All language subtitles for At.Home.With.Amy.Sedaris.S01E01_English

It's been said
one is the loneliest number.

I've said it, and then
I've agreed with myself.

But you know what
I've come to realize?

Being alone is some of the best
time I've ever spent with me.

And I've learned,
anything a couple can do

is twice as much fun
when you do it alone.

"Cooking for One" -- tonight

on a very special
"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

**

**

Hello.
I'm Amy Sedaris,

and welcome to my hit show,
"At Home with Amy Sedaris."

Anybody who knows me knows
I never wear fitted jeans,

I was a Girl Scout
for way too long,

and I'm involved heavily
in the House Rabbit Society.

But they also know
I love to entertain.

And what does entertaining mean?

I believe it's the giving
of myself, to you,

from me, for us.

And when it comes
to hospitality,

I've settled on a certain way
of doing things.

It might not be
the most proper way

or the most traditional

or even the most legal,

but it works for me,

and now it can work for you.

Now, if there's
one thing I've learned,

you can't entertain
without guests.

And when it comes to guests,
I'm my favorite.

I like the sound of my voice,
I dress appropriately,

and I always show up with
something in my hand.

That's why tonight,
I'm cooking for one.

And I'm not alone
at being alone,

because so many of you people
out there dine solo --

or, as the French say...

..."al fresco."

[ Beep, beep ]

I think it's good
for a person to be alone.

It gives them an opportunity
to discover who they are

and figure out why
they're always alone.

People are alone
for many reasons --

they've lost a loved one,
are going through a breakup,

fell down a well,

or, if they're like me,
are alone by choice.

I've come to learn I don't need

to fill up every moment
of my day

with companionship
or warm human interaction.

[ Scoffs ]

I don't need to be
gently caressed

while he whispers those sweet,
tender words in my ear.

[ Whispers ] "I love you, Amy,
and you'll never be alone."

[ Normal voice ] Well,
I am alone, and he's a liar.

But you know what?
"Being alone is A-OK."

Tonight, we'll plan, prepare,
and serve a meal for one.

First, let's find out
what's on the menu,

or, as I like to say, the me-nu.

[ Bell dings ]

We'll be making
steak au poivre for one,

half-baked potato,
and a single side salad.

Baking a potato
seems relatively simple,

but should you wrap it in foil?

Rub it with lard?

I prefer placing it
on a hot rack,

right after stabbing it
with a fork repeatedly,

like you might a hairdresser
who cut your bangs too short.

Now, what you're gonna do

is you're gonna
turn the temperature on 400.

But first, let's get
this meatloaf out of the way.

[ Sniffs ] Mmm. Just as raw
as when I put it in.

Place your potato right
in the middle of the rack.

Set your timer
for 60 minutes,

[ Ticking ]
or 10 minutes per ounce potato.

You know, it's funny.

One of my favorite kitchen tools
is the timer.

It's as crucial to a chef
as a hammer is to a carpenter

or a prosthetic arm is
to a lion tamer.

A timer focuses on the time

so you can focus
on more important things,

like, "Where is that maddening
ticking coming from?"

You know,
cooking for yourself

is not the only way to spoil
the hot lady in the mirror.

While we wait for our potato,

I'm gonna give you a glimpse
into how I start my mornings.

And you will see
that just because you're alone,

it doesn't mean
you can't be pampered.

Roll it, Smokey!

**

**

When I step out of the shower,

I have a little routine
that helps me swing into action

so I'm ready to face
the challenges of the day.

I give myself a mini-massage

using the balls of my fingers
and the tips of my hands.

I start with a papaya emollient
coupled with a ginseng balm,

focusing on all
my nooks and crannies,

and digging deep
into the many crevices.

By doing this massage every day,

I'm staying in touch
with my body

and learning all sorts
of new things about myself.

Such as "When did that happen?",
"Why is that there?",

and "Where was I?"

To me, this stretch is
so delightfully satisfying.

I call it land stroking.

Tugging and towing the body

is a perfect remedy to
this long haul we call life.

As you breathe in,

drive your tailbone
deep into the floorboards.

