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1
00:00:01,324 --> 00:00:06,779
Should auld acquaintance be forgot
2
00:00:06,857 --> 00:00:12,119
And never brought
to mind
3
00:00:12,191 --> 00:00:17,089
-Should auld acquaintance--
We used to
have 50 on staff here. Fifty.
4
00:00:17,158 --> 00:00:19,147
I'm the only one left.
5
00:00:19,224 --> 00:00:21,485
All comes down
to one schmuck:
6
00:00:21,557 --> 00:00:24,853
me, the night shift bellhop.
7
00:00:24,924 --> 00:00:30,118
What the hell is that?
A bellhop? Huh? What is he?
8
00:00:30,191 --> 00:00:32,656
Y-You know where
the name comes from?
9
00:00:32,724 --> 00:00:36,884
Huh?
It's so simple, it's stupid.
10
00:00:36,957 --> 00:00:39,479
Some schmuck rings a bell
and ya hop.
11
00:00:39,557 --> 00:00:41,819
Ya hop front and center.
12
00:00:41,891 --> 00:00:43,948
Did you ever meet
any of the old stars, then?
13
00:00:44,024 --> 00:00:49,116
What, are you kiddin'? I took Rin Tin
Tin out for a shit, for Christ's sakes.
14
00:00:49,191 --> 00:00:51,986
Ah, hey, you talk
about stars, uh--
15
00:00:52,057 --> 00:00:54,682
Hey, kid,
16
00:00:54,757 --> 00:00:56,689
put this on.
17
00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,723
Put it on. Put it on. Go ahead.
Come on, come on, come on.
18
00:00:59,790 --> 00:01:02,483
Let me see. Let me see.
19
00:01:02,557 --> 00:01:06,354
You know, and to think that I wore
that stupid thing for 50 years.
20
00:01:06,424 --> 00:01:10,379
To think
I did that. Ah, shit, yeah.
21
00:01:10,457 --> 00:01:13,390
Yeah, well--
Well, kid,
22
00:01:13,457 --> 00:01:15,480
I'm gettin'
my ass outta here.
23
00:01:17,391 --> 00:01:19,720
Yep.
24
00:01:19,790 --> 00:01:22,449
Yep, kid,
25
00:01:22,524 --> 00:01:24,820
gotta go.
26
00:01:24,891 --> 00:01:27,357
Listen, kid,
27
00:01:27,423 --> 00:01:29,787
stay clear of...
28
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:34,347
night clerks, kids,
hookers and married arguments.
29
00:01:34,423 --> 00:01:37,185
Come on, stand up. Come on.
I wanna say good-bye.
30
00:01:37,258 --> 00:01:39,224
Now, uh--
31
00:01:39,291 --> 00:01:41,518
Let me see.
You-You wanna get a tip?
32
00:01:41,590 --> 00:01:47,114
Hold your hand out.
That's right. Now, uh, smile.
33
00:01:47,191 --> 00:01:49,884
Give me a smile. Give me
a smile. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
34
00:01:49,957 --> 00:01:51,980
Now, if the cocksucker
doesn't pay ya,
35
00:01:52,057 --> 00:01:55,182
you say to yourself, uh,
""Fuck you, Jack.""
36
00:01:55,258 --> 00:01:58,690
You know what I mean?
You never miss.
37
00:01:58,757 --> 00:02:01,121
Tell you something else:
38
00:02:01,191 --> 00:02:03,850
Keep your cock in your pants.
39
00:06:27,423 --> 00:06:29,446
May I help you?
40
00:06:29,524 --> 00:06:31,285
I have a reservation.
41
00:06:34,757 --> 00:06:36,689
ln the honeymoon suite.
42
00:06:49,423 --> 00:06:52,116
Kiva.
Wait up.
43
00:06:53,390 --> 00:06:55,618
What'd I tell you
about smoking?
44
00:06:55,690 --> 00:06:58,485
You smoke.
That's right, I do, and I'm addicted.
45
00:06:58,557 --> 00:07:01,546
So, welcome to this week's edition
of ""Who is a Hypocrite?""
46
00:07:01,624 --> 00:07:04,317
This is my first guest.
That's enough, Kiva.
47
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:06,549
You're not my mother.
Yes, I am.
48
00:07:06,624 --> 00:07:09,522
Then why are we
sleeping together?
49
00:07:11,057 --> 00:07:13,284
Ahh.
50
00:07:13,357 --> 00:07:15,289
Mmm.
51
00:07:17,190 --> 00:07:19,452
Yes.
52
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:56,284
Thank you.
53
00:07:56,357 --> 00:07:59,482
Oh, you little stinker
54
00:07:59,557 --> 00:08:02,546
Oh, you sweet
little muffin
55
00:08:02,624 --> 00:08:05,613
Yes, Mama loves
the baby.
56
00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:14,122
Hello.
57
00:08:14,190 --> 00:08:16,554
I'm lookin' for the room
for makin' love.
58
00:08:16,624 --> 00:08:19,351
Oh, right. You must mean
the honeymoon suite.
59
00:08:19,423 --> 00:08:23,116
Well, it's straight
that way. Can't miss it.
Uh-huh. I know where it is.
60
00:08:23,190 --> 00:08:27,452
I just wanted you to know
that I know where I'm goin',
so you needn't bother with me.
61
00:08:27,524 --> 00:08:30,820
Well, no problem.
Where's your luggage?
62
00:08:30,891 --> 00:08:33,880
I travel light.
63
00:08:48,390 --> 00:08:52,482
Tell me, how long have
the others been here?
64
00:08:52,557 --> 00:08:54,546
About an hour.
65
00:08:54,624 --> 00:08:56,556
One hour.
66
00:09:18,056 --> 00:09:21,045
You're very late, Eva.
67
00:09:21,123 --> 00:09:24,987
I'm sorry, Athena. I was attending a
birth. The placenta was late in coming.
68
00:09:25,056 --> 00:09:28,819
Which birth is more important
to you, Eva: that of a mortal,
69
00:09:28,891 --> 00:09:30,981
or that of a goddess?
70
00:09:31,056 --> 00:09:33,022
Will there be
anything else, ladies?
71
00:09:33,090 --> 00:09:36,523
Wait.
We do need some things.
72
00:09:36,590 --> 00:09:40,613
We need... fresh rosemary
from the kitchen.
73
00:09:40,690 --> 00:09:42,622
Mostly what we need
is from the kitchen.
74
00:09:42,690 --> 00:09:45,713
Hey. Are you listening?
75
00:09:45,790 --> 00:09:47,722
Rosemary.
76
00:09:47,790 --> 00:09:50,051
We need sea salt,
a little bit of sea salt.
77
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:52,146
Or kosher salt,
if you have no sea salt.
78
00:09:52,223 --> 00:09:55,519
A bottle of spring water--
French, not that ltalian shit.
79
00:09:55,590 --> 00:09:59,181
Um, yes, and could I have
some French fries?
Shut up, Kiva.
80
00:09:59,257 --> 00:10:02,382
Some ginger
and some raw meat.
81
00:10:02,457 --> 00:10:07,389
Liver, if you have it.
I want fries, you stupid jerks
with your dumb fucking ritual.
82
00:10:07,457 --> 00:10:09,514
Shut up, you little shit!
83
00:10:09,590 --> 00:10:11,556
Hey.
84
00:10:11,624 --> 00:10:15,317
Don't talk to her that way.
Uh,
85
00:10:15,390 --> 00:10:17,981
if there's nothing else--
86
00:10:23,890 --> 00:10:26,322
Thank you.
87
00:10:50,023 --> 00:10:52,546
We're communing here
on New Year's Eve...
88
00:10:52,624 --> 00:10:55,851
to bring to life
the great goddess Diana,
89
00:10:55,923 --> 00:10:58,719
who was turned into stone
in this very room...
90
00:10:58,790 --> 00:11:01,585
40 years ago today.
91
00:11:09,990 --> 00:11:14,218
Diana, O Great Beautiful One,
92
00:11:14,290 --> 00:11:16,654
we make
these offerings to you...
93
00:11:16,724 --> 00:11:20,747
so that we may undo the wicked spell
which deprived you...
94
00:11:20,823 --> 00:11:22,982
of the seed of your lover...
95
00:11:24,524 --> 00:11:26,581
of your virginal blood...
96
00:11:28,357 --> 00:11:30,289
of your very life.
97
00:11:32,490 --> 00:11:35,251
We now form the symbolic rock...
98
00:11:35,323 --> 00:11:37,755
with our bodies.
99
00:12:35,123 --> 00:12:37,782
On this night,
in this hour,
100
00:12:37,856 --> 00:12:40,947
we call upon
the ancient power.
101
00:12:41,023 --> 00:12:43,080
O Goddess Bride,
102
00:12:43,157 --> 00:12:45,089
we offer thee...
103
00:12:45,157 --> 00:12:48,919
milk from a mother's
sweet titty.
104
00:12:52,157 --> 00:12:55,590
To reverse this evil
which has been done,
105
00:12:55,657 --> 00:12:58,316
I make this offering...
106
00:12:58,390 --> 00:13:00,583
to the Divine One.
107
00:13:00,657 --> 00:13:02,714
A whore not,
108
00:13:02,789 --> 00:13:04,721
an innocent was,
109
00:13:04,789 --> 00:13:08,153
for whom I seized
a virgin's blood.
110
00:13:11,357 --> 00:13:14,380
Goddess of Light,
Goddess of Lust,
111
00:13:14,457 --> 00:13:17,446
to undo this awful spell
is a real must.
112
00:13:17,524 --> 00:13:20,956
To bring you life
and get you high,
113
00:13:21,023 --> 00:13:24,921
I offer the sweat
of five men's thighs.
114
00:13:27,023 --> 00:13:29,421
O Diana,
O Great One,
115
00:13:29,490 --> 00:13:31,615
we live without sun...
116
00:13:31,689 --> 00:13:33,985
until this wicked curse
is undone.
117
00:13:34,056 --> 00:13:36,249
ln hope that you appear,
118
00:13:36,323 --> 00:13:38,720
I have collected
a year's worth of tears.
119
00:13:42,023 --> 00:13:45,319
Goddess Diana,
fail you, I will.
120
00:13:45,390 --> 00:13:48,550
I was to bring you
fresh sperm from my Bill.
121
00:13:48,624 --> 00:13:51,714
I had him erect,
and his semen would follow,
122
00:13:51,789 --> 00:13:53,721
but alas, I was hot,
123
00:13:53,789 --> 00:13:55,812
so hot that I swallowed.
124
00:14:01,557 --> 00:14:03,988
You stupid witch!
125
00:14:04,056 --> 00:14:07,783
You swallowed the sperm? You did?
Why didn't you use your hands?
126
00:14:07,856 --> 00:14:12,050
Well, it just goes to show you what an
amazing lack of control you have, Eva.
127
00:14:12,123 --> 00:14:15,248
Didn't
your mama teach you not to put
them things in your mouth?
128
00:14:15,323 --> 00:14:18,312
I understand, though.
Eva,
129
00:14:18,390 --> 00:14:21,913
you got one hour
to find me some sperm,
130
00:14:21,990 --> 00:14:24,616
one hour to show me...
131
00:14:24,689 --> 00:14:26,917
what kind of witch
you can be.
132
00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:28,922
You hear me?
Uh-huh.
133
00:14:28,990 --> 00:14:32,423
Ted, the bellhop.
134
00:14:32,490 --> 00:14:34,456
Mr. Bellboy,
135
00:14:34,524 --> 00:14:36,819
come right in.
136
00:14:46,123 --> 00:14:48,055
Okay, mister.
137
00:14:49,524 --> 00:14:51,648
Here is your $50 tip,
138
00:14:51,723 --> 00:14:55,212
only you have to do
one more thing.
139
00:14:55,290 --> 00:14:57,449
You have to make
our little Eva smile.
140
00:14:57,524 --> 00:14:59,614
We'll leave you alone.
141
00:15:12,490 --> 00:15:14,422
Don't use your mouth.
142
00:15:34,524 --> 00:15:36,456
Oh.
143
00:15:55,357 --> 00:15:58,482
Help me out here.
l've got to earn this 50 bucks.
144
00:15:58,556 --> 00:16:01,886
Look, they don't care
if I smile or not.
145
00:16:01,956 --> 00:16:03,888
They just want--
146
00:16:05,323 --> 00:16:07,255
You wouldn't understand.
147
00:16:08,357 --> 00:16:10,289
Try me.
148
00:16:10,357 --> 00:16:12,482
l've been around
a bit, you know.
149
00:16:13,956 --> 00:16:16,649
Well,
150
00:16:16,723 --> 00:16:18,655
the five of us--
151
00:16:18,723 --> 00:16:23,452
Athena, Jezebel, Raven,
Elspeth and me-are a coven.
152
00:16:23,523 --> 00:16:26,546
Like a coven of witches.
Yes.
153
00:16:26,623 --> 00:16:29,317
Oh.
You see,
154
00:16:29,390 --> 00:16:32,413
for 40 years
we've been trying to...
155
00:16:32,490 --> 00:16:36,422
reverse an evil spell
that was placed on our goddess Diana.
156
00:16:36,490 --> 00:16:38,479
She was a beautiful virgin,
157
00:16:38,556 --> 00:16:42,250
an entertainer by trade
but a great sorceress by design.
158
00:16:43,890 --> 00:16:47,482
It was here in this very room
on her wedding night...
159
00:16:47,556 --> 00:16:50,284
that a jealous rival
placed this curse on Diana.
160
00:16:50,357 --> 00:16:53,255
Her husband was turned
into a pink fish,
161
00:16:53,323 --> 00:16:56,550
while our dear goddess...
162
00:16:58,323 --> 00:17:01,153
a stone
in her honeymoon bed.
163
00:17:03,323 --> 00:17:05,584
This was Diana.
164
00:17:10,023 --> 00:17:13,046
She's the blonde.
Ah. Right.
165
00:17:19,890 --> 00:17:22,152
Hmm.
166
00:17:22,223 --> 00:17:24,246
Well.
167
00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:28,480
Ooh.
168
00:17:31,190 --> 00:17:34,986
Say.
169
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,689
Oh.
170
00:17:49,589 --> 00:17:51,521
Well.
171
00:17:51,589 --> 00:17:53,521
Hate to tell you this,
but, uh,
172
00:17:53,589 --> 00:17:55,714
I kinda doubt
she was a virgin.
173
00:17:55,789 --> 00:17:58,415
She had lovers,
but she saved that for marriage.
