All language subtitles for 3265122

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

This is me and I hate my life.
It wasn't always this way. I

used to live in a big house, in
a big city that so easily

swallowed you up it left you
naked with your own petty

significance.
It was perfect.

I wasn't even a blip on the
radar. Then my dad had to go

fuck it up literally.

Sing for me my angel of music.

That's my dad.

George!

Oh, hey mom!

I can explain.

I don't know how dad tried
to explain nailing the maid up the

pooper, but oddly enough,
It didn't work.

So I got landed here.
Shitsville, U.S.A.

Fuck,
I hope they have pesticide for lunch.

How was Hendrix?

Twatkins High?

Hurry up,
you don't want to be late.

Late? Considering we just drove
fifteen hundred miles so I can

get a diploma that read Twatkins
High, late really isn't the

issue right now.

This toolbag is Jordan Davies.

Quarterback and head
douchebaggery of Twatkins High.

Who the fuck are you?

Kelvin, Kelvin Anis.

Dude, did you just
say your name was anus?

What a douche.

Now, when your last name is Anis
you kind of expect the name

calling.
It's best to just let it go.

Actually, I said Anis. But its
cool man it happens all the

time.
Let it go.

You know,
not all the time, you know.

Just let it go.

The last kid who did it, he was
kind of slow. I'm not saying

you're slow, it's just, he liked
to eat his own...

Stupid.

Need a hand?

No. What makes
you think I need help?

You're wearing a guitar, I...

What? Holy shit, look at that.
Man, it's a good thing you were

here. Otherwise, how would I
have ever known that I was

stuck in a guitar.

Fine, whatever.

Wait. Wait, wait.

Now you want my help.

Yes, alright, I want your help.
Fuck, you know, why don't you

just rub your balls in my face.
Come on, come on, just lift up.

What happened? Dude, hold still.

It's fucking sharp,
man. It hurts.

Alright, what do
you want me to do?

Slow. Slow.

Can you shut up for a second?
Let me just...

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Alright. It's just
really on there.

Ooh, watch the nipple,
watch the nipple. Ow!

Here you go.

Good morning.

Well, hello there
young man and how are you today?

Fine, thanks. Um, I just
transferred here. I was told to

stop by and pick up my schedule.

Well, aren't you just a silly
goose. I know who you are.

You're Jessica's son. Got your
class schedule right around here

somewhere. Kelvin, right?

Uh, yeah that's right.

Oh, don't look so surprised.
It's not like I'm one of those

psychics or anything.

Why don't you
take this and have a seat

over there.
It'll just take a few minutes.

Somebody kill me.

Okay, folks there it is.
Six weeks.

What does it all mean?
It means it's going to be

party time. It's going to be
midterms. So you're going to

have to knuckle down between
now and then. We got a lot of

material to cover, right? So if
you hear the word penis, vagina,

you know, don't start giggling.
This is grade twelve biology,

okay? Are we
all in agreement here?

It's party time right
from the start.

Mr. Flaherty, how
nice of you to join us.

Any time, sir.

Mr. Flaherty, need I remind
you that your grievous test scores

from last year are some of the
worst I've seen in my twenty-two

years of teaching. So, maybe if
you made it on time and maybe

paid attention, you just might
be able to scrape together a

decent score without a negative
sign in front of it in the end.

I'm sorry, but maybe you didn't
notice me carrying this around.

Do you think it's possible that
there might be a reason that I

was fucking late?

Congratulations, Mr. Flaherty,
you've earned a trip to the

principal's office on your very
first day. I'm sure your parents

will be very pleased.

What the hell sir? You're
pissing on me for being, like

five seconds late, when those
knob jobs took my guitar's

virginity using my fucking head!

Alright, that's it, Flaherty!
You're out of here!

Okay, sir. Look, calm down,
okay. How about I say I'm sorry

for being late and
you let go of my sack for a bit?

Out!

Sir?

Get out of here!

Slut. Asshole. Hoe. Shithead.

So gross.

This coming from the V.D.
piñata. Hey, did you ever get

your tampons the condoms they
asked for? Bitch.

Have a nice day.

That's what you get. Yeah, yeah.
Take it. Yeah.

Take it. Take it.

Um, Fritz,
what are you doing, man?

Hey, Carla. I, uh, that's not
what it looked like.

Right.

You thought that I was?

No, no. I mean, you see this?

This is a no felashe zone.

So, as long as you're the
felatee it's okay, then?

Yeah. Guess I just
have to find me a felateur.

I'm in.

Wait, wait. I, uh, I haven't
heard you singing on

Main Street lately.

You've seen me sing?

Yeah. I mean, uh,
I've passed by. You know?

Yeah, well unfortunately you
won't see me there any time soon

because my brother is off to
school. I don't have any music

to sing to.

How about a stereo?

Well, I mean, it's not quite the
same as live, but I guess if I

get desperate? I guess I will.

Cool.

Fritz, I'm going to go to the
bathroom now.

Right, yeah. Go ahead.

Okay.

Word to your mother.

Vanilla Ice.

Carla Cummings
finally talks to you and you

quote Vanilla fucking Ice?

God, I'm like the
poster child for spermicide.

Hey.

Hey.

How's the guitar?

Don't know. Probably
filing a harassment suit.

Wasn't even my
type. Hold this.

What the hell is this?

What?

McDonald's or Wendy's?

Oh, it's for rating girl's
ninja slippers.

I like to know
how I'm dining.

What?

Look, you know how a Mac Do's
hamburger has that perfect bun

seal and then a Wendy's Burg
always has that little extra

flap of meat hanging out?

Flaherty, get in here!

Ah, crap. Later.

Later.

This is bullshit, John!

I'm telling you guys,

it's possible that there
is a slight chance that

Carla Cummings may not
be completely disgusted

by the idea of having me in,

or at least in close
proximity to her mouth.

Dude, you've been
trying to talk to this girl

since junior year.

Have you even tried
to make a move?

Look, you weren't
there, alright.

First of all, her name
is Carla Cummings, okay.

Cummings. That's like
pornstar styley.

Good point, my friend.
Good point.

I know.

Hey dude, look.

Attention T.
Watkins High students.

We have a new student today.

Please, make sure you
welcome Kelvin Anis

to the school.
Have a great afternoon.

How's your first day
going, Anus?

Oh, wow.
Wow.

Uh, hey, dude, you got
a mint or something?

Gum?

What?

I just didn't know
they were serving

garbage, dude.
How was it?

Listen, you little fuck.

Some people may think
that you being

from Hollywood makes
you hot shit,

but that don't make it so.

You were a loser there.
And you're a loser here.

Dude,
at least I'm consistent.

Hey!
Move it along, Davies.

Let go of me, Mr. Clean.
Shouldn't you be washing

my shit out of the toilets
or something?

I said, move it along, Davies.

See you around, Anus.

Jordan Davies' bad side.

It's not a good place
to be, kid.

You better watch your back.

It's cool, everything's been
coming from the front.

You're crazy.

What's up?

Don't do it.

Do what?

Be a hero. It's not worth it.

Who is she?

From the tent you're pitching,
I'm guessing you're

talking about Valerie Ward.

