All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E02_English

Fish.

Wondrous creatures of the sea.

Exciting to catch,
delicious to eat.

Fish, tonight on a very special
"At Home With Amy Sedaris."

**

**

**

Fish -- a strange, cold-blooded
and limbless creature

that thrives in the stuff
we drown in,

a thing of nightmares,

but, when battered
and panfried, scrumptious.

Growing up, we always
had fish on Fridays.

I believe it had something
to do with religion,

but the details
are lost to boredom.

But the real takeaway
from my childhood is,

"Fish equals Fridays,"

which is why the subtheme
for tonight's episode is

"TGIF," or, "Thank God
It's Fish Day."

Tonight we'll be having
the merry time of our lives

by making a complete
fish dinner

with all the trimmings.

Hello, guys or gals.

I don't pretend to know
your fishy parts.

That's your business.

[ Laughing ] Oh! Whoa!

Joining me for dinner, I have
some very special guests --

people you've all heard
of -- businessmen.

Now, typically, I don't
associate with businessmen.

I've never held a white-collar
job, and I'm never going to.

But I accept that the world
is run by businessmen and,

at some point, you'll
probably find yourself

forced to entertain one.

So I got a line on a few
of these business types

and invited them over.

I'm excited to say, they will be
joining us later in the show.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Finding the right fish
can be very confusing.

There are so many
types of fish --

canned, sticked,
plattered, gefilted.

So I'm going to introduce you
to some of my favorites.

With the help of
my local fishmonger

and part-time boyfriend,

Magnus here, I will teach you
everything you need

to know about fish.

Good to see you this morning.

First up, the Arctic char.

There you go.

Now, this is the less-attractive
cousin to the salmon.

Most people prefer salmon
but will settle for char,

especially if it's the end
of a night of heavy drinking

and all the salmon
has been ordered

by the investment bankers.

The red snapper!

Now, you know it's the
red snapper because it's red

as you can see here,

a workman-like fish known
for its firm texture

and abundance of mercury.

Perfect if slowly poisoning
a loved one is on the menu.

Next up is the porgy.

Now, this is perhaps
the dumbest fish in the sea,

easily fooled by the most
simple of lures.

So simple to catch, you can
practically pull up to the pier

in an unmarked van,
slide open the door,

and it'll jump right in --
a real dumb-dumb.

Next, the pollock.

Now, this is what I call
the utility fish.

Mmm, look at that
muscle on Magnus.

The versatile catch used
for fake scallops,

imitation crabmeat,
and real fish sticks.

Really nice.
Mmm.

It's a tall one, baby.

Next up is the monkfish.

This homely drifter is known
for its antisocial behavior

and lack of morals.

And finally, we have the fish
we will be cooking today --

the river fish.

Now, the river fish
is an every fish.

It's always a crowd-pleaser,

assuming the crowd
likes river fish.

The river fish welcomes breading
and embraces the frying pan.

But before we panfry our little
friend, he'll need to be gutted.

Luckily, we know an expert
on cleaning fish --

our friend Ruth, The Lady
Who Lives in the Woods.

You handle them very nicely.

Woman: * Deep in the forest,
a lady lives *

* In a small house
that is made of twigs *

* She's earthy and simple
and must live plain *

* And what you don't know,
she will try to explain *

* She bathes in a creek,
and she sleeps on a cot *

* Feasting on mushrooms
and apricots *

* Her bathroom's a hole
in the dirt that she dug *

* Her friends are a raccoon
and a slimy spring slug *

* She's The Lady
Who Lives in the Woods *

**

Oh, hello.

You're just in time
to help me clean fish.

Welcome to the lodge.

This is Artemis, our parrot.

Awk!

Here's a basket of
fresh river fish

that I caught earlier
with my friend Esther,

down at the Chinchiwa Creek,
a favorite spot of ours.

We were going to make
a weekend out of it,

camping and building fires,

but we got a late start
because Esther overslept.

So we didn't get to do all
the things we had planned.

But sometimes life
is that way --

lazy and full
of unkept promises.

Point is, Esther, she'd sleep
the day away if I let her,

and I'm not gonna let her,

especially when we had
an agreed-upon departure time.

But we can't dwell in the past,

even if it was
just this morning.

Artemis: Awk!

