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>> O'Brien: TONIGHT ON
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"HOT PACKAGE"...
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OUCH!
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TELEVISION KEEPS ON SUCKING.
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>> Roark: AND "H.P." HAS GOT THE
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EXCLUSIVE.
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HOT.
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>> Beckles: ALLEGED LOVER,
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ACCUSED HEARTBREAKER, AND
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"HOT PACKAGE'S" CELEBRITY EXPERT
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JEFF DEANE TURNER IS BACK.
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>> THEY DIDN'T CHARGE HER WITH
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WHAT SHE WAS WAITING TO DO WITH
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ME, LYING IN WAIT -- THAT THING
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I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
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>> Beckles: THAT'S RIGHT.
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AND I'LL BE HERE WITH LEGENDARY
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ALTERNATIVE-ROMANCE FILM
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DIRECTOR ROB SPALLONE.
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>> THEIR FACES ARE ALL [BLEEP]
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UP, THEIR [BLEEP] STINKS.
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>> Roark: HOTTER.
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THEN, A "P.O.B. P.O.V." YOU
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WON'T WANT TO MISS.
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>> O'Brien: WE COUNT DOWN YOUR
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TOP SEXIEST MOMENTS FROM THE
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LAST 23 YEARS.
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>> WILL YOU MARRY ME?
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>> [ BREATHING HEAVILY ]
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OH, MY GOD.
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OH, MY GOD.
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>> Roark: THEN -- THEN --
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THEN...
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THEN...
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>> ALL THOSE STORIES AND MORE...
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>> Beckles: TONIGHT ON
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"HOT PACKAGE."
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>> O'Brien: YOU'RE WATCHING
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"HOT PACKAGE," THE BEST AND ONLY
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CURRENT ENTERTAINMENT-NEWS
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PROGRAM.
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>> Beckles: WELCOME TO
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"HOT PACKAGE," EVERYBODY.
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I'M DERRICK BECKLES.
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>> O'Brien: AND I'M PAT O'BRIEN.
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>> Roark: I'M ANASTAS--
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>> O'Brien: WELL, AROUND HERE,
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DERRICK, IT HAS BEEN AN
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ENORMOUSLY EMOTIONAL DAY, SO
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LET'S GET STARTED.
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>> Beckles: TRUE.
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IT'S A TELEVISION SUCK-OFF TO
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END ALL SUCK-OFFS THIS WEEK WITH
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THE SURPRISE NETWORK
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ANNOUNCEMENT THAT
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"VAMPIRE LOVE STORY" HAS BEEN
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CANCELLED.
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NEWS OF THE CANCELLATION LEFT
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FANS OF "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY"
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DEVASTATED, WHILE CRITICS
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CELEBRATED.
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>> O'Brien: REALLY, DERRICK?
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I LOVE THIS SHOW.
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AND AS A FAN OF "V.L.S.," I
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VEHEMENTLY DISAGREE WITH THESE
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REVIEWS.
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>> Beckles: THAT'S WHY IT'S
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TONIGHT'S VERY PERSONAL
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"PAT O'BRIEN POINT OF VIEW."
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PAT HAS A BONE TO PICK WITH THE
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CRITICS AND THE NETWORK THAT
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CANCELLED "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY."
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>> Roark: AND NOW...
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>> ROMANTIC MOMENTS.
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>> HI, DAVE.
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COULD YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE,
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PLEASE?
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>> I'M DEAD.
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>> COME ON. WE'RE ALL TIRED.
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>> NO, I'M NOT KIDDING.
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I'M DEAD.
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>> COME ON.
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>> WHOA.
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>> HUH?
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>> DAVID?
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>> HOLLY, I LOVE YOU.
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>> AND I LOVE YOU.
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WHAT HAPPENED?
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>> TIGER KILLED ME.
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>> Beckles: ROMANTIC STUFF.
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LET'S DO THIS.
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TIME FOR A HOLLYWOOD MAKEOVER.
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MEET KEVIN.
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>> I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS
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MAKEOVER.
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>> Beckles: HE WANTS TO ROMANCE
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THE LADIES LIKE JAMES BOND.
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ONE PROBLEM, THOUGH, KEVIN --
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YOUR STYLE SCREAMS
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"DOUBLE-O-ZERO."
