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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,324 --> 00:00:06,779 Should auld acquaintance be forgot 2 00:00:06,857 --> 00:00:12,119 And never brought to mind 3 00:00:12,191 --> 00:00:17,089 -Should auld acquaintance-- We used to have 50 on staff here. Fifty. 4 00:00:17,158 --> 00:00:19,147 I'm the only one left. 5 00:00:19,224 --> 00:00:21,485 All comes down to one schmuck: 6 00:00:21,557 --> 00:00:24,853 me, the night shift bellhop. 7 00:00:24,924 --> 00:00:30,118 What the hell is that? A bellhop? Huh? What is he? 8 00:00:30,191 --> 00:00:32,656 Y-You know where the name comes from? 9 00:00:32,724 --> 00:00:36,884 Huh? It's so simple, it's stupid. 10 00:00:36,957 --> 00:00:39,479 Some schmuck rings a bell and ya hop. 11 00:00:39,557 --> 00:00:41,819 Ya hop front and center. 12 00:00:41,891 --> 00:00:43,948 Did you ever meet any of the old stars, then? 13 00:00:44,024 --> 00:00:49,116 What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes. 14 00:00:49,191 --> 00:00:51,986 Ah, hey, you talk about stars, uh-- 15 00:00:52,057 --> 00:00:54,682 Hey, kid, 16 00:00:54,757 --> 00:00:56,689 put this on. 17 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,723 Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on. 18 00:00:59,790 --> 00:01:02,483 Let me see. Let me see. 19 00:01:02,557 --> 00:01:06,354 You know, and to think that I wore that stupid thing for 50 years. 20 00:01:06,424 --> 00:01:10,379 To think I did that. Ah, shit, yeah. 21 00:01:10,457 --> 00:01:13,390 Yeah, well-- Well, kid, 22 00:01:13,457 --> 00:01:15,480 I'm gettin' my ass outta here. 23 00:01:17,391 --> 00:01:19,720 Yep. 24 00:01:19,790 --> 00:01:22,449 Yep, kid, 25 00:01:22,524 --> 00:01:24,820 gotta go. 26 00:01:24,891 --> 00:01:27,357 Listen, kid, 27 00:01:27,423 --> 00:01:29,787 stay clear of... 28 00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:34,347 night clerks, kids, hookers and married arguments. 29 00:01:34,423 --> 00:01:37,185 Come on, stand up. Come on. I wanna say good-bye. 30 00:01:37,258 --> 00:01:39,224 Now, uh-- 31 00:01:39,291 --> 00:01:41,518 Let me see. You-You wanna get a tip? 32 00:01:41,590 --> 00:01:47,114 Hold your hand out. That's right. Now, uh, smile. 33 00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:49,884 Give me a smile. Give me a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 34 00:01:49,957 --> 00:01:51,980 Now, if the cocksucker doesn't pay ya, 35 00:01:52,057 --> 00:01:55,182 you say to yourself, uh, ""Fuck you, Jack."" 36 00:01:55,258 --> 00:01:58,690 You know what I mean? You never miss. 37 00:01:58,757 --> 00:02:01,121 Tell you something else: 38 00:02:01,191 --> 00:02:03,850 Keep your cock in your pants. 39 00:06:27,423 --> 00:06:29,446 May I help you? 40 00:06:29,524 --> 00:06:31,285 I have a reservation. 41 00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:36,689 ln the honeymoon suite. 42 00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:52,116 Kiva. Wait up. 43 00:06:53,390 --> 00:06:55,618 What'd I tell you about smoking? 44 00:06:55,690 --> 00:06:58,485 You smoke. That's right, I do, and I'm addicted. 45 00:06:58,557 --> 00:07:01,546 So, welcome to this week's edition of ""Who is a Hypocrite?"" 46 00:07:01,624 --> 00:07:04,317 This is my first guest. That's enough, Kiva. 47 00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,549 You're not my mother. Yes, I am. 48 00:07:06,624 --> 00:07:09,522 Then why are we sleeping together? 49 00:07:11,057 --> 00:07:13,284 Ahh. 50 00:07:13,357 --> 00:07:15,289 Mmm. 51 00:07:17,190 --> 00:07:19,452 Yes. 52 00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:56,284 Thank you. 53 00:07:56,357 --> 00:07:59,482 Oh, you little stinker 54 00:07:59,557 --> 00:08:02,546 Oh, you sweet little muffin 55 00:08:02,624 --> 00:08:05,613 Yes, Mama loves the baby. 56 00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:14,122 Hello. 57 00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:16,554 I'm lookin' for the room for makin' love. 58 00:08:16,624 --> 00:08:19,351 Oh, right. You must mean the honeymoon suite. 59 00:08:19,423 --> 00:08:23,116 Well, it's straight that way. Can't miss it. Uh-huh. I know where it is. 60 00:08:23,190 --> 00:08:27,452 I just wanted you to know that I know where I'm goin', so you needn't bother with me. 61 00:08:27,524 --> 00:08:30,820 Well, no problem. Where's your luggage? 62 00:08:30,891 --> 00:08:33,880 I travel light. 63 00:08:48,390 --> 00:08:52,482 Tell me, how long have the others been here? 64 00:08:52,557 --> 00:08:54,546 About an hour. 65 00:08:54,624 --> 00:08:56,556 One hour. 66 00:09:18,056 --> 00:09:21,045 You're very late, Eva. 67 00:09:21,123 --> 00:09:24,987 I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a birth. The placenta was late in coming. 68 00:09:25,056 --> 00:09:28,819 Which birth is more important to you, Eva: that of a mortal, 69 00:09:28,891 --> 00:09:30,981 or that of a goddess? 70 00:09:31,056 --> 00:09:33,022 Will there be anything else, ladies? 71 00:09:33,090 --> 00:09:36,523 Wait. We do need some things. 72 00:09:36,590 --> 00:09:40,613 We need... fresh rosemary from the kitchen. 73 00:09:40,690 --> 00:09:42,622 Mostly what we need is from the kitchen. 74 00:09:42,690 --> 00:09:45,713 Hey. Are you listening? 75 00:09:45,790 --> 00:09:47,722 Rosemary. 76 00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:50,051 We need sea salt, a little bit of sea salt. 77 00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,146 Or kosher salt, if you have no sea salt. 78 00:09:52,223 --> 00:09:55,519 A bottle of spring water-- French, not that ltalian shit. 79 00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:59,181 Um, yes, and could I have some French fries? Shut up, Kiva. 80 00:09:59,257 --> 00:10:02,382 Some ginger and some raw meat. 81 00:10:02,457 --> 00:10:07,389 Liver, if you have it. I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb fucking ritual. 82 00:10:07,457 --> 00:10:09,514 Shut up, you little shit! 83 00:10:09,590 --> 00:10:11,556 Hey. 84 00:10:11,624 --> 00:10:15,317 Don't talk to her that way. Uh, 85 00:10:15,390 --> 00:10:17,981 if there's nothing else-- 86 00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:26,322 Thank you. 87 00:10:50,023 --> 00:10:52,546 We're communing here on New Year's Eve... 88 00:10:52,624 --> 00:10:55,851 to bring to life the great goddess Diana, 89 00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,719 who was turned into stone in this very room... 90 00:10:58,790 --> 00:11:01,585 40 years ago today. 91 00:11:09,990 --> 00:11:14,218 Diana, O Great Beautiful One, 92 00:11:14,290 --> 00:11:16,654 we make these offerings to you... 93 00:11:16,724 --> 00:11:20,747 so that we may undo the wicked spell which deprived you... 94 00:11:20,823 --> 00:11:22,982 of the seed of your lover... 95 00:11:24,524 --> 00:11:26,581 of your virginal blood... 96 00:11:28,357 --> 00:11:30,289 of your very life. 97 00:11:32,490 --> 00:11:35,251 We now form the symbolic rock... 98 00:11:35,323 --> 00:11:37,755 with our bodies. 99 00:12:35,123 --> 00:12:37,782 On this night, in this hour, 100 00:12:37,856 --> 00:12:40,947 we call upon the ancient power. 101 00:12:41,023 --> 00:12:43,080 O Goddess Bride, 102 00:12:43,157 --> 00:12:45,089 we offer thee... 103 00:12:45,157 --> 00:12:48,919 milk from a mother's sweet titty. 104 00:12:52,157 --> 00:12:55,590 To reverse this evil which has been done, 105 00:12:55,657 --> 00:12:58,316 I make this offering... 106 00:12:58,390 --> 00:13:00,583 to the Divine One. 107 00:13:00,657 --> 00:13:02,714 A whore not, 108 00:13:02,789 --> 00:13:04,721 an innocent was, 109 00:13:04,789 --> 00:13:08,153 for whom I seized a virgin's blood. 110 00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,380 Goddess of Light, Goddess of Lust, 111 00:13:14,457 --> 00:13:17,446 to undo this awful spell is a real must. 112 00:13:17,524 --> 00:13:20,956 To bring you life and get you high, 113 00:13:21,023 --> 00:13:24,921 I offer the sweat of five men's thighs. 114 00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:29,421 O Diana, O Great One, 115 00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:31,615 we live without sun... 116 00:13:31,689 --> 00:13:33,985 until this wicked curse is undone. 117 00:13:34,056 --> 00:13:36,249 ln hope that you appear, 118 00:13:36,323 --> 00:13:38,720 I have collected a year's worth of tears. 119 00:13:42,023 --> 00:13:45,319 Goddess Diana, fail you, I will. 120 00:13:45,390 --> 00:13:48,550 I was to bring you fresh sperm from my Bill. 121 00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:51,714 I had him erect, and his semen would follow, 122 00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,721 but alas, I was hot, 123 00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:55,812 so hot that I swallowed. 124 00:14:01,557 --> 00:14:03,988 You stupid witch! 125 00:14:04,056 --> 00:14:07,783 You swallowed the sperm? You did? Why didn't you use your hands? 126 00:14:07,856 --> 00:14:12,050 Well, it just goes to show you what an amazing lack of control you have, Eva. 127 00:14:12,123 --> 00:14:15,248 Didn't your mama teach you not to put them things in your mouth? 128 00:14:15,323 --> 00:14:18,312 I understand, though. Eva, 129 00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:21,913 you got one hour to find me some sperm, 130 00:14:21,990 --> 00:14:24,616 one hour to show me... 131 00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:26,917 what kind of witch you can be. 132 00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:28,922 You hear me? Uh-huh. 133 00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:32,423 Ted, the bellhop. 134 00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:34,456 Mr. Bellboy, 135 00:14:34,524 --> 00:14:36,819 come right in. 136 00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:48,055 Okay, mister. 137 00:14:49,524 --> 00:14:51,648 Here is your $50 tip, 138 00:14:51,723 --> 00:14:55,212 only you have to do one more thing. 139 00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:57,449 You have to make our little Eva smile. 140 00:14:57,524 --> 00:14:59,614 We'll leave you alone. 141 00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,422 Don't use your mouth. 142 00:15:34,524 --> 00:15:36,456 Oh. 143 00:15:55,357 --> 00:15:58,482 Help me out here. l've got to earn this 50 bucks. 144 00:15:58,556 --> 00:16:01,886 Look, they don't care if I smile or not. 145 00:16:01,956 --> 00:16:03,888 They just want-- 146 00:16:05,323 --> 00:16:07,255 You wouldn't understand. 147 00:16:08,357 --> 00:16:10,289 Try me. 148 00:16:10,357 --> 00:16:12,482 l've been around a bit, you know. 149 00:16:13,956 --> 00:16:16,649 Well, 150 00:16:16,723 --> 00:16:18,655 the five of us-- 151 00:16:18,723 --> 00:16:23,452 Athena, Jezebel, Raven, Elspeth and me-are a coven. 152 00:16:23,523 --> 00:16:26,546 Like a coven of witches. Yes. 153 00:16:26,623 --> 00:16:29,317 Oh. You see, 154 00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:32,413 for 40 years we've been trying to... 155 00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:36,422 reverse an evil spell that was placed on our goddess Diana. 156 00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:38,479 She was a beautiful virgin, 157 00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:42,250 an entertainer by trade but a great sorceress by design. 158 00:16:43,890 --> 00:16:47,482 It was here in this very room on her wedding night... 159 00:16:47,556 --> 00:16:50,284 that a jealous rival placed this curse on Diana. 160 00:16:50,357 --> 00:16:53,255 Her husband was turned into a pink fish, 161 00:16:53,323 --> 00:16:56,550 while our dear goddess... 