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All language subtitles for The.Joke.Thief.2018.1080p.WEBRip.x264-RARBG2_English

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,610 --> 00:00:03,003 [jazz music] 2 00:00:26,330 --> 00:00:28,985 ♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪ 3 00:00:29,464 --> 00:00:31,335 [laughs] 4 00:00:31,379 --> 00:00:33,250 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, 5 00:00:33,294 --> 00:00:34,382 my name is Simon. 6 00:00:34,425 --> 00:00:35,513 My name's Simon. 7 00:00:35,557 --> 00:00:36,558 My name's Simon. 8 00:00:37,515 --> 00:00:39,517 Hey Tex, where you from, Cincinnati? 9 00:00:39,561 --> 00:00:41,606 Hey Tex, where you from? Cincinnati? 10 00:00:42,216 --> 00:00:44,479 How did the punk rocker cross the street? 11 00:00:44,522 --> 00:00:46,133 He stapled a chicken to his head. 12 00:00:46,524 --> 00:00:48,135 Hey, doc. 13 00:00:48,178 --> 00:00:49,658 I got this problem, nobody pays attention to me. 14 00:00:49,701 --> 00:00:51,051 Next, please. 15 00:00:52,269 --> 00:00:54,228 Hey, doc. I got this problem, 16 00:00:54,271 --> 00:00:56,491 I can't make friends, you big fat fucking slob. 17 00:00:56,926 --> 00:00:58,014 Hey! 18 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,363 Grasshopper walks into a bar. 19 00:01:00,799 --> 00:01:02,410 Bartender looks at the grasshopper and says, 20 00:01:02,453 --> 00:01:04,325 "Hey, you know we got a drink named after you?" 21 00:01:04,368 --> 00:01:05,630 Grasshopper says, 22 00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,154 "You got a drink named Herman? Ho!" 23 00:01:09,243 --> 00:01:11,071 Hey Tex, where you from, Cincinnati? 24 00:01:14,291 --> 00:01:17,338 So I walk into this bar, and go to the bartender and say, 25 00:01:17,381 --> 00:01:19,688 "Hey, you wanna hear a good Polish joke?" 26 00:01:20,689 --> 00:01:23,300 He goes... "I'm Polish. 27 00:01:23,953 --> 00:01:25,389 You see that guy with the big neck? 28 00:01:26,129 --> 00:01:28,914 He's fucking Polish. Still wanna tell that joke?" 29 00:01:29,698 --> 00:01:31,700 I said, "No." He goes, "Why, you're scared?" 30 00:01:31,743 --> 00:01:33,615 "No." "Then why don't you want to tell the joke?" 31 00:01:33,658 --> 00:01:35,312 "I don't want to explain it twice." 32 00:01:37,009 --> 00:01:37,967 -[clink] -[Sal] Cheers. 33 00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:39,055 [Freddy] Salud. 34 00:01:44,147 --> 00:01:45,670 Whoa. [chuckles] 35 00:01:46,193 --> 00:01:48,499 I get a message. "Sally wants to talk to you. 36 00:01:48,891 --> 00:01:50,501 Do you have time?" 37 00:01:50,545 --> 00:01:52,286 Do I have time? Come on, I always have time for you. 38 00:01:52,329 --> 00:01:53,983 I need you to do me a little favor, 39 00:01:54,026 --> 00:01:55,071 it's about Simon. 40 00:01:55,593 --> 00:01:57,160 It's a big night tonight. 41 00:01:57,595 --> 00:02:00,381 I'd love for you to give Simon a chance. 42 00:02:00,424 --> 00:02:02,122 Just this once. It's a big deal. 43 00:02:04,341 --> 00:02:05,473 [sighs] Sal. 44 00:02:05,821 --> 00:02:08,040 -Simon, the joke thief? -I know, I know. 45 00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:09,433 Well, you know... 46 00:02:11,043 --> 00:02:12,132 There's people here who don't exactly love him, you know? 47 00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,829 I care about the guy, he's a good guy. 48 00:02:13,872 --> 00:02:15,744 But you're asking a lot. 49 00:02:15,787 --> 00:02:17,137 He tells a good joke. 50 00:02:17,180 --> 00:02:18,442 When he tells them, they're funny. 51 00:02:18,486 --> 00:02:19,704 He's funny. 52 00:02:19,748 --> 00:02:21,097 He's a little funny worm, isn't he? 53 00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,230 Yeah, and he steals from the best. 54 00:02:25,014 --> 00:02:26,668 You want me to do a favor for him? 55 00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:29,061 Or you want me to do a favor for you? 56 00:02:29,497 --> 00:02:31,151 It's the same thing. Look, I want-- 57 00:02:31,194 --> 00:02:33,153 -Uh, uh, uh! -It's the same thing. 58 00:02:33,196 --> 00:02:34,589 I mean, I want him to be able 59 00:02:34,632 --> 00:02:36,156 to prove to himself that he can do it. 60 00:02:36,199 --> 00:02:38,027 This is national. This is going national! 61 00:02:38,070 --> 00:02:40,638 For me, is this a favor for you? 62 00:02:41,291 --> 00:02:42,684 Yeah. It's a favor for me. 63 00:02:42,727 --> 00:02:44,251 Then it's done. Why do you even ask? 64 00:02:44,294 --> 00:02:46,427 You know, for you, I would do anything. 65 00:02:46,470 --> 00:02:48,385 -Put him on. -I love you, man. 66 00:02:56,524 --> 00:02:58,090 [ringing] 67 00:02:59,353 --> 00:03:00,528 [ringing] 68 00:03:02,312 --> 00:03:03,444 Yeah? 69 00:03:03,487 --> 00:03:04,880 [Seb] Hey, Simon. Hi, it's Seb. 70 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:06,969 Uh... You want something to eat? 71 00:03:07,012 --> 00:03:08,100 [Simon] What do you mean? 72 00:03:09,406 --> 00:03:11,016 What are you, Jenny Craig, you wanna feed me? 73 00:03:11,278 --> 00:03:12,931 [laughs] No, no! 74 00:03:12,975 --> 00:03:14,716 I got a really big room service order 75 00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:16,761 with a really fine, exquisite bottle of wine 76 00:03:16,805 --> 00:03:18,415 going up, you want it? 77 00:03:18,459 --> 00:03:20,112 Yeah, I appreciate it. Yeah, I'll look after you. 78 00:03:20,156 --> 00:03:21,766 You don't have to pay for anything. 79 00:03:21,810 --> 00:03:24,204 Just look in the peephole and it'll be covered. 80 00:03:25,292 --> 00:03:27,076 Okay. Thanks. 81 00:03:27,119 --> 00:03:29,209 [Seb] No problem. Bon appetit, enjoy yourself. 82 00:03:29,557 --> 00:03:30,427 Yep. 83 00:03:33,125 --> 00:03:36,259 Fucking guy! Jenny Craig of all people. 84 00:03:41,090 --> 00:03:42,961 [phone ringing] 85 00:03:48,097 --> 00:03:50,230 -Yes? -Come on down, I need you here. 86 00:03:50,795 --> 00:03:52,101 I'm right here. 87 00:03:52,144 --> 00:03:53,276 Put the tray down, get down here. 88 00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:54,886 I need you right now, okay? 89 00:03:55,496 --> 00:03:56,323 Okay. 90 00:03:57,019 --> 00:03:58,238 Kiss my ass. 91 00:04:00,762 --> 00:04:01,632 Another one. 92 00:04:03,199 --> 00:04:07,682 ♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪ 93 00:04:08,813 --> 00:04:12,295 ♪ Please notice me 94 00:04:12,774 --> 00:04:16,734 ♪ And maybe There's something I can be ♪ 95 00:04:18,083 --> 00:04:21,652 ♪ The night is ticking by So fast ♪ 96 00:04:22,479 --> 00:04:26,396 ♪ I don't think my courage Is gonna last ♪ 97 00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:31,009 ♪ You don't know If I'm dead or alive... ♪ 98 00:04:31,793 --> 00:04:33,055 [William] Amy, honey. 99 00:04:33,838 --> 00:04:34,839 Is my brother in yet? 100 00:04:36,058 --> 00:04:37,494 [Amy] It's a little early for your brother. 101 00:04:38,060 --> 00:04:39,409 You know, I love him, 102 00:04:39,453 --> 00:04:41,281 but you're way too soft on your brother. 103 00:04:41,803 --> 00:04:44,414 If I'm gonna be soft on someone, it's gonna be my brother. 104 00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:47,243 He's the only brother I got. 105 00:04:48,244 --> 00:04:49,201 And I love him. 106 00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:50,812 [Amy sighs] 107 00:04:53,031 --> 00:04:55,207 [funky jazz] ♪ Keep my head up 108 00:04:55,599 --> 00:04:58,907 ♪ Please notice me... 109 00:04:59,473 --> 00:05:00,735 [phone ringing] 110 00:05:03,433 --> 00:05:04,956 Sí?I mean, yes? 111 00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,741 You know, on second thought, don't bother. 112 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:07,959 It's taken care of. 113 00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:10,179 You don't need me anymore? 114 00:05:11,180 --> 00:05:12,050 Okay. 115 00:05:14,401 --> 00:05:16,490 ♪ Please notice me... 116 00:05:16,533 --> 00:05:17,534 Nice. 117 00:05:18,927 --> 00:05:22,322 ♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪ 118 00:05:22,713 --> 00:05:24,889 Where's everything? 119 00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:27,501 -[phone ringing] -[sighs] 120 00:05:29,241 --> 00:05:30,112 Hello? 121 00:05:31,156 --> 00:05:32,244 -Simon, is that you? -[applause] 122 00:05:32,288 --> 00:05:33,550 Yeah. 123 00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:35,160 I'm here at The Basement Comedy Club. 124 00:05:35,204 --> 00:05:37,424 -Yeah? -And then they... 125 00:05:37,467 --> 00:05:39,991 They're going national tonight. They want you to do a set. 126 00:05:40,035 --> 00:05:40,905 Tonight? 127 00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,692 I just made myself something nice to eat. 128 00:05:46,215 --> 00:05:47,956 -What are they paying? -Two hundred. 129 00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:50,045 -[cheers and applause] -Two hundred bucks? 130 00:05:50,654 --> 00:05:52,134 Did I not say two hundred? 131 00:05:52,177 --> 00:05:54,484 -And how long is this set? -Five minutes... 132 00:05:55,572 --> 00:05:56,617 What am I gonna wear? 133 00:05:57,052 --> 00:05:58,619 You know what you're gonna wear. 134 00:05:58,662 --> 00:06:00,490 -[laughter] -Wear what you always wear. 135 00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:10,718 ♪ I feel so tangled in my soul 136 00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,502 -[Brian] Hey. -Dad, you wanted me? 137 00:06:12,546 --> 00:06:13,895 [Brian] Come on, sit down. 138 00:06:15,810 --> 00:06:17,420 Listen, I want to talk to you. 139 00:06:17,464 --> 00:06:18,508 What did I do now? 140 00:06:20,510 --> 00:06:21,642 You did nothing. 141 00:06:21,685 --> 00:06:23,165 You know you're a great salesman. 142 00:06:23,513 --> 00:06:25,036 Customers love you. 143 00:06:25,080 --> 00:06:26,429 I get a lot of reports, a lot of feedback. 144 00:06:26,473 --> 00:06:27,909 I get lots of feedback. 145 00:06:27,952 --> 00:06:29,737 Your brother, he's a good administrator. 146 00:06:29,998 --> 00:06:32,392 But you, you could sell anything. 147 00:06:33,175 --> 00:06:36,570 Proverbial refrigerator to an Eskimo. 148 00:06:40,400 --> 00:06:41,270 Dad! 149 00:06:41,966 --> 00:06:42,837 Dad! 150 00:06:45,317 --> 00:06:46,971 I just sold my first car 151 00:06:47,015 --> 00:06:48,451 and I totally grossed the piss out of this idiot. 152 00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:50,366 Yes, he did. 153 00:06:50,410 --> 00:06:52,150 [laughs] 154 00:06:55,937 --> 00:06:59,331 I just got to say, you know, everything's got a shelf life. 155 00:07:00,289 --> 00:07:01,682 Including me. 156 00:07:01,725 --> 00:07:03,031 But I've still got a lot of kick left. 157 00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:06,251 But, you know, I'm moving towards retirement. 158 00:07:06,295 --> 00:07:08,210 I want to spend more time with your mother. 159 00:07:09,690 --> 00:07:11,735 And this business, it belongs to both of you. 160 00:07:12,606 --> 00:07:15,826 And I want you boys to take care of the business. 161 00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:18,263 I want you to keep selling cars, 162 00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:21,179 I want your brother to be the administrator 163 00:07:21,223 --> 00:07:22,920 because he's good at that. 164 00:07:22,964 --> 00:07:24,487 -So he'll be my boss? -You're good at selling cars. 165 00:07:24,531 --> 00:07:26,358 -He's not going to be your boss. -[William] Simon. 166 00:07:26,663 --> 00:07:28,273 I will never be your boss. 167 00:07:29,405 --> 00:07:31,015 But I'll always be your brother. 168 00:07:31,973 --> 00:07:32,800 Simon, 169 00:07:33,583 --> 00:07:34,802 we know what you want. 170 00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,413 We know you want to be a comedian. 171 00:07:38,370 --> 00:07:40,372 And you're talented. You're funny. 172 00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:43,463 And I don't want to stand in your way of that. 173 00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:46,335 But you always have to have a fallback plan. 174 00:07:46,378 --> 00:07:49,077 A contingency plan, in case things don't work out. 175 00:07:49,120 --> 00:07:50,513 And this is it. 176 00:07:50,557 --> 00:07:52,384 You can always come back and sell a car. 177 00:07:52,428 --> 00:07:54,343 This business will always be yours. 178 00:07:54,386 --> 00:07:55,997 It'll be yours... 179 00:07:56,780 --> 00:07:57,651 and yours. 180 00:07:57,999 --> 00:07:59,391 But he will be running it. 181 00:07:59,435 --> 00:08:02,133 He'll run it, and you'll sell cars. 182 00:08:02,177 --> 00:08:03,744 Dad, you know I love you. 183 00:08:04,353 --> 00:08:06,181 It's your business, you do what you want. 184 00:08:06,224 --> 00:08:07,530 You built this 185 00:08:07,574 --> 00:08:09,140 and I don't want to talk anymore, okay? 186 00:08:09,184 --> 00:08:11,099 -I gotta go. -Simon! 187 00:08:11,142 --> 00:08:12,013 Bro! 188 00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:16,887 Dad, let me go talk to him. 189 00:08:17,497 --> 00:08:19,020 No. No, no. 190 00:08:20,587 --> 00:08:22,806 No, this is not a brother to brother thing, 191 00:08:22,850 --> 00:08:25,461 this is a... father to son thing. 192 00:08:25,940 --> 00:08:27,202 I'm going to talk to him. 193 00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:30,074 [smooth jazz] 194 00:08:38,561 --> 00:08:39,736 [Brian] Got a minute? 195 00:08:41,999 --> 00:08:44,001 -You taking my office now? -[Brian laughs] 196 00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:46,569 Simon! Nobody is going to take your office. 197 00:08:46,613 --> 00:08:47,788 Can I sit down? 198 00:08:47,831 --> 00:08:49,224 -It's your place. -[laughs] 199 00:08:49,267 --> 00:08:50,878 You can sit anywhere you want, dad. 200 00:08:52,401 --> 00:08:54,534 I'm going to clear something up right away. 201 00:08:55,665 --> 00:08:57,624 This is our place. 202 00:08:59,843 --> 00:09:01,323 Simon... [sighs] 203 00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,021 I know what we talked about in there hurt your feelings. 204 00:09:04,805 --> 00:09:06,415 But listen, son. 205 00:09:06,458 --> 00:09:08,373 You guys don't have any faith or trust in me. 206 00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,289 I trust you implicitly. 207 00:09:12,987 --> 00:09:14,554 But somebody has to be the driver, 208 00:09:14,597 --> 00:09:16,860 and you've always loved being the passenger. 209 00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:18,819 And that's what you are. 210 00:09:19,254 --> 00:09:20,908 He's going to drive the business. 211 00:09:21,169 --> 00:09:22,344 You're the passenger. 212 00:09:23,519 --> 00:09:25,347 You're going to sell cars, 213 00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:29,351 and I believe you're going to be successful in your dream. 214 00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:31,658 And that's what I want. 215 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:33,485 But right now... 216 00:09:35,270 --> 00:09:36,706 I want to give you something. 217 00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:38,229 It's so important. 218 00:09:38,273 --> 00:09:39,622 Is that my consolation prize? 219 00:09:40,231 --> 00:09:41,189 This... 220 00:09:42,103 --> 00:09:43,713 This is a vest 221 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,976 that my father gave me. 222 00:09:47,804 --> 00:09:49,197 And his father gave him. 223 00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:51,155 It's been handed down 224 00:09:52,200 --> 00:09:53,680 and I think it's a lucky vest. 225 00:09:53,723 --> 00:09:55,769 I can't wear it anymore, you know? But... 226 00:09:56,900 --> 00:09:57,945 I want you to have it. 227 00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,339 It's going to be a lucky vest for you, Simon. 