Original subtitles

The Mayans, the most developed civilization in Central America,...

...who invented the solar calendar, the water channels,...

...the folded piece of paper put under wobbly tables and the velcro diapers,...

...had to leave their land because of draught and terror.

They set sail and passed the Strait of Gibraltar.

They picked up two awards in Cannes and they reached The Byzantine.

They settled in an empty lot near Bagcilar,...

...and they blended in with neighboring Turkish tribes.

After a while, they adopted the Turkish traditions.

This made The Byzantines even madder.

Living next to a perfect civilization...

...was too much for The Byzantines, whose national sport is envy.

They set their evil plans in motion to destroy the Mayan civilization.

Welcome to the 69th Byzantine Games!

-Brother... -Yes, Donutella.

Today, they will make you fight someone called Lion Heart Richard.

I see. They couldn't beat me for the past 30 years,...

...so they hired a foreign player.

It doesn't matter. I've seen many lionhearts.

Watch your ass anyway.

Okay, don't worry. You can leave now.

Don't leave our parents alone in the box.

One can never tell what those damn Byzantines are up to.

Dude, I told you to put oil on me, not to perform a colonoscopy.

Okay.

Dear sports fans, I give you...

...the Byzantine King Clitor III and his wife Clitoria V!

And Princess Draftia!

Now, it's time to welcome our guests. -Ghazi! Ghazi!

Tribe leader Ghazi Magosa, his wife Lady Gamma and their daughter Donutella.

Ghazi Magosa, do you need anything?

We The Byzantines are not as hospitable as you are.

Please excuse us.

Thank you, King Clitor. We're fine, don't worry.

Then let the final match begin!

In the red corner: Renowned wrestler, prominent in three continents,...

...heir to the Mayan throne, Hitandrunis.

Bless your mustache!

Olivia, is this the mighty warrior called Hitandrunis?

Yes, my dear princess.

They say this warrior never falls flat. He can never be defeated.

And he never spits on the ground.

By the way, it's rumored he's very good in bed.

Even when he comes back exhausted from a battle...

TMI, Olivia.

Bless your mustache!

Bugger off, Byzantines Bugger off.

Like a herd of bloody swine That refuse to leave the trough

You won't win this evening So, you bastards bugger off.

Like a herd of bloody swine That refuse to leave the trough

You won't win this evening So you bastards bugger off.

My dear older brother and my king.

The Mayans have brought flares to the arena again!

Passionius! You gave us bad seats since we're the visiting team.

You should get over it.

And they put a net over the bleachers. As if there's a lion in the arena.

We'll see about the lion.

And in the blue corner:

Wrestling for The Byzantine for the first time,...

...Lion Heart Richard.

This Lion Heart Richard must have sneaked off...

...once he realized he was going to lose.

Don't worry, Lady Donutella. We'll see who's going to sneak off.

What?

What the hell?

What's going on, King Clitor?

Isn't my son in the arena for oil wrestling? That's a real lion.

That's alright. We oiled the lion.

We were told he was going to fight Lion Heart Richard.

That's true. The lion's name is Heart Richard.

Traitors.

And now, the battle begins.

Lion Heart Richard is checking out his opponent, just like a lion.

Brother!

You may be the king of the forest, but I'm the king of the world!

In the name of God!

Your lion is also a coward, just like you! Well done, Byzantine!

Hitandrunis does another cartwheel.

-Hitandrunis, catch this! -What the hell is this, Inventaur?

My new invention. It's a stick with a light.

-What? -Point it towards the ground.

Press its button.

Brother, catch this!

Passionius, what's going on?

You said he was Lion Heart Richard, but this is just a cat.

Dear majesty. This animal devoured four guards on the way here.

So, he's full, and he wants to play.

Passionius, what's going on? What is this light?

Run, run!

THE BYZANTINE GAMES

-Cut it off! Enough! -Why, darling?

What a lousy emperor you are!

Your queen was attacked on your own land.

And you are cheering!

What can I do, my queen?

My hands can't help but applaud the Mayans. Look.

Look. -Okay!

Enough with your Oriental obsessions, Clitor.

How can one not admire them? They are perfect in every way.

In music, in sports, in economics, in CrossFit...

For better, for worse, in sickness and in health...

I love their jokes. I love their humour.

I just love them. They're a very advanced civilization.

I can't help but applaud them. Such an advanced civilization.

To hell with an emperor like you! You're like a Mayan among us.

To hell with a brother like you. A Byzantine shouldn't be like that.

Passionius. You need to ascend to the throne, Passionius.

We must defeat those Mayans. -When I ascend to the throne...

...you're going to be the queen. That's what you're after, right?

I'm already the queen, idiot.

His son Prince Adonis is also our rival. Don't forget that.

Let's get rid of these bandages first. We can take care of that as well.

Adonis?

-Yes, Eftelya? -Hi.

I was wondering if you could help me practice for the martial arts exam.

I'd love to, but I'm not good at martial arts.

But you are the best student at this school.

You must be very good at martial arts.

I'm a man of peace. Fighting is not my thing.

Adonis!

I get good grades, but...

...I know nothing about fighting. I don't like it.

I want brotherhood, friendship, love...

Son of a bitch.

Brotherhood, friendship... What was I saying?

I don't know how to fight. Find someone else to practice with.

Your highness.

The BIA Director Informatus is back from his mission to spy on the Mayans.

-Send him in. -As you wish.

Clitoria, does Informatus visit you in your chambers often?

Save your jealousy for your brother.

All in all, Informatus is the director of the Byzantine Intelligence Agency.

Last month, I sent him on a mission to spy on the Mayan civilization.

-Your highness. -Informatus.

-Commander in chief. -Informatus.

-Guard. -Your highness.

-Guard. -Commander in chief.

-Guard. -Dear director.

Guard! We are not saluting you! Get out!

My apologies, ma'am.

Informatus, how was the assignment?

Dear majesty, I'm sorry to tell you that...

...the Mayans are a civilization well beyond their time.

Especially the men. They bring flowers home every night.

We grow flowers just to trample them. Do they take them to their wives?

-Yes. Exactly. -You're wrong, Informatus.

There's no way those nomads are civilized.

No. They really are.

They don't even poop under the trees or by the city walls, like we do.