- Tent I'm pitching?
- Yeah, I see it.

Forget it. If we even
had a league,

there would still be
a better league

we'd need to get into

before she was simply
out of our league.

Come on, you're telling me
that Davies is in her league?

That recycled douchebag?

Pfft. He wishes.

That there my friend
is one hundred percent,

prime cut, felashe mignon.

He'd have a better chance
entering a convent.

Hey I thought the
hero always got the girl?

What are you fucking
kidding me?

Does Spiderman ever give
the pink slider to Mary Jane?

Does Batman ever give
Cat Woman the one-eyed dolphin?

You know a lot of
names for penis.

- About ninety-three, yeah.
- Wow.

Aids Grenade, Fallopian
Fiddler, Hymen Hammer,

Beaver Cleaver, Vagina
Miner, Twelve inch

Train of Pain...

Okay. Gosh.
Alright, I got to go.

Good idea. Good idea.
Today is a good day to die.

I know they don't like me.
They like you even less.

Why?

Cause you're the
new kid. You're a threat.

It's a good thing
I don't have a guitar so.

No? Got a granola bar?

Granola bar?

Believe me.

When they want to they
can be real creative.

Look, football practice
is in a few hours,

we usually hang out
inside until then.

Who's we?

Come on I'll show you.

I know what you're thinking.

Did he fire six shots
or only five?

Well, the truth with all this
excitement,

I kind of lost track myself.

But being this is a
forty-four Magnum,

the most powerful handgun
in the world

and would blow your
head clean off,

you got to ask yourself
one question.

Do I feel lucky?

Well,
do ya punk?

Don't rush me.

And that was too easy.
Dirty Harry.

Okay, let's do this.

About damn time.

That's inconceivable.

The Sicilian. Princess Bride.

Scissors beats paper,
big shock.

Let me guess.

Cheddar was losing so he took
his time on the next round,

hoping to lure Rerun into a
false sense of security.

Now, we all know that
Rerun is impatient so he

probably began babbling
on about some film factoid

in order to fill the
gaping silence.

Cheddar entertained
the conversation,

nodding here and replying there,
until he could find a point

of weakness in
the meaningless drivel.

And then Cheddar restarted
the match.

Because you thought given the
state of Rerun's duress,

he would throw what would take
the least amount of motor skill

effort, this
of course being rock.

So Cheddar throws paper.

But, you forgot, Cheddar, is
that Rerun's favorite movie

the most ready to go drive
through h thought in his

bizarre little brain is
All The President's Men.

A movie about a president
who's immortalized for

two things;
Watergate and this.

What's the peace sign, but
simply scissors pointed up.

I'm a little scared right now.

Who's the fucking Sicilian?

Hey, uh, who's that?

Uh, Mr. Wiggington.
We call him Wigs.

Oh, yeah. Is he alright?

As good as a raging
alcoholic could be.

Lucky for us he's also
the chess club coach.

Uh...
that's what you guys do here,

you guys are on the chess team?

No, no.

He just tells the school
we're playing chess

and in return, we don't
tell anyone that

he's drowning daily
in a bottle of Jim Beam.

I see. So what exactly
do you guys do here?

Know thy enemy. First
rule of RPS.

I thought that was
the first rule of war.

RPS is war.

What is RPS?

Rock, Paper, Scissors,
you know? Roshambo.

And not the Roshambo
where players take turns

kicking each others genitals
until one falls down in pain...

the other one.

Kelvin this is Cheddar.

Ninth grade phenom and
super genius.

He is going to MIT next year.
If you knew half the

shit he does it would
make your balls ache.

They already do from that
Roshambo thing.

Thank you, Cheddar.
Nice to meet you.

And this is Rerun.

Future film producer
and movie addict.

Guys, this is Kelvin.

Hey, what's up. You're
a film producer?

Show him.

Just hold it. Hold it still.

Hey guys, it's me Rerun.

Alright, this shit's
going to go down tonight.

I'm going to peepee on the popo.

Let's do this shit right now.

This is your film?

DareYouToPissOnDotDot.com.

This has been seen by
over two million people.

Cheddar here helped
me set up the website.

People write in and
dare me to piss on

stuff and then I go and do it.

Hi.

Oh shit.

Oh, what the fuck!

So, what do you think, huh?

I'm morally conflicted.

That's the power of movies, man.
Makes you think.

Alright, alright you
crazy bastard.

Let's just get back-

Hey, speaking of crazy.

Einstein, where you
been man? You're late.

Dude, you call him Einstein?

Yeah.

That's messed up dude.
Isn't he retarded? What the-

Stop. Stop!

Watch his fingers!

That's enough!

Okay! Okay, enough! Enough!

Ow! Owwww!

Okay. Okay, cool.
Yeah, big guy

uh, we'll pick it up
tomorrow.

What the fuck was that?

You called him retarded.

I didn't call him retarded.
I asked if he was retarded.

I'm not the one fucking
calling him Einstein.

We call him that because
he's a goddamn genius.

He can't speak, of course,

but if you need to hack
into the CIA,

Einstein is your man.

Ah!

Don't take it personal, okay?

It's like a trigger
word or something.

I mean, any time anyone
says the word retarded',

he goes ape shit.
One time he mistook

this girl for saying
the word rewarded',

and then he mistook
her head for a kickstand.

Okay, I got it, okay.
Retarded, bad.

Okay, you know what?
It doesn't even matter.

I mean, it's not like
he needs to practice

the guy has never lost.
Which is more than I

can say for
the rest of us.

Lost at what? What
do you guys do here?

RPS-we're training for the
tournament. Come on.

Wait! There's a tournament
for rock, paper, scissors?

International tournament.
Yeah.

Oh, man, and you guys
are training for it?

Uh, uh. We're training
for it.

Look man I'm sorry, but, you
got the wrong guy. Okay?

I'm going to see you around.

Wait.

It just came out!

I know it sounds like
something that even

marching band assholes
would make fun of,

but all they get is a tall hat
and a shiny tuba

for a life of ridicule.

This is a legitimate tournament.
Takes place every year and the

grand prize is two hundred and
fifty thousand dollars.

Look, anyone can enter,
the only rule is that you

have to have a team of five.

And as you can see,
we're one short.

Once Einstein comes
back, anyways.

So what do you think?

Seriously guys, you can get
anybody, for your team.

I don't even know how to play.

I didn't even know what
RPS stood for.

He has a point there.

Shut it, Cheddar.

And no, we can't get just anyone

because anyone won't give us the
uber team we need to

compete at nationals.

Do you think Monk chooses
his team out of a hat?

Who the hell is Monk?

RPS grandmaster and
reigning champion.

Of course he is.
Look, guys honestly,

I don't know how to, play.

Of course you know
how to play.

Everyone knows how to play.
But, you, can know how to win.

That was awesome.

I think I just peed
a little. Woah.

The force is strong
in you Kelvin Anis.

I will make you a fucking Jedi.

Jedi. Jedi. Jedi.
Jedi. Jedi. Jedi.

Okay, okay.
I'll play for a little bit.

It's not like I got
anything better to do.

