All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E03_English

[ Doorbell rings ]

**

Hi.
Thanks so much.

Wait, wait, wait.

Here you go.

A present --
my favorite kind of gift!

I wonder what it could be!

[ Contents rattle ]

I can't wait to see.

Gifts -- what a perfect way
to show someone you care

without having to
spend time with them.

Gift-giving -- tonight,
on a very special episode

of "At Home
with Amy Sedaris."

I already have
one of these.

**

**

Gift-giving is an art,

but oddly enough, the worst
gift-givers are artists.

Another napkin doodle,
Sebastian?

[ Chuckles ]
I don't think so.

We exchange gifts
for many reasons --

a show of friendship,
to acknowledge a milestone,

Secret Santa, public Easter.

But for most of us,
gifts mean store-bought items

that although might be rich
in quality and practicability,

are lacking in that crude,
adorable pointlessness.

A draft catcher.

Anyone can give
a mass-produced gift,

but isn't it a littler
more specialer

to give a one-of-a-kind,
handmade item?

I'll show you what I mean.

Follow me.

Stay on the runner.

How about a panty-hose
room divider?

A mouse pin made of burlap.

A rock painted like a potato
fully-loaded.

You're not gonna find
that in any store.

But you might say,
why go to all the trouble

to handmake our gifts?

Is it because making gifts
is cheaper

than buying something
a person actually wants?

I don't think so.

You might add, is it because
hand-crafting gifts

is a good way
to get rid of the odds

and ends you have lying around

but don't have the
energy to toss out?

That's closer.

Tonight I'm having
a special friend over

to thank them
for taking care of my turtles,

Curly and Poppy.

I'll be presented them with
all sorts of handmade gifts,

but first,
I have to craft them.

So let's get creative and head
on over to my "Crafting Corner."

* Beads and things
and glitter and string *

* Glue and sew
and buttons and bows *

These are my good friends,

Jason and Pippa,

and they're gonna
help me craft.

What do you think
of my crafting room, kids?

Wow, you have a lot
of neat stuff.

Whoa, look at all these colors
and sparkly things.

Well, these are
my crafting supplies --

glitters and button
and ribbon.

But did you kids know
the crafting room

is the most dangerous room
in the house?

In fact, I don't let anyone
craft in this room

until they've seen this film
about crafting safety.

Are you two ready
to watch a movie?

We just kinda want
to make something.

Okay, okay, okay.

Roll it, Smokey!

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Blood splatters ]

Look familiar?

Crafting accidents like this
happen every day.

Hello.
I'm Dr. Claire Shanks,

President of the National
Crafting Safety Council.

So many of you have discovered
the joy of crafting

only to have that joy
turned to tragedy.

A multiple of perils loom
like a dark cloud

over even the most
organized craft rooms.

Crafting mishaps range
from paper cuts to murder.

In this film, we will discuss
the hazards lying in wait

and the precautions
you can take to avoid them.

**

Consider this statistic --
86% of all craft room accidents

are the result
of reckless crafting.

That's more than
all craft injuries

caused by malfunctioning glue
guns and snake attacks combined.

You must take precautions.

Listen to what seasoned crafter
Calvin Shuckles has to say.

He learned the hard way.

Hi.

My name's Calvin Shuckles,
long-time crafter.

If there's one thing
I've learned --

you must begin every
crafting session

with the attitude
"I'm going to die today."

**

**

Aah!

**

**

**

Aah!

So there you have it.

Craft at your own risk,
but take precautions

and always leave
an emergency contact.

Never craft unless
your affairs are in order,

and always wear
a crafting ID bracelet.

Remember --
crafting safety is on you.

[ Gasps ]

[ Choking ]

[ Groans ]

[ Gasping ]

[ Snake hisses ]
Aah!

Ow! Oh!

[ Crying ] No!

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, I never get tired
of watching this film.

So, you see what
I'm talking about?

Now, are you kids
ready to craft?

All right!

For our first craft, we'll be
making something simple,

but it makes
a terrific gift for anyone

who appreciates
a portable buddy.

It's called
Popsicle Stick People.

First thing you're gonna do is,
at night when you go to bed,

you're gonna take
a box of Popsicles

and you're gonna
put them in the sink

to drain all
the liquid from them.

Because what you want
is the stained stick, okay?

Just because it gives it
a little bit of detail.

So pick out a stick.

Now you're gonna put
some glue down,

like where you think
the eyes would be,

and you're gonna put
a little glue on the top

where you think
his hairline would be.

