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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:11,080 --> 00:00:14,080 HORSE WHINNIES AND SNORTS 2 00:00:31,080 --> 00:00:34,160 Whether Elizabeth's spies knew about the letter 3 00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,680 is still a matter of much conjecture. 4 00:00:36,680 --> 00:00:37,960 JULIAN: Hello! 5 00:00:37,960 --> 00:00:40,640 Where's she been hiding? 6 00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:41,800 She's not dead, Julian. 7 00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,480 The good ones never are. 8 00:00:43,480 --> 00:00:44,920 It's just a costume. 9 00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:47,200 They're making a documentary - History's Greatest Plots. 10 00:00:47,200 --> 00:00:50,080 Apparently, there was a coup planned here back in the day. 11 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:52,480 Hey, look, that wasn't a coup, per se. 12 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,240 That was an informal discussion with some parliamentary colleagues 13 00:00:56,240 --> 00:00:57,800 about Maggie's leadership style. 14 00:00:57,800 --> 00:01:00,320 You know? She's not talking about the '80s, mate. 15 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:04,080 Look at her! What plot she talk abutt? About? Dunno. 16 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:06,200 That's just what they told us. I thought you might know. 17 00:01:06,200 --> 00:01:08,320 ROBIN GRUNTS It's possible 18 00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,880 Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters... 19 00:01:10,880 --> 00:01:12,040 BUZZING Oh! 20 00:01:12,040 --> 00:01:13,200 SHE SQUEALS 21 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,120 GHOSTS LAUGH One for the bloopers! 22 00:01:19,000 --> 00:01:21,840 ..Elizabeth's forces simply happened upon the plotters... 23 00:01:21,840 --> 00:01:22,960 What? 24 00:01:22,960 --> 00:01:26,920 Do you know, I don't think I've ever seen you laugh. Yeah. 25 00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,480 I asked the producer if they'll name-check the house 26 00:01:29,480 --> 00:01:32,400 and he just stared at me blankly, so... 27 00:01:32,400 --> 00:01:34,400 That's the producer over there, Mike. 28 00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,400 Oh. Well, then I asked some guy. 29 00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:39,920 Er, do you mind? Some of us are trying to learn something here. 30 00:01:39,920 --> 00:01:43,520 ..regarded by many as a martyr, a mastermind, 31 00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:46,920 a hero, and perhaps the most important person ever 32 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,280 to have walked these grounds. 33 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,640 Is it me? Sounds like me. 34 00:01:50,640 --> 00:01:53,600 Which is why the history books echo with the name 35 00:01:53,600 --> 00:01:55,200 Sir Humphrey Bone. 36 00:01:55,200 --> 00:01:57,240 Oh. Huh. Hmm. 37 00:01:57,240 --> 00:02:00,880 Heavens! Why, I think she means... 38 00:02:05,760 --> 00:02:07,360 ALL: Oh. 39 00:02:07,360 --> 00:02:09,480 Oh, it's fallen off again! 40 00:02:09,480 --> 00:02:11,520 Humphrey? Where is he? 41 00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:35,120 It's just such an incredible place. 42 00:02:35,120 --> 00:02:37,360 You can almost hear the history echo from the walls. 43 00:02:37,360 --> 00:02:38,560 Yeah, it's almost like... 44 00:02:38,560 --> 00:02:40,720 HUBBUB ..it doesn't shut up! 45 00:02:40,720 --> 00:02:42,400 And there's a Stuart facade, 46 00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:44,400 and the Dutch gable, and the... 47 00:02:44,400 --> 00:02:46,400 High-end B&B? In the gatehouse, 48 00:02:46,400 --> 00:02:49,000 opens next spring. Tell your friends. We could probably 49 00:02:49,000 --> 00:02:51,080 do a discount... We're really, really lucky 50 00:02:51,080 --> 00:02:53,120 to have found - well, been given - this place. 51 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:55,680 Actually, we did wonder if you'd be up for talking about 52 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:58,360 your family connection to the house on camera. 53 00:02:58,360 --> 00:02:59,880 Who? Me? 54 00:02:59,880 --> 00:03:03,840 I-I-I-I... I've never been on camera. 55 00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:05,920 Well, have a think about it. 56 00:03:05,920 --> 00:03:07,920 Yeah. She'll think about it. 57 00:03:09,400 --> 00:03:10,440 Are you mad? 58 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:11,960 Context? The interview. 59 00:03:11,960 --> 00:03:14,520 To make the gatehouse a guest house, we need ghosts. Guests. 60 00:03:14,520 --> 00:03:17,400 And this is free publicity, so... No, forget it. 61 00:03:17,400 --> 00:03:19,800 I'm not going on telly. Why? What are you so scared of? 62 00:03:19,800 --> 00:03:21,040 Going on telly! 63 00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,920 Oh, you'd be great. No! The camera would love you. 64 00:03:22,920 --> 00:03:24,800 Just tell your story, name-drop the house, and... 65 00:03:24,800 --> 00:03:26,880 ..oh, you could wear a top with our logo on it. 66 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:28,600 We don't have a top with our logo on it. 67 00:03:28,600 --> 00:03:29,880 Hmm. We don't have a logo. 68 00:03:29,880 --> 00:03:32,840 Hmm. I'll call Obi. He'll do us a quick logo. 69 00:03:32,840 --> 00:03:34,480 Oooh... 70 00:03:34,480 --> 00:03:37,760 Bad moonah on the rise. 71 00:03:37,760 --> 00:03:40,080 Dust cover sun. 72 00:03:40,080 --> 00:03:42,800 Birds fall. Crop fail. 73 00:03:42,800 --> 00:03:46,000 Something wicked this way come. 74 00:03:46,000 --> 00:03:49,160 BARKING Bitches? Bitches! 