Original subtitles

The following programme contains strong language and adult humour.

Ten years ago, Rob Beckett and I met on the comedy circuit,

and we've been friends ever since.

I think we complement each other. He's sad, I'm happy.

He'll always smile about things.

It's just a shame that that smile is so punchable.

(LAUGHS)

Now, we're putting our friendship to the test...

Why are we in this vehicle? Bigger the better.

..as we travel the world together...

I'm gonna get out of here and smack -your arse with this. -Get out, then.

..to meet some of the greatest athletes on the planet.

(LAUGHTER)

..as well as some of the biggest stars...

Hello!

..from the world of music and entertainment.

(LAUGHTER)

So far in this series...

Oh, God! (LAUGHTER)

..we've been pushed to our limits...

I'm more nervous now than I was my first ever gig.

'We've gone toe to toe with the NFL,

trained to take on the world's fastest man...'

Jesus Christ!

'And exposed ourselves in New York City.'

Look at my tits.

'This week, back in London, we had an experience

that was, once again, going to push us out of our comfort zone.

We were on a mission to see if we could master the art of the superstar DJ.

CHASE I make hits not the public

I tell the DJs what to play Understand? ♪

'Let's be clear about this from the start,

neither of us have any experience DJing whatsoever.

But given the rise of the superstar DJ of the past 20 years,

we thought there might be room for us to branch out.'

It's just playing other people's music, innit?

DJs now are megastars.

They are the richest...

They're like the rock 'n' roll, like, The Rolling Stones when rock 'n' roll was huge and mega... Yeah.

..and it was crazy private jets and groupies and drinking and partying.

That's what a DJ is.

Our clubbing life, if you like... Mmm.

..has been due in the time that DJs

have gone from being in the background

to becoming megastars. Yeah.

Fat Boy Slim.

He was the big DJ of our time. Weren't he?

He was. He's the one everyone went mad for.

(CHUCKLES) Why you laughing?

Some people who are watching this are thinking fucking "Fat Boy Slim"?

(BOTH LAUGH) How old is he?

Got their fingers on the pulse. Oh, yeah.

'With our knowledge of DJs firmly stuck in the '90s,

we needed someone to bring us up to speed.'

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

'So, with the help of superstar DJ Jonas Blue

we will be put through our paces

before going on to perform a headline set

at one of the capital's top nightclubs.

(CROWD CHEERING)

(MUSIC MIX INTRO) CHASE

♪ Baa baa black sheep rock star rap G

♪ Make enough dough to own a black card that's deep

♪ The only thing that's bigger...

When was the last time you went on a night out? To a club with a DJ.

Fifteen years ago.

♪ Don't say that I didn't ever warn ya...

DJs, for me, have been a gateway to more beer.

So you need something to drink?

Yeah. But you don't give a shit about the music.

♪ Don't make me have to show ya...

I'd never really liked gigs for music or DJs,

cos I liked going to a pub. I don't really like music.

Superstar DJs is not my world. No.

I've got absolutely no respect for it whatsoever. It's not an art.

They take a USB, they plug it in,

it's already been done as far as I'm concerned.

They don't all do that, do they?

How do you know?

I don't, to be fair. They could do.

'It was clear we had a lot to learn.'

'Luckily, we were off to see Jonas Blue

at the house the USB built.'

What a gaff he's got.

I know. It's nearly half the size of mine.

Come on, mate. Have a day off. (LAUGHS)

Ah, here. I'm a bit nervous about this.

Don't be nervous, mate.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Hello, mate. Yes. Hello, mate. How are you?

Hello. Rob. Nice to meet you.

I'm Jonas. You all right? You good?

Yes. We are ready to, well, mix. Learn how to DJ.

-Ready? -Yes. You look ready.

Ready for a lesson. What I'm gonna do is,

before we start this,

I want you to go out tonight. OK

Go and explore what the clubs have to offer.

Be ravers for the night. See what they all want, and enjoy it.

And then come back and I'm gonna teach you how to DJ.

So do the homework... Then learn how to be a DJ.

Have you double booked Joel Dommett and Nish Kumar?

(LAUGHING) I'm busy tonight. (ROB LAUGHS)

You can go on my tour bus... On your tour bus?

Otherwise you're gonna waste -my time. -OK.

Do that and come back, and then we'll get into it, so...

Would have appreciated that over text, rather than coming all the way to Essex.

-But not a problem. -Sorry. -Nice to meet you. -Don't drink.

Too many drinks. We'll be...

We won't. We'll be good. Professional?

We'll learn and do our homework. -Yeah. -Cheers, mate.