228 00:10:03,167 --> 00:10:04,125 It's special. 229 00:10:04,778 --> 00:10:06,083 This is the legacy. 230 00:10:07,302 --> 00:10:09,130 And when I'm not around anymore... 231 00:10:11,306 --> 00:10:13,613 You're going to think of me when you wear this, 232 00:10:14,701 --> 00:10:17,791 and it's going to bring you a lot of luck. 233 00:10:19,357 --> 00:10:21,882 It's yours, Simon. I love you. 234 00:10:25,886 --> 00:10:26,800 Love you, son. 235 00:10:31,195 --> 00:10:33,720 They're offering you two hundred fucking dollars. 236 00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:36,331 Okay. 237 00:10:38,681 --> 00:10:40,030 I'll be there. 238 00:10:40,074 --> 00:10:42,032 Now! Like now, like five minutes ago. 239 00:10:42,816 --> 00:10:44,034 Okay. 240 00:10:44,078 --> 00:10:45,645 -Okay? Don't be late. -[cheers] 241 00:10:45,688 --> 00:10:47,908 Hey, no, no. Hey, listen. Don't be late. 242 00:10:47,951 --> 00:10:49,692 [uptempo jazz] 243 00:10:49,736 --> 00:10:52,782 ♪ I know that you're Out of my league ♪ 244 00:10:54,001 --> 00:10:57,265 ♪ I just want you to notice me 245 00:10:58,701 --> 00:11:00,311 ♪ I've got no cash 246 00:11:00,355 --> 00:11:02,270 -♪ Or fancy car -[phone ringing] 247 00:11:03,053 --> 00:11:04,968 -What the fuck? -[phone ringing] 248 00:11:07,492 --> 00:11:08,580 Hello? 249 00:11:08,624 --> 00:11:10,365 -Simon. -Hey, William. 250 00:11:10,408 --> 00:11:12,584 Hey, are you coming in today, bro? 251 00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,370 I'm sorry. No, I'm not coming in. 252 00:11:16,153 --> 00:11:19,156 Got a big break tonight. I'm going to The Comedy Basement 253 00:11:19,200 --> 00:11:21,942 to do a set, and it's going to be televised. 254 00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:25,597 Wow, congratulations! That's good news. 255 00:11:26,250 --> 00:11:27,512 Thank you, I appreciate it. 256 00:11:27,904 --> 00:11:28,992 Can I get a car? 257 00:11:29,514 --> 00:11:30,994 Simon, you know I can't do that. 258 00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:32,866 [clicks tongue] 259 00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:35,042 What the fuck, man? We own a dealership 260 00:11:35,085 --> 00:11:36,739 and you won't give me a car? 261 00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:38,698 Every time we give you a company car, you sell it. 262 00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:40,264 I'll get you a ride. Uber. 263 00:11:40,961 --> 00:11:43,006 Come on, man. I don't want to go in an Uber. 264 00:11:43,050 --> 00:11:45,617 They all fucking smell like curry. 265 00:11:46,314 --> 00:11:49,012 Simon, not every Uber driver is from India. 266 00:11:49,447 --> 00:11:53,060 There are all kinds of guys: Irish, Italian, Chinese guys! 267 00:11:53,103 --> 00:11:54,452 [huffing] 268 00:11:54,496 --> 00:11:56,063 Come on, please. 269 00:11:57,194 --> 00:11:58,500 Tell me when you need the car, 270 00:11:58,543 --> 00:11:59,849 and I'll get it over there. 271 00:12:00,284 --> 00:12:01,155 Twenty minutes. 272 00:12:01,808 --> 00:12:04,201 Done. Hey, I'm proud of you. 273 00:12:04,549 --> 00:12:05,550 You going to come? 274 00:12:05,855 --> 00:12:06,856 Absolutely. 275 00:12:08,510 --> 00:12:09,424 Really? 276 00:12:09,467 --> 00:12:10,338 I'll be there. 277 00:12:11,469 --> 00:12:12,906 -Okay. -I love you. 278 00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:14,734 -I'll see you tonight, bro. -Thanks. 279 00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:18,041 [funky jazz music] 280 00:12:18,085 --> 00:12:22,176 ♪ Nothing better in my head 281 00:12:22,872 --> 00:12:26,180 ♪ Please notice me 282 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:30,924 ♪ I'd swim Halfway across the sea ♪ 283 00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:33,535 -♪ Please... -[door slams] 284 00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:40,324 [Jerry] Mr. Simon! Welcome! 285 00:12:41,369 --> 00:12:42,805 My brother's a fucking idiot. 286 00:12:42,849 --> 00:12:45,155 I am Jagdish but you can call me Jerry. 287 00:12:45,416 --> 00:12:46,417 How you doing, Jerry? 288 00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:50,160 [Jerry] Easy. 289 00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:58,995 [Jerry grunts] 290 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:01,389 [Jerry] All buckled in, sir? 291 00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:04,218 I have to put my seatbelt on? 292 00:13:04,696 --> 00:13:06,046 [Jerry] That's the law, sir. 293 00:13:08,178 --> 00:13:09,789 [smooth jazz] 294 00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:12,704 ♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪ 295 00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:19,102 ♪ And here's something That I've been told ♪ 296 00:13:22,279 --> 00:13:25,369 ♪ Everyone makes So many mistakes ♪ 297 00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:31,027 ♪ So tell me, honey What it's gonna take ♪ 298 00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:36,816 ♪ Because sometimes Things change, I know ♪ 299 00:13:39,993 --> 00:13:41,298 ♪ And sometimes 300 00:13:41,342 --> 00:13:44,432 ♪ Things never seem the same 301 00:13:47,217 --> 00:13:48,958 [crescendo] 302 00:13:51,526 --> 00:13:54,964 ♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪ 303 00:13:57,097 --> 00:13:58,794 ♪ Can you just grab my hand 304 00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:02,145 ♪ And give me One more opportunity ♪ 305 00:14:03,668 --> 00:14:08,108 ♪ Because everyone 306 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:13,200 ♪ Has a moment of grace 307 00:14:13,243 --> 00:14:14,854 ♪ Save face 308 00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:18,901 [Jerry] How is your day going, sir? 309 00:14:19,380 --> 00:14:20,250 Good. 310 00:14:21,643 --> 00:14:26,039 By the way, do you like my car? It's brand new. 311 00:14:27,954 --> 00:14:28,824 It's nice. 312 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:31,087 I'm very proud of it. 313 00:14:32,654 --> 00:14:33,568 [Simon] Nice. 314 00:14:34,264 --> 00:14:35,526 It's fast. 315 00:14:35,962 --> 00:14:37,833 Like a tiger! 316 00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:39,617 [Simon] Can you do me a favor, though? Can you slow it down? 317 00:14:39,661 --> 00:14:41,445 Because what I ate for breakfast 318 00:14:41,489 --> 00:14:43,578 is going to come out of my nose and my ass. 319 00:14:44,231 --> 00:14:45,232 Very good, sir. 320 00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,364 [soft jazz music] 321 00:14:49,584 --> 00:14:52,195 What is it that you do, sir? What is your profession? 322 00:14:52,239 --> 00:14:53,457 [turning signal] 323 00:14:53,501 --> 00:14:55,372 [sighs heavily] 324 00:14:55,851 --> 00:14:59,376 I'm a... I'm a comedian. 325 00:14:59,681 --> 00:15:03,772 [Jerry] You are telling and writing jokes, then? 326 00:15:06,514 --> 00:15:08,733 I tell jokes, I write some jokes. 327 00:15:09,212 --> 00:15:10,300 But I'm a comedian. 328 00:15:10,344 --> 00:15:11,911 So, some people sing, 329 00:15:12,172 --> 00:15:13,651 but they don't necessarily... 330 00:15:14,435 --> 00:15:15,653 write all their songs. 331 00:15:17,003 --> 00:15:19,048 [Jerry] I have never met a joke teller before. 332 00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:21,877 It is an honor. 333 00:15:22,704 --> 00:15:24,271 Thank you, I appreciate it. 334 00:15:25,098 --> 00:15:27,796 Is it... a good job? 335 00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:33,802 It's... I guess you have to be committed... to it. 336 00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,717 Just, I guess, like you're committed 337 00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:36,979 to the job you do. 338 00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,067 I love my job. 339 00:15:38,415 --> 00:15:41,027 I love my job! [laughs] 340 00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:43,203 I hope you love your job, sir. 341 00:15:43,246 --> 00:15:45,292 -[jazz music] -[cheers and applause] 342 00:15:59,001 --> 00:16:00,394 [chuckling] 343 00:16:00,437 --> 00:16:01,873 Huh. That's shit. 344 00:16:02,439 --> 00:16:04,050 [grumbles and chuckles] 345 00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:06,835 [unintelligible mumbling] 346 00:16:08,054 --> 00:16:09,142 Hey, what time is it? 347 00:16:10,404 --> 00:16:11,753 [stage hand] Start going on in ten minutes. 348 00:16:12,362 --> 00:16:13,320 Fuck. 349 00:16:14,886 --> 00:16:16,192 Fucking Simon. 350 00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:20,153 Please, sir. Tell me a joke. I like to laugh. 351 00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:22,503 Okay. 352 00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:25,810 You know why blonde women have bruised belly buttons? 353 00:16:27,508 --> 00:16:29,031 No. 354 00:16:29,075 --> 00:16:30,206 [Simon] Because blonde guys are dumb, too. 355 00:16:32,513 --> 00:16:35,603 I... I do not understand. 356 00:16:35,646 --> 00:16:37,039 Because blonde guys are dumb. 357 00:16:37,387 --> 00:16:39,085 They think the belly button is the vagina, 358 00:16:39,128 --> 00:16:40,521 so they're tapping that. 359 00:16:41,217 --> 00:16:42,479 [phone rings] 360 00:16:42,523 --> 00:16:43,480 Excuse me. 361 00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,048 Hello? 362 00:16:46,092 --> 00:16:47,136 -Simon. Where are you? -[cheers] 363 00:16:47,180 --> 00:16:49,138 I'm in an Uber, I'm on my way. 364 00:16:49,182 --> 00:16:50,531 [Jerry] Twenty-two minutes, sir. 365 00:16:51,662 --> 00:16:52,837 Thank you for that. 366 00:16:53,664 --> 00:16:55,710 Apparently it's 22 minutes. 367 00:16:55,753 --> 00:16:57,668 Simon, please don't fuck this up, okay? 368 00:16:58,365 --> 00:16:59,235 I'm on my way. 369 00:17:01,107 --> 00:17:03,674 -Simon? Si... Fuck. -[laughter] 370 00:17:04,893 --> 00:17:06,068 [cheers and applause] 371 00:17:06,112 --> 00:17:07,200 [sighs] 372 00:17:10,072 --> 00:17:12,944 Is that your... best joke, sir? 373 00:17:14,337 --> 00:17:16,600 It's very good. Uh, very good. 374 00:17:17,166 --> 00:17:18,472 But you didn't laugh. 375 00:17:18,515 --> 00:17:20,822 Well, I didn't understand it, 376 00:17:20,865 --> 00:17:22,867 but I am new to this country, and... 377 00:17:22,911 --> 00:17:24,521 Can you do me a favor and slow down? 378 00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,262 Because I'm going to be fucking sitting 379 00:17:26,306 --> 00:17:27,916 on your spare tire soon, Jerry. 380 00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:30,527 I'm sorry, sir. This is a very fast car. 381 00:17:30,571 --> 00:17:32,007 I'm just learning how to... 382 00:17:32,051 --> 00:17:33,661 So maybe you should have bought a... 383 00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,271 a Hyundai. 384 00:17:36,055 --> 00:17:39,014 Hyundai is a very good car as well, but... 385 00:17:39,667 --> 00:17:41,625 this one is fast like a tiger. 386 00:17:43,845 --> 00:17:45,542 [uptempo jazz] 387 00:17:56,510 --> 00:17:58,729 Just relax. Hey, relax. 388 00:17:58,773 --> 00:18:00,296 Just be honest with your brother, he's your brother. 389 00:18:00,340 --> 00:18:02,255 Will you stop it, you're fucking lame. 390 00:18:02,951 --> 00:18:03,821 Alright. 391 00:18:04,431 --> 00:18:06,433 Alright. Ooh! 392 00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:08,087 -Hi. -Hi. How are you? 393 00:18:08,130 --> 00:18:09,697 -Pretty good. -Is my brother busy? 394 00:18:09,740 --> 00:18:11,307 Does it matter? 395 00:18:11,351 --> 00:18:12,656 Even if he was, he's always got time for you. 396 00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:13,918 -Go ahead. -Appreciate it. 397 00:18:13,962 --> 00:18:15,137 -Can I go in? -Yeah, of course. 398 00:18:20,055 --> 00:18:21,883 Look who it is! [chuckles] 399 00:18:21,926 --> 00:18:23,754 -How are you doing, bro? -Hey, bro. 400 00:18:24,015 --> 00:18:25,843 What is that? Come here, you! I love you. 401 00:18:26,714 --> 00:18:28,585 -Good to see you, come in! -You too. 402 00:18:28,629 --> 00:18:30,457 Sally, what's up? Hey, champ. [grunts] 403 00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:33,024 -Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey. -Come on. 404 00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:36,115 [William] So. 405 00:18:36,941 --> 00:18:38,291 What can I do for you boys? 406 00:18:38,769 --> 00:18:39,901 [Simon] Well, you know... 407 00:18:40,380 --> 00:18:41,729 I'm a little slug. 408 00:18:41,772 --> 00:18:43,078 I'm a little tight, and... 409 00:18:44,035 --> 00:18:45,515 for some scratch, 410 00:18:45,559 --> 00:18:47,256 and I was hoping you could give me an advance. 411 00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:49,389 Simon, you know the deal. 412 00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:51,086 We get paid the same every month. 413 00:18:51,130 --> 00:18:52,392 If I blow through my money, 414 00:18:52,435 --> 00:18:53,697 I don't cut myself another check. 415 00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:56,135 So. But you, you can step out on the floor 416 00:18:56,178 --> 00:18:57,440 any time you want, 417 00:18:58,441 --> 00:18:59,747 and make it happen. Listen. 418 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,792 Get out there and sell a car, 419 00:19:01,836 --> 00:19:03,664 I'll give you the commission right now. 420 00:19:03,707 --> 00:19:07,058 Well, thanks for seeing us but I don't want to sell a car. 421 00:19:08,234 --> 00:19:10,018 Do it! Make it happen. 422 00:19:10,061 --> 00:19:11,846 I'm not even dressed, I don't even have a jacket. 423 00:19:11,889 --> 00:19:12,760 I got you. 424 00:19:16,329 --> 00:19:19,419 There we go. Wow! That is a 30 pound jacket. 425 00:19:22,248 --> 00:19:24,380 -Don't make me go sell a car. -Come on, come on. 426 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:26,948 This is like breathing for you. 427 00:19:27,862 --> 00:19:29,429 You keep my jacket behind your door? 428 00:19:29,907 --> 00:19:30,821 Yeah. 429 00:19:31,909 --> 00:19:32,910 Go get 'em, tiger! 430 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:37,654 Watch this. 431 00:19:38,873 --> 00:19:39,526 Watch this? What are you talking about? 432 00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:41,441 He's my best friend. 433 00:19:41,484 --> 00:19:42,877 He's going to come back here in two seconds with a contract. 434 00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,095 Watch it. 435 00:19:45,662 --> 00:19:47,229 Good afternoon, how are you? 436 00:19:47,273 --> 00:19:49,231 -Good, thanks. How are you? -My name is Simon. 437 00:19:49,275 --> 00:19:51,668 -Hi, Bernard. -Good to meet you, Bernard. 438 00:19:53,496 --> 00:19:56,020 Call me Bernie. I'm just looking around. 439 00:19:56,064 --> 00:19:57,326 Bernie? 440 00:19:57,370 --> 00:19:58,414 I'll just tell you about the car, 441 00:19:58,458 --> 00:19:59,589 because that's my job. 442 00:19:59,633 --> 00:20:00,808 -Sure. -You like the car? 443 00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:02,375 I like it, yeah. 444 00:20:02,418 --> 00:20:04,159 You know, Bernie, I have to tell you something. 