All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S01E07.WEBRip.x264-ION10

[opening theme music playing]

[dramatic music playing]

[Jeremy] With the
all-hands-on-deck

harvest frenzy nearly upon us,

I had to work fast to complete
all the other projects

I'd started earlier in the
farming year.

And so, with the sun continuing

to blaze down from a cloudless
sky,

I decided to begin with what I
thought

would be the coolest job of
them all.

Seven hundred glass bottles.

Helping to set up

our newly-finished water
bottling plant.

This is a speed James May
would call supersonic.

Like your hat.

[Lisa] Groovy, right?

[Jeremy] I then discovered
that housing the bottling plant

in a metal shipping container

hadn't been my best idea.

It's too hot for words.

Okay. Hang on.

Let me just show you how it
finishes off.

48.6 degrees at that, at head
height.

-Okay, and then...
-48.6 degrees.

Okay, look, I'm gonna show you
how it kinda works.

There we go. There's two going.

The weight is a little under.

Okay, that one is perfect.

Then you take a cap, Jeremy,
okay?

Screw that on,
keeping an eye on over yonder.

And then you go to the hot box

and go like that

and then you're just
a quick second in here.

-Ooh, is that the labelling?
-Yeah, but I haven't--

There's a bit of--

Oh, look, there we go. That
worked.

-No, it didn't. You've made a
mess.

-I didn't. No, it's perfect.

-[Jeremy] It's not perfect.
-[Lisa] No--

[Jeremy] And then I take it off.

[Lisa] Any more bottles?

Okay, I need some more.

Okay, and then, oh...
oh, okay, that's not good.

Um, and then, sorry. Je--

[sighs]

In your own time.

There, a bottle.

[Jeremy chuckles]

-49.7 degrees.
-[Lisa] It's really hot.

[Jeremy] If it reaches 50
degrees,

we're allowed to go on strike.

-It's hot.
-Holy shit!

[pleasant music playing]

[Jeremy] Finally, though,
England reverted to type.

[thunder rumbling]

[piano music playing]

The end of the drought

was all anyone in the area
could talk about...

I think.

[heavy accent] I don't have to
hear about

your one with a bigger...
[indistinct]

What have I put me head into
here? [chuckling]

Well, you know, I mean, I've
done... [indistinct] Yeah.

Excellent. All right, thanks,
Gerald.

I went down the side of old
Green Wood

on the old electric fence.

I mean, that was, like,
you know, for horses.

Okay.

So up there, the guinea pig,
two of them there was

and they tried to get out
before I could get in the gate

and I thought, "Oh, my God,
they will be acting the goat."

Yeah.

[Gerald] Well, not at your age
now you wouldn't. [laughs]

[Jeremy] Brilliant. All right.
We'll let you get on.

[Gerald] Okey-dokey.

[pleasant music playing]

[Jeremy] I then headed for the
farm shop

where Lisa had been hard at work
and finding new things to sell.

It's an actual shop.

I know. Smell the strawberries.
Aren't they delicious?

No, no, no. Don't eat them.

-Oh, they're so good.
-Unless you want to buy them.

And cakes.

[Lisa] Loads of cakes.

Holy cow! It's a proper shop.

Piccalilli, I love piccalilli.

Fruity chutney.
God, we've got everything.

Yes. The milkshakes, I've sold,

and they apparently are
delicious.

-So, we've got cheese,
milkshake...

-[Lisa] Cream.

What's in here? [vocalizing]
Oh, my word!

We've had a run on the sausages.

-[Jeremy] Sausages, bacon.
-Yeah, yeah. Sausage rolls.

-[Jeremy] Rump steak.
-Yep.

[Jeremy] Burgers.
God, wait until the camp site.

-You know they're reopening on
the fourth?

-Yes.

Can I... Can I just ask?

Simple question.

You know the planning permission

says everything has to come
from within 30 miles?

Yes.

That it has to be a local shop
for local people?

Yes.

Is this a Cotswold pineapple?

No. No, but I was low on stock.

-Oh, and these avocados.
-Yes.

Again, not that local.

No. Well, they came
from one of the shires.

