All language subtitles for Agatha.Raisin.The.Quiche.Of.Death.2014.1080p.WEBRip.x265-RARBG2_English

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Woman screams ]

[ Birds chirping ]

AGATHA: One summer,
my dad had a win on the horses.

It was his usual stupid odds,

but this horse
came in at 45 to 1.

Do we have
to keep going over this?

-DR. BRENDON: You know we do.
-AGATHA: [ Sighs ]

And he said to my mum,

"I´m taking you and Aggie
on holiday."

And you went to the Cotswolds?

Yes, we did. He borrowed a tent
and took us camping.

What do you remember
of the holiday?

It was magical
just being in the country.

And at night,
we´d sit around the campfire,

and I´d tell them
which of the beautiful cottages

I was gonna live in one day.

And now that day
is almost here.

Yeah.

-Yet you are still anxious.
-No.

Are you lonely?

No, I´m talking to you.

Well, we´ve established,
Agatha, that you comfort eat

when you´re either
lonely or anxious.

This is my breakfast.

It´s 350 calories,

and this bacon is so tough,

I reckon it takes me
about 400 to chew it,

so I´m actually losing weight
while I´m eating.

And you´re not anxious

about this being
your last day of work?

-No.
-You´ve always defined yourself

through work, Agatha.

We´ve talked about it
being a shield

for your inferiority
and rootlessness...

-[ Computer beeps ]
-...deep inadequacy.

-I´ve got another call coming.
-We´re in session, Agatha.

-Don´t turn me off.
-Aggie, please, we need you.

The boys are launching
their new album this morning,

and a photographer caught Danny
in a hotel room last night

with his wife´s best friend.

Roy, I´m leaving in two days.

You are handling this.

I´m coming into the office
to sign over the company,

-and then I´m going.
-Aggie, please, please.

I can´t stand the woman.
She´s so rude.

It´s why she doesn´t have
any genuine frien-n-ds.

[ Computer beeps ]

[ Crowd screaming ]

CROWD: [ Chanting ]
We want Danny!

We want Danny!

[ Camera shutters clicking ]

-Thank God.
-[ Indistinct shouting ]

It´s a nightmare.

Where are the boys?

In the Marlborough Room.

Has Danny´s wife
had the baby yet?

She´s in the hospital now.

Danny!
Danny!

AGATHA:
Who´s got the story?

ROY:
The Sun´s got the pictures.

Are they deniable?

Oh, no.
They´re not.

ROY: [ Clears throat ]

AGATHA:
What are you doing?

-Freshening him up.
-AGATHA: No, no, no.

We´re taking Danny
out of the album launch.

We´re gonna get him photographed
looking sorry and disheveled

while I brief the media
that it´s the pressures

of being a new father
that are the cause

of this little indiscretion

and that he´s going
to the hospital now

to pray forgiveness
from his wife.

She´s gonna kill me.

And you deserve it,
you little twit.

-Ow!
-Right.

Just get out there
and start looking sad and sorry.

We need your fans
to still love you,

and it´s impossible to feel bad

about someone who looks
like they are suffering.

DANNY: [ Groans ]

Best publicity this album launch
could have hoped for.

Oh, okay.

[ Crowd screaming ]

WOMAN:
Danny Shine of Boyhood

walked out of his album launch
today

promising to grow up.

The pressures of fame have been
overwhelming in recent weeks.

Many of his young fans
were heartbroken

watching the crestfallen figure

hurrying to the hospital
to be with his wife

as she expects
their first child.

-Have you...
-Yeah.

-Oh, and the...
-Mm-hmm.

-Oh, did I tell you --
-Shh.

In entertainment news, Boyhood´s
new album "We Can Be Corrupted"

looks set to become
the fastest-selling album

of the year...

a double success
for lead singer Danny Shine,

who became a father
for the first time this morning.

REPORTER:
How you feeling, Danny?

I couldn´t be happier.

♫ ...that I have been ♫

♫ They leave little traces
inside of me ♫

♫ I climbed over mountains
and found my way back home ♫

♫ So many lessons
that I have learned ♫

♫ They leave an impression
and tell me to return ♫

♫ I walked the wilderness
and found my way back home ♫

-Hip-hip...
-TOGETHER: Hooray!

♫ I was stuck
on a losing streak ♫

♫ But you helped me
to find my feet ♫

♫ And I´m moving on
to better days ♫

♫ And I´m moving on
to better days ♫

I still don´t understand
why you´re leaving us, Aggie.

AGATHA: Because that´s
always been the plan --

earn enough money

and get out of this rat race
before I´m too old. Eh, don´t...

But what are you gonna do
in the Cotswolds?

Build a home.
Fit in.

-You?
-Yes, me.

I´ve always wanted
to live there.

Ever since I as a little girl.

We used to go there on holiday.

But won´t you get lonely
out in the country?

It´s been lonely here.

-You better come and visit me.
-ROY: Sure.

AGATHA: With whoever
you´re currently dating.

What´s his name?

-Steven.
-Steven.

-Oh, Agatha.
-What?

Here´s a little something
just from me.

Oh.
Thank you.

And I thought
you were being nice.

You´d be lost
without a microwave, Aggie.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Are you Mother´s little helper?

No.
That´s Prozac.

How large is large, Gail?

It´s large.

MAN:
That´s slightly sweeter.

WOMAN:
Did you make it yourself?

Are you sure
you´re not coming to the market?

No. I´m feeling a bit peaky
this morning.

Oh, poor darling.
[ Smooches ]

-See you later, then.
-Bye.

[ Door opens, closes ]

How long will she be gone?

Half an hour.

[ Tarzan whimpers ]

-[ Tarzan growls ]
-I´ll get rid of the dog.

Okay.

MAN:
Hello, hello.

See you later, darling.

SHEILA:
Oh, Andy!

-ANDY: Sheila. Ah.
-SHEILA: Oh!

-ANDY: [ Grunts ]
-[ Clattering ]

WOMAN:
Finally, the introduction

of countywide controlled
village parking zones

are the result of almost
two years of intense debate.

[ Up-tempo pop music plays ]

-Rea--
-[ Radio clicks ]

♫ Heaven knows
I´m miserable ♫

Oh! No.

-[ Radio clicks ]
-♫ Perfect ♫

♫ It´s got to be ♫

♫ Worth it ♫

♫ Too many people ♫

♫ Take second best ♫

♫ Well, I won´t take
anything less ♫

♫ It´s got to be ♫

♫ Yeah ♫

-♫ Perfect ♫
-Oh, charming.

Wednesday´s market day.

Must remember that.

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

Hello.

Little cute children.

Oh.

In your own time.

Oh, oh.

[ Horn honking ]

Road hog.

Thank you.

MAN: You have reached
your destination.

[ Car alarm chirps ]

Perfect.

[ Gasps ]

[ Chuckling ] Oh.

Hm.

Perfect.

Perfect.

Hmm?

Mm.

-Who are you?!
-[ Alarm blaring ]

The police!
Turn them off!

Why are you trespassing?

-Just turn them off!
-MAN: Keep that noise down!

Why are you here anyway?

To welcome you to the village.

If you´re the local bobby,
where´s your uniform?

BILL: My name´s
Detective Constable Bill Wong.

I work out of Evesham.

Why the...

Because it makes me
look 30 again.

-Does it work?
-Yes.

I´ve got a rowing machine
and an exercise bike and...

Mm.

Is this
what you´re up to tomorrow?

AGATHA:
Just trying to fit in.

Are you gonna go now?

BILL: I am.

Just do what people do,
and you´ll fit in fine.

-Why do you care?
-Because I´m being friendly.

-Mm.
-It´s a friendly village, this.

People are nice to each other.

Is this all your stuff?

Yes.

It´s like a show home.

Thank you.

Was that an insult?

It looks nice.
That´s what I meant.

Well, why wouldn´t you
just say that?

-"It looks nice."
-It looks nice.

Good.

-Goodbye.
-Right.

[ Door opens, closes ]

ELLA:
Is your wife out tonight, Andy,

or are you just giving the dog
a long walk?

ANDY: She´s doing
her amateur dramatics.

ELLA:
Oh, do your Jack Bauer.

-What?
-Go on. Do your Jack Bauer.

I love that.

[ As Jack Bauer ]
The following takes place

between 10:42 and 10:45,

on the day of the Californian
presidential primary.

ELLA:
Oh, I love "24"!

-Ooh! Oh!
-Yeah!

[ Tarzan whines, Ella moaning ]

Sheila.

I thought
you had finished with her.

Look, love, you´re not my wife.
I´m not answerable to you.

So stop spying on me.

-I´m going to tell her husband.
-[ Sighs ]

-Then you´ll stop seeing her.
-Sheila.

