All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E08_English

Wow.

**

What does it mean to push
the boundaries of hospitality,

to transport our appetites
beyond the limits of reason,

to take the seven-course meal
into the fourth dimension?

Well, we'll find out tonight
when we go "Out of this World"

on a very special
"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

Uh-oh!

Huh, next time I keep it!

**

**

So often on this show,
we embrace the traditional --

time-honored recipes,

classic crafts,
old-school etiquette.

Tonight, we're gonna blast this
show into the stratosphere.

On the space log tonight,
dishes that astound,

crafts from the edges
of the cosmos,

and then we will see
something never attempted

on a hit TV show before --
[mechanically] supper in space.

[ Normally ]
And I'm gonna tell you something

that will leave
you flabbergasted.

[ Mechanically ]
I won't be dining alone.

[ Normally ] But before we blast
off, I thought it would be fun

to get some quick tips
on space travel,

so I'd like to introduce
my first guest,

a real, live astronaut.

Please welcome
Commander Cary Colonel.

[ Applause ]

Commander Colonel, it's so great
to have you on my show.

Actually, my last name
is Commander.

My rank is Colonel.

Oh, okay.

I apologize for that,
Colonel Commander.

But I am a Commander.

Oh, okay.

Commander Colonel Commander,
welcome to my show.

It's my pleasure.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm sure a lot of people have
difficultly with that name.

No.
You're the first.

Oh.
Okay, well, now it says here

that you have
returned from space

after spending 26 months
on a shuttle orbiting the Earth.

Yeah, that's true.

Yeah, and here's
an interesting space fact.

Being in space causes
your bones to lose density.

Oh!

At this moment, my skeleton has
the same structural integrity

as --

oh, I don't know --
a marzipan acorn,

peanut brittle,

inside of
a chocolate Whopper.

-My goodness.
-Yeah.

Oh, you're right.

That's incredible.

It's okay because I love
all those things.

-Oh, okay!
-[ Chuckles ]

26 months is a long time
to be in space.

Yeah.

Sometimes I feel more at home
in space than I do on Earth.

Oh, okay.

Well, that reminds me
of an old astronaut joke.

Why did the astronaut
leave his wife?

Because he wanted
more space.

[ Laughs ]

I'm sorry.
Is there something wrong?

I just find astronaut
relationship jokes

that amusing after what
I've been going through.

Oh.
I was married briefly,
but my marriage disintegrated

after I tragically lost
my libido in orbit.

Oh, I'm -- Well,
I'm sorry to hear that.

Well, I wish you being sorry
could make the hurt go away,

but it doesn't,
does it, Amy?

-Oh.
-Anyway...

I'm sure you understand how
it must feel to be an astronaut

who can't get his rocket
to blast off.

I'm sure it happens
to a lot of astronauts.

All I know is
I'm attracted to women,

so that's not the issue.

Oh.

I think it's pretty clear
what happened to me.

Space travel robbed me of
my ability to pleasure a woman.

Here we are talking
about bone density again.

Okay, well, then did anything
good happen to you in space?

Oh, yes, I'm glad
you brought that up.

I brought some interesting
footage of me during my mission.

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Oh, roll it, Smokey.

[ Projector whirs ]

**

[ Tap dancing ]

**

Oh, wow!

That's you?

That's fantastic!

Yeah, there's a lot
of downtime in space,

so I use it to pursue
my first love, which is dance.

Oh, well, I have
a quick question.

Why could I hear
your tap boots clicking?

I thought there was
no sound in space.

Yes, uh, well, science tells
us that's mostly true,

but we've learned you can
elicit sound in space

if you have enough passion,
and I've got that in spades.

Oh, okay.
Well, speaking of science,

I was hoping we could do
an experiment together.

Sure, I hope it
involves dancing.

It involves
ping-pong balls.

How would you deal with
a dented ping-pong ball?

I-I guess
I'd just buy six more.

[ Chuckles ] Okay.

Let's say you're on the space
station orbiting the Earth,

and you can't buy more.

Oh, um...

Oh, I don't know.

Well, I'm glad you asked.

Okay, here we go.

