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1
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:18,583
( chattering )
2
00:00:24,792 --> 00:00:27,542
- ( music playing )
- ( audience cheering )
3
00:00:42,083 --> 00:00:43,542
Thank you.
4
00:00:43,542 --> 00:00:46,250
Oh, my gosh.
5
00:00:51,333 --> 00:00:53,500
Are you kidding me?
6
00:00:55,333 --> 00:00:58,750
My goodness.
7
00:01:01,542 --> 00:01:03,291
( chuckles )
8
00:01:03,291 --> 00:01:06,125
Wow, thank you.
9
00:01:06,125 --> 00:01:09,583
- People are like, "Tig!"
- ( audience laughs )
10
00:01:09,583 --> 00:01:12,750
"Why are you shooting
your special in Boston?"
11
00:01:12,750 --> 00:01:15,125
( audience laughs )
12
00:01:15,125 --> 00:01:16,959
Woman:
Whoo!
13
00:01:16,959 --> 00:01:18,542
I'll tell ya something,
14
00:01:18,542 --> 00:01:21,500
my grandfather...
15
00:01:21,500 --> 00:01:24,333
was originally from Boston.
16
00:01:24,333 --> 00:01:27,125
( audience cheers )
17
00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:29,000
And my mother
18
00:01:29,000 --> 00:01:31,917
lived in Boston
19
00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:34,625
when she was a tiny,
little person.
20
00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:38,959
- Man: Whoo!
- And this rug...
21
00:01:41,333 --> 00:01:46,959
Hear me out.
This rug I am standing on
22
00:01:46,959 --> 00:01:49,667
has been in my family
23
00:01:49,667 --> 00:01:51,500
since the 1800s
24
00:01:51,500 --> 00:01:54,375
and was in my mother's house
in Boston
25
00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:56,708
- in the '40s.
- ( audience cheers )
26
00:01:58,792 --> 00:02:03,291
Why am I shooting
my special...
27
00:02:05,500 --> 00:02:07,708
in Boston?
28
00:02:09,500 --> 00:02:13,041
- I wanted to show you my rug.
- ( audience laughs )
29
00:02:16,166 --> 00:02:19,417
Why am I shooting
my special in Boston?
30
00:02:19,417 --> 00:02:23,375
No more stupid questions.
31
00:02:23,375 --> 00:02:26,750
( laughs )
Please.
32
00:02:28,208 --> 00:02:29,542
I performed in Las Vegas
33
00:02:29,542 --> 00:02:34,041
and, um, when you do
stand-up in Vegas,
34
00:02:34,041 --> 00:02:37,125
typically, you have to do
an entire week,
35
00:02:37,125 --> 00:02:38,792
seven nights in a row,
36
00:02:38,792 --> 00:02:40,333
two shows a night.
37
00:02:40,333 --> 00:02:43,875
There's an early show
and a late show,
38
00:02:43,875 --> 00:02:47,500
and I bombed
39
00:02:47,500 --> 00:02:50,291
all 14...
40
00:02:50,291 --> 00:02:52,250
( audience laughs )
41
00:02:52,250 --> 00:02:55,458
...shows.
42
00:02:55,458 --> 00:02:58,000
And I'm not a huge drinker
and I don't really gamble,
43
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,083
so I didn't know what to do
between the early
and late show.
44
00:03:01,083 --> 00:03:05,083
So the first night
I thought I'd hang out
in my hotel room,
45
00:03:05,083 --> 00:03:08,291
but it was so far away
from the venue
46
00:03:08,291 --> 00:03:10,417
that I only had
enough time
47
00:03:10,417 --> 00:03:16,583
to walk back
to my room...
48
00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:21,458
stand like this
for two minutes...
49
00:03:22,625 --> 00:03:27,250
and then head back
to the Comedy Club.
50
00:03:29,125 --> 00:03:30,959
The rest of the time,
I thought,
51
00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:33,959
"I'll just sit
in the back corner
of the club,
52
00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,959
hang out
between the shows,
53
00:03:35,959 --> 00:03:39,667
and just kill time
having a glass of water."
54
00:03:39,667 --> 00:03:42,625
I'm sitting there
55
00:03:42,625 --> 00:03:45,208
and my agent
56
00:03:45,208 --> 00:03:49,291
calls me to tell me
57
00:03:49,291 --> 00:03:51,625
that the venue
58
00:03:51,625 --> 00:03:53,583
called him
59
00:03:53,583 --> 00:03:57,291
to say
that they thought
60
00:03:57,291 --> 00:04:00,125
it was weird...
61
00:04:00,125 --> 00:04:02,250
( audience laughs )
62
00:04:02,250 --> 00:04:06,250
...that I was just sitting
in the back corner...
63
00:04:07,625 --> 00:04:08,875
and could I please leave
64
00:04:08,875 --> 00:04:11,959
and go find
something else to do.
65
00:04:15,417 --> 00:04:18,125
So, again, I'm sitting there,
my phone rings,
66
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:20,500
I'm like,
"Hey, what's going on?"
67
00:04:24,667 --> 00:04:27,125
( audience laughs )
68
00:04:32,333 --> 00:04:34,333
"Oh.
69
00:04:35,458 --> 00:04:37,125
Okay."
70
00:04:43,625 --> 00:04:44,834
So humiliating!
71
00:04:44,834 --> 00:04:45,917
It's not like
that call
72
00:04:45,917 --> 00:04:48,750
came from some far-off
headquarters someplace.
73
00:04:48,750 --> 00:04:54,375
That call came
from inside the club.
74
00:04:54,375 --> 00:04:57,333
I'm certain the guy
was looking through
a little window
75
00:04:57,333 --> 00:05:00,834
staring at me
with disgust on his face.
76
00:05:00,834 --> 00:05:05,000
Just like, "Ugh, tell her
to get out of here.
77
00:05:06,125 --> 00:05:08,708
Yeah, I'm sick
of looking at her face."
78
00:05:10,417 --> 00:05:13,792
I still didn't know
where to go or what to do.
79
00:05:13,792 --> 00:05:17,625
So I took the escalator
down to the first floor
80
00:05:17,625 --> 00:05:22,834
and there's
an ice cream shop
down there.
81
00:05:22,834 --> 00:05:25,959
And I'm an adult.
82
00:05:25,959 --> 00:05:29,625
I just-- personally,
I don't sit alone
83
00:05:29,625 --> 00:05:32,417
in ice cream shops
84
00:05:32,417 --> 00:05:35,959
- just...
- ( audience laughs )
85
00:05:44,125 --> 00:05:46,583
And let me be certain...
86
00:05:46,583 --> 00:05:48,500
to not use...
87
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:53,542
the object
that is the exact shape...
88
00:05:55,542 --> 00:05:58,125
of an ice cream cone.
89
00:06:05,583 --> 00:06:07,792
( audience laughing )
90
00:06:20,417 --> 00:06:23,333
So I finished
my ice cream cone,
91
00:06:23,333 --> 00:06:25,667
I took the escalator
back up,
92
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:28,125
I did the final show,
93
00:06:28,125 --> 00:06:31,583
and, of course,
I bombed.
94
00:06:32,625 --> 00:06:34,834
I got offstage.
95
00:06:34,834 --> 00:06:37,208
I shook hands
with the audience members.
96
00:06:37,208 --> 00:06:40,500
And they were just like...
97
00:06:43,625 --> 00:06:46,375
"We hate you."
98
00:06:46,375 --> 00:06:49,750
I was like,
"Feeling is mutual."
99
00:06:49,750 --> 00:06:54,083
I said goodbye
to the other comedians.
They hated me, too.
100
00:06:55,125 --> 00:06:58,125
Then I went
into the office
and got paid.
101
00:06:59,625 --> 00:07:04,125
Then I walked
all the way back
to my hotel room.
102
00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:07,500
I put my pajamas on.
103
00:07:07,500 --> 00:07:11,542
I had little pigs
flying all over my pants.
104
00:07:12,542 --> 00:07:17,125
I looked so adorable.
105
00:07:17,125 --> 00:07:21,625
It was like
my one tiny victory
for the whole week.
106
00:07:22,917 --> 00:07:27,542
And then I went
into the bathroom
to brush my tooth.
