Original subtitles

(ominous music)

A-Bomb: Hey, Hulkies, we're still lost somewhere out in the cosmos,

trekking back to Earth in The Leader's ship.

But truthfully, things are getting bleak.

We're running low on food,

toilet paper...

One square? (groaning)

and patience.

(slurping)

A-Bomb: Skaar, don't waste water, okay?

And no more long showers.

Skaar: Skaar not shower ever.

A-Bomb: There's no reason to be so happy about it, stinky.

Another thing Skaar not ever do, is think.

According to the Guardian Star Chart,

there's a wormhole coming up that's a shortcut to Earth.

Vista Verde, here we come.

-Skaar: Swirly thing get Hulks home? -(computer beeping)

COMPUTER: Warning. Wormhole is surrounded by a temporal distortion.

Skaar: Uh...

"Temporal misfortune"?

No, temporal distortion.

That's a place where time and space collide.

Something bad could happen if we went through.

Skaar: Hulks not go home? (growling)

Skaar hate "tenteral misfortune."

-(Skaar grunting) -(electricity crackling)

Skaar, why don't you use your head?

Ugh, better forget the wormhole anyway.

We'll take the long way home. It's safer.

(Skaar mumbling mockingly)

THE LEADER: Leader's log.

Final entry.

This is the end.

Despite our dwindling supplies, Hulk insists on moving us away

from the lifesaving wormhole and back into deep space.

My intelligence may dwarf Hulk's,

but what we need is one with the courage to take charge,

and save us.

A-Bomb: So long, Earth. See you soon, we hope.

(grunting)

She-Hulk: Skaar, have you lost your mind?

Skaar: Skaar helping. Skaar saving Hulks.

(Hulk grunting)

This is not helping.

-The coordinates are locked in. -(The Leader laughing)

Bravo. It was worth it for me to say, "Skaar has doomed us all."

But Skaar hear Leader say, "Hulks be safe in wormhole."

You dumb-dumb, he tricked you.

(The Leader laughing)

Nothing we can do now but hope it doesn't crush us.

(all groaning)

(theme music)

(whooshing)

We're coming out of the wormhole.

A-Bomb: There she is. Good, old Mama Earth.

I can't believe it.

(Skaar giggling) Skaar did good.

Don't press your luck, Fido.

You may be out of the dog house,

but I'm still keeping you on a leash.

I don't think Skaar's the only one who deserves to be scolded.

Huh?

Hulk: You're on bathroom cleanup, Leader.

The Leader: Oh. Oh, that stench.

No. No, no, no, no, oh. (The Leader retching)

Hey, don't blame us.

You stocked the galley with sardines and mustard sauce.

(calm music)

(ship powering down)

A-Bomb: Home, sweet home.

-Hey, wait a minute. -She-Hulk: I don't get it.

I set the landing coordinates for New Mexico,

but something doesn't feel right.

I see people on horseback.

Maybe they can tell us where we are.

Hey, over here.

Careful, don't frighten them.

The world still thinks we're monsters.

Uh, if we're monsters, then what are they?

(growling)

A-Bomb: We were gone long enough for Earth to invent new animals?

(growling)

We're under attack. Hulk smash!

-(grunts) -(ground rumbling)

A-Bomb: A-bombs, away.

Red Hulk: Come here, you. (grunting)

(groaning)

Freaky looking fly-catchers are tougher than they look.

(screeching)

-(yelping) -(grunting)

Reinforcements. We gotta turn the tide of battle.

I'll handle the tide.

Get the Smashers to high ground.

You heard him, troops. Move out.

(grunting)

-(creatures yelling) -A-Bomb: Uh, they are coming.

(Hulks grunting)

(rumbling)

Hulk: Nice.

Let's mop up the last of them.

-(thunder rumbling) -(machine humming)

Huh?

Man: Halt!

All: The master. The master.

A-Bomb: So, who's the flying purple dude?

Man: I am called The High Evolutionary.

Leave my people in peace. You are the aggressors here, not they.

They attacked us.

What else could these simple creatures do

when threatened by the rampaging monsters

known as the Hulk, and his Agents of S.M.A.S.H.?

You know us?

I have viewed your recordings.

I was curious how long you Hulks could postpone

the inevitable destruction of mankind.

How about that? A fan.

They've heard of us all the way out here.

Um, wherever here is,

'cause it really doesn't look like New Mexico.

It was called New Mexico, 1,000 years ago.

-A-Bomb: Say what now? -She-Hulk: Seriously.

The temporal distortion around the wormhole,

it must have shot us into the future.

(groaning) Stupid "tenteral misfortune."

High Evolutionary: Indeed.

Several months after you left,

a gamma-charged meteorite struck the Earth.

Had you Hulks been there, you could have destroyed the meteorite,

and prevented the resulting cataclysm.

Mankind quickly reverted to its primitive origins.

