All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E05_English

[ Sad, mournful music plays ]

Oh, hello.

Don't worry,
I didn't know him.

I just wandered in here by
accident looking for a bathroom.

I'll go as soon as I can leave
without raising suspicion.

Man: Shh!

But as it turns out,
this is a happy accident,

because it's a stark reminder
that, sometimes, people are sad.

Tonight, we'll learn how
to entertain the heartbroken,

amuse the inconsolable,
and perk up the distraught.

"Grieving" -- tonight,
on a very special

"At Home with
Amy Sedaris."

How did you know
the deceased?

Oh. He was my,
uh, boyfriend.

That's surprising,
because I'm his wife.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I meant "lover".

Hm.

**

We've all lost someone
we care about.

For instance,
a few years back,

I was in a bathtub
with a Chinese man.

And I felt what I was sure
to be a cyst on his testicle.

I urged him to see
a specialist right away.

He protested,
saying it was nothing.

Eventually, he relented,
and after a thorough exam,

turned out
he was right.

It was nothing.

On the way home,
he was murdered.

I'm sure we've all experienced
similar stories of loss.

The truth is, you can't
swing a dead cat

without hitting someone
who is grieving --

especially if they were
the owner of that cat.

There is no bigger
hospitality challenge

than entertaining
for the grieving.

What do you say
to them?

What can you offer?

How do you balance compassion
against all the fun things

you'd rather be doing?

I always like to present the
distraught with a small plant,

started from
a cutting or sampling.

This represents
a new beginning.

If you look closely --

Smokey, if you can get
a close-up on this --

you can see the roots
lounging in the water,

like the tentacles of a --
a squid, be it.

Not calamari, squid.

Not all plants sprout when
they are in water, of course,

like those I put
in my fish tank, for instance.

If they did, I'd have
a tank full of roots

instead of my happy
fish Ragsdale.

**

Ragsdale...?

Sorry, just a minute.
Ragsdale?

What are you doing at the bottom
of the tank, buddy?

Just see if I can
just perk him up.

Oh my God, Ragsdale.

What's going on, buddy?

What are you doing on
the bottom of a tank?

Well, his eyes
are wide open!

That's a good sign!

Hey.

I saw on this special once,
if you just apply salt

to the water,
that'll perk him right up.

Okay. Just use a
common table salt

you'd get in
any restaurant.

There you go, baby!

There you are --
oh God, it didn't work.

Celery seeds, crushed
red pepper, hot sauce!

[panicked voice]
Ragsdale, come on, baby!

[ Cries ]

Oh, God!

[crying]
Oh my God.

[ Funeral music playing ]

[ Sighs ]

Goodnight,
my sweet fish.

All of you.

[ Thunder crashes ]

[ Wolves howl ]

So sad.

[ Door opens, bell chimes ]

Knock knock knock!

Oh, I heard
about your loss!

I thought I'd be a good neighbor
and rush right on over.

Now, I hope you don't mind,
I brought Nutmeg.

Nutmeg!

You can pick one thing
out from the house!

Don't worry, she'll
bring it right back.

I also made you some
award-winning gingersnaps.

I'm gonna need
this tin back.

And I dug up a ranunculus right
out of my Yard of the Month!

Just dug it up!

You know, I've won
three years in a row --

not to toot
my own horn.

Now, I know you've competed
and never won Yard of the Month,

but let me give you
a quick tip, Amy-Lou.

Stop burying dead
animals in the yard!

You know, Patty, I am not
feeling up to you today.

I'm just gonna
lay on the couch

with a pantyhose eye burrito
over my eyes

and listen to
some whale songs.

A pantyhose eye burrito --
say what, now?

That sounds like an intro
to Crafting Corner to me.

Let's go, Amy!

[Singing, crying ]
Beads and things and
Ragsdale -- [ cries ] --

Bows.

Okay. Well, today
we're gonna be learning

how to make
a pantyhose eye burrito

'cause the show
must go on.

This is my assistant,
Doug.

Dawn.

Oh, I'm sorry,
uh, Doug.

And, um, he's gonna
assist me today.

So, what you're gonna need
is, um, some beans.

If you don't have beans, you can
use dimes or kitty litter

or something heavy.