107
00:07:31,041 --> 00:07:35,458
And that's when I caught
my reflection in the mirror
108
00:07:35,458 --> 00:07:39,000
and saw that I had
109
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:41,792
a full-blown
110
00:07:41,792 --> 00:07:45,834
chocolate mustache
on my face.
111
00:07:47,583 --> 00:07:51,041
I was like, "No!"
112
00:07:51,041 --> 00:07:54,750
My brain starts replaying
everything
113
00:07:54,750 --> 00:07:56,917
that had
just happened to me.
114
00:07:58,333 --> 00:08:01,625
I was onstage
for an entire hour...
115
00:08:01,625 --> 00:08:03,542
bombing...
116
00:08:03,542 --> 00:08:08,000
with a chocolate mustache
on my face.
117
00:08:09,458 --> 00:08:13,667
And then remember
all up close and personal,
I was...
118
00:08:17,208 --> 00:08:20,208
Not one person...
119
00:08:20,208 --> 00:08:23,041
was like, "Oh.
120
00:08:23,041 --> 00:08:25,667
You have..."
121
00:08:25,667 --> 00:08:28,458
"You..."
Uh-uh, nobody told me.
122
00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:31,583
And then I went
into the office
123
00:08:31,583 --> 00:08:34,708
to get paid...
124
00:08:35,500 --> 00:08:39,667
by the guy
that I am certain
125
00:08:39,667 --> 00:08:42,583
made that original
phone call
126
00:08:42,583 --> 00:08:44,542
telling me
to please leave
127
00:08:44,542 --> 00:08:47,417
and go find
something else to do.
128
00:08:49,708 --> 00:08:52,542
Guess who found
something else to do?
129
00:08:52,542 --> 00:08:55,917
- Woman: Whoo!
- Me.
130
00:08:55,917 --> 00:08:57,542
I did.
131
00:08:57,542 --> 00:09:01,125
I went and treated myself
to a little chocolate ice cream.
132
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:05,083
What is my problem?
133
00:09:05,083 --> 00:09:07,542
I am six years from 50.
134
00:09:07,542 --> 00:09:10,041
Can I not
just glance in the mirror
135
00:09:10,041 --> 00:09:12,834
before I go onstage?
136
00:09:12,834 --> 00:09:16,125
What is my to-do list
every night?
137
00:09:22,750 --> 00:09:25,667
Belly full of ice cream.
138
00:09:25,667 --> 00:09:27,834
Check.
139
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:36,083
- Head onstage.
- ( audience laughs )
140
00:09:40,542 --> 00:09:44,708
What did the owner
of the club think
as I sat there
141
00:09:44,708 --> 00:09:49,041
across the desk
in a tiny office
142
00:09:49,041 --> 00:09:52,000
with a chocolate mustache
on my face?
143
00:09:52,000 --> 00:09:54,417
A grown woman...
144
00:09:54,417 --> 00:09:59,500
wanting to get paid
for 14 bombed shows.
145
00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:02,458
Holding out
my little paw.
146
00:10:15,917 --> 00:10:19,000
Did he think
that I just grabbed
an ice cream cone
147
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:21,417
out of the hand
of a small child,
148
00:10:21,417 --> 00:10:24,291
slammed it
in my own face,
149
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:26,667
hopped back up onstage?
150
00:10:26,667 --> 00:10:30,000
Not so funny anymore,
is it, Vegas?
151
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,583
I'm nuts.
152
00:10:37,041 --> 00:10:41,500
Or did he think
that I was trying
to disguise myself...
153
00:10:43,375 --> 00:10:45,667
with a fake mustache,
154
00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:49,917
trying to sneak
back into the venue
he had kicked me out of?
155
00:10:56,875 --> 00:11:01,250
Sorry,
this bit goes as long
as whatever stage I'm on.
156
00:11:06,959 --> 00:11:08,834
( whistling )
157
00:11:08,834 --> 00:11:11,750
Oh, great, there's stairs.
158
00:11:11,750 --> 00:11:13,792
( groans )
159
00:11:16,333 --> 00:11:18,708
Guys, relax!
160
00:11:18,708 --> 00:11:21,875
Relax,
I'm just a person.
161
00:11:26,083 --> 00:11:29,708
What if somebody
walked into the show
right now...
162
00:11:30,583 --> 00:11:33,792
and they didn't
recognize me?
163
00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:38,000
"I thought Tig
was supposed to be taping
her special.
164
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,166
Where did she go?
165
00:11:40,166 --> 00:11:42,834
Where's Tig?"
166
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:45,250
Guys, it's me.
167
00:11:45,250 --> 00:11:46,917
It's me.
168
00:11:46,917 --> 00:11:48,458
It's me.
169
00:11:49,917 --> 00:11:52,542
Uh, where did Tig go?
170
00:11:52,542 --> 00:11:54,458
Where did Tig go?
171
00:11:54,458 --> 00:11:56,250
Where did Tig go?
172
00:11:56,250 --> 00:11:58,667
Let me see
your little belly.
173
00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:02,125
Where did Tig go?
Oh, there I am.
174
00:12:02,125 --> 00:12:05,166
Oh, you guys are dumb.
175
00:12:08,708 --> 00:12:10,959
Oh, my gosh.
176
00:12:10,959 --> 00:12:13,083
As a comedian,
people always ask me
177
00:12:13,083 --> 00:12:16,458
what makes me laugh
really hard.
178
00:12:16,458 --> 00:12:20,375
And, um, I was making
a video one time.
179
00:12:20,375 --> 00:12:23,708
Just like a funny sketch
with a friend of mine
180
00:12:23,708 --> 00:12:27,500
where at the end
he ends up in a bathtub
181
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,500
with Santa Claus.
182
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:33,583
And there are websites
that you can go on
183
00:12:33,583 --> 00:12:36,792
and find your perfect,
ideal Santa,
184
00:12:36,792 --> 00:12:40,792
click on him,
hire him for all your
Santa Claus needs.
185
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:45,583
We could not find
the perfect Santa Claus.
186
00:12:45,583 --> 00:12:48,333
And he said,
"Do you mind if we
take a break
187
00:12:48,333 --> 00:12:51,834
and go to McDonald's
so I can get a couple
hamburgers?
188
00:12:51,834 --> 00:12:53,166
And then we'll come back."
189
00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:55,500
And I said,
"Man, whatever you need."
190
00:12:55,500 --> 00:12:59,125
We go through the drive-thru,
he gets his hamburgers.
191
00:12:59,125 --> 00:13:01,542
He said,
"I cannot wait to eat these.
192
00:13:01,542 --> 00:13:03,458
Do you mind
if we just sit here
193
00:13:03,458 --> 00:13:05,250
and I eat 'em
and then we go back?"
194
00:13:05,250 --> 00:13:08,750
I said again,
"Whatever you need."
195
00:13:08,750 --> 00:13:12,834
So he backs his car
into this space
196
00:13:12,834 --> 00:13:17,041
and we're now looking out
over the entire McDonald's
parking lot
197
00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:19,875
and I see this woman
off in the distance
198
00:13:19,875 --> 00:13:21,667
acting utterly insane.
199
00:13:21,667 --> 00:13:24,500
And I said,
200
00:13:24,500 --> 00:13:26,667
"What do you think
she's doing?"
201
00:13:26,667 --> 00:13:28,667
And he said,
"I don't know,
202
00:13:28,667 --> 00:13:30,708
but I'm gonna film her."
203
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:34,959
He gets his phone out,
he presses record,
204
00:13:34,959 --> 00:13:38,959
and you guys are me and him
in the car looking through
the windshield.
205
00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:42,333
The second he pressed record,
206
00:13:42,333 --> 00:13:46,792
a boat of a car
drove past us
207
00:13:46,792 --> 00:13:50,083
and a man turned
208
00:13:50,083 --> 00:13:53,208
and it was Santa Claus.
209
00:13:53,208 --> 00:13:55,750
And I yelled, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"
210
00:13:55,750 --> 00:14:00,208
And he yelled,
"Oh, my God, do you think
he'll talk to us?"
211
00:14:00,208 --> 00:14:03,250
And then he
shut off the phone,
we peel out
212
00:14:03,250 --> 00:14:06,333
and just haul ass
chasing Santa Claus
213
00:14:06,333 --> 00:14:07,667
down the street.
214
00:14:07,667 --> 00:14:10,291
And we come up next to him
at the light
215
00:14:10,291 --> 00:14:12,917
and I realize in that moment
I hadn't thought about
216
00:14:12,917 --> 00:14:15,667
what I was gonna say
when we caught him.