Savagery and fear held sway.

After the cataclysm,

I saw my chance to recreate Earth and its inhabitants

according to my design.

What would have taken nature eons to accomplish

I did in mere moments.

Now, this once barren world is a paradise

for my creations.

Ever think that a paradise to you might be a prison to them?

So, we'll just sit back and smash that meteorite before it hits Earth.

Red Hulk: None of this will ever exist.

What I have made from this world will never be unmade by you Hulks.

We have a problem with that. Right, guys?

Skaar slash!

Oh, you shouldn't have done that.

(Hulk grunting, heavy thumping)

(Hulk groaning)

You're a fascinating creature, Hulk.

The pinnacle of gamma induced evolution.

So far...

I'm intrigued by what I could make out of such raw material.

What do you think we can make out of Mr. Shiny Pants?

We won't know until we take him apart.

Since you are so quick to revert to primitive ways,

I shall give you minds and bodies to match.

(all groaning)

(exclaiming)

(all grunting)

No!

What have you done to them?

Generously granted them the gift of recreation.

By reducing their brains, I have reduced their will to oppose me.

These simple man-brutes may, in time, evolve into a brilliant new species.

(sniffing)

(mumbling)

(grunting)

Or not.

(groaning) What happened?

Huh?

Shiny floaty man attack Hulks!

Skaar slash!

This is becoming tiresome.

(Skaar groaning)

Huh?

Interesting.

You are already so far down the evolutionary ladder

my devolving ray has no effect on you.

Skaar not know what any of that means.

Attack!

Listen to Skaar. Attack purple man.

High Evolutionary: They are too primitive to be a threat,

or even much interest to me any longer.

You, however, are a unique blend of intelligence and savagery.

With some improvements, you could be my ultimate creation.

Skaar, you've got to get me out of this.

We've got to get home to stop that meteor, or we'll be stuck here forever.

Come on. Agents of S.M.A.S.H. must save Hulk.

-(indistinct grunting) -Come on, we gotta save Hulk.

(chanting) Save Hulk. Save Hulk.

(all chanting) Save Hulk. Save Hulk.

Save Hulk. Save Hulk. Save Hulk.

No, Hulk went this way.

Agents of S.M.A.S.H. dumb-dumbs. Only Skaar smart.

Wait, Skaar know someone really smart.

(toilet plunging)

(The Leader groaning)

-This is deplorable. -(toilet flushing)

Skaar, what do you want?

Skaar need learn lead dumb Hulks.

Well, free me, and I will teach you the first rule of leadership.

If you can't win their minds, then you win their hearts.

Ah, win hearts. Huh, good idea. 'Kay, bye.

THE LEADER: No, no, Skaar, wait, wait!

(whimpering)

(A-Bomb grunting)

Ahh!

-(Red Hulk grunting) -(She-Hulk grunting)

Hulks stop fight, and Skaar give present.

Skaar: Jen get back scratch.

She-am-Hulk like.

Skaar: And Red get stick that look like gamma gun.

Ah, boom, boom, boom.

Skaar: And Skaar no forget A-Bomb.

-(A-Bomb grunting excitedly) -Skaar: Happy?

(grunting)

We go. Hulk need Smashers.

High Evolutionary: If there's one thing I've learned over the centuries,

it's that any life form can always be improved.

I like myself fine the way I am.

You lack imagination, Hulk.

I can see you becoming much more than you are now.

The way you defeated my animal men

proved I need a creature more powerful and intelligent to guard this world.

A superior creation of brain and brawn.

With you at my side,

we could fashion a universe of reason and intellect.

(grunting)

Sure, where an out-of-touch egghead like you calls all the shots.

You know what? It's time to smash.

(grunting)

-(electricity crackling) -(Hulk groaning)

Put him in the evolution chamber.

No! (grunting)

I'm sure I can broaden your horizons.

(Hulk coughing)

Skaar: Gotta get Hulk outta there.

Okay.

Eh, now is when someone has plan.

Who has plan? A-Bomb, you always have plan.

(grunting)

Uh...

Boom-boom out of ammo.

Skaar: Red right!

Skaar need to use head.

Ah!

This great plan. Get ready.

Okay, now use Red's head.

(Red Hulk grunting)

Skaar: Red's head work good. Wait, what that sound?

Hulk dummies stay back. Skaar slash!

(Skaar roaring)

-Uh... -Him smart.

Skaar has Hulk scent. Hulk this way.

Be quiet.

Why Skaar hurt Red's head?

Shh. Skaar not hurt Red's head. Door did.

Red smash door!

Quiet! Red will bring shiny floaty man.

Stop.

(both grunting)

High Evolutionary: I'm impressed.

I didn't think I had left you with wits enough

to find my fortress, much less find a way in.

We want Hulk. Let him go, and we go.

A most generous offer,

but I refuse to part with my ultimate creation.

What does my master require?

