All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E06_English

Hello.

As my long-time viewers know,
this is a show about homemaking,

and most of that making
happens inside the home,

which is why in order
to get fresh air,

I start every morning
the same way --

practicing tai chi naked.

[ Inhales deeply ]
Ahhhhh!

Mm.

Just to feel the wind on my body
rejuvenates my cheeks --

all four of them.

Ah, yes.

[ Breathing deeply ]

**

**

[ Grunting ]

[ Breathing deeply ]

**

Ah!

Whew, that felt good.
[ Sighs ]

Ooh, ah.

Ah, that feels good.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, no! I've locked myself out.

What am I gonna do?

I'm supposed to be throwing a
dinner party for guests tonight.

Wait a minute.

Why do I need
to get into my house

to prepare for a dinner party?

Everything I could possibly
need, the forest will provide.

Nature --
tonight on a very special

"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

Hello, squirrel.

[ Squirrel chitters ]

**

**

Thanks to that
helpful scarecrow,

I found some suitable clothes.

What do an escaped convict,
a lovable tramp,

and an American Indian
have in common?

Aside from evading the law,

the answer is
the great outdoors.

They share a unique ability
to construct from nature

the items they need to survive.

Nature is like
a grocery store with bees.

Many people panic when
they're lost in the woods,

but the woods are
the safest place you can be.

Did you know 100% of household
accidents happen in the home?

Toaster electrocutions,
tub drownings,

break-ins,
armoire crushings,

ceiling-fan decapitations.

I got to get rid of that fan.

But I'm gonna show you
that everything you need

to throw a great dinner party
for special guests

is all right here.

Imagine, you're lost
in the wilderness

and have a party
to throw in a few hours.

What would you do first?
Build a shelter?

Find water?
Start a fire?

For me, it's make
a backscratcher.

I got strands of hay from
that scarecrow in my shirt

and it's killing me.

A pine cone, which I have here,
makes a perfect backscratcher.

It's like a tiny fist
with really chapped skin.

And I'm gonna use
this stick as the handle.

Now, I just need to
attach them together.

Oh, look. A family of worms.

Perfect. Ooh.

God. Find it.
Come on. You got it.

Ahh. Look at that. Ha-ha!

Oh, it's not quite long enough,
and I've used the whole family.

[ Mouse squeaks ]
I know.

I'll take the tail
off that harvest mouse.

Come here.
Hey. No.

Look at that. Perfect.

That's what's most
beautiful about nature.

It's so bountiful.

And in the forest,

there is no such thing
as shoplifting,

so take all you can carry.

Because no matter how many
shell necklaces you create,

nature is always going
to make more mollusks.

And if for some reason
it doesn't,

are we really gonna
miss mollusks?

Mm. Ah, yeah.

Ah, right there.

So, the next step in preparing
my outdoor dinner party

is gathering food.

And here to help us
is my good friend Sully.

[ Applause ]

Hi there, Sully.

I was just planning my menu
and scratching my back.

-Did you make that?
-I sure did.

Let me see. It's nice.

Ooh, you fastened it
with a mouse tail.

I use mouse tails
for all kinds of things --

forget-me-nots
and bolo ties,

shoe laces,
dental floss.

Actually,
I'm kind of surprised

you were able to find a mouse
with a tail still on.

I must've missed one.

Sully, nobody knows
the outdoors better than you do.

Well, that's right. I've been
living off the land for...

well, almost a half
a century now.

The woods are my home.
The animals are my friends.

Except, of course, the mice.
They tend to hold a grudge.

-Well, what's your life like?
-Oh, well,

imagine you've gone
on a camping trip

and then
you never went home.

-Mm.
-Or you couldn't.

Anyway, it's called
the great outdoors,

not the
pretty good outdoors.

-Yeah.
-You know something?

You're dressed
just like my girlfriend.

-Oh?
-She doesn't say much.

She's a scarecrow.
-Oh, okay.

So, Sully, I'm preparing
a complete dinner

from items I find
in the woods.

What kind of things
do you eat?

Oh, nuts and berries

and occasionally a squirrel
or a rabbit.

-Hm.
-You ever eat a cattail?

You know, I didn't know
they were edible.

No, they're not, but when you're
hungry, you lower the bar.

Oh.
Hey, what's in your sack?

Well, I'm glad
you mentioned that.

I've been gathering these
from the forest,

and they would be
perfect for your dinner.

Both: An assortment of nuts.

Wow, what do you got,
there?

Well, we got hazelnuts
and almonds.

Ooh, a buckeye.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

"Buckeye," that's a funny word.
What's a buckeye?

Well, it's got what appears
to be an eye on it...

-Oh, yeah.
-...like it's watching you...

-Oh.
-...like it's judging you

for the choices you've
made in your life.