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SO I WENT THROUGH MY PERSONAL
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COLLECTION OF HOLLYWOOD HUNKS
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AND FOUND THIS GUY...
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>> HUNK SELECTED.
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>> Beckles: ...THE PERFECT
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INSPIRATION FOR KEVIN'S NEW
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MAKEOVER LOOK.
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>> GOD, NO!
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NO! NO! NO!
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GET ME OUT OF THIS TERRIBLE
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PLACE!
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GET ME OUT OF HERE!
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AAAAAH!
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>> O'Brien: WOW.
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>> Beckles: YEP.
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COMING UP, KEVIN'S MAKEOVER
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RESULTS.
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>> O'Brien: ROM-COM MASTERMIND
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ROB SPALLONE SITS DOWN WITH OUR
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CASANOVA OF CASUAL CONVERSATION,
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MY MAIN MAN DERRICK BECKLES, IN
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THE LATEST "ONES ON ONE."
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>> Beckles: I FINALLY MADE A
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DREAM COME TRUE AND SAT DOWN
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WITH THE SULTAN OF SEDUCTION,
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AND WE TALKED ABOUT THE MAGIC
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BEHIND HIS FILMMAKING.
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YOUR FILMS ARE LEGENDARY FOR
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ROMANCE.
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WHAT'S THE MOST ROMANTIC THING
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THAT'S BEEN DONE IN ONE OF YOUR
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FILMS?
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>> I SHOT THE WORLD'S OLDEST
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GANG BANG.
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I SHOT A LITTLE 19-YEAR-OLD GIRL
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WITH ALL OLD PEOPLE --
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60, 70 YEARS OLD.
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THE WORLD'S BIGGEST GANG BANG
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PEOPLE THINK WAS 500 GUYS AND A
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GIRL.
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NOT TRUE.
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I SHOT THE WORLD'S BIGGEST GANG
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BANG.
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1 GIRL, 45 PEOPLE -- ALL OVER
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300, 400, 500 POUNDS.
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>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]
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>> THEY WERE EATING PIZZA PIES,
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FOLDING THEM IN HALF, AND EATING
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THEM LIKE SLICES.
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>> Beckles: I WOULD THINK THAT
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YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO EAT ON SET.
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>> THEY DON'T CARE.
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I'M SHOOTING AN [BLEEP]
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THE GIRL WALKS IN WITH STARBUCKS
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THIS BIG.
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>> Beckles: [ CHUCKLES ]
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>> YOU KNOW HOW GOOD THAT IS FOR
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THE SCENE, RIGHT -- OR THE GUY'S
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HOUSE WE'RE SHOOTING IN FOR HIS
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COUCH OR HIS BED?
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NOT TOO GOOD.
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>> Beckles: WHY?
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>> 'CAUSE THEN THEY'LL [BLEEP]
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ALL OVER THE PLACE.
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>> Beckles: GO GET 'EM, ROB.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK IS TRENDING
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NOW?
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>> SPITTING WAS BIG FOR A WHILE.
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[BLEEP] WAS HUGE FOR A WHILE.
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NOW THEY'RE INTO PARODIES, THAT
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ROMANCE [BLEEP]
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DIRTY, FILTHY, NASTY'S WHAT THEY
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WANT.
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>> Beckles: THERE'S TALK OF A
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TEEN CLUB.
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EVERYBODY'S TALKING ABOUT TEENS.
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WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THE TEEN
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CLUB?
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>> I'M TRYING TO OPEN A CLUB
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RIGHT NOW FOR KIDS -- 13-, 14-,
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15-YEAR-OLD KIDS -- JUST MUSIC.
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IT'S MORE LIKE A BABYSITTING
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SERVICE.
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THE PARENTS DROP 'EM OFF, PAY
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$10, COME BACK IN FOUR HOURS,
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AND PICK 'EM UP.
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>> Beckles: I WATCH YOUR FILMS,
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AND I JUST GET TAKEN AWAY.
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I FEEL LIKE A KID AGAIN.
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HOW DO YOU GET SO MANY OF THOSE
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GREAT EFFECTS DONE?
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>> THERE WILL BE A PIÑA COLADA
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MIX OR A HAND CREAM OR SOMETHING
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ON SET THAT WE'LL THROW IN THE
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[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]
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>> Beckles: PROBLEM SOLVED.