And look at these
little beauties.

I've been a little hard
on Esther, but we did bring home

just a lovely basket of fish.

Didn't we, Esther?

Isn't it nice to see
a basket of fish?

Aside from her
occasional tardiness,

one couldn't hope for a better
fishing partner than Esther.

The first thing we do
when cleaning a fish

is to have a go
at these rough scales.

When you scale a fish,

it's important to make
sure it stays moist.

Okay, I'm struggling here
because the fish dried out

as they were transported
in a basket.

And why were they
transported in a basket?

Because I assumed we'd be
coming home straightaway.

But Esther had other plans.

Remember, Esther, we had
to pull off the road

so you could do
a charcoal drawing

of that field of thistle?

Point is, we now have a basket
of dry river fish on our hands.

Let's just move on to gutting.

Grip your fish.

Remove the head by cutting
above the gill.

Or in the case of dried-out
fish, just snap the head off.

And then insert the fillet
knife into the anus,

drawing the knife
toward the head,

splitting the fish
to the base of the gills.

Rip open the abdominal cavity
with your fingers,

and remove the guts.

Now, most people quickly
dispose of the fish innards.

I like to sauté them
and feed them to our cats,

Hodge and Podge.
[ Meowing ]

Oh, our cats are circling.

They know a treat is coming.

Now, I say "our" cats,
but who does all the feeding,

litter scooping, and neutering?

Do you know the answer
to that one, Esther?

[ Car door slams ]

[ Car engine starts ]

Thanks for spending some time
with us here in the lodge.

I hope you learned some handy
tips on cleaning a fish.

But at the least, I hope
you took away some good vibes.

What do you have to say,
Artemis?

Awk!

I couldn't agree more.

Woman: * She's the lady
who lives in the woods *

Thank you, Ruth.

I've got the skillets heating up
and the fish lying down.

When we return, a "TGIF"
Friday fish fry.

I have a very simple preparation
for frying fish --

a light dusting of flour,
a little salt and pepper,

and into a hot skillet
coated with olive oil.

This recipe also works
for chicken,

known as the fish
of the ground.

Now, these fillets are a little
big for a single portion,

so what I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna cut them in half.

Okay?

Here we go.

Oh!

A dull knife --
a cook's worst enemy.

A dull knife?
What am I gonna do?

[ Bell ringing ]

Oh, Knife Man?

Knife Man!

[ Bell ringing ]

Tony Pugnalata
at your service.

Oh, it's so nice
to see you.

Nice to see you.

Well, Tony, what do you
think about this?

Let's see.
What do you need it for?

Well, to cut things.

Oh, gosh, no, that needs
to be sharpened,

but it's still
excellent for stabbing.

Oh.

Well, I don't have
much need for stabbing.

Spend a few nights
at a men's shelter.

You'll get
real good at it.

I would like to introduce
you to Vincent.

Oh, you name your knives?

They name themselves.

Okay.

Well, how do you
sharpen a knife?

Excellent question,
Amy.

There are a lot of
schools of thought on this.

Some people prefer a, uh,
oil hone or a dry hone.

What I like is a Japanese
water stone.

And when it comes
to sharp blades,

the Japanese really know
of which they speak.

Just ask any of our boys who
survived the Bataan Death March.

Oh, well...
Mm-hmm.

What I do is start out
with a heavier grit.

And what we like to do now is
we switch over to a finer grit

and remove some of the burrs
that may have developed.

That sounds nice.
I like that.

Well, it feels
real nice, too.

You almost went into
a trance, there, Tony.

Yeah, it really is soothing.

It takes a lot of time...

Uh-huh.
...but knives are patient,

unless they're provoked.

Oh, gosh, you're
so knowledgeable.

Where did you get
your expertise about knives?

I thank you so much
for asking, Amy.

When I was younger,

I watched my father slash
my mother to death,

and so now my feelings
about sex are --

are all jumbled up
with thoughts of violence.

Okay, well,
thank you, Tony.

Thank you.
What do you have coming up next?

Oh, gosh, just gonna push
my heavy cart up the hill

and fend for my life
in the streets.

Oh, my.
Well, let me know

how it turns out.
Can do.

Tony Pugnalata, everybody.

Ta-ta!

Oh, my, look at the time!