445 00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,508 When they say they don't make them like they used to... 446 00:20:05,552 --> 00:20:06,814 Thank God, because they used to be 447 00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,337 -a pile of shit. -[Bernie chuckles] 448 00:20:08,381 --> 00:20:10,644 This is a car. The highest level of technology, 449 00:20:10,948 --> 00:20:13,124 the software synchs up with your phone, 450 00:20:13,168 --> 00:20:14,604 whether it's Apple or Android. 451 00:20:14,996 --> 00:20:17,477 All wheel drive, 2000 CCs, 452 00:20:17,520 --> 00:20:19,609 it's an equal boost engine, it's great on gas. 453 00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:21,176 This is a quick car. 454 00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:23,134 -Yeah. It's nice. -And look at the back seat. 455 00:20:23,178 --> 00:20:24,440 If you want to bang a chick in the back seat, 456 00:20:24,484 --> 00:20:26,181 you ain't going to break a vertebrae. 457 00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:29,837 [laughing] I'm married, but thanks for the info. 458 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:31,839 Take the wife in the back seat. 459 00:20:32,318 --> 00:20:33,928 -Do you love the car? -I do, yeah. 460 00:20:33,971 --> 00:20:35,495 Can I make a suggestion, Bernie? 461 00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:37,801 -Sure. -Let's go in my office and talk. 462 00:20:37,845 --> 00:20:39,803 -What do you think? -Okay, Simon. 463 00:20:41,805 --> 00:20:42,763 Thanks. 464 00:20:47,898 --> 00:20:49,465 -Bernie, come in please. -Yeah. 465 00:20:49,509 --> 00:20:50,814 -Sit down, buddy. -Thanks. 466 00:20:51,989 --> 00:20:53,252 [Bernie exhales heavily] 467 00:20:54,383 --> 00:20:55,297 Bernie. 468 00:20:57,430 --> 00:20:58,909 I was born into this business. 469 00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:00,694 It's my dad that started this business, 470 00:21:00,737 --> 00:21:01,956 he started as a salesman. 471 00:21:02,696 --> 00:21:04,306 I'm talking to you like a brother. 472 00:21:04,654 --> 00:21:06,177 The car... Do you love that car? 473 00:21:06,221 --> 00:21:07,831 I love that car. It's a lovely car. 474 00:21:07,875 --> 00:21:09,355 ...fits your perfectly. 475 00:21:09,398 --> 00:21:11,182 -A car's got to fit you, buddy. -Yep. 476 00:21:11,226 --> 00:21:13,620 It's got a 2000 CC equal boost engine, 477 00:21:13,663 --> 00:21:14,882 it's good on gas. 478 00:21:14,925 --> 00:21:16,579 It's not a dog. 479 00:21:16,623 --> 00:21:18,668 Because most of these cars that are fuel-efficient 480 00:21:19,103 --> 00:21:20,931 you have to get out and fucking push. 481 00:21:20,975 --> 00:21:23,325 But... here's the problem. 482 00:21:23,369 --> 00:21:24,587 If you don't take this car, 483 00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:28,504 and they sell it, it's six, eight, maybe ten weeks. 484 00:21:28,548 --> 00:21:31,202 Almost a whole model year. And I won't go back and forth. 485 00:21:31,246 --> 00:21:32,943 I'm going to give you the best deal possible, 486 00:21:32,987 --> 00:21:34,467 first time. 487 00:21:34,510 --> 00:21:35,946 Make the deal, and then you can pick it up. 488 00:21:36,207 --> 00:21:37,905 I can have it PDI'd 489 00:21:37,948 --> 00:21:40,299 and out of the showroom by tomorrow. 490 00:21:43,476 --> 00:21:45,260 No, not at all. 491 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:47,828 No, I'm going to have to check with my wife, you know? 492 00:21:50,744 --> 00:21:51,832 I respect that. 493 00:21:53,224 --> 00:21:54,443 Second largest investment of your life is your car. 494 00:21:54,487 --> 00:21:56,358 -Yeah, right. -I'm on your side, Bernie. 495 00:21:56,402 --> 00:21:58,491 And you'll probably try to bang her in the back seat, 496 00:21:58,534 --> 00:22:00,101 like you said. 497 00:22:00,144 --> 00:22:01,276 There's lots of room. Nothing like romance. 498 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:02,712 This is what I'm going to do. 499 00:22:02,756 --> 00:22:04,453 I want to hold the car for you. 500 00:22:04,497 --> 00:22:06,499 So, there's a little box here where it says remarks, 501 00:22:06,542 --> 00:22:08,457 I'm going to put "Must... 502 00:22:09,676 --> 00:22:10,807 ask... 503 00:22:10,851 --> 00:22:12,592 -[pen scratching] -wife's... 504 00:22:13,419 --> 00:22:14,333 permission... 505 00:22:16,030 --> 00:22:16,900 to buy... 506 00:22:17,684 --> 00:22:19,163 the car." 507 00:22:19,425 --> 00:22:21,340 If she gives you the go-ahead, then we take this off. 508 00:22:22,210 --> 00:22:23,820 Give me the fucking paperwork. 509 00:22:23,864 --> 00:22:25,387 Nobody tells me whether I can buy a car or not. 510 00:22:25,431 --> 00:22:26,780 You're a good boy, Bernie. 511 00:22:26,823 --> 00:22:28,390 [jazz music] 512 00:22:30,697 --> 00:22:31,872 [cheering] 513 00:22:36,572 --> 00:22:37,530 Thank you! 514 00:22:38,444 --> 00:22:39,532 Thank you, thank you! 515 00:22:41,360 --> 00:22:42,273 Thank you. 516 00:22:43,579 --> 00:22:44,537 Thank you! 517 00:22:45,451 --> 00:22:47,278 Welcome to The Comedy Basement. 518 00:22:47,322 --> 00:22:49,455 And remember, when you're here, in The Comedy Basement, 519 00:22:49,498 --> 00:22:51,848 there is only one place left to go, 520 00:22:51,892 --> 00:22:53,110 and that is up! 521 00:22:53,154 --> 00:22:54,242 [cheering] 522 00:22:55,983 --> 00:22:57,680 My name is Freddy C. 523 00:22:58,028 --> 00:23:01,162 I am your host and the owner of this beautiful establishment. 524 00:23:01,205 --> 00:23:03,033 -[cheering] -My first guest 525 00:23:03,947 --> 00:23:06,428 is an up-and-comer, he's known all around the area, 526 00:23:06,472 --> 00:23:08,561 we're very honored to have, ladies and gentlemen, 527 00:23:08,604 --> 00:23:10,214 he's no longer driving for NASCAR, 528 00:23:10,258 --> 00:23:11,302 Mr. Jeff Elliott! 529 00:23:11,346 --> 00:23:12,565 [cheers and applause] 530 00:23:23,097 --> 00:23:25,273 [Jeff] Hey, guys. How's it going? 531 00:23:26,100 --> 00:23:28,319 Alright. I'm really starting to feel my age. 532 00:23:28,929 --> 00:23:30,365 I hurt myself sleeping. 533 00:23:30,713 --> 00:23:32,715 [laughter] 534 00:23:33,150 --> 00:23:34,804 Did you know that was a thing you could do? 535 00:23:34,848 --> 00:23:36,023 I was taking a nap. 536 00:23:36,545 --> 00:23:38,460 I woke up, my shoulder was really sore. 537 00:23:39,374 --> 00:23:40,723 Doesn't go away for two weeks. 538 00:23:41,550 --> 00:23:43,030 So I go to the doctor, they take some X-rays. 539 00:23:43,073 --> 00:23:44,901 Ah... turns out I tore my rotator cuff... 540 00:23:44,945 --> 00:23:46,207 [audience] Aw. 541 00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:47,817 ...while I was taking a nap! 542 00:23:48,122 --> 00:23:49,297 [laughter] 543 00:23:50,646 --> 00:23:52,300 If you guys are familiar with this injury, 544 00:23:52,343 --> 00:23:54,084 it's usually reserved for professional athletes. 545 00:23:54,998 --> 00:23:56,696 Most specifically, baseball pitchers 546 00:23:56,739 --> 00:23:58,349 tear their rotator cuffs a lot. 547 00:23:58,654 --> 00:24:00,047 I knew I was good at sleeping. 548 00:24:00,569 --> 00:24:02,353 [laughter] 549 00:24:02,397 --> 00:24:04,355 Apparently I'm ready for the big leagues! 550 00:24:05,356 --> 00:24:07,097 I'll say this too, these baseball pitchers 551 00:24:07,141 --> 00:24:08,490 tear their rotator cuffs, they're done. 552 00:24:08,534 --> 00:24:10,666 For a year, they don't play baseball. 553 00:24:11,493 --> 00:24:13,582 I was back in bed sleeping that night. 554 00:24:13,626 --> 00:24:15,758 [laughter and applause] 555 00:24:20,894 --> 00:24:23,853 My next guest is the most famous sock 556 00:24:23,897 --> 00:24:25,551 in the entire world! 557 00:24:25,594 --> 00:24:27,553 Unlike his brother who never quite made it. 558 00:24:27,596 --> 00:24:29,859 He's the sock that's still left out on the highway. 559 00:24:29,903 --> 00:24:31,252 [audience] Ah... 560 00:24:31,295 --> 00:24:32,775 Ladies and gentlemen, Ed the Sock! 561 00:24:32,819 --> 00:24:33,733 [cheering] 562 00:24:38,999 --> 00:24:40,609 [Ed] Alright, shut up already! 563 00:24:41,218 --> 00:24:42,698 I don't believe your sincerity. 564 00:24:42,742 --> 00:24:44,483 Thank you very much for that introduction. 565 00:24:44,526 --> 00:24:47,616 I love the goatee, by the way. Very Wesley Snipes. 566 00:24:47,877 --> 00:24:49,488 [laughter] 567 00:24:49,531 --> 00:24:52,055 And thank you for the reference to my brother 568 00:24:52,099 --> 00:24:53,404 who's out on the highway. 569 00:24:55,058 --> 00:24:57,060 I haven't heard that one before. Though, of course, it's better 570 00:24:57,104 --> 00:25:00,629 than the "brother that you jerked off into as a teenager." 571 00:25:03,197 --> 00:25:04,981 Guys! I'm a sock! 572 00:25:05,025 --> 00:25:07,331 That's my ethnicity. I'm not defined by it. 573 00:25:07,375 --> 00:25:09,029 Let's get past those jokes, okay? 574 00:25:09,072 --> 00:25:11,379 [laughter and applause] 575 00:25:11,422 --> 00:25:12,336 Our next act... 576 00:25:13,512 --> 00:25:14,556 We love seeing this man when he comes 577 00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:15,905 and garners our stage, 578 00:25:15,949 --> 00:25:18,908 That Canadian guy... Glen Foster! 579 00:25:18,952 --> 00:25:20,214 [cheers and applause] 580 00:25:21,041 --> 00:25:22,956 [Glen] Alright, come on, come on... 581 00:25:27,569 --> 00:25:30,529 Here we go. Oh, thank you very much. That's very nice. 582 00:25:31,486 --> 00:25:33,575 I hope I look alright. I, uh... 583 00:25:33,619 --> 00:25:36,491 I've reached the age where no matter what I wear, 584 00:25:36,535 --> 00:25:39,189 I just come off looking like a retired cop. 585 00:25:39,233 --> 00:25:40,930 -[laughter] -So... 586 00:25:41,409 --> 00:25:44,238 Anyway, I do not need any more stress in my life. 587 00:25:44,281 --> 00:25:47,023 I live with my pre-teen daughter, 588 00:25:47,067 --> 00:25:49,591 -[audience] Oh! -my pre-menopausal wife, 589 00:25:49,635 --> 00:25:51,419 [laughter] 590 00:25:51,462 --> 00:25:56,206 and... a previously abused female Australian Shepherd. 591 00:25:56,250 --> 00:25:58,252 -[laughter] -Oh, yeah! 592 00:25:58,295 --> 00:26:00,167 There are days I walk through the door, 593 00:26:00,210 --> 00:26:02,604 it is bitch, bitch, bitch. 594 00:26:02,648 --> 00:26:03,953 [laughter] 595 00:26:05,607 --> 00:26:08,784 But the dog is cute, so... 596 00:26:08,828 --> 00:26:09,872 [laughter] 597 00:26:11,047 --> 00:26:12,658 [Simon] I'll give you another joke. 598 00:26:12,701 --> 00:26:15,530 So this guy is in his room. He's in a hospital. 599 00:26:16,052 --> 00:26:17,097 And... 600 00:26:18,315 --> 00:26:19,360 the doctor comes in the room, and he says, 601 00:26:19,403 --> 00:26:21,667 "Mr. Smith, I got some good news, 602 00:26:21,710 --> 00:26:23,190 -and some bad news." -[Jerry grunts] 603 00:26:23,233 --> 00:26:26,106 So he says, "Give me the bad news first 604 00:26:26,149 --> 00:26:28,891 and then you can pacify me with the good news." 605 00:26:29,413 --> 00:26:30,632 Goes, "Well, the bad news is 606 00:26:30,676 --> 00:26:32,025 you got gangrene on both your feet, 607 00:26:32,068 --> 00:26:33,461 we're going to have to cut them off." 608 00:26:33,504 --> 00:26:34,767 "So what the fuck's the good news?" 609 00:26:36,333 --> 00:26:37,857 "The guy in the other room wants to buy all your shoes." 610 00:26:39,206 --> 00:26:41,687 Because they wear the same... they wear the same size. 611 00:26:42,775 --> 00:26:43,776 And, and then? 612 00:26:45,429 --> 00:26:47,214 Oh, that is it? 613 00:26:47,257 --> 00:26:49,129 I got to check my messages because you're depressing me. 614 00:26:49,172 --> 00:26:50,347 Okay? Anyways. 615 00:26:51,784 --> 00:26:53,655 They're very good jokes, sir. Very good. But, I... 616 00:26:53,699 --> 00:26:56,310 -[Simon] Apparently not. -I've never heard them before. 617 00:26:56,353 --> 00:26:59,661 I would love to study your jokes so I understand them. 618 00:26:59,705 --> 00:27:01,620 If you have to study a joke, it's not funny. 619 00:27:02,533 --> 00:27:04,579 [applause] 620 00:27:04,623 --> 00:27:06,668 Now our next act is known all around the world 621 00:27:06,712 --> 00:27:08,104 as your neighborhood kid. 622 00:27:08,148 --> 00:27:09,845 Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up 623 00:27:09,889 --> 00:27:11,151 for Jerry Caringi! 624 00:27:11,194 --> 00:27:12,935 [cheers and applause] 625 00:27:12,979 --> 00:27:16,069 [Jerry C.] Yeah! What's going on here? What's going on? 626 00:27:16,112 --> 00:27:17,940 Hey! Pasta fazool, how are you? 627 00:27:18,637 --> 00:27:20,726 Hey, how are you? Good to see you. 628 00:27:21,422 --> 00:27:24,643 Hey! Faccia di polenta! How are you? 629 00:27:25,426 --> 00:27:26,470 How are you, man? 630 00:27:29,038 --> 00:27:30,300 How are you doing, huh? 631 00:27:34,696 --> 00:27:36,655 What a crowd, what a crowd! 632 00:27:37,568 --> 00:27:39,745 -You feeling good? -[audience] Yeah! 633 00:27:39,788 --> 00:27:41,224 Ay! 634 00:27:41,268 --> 00:27:42,791 Faccia di polenta,how are you? 635 00:27:43,096 --> 00:27:45,751 Anyways, um... The Godfather. 636 00:27:46,926 --> 00:27:48,579 It's getting serious. He's in his office. 637 00:27:48,623 --> 00:27:49,798 Something is going on. 638 00:27:50,364 --> 00:27:52,540 So he calls in Rocco. "Rocco, get in here! 639 00:27:53,672 --> 00:27:54,934 I gotta ask you a question." 640 00:27:55,935 --> 00:27:57,197 "Yes, Godfather. Anything." 641 00:27:58,241 --> 00:27:59,547 "What's five plus five?" 642 00:28:00,374 --> 00:28:03,116 Rocco answers, "Seven." 643 00:28:03,159 --> 00:28:04,204 [audience chuckles] 644 00:28:04,247 --> 00:28:05,684 Godfather slaps him in the face. 645 00:28:06,641 --> 00:28:09,035 "You're a good boy. You're very smart. 646 00:28:09,078 --> 00:28:11,254 Thank you. Go get Anthony. Send him in here. 647 00:28:11,515 --> 00:28:12,647 Stay outside." 648 00:28:13,779 --> 00:28:15,824 Anthony comes waltzing in, kind of worried. 649 00:28:18,261 --> 00:28:20,394 Godfather asks Anthony, "Anthony... 650 00:28:21,264 --> 00:28:23,919 I'm going to ask you a question. Give me a straight answer. 651 00:28:24,441 --> 00:28:25,616 Are you ready?" 652 00:28:25,660 --> 00:28:26,705 Anthony goes, "Yeah." 653 00:28:26,922 --> 00:28:28,228 "What's five plus six?" 654 00:28:28,271 --> 00:28:30,099 "Ah, that's easy. It's eleven." 655 00:28:31,448 --> 00:28:33,363 Pulls out his gun, bang! 656 00:28:33,407 --> 00:28:34,495 [laughter] 657 00:28:34,538 --> 00:28:35,975 Falls to the floor! Ba da dum! 658 00:28:36,715 --> 00:28:39,239 Rocco comes running in, "Godfather! What's going on? 659 00:28:39,282 --> 00:28:40,414 What did you do?" 660 00:28:42,459 --> 00:28:43,460 "He knows too much." 661 00:28:43,504 --> 00:28:45,245 [audience claps] Oh! 662 00:28:45,288 --> 00:28:47,856 This woman has been known all around the world 663 00:28:47,900 --> 00:28:49,902 for her role on Growing Pains. 664 00:28:50,163 --> 00:28:52,252 She also garnered the cover, 665 00:28:52,295 --> 00:28:56,865 and throughout America is known as a stunning Playmate 666 00:28:56,909 --> 00:28:58,432 in Playboymagazine. 667 00:28:58,475 --> 00:29:00,695 Ladies and gentlemen, please give it up for... 668 00:29:00,739 --> 00:29:02,044 Julie McCollough! 669 00:29:02,088 --> 00:29:03,263 [cheering] 670 00:29:12,185 --> 00:29:13,447 [Julie] How y'all doing? 671 00:29:13,490 --> 00:29:15,057 [cheers and applause] 672 00:29:16,232 --> 00:29:18,626 Thank you so very, very much for having me here. 673 00:29:18,669 --> 00:29:21,324 I've lived all over the United States, y'all. 674 00:29:21,368 --> 00:29:23,936 I've lived in North Carolina, West by God Virginia, 675 00:29:23,979 --> 00:29:28,027 Florida, Louisiana, Missouri, Nevada, 676 00:29:28,070 --> 00:29:30,203 Texas... Woo hoo for Texas! 