Now release your breath,

pinching your stomach inward
toward your spine,

arching, always arching.

Now anchor your hips
off the floor,

rotating the pelvic bone
counterclockwise

and rolling down,

giving special attention
to your pubis.

Sway the hips like the pendulum
in a grandfather clock.

Mmm. Feel all that tension
just evaporate away.

[ Sighs ]

After your earlier shower
and light workout,

another great time-killer
is taking a bath.

Sometimes, I'll soak in the tub
for hours --

or until the mailman comes.

It's simple
to make a bath special.

Add a few thirsty towels,

fragrant salts and scented oils
are a nice touch,

or a simple sachet

made from stuffing oatmeal
into a knee-high stocking

and cinching it off
at the top.

If you're feeling peckish,
add brown sugar to taste

and top it off
with dried cranberries.

Mmm. Decadence.

**

[ Inhales deeply ]

In the past,
experts believed

that a person
lost interest in sex

when they no longer
had a partner.

But now we know
that just isn't true.

If you can accept

the unavoidable physical changes
of being alone,

like hunch face
or old maid's knees,

I believe you can
keep romance in your life.

Here's how I do it.

I make sure to maintain
a certain amount of mystery.

I like to surprise myself
by really pushing the envelope,

and I'm often startled

by my sheer disregard
for social norms,

but tomorrow,

I'll forgive myself
and do it all over again.

**

**

I hope you've enjoyed
my journey

of self-discovery
and solo awareness.

You know, I find the best part
of steak au poivre

is the poivre.

And here to teach us
how to make it

is a real-live chef --
Panos Sakas,

the owner and operator
of Pete's Diner!

[ Laughs ]
Welcome to my show.

Or should I say,
ti kanis?

[ Greek accent ]
Glad to be here. More coffee?

I'm not even
holding a cup.

Oh, sorry.
Force of habit.
Oh.

Now, Panos, is au poivre
traditional to the Greeks,

like paella is
to the Spaniards?

No, but we like to
dip our wick

in a lot of
different cuisines.

My menu has 19 pages...

Oh, my goodness.
...not including specials.

In the diner business,
you need to hedge your bets.

[ Laughs ]

By the way,
we also do paella.

Oh.

I have a diner question.

I get asked this a lot
in my viewer mail.

Is it true that diner mints
are coated in urine

and there's human feces
on the bar fruit?

Eh...it's a diner.

If we throw out every item
of food with feces on it,

all we'd have left is feces.

Fair enough.

Okay, I say,
let's make steak au poivre!

Okay, I have my steak
marinating right here.

Never marinate a steak
before you au poivre!

Oh, well, let's solve that
problem right now, shall we?

[ Chuckles ]

[ Disposal whirring ]

Panos, why don't you take us
through the ingredients now?

A dash of salt,

1/4 cup of whole...
[ Whispers ]...black...

[ Normal voice ]
...peppercorns.

Which eventually
will be crushed with a hammer.

You don't have
a pepper grinder?

No, I do. It's just
holding up a shelf.

A tablespoon
of vegetable oil,

1/2 cup of
finely cut shallots.
Mmm.

1/2 stick of butter,

3/4 cup of heavy cream,

and 1 cup of brandy.

Okay, two questions.
Second one first.

I think
we can safely assume

that many of my audience
are recovering alcoholics.

Will a brandy reduction
break their sobriety?

No. The alcohol burns off
at high heat.

I wouldn't worry about it.
I wasn't worried about it.

I was simply asking for
the benefit of my audience.

Now it's clear they can consume
all the alcohol they want

and get behind
the wheel of a car,

as long as the booze
has been cooked.

So I don't need
any panicky phone calls

from nosy sponsors.

[ Telephone ringing ]

[ Indistinct yelling
on telephone ]

Okay, now,
for my first question.

How many does
your recipe serve?

Two.

Oh, well, tonight,
we're cooking for one,

so we're gonna have to
halve your recipe.

So, let me see.

Okay, you said
1/4 cup of peppercorns.

We're gonna
make that 2, right?

Half a stick of that.

Divide that by 4.

Can you halve a dash?