-Can I have some -- please?
-Oh, yeah, there you go.

-Thank you.
-Let's see what you got.

Nice job there.

Excellent job.

Just squeeze as hard --
just squeeze it really hard.

Then, strawberry,
chocolate, or vanilla?

What color hair
do you guys want?

-Strawberry.
-Strawberry?

What do you want?

-Vanilla.
-There you go.

-Thanks.
-Okay.

And then you just stick
the stick in the bag

and pull it out,
and see where the hair lands.

It's fantastic.
[ Laughs ]

Okay, that's hilarious
because it's a mess.

But it still works.

There you go.

Like that.

Just see where
the hairs lands up.

I came up with this late
at night after...vaporizing.

[ Laughs ]
That's hilarious!

It's got a big bald spot!

That's perfect!
All right.

That's it for this episode
of "Crafting Corner."

My thanks to Jason and Pippa.

You know, crafting, like many
enjoyable things, is a really --

[ Snake rattles ]
Snake!

**

Did you know some of
the best gifts are edible?

For example,
this vanilla candle.

Mmm!

Here's a good tip --
When invited to a birthday party

and stuck on a gift idea,
make a cake.

Sure, they might
already have a cake,

but if they forgot,
then you're the hero.

And if they didn't forget,

pretend you're having a seizure
and fall into their cake.

Now when you arise from the
floor covered in buttercream,

not only are you the person

who quickly rebounded
from a seizure,

but you're also the one

who saved the day
with a backup cake.

This also works for meatloaf.

I think Angel Food Cake
filled with ice cream

is the perfect gift cake.

Helping me craft this treat
today is our old friend...

Randy Fingerling.

Hello, Randy.

Mahalo, Amy.

Have you been traveling?

Oh, I have.
I was recently in Fort Wayne.

They've got a wonderful
tiki bar at the airport.

Oh, fun. Well, why don't you
tell the audience

why you're here today?
-Okay.

Well, I am redeeming
a gift-coupon book

that you made me,
for one baking session...

with full release.

Okay. Well, first of all,
I gave you that

coupon book
about six years.

If you're gonna make
a coupon book as a gift,

you know, filled with coupons
for back massages or foot rubs,

make sure you include
an expiration date.

Secondly, that was a coupon book
for one free baking session.

The rest is
in your handwriting.

Oh, well...busted.

I guess you can't fault
a guy for trying.

Yes -- yes, I can.

What else is in that book?
-Let's see.

We've got "vacuum my apartment,"
with a full release,

"one haircut,"
full release,

and "lunch with my mom,"
full release.

Look, I know adding full release
to the coupons you made me

might be a bit of a reach,

but if it works one
out of five times,

well then,
Randy has been released.

Those aren't even
accurate odds.

Let's just make the cake,
shall we?

Great.
Lady taking control.

Me rikey.
-[ Sighs ]

Okay, well, I cheated
a little bit.

I actually, um,
made the cake earlier,

'cause I assumed
you were gonna be busy

and you want to get out of here
as soon as possible.

But the thing about this
type of cake is you need

a lot of extra wiggle room

so that you can make it
in any room of the house.

What about the bedroom?
How about the living room?

Whatever works.
Okay, I'm just gonna...

Nice and --
Is that a candle I smell?

Just get off of me.

Okay. Just want to get over
to the table.

Now, I've pre-prepped
the room,

just because sometimes
it can get a little messy.

Got it.

-Madam, your stool.
-[ Chuckles nervously ]

How is your knee?

I got it, thank--
I got it, thank you.

What we're gonna make now
is my special

Angel Food
Ice Cream Cake.

Sound good, Randy?

Sound great.
Only addition --

maybe some
cakey-makin' music?

[ R&B music plays ]
Okay...Here we go.

Now, you're gonna take it
off the bottle.

This helps loosen it.

How's the lighting in here?
Is it a little...

Everything, uh, it's fine.

I can see what I'm doing.

Sometimes you need
to insert a knife,

just to help loosen the sides.

Oh, you want to loosen
the sides up.

[ Whispers indistinctly ]

-Like this.
-How's the --

So now I'm gonna
take this long knife,

and I'm just gonna take
a quarter of an inch

off the top --
the "hood" is what I call it.

Okay.

Now, you're gonna make a little
tunnel, little trench, so...

Okay. And you're just gonna
set this aside.

You're gonna need it later.
You don't want to throw it out.

No, you don't want to -- you
don't want to waste the cake.