677 00:29:31,291 --> 00:29:34,773 California, and I was born in Hawaii. Woo hoo! 678 00:29:36,296 --> 00:29:38,341 Y'all could tell I was Hawaiian, right? 679 00:29:38,385 --> 00:29:41,780 Blonde hair, Southern accent... Dead giveaway, she's Hawaiian! 680 00:29:41,823 --> 00:29:43,433 [laughter] 681 00:29:43,956 --> 00:29:47,133 Wahme liki liki makke e ha ole makke hiki ho 682 00:29:47,176 --> 00:29:49,439 -brothers. -[audience] Whoo! 683 00:29:49,744 --> 00:29:51,398 Kahme ana wahini! 684 00:29:51,833 --> 00:29:54,009 [audience] Ooh! 685 00:29:54,053 --> 00:29:55,750 That means absolutely nothing. 686 00:29:55,794 --> 00:29:57,273 [Julie and audience laugh] 687 00:29:57,317 --> 00:29:58,927 -Now, our next guest... -[applause] 688 00:29:59,623 --> 00:30:03,366 He can tell jokes, he's funny, he can sing, but please... 689 00:30:03,802 --> 00:30:06,587 do not get him to dance up here right now. 690 00:30:06,630 --> 00:30:08,110 [audience chuckles] 691 00:30:08,154 --> 00:30:09,416 Ladies and gentlemen, Constantine Meglis! 692 00:30:09,764 --> 00:30:11,287 [cheers and applause] 693 00:30:20,166 --> 00:30:21,689 [Constantine] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 694 00:30:21,732 --> 00:30:22,821 How are you? 695 00:30:23,082 --> 00:30:25,040 I happen to be six foot nine. 696 00:30:25,388 --> 00:30:26,868 [audience] Ooh! 697 00:30:26,912 --> 00:30:29,871 That's not... tall, that's like monster tall. 698 00:30:29,915 --> 00:30:30,916 [laughter] 699 00:30:30,959 --> 00:30:32,134 Okay? 700 00:30:32,918 --> 00:30:34,615 Even when I was a little kid. 701 00:30:35,094 --> 00:30:36,704 My kindergarten picture... 702 00:30:38,271 --> 00:30:40,621 I'm five years old, just like the rest of the kids. 703 00:30:41,013 --> 00:30:42,666 I look like I'm the teacher. 704 00:30:43,102 --> 00:30:44,843 [laughter] 705 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,369 [Jerry] Sir, you are too hard on your jokes. 706 00:30:49,412 --> 00:30:51,980 I'm sure people who understand them will find them funny. 707 00:30:52,024 --> 00:30:53,460 I just don't understand them. 708 00:30:54,243 --> 00:30:55,070 Okay. 709 00:30:56,289 --> 00:30:58,552 Are you going to give a show tonight? 710 00:31:01,598 --> 00:31:02,773 Well, I'm... 711 00:31:03,209 --> 00:31:05,559 I'm part of a show, because it's a... 712 00:31:05,602 --> 00:31:09,084 it's a bunch of comedians, it's like a cavalcade, 713 00:31:09,128 --> 00:31:11,347 and it's being televised on cable. 714 00:31:12,000 --> 00:31:15,090 Oh, my God! That sounds very impressive. 715 00:31:15,134 --> 00:31:16,918 I wish I could attend. [chuckles] 716 00:31:17,266 --> 00:31:20,139 But I must drive my car. 717 00:31:20,748 --> 00:31:23,316 Are you... excited, sir? 718 00:31:25,231 --> 00:31:26,275 I wouldn't say... 719 00:31:27,320 --> 00:31:28,669 I'm excited, but... 720 00:31:30,671 --> 00:31:35,023 I'm probably, I would say, relieved, because if I do good, 721 00:31:35,371 --> 00:31:38,418 this is basically the break I'm looking for. 722 00:31:38,853 --> 00:31:40,246 If I do bad, 723 00:31:40,637 --> 00:31:42,770 I'll be selling cars for the rest of my life. 724 00:31:43,640 --> 00:31:47,079 Oh, my God. So it's a very important event, then. 725 00:31:48,167 --> 00:31:50,125 Yeah, you could say that. Yeah. 726 00:31:50,909 --> 00:31:54,913 I'm wishing you most excellent good luck, sir. 727 00:31:55,696 --> 00:31:56,958 [Simon] Most excellent good luck? 728 00:31:57,002 --> 00:31:58,351 [Jerry] Most excellent good luck. 729 00:31:59,091 --> 00:32:03,443 Well I most excellently appreciate your wishes. 730 00:32:03,965 --> 00:32:07,186 And I hope they're true for me and for my sake. 731 00:32:07,229 --> 00:32:10,624 And congratulations on your car, which is a tiger... 732 00:32:11,103 --> 00:32:12,539 uh, in heat. 733 00:32:12,931 --> 00:32:15,803 [laughs] That joke I understand, sir. 734 00:32:15,846 --> 00:32:17,631 [turning signal] 735 00:32:17,674 --> 00:32:19,241 "Tiger in heat" you found funny? 736 00:32:20,025 --> 00:32:22,027 Well a tiger in heat would be very funny. 737 00:32:22,070 --> 00:32:26,031 Uh, dangerous, but I see how you make it funny. 738 00:32:26,074 --> 00:32:27,989 You... you are good comedian. 739 00:32:29,904 --> 00:32:30,774 Okay. 740 00:32:33,952 --> 00:32:35,562 [laughter] 741 00:32:35,605 --> 00:32:38,608 [Ed] Any ladies here considering breast implants? 742 00:32:39,044 --> 00:32:40,393 -[woman 1] No! -[woman 2] Yes! 743 00:32:40,436 --> 00:32:42,221 Any guys here considering their ladies 744 00:32:42,264 --> 00:32:43,570 should have breast implants? 745 00:32:43,613 --> 00:32:45,050 [laughter] 746 00:32:45,093 --> 00:32:46,486 Hey, here's the thing, ladies. 747 00:32:46,529 --> 00:32:47,922 If you're with a guy who wants you 748 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:50,446 to get a breast implant, get rid of him! 749 00:32:51,926 --> 00:32:54,581 The best breast enlargement is sit closer! 750 00:32:55,060 --> 00:32:56,626 [laughter] 751 00:32:59,412 --> 00:33:02,502 Honestly, a breast enlargement that a guy wants you to have, 752 00:33:02,545 --> 00:33:04,939 it's only because he can't get his penis made bigger. 753 00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:06,593 [audience laughs] Oh! 754 00:33:07,550 --> 00:33:09,335 [applause] 755 00:33:09,378 --> 00:33:10,901 I am trying to take care of myself, 756 00:33:10,945 --> 00:33:12,686 'cause I'm a single guy. 757 00:33:12,729 --> 00:33:14,601 Trying to figure out what women find attractive in a man. 758 00:33:14,644 --> 00:33:16,255 I think I have some things. I don't know if you've noticed, 759 00:33:16,298 --> 00:33:17,386 but my hands... 760 00:33:18,387 --> 00:33:19,823 are pretty much gorgeous. 761 00:33:19,867 --> 00:33:22,609 -[laughter] -I take good care of them. 762 00:33:22,652 --> 00:33:23,740 I've been told women look at your hands 763 00:33:23,784 --> 00:33:25,307 when they first meet you. 764 00:33:25,351 --> 00:33:27,179 They also look at your eyes, I've been told. 765 00:33:27,744 --> 00:33:29,050 I've got some sweet baby blues 766 00:33:29,094 --> 00:33:30,617 happening behind these safety goggles. 767 00:33:30,660 --> 00:33:32,401 [laughter] 768 00:33:32,445 --> 00:33:33,489 And I've heard feet before, which I didn't understand. 769 00:33:33,533 --> 00:33:34,751 That sounds gross. 770 00:33:35,100 --> 00:33:36,405 Who looks at a man's feet? 771 00:33:37,928 --> 00:33:39,278 It's a size thing, right? They think you got big shoes, 772 00:33:39,321 --> 00:33:40,583 you got the... [whistles] 773 00:33:40,627 --> 00:33:41,845 [laughter] 774 00:33:41,889 --> 00:33:43,108 ...big underpants, right? 775 00:33:44,370 --> 00:33:45,458 Mine are a size 11. 776 00:33:46,850 --> 00:33:48,200 [clicks tongue] That is slightly above average. 777 00:33:48,243 --> 00:33:50,289 [laughter] 778 00:33:50,332 --> 00:33:51,768 They're 11 wide, actually. 779 00:33:51,812 --> 00:33:53,509 [audience] Whoa! 780 00:33:55,163 --> 00:33:57,470 Can barely get my gorgeous hands around the thing. 781 00:33:57,513 --> 00:33:58,993 [laughter] 782 00:33:59,298 --> 00:34:00,560 [turning signal] 783 00:34:02,475 --> 00:34:05,086 So, do you have... all your friends and family 784 00:34:05,130 --> 00:34:07,523 coming to see your performance tonight? 785 00:34:08,481 --> 00:34:09,569 Sure you going the right way? 786 00:34:09,612 --> 00:34:11,440 It's faster, sir. Much faster. 787 00:34:12,311 --> 00:34:14,052 -You sure? -Very sure. 788 00:34:15,357 --> 00:34:17,011 I don't know if my family's coming. 789 00:34:17,055 --> 00:34:18,578 I mean... 790 00:34:18,621 --> 00:34:21,711 My father and my mother are no longer here, 791 00:34:21,755 --> 00:34:23,104 -unfortunately. -I'm very sorry, sir. 792 00:34:23,148 --> 00:34:25,672 And I have a brother, and he's married. 793 00:34:25,715 --> 00:34:27,935 And... that's us. 794 00:34:28,631 --> 00:34:30,024 So hopefully he'll... 795 00:34:31,373 --> 00:34:32,722 My brother will come tonight. 796 00:34:32,766 --> 00:34:34,376 [smooth jazz] 797 00:34:40,643 --> 00:34:43,690 ♪ I want you to stop For just one second ♪ 798 00:34:44,473 --> 00:34:47,041 ♪ I want you to take One step back ♪ 799 00:34:49,565 --> 00:34:51,393 ♪ Don't say one word 800 00:34:52,655 --> 00:34:54,527 ♪ That you can't take back... 801 00:34:54,570 --> 00:34:57,356 Come on, mom's waiting. Let's go say goodbye. 802 00:34:57,399 --> 00:34:59,836 I can't go. I... I can't do it. 803 00:35:02,839 --> 00:35:03,710 Simon. 804 00:35:05,103 --> 00:35:07,017 Let's go upstairs and say goodbye to mom. 805 00:35:07,061 --> 00:35:08,236 I don't want to say bye. 806 00:35:09,846 --> 00:35:10,804 You've got to do it. 807 00:35:12,327 --> 00:35:13,154 Hey. 808 00:35:14,199 --> 00:35:15,678 You weren't there when dad died. 809 00:35:16,070 --> 00:35:17,376 He was waiting for you. 810 00:35:17,724 --> 00:35:19,029 Don't make the same mistake. 811 00:35:19,465 --> 00:35:20,640 Why would you say that? 812 00:35:21,380 --> 00:35:22,903 He wanted to say goodbye to you. 813 00:35:23,860 --> 00:35:25,123 I know you regretted that. 814 00:35:26,167 --> 00:35:28,256 Let's go, don't make the same mistake. Come on! 815 00:35:29,257 --> 00:35:30,519 That's it, there. Let's go. 816 00:35:30,563 --> 00:35:32,260 [slow jazz] 817 00:35:32,304 --> 00:35:36,221 ♪ ...and you tore it apart 818 00:35:37,918 --> 00:35:39,789 ♪ Threw it on the ground 819 00:35:41,356 --> 00:35:45,230 ♪ And rolled it around 820 00:35:46,187 --> 00:35:49,016 ♪ I am what I am 821 00:35:50,713 --> 00:35:52,715 ♪ I'm my own man 822 00:35:54,239 --> 00:35:56,415 ♪ And whether it's one second 823 00:35:57,198 --> 00:35:58,765 ♪ Or another 100 years... 824 00:35:59,505 --> 00:36:01,420 [William] Can you give us a moment, please? 825 00:36:05,902 --> 00:36:07,469 ♪ ...never take anything 826 00:36:09,471 --> 00:36:11,256 ♪ From someone like you... 827 00:36:11,299 --> 00:36:13,954 [Audrey] Simon? There's a line up at the gates of heaven. 828 00:36:14,563 --> 00:36:16,696 Why are you keeping me waiting, my son? 829 00:36:18,828 --> 00:36:22,180 You've tried all your life to make people laugh. 830 00:36:23,572 --> 00:36:25,966 And you always make yourself cry. 831 00:36:26,793 --> 00:36:28,838 Why are you so sad, my son? 832 00:36:29,622 --> 00:36:31,624 ♪ Then you understand 833 00:36:32,015 --> 00:36:38,065 ♪ That you're so, so sad... 834 00:36:39,675 --> 00:36:42,243 And what about your wife, sir? 835 00:36:42,287 --> 00:36:43,940 Are you married? 836 00:36:44,550 --> 00:36:46,465 -I'm not married, no. -Ah. 837 00:36:47,683 --> 00:36:49,555 Have you ever been married? 838 00:36:50,164 --> 00:36:51,992 Jerry, It's tough enough 839 00:36:52,035 --> 00:36:53,733 to get along with yourself, let alone with somebody else. 840 00:36:53,776 --> 00:36:54,647 No, I've... 841 00:36:55,474 --> 00:36:56,605 never been married. 842 00:36:58,390 --> 00:36:59,347 That is sad. 843 00:37:00,305 --> 00:37:01,784 A man needs to be married. 844 00:37:02,394 --> 00:37:03,569 Why, to be miserable? 845 00:37:05,092 --> 00:37:09,314 Hm... you have not found the right woman yet, I suppose. 846 00:37:09,792 --> 00:37:11,141 Do they call you Jerry 847 00:37:11,185 --> 00:37:12,578 'cause you're like Jerry Springer? 848 00:37:12,621 --> 00:37:14,406 [Jerry laughs] Who is that? 849 00:37:14,797 --> 00:37:16,625 It's not important. 850 00:37:16,669 --> 00:37:18,584 You know what? Everybody finds their own happiness, Jerry. 851 00:37:18,627 --> 00:37:21,413 I'm happy in my... in my... 852 00:37:23,284 --> 00:37:26,592 [huffs] survival of life. I'm okay. I'm good. 853 00:37:27,984 --> 00:37:29,290 Yes, I understand. 854 00:37:30,117 --> 00:37:32,119 I was very happy with my Sharmila. 855 00:37:34,121 --> 00:37:35,818 She's not with us anymore, but... 856 00:37:36,689 --> 00:37:38,168 I still talk to her every day. 857 00:37:39,648 --> 00:37:41,694 [phone rings] 858 00:37:41,737 --> 00:37:43,435 I have got to take this, Jerry, okay? 859 00:37:43,957 --> 00:37:44,958 [Jerry] Of course, sir. 860 00:37:45,611 --> 00:37:47,265 Hello? 861 00:37:47,308 --> 00:37:49,049 Si... Wha... What the fuck are you doing, Simon? 862 00:37:49,092 --> 00:37:51,573 You know what? I don't know if I want to do this. I... 863 00:37:52,052 --> 00:37:53,967 I don't want to embarrass myself. I... 864 00:37:55,403 --> 00:37:57,797 This is a... I guess this is a big leap for me, 865 00:37:57,840 --> 00:37:58,928 and I don't think I... 866 00:37:59,233 --> 00:38:00,582 I don't think I want to do it. 867 00:38:00,626 --> 00:38:02,149 What are you fucking talking about? 868 00:38:02,192 --> 00:38:03,890 I put my fucking balls on the line for you. 869 00:38:04,804 --> 00:38:06,327 But you told me they wanted me, 870 00:38:06,371 --> 00:38:08,895 why are you telling me that it's your ass? 871 00:38:08,938 --> 00:38:09,896 I don't understand. 872 00:38:09,939 --> 00:38:11,637 Of course they want you! 873 00:38:11,680 --> 00:38:12,986 But I still had to put my fucking balls on the line. 874 00:38:13,029 --> 00:38:14,640 You know, credibility! 875 00:38:14,683 --> 00:38:16,337 I'm the guy who fucking recommended you. 876 00:38:16,381 --> 00:38:17,686 What's the matter with you? They want you! 877 00:38:17,730 --> 00:38:18,861 Stop screaming in my fucking ear. 878 00:38:18,905 --> 00:38:20,385 Don't fucking do this to me. 879 00:38:20,428 --> 00:38:22,125 Don't fucking do this to yourself. 880 00:38:22,169 --> 00:38:23,126 Get over here. What the fuck are you doing? 881 00:38:23,170 --> 00:38:25,172 Okay. [exhales heavily] 882 00:38:26,173 --> 00:38:28,436 Sometimes I feel like I'm married to you, Sally. 883 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,830 Okay. I'll do it. We're on our way. 884 00:38:31,309 --> 00:38:32,962 -Fuck! -[cheers and applause] 885 00:38:35,182 --> 00:38:37,010 [funky jazz] 886 00:38:52,199 --> 00:38:54,157 ♪ There was a moment 887 00:38:55,071 --> 00:38:57,117 ♪ In the past... 888 00:38:58,118 --> 00:39:00,773 - Hey, Simon! -Hey. Did you bring some money? 889 00:39:00,816 --> 00:39:02,252 -[Sal] Of course I did. -Good. 890 00:39:02,601 --> 00:39:04,429 So tonight you know what I'm thinking? 891 00:39:04,472 --> 00:39:06,169 I want you to play the deaf-mute. 892 00:39:07,519 --> 00:39:09,303 I don't want to play the deaf-mute. 893 00:39:09,347 --> 00:39:10,783 You fucked it up already 894 00:39:10,826 --> 00:39:12,524 -at playing the deaf-mute. -[Sal laughs] 895 00:39:13,176 --> 00:39:17,267 [funky jazz] ♪ Why so sad? 896 00:39:18,225 --> 00:39:21,620 ♪ Why so bad? 897 00:39:23,535 --> 00:39:26,538 ♪ Why so sad? 898 00:39:28,627 --> 00:39:32,195 ♪ Times have become so bad 899 00:39:34,676 --> 00:39:37,244 ♪ Why do you do this 900 00:39:38,637 --> 00:39:40,508 ♪ If you just... 901 00:39:42,118 --> 00:39:43,468 Hey, Garry. 902 00:39:43,511 --> 00:39:45,078 [Garry] Hey, Simon, what's going on? 903 00:39:45,121 --> 00:39:46,949 Give me a scotch with a couple of cubes, please. 904 00:39:46,993 --> 00:39:48,037 Sure. 905 00:39:49,299 --> 00:39:52,085 What do you... want to... drink? 906 00:39:56,263 --> 00:39:57,264 You sure? 907 00:39:58,570 --> 00:40:00,223 -Beer, for my buddy. -[Garry] Sure. 908 00:40:02,095 --> 00:40:04,140 -♪ ...such a sad song -[glass clinks] 909 00:40:07,230 --> 00:40:09,145 ♪ One last time... 910 00:40:11,147 --> 00:40:12,105 Good? 911 00:40:14,281 --> 00:40:15,282 How you doing? 912 00:40:17,545 --> 00:40:19,634 [Margaret] I, ah... I speak sign language. 913 00:40:20,418 --> 00:40:22,811 That isn't anything that I recognize. 914 00:40:22,855 --> 00:40:23,899 You know why? 915 00:40:24,422 --> 00:40:26,119 'Cause we're speaking dialect. 916 00:40:27,729 --> 00:40:29,601 Oh.