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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:18,583 ( chattering ) 2 00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,542 - ( music playing ) - ( audience cheering ) 3 00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,542 Thank you. 4 00:00:43,542 --> 00:00:46,250 Oh, my gosh. 5 00:00:51,333 --> 00:00:53,500 Are you kidding me? 6 00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:58,750 My goodness. 7 00:01:01,542 --> 00:01:03,291 ( chuckles ) 8 00:01:03,291 --> 00:01:06,125 Wow, thank you. 9 00:01:06,125 --> 00:01:09,583 - People are like, "Tig!" - ( audience laughs ) 10 00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:12,750 "Why are you shooting your special in Boston?" 11 00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:15,125 ( audience laughs ) 12 00:01:15,125 --> 00:01:16,959 Woman: Whoo! 13 00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:18,542 I'll tell ya something, 14 00:01:18,542 --> 00:01:21,500 my grandfather... 15 00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,333 was originally from Boston. 16 00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:27,125 ( audience cheers ) 17 00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:29,000 And my mother 18 00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,917 lived in Boston 19 00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:34,625 when she was a tiny, little person. 20 00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:38,959 - Man: Whoo! - And this rug... 21 00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:46,959 Hear me out. This rug I am standing on 22 00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:49,667 has been in my family 23 00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,500 since the 1800s 24 00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:54,375 and was in my mother's house in Boston 25 00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,708 - in the '40s. - ( audience cheers ) 26 00:01:58,792 --> 00:02:03,291 Why am I shooting my special... 27 00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,708 in Boston? 28 00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:13,041 - I wanted to show you my rug. - ( audience laughs ) 29 00:02:16,166 --> 00:02:19,417 Why am I shooting my special in Boston? 30 00:02:19,417 --> 00:02:23,375 No more stupid questions. 31 00:02:23,375 --> 00:02:26,750 ( laughs ) Please. 32 00:02:28,208 --> 00:02:29,542 I performed in Las Vegas 33 00:02:29,542 --> 00:02:34,041 and, um, when you do stand-up in Vegas, 34 00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:37,125 typically, you have to do an entire week, 35 00:02:37,125 --> 00:02:38,792 seven nights in a row, 36 00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,333 two shows a night. 37 00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:43,875 There's an early show and a late show, 38 00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:47,500 and I bombed 39 00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,291 all 14... 40 00:02:50,291 --> 00:02:52,250 ( audience laughs ) 41 00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:55,458 ...shows. 42 00:02:55,458 --> 00:02:58,000 And I'm not a huge drinker and I don't really gamble, 43 00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,083 so I didn't know what to do between the early and late show. 44 00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:05,083 So the first night I thought I'd hang out in my hotel room, 45 00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:08,291 but it was so far away from the venue 46 00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:10,417 that I only had enough time 47 00:03:10,417 --> 00:03:16,583 to walk back to my room... 48 00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:21,458 stand like this for two minutes... 49 00:03:22,625 --> 00:03:27,250 and then head back to the Comedy Club. 50 00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,959 The rest of the time, I thought, 51 00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:33,959 "I'll just sit in the back corner of the club, 52 00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,959 hang out between the shows, 53 00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:39,667 and just kill time having a glass of water." 54 00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:42,625 I'm sitting there 55 00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,208 and my agent 56 00:03:45,208 --> 00:03:49,291 calls me to tell me 57 00:03:49,291 --> 00:03:51,625 that the venue 58 00:03:51,625 --> 00:03:53,583 called him 59 00:03:53,583 --> 00:03:57,291 to say that they thought 60 00:03:57,291 --> 00:04:00,125 it was weird... 61 00:04:00,125 --> 00:04:02,250 ( audience laughs ) 62 00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:06,250 ...that I was just sitting in the back corner... 63 00:04:07,625 --> 00:04:08,875 and could I please leave 64 00:04:08,875 --> 00:04:11,959 and go find something else to do. 65 00:04:15,417 --> 00:04:18,125 So, again, I'm sitting there, my phone rings, 66 00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,500 I'm like, "Hey, what's going on?" 67 00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:27,125 ( audience laughs ) 68 00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:34,333 "Oh. 69 00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:37,125 Okay." 70 00:04:43,625 --> 00:04:44,834 So humiliating! 71 00:04:44,834 --> 00:04:45,917 It's not like that call 72 00:04:45,917 --> 00:04:48,750 came from some far-off headquarters someplace. 73 00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:54,375 That call came from inside the club. 74 00:04:54,375 --> 00:04:57,333 I'm certain the guy was looking through a little window 75 00:04:57,333 --> 00:05:00,834 staring at me with disgust on his face. 76 00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:05,000 Just like, "Ugh, tell her to get out of here. 77 00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,708 Yeah, I'm sick of looking at her face." 78 00:05:10,417 --> 00:05:13,792 I still didn't know where to go or what to do. 79 00:05:13,792 --> 00:05:17,625 So I took the escalator down to the first floor 80 00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:22,834 and there's an ice cream shop down there. 81 00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:25,959 And I'm an adult. 82 00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:29,625 I just-- personally, I don't sit alone 83 00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:32,417 in ice cream shops 84 00:05:32,417 --> 00:05:35,959 - just... - ( audience laughs ) 85 00:05:44,125 --> 00:05:46,583 And let me be certain... 86 00:05:46,583 --> 00:05:48,500 to not use... 87 00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:53,542 the object that is the exact shape... 88 00:05:55,542 --> 00:05:58,125 of an ice cream cone. 89 00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:07,792 ( audience laughing ) 90 00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:23,333 So I finished my ice cream cone, 91 00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:25,667 I took the escalator back up, 92 00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:28,125 I did the final show, 93 00:06:28,125 --> 00:06:31,583 and, of course, I bombed. 94 00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:34,834 I got offstage. 95 00:06:34,834 --> 00:06:37,208 I shook hands with the audience members. 96 00:06:37,208 --> 00:06:40,500 And they were just like... 97 00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:46,375 "We hate you." 98 00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:49,750 I was like, "Feeling is mutual." 