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1
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,000
Come on, guys, you can watch
this rubbish later.
2
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,680
TV:'..how much this means to you.
I want this 110%.
3
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,600
'Cos at the end of the day,
singing is me destiny.'
4
00:00:22,640 --> 00:00:25,280
Look at this - next-door's cat's
gone missing.
5
00:00:25,320 --> 00:00:28,000
Stolen...probably.
6
00:00:28,040 --> 00:00:31,360
Honestly, the crime rate round here!
We are getting out just in time.
7
00:00:31,400 --> 00:00:33,200
Where's the remote?
8
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:36,080
Debs, can you please remember
to sign this today?
9
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,680
There's no off switch!
There's literally no off switch.
10
00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:42,640
Debs, contracts. Needs to be
at the solicitor's today.
11
00:00:42,680 --> 00:00:44,440
-Uh-huh.
-Problem?
12
00:00:44,480 --> 00:00:45,720
No!
13
00:00:46,960 --> 00:00:49,240
Good. Nothing.
14
00:00:49,280 --> 00:00:52,000
Right, is that ACTUAL nothing
15
00:00:52,040 --> 00:00:55,160
or upset with me for reasons
I can't guess nothing?
16
00:00:55,200 --> 00:00:57,000
I said "nothing", so...
17
00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:01,720
OK, well, if nothing's wrong,
then...then I'll be off.
18
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:03,640
-OK.
-Right, come on, kids!
19
00:01:03,680 --> 00:01:06,080
Come on, Daddy, time for school!
20
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:11,080
GLASS SMASHES
21
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,040
Don't worry. It's just some pickle.
You've got a spare.
22
00:01:15,080 --> 00:01:18,080
-What are you doing?!
-Food for the
Elders. You said it was all right.
23
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,520
At least take some vegetables.
24
00:01:20,560 --> 00:01:22,200
Hang on!
25
00:01:22,240 --> 00:01:24,680
-What's all this?!
-Ah, right, well.
26
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:27,360
I just took stuff I knew
you wouldn't miss.
27
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:31,040
You know, remote control,
the single sock, the window keys,
28
00:01:31,080 --> 00:01:34,280
batteries... That is exactly
the sort of stuff people DO miss!
29
00:01:34,320 --> 00:01:35,960
What are you doing with it?
30
00:01:36,000 --> 00:01:37,720
I'm selling it.
31
00:01:37,760 --> 00:01:40,760
Stuff from this world is worth
a fortune on the other side.
32
00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:44,080
And I've still got those
debt collectors on my back.
I need the money.
33
00:01:44,120 --> 00:01:45,720
OK. Take it.
34
00:01:45,760 --> 00:01:47,440
Take it all. What do I care?
35
00:01:47,480 --> 00:01:52,280
I'm moving, apparently. So whoever
buys this place can deal with all
the permanently locked windows.
36
00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,480
So you take everything.
Knock yourself out.
37
00:01:54,520 --> 00:01:56,560
No, no. It's OK.
38
00:01:56,600 --> 00:01:58,560
I do know where to draw the line.
39
00:01:58,600 --> 00:02:01,560
MEOWING
40
00:02:01,600 --> 00:02:03,480
I'll put it back.
41
00:02:03,520 --> 00:02:05,000
Oh!
42
00:02:05,040 --> 00:02:09,480
Far, far ago, the ancients
wrote upon the scrolls
43
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:12,840
that dark forces
would sweep our realm
44
00:02:12,880 --> 00:02:15,200
until only Yonderland remained.
45
00:02:15,240 --> 00:02:17,360
But they telled also of a saviour
46
00:02:17,400 --> 00:02:20,080
come from a distant world
47
00:02:20,120 --> 00:02:22,760
to save us from the shadows.
48
00:02:22,800 --> 00:02:25,080
That's what your mum said, anyway.
49
00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,360
It's feeling much more
like a home already.
50
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:32,880
Is it possible just to buy
the golden bits of fluff?
51
00:02:32,920 --> 00:02:36,200
I don't know. Look, guys, can we
please just get back to the mission?
52
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:38,800
Has anyone heard from
our secret spy?