[chuckles] 917 00:40:30,253 --> 00:40:31,211 Ok. 918 00:40:32,517 --> 00:40:33,866 [Margaret laughs] 919 00:40:33,909 --> 00:40:34,954 [jazz music] 920 00:40:40,046 --> 00:40:41,961 This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world. 921 00:40:42,004 --> 00:40:45,312 I love this place. The food is absolutely amazing. 922 00:40:45,878 --> 00:40:47,445 Well, you know why I come here? 923 00:40:47,488 --> 00:40:49,490 The waiter. He's like a father to me. Jack! 924 00:40:50,796 --> 00:40:51,753 Buddy, we're ready. 925 00:40:54,843 --> 00:40:56,454 [Jack] Your favorite wine, Simon? 926 00:40:56,758 --> 00:40:57,629 Absolutely. 927 00:40:58,238 --> 00:41:00,109 It's my favorite restaurant, I... 928 00:41:00,153 --> 00:41:01,981 I come here all the time and I love the waiter. 929 00:41:02,024 --> 00:41:04,592 He's like a... father to me. 930 00:41:04,636 --> 00:41:05,985 Jack? 931 00:41:06,376 --> 00:41:07,856 This is my favorite restaurant in the whole world. 932 00:41:07,900 --> 00:41:09,162 I love this place. 933 00:41:09,858 --> 00:41:11,469 And... the waiter 934 00:41:12,557 --> 00:41:14,515 is like a dad to me. Jack! 935 00:41:15,211 --> 00:41:16,474 We're ready, buddy. 936 00:41:17,649 --> 00:41:18,867 Your favorite wine, Simon? 937 00:41:21,740 --> 00:41:22,697 [pop] 938 00:41:23,481 --> 00:41:25,352 -Miss? -[Margaret] Please. 939 00:41:25,874 --> 00:41:26,832 Thank you. 940 00:41:26,875 --> 00:41:28,529 [wine gurgles] 941 00:41:28,573 --> 00:41:30,531 -Ma'am? -Please. 942 00:41:30,575 --> 00:41:32,141 [wine gurgles] 943 00:41:32,185 --> 00:41:33,578 Pinello! 944 00:41:33,621 --> 00:41:35,188 -You spoil me, Simon. -[glass clinks] 945 00:41:35,231 --> 00:41:36,842 -Miss? -Yes, please. 946 00:41:38,626 --> 00:41:40,759 -[glass clinks] -[wine gurgles] 947 00:41:41,629 --> 00:41:43,022 Do you mind if I order for us? 948 00:41:43,588 --> 00:41:45,328 Ah... nope. Thank you. 949 00:41:45,372 --> 00:41:47,417 We're not going to need the menus. I know exactly... 950 00:41:47,461 --> 00:41:49,724 -Do you mind if I order for us? -Not at all. 951 00:41:49,768 --> 00:41:51,509 -[Simon] Do you mind if I order? -No. 952 00:41:52,205 --> 00:41:54,033 We're going to have the filet mignon, 953 00:41:54,076 --> 00:41:55,251 the lobster tail, 954 00:41:56,035 --> 00:41:57,863 and I want them to make the angel hair... 955 00:41:58,472 --> 00:42:00,822 like they do for me, alla puttanesca. 956 00:42:00,866 --> 00:42:02,563 Please? Thank you. 957 00:42:02,607 --> 00:42:04,522 So we're going to have the filet mignon, 958 00:42:05,261 --> 00:42:06,611 with the lobster. 959 00:42:06,915 --> 00:42:09,091 We'll have the angel hair pasta alla puttanesca. 960 00:42:09,918 --> 00:42:11,180 Ok? Thank you. 961 00:42:11,659 --> 00:42:13,748 We're going to have the filet mignon, 962 00:42:13,792 --> 00:42:15,576 the lobster tail, 963 00:42:15,620 --> 00:42:18,492 and can you make that angel hair alla puttanesca,please? 964 00:42:18,536 --> 00:42:19,798 -Of course. -Thank you. 965 00:42:20,712 --> 00:42:21,582 [glasses clink] 966 00:42:21,626 --> 00:42:22,975 -Cheers. -Cheers. 967 00:42:26,413 --> 00:42:27,632 -Cheers. -Cheers. 968 00:42:27,675 --> 00:42:29,111 Thanks for coming out tonight. 969 00:42:29,155 --> 00:42:30,548 -Thanks for having me. -[clink] 970 00:42:36,728 --> 00:42:37,859 [clink] 971 00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:46,868 Do you mind? I've got to make a quick call outside. 972 00:42:46,912 --> 00:42:48,696 -I'll be right back. -No problem. 973 00:42:48,740 --> 00:42:50,698 I'm going to make a quick call. Do you mind? 974 00:42:50,742 --> 00:42:52,526 Not at all. Take your time. 975 00:42:52,570 --> 00:42:54,484 I gotta make a quick call, if you don't mind. 976 00:42:54,528 --> 00:42:55,616 -Is that ok with you? -Mm-hm. 977 00:42:55,660 --> 00:42:56,617 -Sure. -Be right back. 978 00:42:56,661 --> 00:42:57,618 Everything's good? 979 00:42:57,662 --> 00:42:58,576 -Amazing. -Good. 980 00:42:59,664 --> 00:43:00,665 Give me a sec. 981 00:43:02,318 --> 00:43:03,232 I'll be right back. 982 00:43:05,757 --> 00:43:06,888 Be back in a second. 983 00:43:19,858 --> 00:43:21,511 Is everything alright? 984 00:43:21,555 --> 00:43:23,426 Everything's amazing, but... Jack, where's Simon? 985 00:43:23,470 --> 00:43:25,341 He was making a call. It's been a while... 986 00:43:25,385 --> 00:43:26,734 Is everything alright? 987 00:43:26,778 --> 00:43:28,257 Yes, excellent... 988 00:43:31,826 --> 00:43:33,175 Is everything alright? 989 00:43:33,219 --> 00:43:34,786 Mm, delicious, thank you. 990 00:43:35,569 --> 00:43:36,570 [clink] 991 00:43:40,269 --> 00:43:41,357 Where's Simon? 992 00:43:41,836 --> 00:43:43,011 Is he coming back? 993 00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:44,534 Nah. 994 00:43:48,408 --> 00:43:50,192 [thud] Motherfucker! 995 00:43:50,236 --> 00:43:52,847 [exhales heavily] What a scumbag! 996 00:43:53,935 --> 00:43:55,763 I'll fucking scratch his eyeballs out 997 00:43:55,807 --> 00:43:57,069 the next time I see him! 998 00:43:57,112 --> 00:43:58,331 [inhales sharply] 999 00:44:02,857 --> 00:44:04,642 [smooth jazz] ♪ Look in the mirror 1000 00:44:05,904 --> 00:44:07,079 ♪ I just can't smile 1001 00:44:08,907 --> 00:44:10,909 -[phone rings] -♪ I need to find... 1002 00:44:12,780 --> 00:44:14,303 Simon, you ok? 1003 00:44:14,347 --> 00:44:16,044 Yeah, I'm good. Listen... 1004 00:44:16,784 --> 00:44:19,091 First of all, thank you for the way you take care of me, 1005 00:44:19,134 --> 00:44:20,396 I appreciate it. 1006 00:44:20,440 --> 00:44:21,876 Anything for you. It's ok, Simon. 1007 00:44:22,485 --> 00:44:25,053 That last girl, I think her name was Margaret... 1008 00:44:25,097 --> 00:44:26,228 Yeah. 1009 00:44:26,272 --> 00:44:27,882 How did she take paying the bill? 1010 00:44:28,448 --> 00:44:30,015 [chuckling] Well... 1011 00:44:30,450 --> 00:44:32,452 When she saw the bill, she started laughing. 1012 00:44:40,765 --> 00:44:41,853 Ok... 1013 00:44:45,117 --> 00:44:47,075 Get the fuck outta here. She started laughing? 1014 00:44:47,119 --> 00:44:48,729 Yeah, she was laughing. 1015 00:44:48,773 --> 00:44:50,078 Did she call me any names? 1016 00:44:50,905 --> 00:44:52,472 No. [chuckles] 1017 00:44:53,168 --> 00:44:54,300 Really? 1018 00:44:55,083 --> 00:44:56,519 Ok, thanks buddy. 1019 00:44:56,563 --> 00:44:57,869 I appreciate it. I'll see you soon. 1020 00:44:57,912 --> 00:44:59,653 -Ok? -It's ok. Anything, Simon. 1021 00:45:02,874 --> 00:45:04,397 ♪ You make me a man 1022 00:45:05,790 --> 00:45:07,574 ♪ You make me appreciate 1023 00:45:07,617 --> 00:45:08,706 [phone ringing] 1024 00:45:09,663 --> 00:45:11,056 ♪ Who I am... 1025 00:45:12,144 --> 00:45:13,188 Hello? 1026 00:45:13,711 --> 00:45:15,451 Um... Margaret? 1027 00:45:16,670 --> 00:45:18,324 -[laughing] -It's Simon. 1028 00:45:19,760 --> 00:45:21,719 Wow, ah... 1029 00:45:22,589 --> 00:45:24,286 I'm surprised. 1030 00:45:24,330 --> 00:45:25,984 I honestly didn't think I would hear from you again. 1031 00:45:26,027 --> 00:45:28,247 I really... I'm sorry I had to leave, something... 1032 00:45:28,769 --> 00:45:31,337 came up and I couldn't get out of it, and I apologize. 1033 00:45:31,380 --> 00:45:32,860 Ah-ha. 1034 00:45:32,904 --> 00:45:34,340 I'd like to make it up to you, if possible. 1035 00:45:34,383 --> 00:45:36,342 Could I take you out again? 1036 00:45:36,821 --> 00:45:38,257 [scoffs] 1037 00:45:38,300 --> 00:45:41,042 You... you want me to buy you dinner again? 1038 00:45:42,696 --> 00:45:47,135 No, no. I want to make it up to you, and I got a big... 1039 00:45:47,875 --> 00:45:49,790 I got a big thing going on tonight, 1040 00:45:49,834 --> 00:45:51,705 I'm performing at The Comedy Basement. 1041 00:45:51,749 --> 00:45:55,100 It's being televised on cable. 1042 00:45:56,014 --> 00:45:57,842 And if you come... If you can make it tonight, 1043 00:45:57,885 --> 00:46:00,366 I'd appreciate it, and I'll make it up to you. 1044 00:46:02,498 --> 00:46:03,761 Ah... 1045 00:46:06,198 --> 00:46:08,548 [tsking] Let me think about it. 1046 00:46:09,941 --> 00:46:11,203 -Ok. -[Margaret giggles] 1047 00:46:11,246 --> 00:46:12,857 Sorry about it, really. 1048 00:46:12,900 --> 00:46:14,641 I'm sorry about it, I'll make it up to you. Ok? 1049 00:46:15,294 --> 00:46:16,817 -It's ok. -Try to make it tonight. 1050 00:46:17,905 --> 00:46:18,993 -Ok. -Bye. 1051 00:46:19,472 --> 00:46:20,690 -Bye. -Bye. 1052 00:46:26,871 --> 00:46:28,698 [laughter] 1053 00:46:28,742 --> 00:46:30,439 My daddy's a hillbilly coal miner 1054 00:46:30,483 --> 00:46:32,224 from West by God Virginia. 1055 00:46:32,267 --> 00:46:33,921 So I'm a coal miner's daughter. 1056 00:46:33,965 --> 00:46:35,749 [cheers and applause] 1057 00:46:35,793 --> 00:46:37,490 He was a Marine, 1058 00:46:37,533 --> 00:46:40,145 he was in the United States Marine Corps, so oorah! 1059 00:46:40,580 --> 00:46:42,408 -Yeah! -Oorah! 1060 00:46:42,451 --> 00:46:45,715 My mama, she worked in a church in Durham, North Carolina. 1061 00:46:45,759 --> 00:46:48,457 So naturally, I am a Playboy Playmate. 1062 00:46:48,501 --> 00:46:49,719 [laughter] 1063 00:46:52,418 --> 00:46:54,507 True, I am Miss February... 1064 00:46:54,942 --> 00:46:56,596 [audience applauds] Whoo! 1065 00:46:58,511 --> 00:47:00,165 ...1986. 1066 00:47:00,208 --> 00:47:01,775 [laughter] 1067 00:47:02,558 --> 00:47:03,995 I frickin' hate saying that year, 1068 00:47:04,038 --> 00:47:05,213 it's a dead giveaway. 1069 00:47:06,345 --> 00:47:09,609 I'm old... erish. 1070 00:47:10,828 --> 00:47:13,874 I'm 33 years in Playmate years! Whoo hoo! 1071 00:47:13,918 --> 00:47:15,223 [cheering] 1072 00:47:18,313 --> 00:47:21,708 Any guys here who like to send pictures of their penises 1073 00:47:21,751 --> 00:47:23,579 to prospective dates? 1074 00:47:24,885 --> 00:47:26,713 Good, I'm glad nobody clapped. 1075 00:47:26,756 --> 00:47:28,367 [laughter] 1076 00:47:28,410 --> 00:47:30,325 'Cause I know most of you are liars, 1077 00:47:31,283 --> 00:47:32,806 but at least you have the common sense 1078 00:47:32,850 --> 00:47:34,721 not to admit it in a crowd of people. 1079 00:47:34,764 --> 00:47:36,418 [laughter] 1080 00:47:36,462 --> 00:47:38,856 Not quite sure why a guy would send a penis to a woman. 1081 00:47:38,899 --> 00:47:41,902 Is it like they hope that later during the date 1082 00:47:41,946 --> 00:47:43,338 they can't be impersonated? 1083 00:47:43,382 --> 00:47:45,210 [laughter] 1084 00:47:45,253 --> 00:47:47,908 Like, "Wait a minute, I've seen your penis, 1085 00:47:47,952 --> 00:47:50,128 and that's not your penis!" 1086 00:47:52,434 --> 00:47:54,088 I just don't understand it. 1087 00:47:54,132 --> 00:47:57,352 Women don't go for guys for a penis. 1088 00:47:57,396 --> 00:47:58,353 Am I right, ladies? 1089 00:47:59,702 --> 00:48:02,009 By the time you know the size of a guy's penis, 1090 00:48:02,053 --> 00:48:03,315 you've already committed. 1091 00:48:04,446 --> 00:48:06,144 Any ladies ever looked at a penis and said, 1092 00:48:06,187 --> 00:48:07,493 "Sorry, I'm outta here?" 1093 00:48:10,452 --> 00:48:12,106 I imagine that would be 1094 00:48:12,150 --> 00:48:14,195 not because it's too small, but because it's too big. 1095 00:48:14,239 --> 00:48:16,197 -[laughter] -Ooh! 1096 00:48:16,241 --> 00:48:17,720 Ladies, you like 'em real big? 1097 00:48:18,852 --> 00:48:20,375 Hey, I don't understand that. 1098 00:48:20,419 --> 00:48:22,900 I thought the idea of sex was that it was intimacy. 1099 00:48:22,943 --> 00:48:24,118 Why do you want to have sex with a guy 1100 00:48:24,162 --> 00:48:25,424 who's in the other room? 1101 00:48:29,515 --> 00:48:30,820 Is everything alright, sir? 1102 00:48:30,864 --> 00:48:32,126 [Simon] It's ok, I guess. 1103 00:48:33,606 --> 00:48:36,696 You seemed to get very sober with that telephone call. 1104 00:48:36,739 --> 00:48:38,480 Pardon me? 1105 00:48:38,524 --> 00:48:40,178 Somber, sober, sad. 1106 00:48:40,221 --> 00:48:41,135 For a comedian, 1107 00:48:42,267 --> 00:48:43,572 that doesn't sound good, I don't think. 1108 00:48:44,573 --> 00:48:46,445 [Simon] I'm not sad. I'm just... 1109 00:48:47,881 --> 00:48:49,709 I think I just am... 1110 00:48:50,231 --> 00:48:51,972 got a lot going on in my mind 1111 00:48:52,016 --> 00:48:54,670 'cause I'm performing and there's a lot of pressure, 1112 00:48:54,714 --> 00:48:57,456 'cause five minutes for a comedian are an eternity. 1113 00:48:57,891 --> 00:48:59,980 [Jerry] Hmm... I understand. 1114 00:49:01,982 --> 00:49:04,637 But you are prepared for these five minutes? 1115 00:49:05,725 --> 00:49:06,944 [Simon] Am I prepared? 1116 00:49:08,249 --> 00:49:09,903 Is anybody ever prepared in life? 1117 00:49:10,817 --> 00:49:12,427 I don't know. We'll see. 1118 00:49:12,471 --> 00:49:14,342 I mean, everything is timing. 1119 00:49:14,386 --> 00:49:18,825 Sometimes when you're on stage your timing is bang-on, and... 1120 00:49:20,174 --> 00:49:22,263 you're in the rhythm of the audience and the crowd, 1121 00:49:22,307 --> 00:49:24,048 and sometimes your timing is off, 1122 00:49:24,091 --> 00:49:26,224 and you die a slow death. 1123 00:49:27,486 --> 00:49:30,706 [Jerry] Hmm. Well, I have faith in you, sir. 1124 00:49:33,492 --> 00:49:35,407 What kind of faith are you talking about? 1125 00:49:38,888 --> 00:49:40,107 In my country... 1126 00:49:41,935 --> 00:49:43,632 there's very little reason for faith. 1127 00:49:44,546 --> 00:49:45,852 In this country, 1128 00:49:46,592 --> 00:49:48,072 you have every reason for faith. 1129 00:49:49,073 --> 00:49:49,943 I have faith. 1130 00:49:51,466 --> 00:49:52,511 You have faith? 1131 00:49:53,207 --> 00:49:55,035 I have a gut feeling about you, sir. 1132 00:49:58,256 --> 00:50:00,519 But you don't even know who I am, or what I am. 1133 00:50:00,823 --> 00:50:01,868 [Jerry chuckles] 1134 00:50:03,435 --> 00:50:05,437 You know there's two types of people in the world, right? 1135 00:50:05,480 --> 00:50:08,092 [stutters] What do you mean, two types of people? 1136 00:50:08,962 --> 00:50:10,398 [Simon] There's good souls, 1137 00:50:10,659 --> 00:50:12,357 -and there's assholes. -[Jerry chuckles] 1138 00:50:12,400 --> 00:50:14,707 How do you know I'm a good soul and not an asshole? 1139 00:50:15,925 --> 00:50:17,579 Faith, sir. Faith. 1140 00:50:18,972 --> 00:50:20,539 [laughter] 1141 00:50:20,582 --> 00:50:22,454 [Glen] The dog is cute. Roxy, that's her name. 1142 00:50:22,497 --> 00:50:24,847 We had a little compromise with the dog. 1143 00:50:24,891 --> 00:50:26,414 I wanted to get a male dog 1144 00:50:26,458 --> 00:50:28,329 so we'd have two neutered men in the family. 1145 00:50:28,373 --> 00:50:30,070 [laughter] 1146 00:50:30,114 --> 00:50:32,986 What happened was I took my daughter to see the puppies, 1147 00:50:33,030 --> 00:50:34,770 and she fell in love with a female, 1148 00:50:34,814 --> 00:50:36,729 and she named her Roxy, 1149 00:50:36,772 --> 00:50:41,255 because she has never been to a strip club before. 1150 00:50:41,299 --> 00:50:42,648 [laughter] 1151 00:50:42,691 --> 00:50:44,432 I know, it's such a stripper name! 1152 00:50:44,476 --> 00:50:46,652 If you're a guy, there's a list of names in your head 1153 00:50:46,695 --> 00:50:48,088 and they're not in your head all cutesy, 1154 00:50:48,132 --> 00:50:49,655 [high pitched] it's not like, "Roxy!" 1155 00:50:49,698 --> 00:50:51,874 [low pitched] It's like, "Roxay!" 1156 00:50:52,875 --> 00:50:54,181 "Coming to the dog park 1157 00:50:54,225 --> 00:50:57,489 right now, gentlemen, it's Roxay!" 1158 00:50:57,532 --> 00:50:59,099 [laughter] 1159 00:50:59,143 --> 00:51:01,145 I know, I feel creepy just calling this dog. 1160 00:51:01,188 --> 00:51:04,887 I say, "Roxy! Here girl..." [splutters] 1161 00:51:05,236 --> 00:51:06,628 "Who wants a big bone? 1162 00:51:06,672 --> 00:51:09,153 -Huh? Who wants it?" -[laughter] 1163 00:51:10,458 --> 00:51:12,634 -[Simon] Why are you so happy? -[Jerry laughs] 1164 00:51:13,853 --> 00:51:15,028 Look around you, sir. 1165 00:51:16,203 --> 00:51:17,161 And? 1166 00:51:17,204 --> 00:51:18,292 [Jerry] It is paradise. 