All language subtitles for Amy.and.Peter.Are.Getting.Divorced.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-EVO

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

You ready?

No.

Are you ready?

No.

Fuck it, let's do it.

Oh my God, I haven't seen
you guys in so long!

Anderson, you're like
in the forest.

Yeah, and there's
bugs everywhere

and there's people
telling me what to do.

- It's not my vibe.
- So, guys...

Are there tree trimmers
in the forest?

I think the city... the city tree
trims in the forest for fire,

for fire prevention.

I once dated a fireman.

Are you... can you hear me?

- Hey.
- You guys hear that?

I dated a fireman once.

I feel like it did not
get a big reaction.

- I felt like it was a lie.
- Well, 'cause it's a lie.

- Yeah, it's a lie.
- Anyway, you guys, sorry.

Um, thanks for making the time
for this whole

- group call thing.
- Duh, of course.

Totally, but actually,
can we make this quick?

I have a date in a half an hour
with my sexy new boyfriend.

- Okay, rub it in, Vanessa.
- Yeah, you don't need to

personally attack those of us
who are single,

namely your very own
flesh and blood brother

who is very dateable.

Anderson, how are you
even on this call?

They let you have
your computer there?

Oh yeah, I blew one of
the guards so he gave it back.

Oh my God.

Wait, wait, wait,
they have actual guards

- at this wilderness rehab?
- No!

- Obvi this is my burner.
- Huh.

I didn't know burner computers
were a thing.

- It's a rich people thing.
- Oh, the security

at his last rehab was super lax.

- I ended up sneaking in some...
- Guys!

Listen, guys,
you're our oldest friends, so,

Peter and I wanted
to tell you all

at the same time that we're...

Oh my God, you're pregnant!

Oh my God, am I pregnant?

- They're so pregnant.
- Finally!

- Can I be the godmother?
- I'd like to be called

"Aunt" Lauren, not "Ant" Lauren.

- It's gross, you know?
- You guys have to name the baby

after me since I'm the one
who set you up.

Vanessa, shoving the two of them
into your dorm room closet

freshman year
and forcing them to make out

does not count
as setting them up.

Okay, bitch, you're just jealous

'cause I never shoved you
in a closet.

But lest us not forget
that Lauren did inspire me

- to come out of the closet.
- Yes, yes, I'm so glad

that the one time we hooked up
it turned you gay, Anderson.

That's a great college memory
for me to dwell on, thank you.

- You're so welcome.
- Guys!

We're getting divorced.

Wait, what?

♪ Get you off my mind ♪

♪ I can't get you off my mind ♪

♪ The chill nights,
we'd order in and snuggle up ♪

♪ Got bored of them,
now holidays are horrible ♪

♪ I'm hung up on you
like an ornament ♪

♪ I can't get you off my mind ♪

♪ I want you to care ♪

♪ I want you to cry when you
realize I'm no longer there ♪

♪ I want you miss
the touch of my hand ♪

♪ The smell of my hair ♪

♪ You and me
don't feel the same ♪

♪ I can't get you off my mind ♪

♪ No ♪

♪ Get you off my mind ♪

♪ Get you off my mind ♪

Well, do you think
anybody else knows?

I couldn't tell you,
I don't know.

I wasn't on that call.

I cannot believe
we weren't on that call.

We weren't invited to that call.

I know and I'm upset
that Anderson called you.

Vanessa only texted me and
I feel like this is something

I should've gotten
a phone call about.

Well, it was a short phone call.

I could hardly hear him,
his service was awful.

And honestly,
I think I heard a coyote.

- Like on the phone?
- No, like in the background,

and I know a coyote
when I hear one.

Okay, is it possible
it was like a scheduling thing?

Like, you know how they always
plan stuff on California time

- or specific standard time.
- Pacific Standard Time.

Wait, did you just say specific?

- I did.
- It's Pacific,

'cause, you know, it's like
by the Pacific Ocean.

- Agree to disagree.
- Anyways, whatever.

That's bullshit.

We're only three hours ahead.

What, do they Google Hang
at midnight?

- I would've Google hanged.
- Hung.

- Hung.
- And actually, no,

you wouldn't have because
midnight specific standard time

- is really 3 AM...
- 3 AM Eastern Standard Time.

Yes, I know, and I'm saying
that I would've been available

- and awake to hang.
- Wow.

Oh, I have
a new Postmates order.

Fuck the gig economy,
I have like five jobs right now.

Wait, six, actually.

So I have this new gig,
it's kind of freaky.

Ugh, this order is from
the McDonald's on Bedford.

- They hate me there.
- Oh no, why?

- They hate my rollerblades.
- Is it the yellow?

No, they hate that I wear them
inside their store.

- Restaurant.
- Restaurant, and it's like,

well, then don't have
a rollerblade ramp

that leads directly
to your door.

Feel like that ramp
is for wheelchairs.

Well, rollerblades have wheels.

- I think they're cool.
- They are.

And I think you're cool.

Not cool enough
to be on a Zoom call

to hear about our friends
getting a divorce.

Oh, I forgot about that
for like four seconds.

- So, wait, what is this new job?
- Okay.

♪ This vibe telling mad truth so
evidently ♪

♪ the way this shit will be told
is eloquently ♪

Hickory-dickory dock.

Hi, hi.

I'm the CEO,

I'm the CEO.

♪ Yo, I'm not who you expected
'cause I'm so hot ♪

♪ I'm so hot, I'm so hot ♪

♪ But I can't be ♪

All right, Hannah,
let's bring home the bacon.

Well, hello there,

HornyForHandsFeetandOther
Appendages.com users.

Before I introduce myself,

for those of you who like Sara,
the big-handed farmhand,

I'll be back next Tuesday.

Don't be late, y'all.

But today, I'm Eleanor Elbow,

the erotic CEO,

and I've got news for you.

I'm losing money left and right,

and I'm pissed off about it.

So pissed off in fact,

that I'm thinking of

stomping all over you...

if things don't turn around.

Oh.

Who's in my chats?

FistMeGood999...

says to me, "Dearest Eleanor,

please lick your elbow
in this one."

Oh, oh, oh.

One more, ooh.

My elbow.

♪ A mistake that I made
and it's my fault ♪

My...

Turns out the elbow's a little
bit difficult to lick.

Yeah, so how does
this sound, yeah?

I can taste my lotion.

It tastes like wealth.

This is freaky.

Speaking of wealth,
don't forget to Venmo me.

Hannah55Baby.

Thank you so much.

Fine!

Oh!

Ah-ah-ah-ah.

Welcome back to my channel,
gentlemen!

I am Jaime,
the top divorce guru.

Thank you all
from the bottom of my heart

for the overwhelming response
on last week's video.

Three foolproof compliments
that trigger women's libidos.

Go check it out
but only, and only,

if you're ready to handle

the overwhelming amount
of attention

you're gonna get
from them bitches.

All right,
let's get this started.

Each week I share my mind hacks

on how to efficiently
navigate a divorce,

or as I like to call it,
a course correction.

Through my journey
of spouse disentanglement,

I have discovered
how to skip the drama

and get you ready for your next
honey mama, trademark.

As you guys know, my last
divorce was six months ago.

I've already reached a special
and crucial landmark

in the divorce cycle,

the reclaiming of space.

Some of you might not
be at this stage yet,

and some of you might actually
take a few years to get here.

Just remember what I always say.

Be patient with yourself.

You're going through a lot,
and sooner or later,

you'll hook up with someone hot,
all right, trademark.

Bro, I'm in the middle
of my vlog!

Hey, how could
I have known that?

- Think about it.
- I told you,

you have to text me five minutes
before you get home.

What if I'm, like,
in the middle of this,

like, super dope thought process

and then bam, you walk in
and interrupt my flow?

Look, Jaime,

I'm not gonna text you
every time I come home.

I was happy to move in
when Rosa left you.

But listen, I'm not just staying
at your pad.

I pay rent,
this is my home too now, okay?

If I interrupt your flow,
I'm sure you can get it back.

Bro, you do not understand
my flow state, but cool.

