All language subtitles for Letterkenny (2016) - S01E01 - Aint No Reason to Get Excited (1080p HULU WEB-DL x265 MONOLITH)

A couple hockey players
come up to the produce stand
the other day...

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER RADIO)

(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
KATY: Bye!

Can't believe
your sister's still dating
these nut sacks.

Wayne.
How're you now?

KATY: Good and you?
Not so bad.

Hi, Katy.
Go home, Daryl.

Nice onesie.
Does it come in men's?

Oh, I think you cum
in men enough for all of us.

I think you better
come in my...

I mean,
you better come...

I think you better come say
that to his face,
you fucking hicks!

Nice execution.
You're doin' terrific.

Hey, I heard about
your break‐up, buddy.

She was your sweetie
for five years, right?

Your high school
sweetie, right?

What's it to ya?
Heard she cheated
on you, buddy.

That's a real kick
in the knackers, bro.

Just a real ouchie, bro.

It's too bad she taught you
not to fight anymore, buddy.

'Cause that's a fight
on sight for you and
her new guy, buddy.

Fourth line
for life, bro.

Maybe, if you'd ever been
in a real fight, you might not
be so keen for another.

What did you say?

You heard me.

Hold my spitter.

Darts off, boys.

You looking for
a tilly, buddy?

Let's have a donnybrook.
DARYL: Pump the brakes.

You take your shirt off,
but leave your sunglasses on?

What sort of backwards fuckin'
pageantry is that?

Do you want to fight
with those shades or play
pokerstars.com?

Hold my spitter.

Dude, I can't hold
your spitter.
You're holding
my spitter.

Just put the
spitters down.
Tick‐tock.

Go time!
Go time!

Look at that fuckin'
treasure trail.

WAYNE: What's up with your
fuckin' body hair, big shoots.

You look like a
12‐year‐old Dutch girl.

Your aesthetician quaff
that for you?

DARYL: You can kiss
my ass‐thetician.

You guys do cross fit?
You can cross‐fuck‐off.

Cross fart. How many times
you pulled your
horn today, bud?

What?
Oh, she's bashful.

Oh, come on, kitten.
I won't tell anyone.

Ball park six to eight?

You're a fucking animal.
Play a little five on one.

WAYNE: Hit the kitchen,
mix a batch.
DARYL: Feed the ducks.

Distribute some
free literature.

Go time!

Fuckin'... Shed 'em!

Riley! Jonesy! Put your
fuckin' shirts on!
Get outta here!

BOTH: This isn't over!
Jinx. You owe me a Coke.

Never buy you a Coke.

It's a hard life pickin'
stones and pullin' teats

but sure as God's got sandals
it beats fightin' dudes
with treasure trails.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi, Katy.

We're out of yogurt.

I brought some from home.

KATY: So why didn't you
stay there and eat it.

Mornin' Dary.
Mornin'.

WAYNE: Thank you.
Welcome.

So, you talked to Angie yet?

It's been almost a month now.
Think you need to get
back on the horse.

She stepped out on you.
Can't go back to that
and get any respect.

Not in Letterkenny.

Wayne, Angie did
you a lot of good.

Somewhere along the way
you kinda got soft.

You're not even
fighting anymore.

You know what you need?
Sex. With a girl.

Not just any girl.
A good Christian girl.

I think I can help you.

I've been going to the Burning
Bush Youth Group every Sunday.

I think you should
come with me.

I think you should
just eat your yogurt.

There's millions
of starving kids
in the world.

Yeah? Name ten.

(SIGHS)

You need a distraction.

Something fun.
Look at this.

It's called Tinder.

Look, see there's all
these girls and if you
don't like one,

you just say nope
and move onto the next.

But if you do like one,
then you can see how
close they are

and I don't know,
maybe meet up

or whatever.

So if you like 'em you just
type 'em out a message
or what's the scoop?

Yeah. You just, you know,
say something like...

Like, "On a scale of one
to America, how free
are you right now?"

Oh, Jesus!
Look at these nut sacks.