1167 00:51:23,819 --> 00:51:25,169 This is paradise to you? 1168 00:51:25,734 --> 00:51:26,735 Very much so. 1169 00:51:30,478 --> 00:51:31,523 Fine. You know what? 1170 00:51:32,306 --> 00:51:34,482 I'll take that into consideration... 1171 00:51:35,527 --> 00:51:36,441 tonight. 1172 00:51:37,572 --> 00:51:40,619 And hopefully give myself a big break. 1173 00:51:43,056 --> 00:51:43,926 Hopefully. 1174 00:51:45,754 --> 00:51:46,625 Have faith, sir. 1175 00:51:48,322 --> 00:51:49,628 You have faith in life? 1176 00:51:51,804 --> 00:51:53,327 [Jerry] I'm grateful every morning. 1177 00:51:56,548 --> 00:51:57,592 For what? 1178 00:51:58,289 --> 00:51:59,333 [Jerry] For who I am. 1179 00:52:00,029 --> 00:52:03,555 For my... happiness, for my children. 1180 00:52:05,383 --> 00:52:06,253 For being alive. 1181 00:52:06,775 --> 00:52:08,081 [Simon] Ok. Nice. 1182 00:52:13,217 --> 00:52:15,132 My father always planned for the future. 1183 00:52:16,959 --> 00:52:18,874 But the future was short-lived for him. 1184 00:52:20,528 --> 00:52:21,660 What are you gonna do? 1185 00:52:23,009 --> 00:52:24,141 [cheers and applause] 1186 00:52:26,143 --> 00:52:28,275 I did a whole bunch of TV shows y'all might know, 1187 00:52:28,319 --> 00:52:31,104 I was on Growing Pains, I was on The Drew Carey Show, 1188 00:52:31,148 --> 00:52:33,193 I played Peaches, his hillbilly neighbor. 1189 00:52:33,237 --> 00:52:34,673 I was on The Golden Girls, 1190 00:52:34,716 --> 00:52:36,762 I was their next door neighbor Ms. Mary. 1191 00:52:37,197 --> 00:52:39,765 Um, I did Beverly Hills 90210, 1192 00:52:39,808 --> 00:52:42,202 I did nine covers of Playboymagazine 1193 00:52:42,246 --> 00:52:43,725 around the world, whoo hoo! 1194 00:52:43,769 --> 00:52:46,119 [whistles and cheers] 1195 00:52:46,163 --> 00:52:47,860 Thank you very much. 1196 00:52:47,903 --> 00:52:49,731 I'd just like everyone to know who I think I used to be. 1197 00:52:49,775 --> 00:52:51,037 [laughter] 1198 00:52:51,820 --> 00:52:53,866 'Cause what I really am is just a small town, 1199 00:52:53,909 --> 00:52:55,650 blue jean wearing, four-wheeler riding, 1200 00:52:55,694 --> 00:52:58,087 hillbilly talking, country music listening, 1201 00:52:58,131 --> 00:52:59,785 tailgate sitting, blowjob giving, 1202 00:52:59,828 --> 00:53:01,613 blue collar boy loving kind of gal. 1203 00:53:01,656 --> 00:53:03,223 [laughter and cheering] 1204 00:53:07,967 --> 00:53:09,273 Most of the people here, 1205 00:53:09,316 --> 00:53:10,970 when a PlayboyPlaymate's speaking, 1206 00:53:11,013 --> 00:53:15,366 it's "wah wah wah, wah wah wah, blowjob giving, 1207 00:53:15,409 --> 00:53:17,237 wah wah wah wah." 1208 00:53:18,499 --> 00:53:21,415 I am sorry that he is not here to... 1209 00:53:22,634 --> 00:53:23,722 attend tonight. 1210 00:53:25,202 --> 00:53:26,072 Me too. 1211 00:53:26,942 --> 00:53:27,813 Me too. 1212 00:53:28,117 --> 00:53:29,336 He was my biggest fan. 1213 00:53:29,989 --> 00:53:33,122 And he stuck by me when I was booed. 1214 00:53:33,775 --> 00:53:34,646 But he is here. 1215 00:53:39,433 --> 00:53:42,958 You have to forgive me, Jerry, for being a little cynical. 1216 00:53:43,002 --> 00:53:45,309 I really, truly, don't want to offend 1217 00:53:45,352 --> 00:53:48,399 what you believe in, in your... culture and your religion, 1218 00:53:48,442 --> 00:53:49,574 but I don't believe in that shit. 1219 00:53:49,617 --> 00:53:50,879 My father had faith, 1220 00:53:52,011 --> 00:53:54,013 so did my mother, and they're both gone. 1221 00:53:55,536 --> 00:53:57,495 Did they have a good life? Were they happy? 1222 00:54:00,019 --> 00:54:01,455 [Simon] Yeah, they were. 1223 00:54:01,499 --> 00:54:02,935 Well, I never saw my father on his deathbed, 1224 00:54:02,978 --> 00:54:05,154 because I didn't have the guts. 1225 00:54:05,198 --> 00:54:07,026 I didn't have the guts. 1226 00:54:07,592 --> 00:54:10,116 But my mother, yes. I was there when... 1227 00:54:10,812 --> 00:54:14,816 she had her last breath of life before they removed the... 1228 00:54:15,817 --> 00:54:17,166 the batteries from her. 1229 00:54:19,473 --> 00:54:20,648 Yeah, she was happy. 1230 00:54:24,391 --> 00:54:26,001 You were there for your mother. 1231 00:54:28,308 --> 00:54:30,571 That is a great blessing. 1232 00:54:33,357 --> 00:54:34,271 I agree. 1233 00:54:35,968 --> 00:54:39,058 I do, Jerry, I agree. I'm happy I was able to say bye to her. 1234 00:54:39,580 --> 00:54:42,844 And I'm disappointed in myself, to be honest with you, 1235 00:54:43,628 --> 00:54:45,630 that I didn't get a chance to say bye to my dad, 1236 00:54:45,673 --> 00:54:47,022 because I'm a fucking coward. 1237 00:54:47,893 --> 00:54:48,937 [Jerry grunts] 1238 00:54:51,375 --> 00:54:53,115 And the whole theory about, 1239 00:54:53,159 --> 00:54:55,466 you know, how black men supposedly are all so well-hung? 1240 00:54:55,944 --> 00:54:58,338 You think about the damage that does to black men 1241 00:54:58,382 --> 00:54:59,557 who are averagely hung? 1242 00:54:59,600 --> 00:55:01,559 [laughter] 1243 00:55:01,602 --> 00:55:04,257 Just think about how they have to walk around 1244 00:55:04,301 --> 00:55:06,694 knowing that one day they'll show their penis 1245 00:55:06,738 --> 00:55:09,175 and it's not going to be 12 inches flaccid. 1246 00:55:09,218 --> 00:55:10,872 [chuckles] 1247 00:55:10,916 --> 00:55:13,005 And just think of how awful they're going to feel 1248 00:55:13,048 --> 00:55:14,920 in comparison to the guys in porn. 1249 00:55:15,399 --> 00:55:18,315 Because that's the only place penises are actually that big. 1250 00:55:19,403 --> 00:55:21,361 Oh, there's a lady here who doubts that? 1251 00:55:21,405 --> 00:55:22,884 [laughter] 1252 00:55:22,928 --> 00:55:24,625 The guy sitting next to her is beaming. 1253 00:55:25,104 --> 00:55:26,366 -[man] Yeah. -Where's your hand? 1254 00:55:26,410 --> 00:55:27,672 Why's it under the table? 1255 00:55:27,715 --> 00:55:29,282 [laughter] 1256 00:55:30,239 --> 00:55:33,721 [Jerry] Let us not be so sad, you are a funny man. 1257 00:55:33,765 --> 00:55:35,462 You're going to perform tonight. 1258 00:55:35,506 --> 00:55:37,986 You are a very funny man. I know it! 1259 00:55:38,422 --> 00:55:40,337 What, are you from Jerry Seinfeld? 1260 00:55:40,380 --> 00:55:41,294 Who? 1261 00:55:42,251 --> 00:55:43,470 [Simon] It doesn't matter. 1262 00:55:44,428 --> 00:55:46,517 I gave you two jokes and you didn't laugh. 1263 00:55:46,560 --> 00:55:47,692 I don't understand it. 1264 00:55:49,911 --> 00:55:50,782 Try another one. 1265 00:55:52,000 --> 00:55:52,958 Nah... 1266 00:55:53,828 --> 00:55:55,090 But thank you, Jerry, 1267 00:55:55,134 --> 00:55:56,396 I really appreciate it, actually. 1268 00:55:58,833 --> 00:56:01,575 I did not want to take an Uber, because, I told my brother 1269 00:56:02,228 --> 00:56:03,795 "They all smell like curry." 1270 00:56:03,838 --> 00:56:05,971 -[Jerry] Hm? -But your car smells brand-new. 1271 00:56:06,014 --> 00:56:07,189 Because it is brand-new! 1272 00:56:08,800 --> 00:56:10,541 Next week, if I pick you up, it will smell like curry, but... 1273 00:56:10,584 --> 00:56:12,673 -[both chuckle] -That's funny. 1274 00:56:14,022 --> 00:56:16,460 At least you're honest... You're a good guy, Jerry! 1275 00:56:16,503 --> 00:56:17,374 Thank you, sir. 1276 00:56:18,636 --> 00:56:19,506 Are we close? 1277 00:56:19,985 --> 00:56:21,682 Three and a half minutes, sir. 1278 00:56:25,164 --> 00:56:26,383 Three and a half minutes. 1279 00:56:26,992 --> 00:56:28,297 [laughter] 1280 00:56:28,341 --> 00:56:29,995 Because I was a Playmate, 1281 00:56:30,038 --> 00:56:31,388 everybody just thinks I knew everything about sex. 1282 00:56:31,431 --> 00:56:32,780 Sex, sex, sex... Nuh-uh! 1283 00:56:34,129 --> 00:56:35,566 I was about to get married, 1284 00:56:35,609 --> 00:56:38,133 I didn't even know how to give a... blowjob! 1285 00:56:38,786 --> 00:56:40,397 And, um, then... 1286 00:56:40,440 --> 00:56:43,051 I couldn't go have that sex talk with my mama, 1287 00:56:43,095 --> 00:56:45,358 'cause she works in a church and it wasn't comfortable. 1288 00:56:45,402 --> 00:56:48,274 So I went to Ms. Mary, Hugh Hefner's secretary. 1289 00:56:48,535 --> 00:56:50,624 Does anybody watch The Girls Next Doorshow? 1290 00:56:50,668 --> 00:56:52,191 -Did y'all know that show? -[all] Yes! 1291 00:56:52,234 --> 00:56:53,845 Ok, you know who Ms. Mary is? 1292 00:56:54,149 --> 00:56:58,240 Mis. Mary was in her 70s when she gave me the sex talk. 1293 00:56:58,284 --> 00:56:59,807 And this is what she said. 1294 00:57:00,286 --> 00:57:02,462 She said: "Honey, you did know that 'blow' 1295 00:57:02,506 --> 00:57:04,464 was just an expression, right? 1296 00:57:04,508 --> 00:57:05,596 [chuckling] 1297 00:57:05,639 --> 00:57:07,032 It should be called 'suck it'." 1298 00:57:07,641 --> 00:57:10,252 [laughter] 1299 00:57:10,775 --> 00:57:12,341 I was doing pretty good. 1300 00:57:12,385 --> 00:57:14,082 [Jeff] I got these nice eyes, decent-size feet, 1301 00:57:14,126 --> 00:57:15,823 and these beautiful, beautiful hands. 1302 00:57:15,867 --> 00:57:17,651 [audience] Whoo! 1303 00:57:17,695 --> 00:57:19,784 What they didn't tell me is that if you're losing your hair, 1304 00:57:20,393 --> 00:57:21,873 none of that other shit matters. 1305 00:57:21,916 --> 00:57:23,440 [laughter] 1306 00:57:26,660 --> 00:57:28,445 I just recently started shaving my head. 1307 00:57:29,576 --> 00:57:32,405 I guess as an act of surrender on behalf of my hair, really. 1308 00:57:33,188 --> 00:57:34,886 It was obviously losing the war to my forehead 1309 00:57:34,929 --> 00:57:36,496 for dominance of my face. 1310 00:57:36,540 --> 00:57:38,367 [laughter] 1311 00:57:38,933 --> 00:57:40,413 The hair put up a great fight. 1312 00:57:40,805 --> 00:57:42,502 But the troops just kept retreating, 1313 00:57:42,546 --> 00:57:44,243 and retreating, and retreating... 1314 00:57:44,286 --> 00:57:45,549 -[laughter] -Yeah. 1315 00:57:47,115 --> 00:57:49,074 And then some of my forehead flanked them from the back. 1316 00:57:49,117 --> 00:57:52,077 [laughter and applause] 1317 00:57:53,818 --> 00:57:55,733 [Jerry] Are there any other famous comedians 1318 00:57:55,776 --> 00:57:57,082 like yourself tonight? 1319 00:57:58,562 --> 00:58:00,259 [Simon] Um, you know what, I'm really bad with names, 1320 00:58:00,302 --> 00:58:02,827 but yes, it's very... 1321 00:58:02,870 --> 00:58:05,830 People much more talented than me, people very famous. 1322 00:58:05,873 --> 00:58:08,354 I'm not famous at all, nobody knows me. 1323 00:58:08,397 --> 00:58:10,095 [Jerry] Oh, then this sounds like 1324 00:58:10,138 --> 00:58:11,662 an excellent opportunity for you. 1325 00:58:13,664 --> 00:58:15,535 Yeah, and I'm actually... 1326 00:58:17,755 --> 00:58:20,279 quite surprised, and trying to understand 1327 00:58:20,322 --> 00:58:22,368 why I have this opportunity, because.... 1328 00:58:22,977 --> 00:58:24,718 I think that I'm kind of... 1329 00:58:24,762 --> 00:58:26,459 Being a little honest with myself, 1330 00:58:27,329 --> 00:58:29,244 I don't believe I deserve this opportunity 1331 00:58:29,288 --> 00:58:30,594 because I've been very lazy. 1332 00:58:33,858 --> 00:58:36,513 [sighs] Opportunity does not come to those who deserve, 1333 00:58:37,165 --> 00:58:39,994 just like bad things happen to those who don't deserve. 1334 00:58:40,691 --> 00:58:43,650 You should just accept it, and not judge it. 1335 00:58:45,347 --> 00:58:47,175 So you're saying go with the flow? 1336 00:58:47,219 --> 00:58:49,787 [Jerry] Well, be grateful for the opportunity. 1337 00:58:52,311 --> 00:58:54,574 And kill! [laughs] 1338 00:58:54,922 --> 00:58:56,097 "Kill?" 1339 00:58:56,141 --> 00:58:57,359 Isn't that what they say? 1340 00:58:58,099 --> 00:59:00,014 [Simon] Yeah, yeah they do, actually. 1341 00:59:01,276 --> 00:59:03,583 I'll do my best, Jerry, I'll do my best. 1342 00:59:05,280 --> 00:59:06,978 [Ed] By the way, did you ever notice 1343 00:59:07,021 --> 00:59:08,849 that there's a lot of jokes you can't tell anymore? 1344 00:59:08,893 --> 00:59:11,548 Things have become so sensitive, there's jokes you can't tell. 1345 00:59:11,591 --> 00:59:14,638 Which, ok, I understand it, we're much more enlightened now. 1346 00:59:15,203 --> 00:59:16,683 But what will we do 1347 00:59:16,727 --> 00:59:18,555 with all those great Newfie and Polish jokes? 1348 00:59:18,598 --> 00:59:20,295 [laughter] 1349 00:59:20,339 --> 00:59:22,167 Who can be targets nowadays? 1350 00:59:22,210 --> 00:59:24,125 So, c'mon, the idea of a submarine 1351 00:59:24,169 --> 00:59:25,953 with a screen door, that's funny! 1352 00:59:27,651 --> 00:59:30,610 The idea of a mission to the sun that lands at night? 1353 00:59:30,654 --> 00:59:31,742 That's funny! 1354 00:59:31,785 --> 00:59:33,265 [laughter] 1355 00:59:33,308 --> 00:59:35,615 But now we can't attach it to any ethnicity. 1356 00:59:35,659 --> 00:59:37,748 What group can we still make fun of? 1357 00:59:37,791 --> 00:59:39,663 I'm thinking there's one group we can still make fun of 1358 00:59:39,706 --> 00:59:41,012 that everybody hates. 1359 00:59:41,055 --> 00:59:42,013 Old people. 1360 00:59:42,056 --> 00:59:43,580 [laughter] 1361 00:59:43,623 --> 00:59:46,539 Am I wrong? Everybody hates old people. 1362 00:59:46,583 --> 00:59:48,236 [laughter] 1363 00:59:48,280 --> 00:59:50,891 And let's face it, old people is your age plus 40. 1364 00:59:51,457 --> 00:59:52,980 [laughter] 1365 00:59:53,024 --> 00:59:54,765 Started losing my hair when I was 19. 1366 00:59:55,113 --> 00:59:57,985 -[audience] Ooh! -Yeah, didn't seem fair at all. 1367 00:59:58,638 --> 01:00:01,380 I went from one day I had to use a fake ID to get into a bar, 1368 01:00:02,163 --> 01:00:04,513 next day I'm getting a senior's discount at Denny's. 1369 01:00:04,557 --> 01:00:06,603 [laughter and applause] 1370 01:00:13,784 --> 01:00:15,829 We're almost there, Mr. Simon. 1371 01:00:16,134 --> 01:00:17,091 Are you rehearsing? 1372 01:00:20,442 --> 01:00:21,400 I never rehearse. 1373 01:00:25,012 --> 01:00:25,883 Never? 1374 01:00:27,406 --> 01:00:28,276 Never. 1375 01:00:29,756 --> 01:00:32,803 [Jerry] Then you must be perfect. [chuckles] 1376 01:00:33,847 --> 01:00:35,632 [Simon] I'm far from being perfect. 1377 01:00:36,154 --> 01:00:37,895 Maybe it's because I don't rehearse. 1378 01:00:39,200 --> 01:00:41,507 [Jerry] I have to rehearse everything I do 1379 01:00:41,550 --> 01:00:43,640 because I want to be perfect. [chuckling] 1380 01:00:44,902 --> 01:00:46,512 [Simon] Maybe that's what I should do. 1381 01:00:48,688 --> 01:00:50,603 Mr. Simon, remember what you said: 1382 01:00:50,647 --> 01:00:54,476 there are two kinds of people, good souls and assholes. 1383 01:00:54,520 --> 01:00:55,652 You are a good soul. 1384 01:00:56,740 --> 01:00:57,654 You think? 1385 01:00:58,611 --> 01:01:00,047 -I know. -You really think? 1386 01:01:01,092 --> 01:01:01,962 I have faith. 1387 01:01:02,006 --> 01:01:03,660 [turning signal] 1388 01:01:07,272 --> 01:01:08,142 Thank you, Jerry. 1389 01:01:09,840 --> 01:01:11,668 That means a lot to me, I appreciate it. 1390 01:01:13,539 --> 01:01:14,671 Maybe that's what I need. 1391 01:01:16,237 --> 01:01:17,412 I need a little faith. 1392 01:01:23,027 --> 01:01:26,726 Actually, I've been doing a lot of shows on cruise ships, 1393 01:01:26,770 --> 01:01:28,989 but that market's kind of dried up now. 1394 01:01:29,947 --> 01:01:30,861 So... 1395 01:01:30,904 --> 01:01:32,732 [laughter] 1396 01:01:32,776 --> 01:01:35,082 My favorite cruise ship thing recently... 