99 00:06:49,750 --> 00:06:54,083 I said goodbye to the other comedians. They hated me, too. 100 00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:58,125 Then I went into the office and got paid. 101 00:06:59,625 --> 00:07:04,125 Then I walked all the way back to my hotel room. 102 00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:07,500 I put my pajamas on. 103 00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:11,542 I had little pigs flying all over my pants. 104 00:07:12,542 --> 00:07:17,125 I looked so adorable. 105 00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:21,625 It was like my one tiny victory for the whole week. 106 00:07:22,917 --> 00:07:27,542 And then I went into the bathroom to brush my tooth. 107 00:07:31,041 --> 00:07:35,458 And that's when I caught my reflection in the mirror 108 00:07:35,458 --> 00:07:39,000 and saw that I had 109 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,792 a full-blown 110 00:07:41,792 --> 00:07:45,834 chocolate mustache on my face. 111 00:07:47,583 --> 00:07:51,041 I was like, "No!" 112 00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:54,750 My brain starts replaying everything 113 00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:56,917 that had just happened to me. 114 00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:01,625 I was onstage for an entire hour... 115 00:08:01,625 --> 00:08:03,542 bombing... 116 00:08:03,542 --> 00:08:08,000 with a chocolate mustache on my face. 117 00:08:09,458 --> 00:08:13,667 And then remember all up close and personal, I was... 118 00:08:17,208 --> 00:08:20,208 Not one person... 119 00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:23,041 was like, "Oh. 120 00:08:23,041 --> 00:08:25,667 You have..." 121 00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:28,458 "You..." Uh-uh, nobody told me. 122 00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:31,583 And then I went into the office 123 00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:34,708 to get paid... 124 00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:39,667 by the guy that I am certain 125 00:08:39,667 --> 00:08:42,583 made that original phone call 126 00:08:42,583 --> 00:08:44,542 telling me to please leave 127 00:08:44,542 --> 00:08:47,417 and go find something else to do. 128 00:08:49,708 --> 00:08:52,542 Guess who found something else to do? 129 00:08:52,542 --> 00:08:55,917 - Woman: Whoo! - Me. 130 00:08:55,917 --> 00:08:57,542 I did. 131 00:08:57,542 --> 00:09:01,125 I went and treated myself to a little chocolate ice cream. 132 00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:05,083 What is my problem? 133 00:09:05,083 --> 00:09:07,542 I am six years from 50. 134 00:09:07,542 --> 00:09:10,041 Can I not just glance in the mirror 135 00:09:10,041 --> 00:09:12,834 before I go onstage? 136 00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:16,125 What is my to-do list every night? 137 00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:25,667 Belly full of ice cream. 138 00:09:25,667 --> 00:09:27,834 Check. 139 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,083 - Head onstage. - ( audience laughs ) 140 00:09:40,542 --> 00:09:44,708 What did the owner of the club think as I sat there 141 00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:49,041 across the desk in a tiny office 142 00:09:49,041 --> 00:09:52,000 with a chocolate mustache on my face? 143 00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,417 A grown woman... 144 00:09:54,417 --> 00:09:59,500 wanting to get paid for 14 bombed shows. 145 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:02,458 Holding out my little paw. 146 00:10:15,917 --> 00:10:19,000 Did he think that I just grabbed an ice cream cone 147 00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,417 out of the hand of a small child, 148 00:10:21,417 --> 00:10:24,291 slammed it in my own face, 149 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,667 hopped back up onstage? 150 00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:30,000 Not so funny anymore, is it, Vegas? 151 00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,583 I'm nuts. 152 00:10:37,041 --> 00:10:41,500 Or did he think that I was trying to disguise myself... 153 00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:45,667 with a fake mustache, 154 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:49,917 trying to sneak back into the venue he had kicked me out of? 155 00:10:56,875 --> 00:11:01,250 Sorry, this bit goes as long as whatever stage I'm on. 156 00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:08,834 ( whistling ) 157 00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,750 Oh, great, there's stairs. 158 00:11:11,750 --> 00:11:13,792 ( groans ) 159 00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:18,708 Guys, relax! 160 00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:21,875 Relax, I'm just a person. 161 00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:29,708 What if somebody walked into the show right now... 162 00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:33,792 and they didn't recognize me? 163 00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:38,000 "I thought Tig was supposed to be taping her special. 164 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,166 Where did she go? 165 00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,834 Where's Tig?" 166 00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:45,250 Guys, it's me. 167 00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:46,917 It's me. 168 00:11:46,917 --> 00:11:48,458 It's me. 169 00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:52,542 Uh, where did Tig go? 170 00:11:52,542 --> 00:11:54,458 Where did Tig go? 171 00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:56,250 Where did Tig go? 172 00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:58,667 Let me see your little belly. 173 00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:02,125 Where did Tig go? Oh, there I am. 174 00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:05,166 Oh, you guys are dumb. 175 00:12:08,708 --> 00:12:10,959 Oh, my gosh. 176 00:12:10,959 --> 00:12:13,083 As a comedian, people always ask me 177 00:12:13,083 --> 00:12:16,458 what makes me laugh really hard. 178 00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:20,375 And, um, I was making a video one time. 179 00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:23,708 Just like a funny sketch with a friend of mine 180 00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:27,500 where at the end he ends up in a bathtub 181 00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,500 with Santa Claus. 182 00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:33,583 And there are websites that you can go on 183 00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,792 and find your perfect, ideal Santa, 184 00:12:36,792 --> 00:12:40,792 click on him, hire him for all your Santa Claus needs. 185 00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,583 We could not find the perfect Santa Claus. 186 00:12:45,583 --> 00:12:48,333 And he said, "Do you mind if we take a break 187 00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:51,834 and go to McDonald's so I can get a couple hamburgers? 188 00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:53,166 And then we'll come back." 189 00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:55,500 And I said, "Man, whatever you need." 190 00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:59,125 We go through the drive-thru, he gets his hamburgers. 191 00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:01,542 He said, "I cannot wait to eat these. 