All language subtitles for Rob And Romesh Vs s03e03_English

The following programme contains
strong language and adult humour.

'Rom and I are back.'
(HOOTS HORN)

Yes!

Jesus.

'Bigger...

I'm really struggling to focus.

'Better...

and more tested than ever.'

(LAUGHS)

'Together we're on
a journey of discovery.'

If you stick your tongue out,
somehow it helps.

(LAUGHS)

'To find out what we like...

I feel great.
Is this sexy?

and what we don't.'

I'm going off golf.
Just talk less.

Oh, my G...
(BOTH LAUGH)

'This week it's drag.
We embrace our inner divas.'

Oh, my God!

'And with the help of our mentor,
Alan Carr...

Alan.
Hi.

..we prepare to take to the stage as
drag superstars.'

'Rob and I had never seen
a drag show,

we before we did anything else
we needed

to find out what we had in store.'

First ever drag performance tonight,
Romo.

I'm not pretty immersed in what it's
all about, but I do like it.

I think it's cool.
-You like the idea of it?
-Yeah.

-Yes. What about you?
-I do actually
like it, I think it's great.

I just love seeing people have fun
and expressing themselves,

and I think that's the main thing
of it, innit?

What would you like to be called?

I'd be called Ruby Banganathan.

Ruby Banganathan.
Yeah, and then...

(GASPS) That's a great name.
Is that off the top of your head?

Yeah.
Ruby Banganathan...nation.

"Banganasian"?
(BOTH LAUGH)

"Ruby, bang an Asian".
You know what I'd like to do?

I'd like to have a ruby,
then "banganasian".

Sounds like a stag do in New Delhi.

Ruby Banganathan. It's so good.

Ruby Banga... I'm furious
at how good your name is.

What about hair?

I'm gonna go...
Go on.

Black bob.

That's your name?
(LAUGHS)

I'll be honest with you,
it's quite high risk.

Beckett's dragged up and
he's blacked up.(LAUGHS)

That's seeing his career out
in style.

I'm gonna be racist, sexist,

and homophobic in one big
makeup frenzy.

I'm Black Bob, and welcome
to the end of my career.

(LAUGHS)

'We were heading to Birmingham to
meet our mate and fellow comedian

Alan Carr. Alan's a judge on the hit
show RuPaul's Drag Race UK.

So who better to introduce us
to this glamourous world?

It looks fun, it looks happy,

I'm up for it.
And I'm with Alan Carr.

You could go anywhere with Alan Carr
and it's a laugh.

If you go to a drag show,
it's gonna be raucous.

How do you make it more raucous?
Turn up with Alan Carr.

I'd go to a wake with Alan Carr and
I'd come out going, "What a night."

'It was time to meet up
with the chatty man himself.'

Hello.
Guys.

Welcome to your first ever
drag show.

Come and meet two of the best
in the business.

Baga Chipz and The Vivienne.
Come with me.

Don't be scared, come on.
We're not scared, Alan.

'The Vivienne and Baga Chipz were
winner and runner-up respectively

of RuPaul's Drag Race.

So we were about to see
the creme de la creme of UK drag.'

They're gonna be buzzing when they
leave. It is just an energy shot

into the arm.
They are gonna love it.

They're not gonna know
what's hit them.

'The club was filling up, so it was
time to kick back

and watch the show.

Please welcome the only and only
Baga Chipz and The Vivienne.

Hello! How are you doin'?

Oh, Birmingham. I'll just go to the
gate, turn left, turn right,

see you later at the Bullring.
Tarra, pork scratchings.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

I'll be honest with ya, as soon as
The Vivienne and Baga Chipz

walked out,
and one was massive and glamourous

and the other was little with a
moustache that kept on falling off,

I went, "That is a bit of me and
Rom." We can do that all day long.

Hello, Alan, thank you for coming
today. Are you all right?

Oh, sorry, I thought it was you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

The vibe is rinse 'em, roast 'em.

Just, literally, just rip 'em apart.

Hello, Alan. Are you all right?

Alan Carr, he cannot be
a critical judge on a drag show.

He loves everything.

Let me just rearrange my bollocks.
Here we go.

(LAUGHS)

He was enjoying it,

but also slightly worried
about how much he was enjoying it.

Somebody would say something,
Alan would go... (CACKLES)

"Oh, I shouldn't have laughed
at that."

We can raise our drinks, have a nice
little cheers to a good night.