Why do you hate them so much?

'Cause hockey players
would grab a monkey
by the tit if they could.

Smokes are for jokes, bud!

Put it out before
it puts you out, bud!

(CHUCKLES)
Trash the ash, pal!

Ouch! Put it out! Put it out!

Put it out! Put it out!

Tell the fish hook
story, Dan.

It's really more
of a Wayne story.

Yeah, but he
won't tell it.

Oh, you've heard it
a baker's dozen times.

Tell the story
or he won't shut up.

DAN: Is there anymore
trail mix?

It's in the house.

Yous makes the most delicious
trail mix, Katy,

and I got to say that's what
I appreciates about you.

Is that what you
appreciate about me?

Pitter‐patter, squirrely Dan.

So, as the story goes,

Wayne hucks an egg at a truck
with a Confederate flag

in the back windshield

and the driver's
fumin' pissed.

So, we flee the scene
goin' full tilt like
a Peterbilt, right?

Now, The Federales catch up
to us and chase us
through a few backyards

before we scamper up
into some trees

and all Wayne's got on
is a pair of
cut‐off jean shorts

so he ain't exactly
super jazzed about the
situation, was you Wayne?

Oh, I'm no DJ Jazzy Jeff.

The Federale
pulls out his Taser,

and he points it up at Wayne
and says some real
Clint Eastwood‐sounding shit.

He says to Wayne, he says,

"If I'd known I was going to
run into some uptown
street toughs today,

"I'd have done up
my top button."

(CHUCKLES) That's from
a John Wayne motion picture.

No, Cool Hand Luke.

Pert near anything
Kevin Costner, really.

Either way, I's impressed
and I'd let out
an audible gasp

so he hears me, spins around,
aims the Taser up at me
and lets fire,

and if that thing doesn't
latch onto my nipple ring,

which I'm pretty sure
amplified the
electric current,

he sent coursing through
my entire body.

And they just walked over
and yanked that thing
out of my nipple

like it was a goddamn
fish hook.

At least that's
according to my cousin.

Well, you know,
my second cousin.

Who, Garrett?
No, Jarrett.

Huh...
I cried.

I'm not even ashamed
to admit that.

(BURPS)

That was well brought up.
Too bad you weren't.

I should say.

Thirsty Thursdays, boys.

Might as well get balls
deep in a bottle of
Gus'n Bru tonight.

It's a four leaf clover.
Make a wish.

Wish you weren't so
fucking awkward, bud.

(BLOWS)

(BURPS)

KATY: Is Angie working?

DARYL: Better have
a peek‐see, Wayne.

GAIL: How are yous?
WAYNE: Not too bad.

Good. And you?
Not too bad.

Smells like someone's
in their barn clothes.

It's Dary.
Four shots of Gus'n Bru,
please and thank you,

One for you, too,
Gailor.

Thank you, Wayne,
but I'm off the sauce.

Taking eight vitamins
a day now.

What are you taking?
I'm taking multi‐vitamin,

fish oil, vitamin C,
vitamin D,

two vitamin B complexes
and two Cold‐FX's.

Yeah, but 'cept
how many darts though?

Twenty, 25 darts.

Oh, you got
'er down then?

Last I seen ya,
you were on a pack
and a half of smokes.

Well, sometimes,
I'll have a pack
and a half of smokes,

but never more than
two packs of smokes.

Good enough.

All right. Won't be rude.

I'd hang a piss.

Oh, fuck.

I'm about to give birth
to a pound of fudge.

(TRICKLING)

Wayne.

McMurray.
How're ya now?

Good 'n you?
Not so bad.

Seen Angie, with
her new dude?
What a fuckin' dandy.

Yeah. He's got
fugazi‐diamonds
in both ears

and leprechaun
buckles on his shoes.

Running a fuckin'
Dippity‐Doo convention
upstairs for a salad.

Driving a '94 Jeep YJ
with a wave decal on the side.

Enough cologne to offend
a Bangkok lady boy.

Good enough.