And he´ll hurt you, Andy.

He´ll hurt you -- badly.

Come on, boy.

Oh!

[ Grunting ]

Aah!

Oh!

Whoa.

[ Grunts ]

[ Grunts ]

Oh.

Oh!

[ Panting ]

[ Moaning ]

Oh. Mm.

-Good morning.
-Nice weather for it.

Yes, it is.
It is, indeed.

Beautiful.

-Is that all you want?
-Yes, thanks, Gene.

Oh, what type of quiche

you entering for the competition
this year, Gail?

I thought
ricotta cheese and prawn.

Oh.

I think that would
make me want to vomit.

Oh, well, I gave it
to Sarah Bloxby last week,

and she didn´t throw up,

So I think I´m in with
a better chance than last year.

Oh, I´d love to win.
It´s so prestigious.

It´s nice weather we´re having.

GENE: Yes.

-[ Door opens, bell rings ]
-Oh.

Have you got everything
you need, then, Mrs. Raisin?

Is it possible
to find a cleaner around here?

GENE: Oh, that´s very difficult,
I´m afraid.

AGATHA: Not your wife?

Your mother?
If she´s still active.

GENE: No.

Let´s hope the weather holds
for the weekend.

Yeah. This quiche competition
on Saturday --

Do you know who the judge is?

-Andy Cummings-Browne.
-Ah.

And do you have
his phone number?

[ Cellphone rings ]

ANDY: Yes?

AGATHA: Hello! I´m calling from
the office of Agatha Raisin.

GENE: Who?

AGATHA: She´s just taken up
residence in Carsely

and would like
to arrange a social visit.

Will you be in?

That will be fine.

AGATHA:
Many thanks.

[ Sighs ]

Agatha Raisin.
New to the village.

I believe
my secretary rang ahead.

You´ve just taken
Budgen´s cottage?

-That´s right.
-Hello.

Maybe you can help me.

I was thinking of entering
your great quiche competition,

but I don´t quite know
how to go about it.

Read one of the leaflets.

Good idea.

Would you care to join me
for dinner this evening?

You could give me a few hints
on how to do the things

that people do
when they do things around here.

-It´ll be on me.
-Ah.

Do they do food
at the White Horse?

JO: Oh, we wouldn´t be seen dead
at the White Horse.

They do good food
at The Feathers in Ancombe.

Well, The Feathers it is, then.

I shall see you there.

7:30.

[ Bell ringing ]

Oh. Oh.

Hello.

Lady on the bike.

Agatha Raisin.
New to the village.

Agatha Raisin.

What is it, dear?

I´m your new neighbor...dear.

-What?
-What?

I need a cleaner.

Do you have the name
of a cleaner?

It´s impossible ´round here.

I´m lucky enough to have
the Simpson girl on Thursdays,

but she can´t
possibly fit you in.

Well, you could give me
her number,

and I could give her a try.

Absolutely not.

Right.
Hmm.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

You don´t know where
the Simpson girl lives, do you?

All day Thursday, £12 an hour,
and I´ll provide lunch.

That´s double what I get
from snotty old Sheila Barr.

Will you be
making the lunch yourself?

Mam says all she normally gets
is a salad,

and she´s fed up of them.

No, it´ll be good food --

ready meals, oven chips,
mayonnaise.

Oh, excellent.
Yeah.

Go on, then.
You´re on, then, love.

Well, why don´t you ring Sheila
now and break the bad news?

Yeah.
All right.

Hello, dear.

You must have seen them.

Littering up the village green.

Bored out of their box.

No morality.

Goodness knows
what they get up to.

Oh, the bill´s on its way,
I think.

I just need the ladies´.

ANDY: Nothing that a few years
in barracks wouldn´t sort out.

-WAITER: Your bill, madam.
-AGATHA: Oh, thank you.

WAITER: Madam.

As a single woman living alone,
Mrs. Raisin,

if you ever get scared
by the noises of the night,

-you must call me.
-Why?

I could come over and protect
you, if that´s what you want.

Any trouble in the night,
just call.

It wouldn´t be any bother
to sort you out.

[ Flames crackling ]

Um [Clears throats]

before I settle this bill...

...would you like
another malt whiskey?

No. Two´s your limit,
isn´t it, darling?

Two is good for me.

Now, tell me, Andy...

what normally wins
the quiche competition?

Oh, spinach usually...

though occasionally
my eye gets caught by tomato.

Mm.

JO: You know you have to submit
them on Friday evening

for judging on Saturday?

Well, I bake
a beautiful spinach.

Ella Cartwright usually does
a spinach, doesn´t she, darling?

I don´t recall.

Ella Cartwright.

Is she my main threat?

She wins every year.

AGATHA:
Well [Chuckles]

I think you´ll find
that my quiche

is known
for being the finest in London.

-WAITER: Thank you, madam.
-Don´t worry about the change.

[ Flames crackling ]

What a nightmare woman.
Hi, Tarzan.

But can she cook?

Well, who cares?

Might get her in
the amateur dramatics, though.

She looks like a drama queen.
Come on, boy.

Let´s get you some food.
Come on, come on.

Good boy.

[ Horns honking ]

[ Siren wails,
indistinct shouting ]

You´ll be asked
to leave the village

if they find out
you´re cheating.

But they won´t, will they?

[ Indistinct conversations ]

JO: Oh, they smell lovely.
On the table over there.

Well done, Davina.
Lovely.

-Hi, Jo.
-Jean, that´s beautiful.

With the cakes on the table
over there. Well done.

AGATHA: Agatha Raisin.
Spinach quiche.

Well done, Agatha.

With the quiche over there.

Oh, Gail, that looks lovely.
You´ve been busy.

[ Blows ]

[ Door opens ]

ANDY: Ah.
That looks really nice.

Shouldn´t you be
in the village hall

instead of lurking ´round here?

Don´t you ever give up?

ANDY:
Nothing puts me off.

I like lurking.

Especially here.

That little kiss
we had last Christmas.

-Don´t.
-Can you still taste it?

I can still taste the mulled
wine, which I had too much of.

Because if we don´t have
another soon, your husband,

your sainted husband,
might get to hear about it.

Andy!

Hi.

Sarah was just telling me
that you might need a hand.

I´m nearly done, actually.

Who´s getting crucified?

I am.

YOUNG MAN: Whoo-whoo!

-Whoo!
-YOUNG MAN #2: Hey, hey!

-[ Horn honks ]
-[ Young men hooting ]

YOUNG MAN #3: Whoo!
[ Horn honking ]

[ Engine revving ]

[ Hooting continues ]

[ Young man
shouts indistinctly ]

-AGATHA: Bugger off!
-YOUNG MAN: Chill out, love.

[ Suspenseful music plays ]

[ Clattering ]

[ Ducks quacking ]

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Tires screeching ]

Excuse me.

Come on!

Quickly!

Come on.
Police business.

[ Siren wailing ]

-Have they taken everything?
-Everything.

BILL: Apart from
your Germaine Greer poster.

And your awards.

Is somebody else there
with you?

The police.

And how does
this make you feel?

Lonely?
Anxious?

Of course it does!

And what do you think
it says about you

that people think
that they can burgle you?

Be quiet.

Well, this is most unusual.

We haven´t had a home burglary
in Carsely for...

Since before I was born, sir.

Moreton-in-Marsh
is a different story.

It´s a hotbed of criminality.

Mostly burglaries.
Never murder.

Which is a shame,

because that´s why you join
the police force, isn´t it?

But I´ve never had one!

And I think
I´d cope with it quite well.

Do you mind if I...

Was anything of value taken?

Yes!

I paid a design team a fortune

to make this place
feel like home...

or a show home.

Well, maybe now you can use
the insurance money

to put what you like
in the house,

because it wasn´t very homely,
Agatha.

You trying to look
for a silver lining?

BILL:
It´s just things.

You´re all right,
which is the main thing.

This is my home, Bill!

Oh! Just...

We´re gonna need you to itemize

exactly what´s been taken,
Mrs. Raisin.

We have to say that.
We never find anything.

[ Chuckles ]

You told me
that if I did what people did

that I would fit in here...

that I would be happy.

You will.

You´ve got the village fete
to look forward to tomorrow.

Oh, God!

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

WOMAN:
Get your raffle tickets here!

-Oh!
-Oh!

WOMAN: Look at that.

Huh!
Good catch!

-Mm.
-WOMAN: You gonna try something?

MAN: Yeah, yeah.
Come on.

WOMAN #2:
Here you go, Andy.

Mmm!

Mmm.

[ Young man laughs ]

[ Indistinct conversation ]

WOMAN: [ Laughs ]
So funny.

-Are you Agatha?
-AGATHA: I am.

Ah.
Sarah Bloxby.

