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1
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:13,708
* Snow plus ball,
push and roll *
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00:00:13,747 --> 00:00:17,487
* All together equals
snowman time *
3
00:00:17,518 --> 00:00:21,358
* Stack and pack,
brown felt hat *
4
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:25,059
* Time to build a snowman
now *
5
00:00:25,093 --> 00:00:28,733
* Carrot for nose,
frostbit toes *
6
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:32,502
* That's the way it goes
at snowman time *
7
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,903
* Eyes of coal,
south of pole *
8
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,566
* Snowman time is frosty,
wow *
9
00:00:39,607 --> 00:00:47,847
**
10
00:00:47,881 --> 00:00:56,091
**
11
00:00:56,124 --> 00:01:04,274
**
12
00:01:04,298 --> 00:01:12,068
**
13
00:01:12,106 --> 00:01:15,376
Announcer:
Welcome to the "At Home with
Amy Sedaris Holiday Special"
14
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:17,779
featuring
the Trevor Pippin Dancers
15
00:01:17,811 --> 00:01:22,451
and special guest
Neil Patrick Harris.
16
00:01:22,483 --> 00:01:25,453
[ Piano playing ]
17
00:01:25,486 --> 00:01:32,256
**
18
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:33,963
* Chestnuts...
[ Chuckles ]
19
00:01:33,994 --> 00:01:35,304
Oh, hello.
20
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,629
What a wonderful time
the holiday season is --
21
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:39,565
so festive and colorful.
22
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:42,270
I was just roasting chestnuts
over the open fire.
23
00:01:42,303 --> 00:01:44,643
It's part of an old
holiday recipe
24
00:01:44,672 --> 00:01:47,812
and the lyrics to my favorite
holiday song about nuts.
25
00:01:47,841 --> 00:01:50,781
I like to get the chestnut
golden brown.
26
00:01:53,013 --> 00:01:54,113
Perfect!
27
00:01:54,148 --> 00:01:55,848
Now, while it's good and hot,
28
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:58,453
I sandwich the nut between
two graham crackers
29
00:01:58,486 --> 00:01:59,916
and a chocolate bar.
30
00:01:59,953 --> 00:02:03,163
Scoop the chestnut onto the
chocolate so it helps melt it.
31
00:02:03,191 --> 00:02:04,831
Put the hood back on.
32
00:02:04,858 --> 00:02:07,828
Mmm.
I call them S'nuttys.
33
00:02:07,861 --> 00:02:10,831
[ Loud crunching ]
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00:02:10,864 --> 00:02:12,274
Mmm.
35
00:02:12,300 --> 00:02:14,640
[ Muffled ]
Welcome to my holiday special.
36
00:02:14,668 --> 00:02:17,768
As you've heard, a few of your
friends will be stopping by.
37
00:02:17,805 --> 00:02:20,335
I also have a few surprises
in store.
38
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:21,844
But before my guests arrive,
39
00:02:21,875 --> 00:02:24,345
I better wrap those presents
before our guests arrive.
40
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:28,018
[ Laughs ]
41
00:02:28,048 --> 00:02:29,948
[ Sighs ]
42
00:02:29,983 --> 00:02:33,223
As always, Christmas shopping
was a little hectic this year,
43
00:02:33,254 --> 00:02:34,894
but I think I did all right.
44
00:02:34,922 --> 00:02:36,862
Don't tell him, but this year,
45
00:02:36,890 --> 00:02:39,630
I'm Neil Patrick Harris'
Secret Santa.
46
00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:43,330
I found this great
antique nutcracker doll.
47
00:02:43,364 --> 00:02:45,174
I found him in an old
curiosity shop
48
00:02:45,199 --> 00:02:48,239
that was built over
an Indian burial ground.
49
00:02:48,269 --> 00:02:49,899
I think I'll name you...
50
00:02:49,937 --> 00:02:52,967
Colonel Nutley!
51
00:02:53,006 --> 00:02:54,906
Let's get you wrapped.
52
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,712
Where did I put that tape?
53
00:02:56,744 --> 00:02:59,854
[ Eerie music plays ]
54
00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:05,250
**
55
00:03:08,088 --> 00:03:10,218
Hmm, that's odd.
56
00:03:10,258 --> 00:03:13,858
Where did you go,
Colonel Nutley?
57
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:18,074
Oh, you must've fallen
behind the couch!
58
00:03:18,098 --> 00:03:20,898
Okay, now where
did you get to?
59
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:21,944
[ Chuckles ]
60
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:25,509
Ow! Ow. Ooh.
61
00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:29,439
Oh, I must have pricked
my finger on a pine needle.
62
00:03:29,477 --> 00:03:31,177
Well, that's weird.
63
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:34,351
Where did my razor edge
snipping shears go?
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00:03:34,382 --> 00:03:35,682
The extremely pointy ones
65
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:38,286
that I just had
professionally sharpened?
66
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:41,589
They were right here!
[ Snarling noise ]
67
00:03:41,622 --> 00:03:43,092
Neil?
Neil, is that you?
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00:03:43,123 --> 00:03:45,193
Do you want to run lines?
