Original subtitles

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

As advertised, we now present Midnight Porno.

The broadcaster hopes that all minors are already in bed.

Let's get started.

Here we go...

We are taking a journey that will instruct you in sexuality

the world over. We believe that many of you will be amazed

by what goes on.

Let's start the journey. Let's start right here,

in America. In our city of New York.

ERWIN C. DIETRICH presents

AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 BEDS

You've seen magnificent close-ups of New York a thousand times.

You also know the trendy hangouts on the West Side.

And 42nd Street is as busy and fraught with sex as ever.

But for New York's in-crowd, Lower Manhattan's Greenwich village is where it's at.

Recently, in one of its many tiny, secret clubs...

I was at a black mass, celebrated for an exclusive group of millionaires.

The eternally young Sunella Parker was also there.

There she is. In her element.

Let us pray that all the demons in the kingdom of the

Prince of Darkness will graciously hear us.

That they will rejoice over this unsullied creature

whom today we sacrifice in their honour.

Let the forces of evil delight

in this bloodied sword

and with their mighty power drive and guide the hand

which virtue has weakened

so that the blade of the sword shall cause blood to pour forth

as a refreshing sustenance for their damned souls.

The Holy One, let it be Lucifer the Terrifyer,

in the name of the Penis and of the Vagina,

and of all the glorious Sins,

Amen.

Oh Satan, hear our prayer.

Grant us your strength, so that you may be incarnate

in our bodies which are still too pure.

Allow me, oh sublime Lucifer,

to offer you my devotion.

By this solemn mass in praise of the almighty Satan

that you may find joy in the death of this girl.

In the name of the Penis, and of the Vagina and of all the glorious Sins.

Let us pray, that our eyes and ears delight in sin.

Satan be with you.

Come, oh Lord of Darkness, and fill our minds with evil thoughts.

Let us offer you the genitalia of this virgin.

The virgin womb, the full ovaries and

the fresh bleeding vagina of this shameless virgin.

Her mortal agony and cries of pain will

pleasure our souls.

Oh Satan, bless this mass and free us from all good.

Satan be with you.

Cursed be goodness. Cursed be virtue

and the heavenly kingdom.

Let us pray, that with this chalice of whisky and aphrodisiacs,

the great hour approaches, and takes you.

The time of flesh and blood nears.

The penis grows, the vagina gets wet.

The time for bodily sin fast approaches.

Already, I feel the presence of our Lord, Lucifer.

Come to us, oh Omniscient Almighty.

Come with your flock of fallen angels

and fill our bodies with lust and carnal rapture.

Satan be with you.

Free us from pure thoughts that lead our spirits away

and enable us to indulge in the sinful pleasures

of life with rapture.

Oh Satan, let our lives be blessed with lustfulness.

Let fraud and corruption be our mission on earth.

Lead us into temptation.

Let our righteousness burn in the fires of hell

and the greatest earthly sins be our greatest pleasure.

Take as thine gift the blood of this girl.

We commit the mortal sin of murder.

As we gather here united with you, Lucifer.

Satan be with you.

Be enraptured at his lust for this sacrifice.

He is with us. Give thanks to the Lord of the Damned

so that he makes you his companions in the life to come.

I take this sword in the name of the mighty Lucifer

to cut open the heart of this hypocrite.

Her blood belongs to Satan.

Her body belongs to us.

Her blood shall flow to you in the earth.

Her body shall be our delight.

We need your flesh to be happy on earth.

And our Prince of Darkness, Satan, needs your blood

to hear our prayers.

Chaste virgin, I curse you

and your pure thoughts and your innocent lips.

Your breasts, untouched by a man's hands, I curse.

Your body, as yet unsullied by man's sperm, I curse.

And I curse this vagina

which knows not erotic pleasure.

You have wasted your time on earth.

You shall atone for this with Satan.

Almighty Satan, guide my hand. Farewell, hypocrite.

This is what you deserve!

Satan be with you.

Glorious.

Glorious.

That was just great.

Afterwards, we dined

with the actors.

The young actress who played the victim

financed her studies from such performances.