-I'm not sure which one.
-You know, eating two of these--

They don't come from a shire,
they come from South America.

Shire.

Eating two of these
does more environmental damage

than driving a Volkswagen Polo
for a year.

[Lisa] No way!

That's bad. I'm not gonna
stock avocado anymore.

So, apart from those eggs,

okay, there's nothing in here

that I can see which is from
our farm.

[Lisa] Well, meet me halfway.
Give me anything.

-Grow something, make something.
-I am growing things.

Do something.
I've nothing in here from you.

[Jeremy] At that moment,
His Cheerfulness arrived.

-[Charlie] Hello.
-Hey, Charlie.

Charlie.

Wow! This looks absolutely
fantastic.

It's good, isn't it?

Well, just 'cause Lisa's done
something, you like it?

-[laughs] No.
-That's what it is.

It looks... genuinely looks
smart, doesn't it?

Uh, how local are the
pineapples?

Cotswold pineapples.

Are they really? Avocados?

Cotswold.

[Charlie] And... and what about
margins? Have we--

We haven't really done a
budget, have we?

I like budget.

-You know how I like--
-[Jeremy] I know.

I like to know that the bottom
figure doesn't have...

-I'm working on about 40%.
-Okay.

It's 40% on everything?

-[Lisa] More or less.
-Okay.

[guitar music playing]

[Jeremy] Ever the gentleman,

Charlie then had a quiet word
with me out of Lisa's earshot.

So, just on pricing,

-with a 40% markup...
-Yeah.

Wholesale price of strawberries
£2.80,

sold for £3.50, 70p.

It's 25%.

That's Lisa's maths.

So we ought to just-- I'm not
blaming--

I didn't know.

No, I'm just saying

that they learn differently in
Dublin.

-[both chuckle]
-Maths.

Well, we just need to check
that we've got

appropriate prices for
everything.

Okay.

[guitar music playing]

[Jeremy] On the subject of
Lisa's plea

for more farm produce,

there was something I could do,

because my quarter of a million
bees

had had enough time to make
some honey.

Burn, baby, burn!

[coughs]

I'll have no biting from you
today.

Here we go.

When I got stung last time I
was here,

my foot throbbed for four days.

I mean, really throbbed.

And then itched so violently

I wanted to saw it off, my
whole foot.

Here we go. Look at all that
bee juice.

Holy Mother of God, that's a
lot of honey.

Excellent.

Oh! So exciting.

I've just thought.

[laughs] I'm going to be
driving back

and all the loose bees
are going to go in the car.

Yeah, not much I can do about
that.

Oh, shit!

Oh, Christ!

I've got one in my suit.

How the fucking hell's that
happened?

Argh!

And it's stung me
right in the arse cheeks.

Oh, this really, this is bad.

Agh!

[thrilling music playing]

Having taken a brave pill,

I stacked up the remaining trays

and set off with my unwanted
passengers.

Oh, I can hear them. Listen.

How can it be legal to drive

with a beehive in the back of
your car?

Agh, I can feel that buttock
growing a third buttock.

Worst journey of my life.

Talk among yourselves.

I am just applying Wasp-Eze
to my own arse crack,

'cause the crew won't do it.

I just don't believe this.

A lot of bees there.

[banjo music playing]

With my third buttock now
numbed,

I started to sort out my bee
juice.

Look at this. Look at that.

A slab of beeswax, which could
be used

as furniture polish, floor
polish.

Percussionists use it to make
tambourines

make a better sound.

It's used in accordions.

Madame Tussauds, they made

all their waxwork models out of
beeswax.

The wax, in the olden days,

used to sell for 14 times more
money than the honey did.

[blues music playing]

My next task was to extract the
honey

using something called a
spinner.

Look at this.

The important thing here is to
be gentle,

so you get the honey
without damaging the honeycombs.

This is all honey down in here.
All honey.

Um...

Oh, God, look what's happened
here.

But, despite the damage...

Look, look, look, look, look,
look!

My first jar of bee juice.

[country music playing]

The next day,
with the honey all packaged up,

I picked some of my vegetables.

Look at this.

Whoa! That is vivid.