But I'm not joining your team!

Jedi. Jedi. Jedi. Jedi.
Jedi. Jedi. Jedi. Jedi.

Hey, Tiger.

Hey, mom. How's work?

You know, wasn't half bad.

How was first day?

I hung out with the chess team
so I wouldn't get my ass kicked.

Yeah very funny.

Oh, before I forget,
the internet guy came by today.

Everything is set to go.

Okay, just don't stay
up all night?

I won't.

- Promise?
- Yep.

Okay.

The internet.

My one thread of a lifeline
back to civilization.

Or at least my civilization.

Searching battlegrounds
and alliances.

The computer coliseum,
Achillean.

- Connecting.

This is my varsity.
This is my popularity.

This is my drug of choice.

- Alliances found.

- You killed Lock Zero.

- War Whore has joined.
- Holy balls.

What's up, War?

What's going
on Cock Chugger?

Where the hell have
you been. man?

Oh, Christ.

Seriously, where have you been?
It's crazy the beatings

I've been taking since
you've been gone.

I know it took so
long to get set up here.

- Dark Chyld has joined.

You ain't shittin'.

We're getting abused like
alter boys around here.

What's up Chyld?

Yo, who the hell is
Silent Fury, man?

Who?

Silent Fury. Who the
hell is that?

I have no idea. Why?

Cause he's been slapping the
shit out of us for the last

two weeks without even saying
a word.

Not even trying.

There's a new gamer on here?

How the hell did he get in?

We saw someone listed
as living in that dogtown

you call home so sent an invite.

Thought it was you.

Someone from here
is on Achillean?

I don't know, apparently.

How do you not know this?

Aren't there 12 people that live
in that town?

Yeah dude. That reminds me,
how's your mom's doing?

Donkey, fucking rapetard!

Why you gotta bring
my mom's into this?

- Silent Fury has joined.

Oh shit. It's him

Who?

Man, it's Fury!

I got your fucking
sauce buddy.

Your mother doesn't love you!

- You're new.

You're new, huh?

- Dark Chyld has joined.

Son of a whore!

- You were killed by
Silent Fury.

- You were killed by
Silent Fury.

Hold on.

Alright, just chill
guys I got this.

- You were killed by
Silent Fury.

Damn.

Hey! You're the new
kid. From L.A., right?

Yeah. How could you tell?

Your clothes kind
of gave it away.

Really? I'm Kelvin.

Hi, I'm Valerie.

Valerie Ward.
Yeah, I know.

Worst thing about small towns.
Everyone knows everyone.

I thought that was the best
thing about small towns.

Explains why they
always stay small?

Val, your late. Let's go.

Oh. Um, keep the clothes
Kelvin.

It's good to stand out.

See you later.

See ya.

How are you talking
to Valerie Ward?

What's up, Fritz?

I am. Jesus Christ, dude.
I'm saluting for the both of us.

That's Valerie Ward.

I've lived here my whole life
and pedophiles stand

closer to preschools
than I have to her.

What did you think about
last night?

I think you know a
little too much about

rock, paper, scissors.

Oh, that's nothing, man.
I got moves you never even seen.

What are you doing?

Fritz, Please stop,
dude. Come on.

Shimmy. Shimmy.

Dude. Stop. Stop. Stop.

What? What?

Cut it out.
What are you doing?

Alright, alright.
I'm just playing.

Just playing. Chill.
But seriously dude,

if you thought last
night was intense,

just wait until tonight.
That's all I'm saying.

Fritz. Fritz.
I told you man.

Last night was a one time thing.
I'm RPSed out.

Come on, man. You're
my ninja, dog.

Fritz, I'm out. Okay?
I'm done.

What am I going to
tell the team?

I don't know, tell them to find
somebody else!

Look, I just want to
keep my head down

and get out of here, okay?

You know what, screw
you Hollywood.

On second thought, screw me.

Never trust anyone.

I should have known better.

Watch where you're
going, Anus.

What are you going
to do about it McFatty?

Heh? Hey come on now.

Cry. Show me some tears.

Stop.

Stop what? Come on.

Let him go, asshole.

Well, well, well.
Kelvin Anus.

Don't tell me you're all rock
paper scissorfied too.

Yo, Anus. I got a
rock for ya.

Jordan. What are you doing?

Hey Stacy, Just in time for the
show.

Jordan, stop it.

Hey! Is there a problem here?

No. No problem, sir.

See, that's where
you're wrong.

Because I got a problem.

It seems some wiseguy thought
it might be a good idea

to use his dick as a firehose

and piss all over my
bathroom floor.

You wouldn't know nothing
about that,

now, would you Davies?

No. Could have been
an accident, or a mistake.

But I'll be sure to let you know
if I hear anything.

You, dig?

I think that's a good idea.

Because, if it happens again,

I might accidentally
mistake your lips

for a toilet seat.
You, dig?

You lucked out this
time, Anus.

See ya.

Fritz...

I'm fine.

I'm sorry.

Here.

Thanks.

Who's the girl?

Carla Cummings.

Fritz's imaginary girlfriend.

Screw you, Rerun.

She seems nice.

Oh. great. Well, you know,
why don't you call up

Valerie and get a three-
way going?

Come on, Fritz.

Forget it. It doesn't
even matter.

Look, thanks for your
help back there Hollywood,

really, but we got to
get to practice.

You're right. We do.

Oh, so now you want
to join the team?

If it's cool by you,
of course.

Rock on.

Carla Cummings.

Alright, listen up.
We don't have a lot of time

to get our shit together

so take your skirts
off and sack up.

Regionals are eight weeks away
and if we're going to

have a chance of winning
it and making it to the

championship,

we're going to have
to be quicker, slicker,

trickier than a greased pig
ducking gang rape

in the shower. Got it?

I think so.

What?

Yeah. I guess, yeah.

Good. Now, how do we do that?

Well, I was thin-

Shut up, Cheddar. Guys?

We win?

How do we win?

Um...

hard work?

Specific.

What training do we need to do?

Practice. Practice.

What?

Practice, uh,
rock, paper, scissors?

Practice rock, I don't know.

You, you're the one giving
the speech.

Don't look at me.

What?

Dumbass.

In and out without
touching the blade.

Are you sure about this?

It's a training technique
I learned about online.

Training for what
the Viet Cong?

Trust me. Cheddar.

Ow!

Rerun.

Ah!

- Hey, I got it.
- Hey, hey.

Remember, there is no spoon.

Damn, that was fast.
How'd you do that?

You want speed? Watch
and learn.

Give me the

Hey! You're going
to break it.

- Parting is such sweet sorrow.

- You were killed by Silent
Fury.

To be the master of
RPS.

RPS. RPS.
I'm the genius.

Is this what you're
going to do to Carla?

Throw your joystick?
in her face, huh?

- Rock. - Rock. - Paper.
- Paper - Scissors. - Scissors.

- Yes! Yes!

- Yeah!
- Wooh!

Son of a bitch.

Where's Rerun?

- What?
- Oh! Shoot!

- Rerun.

Okay, listen up.
I know you guys have

been working your asses
off, lately. Rerun you

may have suffered
a small heart attack.