Okay. And then you're gonna use
your ice-cream scoop,

and you're going to scoop
the ice cream out

and fill the trench up.

And is that a quick-release
scooper right there?

Yes, it is, Randy.
That's a good...observation.

Or is it
a full-release scooper?

Okay.

You can use any kind of
ice cream you want.

I chose strawberry
'cause they're in season.

Okay.
There you go.

Okay.
All righty.

You want to pack it
in really hard.

Okay.
[ Moaning softly ]

Okay, you don't have to really
manipulate the ice cream.

I can't believe
we're doing this.

Yeah, I can't believe
we're doing this either.

Okay, you just want to
pack it in nice and firm.

Oh...Randy...

Ahh.
Is it too cold?

Hmm.

Okay.

Go put the hood back on,
like so.

Now, the filling that
you took out earlier,

you're just gonna
put in the hole.

-Mm, okay.
-Nothing goes to waste.

I got --
okay, that's enough.

And you're gonna cover the whole
cake with whipped cream.

Now, I'm using a can today.

Okay, why don't I just...

If you do that,
will you leave me alone?

Okay.

And then we're gonna put it
all over the cake.

Mmm.

Be generous
with the whipped cream.

I do have a knife.

Okay.
Oh, my God.

And then you can put
toasted almonds on top,

or coconut if you want,
a birthday candle.

And this is really
the perfect cake.

And you just put it
in your freezer

until your guest arrives.

I want to [bleep] [bleep]
Okay, Randy, that's it.

Okay.
There you go.

I would like very much
to thank our guest,

Randy Fingerling, today.

When we return,
we'll meet my special guest

and find out how my
hand-crafted gifts go over.

After this.

Okay.

Oh, hello.

I'm just making some
necklaces out of raisins.

Jewelry is always
a lovely gift,

especially for
those people you care about

who have strange patches
of skin that need to be covered.

I once gave a puka-shell choker
the width of a neck brace

to a great aunt
whose throat looked like

an 80-year-old man's scrotum.
[ Chuckles ]

I always find it amusing when
people spend a lot of money

on jewelry gifts.

But who needs rubies
when you have raisins?

For more jewelry crafting ideas,
let's go watch

"The Lady Who Lives
in the Woods."

* Deep in the forest,
a lady lives *

* In a small house
that is made of twigs *

* She's earthy and simple
and mostly plain *

* And what you don't know
she will try to explain *

* She bathes in a creek
and she sleeps on a cot *

* Feasting on mushrooms
and apricots *

* Her bathroom's a hole
in the dirt that she dug *

* Her friend's a raccoon
and a slimy spring slug *

* She's The Lady
Who Lives in the Woods *

**

Nature's jewelry.

Hello.

Welcome to the lodge.

The forest offers us
all kinds of treasures

that could be strung together

to imitate things
that are attractive.

Let's go over
to my log table.

Hello, Artemis.
[ Artemis squawks ]

Nature is a wondrous,
wondrous...

[ Light laughter ]

Esther has a new friend
over today, Ariel,

who tells me her area of
study is moss and lichen.

Why don't you say hello,
girls?

[ Laughter ]

I would assume given
Ariel's expertise,

she would know that
although lichen

is often confused for moss,

they are not
in the same genus.

Of course moss, although
often overlooked,

is a hearty, stable plant,
rich in character.

And lichen is a
Johnny-come-lately fungus

who, like most fungi,
cannot be depended upon.

Isn't that right, Ariel?

[ Laughter ]

Why don't we begin with this
Carrot and Potato Necklace.

When I make this
nature's adornment,

I'm very careful
to always go in this order --

carrot, potato, carrot,
potato, carrot, potato.

But today I thought
I'd shake it up,

so I'll string them
like this --

potato, carrot,
potato, carrot,

potato, carrot.
[ Light laughter ]

See?
I can be adventurous.

Artemis: [ Squawks ]
Potato, carrot.

Potato, carrot.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, hello, Artemis.

Next, we'll be making
a ring rock,

which is wire shaped
to fit your finger or toe

and is topped off by a rock,

or as I like to call them --
nature's diamond.

Looking at rocks, I'm always
reminded of their long history,

old as the Earth itself.

I think about how they were used
for tools, foundations --

or in Biblical times,
to stone an adulterer to death.

And feathers in your hair
won't protect you!

[ Laughter ]

Why don't we move
to the next craft,

a Seed Art Rooster Brooch?

I am fond of roosters.

Sometimes I'll get up before
dawn, sneak over to their coup,

and shine a flashlight
in so the rooster

thinks it missed morning.