They have dug tunnels. -Tunnels?

-Why did they? What is this bullshit? -Exactly. It's shit.

They call it "sewage". -Enough of this shit talk.

How do they heat and light their homes? Tell me.

They use solar energy.

And they are good at agriculture. Especially with tea.

-Douchebag! Cut the crap! -Yes, bag. Tea bag.

We've picked enough earl grey. Let's pick some blackberry tea.

They have actually made bags of tea.

-What do they eat and drink? -Their diet is completely organic.

-Smoking? -Only when they drink.

-Alcohol? -Only when they smoke.

-Women? -Only their wives.

-Lying? -Only white lies.

-What about their sexual performance? -They are perfect.

They hump all night long.

You were great as always, darling.

If you're not going to sleep, can we do it again?

Sleep? Honey, I'm not a Byzantine man.

I won't turn on my back and sleep after three rounds.

Wait a second. I'm ready.

Everyone has at least three kids.

See, Passionius? That is a real man.

Is this all you care about?

Anyway. We need to continue our observations.

Come on!

It's tasty as a peach.

Are you a loser? Are you a Byzantine?

-Dear majesty, are you comfortable? -Shame on you, Informatus.

Is this proper disguise? I've never seen a purple cow.

Mayan cows are generally purple. They provide both milk and chocolate.

That's why.

Look at us. Our cows are too lazy to ruminate.

And Mayan cows almost make chocolate strawberry fondues.

Attention please!

Young men who are going to arm wrestle with Lady Donutella! Get in line!

Whoever manages to defeat Lady Donutella,...

...Lady Donutella will give him...

...her heart.

That's the reason for the fair.

Ghazi Magosa is trying to set his daughter up with someone.

Come on.

Shall we go and check? But I think we'd better "moo" to blend in.

Oh, sure. Find a bull to mate with too. You're at the back, after all.

I wonder if anyone will be able to beat our mad girl.

I hope so. Otherwise, she won't be able to get married.

Arm wrestling to choose a husband! -Well...

Wow. I guess my fate is to be the wife of this man.

Anyways. He doesn't seem so bad.

Sweetheart. That last guy was tough. Marry him.

No, mom. I won't give my heart to a man who cannot beat me.

For God's sake.

Read all about it!

Read about the latest Byzantine tricks!

I prepared a rock solid newspaper, but no one is buying it.

Get out of my way.

If the Mayans are a superior society,...

...that's because of the support of the Mayan women.

I want those Mayan women gone, Passionius. Take care of it.

Get out of my way.

I have a plan, but first, we need to get rid of your brother.

Who's there?

Show your face! Or else, you won't have a face to show!

Wait, son. Easy. It's me.

What's up, father? Why are you here at this hour?

I went to Mayanbucks to see what the young ones are doing.

I couldn't see you, son. I got curious. -I've had enough of that place.

All the same teenager subjects. Love and stuff.

I came here. It's better out here.

Don't you ever think about sleeping?

I'm not a child. Why are you trying to put me to sleep at this hour?

It's too early. -Not that kind of sleep, bastard.

Girls are crazy for you.

Are you thinking about sleeping with someone before we go extinct?

-Father, you know my stand on this. -Screw your stand!

I'm having enough trouble with your stubborn sister anyway.

At least you should get married, so that our name lives on.

Please don't force me. That's not how it works.

"Please don't force me. That's not how it works."

What are you doing?

You're the great tribe leader. Look at that mouth of yours.

-You still couldn't forget her, right? -Who?

Nergis? I don't know anyone by that name. I forgot Nergis' name.

It's over! Do you understand? It's over! Nergis? It's over!

Don't make me break my promise!

Easy.

I'm okay. It's okay.

I'm sorry, father, but Nergis is dead to me now.

Dead. Nergis is dead to me. "Es gibt keine Nergis."

"Keine" my ass.

Jackass.

"Nergis is dead to me." Then what is this?

Here is our plan: I'm going to keep him busy.

And you're going to stab him right in his back!

-Okay, sister-in-law. -Sister-in-law?

Watch your mouth!

Hide. He's coming.

"Sister-in-law", he says!

Darling. The moon is so beautiful, right?

Let me see. Crescent. And there's a little star next to it.

This would make such a good flag. Let me pitch that to the Mayans.

I've had back pain back all day. Look, it hurts when I look up like this.

Here it is again! The pain! It's like a blade!

-Dear majesty, that's a real blade. -Really?

I wish I had asked for something else from Zeus.

-Like what? -I don't know.

-Get well soon. -Thank you.

This gas will cure your pain, dear brother.

-Why is this liquid special? -It's combustible, your highness.

-What about efficiency? -7 liters in 100 kilometers.

-That's too much. -Enough! Damn thing!

I've never seen anything like this.

Look how nice he is. He just doesn't die.

-Be careful. Don't burn your hand. -Why don't you die?

Let me light you on fire. Take that! See?

Screw your niceness! My love, throw him down.

Et tu, Passionius?

Your majesty, unfortunately, it's a heart attack.

What have I done to deserve this pain? What have I done, brother-in-law?

There's no point in beating ourselves up.

It's Zeus' will. -Sure.

The ceremony for the deceased will be held...

...at the Tesvikiye Square tomorrow after lunch.

May God bless his soul.

Take me, brother-in-law.

Get your hand off of me.

Here, sir. Your receipt. The first 15 minutes is free.

You have visitors, sir.

Excuse me, but you have a message from our queen Clitoria.

-What's that next to you? -He's an SMS.

King Clitor is dead. We are going to hold a ceremony.

Oh, really? I'm so sorry. I loved King Clitor so much.

Messenger! Give our condolences to your queen.

All Mayan men will be at the Tesvikiye Square tomorrow.

I have a bad feeling, Bagelina.

I feel like someone is going to ambush us.

Let's bathe first. We'll feel better then.

You're right.

Did you hear that, Sergeantus? They're going to bathe.

-What's a bath? -That thing we had when we were born.

Naked and wet. -I remember.

-Duck. -Okay.

Is it working?

Cool! We can bathe!

-Dirtius. -Yes?

-Do you hear that? -Hear what?

Listen carefully.

Look, it sounds like someone's asking for help.