- We're not sure.
- You'll be alright.

But tomorrow you'll see why.

Tomorrow, we take every
RPS player in the state

and we pound their asses
into submission.

You know what I mean?

Einstein you feeling good?
You feeling frosty?

Awesome, I... think.

Okay, everyone go home
and get some rest

because tomorrow we
shit on everybody,

and I'm all stocked
up on laxatives.

What are you doing?
Go home. Rest. Go.

Okay.

Rerun you live here.

Oh, sorry.

Dumbass.

Hello?

Kelvin!

Hey!

Hey. Um, I heard that
you worked here.

Wow. Word travels fast.

So, um, where you headed?

I'm on my way to my
grandparents' house.

My mom and I are staying there
until we finding our own place.

Actually, I'm just on the way.

Do you mind if I join you?

Yeah, sure.

Yeah?

Yeah. Alright, let's go.

So, what's it like?

What's what like?

You know, not being from here?

Well, it's
different. Not like good

or bad different. Just
different.

Yeah, I bet.

No, seriously, a couple
months ago I was begging

for the electric chair, but,
I don't know. There's

some things about this place I
kind of got attached to.

Well, this is me.

Thanks for the walk Kelvin.

Good luck tomorrow, you know,

with your rock, paper,
scissors thing.

That it just sounds
a little ridiculous,

but thank you.

Goodnight, Kelvin.

Good night

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

What did you say?

What?

Fury? You're the Silent Fury?

I don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh my, Gosh. Parting
is such sweet sorrow.

I'm Hellboy.
You've been kicking

the shit out of me for
two months!

You're not making
any sense, Kelvin.

Valerie...

Just leave me alone.

Valerie, wait!

What the hell just happened?

Valerie?

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

Oh!

This is it boys. It
all starts here.

I mean look at these guys.
I haven't seen this many pussies

since I stopped peeping in the
girls' locker room.

What the hell?

What? What is it?

Monk.

That's Monk? What the hell's he
doing here?

Not playing, that's for sure.

He qualifies in a different
region.

Fuck him. You guys start
warming up.

I'll sign us in. It's
time to kick some ass.

Rock Paper Scissors.

Need you to kIck this guy so
hard you make his eyes bleed.

On to the finals,
bitches. Let's do this.

It was like bam, bam, bam.

And it was done.

That guy is going to
have a concussion

after being slapped
around like that.

Alright, alright.
Let's just get Einstein

and get this over with quick.
I don't want any surprises,

okay?

Oh, man. Well, you're
not going to like this.

Son of a bitch.

Einstein, where the
hell you going man?

The finals are in fifteen
minutes.

Mr. Flaherty, am I right?

You played very well today.

Congratulations on making
it to the finals.

Can it Conehead. What are you
doing with my player?

Well, if you're referring to Mr.
Copeland here then I must

apologize. I met his parents
about a month ago.

I learned of his ability
and asked his parents

if he'd mind joining my team.
Mr. Copeland will be

flying with me this
evening to New York

to play
in the Manhattan Regionals.

Oh, he didn't,
he didn't tell you?

No, of course he didn't
fucking tell us.

He can't fucking talk!
Look, if he doesn't

go back in there with
us right now,

we forfeit the final.

We forfeit the final
we don't make the championship.

I'm sorry. But it's
late. Good luck.

So what are we going to do?

There's nothing we
can do. We're fucked.

There's got to be
something else.

There's not, alright? This was
it and that it is over.

Fritz there has got to be
something we can do.

There's not, alright?

I didn't even want to play
this stupid game.

Why are you taking it out on me?

You don't get it, do you?

There is literally no
something else', not for me.

As stupid as it sounds,
this is the one thing

that I'm actually good at.

Now I'm on Monk's fucking
blacklist.

I'll never get another
team together. I'm done.

Don't you see?
Next year, Cheddar,

you're going to be building
spaceships at MIT.

Rerun, you're gonna be directing
porn, or some shit.

Kelvin, you're from Hollywood.

That makes you born
cooler than I am now.

This was my one chance,
one chance to do

something better than
someone else.

The girl, the title,
the money - it's gone.

All this work and for what?

I got nothing. I got nothing.

Never trust anyone.
Fuck, I know better.

Hey.

What is it with this
place anyway?

Why can't we just be ourselves.

I don't know. Why can't you?

It's easy for you, isn't it?

Just being yourself, not caring
what other people think.

Opinions are overrated.

Really? Even when
their your parents'?

Do you know my parents
took away my computer

when I was
twelve years old?

They said I was becoming
a social misfit.

That the internet wasn't
for girls

who are pretty and popular.

Like all the friends I made,

all the games I played,
like weren't even real.

You know just because my best
memories are made up of pixels

rather than skin cells doesn't
make them any less real.

So who are they to judge?

Exactly. So, don't
let them Fury.

Kelvin, I know you guys lost and
I know why.

What?

It was Jordan.
I guess, awhile back

he called up some Monk
guy and told him about a

player on your team
that was unbeatable.

He told him to pull
your player just

when it would make you
fail to qualify.

Son of a bitch. How
do you know this?

He was bragging about
it to all of us.

It's just a big joke
to him. I'm sorry.

Too bad sorry' can't
get us in the tournament.

No, but I may know
something that can.

What do you mean?

Let's just say I know
my way around cyberspace

and the world wide web
knows a lot of loopholes.

What's this?

I'm not exactly sure,
but I'm told that if you

really want to get back in
that tournament,

the guy at that address
is your only chance.

Hey, what are you doing?

Hey, Just getting some of my
stuff out of there.

Listen, I got to tell
you something.

There's nothing to talk about.
Tournament is over.

We lost. Accept it.

You've accepted it?

I don't have much
choice now, do I?

Now, what if I told
you, you did.

I'm sorry, do you
live in Neverland?

Unless you have a freight
train to that pixie shit,

any dreams you have of making
it to the championship

are going to stay a
fucking fairytale.

Well, I don't live
in Neverland, but,

I may just have the address.

We got to be getting close.

Woah, woah, wait.
There it is.

Alright, stop the car.

Stop. Stop. Stop.

I can't believe you
guys talked me into this.

This car is my dad's
pride and joy.

Relax, Cheddar. Nothing's
going to happen.

You watch the news too much.

Oh, tell me, how does
hearing something on the news

make it more likely for it to
happen to me?

Alright, come on. Let's just go.

No way. There's no
way we're parking here.

Come on, Cheddar.

Stay in the car. Okay?
Just stay.

Man, is he paranoid.

We better not be wasting
our time. What the fuck?

Fucking hell gramps.

Put that
goddamn gun down.

Sorry boys. You never
know when you might

meet a stray
negro running around.

Get Cheddar the fuck
out of here.

What do you Nancies want?

A diaper for starters and

maybe a copy of the
emancipation proclamation!

No, shit, my gramp
is a bit of a racist fuck.

You're blowing my fucking
mind right now.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

We were told you might be able
to help us with this.

Talk.

So can you get us in or not?

Let's say I can. Why should I?

Pay back some of the
morality debt

Grandpa Klan up there's
racked up.

Is he always that funny?