All right, number first --

you want the water to boil.

Here you go.

Now, while we wait for
the water to boil,

maybe you can tell me more
about the experiments you did

on that trip of yours.

Don't watch the water.
It won't boil.

-Oh.
-Science.

Yeah, during my time
in space,

I did a lot
of pioneering research

into the effects of zero
gravity on my high kick.

Oh, gosh!

Wow.
Hold that thought.

Our water is boiling.
-Oh.

So now what you're gonna do is,
you're gonna toss in a ball.

And as you can see,
it's dented.

Okay.

And show Smokey
that it's dented.

Look at that --
damaged balls.

-Balls.
-Now drop it in the water.

And if you look closely,
the dimple is disappearing.

The dimple is disappearing!

Science! [ Chuckles ]
Look at that.

You want to take it out,
and we'll prove

that it is round again.

**

I'm impressed.
[ Laughs ]

So what's your next
mission, Commander?

Well, I'm be blasting off
in my one-man show --

"One Small Step for Man, One
Heel Shuffle Toe to Buffalo."

-Oh.
-Oh, I have a flier.

Oh, great.
Here.

Oh, it's a musical.

* You gave me a soul kiss

* Behind the fruit stand

* You gave me a soul kiss

* And then I knew

[ Chuckles ]
Oh, okay.

Well, thank you for stopping by,
Commander Colonel.

[ Applause ]

Okay.

Well, I love the idea
of space lettuce -- so exotic --

but unless you own a rocket,
difficult to come by.

So we came up with
our own fantastic,

out-of-this-world dishes.

This is Recipes
from the Beyond.

Recipes from the Beyond!

Sometimes nothing is
more satisfying

than eating leftovers
from yesterday,

but imagine eating yesterday's
food from tomorrow today.

Pretty far out, right?

We're gonna show you how to make
a salad from the future.

As you know, I get all my seeds
from my good neighbor

and heir to
the Quarrel & Hogg Seed Company,

Patty Hogg.

I'm gonna turn my kitchen
over to her

while I walk the Commander
to his Stingray.

[ Car horn honks in distance ]
Patty.

Hello!
Salad from the future!

Easy to do, tough to manage.

First thing you're gonna do is
you're gonna grab a wooden bowl

about the size
of a wooden bowl.

That's this size.

You're gonna fill it midway
with nitrogen-rich soil.

Now, if you find a worm,
don't panic.

You can always just put it
in your compost,

or you can do what I do.

I pull them apart, and I put
them down the garbage disposal.

[ Garbage disposal whirring ]

I don't like worms --
never did, never will.

Get a wiggle on!

Now, what you're gonna do
is you're gonna add

your Quarrel & Hogg Seeds
right there.

And these are heirloom-quality,
heritage-line,

super-potent seeds.

We've got all
the lettuce varieties.

We've got red, Bibb,
Boston, romaine,

arugula, dandelion, endive,
kale, radicchio, and watercress!

I'll tell you what's
not in there -- bok choy.

It's not a lettuce,
no matter what you hear.

It's a leafy vegetable more
closely related to the cabbage.

It gives Leslie gas,
and he's just a slip of a thing.

Oh, I've said too much.
I've said too much.

Now what you're gonna do is
you're gonna take

two wooden spoons --
they don't have to match --

and you're gonna
mix it up like so.

Oh, I see some more worms.

I don't even
want to look at it.

Now what you're gonna do is
you're gonna bury this

in the ground for six
months, or half a year.

Now we happen to happen to have
a freshly dug salad

from the future
that we made in the past

that you can enjoy
in the present.

And look at this beauty.

Can you get a close-up
on that, Smokey?

Look at those beautiful
leafy greens.

But what this beautiful
assortment is missing

is a crunch --
a crunch!

I'm gonna baptize it
with some croutons.

Like so, there you have it.

That's it for me.

I hope you enjoy your salad.

I'm going to woman's place.

Getting my tubes tied.

Bye-bye.
Good luck at the clinic.

I want to thank Patty Hogg
for her wonderful seeds.

Now, future salad isn't
the only galactic delight

I'll be bringing
on my journey into space

because, when we return,
we're gonna taste a meteorite.

