All language subtitles for The.Replacements.S01E16_English

[theme song plays]

♪ Todd and Riley were, oh, so sad ♪

♪ Then they came 'cross a Fleemco ad ♪

♪ They sent away a $1.98 ♪

♪ Got a superspy mom ♪

♪ And a daredevil dude of a dad ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ The replacements ♪

♪ Now anytime they come across adults ♪

♪ Who are sly and deny and deprive them ♪

♪ And make things bad ♪

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem]
Hello, Fleemco.

Sir, we need a replacement.

And fast.

♪ And anytime they wanna make a change ♪

♪ Modify and rearrange ♪

♪ Though it might get kinda strange ♪

♪ Make 'em better, nice
And strong and fast ♪

♪ And smart and cool and maybe even lame ♪

♪ Call in the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

♪ Just get the replacements ♪

♪ Replacements ♪

♪ Get the replacements ♪

[organ playing]

Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded,

three and two count,
and it's all up to Riley.

[grunts]
The suspense is gnawing at me!

No, wait.
It's a raccoon.

[grunts]

No, wait. It was the suspense.
I can't stand it!

-[sobbing]
-I can't stand you.

You know, from this angle
you're kinda cute.

-Huh?
-Boys are so easy.

[crowd cheering]

Way to go, Riles.

I never thought I'd say this to a pitcher,
but, uh, you wanna go out Saturday night?

You mean to celebrate our team win?

Oh, well, kind of.
I was actually thinking more as a date.

A date?!

[cheering]

Riley, speak to me.

It's like she's been frozen solid.
Someone do something!

There's only one possible explanation.
Riley has been hit by a medusa ray.

It was probably meant for me.
It'll take years of research,

but don't worry, dear,
we will find a cure!

[coughing]

[gasps]
Johnny asked me out on a date!

All right, there were
two possible explanations.

Oh, my gosh!
I can't believe it.

My first date ever!
And with Johnny Hitswell!

This is the single most important thing
that's ever happened to me.

I need the perfect dress,
the perfect shoes,

the perfect pre-rehearsed dinner
conversation items, the perfect...

[yells]

[Dick]
She's unfrozen, son.

I know.

Riley, dear, don't worry.
We're here to help, all of us.

So, young Hitswell,
if that is your real name,

what are your intentions
towards my daughter?

Hey, Johnny, hold this.

[growls]

[yells]

Good raccoon!
Good raccoon!

Get away from my face!
My beautiful face!

I'll save him.

No!

No!

All right, dear.
We can take a hint.

If you don't want our help,
we won't give it to you.

No. No. No.

-Mom!
-Hello, dear.

Now, I know you don't want
everyone else's help,

but I'm your mother.

So, on a first date you need to be
prepared for every contingency.

Use this if your date gets too fresh.

[grunts]

Oh, honey, this reminds me
of our first date.

Now, Riley, sweetie.
I know you don't want our advice.

-I really don't want your advice.
-But let me give you some advice.

Your first date is like driving
a rocket sled across Death Valley.

You never know what to expect.

I would have expected intense heat
and blinding sun light.

OK, well, maybe you would have known
what to expect,

but what about, uh, the scorpions!

-There were scorpions?
-Maybe!

Beware the scorpions on your date, Riley.

Beware! Bewa... Ohh!
Be... Ohh!

Thanks, little br...
[yells]

Yep, that one was just for me.

[groans] Everyone's trying
to tell me what to do about this date.

Oh, how annoying.

Now, say it again
with your head held high,

and this time enunciate like a lady.

OK, that's it!
I've had enough!

No, dear.
It's "I have had enough!"

Contractions are for
dullards and stuntmen.

Temper, temper.

OK, maybe I wasn't clear.

This is my first date
and I can handle it myself.

Johnny and I are going
to Le Petit Frommage,

just the two of us, and we're gonna have
a great time without your help.

Period. End of sentence.
No debate. No discussion.

Oh, but, Mom, I really need
to borrow your little black purse.

Le Petit Frommage?
What an excellent choice.

No, it isn't.
They'll ruin Riley's night.

I was there once and they were horribly,
terribly rude to me.

I'm sorry, you'll have to leave.
Now!

But the sign only says
jacket and tie required.

[man whistles]

Todd, I want you
to call Fleemco immediately

and replace that rude staff with
the best restaurant staff in the world.

Help Riley?
You can't make me do that.

No, dear, we can't.
But we can ground you until you're 18.

[groans]

[phone beeping]

[phone ringing]

[Mr. Fleem]
Hello, Fleemco.

I need you to replace the wait staff
at Le Petit Frommage

with the best restaurant staff
in the world by tomorrow night."

[Mr. Fleem]
Oh, that'll be tough!

The best waiters in the world
are from France.