It's all part
of a new segment

I'm thinking about
where I prank roosters.

I'll call it
either "Ruse-ters"

or "Cock-a-doodle Duped."

[ Chuckles ]

See? I can be fun!

[ Artemis squawks ]

A Rooster Brooch.

First, cut the image
you want out of cardboard.

Cover the cutout
in a light layer of glue,

and then arrange
your seeds in a pattern.

Aww.

I have to be careful
with these Seed Brooches,

'cause Artemis, our parrot,
likes to nibble on the caraways.

I wouldn't get too close!

That beak
can take out an eye!

Just ask my eye.

[ Glass clinks ]

So anyway, I like to start
with the lighter seeds on top --

poppy, sesame --
and move down.

Artemis!
Seeds!

Who wants seeds?

Who do you love?

Artemis:
I love you. [ Squawks ]

[ Laughter ]

Once you get your seeds
adhered to the cardboard,

attach a pin to the back
and stick it right...

into your heart.

I should mention, this natural
accessory can be adorned

with any types of seed --

millet, mustard...
[ Rock music plays loudly ]

celery, sunflower...

That's it for us,
at the lodge!

We'll see you next time!

**

Artemis, no! My brooch!

* She's The Lady
Who Lives in the Woods *

So far on the show,
we've talked about

so many terrific
gift ideas to give.

But what about those times when
it's you receiving the gift?

We are all familiar with that
awkwardness of accepting

a gift you hate.

It's so important to disguise
that disappointment.

Here to help us learn how,
please welcome,

from the Research Triangle
Community Theater circuit,

Russell Schnabble!
-[ Laughs ]

Welcome!

I am so thrilled
to be here.

I could've floated over instead
of walking, which is what I did,

because the transmission
fell out of my Hyundai.

Oh, my!
Well, you're here now.

[ Chuckles ]
I sure am, Amy!

Now, Russell,
you're here to teach us

how to mask
our true feelings

when we get a gift
we don't like.

But first, why don't you tell us
what you've been working on.

Thank you so much
for asking me, Amy.

Currently I am in a production
of "Zorba the Greek."

I'm playing Tevye.

Uh, Tevye.

Isn't that from
"Fiddler on the Roof"?

We did in fact combine
the two productions.

There weren't enough Jews
or Greeks in our community,

so we decided
to hedge our bets.

Oh my God, how rude --
I have a flyer for you.

Oh, terrific.

Okay. Okay.

Sorry.

-Got it?
-Sorry.

-Okay.
-And here it is.

Oh! Okay.
As you can see right here,

if you want
all this information,

it's here
in black and white.

And I'd also like to offer
you complimentary tickets

to our little show.

How many can I get you?

Oh. Um...

I don't know,
is a couple too many?

How about
a couple dozen?

We're trying to pay
for the house.

Oh, okay.
Which night?

All of them.

Oh. Okay, well, it sounds
like a great musical.

Oh, I wish there
was music in it.

We actually spent our whole
budget on the lyrics.

Oh, okay.

Now, Russell, you're here
to give us some pointers

on pretending how to like
a gift you receive,

but you really don't.

In other words, acting.

I am, but first,
before we start,

Amy, if you don't
mind me saying,

the sweater that you're
wearing is fantastic.

Oh!

I mean, it really highlights
your root-beer brown eyes.

Oh, my goodness!

Well, I got the last
of the pink, but you know,

I made it myself.

I hate it.
I hate your sweater.

But -- I'm sorry,
but you just said that --

So, one of the things
I just did is called acting.

[ Applause ]

What -- Oh my God,
that came out of nowhere!

That's amazing!
-I know, I know.

I said I liked it,
but really I think you look

like a lumpy pot holder
holding a dumpy pot.

[ Laughs ]
That's incredible!

Do another one!
Do it again, do it again!

-My pleasure, my pleasure.
-Okay.

Oh, my God.
If you don't mind me saying,

your hands are those
of 16-year-old, Amy.

Thank you!

I've been using hand lotion
since I started shaving my legs!

Your hands look like the claws
of a graveyard raven.

What --
[ Laughs ] My good gracious!

You are
a true local artist!

You got me again!

You see, Amy, acting
is nothing more

than pretending to act,
okay?

My job as an actor is to
manipulate my audience

into believing
my lies are the truth.

I'm what you call
a "pathological actor."

Okay, well, how can someone
like me learn how to do it?

I mean --
-Well, it's simple.

Say things you don't mean,
but pretend that you mean them.

