All language subtitles for The.Simpsons.S28E19.HDTV.x264-SVA

D'oh!

There's nothing too short
that I can't cameo.

Intramural softball,

where even the most
overweight tubbo

can pretend to be an athlete.

Play ball!

You play ball!

Hey! Oh! Hey! Oh! This guy!

Those Indian Point
Nuclear jerks,

they think they're so great
because their fallout radius

includes Manhattan.

How many Mets games
can you postpone?

Fuggettabowtit!

Hey! Oh! Pizza!

Tattoos! Verrazano Bridge!

Everyone is so out of shape.

It's like watching
maple syrup play softball.

Yeah, Dad hit a home
run five minutes ago

and he's still rounding second.

Let's just call it a triple.

Oh.

The triple, the most exciting
play in baseball.

Except this time.

Fun fact: the odds of a baseball
hitting a bird

are one in a billion,
but I've seen it four times.

We're out of beer!

Burnsie, old buddy,
you care for a cigar?

Oh, thanks, but no.

If I inhale warmed air,
I tend to float away.

You ever think we're watching

the last generation of nukemen?

No one wants to go into
this dirty business anymore.

Fiddle-faddle, nuclear power
is the industry of tomorrow.

Oh, yeah? Says who?

Life magazine,

The Saturday Evening Stenograph,

and Professor Noodle Stroodle

and the Dove Soap
March of Comedy.

Me? I'm thinking of getting
into, uh, to solar.

I won't use it myself,

I'll sell it to the poor
people and the musicians.

Oh, not me.

I vow that nuclear power
will continue

long after my body is gone

and my brain is in a shark
that can walk on land.

I'll educate a new generation
of nuclear workers.

And I'll find those bright-eyed
radio-activists

at my alma mater: Yale.

Hey! Yo!

I'm eatin' Mister Softee
over here!

Hey, kayak on the Hudson!

It's always wonderful

when a successful...

And childless. alumnus returns.

It's delightful how you take
turns sniffing after my money.

Now here's a group that
was established in 1909.

Pfft. I hate modern music.

* To the tables down at Mory's *

* To the place where *
* Louie dwells *

* To the dear old Temple Bar *

* We love so well. *

The Whiffenpoofs.

I'll buy you a new library
if you have them killed.

So many have tried to kill them.

But other smug jackasses
in white gloves

would just take their place.

* We can't be stopped. *

Well, I am here
to offer you money.

I'd like to endow a Department
of Nuclear Plant Management.

Wonderful.

Of course we can't do nuclear.

Our students are
highly-entitled wusses.

You'd be creating a space
for violence to happen.

How about funding a chair
in the non-narrative cinema

of self-identified pan-sexuals?

What? What? What? What? What?!

We also need to hire more deans

to decide which Halloween
costumes are appropriate.

Eight deans should do it.

Is this still
a coven of capitalism

where evil money can acquire
a patina of virtue?

Yes, that's in our charter.

But with an issue
as hetero-patriarchal

as nuclear power,

we'll have to hire
multicultural empathizers,

build a new safe space.

Not so fast.

We insist on a chair of
anti-nuclear studies

and a nuclear-neutral
curriculum pathway.

Absolutely, Teddy.

We run all decisions
past the squash team.

Also the fencing team,
water polo

and Handsome Dan the mascot.

Release me, you hound.

Oh, yeah.

What's happened to this place?

This was the home of ruthless
media disruptor

Samuel F.B. Morse.

Who's his successor?
That fellow?

"Fellow"? That word is
cis-gender-normative, okay?

You're worse than Hitler!

Too late for flattery.

I'm not giving this school
a dime.

Former Bonesman!

Living or dead?

Living, but you'd better hurry.

Engage cloaking device.

Ah, nothing relaxes me
like a stiff drink

from the skull
of Martin Van Buren.

Care for some Pancho Villa?

Ugh. Has everything in this
school surrendered to diversity?

Yale's on its way out.

That's why I started
my own line of colleges.

287 campuses.

We took over all the
old Circuit Citys.

Really?