And then, laden down

with actual produce from my own
farm,

I proudly headed to the shop.

[Lisa] Oh, wow!

Right, so that's the first
batch of honey.

I've got more coming later. And
then...

Oh, wow, how did you do this?

Chard?

Oh, you've brought it in a bag
from our closest competition.

Oh, God, I have.

[chuckling] It's a very fine
food shop

half a mile down the road.

The honey is fantastic.

How much do you want to sell it
for?

Well, I saw in Daylesford the
other day,

half that was £20.

Half that?

And it was £20.
I think you can easily go...

-£7?
-For those-- No, more.

-Really?
-Yeah, more.

I've worked bloody hard for
that.

I've been stung twice.

I'm not selling it for £7.

£10.

-£8.50.
-They stung--

No.

Sorry, are we holding you up?

Sorry, there's a customer.

Then the price issue got even
worse.

A lady's just come in.

She said,

"Well, I'll give you £6.50
for it,"

and Lisa said "Fine."

[scoffs]

She just happened to capitalize
on an argument

and now she's getting
that honey for £6.50.

Yeah. They arrived in this
morning.

It's just, this isn't how Asda
is run.

They don't ask the customers
how much they'd like to pay.

-Yep.
-[woman] Do you take cards?

We do. Only cards now.

-[woman] Oh!

-[Lisa] Yes. Um, if you'd
like...

[Jeremy] Whilst I was having a
sulk,

Kaleb arrived in his new toy.

[engine revving]

Oh, look at this.

That's actually very cool

and I just heard you go by
earlier.

Did you? [laughs]

-It does make a good sound.
-It's nice, isn't it?

Nice.

So, this was your styling then,
the black bonnet, black roof?

Yeah, black bonnet,
black roof, black spoiler.

I bought the new spoiler for it.

-I had the windows tinted as
well.

-Of course you did.

So, basically, when I bought it,
two days after having it,

driving out of Long Com
at 60 miles an hour,

this comes up like that, folds
over that.

That bit here was bent in.

What, the roof?

Yeah, the roof was about that
far from my head in the cab.

-What, just from the bonnet?
-From the bonnet.

Why did the bonnet catch give
up?

Because apparently it's a thing

you've got to look out for on
these.

They rust away.

And this is your first
proper car, isn't it?

It's my proper dream.
This is my dream car, this,

ever since I was a kid.

-What, you wanted a 350?
-A 350.

My only slight concern
is this is a GT car.

-A Grand Tourer.
-Yeah.

A long-distance car.

But since you never go
further than three miles

from where we're standing now...

Yeah.

-Where's the furthest you've
been in it?

-Um, Banbury.

-Ooh, 12 miles.
-Twelve miles. That's it.

What, and then you got scared?

Then come home.

Also. Are you wearing a
hairband?

Yeah. A hairband to keep my hair
out of my face.

[Jeremy] Is that because

-you haven't had a haircut for--
-Yeah, for ages.

On the 27th, though,
I'm getting it permed.

You're going to drive around in
this car with a perm?

Yep.

-Oh, yeah! [chuckles]
-Watch out, Chippy! [laughs]

[both giggling]

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] After Vidal Sassoon
had left,

I went into the woods
to see my wasabi plants,

which I'd decided were now ready
to be turned into cash.

Sadly, though, the recent
heatwave had taken its toll.

Um, as you can see,

everything I've planted
at this end of the bed

has not just died,
but totally disappeared.

It's got 27 plants,

which means 73 have died.

This end, where there's still

quite a lot of water coming
through,

things aren't too bad, though.

Oh, yes!

Look at him.

Hello, look at the size of him!

The good thing is,

all the restaurants recently
re-opened

and the chancellor is even
paying people

to go and eat in them,

so I can get that down to
London,

get it into some Japanese
restaurant

and they'll be amazed.

[whimsical music playing]

Because I was so busy,

obviously I couldn't spare the
time to go to London.

But, luckily, I knew just the
man for the job.

He'd only been to the capital
once, on a school art trip,

and he'd been so scared

he hadn't dared get off the
coach.

