All language subtitles for DAVE - 2x10 Eng

[faint mid-tempo beat
playing over headphones]

? I'm good?

? Everybody know my name,
got money, got fame?

? Trying to get paid, I'm good?

? Mm, mm?

? I'm good?

[mumbling]:
? ...something good...?

[pills rattle]

[phone chimes]

That's what's up.

[indistinct chatter]

MAN:
What else is going on?

How's Davionte doing?

Oh, you know--
Gata's still Gata.

-Mm.
-Did I see your wife

at the fundraiser last Saturday?

-Um...
-What y'all got going on here?

-Hey.
-Hey, baby.
You remember Mr. Santos?

Aw, man, it's been so long, he
probably don't remember me, huh?

-STACE: He's Kev-Kev's uncle.
-Oh, my bad. How you doing?

I'm good, I'm good.
On that notary grind today.

-Happy to help Moms out.
-It look like the Feds
about to crack it,

like you're about to put a wire
on my mom or something.

-We good, or what?
-[laughing]

Nah, nah. We're adding your
sister's name to the mortgage.

-Nothing serious like that.
-Why you doin' that?

This is no big deal-- just
in case something happens to me.

This way, all of us,
legally, will be good,

-that's all.
-But you know
I'm older than her, right?

Why you putting her name on it?

Well...

when it comes to things
like the house, we just want

-to make sure that...
-You think I'm unstable,
crazy or something?

No, baby, I didn't say that.

But there's a certain level
of-of-of financial stability...

You ain't got no job, bro.

A job? I don't need a job.
I'm trying to get a career.

I'm pursuing a career,
my actual dream.

Just 'cause you a little office
manager, that don't mean shit.

Matter of fact, I ain't
gonna be here anyway, man.

Now, why do you have to take
everything so personally?

Man, I personally don't give
a fuck how y'all feel about me.

Y'all discussing
family business without me.

LD album drops today.
I'm-a blow the fuck up, man.

-Fuck what y'all talkin' about.
-Davionte!

-Davionte!
-I've been waiting
on this moment my whole life.

-Dave.
-Davionte!
-Don't be calling me

-to help you
with the mortgage and all that.
-Dave! Dave!

?

I don't know how much longer
I can be up here.

I should have been the "I."

Chuck, you okay?

No, I'm not okay.
This is horrible.

I'm so wind-burnt.

The sun is eviscerating me
'cause of the Accutane.

We really should have put
your name on the billboard.

Why? You have me.
You don't need my fuckin' name.

Chuck, it says Penith,
no one knows...

-I know, but you have my phys...
-It looks like
a new Apple product,

like a new release of something.

Is anybody
paying attention at all?

-No. Not even a little bit,
really, but...
-No. No.

So, like, so generate buzz.

Chuck, you're so high up.

Y'all giving out
those Obama phones?

-What?
-The free phones.

Oh. No, we're not, but we did...
we did vote for him.

Okay, thank you.

Did she like it? What'd she say?

-She liked it. She loves the ad.
-She loved it.

Fuck yeah!

-Penith!Out now!
-MIKE: Nice!

Stream Penith!

It sounds like you're saying,
"Scream penis." Don't say that.

Hey, Chuck, you got to start
doing something, like rap.

You got to get
everyone's attention.

Yeah, rap a little bit, Dave.

Uh...

? I gotta flex, I'm the best,
now I'm being direct?

? I'm unimpressed
by these rappers that I see?

? In the press,
I'm kinda vexed by the trash?

? Like I'm cleaning a mess,
they as real?

? When they rap
as a Chia's a pet?

? Their new stocks plummet,
men's leg hair, they don't...?

-[phone chimes]
-Hey.
-What?

Ariana Grande just dropped
a surprise album.

[Dave continues rapping
indistinctly]

DAVE:
How was it?

-Good.
-Did you guys just feel
a raindrop?

-[indistinct radio chatter]
-BENNY: Chuck, I can't believe

it's actually hailing in L.A.

Looks like you brought on
the bubonic plague.

Gata, right?

-What's up, bro?
-[chuckles]: Hey.

You know, just fuckin' chillin'
really at the end of the day.

-You got the money,
or what, bro?
-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Uh, I fuckin'
love Penith, dude.

Hey, is it true that LD wrote
the outro with pink eye?

Bro, you know
this is only $250, right?

I told you $300.

Oh, really? No, no, no,
it's all there, man.

You short, bro. This $250.

-Oh, okay, okay. Okay, uh...
-I said $300.