75 00:03:49,160 --> 00:03:51,760 Oh, that explain it. Anybody home? 76 00:03:51,760 --> 00:03:54,400 Ah, Annabel! 77 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:55,760 ALL: Alison. 78 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,640 I was hoping I'd catch you. LADY BUTTON: Humphrey? 79 00:03:57,640 --> 00:03:59,560 Humphrey! Humphrey! 80 00:03:59,560 --> 00:04:01,760 Humphrey? Humphrey! 81 00:04:01,760 --> 00:04:04,120 Humphrey! MARY: Head bit? 82 00:04:04,120 --> 00:04:06,880 Humphrey? I'm just saying, personally speaking, 83 00:04:06,880 --> 00:04:10,040 I can't remember ever seeing you properly laugh. 84 00:04:10,040 --> 00:04:12,440 That's absolute nonsense. I laugh all the time. 85 00:04:12,440 --> 00:04:15,520 Why, only the other evening, Fanny and I were in stitches 86 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:17,640 while recalling the satirical skewering 87 00:04:17,640 --> 00:04:20,120 of socio-political institutions in The Mikado. 88 00:04:20,120 --> 00:04:22,400 Isn't that right, Fanny? Mm? The Mikado? 89 00:04:22,400 --> 00:04:24,960 Oh, hilarious skewering of socio-political institutions. 90 00:04:24,960 --> 00:04:27,320 Hysterical. Side-splitting. Riotous. Agreed. 91 00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:32,200 I concur. So I hope that puts this matter to rest. Carry on. 92 00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:34,280 Humphrey! Head? Humphrey? 93 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:35,640 Humphrey! 94 00:04:35,640 --> 00:04:36,960 Neither of you laugh! 95 00:04:36,960 --> 00:04:38,200 KITTY: Found it! 96 00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:40,480 Him! Him, sorry. 97 00:04:40,480 --> 00:04:45,040 You didn't tell us you were famous. Am I? Ooh, that's nice. 98 00:04:45,040 --> 00:04:46,360 Am I a painter? 99 00:04:46,360 --> 00:04:48,760 She means the plot, mate. The Catholic plot. 100 00:04:48,760 --> 00:04:50,280 Oh, that. 101 00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:53,280 You always said your death was just a misunderstanding. 102 00:04:53,280 --> 00:04:54,520 Well, in a way, yeah. 103 00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:57,120 Certainly wasn't, erm... straightforward. 104 00:04:57,120 --> 00:04:58,680 What, one chop? 105 00:04:58,680 --> 00:05:00,720 Well, it sounds pretty straightforward to me, 106 00:05:00,720 --> 00:05:02,280 but then I was burned alive, so... 107 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:04,400 All right, now, steady on, Mary. Steady. Steady. 108 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:07,640 Well... I mean more that the circumstances were... 109 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,400 ..complicated. 110 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:21,480 I could tell you about it if you like. Well, if you wouldn't mind. 111 00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:23,520 That would be wonderful, yes. We've got all day. 112 00:05:23,520 --> 00:05:24,600 Well... 113 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:31,040 Yum! Yum, yum, yum, yum! 114 00:05:31,040 --> 00:05:33,000 Ooh, thank you. 115 00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:35,240 HUMS TO HIMSELF 116 00:05:35,240 --> 00:05:36,840 Bon matin? 117 00:05:36,840 --> 00:05:40,840 Did you sleep well? Er, dormir...bon? 118 00:05:40,840 --> 00:05:45,320 Cos it gets quite draughty down your end of the, um... 119 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:47,800 Do you want a bit of brekkie? Boeuf? Bit of brekkie, Sophie? 120 00:05:47,800 --> 00:05:49,440 SIGHS Oh, la la. 121 00:05:49,440 --> 00:05:50,800 Qu'est ce qu'il veut maintenant? 122 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:54,400 Erm, I was just wondering if there might be 123 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:56,680 something you might fancy doing. 124 00:05:57,840 --> 00:05:59,760 Not with me. Not with me. 125 00:05:59,760 --> 00:06:02,480 No, erm, I meant more for you. 126 00:06:02,480 --> 00:06:04,680 Like a hobby. Oh, c'est insupportable. 127 00:06:04,680 --> 00:06:06,360 Something that might make you a bit more... 128 00:06:06,360 --> 00:06:07,760 ..joyeux? 129 00:06:09,040 --> 00:06:12,160 Uh, tapestry? Maybe? 130 00:06:12,160 --> 00:06:14,560 Or you could learn some English? 131 00:06:14,560 --> 00:06:16,000 Or there's archery, 132 00:06:16,000 --> 00:06:18,720 or you could learn a bit of English. 133 00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,240 It doesn't matter, actually. 134 00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:25,480 Livres. 135 00:06:26,760 --> 00:06:28,120 Me leave? 136 00:06:28,120 --> 00:06:30,200 I live here. Livres. 137 00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:34,400 Salon de lecture? 138 00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,120 Oh, like a reading group! 139 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:42,680 Yeah, great idea. You could use the chart room 140 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:44,080 up in my end if you wanted. 141 00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:49,720 And maybe in winter, you could learn a bit of English. 142 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:54,960 It is...ugly language. 143 00:06:58,240 --> 00:07:01,800 It is AN ugly language, but, yes, well done. Very good. 144 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,600 KITTY: Humphrey? 145 00:07:09,040 --> 00:07:11,000 Humphrey? 146 00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:13,320 Humphrey? Sorry. 