Don't you edit these videos
afterwards anyway?

Sure, but it's not that simple,
but I'll just do that.

- Thank you.
- Great.

Glad you figured it out.

- Can you just...
- What?

Nothing, I just really need
to finish this today.

All right, bud.

I'll get out of your hair.

You know, I'm really glad
your therapist suggested

you make this whole
video diary thing.

It's not a video diary thing.

I'm helping other people that
are more fucked up than I am.

And I came up with that idea
on my own,

after she suggested it.

You're doing such a great job.

Can you fuck off, please?

I'm gonna give you some space.

Thank you.

You're super welcome, bud.

Oh my God!

Reclaiming your space.

What does that mean?

Great question.

Let me break it down for you.

The first thing you gotta do

when you're reclaiming
your space

from the divorce is tackle...

"The most crucial step
to moving through a divorce

is releasing emotions.

You and your partner should cry
openly and cry often."

He hasn't cried.

Why the fuck hasn't he cried?

Peter?

Peter.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Peter!

- Were you calling me?
- No.

Hey, so, I know
it's gonna be super hard

and, you know, you've probably
just been avoiding it

because it's gonna be
so, so sad,

but I think it's time
we split up our stuff.

Sure.

It's probably just gonna be
really hard for us,

or for you because we've built
a life together,

and how do you even start
to begin

to choose who deserves what?

I mean, I can't even fathom
where to begin.

It's, it's like

ripping apart
the quilt of our love,

piece by piece.

I mean, I guess we can start
in the living room.

Wow.

Yeah, how did I not think
of that?

Let's do it.

Would you like the chair?

I know you've always loved it.

Really?

I mean, your aunt
gave you that chair.

- You should keep it.
- Remember that time

when I as holding your nephew
and he was staring up at me

with those big,
beautiful, blue eyes,

and he vomited all over me
and some got on the chair?

You know, that was the first
moment that I realized...

sorry...

that I realized that
we would be parents, you know?

It'll always be
a perfect memory for me.

What could have been.

Hm.

I think you're forgetting
that the smell of vomit

actually made me vomit.

I mean, there was a lot of vomit
that day.

That was actually the day
that I realized

that maybe I didn't want
to have kids.

You know, like before then
obviously I was like,

yeah, for sure, but then
that happened and I was like,

- I don't know.
- Huh.

It's funny, like, same memory,

different emotional
attachments to it.

Totally, totally different,
you know?

To each... woo, oh...
to each their own, you know?

Uh, a happy memory for me,

and a sad...

and emotional memory for you.

You know, very sad.

Extremely emotional.

- Right.
- Okay.

You can have the chair.

- That I don't give a shit about.
- Okay, fine.

You can call dibs
on one of our shared items

if you tell my brother
about the divorce.

Wait, you haven't told him yet?

I, I thought it
should come from you.

What, why?

Because he sees you
like a brother.

He's like obsessed with you,
just come on, Peter.

- Okay, fine.
- Thank you.

Just in case.

Uh, thank you?

Go ahead, take one.

So yeah, I'm really sorry, man,

but that's what we decided.

Wait, wait, wait, but you guys
have only been married

- for, like, two years.
- Yeah, no, right,

but we've actually been together
for 10, you know,

and it's complicated.

We're just different people now.

Yeah, of course
you're different people,

but like, I thought
opposites attract.

I don't know what to tell you,
I'm sorry.

So, what, are you like
my ex-brother now or...

I mean, I guess technically,
but...

Whatever, whatever, I gotta go.

Okay, I'll talk to you later.

I love you.

What was that about?

Amy and Peter
are getting a divorce.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah.

They haven't even been married
that long.

Yeah, apparently they're like
different people or something.

Of course they're
different people,

but don't like,
opposites attract?

I know, that's what I said!

But we love Peter.

What are we gonna do about that?

I don't know, man.

I don't know.

Wow.

- I am so sorry.
- Thanks.

Well, it's not great timing,

but I actually have a Tinder
date coming in a couple minutes.

- Oh, wow.
- But I could totally

- bail on her.
- No, no, no, it's fine,

it's fine, just be careful,
okay?

Because right now
she's just a Tinder girl,

but next thing you know,
she's your wife,

and then right after that
she's your fucking ex-wife!

But yeah, no, it's fine,
it's chill, she can come over.

You can totally crash
the date if you want.

We have plenty of sushi.

- From where?
- Store-bought.

- Ugh!
- Okay, you are invited.

It's gonna have spicy mayo
all over it.

Ah, I'm Noah,
I'm a bougie ass bitch

and I don't have
a brother-in-law anymore.

- Too far, man.
- Yeah,

it didn't feel right saying it.

You know what,
whatever, fuck it.

I'm fucking with you, let's go
eat some shitty Cali rolls.

- Come on.
- Wow!

Wait, I'm dead.

No, I'm literally dying.

Is this a joke?

Do you wanna start with cardio...

Shut up.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh my God, oh my God!

I cannot believe this.

I'm truly shocked to my core.

Amy and Peter, no.

No, never in a million years
would I have guessed this.

Honestly, honestly,
you know what,

I need to go work out,
this is a lot for me to take in.

Okay, I'll call you later.

All right, love you.

Kiss, kiss.

I mean, did I call it
or did I fucking call it?

- What?
- Okay.

You remember my friends
from college?

Babe, stretch me.

Obviously not my Gamma Phi
sisters, my other friends.

- You know, the trashy ones.
- Um...

Amy and Peter!

The brunette and her husband.

They met out freshman year

and they've been together
ever since.

Ugh, anyways.

They're getting divorced,

and I hate to say
that I saw this coming,

but I absolutely saw
this coming.

- Hello!
- Mary Grace, hey!

- Hey, sweet girl!
- Can you hear me okay?

I can hear you loud and clear
and I can see you.

- You look gorgeous, girl!
- Oh, thank you.

Wow, uh, it's been a minute.

Gosh, it's been several minutes.

I mean, when is the last time
we saw each other?

Was it Carolann's
niece's baptism?

No, yeah, no, didn't fly back in
for that one.

Well, shoot,
we miss you around here.

These teens today,
I am telling you,

they do not make the youth
like they used to!

Wow, you're still
the youth pastor.

You were my youth pastor, wow.

Yes, ma'am, 14 years strong.

That is a long time
to pastor youth, Jesus.

- Ah.
- Sorry, geez Louise!

Anyway, um, my mom told me
you had another baby?

Have you not met my son Henry?

He just turned three last month!

- Oh my goodness.
- Yup.

Bill finally got his boy,
but enough about me and mine.

Those rug rats are over
at Janine's until six.

I got my glass of Pinot Grigio,
I got on my soft clothes.

I am ready for some girl talk!

So now tell me, your mother says

there's something
we need to pray on.

Oh, oh yeah, no, no, that's...
I'm so sorry she called you.

She just, um...

well, my friends
are actually getting divorced

and then she kind of
freaked out about it, so...

Wait, we need to bless
this conversation first.

If you will, bow your head
and hold my hands virtually.

Okay.

Dear sweet, sweet Lord,

We humbly accept your love
and come before you today

to talk on Facetime
while you eavesdrop

as we reflect
on Lauren's struggles

to find a partner in life.

Uh...

Help us open Lauren's heart
to find a match

so she can procreate
in your name.

- What?
- Her mother is in pain, Lord!

Ease her heart, ease her mind,

ease her mouth.

Evelyn wants
these grandbabies so bad,

she can't breathe at night!

- She can breathe.
- Help us open Lauren's heart.

Help her find her love,
whoever she wants to love.

I mean it, Jesus.

Amen.

So do you like women?

- What?
- Now listen here, Lauren,

I'm done drawing a line
in the sand.

I'm done with it.

You wanna love a she,
you wanna love a they, live.

- Okay, I like men, so...
- Well, good!

Okay, well, hold on now.

I didn't mean good.

I just meant I'm more familiar,

but if you want to like a she,
if you want to like a they,

that is fine by me.

You heard of the book
Queer Grace?

Uh, no, uh-uh.