But he's all grown up now and,
at the very least,

I figured the trip would give
him

an opportunity to drive his new
car.

But no.

A few things you're gonna need
to know.

Have you got your ULEV?

What's that?

Ultra-low emission.

That diesel engine
was made before 2015, yeah?

Yeah.

So, you're gonna need to pay
that congestion charge.

You're gonna need at least 15
apps for your parking,

for all the different companies.

And every single thing
you can do in the countryside

you can't do in London.

If you get stabbed, right,
they won't have that on CCTV.

You make a cheeky left, they
will.

How the fuck do I pay

an ingestion charge and stuff
like that?

-What is that about?
-You make a call.

I can't just-- Why can't I...

But don't make a call
while you're driving.

Why would you do that, then?

Or you can do it on an app,

and the ULEV as well. Don't
forget that.

It's about 28 quid
to drive into London in this.

Well, it's free round here.

Yes, I know everything's free
around here.

Every single thing

you can do around here,
everything,

you can't do in London.

I think we've got the jobs
a little bit wrong today.

Go to London, sell wasabi.

Don't take less than £300

and I'll see you back here
tonight.

-£300 per kg?
-Yeah.

-All right.
-It's valuable.

See you tonight.

Yeah.

[Jeremy] He's genuinely nervous.

[GPS chimes]

[automated female voice]
In 100 yards,

turn left onto Church Road.

This route avoids congestion
on A40 in London.

You are on the fastest route.
You will arrive at 9:29 a.m.

What?

There ain't congest--
congestion. I'm in Chadlington.

-[GPS chimes]
-One mile.

One mile for what?

All right, here we go.

I am officially leaving
Chadlington.

My palms are really sweaty.

Like, really sweaty.

Going on the motorway? Eh?

Right, here we go.

-[GPS chimes]

-Continue on the M40 for 27
miles.

M40 for 27 miles?

Jeez!

[Jeremy] If Kaleb thought
things were

bad for him, they were worse
for me...

[country music playing]

...as this is the time of year

when farmers apply for their
grants.

This meant I had to tell the
government

exactly what I was growing.

That meant paperwork.

I've been looking forward to
today,

'cause I love form-filling.

Yeah, yeah, it's quite

a useful few hours, because,
um...

Hours?

-Yeah.
-[Jeremy] So, this form...

Yeah.

...which is hundreds of pages
long...

[Charlie] It's 22 pages long.

I've got better things to do
with my time than this.

-But it's... We've got--
-How much do they pay?

Because whatever it is,

I'd rather pay it myself
than fill in a form.

Really?

-360 hectares you have...
-Yeah.

...and they'll pay you £220.
So that's £82,000.

Right, I'll fill in the form.

So, the first thing we'll need

is a farm map. So, there's the
map.

And there are certain codes.

So, you see that that there
says...

-[Jeremy] AC66.
-So that's wheat.

Why is it wheat?

Because that's the code for
wheat, Jeremy.

-What's AC17?
-Maize.

-What's PG01?
-Permanent grass.

-What's WO25?
-Those are woodlands.

Have you ever flown
into a really, sort of,

let's say developing world
country

and they give you a massively
complicated immigration form?

-Burma, for example.
-No.

And you know when you fill this
in, which takes an hour...

or Cambodia... they put it in
the bin.

That's what going-- We are--

This is developing world
nonsense, this is.

So...

[Jeremy] Right, so there's how
many fields

on the farm? I've forgotten.

Uh, there's about 42.
So, there's Dead Man.

-Yeah.
-So...

-So, we have to go...
-That's got wheat in it.

Yes, but it's got last year's
crop in it at the moment,

which was oil seed rape.
So, we have to go through this.

But it's got wheat in it.

Yes, but as far as the
government are concerned...

Well, it hasn't. It's got--

I know it's got wheat in it.
I've seen it.

They don't know that yet.

You have to be accurate,
Jeremy, about...

[marching band music playing]

[Jeremy] Meanwhile, 70 miles
away,

Sir Ranulph had finally arrived

in the center of a COVID-quiet
London.

Not that he saw it that way.

[sirens blaring]

Where am I?