192 00:13:01,542 --> 00:13:03,458 Do you mind if we just sit here 193 00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:05,250 and I eat 'em and then we go back?" 194 00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:08,750 I said again, "Whatever you need." 195 00:13:08,750 --> 00:13:12,834 So he backs his car into this space 196 00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:17,041 and we're now looking out over the entire McDonald's parking lot 197 00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:19,875 and I see this woman off in the distance 198 00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:21,667 acting utterly insane. 199 00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:24,500 And I said, 200 00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,667 "What do you think she's doing?" 201 00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,667 And he said, "I don't know, 202 00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:30,708 but I'm gonna film her." 203 00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:34,959 He gets his phone out, he presses record, 204 00:13:34,959 --> 00:13:38,959 and you guys are me and him in the car looking through the windshield. 205 00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:42,333 The second he pressed record, 206 00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:46,792 a boat of a car drove past us 207 00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:50,083 and a man turned 208 00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:53,208 and it was Santa Claus. 209 00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,750 And I yelled, "Oh, my God, it's Santa Claus!" 210 00:13:55,750 --> 00:14:00,208 And he yelled, "Oh, my God, do you think he'll talk to us?" 211 00:14:00,208 --> 00:14:03,250 And then he shut off the phone, we peel out 212 00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:06,333 and just haul ass chasing Santa Claus 213 00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:07,667 down the street. 214 00:14:07,667 --> 00:14:10,291 And we come up next to him at the light 215 00:14:10,291 --> 00:14:12,917 and I realize in that moment I hadn't thought about 216 00:14:12,917 --> 00:14:15,667 what I was gonna say when we caught him. 217 00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,291 And I said, "Hi. 218 00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:23,250 Um, you know who you look like, right?" 219 00:14:24,542 --> 00:14:28,083 And he said, "Santa Claus." 220 00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:30,583 And I said, "Yes." 221 00:14:30,583 --> 00:14:33,291 I said, "My friend and I are making a video 222 00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:36,625 and we wanted to hire you to be in it." 223 00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,792 He hands me his business card 224 00:14:39,792 --> 00:14:42,291 and as he's driving off 225 00:14:42,291 --> 00:14:43,959 I look at it 226 00:14:43,959 --> 00:14:45,917 and it said his name 227 00:14:45,917 --> 00:14:50,458 at some very conservative church dot-org. 228 00:14:50,458 --> 00:14:53,250 And I said, "Oh, man. 229 00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:56,959 This guy is not gonna get into a bathtub with you." 230 00:15:01,375 --> 00:15:04,125 Or maybe he will. 231 00:15:05,875 --> 00:15:08,834 So we drive off feeling defeated 232 00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:13,083 and then I start thinking about that video from earlier. 233 00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:15,458 And I started laughing. 234 00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:19,125 And I asked him to pull the car over to play it back for us 235 00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:20,500 and he said, "Why?" 236 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:23,166 And I said, "Because I feel confident 237 00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:24,834 that we captured 238 00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:30,125 the most ridiculous footage 239 00:15:30,125 --> 00:15:35,000 since the beginning of time." 240 00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,542 And then he started thinking about it 241 00:15:37,542 --> 00:15:40,792 and then we were both hunched over 242 00:15:40,792 --> 00:15:44,291 laughing so hard, hyperventilating, 243 00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:50,250 crying, trying to push each other away from each other. 244 00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:55,000 We were laughing so hard, we both became ugly people. 245 00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,125 And we still hadn't even seen the video yet. 246 00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,959 And then he pulls the car over 247 00:16:01,959 --> 00:16:04,208 and he presses play 248 00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:07,500 and you don't see that woman off in the distance. 249 00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,458 It's like she was never a part of this. 250 00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:12,708 The second he pressed play, 251 00:16:12,708 --> 00:16:16,583 the only thing that you see... 252 00:16:18,291 --> 00:16:20,959 is a boat of a car 253 00:16:20,959 --> 00:16:23,208 driving past us 254 00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:25,875 and a man turning... 255 00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:28,750 and you hear me 256 00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:31,208 earnestly... 257 00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:36,917 yell, "Oh, my God, it's Santa Claus!" 258 00:16:36,917 --> 00:16:40,333 And you see my hand just dart up into the video. 259 00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,083 And then you hear my friend, 260 00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:46,208 a full-grown man, 261 00:16:46,208 --> 00:16:50,208 yell, "Oh, my God, do you think he'll talk to us?" 262 00:16:56,542 --> 00:16:59,041 And then it just shuts out. 263 00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:09,250 If anybody came across that video footage 264 00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:12,750 with zero backstory, 265 00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:16,166 it truly appears 266 00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:21,708 as though two full-grown buffoons... 267 00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:28,083 thought that they saw Santa Claus. 268 00:17:29,708 --> 00:17:33,750 And what is my friend's history with Santa Claus... 269 00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:37,750 that his response... 270 00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:43,750 would be, "Oh, my God, do you think he'll talk to us?" 271 00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:51,792 Just an entire lifetime of him running up to Santa 272 00:17:51,792 --> 00:17:55,291 only to be met with... 273 00:18:00,583 --> 00:18:02,750 But Santa-- 274 00:18:11,834 --> 00:18:14,959 I love everybody's little laugh noises. 275 00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:20,667 My favorite laugh noise is, um, the sigh 276 00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,834 after the laugh. 