174
00:17:58,489 --> 00:18:02,217
lf she doesn't get his goop
in ten minutes, I'm gonna go
in there and get it myself.
175
00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:05,414
That'd be a first for you.
176
00:18:09,656 --> 00:18:12,884
You mean, you were
supposed to bring, uh--
177
00:18:14,223 --> 00:18:17,882
And you--
178
00:18:17,956 --> 00:18:20,751
Eewhh.
179
00:18:20,823 --> 00:18:23,255
And now...
180
00:18:23,323 --> 00:18:25,447
you're my last chance.
181
00:18:27,556 --> 00:18:29,488
W-Whoa.
182
00:18:30,656 --> 00:18:32,815
Uh-uh.
183
00:18:32,890 --> 00:18:34,856
No way.
184
00:18:34,923 --> 00:18:36,855
Nope.
185
00:18:37,923 --> 00:18:39,980
Besides,
186
00:18:40,056 --> 00:18:42,851
it's against hotel policy.
187
00:18:42,923 --> 00:18:44,980
I was warned.
188
00:18:45,056 --> 00:18:48,250
""No sex with the clientele.""
189
00:19:02,257 --> 00:19:04,223
Oh.
190
00:19:08,023 --> 00:19:10,818
See, what I really
wanna do is be a midwife.
191
00:19:10,890 --> 00:19:12,822
l've attended
four births already.
192
00:19:12,890 --> 00:19:15,288
I can prevent vaginal tears
and everything.
193
00:19:15,356 --> 00:19:18,255
Really? That's good.
194
00:19:18,323 --> 00:19:21,777
Yes. A fella doesn't like
too many surprises down there.
195
00:19:21,856 --> 00:19:25,788
I joined the coven to obtain greater
understanding of my feminine powers.
196
00:19:25,856 --> 00:19:27,913
Oh, really?
197
00:19:27,990 --> 00:19:31,013
Seems to be working.
You really think so?
198
00:19:31,090 --> 00:19:33,351
Oh. Yeah.
199
00:19:36,422 --> 00:19:38,615
Oh, God.
200
00:19:38,689 --> 00:19:40,951
Betty's gonna kill me.
201
00:19:42,023 --> 00:19:43,955
Who's Betty?
202
00:19:44,023 --> 00:19:46,614
The boss.
Oh, good.
203
00:19:46,689 --> 00:19:48,621
Oh, God.
204
00:20:13,489 --> 00:20:15,682
My number in Topanga.
205
00:20:15,756 --> 00:20:17,688
Call me?
206
00:20:17,756 --> 00:20:20,188
Sure, baby. I'll call you.
207
00:20:50,190 --> 00:20:53,781
What's that used for?
This is, um-It's a birch branch.
208
00:20:53,856 --> 00:20:56,186
It symbolizes eternal life.
209
00:20:57,356 --> 00:21:00,982
I'm a woman now.
Marvelous.
210
00:21:01,056 --> 00:21:04,113
I use this bark for a tea
which assists in astral travel.
211
00:21:04,190 --> 00:21:06,655
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I wanna be a witch.
212
00:21:06,723 --> 00:21:08,985
Great.
Okay.
You are.
213
00:21:09,056 --> 00:21:11,351
We did it right there
in the big cauldron.
214
00:21:12,856 --> 00:21:16,288
Great. Great.
215
00:21:16,356 --> 00:21:18,288
Athena.
216
00:21:22,190 --> 00:21:25,349
Goddess Diana,
I offer to you...
217
00:21:25,422 --> 00:21:28,116
the jism of the one
I wooed for you,
218
00:21:28,190 --> 00:21:31,280
so you may live
and know such bliss...
219
00:21:31,356 --> 00:21:33,948
as getting laid
by a guy like this.
220
00:21:42,856 --> 00:21:44,913
So mote it be.
221
00:21:44,990 --> 00:21:49,184
Three times three times three.
222
00:21:51,356 --> 00:21:53,322
Ah.
223
00:22:31,990 --> 00:22:34,615
Just a minute! Yeah!
224
00:22:34,689 --> 00:22:37,951
Room service.
Wait. W-W-What room is this?
225
00:22:38,023 --> 00:22:40,511
This is the front desk, sir.
226
00:22:40,589 --> 00:22:43,419
W-What room we in?
I don't know, man. I just got here.
227
00:22:43,489 --> 00:22:46,580
404. It's room 404,
I think.
228
00:22:46,656 --> 00:22:51,281
Look, I thought we were
on the fifth floor.
All right! 409. Yeah.
229
00:22:51,356 --> 00:22:53,322
Hmm, sir?
230
00:22:53,389 --> 00:22:55,821
Hey, is he
talkin' to me?
231
00:22:55,890 --> 00:22:59,118
Look, 404. We're in room 404.
Yeah.
232
00:22:59,189 --> 00:23:01,951
What do you need, sir?
What do we need? What do we need?
233
00:23:02,023 --> 00:23:04,114
lce. lce.
lce.
234
00:23:04,189 --> 00:23:06,849
lce?
lce. Yeah, ice!
235
00:23:06,923 --> 00:23:09,946
Right, sir.
404, sir. lce, sir.
236
00:23:10,023 --> 00:23:12,284
I'll be with you momentarily.
237
00:23:13,356 --> 00:23:16,447
Ooh. Disco.
238
00:23:43,856 --> 00:23:45,913
Hello.
239
00:23:51,489 --> 00:23:53,478
Anybody there?
240
00:23:53,556 --> 00:23:57,079
What'd you expect, Theodore,
241
00:23:57,156 --> 00:23:59,247
a fuckin' floor show?
242
00:23:59,322 --> 00:24:02,117
Aah!
243
00:24:06,256 --> 00:24:08,654
Um,
244
00:24:08,723 --> 00:24:10,689
is this room 404?
245
00:24:13,456 --> 00:24:17,252
Obviously l've come
at a very bad time.
246
00:24:17,322 --> 00:24:21,516
Let's not beleaguer the fact
that you have no sense of timing.
247
00:24:22,589 --> 00:24:26,521
The fact is, you're here,
248
00:24:26,589 --> 00:24:28,555
and I couldn't think
of a better time for you...
249
00:24:28,623 --> 00:24:31,919
to introduce me to your beau
than on New Year's Eve.
250
00:24:31,990 --> 00:24:35,649
There's obviously been
a big mistake.
251
00:24:37,556 --> 00:24:40,522
My name is Theodore. Yes.
252
00:24:40,589 --> 00:24:43,555
I'm the bellhop.
253
00:25:11,456 --> 00:25:14,513
Yoo-hoo. Lover boy.
254
00:25:14,589 --> 00:25:16,851
Let's cut to the chase,
okay?
255
00:25:22,789 --> 00:25:25,846
ls this about another man
or something?
256
00:25:25,923 --> 00:25:29,753
Let's get our ABC's
right here, Theodore.
257
00:25:29,823 --> 00:25:33,550
Theodore, right?
258
00:25:33,623 --> 00:25:35,555
Ted's better.
259
00:25:35,623 --> 00:25:38,521
Ted. Okay.
260
00:25:39,923 --> 00:25:43,719
Are you saying my wife
cheats on me?
261
00:25:49,222 --> 00:25:51,154
Come here.
262
00:25:53,389 --> 00:25:55,321
Theodore.
263
00:25:55,389 --> 00:25:59,913
This is about as intimate
a situation as you can get:
264
00:25:59,989 --> 00:26:02,012
you,
265
00:26:02,089 --> 00:26:05,886
me, Angela here.
266
00:26:05,955 --> 00:26:08,148
Pretty cozy, isn't it?
267
00:26:08,222 --> 00:26:10,154
Now,
268
00:26:10,222 --> 00:26:12,154
I demand an apology.
269
00:26:12,222 --> 00:26:15,382
Oh, shit!
270
00:26:17,789 --> 00:26:19,721
What?
271
00:26:22,256 --> 00:26:26,984
Mm-mmm. Mm-mmm.
We ain't got no needles here, kid,
272
00:26:27,055 --> 00:26:30,579
just a big fuckin' gun.
273
00:26:30,656 --> 00:26:32,713
How's that grab ya?
Shh.
274
00:26:32,789 --> 00:26:35,687
Ciao, bambino.
275
00:26:39,489 --> 00:26:41,421
Now...
276
00:26:43,089 --> 00:26:45,055
where was l?
277
00:26:45,122 --> 00:26:47,350
Ah. Ah, yeah.
278
00:26:49,256 --> 00:26:52,086
I remember.
279
00:26:54,156 --> 00:26:56,679
Now...
280
00:26:56,756 --> 00:26:58,688
this--
281
00:27:00,756 --> 00:27:02,688
Gimme that. Gimme that.
282
00:27:02,756 --> 00:27:05,586
No. Bad idea.
Say the following.
283
00:27:05,656 --> 00:27:07,679
Come here. Come here.
284
00:27:09,623 --> 00:27:12,180
""l--""
285
00:27:12,256 --> 00:27:14,745
""l,
l,
286
00:27:14,823 --> 00:27:16,913
""Theodore,
Theodore,
287
00:27:16,989 --> 00:27:19,012
must humbly--
humbleh...
288
00:27:19,089 --> 00:27:21,851
Humbly! Humbly!
Humbleh. Humbly.
289
00:27:21,922 --> 00:27:25,979
""And sincerely...
And sincerely...
290
00:27:26,055 --> 00:27:29,579
apologize--
polgize...
291
00:27:29,656 --> 00:27:33,053
Apologize!
Polgi--
292
00:27:33,122 --> 00:27:35,088
Apologize.
Apologize. Apologize.
293
00:27:35,156 --> 00:27:37,145
""For saying--
Saying--
294
00:27:37,222 --> 00:27:40,017
saying that I fucked
another man.
295
00:27:43,256 --> 00:27:46,051
That--
Saying that I fucked another man!
296
00:27:46,122 --> 00:27:48,179
Saying that I fucked
another man.
297
00:27:48,256 --> 00:27:50,188
Great.
298
00:27:51,256 --> 00:27:53,188
Satisfied?
299
00:27:53,256 --> 00:27:57,018
Uh, do you accept
the fuckin' apology?
300
00:27:59,456 --> 00:28:01,388
Oh.
301
00:28:01,456 --> 00:28:04,581
You always have to have
the last word, Angela.
302
00:28:04,656 --> 00:28:08,088
Aw, it's just
one way with you.
303
00:28:11,055 --> 00:28:13,487
May l--
304
00:28:13,556 --> 00:28:16,716
Shit, yeah.
Come on, come on. Spit it out.
305
00:28:16,789 --> 00:28:20,186
I don't mean to
upset you further, sir,
306
00:28:20,256 --> 00:28:23,484
but I do think she was
trying to say yes.
307
00:28:32,723 --> 00:28:37,018
Are you... condescending
to me, Theodore?
308
00:28:38,689 --> 00:28:41,382
Absolutely not, sir.
309
00:28:41,456 --> 00:28:45,513
Don't you think I noticed
there's a gag in the woman's mouth?
310
00:28:45,589 --> 00:28:49,646
You know why I know that?
311
00:28:49,723 --> 00:28:54,882
How, sir?
Because I put that gag in her mouth!
312
00:28:56,989 --> 00:29:00,422
Don't move
a nose hair.
313
00:29:05,322 --> 00:29:07,345
Whoa!
314
00:29:07,422 --> 00:29:12,377
Don't be a stranger, Teddy!
Take off your jacket and relax!
315
00:29:15,922 --> 00:29:18,945
What?
316
00:29:22,389 --> 00:29:26,344
We don't have time to play charades
here, you asshole. Untie me.
317
00:29:26,422 --> 00:29:28,684
Listen!
Jesus, honey!
318
00:29:28,755 --> 00:29:30,688
I would appreciate it...
Where'd you put the Percodan?
319
00:29:30,755 --> 00:29:32,688
if you would tell
that nut case in there...
320
00:29:32,755 --> 00:29:35,812
he's making a big
fucking mistake.
321
00:29:35,889 --> 00:29:38,378
Look, whether
you like it or not,
322
00:29:38,456 --> 00:29:42,320
you are in the middle
of a situation here you cannot
just wish your way out of.
323
00:29:42,389 --> 00:29:44,820
But l've never met
you people before!
324
00:29:44,889 --> 00:29:47,151
You're complete strangers!
325
00:29:47,222 --> 00:29:50,154
Everybody starts out as strangers.
It's where we end up that counts.
326
00:29:50,222 --> 00:29:53,154
You being
a good boy, Theodore?
Quick. He's coming back.
327
00:29:53,222 --> 00:29:55,484
Put the gag back in my mouth.
We play this game all the time.
328
00:29:55,556 --> 00:29:57,714
Play by the rules and you
won't get hurt. Quick.
329
00:29:57,822 --> 00:30:00,687
Come on, put the gag back in my mouth.
Quick! Quick! Quick.
330
00:30:00,755 --> 00:30:05,415
Remember, don't make him mad.
I hope you're
being a good boy, Teddy.
331
00:30:05,489 --> 00:30:07,977
Oh! Teddy!
Whoops!
332
00:30:08,055 --> 00:30:10,317
Oh!
333
00:30:10,389 --> 00:30:13,718
I was just
beginning to think...
334
00:30:13,788 --> 00:30:16,220
I could trust you, Theodore.
335
00:30:16,289 --> 00:30:18,414
Just trying to help her
breathe a little.
336
00:30:18,489 --> 00:30:21,750
Well, don't let me
stop you, Teddy.
337
00:30:21,822 --> 00:30:25,845
You don't mind my calling
you Teddy, do you?
338
00:30:25,922 --> 00:30:27,854
No, it's fine.
339
00:30:27,922 --> 00:30:30,150
You know, once upon a time...
340
00:30:30,222 --> 00:30:32,915
I had a little bunny rabbit.
341
00:30:32,989 --> 00:30:37,978
His name was Teddy. He looked real cute
nibblin' on Angela's ear.
342
00:30:38,055 --> 00:30:41,419
But you're no bunny rabbit,
and picturing you do it...
343
00:30:41,489 --> 00:30:45,353
really fuckin' razzes me.
344
00:30:45,422 --> 00:30:47,819
But don't let me stop you.
345
00:30:47,889 --> 00:30:49,912
Nibble, Teddy.
346
00:30:49,989 --> 00:30:52,819
lf this is some kind of...
347
00:30:52,889 --> 00:30:54,821
weird voodoo thing...