In there, in here? What is
going on?

[GPS chimes]

[automated female voice] In 100
yards,

use the second from the left
lane

to turn left onto Piccadilly.

Then use the second from the
left lane

to turn slightly right
onto Duke of Wellington Place.

What? No, not a chance in hell.
I'm going straight on.

-[GPS chimes]
-At the roundabout turn left.

Turn left onto Constitution
Hill.

-[GPS chimes]

-Take the first
left on the roundabout.

I don't understand. Don't keep
telling me to turn left!

-[GPS chimes]

-Turn right into Grosvenor
Place.

-[horn honking]
-What are you beeping me at?

Dickhead!

Hello. Just cut right in front
of me, why don't you?

-[GPS chimes]
-From the right lane,

turn slightly right onto
Piccadilly,

then use the left two lanes

to turn left to stay on
Piccadilly.

What? No, no, no, no. I need to
go there.

[horn honks]

Sorry, friend.

Congestion charge. Jesus!

Ultra-low.

-[GPS chimes]
-Turn left onto Old Park Lane.

Great. No left turning.
Ah, you're fucking having me on!

I'm meant to go left down there.
I've got to go left here.

I am looking for a restaurant
called Nero.

Nero, Naro,

Nero, Noro, Naro.

[Jeremy] Eventually, Kaleb found

the restaurant he was looking
for.

All right, where do I park?
Come on, park.

Pay by phone.

027125.

[recorded male voice] Sorry.

We're unable to park you in
this location

as its restrictions
do not allow your vehicle type.

Please look for alternative
parking locations nearby.

Thank you for calling

Westminster's pay-to-park
service.

To find out more available ways
to pay,

change your card or vehicle
details...

What is going on?

...or download VAT receipts.

Please visit www...

[marching band music playing]

Enter your card's expiry date

exactly as printed
on the front of the card.

To find out more
about alternative ways to pay,

change your card or vehicle
details or...

Shut up.

Right.

That's that done.

Ten quid just to park here for
an hour.

Hello.

[director] What are you doing?

[Kaleb] Trying to open the door.

[director] Why?

I haven't got any gloves and
it's London.

How are you doing? Are you all
right?

I've got some wasabi for you...

-Oh, la, la, la, la, la.
-...off the farm.

Yep.

So...

-[Kaleb] Jesus!

-[chef] Have you tried your
wasabi?

-To eat?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice.

I like it. I didn't have it
on any fish, mind.

I had it on, like, a ready
salted crisp.

Yeah.

I'm more like a roast dinner
chap, you know?

-Mm-hmm.
-A proper roast dinner.

Well, we try, yeah, your wasabi.

Nice, like, creamy. I can smell.

Nice one, nice one. Very good,
very good.

And do you want to buy the
wasabi?

Are you interested in--

Not too much. Not too much.

If you look at it, though,

it's top-quality Chadlington
wasabi, that.

Quality good, right.

But the wastage, there's so

much wastage
because of the size.

[Kaleb] Yeah.

[chef] So, we need to have,
like, a bigger

size, otherwise, like, too much.

-Too much waste?
-[chef] Yeah.

Ah, right. Okey-dokey.

-Well, thank you very much for
everything.

-Thank you very much.

-I'll try my best to grow a
bigger one.

-Good stuff.

Oh, no!

Sixty-five quid?

Full charge 130 quid?

Oh!

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] With Kaleb

losing the profits he
hadn't made,

I was busy regretting planting
so many different vegetables.

Broad beans, beetroots,
chard, peas, swede,

kohlrabi, turnip, cabbage,
leeks, pak choi,

rhubarb, broccoli, cauliflower,
kale and marrow.

Yeah. Now, the government has a
code,

obviously, for all of those.

-Yeah.
-Broad beans has got a code?

Broad beans has a code.

-I have to look those codes up.
-Yeah, look them up.

And then tell them exactly how
much.

What do they want it, in
centimeters?

-Square meters will be fine.
-Square meters.

You've got to do it
to four decimal places.

If you see, we've got four
decimal places.

They want it to with--
They want it that tight?

Yeah, it's very accurate now.

