Original subtitles

When you are crazy about someone, it's hard to say goodbye.

- I'm going to miss you so much. - Promise me, you will be safe, OK!

Good God! She is going to a hoil for the weekend, not out in an organ trade.

Dad, we are trying to have a moment.

Oh, I got a phone card.

- It has a thousand minutes, do you think that is enough? - Yes.

When we talk... Let's look at the moon!

So we would know that we are staring at the same thing!

That one was a winner.

OK, go home, Frankie's girlfriend!

Dad, you just locked Heather outside!

She is not a dog. She can find the way out of the yard.

Sprinkle is coming on. In 5... 4... 3... 2...

SURVIVING JACK

- Subtitle edit by Rexy Momo Kobayashi

So... I had a hot girl friend,

My gun was looking fully loaded.

What's that! What's up bloom!

Yep, Freshman's year was going pretty... What the hell is that?!

OK, we can fix this. Uh, moisturiser.

- Are you using my make-up? - What? No. That would be weird.

- Please don't tell anybody! - Dad, Frankie is using my make-up!

I don't think that's your colour, chief.

- Ew! - What?

You know we do it.

Now that mom is in law school and dad is in charge,

when Rachel want something...

she waited until the moment mom left.

Is it cool if I have some friends to sleep over tonight?

- Do I need to pick anyone up and talk to anyone? - No.

Can I sit in my room and watch MacGyver eating a sandwich in silence?

- Sad, but yes. - Then I got nothing to ask, go nuts.

Thanks!

Jack, did you tell Rachel she can have a sleep-over?

- Yes, what? - I will be in law library doing a paper. I can't help you tonight.

No, it's fine. I can handle this like Frankie's sleep-over last week.

Ok, Jack, a teenage girl's sleep- over is a giant crap storm.

It is not the same. Teenage boys... so stupid.

You can look at George!

His back bag has got into the fence.

Let's watch what his brain has decided to do!

He is one of the smart ones.

- I can't believe that you made out with Heather Blumeyer. - Swing!

I got a killer opener when she get back.

"Sup, girl? You look good."

And then I hit her with a sexy look.

It's not a good moment for you.

Be aggressive, bro! Take your shirt off like it's nothing!

It is not matter what you said to her. It is just basic biology.

Her brain is assessing whether you are a good mate by your size,

- and odor. - Hey, Rach!

I am wearing after-shave and I can fit my whole fist in my mouth.

Since I started dating Heather, I no longer feel like just a lonely freshman.

I was cool.

Ladies...

What's up?

Whoo, the little wave, I see you!

Are you nodding your head, or having a seizure?

I am throwing out 'What's up',

cause I'm kicking freshman year in the ass right now!

What's up?

Urg, Peter Stagman, aka Stags.

Frankie Dunlevy!

Las Plamas Highschool, resident douchebag.

- They are happy coming over here. - He want you to show fear.

Show him dominant, take your shirt off like it's nothing!

Dude, no. I got like these weird moles.

So... how is everything going with Heather?

Oh. We are good, we do not have anything in common except for Franky, but...

Dude, he was talking to me, and yeah, it is going really great.

Ohh, because I just heard a very funny story that,

the first time you guys kissed, you farted.

He wants you to react. Don't do it!

That was a lie! You are a liar!

Don't get over excited, buddy!

What do you think that we should call this guy. How about, "Frankie Fart-and-kiss".

"Fart-and-kiss"?

You have been a bully for 4 years, be better.

Well, that.., that was just off the top of my head, OK?

There are something there though. Let's go!

George!

20 years I gave that woman...

and she run off with a lifeguard.

It is her loss. Come on! Lon!

I mean he is so young.

What does she going to do all day, except...

watch him work out or save lives...

or jump into a pool and...

be strong and...you know what, that was not my best pep talk.

Some diagnosis came back negative, continue treatment.

Jack! Busy curing cancer?

I should go.

How is it you have coffee with him everyday,

and after 30 seconds, I want to put my face in the fence?

Because he is our neighbour, and he is going through a tough time.

If you want to run the house, that's part of the job.

Besides, he is the only one in the block that you haven't told to go screw off.

Remind to tell Lon to go screw off!

Hey, ladies!

No female should make a noise like that unless she is giving birth.

- Then I'm just still young. - Thank goodness, I am a doctor.

Have fun at the law library!

You know what, I will do my peps work here. Hey girls, listen!

There are snacks in the cupboard and "Pretty Woman" in the VCR.

Outside notes: Prostitution is not glamorous.

It is one way ticket to diseases, addiction, oh, and...

You are leaving. Good luck with that paper!

- Come on, I got this. - I know. But.

...so Sarah was all like: "Niel, if you talk to that skank, you are not...

grinding on any of this.".

- Then what did you do, Sarah? - I broke up with him.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. - No, you didn't.