I hate buckeyes.
What do they know?

Okay, well, you know, you can't
just exist on nuts alone.

How do you cook
in the wild?

Well, I don't use any pots
or pans or utensils.

I made these tongs
from a tree branch.

I sliced right down
into the "V" here

to get that
nice, springy action.

You see that? Look at that.
-Yeah.

Like the jaws of a cobra.

Just try snatching
one of those nuts.

-Oh, I'm good.
-Do it, Scarecrow.

-I --
-Do it!

-Hah!
-Aah! Oh. Oh, you're good.

-I am.
-My goodness.

Well, listen, cooking
without pots and pans.

That's like scaring away
raccoons without pots and pans.

How do you do it?

Just imagine you have
a pan on top of a fire,

and then
take the pan away.

-Oh, okay.
-I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna go
find some meat

and then I'll come back
later in the show,

and I'll teach you how to cook
without pots or pans.

Oh, that sounds great,
Sully.

Okay, we'll see you
in a little bit. Bye-bye.

So, we have nuts
for our big dinner,

and next --
can I help you, Sully?

I was just wondering if maybe,
you know, before I run off,

maybe you and I could,
you know...

you know...

I don't think so.

Your loss, Scarecrow.

Anyway, I got my eye
on an old hornet's nest.

-Ah.
-Her name's Sharon.

Okay. While Sully
scares up meat,

we'll go gather some kindling
for the fire.

And here to help us build it
is Ranger Russell Biscuit.

[ Applause ]

-I sure am happy to see you.
-That makes two of us, Amy.

Hey, look at you.

Looks like you shop at the same
store as Sully's girlfriend.

-Well, I sort of borrowed these.
-So, what you up to?

Well, I was just gathering
some twigs for a fire.

Well, it's a good thing
that I stumbled upon you, then.

Have you ever heard
of the old story

about the French trapper
who stumbled upon

the white man's fire
and exclaimed,

"Huh? Merde.
Ze fire is too grande.

She will burn up ze
forest to ze very ground.

French trapper...
She build petite fire.

Eez safe."

Are you sure it wasn't
a Chinese guy?

Well, I think the point
of the story is, Amy,

always build a safe fire.

First, make sure the fire
is away from trees.

Secondly...

...encircle the fire area
with stones.

Ooh.

-Oh, yeah.
-Whew.

Now...build your teepee
with your twigs.

Um, Russell,
what's the difference

between a teepee
and a wigwam?

Well, one of them
will get you killed.

Oh.

Yeah, you see,
a teepee, it burns up.

You build your twigs
in the form of a-a wigwam,

well that fire will burn
all cattywampus,

and then, well, you know,
it's every man for himself.

My goodness. I guess
I'll stick to a teepee, then.

That's good, responsible
thinking there.

And then of course if the fire
gets out of control,

I can always call
Smokey the Bear.

Smokey is
a fictitious character

that, uh,
some marketing company

cooked up to teach
camping safety,

because apparently
a human forest ranger

just don't look
so good on a poster.

You know, nobody seems to care
that a real ranger...

...needs a bachelor's degree
in forestry.

And I get it, a bear in a ranger
hat, that's kind of funny,

but I bet it's less amusing
when you need help

because you're on fire.
-Yeah.

-Think about that.
-[ Sighs ]

Thank you,
Ranger Russell Biscuit,

for teaching us
how to build a fire.

When we return, we'll look
for edible mushrooms

to add to our meal
from the forest.

Welcome back.

We're out here in the woods,
hunting for mushrooms,

one of my favorite pastimes --
behind hunting for seashells,

tracking elk,
and fishing for compliments.

I could never pull off
palazzo pants, could I?

[ Chuckles, gasps ]
Wow.

Nice purple-spored puffball.

Beautiful.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my land. Look at this.

A spotted wood blewit.

Fine gills finishing up
the stem junction.

No maggot holes.
That's a plus for most things.

Oh.

And what do we have here?

This is my favorite fungus.

The much maligned little
blue-capped morel,

which many mistake for the
violet stemmed chanterelle,

well known as a magic mushroom.

But, if you look closely,
right here,

the blue cap has jet-black
spores and pale gills,

unlike the violet chanterelle

which has the pale spores
and jet-black gills.

Hmm...Or what it
the other way around?

[ Laughing ]

[ Echoing ] I don't know.
I don't remember.

[ Laughing ]

**

**

**

**

**

Ruth: Hello?

[ Groans ]

-Hey there, Ruth.
-Oh, Amy.

For a second, I thought
Sully's girlfriend

got down off the post.

Nice of you to drop in.
I can use the company.

Esther will be gone
for a while.

She went to the city to get
a new map of the woods.

I hope she made it to the city.
She was using the old map.

