All language subtitles for Balls.Out.2014.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H264-RARBG

You ready?

Let's go.

And, this is it.

Months of intense competition,
blood, sweat and tears,

all boil down to
one final game.

The Panthers have had
an unbelievable season.

But they'll need to
pull out all the stops
to conquer the Titans tonight.

Intramural sports don't get
much more exciting than this.

Hi, I'm Bill Costas,

here, with my color commentary
counter-cultural counterpart,
Dan Albert.

We are here,
at the IM championships.

Dan, what do you think
about tonight's match-up?

It's gonna be a doozy, Bill.

The Panthers,
led by Caleb Fuller

and his best bud,
Grant Rosenfalis,

have had a Cinderella season,

coming out of nowhere to
become a top competitor.

And we see them
warming up right now

with some
callisthenic chugging.

Ah, the joys of
having a baby bladder
and a young liver.

Absolutely.
But, I wouldn't count out
Dick Downs and his Titans.

They have been
literally unstoppable

all season long.
Killing it.

Yes, and the smell
of sexual and
emotional repression

is literally wafting
from the Titan's sidelines.

Butt kicks! I want
those heels in your ass!

Hey. Good luck.

God!

I don't know who you
think you are, Fuller.

This is football,
not a goof-off game

of butt-chugging
with the bros.

You guys do that?

Of course, I butt-chug.
Everybody butt-chugs.

What are you talking about?
It gets you drunk quicker.

And when would
you be doing this?

At a party,
in a room with
your buddies.

I don't know any
person who does that...

Stop talking
about butt-chugging!
This is football.

Relax, man.
It's just intramurals.

Heads.

I'm gonna kill you.

What?
Mount.

Bye.

And that...
And that's the note
you wanna leave on?

Got it!

It's do or die, Bill,

and with just
three seconds
left on the clock,

the Panthers will
try for one more play
to pull out a miracle.

This is it, cum junkies.

Do not mess up
or I will smash your
faces in with bricks.

I will go after...

Look, here's what
we're gonna do.

We're gonna run
the triple-Z, okay?

Vinnie, you're
gonna give me the pitch.
Cool.

Chance, I need a lot of
coverage from you, okay?
Yes, sir.

Grant,
you're getting the pass.

You give me the ingredients,
I'll cook the soup.

Okay. Ready?
One, two, three.

Z!
Z!

Butt-chuggers!

Watch 42. Watch 42.

You're mine,
turd biscuit.

Bogey, 20.

Eye of the tiger, men,
thrill of the fight.

Randy, read your keys.

Set. Hut!

Touchdown, Panthers.
Wow, Rosenfalis
held onto it!

What a play!

Yeah!

Hold on.
Something's wrong, Bill.

Rosenfalis is not moving.
He could be hurt.

You hate to see this, Dan.

Grant. Are you okay?

I can't feel

my penis.

Somebody call a doctor!
What about your legs?

Who cares? I can't
feel my balls. My boys.

Get out of my way,
I'm a doctor.
I can't feel either of them.

I'm a doctor.
All right.

Now, son, tell me,
can you feel this?

No. No.

I can't feel anything.

I'm sorry, he's been paralyzed
from the balls down.

Sorry for your loss.

Oh, God! What?
He's just leaving?

All right, okay.
Oh, God.

Stay with me, okay?

Caleb, it's more
than just intramurals.

It's more than a game.

Promise me you
won't give up.

What?
Promise me!

I promise.

Promise me.

I just did.
No, I promise.

Promise me...

Here you go, fellas.

Hey, Hank.

Me and some of the guys
are playing football
in a minute. You down?

Yeah, I can't.

Look, I can't actually play
if I don't bring someone else.
They won't let me.

And please don't make me go
to Home Depot and get
another day laborer.

Last time I did that,
Enrique broke his ankle
and then he got deported.

Well, I'm really sorry
to hear about Enrique,
but I gotta study.

We're seniors, dude.
What do you
have to study for?

We are fifth-year seniors.
And I gotta
study for the LSAT.

Dude, I didn't know
you wanted to
be a urologist.

Lawyer.
I wanna be a lawyer.

Wait. Did that she-demon
put you up to this?

Her name is Vicky.

She's terrible.
Break up with her.

Come on,
she's nice to me, man.

She's got that look, man.

What look?

That look...

Like she wants to
nail gun your nutsack

to a concrete wall
of commitment.

And you know,
one night,
you weren't here,

but she spent an hour
describing her glitter art

and how it was
inspired by 9/11.

Okay.
You know what, go play your little game.

Okay, I'm just gonna
have to pretend

that you didn't
just call football,

the sport that
built this nation,
a little game.

And I will pretend
that I didn't find a copy

of Sisterhood of
the Traveling Pants

in your Road House DVD case.

You have
the upper hand this time.

Gotta get to Home Depot.

West's Business Law.
You and me, forever.

The bitch is here.

Okay, Hank.

Hi!

Guess what I got for
Dancing with the Stars
tonight?

Um...

Peppermint Schnapps,
cottage cheese,
algae balls.

Uh...

Okay. Cool.

What, are you
not gonna watch?

No, I'm just,
well, studying.

You know, take the LSAT.

Oh, my God.
I'm so proud of you

for finally committing
to it. Good job.

Yeah, gotta...

Oh, thanks.
Gotta have a career,
you know.

Speaking of which,

Father is throwing
me a birthday party
at the club tomorrow night.

I thought he was
still in New York working.

No, no. He got
the microwave company off.

They don't owe
the children's
shelter anything.

Wow.

Uh, can't wait
to meet him.

You know, if it goes well,

I think that, probably,
he could put in

a good word
for you at Harvard.

Harvard?
Harvard.

Wouldn't you want
to spend a few years
with me in Cambridge?

That... That is an option,
isn't it, huh? Maybe?

Yeah.

You're such
a good boyfriend.

Oh. Oh.

If you wanna
take a study break,

I TiVoed the new
gynecology reality show,
Lip Service.

Wow.

Fascinating stuff.

Wow, I did not know
it would be this...

Elegant.
I know, I'm dying.

Daddy! That's Daddy.

Daddy. Thank you for my party.

Oh, my pleasure, honey.

Oh, and this must be
the Callum I've been
hearing so much about.

Caleb, sir.
Yep, but it is a pleasure
to be meeting you.

I'm gonna BRB.
Uh, just network
or do whatever. Okay.

So, I hear you
wanna be a lawyer.

Well, I'm gonna
shoot straight
with you, Callum,

because I am
a straight shooter.

Now, Vicky tells me
you're a bright kid,

but we turn away
a lot of bright kids
at my firm.

We interviewed this
Eagle Scout last week.

Beat cancer when he was 15.

Started a non-profit
for cancer patients

and raised over $6 million.

Then went to Harvard
and scored a perfect GPA.

We didn't give him an offer.
You wanna know why?

Uh, why?

He was ugly.
A really face-melter.

I mean, I get sick
thinking about him.

But you,
you're a good-looking kid.

Bet I could bounce
a bouillon cube off your butt.

Um, thank you.

So, you get a 178
on your LSAT and maintain
at least a 3.8 GPA,

then, in three years,
you can work for me.
Starting salary is $180K.

Whoa. Heh heh.

You look overwhelmed.

Uh, no. No, sir.
Just, lot of ifs.

So, buckle down.
Your job now is to make
sure your future is set.

Well,
that shouldn't be too hard.

Thank you, everyone,
for coming to my party.

Daddy, I know this is only
the fourth birthday of mine

that you've been able
to physically attend,

but I'm sure it's
gonna be a special one.

Love you, honey.

And I love you. Um...