[ Clock beeping ]

Welcome back to
"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

Tonight, we're gonna go
out of this world,

and I would never
travel into the cosmos

without a fantastic,
delicious dessert.

We'll be making
a meteorite cake.

First, we're gonna start
with a simple sponge cake.

You can also do, like, a brownie
bottom if you wanted to,

but I like the sponge cake.

And then you're gonna add
a mound of ice cream on top.

Now, you can use
any flavor ice cream.

I went with a mint
chocolate chip

because the color will
really give it a punch.

And a good tip is to line
your bowl with saran wrap,

pack the ice cream in it,
and then freeze it overnight,

just because it makes it easier

to pop it out of the bowl,
and it's less messy.

Sometimes I don't even
wash that bowl.

See that?
Don't even have to wash it now.

All right.

Then you're gonna take
the saran wrap off it like so.

You can get a close-up
on that, Smokey.

Look at that beautiful
mint green.

All right, now we're gonna
put it on top

of the sponge cake like so.

All right.

You don't have to worry
about it not touching --

the ice cream's
gonna melt down.

Thing about this cake is
you want to make it quickly

'cause it's ice cream
and it can melt.

Okay, now what you're gonna do
is you're gonna top it off

with an additional layer
of meringue, which my assistant,

Denise Panko,
is hand-whipping as we speak.

Now, Denise isn't just any
egg-white beat, she's a two-time

Copper Bottom Egg White
Beater champion.

Take it away, Denise.

Fun fact about Denise is she
just got married last week,

and normally I don't let my
employees have a relationship,

but I'll let this one slide.

Congratulations, Denise.

You had that whole week
off that I gave you.

And you were allowed
three days vacation.

This takes a lot of arm strength
to whip egg whites.

I just can't do it,
not since I had the baby.

I could watch this all day,
but it's only a 24-minute show.

Thank you, Denise, and good luck
with your marriage.

I give it three months.

Okay.

So now what we're gonna do is
we're gonna take the egg whites,

and we're gonna
apply it on top.

Now what you want to do
is you want to use a knife,

spread it on top,
and you actually,

when you do it,
you want to form the peak.

See what I'm doing here?
I'm actually --

Smokey, if you can get
a close-up on that

as I'm actually forming
peaks as we speak.

Here we go.

You know, I'm self-taught,
I didn't go to cooking school.

The skills that I have
in the kitchen are just --

it blows people's minds.

And I speak Chinese.

Peaks, peaks, peaks --
look at this.

Now what we're gonna do is
we're gonna take the blow torch,

and we're gonna
toast these peaks.

You have to be
very careful with that.

You might want to wear
some goggles at home

or get your husband
to do this.

Or girlfriend.
Okay?

And you want to kind get
stay far away enough from it.

Look at that -- how nicely
the peaks toasted.

And there you have it --
meteorite cake.

Now I'm gonna keep this cool
until blast off.

Let's head over
to the craft room

for some out-of-this-world
crafts.

* Beads and things
and glitter and strings *

* Glue and sew
and buttons and bows *

Most people consider
crafting to be an activity

where one turns simple something
into wonderful nothings.

But tonight, I will show you
how to craft the woefully

impractical into
the delightfully fantastical.

And to begin with,
the macaroni box space mask.

First thing you're gonna do
is you're gonna open

your favorite box of macaroni.

And throw it out.

It's cheap, you can afford it.

Okay.

Then what you're gonna do
is you're gonna cut the back

out of the empty box.

Okay, so what I'm
talking about is this.

And you're gonna decorate
the box in colors and shapes

from another dimension.

This craft will push any space
party into the stratosphere.

[ Mechanically ]
And you wear it like this.

I am from another planet.

[ Normally ] Oh, that's fun.

My next craft
is my favorite craft ever --

marshmallow stars.

What you're gonna do is
you're gonna use a needle.

This one's pre-threaded,

which is a terrific gift
for the elderly.

You're gonna knot it
at the bottom.

You're gonna take a marshmallow.

Let me reach into my smock,

which is made out
of a garment bag.