I'll see ya later. -Good. -Yeah.

Fucking piss-take.

I've come to Ongar.

I've come to Essex... I know.

..to be sent off on a bus. (EXHALES)

However, as it turned out,

his bus was somewhat of an upgrade from the 273 I get

from Petts Wood to Lewisham. What a journey that is!

We're gonna roll up in a tour bus like absolute dons...

Yeah. ..then we're gonna go in,

get given wristbands... I can't wait to do this to a bouncer.

Read that, dickhead. 'Ey, 'ey, 'ey!

I'm in, you prick.

Also, is it sad that just two middle-aged men

get off a bus, and no one else.

It's one of the most tragic things ever.

It's an overblown form of transport. -We don't need this much space. -No.

I don't even know the driver's name.

'Not only had Jonas lent us his bus, but he'd organised meet-and-greets

with some of the world's biggest DJs.'

What do you reckon he's getting mileage-wise out of this?

Do they still have cloakrooms? Clubs?

Are you gonna dance at the clubs?

I don't really dance.

'As we arrived back in London,

it was time for the first leg of Jonas' tour...'

(DANCE MUSIC INTRO)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Yes. Oh, mate.

Driven backstage into Wembley.

(BOTH LAUGH)

This is quality. You know what I mean?

'..where the undisputed king of drum and bass, Andy C,

was finalising his sound check ahead of tonight's performance.

(MUSIC REVERBERATES THROUGH VENUE)

That sound check, it definitely works, doesn't it, the sound?

When I first arrived, I was like, "Ah, I could be here all night."

And then, about two minutes in, I was like, "That's too much."

Yeah. I don't know. I feel like it's pumping through me.

The atmosphere in here is gonna be ridiculous.

Also, I've just found out he's playing a five-hour set.

Kinda like Wimbledon drum and bass.

Hello, mate. Lovely to meet you.

You all right? Andy, lovely to meet you.

Thank you so much for having us. My pleasure. Thanks for coming down.

This is amazing. This is dreamland.

I was stood up the back looking at it,

trying to soak up the moment and all the build-up that goes with it.

When this has 12,000 people in it.

It's awesome. The sound is really good.

How much of the five hours is mapped out in your head?

I know what I wanna play at the beginning, but I look in the crowd.

So if you see somebody over there

he's liking, enjoying an emotional tune,

or somebody's got their heads down and they like the stompers,

you think, "OK. In ten tunes' time I'm gonna give you a little section,

and then you just get in this flow and you pick up audience members.

Do you think that,

superstar DJs have become a thing in the last ten, 15 years,

have you noticed a difference in the way the DJs are treated and revered?

From a technical standpoint, D

so, you know, I don't know.

Some people stand up there and just push 'play' and jump around.

Are there people robbing a living just putting on already mixed CDs.

I would not like to suggest that that's the case.

Would you be surprised if you found out they were?

Nnno.

Look, congratulations. Thanks a lot.

Good luck, man. Well done.

-Lovely to meet ya. -Ooh! (ALL LAUGH)

(LAUGHING) Cheers, mate.

Now, looking forward to the gig, but with plenty of time to kill,

we had time to take stock of what we just learned.

♪ OL' DIRTY BASTARD: Shimmy Shimmy Ya

(LAUGHTER) Oh, shit!

Right.

(ROB LAUGHS)

That's how you pour it!

-Oh! -Cheers, mate. Cheers.

I'm absolutely loving this. Right?

Basically, I turned up thinking we were gonna get a DJ lesson.

I've told Lou I'm out working, he's sent us out on a night out!

It's unbelievable.

(MUSIC STARTS, AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(MUSIC INTRO BUILDING UP)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER MIC)

(CHEERING, AIR HORNS BLASTING)

Heads up!

Oggy Oggy Oggy!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(TURBO BASS MUSIC PLAYING)

This has been a long time in the making, people.

(MUSIC TEMPO SLOWS)

Tonight is for all of you lot who are representing turbo bass.

Hands up in the air and jump with us.

Let's go! (AUDIENCE CHEERING)

You're in Wembley Arena, baby. Let's do it!

(MUSIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(MUSIC PLAYING) Let's go, gangstas.

(TURBO BASS PLAYING) Blow!

(BASSLINE, MUSIC DROP)

Let's go gangstas Blow!

(CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

Scatter!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC DROP)

Let's show Wembley something it's never seen before!

Everybody inside the place, from the front to the back,

let's go!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

JUMP UP!

(TECHNO STYLE MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(MUSIC PLAYING IN DISTANCE)

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!

That is insane!

Wow! I love Drum And Bass.

(CHUCKLES) I love it now.