162 00:16:58,323 --> 00:17:01,153 a stone in her honeymoon bed. 163 00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,584 This was Diana. 164 00:17:10,023 --> 00:17:13,046 She's the blonde. Ah. Right. 165 00:17:19,890 --> 00:17:22,152 Hmm. 166 00:17:22,223 --> 00:17:24,246 Well. 167 00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:28,480 Ooh. 168 00:17:31,190 --> 00:17:34,986 Say. 169 00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,689 Oh. 170 00:17:49,589 --> 00:17:51,521 Well. 171 00:17:51,589 --> 00:17:53,521 Hate to tell you this, but, uh, 172 00:17:53,589 --> 00:17:55,714 I kinda doubt she was a virgin. 173 00:17:55,789 --> 00:17:58,415 She had lovers, but she saved that for marriage. 174 00:17:58,489 --> 00:18:02,217 lf she doesn't get his goop in ten minutes, I'm gonna go in there and get it myself. 175 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:05,414 That'd be a first for you. 176 00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,884 You mean, you were supposed to bring, uh-- 177 00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:17,882 And you-- 178 00:18:17,956 --> 00:18:20,751 Eewhh. 179 00:18:20,823 --> 00:18:23,255 And now... 180 00:18:23,323 --> 00:18:25,447 you're my last chance. 181 00:18:27,556 --> 00:18:29,488 W-Whoa. 182 00:18:30,656 --> 00:18:32,815 Uh-uh. 183 00:18:32,890 --> 00:18:34,856 No way. 184 00:18:34,923 --> 00:18:36,855 Nope. 185 00:18:37,923 --> 00:18:39,980 Besides, 186 00:18:40,056 --> 00:18:42,851 it's against hotel policy. 187 00:18:42,923 --> 00:18:44,980 I was warned. 188 00:18:45,056 --> 00:18:48,250 ""No sex with the clientele."" 189 00:19:02,257 --> 00:19:04,223 Oh. 190 00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:10,818 See, what I really wanna do is be a midwife. 191 00:19:10,890 --> 00:19:12,822 l've attended four births already. 192 00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:15,288 I can prevent vaginal tears and everything. 193 00:19:15,356 --> 00:19:18,255 Really? That's good. 194 00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,777 Yes. A fella doesn't like too many surprises down there. 195 00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:25,788 I joined the coven to obtain greater understanding of my feminine powers. 196 00:19:25,856 --> 00:19:27,913 Oh, really? 197 00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:31,013 Seems to be working. You really think so? 198 00:19:31,090 --> 00:19:33,351 Oh. Yeah. 199 00:19:36,422 --> 00:19:38,615 Oh, God. 200 00:19:38,689 --> 00:19:40,951 Betty's gonna kill me. 201 00:19:42,023 --> 00:19:43,955 Who's Betty? 202 00:19:44,023 --> 00:19:46,614 The boss. Oh, good. 203 00:19:46,689 --> 00:19:48,621 Oh, God. 204 00:20:13,489 --> 00:20:15,682 My number in Topanga. 205 00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,688 Call me? 206 00:20:17,756 --> 00:20:20,188 Sure, baby. I'll call you. 207 00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:53,781 What's that used for? This is, um-It's a birch branch. 208 00:20:53,856 --> 00:20:56,186 It symbolizes eternal life. 209 00:20:57,356 --> 00:21:00,982 I'm a woman now. Marvelous. 210 00:21:01,056 --> 00:21:04,113 I use this bark for a tea which assists in astral travel. 211 00:21:04,190 --> 00:21:06,655 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I wanna be a witch. 212 00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,985 Great. Okay. You are. 213 00:21:09,056 --> 00:21:11,351 We did it right there in the big cauldron. 214 00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:16,288 Great. Great. 215 00:21:16,356 --> 00:21:18,288 Athena. 216 00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:25,349 Goddess Diana, I offer to you... 217 00:21:25,422 --> 00:21:28,116 the jism of the one I wooed for you, 218 00:21:28,190 --> 00:21:31,280 so you may live and know such bliss... 219 00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:33,948 as getting laid by a guy like this. 220 00:21:42,856 --> 00:21:44,913 So mote it be. 221 00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:49,184 Three times three times three. 222 00:21:51,356 --> 00:21:53,322 Ah. 223 00:22:31,990 --> 00:22:34,615 Just a minute! Yeah! 224 00:22:34,689 --> 00:22:37,951 Room service. Wait. W-W-What room is this? 225 00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:40,511 This is the front desk, sir. 226 00:22:40,589 --> 00:22:43,419 W-What room we in? I don't know, man. I just got here. 227 00:22:43,489 --> 00:22:46,580 404. It's room 404, I think. 228 00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:51,281 Look, I thought we were on the fifth floor. All right! 409. Yeah. 229 00:22:51,356 --> 00:22:53,322 Hmm, sir? 230 00:22:53,389 --> 00:22:55,821 Hey, is he talkin' to me? 231 00:22:55,890 --> 00:22:59,118 Look, 404. We're in room 404. Yeah. 232 00:22:59,189 --> 00:23:01,951 What do you need, sir? What do we need? What do we need? 233 00:23:02,023 --> 00:23:04,114 lce. lce. lce. 234 00:23:04,189 --> 00:23:06,849 lce? lce. Yeah, ice! 235 00:23:06,923 --> 00:23:09,946 Right, sir. 404, sir. lce, sir. 236 00:23:10,023 --> 00:23:12,284 I'll be with you momentarily. 237 00:23:13,356 --> 00:23:16,447 Ooh. Disco. 238 00:23:43,856 --> 00:23:45,913 Hello. 239 00:23:51,489 --> 00:23:53,478 Anybody there? 240 00:23:53,556 --> 00:23:57,079 What'd you expect, Theodore, 241 00:23:57,156 --> 00:23:59,247 a fuckin' floor show? 242 00:23:59,322 --> 00:24:02,117 Aah! 243 00:24:06,256 --> 00:24:08,654 Um, 244 00:24:08,723 --> 00:24:10,689 is this room 404? 245 00:24:13,456 --> 00:24:17,252 Obviously l've come at a very bad time. 246 00:24:17,322 --> 00:24:21,516 Let's not beleaguer the fact that you have no sense of timing. 247 00:24:22,589 --> 00:24:26,521 The fact is, you're here, 248 00:24:26,589 --> 00:24:28,555 and I couldn't think of a better time for you... 249 00:24:28,623 --> 00:24:31,919 to introduce me to your beau than on New Year's Eve. 250 00:24:31,990 --> 00:24:35,649 There's obviously been a big mistake. 251 00:24:37,556 --> 00:24:40,522 My name is Theodore. Yes. 252 00:24:40,589 --> 00:24:43,555 I'm the bellhop. 253 00:25:11,456 --> 00:25:14,513 Yoo-hoo. Lover boy. 254 00:25:14,589 --> 00:25:16,851 Let's cut to the chase, okay? 255 00:25:22,789 --> 00:25:25,846 ls this about another man or something? 256 00:25:25,923 --> 00:25:29,753 Let's get our ABC's right here, Theodore. 257 00:25:29,823 --> 00:25:33,550 Theodore, right? 258 00:25:33,623 --> 00:25:35,555 Ted's better. 259 00:25:35,623 --> 00:25:38,521 Ted. Okay. 260 00:25:39,923 --> 00:25:43,719 Are you saying my wife cheats on me? 261 00:25:49,222 --> 00:25:51,154 Come here. 262 00:25:53,389 --> 00:25:55,321 Theodore. 263 00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:59,913 This is about as intimate a situation as you can get: 264 00:25:59,989 --> 00:26:02,012 you, 265 00:26:02,089 --> 00:26:05,886 me, Angela here. 266 00:26:05,955 --> 00:26:08,148 Pretty cozy, isn't it? 267 00:26:08,222 --> 00:26:10,154 Now, 268 00:26:10,222 --> 00:26:12,154 I demand an apology. 269 00:26:12,222 --> 00:26:15,382 Oh, shit! 270 00:26:17,789 --> 00:26:19,721 What? 271 00:26:22,256 --> 00:26:26,984 Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm. We ain't got no needles here, kid, 272 00:26:27,055 --> 00:26:30,579 just a big fuckin' gun. 273 00:26:30,656 --> 00:26:32,713 How's that grab ya? Shh. 274 00:26:32,789 --> 00:26:35,687 Ciao, bambino. 275 00:26:39,489 --> 00:26:41,421 Now... 276 00:26:43,089 --> 00:26:45,055 where was l? 277 00:26:45,122 --> 00:26:47,350 Ah. Ah, yeah. 278 00:26:49,256 --> 00:26:52,086 I remember. 279 00:26:54,156 --> 00:26:56,679 Now... 280 00:26:56,756 --> 00:26:58,688 this-- 281 00:27:00,756 --> 00:27:02,688 Gimme that. Gimme that. 282 00:27:02,756 --> 00:27:05,586 No. Bad idea. Say the following. 283 00:27:05,656 --> 00:27:07,679 Come here. Come here. 284 00:27:09,623 --> 00:27:12,180 ""l--"" 285 00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:14,745 ""l, l, 286 00:27:14,823 --> 00:27:16,913 ""Theodore, Theodore, 287 00:27:16,989 --> 00:27:19,012 must humbly-- humbleh... 288 00:27:19,089 --> 00:27:21,851 Humbly! Humbly! Humbleh. Humbly. 289 00:27:21,922 --> 00:27:25,979 ""And sincerely... And sincerely... 290 00:27:26,055 --> 00:27:29,579 apologize-- polgize... 291 00:27:29,656 --> 00:27:33,053 Apologize! Polgi-- 292 00:27:33,122 --> 00:27:35,088 Apologize. Apologize. Apologize. 293 00:27:35,156 --> 00:27:37,145 ""For saying-- Saying-- 294 00:27:37,222 --> 00:27:40,017 saying that I fucked another man. 295 00:27:43,256 --> 00:27:46,051 That-- Saying that I fucked another man! 296 00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:48,179 Saying that I fucked another man. 297 00:27:48,256 --> 00:27:50,188 Great. 298 00:27:51,256 --> 00:27:53,188 Satisfied? 299 00:27:53,256 --> 00:27:57,018 Uh, do you accept the fuckin' apology? 300 00:27:59,456 --> 00:28:01,388 Oh. 301 00:28:01,456 --> 00:28:04,581 You always have to have the last word, Angela. 302 00:28:04,656 --> 00:28:08,088 Aw, it's just one way with you. 303 00:28:11,055 --> 00:28:13,487 May l-- 304 00:28:13,556 --> 00:28:16,716 Shit, yeah. Come on, come on. Spit it out. 305 00:28:16,789 --> 00:28:20,186 I don't mean to upset you further, sir, 306 00:28:20,256 --> 00:28:23,484 but I do think she was trying to say yes. 307 00:28:32,723 --> 00:28:37,018 Are you... condescending to me, Theodore? 308 00:28:38,689 --> 00:28:41,382 Absolutely not, sir. 309 00:28:41,456 --> 00:28:45,513 Don't you think I noticed there's a gag in the woman's mouth? 310 00:28:45,589 --> 00:28:49,646 You know why I know that? 311 00:28:49,723 --> 00:28:54,882 How, sir? Because I put that gag in her mouth! 312 00:28:56,989 --> 00:29:00,422 Don't move a nose hair. 313 00:29:05,322 --> 00:29:07,345 Whoa! 314 00:29:07,422 --> 00:29:12,377 Don't be a stranger, Teddy! Take off your jacket and relax! 315 00:29:15,922 --> 00:29:18,945 What? 316 00:29:22,389 --> 00:29:26,344 We don't have time to play charades here, you asshole. Untie me. 317 00:29:26,422 --> 00:29:28,684 Listen! Jesus, honey! 318 00:29:28,755 --> 00:29:30,688 I would appreciate it... Where'd you put the Percodan? 319 00:29:30,755 --> 00:29:32,688 if you would tell that nut case in there... 320 00:29:32,755 --> 00:29:35,812 he's making a big fucking mistake. 321 00:29:35,889 --> 00:29:38,378 Look, whether you like it or not, 322 00:29:38,456 --> 00:29:42,320 you are in the middle of a situation here you cannot just wish your way out of. 323 00:29:42,389 --> 00:29:44,820 But l've never met you people before! 324 00:29:44,889 --> 00:29:47,151 You're complete strangers! 325 00:29:47,222 --> 00:29:50,154 Everybody starts out as strangers. It's where we end up that counts. 326 00:29:50,222 --> 00:29:53,154 You being a good boy, Theodore? Quick. He's coming back. 327 00:29:53,222 --> 00:29:55,484 Put the gag back in my mouth. We play this game all the time. 328 00:29:55,556 --> 00:29:57,714 Play by the rules and you won't get hurt. Quick. 329 00:29:57,822 --> 00:30:00,687 Come on, put the gag back in my mouth. Quick! Quick! Quick. 330 00:30:00,755 --> 00:30:05,415 Remember, don't make him mad. I hope you're being a good boy, Teddy. 331 00:30:05,489 --> 00:30:07,977 Oh! Teddy! Whoops! 332 00:30:08,055 --> 00:30:10,317 Oh! 333 00:30:10,389 --> 00:30:13,718 I was just beginning to think... 334 00:30:13,788 --> 00:30:16,220 I could trust you, Theodore. 335 00:30:16,289 --> 00:30:18,414 Just trying to help her breathe a little. 336 00:30:18,489 --> 00:30:21,750 Well, don't let me stop you, Teddy. 337 00:30:21,822 --> 00:30:25,845 You don't mind my calling you Teddy, do you? 338 00:30:25,922 --> 00:30:27,854 No, it's fine. 339 00:30:27,922 --> 00:30:30,150 You know, once upon a time... 340 00:30:30,222 --> 00:30:32,915 I had a little bunny rabbit. 