147 00:07:13,320 --> 00:07:16,680 It's not someone I've thought about in a very long... What about jokes? 148 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,040 Do you like jokes? 149 00:07:18,040 --> 00:07:19,920 Hmm. 150 00:07:19,920 --> 00:07:22,240 Oh, I don't think we ever lent you a champagne bucket, 151 00:07:22,240 --> 00:07:24,120 cos, well, we don't own a champagne bucket. 152 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,640 Well, you do now. 153 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,200 Oh, a film crew! 154 00:07:27,200 --> 00:07:28,920 How surprising. 155 00:07:28,920 --> 00:07:30,880 I'm surprised. 156 00:07:30,880 --> 00:07:34,720 Though, now I think of it, I do remember Jan from the shop 157 00:07:34,720 --> 00:07:38,560 mentioning something about a documentary, was it? Oh. 158 00:07:38,560 --> 00:07:40,360 Lucky I dropped by! 159 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:44,640 I do feel lucky. I imagine they could use a little local knowledge, 160 00:07:44,640 --> 00:07:46,480 fill in the gaps in their research. 161 00:07:46,480 --> 00:07:48,080 I'm not sure that you... 162 00:07:48,080 --> 00:07:51,160 ..care what I say, or know my name. Hello there! 163 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:55,320 Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local landowner slash historian. 164 00:07:55,320 --> 00:07:58,240 Urgh. He hasn't changed, has he? 165 00:07:58,240 --> 00:08:01,440 Arrogant, sleazy, and entirely self-serving. 166 00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:04,200 Can you believe I used to associate with that type? 167 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,440 SNORTS 168 00:08:06,440 --> 00:08:08,400 So I've done a lot of... 169 00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:11,400 Hello. See that? 170 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,720 I spy Harry Heart Attack. 171 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,480 Those three-bottle lunches finally catching up with him, eh? 172 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:20,240 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha... 173 00:08:20,240 --> 00:08:22,000 Oh, no. 174 00:08:22,000 --> 00:08:24,000 Alison! 175 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:25,880 You have to get him out of here right now. 176 00:08:25,880 --> 00:08:27,120 What are you talking about? 177 00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:29,280 Barclay is on the verge of a heart attack. 178 00:08:29,280 --> 00:08:30,760 Trust me, I know the signs. 179 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,400 What if he carks it right there and doesn't move on? 180 00:08:33,400 --> 00:08:35,000 We could be stuck with him forever. 181 00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:37,640 I think you're getting a bit carried away. Which means 182 00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,400 you could be stuck with him, too. 183 00:08:40,400 --> 00:08:42,040 Every day. 184 00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:43,920 For the rest of your life. 185 00:08:43,920 --> 00:08:45,200 Oh, no. 186 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:49,720 Lovely strip of land at the end of the drive there once belonged to me. 187 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,080 Ahh. 188 00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:54,560 No way. OK, what about 4:30? 189 00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,960 Can you do it by 4:30? It's not about the deadline. 190 00:08:56,960 --> 00:09:00,280 I'm just not doing black text on a white T-shirt. 191 00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:01,680 I'm an artiste. 192 00:09:01,680 --> 00:09:04,760 What? Would you ask Michelangelo to touch up your skirting boards? 193 00:09:04,760 --> 00:09:07,120 Depends on his prices. And if he could do it by 4:30. 194 00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,600 Here's what I'll do - custom vector logo, 195 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:13,200 three-colour digiprint on a high-weave cotton blend! 196 00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,680 Sounds great. Thanks, man. Owe you one. 197 00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:17,200 And you'll credit me on air, right? 198 00:09:17,200 --> 00:09:18,880 I mean, if they ask about the top. 199 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:22,200 Oh, they'll ask about the top! 200 00:09:22,200 --> 00:09:24,160 That's a fact! 201 00:09:24,160 --> 00:09:28,800 And the priest says, "I know! That's why I painted it gold." 202 00:09:31,120 --> 00:09:33,800 That is offensive to at least five different religions. 203 00:09:33,800 --> 00:09:35,160 There are only three in it. 204 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:37,360 Give over. It's just a harmless bit of fun. 205 00:09:37,360 --> 00:09:40,200 You haven't heard me jumbo jet joke yet. 206 00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:42,960 There's a nun, a gorilla and a paed... 207 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:45,560 Do you mind? I'm baring my soul here. 208 00:09:45,560 --> 00:09:47,720 You're making this very slow and painful. 209 00:09:47,720 --> 00:09:50,080 Unlike his execution. Oh! 210 00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:51,760 Now, where was I? 211 00:09:51,760 --> 00:09:53,360 Oh, yeah. 212 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,680 Book club. 213 00:09:56,600 --> 00:10:00,200 Bonjour. Good to, er, see you. Bonjour again. 