Okay. Speaking of special,

there's also
a new man in my life
who's pretty special himself.

Um...

Uh, Vicky,
we don't need to...

Okay.

Caleb,

the last
five-and-a-half months

of our courtship
have been magical,

and you're
clearly taking steps
to ensure our future

and so, today on my birthday,
this day of days,

will you bestow upon me
the greatest gift
that can be bestowed

upon a woman, and that is,

Caleb Fuller,
will you marry me?

Caleb.

Cold concrete
wall of commitment.

Caleb?

Caleb?
Yeah?

He said yes!

Uh...

Smart choice, kid.
You got a bright
future ahead of you.

Heads up!

Hey, sorry, man...

Vinnie?
Caleb?

Yo!
Ho ho! What's up?

How you been?
It's been ages.

Yeah, yeah, like four years.
How are you?

I'm great, man, I'm great.
Never been better.

Cool.
You about to graduate?

Yeah. From college.

Right. Yep.

What about you?
How you been?

I'm good, I'm good.
Just, you know,
studying for the LSAT.

Gynecologist, nice.

Lawyer.

Wait a second.
I see you've been moonlighting
as a jewel thief.

Oh, yeah. Got engaged.

What?
Yeah.

Congratulations.

Yep.

So, I see you're
still throwing.

Ah, well, yeah,
I just throw the ball around
sometimes, you know.

Cool, man, cool.
Who you throwing with?

Nobody.

Yeah.

What?

Yeah. Nobody.

I just try to hit people,
you know,

and just pretend
it was an accident.

It's good, clean fun.

Good, clean fun.

Watch, watch, watch.
You see this guy?
Look at that asshole.

Ready?

Aim's a little off,

but still got
a hell of an arm.
Thanks, bro.

Anyway, you wanna go
throw a little bit?
Or, catch up or something?

Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know a better place, though.
Yeah, sweet.

Yo, a little ball help.

Yes! Nailed it!

Look at him.

Who did this?

Vinnie, when you said
you knew somewhere
better to throw,

I thought you meant,
you know, where we could...

Together.
Yeah.

Got it. Right. Right, right.
Yeah, yeah, let's go.

Ball help.

Yeah, so,
after the team broke up
freshmen year,

I started quarterbacking
for the Penguins,

but they gave me the boot
after we lost six in a row.

Ooh.
You still play?

No.

No, I kind of lost
interest after the...

Yeah.

Plus, school's intense.

I understand, man,
I understand.

You gotta get
serious about life
sometime, right?

Yeah.

You keep in contact
with any of the guys
from the old team?

No.

Although, I do think
I saw Grant get maced
on an episode of Cops once.

Oh, do you remember
that time

that Grant pissed in
George's water bottle

and he told him
it was Gatorade?

Yeah.

No, no, no.
You remember the time

that we pissed in
Jimmy's chicken soup,

and we told him it
was chicken broth?

Yes. Yes,
the look on his face, man.

Awesome.

Oh, man. Pissed on
a lot of stuff back then.

Best year of college.

Best year of my life, man.

Hey, this might sound crazy,

but what do you think
about getting the old team
back together?

Oh, my goodness.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?

Ooh.

She's not moving.
She's not moving.

We should relocate.

She's not moving!

Were you serious back there?
About getting
the old team back together?

Uh, yeah, let's do it.

What about Grant?

I got just the guy.

So you guys went to
the intramural championship

your freshmen year?

Yeah.

What happened?

We won.
On the last play.

Wow.

Okay.

And now you wanna get
the band back together.

The big issue is that
we lost all contact
with the guys.

I mean,
I haven't seen Vinnie
since freshmen year.

No, we don't know
where anybody lives

or even if they're
still in school, so...

But you remember
their names, right?

Because the university
website gives you
current contact info

for all registered students.

That's how I stalk
all the hot freshmen girls.

A little knock, knock,
"Welcome to class,"

tap that ass.

Nice.

So, are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking?

Yeah, that we should use
the university's website

to get all the current
contact information
for all the guys.

And attempt to
convince them to join
the intramural football team.

Dude, you're not
supposed to answer
a rhetorical question.

So, are you guys thinking
what I'm thinking.

Jimmy Harris.
Calm yet intense.

Perfect under pressure
and a real-life cowboy.

Look out!

Dude, what's he doing?
That horse is gonna kill him.

She's out of control.

Buttercup.

Wow.

Good utility player
and an amazing
student of the game.

Oh, forgive the mess.
I'm working on my thesis.

What is it?

I'm currently trying to find
the number in
between three and four.

Between three and four?
Yes.

Haven't you just
ever had a gut feeling

that there was a number
right in between
three and four?

You mean, like Pi?
No!

Not like Pi.

Okay.

Chance Gilman.
The lone wolf wide receiver.

We called him Magic Man
because he could
make magic on the field

and he was a bit of
an amateur magician.

Now tell me.
Is this your card?

How in the hell
did you do that?

That's called
street magic, Rafa.

You wouldn't comprende.

I'll show you street magic.

Go on. Go ahead.
Show me your magic.

Show me your magic!

Put the knife down, man.
Put the knife down.

What knife?

This white boy's crazy!

And that's how you do
magic in the streets.

What about Grant?

Leave that to me.

Hey, Grant.

It's me, Caleb.

I brought you
the Rocky Criterion Collection

on laser disc, man.

Purest of formats,
like you always said.

Look, man,
I'm getting the old
team back together.

Can't do it without you.

Why don't you
check the cemetery?

Grant Rosenfalis
has been dead for
the last four years.

Leave a message
after the beep.

Beep!

I just wanna talk to you, bud.

Beep...

All right.

Well...

It's out here
if you want it.

You took a breath in the beep.
I know it's your voice.

If you'd like
to make a call,

please hang up
and go blow yourself.

If these guys
are anything like
they were four years ago,

they'll be chomping at the bit
to get the team back together.

...he's having a hard time!

What makes you think after
four years, we should put
this team back together?

Come on. You remember
all the fun times we had.

Georgie, the night
that we whizzed on you
when you were sleeping?

You guys pissed on me
while I was asleep?

Yeah.

You don't do that
to a friend, guys.

I never understood
what was so cool about
pissing on everything.

Look, we were all
a bunch of stupid punks
back then.

It was fun,
but we're grown-ups now.

Caleb. I got dresses. Ah!

And you're having a party.

Hey, babe.
Just hanging with the boys.

Could I talk to you outside?

Am I on crack,

or are we supposed to be
planning our nuptials?

Uh, yeah. No...

How are we supposed to decide

what flavor of
edible tanning solution

your groomsmaids are gonna wear

if you're hosting
a seance of freaks?

It's football.

Babe, I need this.

You need?
What do you mean, you need?

You don't need it.
What do you mean?

No, like...

Do you understand
the pressure that I am under?

What's all this?
What's going on?
This goddamn wedding. I'm...

Why are you shaking?
There's just too much to do

and it's making me...

I can't stop shaking.

You're just moving
your hands, honey.
Come on.

I can't stop.

Babe, I need a release.

You know...
From the studying...

Okay.

And then you and me
on the same page again.

Yeah? Okay.
Okay.

But do you promise it won't
get in the way of us, please?

Yes. Yes, I do. I do.

Oh!

You better get
used to saying that.

Braid my hair.

Oh,
I'll braid your hair before
I break your face, bro.

Oh, horse whisperer's
got some spunk, huh?

You wanna go
eight seconds with me?

I only need six.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Desperados, slow it down.

Springsteen,
what is the deal?

Loosen the bandana, Hank.

Look, I don't know
about you guys,

but I got one
semester left, okay?

And then it is
off to law school
and the rest of my life.