I shrug.

Hmm. Okay, well,
the butter should be easy.

It's half a stick.

I keep butter in a tub,

so I could shape that
into a stick and quarter it,

or I could halve the number
and convert it to tub.

This is ridiculous.

Why don't I run
these calculations

by my show accountant?

He's a wizard
with numbers.

Barry? Can you do
half a stick of butter

from a tub conversion?

[ Chittering ]

Oh, great. I'll see you
at the company picnic.

Okay. Half a stick
equals 1/4 tub.

This is gonna be
the perfect topper

for my meal for one.

One?

I can't believe
an attractive woman

who smells of hours of bath

doesn't have a special someone
to make meals for.

Nope.
I'm happily alone.

Ah.

Eh, instead of
halving the recipe,

going through all that trouble,
why don't I hang out

and you can...
cook au poivre for two?

I'm taken aback.

That sounds like fun.

Great. Swell.
Why don't I go freshen up,

and by that, I mean
give the old sack a spritz,

and I'll come back
when the soup's on.

[ Laughs ]

Panos Sakas, everybody.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm in looooooooo...

...ooooooooooove!

[ Sighs, gulps ]

Welcome back.

If you're just joining me,

the theme of tonight's show
is "Cooking for One" --

or, rather, was.

I'd like to say
to all the single losers

out there watching this show,

I have someone special
in my life now,

and it feels terrific.

So if you're cooking for one,
you're on your own.

I'm tossing out the old menu
because it felt lonely

and creating a fresh menu
based on my new theme.

**

[ Chuckles ]

Because my special guest
is Greek,

I'll be making spanakopita,

which turns out to be
one of my specialties.

Spanakopita,
or Greek spinach pie,

is a dish I've made
hundreds of times.

I could make it blindfolded.

And to prove it,
I'll make it blindfolded.

[ Giggles ]

[ Humming ]

Okay, attach my blindfold.

Okay.

**

**

What I meant to say is,

I've made spanakopita
so many times,

I can do it with one hand
tied behind my back.

Anyway, I have a bowl of spinach
thawing in the refrigerator.

[ Glass crunching ]

Here we go. Mmm!

I love the smell
of fresh spinach.

[ Chuckles ]

Okay, our first step is
to drain the spinach.

Now, unfortunately, my colander
is out of commission

because I cut a piece out
to patch my screen door.

Boy, it sure will be nice to
have a man around the house.

But not to worry,
because we'll just improvise.

Now, um, this stool
will make a great strainer.

I'll show you how.

Uh, Puja!

Here we go.

This is Puja,
my show assistant.

Help me turn
this stool over.

Let me get this
out of your way.

Okay. Counter.

Fantastic. Okay.
There you go.

Now we're going to attach
a cheesecloth to the legs.

Puja, will you
grab a cheesecloth

from the drawer, please?

Okay.

Now, aren't these
just adorable, guys?

These are chair socks
that I got

on a solo overseas trip
to Tokyo.

They protect the ends of
the legs and keep them toasty.

So we're gonna attach
the cheesecloth to the legs

using rubber bands.

All right, so, did you see
the first segment of the show?

What'd you think
of Panos Sakas?

And did you hear
he's staying for dinner?

Oh, do you mean
that old bald guy?

[ Sighs ]

You know, I don't know why
I confide in you.

I hired you
for your Old World charm,

and frankly, right now,
I'm finding that very tiresome.

And there you have it --
the perfect stool strainer.

Thank you, Puja. Now,
why don't you just clock out,

but don't leave.

Now what we're gonna do is

you're gonna add a bowl
underneath the cheesecloth,

dump your spinach.

There you go.

And then the water
will drain into the bowl.

Now, what I normally
like to do

is place this in
my refrigerator overnight.

Easy breezy.
There you have it.

When we return, an old friend
will be out here

to help me
finish my spanakopita

for my very special
dinner date.

In just a moment,
an old friend of the show,

Chassie Tucker, a pastry chef,

will be out here
to help me butter my sheets.

To do this, we are
going to use a simple brush

that you can find
at any hardware store.

Please welcome
Chassie Tucker.