Of course getting rid
of the American waiters will be easy.

Is there an actor in the house?

-[all] Me! Me! Me! Me!
-What's the part?

You're all gonna play waiters
in Fleemount Studios latest release,

Buffet the Waiter Slayer.

This is the break
we've been waiting for.

Hooray for Hollywood.

Take that industry cynic.

Take that Dad.

We want you to come to America
to serve French cuisine.

[man, French accent]
You want us to give up all of this

to go to the land of monster trucks,
waterslides, and microwave popcorn?

Can we also see the fashion couture
of the so-called outlet malls?

-Sure.
-Oui. Let's go.

-To the Fleemco!
-To the Conrad.

[laughing]

[brays]

[laughs]
Hi, Johnny.

Riley. Wow, you look awesome.

Uh, these are for you.

[gulps]

[burps]

[laughs]

Um, let's just go. The sooner
we get away from my family, the better.

Uh, have a nice time, kids.

Well, at least the evening
can't get any worse for her.

[cell phone rings]

Hey, Conrad.

Whoa. Tough luck for Riley, eh?

Conrad says the wait staff
he sent from Paris never showed up.

[gasps]
But how can that be?

What do you mean we
can't bring our snails?

You deny snails, you deny France!

We French waiters
are not accustomed to this rudeness.

We go!

Oh, man!

I wish I could be there
when Riley gets to the restaurant.

Todd, that's a splendid idea.
We'll be the wait staff.

This date cannot fail.

It's time to commence
Operation: Live and Let Eat.

♪ Live and let eat ♪

-Oh, I'm in.
-Me, too.

Well, I figure either we save the day
or I get to watch her explode

when all this goes horribly,
horribly wrong.

It's a win-win.

We'll need disguises.

-[buzzer]
-Oh, drat.

All my French waiter disguises
are at the cleaners.

[sighs]
We'll have to improvise.

[Riley giggling]

Finally. Now that we're
away from my family,

I bet this will be
the most perfect date ever.

You know, this date
doesn't have to be perfect.

-The important thing is that we--
-Bonjour!

Welcome to Le Petit Frommage.

Uh, why are you wearing a sombrero?

Uh, uh, well...

it's Mexican night mon ami... gos.

-Cool.
-Do I know you?

-Table for two for Hitswell.
-Hitswell. Hitswell.

Oh, yes.
We have a special table ready for you.

Right this way monsieur and señorita.

Would you like to see the soda list?

We have an excellent
'84 Cherry Vanilla Cola.

Ew. We want soda from this year.

Ah, the gentleman is a connoisseur.

Of course.
I'll call your waiter.

There's something weird
about that maître d'.

Yeah. Who wants to drink a soda from 1984?
A caveman?

Bonjourno.
I am Monsieur Diego.

-Dad?
-No. Diego.

Your dad doesn't have this cool mustache.

Your menus.

Would you like some appetizers,
young, unknown couple?

-They're compliments of the chef.
-Sure.

Something strange is going on here.
That waiter sure looked like my dad.

Yeah, and is it just me
or does the cook look like

all-star third baseman Fernando Gomez?

Wait a minute. Mom?

This is her cooking?

Don't eat that!

-[clanking]
-Whoa, whoa.

Riley, I'm not gonna spoil my dinner.

No, it's not that. It's...

[Todd]
And now, for the first time ever,

Le Petit Frommage is proud to present
the romantic serenading

or Señor Auto,
the 8-cylinder one car band.

-[honking]
-Hey, isn't that your car?

Uh, that could be anyone's singing car.

Thank you. Thank you.

I'd like to dedicate my first song

to any girls out there
on their first date.

Anyone?
Anyone at all?

OK, that's it! We're leaving.

But I've never seen a singing car before.

Whoa!

Ohh!

[Dick] Look out below!

My apologies, señor monsieur--

Enough! Just stop!

Let's get out of here, Johnny.

Aw, we just wanted to help.

-We know you wanted it to be perfect.
-I did. Past tense.

-I'm sorry they ruined our date.
-Aw, they didn't ruin anything.

I think it's pretty cool
that you have a family

that would step up for you like that.

Cool?
Uh, you're covered in guacamole.

Yeah, but interfering is what parents do.

Heck, my folks are right over there.

The point is,
all the details don't matter.

We could have been in
a burger joint for all I care.

The important thing
is that we're out together.

Really?
Oh, Johnny.

You're right.

A happy ending.
Marvelous!

I do so love dinner theater.

I'm sorry I freaked out
about my family and everything.

I hope it wasn't too weird.

Actually, I...

I thought tonight went perfectly.

[giggles]
Oh, you're just saying that.

Yeah. But I did have fun.

And an allergic reaction
to your mom's food.