1397 01:01:35,126 --> 01:01:37,650 That Italian one that went up on its side. 1398 01:01:37,694 --> 01:01:39,173 [audience] Aw! 1399 01:01:39,217 --> 01:01:41,567 -That captain, "Cap'n Crunch" -[laughter] 1400 01:01:41,610 --> 01:01:44,483 as I like to call him, you know what he did? 1401 01:01:44,526 --> 01:01:48,182 Basically he was trying to wave to a friend of his onshore, 1402 01:01:48,226 --> 01:01:50,663 and basically he did, like, the nautical equivalent 1403 01:01:50,707 --> 01:01:54,319 of buzzing the tower in a small plane, you know? 1404 01:01:54,362 --> 01:01:57,278 And he was off the ship, this guy, he was off the ship, 1405 01:01:57,322 --> 01:01:59,803 before the passengers, before the crew. 1406 01:02:00,194 --> 01:02:01,761 Right? And the excuses! 1407 01:02:01,805 --> 01:02:03,589 "Oh, it was dark! 1408 01:02:03,632 --> 01:02:05,591 It was dark, I fell in the lifeboat. 1409 01:02:05,634 --> 01:02:09,508 It started paddling by itself, I didn't know how to control it. 1410 01:02:09,551 --> 01:02:10,944 I know how to work the big ships, 1411 01:02:10,988 --> 01:02:13,425 these little ones are a mystery to me." 1412 01:02:13,468 --> 01:02:14,948 [laughter] 1413 01:02:17,124 --> 01:02:20,214 "Oh, I was just testing out, I was testing out the lifeboat 1414 01:02:20,258 --> 01:02:22,826 to make sure it was safe for the other passengers." 1415 01:02:22,869 --> 01:02:24,479 [laughter] 1416 01:02:24,523 --> 01:02:27,308 And I say, good thing this happened in Italy. 1417 01:02:27,352 --> 01:02:29,963 Right? Off the coast of Italy. 1418 01:02:30,398 --> 01:02:32,444 Because anywhere else in the world, 1419 01:02:32,487 --> 01:02:34,272 [mimics Italian accent] "Me no speaking English! 1420 01:02:34,315 --> 01:02:36,927 Boat go boom boom, she sink! I don't know what happened! 1421 01:02:36,970 --> 01:02:39,799 I'm just a guy standing here, boat sink over there! 1422 01:02:39,843 --> 01:02:42,149 Don't look at me, I'm standing here all day 1423 01:02:42,193 --> 01:02:44,804 minding my own business, boat sink over there. 1424 01:02:44,848 --> 01:02:46,980 Somebody help those people! Ahh! 1425 01:02:47,024 --> 01:02:48,982 Who put this uniform on me? 1426 01:02:49,026 --> 01:02:50,592 This is not my uniform! 1427 01:02:50,636 --> 01:02:53,508 I fell asleep, a man put a hat on my head..." 1428 01:02:57,382 --> 01:02:59,776 We're almost there, sir. I'm very excited for you. 1429 01:03:01,952 --> 01:03:03,170 I think I am too, now. 1430 01:03:03,867 --> 01:03:04,998 [Jerry chuckles] 1431 01:03:05,042 --> 01:03:06,217 [Simon] Thank you, Jerry. 1432 01:03:08,132 --> 01:03:09,176 Appreciate it. 1433 01:03:12,353 --> 01:03:13,441 On the house, sir. 1434 01:03:17,968 --> 01:03:20,797 Life is a series of moments. 1435 01:03:21,362 --> 01:03:23,625 And hopefully we will see each other again. 1436 01:03:23,669 --> 01:03:25,105 We may not, but if we do, 1437 01:03:25,540 --> 01:03:28,282 then that will be a sign of friendship. 1438 01:03:28,979 --> 01:03:31,024 And... another moment. 1439 01:03:32,460 --> 01:03:34,375 [Simon] You're very philosophical, there, Jerry. 1440 01:03:34,419 --> 01:03:35,855 But... you know what? 1441 01:03:37,161 --> 01:03:39,032 If I see you again, it'd be... 1442 01:03:40,512 --> 01:03:43,254 my honor and my pleasure to call you my friend. 1443 01:03:45,909 --> 01:03:47,824 You see? I am grateful. 1444 01:03:50,043 --> 01:03:54,265 You know Jerry, ironically, it is me who is grateful. 1445 01:03:54,308 --> 01:03:57,181 And usually I'm always the one that's ungrateful. 1446 01:03:57,572 --> 01:03:59,226 And I just realized something... 1447 01:04:00,662 --> 01:04:01,925 That I was very ungrateful 1448 01:04:03,100 --> 01:04:05,058 for a lot of great things in my life 1449 01:04:05,102 --> 01:04:06,494 to a lot of great people. 1450 01:04:07,887 --> 01:04:09,236 Thank you for that, Jerry. 1451 01:04:10,759 --> 01:04:11,848 No charge, sir. 1452 01:04:13,501 --> 01:04:14,589 No charge. 1453 01:04:16,983 --> 01:04:18,680 [smooth jazz] 1454 01:04:19,290 --> 01:04:23,381 ♪ Then one morning You looked into the mirror ♪ 1455 01:04:23,772 --> 01:04:27,602 ♪ And you noticed All the years of fear... ♪ 1456 01:04:29,866 --> 01:04:31,476 [Jerry] We are friends, now. 1457 01:04:31,519 --> 01:04:32,869 You need some sugar. 1458 01:04:32,912 --> 01:04:35,088 Give me a good luck hug! [hearty laughter] 1459 01:04:35,784 --> 01:04:40,398 ♪ That's something I'll never know ♪ 1460 01:04:41,181 --> 01:04:45,490 ♪ The last thing I remember I said hello ♪ 1461 01:04:46,970 --> 01:04:50,799 ♪ Where did my time go? 1462 01:04:50,843 --> 01:04:52,410 [applause] 1463 01:04:52,453 --> 01:04:56,240 -♪ Please slow it down -[cheering] 1464 01:04:57,937 --> 01:05:01,593 ♪ Help me keep my feet On the ground... ♪ 1465 01:05:05,205 --> 01:05:07,512 -[Julie indistinct] -[cheers] 1466 01:05:09,688 --> 01:05:11,995 [grunts] The fuck, were you waiting there? 1467 01:05:12,038 --> 01:05:13,953 What's the matter with you? I thought you were dead! 1468 01:05:13,997 --> 01:05:15,868 -What do you mean, "dead"? -That you weren't coming. 1469 01:05:15,912 --> 01:05:17,304 -I told you I was. -[cheers] 1470 01:05:17,348 --> 01:05:19,350 I know. Hang on, listen, you're going last. 1471 01:05:19,393 --> 01:05:21,569 I don't wanna go last, that's a lot of pressure. 1472 01:05:21,613 --> 01:05:23,049 I know, but it's the best spot. 1473 01:05:23,093 --> 01:05:25,573 You'll be phenomenal. You're going last. 1474 01:05:26,705 --> 01:05:28,707 -That's Joseph Rogers. -Yeah, don't... 1475 01:05:28,750 --> 01:05:31,144 -Let me ask him a question. -Look, Simon, Simon... 1476 01:05:31,188 --> 01:05:33,277 -Excuse me, Joseph? -[cheers and applause] 1477 01:05:34,626 --> 01:05:35,496 Mr. Rogers. 1478 01:05:39,674 --> 01:05:42,199 Mr. Rogers, can I just ask you a question? Please? 1479 01:05:43,504 --> 01:05:45,158 [sighs] What? 1480 01:05:45,767 --> 01:05:47,030 You've been writing a column 1481 01:05:47,073 --> 01:05:48,683 for as long as I've been doing this, 1482 01:05:49,293 --> 01:05:51,599 how come you've never written anything about me? 1483 01:05:52,687 --> 01:05:54,733 'Cause I only write about comedians. 1484 01:05:59,085 --> 01:06:00,521 [cheering] 1485 01:06:03,481 --> 01:06:06,266 I got a few beauty tips for the girls. 1486 01:06:06,310 --> 01:06:08,660 Listen, instead of getting Botox in your forehead 1487 01:06:08,703 --> 01:06:10,575 like all the pinup gals do, 1488 01:06:10,618 --> 01:06:12,664 um, I recommend bangs. 1489 01:06:12,707 --> 01:06:14,231 [laughter] 1490 01:06:14,274 --> 01:06:16,624 It's a whole lot cheaper and a lot less painful. 1491 01:06:18,800 --> 01:06:20,585 [Ed indistinct in background] 1492 01:06:20,628 --> 01:06:22,848 -You know me? -[Mike] I know who you are. 1493 01:06:23,153 --> 01:06:24,893 Means a lot to me. Thanks, appreciate it. 1494 01:06:24,937 --> 01:06:27,026 Don't worry about it now. You have a great show tonight. 1495 01:06:27,070 --> 01:06:28,027 Thank you, Mr. Marino. 1496 01:06:28,071 --> 01:06:29,594 -Kill 'em. -Thanks. 1497 01:06:31,074 --> 01:06:32,336 [applause] 1498 01:06:35,078 --> 01:06:37,036 I'm not the sock, I'm nobody's puppet, 1499 01:06:37,080 --> 01:06:38,298 don't you be either. 1500 01:06:38,342 --> 01:06:39,821 [laughter and applause] 1501 01:06:41,084 --> 01:06:42,215 Thank you! 1502 01:06:42,781 --> 01:06:46,002 Aww! My time is up! 1503 01:06:46,045 --> 01:06:48,047 Give it up for Julie McCollough, everybody! 1504 01:06:48,482 --> 01:06:51,485 Thank y'all very much! Thank you for having me! 1505 01:06:53,183 --> 01:06:55,098 Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen. 1506 01:06:56,273 --> 01:06:58,057 Have yourselves a great evening. 1507 01:06:59,537 --> 01:07:01,017 [Freddy] Give it up for him! 1508 01:07:02,888 --> 01:07:05,151 What a great crowd! I love you! [smack] 1509 01:07:06,892 --> 01:07:10,200 Enjoy yourselves. Thank you. Thank you, thank you so much. 1510 01:07:10,504 --> 01:07:12,332 Thank you very much, have a good night. 1511 01:07:13,594 --> 01:07:15,074 [cheering] 1512 01:07:17,555 --> 01:07:18,817 Ladies and gentlemen, 1513 01:07:19,252 --> 01:07:20,688 this man, once he retired 1514 01:07:20,732 --> 01:07:22,168 from quarterbacking the Miami Dolphins 1515 01:07:22,212 --> 01:07:23,778 decided to become a comedian, 1516 01:07:23,822 --> 01:07:26,868 please welcome the very, very funny Mike Marino! 1517 01:07:26,912 --> 01:07:29,088 [cheers and applause] 1518 01:07:29,132 --> 01:07:30,959 Come on folks, make some noise! 1519 01:07:33,136 --> 01:07:34,050 Come on, let's go! 1520 01:07:39,272 --> 01:07:40,621 Thanks, appreciate it. 1521 01:07:41,231 --> 01:07:42,580 Hey folks, one more time 1522 01:07:42,623 --> 01:07:43,885 for all these great entertainers. 1523 01:07:43,929 --> 01:07:45,409 Come on, ain't they fantastic? 1524 01:07:45,452 --> 01:07:46,845 [cheering] 1525 01:07:49,152 --> 01:07:51,067 Thank you so much for letting me come over. 1526 01:07:51,110 --> 01:07:53,417 It's fantastic, I'm very happy to be here. 1527 01:07:53,460 --> 01:07:55,114 My name is Mike Marino, I'm Italian, 1528 01:07:55,158 --> 01:07:58,161 I'm from a small place in Italy called New Jersey. 1529 01:07:58,204 --> 01:08:00,424 [laughter] 1530 01:08:00,467 --> 01:08:02,078 Yeah, make sure you laugh at what I say, 1531 01:08:02,121 --> 01:08:04,732 I ain't even a comedian, this is community service. 1532 01:08:06,517 --> 01:08:07,866 I like being Italian. 1533 01:08:07,909 --> 01:08:09,215 Growing up, a lot of people never believed 1534 01:08:09,259 --> 01:08:10,869 that I came from an Italian family 1535 01:08:10,912 --> 01:08:13,045 'cause I'm light skinned and have blue eyes. 1536 01:08:13,089 --> 01:08:15,134 Tell you people in this room right now, full-blood Italian, 1537 01:08:15,178 --> 01:08:17,658 both my parents born in Italy. And I can prove that. 1538 01:08:18,181 --> 01:08:20,531 [laughter] 1539 01:08:20,574 --> 01:08:22,533 I'm 55 years old, 1540 01:08:22,576 --> 01:08:24,535 and I still live at home with my ma. 1541 01:08:24,578 --> 01:08:26,841 [laughter and applause] 1542 01:08:31,498 --> 01:08:33,805 Don't worry about it, I see it in your face. 1543 01:08:33,848 --> 01:08:36,329 You're gonna have a good set, don't worry about it. 1544 01:08:36,938 --> 01:08:38,114 -Alright? -Thanks. 1545 01:08:38,157 --> 01:08:40,638 [Mike indistinct] 1546 01:08:40,681 --> 01:08:42,118 Get 'em! Break a leg! 1547 01:08:43,249 --> 01:08:44,903 [laughter] 1548 01:08:46,426 --> 01:08:47,993 We think we need to involve Italian people 1549 01:08:48,036 --> 01:08:49,560 in more things in this world, we wouldn't have 1550 01:08:49,603 --> 01:08:51,257 half the problems we've got, right? 1551 01:08:51,301 --> 01:08:53,041 -[audience] Yeah! -Think about it. 1552 01:08:53,085 --> 01:08:55,218 I don't like what the president is doing in the U.S. 1553 01:08:55,261 --> 01:08:56,828 We need a nice, Italian president 1554 01:08:56,871 --> 01:08:58,351 from New Jersey to take over. 1555 01:08:58,395 --> 01:09:00,484 -[audience] Yeah! -I'd make a great president. 1556 01:09:01,311 --> 01:09:02,834 I was running for a year and a half, 1557 01:09:02,877 --> 01:09:04,705 I shoulda been in there, I woulda been perfect. 1558 01:09:04,749 --> 01:09:07,708 "Make America Italian Again," that's the slogan. 1559 01:09:10,494 --> 01:09:11,669 That's right. 1560 01:09:12,452 --> 01:09:13,932 I had great ideas. 1561 01:09:13,975 --> 01:09:15,542 I wouldn't have even needed four years. 1562 01:09:15,586 --> 01:09:16,848 Three months, straighten out the whole country. 1563 01:09:16,891 --> 01:09:18,371 Done, perfect. 1564 01:09:18,415 --> 01:09:20,025 They'd ask me questions, 1565 01:09:20,068 --> 01:09:22,419 like how did I end wars in foreign countries. 1566 01:09:22,462 --> 01:09:24,377 "Hey Mr. President, you took care 1567 01:09:24,421 --> 01:09:27,119 of that problem in North Korea, can you tell us what you did?" 1568 01:09:27,163 --> 01:09:28,816 I'd be on national television 1569 01:09:28,860 --> 01:09:30,470 dressed up in a three-piece suit, 1570 01:09:30,514 --> 01:09:32,994 but I have my Cabinet behind me, you know my Cabinet? 1571 01:09:33,038 --> 01:09:35,606 Anthony, Nicky, Joey, Sally, Tony... 1572 01:09:36,911 --> 01:09:38,565 Like, "Mr. President, what happened?" 1573 01:09:38,609 --> 01:09:41,351 I'd be like, "Oh, you mean out there in North Korea, 1574 01:09:41,394 --> 01:09:42,743 with the guy and the thing? 1575 01:09:43,266 --> 01:09:44,658 [laughter] 1576 01:09:44,702 --> 01:09:46,051 Well, here's what happened. 1577 01:09:46,486 --> 01:09:49,185 We went out there to talk to him, and then, uh... 1578 01:09:50,316 --> 01:09:51,709 I don't know what happened." 1579 01:09:51,752 --> 01:09:53,101 [laughter and applause] 1580 01:09:53,450 --> 01:09:54,494 Yeah. 1581 01:09:57,410 --> 01:09:58,629 "But he's gone now. 1582 01:09:59,195 --> 01:10:01,066 And there's nothing you can do about it." 1583 01:10:01,109 --> 01:10:03,111 [laughter] 1584 01:10:03,155 --> 01:10:04,765 I always wanted to be on television 1585 01:10:04,809 --> 01:10:06,289 during the debates. 1586 01:10:06,332 --> 01:10:08,073 'Cause if you remember during the debates, 1587 01:10:08,116 --> 01:10:09,553 they made fun of each other on national television, 1588 01:10:09,596 --> 01:10:11,119 and you don't do that shit. 1589 01:10:11,163 --> 01:10:12,556 That shows weakness in foreign countries. 1590 01:10:12,599 --> 01:10:14,558 Imagine them making fun of a guy like me. 1591 01:10:15,080 --> 01:10:17,300 Then the Master of Ceremonies looks at me and says, 1592 01:10:17,343 --> 01:10:19,258 "Mr. Marino, Clinton and Trump just made fun of you 1593 01:10:19,302 --> 01:10:22,174 on national television. Would you like a rebuttal?" 1594 01:10:23,044 --> 01:10:24,176 I'd say, "Yes I would! 1595 01:10:25,221 --> 01:10:26,831 Go to a commercial break." 1596 01:10:26,874 --> 01:10:28,398 [laughter] 1597 01:10:29,442 --> 01:10:30,835 Then we come back from break, 1598 01:10:30,878 --> 01:10:32,619 you can't find either of them anywhere. 1599 01:10:32,663 --> 01:10:34,273 [audience] Ooh! 1600 01:10:34,317 --> 01:10:35,796 [Mike] Then they look at me and go, "What happened?" 1601 01:10:35,840 --> 01:10:37,929 I'm like, "Ah... I don't know what happened." 1602 01:10:37,972 --> 01:10:38,930 [laughter] 1603 01:10:43,021 --> 01:10:44,631 "But they're gone now, 1604 01:10:44,675 --> 01:10:46,546 and there's nothing you can do about it." 1605 01:10:47,808 --> 01:10:48,940 [cheers and applause] 1606 01:10:49,549 --> 01:10:50,507 C'mon, people. 1607 01:10:56,208 --> 01:10:57,949 -[Mike continues indistinct] -It's ok. 1608 01:10:58,602 --> 01:10:59,559 It's ok. 1609 01:11:00,865 --> 01:11:02,258 We know you want to be a comedian. 1610 01:11:03,346 --> 01:11:05,130 And you're talented. You're funny. 1611 01:11:05,696 --> 01:11:09,047 You are a funny man, you're going to perform tonight. 1612 01:11:09,090 --> 01:11:11,310 You are a very funny man. I know it! 1613 01:11:11,876 --> 01:11:14,182 [laughter] 1614 01:11:14,226 --> 01:11:17,403 Folks, I actually just came back from doing a USO comedy tour. 1615 01:11:17,447 --> 01:11:20,232 I went to Afghanistan, Baghdad, Kuwait. 1616 01:11:20,276 --> 01:11:21,842 I went to go entertain the troops. 1617 01:11:22,365 --> 01:11:23,322 Right? 1618 01:11:25,498 --> 01:11:26,847 Now, if you guys remember, 1619 01:11:26,891 --> 01:11:28,675 when we first went to war out there, 1620 01:11:28,719 --> 01:11:29,981 France didn't want to help America. 1621 01:11:30,024 --> 01:11:31,025 Y'all remember that? 1622 01:11:31,374 --> 01:11:33,158 France didn't want to help America. 