53
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:41,280
Ah, the secret spy? Yes.
54
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,880
No.
55
00:02:42,920 --> 00:02:47,240
We've not had contact for quite
some time with the secret operative
56
00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:50,160
we call Agent Negatus.
57
00:02:50,200 --> 00:02:52,360
Eh? Eh?
58
00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:54,960
And they call it intelligence work!
59
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:59,320
So our double agent has gone
completely silent and no-one's
concerned about this at all?
60
00:02:59,360 --> 00:03:05,240
I'm sure Agent Negatus
will report in soon enough.
61
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,600
Whoever he is!
62
00:03:09,800 --> 00:03:13,360
Yes! Telly's working.
Just needed more ham.
63
00:03:17,880 --> 00:03:19,600
ALL: Yes!
64
00:03:21,840 --> 00:03:24,080
-'Yes, it's him!
-And me.'
65
00:03:24,120 --> 00:03:30,720
Here to say, don't forget to tune in
later for... Miss Smashing!
66
00:03:30,760 --> 00:03:35,160
-I don't want to do it.
-Yes, it's
the beauty contest anyone can enter,
67
00:03:35,200 --> 00:03:37,760
but only the smashingest will win.
68
00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,520
They won't. They're all rubbish.
69
00:03:39,560 --> 00:03:41,880
Feminism still hasn't reached here,
then.
70
00:03:41,920 --> 00:03:43,800
Feminineising?
71
00:03:43,840 --> 00:03:46,680
Like equality for women. Have you
never had any bra-burning?
72
00:03:46,720 --> 00:03:51,000
Of course we have. Only last week
I saw someone burning a bra.
73
00:03:51,040 --> 00:03:53,800
No, not a bra - a witch.
74
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,280
And she burned just as well
as any man, so...
75
00:03:56,320 --> 00:04:01,000
'..with a top prize
of one million gold whatnots!
76
00:04:02,920 --> 00:04:09,680
'So come on down to Miss Smashing,
the beauty contest
with a difference.
77
00:04:09,720 --> 00:04:11,920
'No, it's not. It's the same.'
78
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:17,200
So glad Miss Smashing's back.
It's like real life, isn't it,
but on the screen
79
00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:19,240
-and with more crying.
-Yes.
80
00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:24,120
The last time Smashing was on, we
had that awful dictator, remember?
81
00:04:24,160 --> 00:04:27,000
It's a wonder we never rose up
and deposed him.
82
00:04:27,040 --> 00:04:28,560
Something must have...
83
00:04:29,920 --> 00:04:32,560
..distracted...us.
84
00:04:32,600 --> 00:04:34,960
And now the show is just suddenly
back on?
85
00:04:35,000 --> 00:04:37,280
Doesn't that strike you
as a bit strange, guys?
86
00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:39,520
Guys?
87
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:42,280
Guys!
88
00:04:47,200 --> 00:04:49,720
Ah, Your Eminence. There you are.
89
00:04:49,760 --> 00:04:51,120
Negatus.
90
00:04:51,160 --> 00:04:53,320
-Monsters.
-Demons!
91
00:04:53,360 --> 00:04:57,760
-Ow!
-So, how are you enjoying
your luxurious new quarters, No 2?
92
00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:01,920
Ah, they're great, but...
You did get your pillow chocolate
last night?
93
00:05:01,960 --> 00:05:03,880
Oh, THAT'S what was in my hair.
94
00:05:03,920 --> 00:05:06,760
Nothing but the best
for my right-hand man!
95
00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:09,440
-Rrraarrgh!
-Rrraarrgh!
96
00:05:09,480 --> 00:05:13,000
Yes, speaking as
your right-handed man...
97
00:05:13,040 --> 00:05:16,760
I was just wondering what it was
you actually wanted me to do.
98
00:05:16,800 --> 00:05:19,400
Now, THAT is a wonderful question.
99
00:05:19,440 --> 00:05:21,240
And you asked it
100
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:22,960
really well.
101
00:05:25,560 --> 00:05:26,880
Right, yes.