I was really taken with her.

In the course of the night, she told me

of the many people who took it for real.

You too perhaps, dear viewer?

She also told me about a weird collection campaign

that was carried on in San Francisco for years.

Here's an example.

One warm evening, Sally, a hooker, was approached by Edwin.

She took the clueless guy back to her apartment

in the best part of town. And now? Here we go...

Here we are.

Come in, darling, I'll turn on the light. - Thank you.

This is palatial!

Do you think so? - Indeed I do!

Make yourself at home.

How much will our bit of fun cost? - Who said anything about money?

Oughtn't we talk about it later?

I don't like surprises. How much? - It depends on your virility.

What? - As I said. - The more times, the more it costs?

Quite the opposite. The more times you come,

the cheaper it will be for you. - Seriously? - Yes.

You have my word. - What are we waiting for? - No idea.

Into bed then.

I would like to remove your trousers now. - Please do.

And now we'll find out just how virile you are.

Careful, I'm about to come.

Yes, again, darling.

Yes!

I am about to come again.

Come! Yes!

Go ahead!

I need your load. - I am just about to come.

Go on, you can do it again.

Show me that you're a real man.

You are a force of nature.

Are you coming soon? - Yes.

I'm coming.

I can't do it anymore.

Darling, just one more time.

Thrust!

Oh Well...

Let's see what you've accomplished.

Kudos! Who'd have thought the little man could manage that?

The best things come in small packages.

You really are amazing. - What will it cost?

Don't worry about that.

You managed 2 lots of ten milliliters.

Not bad at all.

There are not many who can do that.

You are a little Hercules.

Thank you.

What's with this mysterious behaviour being played out all over the city?

I have decided to bring the truth to light.

The surprising result of my research

will be shown in a film which we have screened for you.

Today, we introduce Sunella Parker, founder of the Frisco Sperm Bank,

for whom we have a few questions.

How did you come up with the idea of employing girls to collect sperm?

My god! Don't you know what age I am, darling?

I don't know. From the age of 16, a woman's age is no-one's business.

Around 30? - The sperm in the bank is needed for me to immerse myself in

once a month.

The girls collect sperm for my bath.

There is nothing better for the skin.

Believe me, darling, it works wonders on the bodily tissues.

And it's great for the digestion.

That's amazing. It must cost a fortune.

My dear child, how old do you think I am?

27 at the most? - Way off the mark!

I am already 80.

Unbelievable. - It's true. I am 80. - With skin like silk. So inviting.

Serve yourself, darling.

Do what you like. - This is a first. I never had an 8O year old before.

Lick me. - I will.

Keep licking.

Do you want to lick me? - Yes.

You taste so good like a young girl. Delicious.

She was amazing.

She also got me to get sperm for her.

You heard correctly. How was that done?

It was a high point of the trip.

And it was paid.

Dear viewer, I will show you now how it was done.

I waited for my first client.

Pardon. Hey, you! Come back in!

You're in the right place.

So good evening.

If you don't mind.

Come closer. - There you go.

I drank too much.

I absolutely must eat.

Looks appetising.

Lovely.

Kiss me!

Hey, fatso. Off with the trousers! Come on. I'll help you.

I... - Stand to attention, fatso. We're about to get going.

And off we go!

Help! - Quiet. Concentrate!

Oh my god...

That's good.

I think I'm about to come. - Great, fatso.

Yes. I'm coming.

This was the initial trick, but the second follows quick.

You can do it again.

Not so quickly.

Is that good? - Yes.

I'm going to come. - Yes? Fine.

Should I?

Yes, please.

Please! Stop!

So now...

This was the second trick, but the third one follows quick.

I can't do it anymore.

Watch out. I'm coming again. - Shoot your load!

I'm coming!

Now!

Stop, I am empty!

For a first timer, I didn't do badly.

I collected more than 2 lots of ten mls for Sunnella Parker's bath.

Our next destination was Europe in the Old World,

anything but old when it comes to sex.

Evenings, I went to Europe's sex metropolis. In beautiful Copenhagen.