Which I'm so happy about.

Yes.

Look, this might be
our last shot

at doing something
that doesn't matter.

Okay? For the hell of it.

Now I've already signed us up.
We got a game Thursday.

You show up
and we see if the old
spark is there, huh?

And if not,
you go your separate ways.

Okay? Who's in?

Here we go, boys! Down!

Spank it and shake it!
That's a hand in
the cookie jar!

Blue, 42. Set, hut.

Jesus, Randy.

Come here.
Come here, Randy.
Come here.

Hey. Why did you
just drop that pass?

You just thought you'd ruin
a perfectly good throw?

Or maybe you thought
you'd imitate the drummer
from Def Leppard?

I don't get that reference.

Yeah, well,
maybe you'll just
run wind sprints

until your feet bleed.

Yeah, I like
the sound of that.

Come on, buddy, hop to.
Let's go!

Dick?
What, Ace?

Can't you see I'm
enacting tough love?

I just wanted to let you know,
Caleb Fuller signed
up for the leagues.

From the Panthers.
The only team
that ever beat us.

Yeah,
his best friend Grant was
awesomely paralyzed by you

in the game-winning play.

I'm having a tough time here.
I don't... Fuller?

I brought
a series of photographs.

It's Caleb Fuller.

Look at that smile,
five miles wide.

Hold on.
There's a few more in here.
I got a...

Yeah. I know who he is!

I was just pretending
not to so it seemed
like I didn't care.

Who's their
first game against?

Perfect.

What does it say?

Opening night.
The grass is green,
the moon is out.

I'm blitzed out of my skull
and ready to watch
the first game of

what promises to be
a very exciting
intramural season.

I'm joined, as always,
by my cohort, Dan.
Dan, how's it hanging?

Glad to be here
after my arrest for
possession last week.

How'd your
step-dad take it?

Let's just say we
had to hire a plumber

to get the bricks
out of the toilet.

Always good
with the metaphors.

Metaphors, similes,
haikus, limericks.

He plays
the English language
like a fine guitar.

Where's Caleb?

Don't worry, he'll show.

That's not what
I'm worried about.

The team to beat
this season, the Titans.

Made up of
the fifth-year seniors
from the Who-Cares fraternity,

the Titans had been favorited
to go all the way,

thanks to Dick Downs.

It's just nice to know that

despite their good looks
and established wealth,

they're all
likely to suffer from
alcoholism and depression

some 20 years from now.

I want you to
rip off their heads

and shit down
their spinal cavity.

Aah!

Where the hell is Caleb?

Hey, you!
You're parked in
the handicap zone.

Hi. You-hoo.

Hi.
Hi.

You're in the handicap.
Your car.

You know what? It's okay.
My best friend used
to be paralyzed, so...

What?

He didn't used
to be paralyzed,
he used to be my best friend.

Oh, okay.

But I haven't
spoken to him in a while,

but he is still paralyzed,
so thank goodness.

Uh...

That doesn't go away.

Sorry, I guess.

That's okay.

Your shirt, that kind
of reminds me of him.
Eye of the Tiger fan.

It kind of
reminds me of Rocky III.
Best movie of all time.

I think you mean Rocky I.

What? Come on.
Yeah.

No, he doesn't
even win in the end.

It's not about the winning.
No, no, come on.
That's where he meets Adrian.

Yeah.
Oh. Interesting.

Mer-Bear,
did you bring my juice boxes?

Hi.

Well, well, well.
The prodigal pussy returns.

Hey!
What?

It's good to see you, Dick.

Still doing that.

Riddle me, riddle me,
riddle me this.

A man with no fear,
or a man with nothing to lose?

What about a man who's
not afraid of losing?

But I...

Look! Just get ready
to feel the pain.

Okay. Got it.

I'm gonna need
a juice box ready

when I'm done taking
sexual advantage of that guy

for four quarters.

Okay.

Dick, stop it.
What?

I said, stop.

I'm sorry.
Okay.

I'm gonna rip out
your colon and use it
as a spooky eye-patch.

I'll see you on the field,
Fuller.

Okay...

Wow. So...

He's a good one.

Mer-Bear.

Heh.

Just Meredith.
Okay.

Is that, uh...

Is that your boyfriend?

No, no, no.
No. Gross. No, that's...

Sorry, he's my brother.

Oh, okay.

That's my twin brother.
Oh.

Yeah, I know.

Okay. I'm gonna get going.

Okay.

It was lovely to
meet you, just Meredith.

A handshake?
Yeah.

You can't offer me
a handshake before a game.

Uh, all right.

You gotta get amped up.

Come on, give me a high five
or a chest bump or something.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll give you
a little high five.

Okay.
Cool with that.

We'll do a little
chest bumping later.
Okay.

What?

No, we'll just...

All right.

See you later.
Got it.

I just... Nope.

Are my eyes deceiving me?
I think that's Caleb Fuller
and the Panthers,

a team that won
the intramural crown
four years ago,

but disbanded soon after

their star receiver
was paralyzed
from the dong on down.

We haven't seen these guys
since we were
second-year seniors.

One wonders if they will
be able to recapture
the magic they once had.

We'll find out
soon enough, Bill.

But from the looks of things,
we gonna see
a beating so severe

that it would make
Uday Hussein
look like a Quaker.

And he, my friend,
was no Quaker.

Hey, man,
you're pretty strong, huh?

How much do you bench,
dude-bro?

Ready! Down.

Set. Hut.

Aah!

405, dude-bro.

Jesus.

Chance, Hank.
Check the ball.
Check the ball.

Whoa, call the Panthers
Houdini's Shittier Brother,

'cause they definitely
do not have the magic.

No, these panthers
look like pussies.

That was the lamest
excuse for football
I've ever seen.

Yo! Wasn't that bad.

Wasn't that bad?

Dude, they scored
my grandpa's age.

Um, you sucked just
as bad as we did.

Whatever, Magic Mike.

That movie has
nothing to do with magic!

Hey, Siegfried,
why don't you go jack off
one of your tigers?

Hey, leave him alone,
Friend-o.

Yeah, who put
you in charge, Hank?

It's clear that
I'm the only one here
with functioning testicles.

Yeah? How'd you like
them not to function?

Whoa, whoa! Calm down.
Everybody calm down.

It was a rough start.
We're gonna get better.

We're gonna get better,
right, Caleb?

Yeah, I don't know.
Just didn't feel right.

Yeah.

Didn't feel right
having your asses
handed to you.

Look, I understand
being a little bit rusty.

'Cause I was celibate
for three months once.

And when I got
back into the game,
I couldn't get erect again.

I can't even
begin to imagine

how you guys
were ever that good
in the first place.

They were good
because they played
with their hearts.

The Panthers I used to know
would take a beating like that

and come back with
the fury of a raging typhoon.

Those players
would calmly stare down
the dark lord of death

and nut-tap him like
he was a cheap
Mexican birthday clown.

They wouldn't
sit there and cry

like a group of schoolgirls
that didn't get
to feed the geese.

The men that I
once called friends

would do the only thing
they knew how to do.

Stand up and fight.

Okay, I'm sorry.
Who the hell are you?

My name is Grant Rosenfalis,
and I'm your new head coach.

There is a classic structure
to all underdog sports movies.

Rocky, Hoosiers,

Air Buds 1, 2, 3 and 5.

What about Air Bud 4?

A dog playing baseball?
Are you insane?

It was stupid.

Now, just like
in these films,

you lot are a ragtag team
of varied archetypes.

Currently zeroes,
though potentially heroes.

But only with
the help of me,

the crusty,
yet affable veteran

reluctant to revisit
his troubled past.