You always speak with
that accent?

What accent?
You guys any good?

Regional finals until
Monk screwed us over.

Monk?

Yeah, Monk. Took our
best player.

Alright. I'll help
you get in on one condition.

I play on your team.

No.

C'mon Fritz. We need
a fifth player anyway.

Can you play?

You just worry about
yourselves.

Alright, hotshot,
let's say you're in.

How do we get into the
tournament?

We get an invitation
from the commissioner.

Why didn't I think of that?

You know, let's call
him right now.

Hey, Commish, how's it hanging?

Can we get an invite
to the league championship?

- What did he say?
- Oh yeah, good call.

He's going to get right on that.

- Didn't say we ask for it.
- So, what do we do?

We win it.

Uh, newsflash, regionals
are over.

Kind of why we're here
in the first place.

Come on, Hollywood,
we're wasting our time.

We win it at the URL.

What'd you say?

You heard me. We win
it at the URL.

Fritz, what's a URL?

A figment of his imagination.
That's what it is.

You sure about that?

Yeah.

Well, I've got five
broken bones and

three skin grafts to
suggest otherwise.

Wait a second, I know who you
are. You're Logan Carter.

What the fuck is a URL? What?

Underground RPS League.

They supposedly ran
a no-holds-barred tournament

unsanctioned by Rock Paper
Scissors Association of America.

I just thought it was a myth.

It's no myth.
The RPS commissioner

has a hard on for full
contact.

He can't sanction the league

but doesn't mean
he can't extend

an invitation to the
winners under the table.

Fritz, how do you
know this guy?

Logan Carter was an up and
comer in then RPS ranks.

Had a lot of potential.

I heard Monk tried to
recruit him.

Recruit me? That's a joke.

First thing he did was
send me into the URL.

Said I needed to toughen up.

That's one hell of a
way to cut your teeth.

Always knew he was scared.

Scared of what?

Of me.

Now you're delusional.
Monk wouldn't be afraid

of some punk beating
him.

What if that punk already had?

So what the hell
happened to you?

URL happened to me.
End of story.

Good evening, good man.
We're here to see Link.

Links not here.

Really? Okay, he said
that he'd be here.

He asked me to give
him this rock.

Dude, where the hell
are we going?

You'll see.

Um, this might be a stupid
question, but what would have

happened If you
were throwing paper?

If you can't beat him? You
shouldn't be here.

Hey!

Logan Carter.

Hello Link. It's been a
long time.

Not long enough. I
thought I was clear.

I wasn't to see your
face around here anymore.

Well, I'm sure thats cause last
time I seen my face it

was pretty fucked up.

My surgeon,

you should give him,
a call. I'll make this

short Link. I need a
ticket to the big dance.

I need you to give it to me.

And why would I do that?

Because I know it eats you up
inside knowing that besides

Monk - I am the one person
you can't beat.

So, I'm giving you the
chance to reconcile.

And what do you propose?

Five on five.

Each player throws once,
first team to three.

We win, you give us
the invitation.

And when you lose?

You give us to the dogs.

I'm gonna fuck you up.

Sorry, Link, you're
just not my type.

Five minutes.

Give us to the dogs? That's the
best you could come up with?

Not do your laundry for a month
or maintain the impeccable

quality of this fine
establishment. No Logan.

What you do if you lose?
Let me think about that.

I know how about feeding
us to the fucking dogs!

He wouldn't have gone
for it otherwise!

Relax. I've got a plan.

Alright, girls, listen up.

Judging by the way your
asses are all puckered,

I assume that you're
scared shitless.

I think that would
be a fair assessment.

Oh, you do, do you?

You know what else would
be a fair assessment?

Your new nickname is
going to be Puppy Chow

if you don't
stop interrupting me.

Please don't hurt me.

Alright, as I was saying,
contrary to what you probably

heard, RPS is not a game
mastered by chance, habits

or tricks, but by fear.

You think Monk goes
around memorizing

every little thing
everyone does?

Shaves his head, dresses
like a ninja and acts like

a fucking ghost because it
gets him laid?

Fuck no. He does it
to control the fear.

If he controls the fear.
He controls you.

Are you getting any of this?

- No

You watch your heartbeat
right now?

What?

152 beats per minute,
what's yours?

I don't know.

164.

How do you know that?

I can see it, cause
you're all afraid.

Hey, it's time.

Look, it's really simple.
A steady heartbeat means

there's nothing left to do.

so you're throwing rock.
If your pulse pulses

just before the moment
of impact, you're unsure

and most likely throwing
paper.

Now, if your pulse spikes,
you're being aggressive

and throwing scissors. But I
wouldn't know any of

this if I can't
see your pulse. Your neck

your wrist, your hand. They
all, give you a way. So calm

the fuck down. What do you
think the dogs are for?

The dogs are working.

What you're saying is, not only
can you see our heart rate

but what we're going to throw
because of it?

Now Carter!

So any questions before
we start?

Um yeah, if we shit our pants
do we get disqualified?

No. I think you're good.
Anything else? Good come here.

Try not to screw this up.

Whoo!

You, get in.

Yes!

You got to be fucking
kidding me.

Yes!

Go.

Yes!

This envelope. Your
precious little invitation.

But that's as close as you're
going to get to it.

I'm scared.

Any last requests?

Yeah. Try not to whine
like a little bitch

after I finish slapping
the shit out of you.

Better luck next time, Link.

Oh, Holy crap that was the
craziest thing I've ever seen

Guys, did you realize
what just happened?

Uh, yeah we almost got killed.

Man, what a rush!

Logan what you did back there?
That was awesome!

- That was great.
- Yeah, yeah

Thank me when we're walking away
with Monk's trophy.

Oh seriously.

No doubt. But come on.
We got to do something.

We got to celebrate!

Yes!, yes!

I'm down what'd you
have in mind?

Hey guys, me again. Tonight's
episode is one near and dear

to my heart. This shows for
all you out there who's

ever been picked on, stepped on
slapped around, or been

gang banged.

Tonight I want you to stand
proud, raise up your flaccid,

misused middle finger and give a
Fuck You to all those

assholes of the world.

DareYouToPissOn proudly
presents, Bully Me This

Come on. Hand me the
thing. Hurry up.

I hope you're right
about this.

When are you boys,
ever going to learn?

There you go.

Tonight's forecast,
ladies and gentlemen

a hundred percent chance
of rain.

Hollywood here I come.

Academy Awards baby.

Come on we got to go.
We got to go.

Got ya.

Don't worry, I know the
dude behind the bar. It's fine.

This is cool, dude.

So, tell me, mate, who
are these fuckers?

My team.

Gee, sorry mate.

Hey, what's with the accent?

What accent?

Guys, is it bad that
I feel absolutely no

remorse for what we
did to Jordan?

Hell no. Let him soak in it.

Loser.

Hey, Cheddar, if we
win what are you going

to do with your half
of the money?

School. My scholarships
won't last forever.

Tug, get them some milk
and cookies.

I'll have what he's having.

No. Milk and cookies.

I'm twenty-one and
over, it's cool, right.

Milk and cookies

Whatever, Rerun what about you?
Film, School?