Do you see, Fortis? A sight for sore eyes.

-I'm so excited right now. -I can tell.

They are going to be mine.

I'm going to jump on their backs. I'm going to whip them.

They're going to see us! Hide.

-Donutella. -What is it, Bagelina?

I think someone is watching us.

We're busted!

Go ahead, girls. Bathe. We're not looking.

Do it.

Get out of here! Right now!

Tie your hair. It's hard to understand what you are saying.

Haven't you ever seen a woman...

...singing under the waterfall, doing sexy dance moves...

...while caressing herself in a provocative manner?

Why are you turning them on?

Look! Get the hell out of here now!

Or I'll punch so many holes in you that you'll turn into shower heads!

First, you'll need to go over there butt naked and get dressed.

Take it.

Come on. Okay, we're not looking.

Boobies...

Okay. Turn around now. We're going to get dressed.

-Come here, we'll get you dressed. -Yes.

Don't be scared. We're from the Make Love Not War Battalion.

We're trained!

I've never heard of such a battalion in The Byzantine.

-Prince Adonis is here. -Damn it.

Shame on you!

You're peeping on two Mayan women bathing quietly.

Normally, it's not shameful, but when you put it like that,...

...I'm having second thoughts. -Why are you still here?

-We only saw a pair of boobs. -Go away!

Here are your clothes.

I apologize on behalf of my soldiers.

If there were no extenuating circumstances,...

...I'd have them executed the minute they return to the palace.

Extenuating circumstances?

Of course.

When confronted with such pure beauty,...

...only a blind man or half a man would turn away.

Such insolence!

I'd welcome death at the hands of such a beautiful woman.

But on the other hand, when I have just met you,...

...dying would be the biggest sin, right?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a funeral to go to.

Donutella, he defeated you. He defeated you.

Okay. Cut it short. I was blindsided.

Yes. The men are gone. It's our turn now.

Show yourselves, brave Byzantine soldiers!

May Mercury bless you!

Take all the women.

If anyone resists, spray mango gas in their eyes!

Come at me! Come and get me if you can!

I'll rip you apart!

Round up everyone with boobs!

How does he dare? And he's a Byzantine prince.

Who knows? Maybe you'll be a Byzantine princess one day.

I take this as an insult.

I have nothing to do with such an insolent man.

Bagelina. This silence is no good.

Catch those Mayan bitches!

Get back, bastards!

Hey.

Did you change your hair? Something's different.

Oh! Have you noticed?

Of course I have. I'm a metrosexual Byzantine guy.

Let us go! Let us go, jerks!

Fight like men!

User manuals! Let me go!

Mortal world.

Just live this sweet dream.

-I'm sorry for your loss. -Thank you.

I would never have guessed that I would shed tears for my brother.

These Mayan onions helped a lot.

Thank you.

Speaking of the Mayans... The Mayan women are kidnapped, right?

Informatus is about to come back. He'll bring us news.

-Where is this Informatus? -He'll be here soon.

Okay.

Your highness, I have good news. All the Mayan women are arrested.

-I'm sorry for your loss, your majesty. -Thank you.

I loved late Clitor so much. He was a great king.

My wife Lady Gamma baked a cake in memory of the deceased, your majesty.

Please give her my dearest thanks.

Of course.

-Kids, I'm so sorry for your loss. -Thank you.

See, Passionius?

Draftia and Adonis are late even to their father's funeral.

I'm sorry, your highness. I guess we're not as enthusiastic as you are...

...when it comes to bidding farewell to our father.

-Such a babbler! -Okay, Draftia.

Don't forget that you're talking to a queen.

Don't you forget that you're talking to the king's children.

-I'm sorry for your loss, ma'am. -Thank you.

My father used to speak highly of Mayan heroism.

May he rest in peace.

-Yes. Now, it's time for the burial. -We'll handle it, brother. Don't worry.

Guys, come on. Let's give a hand for the late king's coffin.

Come on, heroes!

It's so heavy, like a dead horse!

Turn it.

Turn it. There's water here. -Turn it.

Am I seeing it right?

Are the Mayans carrying a sarcophagus weighing 3000 pounds?

I don't get it either. I don't know if I should laugh or cry.

-Idiots! Shorties! Stinking Byzantines! -Move it!

You are only brave enough to harass women? Godless whales!

Rats! Let us go!

Inglorious dumplings! Lords of the pricks!

Insufficient funds! Hideous jerks!

Rear wheel drives!

Bastards. None of them said the sarcophagus weighed 3000 pounds.

My back hurts so bad, chief.

I'll ask my wife to excuse me tonight. I'll go to sleep after two rounds.

Hitandrunis, don't you think the village is way too quiet?

Sir! Sir, our women...

-What happened to our women? -They left.

-What do you mean? -They just left.

They left us all alone!

What did you say?

-They're not here. There's no one. -What do you mean?

-They ran away, sir. -How did they run away?

-They are gone, sir. -Where did they go? How?

Daddy...

How? How?

Ghazi Magosa, you know how I always get straight to the point.

I'm leaving you.

How can you leave? How?

Pretty easily, actually. I'm leaving you all by yourself.

What about my daughter? My Donutella?

I agree with mom.

I couldn't find a decent man for myself. I'm going to the Wild West.

It's not you, it's me, Tacettin. You are too good for me.

I need time. Maybe this is the best for the both of us.

I'm into women now. That's why, I had been licking my own boobs.

Just like The Byzantines said, marriage is the end of love.

I thought I should leave, and I'm leaving.

If it weren't for your letter, If it weren't for your words,

No one would have believed That we had broken up.

You never forget the heartache.

It's impossible to live Forgetting everything.

What was it that kept us together? What was it that joined our hands?

Don't tell me about our impossible love Loving means taking chances.

If it weren't for your letter, If it weren't for your words,

No one would have believed That we had broken up.

Nergis. Nergis...

Yes. Finally.

Here is your crown, your majesty. As I promised.

What the hell? What is this? Don't you have a smaller one?

Take this thing off my head. -It's upside down, your majesty.

In honor of my coronation, gladiator fights shall be organized.

Everyone shall die. The winner shall also die.

Now, get the hell out!

I want to have fun by myself!

If it comes back, it's yours.