69
00:03:45,225 --> 00:03:47,555
[ Babbling indistinctly ]
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00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:49,595
Aah! Aah!
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00:03:49,630 --> 00:03:51,430
Aah!
-[ Grunts ]
72
00:03:51,465 --> 00:03:54,095
Aah!
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00:03:54,134 --> 00:03:57,204
[ Screaming, grunting ]
74
00:03:57,237 --> 00:04:03,407
**
75
00:04:03,444 --> 00:04:04,614
[ Screeches ]
76
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:07,815
Aah!
77
00:04:07,848 --> 00:04:11,418
[ Screaming, grunting
continues ]
78
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:16,655
[ Glass shattering ]
79
00:04:16,690 --> 00:04:17,760
[ Ornaments clinking ]
80
00:04:17,791 --> 00:04:18,791
[ Gasps ]
81
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:21,186
[ Breathing heavily ]
82
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:29,466
[ Eerie, suspenseful music
plays ]
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00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:32,143
[ Snarling ]
84
00:04:32,172 --> 00:04:35,612
[ Screeches ]
85
00:04:35,643 --> 00:04:37,983
[ Breathing heavily ]
86
00:04:38,011 --> 00:04:41,111
[ Grumbling ]
87
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,318
[ Gasping ]
88
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:47,022
[ Exhales ]
89
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:52,827
That's a wrap
on Colonel Nutley!
90
00:04:52,860 --> 00:04:57,470
[ Breathing heavily ]
91
00:04:57,498 --> 00:04:59,528
[ Screams ]
92
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,705
Aah! Aah! Aah!
93
00:05:04,738 --> 00:05:07,708
[ Growling ]
94
00:05:07,741 --> 00:05:15,021
**
95
00:05:15,048 --> 00:05:15,848
[ Grunts ]
96
00:05:15,883 --> 00:05:16,953
Aah!
97
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:19,154
Neil: * La, la, la,
la, la, la *
98
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:22,186
* La, la, la
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00:05:22,222 --> 00:05:24,692
[ Roaring, screaming ]
100
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:26,855
[ Screams ]
101
00:05:26,894 --> 00:05:28,334
Neil! Oh!
102
00:05:28,362 --> 00:05:30,202
[ Babbles indistinctly ]
103
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:33,330
Aah! Oh!
[ Laughs evilly ]
104
00:05:33,367 --> 00:05:35,597
[ Growls ]
105
00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:40,705
[ Babbles indistinctly ]
[ Laughs ]
106
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:43,581
[ Breathing frantically ]
107
00:05:43,611 --> 00:05:47,421
[ Laughs ]
108
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,748
Aah!
109
00:05:49,783 --> 00:05:52,293
[ Laughs ]
110
00:05:54,221 --> 00:05:55,661
Hello, Dolly!
111
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,589
Goodbye, Dolly!
112
00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:00,585
[ Laughs maniacally ]
113
00:06:00,628 --> 00:06:03,558
[ Sobs ]
114
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:06,597
[ Slow, holiday-themed music
plays ]
115
00:06:06,634 --> 00:06:14,244
**
116
00:06:14,274 --> 00:06:15,914
[ Exhales sharply ]
117
00:06:15,943 --> 00:06:17,753
I try to be a company man
when I can.
118
00:06:17,778 --> 00:06:19,778
You know,
please the executives.
119
00:06:19,813 --> 00:06:21,383
So when the network
came to me and asked
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00:06:21,415 --> 00:06:22,875
that I do a holiday special,
121
00:06:22,916 --> 00:06:24,746
I said, "Sure, why not".
122
00:06:24,785 --> 00:06:26,585
Did I want to do
a holiday special?
123
00:06:26,620 --> 00:06:27,860
Not really.
124
00:06:27,888 --> 00:06:31,758
But I did, and I gave it
my best -- 110%.
125
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:34,032
And what do I get
in return for my trouble?
126
00:06:34,061 --> 00:06:36,061
Stabbed in the thigh
with my prized scissors
127
00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:37,526
by a cursed doll.
128
00:06:37,565 --> 00:06:39,295
[ Laughs ]
129
00:06:39,332 --> 00:06:41,602
So let me tell you what's going
to happen now with the rest
130
00:06:41,635 --> 00:06:43,635
of my "holiday special".
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00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:46,971
I'm going to sit here,
pour myself another drink,
132
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:48,937
and try to figure out
how I'm going to break the news
133
00:06:48,976 --> 00:06:50,876
to the Patrick Harris family.
134
00:06:50,911 --> 00:06:52,811
You're welcome to hang out
if you'd like.
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00:06:52,846 --> 00:06:53,946
Happy Holidays!
136
00:06:53,981 --> 00:06:56,081
And whatever!
[ Upbeat music plays ]
137
00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:59,316
* I probably should go
138
00:07:01,489 --> 00:07:04,159
* I probably should go
139
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:09,456
* I probably should go
140
00:07:09,497 --> 00:07:12,497
But there's snow
falling down...