Well, it rocked my world.

It's by Kelly Jo Welch.

She's a lovely woman of God
and other women,

and she's just wise beyond
her years and I learned things.

Lauren, love is love!

Uh, listen, Mary Grace,
I'm so proud of you.

That's great, I'm so glad
you've come around.

I just... I'm not gay.

Evelyn told me she knows
and she's proud of you!

Wait, my mom thinks I'm gay?

And if you'll just let Jesus
come in your mouth

and give you the courage
to speak your truth,

you can settle down
with a nice woman

and your mother
can get those grandbabies.

- Oh my God.
- Let me tell you a story.

All right?

You remember back
in your youth group days,

Stewart Douglas, Trevor Scott?

Remember those two boys,
hoodlums?

- Yeah.
- They used to say

behind your back all the time,

"Oh, there goes Lauren
hunting fish.

Oh, she loves to hunt trout,"
they'd say.

And I thought, "Well, dang!

I didn't even know
she liked fishing this much.

Maybe she's out there fishing
on the weekend with her daddy.

I don't know!"

It took me two years to realize

they weren't even
talking about fishing.

They were calling you
a lesbian predator.

Yeah, Mary Grace,
they were fucking with me.

- Ah.
- Messing with me.

And I prayed
and I prayed for you!

And then I read
Making Room on the Pew

by Kelly Jo Welch,
and let me tell you,

it just opened my mind!

You can love however you want.

You don't need...

You can have two...

Vaginas?

We say front tushy
in this house.

Anyway, I think you know
what I'm talking about.

What are you talking about?

Jesus fucking Christ,
Mary Grace!

I have had upwards of 32 dicks
in my body, okay?

I am not a lesbian!

Oh, look at my sexy man
grilling me some sexy meat.

Oh, my little crudite girl.

Why are you wearing your
blue light glasses outside?

Well, there's no easy way
to say this

but we're living in
a simulation, babe.

Every second is screen time,
so keeping these on for good.

So what you're saying is
you got high without me.

- Exactly.
- Wow!

Wow.

Four weeks into the relationship

and you're already
sneaking around.

Hey, hey, come on.

- What?
- No, stay off the nips!

If you let me do it,
I will forgive you.

Okay, lightly, light... ow!

All right, okay, okay.

Okay, you're forgiven.

All right, thank you,
I gotta flip.

Okay, but just remember, I like
my men how I like my meats.

Rare, because you're
one of a kind,

and I like my meats bloody.

Oh, which reminds me,
I have a new project for us,

- but first, carrot?
- Sure.

- Ranch shot?
- Always, yeah.

No teeth!

Don't bite it, you use lips,

use your lips, use your lips.

God, Ranch is so sexual.

Should we leave these meats
and go to the bedroom?

No, they're almost ready.

Really, so no?

Okay, well that leads me
to our project.

I think we can both agree
that up until now,

the sex has been amazing.

- Yeah, it's been great.
- I know, it's not surprising.

All my boyfriends
say that about me.

You mean "said that."

They're not still saying that,

'cause you're not still
having sex with them, right?

Okay, but I think we're on
the edge of the phase

where it's like
new relationship,

the sex is always amazing,

and the phase of, "Ugh,
we never have sex anymore

and it's always missionary,

and even when we do have
missionary sex,

it's really dry and boring

and you think about CNN
the whole time."

But we're in the first phase,
right?

Gabriel, Gabriel,
you're missing the point.

It's scientifically proven
in the first four weeks,

we should be at a 10
on "el pasión" scale.

Sure, we're having sex
in restaurant bathrooms

and in your car
and at your mom's house.

On my mom's house.

I got second degree burns
on my back from the roof.

And I'm sorry for that, but if
we don't do something now,

we're gonna end up boring
and divorced and brunette,

and you know I don't have
the face shape

- to support brown hair.
- Okay, but...

Imagine this
with a brown wig on.

It'd look insane, I'd look like
one of the Little Women.

What are you trying
to say right now?

You wanna try some freaky shit?

Exactly,
please clear your schedule.

We're gonna start
with a spa day,

a little role play,
a little dash of danger.

It's good to get
the adrenaline pumping

before we dive into
some new areas.

- Ow.
- Sexual exploration.

All right, fuck it.

Let's explore.

"They'll explore the idea,"

is the how mayor's people
put it.

That's hopeful.

You're optimistic tonight.

Let me remind you
we're up against men

and their Maseratis here.

Jesus Christ!

This dog!

He's a dog.

Can you imagine the day
Los Angeles

has more bicycles
on the streets than cars?

Can you imagine a day
when people train their dogs?

It's a noble cause, baby.

Shutting down Sea World
is a noble cause.

No bike lanes, that's just
your run of the mill

public health crisis.

Well, you're killing it
and I'm proud of you.

Oh my God, I almost forgot.

I got quite the compliment
at City Hall today.

- Nice.
- We were just standing around

after the meeting talking and
this councilman came up to me

and he said, "You're quite
effective when you're angry."

And before I could even
say anything,

he whips out his business card
and says,

"You have what it takes, kid.

Call me, my personal number."

Like, ew!

And he called me kid!

And then what makes it even
weirder is that...

- Wow.
- Douchebag.

What?

You're doing the thing.

- What thing?
- What thing?

Forget it.

What thing?

Oh my God, it's Fuckface.

♪ Listen up ♪

♪ Listen up ♪

♪ Oop ♪

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

Damn.

That's a nice deck.

There were three things
my wife never let me have.

A drum kit, a motorcycle,
and a threesome.

Happy to say
that I recently crossed

two out of those three
off my list,

and let's just say,

I still can't wait
to get that bike.

So, this is my new baby.

A Pearl Export drum kit.

When I was married
to my honeybunch...

When I was married,

the ex forbid me
from buying one.

She was like, "Um,
where are you gonna store it?

And you don't even know
how to play the drums.

And you should save money
and go back to school."

Well, guess what,

the first thing I did
when she left

was go straight to Craigslist

and I bought this sexy beast.

And the best part is with
her side of the closet empty,

there's plenty of room
to store it!

And the only school
I'm about to attend

is the school of rock, baby!

One, two, three, four!

This is what reclaiming
your space sounds like.

That is the last time

you're playing the drums
in the house.

- Right, buddy?
- Yeah!

Another important practice
on reclaiming your space

is to stand or sit in spots

that have significant memories
of your honeybunch...

...of your ex, ex,

of your ex, and then you say
to yourself,

"I reclaim this space."

For example,
this is where we would spend

most of our evenings
watching Netflix.

She loved watching rom-coms

'cause she thought
they were funny

even though she knew
they were cheesy,

and I was bored the whole time,
so I was like, "Whatever,"

but she would laugh at them
and her laugh was like,

you know,
low-key pretty magical,

and...

...it was hell.

Ahh!

That's an example
of what we like to call

porcupine memories!

The name refers to memories
that are seemingly so cute

and happy and you just want
to hold on to them,

but when you hug them, bam,

needles, ouch,
porcupine memories!

Trademark pending.

I reclaim my space.

I reclaim my space!

I reclaim my space!

Shut the fuck up, buddy!

Wow.

Wow, 32.

As in 32...

actual penises?

Yeah, give or take.

Honestly, it's probably a bit
higher than that, but yeah, 32.

Oh my lanta!

Well, dang, Kelly Jo Welch
didn't prepare me for this.

I'm sorry, Mary Grace,
I'm sorry for my language.

I'm sorry I'm being so crass.

I'm so glad we got to catch up,

but I am sorry my mom
made you do this.

I just... you know, I haven't
found the right guy yet,

so maybe you could
just tell her I'm looking

and I'm not a lesbian.

Um, but yeah, I guess
I should probably go, so...

Oh, no, no, no, please don't go,
please don't go.

I still have half a bottle
of Pinot Grigio left.

Look, I've been watching HBO
after Bill goes to bed.

Okay?

And I've been learning
some new stuff,

and all the women at the church
wanna talk about

is when is the rapture coming,

and obviously,
it is already here.

So I need this!

Lauren, I need this, please.