That, uh, substance,
but not,

like, charcoal
or anything like that.

You're gonna need
some glue and pantyhose.

I don't see
the pantyhose.

Did you not set
the pantyhose, Doug?

I wasn't told to.

Okay. Well, are you
wearing pantyhose?

I am.

Well, I don't even know
why you're wearing pantyhose.

I ask all my assistants
to have a fake tan.

I can't afford it.

Oh. So, now you're asking
for more money?

-No, I'm not asking for --
-That's what I heard.

I guess we hear what we want
to hear, don't we?

All right. I need you to remove
your pantyhose, please.

[Whispering]
I'd prefer not to.

Well, I would prefer not to have
lost an adored fish, okay?

But that's
the way it went.

There's nothing I can do
to change that.

Now, I'm not gonna
make you do something

you don't want to do here
on national television

just because it might
ease my suffering, but...

I need you to remove
your pantyhose.

Okay.

And I'll just have
someone punch you out

and then punch you
back in since this

is gonna take
an incredible amount of time.

[Under breathe]
...wait.

The entire male crew
will wait.

Thank you, Dwayne.

Dawn.

Okay.

Then, you're gonna
do like so.

Oh my God,
why are they so wet?

Now, I want you to hold
these up, Derrick.

All right.
What I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna cut off
one leg, like so...

Then, I'm gonna go ahead
and cut off the other leg.

And there, you have an instant
bike short, lots of support.

Okay. So,
what we're gonna do is,

we're gonna take
one of the damp legs

and you're gonna
fill it with beans,

about a pound
or a bag and a half.

You can use
any size bean.

You might want to use something
with more of a lip

that you can just
pour into,

'cause scooping can be
a little time-consuming.

And if you are poor and you
want to be on the clock more,

then it makes absolutely
all the sense in the world.

Keep going.

It's almost as if
I'm your assistant.

Okay. Now, you're gonna
tie that off at the end.

And what I do, sometimes, is
that, I use the other moist leg

and I reinforce it.

All right,
there we go.

Okay. Why don't you
work that down.

Okay. And now, you're gonna knot
it off, right here at the end.

Knot it right there.

Okay. So, there you have
the basic eye burrito.

Now, you're gonna
lay it flat.

What color are your eyes?
-Blue.

They look more
brown to me.

You can do all different kinds
of sizes and shapes.

Hm, this is almost
the shape of a fish.

I didn't think
about that.

It's fish-shaped.

That's odd.

Okay. And there you have
the basic eye burrito.

You just -- let me
just show them,

because Doug has large,
um, bags under his eyes.

The bag area we have here
and on this side.

So, this is really good
to cradle over there.

and that will bring
that baggage down.

Okay. Well, that's pretty
much it for the eye burrito.

Why don't you clean
this mess up, clock out.

Okay. And I'll take
my eye burrito.

Thank you
very much, Doug.

Dawn.

Patty: See, doesn't it feel
better to do your show?

Now, wouldn't it be easier
if you cradled this bag

of frozen spring peas
over your face?

I don't feel well.

There you go.
Listen, why don't you just

sit there,
relax, release.

Keep your feet up,
make yourself at home,

and I'll take care
of everything else.

I've already started making
myself a cup of hot iced tea.

[ Fake laughter ]

And here's another
Yard of the Month tip --

heirloom seeds!

You can always order them
from Quarrels and Hogg

seed catalogue.

You know,
Quarrels and Hogg?

My great-great-great
granddaddy's company.

Of course, it's just
Hogg seeds now.

They had a rift.

They didn't click.
They didn't click!

So, they divided the company
into two, just like a worm.

Quarrels went on
into fertilizer

and my great-great-great
granddaddy

kept the seed company.

That's where I get
my heirlooms!

Now, Amy, the point is,
you're not gonna

win Yard of the Month
overnight.

It's not easy.

I know,
I'm on the committee.

So, what I want you to do is,
let me take over in here.

I mean, how hard can it be
to run a little TV show?

I can do it,
trust me.

Just tell me
where to look.

Right here?
Okay, Smokey.

Roll it!

**

Hello. I'm Patty Hogg, and I'll
be your guest host tonight.

Let's take
some phone calls!