141
00:07:12,533 --> 00:07:15,773
* I have to get home
142
00:07:15,803 --> 00:07:17,843
But there's ice
all around...
143
00:07:17,871 --> 00:07:19,111
Chassie,
what are you doing?
144
00:07:19,139 --> 00:07:20,439
Our duet.
145
00:07:20,474 --> 00:07:22,184
Granted, it's more
of a "one-et".
146
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:25,009
Look, I'm not doing
a holiday special this year.
147
00:07:25,045 --> 00:07:26,245
Why not?
148
00:07:26,279 --> 00:07:29,249
Look around, Chassie,
does any of this chaos
149
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,292
and blood raise
any question marks for you?
150
00:07:32,319 --> 00:07:35,259
Not so much questions --
memories, yes.
151
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:37,788
If when I leave a motel room
and it doesn't look like this,
152
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,455
I've wasted my money.
153
00:07:39,493 --> 00:07:41,093
Yes!
Something bad happened.
154
00:07:41,128 --> 00:07:43,828
Well, maybe singing
will make you feel better.
155
00:07:43,864 --> 00:07:45,974
One...
We're not singing
any duets.
156
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:48,339
We're not baking
any gingerbread cookies.
157
00:07:48,368 --> 00:07:51,538
And we're definitely not
making anything crafty.
158
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:55,844
Read the sign.
159
00:07:57,745 --> 00:07:58,845
Oh, well.
160
00:07:58,879 --> 00:08:00,179
That's too bad.
161
00:08:00,213 --> 00:08:02,183
I guess you wouldn't mind,
then, if I left the show
162
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:03,315
a little early.
163
00:08:03,350 --> 00:08:05,050
I got invited
to a holiday party,
164
00:08:05,085 --> 00:08:06,385
and I thought I'd pop over.
165
00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:09,189
You work on this show,
and you have a responsibility.
166
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:11,862
But you just said that
you're not doing the show.
167
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,192
I didn't say I wasn't
doing the show.
168
00:08:13,226 --> 00:08:15,856
I said I wasn't doing
a holiday special, okay?
169
00:08:15,896 --> 00:08:18,866
So you're just going to stay
here until quitting time.
170
00:08:18,899 --> 00:08:20,199
And that's that!
171
00:08:20,233 --> 00:08:21,843
Now, if you excuse me,
172
00:08:21,869 --> 00:08:25,369
I'm going to go lay down!
173
00:08:25,405 --> 00:08:27,135
What a Scrooge!
174
00:08:27,174 --> 00:08:28,384
What did you say?
175
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:30,038
I said, um,
176
00:08:30,077 --> 00:08:31,877
"Go get screwed"!
177
00:08:31,912 --> 00:08:33,182
That better be
what you said.
178
00:08:33,213 --> 00:08:35,323
Now clean up this mess!
179
00:08:35,348 --> 00:08:41,858
**
180
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:48,399
**
181
00:08:48,428 --> 00:08:49,598
I hate it here.
182
00:08:49,630 --> 00:08:51,230
[ Scoffs ]
183
00:08:51,264 --> 00:08:54,534
Holiday specials.
184
00:08:54,568 --> 00:08:56,338
Humbug!
185
00:08:56,369 --> 00:09:01,409
**
186
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:06,551
[ Snoring ]
187
00:09:06,580 --> 00:09:08,580
[ Chains rattle ]
188
00:09:08,616 --> 00:09:10,576
Who is that?! Chassie?
189
00:09:10,618 --> 00:09:13,588
[ Echoing ] Greetings.
190
00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:14,691
Who are you?
191
00:09:14,722 --> 00:09:17,192
Don't ask who I am,
192
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,934
ask who I was.
193
00:09:19,960 --> 00:09:21,430
Who was you?
194
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:26,231
I am the one who sought you out,
wrapped in the chains
195
00:09:26,266 --> 00:09:29,736
I've forged
in my other life.
196
00:09:29,770 --> 00:09:33,640
Joined together,
link by link,
197
00:09:33,674 --> 00:09:37,444
by the horrible deeds
of my former self!
198
00:09:37,477 --> 00:09:40,547
But you are in danger
199
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:45,590
of forging
same cumbersome chain!
200
00:09:45,619 --> 00:09:48,789
[ Normally ]
We were partners once,
201
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,992
haberdashers with a single
purpose --
202
00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,825
turn a profit.
203
00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:55,801
Business, we said.
204
00:09:55,829 --> 00:10:00,499
But what about the business
of the common good of man?
205
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:02,643
I never had
a business partner.
206
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:06,570
Are you sure you were
in the right place?
207
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,176
Is this 316 Sycamore?
208
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,679
I'm afraid not.
Ooh!
209
00:10:10,711 --> 00:10:12,311
Oh, my.
210
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,245
How awkward.
211
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:16,181
Oh, God, I should go.
212
00:10:16,216 --> 00:10:18,416
[ Exhales ]
213
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:20,421
You don't know where
the Sycamore Street is?
214
00:10:20,453 --> 00:10:21,663
I'm doing a show -- I...
215
00:10:21,689 --> 00:10:23,659
Oh, yes, of course.