[chuckles]:
Actually, if you got another,

I mean,
I'll give you another $250

if I could get one for my girl.

[sighs]
All right, dawg.

You gotta follow me on IG
for this shit.

Oh, dude, on God,
on God I will.

Dude, I mean, maybe,
like, follow back, maybe?

Ha-ha! Get that...
that LD follow.

Wait, wait, wait,
this says "friends and family."

Is that VIP?

Man, this shit better
than VIP, bro.

Come on, stop trippin'.
You in the section.

You family now, dawg.

Oh-ho! Fuck yeah, dude!

I just got fuckin' GOATed!

Hey, man, like, but, like,
when I get there, do I just...

-Do I just go in...
-Man, you're asking
way too many questions.

I ain't even
been there yet, bro.

-Just use your common sense.
-Oh.

Gander up, show the wristband.

You band up, you're good.

Bet, bet, bet, bet.
I'll PIBE, man.

-[Gata scoffs]
-Hey, I love this car, though.

I had the same one
when I was in, uh, high school.

Uh, unexpectedly lit
sound system, right?

-Especially for the time.
-[door closes]

Okay, okay, yeah, I'll see you
at the album release party!

-Fam! Gata, bye.
-[engine starts]

[sighs]

[sighs]

That's enough. Stop.

I waited my whole career to see
what Pitchfork would give me.

Yeah, it's bad, it...
But...

No, I wish it was bad.
It's literally nothing.

They didn't review it.

I'm not even, like,
a legitimate artist

-to, like, the media.
-We have no placement.

-Apple Music, Spotify...
-It's not on any...

It's bullshit. I know.
That's why we're here

to talk to him about it.

It's, like, I literally

have been working my entire life
to make a debut album.

I feel as though
I've made a classic one,

and no one even knows about it.

LD, youknow.
Why you trippin', bro?

Come on, you got to know
you're the GOAT

before you actually
become the GOAT, dawg.

Well, it doesn't matter
if no one fucking is listening.

-MIKE:
Well, they... No, they will.
-Hello, hello, hello.

Hey, sorry we're
a little bit late.

Have we met? I'm Ryan.

I'm with Urban
Marketing Division here.

Ryan, uh, where's Tessa?

She couldn't make it.

But we talked.

-I'm fully caught up to speed.
-I don't understand.

It's-it's my album release week.

And on that note...

[clapping]

Do you have any idea
how hard it is to get

a number one
on your first album?

Number one?
What do you mean?

Did the Billboard charts
come out?

Number one comedy album
in the country.

Fuck you, Anthony Jeselnik!

DAVE:
Comedy? I don't even...

That... What am I on the actual
Billboard top 100 chart?

Ninety-one.

Top 100 debut.
You did that!

-[others clapping]
-Ninety-one.

Top 100 in the world, LD?
You charting like that, bro?

-That's nuts.
-Country.

Still nuts. Hundo P.

Okay, you should all
be ashamed of yourselves.

I don't...
I have no idea why people

are, like, celebrating
such mediocrity.

RYAN:
Okay, it was-it was
a little more crowded weekend

-than anybody
could have imagined, but...
-Ninety-one?

we're just
getting started, okay?

You know, there's a lot
of traction around Delaware.

So I want to understand
exactly what's going on there.

Delaware. We're pumping out
Delaware stats now?

-It's huge over there.
-I don't care about Delaware.
[stammering]

MIKE:
All I'm hearing is
a bunch of nonsense.

I'm not seeing anything, Ryan.
You've done nothing

as far as marketing
or promotion at all.

Like, what are you talk...
I'm, like, I'm on my billboards

getting, like, wind-raped.

-What are you doing?
-Don't forget about your
album release party tonight.

-Yeah.
-Now, that could generate
a lot of buzz,

and we are gonna be all
over that, you can believe me.

A lot of buzz? Ryan,
are you a computer or a guy?

I-I... What are you saying?

Do you know what
an album release party even is?

There's no buzz.
There's no journalists

-typing about it.
-DAVE: It's, like, people, like,

going to a bar and,
like, having drinks

while, like, music plays.

Well... it might be a good idea
for you, Dave,

to invite some
of your celebrity friends.

-Maybe they could come,
they could post about it.
-Oh, my God.

-Right?
-DAVE: That sounds like a plan.

Yeah, I'll just reach out
to my most valued contacts

and be like, "Hey, everybody,
could you do the biggest favor

"I'll ever ask of you
and come see me

at my worst and low point?"