[ Bell jingles ]
Ding dong!

[ Laughing ] Hi.

Welcome to my show.

Oh, I'm thrilled
to be here.

Hey, you're glowing.

I want
whatever you've taken,

in addition to whatever
I've already taken.

Well, I'm in love.

What do you mean?

I'll show you.

**

**

[ Creaking ]

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Chuckles ]

Well, now I get it.

I'm very happy
for you.

[ Breathing heavily ]
Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

So, what we're
going to be doing is

we're going to be
laying out the phyllo

and buttering
each individual layer.

Now, I just want
to start off by saying

that a lot of people
are intimidated by phyllo,

and if this
is the case for you,

I think you should pick up
a copy of my latest book,

"Me Talk Phyllo One Day."

It's a great
summer read.

Oh, thank you,
Chassie.

Why don't you tell the audience
how we met.

Oh, well, uh, I used to
own a pastry shop

that was dangerously close
to the river,

and you were catering
a luncheon.

A seminar for
the House Rabbit Society.

That's right,
and your oven broke,

and you came in
desperate for 40 profiteroles.

And you were wearing half a bra
and had blood on your shoes.

[ Laughs ]

Funny enough, it wasn't
my blood or my bra.

Oh. [ Laughs ]

Okay, the thing about phyllo is
that you want to keep it moist,

so you can keep
applying moisture to it

between
two cotton towels.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, and if it tears,
it's okay,

'cause you can just throw it in,
piece it together.

There you go.
I think I lost my brush.

Now, I add a little bit
of olive oil to my butter

to make the crust
extra-flaky.

Okay. All righty.

You can also use poultry shears
to cut down the phyllo

to match your pan,
but I like the overlay.

It gives it
a nice little edge.

Now, um, Smokey, I hope you're
getting a good shot of this,

'cause we're really
laying it on thick.

Beautiful. Perfect.

I would like to thank
my friend Chassie Tucker

for stopping by.

I'm happy to do it.

Ta-ta.
Bye-bye.

[ Bell jingles ]

[ Laughs ]

Before I head over
to my craft room,

I always like to have
a quick check-in

with our regional wine expert,
Ronnie.

Yoo-hoo!

Regional wine lady,
thanks for joining us!

Happy to do it.

Boy, your face looks
like a mid-priced rosé!

I met someone.

What's he do for money?

He operates a diner.

Ah. So, he's Greek.

Mm.

Mm-hmm. Greek.

You know, they're not known
for their wines.

I'd steer clear.

I'd serve ouzo
on the rocks.

Now, it's gonna get cloudy,
but don't panic,

it's just the anise oil.

I'd serve it
with three Kalamata olives.

But if you're drinking
on an empty stomach,

I'd add
a sprig of souvlaki.

Perfect.

Speaking of Greece,
I'll be in Delphi

for the
Hellenistic Wine Fest.

You know
what the Oracle predicts?

I'll be loaded!

* It's Friday night

* I'm gonna get drunk

* I'm gonna get laid

* I'm gonna be late
on Monday *

Toodle-oos.

**

Oh, hello.

I was just attaching
these googly eyes

to this peanut shell.

[ Chuckles ]

You know,
it's often been said

that ugly people craft
and attractive people have sex.

I'm not going to waste my time
dispelling that ridiculous fact.

But you know something?

I say regardless
of how you look,

there is no denying
the joy of crafting.

This is Crafting Corner.

* Beads and things
and glitter and strings *

* Glue and sew
and buttons and bows *

Tonight -- placemats.

Placemats can pep up any table,

as well as
protect most surfaces.

Placemats with food images are
good for illiterate people

because it allows them to simply
point to the food they want.

Of course, it gets confusing

if they're asking
for another placemat.

Today, we'll be making
Greek placemats.

Greek placemats will be
the perfect complement

to my Greek-sandal centerpiece.

We will need two items --

heavy-duty packing tape,

Greek coins
known as the drachma.

You remember
my assistant -- Puja.

Thank you, Puja.

Okay, first of all,
we're gonna roll out

a foot and a half of tape,
sticky side up.