You're like
the exact same age as us.

Eight thousand wind sprints
for the boy with Asperger's.

All right.

Okay. Grant,
what do we do?

We train.

Damn! It's too slow.

I'll be employing
some unorthodox
training methods.

You'll be like
clay in my hands.

Resistant at first...

Why are we
training on the beach?

Because it's inspirational.

But over time,
malleable to my touch.

Athletic ability is not
the only skill to be honed.

There must be
interpersonal conflict.

Nice hooves out there,
Buttercup.

Shut the hell up.

There must be anger.

Ooh!

I hate you so much, Grant.

And passion.

Yeah!

Some of my methods might
be deemed controversial.

You guys sure about this?

Football is war, gentlemen.

And in war,
sometimes you get
shot with a gun.

Okay.

I can do it. I can do it.
I'm not gonna back out.

Why didn't you
shoot him in the vest?

You didn't tell me to.

It seemed pretty
self-explanatory.

Oh, God!
We gotta get
the hell out of here.

What did you do?

To lend a sense of gravity

to the otherwise
shallow athletic scenarios,

we'll need racial tension.

Then, you'll learn
to accept the freak
for who he is.

Hey, freak show.

Nice catch.

Creepy and special.

Moments of levity
should be found

amongst the rigors of training.

It was human piss.

And slowly but surely,
I'll begin to lighten up,

and you'll see that

this rough-around-the-edges
persona is merely skin-deep.

It didn't hurt.

Everybody laugh.

'Cause I'm paralyzed.

And as the music escalates,

you begin to
improve dramatically.

Finally,
the training culminates

in an epic, slow-motion
shot of celebration.

So I actually didn't know
what wind sprints were,

so I just grabbed
a quick little snack.

What, did I miss something?

No peeking.

Isn't that amazing.

It's made of
only soy, spirulina
and fermented radishes.

Uh-huh. Yeah,
swear I could've gotten
some rat feces in there.

God, I think this
is our wedding cake.

You know,
like, when you're little
and you think of your cake,

and then you taste
it and you're like,

"Aah, it's my cake"?

Yeah?

Oh, my God, don't you
have to go to LSAT class?

Uh, yeah, you know what?
I'm just gonna
skip this one, so...

Why?

We got a game.
But you should come.

Well, see, my dress weaver is
getting in from Milan tonight

and we're going to
a Peruvian sweat lodge

to start brainstorming
color schemes.

But also,
why are you skipping class?

It's just one class.

Hmm.

Well, it's just one class,
and then it's two classes,

and then it's like
you're cheating on me
with my second cousin, Maevid.

Maevid?

This is our future.

Okay. Yeah, I'll just...
I'll skip the game.

I'll skip the game. Okay?

Good. Better.

All right.
I love you.

For you.
I love you, I love you...

I love me-you. Yeah.
Loving me, me, me.

Mwah. Okay.

You taste like the cake.

Desolation!

Shield, shield, shield, shield.

You storming the castle?

Hey, you.

What's up?

Where are you off to?

I got an LSAT prep course.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh...

I'm assistant manager

of extracurricular activities.

Oh, so you graduated.

I did.

Four years straight through,

start to finish,
you're out.

Gene, that's
a level-six
sorcery violation.

One more, and I'll abscond
your dwarf rubies.

My humblest apologies,
fair maiden.

Carry on.

Oh, you rule
with an iron fist.

Whew. Just gotta...

Yeah. I wanted to ask you

what was it like
sharing a uterus
with Dick Downs?

My brother's an ass
sometimes, I know.

Yeah, what's the deal
with that?

He had this huge
football scholarship,
and he lost it.

Oh, what happened?

Got in a car accident.

Oh, my God, that sucks.

Yeah, but it was his fault.

He's a moron, but he's
my brother, so...

Yeah, anyway, um,

you should come
to our game tonight.

I thought you had
your prep course.

Yeah, you know what?

Now I'm thinking
I might skip this one.

Oh, okay. Uh,

you might need
to convince me.

Um, I really think
you should come.

You're gonna see
a different team.

Oh, come on.

You can convince me
better than that.

Be manly, like Rocky.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Yeah. Yeah.

I see.
Let's go there.

That kind of... Okay.

How about, um,

Y-YO,

you should totally
come to our game,

yo, seriously.

We're gonna pound
their skulls like
it's raw meat.

Stop, or my mom
will shoot.

Adrian!

God, that was,
uh, yeah, no...

I got a little
carried away there.
Was that good?

That was actually
surprisingly good.

Ah, thank you.

So you'll come?

GENE!

No more quickening
potions for you.

What? That's not fair.
I didn't do anything.

Like hell, you didn't.

We both saw you, Gene.

Listen, I, uh...
Gene.

I'll see you.
Okay.

I'll see you.

I'll see you tonight.
Okay.

All right.
Good luck.

Well, thank you.

And in a drastic
turn of events,

the Panthers
are neck and neck
with the Oilers.

This is not the same team
we've seen out there.

It's almost as if
Coach Grant Rosenfalis

has turned the team around

with his odd,
yet winning mixture

of been there,
done that attitude

and eclectic training devices.

It's a potent combination
that never fails.

No, sir.

Almost as potent as this.
Ready!

Down! Niney!

Set. Hut.

YEAH!

Dude!
You call that defense?

Back off.

Taking a T, T-time.

Caleb, come to "T."

Come on.

All right.

What's the play?

Triple Z.

What?

Grant, that's
the play that...

I can't.
You must.

You want to lead this team?
Listen to me.

You're on a dinner date
with fate right now,

and she keeps
touching your shoulder.

Quit ordering desserts
and take her home.

So what's the call?

Caleb.

What's the call?

Triple Z.

What? We haven't done that
play since freshman year.

Vinnie, I need
a great head fake from you.

Yeah.
Chance,
you're getting the catch.

Everyone else,
you know what to do.

I have actually
no idea what you're
talking about.

Hank, you go
out there, and you be
a distraction, okay?

On one. On one.

- Ready?
- Break!

Last play.

Let's see if the Panthers
can make some magic.

Ready.

Down.

Set.

Whoo! Look at me!

I'm beautiful!

Yeah, I'm
the prettiest boy
in class.

Hut!

Throw the ball!

Fuller's gonna run it.

He's at the 40,
the 30, the 20.

He could go all the way.

Fuller for the touchdown.

Despite having
a wide-open man,

Caleb Fuller
decides to run it in.

And just like that,
the Panthers are
back in business.

Whoo!

What's up? Yeah!

Yeah, man!

Yeah!
Whoo!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoo! Whoo!

Yo, good game
tonight, guys.
Way to go.

Yeah.
Man, you killed it.

Good job, man.
Do it like that.

Yeah, yeah.

You did great.
Good night, man.

We won the flag football
game because of you.

Good.
Yeah.

Hank, I'll see you
at home.

All right. Don't wait up.
There's a freshman thing
I'm gonna go check out.

Right. Okay.

Hi, Chance.

I just wanted to say
thanks for putting
the team back together.

Yeah, totally.
I really needed this.

Yeah, yeah,
me, too, man.

My parents don't
respect my magic.

My dad won't
look me in the eye.

My mom keeps
forwarding me emails

about how magic's
for nerds and losers.

They think
I should be a doctor.

Do you want
to be a doctor?

I'd rather have
an asp-tongued demon

impale the shaft
of my penis upon
a fiery scythe!

As seen in this painting
I did last night.

Ah, okay.

Got it.

That's graphic.

What do you want to do
after college, Chance?

I want to disappear completely.

Oh, like a...
Like a magic trick.

No, gone completely.

Okay.

Good... Good talking to you.