1623 01:11:33,201 --> 01:11:35,639 So I told the troops if I ran the country 1624 01:11:35,682 --> 01:11:37,510 and France didn't want to help America, 1625 01:11:37,554 --> 01:11:39,991 I'd cut the head off the Statue of Liberty 1626 01:11:40,034 --> 01:11:41,993 and send it back to France as a warning. 1627 01:11:42,298 --> 01:11:44,865 [laughter] 1628 01:11:44,909 --> 01:11:47,041 People, don't make me paint a picture for you. 1629 01:11:47,085 --> 01:11:48,565 Imagine the French ambassador 1630 01:11:48,608 --> 01:11:50,131 seeing the head of the Statue of Liberty 1631 01:11:50,175 --> 01:11:51,916 come floating back in on a boat. 1632 01:11:53,134 --> 01:11:54,788 Ok, but there's no body parts, 1633 01:11:54,832 --> 01:11:57,443 just a head all fucked up with an icepick in the eye. 1634 01:11:57,487 --> 01:11:58,966 [laughter] 1635 01:11:59,010 --> 01:12:00,577 That's sending a message. 1636 01:12:00,620 --> 01:12:02,143 [audience] Oh! 1637 01:12:02,187 --> 01:12:03,884 C'mon you wanna talk about discrimination? 1638 01:12:03,928 --> 01:12:06,191 Whenever the Italians are on television or movies, 1639 01:12:06,234 --> 01:12:07,584 what do they make us play? 1640 01:12:08,019 --> 01:12:09,542 -[audience] Mob. -Mafia, right? 1641 01:12:09,586 --> 01:12:11,457 That's discrimination against the Italians. 1642 01:12:11,501 --> 01:12:14,330 And all I ever wanted to play was a mob boss in a mob movie 1643 01:12:14,373 --> 01:12:16,593 and I've been in two of 'em, and in both of them 1644 01:12:16,636 --> 01:12:18,769 I was the Irish cop that got whacked 1645 01:12:18,812 --> 01:12:20,074 in the first 60 seconds. 1646 01:12:20,118 --> 01:12:21,511 [laughter] 1647 01:12:23,774 --> 01:12:25,384 Get the Italians are on some better shows. 1648 01:12:25,428 --> 01:12:27,038 You know, more educational type shows 1649 01:12:27,081 --> 01:12:28,039 for the children. 1650 01:12:29,040 --> 01:12:30,563 -Yeah. -Yeah. 1651 01:12:30,607 --> 01:12:31,869 You guys remember the movie The Sixth Sense? 1652 01:12:31,912 --> 01:12:33,523 -Yeah! -Yeah! 1653 01:12:33,566 --> 01:12:35,438 That would be a good place for an Italian actor. 1654 01:12:35,481 --> 01:12:37,918 Because then that little boy would've been considered a rat. 1655 01:12:38,223 --> 01:12:39,398 [laughter] 1656 01:12:40,878 --> 01:12:43,097 Think about it, he woulda went, "I see dead people!" 1657 01:12:43,141 --> 01:12:44,403 Guy woulda said, "Shut the fuck up. 1658 01:12:44,447 --> 01:12:45,665 You don't see nobody. 1659 01:12:45,709 --> 01:12:46,840 [laughter] 1660 01:12:46,884 --> 01:12:48,102 We buried them good. 1661 01:12:49,060 --> 01:12:51,018 Next dead person you gonna see gonna be you. 1662 01:12:51,062 --> 01:12:52,368 Now go look for yourself." 1663 01:12:52,411 --> 01:12:53,847 -[laughter] -[audience] Ohh! 1664 01:12:55,545 --> 01:12:58,591 [Mike] And naturally you people know most of the craziest trials 1665 01:12:58,635 --> 01:13:00,767 come out of California. Don't they, folks? 1666 01:13:00,811 --> 01:13:03,030 You see the trials that come out of California: 1667 01:13:03,074 --> 01:13:06,251 O.J. Simpson, Laci Peterson, Robert Blake... 1668 01:13:06,294 --> 01:13:07,861 Even the whole Michael Jackson trial 1669 01:13:07,905 --> 01:13:09,776 to me was like a California event. 1670 01:13:10,124 --> 01:13:11,909 'Cause I always tell the people there 1671 01:13:11,952 --> 01:13:13,606 if they ever killed anybody from New York or New Jersey, 1672 01:13:13,650 --> 01:13:15,782 that shit never would've made it to a trial. 1673 01:13:16,174 --> 01:13:18,002 [audience] Ooh! 1674 01:13:18,045 --> 01:13:19,960 C'mon people, don't make me paint a picture for you here. 1675 01:13:20,961 --> 01:13:24,487 Imagine if O.J. Simpson killed someone from an Italian family. 1676 01:13:25,009 --> 01:13:27,315 That judge woulda asked the family one time, 1677 01:13:27,359 --> 01:13:30,406 "Does the family wish to press charges?" 1678 01:13:30,928 --> 01:13:32,669 Family woulda went, "Ha ha ha... 1679 01:13:34,192 --> 01:13:35,149 No. 1680 01:13:36,107 --> 01:13:37,369 Let him go." 1681 01:13:37,978 --> 01:13:39,502 Yeah, "We forgive him. 1682 01:13:40,720 --> 01:13:43,767 Better yet, judge, we'll drive him home from here. 1683 01:13:43,810 --> 01:13:45,638 [laughter] 1684 01:13:45,682 --> 01:13:49,033 Vinny! Get the bat, O.J. is coming over." 1685 01:13:49,860 --> 01:13:51,731 That's my time, you guys have been a great crowd. 1686 01:13:51,775 --> 01:13:53,080 -I'm Mike Marino. -[cheering] 1687 01:13:53,124 --> 01:13:54,473 Thank you very much, folks. 1688 01:13:55,082 --> 01:13:56,693 -Thank you, buddy. -Appreciate it. 1689 01:13:56,736 --> 01:13:58,129 Mike Marino, everybody! 1690 01:14:03,874 --> 01:14:05,179 Mike Marino! 1691 01:14:07,704 --> 01:14:09,314 Mike Marino, ladies and gentlemen. 1692 01:14:09,357 --> 01:14:11,577 That man is going places. Is he funny or what? 1693 01:14:11,621 --> 01:14:12,578 [all] Yeah! 1694 01:14:14,798 --> 01:14:15,973 Alright, now... 1695 01:14:17,540 --> 01:14:19,977 Now I have to tell you that this last guest 1696 01:14:21,108 --> 01:14:22,893 warms my heart, that I have the opportunity 1697 01:14:22,936 --> 01:14:25,025 to be on this stage in my own place 1698 01:14:25,069 --> 01:14:26,418 and do this introduction. 1699 01:14:27,027 --> 01:14:30,204 Ladies and gentlemen, in his Basement debut, 1700 01:14:30,248 --> 01:14:33,251 my personal friend Simon McCabe. 1701 01:14:33,294 --> 01:14:34,470 Give it up for Simon! 1702 01:14:34,513 --> 01:14:36,080 [cheering] 1703 01:14:41,389 --> 01:14:42,478 Simon! 1704 01:14:54,707 --> 01:14:56,927 Thank you very much, it's very kind of you. 1705 01:14:56,970 --> 01:14:59,320 So, ladies and gentlemen, if you were to win the lottery, 1706 01:14:59,364 --> 01:15:00,670 or you make a lot of money, 1707 01:15:00,713 --> 01:15:02,410 what's the first thing you're gonna do? 1708 01:15:02,454 --> 01:15:03,586 You're gonna buy a car. 1709 01:15:04,978 --> 01:15:06,806 A nice car if you're a guy, right? 1710 01:15:07,328 --> 01:15:09,156 So this penguin wins a million dollars... 1711 01:15:09,200 --> 01:15:10,593 [laughter] 1712 01:15:11,724 --> 01:15:14,640 ...and he buys a brand new 2018 Camaro. 1713 01:15:14,684 --> 01:15:16,555 It's gorgeous, it's beautiful. 1714 01:15:16,599 --> 01:15:17,904 He loves this car. 1715 01:15:17,948 --> 01:15:19,427 So he's driving on a highway, 1716 01:15:19,471 --> 01:15:21,517 and he hears a knock on the engine. 1717 01:15:21,560 --> 01:15:23,301 It's about 11:55 a.m. 1718 01:15:23,780 --> 01:15:27,261 So he goes to a GM dealership, which was right off the highway. 1719 01:15:27,305 --> 01:15:29,002 And he goes, "Listen... 1720 01:15:29,568 --> 01:15:30,700 [laughter] 1721 01:15:34,007 --> 01:15:35,792 ...there's a knock on the fucking engine. 1722 01:15:35,835 --> 01:15:38,751 I love this car. I love it, it's my first serious car." 1723 01:15:38,795 --> 01:15:40,797 So the service advisor says, 1724 01:15:40,840 --> 01:15:42,712 "Listen, it's 11:55, it's a union shop, 1725 01:15:43,190 --> 01:15:44,931 everybody goes to lunch at twelve o'clock. 1726 01:15:44,975 --> 01:15:46,933 There's a Dairy Queen across the street, go over there. 1727 01:15:46,977 --> 01:15:49,762 Get yourself an ice cream. After lunch we'll look at it." 1728 01:15:50,458 --> 01:15:51,416 Penguin goes, "Ok." 1729 01:15:52,112 --> 01:15:53,592 [laughter] 1730 01:15:53,636 --> 01:15:55,638 Goes across, one o'clock he shuffles back, 1731 01:15:55,681 --> 01:15:57,944 he's got this triple-decker vanilla ice cream. 1732 01:15:59,293 --> 01:16:00,338 Goes to the guy, 1733 01:16:01,600 --> 01:16:03,167 "Did you get a chance to look at my car?" 1734 01:16:03,210 --> 01:16:04,951 Goes, "Yeah, it looks like you blew a seal." 1735 01:16:04,995 --> 01:16:07,214 He goes "Fuck you! All I'm doing is licking the ice cream." 1736 01:16:10,522 --> 01:16:11,871 Thank you. You're very kind. 1737 01:16:18,878 --> 01:16:21,054 So a friend of mine... 1738 01:16:21,098 --> 01:16:22,621 Any dog people? You guys like dogs? 1739 01:16:22,665 --> 01:16:24,057 -Yeah! -Yes. 1740 01:16:24,492 --> 01:16:26,016 You can tell a lot about a human being 1741 01:16:26,059 --> 01:16:27,408 if they're a dog guy. 1742 01:16:27,452 --> 01:16:28,758 But some people get carried away, 1743 01:16:28,801 --> 01:16:30,368 everybody thinks their dog's the smartest. 1744 01:16:30,411 --> 01:16:31,674 They post them on Facebook... 1745 01:16:31,717 --> 01:16:33,632 But this guy took his dog everywhere. 1746 01:16:33,676 --> 01:16:34,894 So he's in a bar and his friend goes, 1747 01:16:34,938 --> 01:16:36,592 "You know, it's a little weird 1748 01:16:36,635 --> 01:16:37,897 that you go everywhere with your dog." 1749 01:16:37,941 --> 01:16:40,421 He goes, "My dog is a fucking genius. 1750 01:16:40,770 --> 01:16:42,641 My dog can do anything." 1751 01:16:42,685 --> 01:16:44,556 The guy goes "Really?" Guy goes, "Watch this. Rover, come here. 1752 01:16:44,600 --> 01:16:46,036 Go get me a gin and tonic." 1753 01:16:46,079 --> 01:16:47,820 [pants] "Alright." Dog goes to the bar... 1754 01:16:50,127 --> 01:16:51,824 [chuckling] 1755 01:16:52,738 --> 01:16:54,261 He goes, "What are you drinking?" 1756 01:16:54,305 --> 01:16:56,437 "Very dry martini, dirty, with one olive." 1757 01:16:56,481 --> 01:16:59,397 "Rover, dry martini, dirty with one olive." 1758 01:16:59,440 --> 01:17:00,572 [pants] "Alright." 1759 01:17:00,616 --> 01:17:02,487 [laughter] 1760 01:17:05,708 --> 01:17:08,667 So guy says, "Big fuck. Your dog knows how to make drinks." 1761 01:17:08,711 --> 01:17:10,626 He goes, "My dog's a genius, he can do anything." 1762 01:17:10,669 --> 01:17:11,757 He goes, "Let's put him to the test. 1763 01:17:11,801 --> 01:17:13,193 I'll give him 20 dollars, 1764 01:17:13,498 --> 01:17:16,414 tell him to get me a small Marlborough. 1765 01:17:17,241 --> 01:17:19,896 Regular. And bring me back the exact change." 1766 01:17:20,200 --> 01:17:21,767 "Rover, 20 bucks, 1767 01:17:22,420 --> 01:17:24,335 small Marlborough, regular. 1768 01:17:24,378 --> 01:17:25,684 Bring back the change." 1769 01:17:25,728 --> 01:17:27,120 [pants] "Alright". Dog leaves. 1770 01:17:28,731 --> 01:17:30,646 Fifteen minutes, twenty minutes goes by, 1771 01:17:30,689 --> 01:17:33,213 guy goes, "You know what? Your dog's fucked, 1772 01:17:33,257 --> 01:17:35,694 he's stupid, he's just a dog, and I lost 20 bucks." 1773 01:17:35,738 --> 01:17:37,565 He goes, "No way. Something's wrong. 1774 01:17:37,609 --> 01:17:39,176 My dog wouldn't do this." 1775 01:17:39,219 --> 01:17:40,786 So they go looking for him all over the place. 1776 01:17:40,830 --> 01:17:42,440 Finally get to a park... 1777 01:17:42,483 --> 01:17:44,268 "Rover, Rover!" They looked and there's Rover 1778 01:17:44,311 --> 01:17:46,357 banging the hell out of this French poodle. 1779 01:17:46,400 --> 01:17:47,837 [laughter] 1780 01:17:47,880 --> 01:17:49,447 So guy taps him on the back goes, 1781 01:17:49,490 --> 01:17:50,883 "Rover, you never did this before." 1782 01:17:50,927 --> 01:17:52,276 [pants] "I never had the money." 1783 01:17:53,930 --> 01:17:54,974 Thank you. 1784 01:17:57,063 --> 01:17:58,543 [cheering] 1785 01:18:00,240 --> 01:18:01,764 Simon McCabe! 1786 01:18:03,591 --> 01:18:04,680 [jazz music] 1787 01:18:20,217 --> 01:18:22,393 ♪ I know we've been down This long road ♪ 1788 01:18:26,179 --> 01:18:29,052 ♪ And here's something That I've been told ♪ 1789 01:18:32,055 --> 01:18:35,188 ♪ Everyone makes So many mistakes ♪ 1790 01:18:37,756 --> 01:18:41,281 ♪ So tell me, honey What it's gonna take ♪ 1791 01:18:43,936 --> 01:18:47,113 ♪ Because sometimes Things change, I know ♪ 1792 01:18:49,855 --> 01:18:54,730 ♪ And sometimes Things never seem the same ♪ 1793 01:19:01,432 --> 01:19:05,001 ♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪ 1794 01:19:07,003 --> 01:19:08,744 ♪ Can you just grab my hand 1795 01:19:08,787 --> 01:19:12,269 ♪ And give me One more opportunity ♪ 1796 01:19:13,574 --> 01:19:18,101 ♪ Because everyone 1797 01:19:19,189 --> 01:19:22,845 ♪ Has a moment of grace 1798 01:19:23,149 --> 01:19:25,238 ♪ Save face 1799 01:19:25,282 --> 01:19:28,415 ♪ Sometimes the wind blows The branch all the way back ♪ 1800 01:19:31,070 --> 01:19:33,943 ♪ And it just can't hold on And it snaps ♪ 1801 01:19:37,163 --> 01:19:39,122 ♪ But I'm saying our love 1802 01:19:39,557 --> 01:19:41,777 ♪ Has a destiny 1803 01:19:42,952 --> 01:19:45,650 ♪ And it's something That you and me ♪ 1804 01:19:45,998 --> 01:19:48,000 ♪ Can see 1805 01:19:49,480 --> 01:19:52,222 ♪ Sometimes things change I know... ♪ 1806 01:19:55,355 --> 01:19:56,879 I just sold my first car 1807 01:19:56,922 --> 01:19:58,489 and I totally grossed the piss out of this guy. 1808 01:19:58,532 --> 01:19:59,620 And cut. Keep rolling. 1809 01:19:59,664 --> 01:20:00,839 Do it again. 1810 01:20:00,883 --> 01:20:02,232 -You pissed the gross... 1811 01:20:02,275 --> 01:20:03,668 -I pissed the gross right out of him. 1812 01:20:04,103 --> 01:20:05,844 -You got it? -Can you do another one? 1813 01:20:05,888 --> 01:20:07,715 -No. -[beep] 1814 01:20:07,759 --> 01:20:09,326 I don't believe in that shit. You've got to make a right here. 1815 01:20:09,369 --> 01:20:11,632 Yeah, but this goes north. I want to go south. 1816 01:20:11,676 --> 01:20:13,199 Yeah, so we can't go south this way, 1817 01:20:13,243 --> 01:20:14,287 -I fucked up. -[beep] 1818 01:20:14,331 --> 01:20:16,333 Why are we fucking talking? 1819 01:20:16,376 --> 01:20:17,508 What's going on here? 1820 01:20:18,814 --> 01:20:20,467 What's going on here? Didn't you say "action"? 1821 01:20:20,511 --> 01:20:21,991 -Yeah. -[beep] 1822 01:20:22,034 --> 01:20:23,209 Keep that fucking thing up there, brother. 1823 01:20:23,253 --> 01:20:24,907 I love you. I don't wanna... 1824 01:20:24,950 --> 01:20:26,430 it's not a Canadian movie where we'll get knocked out 1825 01:20:26,473 --> 01:20:28,084 -with a fucking boom. -[beep] 1826 01:20:28,127 --> 01:20:30,086 I haven't been to bed yet, guys. 1827 01:20:30,129 --> 01:20:31,609 How can I fucking work without sleep, dude? 1828 01:20:31,652 --> 01:20:33,045 -Who can remember all this shit? -[beep] 1829 01:20:33,089 --> 01:20:34,699 Action! Action. 1830 01:20:35,178 --> 01:20:36,353 Start again. 1831 01:20:36,396 --> 01:20:37,789 Do it again, do it again. Hang on. 1832 01:20:37,833 --> 01:20:39,922 -I want it to be fluid, ok? -Ok. 1833 01:20:39,965 --> 01:20:41,053 -Action. -[beep] 1834 01:20:41,097 --> 01:20:42,228 See this here? 1835 01:20:42,707 --> 01:20:44,317 You know I love you, right? 1836 01:20:44,361 --> 01:20:46,406 But every time you do this, it gets lower and lower. 1837 01:20:46,450 --> 01:20:47,973 -You trying to kill me? -[beep] 1838 01:20:48,017 --> 01:20:49,757 Your favorite wine, Simon? 1839 01:20:50,019 --> 01:20:51,150 Please. 1840 01:20:51,411 --> 01:20:52,978 Fuck it. Do it again. 1841 01:20:53,022 --> 01:20:54,632 I'm not going to see it, but she's going to see it. 1842 01:20:54,675 --> 01:20:56,068 [beep] 1843 01:20:56,112 --> 01:20:57,940 I need menus, and I need two more of these. 1844 01:20:59,376 --> 01:21:02,074 -[beep] -Get out of my shot, people. 1845 01:21:02,118 --> 01:21:04,163 -[beep] -Hey Ed, I can hear you. 1846 01:21:05,034 --> 01:21:06,557 -Ed, I can hear you. -[beep] 1847 01:21:06,600 --> 01:21:07,775 What's happening, bro? 1848 01:21:08,211 --> 01:21:10,343 -[Simon] Sun tanning my balls. -[laughs] 1849 01:21:11,823 --> 01:21:13,085 -[beep] -[laughing] 1850 01:21:13,129 --> 01:21:14,826 What a world they live in. 1851 01:21:16,393 --> 01:21:17,960 [music crescendo] 1852 01:21:19,439 --> 01:21:20,919 ♪ I believe 1853 01:21:23,704 --> 01:21:26,925 ♪ Can you just take me Seriously? ♪ 125249