If it doesn't, we can write it off as an expense.

Father, what are you doing?

-Cacik. -Whoa!

What else can I do, son?

Since your mother's gone, I have to do everything.

She got mad at me because I didn't help with the cooking. That's why she left.

You're wrong, father. My mother didn't leave you because of that.

No. I know that's why.

She'll come back as soon as she smells the cacik.

-She won't come back, dad. -She will, son.

-She won't. -She will!

She won't come back. Do you understand? She won't.

My mother and the other women and Nergis won't ever come back!

They won't! -Screw your mother!

Sorry, father. I didn't mean to upset you.

But women are not like boomerangs. Once they leave, they never come back.

Thank God that time is the best medicine.

Look at me, for instance. Look how I got over Nergis.

You will too. -You never got over her!

The idiot left.

He didn't notice the drawing. -You did a great job.

This is the best I could do with eye pencil.

The guards have left, Lady Gamma.

Donutella. How is the tunnel coming along?

I believe we'll reach the exit today.

Digging with a hairpin was hard, but the tunnel is perfect.

Okay. When are we going to escape?

We're not. Me and Bagelina thought that we could go.

If we all leave, it'll be noticed. We'll go and get help.

The tunnel can't handle this much traffic, Lady Gamma.

-Okay, but be careful. -Don't worry.

Donutella.

Do you think we overdid this tunnel? -It's okay.

Consider it as a Mayan gift for the future captives.

Let's go.

I think we might be walking too slowly.

I had bought this for my dowry,...

...but since there are no men in The Byzantine to marry,...

...at least it can decorate my father's tomb.

-Draftia. -Yes, brother?

I smell a rat in our father's death.

What? A rat killed our father?

No, not like that. My father may have been the victim of a murder.

I'm not sure. It's just a feeling I have.

Dear father. If you were the victim of such a plot, give us a sign.

Holy...

Run, girl.

Whoopsie daisy.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing inside my father's sarcophagus?

Wait a minute. You're that girl from the waterfall.

-Yes, it's me. So what? -I couldn't recognize you in clothes.

What are you doing here? -What do you think?

We're trying to escape from the cellar. The one you put us in...

...with the other Mayan women. -Did they put you in a cellar?

They know nothing.

When our men went to their father's funeral,...

...they came to the village and took our women and children.

They're embarrassed. They act like they don't know a thing.

Wait a minute. Am I getting this right?

You were kidnapped when we were at our father's funeral.

Then, you were put in a cellar. And you dug a tunnel to escape, right?

Exactly, dear.

Draftia, did you know about this?

No, I didn't. Guards!

Come at once! The captives are escaping! Guards!

-Stay where you are. -Bastards!

-Guards! -Bastards!

I should have known you were going to do that.

What else could we expect from you?

-Guards! -Wait. Wait, what are you doing?

Go!

-Stay where you are. -Don't do something stupid.

Drop your weapon slowly, Mayan girl.

Kick it. Send it over here.

Come on. Move it.

Easy. Don't be rough.

Don't forget about the Geneva Convention on Human Rights.

Don't step on the green.

I'll kick your ass later. Fancy Daisy!

Brother, did you hear that? She called me "Fancy Daisy".

Fancy Daisy!

Easy, girl. I'm so confused.

-Move it. -Let me go!

Move.

Chain her, Sergeantus. Come here!

This is The Byzantine! There is no escape from here!

Who are you to put me in chains?

Humpty Dumpties! Thrombocytes!

Ruptured breast implants! Assholes!

-Doctor Autopsys. -Dear prince and princess.

Good day. We are here to...

I'm curious about my father's death.

I thought the palace doctor said it was an heart attack.

I know that, but we need a detailed report...

...for the paperwork regarding our inheritance.

You know Byzantine bureaucracy. -Tell me about it. Okay, I'll do it.

But the autopsy might take a few days.

Okay. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Good luck.

Let's go, Draftia.

Vivor. I dub thee "Sir".

From now on, your name is "Sir Vivor". -Just a minute, your majesty.

Hey. It sounds nice.

Dear general. I dub thee "Motor".

From now on, your name is General Motors.

Put on your helmet.

And get a haircut.

Now, take your new titles and get out.

Hey, soldier. Come here.

Throw Sir Vivor to the lions.

Let's see how long he will be able to keep his title.

Get out of my way!

Oh, I laughed so hard!

Laugh while you can.

We are losing the empire, and you are laughing.

We have lost so much time.

We need to start the second part of our plan immediately.

-We have a plan? -Get out of my way.

I'm trying to tell you something.

Why did we put the Mayan women in the dungeon, idiot?

In order to alter their genetic codes. In order to mix their bloodline.

That's the second part of the plan. -What are we going to do?

Are we going to lay under the men?

Not us, but someone else will do it for us.

For example, the Matryoshkas.

The Matryoshka Tribe will mess up the bloodline of the Mayans.

They will also confuse them.

They will never be able to pull themselves together again.

Civil wars, corruption, interest wars, sectarian violence, clans, mafia...

They will have it all! I want it all!

Don't laugh harder than me.

All these years, I've been blue, Woman, nothing can replace you.

100 years would make no difference I'd still miss her.

1000 years would make no difference I'd still miss you.

She's no good for you anymore, Don't get too close to her.

It would make no difference anyway. She doesn't love you at all.

It would make no difference anyway. Be a man and leave her alone.

But I missed her so bad. I'm no good, I know that.

Who cares, I just missed her. In every face, I look for her.

What if she has a lover? What if she is engaged or married?

I don't care, I missed her so bad. I know that I'm ill bred.

Who cares, I missed her so bad. In every face, I look for her.

What if she has a lover? What if she is engaged or married?

I don't care, I missed her so bad. I know that I'm ill bred.

Who cares, I missed her so bad. If I saw her one last time, I'd be glad.

She won't remember you. She won't care about your tears.

Hello, handsome men. Good day.

Who are these women, son?

We are from the Matryoshka Tribe.

I'm Bacikova. I'm the head of the women.

And I'm Bozukova.

We heard that your women left you.

Out tribe leader has sent us to keep you entertained.

I'll step all over you with my high heels!

Byzantine bastards! I'll gouge out your eyes and hand them to you!