216
00:10:23,691 --> 00:10:25,831
I'll find it.
217
00:10:25,859 --> 00:10:27,699
[ Echoing ] I'm gone!
218
00:10:27,728 --> 00:10:29,828
[ Chains rattling ]
219
00:10:29,863 --> 00:10:31,503
[ Exhales ]
220
00:10:33,033 --> 00:10:36,703
**
221
00:10:38,438 --> 00:10:40,138
If you're just tuning in
222
00:10:40,173 --> 00:10:41,613
to watch the "Amy Sedaris
Holiday Special",
223
00:10:41,641 --> 00:10:44,281
that show has been preempted
by me taking a bath.
224
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:45,681
[ Bells tolling in distance ]
225
00:10:45,713 --> 00:10:47,723
Oh, that's strange.
226
00:10:52,085 --> 00:10:55,615
[ Bells tolling louder ]
227
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,615
[ Water splashes ]
228
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:59,856
Help! Help! Help!
229
00:10:59,893 --> 00:11:02,463
I can't!
230
00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:03,795
I'm okay, I'm okay.
231
00:11:03,831 --> 00:11:05,571
I'm okay.
[ Gasps ]
232
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:07,698
What are you doing
in my bathtub?
233
00:11:07,735 --> 00:11:09,295
I jumped in to save you!
234
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:12,006
Save me?
What are you talking about?
235
00:11:12,039 --> 00:11:13,539
You didn't go through
with it, did you?
236
00:11:13,573 --> 00:11:15,583
Go through with what?
I was going to take a bath.
237
00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:16,738
Exactly.
238
00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:19,147
But I took a bath
so you wouldn't have to.
239
00:11:19,179 --> 00:11:20,879
Why don't you want me
to take a bath?
240
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:23,684
Because you have so much
to live for.
241
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:25,647
Can't you see?
I'm your guardian angel.
242
00:11:25,685 --> 00:11:27,545
If you're my guardian angel,
where were you
243
00:11:27,587 --> 00:11:29,587
when that nutcracker
tried to slit my throat?
244
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:33,362
The point is, I'm here now to
help you save you from yourself.
245
00:11:33,393 --> 00:11:36,763
And to teach you about the
true spirit of the holidays.
246
00:11:36,797 --> 00:11:38,527
Well, why don't you
get out of my tub?
247
00:11:38,565 --> 00:11:40,025
I just had it re-glazed.
248
00:11:40,067 --> 00:11:41,767
Oh, good point.
249
00:11:41,802 --> 00:11:44,842
You know, Amy, there will be
a lot of viewers
250
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,172
who would be
very disappointed
251
00:11:46,206 --> 00:11:49,006
that you're not going to
have your holiday special.
252
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:50,682
Yeah, well, you know,
that's tough.
253
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:53,050
I couldn't do a holiday special,
even if I wanted to.
254
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,350
All my decorations
were destroyed.
255
00:11:55,382 --> 00:11:57,852
How did you know I was supposed
to do a holiday special?
256
00:11:57,885 --> 00:12:01,685
Oh, I know all about you,
Amy Sedaris.
257
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:05,361
I know how partial you are to
rickrack, and scalloped edges.
258
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,032
And sometimes in
those cupcakes of yours,
259
00:12:07,060 --> 00:12:08,430
you'd be putting
imitation vanilla,
260
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:09,931
and be calling it
"real vanilla".
261
00:12:09,963 --> 00:12:11,633
You shut your mouth
about that vanilla!
262
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:12,804
I'm not judging you, Amy.
263
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,533
We'll let St. Peter
do that.
264
00:12:14,567 --> 00:12:16,467
Yeah, well, if you know me
so well, then you'll know
265
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:19,443
I'm never going to do
a holiday special on TV again.
266
00:12:19,472 --> 00:12:23,382
In fact, the way I see it,
this might be my last TV show!
267
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,610
Better yet, I wish I never had
this stupid hit TV show!
268
00:12:26,646 --> 00:12:29,916
Don't you say that, Amy.
269
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:32,920
Well, no wait a minute.
270
00:12:32,953 --> 00:12:37,393
Maybe she never had
a hit TV show.
271
00:12:37,424 --> 00:12:38,734
But should I?
No, I shouldn't.
272
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:39,958
Maybe I should.
273
00:12:39,993 --> 00:12:42,433
Oh, I don't know
if Gabriel will like it.
274
00:12:42,462 --> 00:12:44,562
All right then.
Amy, you have your wish.
275
00:12:44,597 --> 00:12:46,267
You've never had
a hit TV show.
276
00:12:46,299 --> 00:12:49,339
[ Machine whirs ]
277
00:12:49,369 --> 00:12:51,599
We don't need to make
such a fuss about it.
278
00:12:53,773 --> 00:12:55,343
I don't know
what's wrong with you,
279
00:12:55,375 --> 00:12:56,775
but I need another drink.
280
00:12:56,810 --> 00:13:01,650
**
281
00:13:01,681 --> 00:13:06,191
Oh, what happened
to my kitchen?