I'm humiliated right now.
I'm not being seen.

Fuck that.
No album release party.

-We are canceling that...
-How you gonna cancel that, bro?

Come on, man, you've
been prepping for this album

-for your whole life.
Be grateful, be thankful, bro.
-Gata...

-You got something
to celebrate, bro.
-Gata, stop!

Please? I'm not going
to the fucking party.

-No way. Stop. Cancel it.
-MIKE: Okay,

unlike our friend Gata here,
who is a prodigy

at finding success in failure,
all I'm seeing out of you

is failure that
you've labeled as success.

RYAN:
I can assure you that
we are going to do everything

in our power to make sure
that you guys are happy...

But we're not happy.
And on top of that,

I hope to God you have
some trick up your sleeve

-for our VMA performance,
'cause that's a big deal to us.
-DAVE: Yeah.

The VMAs are
the Super Bowl of Penith.

-Mm.
-Maybe it's a visual album,

and that's why this isn't, like,
really registering with people,

but, like, this is everything,

-this performance.
-Guys, listen,

we're very excited
about the VMAs, too.

But, as you know,
the industry is still reacting

to the ripple effects of Ariana.

And we-we just found out

that she wants to perform
at the VMAs now, too.

So, unfortunately,
four minutes of the show

need to be taken from elsewhere
in order to make...

-make room for her set.
-MIKE: What does that
have to do with us?

They're gonna cut down
your act, uh...

-Cut my act down? Cut my...
By how-by how much time?
-Why?

-Well...
-I've been rehearsing

-for fuckin' weeks.
-We don't know the exact number.

We got that on an email chain.

We're gonna find that out
as soon as we can.

[stammers]
Consult the chain and say,

"Hey, how long's his act,
'cause he's got to perform it

-at the end of the week."
-Yeah, it's just a little late,

uh, tonight.

[sighs]
Okay.

I want everybody
in this room to know

that I feel
very alone right now.

Dave...

[exhales]

Gata, let's go.

[scoffs softly]

[playing gentle intro]

? I joke a lot, I know?

? The voice inside of me
is 12 years old?

? Yeah, I need guidance,
I just turned 30?

? And I'm still freestyling?

? So this is
how YOLO beats doubt?

? And hope breeds vows?

? I won't be proud
till I'm crowned?

-[grunting, moaning]
-? You holding me down ?

? Or are you holding me down??

? Will I break out
or will I break down??

? I'm calling my shot, aw?

? This is my plot, aw?

? Just let me be not wrong?

? Everything is
right in front of me?

? So I don't see
what's right in front of me?

? I'm only seeing
what it's gonna be?

[yells]

[choir vocalizing angelically]

?

?

[exclaiming, grunting]

?

?

[music intensifies]

?

? Bring the sheep to the man?

? I do everything I can?

-? Got a million on the Gram?
-? Hey?

? Follow me
or you'll be damned?

? North-side, East-side,
Jesus Christ?

? Way, way, way, way,
way up in this bitch?

? Count the days,
it's almost here?

-? Talking cray,
but you convinced?
-? Wait?

? Heaven-sent, I am nothing
like the present men?

? Wasn't fuckin'
with the president?

? This world got way too
sensitive, it's so evident?

? We let the devil in,
I'm not a reverend?

? I'm irreverent,
but still I'm colder?

? Than The Revenant,
I'll put the effort in?

? To be a better man,
let him in?

? Hey, I been walking
around the town?

? Talking what I'm 'bout,
walking all around?

? Drawing all the crowds,
garnering the clout?

? Callin' all 'em out,
following devout?

? Volleying the doubt,
swallowing it down?

? Hollering it loud,
they know not what they do?

? They trying to box in
the Jew??

? PG with the crack,
had to come back?

? Got a lil' bread, took that,
made a lot more bread?

? Now the gang getting fed,
bring a lunch bag?

? All of my plans
started popping in advance?

? All the seeds turned
to plants, full circle?

? Like a hubcap,
you can hear the chants?

? Everybody had a chance,
everybody trying to dance?

? When I pull up with the jams,
everybody going ham young man?

? Got a plan,
they don't even understand?

? Stand, stand, stand,
stand, stand...?

-[piano playing]
-[voice chanting indistinctly]

? I don't eat fruit?

? Or vegetables?

? I eat the pussy?

? And other stuff?

-? Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!?
-? I don't eat fruit?

-? No?
-? Or vegetables?

-? No fruits or vegetables?
-? No, no?

? Or vegetables?