[chuckles]
I had fun, too.

Well, I guess I, uh, better get going.

Eh.

Hmm. Maybe someone should
go out there and check on her.

Ooh... How is she?

Hmm. Something tells me
she's gonna be fine.

Todd, get the hose!

All right.
Corn dog. Check.

Chocolate milk helmet.
[slurping]

Double check.

[brays]

Three uninterrupted hours
of Wrestleocity XXXVIII. Triple check!

And what a shocking twist,
ladies and gentleman.

Lady Lady and the
Canadian K-nucklehead

are about to be wed
right here in the ring!

But, oh, no, looks who's decided
to crash the wedding!

It's her old flame,
the commander in brief,

the president of pain, Abraslam Lincoln.

[growls]

Four score and seven years ago,
our forefathers

told me how to bring the pain!

[announcer]
This is it, folks.

The greatest move
in sports entertainment history,

the executive power...

[static]

[yells]
What happened?

Sorry, Todd.

I'm watching
The Magnificent Princess tonight.

It's from three of the seven writers
of The Majestic Horse.

What? I was here first!
You can't do that.

Of course I can. I'm the oldest,
so I'm in charge.

Don't worry. Some day when you're older,
you'll be able to watch whatever you want.

No, I won't.
You'll always be older.

Oh, yeah.
That's right. [laughs]

Hey, where'd you get that cake?

I bought it with my hard-earned allowance.

Too bad you already spent your allowance

on that commemorative
Monkey Cop brand coffee mug.

Why did I do that?
I don't even drink coffee.

Whatever. You can't just waltz around here

eating your cake
and making me watch your dumb movies.

Who do you think you are,
queen of the house?

Riley! While we're gone,
you're queen of the house.

And queen of the cake.

[giggles]
Mmm.

[snoring]

Patience, Todd. Soon she'll fall asleep
and get what's coming to her,

a syrup-filled water balloon!

Todd, I can hear you.
I'm sitting right here.

What, I didn't say anything?

Yes! Revenge will be yours, Todd.

Just wait till this boring movie
puts her to sleep.

And the...
[snoring]

Mother, can we go back to the castle now?

It smells like commoners out here.

No, dear.
The royal parade is tradition

before a princess is crowned queen.

It's just too bad your long lost brother
isn't here to be part of this.

I wonder whatever happened to him.

-You traded him for a leg of mutton.
-Oh, yeah.

[horse whinnies]

Mmm, that's good mutton.

[Todd] Hey, Jacobo.

Do you ever look at our family
and get the feeling you just don't fit in?

No hablo ingles.

Oh, I hear you, brother.

I think I'll just go
check on my corn dog crop.

Oh, no!
The royal parade.

Oh, man, I hate that
stinkin' Princess Riley.

She thinks she's so princess...

-[horse whinnies]
-...ly.

Oh!
My corn dog plants!

[sobbing]

Wait!
It's a single remaining corn dog stalk,

which we can use
to replant next year's crop.

[thud]

Hear ye, hear ye, doofus.

I'm here to collect taxes for
Princess Riley's upcoming coronation.

But I'm just a peasant,
and I don't have any money.

Lucky for thou, we also accept corn dogs
as payment, Sir Lose a Lot.

[chuckles]
Sir Lose a Lot.

Good one, Buzz.

All right, that's it.

This will not go unavenged!

I'm gonna march down to that castle
and tell off that stuck up princess.

And then maybe I'll catch
a late puppet show,

but that's beside the point.
First, I tell off the princess!

[Shelton] Your Highness, the materials
for your coronation gown

were imported from faraway lands,

with the exploring and the fighting
and the horrible tariffs.

I spent ten years
toiling over its every detail.

But now it is finally befitting
of a princess such as yourself.

Oh, no.
Someone spilled cake on it.

-Captain of the guard!
-Yes, milady.

Burn the gown and banish him.

Banished!

Banishings bore me.

Bring out my jester.

Oh, yes, Cutty. Do entertain us.

Princess Riley, have you ever noticed

that commoners
ride their horses like this...

[all laughing]

While the noblemen
ride their horses like this?

[laughing continues]

Yes. That's precisely how I ride my horse.

Good show, Jester Cutty.

[door opens]

Hey, princess, you stink!

And your parade stinks.

And it ruined my corn dog crop.

And I'm gonna stand here and take it

while you sit on your throne,
eating your fancy cake.

By the way, can I have some
of your fancy cake?

[all gasp]

Cutty, is this part of my act?

Has thou become one of those
alternative jesters?

No, your majesty.
Uh, unless you want it to be.

♪ A commoner, commoner
Smells like rotten eggs ♪

♪ Commoner, commoner
Probably has the plague ♪

-Banish them.
-[Buzz] Banished!