Yes? One, two, three, cheers.
ALL: Cheers!

Every punchline was followed up
by an order.

♪ Hey, Mr Barman... ♪

Can I have a gin and tonic and
a Jagerbomb, please.

He's not like who's there, who cares?

Can I have a gin and tonic
and a jagerbomb? Cheers.

So, cheers, Birmingham!
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

I tell you what.
I've found my vocation.

(MIMICS DONALD TRUMP) People of
Birmingham, thank you very much.

Thank you for being here.

I know we're have great news,
tremendous news this week.

Me and Melania,
we both got Covid-19.

And I love Covid
just like I love my women.

19 and spreadable.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

'But the night wasn't over yet.'

Are we ready for the finale?
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

After three. One, two, three!

(MUSIC INTRO)

Come on, hands in the air!

'The drinks just kept coming,
and by now Rob was on the verge of

quitting comedy altogether to become
a fully-fledged drag queen.'

♪ I'm so excited,
and I just can't hide it... ♪

ALL: Uh-oh!

♪ We're halfway there

♪ Uh-oh!

♪ Living on a prayer!

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah! ♪

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

So, guys, what did you
think of the drag show?

Unbelievable.
I love it.

Well, you two are
gonna have to do it!

I think out of everything
we've ever done,

this is the most suited one to me.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry. What
an incredible statement to make.

We just had the best night.

I think to myself,
"That's intimidating."

Rob thinks...
The bar is so high.

..that's me, that's me.
-They're incredible.
-They are.

But let's be honest,
you're The Vivienne, I'm Baga Chipz.

Sort of dick out accidentally.
Dick out, flies down,

shit-faced, let's go.

Did you notice her camel toe
travelled around her body?

Yeah, it became different animals.

(ALL LAUGH)
It was like a safari.

It was camel, then it was giraffe,

then it was a lion.
Whipsnade was poking out the crutch.

(ALL LAUGH RAUCOUSLY)

But also what I loved about the old
drag, how great is that?

You can order drinks
halfway through your act.

Hey, why did the chicken
cross your road?

Double sambuca.
He didn't get the start right.

What's the set-up?

Why did the chicken cross your road?
I've had tequila, fuck off!

Can I say something now?
I've not been this pissed since

a stag do in Berlin, 2009.

Guess the time?
What?

7.25.
The night's young.

Come on, let's have another tequila.
Come on.

(CROWD CHEERING)

'This week we're delving into the
glamourous world of drag culture.

So far we've been to see a show...

Are we ready for the finale?

..with the one and only Alan Carr
as our guide.'

So, guys, what did you think
of the drag show?

Out of everything we've ever done,
this is the most suited one to me.

'Now we've just got a few weeks to
discover our female alter egos

before we step on stage to do our
very own drag show.'

Off to drag boot camp.

Excited?
-How are you feeling about it?
-Good.

Gotta put the effort in, haven't we?

What kind of woman do you reckon
you'd be if you was born a woman?

I just can't imagine a woman
that looked like me.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know what I mean?
I know, but... What a tragic...

Yeah, but that's only funny because
you've got a massive beard.

No, I'm talking about my face.
Look at my face.

Imagine it without the beard.
A woman that looks like this.

Nightmare. When you're shagging, you
don't know if she's looking at you

or the clock next to the bed.
That's OK,

that you're talking
about yourself as a woman.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I don't know the rules.

It's like cancelling inception,
this.

(BOTH LAUGH)

"It got cancelled." "What for?"
"Being sexist." "About who?"

"Himself."
(BOTH LAUGH)

'Alan had arranged for us to spend
the afternoon transforming ourselves

into women. And there were some
familiar faces waiting to help us.'

Nice to see you again.
How are you, lads?

Recovered from the show.
Have you recovered from the show?

Just about. We went for it,
didn't we? We loved it.

That was unbelievable.
We have got everything you need

to become an amazing,
amazing drag queen.

I would quite like to be sexy.

Well... That's what I'm here for.
I'm not bloody Paul Daniels.

(BOTH LAUGH)
-You wanna be sexy?
-Yeah.

We want that for each other as well.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.

Can you get him an arse.
Like this one, look.

-Oh, look at that.
-I would really
love... His little face.

You know what? I would love some
junk in my trunk.

'Before we could get to work on our
bodies though, the beards had to go.'