My businessmen will be here
soon, and we didn't even address

the most important part
of a fish dinner --

making lamb chops.

As it turns out, a lot of people
don't like fish,

so it's very important
to always have an option.

But look what I have on hand.

Now, Smokey, if you can get
a beauty shot

of these remarkable lamb chops.

Those river fish will really
have their work cut out

for them,
vying for the main course.

You know what?

These chops look so spectacular,

I think we're gonna
have to prepare them

in a very special way.

Let's go see my next-door
neighbor and friend

Patty Hogg, coming to us
from her country club.

Patty: Hello, Frank, Lou!

Careful on
that 18th green.

It's slick today.

Now, am I coming through?

Is this remote?

Oh, okay.

I'm standing here
on the 18th hole

of my beloved Divot Hills
Country Club,

the most prestigious
country club

in the Research Triangle area.

And what we're gonna be doing
is we're gonna be

grilling up
these gorgeous lamb chops.

Look at these pink cuts.

They're just perfect,
like little baby feet.

Oh, keep your head down.

Left arm straight.

Oh!
Right into the sand trap.

Man: Damn it!
Boo-hoo!

You better pull out
your niblick!

I've said too much,
I've said too much.

So, the first thing we're gonna
do is we're gonna line

the bottom
of the grill with foil

before cooking,
which makes cleanup a breeze.

Next thing I'm gonna do
is I'm gonna add my charcoal.

Now, the Grilling Council
suggests 18 to 20 briquettes.

Whoopsy, one too many.

Now, before heating up
your charcoal,

remember to pile them
into a teepee shape similar

to what you place
around your pole beans.

Now what you're gonna do is
you're gonna light your fire.

Oh, look at those flames!

Look at those peaks!

Oh!
Now, how do you know

when your charcoal's ready?

I like to wait until
the charcoal briquettes

are country-mouse gray before
placing any food on the grill.

Now, you're gonna spread
your charcoal

evenly over
the cooking area.

Fore!
What's that? Oh.

Now you're gonna place
the rack on top like this.

Now I'm all ready for the chops.

Now, I always adhere to
the recommendations

of the Searing Association
and space

my chops about one inch
apart from each other,

or roughly two tough knuckles.

Oh.

Ew.

Ew!
Ew!

Okay, now,

when dressing
your lamb chops,

I use a simple marinade
of olive oil, rosemary,

and salt and pepper.

And we're just gonna
brush these on top like so.

There you go.
You can flip them

and do the other side.

You never want to over-marinate.

Oh, I spoke too soon.

I have over-marinated.

Let's get this baby.

No problem.

Just like new.

Oh!
Look at that sizzle.

So, there you have it --
lamb chops on the grill.

I'll see you on the 19th hole.

Max, hold up.

How are the greens today?

[ Laughing ] Oh, hello.

I was just pulling this
out of my closet.

Earlier, I promised to
teach you how to pull together

a nautical-themed decor
that will really push

your fish dinner
over the overboard.

And now I'm gonna deliver
in the form of potato ships.

Welcome to "Crafting Corner."

Woman: * Beads and bling
and glitter and string *

* Glue and sew
and buttons and bows *

Potato ships are the perfect
seafaring edible craft

and so simple to make.

And to prove it, I've taped
fake fingernails to my fingers.

See?
Aren't they beautiful?

All you need is tape...

and fake fingernails.

Okay, for this craft,
you will need baked potato,

skewer, cheese singles,

mushroom button caps,
construction paper,

and a little bit of glue.

So, now what we're gonna do

is you put the potato
in front of you.

Now, if you have an apartment
or a house or something,

and it's really hot and you
don't want to turn your oven on,

you can go to your local diner

and they will sell you
a potato to go.

And you're going to put
an incision this way,

and then you're going to push
the ends towards each other,

north to south,
not east to west -- this way.

Now you can put anything
on your baked potato.

I'm gonna put a little dab
of sour cream.

You could also use mayonnaise.

Okay, just a little bit.

All right?
Put that aside.

Okay, next, we're gonna
make the sail,

which is gonna allow
this to set sail.

So, you're gonna take a skewer.

Now, you want to make sure
that you do the flat side up,

'cause this piercing part
is gonna

actually go into
the baked potato.

You don't want to hurt anybody.