282
00:13:06,219 --> 00:13:08,789
Where's my blender,
my stove?!
283
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:11,592
You don't have
a blender or a stove
284
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:14,034
because you don't have
a kitchen to put them in.
285
00:13:14,061 --> 00:13:16,931
Because you don't have
a hit TV show.
286
00:13:16,964 --> 00:13:18,804
Wait a minute.
What is happening?
287
00:13:18,832 --> 00:13:20,772
Am I in some sort of dream?
288
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,170
I want to talk
to Patty Hogg.
289
00:13:22,202 --> 00:13:23,772
She can explain
everything to me.
290
00:13:23,803 --> 00:13:24,773
Where's Patty Hogg?!
291
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,614
You're not going
to like it, Amy.
292
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,209
Where is she?!
293
00:13:28,241 --> 00:13:30,781
She never married
into wealth.
294
00:13:30,810 --> 00:13:35,320
She's a poor old maid
who works in the library.
295
00:13:35,348 --> 00:13:37,148
She'll be walking home now.
[ Gasps ]
296
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:38,624
Patty!
297
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:41,291
Patty!
298
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:42,621
Who are you?
299
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:45,455
Well, I'm your friend
and neighbor, Amy!
300
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:47,062
I don't know you!
301
00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:49,964
But we're friends!
[ Scoffs ]
302
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:53,027
I don't know you!
303
00:13:53,066 --> 00:13:54,466
Oh!
304
00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:55,501
[ Gasps ] Oh!
305
00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,535
She seemed so alone
and cold.
306
00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:03,684
Why was she so cold?
307
00:14:03,710 --> 00:14:06,310
Because she wasn't wearing her
"At Home with Amy Sedaris"
308
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,076
fleece jacket.
309
00:14:08,115 --> 00:14:10,075
Because you never
gave it to her.
310
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:12,487
Because the network
never gave it to you.
311
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:15,819
Because they didn't get any
revenue from the advertisers.
312
00:14:15,855 --> 00:14:19,385
Because you don't have
a hit TV show.
313
00:14:19,426 --> 00:14:22,096
No free
fleece show jackets?
314
00:14:22,129 --> 00:14:24,759
Well, that really puts
the holidays in perspective.
315
00:14:24,797 --> 00:14:27,097
You didn't happen to see
an address book, did you?
316
00:14:27,134 --> 00:14:28,344
I've misplaced it.
317
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:31,268
And I don't --
hello...
318
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,574
Clarence.
319
00:14:32,605 --> 00:14:33,735
Hello, Jacob.
320
00:14:33,773 --> 00:14:35,613
Shouldn't you be up
in heaven lounging
321
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:39,852
on a cloud looking down
on all of us working goats?
322
00:14:39,879 --> 00:14:41,249
Working?
323
00:14:41,281 --> 00:14:43,121
Is that what you call rattling
chains and haunting attics?
324
00:14:43,150 --> 00:14:46,120
Oh, did you not get
your wings yet?
325
00:14:46,153 --> 00:14:47,893
Better than the wings
you'll never get.
326
00:14:47,921 --> 00:14:49,361
Just sucking up
to the big guy.
327
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,519
Let me put us
in perspective.
328
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:53,288
Come Halloween,
329
00:14:53,326 --> 00:14:55,356
who will be dressing up
as angels?
330
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,125
Why, sexy women.
331
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:59,534
And who will be
dressing up as ghosts?
332
00:14:59,566 --> 00:15:02,396
Grade-school half-wits.
333
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:04,935
And old sheet and two
eye holes cut out of it.
334
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,312
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
335
00:15:06,339 --> 00:15:08,209
You're lucky.
I could've been your father.
336
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,641
But the dog beat me
over the fence.
337
00:15:10,677 --> 00:15:12,047
That's right.
338
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:15,149
A dog jumped over a fence,
339
00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:17,722
had a go of it
with your mom,
340
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,150
and you came out.
341
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,246
How dare you!
Mummy, mummy.
342
00:15:21,288 --> 00:15:24,658
Do it one more time,
you old blimey bastard!
"Why can't I meet
my real daddy"?
343
00:15:24,691 --> 00:15:27,761
Can you two stop arguing?!
344
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:29,634
This is the time
when angels and ghosts
345
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:32,172
are supposed to
come together!
346
00:15:32,199 --> 00:15:33,629
Don't you see?
347
00:15:33,666 --> 00:15:36,396
The holiday spirit is bigger
than you or me.
348
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,406
Sure I might have suffered
an unspeakable tragedy
349
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:42,179
involving the death
of a beloved entertainer,
350
00:15:42,209 --> 00:15:45,579
but that is the time to embrace
the holiday spirit even more
351
00:15:45,612 --> 00:15:49,252
because that's where
the healing starts.
352
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:50,422
Wait a minute.
353
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,750
That's it!
354
00:15:51,784 --> 00:15:55,394
I've re-discovered the true
meaning of the holidays.
355
00:15:57,490 --> 00:15:58,930
Oh!
356
00:15:58,958 --> 00:15:59,858
Oh!