214 00:10:01,960 --> 00:10:03,960 Ca va? 215 00:10:03,960 --> 00:10:07,120 Happy reading. What book is it this week? 216 00:10:07,120 --> 00:10:08,320 Quel livre? 217 00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,960 Le Printemps d'Yver, Contenant Plusieurs Histoires 218 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:12,240 Discourses en Cinq Journees 219 00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:14,520 en Une Noble Compagnie au Chateau du Printemps. 220 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:17,320 Well, don't tell me how it ends. 221 00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:27,320 Je voulais vous remercier. Pour m'avoir laisse faire ca. 222 00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:28,840 Je me sens un peu mieux. 223 00:10:28,840 --> 00:10:30,520 Ssh... 224 00:10:30,520 --> 00:10:31,560 Moi... 225 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,760 ..joyeux. 226 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:38,200 Thank you. You're welcome. 227 00:10:40,960 --> 00:10:42,240 DOOR CLOSES 228 00:10:46,440 --> 00:10:48,520 Well, don't just stand there. We have much to do. 229 00:10:49,520 --> 00:10:52,200 We've received word from Queen Mary. 230 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:55,720 She approves of your plan, but only if we can act quickly. 231 00:10:55,720 --> 00:10:57,520 There are spies everywhere. 232 00:10:57,520 --> 00:10:59,040 We cannot delay. 233 00:10:59,040 --> 00:11:02,640 Then Monday it is. We get Elizabeth on her way to chapel. 234 00:11:02,640 --> 00:11:05,560 By this time next week, the true Queen will sit on the throne. 235 00:11:05,560 --> 00:11:08,720 Death to Queen Bess. ALL: Death to Queen Bess. 236 00:11:10,080 --> 00:11:11,200 What about him? 237 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:14,440 He knows nothing. 238 00:11:14,440 --> 00:11:16,200 Famously. 239 00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,200 THEY CHUCKLE 240 00:11:18,200 --> 00:11:19,520 He is a good man. 241 00:11:25,320 --> 00:11:28,120 So the plan is to conceal our blades here by the colonnade... 242 00:11:30,280 --> 00:11:33,920 Well, fancy that! Young filly there seems to think I might have 243 00:11:33,920 --> 00:11:37,320 some useful insights - her words, not mine. 244 00:11:37,320 --> 00:11:39,200 Well, mine, but she nodded. 245 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:41,320 Wants to get me on camera. 246 00:11:41,320 --> 00:11:44,280 And you're not, like, nervous about...? 247 00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:46,360 Ah-ah-ah! 248 00:11:46,360 --> 00:11:48,200 What I... What I mean by that is... 249 00:11:48,200 --> 00:11:50,400 Tell the old guff to go and die on his own property. 250 00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,360 He's got enough of it. Are you OK? 251 00:11:52,360 --> 00:11:55,440 Me? Yes. Fit as a fiddle. In fact, 252 00:11:55,440 --> 00:11:57,800 I'm on a bit of a health kick. 253 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,200 After 20 years of no exercise whatsoever, 254 00:12:01,200 --> 00:12:03,160 I've just taken up squash. 255 00:12:03,160 --> 00:12:05,840 Yeah, that'll do it. What is squash? 256 00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:08,640 So, we've got a few more shots to grab in the Rose Garden 257 00:12:08,640 --> 00:12:10,920 and then we'll be back to do the interviews. 258 00:12:10,920 --> 00:12:12,680 If you're both happy and... Marvellous! 259 00:12:12,680 --> 00:12:15,040 Yeah. I'll go and rehearse. There's no need 260 00:12:15,040 --> 00:12:16,560 to prepare anything, really. 261 00:12:16,560 --> 00:12:18,880 Best to keep it natural. Conversational. 262 00:12:18,880 --> 00:12:20,280 Of course. Of course. 263 00:12:20,280 --> 00:12:22,480 Amateur. 264 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:26,200 You have got to get him out of here! 265 00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:29,840 I meant to say, Zara, there's a stunning view of the house, 266 00:12:29,840 --> 00:12:32,280 er, from just... just past that fence. 267 00:12:32,280 --> 00:12:35,520 I thought it might make a nice background for Barclay's interview. 268 00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,040 OK. I'll take a look. 269 00:12:37,040 --> 00:12:38,800 Yeah, yeah. Just PAST the fence. 270 00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:41,600 Just outside the grounds. Outside. Outside. 271 00:12:41,600 --> 00:12:43,600 Outside. Did you say outside? 272 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:44,960 Yeah, I think she got it. 273 00:12:47,080 --> 00:12:50,880 Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, local historian. 274 00:12:50,880 --> 00:12:52,000 Friend of the house. 275 00:12:53,520 --> 00:12:57,400 Barclay Beg-Chetwynde, Button House spokesman. 276 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,720 What's he doing here? 277 00:13:00,720 --> 00:13:02,400 Cheg-Betwynde. Beg-Chetwynde. 278 00:13:02,400 --> 00:13:05,000 He just appeared. Like posh Batman. 279 00:13:05,000 --> 00:13:07,680 Well, he's in there saying he's our spokesman. Yeah, well, 280 00:13:07,680 --> 00:13:10,200 he spoke to Zara and they want to film a bit with him now. 281 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:13,080 What? Yeah. Can't let him speak for us! You've got to do the interview. 282 00:13:13,080 --> 00:13:14,760 Oh, pile on the pressure. 283 00:13:14,760 --> 00:13:17,640 It's just, I know that you can do it. You're the face of Button House. 284 00:13:17,640 --> 00:13:19,240 Because you know what you've got? 285 00:13:19,240 --> 00:13:20,520 Inner strength? 