-? No fruits or vegetables?
-? No, no?

? Who the fuck are you to tell
me what I can or can't do??

? I would eat your mama's pussy,
but I won't eat no fruit?

? No fruits or vegetables,
no fruits or vegetables?

? I am a professional
at soaking grown-up genitals?

? Women look at me
and know for sure?

? They heterosexual,
they book me at the festivals?

? The crowd's been going
testicles?

-[record scratches]
-[gasps]

-[music stops]
-[gasping]

[music resumes
with booming percussion]

? That's a joke,
that's a joke!?

-? Hello?
-? Ha, ha, ha, ha,
they getting roast?

? Ha, ha, ha, that's a joke?

? That's a joke, ha, ha?

? Ha, ha, ha, ha?

? What a joke?

? Ha, ha, ha, ha?

[ethereal music plays]

?

[music distorting]

[triumphant melody plays]

[amplified]:
Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce you
to a very special friend,

the urologist Dr. Mecklebaum,

who will go through my body
to show you my disorder.

I've had surgery as a baby.

But I am not alone.

Everyone you see on stage
has hypospadias!

This...

is the Penith!

? No, no,
I'll never stop rapping?

? Everything I say I want
happens?

? I'm-a get it, 'cause you know
I gotta have it?

? I don't need to run it up,
I'll quarterback it?

? I'm a corner pocket type
of muthafucka with the 8-ball?

? Going in the muthafuckin'
hole, dawg?

? Like it's game time,
got this Lil Dicky?

? Getting scrutinized,
I'm a big dog, woof!?

? Bark at a critic,
I got real heart?

? Just admit it,
I can't be stopped?

? Who you kidding, I know
you thought I was different?

? I know?

? I be like,
no more overthinking?

? I can't even hold on,
'cause I'm sinking?

? I can't even...?

[exhales]:
Ah...

-[bell rings, music stops]
-Okay, at this point,

you would simulate
some sort of surgery

or operation or something.

We should talk
about what you need,

from a tool perspective,

to, like, actually
sell this whole thing.

Well, I mean,
normally I'd just...

I'd just use a scalpel.

Mm. So kind of unimpressive,
visually.

Do you have anything bigger?
You got to realize

you're kind of at the juncture
of medicine and stagecraft.

-Oh. Okay.
-So it's, like,
do you have a bone saw?

-Or... Different rules apply.
-Oh.

How long was this?

-MIKE: Still too long.
-ELZ: Way too long.

You guys making changes? I gotta
know if you're gonna do that.

-There are gonna be
some changes.
-DAVE: No, there's not.

I will email you all of them.
Yes, there will be, Dave.

I don't think
we're making any changes.

We have to.
I'll let you know, Taz.

-I don't think there's... Why?
-There will be. Because.

What do you mean?
'Cause it's so far over.

It's the best thing ever.
I'm not changing it.

That's not gonna matter to them.
They're gonna

pull you off stage. I mean,
they're gonna kill the show.

-Big-time, okay?
-Whew! Look,

-I don't think I can cut...
-Bro, what if they
pull him off stage,

like, crazy, like, by the neck,
like, choke him out, and, like,

-the whole thing, like,
some security guard shit, dawg.
-[Mike laughing]

-Just yank him off while he's...
-What if they can't?

What if they can't? What do
you mean, what if they can't?

What if they
can't pull me off stage

because I'm actually
getting a surgery?

You know?

Like, we do it for real.

-Uh...
-Like, what's MTV gonna do?

They're not gonna
pull a guy off stage

if he's getting
his fuckin' dick sliced open,

if he's under the knife,
there's no way. They're not...

-It's, like, liabil...
it's, like...
-MIKE: I mean...

Mal... function. It's, like,
you know, they can't.

And I know you're gonna
give me 500 reasons

-why this is not feasible...
-This is the greatest
fuckin' idea you've ever had.

-You like it? It is.
-This is genius.

-It's a genius idea.
-This'll make so many headlines.
This'll be huge.

Every publication in the world
would cover something like that.

-MIKE: So many people
would pick it up.
-I'm sorry,

just so we're on the same page.

What surgery
are we discussing here?

My second pee-hole.
Let's clog it up,

-so I'm no longer pissing
on myself every day.
-I mean,

-sterility,
you want to sterilize...
-Sterility? All right.

Sterilize it, add sterile,
add sterility.

What do you mean? It's so easy.
Isn't it, like,

-a noninvasive procedure?
-Yeah. I mean,
relatively speaking,

it's a simple skin graft.