I have a technique,
if you'll watch.

First of all, when I act,
I never look anyone in the eye,

so -- yeah, so even
that is too much.

So I should look this way?
Okay.

And often I encourage
a thin layer of perspiration

to collect
on my upper lip.

I will allow my heart
to race.

And sometimes I will summon
a lump in my throat.

-Oh.
-Right there.

Just before
I start talking.

So...

I'm telling you, Russell,
you make it sound so easy!

I mean,
you are a true master!

Oh, shut up!
Shut up!

Well, it was really a pleasure
having you on the show today.

I'm so happy to be
here too, Amy.

Actually, I think you're
the worst guest we've ever had.

I used your technique
and it worked!

Oh, my God!

Acting is reacting!

We'll be right back
after this commercial.

I hope my turtle sitter
doesn't need these techniques

when I present my gifts.

You know, what's funny --

Well, my gifts
have been prepped,

my cake is chilling
in the freezer,

and I think I'm just
about ready to go.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh-- that must be
my turtle sitter now!

I'm in the craft room!

Hello, Stephen!

Hi, Amy!

Stephen Colbert,
my turtle sitter.

How are the turtles doing?

What?
-Good.

I mean...
-Amy?

Well, a raccoon chewed
off Curly's foot.
What?!

You know, I don't think
he misses it much.

Oh, come on, Amy!

I know I'm just
your turtle sitter,

but how could you
let this happen?

This is neglectful!

I warned you about raccoons
and their love of turtle meat!

I know. I thought they'd be safe
in the outdoor pen!

Unsupervised?

Why don't you just take
the turtles and plop them

on a stainless-steel counter
next to a cook pot

in a kitchen
in Singapore?

All right, well, I'll keep
a better eye on them,

I promise, Stephen.

Look, I'm sorry to be
so militant about this, Amy,

but you know my history.

That night back in high school
when I freaked out on the beach

and beat that sea turtle
to death with a flashlight --

I didn't know the marijuana
was laced with PCP!

And from that moment,
I promised myself

I would spend all my free time
protecting the turtles.

Oh, it's not your fault.

You thought it was a heron.

The lack of feathers should
have been a telltale sign.

I know. But it was dark out
that night.

You're right,
I forgive myself.

That's the spirit!
All right.

Now listen, I made you
some crafts, right here,

to show my appreciation for you
always watching over my turtles.

Oh, please! It's enough
that I get to spend time
with the turtles!

Well, I know, I hear you,

but I'm gonna give
them to you anyway,

and you can always
re-gift them.

Okay.
I made you
some Popsicle Stick Buddies...

Wow.

...this amazing Pipe Cleaner
Crafty Spider...

-Realistic.
-Realistic.

...this Raisin necklace.

This is adjustable.

-Oh.
-Mm-hmm.

You just eat the raisins?

Yeah, yeah --
you just eat the raisins.

This Ice Cream Cake,
with your favorite ice cream.

-Oh.
-Mm-hmm.

And I got you 12 comp tickets
to "Zorba on the Roof."

Hard to get.
-Wow, that's generous.

Yes. Mm-hmm.
Well, thank you so much.

Listen, I'm gonna
be away in March,

so can you swing by
and watch the turtles?

I'm supposed to do
my TV show in March...

Oh...

-I'll get out of it.
-Oh, good.

They are always
happy to see you!

Stephen Colbert,
everybody!

[ Laughs ]
Always good to see Stephen!

You forgot your gifts.
-Oh, yeah.

Sorry about that.
-It's okay.

-Okay. Thank you.
-Got it.

These right here...
Thank you very much.

Don't forget your
adjustable necklace.

Okay.
Thank you.

Now if you follow me
into the bedroom,

it's time
for "Hits and Misses."

Let's see, misses...

snakes...

Randy Fingerling.
[ Scoffs ]

Hits...

Jason, our little craft
helper, is fine.

Although he is
a bit traumatized.

We had to cut him out
of a constrictor.

Until next time,
I'm Amy Sedaris.

I'm ready to redeem
that free haircut now.

[ Sighs ] Randy, the only reason
you were on the show is

'cause we had
a cancelation.

Oh, Vincent D'Onofrio
suddenly gets food poisoning.

Interesting.
You're crazy.

This is never
gonna happen again.

Let's just knock that book
out.

All right, well,
if you got it in you.

Oh, God.

Until next time,
I'm Randy Fingerling,

the man
with pepperoni nipples.

Good night.

Oh, my God.

[ Both chuckle ]

**