286 00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,920 I was going to say a branded sweatshirt coming, but... 287 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:24,320 But inner strength. OK. 288 00:13:24,320 --> 00:13:27,520 Yeah? Love you. 289 00:13:27,520 --> 00:13:29,640 Is it your oral skills? 290 00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,440 Excuse me? That worry you, about the interview? 291 00:13:32,440 --> 00:13:36,120 I just don't want to be on camera, like public speaking. 292 00:13:36,120 --> 00:13:37,840 I understand entirely. 293 00:13:37,840 --> 00:13:41,040 I remember my first confabulation on Button FM. 294 00:13:41,040 --> 00:13:45,120 Stammering like a chicken-hearted clown. 295 00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:49,680 But I found my voice, Alison, and I can help you find yours. 296 00:13:50,960 --> 00:13:52,640 OK? 297 00:13:52,640 --> 00:13:54,400 OK. 298 00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,760 How dare you? 299 00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,880 I'll have you know I've got my entertainers badge. 300 00:13:58,880 --> 00:14:01,080 I just hadn't sewn it on yet. 301 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:03,120 The same with my sewing badge. 302 00:14:03,120 --> 00:14:06,000 I'm simply saying that the reason you so rarely see us 303 00:14:06,000 --> 00:14:08,800 reduced to fits of hysteria is because in present company, 304 00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,360 we're seldom given cause. All right, then. 305 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:14,400 Why don't you make us all laugh, show us how it's done? 306 00:14:14,400 --> 00:14:15,640 I'll handle this, Fanny. 307 00:14:15,640 --> 00:14:17,680 Right. Now. I just remember thinking, 308 00:14:17,680 --> 00:14:19,560 "Well, it must be a pretty good book, 309 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,880 "cos they've been in there for ages." 310 00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:25,360 Farewell. Au revoir. Er, bon...to see you all. 311 00:14:26,840 --> 00:14:27,880 Take care. 312 00:14:33,040 --> 00:14:34,720 HUMS TO HIMSELF 313 00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:40,200 Oh, someone forgot their... 314 00:14:40,200 --> 00:14:41,760 Oh! 315 00:14:50,920 --> 00:14:52,200 Oh, no. 316 00:14:53,920 --> 00:14:56,280 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. 317 00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,240 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. 318 00:14:58,240 --> 00:15:00,520 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon bore the brunt. 319 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:02,880 The butler burnt the butter but the bacon... 320 00:15:02,880 --> 00:15:04,800 Something amusing? Sorry. It's just, 321 00:15:04,800 --> 00:15:07,960 it's hard to think of you in a sort of, well, teacher role. 322 00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,840 Ah, I see. 323 00:15:09,840 --> 00:15:11,400 Because of the frisson. 324 00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,840 The frisson? The frisson between us. 325 00:15:13,840 --> 00:15:17,840 I know it is difficult, Alison, but while you are under my tutelage, 326 00:15:17,840 --> 00:15:20,160 you really must pretend there is no frisson. 327 00:15:20,160 --> 00:15:21,480 Thomas, there is no frisson. 328 00:15:22,680 --> 00:15:24,120 That's the spirit. 329 00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:26,720 Now, then, your turn. 330 00:15:26,720 --> 00:15:30,480 The butler... The butler burnt the butter and the butter... 331 00:15:30,480 --> 00:15:33,600 BUTler. The butler burnt the butter... What's a budler? 332 00:15:33,600 --> 00:15:35,560 Bu-t-t-t. Big but. Big but. That's it. 333 00:15:35,560 --> 00:15:37,520 VIBRATES LIPS 334 00:15:37,520 --> 00:15:39,280 MUFFLED: Welcome to Button House. That's it. 335 00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,240 I know it feels strange but it really strengthens... 336 00:15:41,240 --> 00:15:43,000 Shaking everything. 337 00:15:43,000 --> 00:15:45,280 VIBRATES LIPS 338 00:15:45,280 --> 00:15:48,040 I am a confident and beautiful young woman. 339 00:15:48,040 --> 00:15:50,520 I am a confident woman... And I deserve to be on television. 340 00:15:50,520 --> 00:15:52,560 Welcome to Button House. Hands at our sides. 341 00:15:52,560 --> 00:15:53,880 We're not a seagull. 342 00:15:53,880 --> 00:15:56,520 Thomas is terrific and I wish... Thomas is terrific and I wish... 343 00:15:56,520 --> 00:15:58,240 ..we were betrothed. ..we were... No. 344 00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:00,160 It's just an exercise. 345 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,280 Fine, we'll do something else. 346 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:05,400 And the quartermaster says, "You may have paid the bill, 347 00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:09,200 "but I'm still the PATE familias." 348 00:16:11,120 --> 00:16:12,640 Because he'd had the pate. 349 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:13,880 The pate! Do you see? 350 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:16,240 It's very clever. 351 00:16:16,240 --> 00:16:17,560 She didn't laugh. 352 00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:18,960 You didn't laugh. 353 00:16:18,960 --> 00:16:20,880 Nobody laughed. Yes. 354 00:16:20,880 --> 00:16:23,720 Long, fancy words don't make something funny. 355 00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:26,640 I find I often laugh most at the simplest things. 356 00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,000 Duly noted. 357 00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:29,760 Like someone else laughing. Oh, yes. 358 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,560 Laughter is contagious. 