348
00:30:54,889 --> 00:30:58,515
and you want me to have
sex with your wife,
349
00:30:58,589 --> 00:31:01,248
there's absolutely no way.
350
00:31:01,322 --> 00:31:04,083
Start nibblin', motherfucker!
351
00:31:04,156 --> 00:31:06,588
Now! Now!
352
00:31:06,655 --> 00:31:08,588
Oh.
353
00:31:08,655 --> 00:31:12,349
That's it.
Hop like a bunny.
354
00:31:18,456 --> 00:31:20,388
Don't be shy.
355
00:31:23,989 --> 00:31:25,921
Good boy.
356
00:31:35,256 --> 00:31:37,721
What's the problem,
Sparky?
357
00:31:37,788 --> 00:31:40,584
No whiz left in the cheese?
358
00:31:40,655 --> 00:31:44,849
Look, I'm not playing
this game anymore.
359
00:31:44,922 --> 00:31:47,717
lt'll be over soon.
360
00:31:47,788 --> 00:31:50,550
Then you can go home
to Mommy,
361
00:31:50,622 --> 00:31:52,850
Theodore.
Ted!
362
00:31:55,256 --> 00:31:57,915
The name's Ted.
363
00:31:57,989 --> 00:32:01,648
Yes, my mother did me the disservice
of naming me Theodore,
364
00:32:01,722 --> 00:32:04,882
and I haven't a clue as to how
you know that, because
everybody who knows that...
365
00:32:04,955 --> 00:32:07,547
is thousands
of fucking miles away.
366
00:32:07,622 --> 00:32:09,918
Have you any idea,
367
00:32:09,989 --> 00:32:13,513
the faintest idea,
368
00:32:13,588 --> 00:32:18,521
what it's like to arrive
at school and find yourself
surrounded by the maladjusted?
369
00:32:20,755 --> 00:32:22,687
And there you stand.
370
00:32:23,922 --> 00:32:27,184
Little Lord Fauntleroy.
371
00:32:27,256 --> 00:32:30,983
Ever worn a bonnet?
Give it a try sometime.
372
00:32:31,055 --> 00:32:34,351
So shoot me now,
373
00:32:34,422 --> 00:32:37,683
because no one is ever...
374
00:32:37,755 --> 00:32:41,847
going to call me...
Theodore again,
375
00:32:41,922 --> 00:32:44,013
let alone...
376
00:32:44,089 --> 00:32:46,521
Theo...
377
00:32:46,588 --> 00:32:48,521
the Thumper.
378
00:32:57,222 --> 00:32:59,154
Wow.
379
00:33:07,256 --> 00:33:09,687
Sigfried.
380
00:33:12,655 --> 00:33:14,746
What?
381
00:33:15,822 --> 00:33:17,754
That's my name.
382
00:33:18,822 --> 00:33:20,913
Sigfried.
Sigfried?
383
00:33:23,256 --> 00:33:25,687
Nice to meet ya.
384
00:33:25,755 --> 00:33:28,051
Very impressive,
385
00:33:28,122 --> 00:33:30,088
Ted.
386
00:33:30,156 --> 00:33:33,610
Thank you.
It's a deal, kid.
387
00:33:33,688 --> 00:33:37,382
Ted it will be.
388
00:33:37,456 --> 00:33:40,512
Whew.
389
00:33:52,189 --> 00:33:54,451
Hmm?
390
00:33:57,456 --> 00:33:59,978
My heart! Aah!
391
00:34:02,256 --> 00:34:06,450
My... nitro pills
in the bathroom! Quick!
392
00:34:15,356 --> 00:34:17,288
Hurry!
393
00:34:17,356 --> 00:34:22,152
Next to the condoms!
They may be in my medicine bag!
394
00:34:23,222 --> 00:34:25,188
This is it!
395
00:34:25,256 --> 00:34:29,211
Oh, this is the big one,
Angie!
396
00:34:29,289 --> 00:34:31,846
Dear God!
397
00:34:31,922 --> 00:34:35,877
Someone turn on
the lights!
398
00:34:37,555 --> 00:34:41,181
Nitro. Nitro. Nitro.
Oh, baby, I got the chills!
399
00:34:41,256 --> 00:34:45,483
I can't feel my leg!
It's fucked up!
400
00:34:49,755 --> 00:34:53,653
Nitro! Where's the fuckin'
white lightning?
401
00:34:53,722 --> 00:34:56,517
Can't live without my--
402
00:34:56,588 --> 00:34:58,520
Ooh!
403
00:35:02,122 --> 00:35:04,281
Help me!
404
00:35:04,356 --> 00:35:09,152
No time to take
a leak! I'm dyin', here!
Help! Help!
405
00:35:09,222 --> 00:35:11,949
Help me!
406
00:35:12,022 --> 00:35:14,954
Help me!
407
00:35:15,022 --> 00:35:17,284
Help me!
408
00:35:17,356 --> 00:35:21,378
Help me!
409
00:35:33,722 --> 00:35:35,654
Good evening.
410
00:35:38,622 --> 00:35:40,884
Ah.
411
00:35:56,688 --> 00:35:58,813
I'm stuck
in a situation here...
412
00:35:58,889 --> 00:36:02,151
which I couldn't possibly
begin to explain.
413
00:36:02,222 --> 00:36:05,551
What I was wondering:
Do you think you could, uh,
414
00:36:05,622 --> 00:36:08,349
call the police, sir?
415
00:36:08,421 --> 00:36:11,819
Are you all right,
sir? Sir?
416
00:36:11,889 --> 00:36:13,821
lce.
417
00:36:39,055 --> 00:36:41,680
Yoo-hoo. Sigfried.
418
00:36:45,722 --> 00:36:49,518
Oh, my God! Sigfried!
419
00:36:49,588 --> 00:36:51,611
Angela!
420
00:36:57,388 --> 00:37:01,151
Ohh! Ohh!
421
00:37:03,222 --> 00:37:05,154
Where is the fucking nitro?
422
00:37:05,222 --> 00:37:07,278
Couldn't find it.
What do you mean,
you couldn't find it?
423
00:37:07,355 --> 00:37:09,287
Untie me! I'll find it!
424
00:37:09,355 --> 00:37:11,981
It's your fault he's so upset!
Now he's dying!
425
00:37:12,055 --> 00:37:14,543
I'll get some help!
426
00:37:14,622 --> 00:37:16,554
Aah!
427
00:37:16,622 --> 00:37:20,180
I tie a pretty good knot,
don't l, Ted?
428
00:37:20,256 --> 00:37:23,222
Sigfried!
429
00:37:23,288 --> 00:37:27,482
Thank God, you're okay!
430
00:37:28,622 --> 00:37:31,145
You bastard.
431
00:37:32,355 --> 00:37:35,549
Aw, honey.
432
00:37:35,622 --> 00:37:41,112
Don't get mad. It was just
a little test, and I'm glad that
I did it, because now I know...
433
00:37:41,189 --> 00:37:43,178
you love me forever,
434
00:37:43,255 --> 00:37:45,619
truly...
435
00:37:45,688 --> 00:37:47,620
and deeply.
436
00:37:47,688 --> 00:37:50,279
lf the simple fact that I didn't want
your bloated, dead body...
437
00:37:50,355 --> 00:37:55,118
lying out on the floor is love,
then no wonder we find ourselves
as we are at this very moment.
438
00:37:55,189 --> 00:38:00,450
Oh, no. I heard genuine care in your
voice. Can't be denied, can it, Ted?
439
00:38:00,522 --> 00:38:02,988
I think you're right,
440
00:38:03,055 --> 00:38:06,680
and if you just keep this kind
of open dialogue going,
441
00:38:06,755 --> 00:38:09,516
I think you'll go a long way
to resolving this misunderstanding.
442
00:38:09,588 --> 00:38:13,180
You'd be surprised what happens
if people just listen...
443
00:38:13,255 --> 00:38:16,653
without succumbing
to all that pain and anger.
444
00:38:16,722 --> 00:38:20,950
You heard shit, monkey boy.
Easy for you to say after you
fuck another man's wife.
445
00:38:21,022 --> 00:38:23,817
You should at least have
the guts to stand behind...
446
00:38:23,889 --> 00:38:26,117
your convictions.
447
00:38:26,189 --> 00:38:29,848
She's lying, Sigfried.
I swear to God.
448
00:38:29,922 --> 00:38:33,047
You know, when I think
of all the times you were inside me...
449
00:38:33,122 --> 00:38:35,519
promising me a better life,
it makes me wanna puke.
450
00:38:38,688 --> 00:38:41,154
Why are you doing this to me?
451
00:38:42,455 --> 00:38:46,478
What have I ever done
to you people?
452
00:38:46,555 --> 00:38:49,021
What didn't you do,
stick man?
453
00:38:49,089 --> 00:38:53,487
Unfortunately, you don't have
the balls to back up
the actions of your huge cock.
454
00:38:53,555 --> 00:38:56,544
No, no, no.
455
00:38:56,622 --> 00:39:00,055
He's got a huge cock?
456
00:39:00,122 --> 00:39:03,212
Oh, no, no, no, no.
457
00:39:03,288 --> 00:39:06,152
Show it to me.
It's not that big.
458
00:39:06,221 --> 00:39:10,779
Put it this way: God made up for what
he did to Gumby with Teddy here.
459
00:39:10,855 --> 00:39:13,150
Show it to me!
460
00:39:13,221 --> 00:39:16,813
Show him your cock, Theodore.
461
00:39:16,889 --> 00:39:20,184
Please stop talking about his cock!
462
00:39:20,255 --> 00:39:23,983
Well, it's hard to stop talking
about something that's so huge.
463
00:39:24,055 --> 00:39:27,680
I mean, I could go
on and on about his cock,
464
00:39:27,755 --> 00:39:29,687
his bone,
465
00:39:29,755 --> 00:39:31,812
his knob,
Shh.
466
00:39:31,889 --> 00:39:34,446
his bishop,
467
00:39:34,522 --> 00:39:39,545
wang, thang, rod, hot rod,
humpmobile,
468
00:39:39,622 --> 00:39:41,554
Oscar, dong,
dagger, banana,
469
00:39:41,622 --> 00:39:43,815
cucumber, salami,
470
00:39:43,889 --> 00:39:47,150
sausage, kielbasa,
schlong,
471
00:39:47,221 --> 00:39:50,449
dink, tool, Big Ben, Mr. Happy, peter,
472
00:39:50,522 --> 00:39:53,784
pecker, pee-pee, wee-wee, wiener,
pisser, pistol, joint, hose, horn,
473
00:39:53,855 --> 00:39:55,787
middle leg, third leg,
meat,
474
00:39:55,855 --> 00:39:58,844
stick, joystick, dipstick,
475
00:39:58,922 --> 00:40:01,047
one-eyed wonder, Junior, little head,
476
00:40:01,121 --> 00:40:03,849
little guy, Rumple Foreskin,
Tootsie Roll,
477
00:40:03,922 --> 00:40:05,979
love muscle, skin flute,
478
00:40:06,055 --> 00:40:09,452
Roto-Rooter, snake--
479
00:40:09,522 --> 00:40:11,317
Please don't go!
480
00:40:13,688 --> 00:40:15,984
Hammer, rammer, Spammer,
481
00:40:16,055 --> 00:40:18,953
bazooka, rubber, chubby,
sticky, stubby.
482
00:40:20,288 --> 00:40:22,811
Hey, do you know where
room 404 is, man,
483
00:40:22,889 --> 00:40:25,320
'cause I was up
at this party, and--
484
00:40:25,388 --> 00:40:29,184
I have absolutely no idea!
485
00:40:29,255 --> 00:40:31,813
Oh.
486
00:40:35,255 --> 00:40:37,813
Schmeck, schmuck,
schvantz, ying-yang, yang--
487
00:40:37,889 --> 00:40:40,377
Whoa! I'm Theodore.
What?
488
00:40:40,455 --> 00:40:42,648
Well,
you're right on time, Theodore.
489
00:40:42,722 --> 00:40:44,711
Let's not beleaguer the fact...
490
00:40:44,788 --> 00:40:46,981
that you have
no sense of timing.
491
00:40:47,054 --> 00:40:49,612
The fact is...
492
00:40:49,688 --> 00:40:52,984
you're here.
493
00:41:22,288 --> 00:41:25,311
Front desk.
494
00:41:25,388 --> 00:41:28,946
Bottle of champagne.
Fast.
495
00:41:41,255 --> 00:41:44,221
Stand still.
496
00:41:44,288 --> 00:41:47,311
I said stand still.
You're gonna ruin your suit.
497
00:41:47,388 --> 00:41:49,616
Come here. Come here.
498
00:41:49,688 --> 00:41:52,017
Gimme that.
499
00:41:52,088 --> 00:41:54,145
Let me see.
500
00:41:57,054 --> 00:42:00,384
There. There, you see?
You see?
501
00:42:00,455 --> 00:42:04,978
Huh? You look good
with your hair back like this.
502
00:42:05,054 --> 00:42:07,816
Like me. Like me.
503
00:42:07,889 --> 00:42:11,150
Not down and to the side,
all stupid...
504
00:42:11,221 --> 00:42:13,278
like your mother
likes to comb it.
505
00:42:13,355 --> 00:42:16,321
No. No.
506
00:42:16,388 --> 00:42:18,820
Like this.
Ow.
507
00:42:38,889 --> 00:42:40,855
Gimme this.
508
00:42:43,288 --> 00:42:46,311
lmpossible.
509
00:42:46,388 --> 00:42:49,650
You've got your mother's hair.
You can't do anything with it.
510
00:42:51,221 --> 00:42:54,016
There. Go. Go.
511
00:42:56,255 --> 00:42:59,653
How did you get your hair
in such a tangled mess, huh?
512
00:43:02,088 --> 00:43:04,884
There. Go. Finished.
513
00:43:08,421 --> 00:43:11,012
Are we gonna
have fun tonight?
514
00:43:16,921 --> 00:43:18,978
I didn't think so.
515
00:43:30,121 --> 00:43:32,144
Hey.
516
00:43:33,655 --> 00:43:35,678
What about leaving
the kids here?
517
00:43:35,755 --> 00:43:38,084
Hmm?
Here in the room, all by themselves?
518
00:43:38,155 --> 00:43:40,882
No, with the television.
519
00:43:40,954 --> 00:43:42,886
Hmm?
520
00:43:50,588 --> 00:43:52,883
You wanna have fun tonight,
don't you?