Puja, tape, please?

Okay, now, we're gonna do...

I love packing tape --
crafting with packing tape.

It's one of my favorite mediums
to work in.

Okay, let's see.

Let's adjust it.

Okay, we're gonna lay this out,
sticky side up.

Okay.

So, Puja, could you fix that,
please?
Yeah.

That'd be terrific.

Okay.

You can go to any packing store
to get this tape.

Okay, now, you're gonna lay,
again, the sticky side up,

right on the edge
of the first piece,

to create
what we call a seam.

Okay.

Would you...

Okay.
See what we're doing?

Actually, I don't know
if you can get this, Smokey.

[ Tape ripping ]

'Cause we're actually
laying out --

Okay, we'll just fix that.
It's easy.

The beauty about tape is that
you can just go over it,

[ Tape ripping ]
especially the clear tape.

If you could not make that noise
while I'm talking,

that would be terrific.

Okay. Okay. All right.

Thank you.

All right.
And, again, the seams.

Now what you're gonna do

is you're gonna
place the Greek coin,

known as the drachma,
like so.

You can do any kind
of random design you want.

Do you want to help me with this
or is this your break?

[ Chuckles ]
Goodness gracious.

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

There you have it.

All right, now you're gonna
line it with more tape on --

Please -- on top.

Terrific.

Okay.

Like this. You see
what we're doing here?

Okay. No, you're doing
a great job.

It's a 24 1/2-minute show.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

Why don't we just --
This is enough, okay?

Um, but anyway,
it might be helpful

to find someone who knows
how to use tape, right?

That's a real time-killer
right there.

And here's a finished product.

You know, Puja, why don't you
take this and study it.

You're single. You should have
plenty of time.

Okay.
All right?

**

When we return,
a romantic dinner for two.

[ Mid-tempo Greek music plays ]

Welcome back.

While I wait for my guest to
arrive, I'll describe my table.

At one end sits
a tray of spanakopita.

On the other end, dotting
the table like the Greek Isles

are an assortment
of flavorful Grecian cheeses.

We have a Greek salad,

and, of course, the lovely
placemats that we made earlier.

And in the center of the table,
to tie it all together,

a mound of white sand topped off
with a size-5 Greek sandal

and a string
of wooden worry beads.

Perfect.

I've already
made the plates.

Hercules here is strumming

what I best describe
as a stringed gourd,

but he calls it a bouzouki.

For dessert,
an assortment of Greek cookies

waiting to be consumed.

They are from
my favorite local bakery,

The Yeast Confection.

Okay. Dinner is ready.

Any word from my guest?
Hmm?

Okay. That's all right.

How about some fun facts
about Greece?

For punishment
in many ancient Greek schools,

they would make disruptive
students kneel on rocks.

Many Greeks
aren't circumcised.

[ Sighs ] Well...

that's what I know
about Greece.

[ Music continues ]

Still no word from -- No?

[ Music continues ]

He's not coming.
Oh, he's coming.

We made a connection.

I think he made
another connection.

What?!

[ Mid-tempo saxophone music
plays ]

[ Greek music continues ]
I can't believe it! He was
all over me in that segment!

Would you please stop playing
that bouzouki?! It's tedious!

[ Music stops ]
I'm just gonna strike
these plates right now.

Just give me the --
give me the ouzo.

Give it to me.
Give it to me.

This is ridiculous.
[ Sighs ]

Went through
all this trouble...

[ Sighs ]

**

**

At the end of every show,
I like to write in my Party Log,

which details
all the hits and misses.

We've been on quite an emotional
roller coaster ride,

and we've learned a few things
along the way.

Hits -- ouzo kills feelings.

Misses -- bouzouki,
never marinate a steak,

and never trust
a lady saxophone player.

They tend to be heroin addicts,
and they will steal your man.

You know, I was gonna end
my romantic Greek dinner

by performing a special
Greek dance for my guest.

But now I'm gonna perform
a special Greek dance

for someone
I really care about --

me.

And by the way,
the theme of tonight's show?

"Dancing for One."

Good night.

[ Upbeat Greek music plays ]

**

**