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AND WHAT ELSE?OBLEM SOLVED.
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>> THE CHLAMYDIA AND THE
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GONORRHEA AND ALL THAT?
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THE PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT AIDS.
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I'VE BEEN IN HERE A LONG TIME.
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THERE'S MAYBE BEEN SIX CASES OF
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AIDS.
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>> Beckles: HOW MANY BOTTLES OF
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AIDS COME IN A CASE?
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[ BOTH LAUGH ]
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WHAT DO YOU RESPECT MOST ABOUT
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ACTRESSES?
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>> THEY'RE NOT ACTORS AND
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ACTRESSES.
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THEY THINK THEY ARE.
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THEY'RE NOT.
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THEY'RE PIECES OF MEAT TO ME.
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>> Beckles: [ LAUGHS ]
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SPEAKING OF MEAT, WILL PORN GO
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AWAY?
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>> PORNO IS REAL CLOSE TO BEING
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OVER.
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>> Beckles: FOR YOU, FOR...?
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>> EVERYBODY. IT'S OVER.
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AGAIN, EVERYTHING'S BEEN SHOT,
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AND NOBODY'S BUYING THE STUFF
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ANYMORE.
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WHY BUY PORNO IF YOU CAN GET IT
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FOR FREE?
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THERE'S SO MUCH FREE [BLEEP] ON
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THE INTERNET THAT, UH, NOBODY'S
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BUYING VIDEO ANYMORE.
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>> Beckles: AFTER TALKING TO
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ROB, I REALIZED EVEN THOUGH
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PORNOGRAPHY MAY GO AWAY, THE
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VISION AND CARE THAT HE HAS IN
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HIS CRAFT NEVER WILL.
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COMING UP, PAT BLASTS THE
235
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CRITICS OF "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY."
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AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT
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MAKEOVERS.
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>> Roark: AND NOW...
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>> ROMANTIC MOMENTS.
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>> Beckles: [ CHUCKLES ]
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ROMANTIC STUFF.
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>> [ GRUNTS ]
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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>> WELL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
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>> OH, MY GOD.
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>> HUH? IT'S NICE, ISN'T IT?
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>> THIS IS GORGEOUS.
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>> IT'S BEAUTIFUL, ISN'T IT?
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>> IT'S GORGEOUS.
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SO, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO, ANYWAY?
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>> WELL, I'VE BEEN -- BEEN
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TRYING TO GET MY GUTS UP FOR A
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LONG TIME, JULIE.
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UM...
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I WANT TO ASK YOU IF -- IF YOU'D
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MARRY ME.
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>> YES, I WOULD.
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>> YOU WOULD?
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>> LOVE YOU.
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>> I LOVE YOU.
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[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
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[ TELEPHONE BUZZES ]
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[ TELEPHONE RINGS ]
264
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>> WHO THE HELL IS THIS AT 7:00
265
00:07:13,634 --> 00:07:14,334
IN THE MORNING?
266
00:07:14,334 --> 00:07:16,004
>> IT'S 7:00 A.M. IN THE
267
00:07:16,003 --> 00:07:16,773
MORNING.
268
00:07:16,770 --> 00:07:18,810
YOU WANT ME TO PLAY GUESS WHO?
269
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,936
>> THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO DO
270
00:07:20,941 --> 00:07:23,581
IS WAIT FOR MY FINAL WORD AND
271
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:24,547
EXECUTE IT.
272
00:07:24,545 --> 00:07:25,705
>> OKAY, OKAY.
273
00:07:25,713 --> 00:07:27,953
>> YOU WORRY ABOUT WHAT YOU HAVE
274
00:07:27,948 --> 00:07:28,618
TO DO.
275
00:07:28,616 --> 00:07:29,416
>> OKAY.
276
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:30,176
>> OKAY?
277
00:07:30,183 --> 00:07:30,983
>> OKAY.
278
00:07:30,984 --> 00:07:33,454
>> YEAH, OKAY.
279
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:34,253
>> I HAVE TO GO.
280
00:07:34,254 --> 00:07:35,364
>> YOU GET BACK TO WORK.