I'll cut your junk and stuff it in your mouth!

I've never heard of such fantasies. She's crazy.

She says she'll cut it.

The prince is coming.

Soldiers.

Is the Mayan princess here? -She is, your majesty.

Open the door. Why are you staring?

Let's see if she is as mad as they say.

She is, sir. She has wild fantasies.

She says she'll walk all over us with her high heels.

And she also says she'll cut our junk and stuff it in our mouths.

You are talking to the Byzantine prince, not your friend from the army.

Open the door now.

Yes, your highness.

Lady Donutella.

Why are you here? Did your mother assign you the duty of killing me?

Look. First of all, she's not my mother.

Second of all, I didn't know that you were being kept here. Don't be unfair.

And I don't approve of all this.

I get it. You're playing "good prince, bad queen", right?

We're not playing any games. Look. I'm here to save you.

If you let me, of course.

I can't unchain you. I need to cut the rope.

The show has begun in there.

I was wondering where the saxophone sound was coming from.

What's going on inside?

That's it.

Your majesty.

Adonis, I'm so sorry. I was unfair to you.

-Adonis. What is going on here? -Well...

Can I ask why you set this Mayan captive free?

My dear nephew and stepson, Adonis.

Dear uncle. I set her free because...

Well... I just wanted a Mayan chick.

See, Clitoria?

Adonis is way more outgoing than his father.

-I see. Just like his uncle. -You're nothing but traitors!

You're broken condom products! Stupid bastards!

I thought you were on our side. I thought you were not our enemy.

I thought you respected the Mayans.

I thought... -Enough! Pull yourself together.

Don't you understand? I said all those things to trick you.

All of it! But you will enjoy it too.

Do you understand? You're enjoying it.

Now... Your majesty and my dear uncle.

Will you excuse me for a while?

-Oh, you want us to leave. -Yes.

The poor kid is shy. See? Anyway. Let's wait outside.

No. Don't wait outside.

You must have other things to do. I'll be busy for a long time.

No. I want to keep time and score.

You know what I mean? Dear stepson...

If she doesn't obey, you can kill the bitch.

It's my gift to you. -Bastards!

Butters mixed with mashed potatoes!

Whatever you do to me, my brother will make you pay.

Okay. Calm down. I don't want to make love to you.

Why? Don't you like me? Am I not pretty?

Of course you are. You are very pretty.

The kind of pretty I had been dreaming about.

But I want a serious relationship with you.

I'm thinking about what to do now.

If he's anything like his uncle, the girl won't be able to resist.

She'll be all over him. -Shut up. I can't hear anything.

So, what are we going to do now?

-You know what? -What?

We're going to do it in a way that my uncle and the queen will believe us.

-What? -You know, we're going to do it.

When we're doing it...

The noises. -The noises.

The noises.

-Noises. -Okay.

-Just the noises. -Okay. The noises.

-A bit loud. -Okay.

I guess he takes his time getting ready. Just like his uncle.

-"Moo"? -"Moo".

-What the hell is "moo"? -Our cows do that.

Your cows?

Haven't you ever had sex before?

Nonsense. For God's sake... There was this kid in camp last year.

Okay. I've never had sex.

I don't know how to make sounds or anything.

This is really good news, but now, we have to focus.

Okay, you know how you're going to do it?

How?

Think about chocolate. Milk chocolate with hazelnuts.

Now, imagine eating that chocolate.

Okay? Come on.

It's so delicious.

Delicious.

So good.

Great!

I'll kill you anyway, dirty pig!

You can have my body, but not my soul.

What the hell would I do with your soul?

Oh, Adonis... Adonis, you can also have my soul if you like.

Adonis... Adonis...

That Adonis is truly a Byzantine bastard.

Take me.

Cut it. Cut it.

Okay. They're gone. Enough. Enough.

That was enough! You can stop now!

I said they are gone! -Okay, sorry.

I got carried away.

That felt so good.

Look. There are guards by the door.

I can't take you out just yet, but don't worry.

I'll come back and save you from this hell.

Adonis. It was nice pretending to eat chocolate with you.

Thank you. -Don't worry.

Once I get you out of here,...

...we're going to have chocolate fondue together.

Dirty pig.

You'll pay for what you have done to me.

Killer whales!

Listen. From now on, his woman is mine.

She's my slave. If anyone tries to make a move on her,...

...I'll rip their guts out and make flutes out of them.

I'll cut out their liver and heart and feed them to the dogs.

I'll kick their asses.

Understood? -Yes, prince.

-Understood? -Yes, sir.

Wow...

God bless those Matryoshkas. They are helping our tribe.

They used vodka instead of soap, but no problem. It's okay.

Sorry, sister. I guess I came to the wrong place.

No. It's not the wrong place. I did the dishes and the laundry.

I did the ironing. I did the cooking. I milked the cows. I boiled the milk.

I prepared thick cream and added honey.

Would you like me to do anything else?

Just name it. -Thank you so much, sister.

You've done so much already. -Are you sure?

Yes, sister. And it's my final answer.

Come on! I'm a single woman. And you're a widower.

I'm not exactly a widower. Maybe she'll come back.

She's not the only woman in the world. I can be as much a wife as she was.

I'm sure you can, but I won't lay hands on anyone other than my love.

So, you still couldn't forget her.

I forgot her! Do you understand? I forgot her!

Nergis doesn't exist for me anymore!

-What are you doing, son? -I forgot about her!

You are going to make me curse next time!

Come on, sister. Go to bed.

And tell the others: You all are gorgeous women. Gorgeous.

But a Mayan man who's in love with his woman never even looks at anyone else.

Go and sleep in our beds tonight. We'll take the couch.

I'm not sleepy.

There's a rerun of Karagoz and Hacivat. I'm going to watch that.

Good night, daddy. -Good night, son.

Oh, Lady Gamma...

Oh, the Mayan brides...

Come and see how much your men love you.

Passionius. Where did this archery business come from?

You can't do that kind of stuff. This is a Mayan sport.

What do you mean I can't? I'll succeed in this.

Help!

Look, you shot two grapes with one arrow. Congratulations.

-Your highness, king Passionius. -Yes.

Your stepson, and your husband Passionius' nephew,...

...asked for a report from Doctor Autopsys...