217
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,291
And I said, "Hi.
218
00:14:18,291 --> 00:14:23,250
Um, you know
who you look like, right?"
219
00:14:24,542 --> 00:14:28,083
And he said,
"Santa Claus."
220
00:14:28,083 --> 00:14:30,583
And I said, "Yes."
221
00:14:30,583 --> 00:14:33,291
I said, "My friend and I
are making a video
222
00:14:33,291 --> 00:14:36,625
and we wanted to hire you
to be in it."
223
00:14:36,625 --> 00:14:39,792
He hands me
his business card
224
00:14:39,792 --> 00:14:42,291
and as he's driving off
225
00:14:42,291 --> 00:14:43,959
I look at it
226
00:14:43,959 --> 00:14:45,917
and it said his name
227
00:14:45,917 --> 00:14:50,458
at some very
conservative church dot-org.
228
00:14:50,458 --> 00:14:53,250
And I said, "Oh, man.
229
00:14:53,250 --> 00:14:56,959
This guy is not gonna get
into a bathtub with you."
230
00:15:01,375 --> 00:15:04,125
Or maybe he will.
231
00:15:05,875 --> 00:15:08,834
So we drive off
feeling defeated
232
00:15:08,834 --> 00:15:13,083
and then I start thinking
about that video from earlier.
233
00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:15,458
And I started laughing.
234
00:15:15,458 --> 00:15:19,125
And I asked him
to pull the car over
to play it back for us
235
00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:20,500
and he said, "Why?"
236
00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:23,166
And I said,
"Because I feel confident
237
00:15:23,166 --> 00:15:24,834
that we captured
238
00:15:24,834 --> 00:15:30,125
the most ridiculous
footage
239
00:15:30,125 --> 00:15:35,000
since the beginning
of time."
240
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,542
And then he
started thinking about it
241
00:15:37,542 --> 00:15:40,792
and then we were
both hunched over
242
00:15:40,792 --> 00:15:44,291
laughing so hard,
hyperventilating,
243
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:50,250
crying,
trying to push each other
away from each other.
244
00:15:50,250 --> 00:15:55,000
We were laughing so hard,
we both became ugly people.
245
00:15:55,000 --> 00:15:59,125
And we still hadn't even
seen the video yet.
246
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,959
And then he pulls
the car over
247
00:16:01,959 --> 00:16:04,208
and he presses play
248
00:16:04,208 --> 00:16:07,500
and you don't see that woman
off in the distance.
249
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:10,458
It's like she was never
a part of this.
250
00:16:10,458 --> 00:16:12,708
The second he pressed play,
251
00:16:12,708 --> 00:16:16,583
the only thing
that you see...
252
00:16:18,291 --> 00:16:20,959
is a boat of a car
253
00:16:20,959 --> 00:16:23,208
driving past us
254
00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:25,875
and a man turning...
255
00:16:27,083 --> 00:16:28,750
and you hear me
256
00:16:28,750 --> 00:16:31,208
earnestly...
257
00:16:32,542 --> 00:16:36,917
yell, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"
258
00:16:36,917 --> 00:16:40,333
And you see my hand
just dart up into the video.
259
00:16:41,667 --> 00:16:44,083
And then you hear my friend,
260
00:16:44,083 --> 00:16:46,208
a full-grown man,
261
00:16:46,208 --> 00:16:50,208
yell, "Oh, my God,
do you think he'll talk
to us?"
262
00:16:56,542 --> 00:16:59,041
And then it just
shuts out.
263
00:17:05,083 --> 00:17:09,250
If anybody came across
that video footage
264
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:12,750
with zero backstory,
265
00:17:12,750 --> 00:17:16,166
it truly appears
266
00:17:16,166 --> 00:17:21,708
as though two
full-grown buffoons...
267
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:28,083
thought that they
saw Santa Claus.
268
00:17:29,708 --> 00:17:33,750
And what is my friend's history
with Santa Claus...
269
00:17:34,542 --> 00:17:37,750
that his response...
270
00:17:40,125 --> 00:17:43,750
would be,
"Oh, my God, do you think
he'll talk to us?"
271
00:17:47,458 --> 00:17:51,792
Just an entire lifetime
of him running up to Santa
272
00:17:51,792 --> 00:17:55,291
only to be met with...
273
00:18:00,583 --> 00:18:02,750
But Santa--
274
00:18:11,834 --> 00:18:14,959
I love everybody's
little laugh noises.
275
00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:20,667
My favorite laugh noise
is, um, the sigh
276
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:22,834
after the laugh.
277
00:18:22,834 --> 00:18:26,291
The...
( sighs )
278
00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,375
( laughs )
279
00:18:29,375 --> 00:18:32,291
( sighs )
280
00:18:34,166 --> 00:18:38,834
'Cause it's like
you're reminiscing
about one second ago.
281
00:18:40,083 --> 00:18:42,917
( laughs )
282
00:18:42,917 --> 00:18:45,208
( sighs )
283
00:18:47,208 --> 00:18:50,166
Remember one second ago?
284
00:18:53,625 --> 00:18:55,667
( sighs )
285
00:18:56,959 --> 00:18:59,750
Yeah, that was
a good time.
286
00:19:00,667 --> 00:19:02,291
Yeah.
287
00:19:02,291 --> 00:19:05,291
My other favorite
laugh noise
288
00:19:05,291 --> 00:19:07,583
is the pig snort.
289
00:19:07,583 --> 00:19:12,250
You know, when somebody
is just really enjoying
themselves.
290
00:19:12,250 --> 00:19:14,834
and then...
( snorts )
291
00:19:16,458 --> 00:19:18,000
Because I'm always curious,
292
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:21,375
is that something
they decided to do?
293
00:19:22,125 --> 00:19:24,834
Like a calculated decision.
294
00:19:24,834 --> 00:19:29,959
Or are they
just as surprised
as we are...
295
00:19:31,291 --> 00:19:37,875
...when a pig snort
flies out of their face?
296
00:19:37,875 --> 00:19:41,875
I like to think
it's the other option
297
00:19:41,875 --> 00:19:45,375
where they're just like,
"You know what?
298
00:19:46,917 --> 00:19:49,875
I have been laughing...
299
00:19:50,917 --> 00:19:53,417
and smiling...
300
00:19:53,417 --> 00:19:56,041
and clapping
301
00:19:56,041 --> 00:19:57,917
all night,
302
00:19:57,917 --> 00:20:00,583
but I still feel
303
00:20:00,583 --> 00:20:04,917
like she doesn't get...
304
00:20:04,917 --> 00:20:08,583
how much I get her.
305
00:20:10,500 --> 00:20:13,458
Think I'm gonna go ahead
and snort like a pig.
306
00:20:16,375 --> 00:20:18,750
Yeah, this, uh--
this story she's telling,
307
00:20:18,750 --> 00:20:21,250
this is actually
one of my favorites
I was telling--
308
00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:23,458
oh, hold on one second."
309
00:20:28,834 --> 00:20:30,417
( snorts )
310
00:20:31,708 --> 00:20:33,708
"Love your stuff."
311
00:20:33,708 --> 00:20:35,834
( snorts )
312
00:20:43,375 --> 00:20:45,291
My dream situation
313
00:20:45,291 --> 00:20:48,291
is actually the--
at the end of the night
314
00:20:48,291 --> 00:20:49,792
when the lights go on
315
00:20:49,792 --> 00:20:52,750
that there is an actual pig
in the audience.
316
00:20:52,750 --> 00:20:56,667
Just out on the town,
pantless,
317
00:20:56,667 --> 00:20:59,959
clanking its little
cloven hooves together.
318
00:20:59,959 --> 00:21:03,166
Sitting on
its little curlicue.
319
00:21:04,083 --> 00:21:06,708
Comes up to me
at the end of the night,
320
00:21:06,708 --> 00:21:09,792
"Hey, um, that was me."
321
00:21:11,083 --> 00:21:15,166
I, uh-- I can't laugh,
so I snort.
322
00:21:15,166 --> 00:21:17,875
Sure, I can talk...
323
00:21:19,083 --> 00:21:21,041
but I wanted to say
324
00:21:21,041 --> 00:21:23,917
I really liked that part
earlier
325
00:21:23,917 --> 00:21:28,500
when you were talking
about having little pigs
on your pants.