Kinda sound like she did. OK, ladies, here is the ground rule.

No screaming, no touching of my boozes,

no horse play anywhere near my photo

of me and Norman Swartz of course.

and absolutely, no calling up boyfriends.

Which I don't think going to be a problem for you.

Dad!

That's better not be my room.

Rachel's friend, open the door!

Damn it!

I better go pick up Frankie. Do you think your friend would throw herself out of my window?

- She's just gonna cry. - I can live with that.

Don't tell your mother, page me if you hear glass break!

Today sucked hard.

So what if it blown over, man.

May be in fact he would fall down in the assembly.

No way dude, that kid is super careful about how he walk at the assembly.

- What's your problem? - This guy talked all kind of smacks to Frankie.

- Call him "Frankie Fart-and-kiss". - "Fart-and-kiss"?!

- That is a terrible nickname. That will never stick. - Thank God!

I would go with "Fartacus".

Oh, no! Please tell me this stoner did not hear that!

Fartacus!

May be my dad was right, there is no way that nickname is gonna stick.

Hey, Fartacus!

What? It's a good nickname.

Fine, I'm sorry, I gave you the genius nickname everyone loved.

Solid apology.

Uhm, may be even later you can take a permanent marker,

and draw a penis on my face.

I don't know how that would help. You will need to deal with the situation in another way.

Take your shirt off, and punch Stags in the face!

- Michael, there's no winner in a fight. - I feel like there are.

Look, if you don't want to be known as, a fart kisser...

- I didn't do that. - We will never know that for sure.

Bottom line is, if you don't want to be known for something,

you should do something...

better. Change the narrative!

Hello? Yeah, he's right here.

No, no, wait a minute.

There is no Fartacus at this number. Don't call again!

- You friend is still in there? - Sarah is pretty upset.

She thought she and Niel have something special.

I'll fix this.

Sarah, this is Dr. Dunlevy.

What you and Niel had was not special.

Nice work.

Sarah, I know what you are going through.

Doug is mad at me because he thinks I hook up with Brian Hurley.

We are just lab partners.

Girls who look like us will always have these problems.

She doesn't look like you.

I know.

Sarah, just let me in!

Rachel, open my door! MacGuyver starts in five.

Hate that I can't get this opened.

If I was going to change the narrative, I need to come up with an epic idea.

Something genius.

What if I strip at the football game?

- Then everyone will see your penis. - Oh, right.

Forget it: just take your shirt off, and punch Stags in his dumb face!

Wait, I got it! Everyone see that sign in front of the school, right?

So what if we change the letters to say something funny?

- Then we will be legends. - I'm in.

My friends always have my back.

With one exception.

Where are the towers? Rachel said we might go swimming later.

I'm staying.

Rachel, did you order pizza? Because it's here, and I'm not paying for it.

Mon was worried, so she hasn't left yet.

Honey...

put the drill down!

I know how to get this girl out of our room.

I'm kinda a bad-ass at this.

If there was a branch in the military that specialised in mothering,

- I will be an official. - There is a branch in the military specialised in mothers.

It's called: The Coast guard.

Look, you got a depressed teenage girl on your hand.

At any point, she could

throw up from crying, or giving herself a tragic haircut,

- or just run off into the night. - Joan...

it is not that hard to deal with kids.

Anyone can do it with a functioning brain and two eyes.

It is an interesting way describing everything I have been doing over the past 17 years.

Well...

it finally happened.

My wife is engaged to that tanned idiot.

Uh, dad picked the wrong time to piss mom off.

Ohh, Lon, I'm so sorry!

I have a paper to write, but do you know who's great with this stuff?

Jack.

How can we spell those letters?

I don't know, I am not a big fan of spelling.

I got something amazing!

- Boom!

- "Cool sex hotel"? - Yeah.

- I don't get it. - What is not to get?

A hotel, and it's sex, and it's cool.

I don't know, dude, just take a picture of me with it, then get out of here.

- Run! - I can't run, you idiot.

Stop right there!

Have you ever had your heart broken, Jack?

No, because that's not a real thing.

- Lon, please go home! - It's too painful over there right now.

- What the hell are you doing? - Jack?

Hey, George. Nice abs!

Jack, this pizza box is squeaky clean.

Now, what would a teenage delivery boy come to this house...

without a pizza?

You, drop the pen and come with me!

Are there any boys in there?

Move it to the right!

I can only see the TV. They are watching MacGuyver.

Damn it!

George would do anything for my sister.

Just the girls here, sir.

But he wasn't a big fan of her boyfriend.

- Doug Manganaro, aka... - Mango!

- You are a dead man, Manganero! - Run!

Please don't drop me!

I want to ask you this one time: where are the other boys?

- What boys? - Wrong answer.

Ok, Ok! They are hiding in Rachel's closet.

Please let me up!

No one likes a rat, Mango.