-We just have to...
-Skin graft!

-MIKE: Perfect.
-Do I even need to go under?

Theoretically, no, no.
You'd...

So I'm conscious. I could rap.
I could probably rap.

100%.
Doc, you have to do this.

You get some guy
over there to, like,

apply anesthesia or whatever.

No, no. That's-that's John.
John's a dancer.

-Rub cream. It's...
-No, he can't.
Yeah, but he can't, Dave.

-We got to get real nurses.
-Well, I'd like it to be
somewhat numb.

-MIKE: Are you non-union?
-Man, this is way sicker than
an album release party, right?

-Fuck yeah! Hell yeah!
-Hell yeah, man!

Man, I always got
this saying, man:

You can't be a priest
with no arms,

but you can
get some pussy, though.

Dude, that's true, dude.

Are you-are you not
performing with him, though?

Because I've seen you on stage
every time I've seen him.

Yeah, but this ain't
no festival, bro.

This is big-tier, top shit,
man, this some

awards show shit--
they got to be, like,

-artistically symmetrical
and shit.
-Yeah.

But y'all want
to go meet him, though?

-Yeah!
-Yeah, dude!

Look, obviously,
we got a lot to figure out.

You make a list
of exactly what you need

-to pull something
like this off in time.
-Hey, Dave, you think

you could take a picture
with my friends real quick, bro?

Who-who... who are these people?

GATA:
They're the homeys.

Gata, in what world
is this the type of thing

you'd bring friends to?

Anybody who does not need
to be here, leave. Bye.

Sorry.

Insurance--
where are we at with that?

Because if they cover this...

-Get me that list.
-Okay.

-Give me a couple seconds
just to...
-Process it.

-I understand. Take your time.
Make that list.
-Thanks.

Look, I think he's gonna do it,
'cause we have the history.

If he doesn't, so many doctors
would do it-- it's L.A.

-He's very replaceable.
-Exactly. I-I need something

to really fuckin' explode here,
because this is my last chance

to prove that
I am who I thought I was.

-Yeah.
-You have 30 chances
to prove this on tour.

-I don't understand.
-No, I won't have 30 chances,
because my tour's

already being cut down
and downsized,

and it went from, like, what I
thought was, like, arenas to...

playing, like, local
fuckin' 300-cap-room bars

and the Mass Insemination tour
doesn't even have mass anymore.

We'll see
how the ticket sales go

after we put on
the greatest musical performance

in history this week, huh?

This is the type of fuckin'
innovative leadership

-I've been waiting for, baby!
-That's what I'm talking about.

What the fuck, Gata?
He cancels the party

then he kicks us out of this?
I thought you were his boy.

-I want my money back.
-Have fun in your
shitty fuckin' car.

Whoa.

You just need to choose
the material of the graft.

Is it gonna be your skin
or a cadaver?

-I don't want to use either.
Corpse's dick?
-Yes.

-Don't think about it like
it's a corpse. I mean...
-FAN: Hey, Lil Dicky!

Fuck you, man!
I paid $300

-to go to your
album release party.
-Hey, hey, hey.

That fuckin' hype man Gata
gives me this fuckin' shit?!

Wait, Gata...
The album release party

-was not even open to the
public. What did Gata do?
-No...

He sold me
this fuckin' wristband

to go to your
album release party, bro.

I don't know why that happened,

but I am sorry
that it did, okay?

I will do anything
to make it up to you, okay?

-Okay. All right.
-I'm so sorry that

-you've been inconvenienced.
-Chill. No, chill.

-Okay. I'm sorry.
-Tell my ex that, uh,

-she made a big mistake
leaving me.
-MIKE: No, no, no.

-You're not gonna take a video.
-Uh... I got it.

-It's okay. It's okay.
-I'm rolling.

All right. Hi.

You shouldn't have left him
for so many reasons.

Uh, he seems to be...

intelligent

and... strong backbone...

That's right.
Fuck you, chip-toothed bitch!

LD thinks you're
a fuckin' pygmy slut! Boom!

[man laughs]

-That is so good.
-[ringtone plays]

Sick, dude.
Hey, we should...

uh, we should smoke...
I feel like

you and I are, like,
the same personality.

-I'm just getting a call...
-Hey, let me...

Hi, Mrs. Ganter.

No. I've been in rehearsal.

I'm sorry,
it's crazy with the VMA thing.

He...

Really?

No, he left a while...

Okay. Wow. All right.