326
00:21:32,166 --> 00:21:33,417
Anyway,
I don't wanna keep you,
327
00:21:33,417 --> 00:21:35,667
I just-- I really
just wanted to say...
328
00:21:37,625 --> 00:21:40,667
I just wanted to say
pig fan, pig fan.
329
00:21:41,875 --> 00:21:46,166
Boston, that's
a terrible joke.
I'm sorry.
330
00:21:47,500 --> 00:21:51,000
( laughs )
Sorry, I'm just up here
being a ham
331
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:55,542
and I-- I'm sor--
that's too much,
332
00:21:55,542 --> 00:21:56,625
you're right.
( chuckles )
333
00:21:56,625 --> 00:22:00,000
Too many puns
eventually becomes
a "boar"
334
00:22:00,000 --> 00:22:01,166
and I don't wanna--
335
00:22:01,166 --> 00:22:04,041
don't shake your head
at me.
336
00:22:04,041 --> 00:22:07,208
I will reimburse you.
I am sorry.
337
00:22:11,375 --> 00:22:13,083
I'm originally
from Mississippi.
338
00:22:13,083 --> 00:22:15,083
- Man: Whoo!
- Um...
339
00:22:15,083 --> 00:22:17,291
( audience laughs )
340
00:22:17,291 --> 00:22:18,917
Settle down, everyone.
341
00:22:21,417 --> 00:22:23,417
I'm originally
from Mississippi
342
00:22:23,417 --> 00:22:27,166
and, um, my fiancée
343
00:22:27,166 --> 00:22:29,917
- is, um...
- ( audience cheering )
344
00:22:32,583 --> 00:22:33,708
Thank you. Um...
345
00:22:33,708 --> 00:22:37,083
- He is from...
- ( audience laughs )
346
00:22:44,166 --> 00:22:46,542
Okay.
347
00:22:53,083 --> 00:22:57,458
She was raised
in Los Angeles
and New York
348
00:22:57,458 --> 00:23:01,083
and I invited her
back to Mississippi
349
00:23:01,083 --> 00:23:05,750
to spend the holidays
with me and my extended
family.
350
00:23:05,750 --> 00:23:08,083
And before the trip,
351
00:23:08,083 --> 00:23:11,458
she said, um,
352
00:23:11,458 --> 00:23:13,291
"No offense, but..."
353
00:23:13,291 --> 00:23:18,166
And I said, "Yes,
what is this flattering thing
you're about to say?"
354
00:23:19,959 --> 00:23:23,125
She said, "When I picture
people from Mississippi,
355
00:23:23,125 --> 00:23:25,667
I picture them barefoot."
356
00:23:28,291 --> 00:23:30,166
Thank you.
357
00:23:31,708 --> 00:23:35,125
And I said,
"Okay, I get it, but, um,
358
00:23:35,125 --> 00:23:39,667
my family is civilized.
359
00:23:39,667 --> 00:23:42,208
They have homes
360
00:23:42,208 --> 00:23:44,500
and jobs
361
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:46,333
and shoes,
362
00:23:46,333 --> 00:23:47,875
but I hear ya."
363
00:23:47,875 --> 00:23:51,333
So I was down there
hanging out before she arrived,
364
00:23:51,333 --> 00:23:55,333
and when you fly in
to visit my town,
365
00:23:55,333 --> 00:23:57,792
you fly in
to the New Orleans airport.
366
00:23:57,792 --> 00:24:01,959
And all 11
of my family members
367
00:24:01,959 --> 00:24:03,458
piled into a van
368
00:24:03,458 --> 00:24:07,041
to drive into
the French Quarter
to hang out,
369
00:24:07,041 --> 00:24:09,625
wait until she arrived.
370
00:24:09,625 --> 00:24:13,166
And I finally was like,
"Oh, yeah, she's gonna be
landing soon.
371
00:24:13,166 --> 00:24:14,667
We gotta go."
372
00:24:14,667 --> 00:24:16,375
All 11 of them
373
00:24:16,375 --> 00:24:19,708
piled back into the van
with their beers--
374
00:24:19,708 --> 00:24:22,000
I don't know if you know,
but it is legal down there
375
00:24:22,000 --> 00:24:25,875
to have open containers
in vehicles.
376
00:24:25,875 --> 00:24:27,000
They all get in.
377
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:29,667
They also brought
a cooler
378
00:24:29,667 --> 00:24:32,667
iced down
with extra beer
379
00:24:32,667 --> 00:24:36,083
just for the drive
to the airport.
380
00:24:37,250 --> 00:24:40,750
I offered to be
the sober driver,
381
00:24:40,750 --> 00:24:46,875
not that anybody
in my family cared
either way.
382
00:24:46,875 --> 00:24:49,500
They were just like,
"Okay, nerd."
383
00:24:51,625 --> 00:24:55,083
So we pull up curbside
384
00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:56,792
at baggage claim
385
00:24:56,792 --> 00:25:00,708
and I get out and say,
"I will be right back."
386
00:25:00,708 --> 00:25:04,375
I go in, I find her.
387
00:25:05,500 --> 00:25:07,917
We're walking out
chatting.
388
00:25:07,917 --> 00:25:09,291
She looks up...
389
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:15,166
and she said,
"Is that your family?"
390
00:25:15,166 --> 00:25:16,917
I look up
391
00:25:16,917 --> 00:25:20,041
and all 11 of them
392
00:25:20,041 --> 00:25:22,333
have gotten out
of the van.
393
00:25:22,333 --> 00:25:24,875
They're smoking
and drinking,
394
00:25:24,875 --> 00:25:27,750
they're waving wildly,
395
00:25:27,750 --> 00:25:29,750
so excited to meet her.
396
00:25:29,750 --> 00:25:34,083
They've pulled the cooler
out onto the sidewalk.
397
00:25:37,250 --> 00:25:40,625
And they were barefoot.
398
00:25:44,625 --> 00:25:47,125
After walking around
the French Quarter all day,
399
00:25:47,125 --> 00:25:50,792
they took their shoes off
on the drive to get her.
400
00:25:51,917 --> 00:25:54,417
So there I was...
401
00:25:56,208 --> 00:25:58,125
...having to say,
"Yes,
402
00:25:58,125 --> 00:26:02,458
that is
my civilized family...
403
00:26:03,208 --> 00:26:04,750
...that I told you about.
404
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:09,458
There they are
in all of their glory."
405
00:26:09,458 --> 00:26:12,834
So we have the holidays,
Christmas, whatever,
406
00:26:12,834 --> 00:26:15,750
she and I are driving
out of town together
407
00:26:15,750 --> 00:26:17,875
and, uh,
I asked her if, uh--
408
00:26:17,875 --> 00:26:19,834
a couple years ago
my mother passed away
409
00:26:19,834 --> 00:26:23,000
and we buried her
in our hometown in Mississippi
410
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:27,250
and I asked if we could
go visit her grave.
411
00:26:27,250 --> 00:26:29,166
And she said of course.
412
00:26:29,166 --> 00:26:31,166
And just to back up
a little more,
413
00:26:31,166 --> 00:26:34,500
when my stepfather and I
were driving away
from the funeral,
414
00:26:34,500 --> 00:26:37,792
he told me,
415
00:26:37,792 --> 00:26:40,000
"When your mother died,
416
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:44,583
they were offering
a really good deal
417
00:26:44,583 --> 00:26:47,792
on burial plots.
418
00:26:48,667 --> 00:26:51,959
I ended up getting six
419
00:26:51,959 --> 00:26:54,500
for a thousand dollars."
420
00:26:56,708 --> 00:26:59,000
He said,
"I got one for your mother,
421
00:26:59,000 --> 00:27:01,250
I got one for me,
422
00:27:01,250 --> 00:27:03,542
I got one for you,
423
00:27:03,542 --> 00:27:06,125
I got one
for your brother,
424
00:27:06,125 --> 00:27:09,500
and then I got two extras."
425
00:27:13,250 --> 00:27:14,750
Man:
Whoo!
426
00:27:16,542 --> 00:27:20,208
I said, "That is serious
bargain shopping
427
00:27:20,208 --> 00:27:24,083
just to toss in
two extra burial plots."