I have already showered. Always be prepared, I say.

Straight away I headed of my search for adventure in the 'Swinging Quarter'.

Waiting for me there was not only a big surprise

but also a great show.

Ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for the Schlamp family,

for this likable threesome.

The Schlamps. Mrs. Schlamp, father Schlamp and little Schlamp.

Now for the big surprise.

At the entrance you got a number.

The numbers are in this hat. I am pulling one out.

Fortune has chosen number 50.

Who has number 50?

Number 50? - I have it!

You're in luck! You may spend a fabulous night

with someone from the audience or a member of staff.

At our expense. Please choose.

We offer something for every taste. How about Ralf, the fire eater?

His tongue work is world renowned.

Or with Olaf, the magician? His hands work wonders.

I don't know.

Alright. I'll take that little cutie there.

You're welcome. Sweet Kristina.

A wonderful choice, I am speaking from experience.

Follow the little one to happiness.

Applause and good luck to the wonderful couple.

And now for something very special.

Where are you leading me? - Come here.

Ladies and gentlemen, in a few seconds you will see a number which

I hope you will find surprising and exciting.

Please be patient and enjoy. Until then, we will entertain you

with music.

Come.

So, there we are.

I'll help you getting undressed. - Thanks.

And off with the trousers.

And now...

Oh yes...

That hurts.

Bravo! - Wonderful! - Yes!

So now... That can't be true.

Let them just look on.

I'd like to take part. - Me too.

What a night. The show went from 6 a.m. to the end.

The little one was simply heavenly in bed.

All things come to an end. My next destination was the Reeperbahn in Hamburg.

Do you know it?

Pay attention.

My dear ladies and gentlemen, I promise you that Hamburg

offers everything there is to be had in the world of sex.

It does not matter what your preferences are.

I got to work straight away.

So much to investigate there!

I ascertained that recently Sadomasochism is getting

more en vogue. There are even certain places

where you can get “special treatment...

I looked for the most well known dominatrix in the city

and asked if I could interview her.

There she is. This type of woman is the object of fantasy of all masochists.

Dressed head to toe in leather.

And a whip.

I am the bride of Satan.

I am proud to be the most sought after sadist in the city.

How long have you been doing this?

I've been doing this 12 years now and enjoying it.

Do you love your job?

I always wanted to torture men.

You wouldn't think so many want it.

It is a real responsibility when you think about it.

All my clients are absolutely satisfied.

That's what I hope anyway, so that they will happily return time and again.

Do you think you are providing a service to society?

My clients are from the best circles in society.

Business people, lawyers,

engineers, even a government minister.

Here they can give their fantasies free rein.

They get spiritually emancipated and the beatings are a tonic

for a sick soul.

They lose their complexes.

And so they find peace, especially through beatings.

They get on better with their fellow man.

It calms their nerves.

And also they get rid of all their bad thoughts,

thoughts that directed at their family and, worse, at society.

Could bode an abyss and a rude awakening for the world.

How do you act with your clients?

Every single one of them requires an individual therapy.

Do it with me. Then you can judge for yourself.

So I did it too and soon found a great liking for the business.

So, you stupid asshole!

There! Keep his arms pressed to the floor.

Today, he will be thoroughly worked over.

Stop whimpering or you'll be sorry.

Stop it! Stop it, I said!

You mangy dog, I know what you need.

You like when I kick, don't you? - Yes.

That turns you on, to feel my boots on your ribs, yes? - Yes.

Do you want more? - Yes.

Then take it, you pig.

You! You son of a bitch.

Good for nothing! Pathetic pig!

I'll show you, you wimp.

Cunt! Wretch!

Motherfucker! There!

Take that! And that!

Cool! So! There!

Now, I will see if you are a man at all.

So. Aha!

What do I see here? A little floppy willy!

Go on. Show that you're a man.

Get hard! Go on!

Otherwise I'll bust your balls.

Get hard!

You horny dog! I'll beat you.

So...

Behave like a wild thing, you pig.

Old swine!

You old heap of shit.

Hurry up and finish.

You are a shit. An ass!

That's cool.