102
00:05:26,920 --> 00:05:30,280
But does it come with
any actual power?
103
00:05:30,320 --> 00:05:34,680
Increased access, for example?
Codes, keys, code keys?
104
00:05:34,720 --> 00:05:39,160
All in good time. Now, I really must
go out for the day.
I've got important business.
105
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,960
And you want me to be in charge?
No problemo.
106
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,800
No, no, no. Don't you worry your
pretty little head about that.
107
00:05:45,840 --> 00:05:48,960
You just keep on what you're
-doing.
-But I'm not doing anything.
108
00:05:49,000 --> 00:05:51,360
Oh, so modest!
109
00:05:51,400 --> 00:05:53,640
You've got to love this guy.
110
00:05:53,680 --> 00:05:55,640
LAUGHING: I'm telling you!
111
00:05:55,680 --> 00:05:59,040
Ooh, spying's really hard.
112
00:05:59,080 --> 00:06:03,440
Hmm... I just wish I knew what to do.
113
00:06:03,480 --> 00:06:07,720
Forget about spying. Work for Dick.
He likes you
114
00:06:07,760 --> 00:06:10,560
and he's given you more than Debbie
ever could.
115
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:11,880
Hmm...
116
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,680
No! Forget about spying.
117
00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,880
Just work for Dick. He likes you and
he's given you more than Debbie...
118
00:06:16,920 --> 00:06:18,760
That's what she just said.
119
00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:20,720
Oh, well, there's no dilemma, then.
120
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:22,960
What? No! We stick with the plan.
121
00:06:23,000 --> 00:06:26,320
My thirst for vengeance against Dick
and his cronies
122
00:06:26,360 --> 00:06:30,360
cannot be quenched by mere
-hair chocolates.
-Pillow chocolates.
123
00:06:30,400 --> 00:06:33,360
Yes, that's what I meant.
Ooh...hang on!
124
00:06:33,400 --> 00:06:36,880
You lot, go and fetch all the snacks
from my mini-bar.
125
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:39,560
I've just had a brilliant idea.
126
00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:41,880
HE CHUCKLES
127
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,920
Forget about spying
and just work for Dick.
128
00:06:45,960 --> 00:06:47,800
-We've just done that.
-Oh!
129
00:06:47,840 --> 00:06:50,760
CONTINUOUS BEEP
130
00:06:52,280 --> 00:06:54,040
You do know it hasn't started yet?
131
00:06:54,080 --> 00:06:56,840
Yes, but if we look away,
we might miss the first split...
132
00:06:56,880 --> 00:06:59,040
I missed the first split-second!
133
00:06:59,080 --> 00:07:05,200
'Good evening and welcome to the
all-new series of Miss Smashing!'
134
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,200
CHEERING
135
00:07:07,240 --> 00:07:11,240
Here to tell us who's smashing
and who's not,
please welcome our judges!
136
00:07:11,280 --> 00:07:15,120
Yes, please,
it's John of Temple Meads...
137
00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,800
I'm sure they'll all be
simply charming.
138
00:07:17,840 --> 00:07:21,000
..timeless beauty
Crone Vallandres Diego!
139
00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:23,880
Class never goes out of style!
140
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:27,680
..and he's a little cross...
it's Tony Positive!
141
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,360
I'm keeping an open mind.
142
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:31,280
CHEERING
143
00:07:31,320 --> 00:07:34,360
But don't forget, our judges
are just here for a guide.
144
00:07:34,400 --> 00:07:38,480
As always, the contestants' fate
rests with someone very special.
145
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,680
You...
146
00:07:40,720 --> 00:07:43,480
know it! It's the Magic Mirror.
147
00:07:43,520 --> 00:07:45,080
Clap, you proles!
148
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:49,680
Yes, the judges rate
our lovely contestants,
149
00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:52,960
but it's our marvellous mirror
that decides who will stay...
150
00:07:53,000 --> 00:07:55,640
..and who will go.
151
00:07:55,680 --> 00:07:58,000
So why exactly are we here?
152
00:07:58,040 --> 00:07:59,600
Eye candy.