Can't you just write vegetables?
Can we guess?

There isn't just--

Uh, you could, but then if
you're wrong,

they might implement a penalty,

and, you know,

they have got eyes in the sky
now,

so, you know, there's satellite
images.

Are you telling me

the British government

is photographing my farm from
space

to see what I'm growing and
doing with it?

Absolutely.

[marching band music playing]

[Jeremy] Desperate to make some
money from the trip,

Sir Ranulph, aided by his
chatty satnav...

[automated female voice] Harley
Street, then turn left onto...

[Jeremy] ...was now
looking for the next restaurant.

[automated female voice]
Turn left onto

Curzon Street, then turn...

Head southeast on Stanhope Row
towards Shepherd Street,

then turn right onto Hertford
Street.

[Kaleb] Oh, my God!

[GPS chimes]

Turn left onto The Mall.

Oh, look at that.

Is that where the Queen lives,
in there?

[Jeremy] At the next
restaurant...

What have you got to offer?

This is the wasabi

that's grown on the farm in
Chadlington.

-Do you know where Chadlington
is?

-Chipping Norton?
-No.

[Jeremy] Kaleb was in full
salesman mode.

I've been told, come away from
my boss, £300 a kg.

£300 a kg? You're dreaming,
mate.

Let's have a look here and see

what you've actually
managed to produce, eh?

-[Kaleb] Yeah, let's have a
look.

-So, there you go.

204 grams.

Really, if you're gonna clean
it down

you've probably got more like
150 grams, let's be honest.

Yeah, all right. 150 grams.

-What's that? A tenner?
-Eh?

I'll give you ten quid for it,
mate. That's a good deal.

I reckon we do a deal. Go £15.

-I'll give you ten, mate.
-Twelve.

Ten it is.

Okay, deal.

It just cost me £10 to park.

There you go.
You pay your parking for free.

[GPS chimes]

[automated female voice]
In 200 yards, turn left onto

Lancaster Place. A301.

Uh, we are off to the Shard now.

Something called the Shard.

I want to get in there, get it
sold, get out of there, go home.

I've had enough.

[Jeremy] This is probably
a good time to reveal

that the only thing Kaleb hates
more than cities is heights.

Oh, don't tell me that's the
Shard. You are winding me up.

Oh, Jesus!

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus!

[elevator beeping]

Oh! Don't look at the levels,

don't look at the levels,
don't look at the levels.

[automated female voice] 32nd
floor.

[groans]

That's horrible.

-Doors open.
-[groans]

[Jeremy] Still, at least the
trip was completely pointless.

£25, 100 grams.

-Let me digest that and I'll--
-[Kaleb] Yeah?

Yeah, I'll give you a call.

-You're sure you don't want to
buy it now?

-Unfortunately, not now, no.

Shit! Okey-dokey. Cheers.

-[cell phone rings]
-Mum.

Hello. My signal is bad.

I'm up the Shard.

Ever heard of it?

It's like a big building in
London. It's not very good.

It's like 1,000 feet up in the
air.

Look, I've got to go, all right?

-[director] Who was that, Kaleb?
-That was my mum.

She was worried about me.

[chuckles]

She's seen me on the family map
thing and said,

"Why are you in London?"
I'm like, "I'm up the Shard."

She goes, "Where?" "The Shard
in London."

I must admit, it's quite a nice
view, actually.

It would be better if there was,
like, a farm, fields, hills.

-[director] Are you all right?
-No, not really.

Today I have made...

nothing.

[gospel music playing]

[Jeremy] After Kaleb's failure
to sell the wasabi in London,

we put it in the farm shop...

where it rotted.

And that wasn't the end of the
bad news.

God above!

Because Lisa's definition of
local produce

had come to the attention
of the authorities.

I've had an annoying email
from the council

which says that, um,

the stuff we sell in the farm
shop

has to be from a producer

based solely within

West Oxfordshire's district
boundaries

and they're saying that some of
the pâté

and cheese and what-have-you

is from Gloucestershire.

I mean, there's a pandemic
going on.

Millions of people are
unemployed.