277 00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:26,291 The... ( sighs ) 278 00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,375 ( laughs ) 279 00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:32,291 ( sighs ) 280 00:18:34,166 --> 00:18:38,834 'Cause it's like you're reminiscing about one second ago. 281 00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:42,917 ( laughs ) 282 00:18:42,917 --> 00:18:45,208 ( sighs ) 283 00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:50,166 Remember one second ago? 284 00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:55,667 ( sighs ) 285 00:18:56,959 --> 00:18:59,750 Yeah, that was a good time. 286 00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:02,291 Yeah. 287 00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:05,291 My other favorite laugh noise 288 00:19:05,291 --> 00:19:07,583 is the pig snort. 289 00:19:07,583 --> 00:19:12,250 You know, when somebody is just really enjoying themselves. 290 00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:14,834 and then... ( snorts ) 291 00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:18,000 Because I'm always curious, 292 00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,375 is that something they decided to do? 293 00:19:22,125 --> 00:19:24,834 Like a calculated decision. 294 00:19:24,834 --> 00:19:29,959 Or are they just as surprised as we are... 295 00:19:31,291 --> 00:19:37,875 ...when a pig snort flies out of their face? 296 00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:41,875 I like to think it's the other option 297 00:19:41,875 --> 00:19:45,375 where they're just like, "You know what? 298 00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:49,875 I have been laughing... 299 00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:53,417 and smiling... 300 00:19:53,417 --> 00:19:56,041 and clapping 301 00:19:56,041 --> 00:19:57,917 all night, 302 00:19:57,917 --> 00:20:00,583 but I still feel 303 00:20:00,583 --> 00:20:04,917 like she doesn't get... 304 00:20:04,917 --> 00:20:08,583 how much I get her. 305 00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,458 Think I'm gonna go ahead and snort like a pig. 306 00:20:16,375 --> 00:20:18,750 Yeah, this, uh-- this story she's telling, 307 00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,250 this is actually one of my favorites I was telling-- 308 00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:23,458 oh, hold on one second." 309 00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,417 ( snorts ) 310 00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:33,708 "Love your stuff." 311 00:20:33,708 --> 00:20:35,834 ( snorts ) 312 00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,291 My dream situation 313 00:20:45,291 --> 00:20:48,291 is actually the-- at the end of the night 314 00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:49,792 when the lights go on 315 00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:52,750 that there is an actual pig in the audience. 316 00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:56,667 Just out on the town, pantless, 317 00:20:56,667 --> 00:20:59,959 clanking its little cloven hooves together. 318 00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:03,166 Sitting on its little curlicue. 319 00:21:04,083 --> 00:21:06,708 Comes up to me at the end of the night, 320 00:21:06,708 --> 00:21:09,792 "Hey, um, that was me." 321 00:21:11,083 --> 00:21:15,166 I, uh-- I can't laugh, so I snort. 322 00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:17,875 Sure, I can talk... 323 00:21:19,083 --> 00:21:21,041 but I wanted to say 324 00:21:21,041 --> 00:21:23,917 I really liked that part earlier 325 00:21:23,917 --> 00:21:28,500 when you were talking about having little pigs on your pants. 326 00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,417 Anyway, I don't wanna keep you, 327 00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,667 I just-- I really just wanted to say... 328 00:21:37,625 --> 00:21:40,667 I just wanted to say pig fan, pig fan. 329 00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:46,166 Boston, that's a terrible joke. I'm sorry. 330 00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,000 ( laughs ) Sorry, I'm just up here being a ham 331 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,542 and I-- I'm sor-- that's too much, 332 00:21:55,542 --> 00:21:56,625 you're right. ( chuckles ) 333 00:21:56,625 --> 00:22:00,000 Too many puns eventually becomes a "boar" 334 00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,166 and I don't wanna-- 335 00:22:01,166 --> 00:22:04,041 don't shake your head at me. 336 00:22:04,041 --> 00:22:07,208 I will reimburse you. I am sorry. 337 00:22:11,375 --> 00:22:13,083 I'm originally from Mississippi. 338 00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:15,083 - Man: Whoo! - Um... 339 00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,291 ( audience laughs ) 340 00:22:17,291 --> 00:22:18,917 Settle down, everyone. 341 00:22:21,417 --> 00:22:23,417 I'm originally from Mississippi 342 00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:27,166 and, um, my fiancée 343 00:22:27,166 --> 00:22:29,917 - is, um... - ( audience cheering ) 344 00:22:32,583 --> 00:22:33,708 Thank you. Um... 345 00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:37,083 - He is from... - ( audience laughs ) 346 00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:46,542 Okay. 347 00:22:53,083 --> 00:22:57,458 She was raised in Los Angeles and New York 348 00:22:57,458 --> 00:23:01,083 and I invited her back to Mississippi 349 00:23:01,083 --> 00:23:05,750 to spend the holidays with me and my extended family. 350 00:23:05,750 --> 00:23:08,083 And before the trip, 351 00:23:08,083 --> 00:23:11,458 she said, um, 352 00:23:11,458 --> 00:23:13,291 "No offense, but..." 353 00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:18,166 And I said, "Yes, what is this flattering thing you're about to say?" 354 00:23:19,959 --> 00:23:23,125 She said, "When I picture people from Mississippi, 355 00:23:23,125 --> 00:23:25,667 I picture them barefoot." 356 00:23:28,291 --> 00:23:30,166 Thank you. 357 00:23:31,708 --> 00:23:35,125 And I said, "Okay, I get it, but, um, 358 00:23:35,125 --> 00:23:39,667 my family is civilized. 359 00:23:39,667 --> 00:23:42,208 They have homes 360 00:23:42,208 --> 00:23:44,500 and jobs 361 00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,333 and shoes, 362 00:23:46,333 --> 00:23:47,875 but I hear ya." 363 00:23:47,875 --> 00:23:51,333 So I was down there hanging out before she arrived, 364 00:23:51,333 --> 00:23:55,333 and when you fly in to visit my town, 365 00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:57,792 you fly in to the New Orleans airport. 366 00:23:57,792 --> 00:24:01,959 And all 11 of my family members 367 00:24:01,959 --> 00:24:03,458 piled into a van 368 00:24:03,458 --> 00:24:07,041 to drive into the French Quarter to hang out, 369 00:24:07,041 --> 00:24:09,625 wait until she arrived. 370 00:24:09,625 --> 00:24:13,166 And I finally was like, "Oh, yeah, she's gonna be landing soon. 371 00:24:13,166 --> 00:24:14,667 We gotta go." 372 00:24:14,667 --> 00:24:16,375 All 11 of them 373 00:24:16,375 --> 00:24:19,708 piled back into the van with their beers-- 374 00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,000 I don't know if you know, but it is legal down there 375 00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,875 to have open containers in vehicles. 376 00:24:25,875 --> 00:24:27,000 They all get in. 377 00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,667 They also brought a cooler 378 00:24:29,667 --> 00:24:32,667 iced down with extra beer 379 00:24:32,667 --> 00:24:36,083 just for the drive to the airport. 