359 00:16:31,560 --> 00:16:34,840 What? Oh, no! Oh, no, no. Not in a bad way, Kitty. 360 00:16:34,840 --> 00:16:37,840 No, just that laughter breeds more laughter. 361 00:16:37,840 --> 00:16:40,160 Preposterous. Balderdash. 362 00:16:41,880 --> 00:16:43,960 SHE LAUGHS 363 00:16:45,280 --> 00:16:46,640 HE CHUCKLES 364 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,440 THEY LAUGH 365 00:17:01,240 --> 00:17:04,520 PHONE RINGS 366 00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:07,200 What's up? About this top. I've been... 367 00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:10,480 Haven't you done it yet? Impact-wise, we could wrap the text 368 00:17:10,480 --> 00:17:13,040 around the trunk and... I don't care if you potato-print it 369 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,120 on a bin bag, as long as it says Button House 370 00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:18,040 and it's here by 4:30, yeah? All right, all right, I'm on it! 371 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:21,200 This sweater is my Sistine Chapel roof. 372 00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,440 Ceiling. Is it? Good. 373 00:17:23,440 --> 00:17:26,720 Because I just googled the roof and I weren't blown away. 374 00:17:29,200 --> 00:17:33,320 UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER 375 00:17:42,840 --> 00:17:44,240 LAUGHING: I can't help myself! 376 00:17:46,640 --> 00:17:48,600 ALL GASP FOR BREATH 377 00:17:54,600 --> 00:17:56,200 Anyway, where was I? 378 00:17:56,200 --> 00:17:58,680 About to die. Oh, yeah. 379 00:17:58,680 --> 00:18:00,440 If you can calls that dying. 380 00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:04,440 Bonne nuit, Sophie. 381 00:18:12,880 --> 00:18:14,560 What have you done? 382 00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,360 OUTSIDE: Halt! Her Majesty's Guard. We have to go. 383 00:18:17,360 --> 00:18:18,800 Go? What? 384 00:18:18,800 --> 00:18:21,200 You want to live, we must go. 385 00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:22,840 OUTSIDE: Who do you think you are? 386 00:18:22,840 --> 00:18:24,560 Humphrey! 387 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,280 I'll hold them off as long as I can. 388 00:18:27,280 --> 00:18:29,000 THUDDING Quoi?! 389 00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:31,960 This isn't the life you signed up for. Go! 390 00:18:31,960 --> 00:18:33,760 Have another one. 391 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:35,240 Well, go! 392 00:18:35,240 --> 00:18:37,360 HAMMERING ON DOOR Open this door! 393 00:18:37,360 --> 00:18:39,080 Show yourself! 394 00:18:40,640 --> 00:18:42,280 HAMMERING ON DOOR 395 00:18:42,280 --> 00:18:44,160 Open up! 396 00:18:44,160 --> 00:18:45,200 Ahh! 397 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:48,880 Keep going! 398 00:18:48,880 --> 00:18:51,640 PRESENTER: ..beheaded on the spot for high treason, 399 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:53,840 so heinous was his crime, 400 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:57,280 with Mary's orders still in his hand. 401 00:18:57,280 --> 00:19:01,000 Sir Humphrey Bone, mastermind of the Bone Plot, 402 00:19:01,000 --> 00:19:02,640 and martyr to it. 403 00:19:02,640 --> 00:19:04,720 SWORD UNSHEATHES 404 00:19:08,360 --> 00:19:10,040 At least, that's how... 405 00:19:10,040 --> 00:19:11,560 CAPTAIN CLEARS THROAT 406 00:19:12,640 --> 00:19:14,040 For valiance. 407 00:19:14,040 --> 00:19:16,480 Yes. Quite right. Well said, that man. 408 00:19:16,480 --> 00:19:18,360 Fair do's, actually. Fair do's. 409 00:19:18,360 --> 00:19:21,680 It's a horrible way to go. Easy for you to say, isn't it? 410 00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:23,360 You barely even feels an arrow. 411 00:19:23,360 --> 00:19:24,840 You what? 412 00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:27,840 We should tell Alison what we've learned. 413 00:19:27,840 --> 00:19:30,600 Yes. And she can tell the television people. 414 00:19:37,520 --> 00:19:39,680 ECHOING: This isn't the life you signed up for! 415 00:19:39,680 --> 00:19:40,960 Go! 416 00:19:44,320 --> 00:19:46,920 In the name of Her Majesty, open this door! 417 00:19:46,920 --> 00:19:49,240 HAMMERING ON DOOR 418 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:51,160 SHOUTED ORDERS 419 00:19:54,600 --> 00:19:56,560 Oh, God. 420 00:19:56,560 --> 00:19:57,880 What am I doing?! 421 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:04,320 YELLS 422 00:20:09,560 --> 00:20:11,120 Ha! Oh! 423 00:20:17,600 --> 00:20:19,400 Ah! Yes! Yes! 424 00:20:24,280 --> 00:20:26,280 God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God... 425 00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,840 Her Majesty's Guards! 426 00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:34,640 Show yourself! 427 00:20:42,120 --> 00:20:43,560 DOOR OPENS 428 00:20:50,960 --> 00:20:52,320 No sign of him, sir. 429 00:20:53,760 --> 00:20:55,440 Why is it always bad news with you? 430 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:58,080 It's not always... It's never, "Oh, I've found him, he's through here." 431 00:20:58,080 --> 00:21:00,160 I found that priest hole once. There was no priest in it. 432 00:21:00,160 --> 00:21:01,440 That was just a hole. 433 00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:05,360 SHUFFLING 434 00:21:21,680 --> 00:21:23,200 God, I love this house. 435 00:21:24,200 --> 00:21:25,600 BLADES CLASH, SQUELCH 436 00:21:33,080 --> 00:21:35,440 Whoopsy-daisy. 437 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,320 I might say I did that. I would. 