We have a little business that

now has five people on
the payroll,

we're supporting local farms
and local businesses

and now we have to have

an enforcement case
opened on us.

I mean, God, give me strength!

[country music playing]

Fortunately, I had already
had a genius idea

for making the produce very
local.

All right. I put the bee
honeycomb stuff.

I'd decided to turn my spare
beeswax into scented candles.

Oh!

Taking my inspiration for the
scent from a Hollywood A-lister.

What do you think of that?

[gasps]

And not just lavender.

A spring onion.

Just a hint of broad bean.

And there we are.

Let that set.

At the shop, Lisa was delighted
with the results.

You cannot label that
"This smells like my bollocks."

You just can't.

Gwyneth Paltrow has made a
fortune

from her candles which smell
like her...

[mouthing] vagina.

Do you think these will sell
more

because it smells like your
bollocks?

[Jeremy] I've also-- Look,
"These beeswax scented candles

were handmade by Jeremy
Clarkson.

You'd never know it, but it's
true,"

and I've signed it to prove I
made them.

[country music playing]

Meanwhile, down at the trout
pond,

Kaleb, now safely back
in his natural habitat,

was busy protecting
another source of revenue.

[Kaleb] I am putting a fence up.
An electric fence up.

We've seen a couple of dead fish
on the side.

Oh, poor fishy. It's got some
puncture wounds on it.

So, Jeremy put a trap camera
down here

to see what was causing the
fish to die.

Turned out there was an otter.

So, I'm putting up an electric
fence

around the outside of the pond
where the fish are,

to try and stop that otter
getting in.

But we've also had to put this
up because

the heron keeps
coming in.

That's another thing
that will take a fish.

So, I've had to put this fence
up,

put the owl up to try and scare
the heron away...

[grunts]

and put a metal man up

to try and deter him as well.

There's a lot of work in fish.

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] A week later, my local
pub

agreed to put our trout on its
menu.

So, I went down to the pond
with a net,

feeling weirdly conflicted.

-The only reason this fence is
here...

-Yeah.

...is to stop the otter eating
the fish,

so we can sell them
to rich people in the pub.

[Lisa] Yeah.

The whole point of this was
wilding.

[Jeremy] I then decided
I didn't really care about that,

so we got to work.

[whispering] You throw some
food in.

-[whispering] Put the food in
first?

-Yeah.

Yeah.

Then I'll be ready to pounce
with the net.

Fish, fish, fish, fish.

You can't call them.
They're not like dogs.

Well, I do normally.

[Jeremy] Right. You can see
where my net's gonna go in?

-Yeah.

-That's where you've got to
chuck it.

I need to get them food first.
Fish, fish.

No. Fish, please, please.

-Will you just put it where the
net is?

-Okay, fine. There.

-Thank you.
-See, they know you're there.

They don't-- They're not
Stephen Hawking.

Shit!

[sighs]

-Ready?
-No.

Steady and go.

-[Lisa] Oh, dear, I think I've
got some.

-Oh, well done.

[Lisa] Oh, my God! Yeah, I've
got like...

[Jeremy] Quickly, in the bucket,
before they do dying.

[Lisa] ...eight. Oh!

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] Thanks to my accuracy
with the fish food,

Lisa had landed a good catch.

[Lisa] That's awesome. My God,
they just look delicious.

Now we've got to get them to
the pub.

Come on, because it's
lunchtime in a minute.

Okay.

They've got to go in there
and then, hilariously,

the law of England says
they have to be oxygenated.

So, I have to have an oxygen
tank

to keep the water oxygenated

for the, what is it, six-minute
journey,

seven-minute journey to the pub

where they're going to be
killed.

Right.

[country music playing]

Very steep. Sorry about this,
fishes.

Come on, car. You know you can
do it.

You know you want to do it.

Delivered fish before, of
course, in, um, Mozambique.

That went well.

All right, it's heavy.

Vincent, look what I've got.

Wow!

[Jeremy] Just caught them a
minute ago.

-Trout.
-Baby trout?

Well, you say that. Succulent.

That's the one. That's got the--

you can just turn him over.

That's where the heron's beak
nearly got him,

so he's a lucky fish.