Using teachers these holier
than thou Ivies fired for cause.

I celebrated Columbus Day.

I, uh, referred to God as "He."

I got five students pregnant.

Hmm, I could start
my own college.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We can't talk business in here.

Just general schemes
for world domination.

Fraternal handshake?

Oh, all right.

You are on my radar.

What you doing, Mr. B?

I never want to see
the word "Yale" again.

We're changing all
our locks to Schlage.

Eh, to be honest, I'm thinking
of starting my own college.

You can make a big fat profit.

A for-profit college?

Eh, that's where I went.

University of Phoenix,
Oklahoma in Washington State.

At least that's where
it was last month.

It moves around quite a bit.

A for-profit college?

You said that already, sir.

A for-profit college?

Excellent.

Kudos.

And now for your
first economics lesson.

So long, suckers!

Boola Boola?

Moola moola.

The world is faster than ever,

and you can't make it
without a college degree.

But for some reason

worthy students
don't always get in.

Students these days don't
have four years to waste

at a fully-accredited
institution.

Burns University will
grab you by the pants

and fling you into
the job of your dreams.

Elder care associate.

Museum manager, nighttime.

TV re-capper.

Burns University
gives you a degree

you can print on your computer.

Out of the sight of the law.

I'm proud to be the first
in my family

to earn non-transferable
credits.

I've made a billion dollars
through ruthless backstabbing.

But now, for no apparent reason,

I seem to be helping
young people.

So start your future today.

Because at Burns University...

Your life gets the full Monty!

What are you laughing at?

Does "the Full Monty" have some
sort of naughty double meaning?

* I believe in miracles *

* Where you from *

* You sexy thing... *

If only our faculty
could be hired so easily.

Oh, but we already
have a faculty: them!

Sir, these people can
barely run the plant,

much less teach on the side.

Smithers, when you think of
teachers, what do you think of?

Low-paid workforce
with no healthcare

in a toxic environment.

And there you have them.

Just pull them off one-by-one
till the power stops.

We'll be fine.

What are you teaching, Dad?

I'm giving lectures on
what I do at work.

Well, what do you do at work?

Well, I...
you know, the button stuff.

Have you prepared
a reading list?

I have to read?

No, it's for them. Whoo-hoo!

But what are you actually
gonna say to them?

I'll start with the
life cycle of the atom.

A baby atom is
called a "neutron,"

when it turns professional,
it becomes a proton.

And if it runs for office,

it's an electron.

Lisa, did you just drink that?

How'd you guess?

No, "sheriously." Oh, wow.

Wow, my first slurred word.

Dad, a college education
is important.

It's my only hope for
getting me out of this...

Pardon me, Mom... dump.

Lisa, go to bed right now.

Oh, keep your pants on,
lady. Dad!

Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad, Dad!

I believe in higher education.

You are a teacher.

If you make a joke out of it,

you are crushing my only hope.

As the good kid here,
I have to point out

she's acting very badly.

For shame.

Lisa, sweetie,
my professor money's

going into your college fund.

Ooh, that's good, I guess.

How much is in it now?

Depends on what we do with
Grampa after he dies.

Just burn me!

Ooh, well, that's the most
expensive option I'm considering.

Welcome to Burns University.

Don't park at Del Taco.

Our motto: Ut uberiores divites.

Well, doesn't that mean
"The rich get richer"?

Ooh, this prestigious school

doesn't need
Latin-translating troublemakers.

You're expelled!

When do I throw this in the air?

You're a professor,
so you don't throw it.

In fact,
you hardly ever wear it.

Geez, I had this custom-made.

Apartheid's over, Lenny.

It worked!

Mm-hmm.

Man, copying is so hard.
Any questions?

Yes. What does it mean?

Uh, what do you think it means?

Remember,
there are no wrong answers.

Well, I would guess that, uh,

three neutrons coming out
when only one went in,

uh, leads to some kind of
chain reaction.

Wrong. There's always
a class clown.

Ten-minute coffee break.

Um, any of you homies want
to sell Schedule I narcotics

to a fellow teenager?

You're a teenager?