Fifty K? Hmm, let
me think about this.

Pay someone to show me how to
make some lame movies

or fund one my own. No way man.

This cat's Kevin Smithing
his career all the way.

What about you Fritzy?

Amsterdam. I think

I got a shot at getting
laid in Amsterdam.

What?

What about you, Hollywood?

I think I give it to my mom.
She's really helping me out.

And I would-

- What?
- Mama's boy

Get out of here. Get
out of here.

You guys are whack.
What about you, Logan?

I don't know. I guess I'd
finally use half of it

to move out my grandfather's
house and give the

other half to the United Negro
College Fund.

Are you serious?

What?

United Negro College Fund.

Stop eating all the.
cookies.

You are crazy.

Nice Giraffe, Anus.

What time do you call
this? You're late.

What?

We got to go. Come on.

Shut up.

Alright, throw that.
Throw that back there.

Hey you.

Valerie, hey.

So, you're off, huh?

Yeah, we're on our way.

Well, I though I'd come by to
wish you. Good luck.

Thanks, you know, we wouldn't
even be here if it

wasn't for you being you.

Hey, Anus!

Uh. Uh.

Hey, you better wrap
this up quick.

Look I go, but you think when I
get back we could

pick this up right here?

Sure, I'd like that.

Okay. I'm sorry. I
got to go. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm going to kill you.

Oy!

Ow!

Oy! What the fuck you doing?

Oh shit.

Fucking pussy. Come on!

Yeah! Run Davies,
you little bitch!

Good morning sports fans and

welcome to the home of the
15th Annual

Rock, Paper, Scissors World,
Championship.

Over the next two days almost
300 players from around

the country and around
the world will face off

in a sports showdown that is
sure to shake the earth from

the lights of Los Angeles to
the frost of Bangor, Maine.

Today 64 teams will face off
in a grueling test of mental

toughness and physical stamina
as they try to stay alive

and make it into tomorrow's
semi -final match.

Now, the rules are simple.
Each team must win three

of five sets to win the match
and move on to the next

round. Now without further
ado, let's throw it over to

Jelly Kane and meet some of our
contestants Jelly.

Thank you Case. Well strap on
tight sports fans because

in just a few days we're all
going to have the pleasure

of watching someone do this for
a quarter of a million dollars.

Strap in Jelly, right?
Strap in tight?

Strap in right. Who will it be
well for starters let's meet

some of our contestants.

Hi, I'm dolly of the
paper dolls

and I play rock-paper-scissors
because it gets me hot.

I'm Dread of Team Nemesis.

And what's your name sir?

We're Katey and Karey-from Team
Gemini andy we bring double the

trouble.

Your name sir?

Private Pryde here
with the Mighty Privates.

Let me tell you
something. Victory,

It belong to us.

My friends call me Bones and the
reason I play Rock Paper

Scissors is because it's safer
than flying

headfirst into a blackhole.

- Rock-paper-scissors. Boom

Casey, I'm not sure

which team he's with
no. No, but, uh, could you

send some soap down
this way, please.

I'm Scissorella from
Team Sonic Doom and

I'm going to skate over
the competition.

And of course, as always we've
got Team Nemesis, led by their

8 time MVP, The Monk, and
newcomers this year,

The Butt Fuckers.

The BuckFutters,
sorry. Uh, back to you, Casey.

Uh, thank you, Jelly,
and, uh, that's a reminder

to all you kids out
there stay in school.

Nice Unies, Ched.
That's pretty catchy.

Mr. Flaherty, so nice
of you to join us.

I'm glad our earlier
altercation, did not bear you

any unnecessary misfortune.

You kiss your mother
with that mouth, Monk?

I heard that the best
rock thrower in the

world was here. All
that wankings paid off.

Logan. Link told me you
were looking for a team

I told him there wasn't anyone
stupid enough to take you in.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Apparently, you were,
and if you get in my way

again you hairless fuck. I'm
going to drag you to a bridge,

slit you from here to here, and
use your intestines as a

bungee cord.

How poetic. Nemesis,
meditate.

Come on. We've got
a game to play.

ButtFuckers? I'm not
wearing this.

Ladies and Gentleman, not
since the Trojan War have I

seen so many fierce
competitors assembled on one

single Battlefield. And if you
like epic battles,

then stay tuned
sports fans because this war

will be one for the ages.
And now, for

the start of the tournament,
let's throw it downstairs

to the game floor, where the
50th annual rock-paper-scissors

tournament is about to begin.

Like walking into a
massage parlor for the first time,

you never know what's
going to happen.

Ladies Report
to the dance floor

One, two, three.

BUCKFUTTERS!

And Monk goes with a
sharp scissors to take the lead!

Ooh, what a nice paper that was.
Looked like Foolscap.

Get a tetanus shot!

He was cut down by those
scissors.

After one of the most
grueling first rounds, this announcer

has witnessed in many a year
inundated with bone crushing

rocks, slashing scissors,
slicing paper, we're set

to kick off the second round.

These guys are sweating like
Mike Tyson at a spelling bee.

This RPS tournament is brought
to you by Toxic-

what doesn't kill you,
makes you stronger.

Dude, you got to stop
drinking that dude.

You don't look so good.

Hey, be careful. That's
Link's brother, Fence.

Fence? What's his
mom's name, Chain?

Players ready? Engage!

Oh! That is absolutely
disgusting.

1, 2, 3 BuckFutters!

Engage.

Great Caesar's ghost,
what determination!

Nice rock, man it takes
a lot of rocks to do it.

Engage.

Winner!

Yes! Huddle up, huddle up.

So it's come down to this,
ladies and gentlemen.

Three teams are already
in and the BuckFutters

are one set away from
joining them in tomorrows

semi-final match Jelly, what
do you have for us?

Thank you Casey. Well,
Three teams are already in

and the BuckFutters are a set
away from joining them

in tomorrow's semifinal match.

All right, Jelly,
thank you very much.

I might've already mentioned
that anything

else you'd like to add?

Uh, Thank you Case the fate of
this inexperienced team

and offensive juggernaut
lies in the

hands of rookie sensation,
Kelvin Hollywood Anus.

Anoose? Anoose. It's
fucking hot down here.

Okay. Jelly. Thank
you very much and good

luck with the unemployment line.

Okay Hollywood, just finish this
guy up and get us

out of here. You got this?

He looks tired. I
got this. I got it.

Get him! Come on Hollywood!
Finish him.

Players ready?

Look at these titans
stare each other down.

I've never seen anything
like it.

Engage.

Winner.

Engage.

Tie.

Engage.

Winner.

Engage.

Tie.

Engage.

Tie.

Engage.

Winner.

He's done it and
the BuckFutters are through

to the semi-finals.

Move on to the semi-final.

Here we come! Monk,
we are coming for you!

But it's not over yet. So
don't forget sports fans

to join us back
here tomorrow where,

one lucky team will be crowned,
the RPS King.

Good night everyone.

You know a fucking monkey
could do his job.

I feel like I'm talking to my
cell phone here sometimes.

Could we actually hire somebody
that has some talent?