I never knew I did. That was insane.

I genuinely haven't seen a reaction from a crowd like that.

(LOUD BANG) Ohh.

I could- I couldn't re... I couldn't cope.

I'm having the time of my life.

Got a new hobby. Romesh is happy. Loving it!

Go on tour bus, few more drinks, night out.

Technically "work".

Cast-iron alibi in the morning. I've never felt better.

When he came out,

and the music dropped,

and I looked out,

like, what an amazing thing to be on the stage to see that.

I've got two more clubs and two more DJs to go and see.

You know what I say to that? Light 'em up. I'm ready for 'em.

(CLAPS HANDS)

Great. (LAUGHS)

It's so cool.

ROB: Back in London and back on the bus...

..we were trying to soak up as much knowledge as we could

about the world of the superstar DJ.

And having left Andy C with his devoted followers,

we were on our way to Jonas' next stop.

And we knew, if we were truly going to transform ourselves

into the masters of the wills of steel,

we had to take this opportunity seriously.

(LAUGHS)

Go away, Robbie!

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

♪ VENGABOYS: We Like To Party! I gotta dance to this one.

LOVE IT!

(LAUGHS)

This is the place to be.

You're battered.

I don't even know if I'm gonna go home tonight.

(LAUGHS)

I am ready for the next one.

And soon enough, it was time for the next one...

♪ CYPRESS HILL: Insane In The Brain

..where we would meet, arguably, the biggest act in British dance:

Chase

We're at another club. We're in London Bridge.

I don't know what's going on. We're here to see Chase

I've just found out it's not one geezer.

It's under a railway arch which tells me all bets are off.

'Unfortunately, the night was taking its toll on Romesh.'

(LAUGHING) Oh, God!

'But was I going to let him ruin the best night of my life?"

No chance.

Do you need a motivational quote? Go on.

We've not come this far to only come this far. Yeah?

I don't know what it means,

but it gets loads of people watching it on YouTube.

'So with him taken care of,

it was time to meet our next case studies...'

Saul Chase

'..which went terribly.'

Do you... Do you... Do you...

Did your set have like a... I know that you have to be like...

I know what you're doing and all that.

It sounds just suddenly...

'So, having gained more valuable insight...'

It is late.

'..we headed inside to continue our learning experience.'

(DRUM AND BASS DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Can we all stop and give it up for Chase

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(AIR HORN BLAST)

(MUSIC DROP)

♪ Inten inten intentional

♪ Inten inten intentional...

(MUSIC SLOWS)

(CHEERING INTENSIFIES)

(DROPS NEW TRACK)

(SYNTHESISED MUSIC)

(DEEP BASSLINE)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

'Two clubs down, and having approached the evening

with the agreed level of professionalism,

Romesh was able to start painting a picture of

what made superstar DJs so unique.'

All you have to do is...that.

But they've got to do this...

(LAUGHS)

(ROB CONTINUES LAUGHING)

I feel quite awake now. How bad would it be if I went back in?

I think it'll be great for you... Yeah.

..and it'll be ideal for me.

Cos then I'll go home on the bus on my own.

I'm gonna go back in.

Great. I support you in that decision.

-I'm going in. -Go for it, mate. -I'm going back in. -Go for it.

Weirdly...against all odds,

this night finally got good.

I mean, I've had an absolute result.

I've had an absolute result.

I'm about to be on a bus home without Rob.

That wasn't even on the cards when it started.

The morning after the night before, we were back at Jonas' house.

We were here to report back on last night's field trip,

and begin preparations

for our own DJing debut.

Hello. You all right? -How's it going. -Nice to see you.

How you doing? How'd you get on?

Very tired. OK.

But it was good. Tell me about it.

He struggled. I was better than him.

Yeah, come through, lads. -Cheers, mate. -Yeah.

Tell me, how did it go?

Well, first couple of hours, great. Loved it.

We were having a really good time. OK.

But then, what happened is the night continued.

Right.

It would be better, if these gigs happened during the day.

(LAUGHS)

'For Rob, he hadn't just arrived with a hangover,

he'd found inspiration.'

What really got me into thinking about I like really wanted to be a DJ

is walking up the drive and seeing this gaff.

There's nothing about the art that he likes.

Oh, no. It's, essentially, your house.

-Yeah. -Right. Yeah. Cos I understand

that there's people obsessed with the craft and process,

and it's an art form how you do it, how- Shut up.

I wanna be the guy the industry -hates but earns all the money. -Yeah.

He's mastered that in comedy... (LAUGHS)

..so now he wants to do it -in a different area. -Yeah.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

'At this point, happy to latch onto any inkling of hope...'