What year were you born?

Hey, you're not the cop
around here. I am!

What?

Oh, right, my cover.

Seriously, people.

Some of us are here to learn.

Professor, half-life of
radium, if you please.

Don't look at book!

Ugh. You're crushing me.

What the hell is that?

Guys. You know what?

It's a beautiful day.

Why don't we have class outside?

Yes, that's it. Go on outside.

I'm totally unqualified.
I don't even know

how to get outside from here.

That's the answer!

Oh, wait.

Hey, what's the matter,
Professor?

He don't know
what to teach his class.

Homer's just not cut
out to be a pedagogue.

That's easy.
You just got to register.

Stay away from playgrounds.

Oh, you said "pedagogue."

So this is what
it's like to fail at something.

I can help you, Dad.

Aw, if it isn't
Daddy's little wino.

No, I'm clean. One day clean.

Yeah, I know that tune.

Just come with me.

You don't have time
to learn anything,

but at least you can have
a sense of mission.

I got these for you.

Dead Poets Society,
Stand and Deliver.

Each one a portrait of a great
teacher, told by Hollywood.

Played by stars, each one paid

more than a teacher makes
in a million lifetimes.

I always cry at the end
of Goodbye, Mr. Chips.

Mr. Chips is my name
for my Fritos.

Just watch the movies.

Words and ideas
can change the world.

Oh, look at the world!

It just did a boom-boom
in its pants.

You, you change it.

Go to the woodshop
and make yourself a push broom.

You're gonna need it.

It's not a tumor.

Oh, they were great.
They inspired me.

And the best part
is where they show

the real guy over the credits.

He looks just like the actor
but fatter.

Okay, listen up.

All it takes to be
a great teacher is to care.

And I care.

So I'm a great teacher.

I don't like you,
and you don't like me,

but I'm your only ticket
out of the barrio.

'Comprende, �se'

I understand.
I understand plenty.

Do you know you can
get a hot shower

by hooking up your hose
to your car radiator?

Towel off with the floor
mat and feel like a king.

* Ah, cha-cha-cha, *
* cha-cha-cha. *

Good. Now he can bring the rest
of the Latin Kings in line.

Okay, first lesson.

Always watch out
for a little rod

falling into the back
of your shirt.

I do it, like, every week.

Now remember,
your chair has three levers:

down, back and lock.

Down, back and lock.

- Together.
- Down, back and lock!

Down, back and lock!

Down, back and lock!

Down, back and lock!

Carpe diem!

So, Andre, is it true?

You're dropping out of my class?

May I ask why?

I... well, I...

I-I want to go back to
counseling at-risk teens.

No, Andre. You don't get
to throw your life away.

I'll be here for every class.

Carpe diem.

Carpe diem.

Just what does that
mean, by the way?

Fish for a dime, my friend.

Fish for a dime.

How much are we charging
for hugs, Smithers?

Five dollars. But, uh,
I'll give you one for free.

Quiet.

Monty, I want to buy
the whole school.

But it must include
Homer Simpson.

He is a great teacher.

But first I must find out how
much he's worth to the plant.

I see. It seems I owe you
a hundred thousand dollars.

Great lecture, Professor S.

I finally understand
how gamma rays

turned Bruce Banner
into the Hulk.

Always remember the equation,
"gamma equals green."

Man, I wish
you were my father, Dad.

Uh, Simpson,
I've sold your contract.

No! You cannot stop me
from teaching.

I was going to paint houses
in the summer.

Nothing will stop the greatest
teacher in the world

from painting houses!

Oh, calm down.
You'll be working for this man

at his private estate.

What? Me?

Alone? Without my kids?

Yes.

Sounds good. Who are you?

The owner of more
for-profit colleges

than anyone in the world.

But these students
are going to miss you.

Thank you!

I just want to say,

each and every one of you
gets an incomplete!

I can't hear him. Can you?

Nope.

Love was the test.

And you all passed.

Uh, folks, we'll be
landing at Mr. Verlander's

secret estate shortly.

A flight attendant
will be coming by to put

a blindfold over your eyes.