- How is it going, champs? - Don't need any help.

- Oh, really? - I cut my hair.

Does it look bad? I think it might look bad.

Oh! Ha ha ha!

Go home, Lon!

Hello, mam'. We found you son defacing school property.

Also you have a small Latino boy hanging from the second story window.

Jack! It's for you.

What's up, boys?

How are you not freaking out right now?

Because I'm not Fartacus any more.

I'm going to be bad-ass,

who got thrown into a cop's car once anyone hear about this.

- Ok, no one can ever find out about this. - What?!

Cops said that they would forget about the whole thing, if you put the sign back the way it was.

- Fine, let's go! - Right, like you are going to get off that easy.

Now, I don't believe that adults should hit children.

But I got no problem with children hitting children,

so in the count of three, I want you guys to start wailing on each other.

- Wh-what? We are going to start hitting each other. - One, two, three.

- Ow, ow, ow! - You son of a...

Not hitting George enough.

Ok, he's good. Let's go to the car.

This sucked big times.

I know. Why do I have to do it?

No, I mean you could have spelled,

"This sucked big times".

Damn, he's good!

What exactly were you trying to accomplish here?

I were doing what you said. Changing the narrative.

When I told you to be known for something better, I mean something you will be proud of.

And God know, you can't be proud of this.

There is no God.

You are really one dark little dude.

No, you could have spelled that.

Oh yeah. Hey, nice.

- Ok, young lady, I... - I took care of everything.

Rachel is losing any sleep-over privileges for the next month,

crying girl's mom picked her up,

we gonna have to see a new haircut for her tomorrow.

I sent Lon home with "Pretty woman",

and had Alison to wear a bigger bra,

she look like an extra on Baywatch.

Now, honey. What do you want to say to your dad?

I'm sorry that I'm really attractive

and boys would always want to be around me. That won't happen again.

- Really, that was the best that..? - That is not exactly how I would have worded it,

- but OK. - Can I talk to you for a minute?

What are you doing?

Uhm, making all tonight's problem my bitch?

Why don't you go to the law library and study? I didn't ask you to help me.

Is there some weird things you think will happen when you ask me for help?

Like your penis, jump off your body,

then run into the wood, or run into some places, that no one want to read...

- I don't know what I am saying all of sudden. - That one got away from here a little bit.

Look, I would like nothing more than just sit back and let you do everything.

But I'm not going to get better at this unless I made my own mistakes.

I have been home with these kids for 17 years.

I can't just suddenly detached and not give a crap.

It's easier than you think.

- Could I at least give you a tip every once in a while? - Yes.

- Like now? - Go nuts! - There are still boys here.

This is the worst day of my life.

Hey, Fartacus!

May be it would get better.

- What are you doing here, Stags? - Came to party with your sister.

- She is not having anyone else over. - That is not what I hear.

I heard that she cheated on Mango with Brian Hurley.

- Hey, they are just lab partners. - She is slutting out.

- That is a lie, man. Don't say stuff about my sister! - Or what?

Are you trying to get crazy with me?

Do you know how much I benched?

I guess something more than three figure.

You know what, man?

Take a swing at me. I want you to!

That was a lie. I was lying

You are trying to get crazy with me?

You already said that.

You know what, this place is lame.

I'm out of here.

Make sure you're stopping by.

Sorry, that was for me.

Well, God, this was just been loads of fun,

but the sleepover is now finished. If I didn't conceive you, head for the door.

If you need the definition of conceive, head for the door.

I tell you champs, I thought that kid is going to beat the tart out of you.

- You're watching? - Yeah.

- And you're just going to let that happen? - No, I would turn the hose on.

Besides, you seem to be handling the situation.

But yeah, tomorrow he is going to start flapping his mouth about me again. So...

So what?

Here is the list of all of people's opinions that actually matter to me.

Your mother...

- That is not a list. - That's not an opinion that I care about.

Look, I promised you..., that kid

is not in anybody's list, why? Because he is an ass.

And the world is full of them. Believe me, I deal with them everyday.

Do you what I eventually realise?

They are just full of craps, and anybody worth the damn is not on your nose.

All my dad said were right.

On the next day back at school...

Hey look, it's Fartacus.

It helped me not care so much.

- Frankie! - Hey!

Having a really hot girlfriend kinda helped too.

So...

- did anything cool happen recently?

Uhm, nothing's worth mentioning.

Yep, this is going to be a good year.

By Rachel's next sleepover, my dad will be a lot more prepared.

I am telling you... If I found one of those boys hiding in this house,

I could just see me snapping,

and grabbing this letter opener...

and plunging into their jugular over and over,

until their blood were slurping out like a fountain,

you will be calling me say, "Jack, stop".

Don't kill me! I'm a virgin!

I saw him when I walked in.

Look at you! Getting the hang of this.

I think I can hang for a while!