438 00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:49,440 See, this is why I won't have swords in the house. Yeah. 439 00:21:49,440 --> 00:21:51,520 Well, you've got kids, haven't you? 440 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:05,400 Bad day? 441 00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:06,920 SCREAMS 442 00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:10,080 Hey. Well, I think we're almost ready to do the interviews, 443 00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:13,400 if you... Yeah, about that. I don't know what Mr Deg-Chegwin told you, 444 00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:15,880 but he's not actually anything to do with Button House. 445 00:22:15,880 --> 00:22:18,320 He's just a sort of mean local weirdo. 446 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:20,240 Actually, that's not fair. No, that is fair. 447 00:22:20,240 --> 00:22:23,120 So, yeah, we'd rather he wasn't associated with the house 448 00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:25,600 because, to be honest, I'm worried about how he comes across on TV. 449 00:22:25,600 --> 00:22:27,720 OK. It's just that I got the impression 450 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:30,480 your wife wasn't all that keen to do an interview. 451 00:22:30,480 --> 00:22:33,160 You're kidding! She can't wait. I'm telling you, 452 00:22:33,160 --> 00:22:35,000 she's a natural. 453 00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,800 Er... 454 00:22:36,800 --> 00:22:38,960 So the house is, um... Um... 455 00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,240 ..like, my connection, um... 456 00:22:41,240 --> 00:22:43,920 Um. ..to the family. Um... 457 00:22:43,920 --> 00:22:45,240 Um, um, um... 458 00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,160 You see, if we can just... Babe! You're up next. 459 00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,840 What, now? We need more time, damn you! Already? 460 00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,160 Can't Barclay go first? No, he's been canned. 461 00:22:53,160 --> 00:22:55,960 Apparently an anonymous source told them what he's like 462 00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:58,720 and they were like... Mike. What? He's bad PR and you know it. 463 00:22:58,720 --> 00:23:00,400 How did he take it? 464 00:23:00,400 --> 00:23:03,280 Um... "Um...!" They're all at it. Give me five minutes 465 00:23:03,280 --> 00:23:04,840 and I'll let you know. Wish me luck. 466 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:06,400 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 467 00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:08,720 I'll do it. We need to be gentle with him 468 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:11,680 and then we need to get him out of here real quick. 469 00:23:11,680 --> 00:23:13,440 HORN TOOTS 470 00:23:13,440 --> 00:23:14,760 Obi! 471 00:23:14,760 --> 00:23:16,400 Oh, we're finished here, are we? 472 00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:21,360 Hey, see? It's a masterpiece! 473 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:22,560 Yeah, yeah. Give it to me. 474 00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:26,600 Why are you wearing it? Because it looks sick. 475 00:23:26,600 --> 00:23:29,800 Right. We're ready for Alison, just up by the fence there. 476 00:23:29,800 --> 00:23:31,880 Fence? What fence? Just up by the... 477 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:34,520 She thought the view was quite good. No, no, no. 478 00:23:34,520 --> 00:23:38,720 I mean, there's much better spots nearer the house, like by the sign. 479 00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:41,200 So you can see the house. By the sign? 480 00:23:41,200 --> 00:23:43,760 It's just we're all set up over there now. 481 00:23:43,760 --> 00:23:47,600 But...but maybe we'll come and grab something here a bit later. 482 00:23:48,920 --> 00:23:54,160 I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part of its rich and varied history. 483 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:59,120 Yes, that'll do it. Right, once more. Get it in the old memory. 484 00:23:59,120 --> 00:24:01,320 Oh, God. Is he still here? 485 00:24:01,320 --> 00:24:02,600 Hello there. 486 00:24:02,600 --> 00:24:05,200 What? Me? May I just say 487 00:24:05,200 --> 00:24:08,920 what an honour it is to be joining you here in this wonderful house? 488 00:24:08,920 --> 00:24:10,400 Oh, God, no. 489 00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:13,160 I'm thrilled to fill in a tiny part 490 00:24:13,160 --> 00:24:15,920 of its rich and varied history. 491 00:24:15,920 --> 00:24:17,280 It's happened! 492 00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:19,360 Alison! 493 00:24:19,360 --> 00:24:21,360 Ah, perfect. 494 00:24:21,360 --> 00:24:23,960 Knock, knock. Hi, how are you? 495 00:24:23,960 --> 00:24:25,040 How are you? 496 00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:26,880 Yes, fine, raring to go. 497 00:24:26,880 --> 00:24:28,000 GRUNTS 498 00:24:28,000 --> 00:24:29,880 Er, right. 499 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,120 It's just... 500 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:33,360 Do you want to sit down? 501 00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,640 No! 502 00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,000 Really? OK. 503 00:24:36,000 --> 00:24:40,680 The thing is, talking again to the documentary guys, 504 00:24:40,680 --> 00:24:44,440 it seems now they want to focus more on people 505 00:24:44,440 --> 00:24:47,440 who actually lived...live in the house. 