It's a good razor as well cos I
shave my minge with that.

OK, that's good to know.

Look, let's be honest here.
I'm an all right looking bloke,

but I think maybe as a drag queen
I could be really sexy.

Look at that.

I wanna stop traffic.

And I think as a drag queen I could.

And I'll take for whatever reason
that traffic has stopped.

I'll just pretend it's sexy,
even if they are horrified.

That's horrible.
I like it.

No, that's horrible.
It's horrible, innit?

Have you seen Rob's doing
an Eighties' sitcom?

Are you gonna shave your beard?
Absolutely not.

No?
Oh, come on.

I want to be a drag queen
that has a beard.

And I'm happy to oil it,
I'm happy to colour it,

I'm happy to glitter it, whatever
you need to do to accessorise it,

but it's not coming off.

'But there was no way I was gonna let
Rom off that easily.'

Come on.
I look awful without a beard.

But you're gonna have makeup on.
You'll look great. You can do it.

You'll look more feminine.

It all depends on how dedicated
you wanna be.

I'll just put it there and see
what you decide to do.

It's up to you, mate.

-Are you doing it?
-Yeah, go on.
See, what did I say?

Oh!
(ALL LAUGH)

-Oh, shit.
-You've started now.
You've got to do it now.

Oh, my God.

This is what you call commitment.
Wow.

How long has this beard been on?
I really regret this.

(LAUGHS) It's such a long goatee.

Oh.

(ALL LAUGH)

God, I look horrible.
Your top lip's so big.

Why's that bit so long?

You literally look 20 years younger.

-Unrecognisable.
-You look like
Milhouse from the Simpsons.

I should not have done this.

It seems that Romesh has been
replaced with an IT professional.

How long have you been
a genius at Apple?

(INDIAN ACCENT) You are using the
wrong version of Microsoft Word.

'Rom was obviously shaken
by his shaving experience,

so I thought a call to his wife might
give him a much needed boost.'

"Hello, are you all right?"
I'm filming with your lovely husband.

Can we just show you him quickly?

"Oh, my God!"

"Oh, my God!"
Do you like him clean-shaven?

"Erm, he looks younger."
He's finished now.

"Oh, my God."
I'll get a bit closer.

"I look forward to seeing you
later with it."

What do you think? It'll be easy
on your thighs, won't it?

(LAUGHS)
I'm joking. That was a joke.

Lisa, that was a joke. Sorry,
I love you.

Sorry about him, Lisa.
"That's all right."Bye.

Love you, love you, love you.
Love you. Sorry.

'I'd hardly recovered from the
trauma of seeing my beardless face

and now it was time to start the
mother of all glow-ups.'

You look like an alien.
This cannot be right.

'I was starting to shape up OK,

but Rob's road to sexy
looked bumpy at best.'

I feel like I look sad.

'After over two hours in the makeup
chair, we had new faces.'

Well, boys, your makeup's set,
you're looking a bit better.

'Now we needed bodies to match.'

So we're gonna make you voluptuous.
We're gonna give you hips and tits

-and curves.
-Arse.
I want an arse.

You're gonna be a Kardashian.
Do you want a sneak peak

of what's gonna happen to your body?
-Go on.OK.
-Right, so...

-that.
-And you've tucked?
Yeah. Well, in America,

queens like to use duct tape,
and that's like heavy salad,

-so I don't do that.
-I think I might
tuck it and pull up the knickers

tight. I don't really wanna masking
-tape my knob.
-I heard you say,

"I don't really wanna masking tape
my knob."Yeah.

That's incredible, but OK.

'I've got to admit, the prospect of
the tuck was filling me with dread.

But Rob wasn't messing about.'

Is this right?

-Is that right?
-That looks lovely.
It looks nice and flat.

Are you sure there was anything down
there to start with?

The tucking was hard work. I've got
an average to small penis and balls,

but they will slip out.

'I'd lost my beard and now I'd done
the tuck.

Things could only get better
from here.'

Right, have a look if you've got a
bum. Have you got a bum?

Oh, hello.

Have you got a bum?

It feels so amazing to have an arse.

Now, honestly, is the white showing
through at all?

Ready?
Yeah.

(GRUNTS) Oh, fuck!

Imagine you're in Downton Abbey
or something.

(CACKLES)
You sound like the cow from
Sesame Street.

'There was no doubt we were getting
curvier,

but something was still missing.'