Okay, okay.

Yeah, sure, I can chat
for a few more minutes.

Okay, great, all right,
let's quickly hang up our call

with Jesus 'cause he does not
need to hear this.

Goodnight, Jesus,
I'll call you later.

Okay, now it's just you and me.

Lay it on me, honey!

Thirty-two, thirty-two!

Gosh almighty,
are you using special creams?

You must be sore all the time.

Oh, yeah, no,
I know it sounds like a lot,

but you know,
it's actually not that crazy.

I just got busy in college.

- Who didn't?
- I didn't.

- Bill and I waited.
- Oh, okay.

Uh, but I mean, gosh,
you guys have three kids now.

You must be making up
for lost time, right?

No, no.

Look, look, I love Bill
and I do think about him

and Nathan Fillion from Castle,

but can I tell you a secret?

'Cause I just haven't been able
to talk to anybody about this,

and since you're
a liberal elite sinner...

- Okay, harsh.
- I just feel like you'll get it.

I don't want Bill to hear me.

I'm not sexually satisfied
at all.

Oh, Jesus Christ.

No, don't call Jesus right now.

No, no,
that's not what I... okay.

Help me, Lauren, please!

Okay, you're a sexual deviant
and my only hope.

I need you!

Okay, okay, wow.

Okay, sorry, I'm just wrapping
my head around this.

Yeah, go ahead, Mary Grace.

I, uh, I wanna help.

Just tell me,
tell me your troubles.

Okay.

Well, it all started

when I accidentally brushed
against the jets

in the jacuzzi tub
and it stirred me deep.

Oh my go... oh my gosh!

I can't believe
I'm telling you this!

Oh, you know what, Mary Grace,
it's great,

and I wasn't expecting the call
to go this way,

but I'm honestly...
I'm here for it.

I just think that I probably
need some wine too,

- so I will BRB, okay?
- All right.

I'll just be here thinking
about Mr. Fillion,

from Castle.

Mr. Castle.

Solve my crimes,

solve my crimes.

I don't know,
maybe this just grew apart.

- It happens.
- Sure, but I mean,

- this came out of nowhere.
- Hey, baby, baby, sorry.

- Can I move this?
- No, you can't move it.

Do you think he cheated?

Theodora, I don't know!

- Do you want me to call and ask?
- Yes.

Please call your ex-girlfriend
and ask her about her divorce.

That house.

Barbecue's Peter's ribs.

Peter's the best cook, right?

I feel like they just moved in.

No, they moved in two years ago,

and in this market, they're not
gonna have trouble selling.

Yeah, I'm sure their realtor
is thrilled.

But it's like
our first friend divorce.

Don't you think it's sad?

It really is.

- So, a deck, huh?
- Yeah.

I've been wanting to build
this thing for...

remember when we moved in here
and I was like,

"I wanna build a deck!"

You remember that?

- It's a big project.
- Mhm.

Okay, well,

don't forget about tonight.

Huh?

Don't forget about tonight.

Raymond, your dog!

Today on Builder Bros,

Brock gets hands on
with your big deck.

What's up, pussies?

Brock here.

So your little lady says
that she likes a small deck,

but come on, bro,
we both know

when you're standing in
your manicured front lawn

sipping on your soy latte
that she is staring

at the sheer girth of my deck.

But that's okay,

'cause Brock Daddy's
here to help.

All right, so you bought
yourself some wood

and you got your tools.

Now what are you waiting for?

Are you staring at that fat pile
like a dope?

Look, deck building is tough.

But relax,

Brock Daddy is gonna hold
both your girly little hands

all the way to the finish line.

So grab some bolts
and some brewskis,

and let's lay some wood.

Oh!

- Mother...
- Fucker.

- What?
- "Hi, Hannah.

Xander has therapy
after baseball camp.

Please give him a snack
beforehand and do not

let him take his scooter
into the session.

Dr. Alberts doesn't like it."

- Ugh, this is so annoying.
- I know, right?

- It's just a scooter.
- "Thanks, Alyssa.

Will do," you fucking bitch.

Whoa, you really laid into her.

Oh my God, no, I did not text
that to Xander's mom.

Xander feels new, what happened
to that kid Jared?

Oh, Jared is a dog I walked

and him and his family are in
the Hamptons for the summer,

along with Persephone
and Maddox's families.

- Oh, those are cute dog names.
- Nope, those are kids.

Wow, you are booked up.

Yeah, if only my bank account
reflected that.

Ugh, life is weird!

Like, this is weird!

Our friend is getting a divorce.

- I know.
- And if somebody had asked me,

like, "Do you think Amy
and Peter will get a divorce?"

- I would've absolutely said no.
- Yes.

Okay, I just lied,

I definitely didn't think
they were gonna make it.

The writing was on the wall.

Remember at Amy's bachelorette?

- She was so unhappy.
- So unhappy,

and it was not because of us,
right?

- It wasn't because of us?
- No!

She was totally off
and not herself,

- and we talked to her about it.
- Yeah.

We were like, "Amy,
what's going on with you?"

"Why are you so unhappy?

What's up?

Why didn't you invite
your cousin Eva?"

- Cousin Eva is an alcoholic.
- And not in a fun way.

And Amy, she was like...

she said...

Okay, so Amy actually
wasn't there for that.

Of course she was there,
it was her bachelorette.

No, no, what we're remembering
is you and I talking about it,

talking about her.

Oh, talking about her
behind her back.

Yeah.

But we've told her in the past
that she seemed unhappy.

Yeah, like when she went
ring shopping alone.

Yes, we said,
"Amy, this is not something

you should be doing
by yourself."

- Yeah, we told her that!
- Yeah, and she said

she was, she was...

She was also not there
for that part either.

That part where we told her
how we really felt?

Yeah, that part.

I'm hungry.

Want a little snack?

I can offer you a pouch,
some cheddar bunnies,

or celery sticks.

Literally just celery sticks?

Not even peanut butter
on the side?

Oh, no, peanuts are legumes

and Xander's mom tries to limit
his legumes.

- Poor Xander.
- I know.

Okay, were,

were we mean to Peter?

No, we were not mean to Peter.

Right.

Okay, so like define mean.

- Like were our jokes mean?
- No.

I mean, maybe our jokes
were mean,

but that doesn't mean
that we were mean.

Right, right, you are so right.

- You get it.
- And plus,

I don't even really think
you can be mean

to somebody that you don't know.

I never really got
to know Peter.

And now we never will.

Tell me about it.

- I miss Amy.
- Me too.

But her not telling us about
the divorce really hurts.

It does, and I mean,
I don't know about you,

but Amy and I talk all the time.

- Same, like, look at my texts.
- Same!

- I text her all the time.
- All the time.

- All the time.
- All the time...

- four months ago.
- Five.

Okay, should we just call her?

Yeah, I feel like we're overdue
for a phone call.

And you know what,
we'll lead with, "We love you."

"We heard about what happened."

"And we wanna let you know
that we are here for you

and we just wanted to say hi."

- I love that.
- Thanks.

- I'm so happy we're doing this.
- Me too.

Hey, it's Amy, leave a message.

- She just...
- Sent us to voicemail, yeah.

That's mean, right?

She's mean, she's mean!

She is mean.

But I guess she is dealing with

- a divorce.
- Divorce.

- Yeah, that's, that's not...
- Not great.

- Oh, it's my Postmates order.
- What'd they say?

"Where the fuck are you?"

- Rude!
- Yeah.

I'm like... what do they mean
where am I?

I'm right here,
I'm clearly busy.

- Yeah.
- Vanessa,

where the fuck are you?

Anderson,
where the fuck are you?

Next to the big green tree.

No, like where are you exactly?

All these trees look the same.

By the... I don't know... elm?

Let's go with elm,
this is an elm.

Um, I don't know what in my life
has led you to believe

that I know what an elm tree
looks like,

- but I don't.
- Vanessa?

- Anderson?
- Vanessa!

- Anderson!
- Vanessa?

Vanessa, Vanessa!

Follow the sound of my voice,

follow the sound of my voice.