Oh, my God!

'Jonas agreed to give us a whistle-stop tour of his gaff.

For inspirational purposes, of course.'

This is unbelievable! Ohh!

'Starting with the biggest telly I've ever seen.'

Was it true, though, that you wanted to be a DJ

after watching Club Reps? Yes.

Right. I'm obsessed with Club Reps, what series are you talking?

Er, it was Johnny. Johnny Hormone?

And Lee, who loved England? Yeah.

Why do you think you made it when so many other people haven't?

You've got to remember, I only got my first break at 25, 26 years old.

Right. I've been doing it since I was 11.

Every single day. All those days throughout school,

I was doing it every single day, and there was a lot of "nos".

Those were really tough years for me cos when you've got dozens of labels

telling you, "No, your music's not good enough",

there was a lot of the hard times I don't forget while sitting here.

This is the master bedroom where no magic...

No magic happens? Just functional...

Wanking's a type of magic, mate. (LAUGHS)

Functional, quick, to the point. (LAUGHTER)

Another cool thing in this room is this room,

which is something that I've always wanted, which is... Sex dungeon.

Yeah. ROB AND ROMESH: Oh, mate!

It's like something from a space ship.

This is a sickness, mate.

I'll be honest, mate. It's gone from real admiration...

It's a bit annoying now. I'm starting to get pissed off.

So not only have you got a pool, -you've got your name in it. -Yeah.

Is that saying that's your one? Yeah. Exactly.

Feeling inadequate, we called an end to the tour.

So we headed to the basement studio via the basement orchestra room.

Can either of you play the piano?

I've got fucking nothing in the locker, Jonas.

Really? None of you- I've got nothing...

I did used to learn the piano.

(PLAYS GENTLY MELODY)

Cinema. Cinema.

Walk-in wardrobe, playing the piano,

I want to sleep with you. Yeah.

Right now. I mean, that's the plan.

(ALL LAUGH)

'Finally, it was time to get down to business.'

(LAUGHING) This is so sick, man.

It's like the Starship Enterprise.

I don't know what any of this does, but I'm so impressed.

Can we get a lesson? Yeah.

'So after a swift tequila...'

Cheers. Cheers.

Here's to the, er, lesson.

Here's to... I like DJing.

'..it was time to cover the basics.'

So I'm gonna load two tunes. Yeah.

(MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

That one's playing... Yep.

..and the crowd are loving you and

you've got your top off and everything else.

But in the headphones,

you'll be preparing the second song which is gonna be...

(MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH HEADPHONES)

OK.

(MUSIC PLAYED THROUGH SPEAKERS)

'All we had to do was get from one track to the other, seamlessly.

As ably demonstrated by Jonas himself.'

(FIRST TRACK PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

(SECOND TRACK PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Oh, my days!

(LAUGHS) Mate!

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SYNTHESISED NOTE PLAYS)

♪ CUTTING CREW: (I Just) Died In Your Arms

(ROB AND ROMESH LAUGH)

(TURNS OFF MUSIC)

Mate! That's kind of like...

Fucking hell!

That was sick. Did you want another tequila?

If it makes me do THAT, yes. OK.

'Fired up and ready to go.

This master class was our chance to gain the skills we needed

to get us through playing a headline DJ set at a London nightclub.

Or, and not for the first time this series,

it was certain humiliation ahead.'

Go, Rom.

(REDUCES VOLUME)

No, no. Keep it up, keep it up.

(INCREASES VOLUME) Keep them both up.

You're not on Radio 2, mate.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(MUSIC DROP)

Aaah, m...

Was that good? Before I congratulate him?

Yes, Romesh! Yes!

Love it, mate.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

'Annoyingly, Romesh wasn't too bad.'

(TURNS OFF MUSIC)

'But now it was time to show them how it's really done.'

Right. So we're gonna go to the end of the song and I'll count you in.

Yeah. You... -Yeah? -Please.

Then all I have to do is press "play".

All you gotta do is press "play". Cool. All right, let's go.

(SONG PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

I'm giving it some now.

Then you tell me when to press play, yeah?

You'd be, like, hands up.

(DECREASES VOLUME) Blackwall Tunnel's shut!

(INCREASES VOLUME)

-Are you ready? -You gotta wait until tomorrow night by midnight to pay the Dartford Crossing charge.

(INCREASES VOLUME)

-Right. -I mean, by doing that you did kinda just miss your cue.

But we're coming again.

Where were you? You should... Sorry.

Hold on. Tell me when.

(MUSIC PLAYS THROUGH SPEAKERS)

Ready? Yeah.