You couldn't do it,
could you?

We won, didn't we?

One game.

Man, what is your problem?

You hesitated.
You were scared.

Now, I know this is
just a fun, kissy-pants
carousel ride for you.

I need this.

Now, look,
not a day goes by

that I don't regret
what happened to you.

Why? You threw
the perfect pass.

Anything else,
we would have
lost that game,

lost the championship.

Yeah, well,
you'd still be able
to walk, wouldn't you?

It wasn't your fault!

Sure, I miss the game. I...

I used to feel
so alive out there.

Wind sweeping against my hair,

the slow drain of blood
into my still-working penis

to form the perfect half chub

that felt so awesome
against my freshly
laundered shorts.

I just...

But those days are over.

These men need you.

Grant,
it's just intramurals.

Not anymore.

You've changed things.

Getting the old team
back together,

you've given these men
a sense of purpose.

You're finger blasting
fate, kid.

Yeah, well,
what if I can't, huh?

What if I fail?

You know,
Franklin Roosevelt once said,

"Any boy can piss
on the floor.

"It takes a real man
to crap on the ceiling."

Can you crap
on the ceiling, Caleb?

It's not a metaphor.

You were right.

I did see
a different team
out there.

What happened, huh?

Well, you know,
people change.

What are you doing here?

Doesn't your,
uh, uterus buddy

have a game in 10 minutes?

You're not going?

No.

Figured I'd see
what you were up to.

You wanna go somewhere?

All right,
you all right?

I'm good.
Whoa. Okay, you're good.

So you swear there's
no crazy homeless people

living in here or anything?

Oh, yeah,
I assure you.

It...

Is clean.

You all right?

I'm great.
Okay.

So how'd you find out
about this place?

Well, Grant and I
worked here in high school.

Oh.
Awesome, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

Our senior year,
it got shut down,

but I held on
to a key, and, uh,

they never changed the locks,
so here we are.

Kept a key just,
what, thinking maybe

you could, like,
take a girl here
and flip the disco balls

and put on
the sexy lights,

maybe some sweet tasty jams.

Here goes.

Behold.

That's still pretty cool.

Even when
you know it's coming,
it's still pretty cool.

Am I right?

You might be right.

Hey!

Have you come
to eat my brains?

What the hell?
I thought you said there
were no homeless people.

I did not think there
was anyone here, I swear.

Who sent you? Who?

Yeah, we didn't know
anyone was here.

We're just...
We're gonna go.

Like hell.

Fenton! Cheesedog!

Who intrudeth into
the Thunderdome?

Minions, attack!

No, no. Whoa. Come on.

No, no. Whoa!

Raah!
Hyah!

- Whoa!
- Cheesedog!

Okay. Let's go.

I am so sorry.

I'm gonna drink
the inside of your face!

Yaah!

That was weird.

Yeah.

Did you see that kick?
Yes, I did.

I think I knocked out some
of the homeless guy's teeth.

That was amazing.

Damn, I should have
grabbed some of them

for a scrapbook,
or... I don't know...

I could have made you
a necklace or something.

Let's go back.

I think they'd
probably make us

do some pretty weird stuff
if we did, so we shouldn't.

Yeah, yeah.

So I got a question for you.
Okay.

What is it like graduating?

Well, um,

the ceremony was lovely.

Uh, my parents
flew in from Boston.

I meant... I mean, like,
um, what comes after?

Like the rest of your life?

Yeah. I mean, isn't it...

It's terrifying, right?

No, I mean, you don't have
to figure it out right away.

There's plenty of time.

Yeah, I just wish it
was a little more clear,

you know, like football.
It's just simple.

It kind of is.
It's a game of inches.

I mean, you take it
one play at a time, right?

You don't think about
what you're gonna be doing

in the fourth quarter when
you're in the first, right?

Yeah.

Sorry.

That was lame. That was...

No. No, no, no.
Oh, my God, no.

It's okay.
No, no, no.

Look, uh,
sports metaphors,

that's... That's
my love language.

Phew!

Heh.

Um...

I need to tell you
something.

Uh, can you tell me after?

Yeah.
Okay.

Well, look what
we have here.

Hi, Dick.

It's not weird
when you do that.

You do realize
we're twins, Fuller.

We share DNA,

so when you're
all up in her mouth space
like that,

it's just like you're
doing it with me.

How do I taste,
Fuller, huh?

Do I taste like Dick?

You taste like dick?

No. I'm Dick. Shut up.

I'll tell you what
I don't taste like,

cranapple juice boxes.

I'm sorry I missed your game.

It's cool.

Just a minor sibling betrayal.

We still won
despite lack
of proper hydration.

How'd your team
fare, Fuller?

You put on
a failure clinic
like last week?

Uh, we won actually.

Yeah, beat the Oilers
by seven.

It was awesome.

The Oilers? Damn.

Right?
They're good.

Shut up, Ace.

What are you doing?

He was talking.

He was just...

Thank you.

Hey, Dick, do you
think you could
leave us alone now?

I need five more seconds
of intimidation staring.

Mm, no.

Now.
Fine.

But I'm telling Mom.

Oh, and, Fuller,

remember, even though
you may have won tonight,

you're still gonna
have to face me
and my boys again,

and we're gonna make
that last game

look like a prepubescent
tickle fight.

Why are you... Stop.
Is that you tickling?

Tickleboy!

Tickleboy.

Tickleboy!
Tickleboy?

Come on, brodeos.

Let's make like
Lil' Bow Wow

and ball bounce.

It's Roll Bounce.

That doesn't make
any sense.

Rolls don't bounce.
Balls do. Idiot.

It is Roll Bounce.

Come on, Ace!

Wow.

Yeah.

So, uh, where were we?

I think you said

you had something
you wanted to tell me.

Nope.

No?

No.

You sure?
Yeah.

Whoo! Whoo! Yeah!

I'm excited.

You're gonna run it?

That's how
this is gonna go?

You're not even blocking.

Going right here?
Come on.

Yeah! Touchdown!

What up, players?

Double D, Dick Downs here.
Don't do it, Dick.

Just got a full scholarship
to play college ball.

And this right here
is my sweet new ride...
Don't do it.

...the alumni just
gave me for free.

And guess what.
Right now,

got a new car,
feeling like a star.

No.
Let's ghost ride!

No, don't do it.
Just get in the car,
and go home.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, no, no, just...

Just go dance
somewhere else.

I'm gonna live forever, baby!

Oh, no.
Dick is on the roof.

Oh, no.
Ghost ride that whip.

You're on the roof.

Ghost ride that... Ohh.

Oh, no. Ahh!

Oh, no! My leg! Aah!

Duke is gonna kill me!
Get up, you pussy.

Get up, you pussy.

I got a box of steroids
in the backseat of my car.

Dude, stop filming!

Go get 'em, dude!

Dick.
Whoa! Ace!

I put a scrunchie
on the door!

Can't you see I'm reliving
my past failures to ensure
my future success?

Yeah. Sorry. I just
want to let you know

the Panthers
won again tonight.

They, um,
made the playoffs.

Who gives a shit?

I'm just...
I'm just worried.

They've gotten really good.

They're impenetrable.

Trust me, Ace.

I'll penetrate them.

How?

Oh, I don't know.

Sneak up on them

and ruin their hopes
and dreams?

Like a ghost.

Heh.

Heh.

What was that?
Nothing. I was...

Get out of my room, dude!
Okay.

Do you understand...
Do you understand who...

Don't do that to me.

I'm gonna go.

This never happened!

Yeah!
All right.

Chug time.

We did it, man!

Couldn't have done it
without you.

Dude, nothing
can stop us now.