380 00:24:37,250 --> 00:24:40,750 I offered to be the sober driver, 381 00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:46,875 not that anybody in my family cared either way. 382 00:24:46,875 --> 00:24:49,500 They were just like, "Okay, nerd." 383 00:24:51,625 --> 00:24:55,083 So we pull up curbside 384 00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:56,792 at baggage claim 385 00:24:56,792 --> 00:25:00,708 and I get out and say, "I will be right back." 386 00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:04,375 I go in, I find her. 387 00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:07,917 We're walking out chatting. 388 00:25:07,917 --> 00:25:09,291 She looks up... 389 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,166 and she said, "Is that your family?" 390 00:25:15,166 --> 00:25:16,917 I look up 391 00:25:16,917 --> 00:25:20,041 and all 11 of them 392 00:25:20,041 --> 00:25:22,333 have gotten out of the van. 393 00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,875 They're smoking and drinking, 394 00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:27,750 they're waving wildly, 395 00:25:27,750 --> 00:25:29,750 so excited to meet her. 396 00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:34,083 They've pulled the cooler out onto the sidewalk. 397 00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:40,625 And they were barefoot. 398 00:25:44,625 --> 00:25:47,125 After walking around the French Quarter all day, 399 00:25:47,125 --> 00:25:50,792 they took their shoes off on the drive to get her. 400 00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:54,417 So there I was... 401 00:25:56,208 --> 00:25:58,125 ...having to say, "Yes, 402 00:25:58,125 --> 00:26:02,458 that is my civilized family... 403 00:26:03,208 --> 00:26:04,750 ...that I told you about. 404 00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:09,458 There they are in all of their glory." 405 00:26:09,458 --> 00:26:12,834 So we have the holidays, Christmas, whatever, 406 00:26:12,834 --> 00:26:15,750 she and I are driving out of town together 407 00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:17,875 and, uh, I asked her if, uh-- 408 00:26:17,875 --> 00:26:19,834 a couple years ago my mother passed away 409 00:26:19,834 --> 00:26:23,000 and we buried her in our hometown in Mississippi 410 00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:27,250 and I asked if we could go visit her grave. 411 00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:29,166 And she said of course. 412 00:26:29,166 --> 00:26:31,166 And just to back up a little more, 413 00:26:31,166 --> 00:26:34,500 when my stepfather and I were driving away from the funeral, 414 00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:37,792 he told me, 415 00:26:37,792 --> 00:26:40,000 "When your mother died, 416 00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,583 they were offering a really good deal 417 00:26:44,583 --> 00:26:47,792 on burial plots. 418 00:26:48,667 --> 00:26:51,959 I ended up getting six 419 00:26:51,959 --> 00:26:54,500 for a thousand dollars." 420 00:26:56,708 --> 00:26:59,000 He said, "I got one for your mother, 421 00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,250 I got one for me, 422 00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:03,542 I got one for you, 423 00:27:03,542 --> 00:27:06,125 I got one for your brother, 424 00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:09,500 and then I got two extras." 425 00:27:13,250 --> 00:27:14,750 Man: Whoo! 426 00:27:16,542 --> 00:27:20,208 I said, "That is serious bargain shopping 427 00:27:20,208 --> 00:27:24,083 just to toss in two extra burial plots." 428 00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:26,166 And he said, "Well, I thought I would get those 429 00:27:26,166 --> 00:27:29,542 in case you or your brother, if you had partners one day." 430 00:27:29,542 --> 00:27:31,583 And I said, "Oh, well, thank you, 431 00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:33,208 but still..." 432 00:27:36,542 --> 00:27:40,708 So my girlfriend and I pull up to the graveyard, 433 00:27:40,708 --> 00:27:43,708 we get out of the car... 434 00:27:46,417 --> 00:27:49,875 we walk over, we're standing there. 435 00:27:52,875 --> 00:27:54,959 She's looking around. 436 00:27:54,959 --> 00:27:57,542 She said, "This is really beautiful." 437 00:28:00,417 --> 00:28:05,125 She said, "So is it just-- is it just this right here?" 438 00:28:05,125 --> 00:28:08,417 And I said, "Well..." ( exhales ) 439 00:28:08,417 --> 00:28:11,250 "That's the thing, um... 440 00:28:12,291 --> 00:28:14,542 When my mother died, 441 00:28:14,542 --> 00:28:17,750 they were offering a really good deal. 442 00:28:20,750 --> 00:28:24,000 Six plots for a thousand dollars. 443 00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,250 So my stepfather... 444 00:28:27,250 --> 00:28:30,792 my mother, she's just buried right here, 445 00:28:30,792 --> 00:28:32,750 but he got hers, 446 00:28:32,750 --> 00:28:35,834 and then one for him, 447 00:28:35,834 --> 00:28:37,917 he got one for me, 448 00:28:37,917 --> 00:28:40,792 he got one for my brother. 449 00:28:40,792 --> 00:28:43,291 And then, um... 450 00:28:50,792 --> 00:28:53,291 He got two extras... 451 00:28:54,583 --> 00:28:57,250 ...in case we had partners. 452 00:28:58,542 --> 00:29:00,625 So, um... 453 00:29:02,291 --> 00:29:04,458 I guess, um... 454 00:29:05,792 --> 00:29:08,750 I guess that's where you'll be gay buried. 455 00:29:16,625 --> 00:29:19,208 Barefoot in Mississippi, 456 00:29:19,208 --> 00:29:22,500 just like you always imagined." 457 00:29:24,667 --> 00:29:28,834 She thought it was some twisted marriage proposal. 458 00:29:30,875 --> 00:29:32,208 After my mother passed away, 459 00:29:32,208 --> 00:29:35,083 I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer, 460 00:29:35,083 --> 00:29:40,041 um, but I have not told anybody yet. 461 00:29:40,041 --> 00:29:42,166 ( audience laughs ) 462 00:29:44,041 --> 00:29:46,959 You're the first people to find out. 463 00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:52,208 Wow, that's a very cold response. 464 00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:57,542 ( sighs ) 465 00:29:59,041 --> 00:30:01,875 I ended up having a double mastectomy, 466 00:30:01,875 --> 00:30:03,166 and, um, 467 00:30:03,166 --> 00:30:07,500 before my surgery, I was already relatively flat-chested. 468 00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:11,667 And, uh, I made so many jokes over the years 469 00:30:11,667 --> 00:30:14,625 about how small my boobs were 470 00:30:14,625 --> 00:30:17,750 that I started to think 471 00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,041 that maybe 472 00:30:20,041 --> 00:30:24,041 my boobs overheard me... 473 00:30:27,917 --> 00:30:30,750 and were just like, "Pfft. 474 00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:34,041 You know what? 475 00:30:35,125 --> 00:30:37,375 We're sick of this. 476 00:30:40,208 --> 00:30:42,542 Let's kill her." 477 00:30:48,792 --> 00:30:51,625 I'm always thrown off by the clapping. 478 00:30:55,750 --> 00:30:58,125 Whoo, take her down! 479 00:31:02,417 --> 00:31:05,583 I did a show where this woman sat front row 480 00:31:05,583 --> 00:31:09,542 with her arms crossed shaking her head at me. 481 00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:11,917 And I said, "Is there something wrong?" 482 00:31:11,917 --> 00:31:14,458 And she said, 483 00:31:14,458 --> 00:31:17,000 "You should end your jokes 484 00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,625 with 'I'm just kidding.'" 485 00:31:24,792 --> 00:31:26,917 Oh, right, right. 486 00:31:26,917 --> 00:31:29,959 I don't know why I never thought about that. 487 00:31:30,875 --> 00:31:32,875 That is a great idea. 488 00:31:32,875 --> 00:31:34,875 I'm just kidding. 489 00:31:34,875 --> 00:31:37,542 I'm not kid-- I really did have cancer, 490 00:31:37,542 --> 00:31:41,875 I just-- I don't really think that my boobs 491 00:31:41,875 --> 00:31:45,959 were conspiring to kill me. 492 00:31:48,750 --> 00:31:51,083 That I'm kidding about. 