153
00:08:00,720 --> 00:08:04,520
< LAUGHTER
The snacks you requested,
o, stagnantest of puddles.
154
00:08:04,560 --> 00:08:05,920
Ssh!
155
00:08:05,960 --> 00:08:07,800
OK, here's the plan.
156
00:08:07,840 --> 00:08:11,600
Dick is out, so now's our chance
to see what's inside
that secret room of his.
157
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,160
But we need to keep the overlord
out of the way.
158
00:08:14,200 --> 00:08:19,560
Oh, I get it. So we open up a snack
stall, employ them as staff...
159
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,120
No, you crimson cretin!
160
00:08:21,160 --> 00:08:25,120
We pile them up with junk food,
stick a movie on,
and while they're distracted,
161
00:08:25,160 --> 00:08:27,280
we go snooping.
162
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:28,960
What's the movie?
163
00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:33,800
Star something. It's episode one.
They're always the best.
-Yeah.
-Right.
164
00:08:33,840 --> 00:08:39,800
Oh, I should just say... Me and the
guys have this little skit we like
to do whenever I go in there.
165
00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:44,880
It is cool. It's cool. It's very
much on my terms. Just to give you
the heads-up, yeah?
166
00:08:44,920 --> 00:08:46,400
OK.
167
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:51,000
< BOOING AND CRASHING
168
00:08:54,880 --> 00:08:57,240
They took the bait. Let's go.
169
00:09:04,240 --> 00:09:08,320
Beautiful. Refreshing,
and yes, smashing!
170
00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,280
CHEERING
171
00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:12,640
Well, I thought you were absolutely
smashing!
172
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,480
Like a young me.
173
00:09:14,520 --> 00:09:19,080
Apart from some lumps and warts
and the eggy smell.
174
00:09:19,120 --> 00:09:21,000
CHEERING
175
00:09:22,080 --> 00:09:23,840
Well, I'm afraid I have to say...
176
00:09:23,880 --> 00:09:25,560
UH-UH!
177
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:29,320
I loved her. Ignore that.
I just happen to have
a giant red X for a head.
178
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:31,640
I thought she was utterly smashing.
179
00:09:31,680 --> 00:09:34,080
UH-UH!
Again, ignore that.
180
00:09:34,120 --> 00:09:37,200
UH-UH!
Ignore that. Look at that.
181
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,000
CHEERING
182
00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:43,040
'How does that make you feel?
Just really happy and proud.
183
00:09:43,080 --> 00:09:47,240
'And vindicated in my life choices.
ALL: Awww!'
184
00:09:47,280 --> 00:09:50,240
Well, don't be.
Their opinion's irrelevant.
185
00:09:50,280 --> 00:09:54,400
Yes. The real power lies with
the Magic Mirror.
186
00:09:54,440 --> 00:09:58,480
Angelica, would you step on
to the Spot of Doom...
187
00:09:58,520 --> 00:10:00,680
I mean Opportunity!
188
00:10:03,200 --> 00:10:05,920
Mirror, mirror,
on the television programme,
189
00:10:05,960 --> 00:10:10,000
who is the smashingest
of the television programme?
190
00:10:10,040 --> 00:10:11,600
Angelica...
191
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,800
..I judge you...
192
00:10:17,880 --> 00:10:19,960
..in my judgement...
193
00:10:22,880 --> 00:10:24,560
..to...
194
00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,360
..be...
195
00:10:29,480 --> 00:10:31,520
She's not the one.
196
00:10:31,560 --> 00:10:35,440
No. She's useful, but not special.
197
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:37,560
Let's stick her with the others.
198
00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:39,640
..not smashing.
199
00:10:39,680 --> 00:10:43,000
Oh! And you were my favourite.
200
00:10:43,040 --> 00:10:45,120
SHE SCREAMS
201
00:10:46,760 --> 00:10:48,680
GROANING
202
00:10:48,720 --> 00:10:50,880
I love that bit!
203
00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,040
-Is she all right?
-No idea.
204
00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,920
They literally disappear.
Never seen again.
205
00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:57,720
What, all of them?
206
00:10:57,760 --> 00:11:00,280
Yes. My cousin was on it
a few shows back.