Boo. Heh heh heh.

Can we join the party?

We weren't expecting
the male strippers
until later.

That's funny,
because you're stripped
of your ability to walk.

That is not
a proportional response.

You got a problem,
Lindsay Brohan?

No problem at all,
Brosario Dawson.

We were just looking
for a sausage festival.

Dick, you should leave.

You know, Fuller,
my sister

did always have a thing
for spineless pussies

who are inadvertently
responsible

for crippling
their best friend.

What do you want, Dick?

I just wanted
to be courteous

and introduce you
to the newest member
of our team.

We recruited him
a couple days ago.

Now, he's a little bit shy,

so make him
feel welcome, okay?

Thad!

What is that?

Looks like a dad-gum horse
from the farm.

That's Thad "Rufio" Johnson.

He's the toughest
linebacker
in the NFL, man.

He's got seven Pro Bowls,

two Defensive Player
of the Year awards

And a Super Bowl
with Green Bay.

He got kicked out
last year for
substance abuse.

I'm sure you all heard
about the substance-abuse
controversy.

Well, with a little
spare time on his hands,

Thad decided to make
his gam-gam happy

and go back to college.

I ran into him a couple
of weeks ago on campus,

and we hit it off!

Turns out he
was looking for an outlet

for his rampant,
unchecked aggression.

Dude, you can't just recruit
a former NFL superstar to be
on your football team.

Oh, sure you can.
I know, because
I read the rule book

like I do
an issue of Maxim.

Cover to cover
on the elliptical
while watching Entourage.

And the rules state
that the only qualifications

to be in the league is
to be a registered student,

which Thad is.
Right, Thad?

Oh, speaking of rules,

this is an official document
from the university.

Should I read it
aloud, Ace?

Oh, I think
you should, Dick.

I think that's a good idea.

It reads, "Dear
Mr. Grant Rosenfalis..."

That's you.

"We regret to inform you

"that due to your refusal
to pay tuition,

"you are no longer
a registered student
at this university."

Oooooh.

You know
what that means?

Yeah, it means
I owe Caleb 10 bucks,

because we made a bet
that you were illiterate.

Oh, I'm literate,
and I can read,

and I'm a student,
unlike Grant,

and since he's
on your official roster

as a team member,
you're boned.

I boned you.

That can't be right.

It is.

You either have to
kick him off the team

or forfeit.

Grant.

Let me go.

Can't you do something?

Sorry, Fuller.
She's an adult,

and adults do their jobs,

even when it
crushes their soul.

Oh, speaking
of crushing souls,

bring her in!

Oh.
Is this the...

What is my surprise?

I got...
Oh!

It's Caleb.

Caleb is my surprise.

What a hard surprise.
Yeah.

Mmm.

Heh heh. I thought
you were at LSAT class.

Who's she?
Who am I?

I'm the girl
who gave him this thing,

which is...

Caleb, where's your ring?

This is a contract
for a wedding chapel

for one Caleb Fuller
and Vicky Albrects

on November 30th of this year.

You're engaged.

I prefer the term betrothed...
Okay.

...and, yes,
we are betrothed,

and I'm sorry.
Who are you?

Who am I?

Was I just one last fling
before you go?

No. Meredith...

No, thanks.

You are not a man.

You're a bacterium.

There's no wedding.

You're a douche.

A big douche.

Yay!

You've been ghosted.

Care to say anything ominous
before we leave, Thad?

Ciao.

In case you didn't know,

that's French
for "raising the stakes."

Uhh!

Get out of here.

Go. Go.

Dick.

Well, Bill,
one more game left
until the playoffs,

and the Panthers
are a shoo-in,

but tonight, they're not
getting any favors

from the all-female team,
the Maneaters.

I'm gonna euthanize
your grandma!

Aah!

And with no Grant Rosenfalis,

they're not looking
good out there.

Focus.

They're eating men

and shitting out touchdowns.

Touchdown Maneaters!

And I'm getting
more and more turned on
by the second.

Wow, that does
not look like the same
Panther team.

Come on, Vinnie!
Get your head
in the game, man.

You been griping
all season.
Back off, Hank.

Look, I don't want to lose
to a bunch of chicks.

Who you calling chicks?

Okay, sweetheart,
baby-doll,

the big, strong guys
are gonna have
a conversation now,

so why don't you just
Brosie Bro'Donnell away?

Oh!
Oh!

Whoa!
Oh!

Did you just punch me
in the face?

Oh!
Oh!

Ohh.

I have done a lot of
terrible things in my life,

but I am not
gonna punch a girl!

Hyah!

Whoa!
Yeah!

What the hell, man?

Hey, I said
I wasn't gonna punch.

Ohh!
Fight!

No, no, no, no!

What's happening? Ohh!

It's
an all-out brawl!

Oh, you hate to see the game
degraded to this level, Bill.

Who started this?

Those girls are
crazy, Officer.
Uh-huh.

One of 'em threatened
to violate my nana.

Uh-huh.
Sure, she did, son.

Sure, she did.

Damn it.

My dad's gonna
kill me, Hank.

I never been to jail before.
What are we gonna do?

You just gotta
establish dominance
as soon as possible.

Follow my lead.

What are you
in for, kiddo?

Murder, grandpa bitch.
Yaah!

Whoa!
Whoa! Hey!

Okay, I don't
want to fight.

I got no beef
with anybody.

Hope you like AIDS,
amigo.

Why would I like AIDS?

Panthers...

You made bail!

Yo! Yo, yo, yo.

Hey, you gonna be
all right, Georgie.
You hear me?

Hang in there,
buddy.

Caleb?

Vicky.

I came
as soon as I heard.

Have you sustained

any long-term
psychological damage

during your time
in the hole?

No, there's no hole.

This is a drunk tank.

Is this
what the DMV is like?

Okay.

See? I told you.

I told you
this would happen.

I told you
you would skip class

and then you would
cheat on me

with someone who looks
like my cousin Maevid

and that I would
have to bail your
perfect ass out of jail.

Vicky.
And looky what happened.

You jeopardized
our future.

What future?

I spoke to Father,

and he thinks that you
deserve another chance.

Vicky...

If...
Okay.

If you cut it out

with this
intramural football shit,

because our life together,

buster,
that ain't no game.

Caleb.

Hank, I'm trying to deal
with this right now.

It's Grant, his trailer.

Something happened,
and it's bad.

Oh, no.
Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no, no.

He's dead.

Hey, guys,
need you to stay back.

This is a restricted area.

Did he suffer?

Huh? Oh.

Absolutely.

Probably could have
escaped, too, but, uh,

place wasn't
too wheelchair friendly.

You know, I'm just
a simple fireman,

but whoever
inadvertently caused
his paralysis

is in a way also
partly responsible
for his death.

But not all bad news.

I did find these
at the scene.

Hey, come on, man.

It's not just a free-for-all.

They're Grant's aviators.

They're completely
unscathed.

So I guess those
are, like, uh,

pretty symbolic
of your dead friend?

Would you shut up?

Sorry. Not my place.

Grant's dead.

He's dead.

What are we gonna do?

We have to forfeit.

Are you kidding me?

How are we supposed
to play tomorrow

with Grant's death
hanging over our heads?

This isn't
your fault, Caleb.

I didn't say
it was my fault.

Found the source
of the fire. Ha ha!

It's an old
laser-disc player.

Looks like he had a copy
of the original Rocky
in it, too.

Ha. Great flick.
Heh heh.

"Yo, Adrian!"

Look, you guys
got one more week
before the playoffs,

but you're gonna have
to find another man,
because I quit.

Oh, no. No,
you can't quit,
all right?

I mean, we need you.