521
00:43:54,155 --> 00:43:56,087
Yes.
522
00:43:56,155 --> 00:43:58,144
Give it to me.
Give it to me.
523
00:43:58,221 --> 00:44:00,153
Give it to me.
524
00:44:11,121 --> 00:44:14,349
Hey.
525
00:44:14,421 --> 00:44:16,852
You kids are gonna
stay here watching TV.
526
00:44:18,921 --> 00:44:22,217
I want you to be in bed
and asleep before 12:00.
527
00:44:22,288 --> 00:44:26,345
Twelve.
Your mother and l
will be back later on,
528
00:44:26,421 --> 00:44:28,353
maybe.
529
00:44:29,988 --> 00:44:33,045
Don't misbehave.
530
00:44:50,455 --> 00:44:54,649
Why did we have to get all dressed up
if we're not going with them?
531
00:44:54,722 --> 00:44:57,051
I don't know.
532
00:45:04,321 --> 00:45:07,014
What are you doing?
I'm escaping.
533
00:45:07,088 --> 00:45:09,350
It stinks in here
anyway.
534
00:45:09,421 --> 00:45:11,353
What did I say?
535
00:45:16,921 --> 00:45:18,819
Behave.
536
00:45:18,888 --> 00:45:21,081
Yes, Papa.
537
00:45:21,155 --> 00:45:23,348
The champagne
you ordered, sir.
538
00:45:24,421 --> 00:45:27,080
Too late.
Leave it on ice.
539
00:45:27,155 --> 00:45:29,087
But I want some now.
540
00:45:29,155 --> 00:45:31,178
There'll be plenty for you
at the party, baby.
541
00:45:31,255 --> 00:45:34,346
You can bomb yourself
all you want at the party.
542
00:45:34,421 --> 00:45:37,546
Put it down. Put it down.
543
00:45:43,155 --> 00:45:45,587
All right.
544
00:45:45,655 --> 00:45:50,053
You want 500 bucks?
Sure.
545
00:45:50,121 --> 00:45:53,679
How about three?
Three hundred dollars?
546
00:45:53,754 --> 00:45:55,687
Yeah.
Three's fine.
547
00:45:55,754 --> 00:46:00,187
Good. My children are staying
here tonight watching TV.
548
00:46:00,255 --> 00:46:04,187
I want you to check up
on them every 30 minutes.
549
00:46:04,255 --> 00:46:06,812
Check up on them?
Yeah, make sure they're all right.
550
00:46:06,888 --> 00:46:09,684
Make sure they're fed. Make sure
they go to bed. You know, these things.
551
00:46:09,754 --> 00:46:12,516
Sir, I can send out
for a baby-sitting service.
552
00:46:12,588 --> 00:46:15,747
No. I don't trust baby-sitters.
553
00:46:15,821 --> 00:46:18,083
My children are safer alone...
554
00:46:18,155 --> 00:46:20,348
than with some fucked-up
pedophile baby-sitter...
555
00:46:20,421 --> 00:46:22,478
I don't know from
the man in the fucking moon.
556
00:46:22,555 --> 00:46:26,714
What about him? What makes you think
you can trust him?
557
00:46:28,088 --> 00:46:31,248
Tell me that's not
a face you can trust.
558
00:46:31,321 --> 00:46:34,082
l'd love to help you
with your problem, sir,
559
00:46:34,155 --> 00:46:37,588
but unfortunately
I'm here alone tonight.
560
00:46:37,655 --> 00:46:40,348
Hmm.
561
00:46:42,821 --> 00:46:47,379
One hundred, two hundred,
three hundred.
562
00:46:47,455 --> 00:46:49,750
Here you are.
563
00:46:49,821 --> 00:46:52,685
I thought you said 500.
No, I said 300.
564
00:46:52,754 --> 00:46:55,516
No, sir. I distinctly
heard you say 500.
565
00:46:55,588 --> 00:46:58,349
Are you calling me a liar?
No, sir.
566
00:46:58,421 --> 00:47:01,012
What I'm saying is that you accidentally
forgot that the first thing you said--
567
00:47:01,088 --> 00:47:05,020
But what I last said was 300,
and what you say last is what counts.
568
00:47:05,088 --> 00:47:09,747
Well, then, if you say 500
one last time, we have a deal.
You fucking with me, pendejo?
569
00:47:09,821 --> 00:47:13,515
No, sir, but I'm by myself,
570
00:47:13,588 --> 00:47:16,213
and looking after your kids
is a pain in the ass I don't need.
571
00:47:16,288 --> 00:47:18,379
Are you calling my kids
a pain in the ass?
572
00:47:18,455 --> 00:47:21,682
Why, no, sir, not the kids.
573
00:47:21,754 --> 00:47:25,187
It's the situation
that is a pain in the ass.
574
00:47:25,255 --> 00:47:28,914
No, you were right the first time.
They're a pain in the ass.
575
00:47:28,988 --> 00:47:31,511
All right. You win, tough guy.
Five hundred.
576
00:47:31,588 --> 00:47:34,179
You kids
are getting expensive.
577
00:47:34,255 --> 00:47:36,686
What's your name?
578
00:47:36,754 --> 00:47:39,186
Ted.
579
00:47:39,255 --> 00:47:41,483
lf you need anything,
just dial zero and ask for Ted.
580
00:47:43,622 --> 00:47:46,678
And make sure they're
in bed before midnight.
Before midnight?
581
00:47:46,754 --> 00:47:49,243
Then should I wake them up
for the countdown to the New Year?
582
00:47:49,321 --> 00:47:52,481
No.
583
00:47:52,555 --> 00:47:55,180
lf something happens
to my children...
584
00:48:00,888 --> 00:48:03,514
I wouldn't want to be you.
585
00:48:06,155 --> 00:48:08,178
Don't misbehave.
586
00:48:10,787 --> 00:48:13,549
Let's get out of here.
587
00:48:41,787 --> 00:48:44,185
Okay.
588
00:48:44,255 --> 00:48:46,652
These are the rules.
589
00:48:46,721 --> 00:48:50,347
Don't break the rules
and I won't break your necks.
590
00:48:52,787 --> 00:48:54,980
I always wanted to say that.
591
00:48:55,054 --> 00:48:57,543
Someone said that to me
when I was a kid.
592
00:48:59,121 --> 00:49:01,712
Only they weren't joking.
593
00:49:03,455 --> 00:49:05,387
The rules are simple:
594
00:49:05,455 --> 00:49:08,353
Don't do anything you wouldn't do
if your parents were here.
595
00:49:08,421 --> 00:49:11,545
lf there's an emergency, call me on the
phone like your dad said. Thank you.
596
00:49:11,621 --> 00:49:17,384
That's not what he said.
He said to call you if we need anything.
597
00:49:17,455 --> 00:49:20,682
Well, I have a lot of work to do,
and I can't have you calling me...
598
00:49:20,754 --> 00:49:22,720
every time you want
a glass of water, so please,
599
00:49:22,787 --> 00:49:25,083
try and limit your calls
to emergencies only.
600
00:49:25,155 --> 00:49:28,212
Thank you.
We paid you $500.
601
00:49:28,288 --> 00:49:32,220
We'll call you
if we need anything.
602
00:49:32,288 --> 00:49:34,379
You don't wanna
get my dad mad.
603
00:49:36,721 --> 00:49:41,051
Oh. Well, try and call
only when necessary.
604
00:49:41,121 --> 00:49:43,552
Watch TV, and if you're good,
605
00:49:43,621 --> 00:49:45,746
I'll bring you up
some milk and cookies.
606
00:49:47,455 --> 00:49:49,716
Bye, now.
607
00:50:10,487 --> 00:50:13,079
Your feet stink.
608
00:50:14,455 --> 00:50:17,511
They don't stink.
609
00:50:22,321 --> 00:50:24,684
Check it out! T and A!
610
00:50:26,155 --> 00:50:28,246
Change it. You're not
supposed to watch this.
611
00:50:28,321 --> 00:50:31,718
We're supposed to watch TV.
Not this kind of TV.
612
00:50:31,787 --> 00:50:33,753
Change it.
613
00:50:35,621 --> 00:50:37,712
Leave me alone. Ouch.
614
00:50:37,787 --> 00:50:39,753
Ouch.
615
00:50:52,787 --> 00:50:54,719
Front desk.
616
00:50:54,787 --> 00:50:57,844
Ted?
What did I tell you?
617
00:50:57,921 --> 00:51:01,217
Don't bother me and you'll get
milk and cookies. Now, do you
want them or do you not?
618
00:51:01,288 --> 00:51:04,379
I want you to turn off
the nudie station in our room.
619
00:51:04,454 --> 00:51:07,545
I cannot turn on an adult
station without the express
permission of your parents.
620
00:51:07,621 --> 00:51:10,917
No, not turn it on.
Turn it off.
621
00:51:10,988 --> 00:51:13,886
It's already on.
Whoa.
622
00:51:13,954 --> 00:51:16,250
That's not what the machine tells me.
623
00:51:16,321 --> 00:51:19,310
Well, stop listening
to the machine and listen to me.
624
00:51:19,388 --> 00:51:23,377
There's naked ladies dancing on my TV,
and I want 'em off.
625
00:51:23,454 --> 00:51:26,909
Like I said, I'll be up later
to put you both to sleep.
626
00:51:26,988 --> 00:51:29,386
Bye.
627
00:51:29,454 --> 00:51:32,216
Change the channel now!
628
00:51:36,587 --> 00:51:39,712
Man, you're the one
with the stinking feet.
629
00:51:48,454 --> 00:51:50,716
They don't stink.
630
00:51:50,787 --> 00:51:53,753
Yeah, they do.
No, they don't.
631
00:51:53,821 --> 00:51:56,514
Here, smell for yourself.
632
00:51:58,221 --> 00:52:00,119
Go ahead.
633
00:52:22,255 --> 00:52:24,812
Go ahead.
634
00:52:43,587 --> 00:52:46,485
Get a bottle opener.
635
00:53:00,255 --> 00:53:03,516
Don't shake it.
636
00:53:06,255 --> 00:53:09,709
Front desk.
Ted? Hi, it's me, Sarah.
637
00:53:09,787 --> 00:53:14,845
Who died? No one?
Good. Then don't call me.
638
00:53:14,921 --> 00:53:18,648
I just thought l'd tell you that your
cleaning ladies are doing a bum job.
639
00:53:18,721 --> 00:53:23,051
There's all kinds of leftover stuff
here: needles and things.
640
00:53:23,121 --> 00:53:25,053
We're not supposed
to have needles, are we?
641
00:53:25,121 --> 00:53:27,780
I mean, they don't come
with the room, do they?
642
00:53:27,854 --> 00:53:30,150
Send someone up here
to clean this place up right.
643
00:53:31,621 --> 00:53:33,849
I told you not to shake it!
644
00:53:33,921 --> 00:53:38,183
I gotta go. My dumb brother
just exploded the champagne
all over the room.
645
00:53:38,255 --> 00:53:41,618
Oh, and bring us up
a couple of toothbrushes.
646
00:53:41,687 --> 00:53:45,676
There's a card in the bathroom
that says you'll bring us free
toothbrushes if we ask for them.
647
00:53:48,787 --> 00:53:51,719
I'm calling a room.
Give me three numbers.
648
00:53:51,787 --> 00:53:55,685
Four... zero... nine.
649
00:53:59,787 --> 00:54:01,878
Hello?
What?
650
00:54:01,954 --> 00:54:04,545
Hi. You don't know me,
and I don't know you either,
651
00:54:04,621 --> 00:54:06,382
but do you have
any needles?
652
00:54:06,454 --> 00:54:10,148
We have needles here,
and I was wondering if they come
with the room or not.
653
00:54:10,221 --> 00:54:12,550
We ain't got
no needles here, kid.
654
00:54:12,621 --> 00:54:15,382
No?
Just a big fuckin' gun.
655
00:54:15,454 --> 00:54:17,477
Just checking.
656
00:55:10,921 --> 00:55:14,876
This is the bull's-eye.
It's worth 100 points.
657
00:55:14,954 --> 00:55:18,011
This is worth ten points.
This is worth 20 points.
658
00:55:18,088 --> 00:55:22,986
This is worth-Hey, wait 'til
I get out of the way!
659
00:55:25,121 --> 00:55:28,382
This is how
an expert throws it.
660
00:55:32,287 --> 00:55:36,686
Hello, kiddie-winkies.
I brought your milk and cookies.
661
00:55:36,754 --> 00:55:39,879
You're going to have
to eat them now, because...
662
00:55:39,954 --> 00:55:42,511
you're going to sleep.
663
00:55:42,587 --> 00:55:44,519
We have
to go to sleep now?
664
00:55:44,587 --> 00:55:47,382
Your parents said to put
you to bed before midnight.
665
00:55:47,454 --> 00:55:49,716
Well--
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
666
00:55:49,787 --> 00:55:54,185
Maybe this way
you'll leave me alone.
667
00:55:54,254 --> 00:55:56,345
Those aren't
milk and cookies.
668
00:55:56,420 --> 00:55:58,443
Well, we ran out
of cookies,
669
00:55:58,521 --> 00:56:01,510
so I brought you
milk and saltines.
670
00:56:01,587 --> 00:56:04,678
Now, don't complain. Hurry up and eat.
You're going to bed.
671
00:56:04,754 --> 00:56:06,845
They're old.
672
00:56:06,921 --> 00:56:11,319
Dip them in the milk.
The milk will make them soft.
673
00:56:18,687 --> 00:56:21,051
No crackers?
674
00:56:21,120 --> 00:56:24,678
Sleepy time. Now, I don't
want you wandering around,
675
00:56:24,754 --> 00:56:26,720
so if you need
the rest room--
676
00:57:00,087 --> 00:57:02,020
What about our pajamas?
677
00:57:02,087 --> 00:57:04,519
You wanna look nice in case
there's an earthquake, don't you?
678
00:57:04,587 --> 00:57:07,519
Yeah.
Well, then, stay in those clothes.
679
00:57:07,587 --> 00:57:10,348
This is some
Mentholatum ointment.
680
00:57:10,420 --> 00:57:14,352
Now, under the covers and close
your eyes, and I'll tell you a story.
681
00:57:14,420 --> 00:57:16,886
Your dad says he hates baby-sitters,
doesn't trust 'em.
682
00:57:16,954 --> 00:57:19,215
Well, can't say
I blame him, really.
683
00:57:19,287 --> 00:57:21,651
You know what my baby-sitter
did to me when I was a kid?