Oh, that's funny, I would think
you'd know the woods

like the back of your hand.
-No, I don't.

All I have to use
as markers are the trees,

and they're always changing.

Sometimes they have leaves,
sometimes they don't.

Sometimes -- the leaves? --
they change color.

Well, Ruth,
as it turns out,

you're just the right
person for me to talk to.

I'm having a special
dinner party this evening,

and I need a centerpiece.

So maybe you can help me
put it together

with items
that we find in nature.

Well, that's my specialty.
I'm a naturalist.

Let's wander
into the woods

and see what the forest
can provide us.

Tree bark --
that would make a good vase.

Moss --
that's pretty.

Deer antlers.

Wow,
an old running shoe.

A rusted beer can.
A bike tire.

Wow, this is gonna be
the best centerpiece ever.

Wait a minute.
Did you move?

Oh, I'm just
following you.

But you were our marker.
We'll never find our way back.

Well, your cabin's
right there.

-Who's house is that?
-Yours.

It doesn't look like
that when I'm in it.

All right,
let's not panic.

We'll keep our eye
on that house,

walk toward it,
and ask for help.

Oh, my God!
Who's tracks are these?

We're being followed.
They're right behind us.

Run, Amy.

[ Sighs ]

We are gonna start
with the tree bark,

because when putting together
a natural centerpiece,

you want to mimic
what you see in nature.

I think the shoe
would come next.

That makes sense.

Now, I make my own
adhesive from tree sap.

While I adhere
these two items together,

why don't you take a moment
and do a little birdwatching?

Oh [chuckles]

One thing I won't do
in the woods is birdwatch.

Birdwatchers are
nature's peeping toms.

[ Chuckles ]
I mean, where does it end?

Next I'm spying on squirrels,
then before you know it,

I'm right back outside
my ex-boyfriend's window.

I don't think so.
-Oh no, I don't believe that.

Give them a peep.
Isn't that okay, Artemis?

[ Squawks ]

That sounds like permission
to me. It can't hurt to look.

Okay, well, if Artemis
says it's okay.

Ah. Look, a couple
of blue jays.

And I think they're in love.

[ Both chirping ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

[ Squeals ]

[ Dramatic music continues ]

[ Squawks ]

-I didn't see a thing!
-Everything okay, Amy?

Yeah, you know,
no birds out today.

Oh, too bad.
What do you think?

I meticulously crafted
this natural sculpture.

Every item
has its purpose.

Whoops.

Oh, you're missing pieces
right and left.

Oh, we don't need them.

Okay, well, I think
it's the perfect addition

to nature's dinner,

and I can't wait
to bring it back to my table.

-Thanks, Ruth.
-Oops. Be careful.

-I got it.
-Bye, Amy.

**

-How's it going, Sully?
-Good.

I got the ashes
good and hot.

Now let's throw
the meat on there.

You just throw the meat
right on the ashes?

Yeah, that's where
the flavor is.

Well, isn't the
flavor in the food?

-[ Chuckling ] No.
-Oh. Okay.

Well, what kind
of meat is that?

Well, let's just say
it's the kind of meat

that doesn't run
very fast.

Hmm, sounds slow.
What else are we making?

Well, I have
this gourd here...

-Uh-huh.
-...filled with water,

and I'm gonna take
some hot rocks

from in here in the fire
and place them in the water.

-[ Chuckles ]
-And look at that.

-[ Chuckles ]
-It's starting to boil.

Wow. Well, what can you do
with hot water?

Oh, all kinds of things.
You can make soup or tea

or just let it cool down
and then heat it up again.

That's my favorite.
I'll show you something.

Have you ever
seen these before?

Um, they look like
potatoes.

Oh.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Well,
we'll cook them anyway.

Okay.
There you go. Wow.

Now, while Sully
finishes cooking,

I'm gonna make sure everything
is taken care of for my dinner.

**

[ Whistling, clicks tongue ]

-[ Chuckles ]
-Oh, hey.

-Hey there, Russell.
-Amy.

I was just making sure
everything is ready

for my guests
this evening.

I've got my setting.

The food is being prepared.
I've got music.

Can you think of
anything I'm missing?

Doodie ditch.

-Doodie ditch?
-Doodie ditch.

When you spend an extended
period of time outdoors,

on the list of things to do,
number one is number two.

Hm.

You cannot throw
a successful birthday party

without giving your people
a proper place to poop.

I tried it once,
and the party was a disaster.

Second worst birthday party
I've ever had.

Now, someone might think that,
"Oh, uh, just some random tree.

I'll get behind there
and make like a carriage horse."

But unless you're planning to
immediately evacuate the area,

you will quickly be educated
as to your faulty thinking.

That is why digging
a doodie ditch is essential.

First,
you'll need a spade.

Mm.

Well, here's a coconut.

A coconut?