No, you don't.

Come on, guys.
Let's go.

Let's let
the king of the babies

give a speech
to his baby servants.

"Wah wah," speech.

You know, there's
a really scenic lake
about a mile up the way.

Could be a good place
for you to somberly reflect

on your friend's life
and tragic death.

I'll leave you to grieve.

Why'd you have
to leave me, Grant?

Hey, nice job,
Copperfail!

Hey, you got that right.

Today, you are
taking the Law School
Admissions Test.

You will have four hours.

Please begin.

Um, okay, uh,
outside, everyone.

Leave the tests.

We should be able
to clear this up pretty soon.

Psst!

Psst!

Hank?

What are you doing here?

I pulled the fire alarm.

What?
Shut up, man.

Come on.
Why would you do that?

I had to, man.
Why?

Because you
can't do this, Caleb.

Hank, you and I
live together.

Why don't you
just talk to me then?

Because I'm a dick,

I'm totally out of control,

I'm rude, I say
awful things about people,

but you've always
been cool to me, man.

Hank, I appreciate
you coming down here
to say that, but...

Shut up!
I'm in the middle
of something.

Ah! There I go
being a dick again.
Okay.

Caleb, you have
to come back.

No, I can't.

Man, this team
is like the closest

I've ever been
to having real friends,

'cause you've given me a place
that I didn't have before,

a place that I belong.

These moments

are the most precious gifts
we've been given,

the most sacred, and if
we turn our back on them,

that is when we
truly have nothing.

Is that a line from
The Sisterhood
of the Traveling Pants?

Shut up!
It's a great movie, man!

That's...
Awesome,

and that chick
from Gilmore Girls
is hot as hell, man,

and it's not because
she looks like a child.

It's not a good movie.

Okay, the point is,
after college,

you got your whole life
figured out.

This is all I have.

Uh, I gotta go.

Did you start
a real fire?

What? No,
it's not important.

Just be at the field
at 7:00 p.m. tonight.

Vicky and I
have the wedding
shower tonight.

Dude, you don't
want to marry her.

There you go
being a dick again.

No, man,

that's me being a friend.

Yeah, I've got him.

Ohh!
That's me being a dick.

Oh, my God.

Hey! Get back here!

Why would you do that?

Sorry for
the false alarm, gang.

Please begin your tests.

Oh, my G.

Daddy. Is this
a diamond-encrusted
serving tray?

Not only that,
check the certificate
of authentication.

Ahh! You guys,

it's made with certified
blood diamonds.

I love blood diamonds.

That's not all.

Caleb, a spot just
opened up at our firm.

I had to fire two janitors
and a secretary to do it,

but it's yours
as soon as you graduate.

Thank you
so, so much.
Wooow.

Wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow.
All right.

Oh, Daddy.

My God,
what an occasion this is.

Okay, why don't we all
go to the veranda

for some champagne
and tofu tiramisu?

Actually, it seems
as though there's
one more present.

Ooh, a mystery gift.

Plastic glasses.

That's dumb.

Who got me this?

Lame.

Okay, to the veranda we go.

No.

What do you mean "no"?

Listen, everyone,
thank you so much

for all the gifts,
but, um, I can't.

You can't what?

I have a game to get to.

I thought you were done with
your intramural footballing.

I'm sorry.

I am just not ready.

It goes without saying

the job offer goes away
if you do this.

Yes, sir. Thank you,

but, uh, I think
I'd rather not know
my future right now.

Caleb.

Caleb, don't go.

Caleb,
I'm pregnant!

I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

Oh, honey,
don't make this weirder.

That usually works.

Five minutes
to game time,
Prancers.

It's Panthers.

I do not care.

I don't think
he's gonna show.

Well, maybe
we don't need him.

I wish Grant was here.

Grant is here.

He's all around us.

Caleb.

Just in time, huh?

What's up, brother?
Real dramatic.

Are you ready for this?

Almost.

Gotta go take care
of one last thing.

What?

He just pumped us up
and then left?

That's pretty
badass, though.

Hey, Meredith.

I'm not talking to you.

Okay, that's fair.

You don't
have to say anything.

I just want you to know
that I'm really sorry

I didn't tell you
I was engaged.

That's awful.

I'm sorry.

That was a difficult situation,

and I want you to know
it's over now, all right?

That's great.

Look, I got you
something, okay?

Is that the homeless
guy's teeth?

Yeah.

How'd you get this?

Ten bucks for his teeth.

Five.

Okay.

And here you are, good sir.

We prefer direct deposit.

Like in your butt?

No, you freaking weirdo.

Just give me your email.
I'll invoice you.

He had
an email address?

I know. Right?

How insane is that?

Look, I know
I don't deserve it,

but can you
just give me another shot

to try to win you back?

And how do you plan
on doing that?

You'll see.

I don't know
about you, Dan,

but other than
fair-trade hummus,

there's nothing in this life

I love more than
intramural playoffs.

Whole Foods and Japanese
hookers for me.

Caleb Fuller
with the interception.

Thad "Rufio" Johnson
is a juggernaut.

Double hit,
both men down.

Caleb Fuller has
the eye of the tiger.

Welcome to
the pregame intramural
championship show,

Panthers versus Titans.

With me always is Bill.

Bill, the Titans have been
on a tear lately

with pick-up
of former NFL all-star
Thad "Rufio" Johnson.

Do you think
that the Panthers
can stop him tonight?

Highly unlikely, Dan.

You see, had he
not been kicked out,

it's likely that Johnson
would have been looking

at another three years
of NFL dominance.

Ah, so you're saying
it's a hopeless case?

Well, according
to my stepdad,

the only hopeless cases
are pussy liberals
and me.

He's a mean bastard,
and I don't understand
how Cheryl can stand him.

My mom's a saint,
but if the Panthers

have taught us anything
this season,

it's that
anything is possible.

All right, men,
I got a few words.

It's speech time,
douche bags.

The last few months
have been the best
of my life,

and this team,
you guys have meant
the world to me.

The majority of you,

I strongly dislike.

Chance, you have become

one of
the best receivers
I've ever seen.

Randy,
if you drop one pass,

I swear to God I will
burn your grandmother's
condo down.

Vinnie, I've never
seen a quarterback find
the open man like you.

Ace, your girlfriend
is cheating on you with me.

She's ugly.

Hank, you are the single
most intense player
I've ever seen.

That's very kind
of you to say.

Rufio!

In all honesty,
you terrify me,
so you're cool.

Jimmy, you are
a beast on the field,

and you have
the voice of Gabriel.

Donnie, your body
is a wonderland,

and I hate you for it.

George,

you have had
quite a rough go of it,

to say the least,
and your commitment
to this team,

while misplaced
priority-wise,

inspires me to get out
of bed in the morning.

I don't know your name,
and I never will.

Your dad,
your grandmother,

your future employer,

they may think
this is stupid,

that it doesn't
mean anything,

but 30 years from now,

these are
the moments that we
will look back on.

If we lose, I never
want to see any of you
ever again.

Screw the memories.

Winning is not everything.

Winning is everything.

I love you guys.

I'm dead inside!

Ha ha!

Let's take a moment
of silence for Grant.

All right,

let's go out there
and play some football!

Yeah!
Yep!

This is it, Bill,
the final dance,

the big hoorah,

the game that discerns
the winners from the losers,

the wheat from the chaff,

the lingering
tongue-kiss butt fondle

from the fake
phone-number handshake,

and I don't
think I'm making
an overstatement

when I say this
is the single
most important moment

in the history
of athletics.
What say you, Bill?

Well, Dan,
I think you said it all
in your raving diatribe,

but I'm gonna
add one more
small point if I may.