I can't believe you dropped
those papers on that guy like

that. That was insane.

Well, save your insanity
for tomorrow night.

You're going to need
it when you face Monk.

Yeah, that's funny.

I'm being serious.

I can't believe I'm going
to say this.

If we make it to the finals,
you're our anchor. You got Monk.

Logan, You've been in this the
whole time just to beat Monk.

Don't you think I know that.
Don't you think I'd love to

defeat that arrogant prick.

But the fact is he knows
me, knows how too beat me.

He's counting on facing
me in the finals.

But, he's never faced
him, doesn't know him.

And let's face it. Anyone who
throws paper six times

in a row and wins might
actually scare him.

But what's to stop him from
just playing you

when you step up to the table?

He can't. For the finals you
have to submit your team roster

in the order they play
before the match begins

that way you can't jockey around
players trying to gain

an advantage.

That's right. I'll tell you
what. If I know Monk,

it's really going to piss him
off. Now get some sleep.

Don't worry about it.

You did a great
job out there today.

Didn't lose a set.

I had a good teacher.

Fucking right you did.

Listen Kel,
I never did thank you for

getting us this far. You know,
for getting us here.

I've been picked on my entire
life, my entire life. I've been

the dumb kid, fat kid, the
useless fuck

at the end of the bench.

I never had anyone pull
through for me before like

you have. So thanks.

You're a great friend, Fritz.

You looked out for Cheddar.
You looked out for Rerun

You looked out for me.

I guess we make a pretty
good team, huh?

Yeah.

You really think we
can win tomorrow?

Don't know

Monk's team is pretty
solid and of course they

have Einstein so I don't
even think Logan

has a chance there.

What about Monk?

Ow!

Son of a bitch Jordan
what the fuck?

Anus? Miss me? Think I was
going to let you piss in my

car, take my girl and walk away
into the fucking sunset huh?

Yeah, that was kind
of the plan.

Well, there's a new plan
asshole. And it involves

using your mouth like
you did my car seat.

Let him go, dickhead.

Oh shit.

I fucking hate that kid.

Seriously, all the guardian
angels in the world and I

get the janitor?

Was that our fucking janitor?

I think that was. Fuck, dude,
how's your hand?

Fucking kills. You
mother fucking asshole!

We're screwed. We're
screwed. We're screwed.

Good afternoon sports
fans and welcome back.

Well, this is it. The final
day, the coupe de gras.

Four teams remain, but soon, it
will be down to two.

In pool A we have last year's
runner up, Sonic Doom

against last year's
champ, Team Nemesis.

And in pool B it's the Flying
Fuks squaring off against

this year's Cinderella
story The BuckFutters.

Bu if the BuckFutters are to
remain and continue on,

they're going to have
to overcome a few more obstacles

as we have just learned
Fritz Flaherty has sustained

an injury to his right hand
for further news on this

let's throw it over to Jelly
Kane, Jelly.

Thank you Case. Fritz Flowerty
is hurt very bad and it

will be difficult for him to
play with this hand. However,

he will be able to play with
this hand. As you know that

is a near impossibility in this
sport back to you Case.

Well, thank you Jelly. The stage
is set and the stakes are high.

So grab a seat folks and settle
in because tonight

promises to be a barn burner.

Jesus Christ! You
can barely move it.

How are you going to
compete with that?

I don't know, but
we're not forfeiting.

God damn right we're
not forfeiting. Fuck.

We're not going to win either.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

Fuck!

Fuck!

Come on. Let's get
this over with. Fuck!

Players ready.

Engage.

Scissorella takes the first set,
and the Monk is simply

beside himself. As Nemesis finds
themselves down for the

first time in the tournament. So
sit tight and hook up those

colostomy bags sports fans
cause here we go.

Engage.

Look at this freak of nature
tear his opponent apart

as he stays unbeaten and brings
Nemesis from the brink

of elimination.

And Dread ties it up!

Leaving their fate in
the hands of the one

and only monk.

Winner.

He wins it again folks and
this underdog crowd

here, does not look happy.

It was him. He brought
Jordan here.

That bald fuck busted my hand!

Winner.

It doesn't look good folks after
a terrific start by Logan

Carter the BuckFutters are in a
hole that keeps getting bigger

as the three-fingered assassin
is shredding through the one

handed Flaherty. Is it paper?
Is it scissors?

I have no idea.

Winner.

Oh, and apparently,
neither does Flaherty

as the BuckFutters find
themselves, once again,

on the edge of elimination
with the rookie sensation

and weakest link still to go.

No way. Kelvin, you're next.

I thought you wanted me to
the anchor?

Yes, but that was until it was
down two to one.

We lose, we go home and there's
nothing for you to fucking

anchor then, is there?
Hence, you're up.

I can't go last.

And I can't give myself a decent
blowjob but that doesn't

stop me from
trying now, does it?

God, I hope so.

Look, you just worry about
winning right now

And you get ready for when he
wins. Now come on get

in there. Let's do it. Come on,

Come on.

Players ready.

Engage.

Scissors.

Engage.

Win.

Engage.

Paper.

Rerun it's all up to you now,
ok. We take this and

we're in the finals. You got it?

I can't do this.

Pull it together. Gotta
do this. Okay

I can't, you guys. I can't.

Well hold on folks.

There seems to be something
wrong with the BuckFutters

last player. Seems that
the infamous pressure of

the RPS semi-final has taken
yet another victim.

He can't even move.

Then we fuckin' carry
him there.

We put him up there
like this, it's over.

Well, we got to do something.

Come on, ideas.

Kelvin.

Come on. Come on.

Rerun. Rerun. Rerun.
Rerun.

Rerun. Rerun. Rerun.
Rerun.

Rerun. Rerun. Rerun.
Rerun.

Rerun. Rerun. Rerun.
Rerun.

Rerun. Rerun. Rerun.
Rerun.

You hear that?

Yeah.

That's your name. They're
cheering for you out there.

They're cheering for you.

Yeah.

- You hear me?
- Yeah.

Alright, now this
is it, alright? There's no

stopping now! You start, and
you don't stop. All your

strength. All your power! All
your love!

- Everything you've got!
- Yeah

To win you got to knock him out!
Punch and punch

till you can't punch no more!

Okay!

This is your whole life here!

Yeah, Yeah!

Yeah! Come on!
Come on!

Come on!

Players, ready.

Engage.

Win, Engage.

Tie, Engage.

Engage.

Winner.

Well I've got to tell you folks,

in all my years
of broadcasting I've never

seen anything like this. If you
can appreciate a cinderella

story, if you believe in
miracles, if you ever want to

see David face the mighty
Goliath, then don't move

a muscle. Because in mere
moments perhaps the greatest

match in all of sport, Dare I
say, all of the world is about

to unfold.

And so it begins.

Ladies and Gentleman.

Welcome to the Rock,
Paper Scissors,

National Championship final
round. Let's bring out our

finalist teams, Team Nemesis.

Team BuckFutters.

Logan, don't worry

I'll make this as painless
as I possibly

can for you. If it gets
that far.

See you in the fucking
ring, Monk.

Let the final round
begin. Take your positions.

Player one, please.