207
00:11:00,320 --> 00:11:02,360
Got mirrored off
and nobody's seen her since.
208
00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:06,120
Mind you, she did only want it,
like, 85%, so there you are.
209
00:11:06,160 --> 00:11:08,440
That's not entertainment! That's...
210
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:12,080
I don't even know what that is,
but anyone who's on that stage
is in real danger.
211
00:11:12,120 --> 00:11:15,280
'And the next to compete for those
one million gold whatnots,
212
00:11:15,320 --> 00:11:17,960
it's the gorgeous Elfina!
213
00:11:18,000 --> 00:11:20,080
CHEERING
214
00:11:20,120 --> 00:11:22,640
Oh! Hello, pretty lady!
215
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:24,320
Oh, no!
216
00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:40,280
'Now, on animals... I'd like to work
with children on animals.'
217
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,680
ALL: Awww!
218
00:11:41,720 --> 00:11:43,280
She seems lovely.
219
00:11:43,320 --> 00:11:45,040
It's Elf! In a wig!
220
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,880
Can't you see that?
221
00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:50,200
'So, judges,
what do you make of Elfina?
222
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:53,880
'She's got an odd face
and a really weird voice.'
223
00:11:53,920 --> 00:11:56,000
No!
UH-UH!
224
00:11:56,040 --> 00:12:00,440
It's against my solid oath of
gallantry to besmirch a maiden.
225
00:12:00,480 --> 00:12:03,680
I will take this sleeping draught
to avoid this horrible quandary.
226
00:12:05,880 --> 00:12:07,680
UH-UH!
227
00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:10,040
Far be it from me to rock the boat.
228
00:12:11,120 --> 00:12:12,720
Sorry. Did you like her?
229
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,160
No, I thought she was awful.
UH-UH!
230
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:17,640
Never done that before.
I probably need a doctor.
231
00:12:17,680 --> 00:12:23,800
Oh, well, three nos.
But of course, the real decision
is down to our Magic Mirror.
232
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:29,440
Elfina, will you kindly step on to
the Sport of Doom... Opportunity.
233
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:33,200
-I'd rather not.
-Well, I'd rather not
be here, but that's life.
234
00:12:34,720 --> 00:12:37,640
Oh, my God! He's gonna be
-disappeared.
-Ssh!
235
00:12:37,680 --> 00:12:39,680
She's facing the mirror!
236
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:43,160
Elfina...
237
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:47,640
..I judge you...
238
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:50,960
..to be...
239
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:55,280
..in my magical estimation...
240
00:12:55,320 --> 00:12:57,200
She's not the one.
241
00:12:57,240 --> 00:13:01,280
Indeed. But the people love
an underdog. Keeps them watching.
242
00:13:01,320 --> 00:13:03,200
Fine. Keep her.
243
00:13:04,320 --> 00:13:07,520
I don't want to do this any more.
I've had a lovely day,
thank you, but...
244
00:13:07,560 --> 00:13:09,600
..most smashing!
245
00:13:09,640 --> 00:13:12,280
CHEERING
246
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,600
'Well, that's a turn-up
for the books!
247
00:13:16,640 --> 00:13:20,480
'Underdog Elfina goes through
to face our other finalists.'
248
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:22,640
CHEERING
249
00:13:22,680 --> 00:13:26,000
None of this makes any sense.
Can't you be happy for her?
250
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,000
That lovely girl
is going to get her dream.
251
00:13:29,040 --> 00:13:31,600
It is Elf in a wig!
252
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,600
People have been kidnapped
right under your noses.
253
00:13:34,640 --> 00:13:36,600
It's the same with the Late People.
254
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:39,880
Are you seriously going to sit
there and do absolutely nothing?
255
00:13:41,440 --> 00:13:44,120
Looks like there's something in the
way of the screen.
256
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:45,400
Oh!
257
00:13:45,440 --> 00:13:47,200
ALL: Yes!
258
00:13:58,480 --> 00:14:01,360
Do none of you know hand code?
-Not really.
-No.
259
00:14:01,400 --> 00:14:03,280
-I do!