Vanessa, Vanessa, Vanessa.

- Anderson!
- Vanessa!

Anderson.

You have to stop yelling
my name.

Gosh, you scared me there.

Whoa, love the Pippi
Longstocking look.

Oh thank you, yeah, I heard that
if you French braid your hair,

it makes you look like
you got a face lift,

and I also recently got
a facelift.

Thanks so much for coming
to Family Day.

Oh, of course, I'm happy to.

Plus, Mom offered me 50 bucks
if I came, so.

- Mm.
- What is Family Day?

Family Day is where the families
of the teens come to visit

and we hike out to Stinson Beach

and discuss our
substance abuse issues,

- I think.
- Okay.

Um, yeah, I really don't want
to do any of that.

- I did just come for the 50.
- Absolutely.

Quick Q, why can't you stop
freeloading off Mom

and start freeloading off your
boyfriend like a normal person?

You know, it's a great Q
and I would counter with,

why can't you stop
freeloading off Mom?

And it's a great counter
and I would say

because I don't have
any other option.

That's why I said yes to this
wilderness rehab retreat thing.

Mom said if I don't complete
this rehab,

that she'd kick me out
and I cannot be homeless at 24...

27...

30.

Well, anyways,
to answer you initial Q,

the reason I can't
freeload off Gabriel

is because something went down

and I don't really wanna
get into the details of it.

But basically when he said no,
I heard him say no

but I didn't hear him say no.

- Do you know what I mean?
- No.

See, like I didn't even
understand what you just said.

Hm, so what happened?

Wow, this is hot.

Smells like soup.

They're scented hot stones.

It's aromatherapy.

Next, I'm going to run ice

down over your body.

Stop shaking,
you little pig bitch.

♪ I need you to listen ♪

♪ Listen ♪

♪ Oh ♪

Let's get you clean,
you dirty boy.

♪ Take my somewhere
far away from here ♪

Hand me that.

God damn, that was hot.

Are you sure
this is a sex thing?

Just go with it.

Ow, ow!

One just stung me in my ear.

♪ Bad bees, boo bees,
whatcha gonna do ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do
when the bad bees come for you ♪

- ♪ Bad bees ♪
- Bananas, bananas!

What? The safe word already?

We just got started!

I'm down for some freaky shit,

but this doesn't even
feel sexual.

It just feels... ah!

- Dangerous.
- What's your point?

Look, maybe we should
try something

with a little more sex

and a little less honey
in all my crevices.

Okay. Just a little more honey?

No. No! Vanessa!

Okay, let's compromise.

So did you start
taking a lot of baths?

I did. I was taking
two or three a day.

And then my youngest
wanted to get in with me,

and after that, I had to quit.

And I've just...
I've been in a tizzy ever since!

Well, Mary Grace,
we've gotta get you fixed up!

Can't live life
in a tizzy like that.

- Amen!
- So, okay, so how often

are you and Bill,
you know, boning?

Not often enough.

And I wouldn't call it boning,
to be honest,

it's more like
laying down together

and moving for a little bit.

It's just... it's just,

you know, Bill likes things
a certain way.

So we schedule it,
every other Monday.

Missionary Monday is
what we call it,

so we put it in the calendar.

It's like a little code
and that way people see it

and they think, "Oh,
they're doing mission work,"

but it's really just sex

every other Monday at 8:15
after the kids go down.

The same sex, missionary sex.

It's not even the good kind.

Is there a good kind?

Lauren, I just... I can't
continue to be grateful!

It's a sin, it's a lie!

Okay, I mean,
does he at least go down on you?

Lauren!

Honey, you got me rollin'!

No!

Not since 2001.

Listen, when I had
my first child,

he looked me dead in the eye,

and he said, "Listen,
I can't go down there

after I saw my daughter
come out of there."

You know, she was
an 11-pound baby, but still.

Okay, you know what, Mary Grace?

No, fuck this guy.

He needs to get down there
and get busy!

You know what, I agree!

I've been doing my exercises
for years now!

Lord, on the wings of Jesus,
I'm sharing my story!

Okay, wow, okay!

Yes, cheers to that, Mary Grace!

Cheers to that.

Hold on, I'ma be right back.

Woo! I feel alive today!

Jesus is real!

What the fuck?

Okay, so...

I went to the paint and sip,
all right,

and I didn't want
to paint the hydrangeas

that were in
the sample painting,

'cause I've already
done that, okay?

I've got two bushes
in my backyard.

So the instructor said to me,
she goes,

"Just paint what calls to you."

So I painted something,
it's a little wild,

and I just... I've been
too afraid to show Bill,

I've been hiding it
under my bed,

but I wanna show you.

Okay, now keep in mind,

I had spent some time
in the jacuzzi tub

before I went.

Here it is.

It's a self-portrait.

Oh, my God, wow!

I mean, the writing
was on the wall.

He's not a rich man,
and she's...

I don't know, pretty-ish.

So, really, all they had
keeping their marriage together

was love?

And I know you know this
better than anyone, babe,

'cause we're so good together,

that a healthy relationship
is a tête-à-tête

of wit
and emotional communication.

Without it, you have nothing.

Unless, of course, obviously,
one of you has stock

or Bitcoin
or a beachside property.

But even then, you know,
it's a give and a take.

- Don't you agree?
- Do you wanna stretch me or...

Equity and communication.

It's a give and a take.

Oh, give me that.

You know what I mean?

It's like a back and a forth.

Here's the thing
about Amy and Peter,

they were never equal.

She always wore the pants
in the relationship.

Do you remember last summer
when they were in town

and we went to Jones?

And the waitress
dropped the check off

in front of Amy.

Amy, not Peter.

I mean, how humiliating,

and not just for her, for him.

So emasculating.

Oh, my God, honey, no.

Somebody's gonna see you,
you look like a wimp.

Your arms are like
tiny SpongeBob arms

and you have the body
of Kermit the Frog.

You should really call
my trainer!

Crunches.

Now, gentlemen,

I understand that sometimes

some of these porcupine memories

are hard to get rid of,

and simply yelling them away
is not enough.

That's why the last thing
we're gonna learn today

will require
a more aggressive approach.

Bam! Fireworks!

This here is the cobra box.

The cobra can hypnotize
its prey

before launching for the kill.

So, inside this box
is a bunch of crap

that my ex used to own
and that hypnotizes me

into doing stuff
I really don't want to do

like text her or call her
or drive up to her place

and see her go in
and out of her apartment

with a random guy that may
or may not be her new boyfriend.

We don't know.

What we do know is
that he owns a new Tesla.

I know it's new,
because it's the new model.

And we can't keep doing that
to ourselves.

Time to destroy the cobra box,
trademark... not granted,

because I guess there's
a company in Australia

that sells cobras in a box.

All right, let's get to it.

Time to reclaim
the space in our hearts.

Well, that was disappointing.

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh, what am I doing?

What is the matter with me?

It's like I turned 38
and I went crazy!

I'm like a horndog!

I just... I gotta burn this.

No, no, no. Mary Grace, no.

You listen to me, okay?

We were not raised
to talk about sex or want it,

but we do,
and that is great, okay?

So you just need
to get out there,

and you need to tell Bill
what you want.

Well, I mean, do you tell men
what you want?

Hell, yeah! Hell, yeah, I do!

There's a fucking
orgasm epidemic

in this country, okay?

And we must demand action.

- Heck, yeah.
- Right?

Heck, yeah, I'm gonna do that!

There he is. Bill! Bill!

- Oh.
- Bill!

No, no, no, no, no, wait.

Yes, I'm talking to you!

I have needs!

Maybe not in front of me,
though.

- Maybe not in front of me.
- Hey, Bill!

I need you to lick
this front tushy!

I just did the Lord's work.

I can't believe
I'm in the mountains

and I'm not on mushrooms.

- This is a first for me.
- I know,

that must be so hard for you.

- And for you.
- Hm?

Are you on mushrooms?

I don't think I...

I don't think
I understand the question.

I think you do.

But weirdly, I'm getting
like a sobriety high

- from being clean!
- Is that true?