341 00:30:32,989 --> 00:30:37,978 His name was Teddy. He looked real cute nibblin' on Angela's ear. 342 00:30:38,055 --> 00:30:41,419 But you're no bunny rabbit, and picturing you do it... 343 00:30:41,489 --> 00:30:45,353 really fuckin' razzes me. 344 00:30:45,422 --> 00:30:47,819 But don't let me stop you. 345 00:30:47,889 --> 00:30:49,912 Nibble, Teddy. 346 00:30:49,989 --> 00:30:52,819 lf this is some kind of... 347 00:30:52,889 --> 00:30:54,821 weird voodoo thing... 348 00:30:54,889 --> 00:30:58,515 and you want me to have sex with your wife, 349 00:30:58,589 --> 00:31:01,248 there's absolutely no way. 350 00:31:01,322 --> 00:31:04,083 Start nibblin', motherfucker! 351 00:31:04,156 --> 00:31:06,588 Now! Now! 352 00:31:06,655 --> 00:31:08,588 Oh. 353 00:31:08,655 --> 00:31:12,349 That's it. Hop like a bunny. 354 00:31:18,456 --> 00:31:20,388 Don't be shy. 355 00:31:23,989 --> 00:31:25,921 Good boy. 356 00:31:35,256 --> 00:31:37,721 What's the problem, Sparky? 357 00:31:37,788 --> 00:31:40,584 No whiz left in the cheese? 358 00:31:40,655 --> 00:31:44,849 Look, I'm not playing this game anymore. 359 00:31:44,922 --> 00:31:47,717 lt'll be over soon. 360 00:31:47,788 --> 00:31:50,550 Then you can go home to Mommy, 361 00:31:50,622 --> 00:31:52,850 Theodore. Ted! 362 00:31:55,256 --> 00:31:57,915 The name's Ted. 363 00:31:57,989 --> 00:32:01,648 Yes, my mother did me the disservice of naming me Theodore, 364 00:32:01,722 --> 00:32:04,882 and I haven't a clue as to how you know that, because everybody who knows that... 365 00:32:04,955 --> 00:32:07,547 is thousands of fucking miles away. 366 00:32:07,622 --> 00:32:09,918 Have you any idea, 367 00:32:09,989 --> 00:32:13,513 the faintest idea, 368 00:32:13,588 --> 00:32:18,521 what it's like to arrive at school and find yourself surrounded by the maladjusted? 369 00:32:20,755 --> 00:32:22,687 And there you stand. 370 00:32:23,922 --> 00:32:27,184 Little Lord Fauntleroy. 371 00:32:27,256 --> 00:32:30,983 Ever worn a bonnet? Give it a try sometime. 372 00:32:31,055 --> 00:32:34,351 So shoot me now, 373 00:32:34,422 --> 00:32:37,683 because no one is ever... 374 00:32:37,755 --> 00:32:41,847 going to call me... Theodore again, 375 00:32:41,922 --> 00:32:44,013 let alone... 376 00:32:44,089 --> 00:32:46,521 Theo... 377 00:32:46,588 --> 00:32:48,521 the Thumper. 378 00:32:57,222 --> 00:32:59,154 Wow. 379 00:33:07,256 --> 00:33:09,687 Sigfried. 380 00:33:12,655 --> 00:33:14,746 What? 381 00:33:15,822 --> 00:33:17,754 That's my name. 382 00:33:18,822 --> 00:33:20,913 Sigfried. Sigfried? 383 00:33:23,256 --> 00:33:25,687 Nice to meet ya. 384 00:33:25,755 --> 00:33:28,051 Very impressive, 385 00:33:28,122 --> 00:33:30,088 Ted. 386 00:33:30,156 --> 00:33:33,610 Thank you. It's a deal, kid. 387 00:33:33,688 --> 00:33:37,382 Ted it will be. 388 00:33:37,456 --> 00:33:40,512 Whew. 389 00:33:52,189 --> 00:33:54,451 Hmm? 390 00:33:57,456 --> 00:33:59,978 My heart! Aah! 391 00:34:02,256 --> 00:34:06,450 My... nitro pills in the bathroom! Quick! 392 00:34:15,356 --> 00:34:17,288 Hurry! 393 00:34:17,356 --> 00:34:22,152 Next to the condoms! They may be in my medicine bag! 394 00:34:23,222 --> 00:34:25,188 This is it! 395 00:34:25,256 --> 00:34:29,211 Oh, this is the big one, Angie! 396 00:34:29,289 --> 00:34:31,846 Dear God! 397 00:34:31,922 --> 00:34:35,877 Someone turn on the lights! 398 00:34:37,555 --> 00:34:41,181 Nitro. Nitro. Nitro. Oh, baby, I got the chills! 399 00:34:41,256 --> 00:34:45,483 I can't feel my leg! It's fucked up! 400 00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:53,653 Nitro! Where's the fuckin' white lightning? 401 00:34:53,722 --> 00:34:56,517 Can't live without my-- 402 00:34:56,588 --> 00:34:58,520 Ooh! 403 00:35:02,122 --> 00:35:04,281 Help me! 404 00:35:04,356 --> 00:35:09,152 No time to take a leak! I'm dyin', here! Help! Help! 405 00:35:09,222 --> 00:35:11,949 Help me! 406 00:35:12,022 --> 00:35:14,954 Help me! 407 00:35:15,022 --> 00:35:17,284 Help me! 408 00:35:17,356 --> 00:35:21,378 Help me! 409 00:35:33,722 --> 00:35:35,654 Good evening. 410 00:35:38,622 --> 00:35:40,884 Ah. 411 00:35:56,688 --> 00:35:58,813 I'm stuck in a situation here... 412 00:35:58,889 --> 00:36:02,151 which I couldn't possibly begin to explain. 413 00:36:02,222 --> 00:36:05,551 What I was wondering: Do you think you could, uh, 414 00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:08,349 call the police, sir? 415 00:36:08,421 --> 00:36:11,819 Are you all right, sir? Sir? 416 00:36:11,889 --> 00:36:13,821 lce. 417 00:36:39,055 --> 00:36:41,680 Yoo-hoo. Sigfried. 418 00:36:45,722 --> 00:36:49,518 Oh, my God! Sigfried! 419 00:36:49,588 --> 00:36:51,611 Angela! 420 00:36:57,388 --> 00:37:01,151 Ohh! Ohh! 421 00:37:03,222 --> 00:37:05,154 Where is the fucking nitro? 422 00:37:05,222 --> 00:37:07,278 Couldn't find it. What do you mean, you couldn't find it? 423 00:37:07,355 --> 00:37:09,287 Untie me! I'll find it! 424 00:37:09,355 --> 00:37:11,981 It's your fault he's so upset! Now he's dying! 425 00:37:12,055 --> 00:37:14,543 I'll get some help! 426 00:37:14,622 --> 00:37:16,554 Aah! 427 00:37:16,622 --> 00:37:20,180 I tie a pretty good knot, don't l, Ted? 428 00:37:20,256 --> 00:37:23,222 Sigfried! 429 00:37:23,288 --> 00:37:27,482 Thank God, you're okay! 430 00:37:28,622 --> 00:37:31,145 You bastard. 431 00:37:32,355 --> 00:37:35,549 Aw, honey. 432 00:37:35,622 --> 00:37:41,112 Don't get mad. It was just a little test, and I'm glad that I did it, because now I know... 433 00:37:41,189 --> 00:37:43,178 you love me forever, 434 00:37:43,255 --> 00:37:45,619 truly... 435 00:37:45,688 --> 00:37:47,620 and deeply. 436 00:37:47,688 --> 00:37:50,279 lf the simple fact that I didn't want your bloated, dead body... 437 00:37:50,355 --> 00:37:55,118 lying out on the floor is love, then no wonder we find ourselves as we are at this very moment. 438 00:37:55,189 --> 00:38:00,450 Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted? 439 00:38:00,522 --> 00:38:02,988 I think you're right, 440 00:38:03,055 --> 00:38:06,680 and if you just keep this kind of open dialogue going, 441 00:38:06,755 --> 00:38:09,516 I think you'll go a long way to resolving this misunderstanding. 442 00:38:09,588 --> 00:38:13,180 You'd be surprised what happens if people just listen... 443 00:38:13,255 --> 00:38:16,653 without succumbing to all that pain and anger. 444 00:38:16,722 --> 00:38:20,950 You heard shit, monkey boy. Easy for you to say after you fuck another man's wife. 445 00:38:21,022 --> 00:38:23,817 You should at least have the guts to stand behind... 446 00:38:23,889 --> 00:38:26,117 your convictions. 447 00:38:26,189 --> 00:38:29,848 She's lying, Sigfried. I swear to God. 448 00:38:29,922 --> 00:38:33,047 You know, when I think of all the times you were inside me... 449 00:38:33,122 --> 00:38:35,519 promising me a better life, it makes me wanna puke. 450 00:38:38,688 --> 00:38:41,154 Why are you doing this to me? 451 00:38:42,455 --> 00:38:46,478 What have I ever done to you people? 452 00:38:46,555 --> 00:38:49,021 What didn't you do, stick man? 453 00:38:49,089 --> 00:38:53,487 Unfortunately, you don't have the balls to back up the actions of your huge cock. 454 00:38:53,555 --> 00:38:56,544 No, no, no. 455 00:38:56,622 --> 00:39:00,055 He's got a huge cock? 456 00:39:00,122 --> 00:39:03,212 Oh, no, no, no, no. 457 00:39:03,288 --> 00:39:06,152 Show it to me. It's not that big. 458 00:39:06,221 --> 00:39:10,779 Put it this way: God made up for what he did to Gumby with Teddy here. 459 00:39:10,855 --> 00:39:13,150 Show it to me! 460 00:39:13,221 --> 00:39:16,813 Show him your cock, Theodore. 461 00:39:16,889 --> 00:39:20,184 Please stop talking about his cock! 462 00:39:20,255 --> 00:39:23,983 Well, it's hard to stop talking about something that's so huge. 463 00:39:24,055 --> 00:39:27,680 I mean, I could go on and on about his cock, 464 00:39:27,755 --> 00:39:29,687 his bone, 465 00:39:29,755 --> 00:39:31,812 his knob, Shh. 466 00:39:31,889 --> 00:39:34,446 his bishop, 467 00:39:34,522 --> 00:39:39,545 wang, thang, rod, hot rod, humpmobile, 468 00:39:39,622 --> 00:39:41,554 Oscar, dong, dagger, banana, 469 00:39:41,622 --> 00:39:43,815 cucumber, salami, 470 00:39:43,889 --> 00:39:47,150 sausage, kielbasa, schlong, 471 00:39:47,221 --> 00:39:50,449 dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter, 472 00:39:50,522 --> 00:39:53,784 pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener, pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn, 473 00:39:53,855 --> 00:39:55,787 middle leg, third leg, meat, 474 00:39:55,855 --> 00:39:58,844 stick, joystick, dipstick, 475 00:39:58,922 --> 00:40:01,047 one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head, 476 00:40:01,121 --> 00:40:03,849 little guy, Rumple Foreskin, Tootsie Roll, 477 00:40:03,922 --> 00:40:05,979 love muscle, skin flute, 478 00:40:06,055 --> 00:40:09,452 Roto-Rooter, snake-- 479 00:40:09,522 --> 00:40:11,317 Please don't go! 480 00:40:13,688 --> 00:40:15,984 Hammer, rammer, Spammer, 481 00:40:16,055 --> 00:40:18,953 bazooka, rubber, chubby, sticky, stubby. 482 00:40:20,288 --> 00:40:22,811 Hey, do you know where room 404 is, man, 483 00:40:22,889 --> 00:40:25,320 'cause I was up at this party, and-- 484 00:40:25,388 --> 00:40:29,184 I have absolutely no idea! 485 00:40:29,255 --> 00:40:31,813 Oh. 486 00:40:35,255 --> 00:40:37,813 Schmeck, schmuck, schvantz, ying-yang, yang-- 487 00:40:37,889 --> 00:40:40,377 Whoa! I'm Theodore. What? 488 00:40:40,455 --> 00:40:42,648 Well, you're right on time, Theodore. 489 00:40:42,722 --> 00:40:44,711 Let's not beleaguer the fact... 490 00:40:44,788 --> 00:40:46,981 that you have no sense of timing. 491 00:40:47,054 --> 00:40:49,612 The fact is... 492 00:40:49,688 --> 00:40:52,984 you're here. 493 00:41:22,288 --> 00:41:25,311 Front desk. 494 00:41:25,388 --> 00:41:28,946 Bottle of champagne. Fast. 495 00:41:41,255 --> 00:41:44,221 Stand still. 496 00:41:44,288 --> 00:41:47,311 I said stand still. You're gonna ruin your suit. 497 00:41:47,388 --> 00:41:49,616 Come here. Come here. 498 00:41:49,688 --> 00:41:52,017 Gimme that. 499 00:41:52,088 --> 00:41:54,145 Let me see. 500 00:41:57,054 --> 00:42:00,384 There. There, you see? You see? 501 00:42:00,455 --> 00:42:04,978 Huh? You look good with your hair back like this. 502 00:42:05,054 --> 00:42:07,816 Like me. Like me. 503 00:42:07,889 --> 00:42:11,150 Not down and to the side, all stupid... 504 00:42:11,221 --> 00:42:13,278 like your mother likes to comb it. 505 00:42:13,355 --> 00:42:16,321 No. No. 506 00:42:16,388 --> 00:42:18,820 Like this. Ow. 507 00:42:38,889 --> 00:42:40,855 Gimme this. 508 00:42:43,288 --> 00:42:46,311 lmpossible. 509 00:42:46,388 --> 00:42:49,650 You've got your mother's hair. You can't do anything with it. 510 00:42:51,221 --> 00:42:54,016 There. Go. Go. 511 00:42:56,255 --> 00:42:59,653 How did you get your hair in such a tangled mess, huh? 512 00:43:02,088 --> 00:43:04,884 There. Go. Finished. 513 00:43:08,421 --> 00:43:11,012 Are we gonna have fun tonight? 514 00:43:16,921 --> 00:43:18,978 I didn't think so. 515 00:43:30,121 --> 00:43:32,144 Hey. 516 00:43:33,655 --> 00:43:35,678 What about leaving the kids here? 517 00:43:35,755 --> 00:43:38,084 Hmm? Here in the room, all by themselves? 518 00:43:38,155 --> 00:43:40,882 No, with the television. 519 00:43:40,954 --> 00:43:42,886 Hmm? 520 00:43:50,588 --> 00:43:52,883 You wanna have fun tonight, don't you? 521 00:43:54,155 --> 00:43:56,087 Yes. 522 00:43:56,155 --> 00:43:58,144 Give it to me. Give it to me. 523 00:43:58,221 --> 00:44:00,153 Give it to me. 524 00:44:11,121 --> 00:44:14,349 Hey. 525 00:44:14,421 --> 00:44:16,852 You kids are gonna stay here watching TV. 526 00:44:18,921 --> 00:44:22,217 I want you to be in bed and asleep before 12:00. 