Oh, lovely.
Can I try one of these ones?

These feel incredible.

Jump up and down, wobble them.

That's mental.

-That felt weird.
-Do both of them.
No, I don't like it.

They feel like they're yours.
The problem is, they feel nice.

They feel very different
to what I thought they would.

(LAUGHS)

Right, this is childish. What's next?

Shall we get you into your outfits?
Yeah, please. Yeah.

We need to move on from this stage
quickly.

Just put your legs in.

(LAUGHS)

You look so inflexible.

It looks like he's going to a
Butlin's Seventies weekender.

Oh, yeah, she a big girl.

(LAUGHS)

It's such a mum's dress, isn't it?

You look like an old mum.

Robbie!
(LAUGHS)

Oh, my God.
-How is it?
-You look incredible.

You look a bit like
you've seen an accident.

I just don't know how to take that.

Ooh!
(ALL LAUGH)

A Seventies' look. You look like
you're on Stars In Their Eyes.

-I feel great.
-Yeah?
Yeah, really good.

It's a full transformation.
I can't believe how...

I know it's a cliche, but you just
feel like you're looking at someone

completely different, it's mad.
Yeah.

Oh, that's it. Go on,
give us a bit of sass.

How good does his legs look,
-and his bum?
-Yeah.

Your arse and legs look great, Rom.

Oh, oh, oh!

Look at the way you're moving.
I'm gonna tell you something.

I love this.

(LAUGHS)

That's the one.
I got overexcited.

That's the one, innit?
Oh, yeah, this is it.

Thank you, thank you.

'Rom had nailed his outfit.
He looked classy.

But I wanted sexy.'

I think this little number first.
-This one?
-Let's try that.

Especially with the tits. You wanna
-show them tits off.
-Exactly.

I think you need to undo that
a little bit.

She's got it, she's got it.

Oh, God, that's...

That's quite nice, isn't it?
(ALL LAUGH)

Maybe with a wig, maybe with a wig.
With a wig, yeah.

You're not confident?
Oh, my God!

You look like Hagrid's sexy sister.

Are you feeling it? Do you feel
-sexy?
-I feel pretty sexy.

I feel like it's a nice...
-I think you can get sexier.
-Rob,

I think take it off.

Too much? Pull that up a bit?
It's not the one.

When we came in to today, Rob and I
had this ambition of being sexy.

I think Rob thinks
he achieved that goal.

And we all know that he didn't.

I think we need to pull it...
Hang on.

(ALL LAUGH)

And give it a little shake,
-like that.Is that right?
-Yeah.

Can we acknowledge the elephant in
the room, and that was that Rob

looked terrifying
in every single outfit.

I think we're getting somewhere.

I'm standing there watching, and The
Vivienne and Baga Chipz are going,

"Oh, you look great." What?!

The outfit covers everything,
the outfit's good.

There's something happening there.
Yeah.

He looks...(LAUGHS)

..awful. Horrible.

So horrible.

-Better or worse?
-Blonde's definitely
better than red for you.

I felt like I had it. I don't know
what I had but I had it.

I had something. I'd stop traffic.

If you was in a car,
would you stop and have a look?

Do you reckon it's better for me
to smile than not smile?

Try smiling.

Try serious.

Try pout.

Try sort of angry sexy.

I'm happy that he's found his sexy.

It's just his sexy is
something for us all

to have nightmares about later.

I think we've found her.

We need to try and lose her again,
that's the problem.(LAUGHS)

I like her.

Yeah, it's really nice.

Love it.
A successful day, ladies.

-Yeah, thank you so much.
-I feel you
look like a madam at a brothel.

Oh, right, yeah.
And I'm her best worker.

There you go, that'd be perfect.

Can you imagine.
Let me show you my best girl.

I'm here, boys. Come here.

'Rom and I have tucked...

Are you sure
there's anything down there?

..and squeezed
our way into the drag world.'

Oh!
Brace yourself.

'Under the expert eye of our drag
guru Alan Carr...

Come with me.
Don't be scared, come on.

..we're preparing to take to the
stage for our own drag show.'

(LAUGHS)
That's the one!

'And with just two weeks to go,
we've still got a lot to learn.

Today Alan's arranged for us to meet
a fellow judge on RuPaul's Drag Race,

the iconic Michelle Visage.'

Hi.
-Hello.
-Hiya.

-I'm Romesh.
-How are you fellas?
Lovely to meet you. I'm Rob.