Do you want to hear
the best part?

You really wanna
hear the best part.

Okay.
He went full Bieber eyes.

What?
Bieber eyes.

Wayne.

Wayne. Wayne, look.

It's inappropriate,
McMurray.

Wayne, just look
for fuck's sake.

Just fuckin' look, Wayne.

Full Bieber eyes.
What's that?

Bieber. The pop star.

I'm not familiar
with his work.
(DOOR OPENING)

This must be where
the dicks hang out, eh?

Our dicks hang out.

Yours is like a mushroom
in a corn field.

Mind your fuckin'
business, Alexander.

Seen Angie with her new dude?
What a fuckin' dandy.

Eyes on your own
work there, super chief.

(ALEXANDER LAUGHING)
(DOOR OPENS)

Thank Christ, Wayne,
I'm pushing clobs here.

Get outta the way,
I'm growing a tail.

Wayne, I would like
to cordially invite you to
the Burning Bush Youth Group

this Sunday, for an
evening of song and praise.

Hard no.
My sweetie, Margaret,
is a first class gal.

She's got some friends
she can introduce you to.

Margaret? Sounds like
a biddy old blue‐hair'd.

She's not. She's a very
focused young woman on the
path to eternity with Christ.

And which part
of that appeals to you?

I like singing the songs.
KATY: Sort yourself out.

You're a pervert, Daryl.

Jesus, your breath could stop
a Mack truck right now.

All right, cool it.

What say, we go for
a quick ice run, Wayne?

I'm pushing up on you
for years now.

What's say you give
old Gailor one for
the scrapbook?

Huh?

I'll do the Youth Group.

All right.

DAN: Gail, looks like the
John's allergic to fudge.

DAN: Bring the plunger,
we may have
to break this one up.

Told you to flush
as you go. Fuck.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(BAND TUNING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Hi, Daryl.
Christ be with you.

Margaret.

And you must be Wayne.
Mmm‐hmm.

Christ be with you, Wayne.
Hello.

How are yous?

Oh, not s'bad.
Good 'n you?

Perfect.

You made a good choice
coming here, tonight.

Yeah? Why is that?

Hold your finger here
for as long as you can.

What for...

All right.
Now imagine,

your soul engulfed
in that for all of eternity.

Okay.

God is good.

That's how they get you.

Wayne's been going through
a bit of a rough break up,

and I thought a night
at the Burning Bush
might help him out.

Plus, it's better
than spending
all his time on Tinder.

Tinder?

Did you know that
it was originally
called Grindr

and that it was made
for gay men to sodomize
each other?

No.
Yeah.

Good way to get
a finger in your bum.

Or a tongue in your bum.

Do you know
what Dick Dingers are?

No.

It's when they snort drugs
off of each other's
erect penises.

That have just
been in bums.

Oh, my gourd!
Look at this turnout.

Hi, everybody.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Quick question for all y'all.

How good is God?

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

I know, I know,
I love him.
He's the best.

There's almost no one
I like more.

Second question,
has anyone seen...

Where is my beautiful
girlfriend, Virginia?

Ginny, where are you?

GLEN: There she is,
Ginny, come on up here.
Come up, Ginny.

(CLAPS)
Oh, ugh, Ginny.

Ginny, Ginny,
Ginny. Hmm.

I still remember,
like it was yesterday,

the day that the Lord
gave you to me.

And he said, "Glen,

"this is your blank canvas,
it is pale.

"It is colorless,
it is almost cardboard‐like.

"I want you

"to give it life,
to give it color."

And so I said to the Lord,

"I will give it everything,
everything.

"Except for one thing."

(AUDIENCE CHATTERING)
What was that question?
Uh, hmm?

Vaginal intercourse!

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

GLEN:
Guess what, boys and girls?

You're in for somethin'
special, 'cause we got
The Salty Treats.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

What the actual fuck
is this place?

Why can't you just
enjoy yourself?

It's 'cause I get onto
this Tinder thing,

and now they tell me
it's for finding dudes.

But that's some
bullshit, right?