684
00:57:22,854 --> 00:57:24,786
I used to hate
going to sleep.
685
00:57:24,854 --> 00:57:27,684
You know, when it's late,
you wanna get up, run around, go crazy.
686
00:57:27,754 --> 00:57:30,515
Well, what my baby-sitter
used to do to me...
687
00:57:30,587 --> 00:57:33,553
to make sure l'd stay in bed,
not be tempted to get up,
688
00:57:33,621 --> 00:57:36,712
was she'd take some of
this vapor rub ointment...
689
00:57:39,854 --> 00:57:42,718
and she'd dab a little
on each eyelid...
690
00:57:42,787 --> 00:57:46,378
just to make sure
l'd stay put.
691
00:57:46,454 --> 00:57:49,614
There.
Now you have some too.
692
00:57:49,687 --> 00:57:53,676
Don't open your eyes
or it'll burn, burn, burn.
693
00:57:53,754 --> 00:57:55,686
What about in the morning?
Well, if you keep...
694
00:57:55,754 --> 00:58:00,209
your eyes shut tight all night,
it'll wear off by morning,
but don't open them before then.
695
00:58:00,287 --> 00:58:02,253
Did you ever
open your eyes?
696
00:58:02,320 --> 00:58:05,718
Yes, I did,
and look at me now.
697
00:58:05,787 --> 00:58:09,082
We can't.
Exactly. Good.
698
00:58:11,287 --> 00:58:13,219
You'll do fine.
699
00:58:13,287 --> 00:58:16,549
Sleep tight all night...
700
00:58:16,621 --> 00:58:19,712
and I won't tell your parents
about the champagne.
701
00:58:22,888 --> 00:58:24,820
Good night.
702
00:59:16,787 --> 00:59:19,184
Are you watching TV?
703
00:59:19,254 --> 00:59:24,380
Yep. lf you wanna watch,
you better go wash your face.
704
00:59:31,420 --> 00:59:33,579
Unh!
Be careful.
705
00:59:34,953 --> 00:59:37,385
Gimme that!
706
00:59:54,420 --> 00:59:57,545
Ah.
707
00:59:57,621 --> 01:00:00,280
Hey, what are you doing?
708
01:00:19,187 --> 01:00:21,380
Shut up.
709
01:00:21,454 --> 01:00:24,079
You! Shut up!
Shut up!
710
01:00:29,120 --> 01:00:31,915
Ted!
What do you want now,
for Christ sakes? Who died?
711
01:00:31,987 --> 01:00:34,044
I don't know,
but she's in my bed.
712
01:00:34,120 --> 01:00:37,052
What?
There's a dead body in my bed.
713
01:00:37,120 --> 01:00:39,382
Nonsense! That's just
your brother sound asleep!
714
01:00:39,454 --> 01:00:43,716
No! There's a woman's dead body
inside the bed in the mattress.
715
01:00:43,787 --> 01:00:46,252
You saw the body?
Yes!
716
01:00:46,320 --> 01:00:49,911
lmpossible! You've got
the ointment on your eyes.
717
01:00:49,987 --> 01:00:53,715
Ya can't see shit!
Now go to sleep!
718
01:00:56,687 --> 01:00:59,448
Go to sleep!
I washed it off.
719
01:00:59,521 --> 01:01:03,419
The Mentholatum?
Yeah. Didn't you ever
think to do that?
720
01:01:05,020 --> 01:01:07,350
Get your ass up here
and call the police,
721
01:01:07,420 --> 01:01:11,182
because there's a dead body in
my bed, and it smells like shit,
and it looks even worse.
722
01:01:11,254 --> 01:01:14,049
lf you don't help us, my dad is going to
lay you down right next to her,
723
01:01:14,120 --> 01:01:16,609
I swear to fucking God!
724
01:01:16,687 --> 01:01:18,948
I am coming up there
right this minute!
725
01:01:19,020 --> 01:01:22,783
lf there is no dead body
in that room by the time I get
up there, I'm gonna make one!
726
01:01:22,853 --> 01:01:24,944
You--
727
01:01:25,020 --> 01:01:27,452
Little bitch.
728
01:01:30,120 --> 01:01:32,052
Ah, shit!
729
01:01:55,187 --> 01:01:56,982
Cover it up.
Cover it up.
730
01:02:02,020 --> 01:02:04,077
Thank you.
731
01:02:15,354 --> 01:02:18,718
Jesus Christ! What the fuck
is going on here?
732
01:02:18,786 --> 01:02:21,082
Your parents are
on their way up here.
733
01:02:21,154 --> 01:02:24,881
And I am not taking responsibility
for this mess!
734
01:02:24,953 --> 01:02:28,749
Check under the mattress.
For what?
735
01:02:28,820 --> 01:02:32,218
For the body. Can't you smell it?
It's your feet.
736
01:02:40,621 --> 01:02:43,916
Fucking Christ!
What the fuck is that?
737
01:02:48,786 --> 01:02:51,218
Police! It's an emergency!
738
01:02:57,621 --> 01:03:01,553
Police! Get someone over here
right fucking now.
739
01:03:01,621 --> 01:03:05,417
There's a dead whore
stuffed in the mattress!
Don't call her that.
740
01:03:05,487 --> 01:03:08,919
Shut up!
I'm dead fucking serious.
741
01:03:08,987 --> 01:03:13,443
There's a dead
fucking whore stuffed...
Stop calling her that!
742
01:03:13,521 --> 01:03:16,351
in the fucking bed!
743
01:03:18,420 --> 01:03:19,908
Fuck!
744
01:03:40,621 --> 01:03:44,075
lf your pad is a wax museum
745
01:03:48,287 --> 01:03:50,912
The young and exotic
746
01:03:50,987 --> 01:03:53,112
Following a millionaire
747
01:03:53,187 --> 01:03:57,586
A glass and a shaker
748
01:03:57,654 --> 01:04:00,552
Our host is
a real scene maker
749
01:04:00,621 --> 01:04:03,711
The millionaire's holiday
750
01:04:06,454 --> 01:04:10,715
The millionaire's holiday
751
01:04:13,454 --> 01:04:18,250
The millionaire's holiday
752
01:04:22,953 --> 01:04:25,078
Did they misbehave?
753
01:04:51,753 --> 01:04:55,776
Emergency?
754
01:04:55,853 --> 01:05:00,115
Just--
755
01:05:10,786 --> 01:05:12,718
Happy New Year.
756
01:05:12,786 --> 01:05:17,219
Let me speak to Betty.
Uh, party's over.
She probably went home.
757
01:05:17,287 --> 01:05:22,276
She lives there!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.
758
01:05:22,354 --> 01:05:25,184
Well, then get her on the phone.
Tell her it's an emergency.
759
01:05:25,254 --> 01:05:28,186
Who-Who should
I say is calling?
760
01:05:28,254 --> 01:05:30,776
You tell her it's Teddy
from work on the phone.
761
01:05:30,853 --> 01:05:33,910
I got some major
fucking emergency.
762
01:05:33,987 --> 01:05:36,885
Hi, Ted.
I'm Margaret.
763
01:05:36,953 --> 01:05:40,044
You sound down. Has this not been
the happiest of New Years?
764
01:05:40,120 --> 01:05:44,075
No, Margaret. This hasn't been
my happiest New Year.
765
01:05:44,154 --> 01:05:47,086
This one's starting off
pretty fucking badly.
766
01:05:47,154 --> 01:05:50,245
Aw, how come?
Well, Betty...
767
01:05:50,320 --> 01:05:54,252
leaves me here all by myself,
and first thing right off the bat,
768
01:05:54,320 --> 01:05:56,252
I'm fucked
by a coven of witches.
769
01:05:56,320 --> 01:05:59,252
You were fucked
by an oven full of witches?
770
01:05:59,320 --> 01:06:03,843
A coven of witches!
Not an oven!
771
01:06:03,920 --> 01:06:06,352
Well, one witch
in particular.
772
01:06:06,420 --> 01:06:11,250
Was she an old hag with a mole on
her face with hair growing out of it?
773
01:06:11,320 --> 01:06:13,081
No, no, she was
very beautiful.
774
01:06:13,154 --> 01:06:18,711
Ted? What's the problem?
775
01:06:18,786 --> 01:06:23,741
Well, admittedly, that was
the best part of the evening.
776
01:06:23,820 --> 01:06:26,786
It was pretty
bloody good actually.
777
01:06:26,853 --> 01:06:30,546
But it's still a pretty unnerving way
to start off the night.
778
01:06:30,620 --> 01:06:33,382
Sounds like a pretty great way
to start off the night to me.
779
01:06:33,454 --> 01:06:36,908
Why don't we just
skip over the witches?
Skipping the witches.
780
01:06:36,987 --> 01:06:40,510
Right. Later,
in another room,
781
01:06:40,586 --> 01:06:44,848
some crazy fucking maniac
sticks a gun in my face...
782
01:06:44,920 --> 01:06:47,909
and forces me to play out
some psychosexual drama with his wife.
783
01:06:47,987 --> 01:06:50,215
He made you have
psycho sex with his wife?
784
01:06:50,287 --> 01:06:53,048
No, he didn't make me fuck his wife.
He thought I fucked his wife.
785
01:06:53,120 --> 01:06:56,348
He held me at gunpoint
with a loaded gun!
What kind of gun was it?
786
01:06:56,420 --> 01:06:58,715
I don't know.
I'm not a gun guy. It was big.
787
01:06:58,786 --> 01:07:02,912
Was it like Dirty Harry's gun?
Yeah, sort of like that, yeah.
788
01:07:02,987 --> 01:07:05,851
Did it have a real long barrel
or a short barrel?
789
01:07:05,920 --> 01:07:08,511
What difference
does it make?
790
01:07:08,586 --> 01:07:13,076
Well, for one thing, it's a difference
between a .44 Magnum and a Magnum .357.
791
01:07:13,154 --> 01:07:17,916
Who the fuck cares whether it was a
.44 or a .392? It was a big fucking gun!
792
01:07:17,987 --> 01:07:20,953
It was loaded! And it was pointed
right at my fucking head!
793
01:07:21,020 --> 01:07:25,611
You wanna skip this part too?
I want you to get Betty on
the phone right fucking now.
794
01:07:25,686 --> 01:07:30,381
Hold on.
Anybody live here named--
795
01:07:30,453 --> 01:07:32,578
What's her name again?
796
01:07:32,653 --> 01:07:36,585
Betty.
Betty!
797
01:07:36,653 --> 01:07:39,279
Whatcha
screaming about?
798
01:07:39,354 --> 01:07:41,911
You're Betty?
Yeah, I'm Betty.
It's my fucking place.
799
01:07:41,987 --> 01:07:46,079
Who the fuck are you?
I'm Margaret. And this is Ted.
800
01:07:49,786 --> 01:07:53,616
You guys, wanna go to breakfast?
No.
801
01:07:53,686 --> 01:07:56,414
Let's go to Denny's.
Later.
802
01:07:56,486 --> 01:08:01,509
Okay, Ted, what's the problem?
Hello, Betty.
803
01:08:01,586 --> 01:08:04,848
""What's the problem?""
I haven't got a problem.
804
01:08:04,920 --> 01:08:10,682
l've got fucking problems.
Plural. Wanna hear?
Sure.
805
01:08:10,753 --> 01:08:14,412
Well, most recently,
there's room 309.
806
01:08:14,486 --> 01:08:19,010
There's this scary Mexican gangster
dude pokin' his finger in my chest.
807
01:08:19,087 --> 01:08:22,281
There's his hooligan kids
snapping their fingers at me.
808
01:08:22,354 --> 01:08:26,945
There's a putrid, rotting corpse
of a dead whore stuffed
in the springs of the bed.
809
01:08:27,020 --> 01:08:29,350
There's rooms blazing afire.
810
01:08:29,419 --> 01:08:31,908
There's a big fat needle
from God knows where,
811
01:08:31,987 --> 01:08:34,885
stuck in my leg, infecting me
with God knows what.
812
01:08:34,953 --> 01:08:38,885
And finally, there's me, walkin'
out the door right fuckin' now.
813
01:08:38,953 --> 01:08:43,181
Buenas noches.
814
01:08:43,254 --> 01:08:47,346
ls that the penthouse?
Yes, it is.
815
01:08:47,419 --> 01:08:49,215
It's the Chester Rush party.
They want something.
816
01:08:49,287 --> 01:08:55,083
Well, tough titty. They're just gonna
have to whistle, because I'm off.
817
01:08:55,154 --> 01:08:57,415
Now, Ted, wait a minute.
I know you're freaked.
818
01:08:57,486 --> 01:08:59,850
I know you're stressed.
You had a real bad night.
819
01:08:59,920 --> 01:09:05,614
Oh, yes, Betty.
l've had a real bad night.
820
01:09:05,686 --> 01:09:09,516
The only thing I ask is that
you take care of Chester Rush,
and then you can leave.
821
01:09:09,586 --> 01:09:12,609
I don't feel like it!
Ted, he's a very important
guest of the hotel.
822
01:09:12,686 --> 01:09:14,618
ln fact, he's the most
important guest of the hotel.
823
01:09:14,686 --> 01:09:17,209
The Mon Signor used to be
a haven for movie stars.
824
01:09:17,287 --> 01:09:19,616
Through the Thirties, Forties
and first halfof the Fifties,
825
01:09:19,686 --> 01:09:22,675
more movie stars, if you break it down
on a night-by-night basis,
826
01:09:22,753 --> 01:09:25,219
stayed at the Mon Signor than
any other hotel in Hollywood.
827
01:09:25,287 --> 01:09:27,219
Now, we had some hard times
in the Eighties,
828
01:09:27,287 --> 01:09:29,343
even though we were the official
hotel of Cannon Pictures,
829
01:09:29,419 --> 01:09:31,283
but we're comin' back strong
in the Nineties.
830
01:09:31,353 --> 01:09:33,876
And a movie star clientele
is important to that comeback.
831
01:09:33,953 --> 01:09:36,510
Now, you look here--
He probably just wants some champagne.
832
01:09:36,586 --> 01:09:40,075
You can do that, can't you?
Ted. Just take care of him.
833
01:09:40,154 --> 01:09:42,676
The entire staffof
the Mon Signor is begging you.
834
01:09:42,753 --> 01:09:48,186
Okay. But you get your ass
down here pronto!
835
01:09:48,254 --> 01:09:51,344
You're a good man, Ted. Thanks.