'Who better then...'
We need proper help here.

Yeah, you do.

'..to help us get ready for our
performances.'

The magic of drag is, I don't know
if you've experienced this,

have you done the wig and everything
-else?Yeah.
-Mmm.

When straight guys, heterosexual,
"allegedly", get into drag,

and they look at themselves,
something comes out.

Something always comes out.

Rom, when you were in drag, were you
surprised at what you felt?

There was something, but I felt
like...

If you'd say to me, now you've got
to take that onto stage,

that would've been game over.
-You think?
-Yeah.

I think you're cutting yourself
short.

I think what you're doing is
limiting yourself by thinking,

how am I gonna bring my stand-up
persona into this drag artistry?

Yeah.
Did you tuck?

Er, I attempted to tuck. It proved
to be surplus to requirements.

I didn't use masking tape,
but the pants were so tight

there was almost like a
semi-assisted tuck.

You had like a gaff?
What's a gaff?

What's a gaff?
Is a tucking pantie.

-Right.
-And it keeps everything in
-place.
-I think that's what we had.

We had gaffs.
Did the sausage go in the bap?

Erm...
-What's a sausage?
-I'm vegan.

OK. Did the tofu sausage
go in the roll?

Do you have to put it in your bum?

It goes between the cheeks,
doesn't it?

Mine's not long...

Mine doesn't get that far back.
(LAUGHS)

There's a massive problem there.

That problem is I don't think mine
could even see the cheeks.

How did you...?I popped the balls
in, squeezed the dick down,

and then pulled the pants up.
Squeezed it down to where?

-It's not an accordion.
-Smooshed it.
Smooshed it into...

OK, no.

So what happens is, the grapes go
up...

The grapes go up inside.
I popped them in.

How did that feel?
That was quite exhilarating.

Was it? OK.
It felt like they shouldn't be there.

It felt like putting Maltesers up
-your nose.
-Yes! Good analogy.

And that's kind of from whence they
came.

So they're going back to the way God
-intended.
-They popped out of there,

so pop 'em back in and get to work.

Right. But have you
walked in heels yet?

We wore some as we stood,
we've not properly walked in them.

We put some on with the outfits, but,
yeah, we need to learn how to strut.

'Yes, it was shoes off...
Come on, boys.

..and high heels on.'

Wow.

'It was time to hit the runway
for our very own drag race.'

So, let's try bringing a bit of your
mom into this.

Ready? Here we go. Three, two, one.

Oh, she's a proper lady.
She is, isn't she?

Hi, everybody.
Hi, darling.

Hi.

Romesh is such a disappointment.
(LAUGHS)

Can you shake your hips a little?

Yep.
Oh!

There she is.
Whoo!

Come on back, come on back
with that. Ready?

Give us that hip shake. Here we go.
Three, two, one.

Yeah!

Look at that.
OK.

Go on.
Now we see her.

How's that?
Turn around. Ooh!

A little bit of junk in the trunk.
(LAUGHS)

Junk in the trunk, yeah!

There she is.
Pow! Pow!

-Pow!
-Pow!
Yes!

Great. Good job.
Thank you.

'Rom had set the bar high...

-It felt great.
-Should we see Rob?
Let's see Rob. Come on.

..and now it was my turn...

No pressure.
OK.

..to channel my inner diva.'

She smokes, doesn't she?
If you wanna be a smoker...

Menthols.
Oh, wow.

Is she from, like, the 1800s,
or is she current?(SNIGGERS)

She's 73.

She's 73. Wow!

Rob, can I just stop you a sec? Are
you saying that you're drag queen

is 73 years old?

Are you committing to that now?
-She looks good for it, though.
-OK.

All right, three, two, one.
Let's go.

Tell me about it, stud. Come on.

Oh, she's got pep in her step.

It's difficult watching Rob learn
about drag because there's

a complete mismatch of how he looks
with how he thinks he looks.

OK.

He had a lot of cod liver oil to be
walking like that at 73.

(LAUGHS)

I'm trying to figure out what the
best thing to do, as a mate, is.

To encourage him and continue to
support him with how it's going.

Oh, wow.

Or at some point just to sort of
take him to one side and say,

"Just so you know, you do look like
something out of a horror film."

Well done.
Have I just been sexy?

Really sexy.
-So hot.
-Yeah.