Oh, sorry to hear about
your trouble last night,

but I must admit --
I have never seen a quiche

with such delicate crust.

Thank you.

Now, tell me --
Which one is Ella Cartwright?

Oh. Um...

Ah.
She´s over there in the blue.

AGATHA:
That´s a woman?

SARAH: Not him.
Her.

She´s won it
for the last six years.

Oh, yeah.
I heard about that.

I mean, who does she have
to sleep with around here

to get a run of success
like that -- the vicar?

Well, I hope not.
He´s my husband.

Oh.

She hadn´t here a day before she
swiped the Simpson girl off me.

-Paying her a fortune.
-Oh.

She´s just a blow-in
from London.

She´ll be running back
within a fortnight.

Oh!

Agatha Raisin, spinach.
New to the village.

Gail Murray, mushroom.
Born here.

I´m sorry about your trouble
last night.

-It´s nothing.
-[ Microphone feedback ]

-What will I win if I win the...
-Shh!

-Ladies and gentlemen...
-[ Microphone feedback ]

...if I can interrupt
the chitchat

and the scoffing of biscuits
for a moment.

WOMAN:
Can´t hear you!

-Hey.
-ANDY: Is this working?

MAN:
Speak up!

What will the winner win?

-£5.
-ANDY: Can everybody hear me?

Not a big shiny cup?

I´d like to announce
the results.

There´s been
a tremendous effort,

particularly
in the new potato department.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But I´d like to start with
the most prestigious award --

that of the best quiche.

[ Crowd ohhs ]

And the winner,
this year´s pride of Carsely...

is...

...once again Ella Cartwright.

-Oh! No!
-[ Applause ]

Thank you.

[ "I Will Survive" plays ]

I think we all know
that mine was the best quiche.

I judged otherwise.

Or is everyone in this village

too busy stealing
to know how the world works?

Would you like to take your
quiche home with you, Agatha?

No, thank you.
It´s my gift to him.

He can shove it up his...

[ Low note plays ]

"He can shove the quiche
so far up his ass

you can see it when he burps."

Don´t.
The vicar heard every word.

I don´t know why you bother
with those silly sods.

Because they fit in, don´t they?
They belong.

Really?

AGATHA: Yeah, I mean,
look at the houses they live in.

You live here, in this dump.

No offense.

It is a dump.

All my life
I´ve looked at people

who´ve belonged somewhere.

I still don´t know
how they do it.

Well, I belong here.

-Have another sticky finger.
-I will.

Ooh. Tomorrow after work,
Kyra and I are going shopping.

-Do you want to come?
-Don´t want to intrude.

Oh, no, you wouldn´t be.

It´s not like I´ve got a man,
is it?

And why not?
Look at you.

Big sexy girl like you.

Well, the one I had
buggered off, so...

And the one I really like
doesn´t even notice me.

Have another sticky finger.

[ Muffled ] Will you stop it
with your sticky fingers?

[ Normal voice ] Tomorrow
I´m gonna get dressed up,

and I am going to go to church,
and I am going to apologize.

MAN:
The male lion has three wives

and lives a life of leisure,
impregnating them all in turn.

[ Lion growling ]

What on earth are you watching?

It´s educational.

Well, I´m off to rehearsal.

I brought
that horrid woman´s quiche back.

I´ll say one thing for her,
though -- She can cook.

[ Smooches ]

Which one of his pride
will the beast mount tonight?

MAN:
See you later, son.

Have a good one.

[ Keyboard clacking ]

Is that policeman on again?

Just now.
Yeah.

KYRA:
Why don´t you join?

It´s money, isn´t it?

It might be worth it.

[ Computer beeps ]

40 to 50?

What´s he done that for?

[ Doorbell rings ]

What?

Um, Mrs. Josephs´ cat
has had a litter,

and I wondered if you could do
with some company.

-Oh.
-[ Chuckles ]

[ Gasps ]

Oh! Hello.

Look at you!

How teeny-tiny are you!
Yes.

-Oh, thank you.
-He´s all yours.

You´d better come in.

Come on in,
and I´ll get you a drink.

[ Thunder rumbling ]

GEMMA: I´ve got
a lot to do today, okay,

so you have to be a good girl

and sit quietly
while I get on with it.

KYRA: Okay, Mum.

Tarzan?
Tarzan?

Come on, Tarzan!

Morning, Tarzan.
Are they up yet?

Kyra, can you go in there

and play with
your coloring books, please?

KYRA: Mummy!
Mummy!

[ Bach´s "Toccata and Fugue
in D Minor" plays ]

[ Indistinct conversation ]

Sarah.

Sarah.

I must apologize
for my language yesterday.

Oh, don´t worry.

Emotions were high.
You´d made such an effort.

Everyone was saying
it looked like we had

-a real cook in the village.
-Oh!

-Are you off to a wedding?
-No.

-Oh.
-Careful, Bill!

Morning, Agatha.

AGATHA:
Is he in training for something?

I don´t think so.

[ Panting ]

Where is he?

Bugger me.

Where´s Jo?

JO:
What´s going on?

I didn´t think she was in.

Bill?

Are you sure it was poison?

-Yes, sir.
-[ Camera shutter clicks ]

Next week is the Green Man
Harvest Festival...

a pagan event where the lustful
and lascivious sinners

I see before me will celebrate
our fertile fields

with Morris dances
symbolizing sex orgies

and the general pursuit
of women.

And at the Green Man Festival,

I will represent Christ himself
in this village

strapped to this cross
for your sins.

-[ Siren wailing ]
-This is the only symbol...

-Why are the police here?
-Shh. I don´t know.

That was an ambulance,
not a police siren.

We saw Bill running past
earlier, didn´t we?

What are they talking about?

I don´t know.

And I ask all of you
to support me.

-[ Indistinct conversations ]
-Where are you going?

-Sarah.
-Bye.

Sarah.
Sarah!

We talked about this!

[ Shouts indistinctly ]

What?!

[ Jez shouting indistinctly ]

[ Police radio chatter ]

Right. Check everything
and dust everything.

WOMAN: Yes, sir.

SOCO: Bag it.

[ Siren wailing ]

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
-Bill, what´s happening?

I´m sorry.
It´s an ongoing investigation.

And I can´t tell you anything.

Oh, just spit it out,
for goodness´ sake, boy.

-Andy´s been poisoned.
-[ Crowd gasps ]

What?

MR. BOGGLE:
What did he say?

So, is the wife
a murder suspect in the murder?

Yes, sir.
She fed him his supper.

And can you think of
any other suspect in the murder

who might have murdered him?

Not as yet, sir.
No.

Okay.
Good.

I just want to get this right.

Mrs. Cummings-Murder...

we believe your husband

has been unlawfully killed
by your quiche.

It wasn´t mine.

I didn´t make it.

Then who did?

-Get in the car!
-What do you think I´m doing?!

-WILKES: Go, go, go!
-Seat belt, sir!

[ Siren wailing,
tires screeching ]

Police!
Police!

Is there anyone in there?!

What´s going on?

Have you seen the woman
that lives in this house?

She just left.

On her bike.

She´s running for it.

[ Siren wailing ]

There she is.

Don´t go too fast
over the humpback bridge!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

-Sorry.
-[ Siren wailing ]

Oh!

-[ Vehicle doors close ]
-Agatha Raisin?

Yes?

WILKES:
Did you yourself cook the quiche

you entered
in the recent competition?

Of course I did.

What was in it?

Why would you think that
I wouldn´t know what was in it?

Just answer the question.

Pastry.
Spinach.

Eggy thing.

And bread.

-Bread?
-Bread.

Is that a crime?

I´ll be the judge of that.

Would you make it for us,
please?

N-Now?

-Yeah.
-Okay.

I´ll make a quiche for you.

Eggs are definitely involved,
aren´t they?

Yes.

-And milk.
-And milk.

Thank you.

Right.

For the pastry,
I will need some...

potatoes.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, come on.

It´s hardly cheating, is it?

It´s just
a silly little competition.

Anyway, why aren´t you
running over the fields

chasing Andy Cummings-Browne´s
killer or something?

Because he was poisoned
to death

from eating cowbane
found in your quiche.

Well, that´s what we suspect,
but we´re not sure.

Yeah, we´re not sure,
but we are sure.

We´re awaiting confirmation.

Yes,
we´re awaiting fermentation,

but that was what everyone
in that room thought

-and knows to be true.
-Cowbane?

"A plant
found in some parts of Britain."

Here, for example.

[ Breathes deeply ]
Poor man.

So, who did cook the quiche
you entered in the competition?

If I say, you won´t tell
everyone in the village

that I cheated, will you?

Because if you do, they will
never speak to me again.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Hey!
Where is everybody?!