I'll talk to him. I'll...
Yeah. I hear you.

I will talk to him.
Thank you for the heads-up.

You have the worst fans
on planet Earth, hands down.

-We have a situation.
-What?

Gata's mom just called me

and thinks that he's having
a manic episode.

He's ramping up or something,
and he just bought a BMW,

-and I don't know,
it's a whole lot.
-How could he buy a BMW?

-I lent him some money earlier.
-You lent him some money?

I lent him $8,000.
He needed mon...

-he said he needed money.
I don't know.
-That's so irresponsible.

-He said he needed money
to get by.
-We just talked about this.

Yeah, but we're over budget
already on this show, dude.

Let me... I have to go talk
to him and see, like,

-what the fuck's going on, okay?
-That's fine.

-Text me any info.
-Dave, they're already getting
started, so I got to know--

are you gonna use a cadaver
or your skin?

I mean, they said you could use
pig-- if you want to use swine,

-you can.
-I'm a Jew.
I'm not using pigskin.

-Like...
-You're not kosher.

Okay.
Text me all the things, okay?

-Color match, color match.
-Okay, but...

-Just text it to me.
-I need...

-I need a picture of your penis.
-Okay.

["It's My House"
by Diana Ross playing]

? There's a welcome mat?

? At the door?

[song continues in distance]

? And if you come on in?

? You're gonna get much more?

? There's my chair?

? I put it there?

? Everything you see?

? Is with love and care?

? It's my house?

? And I live here?

? I wanna tell you,
it's my house?

? And I live here?

? On the table?

? There sits a rose?

? Books of feeling?

? On the shelf above?

? 'Cause it was built
for love...?

? It was built for love...?

? It's my house?

? And I live here...?

Hey, man.

-You good?
-Yo, what you doing here, bro?

-Want to sit down and relax
for a second...
-Sit down and relax, bruh?

I said, what are you doing here?
You speak English?

Yeah. Uh, okay.

-Gata, your mom...
your mom called me.
-[music stops]

And she told me that she thinks
you might be ramping up.

I feel like I've had 45 seconds
of a window into your life...

Bro, I can't use my energy
in a positive way?

I'm shooting a video with Emma.

Emma?
I don't see Emma anywhere.

Bro, she went to go get
a battery.

Stop acting like
a fuckin' dickhead.

I'm not gonna be offended
by that, because I feel like

-this isn't you right now.
-Who the fuck are you,

a life coach?
This is me.

I'm standing right here, bro.

You don't see me?
I'm right here.

Okay, I'm just saying,
like, when you ramp up,

you can get a little mean
and irrational,

do things like buy a car, so...

Mean and irrational?

That sounds like you every day.

I'm not having a manic episode.

You need a polygraph
or something?

Get the fuck out of here.

-So you're not ramping up?
-No!

Great. Okay, so if there's
no fuckin' episode or whatever,

then why don't we talk about
how you're scamming my fans.

Selling wristbands to them
behind my back.

What do you want me to do?
Beg you for more money, bro?

Go back to running off
on the bank scamming

-like I used to, dawg? Come on!
-Honestly, I prefer any of that

to fucking my fans over
using my name.

What do you mean, that's...

that's such a dirtbag move,
Gata.

How often
do you do stuff like that?

'Cause I would personally never
do anything like that to you.

No, because you
ain't never done nothing for me

in the first place-- you ain't
did one thing to put me on.

You don't even treat me
like an equal.

I haven't done anything for you?

What do you... How about giving
you a job? And a salary?

I'm sorry that I treat you
like an employee

every now and then,
when I fucking employ you, Gata.

I don't think I'm the worst boss
in the world, either.

I literally came here
to check on you,

even though you just left
rehearsal out of nowhere.

I'm not even in the show.

You said anybody that
didn't need to be there, leave.

-Obviously, that
doesn't apply to you. Like...
-I do way more

than my fuckin'
job description, bro.

Am I hype man when I'm
driving you around everywhere,

running errands
when it should be Mike?

-But you ruined
that relationship.
-Oh...

Am I a hype man
when I'm saving your ass

-at the motherfuckin'
Breakfast Club?
-Oh, my God,

enough of the overdramatic
"woe is me" bullshit.

You know, Elz made
all the music for this show.

You don't hear him hitting me
and being like,

"I'm not on the stage."
Do you really forget

that I just lent you
eight grand?

And what'd you do,
you went out and bought a BMW?

Do you have any idea how insane
it is that you're driving

-a nicer car than me
at this point?
-How the fuck is that insane?