Wait a minute,
what's going on?

He's
supposed to be the anchor.

I said I'd see you
in the ring, Monk.

Never said anything
about playing you, mate.

I'm sorry Mr. Monk, but my
list has Logan Carter

as the BuckFutters'
lead off man.

No he's supposed to play me!

Mr. Monk, my list says
otherwise. Now step back.

Walk away. Move on. Bye bye.

Players.

Players ready.

Engage.

Rock.

Tie.
Engage

Tie.
Engage.

Rock.

Round one goes to
the BuckFutters.

And just like that the ghost of
RPS past flies in

and handily takes the first set
away with a crushing blow.

Alright he is pissed.

Alright now we know
monk is going last

let's hope to hell Einstein
goes forth because

if I'm going to get beat it
might as well go to a sure loss

so Cheddar, Rerun, one of you
two has to win in order to

give Kelvin a shot, got it?
Okay, let's do this.

One, two, three, BuckFutters!

Come on, Cheddar.
Get him. Get 'em!

- Come on!
- Come on, Cheddar.

Players ready.

Engage.

Scissors.
Engage.

Paper.
Engage.

Scissors.
Engage.

Paper.

Round two goes to Nemesis.

Nemesis fights back

and the youngest
player in the tournament gets

paper slapped all the way
back to a 1-1 tie,

with three to go.

Players ready.

Engage.

Rock.
Engage.

Scissors.
Engage.

Scissors, engage.

Scissors, round goes
to Team Nemesis.

And here we go with the fate
of the tournament riding

on the captain, Fritz
Flaherty's damaged hand.

Sorry guys.

It's alright. You did your best.
Hey we all did, okay.

Come on, guys, this is retarded

We made it to the finals okay.
And if I'm going to

lose I'm glad it's to that
unstoppable bastard over

there who doesn't even know he's
screwing us.

Now what's it going to be
captain? Do we forfeit?

or do you wanna go down with the
ship left handed?

You're a fucking genius.

Well thank you but, down
with the ship it is.

Players ready.

Let's get retarded.

Ow!

Oh my god!

Players four, Team Nemesis
red card disqualification.

There's no ship going down!
There's no ship going down!

Ladies and gentlemen, I
don't believe it.

The Undefeated Nemesis
Juggernaut James Copeland

has just been red-carded out of
here for a spectacular,

right hook. Flaherty is up and
he looks all right.

You know you're nuts, right?

Now go kick his ass.

So it's come down to this. One
set, one match, one destiny

A virtual unknown taking on the
most decorated athlete in

RPS history. Could David defeat
the mighty Goliath again?

Well we're about
to find out.

Players ready.

Five kids no job is pressure,

but this is close.

Engage.

Paper.
Engage.

Paper.
Engage.

Scissors.

It's the dreaded paper cut.

Engage.

Scissors.

It's time to lose Mr. Anus.

One more, one more.

Players ready.

Sorry to disappoint you Monk,
but I've already won.

You know it's funny
sometimes how things work out.

Engage.

How you could overcome
pretty much anything.

Sometimes in the most
unlikeliest ways.

Even when caught between
a hard place...

and a rock.

Rock wins!

Rock beats scissors!!
It's all over!

It's all over and just like
the bible tells me so,

little David topples the mighty
Goliath with the casting

of a single stone. Unbelievable.
Unbelievable.

Yeah baby, we did
it! Woohoo! Yes!

That is what the fuck I am
talking about! Yes!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Never trust anyone,
huh? This is it.

Now somebody get me to a
fucking buffet! Yeah! Wooh!

Well, you did it, dude.

Uh, uh. We did it.

You know, we're going
to miss you when

you go to Amsterdam right?

Yeah, well I was thinking maybe

I'd stick around for
a little bit,

- Really?
- Yeah.

Hey Fritz.

Hey.

Um, I forgot. I have to pick up
my little sister from dance

class at 7 tonight would you
mind coming

by around 8 o'clock
instead?

8 is fine. Eight is great.

Eight is Enough. Eight
o'cock-clock,

Okay.

Don't forget to bring
your guitar.

Okay.

- Okay.
- See ye

- See ya.
- Bye

Dude what the hell was that?

What? It was nothing.

You can't play guitar.

Wait a minute. Last summer at

your uncle's place.
He's the musician, right?

Oh my god. That first
day of school? They broke

your guitar. Did you learn how
to. play for her?

No.

Uh-huh. Well, try not to use
this one as a belt.

Well done, man. Well done.

You're all gonna be well done
when I fuck the shit

out of everyone.

God that felt good.

Dude, That was hot.

You should see her
in my dreams.

No I didn't.

Hey, so am I going
to see online tonight?

Um, I don't know I was thinking
we'd take a night off today.

You know do something else.

What'd you have in mind?

I don't know something
like this.

I'll see you tonight.
Bye boys.

Ooh.

Alright, So what are
we gonna do about this guy?

I got an idea. Somebody
get my camera.

Do it.

Oh, don't do it. Oh, God.

Oh, his mouth is open.

God.

♪ Got a lift down to
the edge of town ♪

♪ Where the merry-go-around
goes around and round ♪

♪ Way the sun shined on you face ♪

♪ Made me think
of a different place ♪

♪ Sticks and stones may
break your bones ♪

♪ But paper hearts always know ♪

♪ Teardrops are
the friendly folds ♪

♪ Your heart is my stereo ♪

♪ Woo oh oh woo oh oh oh ♪

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

♪ Got you and I want you
and your so damn funny ♪

♪ I go around town singing
you're my hunny ♪

♪ Smile on your face
is a shade of sunny ♪

♪ Your mine, all mine ♪

♪ Need you and I want
and you want me back ♪

♪ Want you and you need
me and you need me back ♪

♪ Need you, I want you
and you want me back ♪

♪ I want you and
you need me back ♪

♪ Got a lift down to the
edge of town ♪

♪ Where we walked around
till the sun went down ♪

♪ The way the moon
shined on your face ♪

♪ Made me think of outer space ♪

♪ I don't know
what you've been told ♪

♪ But your hands
can break this fold ♪

♪ My paper heart
is yours to hold ♪

♪ Feelin with your lovin soul ♪

♪ Whoa ah oh, Woo oh oh ♪

♪ We walked around till
the sun went down ♪

♪ And it was right there,
on the edge of town ♪

♪ You handed me that folded note ♪

♪ Kinda guessed what you
already wrote ♪

♪ Paper hearts wrote the start ♪

♪ Songs fore
me to sing ♪

♪ My paper heart
is yours to keep ♪

♪ Now sing this song
and keep that beat ♪

♪ My heart is your stereo ♪

♪ Now, please don't let it slow ♪

♪ Whoa ah oh Whoa ah ah oh ♪

♪ Got you and I want you
and your so damn funny ♪

♪ I go around town
singing you're my hunny ♪

♪ Smile on your face,
is a shade of sunny ♪

♪ Your mine, all mine ♪

♪ Need you and I want
and you want me back ♪

♪ I want you and you need
me and you need me back ♪

♪ You love me and I love you
and you love me back ♪

♪ I love you and you love
me and I love you back ♪