CORONER: So, the spinach quiche
you submitted

at the village competition
was not baked by you?

No.

[ Spectators gasps, murmur ]

And you said to D.C.I. Wilkes,
"It´s hardly cheating,"

this attempt to willfully
deceive your neighbors

and win £5.

"If I did it in London,
I´d get an OBE,

you pathetic provincial plod."

[ Spectators gasp ]

Dear!

[ Spectator murmur ]

[ Whispering ]
I think he fancies her.

Shh.

CORONER: Did you cook
the quiche yourself?

We do all the baking, sir.

We buy from the grocer
across the street.

He goes to New Covent Garden
every morning for produce.

The cowbane must have got in
with the spinach.

I-I apologize
to Mrs. Cummings-Browne

and her husband´s friends.

It´s a tragic accident.

[ Both crying ]

When I came back from rehearsal,
the television was still on...

which wasn´t unusual for my
husband ´cause he was forgetful.

So I just switched it off
and went upstairs to bed.

My cleaner found his body
in the morning.

It was me.

CORONER: Did you sleep
in separate bedrooms?

I have a bad back.
I need the space.

[ Voice breaking ]
I just thought he´d got down

to the White Horse
for his usual pint.

CORONER:
We heard from your family doctor

that because of your husband´s
high blood pressure,

the shock of having toxins
like those produced by cowbane

in his body
could be very dangerous.

Were you aware of this?

I wasn´t.
No.

My husband
was of the old school, sir.

Very proud.

He would have been embarrassed

to have been thought
so vulnerable.

[ Crying ]

Do you need a glass of water,
Mrs. Cummings-Browne?

I think we´ll adjourn.

[ Gavel bangs ]

GAIL: Oh, Jo.

Murderer!

I did not murder anyone.

It was Mr. Economides.

I didn´t murder anyone either.

If you hadn´t cheated,
Andy would still be alive.

Stop it, Sheila.

Go back to London.

Mrs. Josephs!

I´m so sorry, Agatha.

You should come to church
on Sunday.

Nobody ever died in the village
before you arrived.

[ Sighs ]

You okay?
Come on.

Everybody hates me.

It´ll die down.

You know, a while ago,
someone ran over the pub cat,

and after a couple of years
of hate mail and graffiti

and dog poo being thrown
at their house every night,

people moved on.

-A couple of years?
-[ Sighs ]

With that report
from his doctor,

the coroner´s gonna find
accidental death.

The cowbane obviously got
in the spinach accidentally.

No one´s to blame.

But it might be an idea for you

to go and stay with friends
this weekend, Agatha.

Just to let
all the emotion die down.

Well, do you know what?
I can´t.

Because my only friend
is coming to me this weekend.

[ Speaking indistinctly ]

And I know you like that place,

but I wouldn´t been seen dead
in it, to be honest.

-Sorry.
-[ Sighing ] Oh!

Thank God you´re here.
Oh!

Oh, it can´t be that bad.

It is.

I have never been so hated.

That can´t be true.
Think of how it was in London.

Oh!
I love you, too.

Then why don´t you just sell up
and move away?

Because I don´t want
to move away.

I want to live here.

I´ve always wanted to live here.

And, anyway,
I´ve got nowhere else to go.

Ah.

Hi.
I´m Steve.

Hiya, Steve.

ROY:
Think of it positively, Aggie.

You´ve already cheated,
been burgled, killed someone,

and you´ve been wanted
by the police.

-It´s plain sailing from here.
-At least you´ve made a mark.

ROY: Yes, what did
The Boston Strangler say?

"It´s better
to be wanted for murder

than not to be wanted at all."

This is really not helping.

ROY:
And have you found a man yet?

Any frolicking farmers
caught your eye?

Not a sausage.

It is idyllic here, Aggie.
You cannot leave.

-Is there any cowbane here?
-It doesn´t grow in gardens.

So, where does it grow?
Among the regular vegetables?

No, it´s a marshy plant.
I looked it up.

How many hamburgers can you eat?

-20.
-So, how does a marshy plant

get harvested with spinach?
That´s odd.

Well, it´s not the only thing
that´s odd.

I mean, how come nobody else
has dropped dead?

How come none of the other
deli customers have died?

Or was it
just in the one quiche?

SHEILA:
Excuse me.

That smoke is blowing
all over my garden,

and my brother and I
are trying to have tea.

This your annoying neighbor?

-Yep.
-Pipe down and go away.

Are you going to allow him
to talk to me like that?

Uh...yeah.

-JAMES: Sheila, just leave it.
-Oh!

Did anyone
want Cummings-Browne dead?

Me. After he cheated me out of
winning the quiche competition.

Apart from you.

It was my quiche.

Maybe it was meant for me.

Who´d like to see you dead?

-SHEILA: I would.
-JAMES: Sheila.

But who knew
I was gonna throw a strop

and leave it behind, abandoned,
if I didn´t win?

Anyone who´d spent two minutes
in your company.

-AGATHA: I´m being serious.
-JAMES: Excuse me.

Hi.
The smoke is quite intense.

I wonder if you´d mind
moving the barbecue

to the other side of the garden.

-Got you.
-Yes.

-We´re right on that.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Give that cup to you.

Thank you.

I thought you said there were no
attractive men in the village.

The thing is,
we had to submit the quiche

to the competition
the night before.

So what´s to stop someone baking
a quiche with cowbane...

-and swapping them?
-And swapping them.

If they wanted
Andy Cummings-Browne dead.

-Nothing.
-But who wanted him dead?

This is redemption, Agatha.

You prove there´s a murderer
in the village,

and people
will stop blaming you.

You´ll be respected.
You might even be liked.

Let´s get to work.

Cheers, everybody.

Right, so, who would have known

about Andy´s
high blood pressure?

-His wife.
-AGATHA: Exactly.

And yet, at the inquest,

she said she didn´t know
anything about it,

-which is bollocks.
-Absolute bollocks.

AGATHA: Right.
Who else?

Why do people
want to commit murder?

Money. Sex.
Jealousy. Shame.

Because someone borrows your
favorite T-shirt without asking

and spills orange juice down it.

STEVE: I´ve apologized for that
so many times, Roy.

You just keep bringing it up.

No one spilled O.J. on it.
Whatever.

Sex!

He was definitely a player.

He tried to pick me up
the first day I met him.

So we know
he wasn´t discerning, then.

AGATHA: Why would you use quiche
as a murder weapon?

I mean,
why not just hit him on the head

or chop him into little pieces
with an ax or something?

Because it´s significant.

How, Roy?
How is it significant?

Come on.
Why is it significant?!

Because why does the same woman

win the quiche competition
every year?

With an inferior quiche.

-What´s the story there?
-What is the story there?

-How the hell do I know?
-Were they having an affair?

How the hell do I know?

Well, I´m gonna find out.

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

Come to church and be saved!

Fetes are fatal without Christ!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Bring it on!
-[ Cheers and applause ]

JEZ:
The present of Jesus Christ.

Don´t worry
about the other guys.

AGATHA: I thought
you looked thirsty, Ella.

-Oh, it´s the big poisoner.
-[ Chuckles ]

You must have known
Andy Cummings-Browne well.

Winning all those competitions,
eh?

What have you heard?

Nothing.

I was just thinking about Andy.

[ Breathes deeply ]
Mm.

Andy was lovely.

He weren´t the only one in the
village in a lonely marriage.

AGATHA: Oh.
Did he and Jo not get on?

It was her
that had all the cash.

He said she made him
jump through hoops

just to get drinking money.

-Huh.
-ELLA: All he had

was his Army pension,
and that didn´t go far.

He used to say to me, "Ella,"
he´d say,

"one of these days, I´m
gonna wring that woman´s neck

and get rid of her
once and for all."

When did he tell you this?

Well...

You were shagging him.

Did Jo know?

-No, I´m not...
-Oh.

I´m not saying no more.

Go on. Just tell me.
Tell me if his wife knew.

No, I´ve drunk too much,
and you´re...

I don´t like your questions,
missus.

I´m coming through.
Excuse me. Thank you.

[ Slow music plays ]

[ Cellphone beeping ]

Hello, Mrs. Raisin.

Love to.

[ Chuckles ]

KYRA:
He´s fallen for it.

GEMMA: 7:00 p.m.

Look.

Oh, no.
He´s still in there.

Just a minute.

[ Toilet flushes ]

-Oh.
-Mm.

I´ve been looking for you,
young man.

Yes?

I want to tell you
what I really think.

I´d...love to hear that, Agatha.

Right.

-Look at Jo Cummings-Browne.
-Okay.

Now, if I was doing the P.R.
for a murderer,

that is
exactly what I would advise.