...regarding the circumstances of your ex-husband...

...the late king Clitor III's death, who was your new husband's brother.

Wait a minute... My stepson is my husband's nephew.

And my wife's stepson is my nephew.

Adonis.

I guess he has doubts concerning our former king's death.

I told you.

I told you that this kid inherited his father's faulty genes.

-Then his fate will be the same. -It's okay. It can be.

Informatus! Inform the palace hangman.

Tell him to take Adonis to the forest and kill him there.

As you wish, your majesty.

And tell him to bring his heart to me. Okay?

I'll grab my backpack and go south. Far away from the chaos of The Byzantine.

I'll live in the Bodrum Castle, where there's no one else.

Enough! -Bodrum?

Let's go to Cyprus, my dear princess. It would be better.

Come in.

I brought your father's autopsy report.

I can tell you that your father has been murdered.

A vicious murder. Committed in cold blood.

I still don't understand where this hunting trip idea came from, Mortis.

It's the migration season of green headed ducks.

Why does it matter? It's just sports anyway.

But we should only kill as much as we need.

Poor animals.

Don't worry, your majesty. I'll kill just as much as we need.

Yes.

Why are you looking at me like that? -Your majesty. Run away now.

Now! -Why? Are you going to fart?

It's okay. Let it go. We're outside.

No, your majesty.

I had to bring you here and kill you. It's the queen's order.

But your father Clitor has helped me a lot.

He arranged a decent job for me in the palace, with health benefits.

Thanks to him, I was able to chop people's heads off for an honest living.

For all these years. So please, run. I'll tell her that I killed you.

I take a bow before your arrow. You're a real man, Mortis.

Now, it's time to find a heart to bring back to the palace.

So, this is Adonis' heart, you say?

Yes. It's rude to talk behind a dead man, but...

I think he was a bit heartless, your majesty.

Dude, does this look like a human heart to you?

Okay, we may not be as good as the Mayans in science,...

...but we're not idiots. -We're not idiots!

Guards! Take him! He shall chop his own head off!

Mercy! Have mercy! Your highness!

Please don't make me do this to myself! Please! Have mercy!

No mercy for you!

It's not good that Adonis is still alive!

Damn woman! Tell me, what have you done to my brother?

Where did you come from? You freaked me out.

So, you sneaked into the queen's room and eavesdropped.

You should be ashamed.

You'll pay for what you did to my brother, Clitoria.

Do you think I'm afraid of you?

I sent him to the forest to be killed, but the executioner couldn't do it.

And you're laughing. You're supposed to be my uncle.

Uncles are supposed to be half fathers. -I'm the worse half.

Take them to the dungeon.

And wash that filthy Dirtius on a program with a pre-wash cycle.

No, don't wash me!

Rub him!

Have a nice day, ladies. Which way is the Mayan village?

We can show you, darling.

Run, run!

-Brother, where are you going? -I'd like to see Ghazi Magosa.

-Who is this? -The Byzantine Prince Adonis.

Wait.

Testing.

Ghazi Magosa. You have a visitor. The Byzantine Prince Adonis.

Let him in.

Come in, brother.

-Hi, fellas. -Easy. This is their greeting.

Welcome, son of late Clitor.

We're sorry for the formalities.

When all the women of the tribe left us widowers,...

...the women of the Matryoshka Tribe...

...started to come and sleep over without asking.

We feared that our women would hear about it and never come back.

So we took measures.

What do you mean when you say the women of the tribe left you?

Such a tragedy.

When we came back from your late father's funeral,...

...we saw that they were all gone.

They took the kids and left. -Exactly.

We thought this was one of those rough patches you have in relationships.

We're waiting hopefully. -They won't come back. You understand?

They won't! Nergis won't come back!

My mother won't come back!

Daddy.

Usually, I'm not a nosy guy, but who is this Nergis?

Who is Nergis?

Who is Nergis?

Who is Nergis?

-I liked you a lot, Nergis. -I liked you too, Hitandrunis.

Nergis, honey. Come on. We're done here. We're leaving.

I'm coming, dad.

Do you have to leave? We have just met.

Maybe we'll come again. I'll see you then.

-Promise? -Promise.

Nergis didn't keep her promise. She never came back.

That's it, father. Once a woman leaves, she never comes back.

If she's gone, she's gone. It's over.

Don't be silly.

Your women didn't leave you. They are held as captives...

...in The Byzantine. -What do you mean "captives"?

I didn't take them.

My stepmother and my uncle Passionius did it.

Why would they do something like that?

They could do it just for fun, but that's not the main purpose.

Their main purpose is to eradicate you,...

...and to regenerate their bloodline with your women.

How? What do you mean?

So, you say that they're going to...

Exactly.

Their purpose is to screw your women day and night,...

...three times a day, in 72 different positions.

Then they wait and start again. Day and night.

Three times a day, 72 different positions.

Okay, we get it! What a description!

Why are you telling this to us? Why should we believe you?

Because that heartless queen and my jackass uncle killed my father.

I think they did.

If you still don't believe me, here is the proof.

-What's that? -Your sister Donutella's panties.

-What? -Calm down.

You got me wrong.

When I say your sister Donutella's panties...

Your sister gave them to me willingly.

What? What do you mean willingly?

Wait a minute. When I say she gave them to me willingly...

She willingly...

She willingly took off her panties for me.

-What? -Wait a minute.

Let's start over. Please, let me start over.

Your sister gave me one of her belongings so that you would believe me.

It's as simple as that.

Tell me, Gigolopoulos. What assignment did I give you?

You were supposed to rape the Mayan women and...

...knock them up, right?

Your majesty, we did our best, but we failed.

You failed. You failed to do it.

I didn't order you to go to war, I ordered you to have sex.

All you had to do was to rape the Mayan women.

Your majesty, you don't get it. It's impossible.

Their ladyparts are like pencil sharpeners.

They cut whatever gets in. See for yourself.

Drop your pants! Present your junk!

This one is scratched so bad. Poor thing. It's such a shame.

This one's still good.

I think there's no problem with this one.

I can't believe it.

If this is how it looks cut, I wonder what it would look like uncut.

Unbelievable.

Hold that.

This one is fine. This is fine, soldier.

God damn you! Shut up!