I'm coming!

Pump me full, you horny pig!

Yes!

Do you also have clients who want release in ways other than sadistic ones?

Naturally there are other ways.

The unusual ways

sound interesting. Tell us about an exceptionally unusual case.

Yes, “the baby of the family...

Please, mother, don't be angry. Please, please forgive me.

I know I was terribly naughty but please don't be angry with me.

I am so sorry. From now on I will be good.

I deserve to be punished. - At least you can appreciate that yourself.

Mother, do what you want with me. - You do realize that you misbehaved.

You know you will be beaten? - Yes, mother. - Understood?

Yes, mother. - Take off your pants. - Yes, mother.

What's taking you so long? Hurry. - I'm going as fast as I can.

Faster. - Yes, mother. Don't be angry with me.

Do you deserve the punishment? - Yes, mother, I deserve it.

That hurts. That hurts, mother. You're hurting me!

Ow. Yes, mother, that is so good.

Yes, mummy. Yes, mummy .

Mummy, yes, mummy. Faster, I'm going to come.

Yes, mummy. Yes, darling mummy! Yes, yes!

Yes, mama! Mummy, yes.

Mother...

Everything is fine now. Take my breasts. You may suckle again.

Don't cry. Yes, like that. That's good.

That's lovely. You are a good boy really.

♪ Sleep, my little prince, sleep.

♪ Sleep, little Prince, go to sleep.

♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep.

♪ Go to sleep, go to sleep.

That was only one example of many of the therapies used by Madam Satan

to make her clients absolutely satisfied as she herself said.

I became one of her most devoted pupils, and believe me,

there was still an enormous amount of new things to experience.

She gladly took me on in her practice and even gave me a name,

one that should make me appear even more appealing to clients.

I am the Bride of Lucifer.

But only, to be able to show everything to you live.

Go, you old nag!

You lazy thing. Go!

Stupid old nag, g0 on 90!

Lazy useless crap!

Forward! - Run, you snail.

That's how to do it, child.

- Quick march. Now go!

Go! Gee up!

Gee up! You useless horse!

Come on, you old nag! Get a move on.

Don't pretend to be tired.

Hup! Go! Gee up!

You're not doing it. Now go!

Come now, little one. - Please, mistress. Please, no more.

Bullshit! Get a move on!

Go on, go on!

Gee up! - Please, mistress, I really can't go on.

What kind of a slow old nag are you?

Are you angry at me? - Yes. - Please don't be.

Are you happy at least that you have such a strict mistress? - Yes?

Would you like be our small stallion again soon? - Yes, mistress.

And now you are balanced and content, aren't you? Yes.

And as tangible proof of that, he gave me a generous tip.

Let's leave the world of intellectuals and decadent sophisticates behind us.

Let's travel to Agoa, a gorgeous, primitive island -

untouched by the outside world where to this day ancient rituals

and the most beautiful erotic traditional rituals take place.

The millionairess, Sunella Parker, came with me.

We wanted to witness the marriage of a native to a foreign sailor.

A simple yet gripping ceremony.

As is the tradition, the virgin must be deflowered by her godfather.

Only then may the groom unite with her in body.

Erotically stimulating perfumes greeted the wedding guests

as they arrived at evening time to the wedding.

The ritual required not only that they be witnesses

to the deflowering by an experienced man,

but also that they may withdraw only once the act of love-making by

the bride and groom makes them groan with pleasure.

Then everyone should be satisfied

that the groom knows how to fulfil his marital duties.

The ceremony begins.

He says that they may not be joined until the godfather has

deflowered her.

Now, he says, that the godfather shall do it with the greatest respect for the girl.

In any case, the godfather may not derive pleasure from the deflowering.

That is not permissible.- I feel sorry for him.

We leave the bridal couple with the feeling

that they will be obliviously happy.

How much more complicated our continent is.

Nowadays, people in the developed world

are trying to get back to simple ways of experiencing lustful pleasure.

Masturbation.

In Amsterdam, I partook in an intense course on masturbation.