I would get the normally prim
and proper Mrs. Cummings-Browne

to look all disheveled,
to look like she´s suffering,

because it´s impossible
to think badly about someone

when they look like
they´re suffering.

I´m sorry.

Are you accusing
Mrs. Cummings-Browne

-of murdering her husband?
-Why not?

He was shagging Ella Cartwright.

You don´t know that!

-She just told me.
-Oh.

Jo could quite easily have baked
a substitute quiche

-and then fed it to him.
-No. No, no.

The first person police check
in a suspicious death

is the spouse.

We checked her bins,
we checked her kitchen,

and no baking
had been done there for days.

But if she´d found out about him
having an affair...

Agatha.
Agatha...

Bill.
Bill, I know people.

I know how they work.

And I´ve made very good money
out of it for a long time.

Agatha, no one holds you
responsible for Andy´s death.

-Yes, they do.
-No, they don´t.

No one.
No one does.

Stop playing detective.

-Excuse me.
-Come on.

That´s it.

Merrily.

[ Indistinct shouting ]

-[ Bells ringing ]
-Hello.

Sorry.
Could I have a sip of that...

Could you get me a cola?

Ah!
The wages of sin!

How did the Miss-Marple´ing go?

Well, I charged over
to the police making accusations

and made a right tit
out of myself.

-So they were having an affair?
-Yes.

-Had his wife found out?
-I don´t know...yet.

-STEVE: [ Grunts ]
-Oh!

JEZ:
Save your souls!

James, I´ve baked
too many apple pies,

and I don´t know
if you like apple pie,

but I thought
as I had one left over,

I thought maybe Sheila´s brother
could make use of one.

Oh, I don´t know.

I love apple pie.

Thank you, Gail.

Just trying to extend
a warm Carsely welcome.

He´s a bit of all right, him,
isn´t he?

Do you like a bit of posh?

AGATHA: Who?

Did Andy Cummings-Browne
ever try anything on with you?

Why do you ask?

-Well...
-No.

No, Jo knew he was an old goat.

She´d never leave him alone in
the house when I was cleaning.

She knew about Ella?

Oh, she told him to put a stop
to it, like, some time ago.

But recently, someone
kept breaking into the house

and writing messages
on the mirror in lipstick

saying he was
up to his old tricks again.

I had to wipe it off twice now
before starting work.

Why haven´t you
told me this before?

´Cause I´m telling you now.

This is relevant
to my murder inquiry.

Well, Sherlock,
I didn´t know you were having...

He wasn´t murdered.
Agatha, what are you on about?

-What color of lipstick?
-Red.

What shade was it?
Who wears it?

Who was writing these messages
on the mirror?

Oh, stop it.

Stop making things up
to make life more interesting.

It´s dangerous.

I bet you´d feel
like life was more interesting

if you woke up to that
every morning.

They say he´s just retired
after 30 years in the Army.

So he´s used to being
disciplined.

I tend to scare men.
[ Clears throat ]

Well, delicate little creatures,
aren´t they?

Poor little things.

I wouldn´t know how to approach
a man I liked anymore.

Just make an effort.

No, you give an inch.
Let them take a yard.

That´s what they´re doing.

Mr. Lacey, I´ve just decorated
a cake with an Army theme

quite by accident.

I was going to throw it away,
and then I thought, "Oh"...

STEVE: Smile!

Aggie, will you whiz us
back to the train?

You´ll be all right if we go,
won´t you?

Yes.
Yeah, yeah, of course.

What time does that little deli
in Moreton close?

JAMES: Yes?

Yes.

What?

Uh...

I´m Agatha Raisin
from next door.

-My sister´s out.
-Yes, I saw her go.

I was just passing
that nice little deli in Moreton

and I thought to myself,
"Well, Sheila´s brother

looks like an eater."

You´re the woman
who poisons people.

I can see
where you´re coming from.

If I´m honest, I´ve been given
quite a lot of pies and puddings

-since arriving in the village.
-Yes, tell me.

I know.
You have got to be so careful.

I know what you mean.

I mean, obviously I don´t know
what you were like before

in terms of weight.

I mean, you´re still attractive.

Very attractive.
[ Breathes deeply ]

If you´ll excuse me.

What are you eating --
reading?

What are you reading?
The book.

Well, now I´ve got
a bit of time,

I´m writing
some military history.

Oh, boring.

[ Sighs ]

-When are you going?
-Right now.

-Goodbye.
-Bye.

[ Sighs ]

I´ve always wanted
to live there.

Ever since I was a little girl.

We used to go there on holiday.

ROY: But won´t you get lonely
out in the country?

[ Kitten meows ]

AGATHA:
It´s been lonely here.

-Hello.
-Hello.

Kyra, isn´t it?

My mum said
you´ve got to be bloody nice.

Okay.
Why?

´Cause she lied her ass off
on the website.

You want to know
where Agatha is.

Don´t you?

-Oh.
-[ Knock on door ]

Oh, Agatha.
So glad you could come.

I thought our stuffy
little Ladies Committee

might not be for you,

but we could do with
some business experience.

-Raising money and so forth.
-Do you know what?

I was just sitting at home

thinking
I would much rather be here.

Well, that´s wonderful spirit.
Let me introduce you.

Sarah, before we go in,
can I ask you a quick question?

Of course, yes.

Well, there´s some rumors
flying about in the village,

and and I don´t want to speak
ill of the dead or anything.

-Sounds like you´re going to.
-I am, yes.

Was Andy really
a bit of a skirt-chaser?

He wasn´t.

It´s just that, you know,
I heard...

-I mean...
-He wasn´t.

Okay.

Yep.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Conversations stop ]

Sit here.

Ladies, we have a very special
and talented woman

with us here tonight.

Please, stand up.

WOMAN: Oh.

Oh.

But before Mrs. Josephs
shows us her photographs

of Carsely past and present,

it is unfortunately
that time of the month again

when Mr. and Mrs. Boggle
are due their trip out, and...

-Agatha will do it.
-Agatha will do it.

Great.
That´s settled.

Pick them up tomorrow morning,
Agatha.

Mrs. Josephs.

-What´s wrong with the Boggles?
-Shh.

I fancied you
the first time that I saw you,

but I didn´t want anyone to know

´cause I would have
been embarrassed.

Because I was head boy?

No.
´Cause you´re a total square.

´Cause you wore
your school uniform

to the school Christmas disco,
Bill.

I thought
it was an official event.

No one dances to Oasis
in their blazer

or knows all the words
to "Mistletoe and Wine."

-[ Chuckles ]
-Did you fancy me?

You know I did.

I used to try
and sit next to you in physics.

But you always had Gary.

Gary the bastard.

It wouldn´t have worked
back then, Gem.

And it´s not going to work now,
is it?

-Why not?
-Well, because...

because how could it?

Look how different we are.

So you´re gonna go after
the older women, then, are you?

You´ll make an ass of yourself.

I´m gonna go.

We shouldn´t have done this.

[ Sighs ]

MRS. JOSEPHS: And this is
Carsely taken by my grandfather

in 1904.

You´ll notice
the absence of cars

and that Gail´s little house

was originally built
as the public toilet.

[ Light laughter ]

In more recent years, I´ve taken
over the mantle, as you know.

And here´s the village fair

with Jo winning
for her flower arranging...

and Ella Cartwright winning
the quiche competition again,

an honor she inherited
from our host Sarah,

who won for the best quiche
one...

...two...

...three years on the trot.

He was a nice man, Jo.

-[ Ringtone plays ]
-Oh. Sorry.

I´ve, uh...

I´ve got to...take this.

Hi.
We think we should warn you.

AGATHA:
I´ve got another suspect, Roy.

I think there was
something unholy going on

between the dead man
and the vicar´s wife!

-Calm down, calm down.
-I can´t calm down.

Looking through Steve´s pictures
of Green Man,

we can see a woman
staring at you with real hatred.

-I´ll send it now.
-He´s sending it now.

-AGATHA: Oh, God.
-[ Laughter ]

It´s like
"The Witches of Eastwick" here.

[ Laughter continues ]

ROY:
She looks like a witch, Aggie.

She´s really scary.

They can be real nutters
in the countryside.

Has she seen "The Wicker Man"?

-Have you seen "The Wicker Man"?
-Oh!

I´m looking at the woman now.

-Do you know her?
-No.

Do you think he was having
an affair with her, as well?

AGATHA: I think he was probably
shagging the whole village, Roy.

I´m telling you, there is
something going on here.

[ Laughter ]

YOUNG MAN:
All right, boys.

[ Indistinct conversation ]

-DRIVER: White Horse, Carsely.
-We´re here now.

Let´s get off.

Right,
see you next week.

-Mwah!
-Mwah!

AGATHA: Ella.

Oh, no. I don´t want to talk
to you again, London Lady.