-You know hand code?
260
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:05,280
Oh...hand code!
261
00:14:05,320 --> 00:14:09,040
I thought you said "Karen Smith".
I know a Karen Smith.
262
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,320
Argh!
263
00:14:10,360 --> 00:14:13,520
This means split. That means flank.
264
00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:17,160
That means strike,
and that means guards.
265
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:19,400
What guards?
266
00:14:19,440 --> 00:14:20,760
Well...
267
00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:24,560
A lot of help you are!
268
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,520
Weirdly phrased,
but I'll take the praise.
269
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:32,320
He takes eight - eight sandwiches.
And I tell you something else -
he doesn't...
270
00:14:32,360 --> 00:14:35,120
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
What do you think you're doing?
271
00:14:35,160 --> 00:14:37,760
I'm guarding the door with you,
ain't I?
272
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,600
No, not you! Her.
273
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:41,520
I need to get into the studio, OK?
274
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:43,920
-Hey!
-Not so fast.
275
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:47,720
H...e...y!
276
00:14:49,120 --> 00:14:52,040
-More like that?
-No, not you! Her.
277
00:14:52,080 --> 00:14:54,880
Look, I'm a close personal friend
of one of the finalists, OK?
278
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:57,160
That's what they all say.
Well, some of them.
279
00:14:57,200 --> 00:15:00,560
Actually, I've never heard that
before. But that's not the point.
280
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:02,720
The point is,
you are NOT allowed inside.
281
00:15:02,760 --> 00:15:06,120
What if I need the toilet?
No, not you! Her.
282
00:15:06,160 --> 00:15:07,560
All right!
283
00:15:08,880 --> 00:15:11,600
HE WHIMPERS
Not this again!
284
00:15:11,640 --> 00:15:14,680
Look, sorry, all right?
Sorry I made you cry.
285
00:15:14,720 --> 00:15:16,000
Shouting at me!
286
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:18,000
I'm under a lot of pressure
right now.
287
00:15:18,040 --> 00:15:20,280
We're all under a lot of pressure!
288
00:15:25,880 --> 00:15:27,760
Nick! There you are. Where's Elf?
289
00:15:27,800 --> 00:15:29,240
Hairs and makeup.
290
00:15:29,280 --> 00:15:31,240
Debbie! What are you doing here?
291
00:15:31,280 --> 00:15:34,200
Look, you're not safe here. This
whole show is some kind of front.
292
00:15:34,240 --> 00:15:35,720
Oh, I get it.
293
00:15:35,760 --> 00:15:38,640
You're jealous, cos all eyes
are on me for a change.
294
00:15:38,680 --> 00:15:41,520
No, of course not. But doesn't
that strike you as strange?
295
00:15:41,560 --> 00:15:43,760
I mean, look at you!
What's wrong with this look?
296
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:45,760
Nice hair, bit of eyeshadow.
Eyeshadow?
297
00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:48,680
Yeah. You know,
to give you that gap.
298
00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:51,040
Oh, for God's sake!
Elf, listen to me.
299
00:15:51,080 --> 00:15:52,480
I think you're in danger here.
300
00:15:52,520 --> 00:15:56,600
That mirror isn't picking
beauty contest winners.
There's something dark going on.
301
00:15:56,640 --> 00:15:58,320
Yeah, there is.
302
00:15:58,360 --> 00:16:00,600
You trampling my dreams!
303
00:16:00,640 --> 00:16:03,840
Now, I am going out there to become
the nation's sweetheart
304
00:16:03,880 --> 00:16:07,600
and you can either like it
or put a lump on it.
305
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:10,360
It's like it or... I don't care
what the right phrase is!
306
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:14,000
ELF SIGHS
307
00:16:14,040 --> 00:16:16,640
'Send the rejects to the vault.
Over.'
308
00:16:20,840 --> 00:16:22,800
No, it stinks! Get it out of here.
309
00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:25,360
Excuse me, honey -
you're in the final?
310
00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:27,560
-One of our lucky girls?
-Er, no.
311
00:16:27,600 --> 00:16:30,200
Then what are you doing here?