I will now reconstruct one of these hours,

so that, you dear viewer, can know

what I will submit to for your pleasure.

The man and women were shown not only how to satisfy themselves properly

but also how to use various devices to achieve this.

The next theme is called “Erogenous Zones...

The most erogenous zones of a penis

we shall call A, B and C.

When the driving force, i.e. the masturbating hand,

is flexible in zone A but with a firm grip on zone B glides back and forth in zone B

and this movement is maintained in a rhythmic tempo

and the thumb puts light pressure on C

and we achieve the result S to the power of 2,

i.e. ejaculation, something you otherwise only

experience through the mouth of a woman. Understood?

Mr. Roemer, please come to the front.

Yes. - Please repeat what I have just said.

Yes, I...

Something about sucking'?

I thought as much.

For god's sake, what's the point when you don't listen?!

You'll never learn to wank!

Take your place again, please.

And pay more attention. - Yes.

We're not children any more.

Now I want to see if you paid attention at the class yesterday.

I can't wait.

Herr Fassbinding, come up to the front. - Yes, Miss.

Can you recap yesterday's lesson for your fellow pupils?

I refer to the theme “Sex without Coitus - Theory and Practice...

For sex without coitus, one needs two fingers.

You put the index finger and the thumb at an angle of 20 degrees

and so this...back and forth. - Demonstrate for us.

If you want... Please.

Very good, Mr. Fassbinding.

Please face the class for your classmates to see how well you can do it.

Correct, Mr. Fassbinding. You are doing it perfectly.

Really.

Absolutely perfectly. - Thank you. - See that, Mr. Roemer.

That's what is called a conscientious model student.

Shame on you.

And you with the best of natural abilities.

With a little skill, you would be very satisfied.

Ah well...Enough of that. Please take your place.

And thank you very much. - I think the old girl is hot for him.

Roemer! Come here right now! Stand up.

To the front. - Yes, Miss.

I would like to know if you have finally understood

what sex without penetration is. What was that with the fingers?

Explain to me what one does with the penis.

Well... The man takes two fingers,

and does this. More or less.

Then you make a kind of bow.

And does this to it.

You must explain properly. It comes down to a tenth of a millimetre,

to make an exact angle of 2O degrees.

That is the essential thing...

What's that supposed to mean?! - Pardon me, Miss.

I can't help it. It's been doing that lately

every time you demonstrate with your fingers.

No way! That can't be true!

We want to learn how to masturbate not get provoked over penile stunts.

Let's be serious. Concentrate.

No! - Ah! - Quiet now!

Pay attention. The wrist stays relaxed.

The index finger and thumb form an angle of exactly 20 degrees.

You work them over the penis.

The feeling that you generate is fantastic when you do it so.

Understood? - Yes.

- Continue.

Sit down. - Yes, Miss. - Rascal.

Now we come to the masturbatory aids.

First off the so called “Aerodynamic Bitch...

This lubricant goes with this.

You put this on the penis.

It makes the penis sensitive and able to glide in easily.

We then put the penis in here.

Using this balloon, the air which was in the glass, is removed.

The penis grows bigger in a vacuum.

Got all that?

Yes. - Good.

Mr. Roemer. Come here.

Don't worry, come on.

Yes, Miss.

Hold that for a moment, please.

I will demonstrate the “Aerodynamic Bitch" if you like.

First take about 10 grams of lubricant.

Rub it onto the penis

until it is smooth and sensitive,

and erect also.

Yes, that's fine.

I'll show you something special.

The “Tiffany Grip". A rhythmic movement with the grip

that makes every penis enlarge. You can bet on that.

We'll be learning that in one of the next lessons.

That's really good.

Quiet. - It's still good.

Sure, Mr. Roemer. You're improving.

Thank you, Miss. - Look at this.

Erect. There is only the Tiffany Grip to thank.

Give that to me.

Now the penis is inserted.

Perfect.

Now you must pump all the air from the glass.

I'll show you.

Notice how the penis continues to get bigger and stiffer.

Due to the vacuum it gets more and more erect.

An interesting device, isn't it? - Yes.