Are you ready
for some football?

Steamroller!

Fumble!

Thad "Rufio" Johnson
recovers.

Touchdown Titans.

Unbelievable.

Hey, Fuller,

I'm glad Grant's dead.

Yeah!

Yeah!
Oh, come on, ref!

And we're only
five plays into this game,

and already
it's a bloodbath.

And there is
so much more time left
in this half.

Glory be to Dick!
Yeah.

Oh, glory!

Wow, I don't know
what happened,

but the rest
of that half went by
much, much faster.

But still equally as intense.

You know, Dan, I don't
know what happened
to this Panther team,

but they are gonna need
a serious miracle.

That or an act of God.

That's what
a miracle is, Dan.

What do I do, Grant?

What do I do?

Stop talking
to your sunglasses,

and start playing
football better.

Grant?

Are you a ghost?

I thought you were dead.

Well, you thought wrong,
thinky.

But...

Your trailer and the...
Your glasses?

Do I really
have to explain this
to you?

Yes, yes, you really
have to explain this to me.

The primary
turning point
in all sports movies

usually involves
the untimely death

or paralysis
of a key character,

quite often the coach/mentor.

I faked it.

What? Why...

Why would you fake
your death?

Because that's
how it's done.

That's not how it's done.
What are you talking about?

What reference point is that?

You don't have
to fake your death

for your intramural
football team to win.

This isn't about winning.

This is about
winning at the last
possible second

when the chips are down

and you're holding
a real hard hand

with a fistful
of fate's fun-bags

and you know
that if you squeeze
tight enough,

you'll get to slurp
down on that sweet,
sweet glory milk.

And when
you win like that,

it changes you.

So how do we do that?

Because we are getting
slaughtered out there.

You gotta crap
on the ceiling.

That's impossible.

When you got a team
beneath you,

anything's possible.

Grant said this would work!

Come on, push, Caleb!

Oh! Got... Got some
in my eye. That's fine.

No, I got it!

We got it.
It's okay.

Yeah.

Oh.

That is definitely a metaphor.

Oh, this is it
for the Panthers.

Two quarters to come back

from an almost impossible
23-point deficit.

Real shame.

Chance.

Dad?

Eh, what are you
doing here?

I've come to tell you
to stop this foolishness,

wearing the eye makeup,
doing the magic,

playing football
with all these buffoons.

They're not buffoons.

They're my friends.

The application
for medical school
is due tomorrow.

I filled it in.

All you have to do
is sign it.

Come on, Son.
Think about your dreams.

No, Dad, your dreams.

Hey, guys,

you know who this is for?

It's for Grant.

And the Titans receive
the ball at the start
of the second half.

Oh, the clothesline!

WWE at its finest.

Right there.
Get your man.

Cover one.

Red 42. Red 42.

Hut! Hut!

Oh! Unbelievable pick
by Fuller.

And the Panthers
are on the board.

Yes! Whew!

Whoo!

Unbelievable.

I've never seen
a second-half
turnaround like this.

I can't remember
ever seeing anything
like this,

but then again,
I don't remember
anything.

I have the disease
from Memento.

Down!

Set!

Good play, guys.
Congratulations.

And with 40 seconds left,

the Titans have extended
their lead to nine.

The Panthers are
gonna have to create
some kind of miracle.

What do we
do now, Caleb?

Caleb?

Hello?

Caleb?

Caleb!

What do we do?

We win the game.

Another kick.
It's a high one.

Caleb Fuller receives.
A lateral!

Another lateral
to the mustache.

It's like a young,
skinny Burt Reynolds.

Touchdown Panthers!

Whoop whoop.

I don't believe it.

Just like that,
the Panthers are
back in it.

Down by two with
just 35 seconds left.

If the Panthers have
any hope of scoring again,

they're gonna
have to execute
a perfect onside kick.

Do not screw this up!

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Whew.

And that's
the nail in the coffin

if I've ever smoked one.

And with 22 seconds left,

all the Titans have to do
is hold on to the ball

and watch
the clock run out.

But it should be noted
that in intramurals,

there is no taking a knee.

The Titans
have to run a play

for the clock to expire.

True,
but all they have to do

is give the ball
to Rufio.

And what started out
as a beautiful
Cinderella story

is rapidly turning into
a horrifying snuff film
for the Panthers.

Just forget
about it, Caleb.

We gave it
a good run, right?

Yeah, I'm happy
to have played
with you guys.

Yeah.
It's all been worth it.

I want to try
something crazy.

They're just
gonna hand the ball
to Rufio.

That thing's unstoppable.

You're right.

We can't stop him,

but Jimmy can.

Now, you said
he reminds you

of a horse on your farm?

Break.
Break.

Yo, this is crazy.

Crazy enough that
it just might work.

Down! Hey, guys,

it's been a pleasure
kicking your ass.

Set.

Hut.

Thad, what are
you doing?

Oh, and the Panthers
get the ball with time
for just one more play.

Unh!

Yeah, Panthers!

What the hell
was that, Thad?

The voice...

It just took over.

What are you talking about,
you goddamn ogre?

I got some thinking to do.

What?

No... Oh.

Oh, what are
you talking about?

You don't think.

Where are you going?

Thad!

Thad!

Thad!

That's what I'm
talking about.
Yes.

Jimmy, that was beautiful.
Okay. Here we go.

We are going Triple Z.

No. The safeties
are gonna see that
coming, okay?

We run the Triple Z,

but with a slight
alteration, all right?

Chance, we're gonna
need something crazy
out of you, bud.

Crazy enough that it
just might work.

Please stop saying that.

Right. Right.
Bring it in.

Come on.

Hey, stop playing grab-ass

like a bunch of little boys.

All right?

Break!

Don't mess up.
Get your man.

Ready!

Set! Hut!

It's a fake!

Uh, what happened? Huh?

He disappeared
between the three
and the four-yard line.

What type
of devilry is this?

I love you, Son!

I love you, too, Dad!

Touchdown Panthers.

Panthers win!

Do you believe
in acts of God?

Whoo!

That's my boy.

I always knew there
was something magical

between three and four.

Yes!

Yeah!

There's gotta be some rule!

I got ghosted again!

Dude, where did
these people come from?

I don't know.

Wait. What?

Did you know we
could win $100,000?

I had literally no idea.

God, everybody
would have been
so much more invested.

Whoo hoo hoo!

Do you believe?

Look at me.
He can't see.

I'm Fat Albert.
He can't see.

Yeah!

How was that?

Confronting your biggest fears

in a climatic,
game-winning play.

Never saw it coming.

Now, that's
one shitty ceiling.

Totally worth it.

In my nine and a half
years of college,

I thought
I'd seen it all.

I witnessed a 2,000-cup
game of beer pong

that claimed
the lives of seven bros.

I've seen Frisbee
so ultimate,

it threatened
the supremacy
of God himself.

I've even seen
my colleague Dan here

swallow two keys
of pure Bolivian heroin

to make good on a series

of increasingly
misguided
cockfighting bets,

but I never
thought I'd witness

such an amazing game
of intramural football.

Right you are, Bill.

Right you are.

Yeah! Whoo!

You all came
to our game!

Yes!

Oh, no! No!

I want a boyfriend.

I don't want to work.

I want
to have a boyfriend.

Oh, honey.

That was my boyfriend!
Honey...

Get me another boyfriend!

Why don't you...

Joining us now,

the League Commissioner himself,

Philip Bronson. Phil.

What?

You called me
and said there was
an electrical fire.

What do you think about
the game so far, Comish?

I'm an employee
of the university!

There is no Comish.

What's wrong with you guys?

Comish, can we
get a ride home?