Just one quick question.

Now, tell me --

When Sarah Bloxby kept winning
the quiche competition,

was there something going on
between her and Andy?

What´s it worth?

You want information for money?
What are you -- the Mafia?

I´ve just done a bundle
down the bingo, love.

If my John finds out,
he´s going to hammer me.

£10?

-£20.
-[ Sighs ]

What the vicar didn´t see,
the vicar didn´t know.

That´s all there is
to say on the matter.

[ Gasps ]
Another little question.

What about this lady here?

Any idea who she is?

Um...

No.
Not from ´round here.

Was Andy diddling her, and all?

-Ella!
-[ Gasps ]

-Oh, John.
-Get in there.

-John, don´t.
-Go on!

-AGATHA: Mr. Cartwright!
-You´re hurting me!

You...

keep your nose out
and stop asking questions.

If I see you do it again...

You´ll what?

Sorry. You didn´t actually
finish your sentence.

You know what I mean.

Actually, no,
I don´t know what you mean

because you didn´t finish your
sentence, you uneducated ape!

Oh. Nope.
You know, I´m getting it.

I think I understand exactly
what you´re talking about.

-Well, good morning.
-Mm.

You, uh...

not doing any cleaning today,
then?

-I´m feeling depressed.
-[ Sighs ]

-What´s all this?
-It´s a mood board

about
Andy Cummings-Browne´s death.

We used to use them all the time
at work.

What, when people died?

So, these are my suspects --
John, the jealous husband;

Sarah,
the shameful vicar´s wife.

Why have you got the volcano?

Well, that´s there to signify
an eruption of lust and anger.

Oh, right.

Sarah Bloxby.

She was the only one that was
wearing red lipstick yesterday.

It was that sort of shade.

Now, is that the same color
as the writing on the mirror?

No, it was lighter than that.

It was like a peach.
Like that.

Wait a minute. You taking
the Boggles out today?

Oh, bugger me.

You´re very, very late.

Just be pleased I´m here at all.

We thought you might like
to go to the garden center

in Stow-on-the Wold.

There are things
I need to do today.

We´re not going
to a bloody garden center.

-You´re taking us to Bath.
-Bath.

Bath?

-Bath. Bath.
-Bath. Bath.

You could both do with a bath,
you smelly pair.

-Oi!
-And we´re going

to Sally Lunn´s kitchen
for a slap-up meal,

-and London Lady´s paying.
-Paying.

You´ve got to treat the elderly
right in a village like this.

Right, well,
let´s not go to Bath, then.

Let´s go to Dignitas
in Switzerland.

Is it nice there?

-I´d enjoy it.
-Ooh.

We were worried you was gonna
bring us a packed lunch.

With a slice of quiche.

[ Sarcastically ] Yeah, yeah.
Ha ha. Very good.

You never had a chance
of winning that competition.

Everyone knew Andy
was diddling Ella Cartwright.

The whole village
knew what Randy Andy was like.

He was after the vicar´s wife
for ages.

Kept on giving her
the quiche prize.

Yeah.

Then he goosed her once
up the side aisle.

She went straight to Jo
and told her.

She´s petrified
the vicar will find out.

-Thinks it might send him...
-Bl-bl-bl-bl-bl!

Yeah.
Doolally again.

He´s manic-depressive.

Yeah, Ella told me
he´d had an affair with Sarah.

-Did you give Ella money?
-Huh?

That elephant would do anything
for bingo money.

That´s how Cummings-Browne
got his way with her.

Yeah.
That´s right.

Who else did he try and seduce?

-Sheila Barr.
-Sheila Barr.

[ Tires screech ]

-Oh!
-Oh!

Ohh!

Ohh!

[ Scoffs ]

But Sheila was Jo´s best friend.

She made a right fool of herself
during that play last year.

She done a play with him
last year.

Some romance
set in the Indian Rajer.

-Raj.
-Indian Raj.

She told him she loved him
during the curtain call,

and he was to meet her
after the show at their...

-usual place.
-Usual place.

The only trouble was,
is her microphone was still on.

-Still on.
-Sheila.

What about this woman?
Is she another one of his?

Oh. That´s Maria Borrow.
Rich as anything.

-Mad as a cat.
-Mm.

Her late husband
ran a couple of banks.

-Lives in Bourton.
-Bourton.

-Bourton-on-the-Water?
-No, Bourton-on-the-Hill.

No, no.
Bourton-in-the-Hole.

-No, it´s the Hole.
-Which bloody Bourton?

Why can´t you people
give these places proper names,

like Fulham or Chelsea?

What is wrong with you people?!

-Bourton-on-the-Hill.
-Bourton-on-the-Hill.

Right!

-[ Engine revs ]
-Oh! Oh!

Oh!

-Oh!
-Oh!

-Oh!
-Oh!

MRS. BOGGLE:
This isn´t the way to Bath.

AGATHA:
We´re not going to bloody Bath!

[ Bleats ]

[ Chimes tinkling ]

[ Tinkling continues ]

Maria Borrow.

MARIA:
I knew you would come to see me.

Really?
Did you?

MARIA:
The trees were telling me.

I heard it in their song!

Okay, right.

Well, let´s get
straight back down

to planet Earth, then, shall we?

This is you, isn´t it?

You poisoned my future husband.

Andy Cummings-Browne?

We were engaged.

But he was married.

He said
that he was divorcing her...

for a life with me.

You were shagging, then?

AGATHA: That´s why you broke
into their house

and wrote messages in lipstick,
´cause you were trying

to break up his marriage.

I do not use lipstick.

I never use unnatural cosmetics.

And, no, we were not shagging.

I had agreed to consummation
at the next full moon.

But your evil deed, Mrs. Raisin,

has denied Andrew and me
our future.

And evil must be punished
by curse of death.

[ Bleats ]

Which is what you
were doing here. Wasn´t it?

You will die
a horrible, lonely death

witnessed only by the trees
that will sing a song

of your empty life.

[ Chimes tinkling ]

[ Bird squawking ]

[ Tinkling continues ]

[ Cellphone rings ]

Hello?

AGATHA:
Andy was obviously murdered.

I´m convinced of it.

Who by, Agatha?

Well, there´s Sheila.

No. No.

-Hello?
-BILL: H-Hello?

-Hello?
-BILL: I can´t hear you.

-Hello?
-Yes.

Sheila, who obviously
felt jilted by him,

which would have been
a huge blow to her pride.

Considering the other nutters
that he was knobbing.

Plus, I´ve unearthed
some evidence

that he was pressurizing Sarah
into having sex.

-She´s the vicar´s wife, Agatha!
-AGATHA: Exactly.

Which gives her a huge motive

to get him out of the way
and cover up the affair.

There´s rich and crazy
Maria Borrow.

Bill,
there are suspects everywhere!

GEMMA:
High blood pressure.

AGATHA: All of these women
would have known him intimately,

so they would have been aware
of his high blood pressure.

Could you not do that
by the side of the road, please?

Needs must!

-[ Sloshing ]
-Oh!

Agatha,
you´re sounding paranoid.

Stop sticking your nose
into other people´s business.

Paranoia, Bill, is just
another word for police work...

which you don´t seem
to be doing.

I know that man was murdered.

John Cartwright.
There´s another one.

He was being cheated on,
so he´s got a motive.

I am not gonna investigate
John Cartwright

whatever you think you know.

Stop looking into this.

Oh, sorry.
Losing you. Can´t hear you.

BILL: Agatha?
Agatha?

[ Thud ]

AGATHA:
Peachtree Pink lipstick.

Am I right?

I´ve no idea
what you´re talking about.

Just be quiet.

Peachtree Pink on the mirror.

Keep your voice down,
you silly woman.

Why?
What were you going to do?

Drive a wedge between them

so you could have him
all to yourself?

I´ve known women like you,
marriage breakers.

You get spurned, and you become
all bitter and desperate.

You start breaking into houses.

You´re bunny-boilers,
quiche-bakers!

I was trying to warn my friend

about
her husband´s philandering.

You wanted him all to yourself,
didn´t you?

I didn´t.

JO:
Yes, you did, Sheila.

You were in love with him,
weren´t you?

Ladies,
maybe we should go inside,

and you can talk about it there.

When did you first know
about all this?

Can you just go now, Agatha?

I´ve always known about it.

It´s what Andy was like.

Sheila.

Ella Cartwright.

He´d have had you if he´d lived.

Uh, he wouldn´t.

I´m sorry.

I wanted you to know
so I could have him for myself.

I´m sorry, Jo.

If you knew about all this,
why didn´t you just punch her?

SHEILA: He said
he´d stopped seeing Ella,

but then she won the competition
again, and I knew he hadn´t.

JO:
He always lied.