- No.
- Yeah.

But at least my life
is going better

than Amy and Peter's.

I mean, thank God someone's life
is going worse than ours!

Yeah. But is it?

'Cause like, you still live
at home with Mom,

and I just ruined
another relationship.

God, my 16-year-old self
would 100% bully me.

Oh, my 16-year-old self
would definitely make me cry.

She'd probably Photoshop my face
onto the body of a whale

and have it printed
onto T-shirts

for everyone in the class
to wear.

Specific.

You know what I'm realizing?

Amy and Peter are
getting a divorce,

which means they're gonna
have to be single again.

I am currently single,
so if you really think about it,

it's almost like I found

some sort of cheat code
or shortcut.

Yeah.

Or is it like they found
somebody to love them,

marry them,
and then divorce them

all before we found anyone
to love us.

- Is it worse?
- Or is it better?

- It's probably worse.
- I think it's worse.

- Worse.
- It is worse.

Oh, oh, my God. Where are we?

Are we... are we lost?

Where are the other campers?

Is that what you call them,
"campers"?

- Tiny drug addicts?
- Troubled teens?

- Oh, my God, we are lost.
- Oh, my God!

Spread out!

All right, crack open
another cold one,

'cause you deserve it.

Brock Daddy is so proud of you!

Only six more videos
till you've got yourself

a brand new deck.

There you are.

Oh!

I love your deck.

Shh.

Shhhh.

What the fuck?

♪ I can't get you off my mind ♪

Nice spread!

'Gram worthy.

I know, I don't skimp
on the sush.

I wonder how long it's been
since this was made.

Beer. You guys want some beer?

- Sure!
- Yeah, I'll take two.

Maybe!

So, I'm so glad
that we got to hang out!

Kai's told me
so much about you.

Yeah, I mean,
he's my best friend,

so that makes a lot of sense.

Listen, you know
so much about me,

but I don't really know
anything about you,

which seems unfair.

Where are you from?

Boston, where are you from?

What do your parents do?

Oh, uh, my mom's
an occupational therapist

and my dad works
for a mineral company.

- Are they still together?
- My parents?

No, actually, they split up.

- How old were you?
- Eleven.

Ah, so you come
from a broken family.

Um, I mean,
I wouldn't say "broken."

It was fine. Two Christmases.

So you're a Christian,
and you're in denial.

Got it, okay.

So would you say
that your upbringing

has had some sort of impact

on your current thoughts
on commitment?

- What?
- Do you like to get serious?

Or do you just
keep things "casual"?

I'm sorry,
what's happening here.

Cervezas! One for you,
and one for you.

- Thank you!
- Check it out, Mexican beer,

Japanese sushi,
what can I say?

I'm giving you guys
a world tour.

- You're cute.
- Isn't he the best? Yeah.

So, uh, how many dates
have you guys been on?

Uh, technically,
this is our third.

- Technically?
- Well, one night,

we just watched Tiger King,

so I don't know
if that counts as a real date.

Yeah, I mean,
it sounds pretty...

casual.

- I thought it was romantic.
- Then we'll count it.

- Count it!
- Count it!

- Kill me.
- I've said it once,

and I'll say it again.

There are two things

that will never work
in a marriage.

One, the woman
wearing the pants,

two, the woman being
a motherly figure.

Oh, honey.

I just think,
at the end of the day,

it's like love and marriage,
it's just...

I know you know this now,
'cause I've told you,

- it's like...
- Shut up!

Shut the fuck up!

Seriously,
shut your fucking mouth.

Holy hell,
do you ever stop talking?

All you do is talk
and talk and talk,

and I'm starting to feel like
I live in a fucking hell prison

of your fucking voice!

Fuck!

I have never in my life...

been more attracted to you.

We're going home
and straight to the bedroom.

Pick up all this shit.

- So rude.
- Oh, my God!

- Is that...
- Maya!

Oh, my God, wow.

- Do we have to say hi?
- Well, now we fucking do!

- Hi!
- Hannah! T.Y.!

You guys look...

great!

Holy shit,
how long has it been?

I mean, I don't think
we've seen each other

since Amy and Peter's wedding.

- Oh.
- So you heard.

Of course.
I was shocked to my core.

- It was very upsetting.
- A tragedy.

- So I should be going.
- Yes. Yes, go!

- We're gonna...
- Babe, come on.

Okay, kiss kiss!

See ya! Bye, Maya!

If I never see her again,
it'll only be too soon.

I know, she stresses me out!

Me too, let's breathe.

Stay calm, stay calm!

Think peaceful thoughts,
think Elle Fanning.

What? Why would you make me
think of Elle Fanning?

That only makes me think
of Dakota Fanning

who used to be more famous
than her sister,

- and now she's not!
- Okay, okay.

Think pizza, pasta,
sweet treats!

Cellulite, fat, fuck,
I need to lose 50 pounds.

- Help!
- Someone save me!

- I mean, us!
- We need to take shelter!

Quick, give me a boost!

Oh, so you can leave me
down here

to be eaten by wild dogs?

You'll be fine,
your blood is toxic!

Dogs can sense that!

Oh, bad vibes, we have to run!

- I have the runs?
- What?

No, we have to run!

- Come on!
- Oh, my God!

This is it.

We're in 127 Hours.

Except for it's not gonna
take that long for me to die.

I'm not a survivor.

- And I know that.
- I am starving to death!

I can literally feel my body
eating itself alive.

I'm so thirsty!

I need water.

Or Diet Coke
or a Vodka Red Bull.

I always knew I'd die
on the set of Lord of the Rings

- with orcs all around me.
- I'm not an orc!

I always thought I'd die young,

and I'm not even that young.

I can't even get
my own tragic death right!

We should find a pretty place
to lay our bones down

for the final rest.

We need shade.

Here, take this rock
and protect us

from the indigenous people
of this land.

Ooh, I don't actually think

there are indigenous people
here anymore.

And whose fault is that,
Anderson?

I'm so weak.

I can feel the life
draining from my eyes.

Here, sketch a message
into the mud

so that future generations
will know we were here.

Hey, guys?

We really wanna
keep it down here.

We're trying to share the forest
with everyone, okay?

- We're saved!
- A gnome.

No, this is my ginger
rehab counselor.

I think the mushrooms just hit.

I'm J.P., we've met,
and you guys

have literally been
five feet from the trail

this entire time.

- Well, the trail...
- I mean, that's the arrow...

Trail signs
might as well be written

in Egyptian hierologlyphics.

Right.

Anderson, we're gonna have
to ask your sister

to leave the retreat.

You know that she's not
supposed to be here,

especially after
what happened last time.

- Oh, come on.
- How was I supposed to know

you're not allowed to bring
ecstasy to a rehab picnic?

- The kids loved it!
- Calico.

March.

I'm serious.

Ha-ha!

Ah!

Oh, my God. Sam!

Fuck you, dog!

Ow, ow.

Get up, get up.

Sit.

Stop whining.

Just hold it still.

Ow, okay.

Okay.

Ow, ow!

Ow!

Gah.

- Is that just house tape?
- Yup.

Ow. Ah!

- I...
- Your thumb is mangled.

- It hurts.
- Good.

Because it means
your nerves are intact

and because you also deserve it.

What? I deserve it?

What are you even doing
out here all day?

- Huh?
- Deserve what?

We had plans, Sam!

- Fuck.
- Yeah.

You're right.

Babe, you really
should have said something.

- Oh, should I have?
- Yeah.

- I think...
- Yeah?

Oh! Ow!

Jesus!

I am... I am always the one.

I am always picking you up.

Always!

Why?

You slapped me really hard.

You don't think I know
what this is about?

Who this is about?

Yeah.

- What?
- Yeah.

No!

You're...

I wanted to do something.

To make something.

With these!

So poetic.

God!

- You...
- Ow!

...you sheet of fucking glass!

What?

Theo, where are you going?

I have plans, Sam.

Lots of them.

Shhh.

Hello?

- Raymond?
- Building something?

Yeah, a deck.

How long you been there?

- Wife troubles?
- No, she's my fiancée.