And you're gonna pierce
the marshmallow like so.

And I'll do it in slow motion.

How the needle is piercing,
so satisfying.

Pull it through like this.

Fish it, fish it, fish it.

It's getting a little sticky,
but that's okay.

Pull it through, and then
you're gonna set it aside.

The next thing you're gonna do
is you're going to get a plate.

You're gonna apply
some glue like so.

And you're gonna
take a toothpick.

Let me reach into my smock
pocket and get some toothpicks.

And you're gonna roll it
in the glue like this.

Then you're gonna
take some glitter.

you can use red or blue or
purple or orange or silver.

I'm gonna use silver 'cause
that's what we have the most of.

Then you're gonna take
the toothpick

that's smothered in glue,

and you're gonna roll it
in the glitter like this.

Okay?

Now you're gonna
want to dry this.

You can do it overnight
or for a few hours

because if you inserted it
into the marshmallow,

you're gonna get
that on the side,

which is fine if that's
what you're going for,

but it's better if it dries.

But the finished product
is gonna look like this.

And like I said, it's one
of my favorite crafts.

You can just hang it up
and stare at it

from anywhere you want.

And the great thing
about this craft

is you need zero
muscle mass to make it.

It's the perfect decoration
for that dinner party

from another galaxy.

It's the glitter that really
gives these stars

the twinkle of a night sky.

There is nothing more festive
and fun than glitter.

It's the perfect accent to
any surface you can stick it to,

but did you ever wonder
where glitter comes from?

Wonder no more.

Roll it, Smokey.

[ Projector whirring ]

Announcer:
For over six generations,

the J. Hinkey
Glitter Corporation

has been the major supplier of
our nation's consumer glitter.

Each day, proud American workers
descend deep into the Earth

to work the glitter mines.

And he fires!
[ Explosion ]

And tons of glitter
bursts nature's shackles,

eager to do man's bidding,

gussying up felt projects

or enhancing
a child's fairy wand.

For many years, J. Hinkey

was free from the watchful eye
of government,

during which time,

they suffered only acceptable
numbers of causalities

to mine collapse
and glitter lung.

But in recent years,

J. Hinkey mined under the black
cloud of government regulation.

But who knows better
what amount of glitter runoff

into our stream and waterways
is appropriate?

J. Hinkey or the spineless
government watchdog

who's immune to the luminescent
sparkle of glitter.

This film has been produced
by the J. Hinkey Corporation

in conjunction with
the National Rifle Association.

[ Gunshot fires ]

That was informative.

I wish it was in color.

When we come back,
we will travel beyond

the final frontier.

C-Cut!

[ Clock beeping ]

Wow.

I'm getting a lovely view
of the appetizer belt.

At one time, most people
believed our moon

was made of cheese.

Of course, we now know
that's not true.

It's made out of moon.

But that doesn't mean we can't
make our own moon out of cheese.

I believe there is no better
appetizer than cheese.

What is it about cheese?

To achieve our crescent curd,

first we start with
two cups of smoked Gouda

right here,
which I went ahead and shredded.

Add it to my mixing
bowl like so.

You're gonna add
a stick of butter.

Okay, you're gonna add
some steak sauce,

which is vegetarian,

for all your annoying friends
who are vegetarian.

You're gonna add 3 teaspoons
of a heavy cream or milk.

You're gonna need two 8-ounce
packages of cream cheese.

Now, all of this
should be room temp

so it's easier to mix
with your hand mixer,

or you can use a regular,
traditional mixer.

Normally my husband does this
for me, but he doesn't exist.

Okay.

Just keep mixing
it up like this.

Okay.
Turn that off.

Now I'm gonna chill
this overnight.

Okay.

All righty.

Put this in last night.

Before I put my kids
to bed, I made this.

Now what you're gonna do
is you're gonna form a ball.

And if you know any kids
that roll hash for a living,

this is an excellent job
to give them

'cause they can make
the ball extra tight.

And that's really the trick
of making an attractive ball.

Okay, form it,
form it, form it.

Now what I should've done
before I did this --

because my hands
are a little messy --

I should have laid
out my nut shake.