428
00:27:24,083 --> 00:27:26,166
And he said, "Well,
I thought I would
get those
429
00:27:26,166 --> 00:27:29,542
in case you or your brother,
if you had partners one day."
430
00:27:29,542 --> 00:27:31,583
And I said,
"Oh, well, thank you,
431
00:27:31,583 --> 00:27:33,208
but still..."
432
00:27:36,542 --> 00:27:40,708
So my girlfriend and I
pull up to the graveyard,
433
00:27:40,708 --> 00:27:43,708
we get out of the car...
434
00:27:46,417 --> 00:27:49,875
we walk over,
we're standing there.
435
00:27:52,875 --> 00:27:54,959
She's looking around.
436
00:27:54,959 --> 00:27:57,542
She said,
"This is really beautiful."
437
00:28:00,417 --> 00:28:05,125
She said, "So is it just--
is it just this right here?"
438
00:28:05,125 --> 00:28:08,417
And I said, "Well..."
( exhales )
439
00:28:08,417 --> 00:28:11,250
"That's the thing, um...
440
00:28:12,291 --> 00:28:14,542
When my mother died,
441
00:28:14,542 --> 00:28:17,750
they were offering
a really good deal.
442
00:28:20,750 --> 00:28:24,000
Six plots
for a thousand dollars.
443
00:28:24,000 --> 00:28:27,250
So my stepfather...
444
00:28:27,250 --> 00:28:30,792
my mother,
she's just buried right here,
445
00:28:30,792 --> 00:28:32,750
but he got hers,
446
00:28:32,750 --> 00:28:35,834
and then one for him,
447
00:28:35,834 --> 00:28:37,917
he got one for me,
448
00:28:37,917 --> 00:28:40,792
he got one for my brother.
449
00:28:40,792 --> 00:28:43,291
And then, um...
450
00:28:50,792 --> 00:28:53,291
He got two extras...
451
00:28:54,583 --> 00:28:57,250
...in case we had partners.
452
00:28:58,542 --> 00:29:00,625
So, um...
453
00:29:02,291 --> 00:29:04,458
I guess, um...
454
00:29:05,792 --> 00:29:08,750
I guess that's where
you'll be gay buried.
455
00:29:16,625 --> 00:29:19,208
Barefoot in Mississippi,
456
00:29:19,208 --> 00:29:22,500
just like you always
imagined."
457
00:29:24,667 --> 00:29:28,834
She thought it was
some twisted marriage
proposal.
458
00:29:30,875 --> 00:29:32,208
After my mother passed away,
459
00:29:32,208 --> 00:29:35,083
I was diagnosed
with bilateral breast cancer,
460
00:29:35,083 --> 00:29:40,041
um, but I have not
told anybody yet.
461
00:29:40,041 --> 00:29:42,166
( audience laughs )
462
00:29:44,041 --> 00:29:46,959
You're the first people
to find out.
463
00:29:48,500 --> 00:29:52,208
Wow, that's
a very cold response.
464
00:29:55,500 --> 00:29:57,542
( sighs )
465
00:29:59,041 --> 00:30:01,875
I ended up having
a double mastectomy,
466
00:30:01,875 --> 00:30:03,166
and, um,
467
00:30:03,166 --> 00:30:07,500
before my surgery,
I was already relatively
flat-chested.
468
00:30:07,500 --> 00:30:11,667
And, uh, I made so many jokes
over the years
469
00:30:11,667 --> 00:30:14,625
about how small
my boobs were
470
00:30:14,625 --> 00:30:17,750
that I started to think
471
00:30:17,750 --> 00:30:20,041
that maybe
472
00:30:20,041 --> 00:30:24,041
my boobs overheard me...
473
00:30:27,917 --> 00:30:30,750
and were just like,
"Pfft.
474
00:30:32,208 --> 00:30:34,041
You know what?
475
00:30:35,125 --> 00:30:37,375
We're sick of this.
476
00:30:40,208 --> 00:30:42,542
Let's kill her."
477
00:30:48,792 --> 00:30:51,625
I'm always thrown off
by the clapping.
478
00:30:55,750 --> 00:30:58,125
Whoo, take her down!
479
00:31:02,417 --> 00:31:05,583
I did a show
where this woman
sat front row
480
00:31:05,583 --> 00:31:09,542
with her arms crossed
shaking her head at me.
481
00:31:09,542 --> 00:31:11,917
And I said,
"Is there something wrong?"
482
00:31:11,917 --> 00:31:14,458
And she said,
483
00:31:14,458 --> 00:31:17,000
"You should end your jokes
484
00:31:17,000 --> 00:31:20,625
with 'I'm just kidding.'"
485
00:31:24,792 --> 00:31:26,917
Oh, right, right.
486
00:31:26,917 --> 00:31:29,959
I don't know
why I never thought
about that.
487
00:31:30,875 --> 00:31:32,875
That is a great idea.
488
00:31:32,875 --> 00:31:34,875
I'm just kidding.
489
00:31:34,875 --> 00:31:37,542
I'm not kid--
I really did have cancer,
490
00:31:37,542 --> 00:31:41,875
I just-- I don't really
think that my boobs
491
00:31:41,875 --> 00:31:45,959
were conspiring
to kill me.
492
00:31:48,750 --> 00:31:51,083
That I'm kidding about.
493
00:31:55,959 --> 00:31:58,250
( sighs )
Yeah.
494
00:31:59,333 --> 00:32:01,834
Oh, we remember.
495
00:32:04,458 --> 00:32:06,917
Before I had
my double mastectomy,
496
00:32:06,917 --> 00:32:11,333
I, um-- I would sometimes
be mistaken for a man.
497
00:32:11,333 --> 00:32:14,041
And, um, that's fine.
498
00:32:14,041 --> 00:32:17,208
But then after the surgery,
499
00:32:17,208 --> 00:32:19,166
it went up a bit.
500
00:32:19,166 --> 00:32:21,917
I was going through security
at the airport
501
00:32:21,917 --> 00:32:23,708
and, um...
502
00:32:23,708 --> 00:32:26,083
they said,
"Female assist,"
503
00:32:26,083 --> 00:32:30,458
which means they have
to have a female officer
pat me down extra.
504
00:32:30,458 --> 00:32:32,834
And so this woman
comes over
505
00:32:32,834 --> 00:32:36,834
and she comes in,
just--
506
00:32:36,834 --> 00:32:39,500
and I didn't have
reconstructive surgery.
507
00:32:39,500 --> 00:32:41,542
I just--
she was like...
508
00:32:41,542 --> 00:32:44,375
( audience laughs )
509
00:32:48,166 --> 00:32:51,458
She didn't feel
a boob or...
510
00:32:51,458 --> 00:32:53,708
a bra or anything.
511
00:32:53,708 --> 00:32:56,041
And she said,
"Hold on a second."
512
00:32:56,041 --> 00:33:00,500
And she walked
only maybe this far away.
513
00:33:01,834 --> 00:33:04,959
And she whispered something
to the other officer.
514
00:33:04,959 --> 00:33:07,375
And I just heard him say,
515
00:33:07,375 --> 00:33:10,458
"Yes, I'm positive."
516
00:33:10,458 --> 00:33:12,500
( audience laughs )
517
00:33:15,417 --> 00:33:17,834
So she comes back over
518
00:33:17,834 --> 00:33:19,583
and she's like...
519
00:33:21,875 --> 00:33:24,250
But this time she stopped
520
00:33:24,250 --> 00:33:26,500
before she touched me
521
00:33:26,500 --> 00:33:28,917
and she looked up...
522
00:33:28,917 --> 00:33:31,417
at my face...
523
00:33:31,417 --> 00:33:34,500
She really took it in.
524
00:33:34,500 --> 00:33:37,000
But apparently,
525
00:33:37,000 --> 00:33:40,291
that was not helpful
526
00:33:40,291 --> 00:33:42,750
at all.
527
00:33:42,750 --> 00:33:46,542
- And she said,
"Hold on a second."
- ( audience laughing )
528
00:33:46,542 --> 00:33:49,417
She walks back over
529
00:33:49,417 --> 00:33:53,792
and whispers something again
to the officer
530
00:33:53,792 --> 00:33:56,208
and he just says, "Yes."
531
00:33:56,208 --> 00:33:58,458
And the thing is,
532
00:33:58,458 --> 00:34:02,834
I knew exactly
what was happening
533
00:34:02,834 --> 00:34:06,542
and I knew that
all I needed to do
534
00:34:06,542 --> 00:34:09,542
was speak...