I don't know.
You want some
strawberry lemonade?

I haven't seen this sort
of fuckin' bedlam since
we fired Roman Candles

at coyotes that night
and caught one right
in the butt hole, fuck.

Ran up the back porch,
dropped seven shades of shit
in Dad's work boots.

Could have been a wolf.
There's wolf's in
the back bush.

There's for sure mooses.

Have a dart.
Yeah, I'd have a dart.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, fuckin' Grindr.

Grindr?

(GROWLING) Grindr.
What?

Pray tell, what are you doing
on Grindr, Wayne?

What are you skids
doing out of your parents'
basement, Stewart?

The gang and I have been
doing hip‐hop karaoke

for the better part
of 48 hours.
Out on the decks.

Ones and twos.
The entire 48.

Subsequently spittin'
hot fire. (EXHALES)

Playing Mega‐Man
and Final Fantasy
on original NES.

Pokémon Gold,
on GameBoy Color.

Gotta catch 'em all.
Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur,

Charmeleon, Charizard,
fuckin' Charmander.

Fuckin' Charmander.

WAYNE: Time to take
about 20% off on the
meth intake, boys

STEWART: Ever played
Dr. Mario on Super NES?

(EXCLAIMS) Game is full
of subliminal messages.

Hunter S. Thompson would
have had a field day.

Hunter S.? Charles Bukowski.

Oh, yes, Chuck Bukowski.
That's a better
one, Stewart.

STEWART: Ever played Aladdin
on original Sega G?

Coffee? Tea? Sega?

Lion King was
far ahead of its time.

Makes you think far
beyond your years.

Disney games prevail!

You got any weed?

I always regret coming
to the surface with you,
day‐walking hicks.

The minutiae of your world.

My basement resembles
an island Xanadu,
in comparison.

Okay.
Ah, but some quick math

tells me this time, however,

you've been so agonized
by a woman you're now seeking
the company of men.

(GIGGLES)

Oh, okay.
We've all thought about it.

Well, good on you
for doubling down.

Although, I didn't
peg you for
a pipe fitter, Wayne.

(GROWLING) Pegged!

Five years with Angie,
we figured you were
a concrete clam slammer.

Why drink from the furry cup
when the garden hose
is right there?

Who knew he liked
the chutney ferret, eh fellas?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Fuckin' what?

Knob jockey.
Back door bandit.

I'm gay, but donut puncher!

(CHUCKLES)

Just gimme my phone.
Oh, yeah, sure thing.

Oklahomo.
Rear admiral.

Uphill gardener.
(LAUGHING) Bum bumper.

This is awkward for me,
you guys.

Hey, it's okay.

We know, and we
support you. (GRUNTS)

All right.
Donald Trump of rump!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Phone.
Okay.

But only because
you have this weird...

Menergy...
(IN FALSETTO) Menergy!

About you.
(MOANS) Sorry.

That's a great name for a spa.
(GROWLS)

(PLAYING DIDGERIDOO)

(CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

Oh, stop it.
You know I love ripping didge.

If you don't change
your attitude you're gonna
lose out on all the girls.

Like the 12‐year‐olds
or the 13‐year‐olds?

DARYL: Well, have you noticed
all the well‐groomed
dudes here?

MARGARET: You missed
the best part.

Glen just did
his didgeridoo solo.

Well, that's pretty much it.

You guys wanna get
some milk shakes?

I think Modeans
is open.
Boy, howdy.

Well, well, well...

Daryl, girl,
Wayne.

Bit surprised to see you here,
I'm being honest.

Didn't realize you were
big fan of the didge.

Aw. More of
a didgere‐don't?

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIGGLES)

What do you do
with the fertile, Wayne?

Didn't I just catch
you cruisin' Grindr?

Come again?

Hey, shouldn't
you boys be watching
Friday Night Lights

with a gym sock
on your joy stick?

Chirp Tim Riggins.
I fuckin' dare you.

Mix in a little One Tree Hill
and maybe some Gossip Girl.