Thanks for ruining my palace gig,
you unwashed heathen.

I'm sorry.

Not you.
I mean, the other unwashed heathen.

You ever heard of a washcloth, commoner?

No, they haven't been invented yet.

And for your information, that's not dirt.
It's a birthmark.

Excuse me, but what are we gonna do

about the banishing
with the throwing and the splashing

and the not having any place to go?

I don't know about you,
but I'm gonna get revenge.

Getting even never accomplishes anything.

Don't judge me.

Revenge!

And how exactly are
you going to get revenge?

[Todd] "Fleemlin the Magician."

Maybe this guy can help.

[ringing]

[Mr. Fleem]
Hello, Fleemlin.

Oh, great Fleemlin.

We need a champion powerful enough
to stand up to evil Princess Riley.

[Mr. Fleem]
I might be able to do-eth that.

There you go.

Whoever drinks this potion
will instantly be replaced

by a monstrous version of himself,
strong enough to defeat Princess Riley.

[sniffs]

Don't look at me.

-I've got a gig in Camelot tonight.
-I'm potion intolerant.

Well, then.
There's only one thing to do.

[gulping]

-[brays]
-Awesome!

Come on, boy.
We have a party to crash.

[Agent K] We are here to bestow upon
our magnificent princess

the title of queen.

Because as you all know,
the king and I are retiring

to our castle in Pleasantshire

so the king may pursue
his latest hobby: stunting.

Here ye! Here ye!
To honor this momentous occasion,

I have built a device
that will shoot me into the heavens

so I can bring down a rainbow

for the coronation
of my one and only daughter.

Look out beloweth!

[grunting]

[crowd laughing]

[Dick groans]
This dirt tastes like dirt.

Mother, can we get on with this thing?

I want to command the peasants
to finish work on Mount Rileymore.

Very well.
Maid Abigail, the crown.

[trumpets blowing]

Let me try it on first
to make sure it's not cursed.

Give me that.
You're going to stretch it out.

[all gasping]

Finally, tangible proof
that I'm better than all of you.

[all murmuring]

And now let us enjoy
the ceremonial cake of--

[Todd] Revenge!

[all gasp]

[grunts]

[all screaming]

[shuddering]

[Agent K] To my horseless carriage!

It's called democracy.
I tell you, it's the next big thing.

[neighs]

[laughs]
Brilliant observation, my friend.

I say, it's nice to have
an intelligent conversation for once.

Carcelot, make fast. Go now!

Don't worry, princess.
I have an idea.

Hyah! Go! Hyah!

Over here!

To the castle,
my wonderfully clumsy dragon.

[brays]

You'll never take my freedom!

Viva la revolucion!

Let me eat cake!

Mmm.

Ah, your coronation is ruined.
Your castle is in pieces.

Mmm. And your cake is delicious.
My revenge is complete.

I can't believe this!

My empire of selfishness
has come crashing down around me.

Oh! Woe is--

Hey, what's that thing on your arm?

It's a birthmark.
What's it to you?

I have the same birthmark.
Look.

[gasps] You must be
my long lost brother, Prince Todd.

-Prince?
-Exactly.

And as the king's only son,

that means you're the heir
to this entire kingdom, not me.

Well, the parts you didn't destroy anyway.

Good luck, your majesty.

Oh, I got so caught up
in getting my revenge

that I just wound up hurting myself.

Oh, well.
Your problem now, eh, Todd?

Eh, Todd. Todd. Todd!

Todd! Todd! Todd, wake up.

You fell asleep during the movie.

Wow. I had the strangest dream.

And you were there.
And you were there.

And so was he.

Ooh, these are worth
ten cents in Michigan!

Todd, I realized something
while I was watching my movie.

They totally recycled the plot
of The Majestic Horse.

I'll tell you what.
You can either throw

that water balloon at me
and get your revenge,

or tomorrow night
I'll use the rest of my allowance

to rent you the complete
Wrestleocity DVD set.

You know what?
My dream taught me a lesson, too.

Luckily, it was just a dream.

No! Not the TV!
Oh, what cruel irony.

Come on, Todd.

I'll cut you a slice of cake
and we'll call it even.

OK.

-[Todd and Riley scream]
-[burps]

[both] Banish him!

[announcer] The Fleemco Company presents:
Principal Cutler on frugality.

Frugality means not being wasteful
with your money.

In the world of animation
one way to save money

is to cut down on unnecessary action.

Even something as small as moving lips
can cost a lot of money.

Another way to save money
is to reuse old footage

whether it fits or not.

Right, Dick Daring?

Now, wasn't that affordably entertaining?

Well, the 20 seconds Fleemco
paid me for are up. See you later.

[announcer] This has been
Principal Cutler on frugality.