527 00:44:22,288 --> 00:44:26,345 Twelve. Your mother and l will be back later on, 528 00:44:26,421 --> 00:44:28,353 maybe. 529 00:44:29,988 --> 00:44:33,045 Don't misbehave. 530 00:44:50,455 --> 00:44:54,649 Why did we have to get all dressed up if we're not going with them? 531 00:44:54,722 --> 00:44:57,051 I don't know. 532 00:45:04,321 --> 00:45:07,014 What are you doing? I'm escaping. 533 00:45:07,088 --> 00:45:09,350 It stinks in here anyway. 534 00:45:09,421 --> 00:45:11,353 What did I say? 535 00:45:16,921 --> 00:45:18,819 Behave. 536 00:45:18,888 --> 00:45:21,081 Yes, Papa. 537 00:45:21,155 --> 00:45:23,348 The champagne you ordered, sir. 538 00:45:24,421 --> 00:45:27,080 Too late. Leave it on ice. 539 00:45:27,155 --> 00:45:29,087 But I want some now. 540 00:45:29,155 --> 00:45:31,178 There'll be plenty for you at the party, baby. 541 00:45:31,255 --> 00:45:34,346 You can bomb yourself all you want at the party. 542 00:45:34,421 --> 00:45:37,546 Put it down. Put it down. 543 00:45:43,155 --> 00:45:45,587 All right. 544 00:45:45,655 --> 00:45:50,053 You want 500 bucks? Sure. 545 00:45:50,121 --> 00:45:53,679 How about three? Three hundred dollars? 546 00:45:53,754 --> 00:45:55,687 Yeah. Three's fine. 547 00:45:55,754 --> 00:46:00,187 Good. My children are staying here tonight watching TV. 548 00:46:00,255 --> 00:46:04,187 I want you to check up on them every 30 minutes. 549 00:46:04,255 --> 00:46:06,812 Check up on them? Yeah, make sure they're all right. 550 00:46:06,888 --> 00:46:09,684 Make sure they're fed. Make sure they go to bed. You know, these things. 551 00:46:09,754 --> 00:46:12,516 Sir, I can send out for a baby-sitting service. 552 00:46:12,588 --> 00:46:15,747 No. I don't trust baby-sitters. 553 00:46:15,821 --> 00:46:18,083 My children are safer alone... 554 00:46:18,155 --> 00:46:20,348 than with some fucked-up pedophile baby-sitter... 555 00:46:20,421 --> 00:46:22,478 I don't know from the man in the fucking moon. 556 00:46:22,555 --> 00:46:26,714 What about him? What makes you think you can trust him? 557 00:46:28,088 --> 00:46:31,248 Tell me that's not a face you can trust. 558 00:46:31,321 --> 00:46:34,082 l'd love to help you with your problem, sir, 559 00:46:34,155 --> 00:46:37,588 but unfortunately I'm here alone tonight. 560 00:46:37,655 --> 00:46:40,348 Hmm. 561 00:46:42,821 --> 00:46:47,379 One hundred, two hundred, three hundred. 562 00:46:47,455 --> 00:46:49,750 Here you are. 563 00:46:49,821 --> 00:46:52,685 I thought you said 500. No, I said 300. 564 00:46:52,754 --> 00:46:55,516 No, sir. I distinctly heard you say 500. 565 00:46:55,588 --> 00:46:58,349 Are you calling me a liar? No, sir. 566 00:46:58,421 --> 00:47:01,012 What I'm saying is that you accidentally forgot that the first thing you said-- 567 00:47:01,088 --> 00:47:05,020 But what I last said was 300, and what you say last is what counts. 568 00:47:05,088 --> 00:47:09,747 Well, then, if you say 500 one last time, we have a deal. You fucking with me, pendejo? 569 00:47:09,821 --> 00:47:13,515 No, sir, but I'm by myself, 570 00:47:13,588 --> 00:47:16,213 and looking after your kids is a pain in the ass I don't need. 571 00:47:16,288 --> 00:47:18,379 Are you calling my kids a pain in the ass? 572 00:47:18,455 --> 00:47:21,682 Why, no, sir, not the kids. 573 00:47:21,754 --> 00:47:25,187 It's the situation that is a pain in the ass. 574 00:47:25,255 --> 00:47:28,914 No, you were right the first time. They're a pain in the ass. 575 00:47:28,988 --> 00:47:31,511 All right. You win, tough guy. Five hundred. 576 00:47:31,588 --> 00:47:34,179 You kids are getting expensive. 577 00:47:34,255 --> 00:47:36,686 What's your name? 578 00:47:36,754 --> 00:47:39,186 Ted. 579 00:47:39,255 --> 00:47:41,483 lf you need anything, just dial zero and ask for Ted. 580 00:47:43,622 --> 00:47:46,678 And make sure they're in bed before midnight. Before midnight? 581 00:47:46,754 --> 00:47:49,243 Then should I wake them up for the countdown to the New Year? 582 00:47:49,321 --> 00:47:52,481 No. 583 00:47:52,555 --> 00:47:55,180 lf something happens to my children... 584 00:48:00,888 --> 00:48:03,514 I wouldn't want to be you. 585 00:48:06,155 --> 00:48:08,178 Don't misbehave. 586 00:48:10,787 --> 00:48:13,549 Let's get out of here. 587 00:48:41,787 --> 00:48:44,185 Okay. 588 00:48:44,255 --> 00:48:46,652 These are the rules. 589 00:48:46,721 --> 00:48:50,347 Don't break the rules and I won't break your necks. 590 00:48:52,787 --> 00:48:54,980 I always wanted to say that. 591 00:48:55,054 --> 00:48:57,543 Someone said that to me when I was a kid. 592 00:48:59,121 --> 00:49:01,712 Only they weren't joking. 593 00:49:03,455 --> 00:49:05,387 The rules are simple: 594 00:49:05,455 --> 00:49:08,353 Don't do anything you wouldn't do if your parents were here. 595 00:49:08,421 --> 00:49:11,545 lf there's an emergency, call me on the phone like your dad said. Thank you. 596 00:49:11,621 --> 00:49:17,384 That's not what he said. He said to call you if we need anything. 597 00:49:17,455 --> 00:49:20,682 Well, I have a lot of work to do, and I can't have you calling me... 598 00:49:20,754 --> 00:49:22,720 every time you want a glass of water, so please, 599 00:49:22,787 --> 00:49:25,083 try and limit your calls to emergencies only. 600 00:49:25,155 --> 00:49:28,212 Thank you. We paid you $500. 601 00:49:28,288 --> 00:49:32,220 We'll call you if we need anything. 602 00:49:32,288 --> 00:49:34,379 You don't wanna get my dad mad. 603 00:49:36,721 --> 00:49:41,051 Oh. Well, try and call only when necessary. 604 00:49:41,121 --> 00:49:43,552 Watch TV, and if you're good, 605 00:49:43,621 --> 00:49:45,746 I'll bring you up some milk and cookies. 606 00:49:47,455 --> 00:49:49,716 Bye, now. 607 00:50:10,487 --> 00:50:13,079 Your feet stink. 608 00:50:14,455 --> 00:50:17,511 They don't stink. 609 00:50:22,321 --> 00:50:24,684 Check it out! T and A! 610 00:50:26,155 --> 00:50:28,246 Change it. You're not supposed to watch this. 611 00:50:28,321 --> 00:50:31,718 We're supposed to watch TV. Not this kind of TV. 612 00:50:31,787 --> 00:50:33,753 Change it. 613 00:50:35,621 --> 00:50:37,712 Leave me alone. Ouch. 614 00:50:37,787 --> 00:50:39,753 Ouch. 615 00:50:52,787 --> 00:50:54,719 Front desk. 616 00:50:54,787 --> 00:50:57,844 Ted? What did I tell you? 617 00:50:57,921 --> 00:51:01,217 Don't bother me and you'll get milk and cookies. Now, do you want them or do you not? 618 00:51:01,288 --> 00:51:04,379 I want you to turn off the nudie station in our room. 619 00:51:04,454 --> 00:51:07,545 I cannot turn on an adult station without the express permission of your parents. 620 00:51:07,621 --> 00:51:10,917 No, not turn it on. Turn it off. 621 00:51:10,988 --> 00:51:13,886 It's already on. Whoa. 622 00:51:13,954 --> 00:51:16,250 That's not what the machine tells me. 623 00:51:16,321 --> 00:51:19,310 Well, stop listening to the machine and listen to me. 624 00:51:19,388 --> 00:51:23,377 There's naked ladies dancing on my TV, and I want 'em off. 625 00:51:23,454 --> 00:51:26,909 Like I said, I'll be up later to put you both to sleep. 626 00:51:26,988 --> 00:51:29,386 Bye. 627 00:51:29,454 --> 00:51:32,216 Change the channel now! 628 00:51:36,587 --> 00:51:39,712 Man, you're the one with the stinking feet. 629 00:51:48,454 --> 00:51:50,716 They don't stink. 630 00:51:50,787 --> 00:51:53,753 Yeah, they do. No, they don't. 631 00:51:53,821 --> 00:51:56,514 Here, smell for yourself. 632 00:51:58,221 --> 00:52:00,119 Go ahead. 633 00:52:22,255 --> 00:52:24,812 Go ahead. 634 00:52:43,587 --> 00:52:46,485 Get a bottle opener. 635 00:53:00,255 --> 00:53:03,516 Don't shake it. 636 00:53:06,255 --> 00:53:09,709 Front desk. Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah. 637 00:53:09,787 --> 00:53:14,845 Who died? No one? Good. Then don't call me. 638 00:53:14,921 --> 00:53:18,648 I just thought l'd tell you that your cleaning ladies are doing a bum job. 639 00:53:18,721 --> 00:53:23,051 There's all kinds of leftover stuff here: needles and things. 640 00:53:23,121 --> 00:53:25,053 We're not supposed to have needles, are we? 641 00:53:25,121 --> 00:53:27,780 I mean, they don't come with the room, do they? 642 00:53:27,854 --> 00:53:30,150 Send someone up here to clean this place up right. 643 00:53:31,621 --> 00:53:33,849 I told you not to shake it! 644 00:53:33,921 --> 00:53:38,183 I gotta go. My dumb brother just exploded the champagne all over the room. 645 00:53:38,255 --> 00:53:41,618 Oh, and bring us up a couple of toothbrushes. 646 00:53:41,687 --> 00:53:45,676 There's a card in the bathroom that says you'll bring us free toothbrushes if we ask for them. 647 00:53:48,787 --> 00:53:51,719 I'm calling a room. Give me three numbers. 648 00:53:51,787 --> 00:53:55,685 Four... zero... nine. 649 00:53:59,787 --> 00:54:01,878 Hello? What? 650 00:54:01,954 --> 00:54:04,545 Hi. You don't know me, and I don't know you either, 651 00:54:04,621 --> 00:54:06,382 but do you have any needles? 652 00:54:06,454 --> 00:54:10,148 We have needles here, and I was wondering if they come with the room or not. 653 00:54:10,221 --> 00:54:12,550 We ain't got no needles here, kid. 654 00:54:12,621 --> 00:54:15,382 No? Just a big fuckin' gun. 655 00:54:15,454 --> 00:54:17,477 Just checking. 656 00:55:10,921 --> 00:55:14,876 This is the bull's-eye. It's worth 100 points. 657 00:55:14,954 --> 00:55:18,011 This is worth ten points. This is worth 20 points. 658 00:55:18,088 --> 00:55:22,986 This is worth-Hey, wait 'til I get out of the way! 659 00:55:25,121 --> 00:55:28,382 This is how an expert throws it. 660 00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:36,686 Hello, kiddie-winkies. I brought your milk and cookies. 661 00:55:36,754 --> 00:55:39,879 You're going to have to eat them now, because... 662 00:55:39,954 --> 00:55:42,511 you're going to sleep. 663 00:55:42,587 --> 00:55:44,519 We have to go to sleep now? 664 00:55:44,587 --> 00:55:47,382 Your parents said to put you to bed before midnight. 665 00:55:47,454 --> 00:55:49,716 Well-- Tsk, tsk, tsk. 666 00:55:49,787 --> 00:55:54,185 Maybe this way you'll leave me alone. 667 00:55:54,254 --> 00:55:56,345 Those aren't milk and cookies. 668 00:55:56,420 --> 00:55:58,443 Well, we ran out of cookies, 669 00:55:58,521 --> 00:56:01,510 so I brought you milk and saltines. 670 00:56:01,587 --> 00:56:04,678 Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat. You're going to bed. 671 00:56:04,754 --> 00:56:06,845 They're old. 672 00:56:06,921 --> 00:56:11,319 Dip them in the milk. The milk will make them soft. 673 00:56:18,687 --> 00:56:21,051 No crackers? 674 00:56:21,120 --> 00:56:24,678 Sleepy time. Now, I don't want you wandering around, 675 00:56:24,754 --> 00:56:26,720 so if you need the rest room-- 676 00:57:00,087 --> 00:57:02,020 What about our pajamas? 677 00:57:02,087 --> 00:57:04,519 You wanna look nice in case there's an earthquake, don't you? 678 00:57:04,587 --> 00:57:07,519 Yeah. Well, then, stay in those clothes. 679 00:57:07,587 --> 00:57:10,348 This is some Mentholatum ointment. 680 00:57:10,420 --> 00:57:14,352 Now, under the covers and close your eyes, and I'll tell you a story. 681 00:57:14,420 --> 00:57:16,886 Your dad says he hates baby-sitters, doesn't trust 'em. 682 00:57:16,954 --> 00:57:19,215 Well, can't say I blame him, really. 683 00:57:19,287 --> 00:57:21,651 You know what my baby-sitter did to me when I was a kid? 684 00:57:22,854 --> 00:57:24,786 I used to hate going to sleep. 685 00:57:24,854 --> 00:57:27,684 You know, when it's late, you wanna get up, run around, go crazy. 