535
00:34:09,542 --> 00:34:13,041
and then she would know
that I was female.
536
00:34:13,041 --> 00:34:16,500
But I just did not
537
00:34:16,500 --> 00:34:19,458
- wanna help her out...
- ( audience laughing )
538
00:34:19,458 --> 00:34:23,417
- Man: Whoo!
- ( audience cheering )
539
00:34:23,417 --> 00:34:24,834
...at all.
540
00:34:24,834 --> 00:34:29,792
I was enjoying
the awkwardness so much.
541
00:34:29,792 --> 00:34:33,291
I just loved
standing there like...
542
00:34:42,917 --> 00:34:47,125
She finally came back over
and said, "You're good."
543
00:34:49,000 --> 00:34:50,291
And I walked off saying,
544
00:34:50,291 --> 00:34:53,333
( imitates deep voice)
"Uh, thank you. Thank you
very much."
545
00:34:55,625 --> 00:34:59,458
Oh, my gosh,
you guys are so nice.
546
00:35:00,500 --> 00:35:02,208
I, um...
547
00:35:02,208 --> 00:35:06,375
- have really been s--
- ( audience catcalls )
548
00:35:06,375 --> 00:35:11,333
- Do not tempt me.
- ( audience laughs )
549
00:35:11,333 --> 00:35:14,834
- I will do it.
I will-- I will...
- ( audience cheering )
550
00:35:14,834 --> 00:35:18,125
Guys-- guys, no.
551
00:35:20,333 --> 00:35:23,166
( audience cheering )
552
00:35:25,208 --> 00:35:29,041
Of course I'm not gonna
take my shirt off on my sp--
553
00:35:29,041 --> 00:35:31,583
( audience groans,
cheers )
554
00:35:33,750 --> 00:35:35,875
- ( man whistling )
- No.
555
00:35:39,583 --> 00:35:42,000
( audience cheering )
556
00:35:58,917 --> 00:36:01,542
Woman:
Whoo!
557
00:36:06,417 --> 00:36:08,583
So...
558
00:36:12,417 --> 00:36:15,083
( man whistling )
559
00:36:19,708 --> 00:36:21,834
I'll tell you,
I, uh--
560
00:36:21,834 --> 00:36:23,875
I am afraid to fly
561
00:36:23,875 --> 00:36:27,792
and I-- I am.
Sure, laugh all you want,
562
00:36:27,792 --> 00:36:31,583
but I--
I'm very afraid to fly
563
00:36:31,583 --> 00:36:37,375
and I went on a plane
that seated maybe only
six people.
564
00:36:37,375 --> 00:36:40,667
And you c--
it was so tiny
565
00:36:40,667 --> 00:36:43,750
that you could only
kind of crouch
566
00:36:43,750 --> 00:36:46,208
to get through
the plane.
567
00:36:46,208 --> 00:36:47,917
And, um...
568
00:36:47,917 --> 00:36:49,750
oh, my God,
it was so small.
569
00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:52,625
And once we got
to our cruising altitude,
570
00:36:52,625 --> 00:36:55,166
we're flying along
and the pilot,
571
00:36:55,166 --> 00:36:57,083
who's just sitting
right there,
572
00:36:57,083 --> 00:36:59,291
he's just like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
573
00:36:59,291 --> 00:37:01,500
And, um...
( laughs )
574
00:37:01,500 --> 00:37:03,834
You do your thing,
I'll do mine.
575
00:37:05,417 --> 00:37:07,834
He gets out of his seat
576
00:37:07,834 --> 00:37:10,458
and just is like,
577
00:37:10,458 --> 00:37:13,333
"Let me show you
578
00:37:13,333 --> 00:37:17,250
where the emergency
toilet is."
579
00:37:17,250 --> 00:37:18,834
And I said,
580
00:37:18,834 --> 00:37:21,792
- "I'll decide where
the emergency toilet is."
- ( audience laughing )
581
00:37:25,834 --> 00:37:29,000
"How about here?
How about this is
the emergency toilet?
582
00:37:30,917 --> 00:37:35,166
Or how about right here?
This could be the emergency
toilet.
583
00:37:35,166 --> 00:37:39,583
How about anywhere I decide
is the emergency toilet?
584
00:37:39,583 --> 00:37:43,333
This entire flight
feels like an emergency.
585
00:37:43,333 --> 00:37:48,542
Just one huge emergency toilet
flying through the air.
586
00:37:49,625 --> 00:37:53,542
Now go sit back down,
you joker.
587
00:37:53,542 --> 00:37:57,083
Don't you worry
about the emergency toilet."
588
00:37:57,083 --> 00:38:00,667
I love on, um,
commercial flights
589
00:38:00,667 --> 00:38:04,500
when, um, you're seated
in the emergency exit row
590
00:38:04,500 --> 00:38:06,875
and the flight
attendant's like,
591
00:38:06,875 --> 00:38:08,458
"You know,
just wondering
592
00:38:08,458 --> 00:38:10,417
if in the event
of an emergency,
593
00:38:10,417 --> 00:38:13,542
you'd be willing
to help out."
594
00:38:15,208 --> 00:38:18,333
And I'm like, "Pfft...
595
00:38:20,083 --> 00:38:22,375
Totally.
596
00:38:24,375 --> 00:38:26,750
If you need anything,
597
00:38:26,750 --> 00:38:29,041
you come grab me.
598
00:38:31,417 --> 00:38:35,208
But I was just wondering
if maybe we could
wait and see
599
00:38:35,208 --> 00:38:38,250
what kind of shape
I'm in
600
00:38:38,250 --> 00:38:42,000
after the plane plummets
30,000 feet.
601
00:38:43,708 --> 00:38:46,875
'Cause I don't even know
if I'm gonna be sitting here
anymore.
602
00:38:48,542 --> 00:38:52,834
But absolutely,
you come grab me
if you need anything."
603
00:38:52,834 --> 00:38:55,917
Are they really
gonna hold me to that?
604
00:38:55,917 --> 00:39:00,250
Where's that woman
from 12 E?
605
00:39:00,250 --> 00:39:04,041
Where's that guy
from 12 E?
606
00:39:05,750 --> 00:39:09,208
Nah, he said
he'd help us out.
607
00:39:10,500 --> 00:39:14,291
I'm just off in the distance
gathering my own body parts.
608
00:39:18,291 --> 00:39:20,959
Did somebody
need something?
609
00:39:22,417 --> 00:39:26,375
I did give a verbal
confirmation, so...
610
00:39:27,542 --> 00:39:30,625
Carrying my own head
in my hand.
611
00:39:30,625 --> 00:39:34,875
Yeah, just let me know
what I can do for ya.
612
00:39:36,750 --> 00:39:40,417
Oh, man, flying, huh?
613
00:39:41,959 --> 00:39:45,417
( audience cheering )
614
00:39:54,458 --> 00:39:57,834
I've been traveling
around so much
615
00:39:57,834 --> 00:39:59,125
and, um,
616
00:39:59,125 --> 00:40:01,125
I've noticed
in the States--
617
00:40:01,125 --> 00:40:03,667
I haven't really
noticed it so much
618
00:40:03,667 --> 00:40:05,458
overseas anywhere,
619
00:40:05,458 --> 00:40:07,250
but in the US
620
00:40:07,250 --> 00:40:09,458
I've noticed
these signs
621
00:40:09,458 --> 00:40:12,458
showing up
at public pools.
622
00:40:12,458 --> 00:40:16,291
And, um, I'm sure plenty of you
have seen these,
623
00:40:16,291 --> 00:40:18,708
and they say
624
00:40:18,708 --> 00:40:23,000
that you cannot
go swimming
625
00:40:23,000 --> 00:40:25,500
if you have diarrhea.
626
00:40:26,834 --> 00:40:30,166
Raise your hand
if you've seen these signs.
627
00:40:30,166 --> 00:40:32,125
Yes, these are
actual signs.
628
00:40:32,125 --> 00:40:34,166
And my question is
629
00:40:34,166 --> 00:40:39,125
how frequently
was this happening?
630
00:40:40,959 --> 00:40:43,000
But, more importantly,
631
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:47,458
how confident of a person
632
00:40:47,458 --> 00:40:50,458
do you have to be...