Our confidence is up now, I'd say,
Rom. Are you feeling confident?

Sky high, mate.
Good.

-Yes!
-Good luck.
-I feel so sexy.Pow!
-You are sexy.

You are my number one girl.

(LAUGHS)

'Rob was buzzing.

But walking in high heels
a drag queen does not make.

And we were still missing a major
piece of the puzzle.'

We're on the road to getting the
right look and getting the attitude

sorted out. What we don't have is
any content whatsoever.

'So to teach us our routines,

Alan hooked us up
with some of his friends.

Rob was paired up with his
drag mother Dolly Trolley.'

-Hello.
-Hello, darling.
I need help.

'And I was with the sassy
Cara Melle.'

-Hello.
-Cutie.
Hello, how are you?

I feel weirdly more confident

when we have on all the makeup
and the clothes.

Just doing it dressed just like I'm
going for a run feels a bit more...

-it's a bit more nervy.
-Yeah, as if
this makes it more sensible.

I know, it's mad, innit? D'you know
what'd make this easier?

If I had a full face of makeup on
and a dress.

'So before we could learn our
routines...

OK, I'm ready. That's all right,
isn't it?

..we got into character by finding
our inner queens.'

I look like the head of the Asian
Metallica fan club.'

Oh, she's gorgeous.

Oh, there we go. She's ready for the
-night club.
-That's better, innit?

Yeah.

This isn't drag, is it? Look at me.

I look like I've just come out of the
toilets at Gatwick on a stag do.

Oh, we've got the wig and some shoes.

Lovely. Shall we have a strut to
-Madonna.
-Yeah, why not?

Let's do it.
If this ain't the time, when is it?

♪ Come on, girls

♪ Do you believe in love?!

Rob's screwed. He's got
no musical ability whatsoever.

Here we go. Slow.

♪ MADONNA: "Vogue"

Quick, quick, quick, quick...

So in terms of him
having to do something to music

while dressed as a woman...

(LAUGHS)

..he's done.

Lovely!
That was all right.

To be honest...
Yeah?

..I don't think we're gonna make you
too dancey.

'And if Rob wasn't gonna be
too dancey,

what was expected of me
seemed to be the exact opposite.

Done!

OK, and there's absolutely no...
(LAUGHS)

There's absolutely no way
I'm gonna be able to do any of that.

-That was amazing.
-Thank you.
That was really good.

-I know, right?
-How long did it take
you to put that together?

Oh, honey, it would take me
like a day.

Honey,

I'm gonna take this spirit,
this talent, and throw it in ya.

I hope you receive it.

Let's go.

Come on.

♪ This ain't gonna be easy... ♪

'Yep, Cara was a mean taskmaster.'

Let's go.

'And if I was gonna have to learn
a new routine...

Fuck!

..I had my work cut out.'

And if you can, look at your booty.

And then whip!

Huh-huh-huh!

And then down, up.

Come on!
I'm not gonna be able to do that.

All right, then do... Yep, yep.

Anything that requires getting up
off the floor,

going down to the floor,
any illusion I might have created

is smashed to pieces.

I mean, come on.
Because I can't get up gracefully.

I watched Cara do it.
She's, bang, straight up.

If I do it, it's like I'm getting up
from having a fall.

Get up!

Up, up! Come on!

Hold that booty out. Bring it down
low. Now shake it.

If you stick your tongue out,
sometimes it helps.

Now spin.

Yes!
Oh, fuckin' hell.

Oh, no, she's tired.
Oh, no, I'm dizzy.

Uh-oh.
Holy shit.

Medic!
Oh, God.

'But if our dancing wasn't bad
enough,

we were also going to have
to lip-sync.'

My instinct just tells me, go out
there, and if I keep going

"I'm every woman",
and just go mental,

I reckon I can drag it through
with energy.

As long as I know
the "I'm every woman" bit,

that's the main bit of the song,
innit?

(SINGS ALONG) I'm every woman

♪ It's all it needs

♪ La, la, la, la, la...

When I look in the mirror,

I just... I see half an act.

♪ I'm every woman

♪ It's only me...

I just don't know where the other
half is

and I don't know if I will find it.

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's quite good, innit?

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa! ♪

Really good.
Yeah. I mean, look, let's face facts.

It was out of time, I don't know any
of the words,

and I was late to certain points
of that quite dramatically.

Well, I'm bang in trouble, aren't I?