So, I have precut some
construction paper here,

like a flag --
two-sided flag.

Okey dokey. All right.

This is where nails
come in handy.

See? Did you see that?

I simply separated the pieces
by using that nail.

If you have short nails,
I wouldn't recommend this craft.

Okay, now, what you're gonna do
is you're gonna take the skewer,

right there,
put it in the crease,

and you're gonna leave
a little bit of top

for something special later.

Okay?

And you're gonna
apply some glue.

Okay?
Going to glue it down.

Okay?

Oops.
A little dried out.

No problem.

Okay, squeeze.

A little dab will do it.

Hmm.

Oh, my goodness. [ Laughs ]

Just...

All righty.

Okay, wood glue is good.

You can use wood glue, for sure.

You can use any glue, really.

All right, joke's over.

Okay, just apply
a little bit of glue.

Dab, right there.

Okay, perfect.

Oh, okay.

That might be a little bit too
much, but we can make this work.

So, you're gonna pull it up.

You're gonna fold it over.

There you go.

Now, I know that seems
like a lot of glue,

but glue dries clear.

This actually works in my favor,
because what I want to do

is I want to make this look
like it's blowing in the wind.

And then what you're gonna do
is add some cheese

to it to make the sail.

You take it off the paper.

Now, you can use these later.

This is a great way
to get off makeup.

Um, now, Smokey, if you can just
get a close-up of this.

Gonna pierce here and bring
it back under like so.

Choof.

Cheese will work with you
if you let it.

Now, the fun part is,
and the reason

you want to use the nails,

is we're gonna create...

First of all, take your nail,
pluck it down like a sandpiper

pulling up something
on the beach,

take a mushroom cap...

to create the crow's nest.

How adorable is that?

Insert it into your potato.

This is a great party favor.

There you go --
edible potato ships.

[ Foghorn blowing ]

This is a table
that is ready to set sail.

On the bow, we have a
captain's-wheel-size platter

of fried yellow perch.

On the stern,
our succulent lamb chops.

Over on the port side, a whale
of a bowl of our seamen's

special coleslaw

and award-winning hush puppies.

After that, we have a tuna
tower of cold boiled shrimp.

On the other bow, we have
my adorable potato ships.

And the table is anchored
by a conch shell

and a beachcomber's hat.

All that is missing is a sunset.

Wait a minute.

Breathtaking.

You know something?

I forgot to mention, a fish
dinner won't be complete

unless you follow it up
with a perfect dessert,

which is why I made a batch

of my famous
maple-caramel brownies

with real maple syrup.

And I must confess, I didn't use
just any maple syrup.

I used Von Mueller's.

Taste the history.

What do you think
of my pancakes?

I think
they're delicious...

now.
"Now"?

What does that mean?

Honey, I have
a confession to make.

I switched syrups.

What was wrong
with our old syrup?

Wasn't Von Mueller's.

Von Mueller's?

Von Mueller's uses
old German trees.

They've been crafting syrup
for over 140 years.

And you know what?

You can taste it.

Von Mueller's?

Wasn't that Hitler's syrup?

Yeah, uh, Hitler did use it,
but so did lots of Germans.

It's been a Bavarian family
tradition for generations.

Hmm.
What about Himmler?

Look, no one is denying
that it was the official syrup

of the Third Reich,
but consider this.

Nazis -- right?

-- they could have any syrup
they wanted.

What did they use?

Von Mueller's.

Yeah.

I guess so.
Right.

So let's just focus
on the happier aspects

of Von Mueller's history,

like their longstanding
tradition of crafting

a deep, dark, amber syrup.

So let the rest go and enjoy
our pancakes, shall we?

But didn't they find
Von Mueller's syrup in canisters

in Hitler's bunker?

It was an established
syrup company

long before the Nazis
took power.

I mean, did Hitler like it
on his pancakes?

Yes!

Did Von Mueller's also
make munitions?

Absolutely!

But that doesn't make it
Hitler's syrup!

Chorus: * Von Mueller's --
not just Hitler's syrup *

* The Kaiser loved it, too

Von Mueller's -- you know it's
pure because it's Von Mueller's.

[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh!

That must be
my business-mateys now!

Hi!
Please come in.

Thank you.
Yeah.