(COUNTS TO BEAT) One, two,

one, two, three, four.

(PLAYS SECOND TRACK) Now bring it up.

No, no, no. Keep the bass up. OK.

(LOW BASS)

(INCREASES BASS)

No, no, keep it up. Keep it up as well?

What?

Why do you keep doing that?

All right. -Yes.Love it. -Yeah!

Is that it?

No idea what's happened, but everyone's looking at me funny!

(LAUGHTER)

Did I do it? Yes, Jonas!

Fucking LOVE DJing.

Right. I'll tell you what...

I like... (MUSIC DROP)

I'm so drunk.

(LAUGHS)

Do you know what? I love DJing.

I love DJing.

I love DJing. (LAUGHS)

I love Jonas Blue.

I love Rob Beckett.

Cheers.

We need more practise before we do a proper show.

Sure. Yeah.

You think that we might need more practise than the hour we've had here, before we do a set at a club?

Yeah, I do. OK.

That's what our focus should be. Interesting revelation.

I would agree with you. OK. Cool.

I'm so drunk. You've got to stop drinking tequila.

(LAUGHS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

ROB: 'Romesh and I were on a mission

to transform ourselves into superstar DJs.

We were now just days away from performing a headline set

at a top London nightclub.'

ROMESH: 'But, after hanging out with Jonas Blue,

I was starting to appreciate the complexity of what these guys did,

and things weren't looking promising.

So I'd come to Greenwich to have an emergency lesson

with one of hip hop's most legendary DJs.'

(HIP HOP SONG PLAYING)

DJ Yoda, essentially, is like... I'm not overstating it

saying he's one of my heroes when it comes to this.

Easy, mate. How are you? How's it going?

I wrote a letter to him. I don't know if he'll remember this.

I got his address from Hip Hop Connection magazine, and he sent me a sticker.

Receiving that sticker in the post was better than losing my virginity.

It was unbelievable.

If anything, though,

having that sticker and talking about it

guaranteed that I kept my virginity a bit longer.

With over 20 years' experience and multiple awards to his name,

if anyone could get me through this it was Yoda.'

In a few days' time, I'm playing to, I don't know, hundreds and hundreds of people.

Is it possible to get away with this? Cos I'm shitting it.

Don't worry. You don't need to panic.

We're gonna just cheat it. Good. I'm in.

The ultimate would be, I'm just chatting to him

and he's going, "Holy shit, Rom, you're so cool and casual." And I go, "Yeah, I know."

And I go, "Can I have a go at this DJ thing?" And he's, "Oh, my God!

Do you know what? I think you've got a real future in this, man."

And I go, "Do you really think so?" And he'll go, "Yeah."

Couple of weeks' time I'm entering the DMC world championships and smashing it.

I was gonna show you a little bit of just mixing music together. Let's try this.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

♪ STORMZY: Big For Your Boots

(RECORD SCRATCHING TO BEAT)

("BIG FOR YOUR BOOTS" CONTINUES PLAYING)

("BIG FOR YOUR BOOTS" CONTINUES PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Something like that. That was insane, man.

OK. So I want to do that now.

All right. Let's get started. How long will it take?

Twenty years. (LAUGHS) OK. Sweet.

I actually made this available to Rob,

as a best friend would.

"Rob, I've sorted out one of the greatest DJs in the world

to teach us to mix." And he can't be arsed.

I've gone from worrying about his success

to hoping he crashes and burns so badly

that for the first time in the history of dance music,

people start throwing their own shit at him. Because he deserves it.

This sounds harsh, but he just can't be arsed. I don't know what he's up to.

ROB: Oh, yeah. This is the place.

Neon everywhere.

I feel like someone's drug brained.

Romesh is trying to learn to mix in a day.

Never gonna happen. It takes years.

There's no point messing about with the music side of things,

it's all about the look. That's what I'm focusing on today.

Right.

'While Rom was trying to keep it real with DJ Yoda,

I was planning to blow the crowd away

with a performance they'd never forget.

First things first, an outfit.'

Look at that. Do I like ganja?

I don't know. Let me ask my pyjamas. I think I do.

Buck hats.

Nothing official happens.

No-one comes up to you and goes, "Excuse me, you can't park there."

Party time.

THIS looks a bit like the M5's shut for resurfacing.

So I'm not sure if that's my vibe.

Cos with this accent and that outfit,

I'll look like I work on the roads. Look like I'm fucking up the trains.

It looks like Guantanamo trousers, doesn't it?

This I like.

This has got an East 17 vibe.

Cos I think THAT is a statement piece.

And then you can accessorise with high-vis.