We all know that.
Do you know how I know that?

Normally when we film this there's
a bit of laughter with the crew.

Silence. Just a worrying dread.

I'm in so much trouble.

'It turns out lip-syncing
isn't as easy as I thought.

And back in the other room...'

♪ My love is here to stay

♪ Hey!

'Lip-syncing wasn't a problem
for me,

but my dance routine
definitely was.'

♪ My anaconda don't want none
unless you got buns, hun... ♪

Cara is such an incredible dancer.

Oh, shit!

And I am so incredibly shit at
dancing.

There's one move in particular
where I've got to sort of sexily

slink to the ground into kind of a
pussycat wanting to fuck position,

it's the best way to describe it.

I can't do it without looking like
I'm gonna cry.

I've managed to take the light out
of her eyes

with my complete inability
to work my ass.

OK.

Um... (LAUGHS)

That was cute. I forgot the music
stopped for a second.

I was just so in a trance...
(LAUGHS)

..by your floor work.
(CLEARS THROAT)

I am very, very, very, very,
very far

from where I wanted and
expected to be at this stage.

♪ PSY: "Gangham Style"

I've done a shitload of training,

and I am nowhere near
where I need to be.

So between now and the performance,

I'm gonna have to work my ass off.

That was your ending, sweetheart.
Thank you.

'Romesh and I are in Brighton

for what promises to be
a night we'll never forget.'

I'm scared now.
I'm very scared.

'In just a few hours' time,
we'll be transformed

and taken to the stage
like never before.'

I'm looking forward to being
a sexy bitch.

Ooh!

'But after strutting our stuff in
rehearsals...'

-To be honest... Yeah.
-I don't think
I'm gonna make you too dancey.

'Or at least trying to.'

Yes.
Oh, fuckin' hell.

'Confidence wasn't exactly
riding high.'

I mean, the worst that could happen
is I go on stage

and I'm in drag, I do something
controversial, I get cancelled,

and then it gets in the paper,
my tour's pulled,

I get dropped by my agent, my wife
hears about it, she leaves me,

we get divorced, I lose all my money,
lose the house, don't see the kids,

and then I'm just on the jungle
eating ostrich bollocks.

Maybe I'm spiralling, maybe that's
the truth, but we'll find out.

Welcome to
Proud Cabaret's Drag Brunch!

Shall we get this show on the road?!

'Rob and I were booked to be
the finale in one of Brighton's

most renowned drag shows.

And we'd be performing out lip sync
routines alongside some of

the best acts in the business.

If that wasn't intimidating enough,

Alan had turned up
to see how we got on.'

People who come to drag shows
expect a certain standard.

They wanna be entertained.
Don't let drag down.

Be drag, don't be drab.

I thought that up just now.

Clap those hands!

'To top it all off, Alan had also
invited drag queen royalty.

The Vivienne and Baga Chipz.'

I cannot wait to see the boys.
Well, girls today.

We've shown them how to do it,
we've given them the tools,

now let's see
if they can pull it off.

'But as the performance crept
closer,

the nerves were starting to show.'

I just want us to not humiliate
ourselves.

Also, when have we ever been good at
-anything?
-True. A good point.

'The only saving grace was my beard
was back,

and this time it was staying put.
I was going all out bearded queen.'

I'm intrigued to see what they look
like as women.

They might be stunning. Or they
might be munters, we don't know.

'So, after nearly four hours
in the makeup chair,

our transformations were finally
complete.

I was going to be first on stage,
and seeing the audience

made me realise how massively
unprepared I was.'

Welcome back!

'But I couldn't turn around now.'

My goodness, please welcome
to the stage Rusty Beaver!

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Thank you, everyone. Thank you.

Who's ready for Rusty?!
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Hit it!

♪ CHAKA KHAN: "I'm Every Woman"

♪ I'm every woman

♪ It's all in me

♪ Anything you want done, baby

♪ I'll do it naturally...

'So I had to give it to him,
Rob looked incredible.

And he was great at belting out
the chorus to I'm Every Woman.

But to be honest, the rest of the
lyrics were hit and miss.'

♪ I can read your thoughts right now

♪ Every one from A to Z

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa

♪ I can cast a spell...

'Halfway through
and my lack of rehearsals

didn't seem to be spoiling the show.

And whilst I might have
forgotten a word or two,

I don't think anyone had noticed.'