836
01:09:59,453 --> 01:10:04,250
Hello, Mr. Rush.
Sorry for the delay.
837
01:10:04,319 --> 01:10:06,149
How can I help you?
838
01:10:20,553 --> 01:10:25,315
Get your skanky asses
the fuck outta here!
839
01:10:47,853 --> 01:10:49,910
Room service.
840
01:10:52,653 --> 01:10:54,585
Hello, Theodore.
841
01:10:57,653 --> 01:11:02,143
What the f-fuck are you doing here?
Havin' a drink.
842
01:11:02,220 --> 01:11:04,583
ls Sigfried here?
843
01:11:04,653 --> 01:11:07,585
Are you kidding? He'll probably
be asleep 'til Christmas.
844
01:11:07,653 --> 01:11:09,915
Hey, everybody.
The bellboy is here.
845
01:11:09,987 --> 01:11:13,646
The bellboy's here!
Oh, my God! Shit!
846
01:11:13,720 --> 01:11:17,675
Happy New Year!
Entra! Entra!
847
01:11:17,753 --> 01:11:20,446
Hey, bellboy!
848
01:11:23,187 --> 01:11:26,277
Mr. Rush,
I'm sorry I'm late.
849
01:11:26,353 --> 01:11:28,819
But l, I think you'll find
I have everything you need.
850
01:11:28,887 --> 01:11:33,251
No problema, el bellboy.
No problema.
851
01:11:33,319 --> 01:11:36,410
His name is Theodore.
Actually, it's not Theodore. It's Ted.
852
01:11:36,486 --> 01:11:40,180
It's Ted, sir.
So, Ted, the bellboy,
853
01:11:40,253 --> 01:11:43,015
would you care for some champagne
as I was saying?
854
01:11:43,087 --> 01:11:45,110
All right, that wasn't
what I was saying.
855
01:11:45,187 --> 01:11:47,675
But would you care for some champagne?
Um, I'm on duty, sir.
856
01:11:47,753 --> 01:11:51,310
Duty, smooty, come on. It's like
Cristal. It's the very best they make.
857
01:11:51,386 --> 01:11:55,478
I didn't like champagne
'tiI I had Cristal. Now I love it.
858
01:11:55,553 --> 01:11:57,576
Come on!
lf I must, sir.
859
01:11:57,653 --> 01:12:00,448
Yes. As I was saying, chin-chin.
Chin-chin.
860
01:12:00,520 --> 01:12:03,350
For our purposes, promptness
is far behind thoroughness.
861
01:12:03,419 --> 01:12:06,647
Drink up, lad.
862
01:12:06,720 --> 01:12:08,743
What do you say?
Ah, thank you, sir.
863
01:12:08,820 --> 01:12:11,615
No, not thank you. What do you say
about the tasty beverage?
864
01:12:11,686 --> 01:12:13,675
Um, oh,
it's very good.
865
01:12:13,753 --> 01:12:15,776
It's fucking good, Ted.
Fucking good!
866
01:12:15,853 --> 01:12:17,842
Let's try it again, shall we?
Got a light?
867
01:12:17,920 --> 01:12:20,249
Okay, so, Ted, what do you think
about that tasty beverage?
868
01:12:20,319 --> 01:12:22,115
It's fucking good!
869
01:12:22,186 --> 01:12:25,619
It's fucking Cristal.
Everything else is piss.
870
01:12:25,686 --> 01:12:27,982
Bellboy.
Bellboy. Bellboy!
871
01:12:28,053 --> 01:12:31,314
Shut up. Shut up! Shh! Shut up!
You're makin' my friend Ted nervous.
872
01:12:31,386 --> 01:12:34,944
Chill out, dude.
Pay no attention to Norman here.
873
01:12:35,020 --> 01:12:37,952
He's just-That's from Quadrophenia.
He's just fuckin' with you.
874
01:12:38,020 --> 01:12:40,952
Now me, personally,
when I think of bellboy,
875
01:12:41,020 --> 01:12:43,918
I think of The Bellboy
with Jerry Lewis.
876
01:12:43,987 --> 01:12:47,680
Did you ever see that film, Ted?
Um... no, sir.
877
01:12:47,753 --> 01:12:50,310
Oh, you should. It's one
of Jerry's better movies.
878
01:12:50,386 --> 01:12:53,012
He doesn't say a word
through the entire film.
879
01:12:53,087 --> 01:12:56,314
It's a completely
silent performance.
880
01:12:56,386 --> 01:12:58,784
Now how many actors
can pull that off?
881
01:12:58,853 --> 01:13:02,785
I gotta tell you, that guy,
he's gotta go to France to get respect.
882
01:13:02,853 --> 01:13:04,842
That says it all
about America right there.
883
01:13:04,920 --> 01:13:07,852
Just that one little sentence says
it all about America right there.
884
01:13:07,920 --> 01:13:10,977
The minute Jerry Lewis dies, every
newspaper in this fuckin' country...
885
01:13:11,053 --> 01:13:13,484
is gonna be writin' articles
callin' the man a genius.
886
01:13:13,553 --> 01:13:16,519
It's not right. It's not right
and it's not fuckin' fair!
887
01:13:16,586 --> 01:13:21,177
But why should that surprise
anybody? When the hell has
America ever been fair?
888
01:13:21,253 --> 01:13:25,583
We might be right every once in awhile,
but we're very rarely fair.
889
01:13:29,720 --> 01:13:32,845
Oh. Um... where
shall I put this, sir?
890
01:13:35,086 --> 01:13:37,245
You in a hurry there, Ted?
891
01:13:37,319 --> 01:13:41,843
Uh, well, um--
Not particularly.
892
01:13:41,920 --> 01:13:44,750
Good there! Okay, then gotta stop
playin' ""Beat the Clock.""
893
01:13:44,820 --> 01:13:48,014
Okay. Let me introduce you to everybody.
Now, see that girl over there?
894
01:13:48,086 --> 01:13:50,019
All right, that's
our friend from downstairs.
895
01:13:50,086 --> 01:13:52,314
We just met her at the pool.
You seem to be acquainted.
896
01:13:52,386 --> 01:13:54,944
Yeah, Theodore and I go
way back, don't we, Theodore?
897
01:13:55,020 --> 01:13:57,315
Actually, the name's Ted, Angela.
898
01:13:57,386 --> 01:14:01,318
I only let people with loaded guns
pointed at my head call me Theodore.
899
01:14:01,386 --> 01:14:04,250
The man sittin' in this chair
with the Jim Beam in his hand,
900
01:14:04,319 --> 01:14:07,251
yellin' ""Bellboy"" at you
is Norman.
901
01:14:07,319 --> 01:14:11,649
Norman, say hello to Ted.
902
01:14:11,720 --> 01:14:13,777
What's up, Ted?
What's up, sir?
903
01:14:13,853 --> 01:14:17,751
And the sociable son ofa bitch
in that room over there is Leo.
904
01:14:17,820 --> 01:14:20,650
And the person on the other end of
the phone is his lovely wife Ellen.
905
01:14:20,720 --> 01:14:22,982
Leo!
What?
906
01:14:23,052 --> 01:14:25,314
Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
Hold on a second. What?
907
01:14:25,386 --> 01:14:29,409
Say hello to Ted the bellboy.
Here. Come here.
908
01:14:29,486 --> 01:14:33,475
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Leo, Leo, Leo, L-Leo, L-Leo!
909
01:14:33,553 --> 01:14:36,314
Leo, that is Ted the bellboy.
That's me.
910
01:14:36,386 --> 01:14:39,147
The bellboy we called
about 20, 25 minutes ago.
911
01:14:39,219 --> 01:14:42,117
Oh, Ted the bellboy.
Well, my goodness.
912
01:14:42,186 --> 01:14:45,482
Glad you could make it, chum.
Glad I could be here.
913
01:14:45,553 --> 01:14:48,519
Ellen, what does punctuality
have to do with love?
914
01:14:48,586 --> 01:14:51,450
Which brings me to me.
Could you explain that to me, please?
915
01:14:51,520 --> 01:14:55,475
Chester Rush, Ted.
Pleased to meet ya.
916
01:14:55,553 --> 01:14:58,485
I'm pleased to meet you, sir.
Oh, Chester.
917
01:14:58,553 --> 01:15:01,075
Not ""sir.""
Chester.
918
01:15:01,153 --> 01:15:04,085
Chester? Oh, Chester.
919
01:15:04,153 --> 01:15:07,017
Um, terribly sorry I haven't
seen the movie yet, sir, but--
920
01:15:07,086 --> 01:15:09,143
No worries.
No worries at all.
921
01:15:09,219 --> 01:15:11,151
Don't worry.
Don't be sorry about that.
922
01:15:11,219 --> 01:15:14,083
You know, it's just, that's
why God invented video. No problem.
923
01:15:14,153 --> 01:15:16,483
You got a point, sir.
But you know what?
924
01:15:16,553 --> 01:15:19,644
A lot of people did see it. Whole lot
of motherfuckers saw that movie.
925
01:15:19,720 --> 01:15:21,652
Didn't they? Didn't they?
A whole lot--
926
01:15:21,720 --> 01:15:26,652
Lot of motherfuckers
saw The Wacky Detective.
927
01:15:27,820 --> 01:15:30,650
The Wacky Detective, sir.
928
01:15:30,720 --> 01:15:32,981
Who drank out of this bottle last?
Uh?
929
01:15:33,052 --> 01:15:35,280
I said, ""Who drank out
of this bottle last?""
930
01:15:35,353 --> 01:15:39,149
What the fuck's wrong?
It's fuckin' flat, man.
That's what's fuckin' wrong.
931
01:15:39,219 --> 01:15:43,311
Goddamn Cristal is fuckin' flat.
There ain't a goddamn bubble
left in the fuckin' bottle, man.
932
01:15:43,386 --> 01:15:46,614
Jesus Christ!
What the fuck is goin' on here?
Chill out, man.
933
01:15:46,686 --> 01:15:49,652
Who fuckin'-Who-Fuck--
Who didn't put the cork in the bottle?
934
01:15:49,720 --> 01:15:52,117
All right? Somebody!
I didn't do this!
935
01:15:52,186 --> 01:15:54,175
I was drinkin' out of
that other bottle there.
936
01:15:54,253 --> 01:15:56,412
Somebody didn't put the fuckin' cork
in the bottle. Who didn't put it in?
937
01:15:56,486 --> 01:15:58,452
Chester, do you want me to open
another bottle of champ--
Who didn't put it in?
938
01:15:58,520 --> 01:16:00,509
Do you want me to open
another bottle of champagne?
939
01:16:00,586 --> 01:16:02,518
No, don't you fuckin'
open another bottle!
940
01:16:02,586 --> 01:16:04,848
I-I-I got enough right here.
Fucking shit, man.
941
01:16:04,920 --> 01:16:07,181
God, we've opened
enough fucking bottles!
942
01:16:07,253 --> 01:16:09,685
Do you know how much this shit
costs? No! You don't.
Yes, I do.
943
01:16:09,753 --> 01:16:11,844
No! You don't!
No! You don't!
944
01:16:11,920 --> 01:16:16,477
'Cause it's fucking free, man. It's just
fucking free to you fucking assholes.
945
01:16:16,553 --> 01:16:19,246
Shit. I give and I give
and I give and I give and I give.
946
01:16:19,319 --> 01:16:23,809
What was I talkin' about?
947
01:16:23,887 --> 01:16:26,977
Um, you were saying
that The Wacky Detective...
948
01:16:27,052 --> 01:16:29,109
was a very popular movie.
949
01:16:29,186 --> 01:16:34,016
Yes, it was. And it was popular--
very, very popular-before video.
950
01:16:34,086 --> 01:16:38,416
It was popular before foreign!
It was popular before p-pay TV.
951
01:16:38,486 --> 01:16:42,009
And before free TV.
Before all that shit!
952
01:16:42,086 --> 01:16:45,143
The Wacky Detective was making--
Ellen, I'm sorry, okay?
953
01:16:45,219 --> 01:16:48,583
Leo! Leo. What was the final take
on domestic?
954
01:16:48,653 --> 01:16:50,676
$72.1million.
955
01:16:50,753 --> 01:16:53,344
$72.1million.
Ellen, I'm sorry.
956
01:16:53,419 --> 01:16:56,613
That's fucking asses
in fucking seats.
957
01:16:56,686 --> 01:16:58,652
You know, it's not your fault.
I mean, they hit you both barrels.
958
01:16:58,720 --> 01:17:01,311
But you know, fuck, you know, I just
would like a little consideration.
959
01:17:01,386 --> 01:17:04,284
And my new one,
The Dog Catcher,
960
01:17:04,353 --> 01:17:06,819
which, by the way, is testing
right through the ceiling,
961
01:17:06,886 --> 01:17:09,943
all right, is projected
to gross a hundred.
962
01:17:10,019 --> 01:17:14,281
The Dog Catcher.
The Dog Catcher, Chester.
963
01:17:18,553 --> 01:17:21,246
Oh, thank you, sir.
That's the good stuff.
964
01:17:21,319 --> 01:17:24,114
Now, take a look at some of
these goodies you brought us, okay?
965
01:17:24,186 --> 01:17:28,642
Um, f-far be it--
Far be it for me, uh, Chester--
Uh-huh.
966
01:17:28,720 --> 01:17:31,743
But I was just wondering if you could
tell me, what is all that stuff for?
967
01:17:31,820 --> 01:17:34,149
Hey, one thing at a time, man.
I'm not a frog, and you're not a bunny.
968
01:17:34,219 --> 01:17:36,811
So let's not jump ahead.
Very good, sir.
969
01:17:36,886 --> 01:17:39,409
Norman, Norman, Norman, come on,
come on. I think you might want
to look at some of this shit.
970
01:17:39,486 --> 01:17:42,475
Hey, you damn skimpy.
All right, men.
971
01:17:45,119 --> 01:17:48,108
All right, man.
Tell it.
972
01:17:49,686 --> 01:17:52,481
A block of wood.
973
01:17:52,553 --> 01:17:55,212
Continue.
974
01:17:55,286 --> 01:17:57,809
Three nails.
Why three nails?
975
01:17:57,886 --> 01:18:01,818
That's how many Peter Lorre
asked for. Continue, Ted.
976
01:18:01,886 --> 01:18:04,114
A ball of twine.
977
01:18:04,186 --> 01:18:07,152
Well, that is definitely
a ball of twine. Continue!