This little fella.

Don't know what that is. Looks like a Muppet's been skinned.

Some of the gear, though, is absolutely outrageous.

It's just like a little vest with a couple of birds on it. See-through.

ROM: 'Back in Greenwich, I was ready to start my training with DJ Yoda.

But first, he had some news for me.

I'm gonna be DJing tonight

we'll try and make it so that you can jump on

towards the end of my set, celebrity cameo DJ appearance.

Oh, shit. OK.

As a little mini test,

I'm gonna play out here tonight, and I have, well...

..two hours to acquire the requisite skills in order to be able to do that.

OK, before we do this, is it possible that

I'm gonna be so shit at this that you will back out immediately?

Let's find out.

The truth is, I'm not an idiot,

I'm not Rob Beckett, so I do get it's tough.

I basically need to ask Yoda:

what can I do that gives the maximum impressiveness

but also requires minimal skill?

Volume up. (INCREASES VOLUME)

That's it. Scratch the start.

One... (SEAMLESS DROP)

Oh. Was that good?

Mate. Yeah?

Give that a spin back. (RECORD SCRATCHING)

YES! Yeah. All right.

Yeah. We need that to happen tonight.

Oh, my God. Perfect.

Mate, if that happens tonight,

I will leave my wife

and go and see who else I can find.

(LAUGHS)

(RECORD SCRATCHING) Unfortunately, my marriage was safe.

(SCRATCHING)

(SONG PLAYING)

(SCRATCHING) Horrendous.

(BOTH LAUGH)

ROB: Do I look good, mate? I tell you what,

if you see me in this, you're not gonna worry about what's coming out the speakers.

What you thinking?

Smashed it. Look at that.

I look like a mechanic from the Death Star.

Innit?

♪ MAX ROMEO: Chase The Devil

I'm having it.

Cherry on the cake.

A few facts. One. Just one fact.

I think its quite flattering. Personally.

It keeps all the stuff in the right places.

ROMESH: 'I was an hour into my lesson...'

No. Oh, shit!

'..and things weren't improving.'

(RECORD SCRATCHING, MUSIC PLAYS)

That's how you don't want it -to sound in the club. -Fuck!

Yeah.

I have now accepted that tonight is not gonna go well.

It's gonna be a car crash.

I'm essentially just putting my seatbelt on and praying.

We've got to get you to use the cross fader a little bit.

The cross fader has been something I've wanted to do for ages.

Now, I hate it.

(RECORD SCRATCHING) OK.

I mean, that sounds awful. I mean, it will do. You just...

Like, just don't worry about it sounding awful.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

I absolutely hate doing it.

I hate the cross fader. I hate everything about it.

You've got to show the crowd, "I'm the scratch DJ now."

Even if it sounds terrible, style it out.

'I was so bad at it...'

(SCRATCHING WITH NO RHYTHM)

..that him watching me, I could see HIS love for DJing dissolve,

as he was watching me.

Because he was basically seeing someone

shit all over the art form repeatedly.

Technically, you're doing all the right things.

Yeah. But it sounds like dog shit. It sounded pretty awful, didn't it?

At this point, I am this close...

..to giving Yoda my glasses

and asking him to brown up.

That's where I'm at with this now.

Because I can't see any way out of this.

Apart from that.

He needs to get himself a beard

and some Marmite,

and tell people his name's Romesh.

ROB: Here we go. Come on.

I told you this was the place, didn't I? Look at me.

I look like a rave pimp.

When I walk into the club like this,

people are gonna go, "Who's that guy and what's he up to?"

This SCREAMS DJ.

When get on stage and start mixing it they'll be like, "Yes, please."

Romesh? Him in a nightclub? He's 40!

He's a failed maths teacher. He'll get turfed out.

I won't. I'll be dominating it.

Look at this.

♪ Bo bo bo-bo-bo do dep ♪

I don't know what that song is, but I feel good.

Romesh fucking about mixing? Do me a favour.

ROMESH: 'Back at the club, Yoda had started his set

and I was up next.

But there was a problem.

The equipment I'd practised with

was different to what I was about to perform on.'

He's used to it. He goes, "It's the same."

I looked at it,

It doesn't even look like the same machine.

It's like going, "We want you to converse with a Spanish person

and we're gonna spend two hours teaching you Spanish."

And you go, "OK. I think I've got up to speed."

And then they go, "Oh, little last-minute switch,

he's gonna be Iranian.

But it's similar.

Make some noise for Romesh Ranganathan!

(HIP HOP SONG PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(HIP HOP SONG CONTINUES)

My first real test was coming up.