493 00:31:55,959 --> 00:31:58,250 ( sighs ) Yeah. 494 00:31:59,333 --> 00:32:01,834 Oh, we remember. 495 00:32:04,458 --> 00:32:06,917 Before I had my double mastectomy, 496 00:32:06,917 --> 00:32:11,333 I, um-- I would sometimes be mistaken for a man. 497 00:32:11,333 --> 00:32:14,041 And, um, that's fine. 498 00:32:14,041 --> 00:32:17,208 But then after the surgery, 499 00:32:17,208 --> 00:32:19,166 it went up a bit. 500 00:32:19,166 --> 00:32:21,917 I was going through security at the airport 501 00:32:21,917 --> 00:32:23,708 and, um... 502 00:32:23,708 --> 00:32:26,083 they said, "Female assist," 503 00:32:26,083 --> 00:32:30,458 which means they have to have a female officer pat me down extra. 504 00:32:30,458 --> 00:32:32,834 And so this woman comes over 505 00:32:32,834 --> 00:32:36,834 and she comes in, just-- 506 00:32:36,834 --> 00:32:39,500 and I didn't have reconstructive surgery. 507 00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:41,542 I just-- she was like... 508 00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:44,375 ( audience laughs ) 509 00:32:48,166 --> 00:32:51,458 She didn't feel a boob or... 510 00:32:51,458 --> 00:32:53,708 a bra or anything. 511 00:32:53,708 --> 00:32:56,041 And she said, "Hold on a second." 512 00:32:56,041 --> 00:33:00,500 And she walked only maybe this far away. 513 00:33:01,834 --> 00:33:04,959 And she whispered something to the other officer. 514 00:33:04,959 --> 00:33:07,375 And I just heard him say, 515 00:33:07,375 --> 00:33:10,458 "Yes, I'm positive." 516 00:33:10,458 --> 00:33:12,500 ( audience laughs ) 517 00:33:15,417 --> 00:33:17,834 So she comes back over 518 00:33:17,834 --> 00:33:19,583 and she's like... 519 00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:24,250 But this time she stopped 520 00:33:24,250 --> 00:33:26,500 before she touched me 521 00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:28,917 and she looked up... 522 00:33:28,917 --> 00:33:31,417 at my face... 523 00:33:31,417 --> 00:33:34,500 She really took it in. 524 00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:37,000 But apparently, 525 00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,291 that was not helpful 526 00:33:40,291 --> 00:33:42,750 at all. 527 00:33:42,750 --> 00:33:46,542 - And she said, "Hold on a second." - ( audience laughing ) 528 00:33:46,542 --> 00:33:49,417 She walks back over 529 00:33:49,417 --> 00:33:53,792 and whispers something again to the officer 530 00:33:53,792 --> 00:33:56,208 and he just says, "Yes." 531 00:33:56,208 --> 00:33:58,458 And the thing is, 532 00:33:58,458 --> 00:34:02,834 I knew exactly what was happening 533 00:34:02,834 --> 00:34:06,542 and I knew that all I needed to do 534 00:34:06,542 --> 00:34:09,542 was speak... 535 00:34:09,542 --> 00:34:13,041 and then she would know that I was female. 536 00:34:13,041 --> 00:34:16,500 But I just did not 537 00:34:16,500 --> 00:34:19,458 - wanna help her out... - ( audience laughing ) 538 00:34:19,458 --> 00:34:23,417 - Man: Whoo! - ( audience cheering ) 539 00:34:23,417 --> 00:34:24,834 ...at all. 540 00:34:24,834 --> 00:34:29,792 I was enjoying the awkwardness so much. 541 00:34:29,792 --> 00:34:33,291 I just loved standing there like... 542 00:34:42,917 --> 00:34:47,125 She finally came back over and said, "You're good." 543 00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:50,291 And I walked off saying, 544 00:34:50,291 --> 00:34:53,333 ( imitates deep voice) "Uh, thank you. Thank you very much." 545 00:34:55,625 --> 00:34:59,458 Oh, my gosh, you guys are so nice. 546 00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:02,208 I, um... 547 00:35:02,208 --> 00:35:06,375 - have really been s-- - ( audience catcalls ) 548 00:35:06,375 --> 00:35:11,333 - Do not tempt me. - ( audience laughs ) 549 00:35:11,333 --> 00:35:14,834 - I will do it. I will-- I will... - ( audience cheering ) 550 00:35:14,834 --> 00:35:18,125 Guys-- guys, no. 551 00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:23,166 ( audience cheering ) 552 00:35:25,208 --> 00:35:29,041 Of course I'm not gonna take my shirt off on my sp-- 553 00:35:29,041 --> 00:35:31,583 ( audience groans, cheers ) 554 00:35:33,750 --> 00:35:35,875 - ( man whistling ) - No. 555 00:35:39,583 --> 00:35:42,000 ( audience cheering ) 556 00:35:58,917 --> 00:36:01,542 Woman: Whoo! 557 00:36:06,417 --> 00:36:08,583 So... 558 00:36:12,417 --> 00:36:15,083 ( man whistling ) 559 00:36:19,708 --> 00:36:21,834 I'll tell you, I, uh-- 560 00:36:21,834 --> 00:36:23,875 I am afraid to fly 561 00:36:23,875 --> 00:36:27,792 and I-- I am. Sure, laugh all you want, 562 00:36:27,792 --> 00:36:31,583 but I-- I'm very afraid to fly 563 00:36:31,583 --> 00:36:37,375 and I went on a plane that seated maybe only six people. 564 00:36:37,375 --> 00:36:40,667 And you c-- it was so tiny 565 00:36:40,667 --> 00:36:43,750 that you could only kind of crouch 566 00:36:43,750 --> 00:36:46,208 to get through the plane. 567 00:36:46,208 --> 00:36:47,917 And, um... 568 00:36:47,917 --> 00:36:49,750 oh, my God, it was so small. 569 00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:52,625 And once we got to our cruising altitude, 570 00:36:52,625 --> 00:36:55,166 we're flying along and the pilot, 571 00:36:55,166 --> 00:36:57,083 who's just sitting right there, 572 00:36:57,083 --> 00:36:59,291 he's just like, "Hey, how's it going?" 573 00:36:59,291 --> 00:37:01,500 And, um... ( laughs ) 574 00:37:01,500 --> 00:37:03,834 You do your thing, I'll do mine. 575 00:37:05,417 --> 00:37:07,834 He gets out of his seat 576 00:37:07,834 --> 00:37:10,458 and just is like, 577 00:37:10,458 --> 00:37:13,333 "Let me show you 578 00:37:13,333 --> 00:37:17,250 where the emergency toilet is." 579 00:37:17,250 --> 00:37:18,834 And I said, 580 00:37:18,834 --> 00:37:21,792 - "I'll decide where the emergency toilet is." - ( audience laughing ) 581 00:37:25,834 --> 00:37:29,000 "How about here? How about this is the emergency toilet? 582 00:37:30,917 --> 00:37:35,166 Or how about right here? This could be the emergency toilet. 583 00:37:35,166 --> 00:37:39,583 How about anywhere I decide is the emergency toilet? 584 00:37:39,583 --> 00:37:43,333 This entire flight feels like an emergency. 585 00:37:43,333 --> 00:37:48,542 Just one huge emergency toilet flying through the air. 586 00:37:49,625 --> 00:37:53,542 Now go sit back down, you joker. 587 00:37:53,542 --> 00:37:57,083 Don't you worry about the emergency toilet." 588 00:37:57,083 --> 00:38:00,667 I love on, um, commercial flights 589 00:38:00,667 --> 00:38:04,500 when, um, you're seated in the emergency exit row 590 00:38:04,500 --> 00:38:06,875 and the flight attendant's like, 591 00:38:06,875 --> 00:38:08,458 "You know, just wondering 592 00:38:08,458 --> 00:38:10,417 if in the event of an emergency, 593 00:38:10,417 --> 00:38:13,542 you'd be willing to help out." 594 00:38:15,208 --> 00:38:18,333 And I'm like, "Pfft... 595 00:38:20,083 --> 00:38:22,375 Totally. 596 00:38:24,375 --> 00:38:26,750 If you need anything, 597 00:38:26,750 --> 00:38:29,041 you come grab me. 598 00:38:31,417 --> 00:38:35,208 But I was just wondering if maybe we could wait and see 599 00:38:35,208 --> 00:38:38,250 what kind of shape I'm in 600 00:38:38,250 --> 00:38:42,000 after the plane plummets 30,000 feet. 601 00:38:43,708 --> 00:38:46,875 'Cause I don't even know if I'm gonna be sitting here anymore. 602 00:38:48,542 --> 00:38:52,834 But absolutely, you come grab me if you need anything." 603 00:38:52,834 --> 00:38:55,917 Are they really gonna hold me to that? 604 00:38:55,917 --> 00:39:00,250 Where's that woman from 12 E? 605 00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:04,041 Where's that guy from 12 E? 606 00:39:05,750 --> 00:39:09,208 Nah, he said he'd help us out. 607 00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:14,291 I'm just off in the distance gathering my own body parts. 