281
00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,715
>> OKAY, I'LL GET BACK TO YOU.
282
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:38,094
>> SEE YA. I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
283
00:07:38,091 --> 00:07:43,501
AAAAHH! MY [BLEEP] HAND! AAAAHH!
284
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:45,567
>> UNSETTLING.
285
00:07:45,566 --> 00:07:46,796
>> Aaaahh!
286
00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:48,800
Aaaahh!
287
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:51,402
[Bleep] it! Aaaahh!
288
00:07:51,404 --> 00:07:54,714
AAAAHH! [BLEEP] AAAAHH!
289
00:07:54,708 --> 00:07:56,008
>> Roark: STAY TUNED FOR THE
290
00:07:56,009 --> 00:07:57,109
SURPRISE RESULTS IN OUR
291
00:07:57,110 --> 00:07:59,450
"H.P. HOLLYWOOD MAKEOVER."
292
00:07:59,446 --> 00:08:01,346
NOW JEFF DEANE TURNER SNEAKS
293
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,448
INTO OUR MINDS AND WHISPERS HIS
294
00:08:03,450 --> 00:08:05,350
TIPS FOR NOBODIES TO BAG THE
295
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:07,122
CELEB SOMEBODIES.
296
00:08:07,120 --> 00:08:10,660
[ ANIMAL YOWLS ]
297
00:08:10,658 --> 00:08:12,528
>> UH, YOU WERE NEVER VIOLENT
298
00:08:12,526 --> 00:08:14,456
AND YOU'RE NOT A FORNICATOR AND
299
00:08:14,461 --> 00:08:16,501
YOU'VE NEVER USED DOPE, TOBACCO,
300
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,396
OR ALCOHOL, BECAUSE I CAN TELL
301
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:20,028
YOU FOR SURE, MOST OF THE
302
00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:21,943
CELEBRITY YOUNG LADIES WHO ARE
303
00:08:21,935 --> 00:08:24,365
ACTORS OR SINGERS -- THAT'S WHAT
304
00:08:24,371 --> 00:08:26,171
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR, AND THEY
305
00:08:26,173 --> 00:08:28,013
ARE NATURAL, LIFETIME GENETIC
306
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,778
STRAIGHTS NOW, MOST OF THEM.
307
00:08:29,777 --> 00:08:31,747
SO, I'M GIVING YOU, UH, THE BEST
308
00:08:31,745 --> 00:08:33,605
ADVICE -- CASUAL, GO SLOW, AND
309
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:36,624
THE ADVICE I GIVE YOU.
310
00:08:36,617 --> 00:08:38,117
>> Roark: LOOKS LIKE WE HAVE
311
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,348
SOME MAKEOVER RESULTS.
312
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:40,322
>> O'Brien: WOW!
313
00:08:40,320 --> 00:08:42,020
>> Beckles: YEP. REMEMBER KEVIN?
314
00:08:42,022 --> 00:08:43,662
HE WAS BOTH ZEROES IN "007"
315
00:08:43,657 --> 00:08:45,287
UNTIL I STEPPED IN WITH THE
316
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:47,032
"HOT PACKAGE" MAKEOVER TEAM AND
317
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:48,727
BASED HIS MAKEOVER LOOK ON THIS
318
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:49,699
HOLLYWOOD HUNK.
319
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:52,627
HERE HE IS -- 00-KEVIN.
320
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:53,833
WE GAVE HIM A NEW WATCH...
321
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:54,674
>> O'Brien: WOW!
322
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:55,338
>> GORGEOUS.
323
00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:56,665
>> Beckles: ...NEW VELCRO FOR
324
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:57,340
HIS SHOES...
325
00:08:57,337 --> 00:08:58,007
>> GORGEOUS.
326
00:08:58,005 --> 00:08:59,435
>> Beckles: ...THE PERFECT HOOPS
327
00:08:59,439 --> 00:09:00,769
FOR HIS FACE TO BRING OUT HIS
328
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:01,714
BEAUTIFUL NOSE...
329
00:09:01,709 --> 00:09:02,379
>> GORGEOUS.
330
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,735
>> Beckles: ...AND WE LOST THE
331
00:09:03,744 --> 00:09:05,084
BROWS TO GIVE THOSE EYES SOME
332
00:09:05,078 --> 00:09:06,208
ROOM TO BREATHE.