Could I survive mixing one track into another?

One, two, three, four.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

(FEEDBACK)

AUDIENCE: Aahhh!

(BOOING)

(SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

Complete failure.

And I still had ten minutes left to perform.

(LAUGHING, HECKLING)

I'm sorry. It's a fuck fest, is what it is.

Genuine, absolute dog shit sandwich.

♪ Hi my name is my name is my name is... ♪

(BOOING)

DJ Yoda will never contact me again.

I've told people in there that he trained me.

I mean, God knows if he'll work again.

(AUDIENCE MUTTERING)

(MUSIC STARTS) Biggie...

There were some glimmers of hope...

♪ Ah this goes out to you Biggie

..but they were short-lived.

♪ This goes out to you... ♪

(AUDIENCE MEMBERS GROANING)

MAN: You're rubbish! You're rubbish!

The rest was an absolute shambles.

(RECORD SCRATCHING)

("CHIN SCRATCH")

The chin scratch

was a low point.

(AUDIENCE GROANING)

It elicited the kind of cheer a pisshead outside Wetherspoons

when he finally makes it back to his food.

(AUDIENCE JEERING)

I don't have to do shit.

So you saying to me "you have to", no, I don't "have to".

Because after that, I don't HAVE to do anything.

(GLASS SMASHING ON TRACK) Broken glass everywhere...

(AUDIENCE MOANING)

What's supposed to happen in these shows is

you start off at ground zero,

progress, progress, progress, Rocky montage, and then success.

That's not what's happened here. What's happened here is

midway through, Rocky's gone, "I'm gonna give up boxing."

That's essentially what you're dealing with now.

Somebody phone Apollo Creed and tell him I'm not coming.

ROMESH: 'It was the evening of our big performance.

And after the car-crash of a set last night,

it was touch and go whether I was gonna go through with it.

But I'd had a call from Rob,

asking me to come to the club early to watch his rehearsal.'

He's decided to do a DJ set.

He's gonna actually have to prepare and do a bit of DJing, which is,

for me, a sign he's started to take things seriously.

ROB: 'In a few hours, the club will be absolutely rammo.

It was up to us to deliver a night out they'd never forget.

And I was bang up for it.'

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Romesh! What are you doing?

Rehearsing!

Why have you got dancers?

Well, why not? We're putting on a show, ain't we?

This is not comedy, mate. This is DJing, it's a nightclub.

You can't just walk out and bang on about your wife and kids

and expect to get a pay cheque. Oh, here we go (!)

One second. Can we check the CO2, please?

Fucking hell!

Yeah, I think they work. How you feelin'?

I'm feeling like you're out of control.

Just a second.

Bubbles.

(LAUGHING) Oh, my God.

T-shirt cannon. You are such a prick.

Get to the back, I'll send you one. Can we have some lights?

I don't want to get him in his good eye. Heads up, Romesh!

♪ VENGABOYS: We Like To Party

(LAUGHS) You're such a wanker.

Why have you done this?

Look at that! You look great!

Rob. That's when I first met you.

That's when you had jokes.

You're a prick, mate.

Production-wise, a bubble machine, T-shirt cannon,

dancers on stilts, CO2, confetti,

and, er, great tunes. That's what I'm dealing with.

Absolute bangers!

And whenever it dips, something loud happens.

That's what I'm going for.

I, for a brief moment, thought that Rob was taking it seriously.

Obviously, he's not. He's got dancers...

I think Ronald McDonald's turning up in about half an hour.

It is mental. I mean...

(TURNS MUSIC ON, THEN OFF)

ROB: Oh. Sorry. Are you talking still?

Just trying to rehearse up here. -Yeah. Yeah, yeah. -What's going on?

I know what you are thinking, all of you are thinking-Oh, shithead!

Oh, it went too far. Sorry 'bout that.

It's all fun and Rob's putting on a party, blah, blah, blah. Look.

♪ GALA: Free From Desire

Oo! Oo!

I fucking hate this prick.

(SONG CONTINUES PLAYING)

What a wanker.

Genuine...

Free from desire!

♪ Mind and senses purified

♪ Freed from desire

♪ Mind and senses purified

♪ Freed from desire... Yes!

'By now the club had opened its doors and was filling up.'

'While Rob was busy mingling and generally being needy,

I'd spent 20 minutes in a crappy storeroom

trying to psych myself up.

And I'd reached this conclusion.

I would like to do it,

without anybody seeing me. (HIP HOP PLAYING IN THE BACKGROUND)

Sounds like I'm talking about wanking.

But what I mean, I would like to do DJing

I don't want to do DJing in front of an audience

because last night was demoralising.