608 00:39:18,291 --> 00:39:20,959 Did somebody need something? 609 00:39:22,417 --> 00:39:26,375 I did give a verbal confirmation, so... 610 00:39:27,542 --> 00:39:30,625 Carrying my own head in my hand. 611 00:39:30,625 --> 00:39:34,875 Yeah, just let me know what I can do for ya. 612 00:39:36,750 --> 00:39:40,417 Oh, man, flying, huh? 613 00:39:41,959 --> 00:39:45,417 ( audience cheering ) 614 00:39:54,458 --> 00:39:57,834 I've been traveling around so much 615 00:39:57,834 --> 00:39:59,125 and, um, 616 00:39:59,125 --> 00:40:01,125 I've noticed in the States-- 617 00:40:01,125 --> 00:40:03,667 I haven't really noticed it so much 618 00:40:03,667 --> 00:40:05,458 overseas anywhere, 619 00:40:05,458 --> 00:40:07,250 but in the US 620 00:40:07,250 --> 00:40:09,458 I've noticed these signs 621 00:40:09,458 --> 00:40:12,458 showing up at public pools. 622 00:40:12,458 --> 00:40:16,291 And, um, I'm sure plenty of you have seen these, 623 00:40:16,291 --> 00:40:18,708 and they say 624 00:40:18,708 --> 00:40:23,000 that you cannot go swimming 625 00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,500 if you have diarrhea. 626 00:40:26,834 --> 00:40:30,166 Raise your hand if you've seen these signs. 627 00:40:30,166 --> 00:40:32,125 Yes, these are actual signs. 628 00:40:32,125 --> 00:40:34,166 And my question is 629 00:40:34,166 --> 00:40:39,125 how frequently was this happening? 630 00:40:40,959 --> 00:40:43,000 But, more importantly, 631 00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:47,458 how confident of a person 632 00:40:47,458 --> 00:40:50,458 do you have to be... 633 00:40:52,208 --> 00:40:55,667 to be like, "Oh, man. 634 00:41:03,417 --> 00:41:05,667 Oh, man." ( exhales ) 635 00:41:06,500 --> 00:41:09,250 "I do not feel well. 636 00:41:13,917 --> 00:41:17,417 Doctor said I should definitely stay home. 637 00:41:20,125 --> 00:41:22,875 Stick near the toilet. 638 00:41:26,166 --> 00:41:29,542 - But you know what?" - ( audience laughs ) 639 00:41:31,708 --> 00:41:35,166 "I'm gonna head down to the public pool. 640 00:41:36,875 --> 00:41:40,333 Go swim around. 641 00:41:40,333 --> 00:41:43,875 With full blown diarrhea." 642 00:41:47,333 --> 00:41:49,625 They're just like, "Hey! 643 00:41:49,625 --> 00:41:52,125 Out of the pool!" 644 00:41:57,750 --> 00:42:00,000 Me? 645 00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,875 Yeah, you can't swim with diarrhea. 646 00:42:09,375 --> 00:42:12,375 Oh, so this is a problem? 647 00:42:14,583 --> 00:42:17,875 Yeah, gotta get out of the pool. 648 00:42:22,041 --> 00:42:23,917 Listen... 649 00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:27,000 if you don't want me swimming 650 00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,625 with diarrhea, 651 00:42:29,625 --> 00:42:33,125 then you're gonna need to hang up a sign. 652 00:42:39,291 --> 00:42:42,583 Otherwise, there's just no possible way... 653 00:42:44,625 --> 00:42:47,417 ( chuckles ) I would know better. 654 00:42:47,417 --> 00:42:50,625 So until that goes... 655 00:42:54,291 --> 00:42:56,625 Thank you so much. 656 00:42:56,625 --> 00:42:57,792 No, no, no, no. 657 00:42:57,792 --> 00:43:00,500 I'm not-- I'm not leaving, I'm not leaving. 658 00:43:01,625 --> 00:43:02,792 I have a weird delivery. 659 00:43:02,792 --> 00:43:04,792 - It... - ( audience laughing ) 660 00:43:04,792 --> 00:43:07,250 I've had it my whole life, my whole career. 661 00:43:07,250 --> 00:43:10,667 Sounds like I'm leaving, but I'm just saying thank you. 662 00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:18,208 It's kind of like you guys really got that, thanks! 663 00:43:19,708 --> 00:43:22,875 ( sighs ) I have a gift for you all. 664 00:43:22,875 --> 00:43:26,667 Uh, something that brings me a lot of joy in my life. 665 00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:28,083 I wanna give it to you 666 00:43:28,083 --> 00:43:31,166 so that you can experience the happiness 667 00:43:31,166 --> 00:43:33,333 that I do. 668 00:43:33,333 --> 00:43:35,667 I love... 669 00:43:35,667 --> 00:43:40,083 sending text messages to friends of mine 670 00:43:40,083 --> 00:43:43,250 at random times of the day 671 00:43:43,250 --> 00:43:47,792 that just say, "What's your ETA?" 672 00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,959 I just love knowing that somewhere across town 673 00:43:57,959 --> 00:44:00,959 somebody is half-naked 674 00:44:00,959 --> 00:44:03,208 frantically rifling 675 00:44:03,208 --> 00:44:06,000 through emails and text messages 676 00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:09,041 trying to figure out 677 00:44:09,041 --> 00:44:11,333 what they agreed to do with me. 678 00:44:13,166 --> 00:44:15,708 And they write back, "What?" 679 00:44:16,834 --> 00:44:18,542 And then write back, 680 00:44:18,542 --> 00:44:21,875 "Yeah, we're all seated. Better hurry." 681 00:44:26,208 --> 00:44:29,000 And then they write back, "Where?" 682 00:44:31,125 --> 00:44:33,583 And then don't respond. 683 00:44:33,583 --> 00:44:35,500 Ever again. 684 00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:38,875 Cut them out of your life. Delete them from your phone. 685 00:44:38,875 --> 00:44:41,417 Just move on. It was time. 686 00:44:41,417 --> 00:44:44,959 It was time and you both knew it. 687 00:44:47,417 --> 00:44:50,750 - Thank you! - ( audience laughs ) 688 00:44:52,834 --> 00:44:55,375 Thank you so much. 689 00:45:01,667 --> 00:45:03,875 Thank you so much for coming out tonight. 690 00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:12,291 ( sighs ) 691 00:45:12,291 --> 00:45:15,041 I've been doing stand-up for almost 20 years now 692 00:45:15,041 --> 00:45:19,583 and... every show I've ever done... 693 00:45:20,667 --> 00:45:23,083 whether it was a coffee shop, 694 00:45:23,083 --> 00:45:24,708 an open mic, 695 00:45:24,708 --> 00:45:27,542 a sold-out theater, 696 00:45:27,542 --> 00:45:30,125 a college, 697 00:45:30,125 --> 00:45:31,834 a club, 698 00:45:31,834 --> 00:45:35,542 every single show I've ever done, 699 00:45:35,542 --> 00:45:39,875 - I've gotten a standing ovation. - ( audience laughing ) 700 00:45:39,875 --> 00:45:42,667 Oh, sure, laugh all you want. 701 00:45:44,625 --> 00:45:46,417 Even in Vegas 702 00:45:46,417 --> 00:45:49,959 I got 14 standing ovations. 703 00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:54,458 You might be thinking, "I had a good time tonight, 704 00:45:54,458 --> 00:45:59,333 but not like-- not 'standing ovation' good time." 705 00:45:59,333 --> 00:46:02,250 Everybody thinks that. 706 00:46:02,250 --> 00:46:05,250 Everybody thinks that and then sure enough, 707 00:46:05,250 --> 00:46:09,500 the show ends and everyone jumps to their feet 708 00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:12,500 and they're yelling, "Tig! 709 00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:14,583 We love you! 710 00:46:14,583 --> 00:46:20,166 This is the best comedy show we've ever seen in our lives." 711 00:46:20,166 --> 00:46:23,792 And I'm just like, "I'm just a person. 712 00:46:24,708 --> 00:46:27,333 Please be seated." 713 00:46:27,333 --> 00:46:29,667 And they won't. 714 00:46:29,667 --> 00:46:31,834 And that goes on 715 00:46:31,834 --> 00:46:36,333 for three minutes every single time. 716 00:46:38,500 --> 00:46:41,542 So I'm just giving you a heads up what's to come. 717 00:46:41,542 --> 00:46:44,041 ( audience laughing ) 718 00:46:48,500 --> 00:46:50,000 I love music. 719 00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,708 ( audience laughing ) 720 00:46:57,750 --> 00:47:01,333 I've never detected a punch line there. 