High Evolutionary: Cast out these primitive creatures.

It is done.

No, Hulk, not attack friends.

(zaps)

(all grunting)

(groaning)

(zaps)

(all whimpering)

(grunts)

Hulk: I anticipated your counter attack.

I calculate you have a less than 1% chance to defeat me.

In every way, I am your superior.

High Evolutionary: Exactly so, my servant.

These primitives have proved annoying.

I shall devolve them back into the primordial slime

from whence they came.

Drones, herd the savages together.

No, Agents of S.M.A.S.H., attack!

(Skaar grunting)

Ah, boom-boom.

Finish him.

(groaning)

High Evolutionary: My scepter!

She-am-Hulk got.

-Good work, Jen. -Mmm. Nice.

Your weapon.

-(Skaar groaning) -(thuds)

Your attack may have been unexpected,

but ultimately ineffective, as I quickly moved to counter it.

As you can see,

I am still the strongest one there is, and now the smartest.

If Hulk so smart, why Hulk not lead?

Isn't Hulk "ultimate creation"?

Ultimate? Interesting.

I am, after all,

more powerful than my maker himself.

Pay the savage no mind. Bring him to me.

The very purpose of evolution

is for the next generation to supersede the previous one.

Thus the savage is correct.

It is only logical that I depose you.

Your logic is flawed. I made you. I will unmake you.

(grunting)

Your scepter's blast throws you off balance for exactly 1.2 microseconds.

Ample time for me to dodge your attack.

(grunting)

Yet you fail to capitalize.

(roaring)

While your wings give you increased speed,

their size prevents you from altering course

in time for a direct hit.

(scoffing)

True, but I do not have to hit you to defeat you.

(grunting)

(groaning)

Skaar fix Hulks. Fix Red.

-Ew, that not right. -High Evolutionary: Of course not.

The staff is for devolving.

Only the evolution chamber can restore your friend.

Skaar: Shiny purple man wrong!

High Evolutionary: I am never wrong, you fool.

The green button releases the mist

that restores an organism to its original form.

-Thank you. -(groans)

Skaar knows smart guys always talk too much about plans.

(indistinct munching)

Skaar: Wait, don't eat Red slug.

I will give you one chance to submit.

Otherwise, I calculate a 99.9% probability of your destruction.

I put your chances at less than 10%.

Impossible. My calculations are irrefutable.

(groaning)

I lied.

(squishing)

Green button.

(Red Hulk groaning)

Ugh. About time you figured this thing out.

Red remember what happened?

Oh, I remember one thing.

You using me as a battering ram.

Now go help greenie.

I'll evolutionize these chimps.

High Evolutionary: I'll take that.

(groaning)

You see, I programmed your brain to respond to facts and truths,

whereas I still retain that all-too-human inclination

toward deception and guile.

That is why I will survive, and why you will fall.

-(Skaar yelling) -(groans)

-Skaar: You big head Hulk okay? -(groaning)

You would save me? Why?

Because new Hulk is really old Hulk,

and old Hulk would know a way to save Earth and save friends.

Friends. You are my friends.

Friendship, an obsolete concept.

I never quite understood it.

A-Bomb: Gee, I wonder why.

-(grunting) -(groaning)

To have a friend, first you have to be a friend.

Even if that means putting your own life on the line.

I understand now.

Hulk: Hey, Master, I quit!

(groaning)

(grunting)

A-Bomb: Aw, welcome back, big guy.

I might have been the smartest for a while there,

but Skaar made me remember.

Forgetting to take care of my family and friends,

that's just stupid.

What is the friendship of a few monsters

compared to the blind obedience of thousands.

Destroy the Hulks.

Fail, and I'll devolve you back into hatchlings.

(creatures growling)

Skaar tired of shiny big talk man. (grunting)

High Evolutionary: No, this cannot be.

Only I control the power.

(voice distorting) Only I...

I...

(baby crying)

She-Hulk: His scepter backfired.

He devolved himself into a baby.

Red Hulk: Aw, look at that cute little tyrant.

Hope they don't eat him.

(whooshing)

(She-Hulk sighing)

We've cleared the temporal distortion and we're back in our own time.

Now let's get home, and smash that meteorite.

A-Bomb: (chewing) And, we can take our time now.

Mmm. (munching)

Took on enough food and water to last for months.

Yeah, but the bad news is we still have to ration the TP.

Mmm.

And here's an extra square for our super-smart leader.

Skaar not need, not need ever.

(farting)

In that case, shower time.

Long, hot, and soapy. Right now.

No! Skaar not shower ever!

Two things I'll always remember about today.

One, there's no point in being the smartest creature in the universe

if you forget the people you care about.

And two... Huh.

What was the other thing?

Oh...

Hulk!

You'll suffer for this! I promise!

Oh, well. Whatever it was must not have been very important.

Hulk out.

(closing theme music)