The thing that could go wrong for me would be a power cut.

That's my greatest fear.

The best thing that could happen is a power cut.

But, failing that, I don't know,

Rob goes on and somehow kills himself.

I'm a plug waiting for the hole. Give it to me and switch me on.

Back in the store cupboard,

I was still battling my inner demons.

EMINEM: If you had

♪ One shot

♪ Or one opportunity

♪ To seize everything you ever wanted

♪ In one moment

♪ Would you capture it

♪ Or just let it slip? ♪

MAN: 'Please, welcome to the stage DJ ROMESH!'

'There was no way I could let Rob get the better of me.

I'd put in the hours of practise, and I was as ready as I could be.'

(MUSIC STARTS)

It looks like doing an Excel spreadsheet.

'My first few mixes didn't go to badly.

But about halfway through,

the wheels started to come off.' (MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYS)

(RECORD SCRATCHING) That's happening now, is it?

The thing is, he's not good at mixing with people.

Never mind records.

'And it was at this point...'

People are leaving.

'..that I completely abandoned the idea of becoming a superstar DJ.'

(BOOING)

Come back!

I'm all right!

'Finally it was over. I hadn't covered myself in glory,

but I had stepped up and performed a genuine DJ set.

Which is more than I could say for what Rob was about to do.'

He says he's mixing live tonight. OK?

I've seen what he's got,

I am not good enough to mix with all of my powers of concentration on it,

let alone with a T-shirt cannon in my hands.

He thinks I'm...

He's thinking there won't be any mixing and I'll be cheating?

I can guarantee you,

every song will be mixed into the next one.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

If Rom's tactic was to bore the crap out of 'em,

then mine was simple,

to take them on a journey they'd never forget.

'Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage

DJ Rob Beckett!'

(CHEERING)

(STEADY BASS BEAT)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

♪ Four three two one... ♪

(CHEERING INTENSIFIES)

♪ VENGABOYS: Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!

♪ Whoa oh whoa oh

♪ Let's break it down...

♪ Whoa oh whoa oh

♪ Boom boom boom

♪ I want you in my room Let's spend the night together...

He's not even pretending that he's doing it.

'What Romesh didn't seem to get was

that people had come to actually enjoy themselves.

And I was just getting started.'

(MUSIC DROP)

♪ 2 UNLIMITED: No Limits

♪ Let me hear you say yeah...

AUDIENCE: Yeah! (CHEERING)

Why bother with the headphones? He's doing fuck all.

("NO LIMITS" CONTINUES PLAYING)

♪ No no no no no no no no no no...

Look at this shit

♪ No there's no limits

(MUSIC DROP)

WHOOOOAAA!

(LAUGHS)

Absolutely zero clue that was gonna happen.

(CHEERING)

'There were moments when I thought he'd lost the plot.'

GIVE ME THE GAS!

WHOA!

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

'I banged out about 30 minutes of pure euphoria,

and I still had one more track to drop.'

(LOUD BANG)

(SLOW INTRO)

DJ SAMMY: Baby you're all that I want

♪ When you're lying here in my arms

♪ Finding it hard to believe

♪ We're in heaven... ♪

I wanna see you jump high!

(MUSIC TEMPO INCREASES)

I hate DJing. I think DJing's shit. It's for pricks.

Oggy Oggy Oggy!

AUDIENCE: Oi Oi Oi!

("HEAVEN" CONTINUES PLAYING)

COME ON!

'They loved me.

I loved me.

I'd become a superstar DJ.

(MUSIC STOPS)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I mean,

you didn't have a clue what was in that mix, did you?

I think that was the greatest moment of my life.

Oh, mate, I'm exhausted.

When the energy's that high in the room...

You're a cheat. Why?

You're a cheat and it worked. Congratulations.

You're all right. It was great, just different styles.

I respect what you did. (MOUTHS)

Cheers. I never want to see it ever again.

You might have to, if you come to my show.

And in that suit you smell a little bit like a used johnny.

I stink like a condom. Yeah.

Anyway, fuck DJing.

It's a load of shit, and everyone that does it are arseholes.

I don't even like Yoda anymore.

Great mix he did, though.

Did he do the mix for you?

(LAUGHS)

So, my- The guy that I got to train me...

So not only have you cheated,

the guy that trained me, he actually -helped you beat me? -Yeah.

Get yourself home, boy.

INDEEP: Last night a DJ saved my life...

You smashed that. Yeah, thanks for coming.

♪ Last night a DJ saved my life Yeah...

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

("LAST NIGHT A DJ SAVED MY LIFE" CONTINUES PLAYING)

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