686 00:57:27,754 --> 00:57:30,515 Well, what my baby-sitter used to do to me... 687 00:57:30,587 --> 00:57:33,553 to make sure l'd stay in bed, not be tempted to get up, 688 00:57:33,621 --> 00:57:36,712 was she'd take some of this vapor rub ointment... 689 00:57:39,854 --> 00:57:42,718 and she'd dab a little on each eyelid... 690 00:57:42,787 --> 00:57:46,378 just to make sure l'd stay put. 691 00:57:46,454 --> 00:57:49,614 There. Now you have some too. 692 00:57:49,687 --> 00:57:53,676 Don't open your eyes or it'll burn, burn, burn. 693 00:57:53,754 --> 00:57:55,686 What about in the morning? Well, if you keep... 694 00:57:55,754 --> 00:58:00,209 your eyes shut tight all night, it'll wear off by morning, but don't open them before then. 695 00:58:00,287 --> 00:58:02,253 Did you ever open your eyes? 696 00:58:02,320 --> 00:58:05,718 Yes, I did, and look at me now. 697 00:58:05,787 --> 00:58:09,082 We can't. Exactly. Good. 698 00:58:11,287 --> 00:58:13,219 You'll do fine. 699 00:58:13,287 --> 00:58:16,549 Sleep tight all night... 700 00:58:16,621 --> 00:58:19,712 and I won't tell your parents about the champagne. 701 00:58:22,888 --> 00:58:24,820 Good night. 702 00:59:16,787 --> 00:59:19,184 Are you watching TV? 703 00:59:19,254 --> 00:59:24,380 Yep. lf you wanna watch, you better go wash your face. 704 00:59:31,420 --> 00:59:33,579 Unh! Be careful. 705 00:59:34,953 --> 00:59:37,385 Gimme that! 706 00:59:54,420 --> 00:59:57,545 Ah. 707 00:59:57,621 --> 01:00:00,280 Hey, what are you doing? 708 01:00:19,187 --> 01:00:21,380 Shut up. 709 01:00:21,454 --> 01:00:24,079 You! Shut up! Shut up! 710 01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:31,915 Ted! What do you want now, for Christ sakes? Who died? 711 01:00:31,987 --> 01:00:34,044 I don't know, but she's in my bed. 712 01:00:34,120 --> 01:00:37,052 What? There's a dead body in my bed. 713 01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:39,382 Nonsense! That's just your brother sound asleep! 714 01:00:39,454 --> 01:00:43,716 No! There's a woman's dead body inside the bed in the mattress. 715 01:00:43,787 --> 01:00:46,252 You saw the body? Yes! 716 01:00:46,320 --> 01:00:49,911 lmpossible! You've got the ointment on your eyes. 717 01:00:49,987 --> 01:00:53,715 Ya can't see shit! Now go to sleep! 718 01:00:56,687 --> 01:00:59,448 Go to sleep! I washed it off. 719 01:00:59,521 --> 01:01:03,419 The Mentholatum? Yeah. Didn't you ever think to do that? 720 01:01:05,020 --> 01:01:07,350 Get your ass up here and call the police, 721 01:01:07,420 --> 01:01:11,182 because there's a dead body in my bed, and it smells like shit, and it looks even worse. 722 01:01:11,254 --> 01:01:14,049 lf you don't help us, my dad is going to lay you down right next to her, 723 01:01:14,120 --> 01:01:16,609 I swear to fucking God! 724 01:01:16,687 --> 01:01:18,948 I am coming up there right this minute! 725 01:01:19,020 --> 01:01:22,783 lf there is no dead body in that room by the time I get up there, I'm gonna make one! 726 01:01:22,853 --> 01:01:24,944 You-- 727 01:01:25,020 --> 01:01:27,452 Little bitch. 728 01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,052 Ah, shit! 729 01:01:55,187 --> 01:01:56,982 Cover it up. Cover it up. 730 01:02:02,020 --> 01:02:04,077 Thank you. 731 01:02:15,354 --> 01:02:18,718 Jesus Christ! What the fuck is going on here? 732 01:02:18,786 --> 01:02:21,082 Your parents are on their way up here. 733 01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,881 And I am not taking responsibility for this mess! 734 01:02:24,953 --> 01:02:28,749 Check under the mattress. For what? 735 01:02:28,820 --> 01:02:32,218 For the body. Can't you smell it? It's your feet. 736 01:02:40,621 --> 01:02:43,916 Fucking Christ! What the fuck is that? 737 01:02:48,786 --> 01:02:51,218 Police! It's an emergency! 738 01:02:57,621 --> 01:03:01,553 Police! Get someone over here right fucking now. 739 01:03:01,621 --> 01:03:05,417 There's a dead whore stuffed in the mattress! Don't call her that. 740 01:03:05,487 --> 01:03:08,919 Shut up! I'm dead fucking serious. 741 01:03:08,987 --> 01:03:13,443 There's a dead fucking whore stuffed... Stop calling her that! 742 01:03:13,521 --> 01:03:16,351 in the fucking bed! 743 01:03:18,420 --> 01:03:19,908 Fuck! 744 01:03:40,621 --> 01:03:44,075 lf your pad is a wax museum 745 01:03:48,287 --> 01:03:50,912 The young and exotic 746 01:03:50,987 --> 01:03:53,112 Following a millionaire 747 01:03:53,187 --> 01:03:57,586 A glass and a shaker 748 01:03:57,654 --> 01:04:00,552 Our host is a real scene maker 749 01:04:00,621 --> 01:04:03,711 The millionaire's holiday 750 01:04:06,454 --> 01:04:10,715 The millionaire's holiday 751 01:04:13,454 --> 01:04:18,250 The millionaire's holiday 752 01:04:22,953 --> 01:04:25,078 Did they misbehave? 753 01:04:51,753 --> 01:04:55,776 Emergency? 754 01:04:55,853 --> 01:05:00,115 Just-- 755 01:05:10,786 --> 01:05:12,718 Happy New Year. 756 01:05:12,786 --> 01:05:17,219 Let me speak to Betty. Uh, party's over. She probably went home. 757 01:05:17,287 --> 01:05:22,276 She lives there! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her. 758 01:05:22,354 --> 01:05:25,184 Well, then get her on the phone. Tell her it's an emergency. 759 01:05:25,254 --> 01:05:28,186 Who-Who should I say is calling? 760 01:05:28,254 --> 01:05:30,776 You tell her it's Teddy from work on the phone. 761 01:05:30,853 --> 01:05:33,910 I got some major fucking emergency. 762 01:05:33,987 --> 01:05:36,885 Hi, Ted. I'm Margaret. 763 01:05:36,953 --> 01:05:40,044 You sound down. Has this not been the happiest of New Years? 764 01:05:40,120 --> 01:05:44,075 No, Margaret. This hasn't been my happiest New Year. 765 01:05:44,154 --> 01:05:47,086 This one's starting off pretty fucking badly. 766 01:05:47,154 --> 01:05:50,245 Aw, how come? Well, Betty... 767 01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:54,252 leaves me here all by myself, and first thing right off the bat, 768 01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,252 I'm fucked by a coven of witches. 769 01:05:56,320 --> 01:05:59,252 You were fucked by an oven full of witches? 770 01:05:59,320 --> 01:06:03,843 A coven of witches! Not an oven! 771 01:06:03,920 --> 01:06:06,352 Well, one witch in particular. 772 01:06:06,420 --> 01:06:11,250 Was she an old hag with a mole on her face with hair growing out of it? 773 01:06:11,320 --> 01:06:13,081 No, no, she was very beautiful. 774 01:06:13,154 --> 01:06:18,711 Ted? What's the problem? 775 01:06:18,786 --> 01:06:23,741 Well, admittedly, that was the best part of the evening. 776 01:06:23,820 --> 01:06:26,786 It was pretty bloody good actually. 777 01:06:26,853 --> 01:06:30,546 But it's still a pretty unnerving way to start off the night. 778 01:06:30,620 --> 01:06:33,382 Sounds like a pretty great way to start off the night to me. 779 01:06:33,454 --> 01:06:36,908 Why don't we just skip over the witches? Skipping the witches. 780 01:06:36,987 --> 01:06:40,510 Right. Later, in another room, 781 01:06:40,586 --> 01:06:44,848 some crazy fucking maniac sticks a gun in my face... 782 01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:47,909 and forces me to play out some psychosexual drama with his wife. 783 01:06:47,987 --> 01:06:50,215 He made you have psycho sex with his wife? 784 01:06:50,287 --> 01:06:53,048 No, he didn't make me fuck his wife. He thought I fucked his wife. 785 01:06:53,120 --> 01:06:56,348 He held me at gunpoint with a loaded gun! What kind of gun was it? 786 01:06:56,420 --> 01:06:58,715 I don't know. I'm not a gun guy. It was big. 787 01:06:58,786 --> 01:07:02,912 Was it like Dirty Harry's gun? Yeah, sort of like that, yeah. 788 01:07:02,987 --> 01:07:05,851 Did it have a real long barrel or a short barrel? 789 01:07:05,920 --> 01:07:08,511 What difference does it make? 790 01:07:08,586 --> 01:07:13,076 Well, for one thing, it's a difference between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357. 791 01:07:13,154 --> 01:07:17,916 Who the fuck cares whether it was a .44 or a .392? It was a big fucking gun! 792 01:07:17,987 --> 01:07:20,953 It was loaded! And it was pointed right at my fucking head! 793 01:07:21,020 --> 01:07:25,611 You wanna skip this part too? I want you to get Betty on the phone right fucking now. 794 01:07:25,686 --> 01:07:30,381 Hold on. Anybody live here named-- 795 01:07:30,453 --> 01:07:32,578 What's her name again? 796 01:07:32,653 --> 01:07:36,585 Betty. Betty! 797 01:07:36,653 --> 01:07:39,279 Whatcha screaming about? 798 01:07:39,354 --> 01:07:41,911 You're Betty? Yeah, I'm Betty. It's my fucking place. 799 01:07:41,987 --> 01:07:46,079 Who the fuck are you? I'm Margaret. And this is Ted. 800 01:07:49,786 --> 01:07:53,616 You guys, wanna go to breakfast? No. 801 01:07:53,686 --> 01:07:56,414 Let's go to Denny's. Later. 802 01:07:56,486 --> 01:08:01,509 Okay, Ted, what's the problem? Hello, Betty. 803 01:08:01,586 --> 01:08:04,848 ""What's the problem?"" I haven't got a problem. 804 01:08:04,920 --> 01:08:10,682 l've got fucking problems. Plural. Wanna hear? Sure. 805 01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:14,412 Well, most recently, there's room 309. 806 01:08:14,486 --> 01:08:19,010 There's this scary Mexican gangster dude pokin' his finger in my chest. 807 01:08:19,087 --> 01:08:22,281 There's his hooligan kids snapping their fingers at me. 808 01:08:22,354 --> 01:08:26,945 There's a putrid, rotting corpse of a dead whore stuffed in the springs of the bed. 809 01:08:27,020 --> 01:08:29,350 There's rooms blazing afire. 810 01:08:29,419 --> 01:08:31,908 There's a big fat needle from God knows where, 811 01:08:31,987 --> 01:08:34,885 stuck in my leg, infecting me with God knows what. 812 01:08:34,953 --> 01:08:38,885 And finally, there's me, walkin' out the door right fuckin' now. 813 01:08:38,953 --> 01:08:43,181 Buenas noches. 814 01:08:43,254 --> 01:08:47,346 ls that the penthouse? Yes, it is. 815 01:08:47,419 --> 01:08:49,215 It's the Chester Rush party. They want something. 816 01:08:49,287 --> 01:08:55,083 Well, tough titty. They're just gonna have to whistle, because I'm off. 817 01:08:55,154 --> 01:08:57,415 Now, Ted, wait a minute. I know you're freaked. 818 01:08:57,486 --> 01:08:59,850 I know you're stressed. You had a real bad night. 819 01:08:59,920 --> 01:09:05,614 Oh, yes, Betty. l've had a real bad night. 820 01:09:05,686 --> 01:09:09,516 The only thing I ask is that you take care of Chester Rush, and then you can leave. 821 01:09:09,586 --> 01:09:12,609 I don't feel like it! Ted, he's a very important guest of the hotel. 822 01:09:12,686 --> 01:09:14,618 ln fact, he's the most important guest of the hotel. 823 01:09:14,686 --> 01:09:17,209 The Mon Signor used to be a haven for movie stars. 824 01:09:17,287 --> 01:09:19,616 Through the Thirties, Forties and first halfof the Fifties, 825 01:09:19,686 --> 01:09:22,675 more movie stars, if you break it down on a night-by-night basis, 826 01:09:22,753 --> 01:09:25,219 stayed at the Mon Signor than any other hotel in Hollywood. 827 01:09:25,287 --> 01:09:27,219 Now, we had some hard times in the Eighties, 828 01:09:27,287 --> 01:09:29,343 even though we were the official hotel of Cannon Pictures, 829 01:09:29,419 --> 01:09:31,283 but we're comin' back strong in the Nineties. 830 01:09:31,353 --> 01:09:33,876 And a movie star clientele is important to that comeback. 831 01:09:33,953 --> 01:09:36,510 Now, you look here-- He probably just wants some champagne. 832 01:09:36,586 --> 01:09:40,075 You can do that, can't you? Ted. Just take care of him. 833 01:09:40,154 --> 01:09:42,676 The entire staffof the Mon Signor is begging you. 834 01:09:42,753 --> 01:09:48,186 Okay. But you get your ass down here pronto! 835 01:09:48,254 --> 01:09:51,344 You're a good man, Ted. Thanks. 