721 00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:06,041 Maybe I should listen more. 722 00:47:06,041 --> 00:47:08,375 ( man laughing loudly ) 723 00:47:10,208 --> 00:47:13,375 Sounded like a cartoon character showed up. 724 00:47:13,375 --> 00:47:16,875 ( imitates laughing ) 725 00:47:19,750 --> 00:47:22,333 I like your style, ha, ha, ha! 726 00:47:22,333 --> 00:47:27,041 That was funny, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! 727 00:47:27,041 --> 00:47:30,583 I can barely take this, I'm laughing so hard. 728 00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:32,917 Ha, ha, ha! 729 00:47:32,917 --> 00:47:36,041 That's all I wanted, to laugh. 730 00:47:40,458 --> 00:47:42,583 I do-- I do love music 731 00:47:42,583 --> 00:47:47,083 and, um, I would constantly write down all the lyrics 732 00:47:47,083 --> 00:47:48,083 to every Beatles song. 733 00:47:48,083 --> 00:47:50,250 Like put the record on, take the needle off, 734 00:47:50,250 --> 00:47:52,375 and write the lyrics down, put the needle back on. 735 00:47:52,375 --> 00:47:55,625 Just every song. Obsessed. 736 00:47:55,625 --> 00:47:59,208 And my grandmother ended up having Alzheimer's 737 00:47:59,208 --> 00:48:03,667 and she collected anything that we touched growing up. 738 00:48:03,667 --> 00:48:06,542 And towards the end of her life when I was an adult, 739 00:48:06,542 --> 00:48:08,792 she called me into her bedroom. 740 00:48:08,792 --> 00:48:12,041 And she pulled out this box and this paper. 741 00:48:12,041 --> 00:48:15,875 She said, "You wrote this for me 742 00:48:15,875 --> 00:48:19,291 - when you were little." - ( audience laughing ) 743 00:48:19,291 --> 00:48:23,708 And it was "When I'm 64." 744 00:48:23,708 --> 00:48:27,667 And I had to sit there and take credit... 745 00:48:30,834 --> 00:48:33,625 for a Lennon and McCartney tune. 746 00:48:33,625 --> 00:48:38,166 I was like, "Oh, that's right. I forgot about that one." 747 00:48:38,166 --> 00:48:40,375 ( chuckles ) "You like that, huh? 748 00:48:40,375 --> 00:48:44,208 If so, I have a huge catalogue of other-- 749 00:48:44,208 --> 00:48:47,500 other songs I think you might like." 750 00:48:50,166 --> 00:48:53,041 In sixth grade, I took a music class 751 00:48:53,041 --> 00:48:56,542 and, um, we were lectured about anywhere 752 00:48:56,542 --> 00:48:59,750 from The Who to Beethoven. 753 00:48:59,750 --> 00:49:02,333 We played instruments, we read books. 754 00:49:02,333 --> 00:49:05,208 And at the end of every session, 755 00:49:05,208 --> 00:49:07,417 the teacher would always ask 756 00:49:07,417 --> 00:49:10,000 if somebody had a favorite song they wanted to play. 757 00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:13,959 And I always brought in Beatles and Rolling Stones songs. 758 00:49:13,959 --> 00:49:15,959 And one day, 759 00:49:15,959 --> 00:49:20,250 the coolest kid in the entire school-- 760 00:49:20,250 --> 00:49:22,542 his name was J.D.-- 761 00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:24,500 - and he came... - ( audience chuckles ) 762 00:49:26,333 --> 00:49:28,500 Oh, that's funny to you? 763 00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:31,083 That is a child's name. 764 00:49:33,250 --> 00:49:37,125 A child that is 44 now, but it's still a child's name. 765 00:49:37,125 --> 00:49:38,750 What is your name? 766 00:49:38,750 --> 00:49:40,250 - Chris. - Chris. 767 00:49:40,250 --> 00:49:44,750 - The coolest kid in the entire school... - ( audience laughing ) 768 00:49:44,750 --> 00:49:46,875 was named Chris. 769 00:49:47,834 --> 00:49:48,792 How does that feel? 770 00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:53,166 Doesn't feel good, does it, Chris? No. 771 00:49:58,208 --> 00:50:00,583 J.D. came up to me after class 772 00:50:00,583 --> 00:50:01,917 and he said, "If I bring in 773 00:50:01,917 --> 00:50:05,166 one of my dad's Rolling Stones records, 774 00:50:05,166 --> 00:50:08,417 will you tell me the coolest song on the album to play?" 775 00:50:08,417 --> 00:50:11,208 And I said, "Pfft... 776 00:50:12,250 --> 00:50:14,625 No question." 777 00:50:16,250 --> 00:50:17,708 The next day, 778 00:50:17,708 --> 00:50:22,458 J.D. brought in his dad's Rolling Stones album "Let It Bleed." 779 00:50:22,458 --> 00:50:24,875 And I looked it over... 780 00:50:25,792 --> 00:50:28,125 and I picked this song and said, 781 00:50:28,125 --> 00:50:30,250 "This is the coolest song on the album." 782 00:50:30,250 --> 00:50:33,041 And it was "You Can't Always Get What You Want." 783 00:50:33,041 --> 00:50:35,041 And he said, "Are you positive 784 00:50:35,041 --> 00:50:37,250 that this is the best song, 785 00:50:37,250 --> 00:50:38,959 the coolest song on the album?" 786 00:50:38,959 --> 00:50:42,250 I was like, "Man, I couldn't be more positive." 787 00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:45,792 And then the teacher asked 788 00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:49,542 if anyone had brought in their favorite song to play. 789 00:50:49,542 --> 00:50:51,500 And J.D. raised his hand 790 00:50:51,500 --> 00:50:53,542 and she called on him. 791 00:50:53,542 --> 00:50:57,041 And that's when everybody 792 00:50:57,041 --> 00:50:58,917 in sixth grade 793 00:50:58,917 --> 00:51:02,208 heard the coolest kid 794 00:51:02,208 --> 00:51:04,625 in the entire school 795 00:51:04,625 --> 00:51:06,000 play this. 796 00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:11,792 ♪ I saw her today at the reception ♪ 797 00:51:11,792 --> 00:51:15,417 - J.D. was like, "What the hell is this?" - ( audience laughing ) 798 00:51:15,417 --> 00:51:18,875 And I was like, "No, no, it gets better." 799 00:51:18,875 --> 00:51:24,375 ♪ I knew she would meet her connection ♪ 800 00:51:24,375 --> 00:51:30,083 ♪ At her feet was a footloose man ♪ 801 00:51:30,083 --> 00:51:36,250 ♪ No, you can't always get what you want ♪ 802 00:51:36,250 --> 00:51:41,875 ♪ You can't always get what you want ♪ 803 00:51:41,875 --> 00:51:47,917 ♪ You can't always get what you want ♪ 804 00:51:47,917 --> 00:51:51,291 ♪ But if you try sometime ♪ 805 00:51:51,291 --> 00:51:53,625 ♪ You'll find ♪ 806 00:51:53,625 --> 00:51:56,834 ♪ You can get what you need... ♪ 807 00:51:56,834 --> 00:52:00,166 - And then the bell rang. - ( audience laughing ) 808 00:52:00,166 --> 00:52:03,333 - Boston, thank you so much. - ( audience cheering ) 809 00:52:03,333 --> 00:52:06,417 You're such a great audience. 810 00:52:06,417 --> 00:52:07,750 What? 811 00:52:07,750 --> 00:52:10,875 I told you. 812 00:52:10,875 --> 00:52:12,959 Please, be seated. 813 00:52:12,959 --> 00:52:15,041 Please, be seated. 814 00:52:15,041 --> 00:52:16,708 I'm just a person. 815 00:52:16,708 --> 00:52:19,333 I'm just a person. Touch me. 816 00:52:19,333 --> 00:52:21,542 I'm just a person. 817 00:52:21,542 --> 00:52:23,500 Please, be seated. 818 00:52:30,875 --> 00:52:32,542 Please, be seated. 819 00:52:33,792 --> 00:52:37,208 No, I'm just a person. Touch me. 820 00:52:40,708 --> 00:52:44,041 Thank you so much, really. 821 00:52:49,208 --> 00:52:51,750 Just two more minutes. 822 00:52:53,250 --> 00:52:55,917 Please, be seated. I'm just a person. 823 00:52:55,917 --> 00:52:58,083 I'm just a person. 824 00:53:01,917 --> 00:53:06,083 - That person said, "I know, I know." - ( audience laughs ) 825 00:53:08,959 --> 00:53:11,583 What do you mean, "you know"? 826 00:53:14,542 --> 00:53:16,625 "I know." 827 00:53:21,208 --> 00:53:24,291 Nobody's shaking their fist. 828 00:53:28,583 --> 00:53:30,083 Boston. 829 00:53:30,083 --> 00:53:33,333 Settle down. I'm just a person. 830 00:53:35,083 --> 00:53:37,417 Thank you. Thank you. 831 00:53:39,375 --> 00:53:41,625 Thank you. Thank you. 832 00:53:50,792 --> 00:53:52,583 Good night. 833 00:54:07,750 --> 00:54:10,959 ( music playing ) 834 00:54:50,208 --> 00:54:52,792 ( music ends ) 55447

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