633
00:40:52,208 --> 00:40:55,667
to be like,
"Oh, man.
634
00:41:03,417 --> 00:41:05,667
Oh, man."
( exhales )
635
00:41:06,500 --> 00:41:09,250
"I do not feel well.
636
00:41:13,917 --> 00:41:17,417
Doctor said I should
definitely stay home.
637
00:41:20,125 --> 00:41:22,875
Stick near the toilet.
638
00:41:26,166 --> 00:41:29,542
- But you know what?"
- ( audience laughs )
639
00:41:31,708 --> 00:41:35,166
"I'm gonna head down
to the public pool.
640
00:41:36,875 --> 00:41:40,333
Go swim around.
641
00:41:40,333 --> 00:41:43,875
With full blown diarrhea."
642
00:41:47,333 --> 00:41:49,625
They're just like,
"Hey!
643
00:41:49,625 --> 00:41:52,125
Out of the pool!"
644
00:41:57,750 --> 00:42:00,000
Me?
645
00:42:00,000 --> 00:42:03,875
Yeah, you can't swim
with diarrhea.
646
00:42:09,375 --> 00:42:12,375
Oh, so this
is a problem?
647
00:42:14,583 --> 00:42:17,875
Yeah, gotta get out
of the pool.
648
00:42:22,041 --> 00:42:23,917
Listen...
649
00:42:23,917 --> 00:42:27,000
if you don't want me
swimming
650
00:42:27,000 --> 00:42:29,625
with diarrhea,
651
00:42:29,625 --> 00:42:33,125
then you're gonna need
to hang up a sign.
652
00:42:39,291 --> 00:42:42,583
Otherwise, there's just
no possible way...
653
00:42:44,625 --> 00:42:47,417
( chuckles )
I would know better.
654
00:42:47,417 --> 00:42:50,625
So until that goes...
655
00:42:54,291 --> 00:42:56,625
Thank you so much.
656
00:42:56,625 --> 00:42:57,792
No, no, no, no.
657
00:42:57,792 --> 00:43:00,500
I'm not-- I'm not leaving,
I'm not leaving.
658
00:43:01,625 --> 00:43:02,792
I have a weird delivery.
659
00:43:02,792 --> 00:43:04,792
- It...
- ( audience laughing )
660
00:43:04,792 --> 00:43:07,250
I've had it my whole life,
my whole career.
661
00:43:07,250 --> 00:43:10,667
Sounds like I'm leaving,
but I'm just saying
thank you.
662
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:18,208
It's kind of like you guys
really got that, thanks!
663
00:43:19,708 --> 00:43:22,875
( sighs )
I have a gift for you all.
664
00:43:22,875 --> 00:43:26,667
Uh, something that brings me
a lot of joy in my life.
665
00:43:26,667 --> 00:43:28,083
I wanna give it to you
666
00:43:28,083 --> 00:43:31,166
so that you can experience
the happiness
667
00:43:31,166 --> 00:43:33,333
that I do.
668
00:43:33,333 --> 00:43:35,667
I love...
669
00:43:35,667 --> 00:43:40,083
sending text messages
to friends of mine
670
00:43:40,083 --> 00:43:43,250
at random times
of the day
671
00:43:43,250 --> 00:43:47,792
that just say,
"What's your ETA?"
672
00:43:54,000 --> 00:43:57,959
I just love knowing
that somewhere across town
673
00:43:57,959 --> 00:44:00,959
somebody is half-naked
674
00:44:00,959 --> 00:44:03,208
frantically rifling
675
00:44:03,208 --> 00:44:06,000
through emails
and text messages
676
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:09,041
trying to figure out
677
00:44:09,041 --> 00:44:11,333
what they agreed
to do with me.
678
00:44:13,166 --> 00:44:15,708
And they write back,
"What?"
679
00:44:16,834 --> 00:44:18,542
And then write back,
680
00:44:18,542 --> 00:44:21,875
"Yeah, we're all seated.
Better hurry."
681
00:44:26,208 --> 00:44:29,000
And then they write back,
"Where?"
682
00:44:31,125 --> 00:44:33,583
And then don't respond.
683
00:44:33,583 --> 00:44:35,500
Ever again.
684
00:44:35,500 --> 00:44:38,875
Cut them out of your life.
Delete them from your phone.
685
00:44:38,875 --> 00:44:41,417
Just move on.
It was time.
686
00:44:41,417 --> 00:44:44,959
It was time
and you both knew it.
687
00:44:47,417 --> 00:44:50,750
- Thank you!
- ( audience laughs )
688
00:44:52,834 --> 00:44:55,375
Thank you so much.
689
00:45:01,667 --> 00:45:03,875
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
690
00:45:10,208 --> 00:45:12,291
( sighs )
691
00:45:12,291 --> 00:45:15,041
I've been doing stand-up
for almost 20 years now
692
00:45:15,041 --> 00:45:19,583
and... every show
I've ever done...
693
00:45:20,667 --> 00:45:23,083
whether it was
a coffee shop,
694
00:45:23,083 --> 00:45:24,708
an open mic,
695
00:45:24,708 --> 00:45:27,542
a sold-out theater,
696
00:45:27,542 --> 00:45:30,125
a college,
697
00:45:30,125 --> 00:45:31,834
a club,
698
00:45:31,834 --> 00:45:35,542
every single show
I've ever done,
699
00:45:35,542 --> 00:45:39,875
- I've gotten
a standing ovation.
- ( audience laughing )
700
00:45:39,875 --> 00:45:42,667
Oh, sure,
laugh all you want.
701
00:45:44,625 --> 00:45:46,417
Even in Vegas
702
00:45:46,417 --> 00:45:49,959
I got 14
standing ovations.
703
00:45:52,083 --> 00:45:54,458
You might be thinking,
"I had a good time tonight,
704
00:45:54,458 --> 00:45:59,333
but not like--
not 'standing ovation'
good time."
705
00:45:59,333 --> 00:46:02,250
Everybody thinks that.
706
00:46:02,250 --> 00:46:05,250
Everybody thinks that
and then sure enough,
707
00:46:05,250 --> 00:46:09,500
the show ends and everyone
jumps to their feet
708
00:46:09,500 --> 00:46:12,500
and they're yelling,
"Tig!
709
00:46:12,500 --> 00:46:14,583
We love you!
710
00:46:14,583 --> 00:46:20,166
This is the best comedy show
we've ever seen in our lives."
711
00:46:20,166 --> 00:46:23,792
And I'm just like,
"I'm just a person.
712
00:46:24,708 --> 00:46:27,333
Please be seated."
713
00:46:27,333 --> 00:46:29,667
And they won't.
714
00:46:29,667 --> 00:46:31,834
And that goes on
715
00:46:31,834 --> 00:46:36,333
for three minutes
every single time.
716
00:46:38,500 --> 00:46:41,542
So I'm just giving you
a heads up what's to come.
717
00:46:41,542 --> 00:46:44,041
( audience laughing )
718
00:46:48,500 --> 00:46:50,000
I love music.
719
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:53,708
( audience laughing )
720
00:46:57,750 --> 00:47:01,333
I've never detected
a punch line there.
721
00:47:03,000 --> 00:47:06,041
Maybe I should
listen more.
722
00:47:06,041 --> 00:47:08,375
( man laughing loudly )
723
00:47:10,208 --> 00:47:13,375
Sounded like a cartoon character
showed up.
724
00:47:13,375 --> 00:47:16,875
( imitates laughing )
725
00:47:19,750 --> 00:47:22,333
I like your style,
ha, ha, ha!
726
00:47:22,333 --> 00:47:27,041
That was funny,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
727
00:47:27,041 --> 00:47:30,583
I can barely take this,
I'm laughing so hard.
728
00:47:30,583 --> 00:47:32,917
Ha, ha, ha!
729
00:47:32,917 --> 00:47:36,041
That's all I wanted,
to laugh.
730
00:47:40,458 --> 00:47:42,583
I do-- I do love music
731
00:47:42,583 --> 00:47:47,083
and, um, I would constantly
write down all the lyrics
732
00:47:47,083 --> 00:47:48,083
to every Beatles song.
733
00:47:48,083 --> 00:47:50,250
Like put the record on,
take the needle off,
734
00:47:50,250 --> 00:47:52,375
and write the lyrics down,
put the needle back on.