836 01:09:59,453 --> 01:10:04,250 Hello, Mr. Rush. Sorry for the delay. 837 01:10:04,319 --> 01:10:06,149 How can I help you? 838 01:10:20,553 --> 01:10:25,315 Get your skanky asses the fuck outta here! 839 01:10:47,853 --> 01:10:49,910 Room service. 840 01:10:52,653 --> 01:10:54,585 Hello, Theodore. 841 01:10:57,653 --> 01:11:02,143 What the f-fuck are you doing here? Havin' a drink. 842 01:11:02,220 --> 01:11:04,583 ls Sigfried here? 843 01:11:04,653 --> 01:11:07,585 Are you kidding? He'll probably be asleep 'til Christmas. 844 01:11:07,653 --> 01:11:09,915 Hey, everybody. The bellboy is here. 845 01:11:09,987 --> 01:11:13,646 The bellboy's here! Oh, my God! Shit! 846 01:11:13,720 --> 01:11:17,675 Happy New Year! Entra! Entra! 847 01:11:17,753 --> 01:11:20,446 Hey, bellboy! 848 01:11:23,187 --> 01:11:26,277 Mr. Rush, I'm sorry I'm late. 849 01:11:26,353 --> 01:11:28,819 But l, I think you'll find I have everything you need. 850 01:11:28,887 --> 01:11:33,251 No problema, el bellboy. No problema. 851 01:11:33,319 --> 01:11:36,410 His name is Theodore. Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted. 852 01:11:36,486 --> 01:11:40,180 It's Ted, sir. So, Ted, the bellboy, 853 01:11:40,253 --> 01:11:43,015 would you care for some champagne as I was saying? 854 01:11:43,087 --> 01:11:45,110 All right, that wasn't what I was saying. 855 01:11:45,187 --> 01:11:47,675 But would you care for some champagne? Um, I'm on duty, sir. 856 01:11:47,753 --> 01:11:51,310 Duty, smooty, come on. It's like Cristal. It's the very best they make. 857 01:11:51,386 --> 01:11:55,478 I didn't like champagne 'tiI I had Cristal. Now I love it. 858 01:11:55,553 --> 01:11:57,576 Come on! lf I must, sir. 859 01:11:57,653 --> 01:12:00,448 Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin. Chin-chin. 860 01:12:00,520 --> 01:12:03,350 For our purposes, promptness is far behind thoroughness. 861 01:12:03,419 --> 01:12:06,647 Drink up, lad. 862 01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:08,743 What do you say? Ah, thank you, sir. 863 01:12:08,820 --> 01:12:11,615 No, not thank you. What do you say about the tasty beverage? 864 01:12:11,686 --> 01:12:13,675 Um, oh, it's very good. 865 01:12:13,753 --> 01:12:15,776 It's fucking good, Ted. Fucking good! 866 01:12:15,853 --> 01:12:17,842 Let's try it again, shall we? Got a light? 867 01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:20,249 Okay, so, Ted, what do you think about that tasty beverage? 868 01:12:20,319 --> 01:12:22,115 It's fucking good! 869 01:12:22,186 --> 01:12:25,619 It's fucking Cristal. Everything else is piss. 870 01:12:25,686 --> 01:12:27,982 Bellboy. Bellboy. Bellboy! 871 01:12:28,053 --> 01:12:31,314 Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up! You're makin' my friend Ted nervous. 872 01:12:31,386 --> 01:12:34,944 Chill out, dude. Pay no attention to Norman here. 873 01:12:35,020 --> 01:12:37,952 He's just-That's from Quadrophenia. He's just fuckin' with you. 874 01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:40,952 Now me, personally, when I think of bellboy, 875 01:12:41,020 --> 01:12:43,918 I think of The Bellboy with Jerry Lewis. 876 01:12:43,987 --> 01:12:47,680 Did you ever see that film, Ted? Um... no, sir. 877 01:12:47,753 --> 01:12:50,310 Oh, you should. It's one of Jerry's better movies. 878 01:12:50,386 --> 01:12:53,012 He doesn't say a word through the entire film. 879 01:12:53,087 --> 01:12:56,314 It's a completely silent performance. 880 01:12:56,386 --> 01:12:58,784 Now how many actors can pull that off? 881 01:12:58,853 --> 01:13:02,785 I gotta tell you, that guy, he's gotta go to France to get respect. 882 01:13:02,853 --> 01:13:04,842 That says it all about America right there. 883 01:13:04,920 --> 01:13:07,852 Just that one little sentence says it all about America right there. 884 01:13:07,920 --> 01:13:10,977 The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every newspaper in this fuckin' country... 885 01:13:11,053 --> 01:13:13,484 is gonna be writin' articles callin' the man a genius. 886 01:13:13,553 --> 01:13:16,519 It's not right. It's not right and it's not fuckin' fair! 887 01:13:16,586 --> 01:13:21,177 But why should that surprise anybody? When the hell has America ever been fair? 888 01:13:21,253 --> 01:13:25,583 We might be right every once in awhile, but we're very rarely fair. 889 01:13:29,720 --> 01:13:32,845 Oh. Um... where shall I put this, sir? 890 01:13:35,086 --> 01:13:37,245 You in a hurry there, Ted? 891 01:13:37,319 --> 01:13:41,843 Uh, well, um-- Not particularly. 892 01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:44,750 Good there! Okay, then gotta stop playin' ""Beat the Clock."" 893 01:13:44,820 --> 01:13:48,014 Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody. Now, see that girl over there? 894 01:13:48,086 --> 01:13:50,019 All right, that's our friend from downstairs. 895 01:13:50,086 --> 01:13:52,314 We just met her at the pool. You seem to be acquainted. 896 01:13:52,386 --> 01:13:54,944 Yeah, Theodore and I go way back, don't we, Theodore? 897 01:13:55,020 --> 01:13:57,315 Actually, the name's Ted, Angela. 898 01:13:57,386 --> 01:14:01,318 I only let people with loaded guns pointed at my head call me Theodore. 899 01:14:01,386 --> 01:14:04,250 The man sittin' in this chair with the Jim Beam in his hand, 900 01:14:04,319 --> 01:14:07,251 yellin' ""Bellboy"" at you is Norman. 901 01:14:07,319 --> 01:14:11,649 Norman, say hello to Ted. 902 01:14:11,720 --> 01:14:13,777 What's up, Ted? What's up, sir? 903 01:14:13,853 --> 01:14:17,751 And the sociable son ofa bitch in that room over there is Leo. 904 01:14:17,820 --> 01:14:20,650 And the person on the other end of the phone is his lovely wife Ellen. 905 01:14:20,720 --> 01:14:22,982 Leo! What? 906 01:14:23,052 --> 01:14:25,314 Say hello to Ted the bellboy. Hold on a second. What? 907 01:14:25,386 --> 01:14:29,409 Say hello to Ted the bellboy. Here. Come here. 908 01:14:29,486 --> 01:14:33,475 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo! 909 01:14:33,553 --> 01:14:36,314 Leo, that is Ted the bellboy. That's me. 910 01:14:36,386 --> 01:14:39,147 The bellboy we called about 20, 25 minutes ago. 911 01:14:39,219 --> 01:14:42,117 Oh, Ted the bellboy. Well, my goodness. 912 01:14:42,186 --> 01:14:45,482 Glad you could make it, chum. Glad I could be here. 913 01:14:45,553 --> 01:14:48,519 Ellen, what does punctuality have to do with love? 914 01:14:48,586 --> 01:14:51,450 Which brings me to me. Could you explain that to me, please? 915 01:14:51,520 --> 01:14:55,475 Chester Rush, Ted. Pleased to meet ya. 916 01:14:55,553 --> 01:14:58,485 I'm pleased to meet you, sir. Oh, Chester. 917 01:14:58,553 --> 01:15:01,075 Not ""sir."" Chester. 918 01:15:01,153 --> 01:15:04,085 Chester? Oh, Chester. 919 01:15:04,153 --> 01:15:07,017 Um, terribly sorry I haven't seen the movie yet, sir, but-- 920 01:15:07,086 --> 01:15:09,143 No worries. No worries at all. 921 01:15:09,219 --> 01:15:11,151 Don't worry. Don't be sorry about that. 922 01:15:11,219 --> 01:15:14,083 You know, it's just, that's why God invented video. No problem. 923 01:15:14,153 --> 01:15:16,483 You got a point, sir. But you know what? 924 01:15:16,553 --> 01:15:19,644 A lot of people did see it. Whole lot of motherfuckers saw that movie. 925 01:15:19,720 --> 01:15:21,652 Didn't they? Didn't they? A whole lot-- 926 01:15:21,720 --> 01:15:26,652 Lot of motherfuckers saw The Wacky Detective. 927 01:15:27,820 --> 01:15:30,650 The Wacky Detective, sir. 928 01:15:30,720 --> 01:15:32,981 Who drank out of this bottle last? Uh? 929 01:15:33,052 --> 01:15:35,280 I said, ""Who drank out of this bottle last?"" 930 01:15:35,353 --> 01:15:39,149 What the fuck's wrong? It's fuckin' flat, man. That's what's fuckin' wrong. 931 01:15:39,219 --> 01:15:43,311 Goddamn Cristal is fuckin' flat. There ain't a goddamn bubble left in the fuckin' bottle, man. 932 01:15:43,386 --> 01:15:46,614 Jesus Christ! What the fuck is goin' on here? Chill out, man. 933 01:15:46,686 --> 01:15:49,652 Who fuckin'-Who-Fuck-- Who didn't put the cork in the bottle? 934 01:15:49,720 --> 01:15:52,117 All right? Somebody! I didn't do this! 935 01:15:52,186 --> 01:15:54,175 I was drinkin' out of that other bottle there. 936 01:15:54,253 --> 01:15:56,412 Somebody didn't put the fuckin' cork in the bottle. Who didn't put it in? 937 01:15:56,486 --> 01:15:58,452 Chester, do you want me to open another bottle of champ-- Who didn't put it in? 938 01:15:58,520 --> 01:16:00,509 Do you want me to open another bottle of champagne? 939 01:16:00,586 --> 01:16:02,518 No, don't you fuckin' open another bottle! 940 01:16:02,586 --> 01:16:04,848 I-I-I got enough right here. Fucking shit, man. 941 01:16:04,920 --> 01:16:07,181 God, we've opened enough fucking bottles! 942 01:16:07,253 --> 01:16:09,685 Do you know how much this shit costs? No! You don't. Yes, I do. 943 01:16:09,753 --> 01:16:11,844 No! You don't! No! You don't! 944 01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:16,477 'Cause it's fucking free, man. It's just fucking free to you fucking assholes. 945 01:16:16,553 --> 01:16:19,246 Shit. I give and I give and I give and I give and I give. 946 01:16:19,319 --> 01:16:23,809 What was I talkin' about? 947 01:16:23,887 --> 01:16:26,977 Um, you were saying that The Wacky Detective... 948 01:16:27,052 --> 01:16:29,109 was a very popular movie. 949 01:16:29,186 --> 01:16:34,016 Yes, it was. And it was popular-- very, very popular-before video. 950 01:16:34,086 --> 01:16:38,416 It was popular before foreign! It was popular before p-pay TV. 951 01:16:38,486 --> 01:16:42,009 And before free TV. Before all that shit! 952 01:16:42,086 --> 01:16:45,143 The Wacky Detective was making-- Ellen, I'm sorry, okay? 953 01:16:45,219 --> 01:16:48,583 Leo! Leo. What was the final take on domestic? 954 01:16:48,653 --> 01:16:50,676 $72.1million. 955 01:16:50,753 --> 01:16:53,344 $72.1million. Ellen, I'm sorry. 956 01:16:53,419 --> 01:16:56,613 That's fucking asses in fucking seats. 957 01:16:56,686 --> 01:16:58,652 You know, it's not your fault. I mean, they hit you both barrels. 958 01:16:58,720 --> 01:17:01,311 But you know, fuck, you know, I just would like a little consideration. 959 01:17:01,386 --> 01:17:04,284 And my new one, The Dog Catcher, 960 01:17:04,353 --> 01:17:06,819 which, by the way, is testing right through the ceiling, 961 01:17:06,886 --> 01:17:09,943 all right, is projected to gross a hundred. 962 01:17:10,019 --> 01:17:14,281 The Dog Catcher. The Dog Catcher, Chester. 963 01:17:18,553 --> 01:17:21,246 Oh, thank you, sir. That's the good stuff. 964 01:17:21,319 --> 01:17:24,114 Now, take a look at some of these goodies you brought us, okay? 965 01:17:24,186 --> 01:17:28,642 Um, f-far be it-- Far be it for me, uh, Chester-- Uh-huh. 966 01:17:28,720 --> 01:17:31,743 But I was just wondering if you could tell me, what is all that stuff for? 967 01:17:31,820 --> 01:17:34,149 Hey, one thing at a time, man. I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny. 968 01:17:34,219 --> 01:17:36,811 So let's not jump ahead. Very good, sir. 969 01:17:36,886 --> 01:17:39,409 Norman, Norman, Norman, come on, come on. I think you might want to look at some of this shit. 970 01:17:39,486 --> 01:17:42,475 Hey, you damn skimpy. All right, men. 971 01:17:45,119 --> 01:17:48,108 All right, man. Tell it. 972 01:17:49,686 --> 01:17:52,481 A block of wood. 973 01:17:52,553 --> 01:17:55,212 Continue. 974 01:17:55,286 --> 01:17:57,809 Three nails. Why three nails? 975 01:17:57,886 --> 01:18:01,818 That's how many Peter Lorre asked for. Continue, Ted. 976 01:18:01,886 --> 01:18:04,114 A ball of twine. 977 01:18:04,186 --> 01:18:07,152 Well, that is definitely a ball of twine. Continue! 