Perfect.

It's the perfect digger,
and I'll tell you why.

You break it
and you get shards.

I'll show you how.

You grab it firmly
in one hand...
Okay.

...and you find what they call
the face of the coconut.

Now,
if you look closely,

beneath the wispy
little hairs here,

you'll see a thin line
that runs up and over the skull.

-Yeah.
-So find a sharp rock.

And, uh, you turn, uh,
the face away from you.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Just, uh...pick a spot
to focus on in the woods.

It'll be over quick.
I promise. I'm so sorry.

You want me
to leave you two alone?

-No. It's fine.
-Oh, okay.

He knows what he signed up
for by being a coconut.

[ Grunts ]
-[ Gasps ]

And here we have the
perfect blade to the spade.

All we need now
is a handle.

Mm.
How about this?

Ah. Good.

[ Spade clanks ]

[ Chuckles ]

Never put your doodie ditch
close to a stream,

buried cable wires, undetonated
land mines, or train tracks.

And remember, after
each fresh-baked offering,

cover with a layer
of dirt.

[ Applause ]

Now, the last and most
important step

is to make sure that you signal
where your doodie ditch is

so that nobody steps
into it by accident.

Oh, we can skip
that step.

I've got guests coming
any minute.

No, that's a bad idea.

Amy, I cannot stress enough
how crucial this one step is.

It's gonna be fine.
Come here.

I want to show you
how I made the napkins.

-Oh, my goodness.
-Yeah, leaves.

[ Classical music plays ]

Okay, first of all,
I spent all day outside

planning a dinner party
for special guests

that turned out
to be all of you.

So let me tell you
what's on the menu.

A bounty
of Mother Nature's droppings,

a generous offering
from Sully's nut sack,

ash-roasted game loin,

a gathering of gourd-boiled
forest potatoes,

whittled goblets
of nature's nectar,

and an assortment
of fleshy fungi --

chanterelles, toadstools,
and puffballs.

Of course, Russell's
freshly-dug doodie ditch.

Unfortunately,
he's not here

because he refuses to
break bread with a bear.

-[ Growls ]
-[ Chuckling ] Okay.

Esther brought
some of her jazzy records.

And Ruth, of course, made
our lovely centerpiece.

But let's give special
thanks to Mother Nature,

who provided this
wonderful bounty.

Whenever we are in need,

she always will keep us safely
nestled in her abundant bosom.

Because you see,
nature is always on our side --

Esther: Look out! Snake!

[ Hisses ]

Nobody move!

It's a Red Band Long
Necked Moist Mouth.

-Throw a rock at it.
-No, you'll never hit it.

That snake has the reflexes
of a cat stuffed into a tube.

Oh, he's right. Don't
underestimate its tenacity.

They're unkillable.

I've seen a Moist Mouth

bring down a school bus
full of children.

Well,
maybe we can't kill it,

but it doesn't mean
I can't charm it.

No, that's madness.

Everyone just stay
where you are.

I can do this. I've charmed
worse guests than this before.

Just ask my hallucination.

Sully, play some
snake-charming music.

[ Record scratches,
classical music stops ]

**

[ Vocalizes ]

**

[ Vocalizes, hisses ]

**

[ Vocalizes ]

**

It's working.

**

Aah! Doodie! Aah!

[ Hisses ]

[ Dramatic music plays ]

-[ Screams ]
-[ Growls ]

[ Screaming ]

Amy...
A-A-Amy, it's Russell.

I heard the screams.

The horrible,
horrible screams.

But you're safe now.
-What?

We were in the forest
having dinner

that we made
without pots or pans.

And you were there
and...you

and you
and you and you.

It was just a dream,
Amy.

They might have
to amputate her arm.

What are they doing
with my arm?

I meant amputate it
in the dream.

Oh, good.
I'm glad my arm is okay.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

Wait, but it couldn't
have been a dream.

We were all there,
and...

then that horrible
snake showed up.

-We all dreamed silly dreams.
-Wait a minute...

if that was a dream,
then what is this?

Why am I here
in this hospital bed?

Shh.
You just need some rest.

We're gonna step outside
so the doctors

can come on in
and check you out.

Sharon and I just know
you're gonna be fine.

[ Heart monitor beeping ]

[ Rattling ]

Wait a second.

Is she gonna be okay, Doc?

I feel safe now.

[ Dramatic music plays ]
[ Hisses ]

[ Hisses ]

It's time to record our hits
and misses in the Party Log.

Hits -- cooking without
pots and pans is fun.

People loves nuts.

Sully found my house key
in the doodie ditch.

Misses -- never trust a doctor
without ears and shoulders.

Well, that's it for now.
Good night.

[ Chuckling ] Oh.

I told you
I could charm it.

[ Giggles ]

[ Hisses ]