Thanks for coming.
Hmm.

There you go.

Gosh.
There you go.

Welcome to my home.

Yeah.
Please.

Okay, have a seat.

I like your suits.

Oh.
Nice.

Yeah.

Well, I guess I should start by
saying, um, tonight's cocktail

is called a Salty Scallywag.

It's a combination of gin,
pickle juice, a splash of sodey,

and a salted rim,
garnished with a shrimp tail.

Here's to
my Friday fish fry.

There you go.

Okay, for those of you
who aren't fond of fish,

I also have lamb chops.

Which would you prefer?
Uh, lamb chop.

Lamb chop.
Lamb chop.

Oh, okay, hmm.

All right.

So, I understand you work
in a very tall office building

in the Research
Triangle Park.

Mm-hmm.
Tell me, uh,

what kind of
business things do you do?

Hedge funds.

Oh, okay, well,
tell me about that.

Well, we manage fairly
aggressive portfolios

that use advanced
investment strategies

to leverage
derivative positions

in both domestic
and international markets.

Oh, so, that's
what businessmen do.

Okay.

Uh, can I freshen up
your scallywags?

No.
No.

Okay, well, maybe we can talk
about something other than work.

What's your life like
when you're not working?

Uh...

I recently went on a date.

Oh, well, that sounds
universal and humanizing.

Tell me about your date.

All righty.

Uh, well,
I decided I would, uh,

see this little
chippie on the side,

you know, just a couple
of nights a week, right?

Is it Delores
in Accounting?

No, no,
that was last summer.

No, it was that scrappy little
redhead receptionist on 11.

You dirty son of a bitch.

Thank you.

So, uh, anyway, we're having
a couple of drinks

the other night over at
Hang Chow's Mandarin House

just to, you know,
prime the pump.

You dirty son
of a bitch.

Thank you.

So, uh, I'm pretty well-lubed
and she's good to go,

so I ask for the check
and I tell

Red it's time
to skedaddle, right?

So she excuses herself to,
uh, freshen up.

They love to freshen up.

Oh, right you are.

So, I'm about
to pay the bill,

when guess who waddles
in to Hang's?

Who?

That fat busybody
from Edith's book club.

Book-club ladies.
Right?

She's out with a couple
of the gals,

and she's sticking her bulbous
nose into my business.

What did you do next?
Well, what could I do?

I mean, and I exchanged
a couple of pleasantries,

said I just finished
a business meeting,

and I got the Sam Hell
out of there.

But all the while,
Red is in the ladies' crapper,

slapping on rouge for a night
that's never gonna happen.

Oh, you dirty son
of a bitch!

Thank you.

Oh, boy.

Anyway, it took me two weeks
to butter her up again.

Amy: Oh, wow,
there you have it.

Hmm.
Mmm.

Um...

guess what?
We're out of time.

I'd like to thank my guests,
my three businessmen --

Mr. Olgilvey, Mr. Handley,
and Mr. Stieger.

Please, Mr. Olgilvey was my
father's name.

You can call me Daddy.

Oh.
What about dessert?

No, we really
are out of time.

Oh, we'll make it quick.

Put a little powdered sugar
on that rump of yours,

we'll all have sweet buns.

Oh...
Oh, you dirty son of a bitch!

Thank you.
We'll be right back.

Welcome back.

Well, guess who's allergic
to shellfish?

I'm gonna let you in
on a great entertainer's tip.

After every affair,
record all the hits

and misses of the evening

in your party log --

you know, what went well,
what didn't --

so the next time, you don't
make the same mistake.

Let's see.

"Hits -- businessmen love meat.

Misses -- businessmen
aren't big on small talk,

hush puppies were a little dry,

and never garnish with shrimp
or shellfish when allergic."

That's odd.

I don't even remember coming
in contact with shellfish.

Hmm.

[ Harp music plays ]

Hmm.

What else?

Well, overall, I would say
the party was a success.

Oh, yeah, scented candles
for the bathroom --

a must.

See you next time, when we
take a closer look at eggs.

Eggs sometimes get a bad rap.

But you know what I say?

Give them a break.

Good night.

All right, there, sweet cheeks,
start your engines.

You dirty son of a bitch.

Thank you.

[ Laughs ]

[ Giggling ]

Oh!