Okay.

With the nut shake, you can use
pecans, walnuts, pistachios --

ladies' choice.

Then you're gonna
take your tight ball,

and you're gonna
actually roll it.

You can kind of help out by
patting it and rolling it

and patting it
and rolling it.

Okay.

Then you're gonna place the ball
on a decorative plate like so.

And then you're gonna surround
it with some crackers

like this, nice, neat.

And then you're gonna top it
with a party pick of some sort.

I like this little ham.

It's got a little chip on it,
but that's okay.

Stick it right
in the center like so.

There you have it.

A cheese moon is a great
appetizer choice

if you're on a budget because
you can serve a cheese ball

while entertaining
friends on Monday,

spend Tuesday
perking up the ball,

and then reserve it a naive
group of guests on Wednesday.

They'll never know
the difference -- Trust me.

I've planned my menu.

I made
the perfect space crafts.

I've learned the art
of astronaut-ing.

I'm almost ready to fire my
boosters, but before I lift off,

I wonder if I've thought
of everything.

[ Bells jingle ]
You forgot one thing.

Hi, Regional Wine Lady.

Amy, you look
out of this world!

I heard you're traveling
through space.

You're gonna want to take
the perfect cocktail.

I recommend the flaming
Buzz Cauldron.

What you're gonna do
is take a cup

of your favorite
orange-flavored powder drink,

mix in one part tequila.

Which part --
I don't know --

some shaved ice,
and some blue liqueur.

It's gonna stain your lips, but,
hey, no one's looking at me.

You're gonna garnish
with a fruit flag

of an orange and a cherry.

I whipped up a batch
right here in this thermos.

Great.

Well, I've got to go.

We're driving to Roswell
for the UFO Galacticon Fest.

I'll be cranking up
the ham radio on the way,

and I got my handle,
Whiskey Dick.

* It's Friday night,
I'm gonna get drunk *

* I'm gonna get laid,
I'm gonna be late *

* On Monday

See you around
like a doughnut.

Thanks,
Regional Wine Lady.

When we return,

we're gonna be
going out of this world.

[ Clock beeping ]

[ Clock beeping ]

Welcome, my Earth friends.

Soon I'll be blasting off
into the cosmos

to dine among the stars.

All my preparations
have been prepped,

my arrangements arranged,
and my itinerary itinerized.

I've got all my shots.

I'll be taking one
small step for dinner,

one giant leap
for hospitality.

Kk!
Choo!

Kk, kk!

Chee, choo, chink!

**

Man: 10, 9,

8, 7,

6, 5,

4, 3,

2, 1, zero.

Ignition.

Lift off.

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

**

Who is
this Otherworlder?

She is just a friend.

Oh, hi.
Amy Sedaris, planet Earth.

She is not of our kind.

Goanug,
name your choice.

I choose...

Kun-it-ta!

[ Rattles shake ]

Kun-it-ta has been passed down
from before the formation.

[ Echoing ]
We will do battle.

Battle? I'm sorry.
What's happening?

[ Normally ]
Why is this confusing?

During the mating cycle,
it is his right to choose,

and he chosen combat.

The winner of which shall
take possession of Goanug.

What does the loser get?

-[ Echoing ] Death!
-Death?!

It begins!

What am I supposed
to do with this?

Are you kidding me?

[ Laughs ]
Okay, bring it on!

[ Both grunt ]

I will destroy you.

[ Both grunting ]

Aah!

Ow!
[ Laughs ]

Aah!

Aah!

[ Gasps ]
Go!

[ Rattles shaking ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Engine sputters ]
Come on. Come on!

[ Engine starts, revs ]

[ Rattles shaking ]

**

It's time
for Hits and Misses.

Hits -- we met a real,
live astronaut.

Cheese balls!

Successful intergalactic
space travel.

Misses -- never leave Earth
with an ice cream cake.

It doesn't travel well.

I weigh the same in space.

Jealous aliens.

I hope you've enjoyed exploring

the outer reaches
of our universe.

Until next time, good night.

[ Electricity crackles ]

I'm in the Federation!

[ Whoosh! ]