Hello. What's your question
and where are you in the house?

Trina: Hi,
my name is Trina.

Do you live near
the Tanglewood area?

-Sort of.
-I knew it!

I heard it
in your voice!

I'm a Triangle
staple myself.

My parents came over
on the Mayflower.

I have roots here.

Oh my land,
look at this.

She's got her tea cups mixed
with her juice glasses.

Oh, Amy, you are
just useless!

Okay, Trina,
what's your question?

Trina: I attend a lot of wakes
and I'm always lost

for something to say
to the widow or widower.

So, why are you
calling me?

Trina: To get an answer
to my question.

Oh! Oh, right!

Oh my land, I forgot
I'm taking phone calls!

Okay! I got it,
I got it, I got it!

Okay. What to say
to a grieving person?

The best thing you can do
is to be honest.

Here are some things
I've said to the grieving.

"Was he drinking
when this happened?

And where were you?"

Next call!
Keep them coming!

Hold, please.

Nutmeg!
Nutmeg!

Don't cut that!

You are a guest
in this house!

We have Linda Mungus from
the Research Triangle area.

Linda lost her husband
last spring.

Oh, good God,
almighty.

I just saw your photo.

I see the loss has taken
its toll, Linda.

Linda: That picture was taken
before my husband passed away.

Oh.

Well, in that case,
you look swell.

It reminds me -- rooftop bees,
be careful around the hive!

What's your question?

Linda: This will be the first
holiday without my husband,

and I'm not sure if I should
make a whole turkey.

I'm leaning toward just
making a chicken breast,

but it doesn't
seem festive.

Make the turkey,
Linda.

Make the turkey!
It's the holidays!

Looks so lovely
on a platter.

I'll take one more call.

You're on
with Patty Hogg!

Amy: Hi, Patty, this is Amy
calling from the couch.

What can I do
you for, Amy?

Well, Nutmeg is rubbing feces
all over my designer curtains.

Now, is it her feces?

What difference
does it make?

Well, she swallowed my cocktail
ring and I'd like it bac.

Leslie gave it
to me years ago.

It's a family crest --
the family crest!

I've said too much!

What's your question,
Amy-Lou?

How do you tell
a person to leave

who has burst
into your home

and taken over
your show?

Well, that's
a terrific question,

and I'll answer that
after we return

from this
commercial break.

-I'll hold.
-This is called a teaser.

I want you to stick around
because I don't kiss and tell.

A lot more's
gonna ha--

I was in the middle
of a sentence, Smokey!

Oh, this is
ridiculous!

Patty: What should
we do now?

Ah. Gingersnaps.

Oh!

What's this I see?

Okay, let's see.
Okie-dokie.

Oh, here we go!

"Ideas for segments --
grieving calisthenics,

exercise the pain away."

How about "throw
the index card away"?

"Salads for sadsacks!"

No one cares.

Hmm.
"Dried flowers."

I think
we have a winner!

Ding ding ding ding ding ding
ding ding ding ding ding!

Let's see.

"For a burial, most mourners
bring fresh-cut flowers

to toss on
a newly dug grave,

but that's just covering
death with a blanket

of what will soon
be more death.

That's why I think a dry
wreath flower arrangement

is a perfect idea."

And it is!

Nothing makes me happier
than wandering

into my
Yard of the Month,

heading over to the
flower-clippings patch,

cutting some flowers,
and putting them

into my dehydrating shed.

It's the same place I dry
my award-winning hams!

Let's see here.
Oh.

"Drying flowers is
an enjoyable pastime" --

agreed.

"And to teach us
how let's go see Ruth,

the lady in the lodge, question
mark, exclamation-point."

Well, what does she know
about drying flowers?

I'm the person you want
drying your flowers!

I'm Yard of
the Month winner!

You know, that woman
defecates in my yard --

defecates in my yard!

* Deep in the forest,
a lady lives *

* In a small house
that is made of twigs *

* She's earthy and simple
and looks very plain *

* And what you don't know
she will try explain *

* She bathes in a creek
and she sleeps on a cot *

* Feasting on mushrooms
and apricots *

* Her bathroom's a hole
in the dirt that she dug *

* Her friends are a raccoon
and a slimy spring slug *

* She's the Lady who
Lives In The Woods *

**

Oh, hello, and welcome.