I can't have nice shit?
You gotta be the one?

It's my fuckin' money, Gata!

No, you're acting like I'm
blowing the money on dumb shit!

I gotta do what I gotta do
to put myself on.

I ain't had no motherfuckin'
bar mitzvah, bro!

I gotta fake it till I make it,
just like everybody else!

You don't have to be like
everybody else.

What do you mean?
Hasn't my career

taught you anything
in the regard?

-You don't.
-Bro, that's the reason

why I got the job
in the first place.

Right? 'Cause you thought
I was with YG and them.

I buy a car for a video
and I'm delusional.

But you buy a billboard,
strap yourself to it,

for an album
that nobody give a fuck about,

and Dave's a genius.

Okay. Cool.
I have priorities, Gata--

something that you could
probably use in life, you know?

Your fuckin' mom needs money,

and you're going
and buying a car.

Well, when am I gonna be
a priority, huh?

You prioritize yourself
at every moment, Gata.

What are you talking about?
Your whole schtick is

it's all about the gander
and I'm gonna maximize

every single moment to
clout-chase my way into fame.

You're gonna pull this shit

in the most important week
of my life? Really?

Every week is the most important
week of your life, man.

And you know
what hurts me the most?

Why don't I have a song
with you yet, bro?

How you think
that makes me feel?

All my homeys asking me,

"Why you ain't got a song
with LD?

You jumpin' on stage
with this nigga everywhere."

I don't know. I-I...

Literally, you've never once
approached me for a song.

What I gotta do, beg you
every day to do a song, bro?

Any other friend would've
just did it off the dribble,

-off the strip, bro.
-I don't understand.

Just 'cause we're friends,
I'm supposed to just inherently

make music with you?
Why does that compute?

Do my high school friends
get verses? I don't even...

Bro, fuck your
high school friends.

They're not on stage swagging
out with your white ass, bro.

-You're using me.
-I'm using you?

-Yes. Yes.
-Really, Gata?

You want to know why I don't
make music with you, Gata?

-You really want to know?
-Why?

I don't like it, I think
it's generic, I don't think

you put much effort into it,
and I don't make music that way.

Man, you ain't even listened
to all my shit.

You only listened
to one or two tracks.

And you think that's
supposed to make me sad?

I don't give a fuck.

I make music for me,
myself and I,

-'cause I don't need
nobody's validation...
-Dave!

Would you please be quiet?

BOTH:
Sorry.

You realize how inconsistent
your argument is, though, right?

You don't need validation,
yet you need a fuckin' BMW

to look cooler in a rap video?

Bro, I rap
because I fuckin' love it.

Look. I'm in the closet
every day

making music,
pouring my heart out,

while you in a mansion rapping
about "writer's block,"

ants and...
Man!

?

Gata, can we just please talk?

And you know what breaks
my fuckin' heart?

You can't even be happy

without people telling you
they give a fuck about you.

And I'm the crazy one?

[door closes]

Hey, guys.

-Hi.
-What's up?

Everything okay?

Yeah, we good.

Yeah, so good.

Okay.

Well, I got the batteries,
so we can start...

You know what?
Actually, can we just,

like, finish what we're doing?
We're in the middle

-of something, I just really...
-No, actually,

we're in the middle
of something,

-and I feel like
you're just hijacking it.
-Yeah, bruh.

I know we're not on your set

with all
the catering fancy shit,

but you're on my set right now,
nigga, and you got to go.

Get the fuck out of here.

Guys, it's the VMAs.
We got so much more to come.

I know it's not the Oscars,

but at least they let me host.

Guys, we got Bobby Shmurda,

and Lil Dicky
with a performance

that's coming up next.
It's the VMAs.

[inhales]

[exhales]

[phone chimes]

[inhales]

[exhales]

[knocking]

You got to get him,
like, three minutes

-before you actually need him,
-Right.

-'cause he's a sloth.
-Yeah, yeah.

-The dude is so lazy.
-Okay.

And, um,
about the conversation we had.

The touring. Let... let's
keep it between us.

-I haven't told him yet.
-Oh, my God,

I can't believe
you're gonna miss it.

Who doesn't want to go out
on tour with their best friends?

Yeah.
Well, you know,

you kind of got to keep clients
and friends... separate.

-Yeah, I got it.
-To be honest.

-Hey, hey.
-All right, we'll catch up.

-Hey, kill it. Kill it, Dave.
-Good idea.

-Baby boy.
-Mm.