333
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,083
>> O'Brien: [ CHUCKLES ] WOW.
334
00:09:08,081 --> 00:09:09,951
LOOK AT THOSE BABY BLUES POP.
335
00:09:09,950 --> 00:09:12,620
[ LAUGHS ]
336
00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,050
>> Beckles: AND NOW PAT TAKES ON
337
00:09:14,054 --> 00:09:14,794
THE CRITICS OF
338
00:09:14,788 --> 00:09:16,058
"VAMPIRE LOVE STORY" AND THE
339
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,256
NETWORK THAT CANCELLED IT.
340
00:09:17,257 --> 00:09:19,357
>> O'Brien: IT'S MY "P.O.B.
341
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,189
P.O.V."
342
00:09:23,463 --> 00:09:25,403
FACT -- "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY" IS
343
00:09:25,398 --> 00:09:27,268
A LITTLE SHOW WITH A BIG HEART
344
00:09:27,267 --> 00:09:29,137
AND A COUPLE OF DROPS OF BLOOD
345
00:09:29,136 --> 00:09:30,936
FOR GOOD MEASURE, COUGHING UP
346
00:09:30,938 --> 00:09:32,808
BIG LAUGHS IN SITUATIONS THAT
347
00:09:32,806 --> 00:09:35,136
SUCK YOU RIGHT IN.
348
00:09:35,142 --> 00:09:37,652
SAFE TO SAY "VAMPIRE LOVE STORY"
349
00:09:37,645 --> 00:09:39,645
DELIVERS EXACTLY WHAT THE
350
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:41,617
DR. VAN HELSING ORDERED.
351
00:09:41,615 --> 00:09:43,745
NOW, SUGGESTION -- FOR THOSE
352
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,651
DISCREDITING THIS BRAVE,
353
00:09:45,653 --> 00:09:47,993
WONDERFUL PIECE OF ARTWORK, LET
354
00:09:47,988 --> 00:09:51,588
ME SAY THIS.
355
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:55,201
[BLEEP]
356
00:09:55,195 --> 00:09:56,895
>> Beckles: HARD-HITTING STUFF.
357
00:09:56,897 --> 00:09:58,327
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT IN THE
358
00:09:58,331 --> 00:09:59,271
"WRAP-UP ZONE."
359
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:00,726
WHOO! GREAT PIECE, MY MAN.
360
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:01,644
>> O'Brien: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
361
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:02,395
>> Beckles: YOU NAILED IT.
362
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,272
>> O'Brien: YEAH, I USUALLY DO.
363
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:03,770
THANK YOU, MAN.
364
00:10:03,771 --> 00:10:04,401
>> Beckles: NAILED IT.
365
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,314
>> O'Brien: REALLY, I APPRECIATE
366
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:05,765
THAT, DERRICK.
367
00:10:05,773 --> 00:10:06,273
THANKS, MY MAN.
368
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:07,943
>> Beckles: WHEW! MY MAN.
369
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:08,841
>> O'Brien: THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
370
00:10:08,842 --> 00:10:10,142
THANKS.
371
00:10:25,458 --> 00:10:28,698
>> UNSETTLING.
372
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:29,926
>> O'Brien: AND FROM ALL OF US,
373
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:31,060
UH, PLEASE SEND US SOMETHING.
374
00:10:31,064 --> 00:10:32,204
>> Both: DO THE RIGHT THING.
375
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:33,099
KEEP SENDING US STUFF.
376
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,030
>> O'Brien: UH, RIGHT.
377
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:34,574
YOU GOT IT.
378
00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:36,067
[ MID-TEMPO KEYBOARD MUSIC
379
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:37,909
PLAYS ]
380
00:10:50,818 --> 00:10:54,118
>> * HE LOVES THE BIG GIRL
381
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,591
'CAUSE SHE'S WARM AND JUICY AND
382
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,689
NICE *
383
00:10:59,693 --> 00:11:03,133
* HE LOVES THE FULL GIRL,
384
00:11:03,130 --> 00:11:07,070
AND HE WANTS HIMSELF A SLICE *
385
00:11:07,067 --> 00:11:09,337
>> Beckles: ROMANTIC STUFF.
23896
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