978 01:18:08,553 --> 01:18:11,212 A bucket... of ice. 979 01:18:11,286 --> 01:18:13,218 You into it? I'm into it. 980 01:18:13,286 --> 01:18:15,218 All right. Go on! 981 01:18:18,086 --> 01:18:20,450 A doughnut. That's for me. 982 01:18:24,119 --> 01:18:28,142 A club sandwich. That is mine. 983 01:18:30,253 --> 01:18:35,049 And... a hatchet! 984 01:18:35,119 --> 01:18:40,313 ""A hatchet as sharp as the devil himself,"" is what I asked for. 985 01:18:40,386 --> 01:18:43,284 Well, sir-Chester-- you be the judge. 986 01:18:43,353 --> 01:18:46,841 No, no, no, no, no. I'll be the judge. 987 01:18:46,919 --> 01:18:49,283 Careful, sir. What do you think? 988 01:18:49,353 --> 01:18:52,285 It's a sharp motherfucker. 989 01:18:52,353 --> 01:18:56,978 Forget the nails and the twine. Bring all this other bullshit over to the bar. Come on. 990 01:18:57,052 --> 01:18:59,882 Let's go. Pronto, man. You heard him, Ted. Go ahead. 991 01:18:59,952 --> 01:19:02,975 Right you are, sir. Norman? Yeah? 992 01:19:03,052 --> 01:19:06,814 Yes, it's my job. Yes, it's my fucking job. You know that. 993 01:19:06,886 --> 01:19:10,046 He wanted to stay out late. I can't-- I went to the Monkey Bar, all right? 994 01:19:10,119 --> 01:19:12,551 Don't yell-I'm not yelling! 995 01:19:12,620 --> 01:19:15,711 Hey! I'm not yellin'! You're the one that's fuckin' yellin'! 996 01:19:15,785 --> 01:19:20,843 Fuck-Don't hang up on me! Ellen, please don't hang up on me. Please don't hang up on me. 997 01:19:20,919 --> 01:19:23,385 Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God, if you hang up on me-- 998 01:19:23,453 --> 01:19:27,351 You cock-fucking New York bitch. Fuckin' call better be genuine, 'cause I'm gonna get a divorce! 999 01:19:27,419 --> 01:19:29,510 Yo, Leo? Fuck! 1000 01:19:29,586 --> 01:19:32,983 Another fucking Honeymooners goin' on in there. Fuckin', fuckin' shit, man! 1001 01:19:33,052 --> 01:19:36,984 What the fuck is wrong-What the fuck is wrong with the fuckin' bitch, man? 1002 01:19:37,052 --> 01:19:40,678 I'm gonna take the fuckin' car. I'm gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland. 1003 01:19:40,752 --> 01:19:45,117 I am gonna fuckin' drag her fuckin' ass and throw her down Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man! 1004 01:19:45,186 --> 01:19:49,016 You're still married, man? Yeah. I don't fucking know anymore. 1005 01:19:49,086 --> 01:19:51,813 I swear to Christ, Norman. I fuckin' swear to God, man. 1006 01:19:51,886 --> 01:19:54,943 What the fuck is wrong-- I treat this fuckin' bitch like a queen! You know that, man. 1007 01:19:55,019 --> 01:19:57,144 I know that. So I had a little fuckin' too much to drink! 1008 01:19:57,219 --> 01:20:00,674 It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home. 1009 01:20:00,752 --> 01:20:03,218 Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry. I'm fuckin' sorry about that. 1010 01:20:03,286 --> 01:20:06,843 What do you want me to do? Get in a fuckin' car, and go run over six or seven fuckin' kids? 1011 01:20:06,919 --> 01:20:09,147 That'd be real fuckin' nice. 1012 01:20:09,219 --> 01:20:13,208 Man, what the fuck is the matter with this bitch? 1013 01:20:13,286 --> 01:20:16,184 Fuck! 1014 01:20:16,253 --> 01:20:18,185 What the fuck is all this? 1015 01:20:18,253 --> 01:20:20,185 Block of wood, bucket of ice and a hatchet, sir. 1016 01:20:20,253 --> 01:20:22,980 Get the fuck outta here. Chester, talk to me. Norman? 1017 01:20:23,052 --> 01:20:26,212 We now return you to The Man From Rio already in progress. 1018 01:20:26,286 --> 01:20:28,218 Oh, my fucking dick is hard already. 1019 01:20:28,286 --> 01:20:30,275 Tell me, Norman, you're gonna do this shit! 1020 01:20:30,353 --> 01:20:33,649 I am gonna do it. Oh, you are my fuckin' hero. 1021 01:20:33,719 --> 01:20:36,185 They better, after talkin' about it all night. I wanna see a show. 1022 01:20:36,253 --> 01:20:38,549 Come here. Give me your motherfuckin'-- All right then. 1023 01:20:38,620 --> 01:20:41,177 Well, if that's everything. I got Cedars lined up, man. 1024 01:20:41,253 --> 01:20:43,481 I got a doctor waitin' in the fuckin' emergency. 1025 01:20:43,553 --> 01:20:47,383 Fuck the emergency, man. I'm gonna grab his motherfucking car from him. 1026 01:20:47,453 --> 01:20:50,044 Just in case. Hey, just in fucking case. 1027 01:20:50,119 --> 01:20:52,710 I'll just be off back downstairs, sir. Not so fast. 1028 01:20:52,785 --> 01:20:55,217 Fuckin' treat that bitch like a queen, man. We're gonna walk back... 1029 01:20:55,286 --> 01:20:57,275 to this little bar here. I told you to dump her, didn't l? 1030 01:20:57,353 --> 01:20:59,716 We're gonna sit down, 'cause we ain't quite through yet. 1031 01:20:59,785 --> 01:21:03,513 Leo. Sit on this little red stool. Sit down on this little red stool, 1032 01:21:03,586 --> 01:21:09,212 while I explain the festivities of the evening to you. 1033 01:21:09,286 --> 01:21:12,184 All right. Um, sir? 1034 01:21:12,253 --> 01:21:14,185 Uh-huh. A word in your ear, sir. 1035 01:21:14,253 --> 01:21:16,310 Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure. Excusez-moi. 1036 01:21:16,386 --> 01:21:19,375 I treat that bitch like a queen, man. Chester. 1037 01:21:19,453 --> 01:21:21,476 That shit don't help, treating a woman like a queen. 1038 01:21:21,553 --> 01:21:25,780 I'm fuckin' working. As long as you don't break up the furniture, 1039 01:21:25,852 --> 01:21:27,875 I don't give a fuck what you do. 1040 01:21:27,952 --> 01:21:29,884 Took all your money. Gonna take your kids and house. As far as I'm concerned, 1041 01:21:29,952 --> 01:21:32,941 go ahead, trash the place! 1042 01:21:33,019 --> 01:21:35,985 Oh, but, look, let me explain what we're talkin' about. 1043 01:21:36,052 --> 01:21:38,518 Sir, sir, you don't have to explain anything to me. 1044 01:21:38,586 --> 01:21:43,314 Whatever constitutes a good time, as far as you guys are concerned, that's your business. 1045 01:21:43,386 --> 01:21:47,875 Well, no, it's your business too, Ted, because we want you to take part. 1046 01:21:50,685 --> 01:21:54,448 Take part in what, sir? 1047 01:21:54,520 --> 01:21:58,350 Chester, your way of breakin' the news to him gently is scarin' the fuck outta him. 1048 01:21:58,419 --> 01:22:00,351 Think so? Just spit it out. 1049 01:22:00,419 --> 01:22:02,385 Okay, okay, here we go. Okay. 1050 01:22:02,453 --> 01:22:05,180 Thing is, Ted, first off, 1051 01:22:05,253 --> 01:22:08,048 there's nothing homosexual about what we want you to do. 1052 01:22:08,119 --> 01:22:10,142 I mean, I was thinkin' you might be thinkin'... 1053 01:22:10,219 --> 01:22:12,378 that we want you to do somethin' like weird sex thing, 1054 01:22:12,453 --> 01:22:14,941 you know, like, suck us off, pee on us, shit like that. 1055 01:22:15,019 --> 01:22:17,178 Nothing, nothing could be further from the truth. 1056 01:22:17,253 --> 01:22:19,810 Can I just jump in here for a second? No. No. 1057 01:22:19,886 --> 01:22:22,784 My kind of way of telling him is kind of going all around the world. 1058 01:22:22,852 --> 01:22:25,114 But it's the journey that's worth it. Yeah, well, I see that. 1059 01:22:25,186 --> 01:22:28,118 But he's been here for 15 minutes and you have, you know, talked about everything but-- 1060 01:22:28,186 --> 01:22:31,152 What do you care? Why don't you just shut the fuck up, bitch? 1061 01:22:31,219 --> 01:22:33,310 ""Bitch""? Bitch! 1062 01:22:33,386 --> 01:22:35,977 Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's being paid to suck his cock, cork boy? 1063 01:22:36,052 --> 01:22:39,882 Whoa! Cork boy, man! Business card! 1064 01:22:39,952 --> 01:22:42,713 I see a new business card. 1065 01:22:42,785 --> 01:22:45,013 Excuse me, if it please the court. 1066 01:22:45,086 --> 01:22:49,109 Allow me to present our intentions to Theodore. 1067 01:22:49,186 --> 01:22:53,050 I second the nomination. I move that nomination be closed! 1068 01:22:53,119 --> 01:22:55,051 Thank you. The court is yours, Leo. 1069 01:22:55,119 --> 01:22:57,210 Thank you very much, Chester. 1070 01:22:57,286 --> 01:23:02,014 Ted, you ever seen any of them old Alfred Hitchcock episodes? Yes, sir. 1071 01:23:02,086 --> 01:23:06,212 You ever see the one called The Man From Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen? 1072 01:23:06,286 --> 01:23:08,309 Uh-- Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it. 1073 01:23:08,386 --> 01:23:10,681 It's called The Man From Rio with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen. 1074 01:23:10,752 --> 01:23:13,980 Anyway, Peter Lorre makes a bet with Steve McQueen... 1075 01:23:14,052 --> 01:23:17,382 that Steve McQueen can't light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. 1076 01:23:17,453 --> 01:23:20,214 Now, if Steve McQueen lights his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, 1077 01:23:20,286 --> 01:23:22,218 he wins Peter Lorre's new car. 1078 01:23:22,286 --> 01:23:26,218 But if he does not light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row, 1079 01:23:26,286 --> 01:23:30,877 Peter Lorre gets to chop off Steve McQueen's little pinky. 1080 01:23:30,952 --> 01:23:35,112 Norman and Chester here just made that same bet. 1081 01:23:35,186 --> 01:23:38,346 Norman has bet his pinky... 1082 01:23:38,419 --> 01:23:42,475 that he can light his cigarette lighter ten times in a row. 1083 01:23:42,552 --> 01:23:44,484 lf he does, 1084 01:23:44,552 --> 01:23:48,882 he wins Chester's 1964 Chevy Chevelle... 1085 01:23:48,952 --> 01:23:51,884 red, fuckin', beautiful car. 1086 01:23:51,952 --> 01:23:56,850 lf he doesn't, chop off his fuckin' pinky. What do you say? 1087 01:24:03,619 --> 01:24:05,551 You guys are drunk. 1088 01:24:05,619 --> 01:24:08,449 Yes! Of course! Of course we're drunk! 1089 01:24:08,519 --> 01:24:10,451 Teddy, that's why we're here, but that does not mean... 1090 01:24:10,519 --> 01:24:12,678 that we don't know what the fuck we're talking about. 1091 01:24:12,752 --> 01:24:14,718 I'm gonna tell you what the fuck I'm talkin' about. 1092 01:24:14,785 --> 01:24:17,047 I'm gonna tell you what the fuck I'm talkin' about. 1093 01:24:17,119 --> 01:24:20,279 I drive a motherfucking Honda that my sister sold me. 1094 01:24:20,353 --> 01:24:25,512 You hear what I'm saying? A little white motherfuckin' Honda Civic! 1095 01:24:25,585 --> 01:24:27,813 You see this shit? 1096 01:24:27,886 --> 01:24:30,011 ""Hollywood's hottest new star-- That's me. 1097 01:24:30,086 --> 01:24:32,382 next to America's hottest old car. 1098 01:24:32,452 --> 01:24:34,884 That's the car I own. Are you listenin' to me? Are you? 1099 01:24:34,952 --> 01:24:39,180 Goddamn shit! Are you listening to me? 1100 01:24:39,253 --> 01:24:41,445 Now you take a good long look at that there machine... 1101 01:24:41,519 --> 01:24:44,111 that this motherfucker over here's standin' next to. 1102 01:24:44,186 --> 01:24:49,016 That's a 1964 nigger-red, ragtop Chevy Chevelle. 1103 01:24:49,086 --> 01:24:53,212 And I love that car more than I love hips, lips or fingertips. 1104 01:24:53,286 --> 01:24:58,014 Cut to: We're sittin' here celebratin', gettin' high, 1105 01:24:58,086 --> 01:25:00,382 drinking champagne-- Drinking Cristal. 1106 01:25:00,452 --> 01:25:02,782 When you're drinking champagne, you're drinking champagne. 1107 01:25:02,852 --> 01:25:05,375 When you're drinking Cristal, you say you're drinking Cristal. 1108 01:25:05,452 --> 01:25:08,646 Whatever that pissity-ass thing is, we are drinking it, you know. 1109 01:25:08,719 --> 01:25:10,708 And we are watching TV. 1110 01:25:10,785 --> 01:25:13,217 What, what? Hey, hey, hey. When all of a sudden, 1111 01:25:13,286 --> 01:25:17,116 we flip on Steve McQueen, Peter Lorre being fuckin' badasses. 1112 01:25:17,186 --> 01:25:19,118 Badass! Badasses! 