It's contestants only.
312
00:16:30,240 --> 00:16:31,960
Security!
313
00:16:32,000 --> 00:16:34,920
Come on, you need to go.
No, no, no. I mean, yes.
314
00:16:34,960 --> 00:16:36,960
-You ARE in the final?
-Mm-hm.
315
00:16:37,000 --> 00:16:39,760
Please don't send me home.
I really want this, like, 115%.
316
00:16:39,800 --> 00:16:43,040
And I'm prepared to be
totally out there,
because I'm a little bit crazy!
317
00:16:43,080 --> 00:16:45,760
But I'm totally real at the end of
the day. I'm not too fazed.
318
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:49,640
I'm not here to make friends.
If people don't like that,
they just have to deal with it.
319
00:16:49,680 --> 00:16:51,200
Wow!
320
00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,480
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
321
00:16:55,560 --> 00:16:59,160
So, we've reached the toenail-biting
final of Miss Smashing.
322
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:04,080
Who will the Magic Mirror select
to take home
the one million golden whatnots?
323
00:17:04,120 --> 00:17:05,840
ALL: Ooh!
324
00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,280
And we are down to the last three.
325
00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:09,800
-Four!
-Three.
326
00:17:09,840 --> 00:17:12,480
It's four, you old fool! Look.
327
00:17:12,520 --> 00:17:14,560
GASPS
328
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:17,840
-Oh!
-Oh!
329
00:17:17,880 --> 00:17:22,760
You just couldn't let me have this,
-could you?
-Shut up!
I'm saving your life. I think.
330
00:17:22,800 --> 00:17:25,080
So...special contestant
number one...
331
00:17:25,120 --> 00:17:28,880
Or should I say number chosen one?
332
00:17:28,920 --> 00:17:30,640
Laugh, damn you!
333
00:17:30,680 --> 00:17:32,920
LAUGHTER
334
00:17:32,960 --> 00:17:36,720
..what is your skill,
and is it smashing?
335
00:17:38,440 --> 00:17:39,760
Yes, it is.
336
00:17:46,960 --> 00:17:49,040
GASPS
337
00:17:53,360 --> 00:17:55,400
Stop the show! Stop her!
338
00:17:55,440 --> 00:17:57,960
I can't - she's blown the circuits!
339
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,640
I know you see me.
340
00:17:59,680 --> 00:18:02,680
Well, guess what? I see you.
341
00:18:04,680 --> 00:18:06,840
This show is a sham!
342
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:11,360
To keep you smiling and clapping
while they lie and scheme.
343
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,720
While they take your husbands,
your wives,
344
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:17,480
your sons, your daughters.
345
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,320
There is something rotten
in this realm
346
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:25,560
and it's time you stood up and said,
"I am mad as hell and I'm not going
to take it any more!"
347
00:18:25,600 --> 00:18:28,040
CHEERING
348
00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,320
She's ruining everything!
349
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:35,320
No. She's exceptional.
350
00:18:35,360 --> 00:18:37,360
Why didn't I see it before?
351
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:39,760
She's perfect!
352
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:42,120
Because where there's smoke
and mirrors,
353
00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:44,880
there's always someone behind it.
354
00:18:44,920 --> 00:18:46,680
Isn't that right...
355
00:18:46,720 --> 00:18:48,360
Cuddly Dick?
356
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,920
Oh, yes!
357
00:19:04,280 --> 00:19:06,320
She's the one!
358
00:19:08,240 --> 00:19:10,240
Negatus?
359
00:19:12,320 --> 00:19:14,280
What are you doing in here?
360
00:19:15,880 --> 00:19:20,200
CHANTING: Chosen one! Chosen one!
Chosen one!
361
00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:22,320
This has never happened before,
Eric.
362
00:19:22,360 --> 00:19:24,800
Chosen one! Chosen one! Chosen one!
363
00:19:24,840 --> 00:19:26,360
Ladies and gentlemen,
364
00:19:26,400 --> 00:19:29,760
it looks like we have a winner!
365
00:19:29,800 --> 00:19:32,320
CHEERING
366
00:19:36,080 --> 00:19:37,880
OK. I'll take care of this.