- What did you say?
- Fiancée.

No, no, what did you do?

Oh.

It's complicated.

We'll be all right.

You know, it's just this girl
I used to date.

She's married,
but she's getting a divorce now,

it's stupid.

- What's so funny?
- Oh.

You still love this girl?

I don't think it's about that.

- Casual dalliance then?
- What?

- Left-handed honeymoon?
- What?

Do you want to sleep with her?

No! No.

Ray, I have a fiancée.

Yeah, you said that already.

Yeah. I did.

Yeah, by the sound of it,
you still do.

Take it from me, kid.

You get the beginning,
you get the end,

and usually, the only thing
separating the two

is a lot of wasted time.

Hey, Ray?

Are you good with this stuff?

- Women?
- No, lumber.

I know a thing or two.

- Can you teach me?
- Oh, sure!

You just hit the nail
on the head.

No.

I mean, would you come over here
and help me build it?

Ah!

No.

- No?
- No, don't got the time.

- Tomorrow then!
- Nope, can't!

- Why?
- Well, you're an asshole

to my dog.

Well, why didn't you
say anything then?

Son, I was in the war.

Oh.

Thank you.

Wow, four dates!

You guys are getting
pretty serious.

You guys gonna meet
each other's parents soon?

Um...

I don't know what it is
about eating outside.

I mean, it just... the food
just tastes better.

- Alcohol tastes better, too!
- So true.

- Fuck, I forgot the limes!
- No, that's okay!

No, I have a whole bag,
and they're really old,

and if we don't use them,
they're gonna go bad.

- I can get them.
- No, I'll be right back.

So what are your intentions
with Kai?

- What?
- Kai is fragile, okay?

And if you're not in it
for the long haul,

I'm talking holding hands
and dying in bed together...

- Like The Notebook?
- Please do not

bring that film up right now.

I cannot handle that, okay?

Anyways, if you're here
to just have fun or something,

then you might as well leave now

and spare us
all the heartbreak, okay?

- Dude, what is your deal?
- Are you seeing other guys?

- Are you clean?
- Excuse me?

- Sexually.
- Yeah, I know what you mean.

When's the last time
you had unprotected sex?

- Oh, my God.
- Hey, bad news.

Motherfucking knew it,
limes are old.

Good news, neighbor said
we could borrow some of theirs.

- I'll be right back.
- Please don't go!

- Be right back!
- I just don't think

- you're right for each other.
- Dude!

I mean, do you even want kids?

I don't know, maybe one day!

"Maybe one day!" Unbelievable.

- I'm 21!
- Yeah, my mom had me

- when she was 23.
- Well, times have changed!

Times have changed, because now
commitment doesn't matter!

Marriage doesn't mean anything!

This is all just
a bunch of bullshit!

And whatever you're here to do,

okay, it's just
not gonna work out,

so you might as well leave
before somebody gets hurt!

Fine!

You know, I don't know
what I did or said

to make you hate me,

but this conversation
is fucked up.

You guys can have each other.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
- I can't handle your roommate!

I am so sorry,
but he's just been having

a really shitty day.

He found out that his sister
is getting a divorce.

- Really?
- Yeah, I just found out.

I'm sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

I've acted like such a dick.

It's just this whole thing
is fucking with me, you know?

Like I always thought
that love was real.

Love is real.

I mean, sometimes it's scary
and it doesn't work out,

but it's definitely real.

Yeah, man, just hang in there.

Things will sort themselves out.

Do you guys think
we should have a threesome?

♪ I can't get you off my mind ♪

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,
I did it!

- I did it.
- Did sex?

Yes, with Bill.

A ton. He loves it.

He's even got a name
for my front tushy.

Calls it the "open road."

Okay, that's sweet, yeah.

And girl, did he drive
down the open road!

Woo!

Did you know that sex
on a trampoline

is a weightless gift?

I did not know that,
but good to know, thank you!

Got a little tramp burn
on my belly,

but it was worth it.

Girl, I'm getting to tour
my house and home

like I've never seen it before!

And Bill says he's awake
for the first time

since W. got elected!

Okay, well, listen, Mary Grace,
I am so happy for you,

and I guess for Bill, too.

I cannot thank you enough.

I am sending you
an Edible Arrangement today.

No, no, no, no, don't do that,
that's not necessary.

It's already done!

I got your address
from your mother.

And don't you worry, I told her
you were well-acquainted

with the men in town,
and rest assured...

Wait, wait, wait,
you told my mom what?

- What, Bill?
- Mary Grace,

- what did you tell her?
- Oh, it's ready?

- Mary Grace!
- Okay, I gotta go.

I'ma show Bill
how to use the jacuzzi jets.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
did you say "32 dicks"?

- Mary Grace?
- Bye, Lauren.

Jesus and Bill and I
love you so much.

What does my mom know?

What does she know?

Jaime, come on, man.

You're better than this.

No, I'm not.

Hi, Jaime.

It's been a while.

Hey.

I miss you.

Well, it's a little
too late for that.

I made a huge mistake.

I should have given you
a second chance.

Well, too bad,
because I've moved on, okay?

No, you haven't.

You still listen to Adele
and Sam Smith every night

until your eyes burn
with salty tears.

Shut up, that's not true.

See? You are always pretending
to be someone you're not,

because you are still afraid

that I wouldn't love
the real you.

Oh, please.

You kept getting distant

until I didn't
recognize you anymore.

Well, surprise, surprise!

The sock has all the answers.

And what do you have, hm?

A drum set?

Big man on campus
with a drum set.

Oh, wait, you're not on campus

because you didn't go
back to school!

You know what, that's it.

I'm so done.

So done.

I am so done with you.

So...

Wait, let's be friends!

With benefits!

And then we'll fall in love
slowly again!

Oh, baby. I'm sorry.

I can't let you go!

I still love you.

Shit.

Bill, we've got 30 minutes

before the kids get home,
all right?

So let's pave this open road
with jacuzzi's finest.

- Woo!
- Fuck.

Fuck!

What the fuck?

Hey, hey, hey, you okay?

Oh, hey, neighbor.

I'm fine, I'm fine.

I was just, um...

Reclaiming your space?

- Can you...
- Hear all the inspirational shit

that you're shouting all day?

I can, yeah.

You know, thin walls,
but don't worry, though.

I'm sure you hear
all kinds of crazy shit

from my place, too.

No. No, not at all.

I mean, except that you've had
32 dicks in your body.

- That was the TV.
- Oh.

Yeah. Okay, well,
I was just making sure

that no one was dead out here,

like exploded into pieces,
so check.

I'm gonna go back inside.

Wait.

Um, if you're not
doing anything,

do you wanna come over
and have a drink?

Oh. Oh, uh...

Yeah, I think probably not,
but thank you.

And, you know, don't sweat it,

'cause I know that
you're going through a lot,

but sooner or later,
you'll hook up with someone hot!

Trademark.

- That was the TV.
- Right.

You know what?
Ah, fuck it, let's do it.

- Really?
- Yeah, just...

just know that
if this ends up in your vlog,

I will key your car.

- That's fair.
- All right, come on.

- Lucky number 33!
- Oh, fuck off!

Hey, um, sorry
I got you in trouble

- with that ginger.
- It's okay, he's whatever.

It's kinda nice
having someone care enough

to recognize a bad influence,
you know what I mean?

Totally.

So, are you gonna stick
with this whole sober thing?

I think I am.

After hearing
about Amy and Peter,

it's made me think,

if I don't quit
on this rehab thing,

I might have a chance
to restart, you know?

Yeah, I do know.

It's made me realize
that I can't quit on Gabriel.

You know?

I have to go back and try
to fuck my boyfriend in the ass.

Oh, so that's something
I think you should quit on.

Okay.

Just relax, you know?

Let all your bee stings soak.

Man, you got stung
so many times.

No one could've
seen that coming.

I saw it coming,
until they started

- going after my eyes.
- Sh-sh-sh.

No, no, no.

But how do you feel?

This is actually really nice.

I know.