Get the hell out of here!

Father, what do you think? Should we believe him?

I don't know, son,...

...but if it's true, we need to save our women from those jackals...

...before they ruin them.

There's only one way to find out if it's true or not.

I'll go to The Byzantine with Adonis and see if our women are there.

But those jackals will never let you in, son.

They will, father.

They will open the doors with their own hands and let me in.

The Colonel's wife called me at night, Sergeantus.

And she didn't have any underwear on. I outranked her all night.

Shut up already.

What the hell is that?

What's up? What is this? -Don't you see?

It's a Trojan duck. We brought it for your king.

Why?

A coronation gift for King Passionius, from the Mayan leader Ghazi Magosa.

Quack.

-Fine. -Fine.

-Open the door then, Sergeantus. -Okay, then.

Hitandrunis, we're leaving. Good luck.

Take me. Let's run away.

Hitandrunis, let's split up.

I'll go this way. You can go that way.

-I'll follow my heart. -Alright.

You go that way.

Damn it. It's a Mayan lock with a password.

Stop. Don't move.

What do you mean "don't move"? I am the Byzantine prince, idiot.

Sorry, your majesty. There's a warrant for your arrest.

What do you mean?

What the hell is an arrest warrant? There must have been a mistake.

Come and see. Look what it says. Look.

"The Byzantine prince Adonis from Samatya".

-Yes. -Where is my birth place?

-What? -What?

-Where? -Fikirtepe.

-Fikirtepe? -Yes.

Can you prove that your birth place is Fikirtepe?

I can. Of course I can. Take this.

I'll prove where my birth place is.

Why? How many Adonises are there? Maybe there was a typo.

Here's your proof!

Let's see where your ID is.

What's your birth date?

1126. Good.

Eleven... Twenty six.

They told you so many times not to use your birth date as a password!

Idiots.

-Hitandrunis? -Draftia.

-Why are you here? -Why are you here?

Those bastards put me in here. What about you?

I was here to save our women, but I guess I'll save you too.

How can we escape from here? We don't have keys.

Can you turn around? Turn around.

Okay. I'm taking care of it.

I didn't enlarge this part much. I think you won't get stuck.

It's all I can do without measurements. Let me help you, sister Draftia.

Please stop calling me "sister".

-It's okay, Draftia. -Please stop telling me it's okay.

-Draftia. -Please stop calling me "Draftia".

-What do you want me to say? -Please stop saying anything.

Just shut up.

You couldn't wait for two minutes! Two minutes!

Let's run.

-Adonis. -Donutella.

You're back.

Did you think I would leave you here to die?

We're going to eat chocolate fondue together all night long.

Good day.

-Oh, no! My brother! -Oh, no! My brother!

It's no big deal.

Adonis told us everything. We're here to save you.

By the way, they locked Draftia up too.

I saved her too. I saved everyone I saw.

Do you know each other? -We do.

She knows me as Fancy Daisy, but it's okay.

Okay. Cut the crap.

Let's go and save the women and the children.

Hitandrunis. This way.

Bastards! How could you do this to me?

Dirtius. That is Dirtius' voice.

Help! Help us!

Bagelina!

-Is this a good time for bagels? -She's my best friend.

-Cut it already. -Let's go and save her.

-Adonis, what's the password? -1126.

Dirtius. -Brother.

Holy crap.

What have they done to you? -I'm not myself anymore.

They turned me into a businessman. Come on. Kill me.

End this pain. Come on, dude. Come on.

Guys, this is my best friend Dirtius.

Dirtius, this is Donutella's older brother, Hitandrunis.

You know Donutella and Bagelina from the bakery. I mean, the waterfall.

That was you singing sad songs in the cell next to mine.

You have a lovely voice.

And your death threats were lovely too.

Sorry, I don't mean to interrupt, but...

...I think we should save our women. -Yes. Hitandrunis is right.

Let's go and save the women.

Get them! They're running away!

Dirtius. Take the girls and go over there.

Adonis and I will keep them busy. -No way, brother.

I'm going to fight next to you. -No, Donutella. Go!

Go and ask for help from my father. There's too many of them.

Why are you yelling?

Do you think we can handle them?

Brother-in-law. -What? "Brother-in-law"?

Yes. I know it's not the right time to discuss this, but...

...I fell in love with your sister Donutella.

Sorry. Wait a minute.

Can you come over here? -What the hell, man? Are you crazy?

What the hell?

Come over here. I'll tell you something. It's important.

You picked this moment to talk?

Okay, whatever. We can talk later. Down.

Brother-in-law! -What? "Brother-in-law"?

What's the problem? You fell in love with my sister.

But I can't fall in love with yours?

-Leave my sister out of this. -Don't worry. I'm serious.

When the time comes, Draftia will be my first draft pick.

Okay. Easy. We surrender. No need for violence. Okay.

Guys, you know I'm from The Byzantine.

Cut! Cut! Cut!

-What's that, dude? -Wienertine.

What? What kind of an invention is this?

It's an ancient form of execution for grooms who cheat on their wives.

I'm sorry, brother.

What groom? I didn't propose yet. We're not even engaged yet.

Move. Tie him up.

Pull out his junk. -What?

-And that. -Dude!

Let's put this birdie in the cage.

Dude. This is a joke, right? You won't prune me, right?

If your friend is strong, your wiener lives.

If he's not... Just a tiny cut.

-Adonis. What is he talking about? -These are the Byzantine games.

We grew up with them.

Enough. Stop talking. Give him the rock!

Sergeantus.

-Take this. If it drops... -You're going to drop it. Give it to me.

The guillotine is attached to the rope, and the rope is attached to the rock.

If Prince Adonis lowers his arms, you won't be able to get it up again.

The guillotine will drop. The stainless steel will cut.

Whip him!

Why are you whipping him? He's going to drop the rock!

Dude.

Brother, how long can you hold it?

-Five minutes at best. -I hope for the best then.

These bastards gave me a meteorite!

Whip him!

Whip him!

Harder! Harder!

Harder! What do you want that is harder?

I can give you something harder. Don't make me mad.

Harder!

Hitandrunis...

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I'm about to think now, Adonis.

Come on, Hitandrunis. Think. Think. Think about Draftia.