Do you like my dried-flower
memorial wreath?

This will go on top of the grave
we'll be digging for our cat

Hodge who died recently.

Hodge was an older cat,

but still, his demise
was a little premature.

He nibbled on
an amaryllis,

which Esther brought
into our cabin.

Now, any naturalist
worth her salt

knows amaryllis
is toxic to cats.

But somehow, this vital
information eluded Esther.

So, now, we just have
one cat.

One lonely cat.

This is where Hodge
will spend his eternity --

nestled in
his homemade coffin,

or cat...

sket.

Drying flowers is a very
complicated process.

How do you think one might
dry flowers, Esther?

Stop watering them.

Okay.
Yes.

But to hasten the process,
place your cut flowers

in a bowl of silica gel.

Once your flowers
are dried,

you want to wrap a wire
around the stem.

You can then assemble
your dried flowers

into whatever shape
you choose.

Do you know what kind of flower
this is, Esther?

This is a baby's breath,

which is appropriate, because
Hodge loved to chew on these.

He loved to chew on all the
houseplants, so you can see

why he was confused
when the amaryllis showed up.

[ Car door closing,
car leaving ]

Well, we'll see you next time
here at the Lodge.

[ Squawks ]

Artemis,
I couldn't agree more!

I couldn't agree more.

* She's the Lady who Lives
In The Woods *

Welcome back to "At Home
With Amy Sedaris"!

I'm Patty Hogg on this very
special episode on grieving.

Now, I thought
it might be fun

to speak to an expert
on sadsacks.

Please welcome,
from Sullen and Sons --

the local funeral home
in Morehead City --

mortician Frank Sons.

[ Funeral music plays ]

Nice to have you
here, Frank!

I'm happy to be here.

Now, how's your
lovely wife, Eleanor?

You know, I saw her
in church last Sunday.

She looks good for a woman
who was thrown

from a riding lawnmower.

She's resilient.

[ Applause ]

Now, Frank, I imagine in
the funeral-parlor business

that you come across a lot
of really distraught people.

I do.

It helps that it's
their loss and not mine.

But how do you keep all that
sadness from rubbing off on you?

I can't imagine being surrounded
by the darkest of clouds,

all that crying
and sobbing and wailing.

How do you do it? Tell us now.
Tell us, Frank.

I've learned from a young age
to shut it down, put up a wall.

I deny even
the most basic form

of human empathy
or emotional connection.

I mean, I just don't
understand it.

How you can be surrounded
by it, day after day,

day in and day out,
on a daily basis,

around all those
unfortunate corpses,

a constant
reminder that death

is just knocking on
the backscreen door,

so close, so close!

Don't open the door, Frank!
Don't open that door!

[ Cries ]

I hate my life!

Okay, okay.

Get a hold
of yourself, Frank.

Now, I want you to give
my best regards to Eleanor.

May she be up and running
that lawnmower soon.

[ Applause ]

Look what I made.
You remember Nutmeg?

-[ Cries ]
-Okay.

Well, you just sit
with your thoughts.

Frank the mortician,
everybody.

Well, this is awkward.

Oh! Welcome back to
"At Home with Amy Sedaris".

I'm her neighbor,
Patty Hogg.

You have to leave now.

Don't get off
that couch!

It's too soon.
it's too soon.

You haven't even completed
your 12 steps of grieving.

Have you apologized to all
the people that you've hurt?

I have a show to do.

Well, your show has
already left the station!

And guess who
the conductor is?!

Now, to help you through
the grieving process,

I've invited a few people
over from the community

to throw you a proper wake
for your fish, Ragsdale.

-What?
-And I'm supplying
the main course.

I've got my award-winning
meat shoulder in the oven!

Talk about easy-peasy!

Do you want to see
how I made it?

No.

I thought you'd
never ask.

Roll it!

**

I assembled a crack squad
of "meatateers"

and had them compete
to see who can carve

the finest cut
of shoulder --

the shoulder being
the knees or the neck.

And we crowned
a winner!

Well, that's my roll-in.

Good for you.

Now, I've asked all the guests
to bring a covered dish

and to tape their names
to the side.