978
01:18:08,553 --> 01:18:11,212
A bucket... of ice.
979
01:18:11,286 --> 01:18:13,218
You into it?
I'm into it.
980
01:18:13,286 --> 01:18:15,218
All right.
Go on!
981
01:18:18,086 --> 01:18:20,450
A doughnut.
That's for me.
982
01:18:24,119 --> 01:18:28,142
A club sandwich.
That is mine.
983
01:18:30,253 --> 01:18:35,049
And... a hatchet!
984
01:18:35,119 --> 01:18:40,313
""A hatchet as sharp as the devil
himself,"" is what I asked for.
985
01:18:40,386 --> 01:18:43,284
Well, sir-Chester--
you be the judge.
986
01:18:43,353 --> 01:18:46,841
No, no, no, no, no.
I'll be the judge.
987
01:18:46,919 --> 01:18:49,283
Careful, sir.
What do you think?
988
01:18:49,353 --> 01:18:52,285
It's a sharp
motherfucker.
989
01:18:52,353 --> 01:18:56,978
Forget the nails and the twine.
Bring all this other bullshit
over to the bar. Come on.
990
01:18:57,052 --> 01:18:59,882
Let's go. Pronto, man.
You heard him, Ted. Go ahead.
991
01:18:59,952 --> 01:19:02,975
Right you are, sir.
Norman? Yeah?
992
01:19:03,052 --> 01:19:06,814
Yes, it's my job.
Yes, it's my fucking job. You know that.
993
01:19:06,886 --> 01:19:10,046
He wanted to stay out late. I can't--
I went to the Monkey Bar, all right?
994
01:19:10,119 --> 01:19:12,551
Don't yell-I'm not yelling!
995
01:19:12,620 --> 01:19:15,711
Hey! I'm not yellin'!
You're the one that's fuckin' yellin'!
996
01:19:15,785 --> 01:19:20,843
Fuck-Don't hang up on me!
Ellen, please don't hang up on
me. Please don't hang up on me.
997
01:19:20,919 --> 01:19:23,385
Goddamn it! I swear to fucking God,
if you hang up on me--
998
01:19:23,453 --> 01:19:27,351
You cock-fucking New York bitch.
Fuckin' call better be genuine,
'cause I'm gonna get a divorce!
999
01:19:27,419 --> 01:19:29,510
Yo, Leo?
Fuck!
1000
01:19:29,586 --> 01:19:32,983
Another fucking Honeymooners
goin' on in there.
Fuckin', fuckin' shit, man!
1001
01:19:33,052 --> 01:19:36,984
What the fuck is wrong-What the fuck
is wrong with the fuckin' bitch, man?
1002
01:19:37,052 --> 01:19:40,678
I'm gonna take the fuckin' car. I'm
gonna drive up to fuckin' Mulholland.
1003
01:19:40,752 --> 01:19:45,117
I am gonna fuckin' drag her
fuckin' ass and throw her down
Benedict fuckin' Canyon, man!
1004
01:19:45,186 --> 01:19:49,016
You're still married, man?
Yeah. I don't fucking know anymore.
1005
01:19:49,086 --> 01:19:51,813
I swear to Christ, Norman.
I fuckin' swear to God, man.
1006
01:19:51,886 --> 01:19:54,943
What the fuck is wrong--
I treat this fuckin' bitch like
a queen! You know that, man.
1007
01:19:55,019 --> 01:19:57,144
I know that.
So I had a little
fuckin' too much to drink!
1008
01:19:57,219 --> 01:20:00,674
It's fuckin' New Year's Eve. New Year's
Eve. I can't fuckin' drive home.
1009
01:20:00,752 --> 01:20:03,218
Okay, Ellen, I'm sorry.
I'm fuckin' sorry about that.
1010
01:20:03,286 --> 01:20:06,843
What do you want me to do?
Get in a fuckin' car, and go run
over six or seven fuckin' kids?
1011
01:20:06,919 --> 01:20:09,147
That'd be real fuckin' nice.
1012
01:20:09,219 --> 01:20:13,208
Man, what the fuck is the matter
with this bitch?
1013
01:20:13,286 --> 01:20:16,184
Fuck!
1014
01:20:16,253 --> 01:20:18,185
What the fuck
is all this?
1015
01:20:18,253 --> 01:20:20,185
Block of wood, bucket
of ice and a hatchet, sir.
1016
01:20:20,253 --> 01:20:22,980
Get the fuck outta here.
Chester, talk to me. Norman?
1017
01:20:23,052 --> 01:20:26,212
We now return you to
The Man From Rio already in progress.
1018
01:20:26,286 --> 01:20:28,218
Oh, my fucking dick
is hard already.
1019
01:20:28,286 --> 01:20:30,275
Tell me, Norman,
you're gonna do this shit!
1020
01:20:30,353 --> 01:20:33,649
I am gonna do it.
Oh, you are my fuckin' hero.
1021
01:20:33,719 --> 01:20:36,185
They better, after talkin' about it
all night. I wanna see a show.
1022
01:20:36,253 --> 01:20:38,549
Come here.
Give me your motherfuckin'--
All right then.
1023
01:20:38,620 --> 01:20:41,177
Well, if that's everything.
I got Cedars lined up, man.
1024
01:20:41,253 --> 01:20:43,481
I got a doctor waitin'
in the fuckin' emergency.
1025
01:20:43,553 --> 01:20:47,383
Fuck the
emergency, man. I'm gonna grab
his motherfucking car from him.
1026
01:20:47,453 --> 01:20:50,044
Just in case.
Hey, just in fucking case.
1027
01:20:50,119 --> 01:20:52,710
I'll just be off back downstairs, sir.
Not so fast.
1028
01:20:52,785 --> 01:20:55,217
Fuckin' treat that bitch
like a queen, man.
We're gonna walk back...
1029
01:20:55,286 --> 01:20:57,275
to this little bar here.
I told you to dump her, didn't l?
1030
01:20:57,353 --> 01:20:59,716
We're gonna sit down, 'cause
we ain't quite through yet.
1031
01:20:59,785 --> 01:21:03,513
Leo. Sit on this little red stool.
Sit down on this little red stool,
1032
01:21:03,586 --> 01:21:09,212
while I explain the festivities
of the evening to you.
1033
01:21:09,286 --> 01:21:12,184
All right.
Um, sir?
1034
01:21:12,253 --> 01:21:14,185
Uh-huh.
A word in your ear, sir.
1035
01:21:14,253 --> 01:21:16,310
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
Excusez-moi.
1036
01:21:16,386 --> 01:21:19,375
I treat that bitch like a queen, man.
Chester.
1037
01:21:19,453 --> 01:21:21,476
That shit don't help,
treating a woman like a queen.
1038
01:21:21,553 --> 01:21:25,780
I'm fuckin' working.
As long as you
don't break up the furniture,
1039
01:21:25,852 --> 01:21:27,875
I don't give a fuck
what you do.
1040
01:21:27,952 --> 01:21:29,884
Took all your money.
Gonna take your kids and house.
As far as I'm concerned,
1041
01:21:29,952 --> 01:21:32,941
go ahead, trash the place!
1042
01:21:33,019 --> 01:21:35,985
Oh, but, look, let me explain
what we're talkin' about.
1043
01:21:36,052 --> 01:21:38,518
Sir, sir, you don't have
to explain anything to me.
1044
01:21:38,586 --> 01:21:43,314
Whatever constitutes a good
time, as far as you guys are
concerned, that's your business.
1045
01:21:43,386 --> 01:21:47,875
Well, no, it's your business too, Ted,
because we want you to take part.
1046
01:21:50,685 --> 01:21:54,448
Take part in what, sir?
1047
01:21:54,520 --> 01:21:58,350
Chester, your way of breakin'
the news to him gently is
scarin' the fuck outta him.
1048
01:21:58,419 --> 01:22:00,351
Think so?
Just spit it out.
1049
01:22:00,419 --> 01:22:02,385
Okay, okay, here we go.
Okay.
1050
01:22:02,453 --> 01:22:05,180
Thing is, Ted,
first off,
1051
01:22:05,253 --> 01:22:08,048
there's nothing homosexual
about what we want you to do.
1052
01:22:08,119 --> 01:22:10,142
I mean, I was thinkin'
you might be thinkin'...
1053
01:22:10,219 --> 01:22:12,378
that we want you to do somethin'
like weird sex thing,
1054
01:22:12,453 --> 01:22:14,941
you know, like, suck us off,
pee on us, shit like that.
1055
01:22:15,019 --> 01:22:17,178
Nothing, nothing could be
further from the truth.
1056
01:22:17,253 --> 01:22:19,810
Can I just jump in here for a second?
No. No.
1057
01:22:19,886 --> 01:22:22,784
My kind of way of telling him
is kind of going all around the world.
1058
01:22:22,852 --> 01:22:25,114
But it's the journey that's worth it.
Yeah, well, I see that.
1059
01:22:25,186 --> 01:22:28,118
But he's been here for 15
minutes and you have, you know,
talked about everything but--
1060
01:22:28,186 --> 01:22:31,152
What do you care?
Why don't you just shut
the fuck up, bitch?
1061
01:22:31,219 --> 01:22:33,310
""Bitch""?
Bitch!
1062
01:22:33,386 --> 01:22:35,977
Uh, excuse me, aren't you the one who's
being paid to suck his cock, cork boy?
1063
01:22:36,052 --> 01:22:39,882
Whoa!
Cork boy, man! Business card!
1064
01:22:39,952 --> 01:22:42,713
I see a new business card.
1065
01:22:42,785 --> 01:22:45,013
Excuse me, if it
please the court.
1066
01:22:45,086 --> 01:22:49,109
Allow me to present
our intentions to Theodore.
1067
01:22:49,186 --> 01:22:53,050
I second the nomination.
I move that nomination be closed!
1068
01:22:53,119 --> 01:22:55,051
Thank you.
The court is yours, Leo.
1069
01:22:55,119 --> 01:22:57,210
Thank you very much,
Chester.
1070
01:22:57,286 --> 01:23:02,014
Ted, you ever seen any of them
old Alfred Hitchcock episodes?
Yes, sir.
1071
01:23:02,086 --> 01:23:06,212
You ever see the one called The Man From
Rio with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?
1072
01:23:06,286 --> 01:23:08,309
Uh--
Ah, if you saw it, you'd remember it.
1073
01:23:08,386 --> 01:23:10,681
It's called The Man From Rio
with Peter Lorre, Steve McQueen.
1074
01:23:10,752 --> 01:23:13,980
Anyway, Peter Lorre makes
a bet with Steve McQueen...
1075
01:23:14,052 --> 01:23:17,382
that Steve McQueen can't light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row.
1076
01:23:17,453 --> 01:23:20,214
Now, if Steve McQueen lights his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,
1077
01:23:20,286 --> 01:23:22,218
he wins Peter Lorre's
new car.
1078
01:23:22,286 --> 01:23:26,218
But if he does not light his
cigarette lighter ten times in a row,
1079
01:23:26,286 --> 01:23:30,877
Peter Lorre gets to chop off
Steve McQueen's little pinky.
1080
01:23:30,952 --> 01:23:35,112
Norman and Chester here
just made that same bet.
1081
01:23:35,186 --> 01:23:38,346
Norman has bet
his pinky...
1082
01:23:38,419 --> 01:23:42,475
that he can light his cigarette lighter
ten times in a row.
1083
01:23:42,552 --> 01:23:44,484
lf he does,
1084
01:23:44,552 --> 01:23:48,882
he wins Chester's
1964 Chevy Chevelle...
1085
01:23:48,952 --> 01:23:51,884
red, fuckin',
beautiful car.
1086
01:23:51,952 --> 01:23:56,850
lf he doesn't, chop off
his fuckin' pinky. What do you say?
1087
01:24:03,619 --> 01:24:05,551
You guys are drunk.
1088
01:24:05,619 --> 01:24:08,449
Yes!
Of course! Of course we're drunk!
1089
01:24:08,519 --> 01:24:10,451
Teddy, that's why we're here,
but that does not mean...
1090
01:24:10,519 --> 01:24:12,678
that we don't know what the fuck
we're talking about.
1091
01:24:12,752 --> 01:24:14,718
I'm gonna tell you what
the fuck I'm talkin' about.
1092
01:24:14,785 --> 01:24:17,047
I'm gonna tell you what the fuck
I'm talkin' about.
1093
01:24:17,119 --> 01:24:20,279
I drive a motherfucking Honda
that my sister sold me.
1094
01:24:20,353 --> 01:24:25,512
You hear what I'm saying? A little
white motherfuckin' Honda Civic!
1095
01:24:25,585 --> 01:24:27,813
You see this shit?
1096
01:24:27,886 --> 01:24:30,011
""Hollywood's hottest new star--
That's me.
1097
01:24:30,086 --> 01:24:32,382
next to America's
hottest old car.
1098
01:24:32,452 --> 01:24:34,884
That's the car I own.
Are you listenin' to me? Are you?
1099
01:24:34,952 --> 01:24:39,180
Goddamn shit!
Are you listening to me?
1100
01:24:39,253 --> 01:24:41,445
Now you take a good long look
at that there machine...
1101
01:24:41,519 --> 01:24:44,111
that this motherfucker
over here's standin' next to.
1102
01:24:44,186 --> 01:24:49,016
That's a 1964 nigger-red,
ragtop Chevy Chevelle.
1103
01:24:49,086 --> 01:24:53,212
And I love that car more than
I love hips, lips or fingertips.
1104
01:24:53,286 --> 01:24:58,014
Cut to: We're sittin' here
celebratin', gettin' high,
1105
01:24:58,086 --> 01:25:00,382
drinking champagne--
Drinking Cristal.
1106
01:25:00,452 --> 01:25:02,782
When you're drinking champagne,
you're drinking champagne.
1107
01:25:02,852 --> 01:25:05,375
When you're drinking Cristal,
you say you're drinking Cristal.
1108
01:25:05,452 --> 01:25:08,646
Whatever that pissity-ass thing is,
we are drinking it, you know.
1109
01:25:08,719 --> 01:25:10,708
And we are watching TV.
1110
01:25:10,785 --> 01:25:13,217
What, what? Hey, hey, hey.
When all of a sudden,
1111
01:25:13,286 --> 01:25:17,116
we flip on Steve McQueen, Peter
Lorre being fuckin' badasses.
1112
01:25:17,186 --> 01:25:19,118
Badass!
Badasses!