Think about her in the tiniest detail.

Thank you.

Hitandrunis!

No way. He broke the guillotine.

What the hell was that? Their junk must be made of steel or something.

Chop their heads off! Forget about the guillotine.

Chop them off with an axe!

Move.

Easy, jerk! You're going to pluck it.

Move it.

Did you think I would leave you in those executioner's hands?

Beware, fleabags!

Donutella.

-Your highness. -What?

We are under attack by the Mayans,...

...but don't worry, they can't get past the walls.

Sir, the walls have been breached!

Damn it. Go and find Tetris.

He can fix the wall. Soldiers! To the wall!

Hurry!

Put the ladder against the wall!

And go behind the defense line!

Do not step on the grass! Do not litter!

This is the end of the road, Donutella.

What are we going to do? I don't want to die before holding a guy's hand.

That's not going to happen.

Sure. Not going to happen. I'll help you with that.

Look at me. You were knitting something long.

What was that? A scarf? -No.

It was a condom for my dowry.

-What the hell is that? -What is she saying?

You're crazy. Don't say that. Come on, shank me.

What is this? What the hell?

Brother, they have gone wild. Let's run, man.

Come on! Bust the door!

Don't forget to take off your shoes before going inside. Come on!

-Hitandrunis. -Take care of that fella.

You go on. I'll go and help Donutella.

Okay.

Get out of my way! Byzantine crows! Get out of my way!

Hang in there, Donutella!

Brother, don't think about us. She's fine here.

Go and help the Ghazi. -How can I help?

I don't have a weapon. Am I going to dance?

-Adonis, take this. -What is it, dude?

My new invention. The glowing sword. Just press the button.

What is this thing?

Wow.

Holy crap.

Ghazi Magosa. Do you need help?

Come on, brother. You're so lucky.

-Ghazi! -Lady Gamma!

-Ghazi! -Lady Gamma!

Ghazi. My love.

-My love. -Honey.

My darling.

-My cheese. -Inventaur!

You're going to be mine, Draftia!

Hitandrunis, help!

That is Draftia's voice.

Informatus is taking me to the tower.

-Come here. -Let me go! Pervert!

Where are you taking me? -Where do you think?

To our love shack, of course.

-Please. Let me go. -I'll never let you go, Draftia.

First, you need to taste the fifty shades of Informatus.

Hitandrunis, help!

Come on, Draftia.

I know you want it too. -I don't!

Why don't you understand?

I don't want it. -Nice.

When a woman says she doesn't want it, that means she does.

Idiot! I say I don't want it.

So you want it.

Alright! Okay. Come on, I want it.

See? I knew you were crazy about me.

I knew it.

What's the hell? How many layers does this dress have?

Hitandrunis, help!

And now... Everything is ready for the fifty shades of Informatus.

Brother! Hitandrunis!

I'm going to catch you.

What the hell? Will this climb ever end?

I should tell Inventaur.

He should make an invention to easily climb high places like this.

Let me go! Hitandrunis, help!

Draftia! Hang in there!

What the... -Hitandrunis!

Hitandrunis, help me!

Hitandrunis, help!

Damn it. Wrong tower.

I'll be there in five. In half an hour tops.

-Did he say half an hour? -Don't worry, Draftia.

We will be finished in 10 minutes. I'm not a Mayan guy, after all.

What is this? Have some respect for privacy!

Oh, God. -What do you mean by that?

How can you do this to your princess?

Prick! -What should I have done?

Should I go to another country for a princess fantasy?

Brother, be careful. He has a whip.

Draftia! I'm here!

-Hitandrunis. -Draftia.

It's not a love shack, but a subway station. What the hell?

Take the girl and leave now. Or I'll kill Adonis.

Wait. Don't take the girl. Take Adonis and leave.

I need the girl.

The girl should stay. -Or else?

What else, I'll kill Adonis.

Shit. I let Adonis go. I have no hostages.

Brother, it's for the best that I put this down.

Someone might get stabbed accidentally. We wouldn't want that.

Sister. You're okay, right? There's no problem, right?

No. You are my sister.

She's like a sister to me.

I'll take you to places that even kids cannot reach.

-Take me. -No one can find us in here.

This is the black room of the palace.

Passionius, I don't want to die.

I have so many more R-rated days to live.

-When you say R-rated... -When I say...

Holy shit!

Tribe leader Ghazi Magosa! All the Byzantines surrendered.

The Byzantine has fallen.

-Mother, father. Are you okay? -I'm okay, Donutella.

Now that we saved our women, we'd better leave, Adonis.

What do you mean? Where will you go?

What about The Byzantine? -What do you mean?

You'll take over the throne. You're going to rule bravely. That's it.

You fought long and hard. Why don't you conquer the place?

You can change its name. It can be "Istanbul" or something like that.

No way. This place is not good for us.

I don't want to stay another minute. It's too crowded.

-And it's too humid. -Exactly.

Fine. It was just an offer.

Dear father. I brought Clitoria, Passionius and Informatus.

What are we going to do with them?

Feed Clitoria and Passionius to the dogs.

Let's take Informatus with us. On our way,...

...we can leave him to the sodomists' tribe.

No. You can't do this to me. You can't do this!

No? Good.

If a rapist says "no", it means "yes".

Take this pervert.

And give him something pink to wear. We wouldn't want him to be cold.

-Come on, let's go. -Come on.

Ghazi. Shall we have tea in the palace?

Of course.

Brewed or in a bag?

For better, for worse. In sickness and in health.

At home and away.

Do you take them to be your wedded spouses?

We do.

-What? -We do!

-Girls, what about you? -We do!

So, by the power vested in me by myself,...

...I pronounce you man and wife.

Kiss the brides.

Okay. You've gone too far.

Orchestra! Rock it!

I heard that while we were gone, the Matryoshkas came to the village.

-The Matryoshkas? Yes. -Why were they here? What for?

They came to ask if we needed help. God bless them.

What do you mean by help?

Cooking, laundry... That's all. Cleaning and stuff.

So, nothing happened between you and the Matryoshkas?

With the Matryoshkas? Nope.

-Maybe you slipped up and... -Never.

We didn't even look at them.

Faithfulness is a national sport for Mayan men.

We sent them back without even touching them.