I don't want any mix-ups.

One time, I left Evelyn Rancor's
house with the wrong platter,

and you know how I feel
about my platters.

I even called Miss Lockemy
from the Triangle Church choir

to bless us
with a spiritual.

You know, I'm really not
in the mood for guests today.

Of course you're not!

Look at you, all covered
with bloat and pale,

looking like all the blood
has been drained

from that tiny
skull of yours.

Dark circles
around your eyes,

looking like that raccoon
who does your accounting.

Good news! Frank the mortician
is coming by --

he was here earlier --

and he's gonna
make you look alive.

Do a little punch-up,
a punch-up!

I sure hope you've got
good tipping money,

'cause he's got his work
cut out for him today.

I really don't think
I need any makeup.

I think you're over-exagger--
[ Doorbell rings ]

Please welcome back
Frank the mortician!

[ Applause ]

I'm happy to be back.

What have you been up to since
you were here last, Frank?

I walked out to my car
and got my makeup case.

There's your freak show, Frank.
There's your freak show.

This is gonna take
a lot of work.

That's what
I told her.

Hmm.

What do we have here?

Hmm.

Tissue fixture,
massive decomposition,

stiffening of the epidermis,
flagrant detritus.

You know I'm
still alive, right?

Oh, you will be
when I get done with you.

I told you Frank was
the right man for the job.

What about filling
that hole right there?

-Yeah, I'm gonna --
-And can you lance that?

-Yes, I can --
-And can you shave that down?

Maybe something
with that upper lip?

Now, Frank, I know you're busy
with Amy and all,

but I was just wondering,
what you would do for me?

Can you lower my brow?

Can you lift my chin?

Or maybe, I can come by
the funeral parlor

and you can just
have a look-see.

You are unbelievable,
Frank -- unbelievable.

There you go.
There you go!

Look who's coming alive!

Now, while Frank
tends to Amy's face,

we're gonna go
to commercial break.

We'll be right back!

That's my line.

Mnh-mnh, too late!
We're already gone!

[ Piano music plays ]

[ Hums ]

* We're all together again

* We're here, we're here

* We're all together again
We're here *

* We're all together again

* Singing all together again

* Yes, we're all
together again *

* We're here,
we're here *

Get out of here. Go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Welcome to my wake!

I'm Patty Hogg,
and this is a hit!

I can tell everyone is having
a wonderful, gloomy time.

While their guest of honor
is off changing

into a grieving ensemble,

let me set the stage!

Smokey has set
the lights low,

candles are bright,
a bowl of bananas,

and my dried-flower reef.

It's the magic Triangle --
fruit, fire, flowers!

It's all about the flow
of the table.

It tells a story,
and this one's about eating!

Naomi's hot nuts,
Vicki's pickled beats,

Bernie's artichoke au gratin,
Bill's smoked sardines...

Smoked sardines?
Well, that's in poor taste.

Not on my watch, Bill!

A-boo, a-hoo!

Lui's hot chicken salad,
Nutmeg's banana pudding.

The ingredients might be
suspect on that one.

Sarah's deviled eggs,
and of course,

Patty Hogg's award-winning
meat shoulder!

Now, if you want more
information about these recipes,

shame on you!

This is a wake.

Show some respect!

Father Vance.

Now, the icing on the cake
the icing on the cake!

My specialty --
holy-ghost cake.

And of course,
hanging above us

are Nutmeg's handmade
tissue ghosts.

Nutmeg, show us
how you make them.

**

Oh!

**

Oh, fantastic!

And here comes the
Queen of Grieving, Amy!

[ Applause ]

Earlier today, something
horrible happened,

and I thought
I'd never smile again.

But thanks to Patty and all
of you, I've been proven wrong.

You look
just like yourself.

[ Patty chuckles ]

Now, Frank has a little
something for you.

Mm-hmm.

He bought it, but I told him
where to get it.

Oh.

I'm gonna
name him "Frank".

[ Applause ]

And now, it's time
for Hits and Misses.

Misses --
Ragsdale will be missed.

Hits -- a thoughtful neighbor
who cares enough

to help me
when I'm down

and my new fish,
Frank.

[ Sighs ]
I'll never be sad again.

**