Miss, I am about to come. - Alright. We'll stop.

It's a wonderful tool, isn't it?

Yes.

Now we turn out attention to one of the most important developments

in the world of sex - the blow-up doll.

She's quiet and never out of sorts.

An ideal woman in many relationships.

Dear students, this woman has more to offer than you think.

Look here: ideal for oral sex.

No real woman has breasts like that.

Soft labia.

And there's an opening to the rear.

The second hole. Mr. Fassbinding, please come here.

Sure, Miss. - Let's try it.

Put your penis in firmly in hole No. 2.

Understood? - Ok? - I'll help you.

You have to raise the legs.

Now you have the right angle.

That's perfect.

Legs UP-

Hold firmly. - She is unruly.

I don't think she wants to. - It depends on the angle.

I can't find the opening.

It's in front of you. Put it in fully. - Yes, Miss.

She likes that. That's right.

Now we've got it. You've doing it very well.

One, two. One, two... Look how beautifully she smiles.

One, two. One, two...

This lady is always ready to be taken and is getting more popular.

You have seen only one of the possibilities for her uses here.

Enough of vigorous sex for today.

The women shouldn't be sold short.

Ms Ellis, please come to the front.

Excuse me. - Gladly.

Yesterday we practiced sex without coitus for women.

Could you demonstrate?

Dampen 2 fingers with spit.

Then, you part your legs like this.

Sensitively massage the labia and the clitoris.

Like this. Until you can't take it anymore.

Only then, put your fingers inside you.

Deeply. - Well done.

Now the "Customizable Penis".

Show how it's handled.

It's easy. The penis in one hand

and the pump in the other. - Correct?

Yes.

Look at the size of it. - Yes. Very adaptable.

This thing is great. Getting more interesting all the time.

Quiet! - Why suddenly so nasty?

He's right.

Yes, it can be enlarged to suit every preference.

Great. - A remarkable object.

Show it to me, please.

Divine. - Yes, yes...

Thank you. You can return to your place.

And today, something exceptional.

The well known Sunella Parker is here and

will tell us about an interesting way of pleasuring yourself.

This is found only in the Far East.

Can you come to the front, Sunella?

With pleasure.

I will demonstrate to you how the Dervish pleasure themselves.

This method is employed all over the Middle East.

It's best I demonstrate it for you.

The highest level of concentration

and physical relaxation is required.

Without being touched, the body achieves orgasm

through the power of erotic thoughts.

I prefer the customizable penis.

That doesn't matter to me. I shall show you

how I can experience an orgasm

using particular erotic images.

I need absolute silence.

I have to conjure up erotic fantasies in my mind.

Yes, there they are.

Do you see? I have orgasmed.

The power of the mind. - Bravo!

Marvelous.

And so we finish the hour for today. - I protest!

I strenuously protest. What about me?

You're only concerned with totally normal men and women.

In fact there is a third sex.

True? Shouldn't you think of us, too?

We also want something to satisfy us.

We have thought of that as well.

It was intended for a later lesson but why not do it today?

Don't be impatient.

I have something very special that will certainly satisfy you.

Please. - Oh that's so sweet.

The "All-Purpose Penis". Would you like to try it?

Now? - Oh yes.

Yes?

Then let's see if you can stand it.

Lovely. Oh yes..

Beautiful...

Thus everyone gets their end away.

For some richer experiences, I flew direct from Amsterdam to the Orient.

The practices of the Dervishes

has fascinated me.

I wanted to explore this world which is so unknown to us.

The secrets of this ancient place

are kept to this day from the eyes of westerners

and concealed in the tents of the Arabian Nights.

Should your path ever lead you to the Orient

and if one day it is possible for you

to step on the threshold of this impenetrable land,

then you too will learn the wonder of chaste love.

It has happened to me.

And so, dear viewer, our porno program has come to an end.

I hope this broadcast has made you horny.

Like it has me. So how was it? Do it with me.

I want to try some crazy stuff by the next broadcast.

Whoever is into that, contact the broadcaster immediately.

I am waiting.

No matter if you're man or woman, or both.

Ciao!