It´s what he was like.

[ Voice breaking ]
But he´d never have left me.

I´m so sorry.

[ Jo crying ]

What about the poisoned quiche?

TOGETHER:
Just go away!

If I had a girlfriend
who´d shagged my man...

If you had a man.

If I had a man.

I wouldn´t hug her.
I´d rip her eyes out.

I did the P.R.
for the wife of a film star

when they were
going through a divorce,

after he´d had an affair
with her sister.

And what I did for her
was dignity.

Dignity?

Yeah.

She forgave her sister
on "Oprah," there was a big hug,

and she got a huge settlement.

Afterwards, it transpired
that she´d never loved him,

and the sisters
had played this long game

in order to disgrace him and
get their hands on his millions.

Yeah, but that´s the world
of movie stars, isn´t it?

They´re all crazy.

They´re still people.

And there was something stagy
about Jo´s hug.

There´s been something staged
about her ever since he died.

You don´t think they´re in it
together, though, do you?

I think if the police
got them in for questioning,

frightened them a bit,
one of them would crack.

Yeah, but they´re not gonna
do that, though, are they?

They´re not daft.

[ Telephone rings ]

Inspector Wilkes, Murder Squad.

BILL:
[ Clears throat ]

South Gloucestershire Police.
How can we help you?

AGATHA: Inspector,
this is Agatha Raisin.

I think Andy Cummings-Browne
was murdered.

And I have two suspects.

AGATHA´S DAD: See? I told you
our luck would change.

Now get the sausages on.
I´m famished.

Agatha.
Aggie.

Agatha.
Where are you going?

I´m just gonna look at
my cottage.

Dinnae be too long, Aggie.
Dinner will be ready.

-Okay, Dad.
-Any more of these lagers?

AGATHA: [ Humming ]

-Do you want another?
-Aye.

[ Chimes tinkling ]

[ Birds squawking ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Aah! Oh!

-Ohh.
-[ Dog barking ]

Oh.

Oh.
[ Groans ]

-[ Grunts ]
-YOUNG MAN: Oi!

-What you doing?
-Get back!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Look out, boy!

YOUNG MAN #2:
Come on, then.

JOHN:
Stay away!

[ Indistinct shouting ]

Don´t chase him.
We´ve all seen who he is.

[ Groans ]

-Are you all right?
-Uh, no.

-Not really.
-Let´s get you in your house.

Okay.

Mm! Aah!

What happened?

NEIL: She´s just been attacked
by John Cartwright.

Put your arm here.

Okay.
[ Groans ]

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Okay, one, two, three.

[ Straining ]

I´m heavy-boned.

Let me do it.

Oh. Ohh.

Let´s get you some sweet tea.

Okay.

Bill said they´re releasing
the two jailbirds

you got taken in
for questioning.

Do they know it was me
who called the police?

Not if I don´t tell them.

But they might guess
by themselves.

I was right, though, wasn´t I?

There was a murderer
in the village.

He tried to take me out ´cause
he thought I was onto him.

Well, you´ve covered your bases
by accusing everyone in Carsely.

Yeah, well...

we don´t need to tell anyone
about that, do we?

We won´t say anything.

AGATHA:
Thank you.

Thanks for your help, though.

Well, we had a motive
to keep you alive, Mrs. Raisin.

-We were coming to find you.
-Why?

SAM: We know what everyone
in the village thinks of us.

That we´re useless.

But we´ve borrowed
a bit of money

and set up a firm
in my dad´s garage

selling secondhand quad bikes.

You two are running a business?

We´ve got a website
and a few orders,

but we could do with some help
with the publicity.

NEIL:
You´re big in P.R., aren´t you?

Well, I was.

I´m not really anything anymore.

Are you all right, Agatha?

She´s in shock.

We´re both in shock.

You mean you´ve had
some orders for those things?

I´d love to help.

-We´ll leave it with you.
-BILL: Right.

Well, come on.
Everyone out.

´Cause I need to get ´round
to the Cartwrights,

but I´ll come back straightaway.

I´ll stay with her.

Are you all right
with him staying here?

I don´t have to go.

Go on, Bill.
She´ll be all right.

-[ Police radio chatter ]
-Excuse me, Ella.

Thank you.

[ Siren wailing ]

We found loads of stuff
in Cartwright´s shed.

The stuff burgled
from Mrs. Raisin´s last week

and a few others
in Moreton-in-Marsh.

That was all Cartwright?

Yeah, but why did
he attack Mrs. Raisin?

She didn´t accuse him of murder.

Well, she´s been
snooping around his wife,

asking about
the Cummings-Browne death.

But she said he couldn´t bake
a quiche to save his life,

and the night
Cummings-Browne died,

they were both down a club
in Cirencester.

He must have thought she was
snooping about the burglaries.

Have we got him?

His van
was seen heading down the Fosse.

MAN: Attention all units.
Attention all units.

The suspect John Cartwright

has been apprehended
south of Princethorpe.

JAMES:
I´ll pass that on, Bill.

John Cartwright had nothing
to do with Andy´s death.

She says she´s very sorry

for interfering
with police business.

Yes, she´s very sorry.

Bye.

AGATHA: I´ve made a right mess
of things, haven´t I?

[ Sighing ] Mm...

I don´t know
what I was thinking about.

I´m never going to fit in here.

I´m gonna go back to London.

Don´t be put off.

Stop this madness
and just give things time.

AGATHA:
I used to be someone, you know.

I had my own business, and
I was bloody good at what I did.

I don´t doubt it.

And now the highlight of my week

is seeing Mrs. Boggle
urinate by the side of the road.

No, I have to go, before I face
the wrath of your sister and Jo.

-[ Kitten meows ]
-Oh.

Hello, you.

We are going to go back
to London, aren´t we?

And we are gonna make it
sit up and take notice again.

[ Siren wailing ]

[ Horn honks ]

MAN: Hooray!

[ Crowd singing indistinctly ]

ROY:
Pedmans closed the little office

and moved us to their big place
in Aldwych.

Oh, come on.
You and I both know

that the clients
don´t like the corporate stuff.

It´s the personal touch
they like.

So I´ve got a proposition
for you.

-Oh.
-I´m setting up business again,

and I want you to be my partner.

I´ll give 23...

5.
25% of the company.

25% of what, Aggie?

All your clients
have come to Pedmans.

They´re happy there.
I´m happy there.

Oh, well, I´m ecstatic for you.
Great.

All right, then.
I´ll set up on my own.

I´ll give the cat
25% of the company.

Why, Aggie?
What do you need to prove?

AGATHA:
I need to prove...

I need to prove
that Andy Cummings-Browne

was murdered, because I just --
I don´t know. I just feel it.

I feel it in my bones.

And when have you
ever known my bones

-to be wrong about anything?
-ROY: Okay.

Who did your bones
first tell you was the killer?

His wife.

Then trust that, Aggie.

And think it through.

The thing I don´t understand is
why his wife would stay with him

if she knew
that he´d slept with everyone.

DR. BRENDON:
Well, some women

are pleased
their men go elsewhere.

No, they´re not.

They are.

They´re not.

-They are.
-[ Sighs ]

Fidelity is not important
to them.

But they would have
some other hold

that they would protect
violently

-if it were threatened.
-Like status...

or money.

Exactly.

A woman like this would be
protective of the hold

that her money, say,
had on him.

The psychological profile
has been well mapped...

-Oh, God.
-...by Jung, by Freud.

Fritz Closius wrote a very
interesting -- No, no. Wai--

Have a nice day.

I realize I´m the last person
you ever want to see again,

-but I...
-No.

You´re
the second-to-last person.

...I really need to know.

I want you to tell me again
how you think that the cowbane

could have got
into the spinach quiche.

Go away.
Please.

Okay.

Who´s the last person
you ever want to see again?

That Mrs. Cummings-Browne.

Every time the door opens,

I dread looking up
in case it´s her.

She came here?

The day after the inquest.

What did she want?

£100,000.

Out of court.

Said if I didn´t settle, she´d
sue me for every penny I had.

What did you say?

I told her it wasn´t my quiche.

Wasn´t it?

You´re not the only one
who cheats, Agatha.

That weekend I was down
at my cousin´s in Devon.

We have the same business.

And even though we say
baked on the premises,

I borrowed some of his quiche

so we didn´t have
to come back a day early.

Yours was one of his.

Why didn´t you say all this
at the inquest?

[ Sighs ]
My cousin´s daughter.

Her husband´s not yet registered
with the British authorities.

And the boy´s working for his
father-in-law without a permit,

so we didn´t want
the police snooping around.

And when you told Jo all this,
what did she do?

Well, I thought
she was gonna sue my cousin,

but she cooled down straightaway

and withdrew
all demand for money.