506 00:24:49,600 --> 00:24:50,760 Oh, dear. 507 00:24:50,760 --> 00:24:52,920 So I wore a new shirt for nothing. 508 00:24:52,920 --> 00:24:56,200 Been bally baking in it all day, 509 00:24:56,200 --> 00:24:57,840 and talk about itchy! 510 00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:03,520 Well, that explains it. 511 00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:04,920 Yes, it does. 512 00:25:04,920 --> 00:25:06,640 Oh, that's much better. 513 00:25:06,640 --> 00:25:08,160 Yeah. 514 00:25:17,360 --> 00:25:20,960 Breathe, but don't gasp, and don't gabble. No ums and ahs. 515 00:25:20,960 --> 00:25:24,120 If you need to pause, pause, but don't show you're pausing. 516 00:25:24,120 --> 00:25:26,480 Look, I know that you mean well, 517 00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:28,000 but it's me they want to talk to, 518 00:25:28,000 --> 00:25:30,640 not some drop-out from the Thomas Thorne Finishing School. 519 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:33,560 So will you please just stop talking and accept that you're a better poet 520 00:25:33,560 --> 00:25:36,040 than you are a teacher? And that is really saying something. 521 00:25:40,800 --> 00:25:45,040 Confident, eloquent, composed. 522 00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,560 My work here is done. 523 00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:49,440 Damn your eyes. You're welcome. 524 00:25:53,000 --> 00:25:55,840 It was inherited through my dad's side, but he died 525 00:25:55,840 --> 00:25:58,880 when I was young and my mum passed away more recently. 526 00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:01,640 So with no living relatives, the house has become a kind of 527 00:26:01,640 --> 00:26:04,760 link to my ancestors through the ages. 528 00:26:04,760 --> 00:26:07,400 It's like having family all around me. 529 00:26:07,400 --> 00:26:10,400 Can you give us any more information about...? Could you smile? 530 00:26:10,400 --> 00:26:13,520 But with your voice. Say Button House. 531 00:26:13,520 --> 00:26:17,480 Alison! ..every bit as fascinating as your journey... I warned you! 532 00:26:17,480 --> 00:26:20,400 I did warn you! SHOUTING, INTERVIEWER CONTINUES 533 00:26:21,960 --> 00:26:24,560 Pull the top down! ALL TALK AT ONCE 534 00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:27,440 You're doing very well, just block it out. 535 00:26:27,440 --> 00:26:29,640 Try not to hesitate... I warned you! 536 00:26:29,640 --> 00:26:31,440 Alison! Emergency! 537 00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:34,000 INTERVIEWER: Alison? Er... 538 00:26:35,840 --> 00:26:36,960 Er... 539 00:26:36,960 --> 00:26:38,880 ALISON ON TV: ..literally a phone call saying, 540 00:26:38,880 --> 00:26:39,960 "You now own this house." 541 00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:42,280 It was inherited through my dad's side, 542 00:26:42,280 --> 00:26:45,320 but he died when I was young and my mum passed away more recently. 543 00:26:45,320 --> 00:26:47,880 Aw. So with no living relatives, 544 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,000 the house has become a kind of link... Oh, can't see the logo! 545 00:26:51,000 --> 00:26:53,320 Lose the thing! Lose the thing! 546 00:26:53,320 --> 00:26:54,960 It's like having family all around me. 547 00:26:54,960 --> 00:26:57,000 Aw! That's nice. 548 00:26:57,000 --> 00:26:59,840 I think this is where I... 549 00:26:59,840 --> 00:27:01,760 Well, the brick... The brick frontage 550 00:27:01,760 --> 00:27:03,440 is, er...it was a brick front 551 00:27:03,440 --> 00:27:07,000 added to what is, er, what was a Tudor house. 552 00:27:07,000 --> 00:27:09,520 FANNY: What does that say? What is a Butt Ho? 553 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:11,360 Are you the Butt Ho? 554 00:27:11,360 --> 00:27:13,320 ..it was brick, it had a brick facade. 555 00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:14,920 Oh, my... Obi! 556 00:27:14,920 --> 00:27:16,000 CLEARS THROAT 557 00:27:16,000 --> 00:27:19,760 ..which is now what we now see now on Button House. 558 00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,240 Well, thanks, everyone. 559 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:26,160 But there's much more to this place than just structural issues. 560 00:27:26,160 --> 00:27:29,160 ALL GROAN AND BOO 561 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,120 For one thing, it's haunted! 562 00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:32,720 And I'm turning it off. No, no, wait. 563 00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:34,040 Oh! Hang on a sec. 564 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:36,440 I think this is my cameo. 565 00:27:36,440 --> 00:27:37,720 Ooh! 566 00:27:37,720 --> 00:27:39,720 Watch the vase. 567 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,320 Wait for it... 568 00:27:42,680 --> 00:27:45,280 THEY CHEER 569 00:27:45,280 --> 00:27:46,920 CAPTAIN: Bravo! 570 00:27:46,920 --> 00:27:48,840 It's like he's famous. 571 00:27:48,840 --> 00:27:51,080 Can I have your autograph? You got a pen? 572 00:27:51,080 --> 00:27:53,880 But one thing's for certain - when it came to the Catholic cause, 573 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:56,640 Sir Humphrey Bone was a man prepared 574 00:27:56,640 --> 00:27:59,120 to stick his neck out. 575 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,160 Oh-ho! Oh! Oh-ho! 576 00:28:01,160 --> 00:28:04,040 THEY LAUGH 577 00:28:04,040 --> 00:28:05,560 Oh, very good! 578 00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:07,960 Neck! Seriously?! 42395

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