357
00:15:59,892 --> 00:16:02,002
Well, there's my blender!
358
00:16:02,029 --> 00:16:05,099
My stove!
359
00:16:05,132 --> 00:16:07,232
The corpse of
a Broadway treasure!
360
00:16:09,136 --> 00:16:11,136
We're going to do
a holiday special!
361
00:16:11,171 --> 00:16:12,711
Tink!
362
00:16:12,739 --> 00:16:18,879
**
363
00:16:18,911 --> 00:16:20,951
You, there, boy!
364
00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:21,980
Yes, sir?
365
00:16:22,015 --> 00:16:23,345
What day is it?
366
00:16:23,383 --> 00:16:25,323
Why, it's Christmas Day,
sir.
367
00:16:25,352 --> 00:16:28,962
Oh, I haven't missed it!
368
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:32,358
Okay, good boy, wonderful boy,
go down to the market
369
00:16:32,392 --> 00:16:36,462
and fetch me the biggest
canned ham you can find!
370
00:16:36,496 --> 00:16:39,626
I think canned hams
are all the same size, sir --
371
00:16:39,666 --> 00:16:42,236
regulated by the canning
industry they are.
372
00:16:42,269 --> 00:16:44,539
Then give me the largest
pound of Cornish hen
373
00:16:44,571 --> 00:16:45,741
in the butcher shop!
374
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,142
Go off with you now!
375
00:16:47,174 --> 00:16:50,814
I believe a pound is a
consistent unit of weight, sir.
376
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:54,253
Then forget the pound,
and get me 16 ounces!
377
00:16:54,281 --> 00:16:58,051
I'm not sure you understand
the true meaning of measurement.
378
00:16:58,085 --> 00:17:00,615
Screw it!
I'll cook what I have!
379
00:17:02,355 --> 00:17:03,655
When we return,
380
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:06,530
I'll raid the cupboards
and prepare a full holiday meal.
381
00:17:10,630 --> 00:17:13,500
You know, that young
street urchin made me realize
382
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:15,903
I don't need a fancy
canned ham or snooty Cornish hen
383
00:17:15,935 --> 00:17:17,335
to celebrate the holidays.
384
00:17:17,370 --> 00:17:19,240
And I don't need to have
to the perfect tree.
385
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,942
And you know something,
neither do you.
386
00:17:21,974 --> 00:17:24,614
I'm going to show you
how to simplify the holidays.
387
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,384
I'll cook what I can find
in the cupboards,
388
00:17:26,413 --> 00:17:28,623
and I'll make
the decorations by hand.
389
00:17:28,648 --> 00:17:31,018
Because the holidays aren't
about expensive presents
390
00:17:31,050 --> 00:17:32,920
stuffed into stockings
hung with care,
391
00:17:32,952 --> 00:17:36,922
it's about what you
can find in here...
392
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,786
in this broom closet.
393
00:17:39,826 --> 00:17:41,126
Wow!
394
00:17:41,161 --> 00:17:44,261
Well this broom will make
the perfect tree!
395
00:17:44,297 --> 00:17:48,067
And this dustpan
will make a great star!
396
00:17:48,101 --> 00:17:51,571
Look at this.
397
00:17:51,604 --> 00:17:54,944
I can decorate these rubber
gloves and make stockings.
398
00:17:54,974 --> 00:17:58,614
Hmm, what else
can I find in here?
399
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:00,075
Just me!
400
00:18:00,113 --> 00:18:02,153
Jane Krakowski!
401
00:18:02,182 --> 00:18:05,152
Happy Holidays, Amy!
402
00:18:05,185 --> 00:18:07,115
You are here just
in time to help me
403
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:08,824
make some holiday crafts.
404
00:18:08,855 --> 00:18:10,655
Let's go there now.
405
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:19,767
* Beads and things,
and glitter and strings *
406
00:18:19,799 --> 00:18:23,739
* Glue and sew,
and buttons and bows *
407
00:18:23,770 --> 00:18:25,470
So, what are we making
today?
408
00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:27,965
Good question, Jane.
Festive holiday crafts.
409
00:18:28,007 --> 00:18:30,837
First, we'll be making
the toilet paper reindeers.
410
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,147
Oh, I find those
so en-deer-ing.
411
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:35,150
But how did you get
the antlers to stick?
412
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,522
I used glue.
413
00:18:36,549 --> 00:18:37,579
Glue?
414
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,687
Well, what kind of glue?
415
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:39,948
There are so many
different kinds of glue.
416
00:18:39,986 --> 00:18:40,986
Oh, just calm down.
417
00:18:41,020 --> 00:18:42,760
Don't get hysterical.
418
00:18:42,789 --> 00:18:45,959
There's a simple rule
I learned in school.
419
00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:48,702
It's easy to follow,
unless you're a fool.
420
00:18:48,728 --> 00:18:53,198
I'm not. I always win
the place mat maze.