735
00:47:52,375 --> 00:47:55,625
Just every song.
Obsessed.
736
00:47:55,625 --> 00:47:59,208
And my grandmother ended up
having Alzheimer's
737
00:47:59,208 --> 00:48:03,667
and she collected anything
that we touched growing up.
738
00:48:03,667 --> 00:48:06,542
And towards the end of her life
when I was an adult,
739
00:48:06,542 --> 00:48:08,792
she called me
into her bedroom.
740
00:48:08,792 --> 00:48:12,041
And she pulled out
this box and this paper.
741
00:48:12,041 --> 00:48:15,875
She said,
"You wrote this for me
742
00:48:15,875 --> 00:48:19,291
- when you were little."
- ( audience laughing )
743
00:48:19,291 --> 00:48:23,708
And it was
"When I'm 64."
744
00:48:23,708 --> 00:48:27,667
And I had to sit there
and take credit...
745
00:48:30,834 --> 00:48:33,625
for a Lennon
and McCartney tune.
746
00:48:33,625 --> 00:48:38,166
I was like, "Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that one."
747
00:48:38,166 --> 00:48:40,375
( chuckles )
"You like that, huh?
748
00:48:40,375 --> 00:48:44,208
If so, I have a huge catalogue
of other--
749
00:48:44,208 --> 00:48:47,500
other songs
I think you might like."
750
00:48:50,166 --> 00:48:53,041
In sixth grade,
I took a music class
751
00:48:53,041 --> 00:48:56,542
and, um, we were lectured
about anywhere
752
00:48:56,542 --> 00:48:59,750
from The Who
to Beethoven.
753
00:48:59,750 --> 00:49:02,333
We played instruments,
we read books.
754
00:49:02,333 --> 00:49:05,208
And at the end
of every session,
755
00:49:05,208 --> 00:49:07,417
the teacher
would always ask
756
00:49:07,417 --> 00:49:10,000
if somebody had
a favorite song
they wanted to play.
757
00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:13,959
And I always brought in Beatles
and Rolling Stones songs.
758
00:49:13,959 --> 00:49:15,959
And one day,
759
00:49:15,959 --> 00:49:20,250
the coolest kid
in the entire school--
760
00:49:20,250 --> 00:49:22,542
his name was J.D.--
761
00:49:22,542 --> 00:49:24,500
- and he came...
- ( audience chuckles )
762
00:49:26,333 --> 00:49:28,500
Oh, that's funny to you?
763
00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:31,083
That is a child's name.
764
00:49:33,250 --> 00:49:37,125
A child that is 44 now,
but it's still a child's name.
765
00:49:37,125 --> 00:49:38,750
What is your name?
766
00:49:38,750 --> 00:49:40,250
- Chris.
- Chris.
767
00:49:40,250 --> 00:49:44,750
- The coolest kid
in the entire school...
- ( audience laughing )
768
00:49:44,750 --> 00:49:46,875
was named Chris.
769
00:49:47,834 --> 00:49:48,792
How does that feel?
770
00:49:48,792 --> 00:49:53,166
Doesn't feel good,
does it, Chris? No.
771
00:49:58,208 --> 00:50:00,583
J.D. came up to me
after class
772
00:50:00,583 --> 00:50:01,917
and he said,
"If I bring in
773
00:50:01,917 --> 00:50:05,166
one of my dad's
Rolling Stones records,
774
00:50:05,166 --> 00:50:08,417
will you tell me the coolest
song on the album to play?"
775
00:50:08,417 --> 00:50:11,208
And I said, "Pfft...
776
00:50:12,250 --> 00:50:14,625
No question."
777
00:50:16,250 --> 00:50:17,708
The next day,
778
00:50:17,708 --> 00:50:22,458
J.D. brought in his dad's
Rolling Stones album
"Let It Bleed."
779
00:50:22,458 --> 00:50:24,875
And I looked it over...
780
00:50:25,792 --> 00:50:28,125
and I picked this song
and said,
781
00:50:28,125 --> 00:50:30,250
"This is the coolest song
on the album."
782
00:50:30,250 --> 00:50:33,041
And it was
"You Can't Always Get
What You Want."
783
00:50:33,041 --> 00:50:35,041
And he said,
"Are you positive
784
00:50:35,041 --> 00:50:37,250
that this is
the best song,
785
00:50:37,250 --> 00:50:38,959
the coolest song
on the album?"
786
00:50:38,959 --> 00:50:42,250
I was like,
"Man, I couldn't be
more positive."
787
00:50:43,917 --> 00:50:45,792
And then the teacher asked
788
00:50:45,792 --> 00:50:49,542
if anyone had brought in
their favorite song to play.
789
00:50:49,542 --> 00:50:51,500
And J.D. raised his hand
790
00:50:51,500 --> 00:50:53,542
and she called on him.
791
00:50:53,542 --> 00:50:57,041
And that's when everybody
792
00:50:57,041 --> 00:50:58,917
in sixth grade
793
00:50:58,917 --> 00:51:02,208
heard the coolest kid
794
00:51:02,208 --> 00:51:04,625
in the entire school
795
00:51:04,625 --> 00:51:06,000
play this.
796
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:11,792
♪ I saw her today
at the reception ♪
797
00:51:11,792 --> 00:51:15,417
- J.D. was like,
"What the hell is this?"
- ( audience laughing )
798
00:51:15,417 --> 00:51:18,875
And I was like,
"No, no, it gets better."
799
00:51:18,875 --> 00:51:24,375
♪ I knew she would meet
her connection ♪
800
00:51:24,375 --> 00:51:30,083
♪ At her feet
was a footloose man ♪
801
00:51:30,083 --> 00:51:36,250
♪ No, you can't always get
what you want ♪
802
00:51:36,250 --> 00:51:41,875
♪ You can't always get
what you want ♪
803
00:51:41,875 --> 00:51:47,917
♪ You can't always get
what you want ♪
804
00:51:47,917 --> 00:51:51,291
♪ But if you try
sometime ♪
805
00:51:51,291 --> 00:51:53,625
♪ You'll find ♪
806
00:51:53,625 --> 00:51:56,834
♪ You can get
what you need... ♪
807
00:51:56,834 --> 00:52:00,166
- And then the bell rang.
- ( audience laughing )
808
00:52:00,166 --> 00:52:03,333
- Boston, thank you so much.
- ( audience cheering )
809
00:52:03,333 --> 00:52:06,417
You're such a great
audience.
810
00:52:06,417 --> 00:52:07,750
What?
811
00:52:07,750 --> 00:52:10,875
I told you.
812
00:52:10,875 --> 00:52:12,959
Please, be seated.
813
00:52:12,959 --> 00:52:15,041
Please, be seated.
814
00:52:15,041 --> 00:52:16,708
I'm just a person.
815
00:52:16,708 --> 00:52:19,333
I'm just a person.
Touch me.
816
00:52:19,333 --> 00:52:21,542
I'm just a person.
817
00:52:21,542 --> 00:52:23,500
Please, be seated.
818
00:52:30,875 --> 00:52:32,542
Please, be seated.
819
00:52:33,792 --> 00:52:37,208
No, I'm just a person.
Touch me.
820
00:52:40,708 --> 00:52:44,041
Thank you so much,
really.
821
00:52:49,208 --> 00:52:51,750
Just two more minutes.
822
00:52:53,250 --> 00:52:55,917
Please, be seated.
I'm just a person.
823
00:52:55,917 --> 00:52:58,083
I'm just a person.
824
00:53:01,917 --> 00:53:06,083
- That person said,
"I know, I know."
- ( audience laughs )
825
00:53:08,959 --> 00:53:11,583
What do you mean,
"you know"?
826
00:53:14,542 --> 00:53:16,625
"I know."
827
00:53:21,208 --> 00:53:24,291
Nobody's
shaking their fist.
828
00:53:28,583 --> 00:53:30,083
Boston.
829
00:53:30,083 --> 00:53:33,333
Settle down.
I'm just a person.
830
00:53:35,083 --> 00:53:37,417
Thank you.
Thank you.
831
00:53:39,375 --> 00:53:41,625
Thank you.
Thank you.
832
00:53:50,792 --> 00:53:52,583
Good night.
833
00:54:07,750 --> 00:54:10,959
( music playing )
834
00:54:50,208 --> 00:54:52,792
( music ends )
55447
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