Cabin crew,
please wipe your memory

and prepare for landing.

Which way do I go?

Uh, use the map!

D'oh!

Homer Simpson.

Voice does not match file
from 1989.

Let's go out

for frosty chocolate milkshakes.

Welcome, Homer Simpson.

Whoa.

Hmm.

Hmm?
You unload your own dishwasher?

Yeah. If you don't,
you get a, a funny smell.

Now, come in.

Are you tired from your trip?

Let's get you a
refreshing cryofreeze.

Rejuvenating, huh?

It opens your pores.

Uh, what happens
if I pee in this?

Are you just asking?

Or did you already pee in it?

I'm asking for a friend.

So what's our next activity?

I hope it's not square dancing.

I'd like you to meet
the rest of my guests.

Hmm.

Homer, say hello to the greatest
educators in the world.

Neil deGrasse Tyson,
astrophysicist.

The Solar System is over four
and a half billion years old.

Jeopardy! champion
of champions, Ken Jennings.

Who is "glad to meet you"?

Financial educator Suze Orman.

You are not allowed
to buy a Mercedes

until you pay off
your credit cards.

Great, now you tell me.

Screenwriting guru Robert McKee.

Welcome to the act three climax,

resolution of story
and subplots.

I expect you're wondering
why I've assembled a team

of the world's
greatest teachers.

To teach something.

To somebody.

Well, there are only six
basic plots.

Rise-fall, fall-rise,

steady fall, steady rise,

black cop-white cop,
and stop that wedding.

Well, here's what I'm up to.

This is Sallie.

And these are Sallie.

And those are Sallie!

And those...

are Sullys.

Robot replicas of
the greatest pilot of all time.

He lost all their bags.
No one talks about that.

You are the greatest
living educators, of humans.

But now you must face
the greatest challenge

of your lives:

Can you teach
an artificial intelligence?

To teach a robot.

Now you've compounded
my interest.

That was a very useful time cut.

Now, let's find out
what's going on.

Leave that to me, Robert.

What's going on?

I'll tell you,
and I won't kill you afterwards.

What? This is a student loan
application.

Mm. Sallie...

Sallie Mae?

The Federal Student Loan
Program?

You're creating an army
of robots so advanced

that they can get student loans.

That's right. These stu-bots...
Or ro-dents, if you prefer...

Will attend the universities
I've been buying up

and funnel billions
of taxpayer dollars to me.

That's it. As Americans,
it's our duty to either

stop evil billionaires or elect
them to the highest office.

Well, we've done it. You're all
up to your polyurethane necks

in debt and heading to Yale.

Follow me.

Boola Boola.

Boola Boola.

Good luck, Homer.

Will I see you at the last
minute saving the day?

Nah, too clich�d.

The Sallies
have blended right in.

We've got 12 productions
of The Crucible going on,

and the deepest Division III
women's lacrosse team

the world has ever seen.

They're perfect students
in every way.

And that's their weakness.

Bleep, blop, bloop.

Bleep, bloop, blorp.

I am a robot, too.

My father was a toaster.

He's in botface.

That's unbelievably offensive.

Microaggression.

Cultural appropriation.

Offensive. Offensive.

Offensive.

Dear Lord, those teachers
made them too human.

You've ruined me.

Well, not completely.

I still have my health.

So, how much will it cost if my
daughter applies in ten years?

$2,000.

That's not so bad.

That's the application fee.
Oh, yeah.

Lisa, do you see them?
The rings of Saturn.

I do.

The question is,
what is five-sixths?

Marge, listen to me.
You can't fix stupid.

You have to kill him
for the insurance.

I've always said
these tags are pointless.

Story's over. Good night.

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

* To the tables down at Mory's *

* To the place where *
* Louie dwells *

* To the dear old Temple Bar *

* We love so well *

* Sing the Whiffenpoofs *
* assembled *

* With their glasses *
* raised on high *

* And the magic of their singing *
* casts its spell *

* Yes, the magic *
* of their singing *

* Of the songs we love *
* so well. *

Release the hounds.

Shh!