You ready to sodomize the world
with that brand-new dick?

Is that ass-fuck?

It's the professional way
of saying it, yeah.

-Yeah. I'm ready.
-Yeah? Okay, good. Let's go.

MAN:
I think you're
really gonna like this recipe.

-Oh?
-Yeah. It was my grandmother's.

-Oh, wow.
-I didn't really like
my grandmother,

-but I really loved
her popcorn recipe.
-[laughs]: Okay.

-Well, thank you.
-Just call me Orville.

Orville?

Uh, Reddenbacher.
He's, like, the popcorn guy.

Okay, Orville, I'm sorry again.

-It's just weirder if I don't,
and then it'll be over, and...
-No. No, it's fine.

I'm totally fine.
It's just your ex-flame on TV

being super cool and rapping--
I'm fine with it.

"Ex-flame"?

I don't know why I said that.
I meant to say "ex-boyfriend,"

-but I think I'm just nervous.
-Then you were like,

"I'm gonna do it weird instead."
[laughs]

-Yo.
-Yo, what's good?

-[long exhale]
-MIKE: Okay.

-I spoke to the doctor.
He's all good.
-[quietly]: Okay, yeah.

Hey, and if you want
to call an audible,

you know, just "Omaha"
that thing like Payton.

We'll be fine.

Yeah. I know.

I, uh... No, I just got
to do it, though, so...

[quietly]:
Yeah.

Have you guys talked to Gata?

-Like, how is he?
-I talked to Gata.

He's fine. Just...

Worry about you, Dave, okay?

I know that I'm so bad

at showing my appreciation
in general,

but, like, probably especially
to both of you,

and I just want you
to know that...

you guys have made my dreams
come true.

I am so thankful for everything
that you do for me

and just everything
that you guys are

as people.
You're fuckin' amazing.

Just keep paying me
to be your friend,

-and I'll be there.
-Okay.

Love you, man.

Thank you
for always being there.

I love you, too.

-All right, be careful, Dave.
-I got it.

What?

-Are you teary? You're teary.
-[stammers] I'm fine.

? Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh...?

?

? Didn't I treat you
right, now??

? Didn't I??

? Didn't I do
the best I could??

? Didn't I??

? Didn't I give you
everything??

-? Didn't I??
-Hey, everybody.

My name is Lil Nas X.

-[applause, cheering]
-You know it. Yeah.

And I have
the biggest song ever.

Who's ready
to have some fun tonight?

[cheering, applause]

Anyways,
this next performer's name

autocorrects to:

LOL Dinky.

-Ha!
-[laughter]

Give it up for Lil Dicky.

[applause]

?

? Didn't I treat you
right, now??

? Didn't I??

-[applause]
-[music intro playing]

?

? Ooh...?

?

? They tried to tell me
I was going cray?

? I been broke
but had no breaks?

? They hear my dreams,
they're like, "No way"?

-[shrieking, giggling]
-? I don't change,
even when I'm in my own way?

-? You good, bro?
-? I don't treat
my friends right?

-? Fuck it if I'm wrong
if my pen write?
-? You good, bro?

? Always looking for a angle
till I'm square, though?

? I'm not always right
over here, bro?

? You good, bro?

? We do the worst
to become first?

? You know the deal, baby,
love hurts?

? Just keep it real with me,
no turf?

? All good, homey,
what the fuck are friends for?

? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!?

Hands up! I need
everybody in this bitch

to put their
motherfucking hands up!

-Right now!
-? Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!?

? Hey! Hey! Hey!?

? We good?

? So good that it hurts so bad?

? I'm sorry
if it's making you mad?

-? Hey! Hey! Hey!?
-? You really are?

? We're playing hard, ain't
no doubt about it, we good?

-? Now it's time to riff?
-? Hey!?

? Looking like a motherfucker?

-? Can't tell me shit?
-? Hey!?

? Looking like
I'm 'bout to live my dream?

-? Fuckin' here?
-? Hey!?

? I'm-a pack
that motherfuckin' video?

? With my motherfuckin'
friends, 'cause ?

-? We good?
-? Hey!?

? So good that it hurts so bad?

? I'm sorry
if it's making you mad?

? Hey! Hey! Hey!?

-? You really are?
-? Hey!?

? We're playing hard, ain't
no doubt about it, we good?

-? Hey!?
-? So good
that it hurts so bad?

-? Hey!?
-? I'm sorry
if it's making you mad?

? Hey! You really are?

? We're playing hard, ain't
no doubt about it, we...?