367
00:19:41,960 --> 00:19:45,080
-Best series ever!
-Absolutely!
What a journey! What a message!
368
00:19:45,120 --> 00:19:48,000
Let us rise up against Cuddly Dick!
369
00:19:48,040 --> 00:19:51,360
THEY GROAN WITH EFFORT
And...
370
00:19:51,400 --> 00:19:53,520
My back... Mine too.
371
00:19:53,560 --> 00:19:55,720
Best not rush things.
372
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,880
Shall we see what's on
the other side?
373
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:04,200
'Scenes of a graphic nature
and explicit porking throughout.
It's Celebrity Pig Brother.'
374
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:06,040
ALL: Oooh!
375
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:11,360
What happened was I fell over
in the corridor and I caught my
jacket pocket on the door handle.
376
00:20:11,400 --> 00:20:13,800
Were you spying on me?
377
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:18,520
No, never! Sir, how could you ever
question the loyalty of
Negotus... Negatus.
378
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:21,840
Um...is...? Hmm...
379
00:20:21,880 --> 00:20:23,600
Uh...
380
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,240
Forgive me. Such curiosity
should be applauded.
381
00:20:28,280 --> 00:20:32,520
It shows initiative.
I knew I chose my deputy wisely.
382
00:20:32,560 --> 00:20:34,160
Sit. Sit, sit, sit.
383
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:41,600
Well, it seems now that the chosen
one might have value after all.
384
00:20:41,640 --> 00:20:46,400
And if someone were to find her,
385
00:20:46,440 --> 00:20:49,000
well, then,
386
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,880
that could be valuable for them too.
387
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:56,120
The GameThing Advanced
with 4-D heads-up display.
388
00:20:56,160 --> 00:20:58,000
Ooh!
389
00:20:58,040 --> 00:21:02,640
'What do I do? Debbie broke me out
of jail, saw the good inside me.
390
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,440
'But Dick can give me
wealth and power.
391
00:21:05,480 --> 00:21:07,520
'And next-generation graphics.
392
00:21:07,560 --> 00:21:09,680
'Debbie or Dick...
393
00:21:09,720 --> 00:21:11,920
'Debbie or Dick...'
394
00:21:11,960 --> 00:21:13,680
Debbie or Dick?
395
00:21:13,720 --> 00:21:17,920
Debbie...?
Sorry, did you just say "Debbie"?
396
00:21:17,960 --> 00:21:19,360
Hmm?
397
00:21:19,400 --> 00:21:21,000
Yes!
398
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:24,080
If it's Maddox you want,
399
00:21:24,120 --> 00:21:26,160
I can bring her to you.
400
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,360
Good boy.
401
00:21:29,960 --> 00:21:31,640
Why do you want to bring her here?
402
00:21:42,600 --> 00:21:44,240
The Late People!
403
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:46,320
Yes, that's right, No 2.
404
00:21:46,360 --> 00:21:48,360
But why do you need them?
405
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:52,000
Can you keep a secret?
406
00:21:53,840 --> 00:21:56,240
-SPOOKY VOICE:
-Good!
407
00:21:56,280 --> 00:21:59,400
Oh! I was not expecting THAT!
408
00:21:59,440 --> 00:22:02,040
CHEERING
409
00:22:03,480 --> 00:22:07,240
And quite the journey, eh? I bet
-you're glad it's all over.
-What?
410
00:22:07,280 --> 00:22:09,560
No! No, that was just the start.
411
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,320
People are going missing
and we don't know where they are.
412
00:22:12,360 --> 00:22:13,760
I do.
413
00:22:13,800 --> 00:22:15,760
ALL: Negatus!
414
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:18,200
You're right - it IS Cuddly Dick.
415
00:22:18,240 --> 00:22:21,400
He's got them all. I've seen them.
You have?
416
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,520
Can you tell me where?
Oh, I can do better than that.
417
00:22:24,560 --> 00:22:26,680
I'll show you.
418
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:32,480
Subtitles by Ericsson
419
00:22:32,520 --> 00:22:35,360
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