1113
01:25:19,186 --> 01:25:21,981
And I look over at this
funny-looking motherfucker over here,
1114
01:25:22,052 --> 01:25:25,950
and I say, ""l'd do that
for the Chevelle.""
1115
01:25:26,019 --> 01:25:30,713
I'm funny.
And that's when Chester says--
1116
01:25:32,119 --> 01:25:35,516
""Oh, really?""
1117
01:25:38,452 --> 01:25:41,885
Well, you guys wouldn't be doing
something this stupid unless
you were really fucking drunk.
1118
01:25:41,952 --> 01:25:43,941
We already told you
we were drunk, Ted.
1119
01:25:44,019 --> 01:25:45,985
That goes without
motherfucking saying.
1120
01:25:46,052 --> 01:25:48,882
'Cause if we wasn't drunk,
we'd probably chicken out.
1121
01:25:48,952 --> 01:25:51,543
When you're fucked up,
you don't lie.
1122
01:25:51,619 --> 01:25:53,812
Man, you tell
the fuckin' truth.
1123
01:25:53,886 --> 01:25:55,977
You want to know what
the fuckin' truth is?
1124
01:25:56,052 --> 01:25:58,813
The fuckin' truth is, my
lucky Zippo is gonna win me...
1125
01:25:58,886 --> 01:26:01,374
Chester's fucking car.
1126
01:26:01,452 --> 01:26:05,146
Which brings us to your part
in this little wager, Ted.
1127
01:26:05,219 --> 01:26:07,117
I don't have a part, sir.
1128
01:26:11,052 --> 01:26:13,711
That's it. Like my old granddaddy
used to always say,
1129
01:26:13,785 --> 01:26:15,808
""The less a man makes
declarative statements,
1130
01:26:15,886 --> 01:26:18,545
the less apt he is to look
foolish in retrospect.
1131
01:26:18,619 --> 01:26:21,483
That's quite brilliant, sir.
Ah, thank you, thank you, thank you.
1132
01:26:21,552 --> 01:26:24,144
Thing is, there are some inherent
obstacles in this undertaking.
1133
01:26:24,219 --> 01:26:26,309
Aside from the obvious.
1134
01:26:26,385 --> 01:26:30,284
First of which is being
the fact that I'm not like
Peter Lorre on that TV show.
1135
01:26:30,352 --> 01:26:33,716
I'm not some sick fuck travelin'
the countryside collecting fingers.
1136
01:26:33,785 --> 01:26:35,717
All right, you know,
we're all buddies here.
1137
01:26:35,785 --> 01:26:39,342
No one wants Norman to lose his finger.
We just want to chop it off.
1138
01:26:39,418 --> 01:26:41,384
You know, if fate doesn't
smile on old Norman,
1139
01:26:41,452 --> 01:26:44,146
we'll put that fucker on ice,
whisk it right to the hospital,
1140
01:26:44,219 --> 01:26:46,548
where in all likelihood they'll be able
to sew it right back on.
1141
01:26:46,619 --> 01:26:48,847
Well, hopefully, sir.
1142
01:26:48,919 --> 01:26:51,612
Yeah, well, they sewed
that guy's dick back on. They
can sew Norman's pinky back on.
1143
01:26:51,685 --> 01:26:54,015
Yeah, how hard can it be?
Yeah, good point.
1144
01:26:54,086 --> 01:26:56,517
So, Norman, he's,
he's taken care of, you know.
1145
01:26:56,585 --> 01:26:59,051
His interests
have been looked after.
1146
01:26:59,119 --> 01:27:02,812
My interests,
on the other hand, have not.
1147
01:27:02,886 --> 01:27:07,511
I am as emotionally attached to my car
as Norman is physically to his finger.
1148
01:27:07,585 --> 01:27:11,143
That's a very fuckin' piece ofexpensive
machinery I'm putting on this wager.
1149
01:27:11,219 --> 01:27:13,776
And, you know, if I lose, I lose.
That's fine. That's no problem.
1150
01:27:13,852 --> 01:27:17,182
I have no problem with that.
I'm a big boy. I knew exactly
what the hell I was doing.
1151
01:27:17,253 --> 01:27:21,446
But if I win,
I wanna win. All right?
1152
01:27:21,519 --> 01:27:25,849
lf Norman lights his cigarette lighter
ten times in a fuckin' row,
1153
01:27:25,919 --> 01:27:29,715
he's gonna have no emotional problems
whatsoever about taking my car keys.
1154
01:27:29,785 --> 01:27:34,649
But if I win,
1155
01:27:34,719 --> 01:27:39,549
well, it's not inconceivable
that at the last minute...
1156
01:27:39,619 --> 01:27:42,608
maybe neither Leo or l...
1157
01:27:42,685 --> 01:27:46,049
will be able to...
wield the axe.
1158
01:27:46,119 --> 01:27:49,278
A hatchet, sir.
Wield the hatchet.
1159
01:27:49,352 --> 01:27:52,546
Which brings us
full circle to you, Ted.
1160
01:27:52,619 --> 01:27:56,483
Clear-eyed Ted. Sober Ted.
1161
01:27:56,552 --> 01:27:58,780
Complete-stranger Ted.
1162
01:27:58,852 --> 01:28:01,114
lmpartial Ted.
1163
01:28:01,186 --> 01:28:05,550
Just-met-us-and-couldn't-
give-a-fuck-about-us Ted.
1164
01:28:05,619 --> 01:28:10,381
We want you
to be the dice man.
1165
01:28:12,552 --> 01:28:15,450
Hell of a night, huh, Ted?
1166
01:28:18,452 --> 01:28:20,384
l've got to get out of here.
1167
01:28:21,385 --> 01:28:23,715
Money!
1168
01:28:27,552 --> 01:28:31,678
Ted, I got a $100 bill here
with your name on it,
1169
01:28:31,752 --> 01:28:34,650
whether you do
what we ask or not.
1170
01:28:34,719 --> 01:28:37,685
Just to sit back down in
that chair for one minute more.
1171
01:28:37,752 --> 01:28:41,650
I am not gonna cut off
Norman's little pinky!
1172
01:28:41,719 --> 01:28:43,651
Well, maybe you will
and maybe you won't.
1173
01:28:43,719 --> 01:28:46,083
But that has nothin' to do
with this $100 bill in my hand.
1174
01:28:46,153 --> 01:28:49,448
ln fact, you can tell us all
to go fuck off and walk
right out that goddamn door.
1175
01:28:49,519 --> 01:28:51,576
But if you wait 60 seconds
before you do it,
1176
01:28:51,652 --> 01:28:55,141
you're gonna be $100 richer.
1177
01:28:55,218 --> 01:28:57,343
Ted, you're gonna do
whatever you wanna do.
1178
01:28:57,418 --> 01:29:00,907
All we're askin' is that you
indulge us for one minute more.
1179
01:29:00,986 --> 01:29:03,747
My friend Chester here is willing
to pay you for that minute.
1180
01:29:03,819 --> 01:29:07,478
Ted, take the money.
1181
01:29:13,752 --> 01:29:16,616
Now, let me get this straight.
1182
01:29:16,685 --> 01:29:19,412
I sit on that stool, listen
to what you have to say for 60 seconds,
1183
01:29:19,485 --> 01:29:22,451
and I get $100?
Correct.
1184
01:29:22,519 --> 01:29:25,849
And afterwards I can walk out
that door, no hard feelings?
1185
01:29:25,919 --> 01:29:27,851
None whatsoever.
1186
01:29:30,385 --> 01:29:32,317
You got a deal.
1187
01:29:32,385 --> 01:29:35,818
Yes!
Oh, yes, yes! Yes, yes, yes,!
1188
01:29:35,886 --> 01:29:37,818
Ted, good answer.
Sit right down.
1189
01:29:37,886 --> 01:29:41,818
All right. Leo,
you be the timekeeper.
1190
01:29:41,886 --> 01:29:44,852
Norman, give me
your watch.
1191
01:29:44,919 --> 01:29:49,681
Let me know when a minute ends
and when it begins.
1192
01:29:49,752 --> 01:29:51,775
You got it.
Ah.
1193
01:29:51,852 --> 01:29:54,317
Okay.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
1194
01:30:01,752 --> 01:30:04,183
Begin.
Okay, Ted, pay attention here.
1195
01:30:04,252 --> 01:30:07,014
I'm gonna make two piles here
on the bar. One pile which is yours.
1196
01:30:07,086 --> 01:30:09,517
And another pile
which could be yours.
1197
01:30:09,585 --> 01:30:12,176
And what you have to realize
is we're gonna do this thing...
1198
01:30:12,252 --> 01:30:16,309
one way or the other.
1199
01:30:16,385 --> 01:30:20,442
Whether it's you who holds
the axe or a Mexican maid...
1200
01:30:20,519 --> 01:30:23,314
or some bum
we yank off the street.
1201
01:30:23,385 --> 01:30:26,283
You can buy a whole lot
of soup with that pile.
Shh! I'm the closer here.
1202
01:30:26,352 --> 01:30:28,648
All right. I'm a little me--
Um, l've lost count.
1203
01:30:28,719 --> 01:30:30,947
How much is on the bar here?
Six hundred.
1204
01:30:31,019 --> 01:30:36,110
Okay. Ted, do you know how long it takes
the average American to count to 600?
1205
01:30:36,185 --> 01:30:40,311
It's a rhetorical question, Ted.
No, sir.
1206
01:30:40,385 --> 01:30:43,647
About one minute less than
it takes to count to 700.
1207
01:30:43,719 --> 01:30:47,173
Now, Ted, a person's life is filled
with a zillion little experiences.
1208
01:30:47,252 --> 01:30:50,776
Some which are insignificant, have no
meaning, and, you know, you forget them.
1209
01:30:50,852 --> 01:30:55,181
Others which you remember for
the rest of your natural life.
1210
01:30:55,252 --> 01:30:59,947
Now, since what we're proposing
here is so unusual,
1211
01:31:00,019 --> 01:31:03,109
so outside the norm,
1212
01:31:03,185 --> 01:31:07,447
that this is a good bet
that this is going to be one
of those incidents that sticks.
1213
01:31:07,519 --> 01:31:11,451
So, since you're gonna be
stuck remembering this
for the rest of your life,
1214
01:31:11,519 --> 01:31:14,815
you have to decide
what that memory will be.
1215
01:31:14,886 --> 01:31:18,340
So, Ted, are you going to
remember for the next 40 years,
1216
01:31:18,418 --> 01:31:20,407
give or take a decade,
1217
01:31:20,485 --> 01:31:24,815
that you refused $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
1218
01:31:24,886 --> 01:31:30,409
Or that you made $1,000
for one second's worth of work?
1219
01:31:30,485 --> 01:31:32,417
Time!
1220
01:31:32,485 --> 01:31:35,849
So, Ted, what's it gonna be?
1221
01:31:35,919 --> 01:31:38,612
Okay.
Yes!
1222
01:31:38,685 --> 01:31:40,776
Always be closing!
1223
01:31:40,852 --> 01:31:43,818
Whoo!
Right here, right now!
Before I change my mind!
1224
01:31:43,886 --> 01:31:46,511
Hear, hear.
Go. Let's go.
1225
01:31:46,585 --> 01:31:50,244
Get this shit over and done with.
Ahh!
1226
01:31:50,318 --> 01:31:53,580
Perfect, perfect, perfect. This is
one of those moments in time...
1227
01:31:53,652 --> 01:31:56,846
none of us are
ever gonna forget.
1228
01:31:56,919 --> 01:32:00,112
Norman, are you ready?
I'm ready.
1229
01:32:00,185 --> 01:32:03,948
Ted, are you ready?
Ready.
1230
01:32:04,018 --> 01:32:06,984
Okeydokey.
Norman...
1231
01:32:08,185 --> 01:32:10,117
begin.
1232
01:32:10,719 --> 01:32:13,980
Aaah!
1233
01:32:14,051 --> 01:32:16,176
My finger!
My fuckin' finger!
1234
01:32:16,252 --> 01:32:18,184
Chester,
my fuckin' finger, man!
1235
01:32:18,252 --> 01:32:20,184
He cut off my fuckin' finger!
1236
01:32:20,252 --> 01:32:22,979
Oh! It hurts!
1237
01:32:25,051 --> 01:32:28,245
My fuckin' finger, Chester!
He cut off my fuckin' finger!
1238
01:32:28,318 --> 01:32:32,512
Aaah! Oh, Leo!
1239
01:32:39,685 --> 01:32:41,674
Call Cedars, man!
Call fuckin' Cedars!
1240
01:32:41,752 --> 01:32:44,149
Wrap it up! Wrap it up!
1241
01:32:44,218 --> 01:32:47,742
Uh, yes, hi.
Could I talk to Don Levine, please?
1242
01:32:47,819 --> 01:32:52,513
Why'd you let me
do this? Why'd you let me do this?
1243
01:32:55,819 --> 01:32:58,478
What? What do you mean
he's in surgery?
1244
01:32:58,552 --> 01:33:01,177
He was expecting my call.
He was supposed to be there.
1245
01:33:01,252 --> 01:33:05,344
What? Who the fuck has
plastic surgery at 6:30 in
the morning on New Year's Eve?
1246
01:33:09,719 --> 01:33:14,651
Leo! Leo!
I need you to stand still!
I'll be right back! Hold it!
1247
01:33:14,719 --> 01:33:17,912
Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!
All right!
1248
01:33:17,985 --> 01:33:20,508
Oh! Leo!
1249
01:33:23,185 --> 01:33:25,151
I forgot the finger!
I gotta get the--
1250
01:33:25,218 --> 01:33:27,184
It's the finger!
1251
01:33:33,152 --> 01:33:35,812
I got the finger!
I got it! I got it!
1252
01:33:39,152 --> 01:33:41,414
Here! I got the finger
right here! You're on it!
1253
01:33:41,485 --> 01:33:44,280
Come on, come on!
The fuckin' door's closin'!
1254
01:33:44,352 --> 01:33:46,841
Here. Just put
some fuckin' ice in it.
1255
01:33:46,918 --> 01:33:48,851
All right, let's go.
Let's go! Let's go!
1256
01:33:48,918 --> 01:33:50,851
Let's go! Come on!
Get up, get up!
1257
01:33:50,918 --> 01:33:52,975
I'm gonna go back to my room.
Are you comin' or not?
1258
01:33:53,051 --> 01:33:54,983
No, it's been fun. I'll see ya.
Oh!
1259
01:33:55,051 --> 01:33:56,983
Close the fuckin' door!
98390
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