But I think we've got
bigger fish to fry right here.

Looking for love
over the rainbow now,
are we Dorothy?

I hate you,

but can confirm
deer season's over.

He's hunting bear now.

(GROWLING)
(LAUGHING)

I fuckin' hate you too.
However, fuckin' hate
him more.

And I just found out
he's ambidextrous.

What are they talking
about, Wayne?

RILEY: He likes dicks now.

In his bum.
Or his mouth.

RILEY: All over.

WOMAN: Oh, my God.
That's Angie's new boyfriend?

DARYL:
Oh, that's that city boy.

(IMITATING TRAIN HONK)

What a skirt.

(CHUCKLES)
What a shit.

Fuck, Lemony Snicket,
what a series
of unfortunate events

you fuckin' been through,
you ugly fuck.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams.

RILEY: Fuck you, Stewart.
Hey, fuck you...

MAN: Yeah, fuck yourself.

(HORN HONKING)

(PHONE BEEPS)

You must be having
a fun night.

"Ur bro is gay.

"LMFAO." In all caps,
from Riley.

Wayne? You remember
when you were 19,

those worm pickers kept coming
in the night and trampling
on our beans?

What did you do?

Dug six foot holes,
put a skunk in each one

and waited for them
to fall in.

Remember when the skids
egged Daryl on his bike?
What did you do?

Put some stink bombs
in a Nerf gun and fired it
at them on prom night.

Remember when you came
in from chorin' and found
those messages

on my computer from a guy
calling me a slut?

I wanted a piece
of that guy for a long time.

You drove over to his house
and broke his nose
on his front lawn.

You know, I miss that Wayne.

I think a lot
of people do.

It's for the better.

(HUMMING)

(GRUNTING AND MUMBLING)

This is Sparta!

(TROY LAUGHING)

Ow! Fuck!

What the hell are you doing?
I'd ask you the same thing,
you fuckin' tit.

I'm taping an idiot.
I'm not sneaking up on dudes
and starting fights.

I'm not fightin' ya.
I'm smackin' ya.

Oh, that's right.
You don't fight
anymore, do you?

I figured I'd have one
on deck for sure
after I stole your girl.

Nothin', eh?

No move?

She must've trained you well.

So what's it gonna take
to get you back
on the horse there, champ?

Do I go inside and spread
Angie right out on the bar
when she gets here?

I've fucked your girl
more times than you've
had a hot meal.

Maybe your sister
wants to join us.

It's Katy, right?
Shit.

Why don't I go over
there and ask her myself?

(GRUNTS IN PAIN)

(GROANS)

Pull your pants up,
Alexander.

You've come this far.

(BOTTLE SHATTERS)

(WHIMPERS)

(SPITS)

Welcome to fuckin'
Letterkenny.

Good to have you back,
big brother.

Hi, Katy
KATY: Go home, Daryl.

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

(ENGINE REVVING)

JONESY: Bye, Wayne.
Have a good one bro.
RILEY: Bye, Wayne.

RILEY: See you later, buddy.

♪ Pigeon Hole, like a wild wolf
pack ♪

♪ Ch‐ch‐ch, bom‐bom‐bom! We
'bout to pull back ♪

♪ Let it out, let it loose,
light years ahead of you ♪

♪ Quick, run, scatter for the
hills is what you better do ♪

♪ That's what you better do ♪

♪ That's what you better do ♪

♪ Straight out the motherfuckin
back water boondocks ♪

♪ Somethin' brand new to go sla
on the jukebox ♪

♪ Slim Jim, been around the
clock 'til the wig split ♪

♪ Heat up the soup pot and mop
up the pig shit ♪

♪ Yeah, uh, Pigeon Hole, step
back ♪

♪ Too high for 'em, I am on my
jet pack ♪

♪ I am on that future grind,
sorry for the setback ♪

♪ People need to clean it up,
people need a wet nap ♪

♪ Fuck that, I keep it sand
paper rugged ♪

♪ Sand paper rugged, sand‐sand
paper rugged ♪