[ Chuckles ]
421
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:54,673
* Use tacky with slick
422
00:18:54,701 --> 00:18:55,871
* And gummy with grit
423
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,042
* Pasty with silky
424
00:18:57,069 --> 00:18:58,639
* And sticky with stiff
425
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,171
* And if you're feeling extra
moxie, use industrial epoxy *
426
00:19:01,208 --> 00:19:03,508
* So now you have a clue
about glue *
427
00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:04,813
I think I get it.
428
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,814
If you have two things that need
to be stuck like a stamp
429
00:19:07,847 --> 00:19:09,677
on a letter or a beak
on a duck...
430
00:19:09,716 --> 00:19:12,116
* Grab a tube or a bottle
of your favorite crafting tool *
431
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,191
* You can squeeze, the rest
will follow the rules *
432
00:19:14,221 --> 00:19:15,891
Right.
* Use tacky with slick
433
00:19:15,922 --> 00:19:17,192
* And gummy with grit
434
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:18,234
* Pasty with silky
435
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,788
* And sticky with stiff
436
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,356
* And if you're feeling extra
moxie, use industrial epoxy *
437
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:24,855
* So now you have a clue
about glue *
438
00:19:24,897 --> 00:19:27,467
* Yes, we are the few who know
just what to do *
439
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:28,800
* When he sole falls
off your shoe *
440
00:19:28,835 --> 00:19:29,995
* Or you need to
thicken stew *
441
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:31,536
* Flexible, adaptable
442
00:19:31,571 --> 00:19:32,711
* Multi-use, reliable
443
00:19:32,739 --> 00:19:37,079
* Sticky, tacky,
goopy, gloopy glue *
444
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:39,579
Thank you!
[ Chuckles ]
445
00:19:39,612 --> 00:19:41,882
Well, that was fun!
446
00:19:41,914 --> 00:19:43,254
So, what kind of glue
do we use?
447
00:19:43,283 --> 00:19:44,383
We're not, actually.
448
00:19:44,417 --> 00:19:45,487
We're going to go
ahead and use tape
449
00:19:45,518 --> 00:19:47,718
'cause glue can be
a little messy.
450
00:19:47,754 --> 00:19:49,324
Listen, I can't thank you
enough for coming
451
00:19:49,356 --> 00:19:52,226
and crafting with me
today and singing.
452
00:19:52,259 --> 00:19:53,889
Jane Krakowski, everybody.
453
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:56,726
[ Applause ]
Okay, bye-bye.
454
00:19:56,763 --> 00:19:57,933
Next, we're going
to be talking about
455
00:19:57,964 --> 00:19:59,504
cooking with wizard sleeves,
456
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:01,732
especially if you're
using the back burner.
457
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:02,938
That can cause...
458
00:20:04,771 --> 00:20:05,571
...a fire.
459
00:20:05,605 --> 00:20:06,905
Jane, are you okay?
460
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:09,009
There's two exit signs.
[ Chuckles ]
461
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:10,581
Okay.
462
00:20:10,610 --> 00:20:11,440
Whew!
463
00:20:11,478 --> 00:20:13,578
[ Chuckles ]
464
00:20:13,613 --> 00:20:15,853
Boy, that Jane
sure is a whore.
465
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:18,252
So often, we're held slave
to the traditional,
466
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:20,515
especially when it comes
to holiday meals.
467
00:20:20,553 --> 00:20:22,423
I'm going to show you
that you can pull together
468
00:20:22,455 --> 00:20:23,755
a successful dinner
469
00:20:23,790 --> 00:20:26,290
from whatever you have
available in your cupboards.
470
00:20:26,326 --> 00:20:28,596
Okay, so let's see.
471
00:20:32,231 --> 00:20:33,101
Oh!
472
00:20:33,132 --> 00:20:34,602
A can of yams.
473
00:20:34,634 --> 00:20:35,774
This will be useful.
474
00:20:35,802 --> 00:20:38,242
Let's see.
475
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:39,271
Oh!
476
00:20:39,306 --> 00:20:41,406
A bag
of miniature marshmallows.
477
00:20:41,441 --> 00:20:43,941
This will be nice
to top off my yams.
478
00:20:43,976 --> 00:20:46,276
Let's see.
479
00:20:46,313 --> 00:20:49,453
Oh, a 12-pound roasted turkey!
[ Chuckles ]
480
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,782
This would make
a great main course.
481
00:20:51,818 --> 00:20:54,388
This meal
is really shaping up.
482
00:20:54,421 --> 00:20:58,831
**
483
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:08,470
**
484
00:21:08,501 --> 00:21:16,481
**
485
00:21:16,509 --> 00:21:24,519
**
486
00:21:24,551 --> 00:21:26,451
[ Doorbell rings ]
487
00:21:26,486 --> 00:21:29,116
Come along, Nutmeg!
Don't slow me down!
488
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:31,915
Oh, we heard about
your awful tragedy --
489
00:21:31,958 --> 00:21:35,128
the holidays stolen
from your tiny grasp.
490
00:21:35,161 --> 00:21:37,331
And look at me.
I was in such a hurry,
491
00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:39,374
I threw on that old
free fleece you gave me.
492
00:21:39,399 --> 00:21:40,929
I must look ridiculous!
493
00:21:40,967 --> 00:21:42,167
No, you look great.