♪ Then instantly

♪ I will appear

♪ Cos I'm every woman

♪ It's all in me

♪ Anything you want done, baby

♪ I'll do it, naturally

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa...

'Amazingly though, even with Rob's
dodgy lip syncing,

the audience clearly couldn't get
enough of him.'

♪ I'm every woman

♪ I'm every woman

♪ I'm every woman! ♪

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you. Thank you.

Who's ready for Ruby?

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

I only met Ruby earlier on today.

But I feel like I've known her
all my life.

Ladies and gentleman, it's been a
pleasure. But welcome to the stage,

Miss Ruby Banganathan!

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

(INDIAN ACCENT)
I am Ruby Banganathan.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

It is an absolute fuckin' pleasure
to see you all, it really is.

We are about to rip shit up.

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

(MUSIC INTRO)

♪ Ooh!

♪ Cos your love is real now

♪ Cos your love is my love

♪ And my love is your love

♪ My love is here to stay

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah!

♪ Ooh! ♪

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

♪ My anaconda don't,
my anaconda don't want none

♪ Unless you've got buns, hon...
(BELL RINGS)

(MUSIC INTRO)

♪ Uh, let's go to the beach, each

♪ Let's go get a wave,
they say what they gonna say

♪ Have a drink, clink,
found the Bud Light

♪ Bad bitches like me
is hard to come by

♪ The patron-on? Let's go get it on

♪ The zone-one? Yes, I'm in the zone

♪ Is it two, three? Leave a good tip

♪ I'mma blow all of my money
and don't give two shits

♪ I'm on the floor, floor

♪ I love to dance

♪ So give me more, more

♪ Till I can't stand

♪ Get on the floor, floor

♪ Like it's your last chance

♪ If you want more, more

♪ Then here I am

♪ Starships were meant to fly

♪ Hands up and touch the sky

♪ Let's do this one last time

♪ Can't stop

♪ We're higher than... ♪

♪ PSY: Gangnam Style

(MUSIC ENDS)
(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

She smashed it! She smashed it.

I told you I was gonna rip shit up!

(WHISTLING AND CHEERING)

Thank you very much.

Boys, that was so good.
Oh, thank you, Alan.

It was amazing.

Cos you were lip syncing
to a Chaka Khan classic,

but it wasn't the one that was
coming out the speakers.

(ALL LAUGH)

What was...

I thought I knew the lyrics
until I heard them.

What I thought I knew
weren't what it was.

Have you ever seen a lip sync where
they ask the crowd to sing along

cos they haven't got a clue?

You know what?
You've absolutely killed it.

Considering you're two straight,
butch lads,

a bit like me and Baga,

getting up there in front of all
these people,

amongst drag queens who've
been doing it for years,

you've absolutely excelled
yourselves. I'm gonna cry.

Bless you. Thank you.

Do you know what?
I got really emotional,

cos when you were on stage, it was a
proper drag show. You should be

over the moon, and when you revealed
the bad boys,

the Mitchell Brothers,

I creamed my knickers, I really did.
-It was amazing.
-They're outrageous.

And can I just say with the squats.
-Less is more.
-Yeah.

You've gotta remember, food was
being served as you were doing that.

This poor woman, she picked up this
canape, put it down,

picked it up.
(ALL LAUGH)

It was like, you know,
come on, love.

Hey, what do you think?
Do you know what?

I've never done a gig before when
the crowd go mental like that.

That felt like being in a band,
or a DJ.

You should come and see one of my
tours, man.(LAUGHS)

Yeah, I bet they react to that, some
of your wry lines about marriage.

(LAUGHS)

Now we've done it, how do you feel
about drag?

Honestly? I love it.

I properly love it.

Actually, I would do it again.

Yeah, and it's no different to, like,
middle-aged men,

they get loads of Lycra and
go cycling.

I would say, I would say Lisa would
be more comfortable with me

taking this on than start cycling.
Yeah.100 percent.

-It's a new hobby of ours.
-Yeah, it's
a thing that Rob and I do together.

We thought it was gonna be golf,
turns out it's drag.

Who knew?
Yeah.

-And it's actually less closed.
-It's a
surprise to us but we're loving it.

Oh, I couldn't have done that
without you, though.

I couldn't either.
Come on, babe, let's go.

Come on. Come on, Rubes.

You really are a nasty bitch,
aren't you?(LAUGHS)

♪ LIZZO: "Good as Hell"

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