[man laughs] Not for long, not
for long.

[Jeremy] And they're two quid
each.

-Let's get them inside then.
All right.

-All right, you do that.

-Yeah.
-All right, chaps. Bye, fish.

Yeah, take care.

[banjo music playing]

[Jeremy] As June ended,
my new farm projects

were starting to tick over
quite nicely.

-Hello. How are you?
-Hello. I'm good. You?

Good, good. Fine, thanks.

Super. I've got some bags here.

[Jeremy] Thanks to a brief
respite from lockdown,

more people were visiting the
farm shop.

[Lisa] It's really good
to be finally open.

[Jeremy] And the pub had more
customers for our trout.

[dramatic music playing]

However, these ventures were
all sideshows

compared to the main event.

The engine room of the farm.

The crops.

Which had been in the ground now
for eight months.

[dramatic music playing]

For most of that time,

nature had been a vindictive
bastard.

But somehow, the barley wasn't
all completely ruined.

[Charlie] Actually, it looks
okay. It looks pretty good.

Given the year it's had,
you know, it was late drilled.

-Very late.
-Really wet.

Very wet.

Really dry.

Then it was very hot.

And actually, you know, it's a
perfectly good crop of barley.

[Jeremy] Charlie then announced
that harvesting was imminent.

Probably four or five,
five or six days away.

-There's a bit of green on the
stem.

-Oh, really?

Yeah. This is the worst bit.
The middle.

The rest of it is pretty ready.

-Really?
-Yeah.

[country music playing]

[Jeremy] We then moved onto the
next crop.

[Charlie] So, this is oil seed
rape, as you well know.

[Jeremy] Yes.

[Charlie] And these are the oil
seed. They come out of the pods

and they should be
nice and black all over.

Mmm, it's a few days.

It's probably a good ten days
away yet.

-Ten days?
-Ten days.

-And then we can harvest it?
-Then we can harvest it.

Excellent. So, is there

anything else left
to do with this?

Kill it, to make sure it's dead.

I'm sorry?

Well, I know it sounds a little
bizarre.

The rape is dying naturally
and the top is ready,

but the bottom is still very
much alive.

But you're saying you want to
kill off

the living bit of the oil seed
rape?

-The living bit of the oil seed
rape.

-Why?

Because it will,

it just makes it easier to cut
the crop.

So, what does a combine do?
It comes on, cuts it there.

It cuts that,
so that'll, you know, the knife.

Right, which could do that.

Or do you want it--
Is it easier when it's dead?

-It's easier, much easier when
it's dead.

-Okay.

[Charlie] Much, much easier
when it's dead.

And we're not killing the seeds,
because the seed's encapsulated.

[Jeremy] So we just drive
a harvester through it?

Yeah. Have you got one?

-No. We're gonna rent one.
-Very good.

-So, you've got a contractor
coming in?

-Yep.

-A few things to be wary.
-Yeah.

Moisture.

-Moisture?
-Moisture.

It needs to be between
six and nine percent.

So, moisture is the main thing

and the contractor
will possibly want to just say,

"Oh, it's only ten and a half
percent,

we'll come and combine,"

and you say "No."

I said you say...

You say?

-I won't be here.
-Can you imagine-- Can you--

What do you mean, you won't be
here?

-I'm going on holiday.
-What?

Well, you'll be fine.

You don't need me by then.
You'll be fine.

-I do need you.
-You'll be fine.

Hold on a minute.

All this and then it comes to
harvest...

[laughs]

I'm no use. Like, what do you
want me for?

Well, how am I gonna be able to
tell

whether that's got three

percent moisture
or 17 percent?

Well, you put it in your
moisture meter.

Is there a moisture-o-meter for
that?

-Have you not got a moisture
meter?

-No.

Ah.

Oh, God!

[dramatic music playing]

[Jeremy] My first harvest.

This is so much harder.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit!

Wait, wait! Whoa!

[indistinct]

[Jeremy] I have no idea.

Twenty lorries you should have
organized.

Twenty lorries?

Twenty lorries.
And it's gonna rain tonight.

You've fucked up.

[music playing]