I´ve no idea why.

I think I do.

[ Horn honking, ducks quacking ]

Mrs. Josephs.

Hi.
Do you have a moment?

Oh, hello, Agatha.
How nice to see you.

There was a rumor
you´d left the village.

Sheila Barr was beside herself
with happiness.

Hello, little one.

I just wanted to thank you
for the kitten.

So hard to find good homes
for them.

Also, I can´t stop thinking

about the photographic
slide show from the other night.

And just wondered
if I could maybe show

Gemma and Kyra a few of them.

We´re fascinated by photography.

Of course.

I could get them up
on the computer.

What am I looking at here?

AGATHA:
Look closer.

-I don´t know.
-Oh, for God´s sake, Bill.

What kind of plant is that?

Cowbane?

TOGETHER: Yes!

BILL:
So, Jo used cowbane

in her flower arrangement
three years ago.

-What does that prove?
-It proves she knew the plant.

-I knew the plant.
-No, you didn´t.

You had to look it up in your
little black book a week ago.

And secondly, why did
she withdraw the threat

of legal action
against Mr. Economides

after she found out that
the quiche was baked in Devon?

-Does cowbane grow in Devon?
-No, it doesn´t.

It only grows
in certain parts of Britain,

-and Jo would have known that.
-She´s guilty as sin.

I´m not arresting
that woman again, Agatha.

She had no motive.

She knew of his affairs
and was able to live with them.

And no baking had taken place
in her kitchen for days.

We´re gonna be late, Bill.

[ Sighs ]
Let it go.

Where are you going?

Dress rehearsal
in the village hall.

Andy used to do the lighting.
We said we´d help out.

There´s an oven in
the village hall, isn´t there?

Ooohhhh.

Oooohh.

Oooohhh.

No, Sarah, Sarah.
Give it more "oooooohhh!"

Ooooooohhhhhh!

Okay, this light´s
much too bright, Bill.

What I need --
When we see Sarah,

I want a real sense
of the moral sewer.

Do you think
we could try and capture that?

-Oh!
-Oh!

BILL: Sorry.
Oh.

-WOMAN: Bill!
-Let me.

Try the Fresnels, Mr. Lacey.

We need to believe you.
I´m not believing you.

Oh, great.
Put that on the stage.

That´s lovely.
Thank you.

More, darling.

-[ Tapping on window ]
-SARAH: Ooohhh!

-Oooohhh!
-BILL: And thunder coming up.

-[ Thunder crashes ]
-JO: It´s not big enough, Sarah.

I need you to lift the roof off
with your "ooohhs"!

Please!
Come on!

SARAH: Oooohhh!
Ooohhhhh!

JO: Ohhh!
Oh-oh!

-Can I help you?
-Hmm?

I thought
you´d left the village.

No.
No.

I was just listening in.

I´m very excited
about seeing this play,

and I thought I might be able
to get a sneak preview.

-Hi.
-Hi.

Agatha was wanting
to buy a ticket.

I was telling her
that they´re £4.50

and can be purchased
from the vicarage.

And we don´t allow
sneak previews, Agatha.

[ Sighs ]
Okay.

Well, I´ll go to the vicarage
and get myself a ticket, then.

Thank you.

Okay, it´s simple.

You just got to press that,
and it records.

AGATHA:
I know.

[ Doorbell rings ]

[ Cellphone beeps ]

JO: Oh, Agatha,
what a surprise.

I want to talk to you.

It´s about the ticket?

I´ve just put some coffee on,
actually.

Would you like some?
Come in.

Would you like sugar, Agatha?

AGATHA:
Yes, of course.

Now...

what is it?

Thank you.

I know
you murdered your husband.

[ Chuckles ]
Why would I do that?

Oh, I, uh...

I think you planned it
for some time.

You baked a poisoned quiche
in the village hall

so you could take it home
saying it was one

of the competition entries.

And it just happened to be me
that submitted a spinach one

and left it behind.

And then you being the
money-grubbing cow that you are

thought
you would blackmail the deli

until you realized
that the spinach

had been cooked in Devon,
where there´s no cowbane.

And I know
that you know what cowbane is...

because you used it
in your flower arranging.

Yes, Mrs. Josephs told me

you´d asked
for a photocopy of that picture.

I´m right, though, aren´t I?

Agatha, darling,
I knew he played around.

If he was doing that elsewhere,

at least he wasn´t trying
to do it with me, was he?

Which, frankly, was a relief.

But you minded when he struck up
with Maria Borrow, didn´t you?

When you realized that he
was going to trade you in

for an even richer woman.

You didn´t like that, did you?

When did you realize that...

that he´d agreed to marry her?

That he was going to...

to trade you in...

for crazy Maria?

[ Echoing ] Maria.

Crazy money.

[ Breathes deeply ]

The coffee...

You think you´re so clever,
don´t you, Agatha?

Well, only a crass idiot would
drop in to accuse a poisoner

and then drink her coffee.

GEMMA:
What are you doing?

BILL:
What?

GEMMA:
What are you doing?

What am I doing?
What are you doing?

What am I doing?
I´m hiding behind some bins.

BILL: Oh.

Well, I was just thinking
maybe I should talk to Jo.

Something Agatha said
about the cowbane.

Why are you
hiding behind some bins?

Waiting for Agatha.

Why?
Where is she?

Coffee...
And crazy money.

It´s just horse tranquilizer,
Agatha.

It´s nothing to worry about.

No, no.
Don´t.

I´ve put the script down here,
laid it all out.

Crazy money.

I´m just gonna get
a nice hot coal...

...put it on top of the script.

-[ Gasps ]
-It´ll be such a sad accident.

[ Breathes deeply ]

It´s so good that the house
is so heavily insured.

Crazy...

-Jo...
-[ Doorbell rings ]

No.

No.

Coming!

[ Ringing continues ]

-[ Knock on door ]
-Come on, Tarzan.

[ Knock on door,
doorbell rings ]

Bill. I was just about to take
Tarzan for a walk. Is it urgent?

Well, I just had a couple
of questions, really, Jo.

Can I come in?

Well, can we talk and walk?
´Cause I´m rather late.

Yeah, he´d just like to know why
you didn´t sue Mr. Economides

over the death of your husband.

Well, because
it was a genuine accident.

I didn´t want the hassle.

It had nothing to do with
cowbane not growing in Devon?

Well, why would it?

-Is something on fire in there?
-No, I don´t think so.

There´s smoke.
Look.

[ Moaning ]

Help!
Help me!

Oh, my God, that´s Agatha!

-Go after her!
-Oi!

-Get off me!
-No!

Get off!
Get off me!

Why are you running, Jo?

[ Coughing ]

Agatha!

Agatha!

Agatha!
[ Coughs ]

A sad accident.

ROY: [ Distorted ] Crazy money.
Hello.

[ Cackles ]

Crazy money.

Hi, Roy.

[ As Agatha ] Coffee...

Crazy money...

Yes, very good.

[ Normal voice ] They´re
the only things you´ve said

for about 12 hours.

What are you doing here?

I´m opening a florist´s.
What does it look like?

Of course I´m here.
Gemma called me.

Mm.

Any of these flowers
from James Lacey?

No.
Mostly from D.C. Wong,

who sat outside the door
all night with his cougar crush.

[ Chuckles ]
I was right.

We were right.

Uh, where do you think
you´re going?

I´m going home.

And where is that, Aggie?

♫ I was stuck
on a losing streak ♫

♫ But you helped me
to find my feet ♫

♫ And I´m moving on
to better days ♫

♫ I´m moving on to better days ♫

♫ I was trying
to find the road ahead of me ♫

♫ A change of scenery ♫

♫ But it seemed
every door to me was closed ♫

♫ Now it´s all history ♫

♫ Now I find myself
looking in the mirror ♫

♫ Not minding what I see ♫

♫ Everything´s fine,
and now I´m here ♫

♫ I was stuck
on a losing streak ♫

Nice to see you.

♫ And now I never admit defeat ♫

-♫ ´Cause I can only win ♫
-♫ Yeah, yeah ♫

-♫ I can only win ♫
-♫ Oh ♫

♫ So many places
that I have been ♫

♫ They leave little traces
inside of me ♫

Good to see you.
Welcome back.

♫ ...and found
my way back home ♫

♫ Found my way back home ♫

♫ So many lessons
that I have learned ♫

♫ They leave an impression
and tell me to return ♫

♫ I walked the wilderness
and found my way back home ♫

DR. BRENDON: And now that you´ve
settled into your new life,

Agatha,
how does it make you feel?

Anxious? Lonely? Unloved?

Like you´ve just given up?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don´t turn me off!

-AGATHA: Be quiet.
-[ Computer beeps ]

♫ And found my way back home ♫