1113 01:25:19,186 --> 01:25:21,981 And I look over at this funny-looking motherfucker over here, 1114 01:25:22,052 --> 01:25:25,950 and I say, ""l'd do that for the Chevelle."" 1115 01:25:26,019 --> 01:25:30,713 I'm funny. And that's when Chester says-- 1116 01:25:32,119 --> 01:25:35,516 ""Oh, really?"" 1117 01:25:38,452 --> 01:25:41,885 Well, you guys wouldn't be doing something this stupid unless you were really fucking drunk. 1118 01:25:41,952 --> 01:25:43,941 We already told you we were drunk, Ted. 1119 01:25:44,019 --> 01:25:45,985 That goes without motherfucking saying. 1120 01:25:46,052 --> 01:25:48,882 'Cause if we wasn't drunk, we'd probably chicken out. 1121 01:25:48,952 --> 01:25:51,543 When you're fucked up, you don't lie. 1122 01:25:51,619 --> 01:25:53,812 Man, you tell the fuckin' truth. 1123 01:25:53,886 --> 01:25:55,977 You want to know what the fuckin' truth is? 1124 01:25:56,052 --> 01:25:58,813 The fuckin' truth is, my lucky Zippo is gonna win me... 1125 01:25:58,886 --> 01:26:01,374 Chester's fucking car. 1126 01:26:01,452 --> 01:26:05,146 Which brings us to your part in this little wager, Ted. 1127 01:26:05,219 --> 01:26:07,117 I don't have a part, sir. 1128 01:26:11,052 --> 01:26:13,711 That's it. Like my old granddaddy used to always say, 1129 01:26:13,785 --> 01:26:15,808 ""The less a man makes declarative statements, 1130 01:26:15,886 --> 01:26:18,545 the less apt he is to look foolish in retrospect. 1131 01:26:18,619 --> 01:26:21,483 That's quite brilliant, sir. Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you. 1132 01:26:21,552 --> 01:26:24,144 Thing is, there are some inherent obstacles in this undertaking. 1133 01:26:24,219 --> 01:26:26,309 Aside from the obvious. 1134 01:26:26,385 --> 01:26:30,284 First of which is being the fact that I'm not like Peter Lorre on that TV show. 1135 01:26:30,352 --> 01:26:33,716 I'm not some sick fuck travelin' the countryside collecting fingers. 1136 01:26:33,785 --> 01:26:35,717 All right, you know, we're all buddies here. 1137 01:26:35,785 --> 01:26:39,342 No one wants Norman to lose his finger. We just want to chop it off. 1138 01:26:39,418 --> 01:26:41,384 You know, if fate doesn't smile on old Norman, 1139 01:26:41,452 --> 01:26:44,146 we'll put that fucker on ice, whisk it right to the hospital, 1140 01:26:44,219 --> 01:26:46,548 where in all likelihood they'll be able to sew it right back on. 1141 01:26:46,619 --> 01:26:48,847 Well, hopefully, sir. 1142 01:26:48,919 --> 01:26:51,612 Yeah, well, they sewed that guy's dick back on. They can sew Norman's pinky back on. 1143 01:26:51,685 --> 01:26:54,015 Yeah, how hard can it be? Yeah, good point. 1144 01:26:54,086 --> 01:26:56,517 So, Norman, he's, he's taken care of, you know. 1145 01:26:56,585 --> 01:26:59,051 His interests have been looked after. 1146 01:26:59,119 --> 01:27:02,812 My interests, on the other hand, have not. 1147 01:27:02,886 --> 01:27:07,511 I am as emotionally attached to my car as Norman is physically to his finger. 1148 01:27:07,585 --> 01:27:11,143 That's a very fuckin' piece ofexpensive machinery I'm putting on this wager. 1149 01:27:11,219 --> 01:27:13,776 And, you know, if I lose, I lose. That's fine. That's no problem. 1150 01:27:13,852 --> 01:27:17,182 I have no problem with that. I'm a big boy. I knew exactly what the hell I was doing. 1151 01:27:17,253 --> 01:27:21,446 But if I win, I wanna win. All right? 1152 01:27:21,519 --> 01:27:25,849 lf Norman lights his cigarette lighter ten times in a fuckin' row, 1153 01:27:25,919 --> 01:27:29,715 he's gonna have no emotional problems whatsoever about taking my car keys. 1154 01:27:29,785 --> 01:27:34,649 But if I win, 1155 01:27:34,719 --> 01:27:39,549 well, it's not inconceivable that at the last minute... 1156 01:27:39,619 --> 01:27:42,608 maybe neither Leo or l... 1157 01:27:42,685 --> 01:27:46,049 will be able to... wield the axe. 1158 01:27:46,119 --> 01:27:49,278 A hatchet, sir. Wield the hatchet. 1159 01:27:49,352 --> 01:27:52,546 Which brings us full circle to you, Ted. 1160 01:27:52,619 --> 01:27:56,483 Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted. 1161 01:27:56,552 --> 01:27:58,780 Complete-stranger Ted. 1162 01:27:58,852 --> 01:28:01,114 lmpartial Ted. 1163 01:28:01,186 --> 01:28:05,550 Just-met-us-and-couldn't- give-a-fuck-about-us Ted. 1164 01:28:05,619 --> 01:28:10,381 We want you to be the dice man. 1165 01:28:12,552 --> 01:28:15,450 Hell of a night, huh, Ted? 1166 01:28:18,452 --> 01:28:20,384 l've got to get out of here. 1167 01:28:21,385 --> 01:28:23,715 Money! 1168 01:28:27,552 --> 01:28:31,678 Ted, I got a $100 bill here with your name on it, 1169 01:28:31,752 --> 01:28:34,650 whether you do what we ask or not. 1170 01:28:34,719 --> 01:28:37,685 Just to sit back down in that chair for one minute more. 1171 01:28:37,752 --> 01:28:41,650 I am not gonna cut off Norman's little pinky! 1172 01:28:41,719 --> 01:28:43,651 Well, maybe you will and maybe you won't. 1173 01:28:43,719 --> 01:28:46,083 But that has nothin' to do with this $100 bill in my hand. 1174 01:28:46,153 --> 01:28:49,448 ln fact, you can tell us all to go fuck off and walk right out that goddamn door. 1175 01:28:49,519 --> 01:28:51,576 But if you wait 60 seconds before you do it, 1176 01:28:51,652 --> 01:28:55,141 you're gonna be $100 richer. 1177 01:28:55,218 --> 01:28:57,343 Ted, you're gonna do whatever you wanna do. 1178 01:28:57,418 --> 01:29:00,907 All we're askin' is that you indulge us for one minute more. 1179 01:29:00,986 --> 01:29:03,747 My friend Chester here is willing to pay you for that minute. 1180 01:29:03,819 --> 01:29:07,478 Ted, take the money. 1181 01:29:13,752 --> 01:29:16,616 Now, let me get this straight. 1182 01:29:16,685 --> 01:29:19,412 I sit on that stool, listen to what you have to say for 60 seconds, 1183 01:29:19,485 --> 01:29:22,451 and I get $100? Correct. 1184 01:29:22,519 --> 01:29:25,849 And afterwards I can walk out that door, no hard feelings? 1185 01:29:25,919 --> 01:29:27,851 None whatsoever. 1186 01:29:30,385 --> 01:29:32,317 You got a deal. 1187 01:29:32,385 --> 01:29:35,818 Yes! Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,! 1188 01:29:35,886 --> 01:29:37,818 Ted, good answer. Sit right down. 1189 01:29:37,886 --> 01:29:41,818 All right. Leo, you be the timekeeper. 1190 01:29:41,886 --> 01:29:44,852 Norman, give me your watch. 1191 01:29:44,919 --> 01:29:49,681 Let me know when a minute ends and when it begins. 1192 01:29:49,752 --> 01:29:51,775 You got it. Ah. 1193 01:29:51,852 --> 01:29:54,317 Okay. Gentlemen, start your engines. 1194 01:30:01,752 --> 01:30:04,183 Begin. Okay, Ted, pay attention here. 1195 01:30:04,252 --> 01:30:07,014 I'm gonna make two piles here on the bar. One pile which is yours. 1196 01:30:07,086 --> 01:30:09,517 And another pile which could be yours. 1197 01:30:09,585 --> 01:30:12,176 And what you have to realize is we're gonna do this thing... 1198 01:30:12,252 --> 01:30:16,309 one way or the other. 1199 01:30:16,385 --> 01:30:20,442 Whether it's you who holds the axe or a Mexican maid... 1200 01:30:20,519 --> 01:30:23,314 or some bum we yank off the street. 1201 01:30:23,385 --> 01:30:26,283 You can buy a whole lot of soup with that pile. Shh! I'm the closer here. 1202 01:30:26,352 --> 01:30:28,648 All right. I'm a little me-- Um, l've lost count. 1203 01:30:28,719 --> 01:30:30,947 How much is on the bar here? Six hundred. 1204 01:30:31,019 --> 01:30:36,110 Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes the average American to count to 600? 1205 01:30:36,185 --> 01:30:40,311 It's a rhetorical question, Ted. No, sir. 1206 01:30:40,385 --> 01:30:43,647 About one minute less than it takes to count to 700. 1207 01:30:43,719 --> 01:30:47,173 Now, Ted, a person's life is filled with a zillion little experiences. 1208 01:30:47,252 --> 01:30:50,776 Some which are insignificant, have no meaning, and, you know, you forget them. 1209 01:30:50,852 --> 01:30:55,181 Others which you remember for the rest of your natural life. 1210 01:30:55,252 --> 01:30:59,947 Now, since what we're proposing here is so unusual, 1211 01:31:00,019 --> 01:31:03,109 so outside the norm, 1212 01:31:03,185 --> 01:31:07,447 that this is a good bet that this is going to be one of those incidents that sticks. 1213 01:31:07,519 --> 01:31:11,451 So, since you're gonna be stuck remembering this for the rest of your life, 1214 01:31:11,519 --> 01:31:14,815 you have to decide what that memory will be. 1215 01:31:14,886 --> 01:31:18,340 So, Ted, are you going to remember for the next 40 years, 1216 01:31:18,418 --> 01:31:20,407 give or take a decade, 1217 01:31:20,485 --> 01:31:24,815 that you refused $1,000 for one second's worth of work? 1218 01:31:24,886 --> 01:31:30,409 Or that you made $1,000 for one second's worth of work? 1219 01:31:30,485 --> 01:31:32,417 Time! 1220 01:31:32,485 --> 01:31:35,849 So, Ted, what's it gonna be? 1221 01:31:35,919 --> 01:31:38,612 Okay. Yes! 1222 01:31:38,685 --> 01:31:40,776 Always be closing! 1223 01:31:40,852 --> 01:31:43,818 Whoo! Right here, right now! Before I change my mind! 1224 01:31:43,886 --> 01:31:46,511 Hear, hear. Go. Let's go. 1225 01:31:46,585 --> 01:31:50,244 Get this shit over and done with. Ahh! 1226 01:31:50,318 --> 01:31:53,580 Perfect, perfect, perfect. This is one of those moments in time... 1227 01:31:53,652 --> 01:31:56,846 none of us are ever gonna forget. 1228 01:31:56,919 --> 01:32:00,112 Norman, are you ready? I'm ready. 1229 01:32:00,185 --> 01:32:03,948 Ted, are you ready? Ready. 1230 01:32:04,018 --> 01:32:06,984 Okeydokey. Norman... 1231 01:32:08,185 --> 01:32:10,117 begin. 1232 01:32:10,719 --> 01:32:13,980 Aaah! 1233 01:32:14,051 --> 01:32:16,176 My finger! My fuckin' finger! 1234 01:32:16,252 --> 01:32:18,184 Chester, my fuckin' finger, man! 1235 01:32:18,252 --> 01:32:20,184 He cut off my fuckin' finger! 1236 01:32:20,252 --> 01:32:22,979 Oh! It hurts! 1237 01:32:25,051 --> 01:32:28,245 My fuckin' finger, Chester! He cut off my fuckin' finger! 1238 01:32:28,318 --> 01:32:32,512 Aaah! Oh, Leo! 1239 01:32:39,685 --> 01:32:41,674 Call Cedars, man! Call fuckin' Cedars! 1240 01:32:41,752 --> 01:32:44,149 Wrap it up! Wrap it up! 1241 01:32:44,218 --> 01:32:47,742 Uh, yes, hi. Could I talk to Don Levine, please? 1242 01:32:47,819 --> 01:32:52,513 Why'd you let me do this? Why'd you let me do this? 1243 01:32:55,819 --> 01:32:58,478 What? What do you mean he's in surgery? 1244 01:32:58,552 --> 01:33:01,177 He was expecting my call. He was supposed to be there. 1245 01:33:01,252 --> 01:33:05,344 What? Who the fuck has plastic surgery at 6:30 in the morning on New Year's Eve? 1246 01:33:09,719 --> 01:33:14,651 Leo! Leo! I need you to stand still! I'll be right back! Hold it! 1247 01:33:14,719 --> 01:33:17,912 Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! All right! 1248 01:33:17,985 --> 01:33:20,508 Oh! Leo! 1249 01:33:23,185 --> 01:33:25,151 I forgot the finger! I gotta get the-- 1250 01:33:25,218 --> 01:33:27,184 It's the finger! 1251 01:33:33,152 --> 01:33:35,812 I got the finger! I got it! I got it! 1252 01:33:39,152 --> 01:33:41,414 Here! I got the finger right here! You're on it! 1253 01:33:41,485 --> 01:33:44,280 Come on, come on! The fuckin' door's closin'! 1254 01:33:44,352 --> 01:33:46,841 Here. Just put some fuckin' ice in it. 1255 01:33:46,918 --> 01:33:48,851 All right, let's go. Let's go! Let's go! 1256 01:33:48,918 --> 01:33:50,851 Let's go! Come on! Get up, get up! 1257 01:33:50,918 --> 01:33:52,975 I'm gonna go back to my room. Are you comin' or not? 1258 01:33:53,051 --> 01:33:54,983 No, it's been fun. I'll see ya. Oh! 1259 01:33:55,051 --> 01:33:56,983 Close the fuckin' door! 98390

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