494
00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:43,601
Really?
495
00:21:43,636 --> 00:21:47,006
Listen, we made you a holiday
punch, just to lighten the load.
496
00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:49,139
And what I did --
oh, I should say "we did" --
497
00:21:49,175 --> 00:21:51,705
is we melted a gallon
of pineapple rainbow
498
00:21:51,744 --> 00:21:53,454
sherbet into
some ginger ale.
499
00:21:53,480 --> 00:21:55,780
No alcohol, except
for the bourbon.
500
00:21:55,815 --> 00:21:58,945
Oh, now why does it look
so charming in here?
501
00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:02,045
Well, I made all
the decorations myself.
502
00:22:02,088 --> 00:22:04,958
Oh, after all the unfortunate,
unforeseen calamity,
503
00:22:04,991 --> 00:22:06,361
I didn't think you'd be
doing the holidays.
504
00:22:06,393 --> 00:22:08,063
What a wonderful surprise!
505
00:22:08,094 --> 00:22:10,634
Now, Nutmeg, I want you to take
that punch bowl full of punch
506
00:22:10,663 --> 00:22:12,503
and put it right down
there on that table.
507
00:22:12,532 --> 00:22:15,702
The table on top of that
one-of-a-kind white shag carpet.
508
00:22:15,735 --> 00:22:17,195
Isn't she adorable?
509
00:22:17,236 --> 00:22:19,536
She just couldn't wait to try on
her brand-new roller skates --
510
00:22:19,572 --> 00:22:21,972
Christmas morning
surprise.
511
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:24,638
There you are.
Oh, good job.
512
00:22:24,677 --> 00:22:26,177
Thanks for the punch,
Patty.
513
00:22:26,212 --> 00:22:29,582
Amy, well, that's what
good neighbors do -- punch!
514
00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:31,176
Now I don't want to
interrupt your party.
515
00:22:31,217 --> 00:22:32,347
We should get going.
516
00:22:32,385 --> 00:22:33,985
We're heading up
to our place next door.
517
00:22:34,020 --> 00:22:36,220
Oh, before you go,
I want to show you something.
518
00:22:36,255 --> 00:22:37,315
Okay.
519
00:22:37,356 --> 00:22:38,856
Gather round, everyone.
520
00:22:38,891 --> 00:22:41,991
I have a little holiday
surprise for you.
521
00:22:42,028 --> 00:22:44,528
Come closer.
522
00:22:49,101 --> 00:22:53,011
-Oh!
-Ah!
523
00:22:53,039 --> 00:22:55,709
30 minutes ago, I believed
the holiday special
524
00:22:55,742 --> 00:22:57,782
meant expensive
production numbers,
525
00:22:57,810 --> 00:22:59,510
preparing a pricey feast,
526
00:22:59,546 --> 00:23:02,106
and having a pricey collection
of glamorous guests.
527
00:23:02,148 --> 00:23:03,718
But since then,
I've come to learn
528
00:23:03,750 --> 00:23:05,520
that it's not about that at all.
529
00:23:05,552 --> 00:23:09,392
It's about regular people
celebrating in a regular way.
530
00:23:09,422 --> 00:23:12,362
The holidays are about
giving whatever you can
531
00:23:12,391 --> 00:23:15,631
of whatever you have to
whoever would want it.
532
00:23:15,662 --> 00:23:19,902
So, just to make a long story
short, this is my gift to you --
533
00:23:19,932 --> 00:23:22,032
no strings attached.
534
00:23:22,068 --> 00:23:28,068
**
535
00:23:28,107 --> 00:23:34,207
**
536
00:23:34,246 --> 00:23:36,646
See the head comes up.
537
00:23:36,683 --> 00:23:38,953
[ Indistinct conversation ]
538
00:23:38,985 --> 00:23:40,385
So simple.
539
00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:43,059
Ageless, really.
540
00:23:43,089 --> 00:23:44,719
Ageless.
541
00:23:44,757 --> 00:23:49,927
**
542
00:23:49,962 --> 00:23:55,132
**
543
00:23:55,167 --> 00:23:56,937
Well, it's the end
of another show.
544
00:23:56,969 --> 00:23:59,109
And it's time
for hits and misses.
545
00:23:59,138 --> 00:24:01,668
Hits -- I got my
holiday spirit back
546
00:24:01,708 --> 00:24:04,278
and I provided cheer
for the common man.
547
00:24:04,310 --> 00:24:07,850
Misses -- I didn't have enough
tinsel for my broom tree,
548
00:24:07,880 --> 00:24:10,680
my cookies were a little dry,
549
00:24:10,717 --> 00:24:14,247
and oh, yeah,
a celebrity was murdered.
550
00:24:14,286 --> 00:24:17,686
All in all, it was a very
successful holiday show.
551
00:24:17,724 --> 00:24:20,694
See you next week when we'll
be talking about bat sleeves.
552
00:24:20,727 --> 00:24:23,027
Good night.
553
00:24:23,062 --> 00:24:31,372
**
554
00:24:31,403 --> 00:24:39,813
**
38394
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