It's a little bit tight,

so I'm just gonna
slip into here,

and you're gonna dip
and give me your bottom.

Okay.

Oh, this is good.

I feel really vulnerable
in this position.

I feel great,
I feel very powerful.

I feel like I could do
anything to you,

and I wouldn't get in trouble,

because I would have
better lawyers than you

and it would be
my word against yours.

That's a very specific fantasy.

Deep breath.

Now I'm going to insert
my little finger

into your little butthole.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's happening here?

This is going
from like zero to 60.

I thought you just wanted me
to tie you up

- or lightly choke you.
- What is this?

Amateur Night at the Apollo?

Why are you so paranoid
about us losing the passion?

We have great sex, we're going
to keep having great sex,

because I love you, okay?

- Wait, really?
- Yeah.

I know it's really soon
for me to say that,

but I do.

I do, too.

I guess... I guess I was trying

to make you do
all that crazy stuff

because, you know,
my friends Amy and Peter

are getting divorced
and they're our age,

and I just feel like
if the passion can die for them,

then it can die for us.

I won't let that happen.

Pinky swear?

Not that.

Okay, just this once.

Right, just this once.

Because next time,
it will be this.

- Vanessa, no.
- Yes.

No, Vanessa, drop it.

- I'm...
- It's a deal breaker for me.

- Drop it.
- It's a deal breaker!

Just the pinky.

Put it to the side,
just the pinky.

Okay.

Your grandparents really knew
how to keep the love alive.

Yeah.

How long were they married for?

About 63 years.

- That was before my grandma...
- Died?

Right.

So can I have this?

You want a photo
of my dead grandparents?

Yeah!

I mean, they're dead,
and she always loved us.

So can I have this
or are you just... what?

Why don't we come back
to the photo?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Okay.
- Great.

What about Bubbles?

You want Bubbles?

You always hated my fish!

No, that's not what I'm saying.

Well, then what are you saying?

I think we should
split her 50/50.

How the fuck
do you split a fish?

You get half, I get half,
it's the only way.

All right, I'm confused,

are you saying
that you want to kill my fish?

You said you wanted to be fair,
and this is fair!

So we've just gotta burn her up
and split the bitch's ashes.

What is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You... you care more
about a fish dying

than our death,
our proverbial death.

- You should be sad.
- I am sad!

Oh, yeah, you have
a funny way of showing it.

What the fuck
are you talking about?

Amy.

What if I lit this book on fire,

- would that make you sad?
- Amy.

Would that make you
feel sad, Peter?

Amy, no.

No, you... you wouldn't do that.

You know how much
Michelle means to me.

You gonna cry, Peter?

You're looking
a little teary-eyed.

You are acting insane right now.

- I just want you to care.
- I do care!

Oh, yeah?

But clearly I can't
convince you of it,

so if you're gonna
burn that book,

burn the fucking book.

We're getting off track.

The point is
a 10-year relationship is ending

and you haven't shed
a single fucking tear.

Oh, so just because
you've cried,

you're better than me.

Yes, that is exactly
what that means.

I cry, okay? I can cry.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

This shit is hard for me, too.

Then cry.

Cry, you fucking pussy.

Fine!

Motherfucker.

What? I gotta, like, get there.

Yeah, get there.

Oh, God, what is wrong with me?

What are you doing?

- Stab me.
- What?

Take these scissors and stab me.

- Absolutely not.
- Come on,

I need like a...
like a physical push.

I'm clearly not getting there
emotionally.

You know, just like a...

- and then I'm there!
- No!

What if I, like,
hit an artery or something?

What the fuck do you know
about arteries?

Nothing, and I don't want
to fuck around with them!

Okay, fine.

- Um, hit me.
- What?

Punch me in the face. Right?

- Okay, sure.
- Okay, cool.

So... but wait, not too hard,
I don't want to bruise.

- Seriously?
- What, do you want people

to think that you beat me?

Good point, so, um...

- Punch me in the stomach.
- Okay!

- Perfect.
- Okay, yeah, I can do that!

It won't be too bad,
but it'll be enough.

- Okay.
- Right, okay.

All right,
so I'm just gonna flex.

Ow! What the fuck?

Sorry, it was just a reflex!

You fucking asshole!

I'm the asshole?

Yes, this is all your fault.

Right, no, yeah, no,

you're perfect
and I'm the monster.

I never said you were a monster.

Yeah, well,
you sure act like it.

Like it's my fault that
we aren't where we used to be.

Well, it... it is partially
your fault.

Yeah, but it's also yours,
you know?

Like, it takes two to dance
or whatever.

Sure, but that's not a phrase.

God, this fucking sucks.

Oh, my God.

What?

You're crying.

I fucking did it.

You fucking did it.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, my God.

Wait, I think I have
another one coming.

Give it to me.

It's fucking coming.

Oh, come for me.

It's fucking coming.

It's fucking coming.

- Oh!
- It's coming!

Are you feeling
what I'm feeling?

Yes.

Yes! We made it!

Woo-woo!

Thank God we were invited
this time.

Were you guys invited?

Oh, I forwarded them the link.

Okay, so can I ask,

is the divorce weighing heavily
on anyone else?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

- Um, no.
- Yeah, I'm doing fine.

Honestly, you guys, it has,
like, deeply affected me.

You should hear what I tried
to do to my boyfriend.

Seriously, Hannah,
I wanna tell you

what I tried to do
to my boyfriend.

Okay, anyone else
wanna weigh in?

For me, the divorce has had
a deep effect on my spirit.

You still at rehab
with the teens?

- Wilderness rehab?
- Right.

No, I'm with my new guru,
Vishnu.

Oh, God, Anderson,
did you join another cult?

- We talked about this.
- Hard to say.

Well, I don't know how the news
has really affected me,

but it sent my mom
down a real spiral

that ended with her
setting up a call

with my former youth pastor

that took a very
sexually explicit turn.

- Hot.
- Yeah, I took the news

pretty badly, but thankfully,

my friends
have been there for me.

- Hi, everyone!
- Hey!

- Who are these children?
- And where are Amy and Peter?

It's like one depressing
group call was bad enough,

but then to schedule
a second one

and then show up late?

Yeah, I was really
looking forward to seeing Peter.

- You're the only one.
- I heard that!

Okay, Noah, relax.

Why don't you just go make out
with one of your partners?

Oh, my God, is this
what they call a throuple?

Oh, bitch, don't act
like you don't know

what a threesome is!

- I was there on Halloween 2012.
- Shut up, Anderson.

Just fuck off right now.

Vishnu, they're messing
with my spirit again!

- Oh, my God!
- Anderson, shut the fuck up

- with your fake sobriety.
- It's not fake.

I am sober
from synthetic drugs.

There is no difference.

- If you're sober...
- Anderson, you keep bringing up

stupid shit from college.

But Peter is
such an amazing guy.

He's like a 10 out of 10 dude.

- Noah, Noah, enough.
- It wasn't a threesome,

it was like someone
happened to be in the room...

I left the camp a little early.

Yeah, I called it a camp.

It didn't feel
like a rehab to me,

there was too many hot kids.

I didn't want to be on
this Zoom call.

I'm realizing I didn't want
to be on this.

Yes, T.Y., let's go to the park.

Well, fuck you!

And fuck you.

I'm not even talking to you.

Toodles, bitch!

Thank you, guys, thank you
for inviting us this time.

You guys are all just jealous

because my boyfriend
will let me peg him

- and none of your will.
- Who cares?

- Goodbye, you guys.
- I'm leaving.

I miss Peter.

- Oh, wow.
- Yeah.

I love you.

I love you, too.

It's so sweet
that you're so in touch

with your emotions now.

Yeah. It's... it's like
the switch got turned on,

and I can't turn it off.

Yeah, turn it off.

Yeah, okay.

You think we should
tell our friends

about calling off the whole...

Divorce thing?

Yeah.

- Do you think we could...
- Couldn't we maybe...

- ...not tell them?
- ...not tell them?

- Oh, thank God.
- Yeah, I really didn't want

- to go through that again.
- Me neither.

I think I hate our friends.

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull