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One of the fascinating things
about Nin, is that she's the first,
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she's the great forerunner of
women's confessional sex writing.
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You know at that period, there wasn't
a western woman writing about sex.
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She got up and brought a long
mirror, and stood it against the chair.
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The sight was enchanting.
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She was a woman of tomorrow. She wrote about
being a woman, what an orgasm was like,
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what sex was like. And she tried to find
the words to describe what it felt like.
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She thought it was like the gum plant leaf with
its secret milk, that the pressure of the finger
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could bring out.
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00:00:47,267 --> 00:00:51,343
I think Anais Nin's erotica is really
unique. You read her describing
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00:00:51,367 --> 00:00:55,767
women's bodies as though they're flesh
and fruit, there's a real poetry to her.
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00:00:58,300 --> 00:01:02,909
I will not rest until I have told
of my descent, into a sensuality,
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which was dark,
magnificent, wild.
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Anais Nin's diaries described all of her
fascinating sexual adventures and they were
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the very explicit material, that she
mined for the short stories, the novels,
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the erotica.
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She began to write them,
as a very young girl.
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Anais Nin's diaries were
her lifeline.
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I think they were her secret
friend, I think the way she describes
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them as a labyrinth,
is really telling.
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She was born in France in 1903, but the family
later moved to New York when she was 11.
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Her father was Cuban, and
a womanizer, he was a liar.
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And she's this intense child, who's been
unwell, who doesn't seem to have anyone
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around who's like her. She has
these unhappy, battling parents,
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she's caught in the middle.
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And then the father abandons
them, and she's devastated.
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But that
was when she began to write.
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And so Nin starts to write the journal
as almost a kind of set of letters,
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or postcards to her father.
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Entreating him, to come
and join the rest of the family,
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in New York.
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But then she goes on writing the diaries
almost every day, for the rest of her life.
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And they set her off, on this incredible
journey to become a great writer.
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- Miss Nin.
- What a pleasure to meet you, please.
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You're a real role model,
for women writers Miss. Nin.
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Well, for all women.
And now the diaries.
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I appreciate that they're censored
to protect people, but Miss. Nin,
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I'd like to know the truth
about your life.
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00:03:07,867 --> 00:03:09,833
And I have agreed to tell you
the whole story.
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00:03:15,933 --> 00:03:19,600
I thought my life would really begin
with my marriage to Hugo Guiler.
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00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:24,033
There were problems at first,
the family were against it.
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I was a skinny little immigrant girl,
a superstitious catholic and he was,
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from a wealthy,
protestant, banking family.
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But we defied it.
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And he was sent to work
in a Paris branch of the bank,
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so we moved over there.
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Louveciennes resembles the village
where Madame Bovary lived and died.
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00:04:00,367 --> 00:04:02,967
It is old, untouched, and
unchanged, by modern life.
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00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:07,067
On a clear night,
one can see Paris.
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00:04:08,067 --> 00:04:11,343
Behind the windows of the village
houses, old women sit watching
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people pass by.
The dogs bark at night.
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My house is 200 years old.
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Every day he goes to the bank,
I write in my diary.
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I am young, I am full
of hope, and dreams.
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But I am innocent, in
particular, I am sexually innocent.
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00:04:39,867 --> 00:04:44,976
On my wedding night, Hugo was exalted
and romantic, he added wonderful words
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of worship.
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But he was inexperienced.
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He worked his body against mine,
until he came, all over my nightgown.
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I was so amazed at the wetness.
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00:05:07,700 --> 00:05:09,333
I felt sad, vague.
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00:05:12,400 --> 00:05:13,800
I thought that he
did not love me.
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He liked to get me to lie on the bed
with my clothes on, and to raise my legs
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so that he could look.
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That was all he wanted,
to look up between my legs.
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00:05:36,767 --> 00:05:41,276
It was I who incited him one night
to push in, until he broke through
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the virginity, and the blood
came, and it was done.
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Hugo made no crisis before, he didn't
notice that I had no time to grow moist.
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He had to spread Vaseline
between my legs to penetrate me.
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00:05:59,267 --> 00:06:03,667
At such times I hated him, I lay
like one who had been murdered.
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She wanted to be
a good wife and,
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couldn't understand initially,
this kind of, very deep,
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rooted sense of dissatisfaction. It
wasn't just sexual dissatisfaction,
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00:06:22,867 --> 00:06:26,243
I think it was much more diffuse
than that, she was just dissatisfied
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with her life.
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00:06:27,900 --> 00:06:30,633
She felt that she was,
almost in prison.
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You know a gilded cage, of
sorts. But she was locked away,
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with her books. She really lived
off of dreams, off of her imagination.
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00:06:43,867 --> 00:06:46,643
I know that there is more
to life, than sitting at home
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polishing the furniture. I know
ordinary life does not interest me.
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00:06:51,767 --> 00:06:55,833
I seek only the high moments, I
am in accordance with the Surrealists.
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Searching for the marvelous. But
the marvelous does not happen.
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00:07:02,733 --> 00:07:06,867
I mend shops, prune trees,
polish furniture, I am not living.
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00:07:08,967 --> 00:07:11,700
But I am not like Madame Bovary,
going to take poison.
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00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:15,667
Instead, I am going to Paris.
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00:07:20,067 --> 00:07:24,343
I think if any of us, had a chance
in a time machine, to go to Paris,
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in the 20's and 30's,
we would take it.
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00:07:27,100 --> 00:07:30,800
It was the center of the globe,
the artistic globe, at that time.
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00:07:33,833 --> 00:07:38,143
And for Nin, it was just a train ride
away. So, with Hugo away all day,
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she'd just go and wander the
streets of this bohemian paradise,
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of pre-war Paris.
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Paris must have been extraordinarily
exciting in the 1920's and 30's,
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a time of incredible social
mixing, glamor, creativity.
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00:08:02,433 --> 00:08:07,376
And then she began to take these dancing
lessons in Paris, which began as an escape
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00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:10,333
from boredom, but turned into
something much more thrilling.
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00:08:13,067 --> 00:08:15,833
Later my Spanish dancing
teacher fell in love with me.
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00:08:17,900 --> 00:08:19,633
He had the power
to make me dance.
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00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:29,533
Below the dancing studio,
there were little dressing rooms.
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00:08:35,167 --> 00:08:39,333
And as I stood against the dresses
and shawls, he lifted my skirt,
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and kissed my sex,
until I grew dizzy.
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[MOANS]
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I take pleasure in my transformations.
Few know many women
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there are in me.
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00:09:01,133 --> 00:09:04,867
When ordinary life shackles
me, I escape one way, or another.
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00:09:06,333 --> 00:09:07,500
No more walls.
106
00:09:09,167 --> 00:09:13,909
Nin did experience herself,
as an amazing person,
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00:09:13,933 --> 00:09:17,900
trapped in a very bourgeois,
and bland, and stale existence.
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00:09:20,000 --> 00:09:24,233
But she began to realize the
possibility for another kind of life.
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00:09:26,433 --> 00:09:29,100
And Hugo sensed,
that she was changing.
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00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:34,767
Hugo accompanies me
to all the salons.
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00:09:36,200 --> 00:09:39,567
He buys me everything that
I want, but I am not happy.
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00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,800
Imprisoned I feel I am
a day-tripper from the village.
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00:09:47,000 --> 00:09:49,400
I press my nose,
to the window of life.
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I feel I am becoming two women.
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00:09:56,433 --> 00:10:00,467
One who is kind, loyal, pure of
thought. But then there is another.
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She is restless and impure, acting
strangely, lucid, wandering, seeking life
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and wanting to taste all of it. Without
fear, restraint, principle, a demon.
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00:10:14,300 --> 00:10:17,000
- I just wonder how far she will go?
- You would never do wrong.
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00:10:18,100 --> 00:10:21,433
- You would never jeopardize our relationship.
- I want experience.
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00:10:23,267 --> 00:10:24,067
[MOANING]
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00:10:27,233 --> 00:10:33,143
Hugo is clearly one of those men who finds
his wife so erotic, such a kind of incredible
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00:10:33,167 --> 00:10:37,067
sexual geisha; that eventually
his desire, is more stimulated,
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00:10:38,267 --> 00:10:41,833
by seeing her being this goddess
for other men.
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00:10:43,167 --> 00:10:47,276
But he never actually agrees
to her having affairs.
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00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:51,309
He just doesn't want to know
the truth, and so she lies to him.
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00:10:51,333 --> 00:10:53,700
They find this way,
of making their marriage work.
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00:11:08,867 --> 00:11:10,933
Dreams, are necessary to life.
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The earth is every day opaque,
without dreams.
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00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:21,433
I have days of illuminations,
and fevers.
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00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:28,400
I want to be a writer, who reminds
others that these moments exist.
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00:11:30,933 --> 00:11:34,976
Throw your dreams into space,
like a kite, and you do not know what
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00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:39,600
it will bring back. A new
life, a new friend, a new love?
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00:11:42,867 --> 00:11:48,043
She needed a life to write about and she
needed someone bold, confident, and who could
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help her become a writer.
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00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:55,309
And then Henry Miller arrives, and he's
all those things, and he's not necessarily
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00:11:55,333 --> 00:11:58,800
the world's most attractive man, but
he's charismatic, and he needs her.
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00:12:01,133 --> 00:12:04,943
The first time I read something
of Henry, it was like a bomb
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00:12:04,967 --> 00:12:08,000
in me exploding. I knew straight
away, that he was a great artist.
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00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:14,567
I wanted to meet him, and our lawyer
knew him, so I invited him to a meal.
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00:12:17,933 --> 00:12:21,909
He is a man who life
intoxicates, who is floating
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on self-created euphoria.
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He is immersed in writing
his book,
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sleeps anywhere, a railroad
station waiting room, a park;
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he lives from day to day,
buying, begging, sponging,
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he is almost a hobo.
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00:12:43,033 --> 00:12:47,143
The relationship between Anais
and Henry Miller is really interesting,
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they clearly had quite a riotous,
rivaled friendship, where they
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challenged each other. And he was
much older than her, but he hadn't been
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published yet, and he was
living this down and out life,
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00:13:00,333 --> 00:13:02,433
writing his first novel,
Tropic of Cancer.
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00:13:06,333 --> 00:13:08,633
Anais gets restless here
during the day, on her own.
152
00:13:09,833 --> 00:13:12,767
I'm always restless. Things
just keep carrying me away.
153
00:13:13,833 --> 00:13:18,000
I feel like as though, my hair is
being pulled into the stars again.
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00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:23,033
The moment I am deeply rooted, I
have to utmost desire to uproot myself.
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I close my eyes for an instant, to
see him by some other inner eye.
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00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:37,733
- You don't want a real bird?
- No, I prefer antique ages.
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I'm waiting to find a unique,
strange bird.
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One that I've seen in my dreams.
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00:13:48,767 --> 00:13:50,100
But as yet, I have not found it.
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00:13:56,233 --> 00:13:58,867
He has no typewriter,
I give him mine.
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00:14:03,800 --> 00:14:07,100
He gives me a world of writing,
parts of his book, as he writes it.
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00:14:08,167 --> 00:14:11,533
Notes on the backs of menus in
small restaurants, and Chevy quarters.
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00:14:12,933 --> 00:14:14,233
A torrent of realism.
164
00:14:17,767 --> 00:14:21,500
I too love everything
that flows, rivers, sewers,
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lava, semen,
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00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,667
words, sentences.
167
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:35,800
I love the words of hysterics. And the
sentences that flow on, like dysentery,
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00:14:37,933 --> 00:14:40,100
and mirror all the sick images
of the soul.
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00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:45,300
His writing is treacherous,
and dangerous.
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00:14:48,033 --> 00:14:51,376
At sixteen, I wrote in my
diary, that I had dreamed
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of putting myself, under the
protection and nobility of a great writer.
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Henry was such a man.
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00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:03,333
Hugo is worried he will lose
me to Henry, I tell him he won't.
174
00:15:04,333 --> 00:15:08,733
I'm devoted to Henry's work only.
I separate my body from my mind.
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00:15:11,133 --> 00:15:15,243
To begin with, they weren't sleeping
together, but they did have this strong
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00:15:15,267 --> 00:15:16,800
creative relationship.
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00:15:18,400 --> 00:15:22,976
She saw that Henry Miller was dedicated
to being a writer, so he had discipline,
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00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,100
he had rigor.
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00:15:26,433 --> 00:15:30,800
Henry read my work, he tells me I write
like a man, with tremendous clearness.
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00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:37,167
His imagination is relentless, and
fertile, a demon loose in the world.
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00:15:38,833 --> 00:15:41,376
You have your version of the
world, as somewhat monstrous,
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and I have mine.
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00:15:44,400 --> 00:15:49,743
But I'll fight you Henry Miller, I'll fight
your realism, with all the magical forces
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of poetry.
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00:15:54,333 --> 00:15:58,833
Art is art, the paradise,
the only paradise.
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00:16:01,700 --> 00:16:05,967
Paradise is a place with white
feather palm trees, with formulas,
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00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:12,043
with glass fishes, silk
lined balls, invisible music,
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00:16:12,067 --> 00:16:15,533
dishes shaped like stars,
costumes of cellophane,
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00:16:17,100 --> 00:16:19,033
paradise was artifice.
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00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,333
Would you mind,
telling me about,
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00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:30,367
- June, Henry's extraordinary wife?
- I didn't know Henry well.
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00:16:32,833 --> 00:16:37,433
I admired his mind, his
work enormously, but well,
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that paled into insignificance,
when I met June.
194
00:16:51,133 --> 00:16:54,633
I saw for the first time, the
most beautiful woman on earth.
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Her beauty drowned me.
196
00:17:01,400 --> 00:17:05,100
A startling white face, burning
eyes, my first sight of her,
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00:17:06,433 --> 00:17:08,967
I felt that I would do anything
mad for her.
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00:17:11,767 --> 00:17:15,700
Henry feared, she was
color, brilliance, strangeness.
199
00:17:20,333 --> 00:17:22,633
Over dinner, she and
Henry told all their secrets,
200
00:17:24,233 --> 00:17:25,533
their sex, their fighting.
201
00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:33,400
You see we're at war with
each other, Henry and I.
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00:17:38,433 --> 00:17:43,876
Oh, and one time,
we hired a room where,
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I could be a prostitute, with
a client, and he could watch.
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00:17:49,367 --> 00:17:52,643
- Remember Henry?
- [LAUGHING]
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00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:56,167
- He watched me with women.
- [LAUGHS] Don't all men like that?
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00:17:57,367 --> 00:17:58,500
I guess not.
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00:18:00,267 --> 00:18:04,743
By the end of the night, I was like
a man, terribly in love with her face,
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00:18:04,767 --> 00:18:06,867
and body,
which promised so much.
209
00:18:09,067 --> 00:18:11,800
I think June had,
a huge influence on Nin.
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00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:16,367
Her shamelessness you know,
she speaks really coarsely,
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00:18:17,367 --> 00:18:22,343
and she's a complete fantasist, she lies
all the time. One time she's telling Nin,
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00:18:22,367 --> 00:18:25,776
that she was raised in the
circus. And then you never knew
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00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,233
when she was going to arrive, and you
never knew when she was going to leave.
214
00:18:32,033 --> 00:18:34,167
June and I live life,
as theater.
215
00:18:35,867 --> 00:18:40,067
We love costumes and changes of
self's, and wearing masks, and disguises.
216
00:18:43,700 --> 00:18:46,767
But I always know what is real,
thanks June.
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00:18:49,700 --> 00:18:50,600
Come here!
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00:18:58,167 --> 00:19:02,976
She has the body of the women, who climbed
every night upon the stage of music halls,
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00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:04,267
and gradually undressed.
220
00:19:10,967 --> 00:19:11,800
Beautiful.
221
00:19:14,867 --> 00:19:17,033
Oh I want to dance
for you Anais.
222
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,500
I am fascinated by her eyes,
and mouth.
223
00:19:21,667 --> 00:19:23,867
Her discolored mouth,
badly bruised.
224
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:29,200
I do not make out her words, I
see ashes under the skin of her face.
225
00:19:30,867 --> 00:19:33,867
Disintegration, she is dying
before my eyes.
226
00:19:38,833 --> 00:19:43,433
Truth comes from confessions, in
the darkness of the bedroom, or from,
227
00:19:46,133 --> 00:19:48,200
violent tearing of masks.
228
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:54,733
I want to kiss her fantastic
beauty and say, "I dreamed you,
229
00:19:56,033 --> 00:19:57,667
I wished for your existence".
230
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:05,409
A few days later we went to the
theater, outside smoking in the interval,
231
00:20:05,433 --> 00:20:09,043
I tell her, "you are the only
woman whoever answered
232
00:20:09,067 --> 00:20:11,143
the demands in my imagination".
233
00:20:11,167 --> 00:20:14,333
She answers, "it's a good
thing for me, I'm going away".
234
00:20:15,333 --> 00:20:19,276
What, what, what, what, what,
what? She had to go back to New York,
235
00:20:19,300 --> 00:20:24,776
for a while. June would soon
unmask me. I am powerless,
236
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:25,667
before a woman.
237
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,000
I want to kiss you.
238
00:20:46,733 --> 00:20:51,043
After June, filled with June, I
could not bare Hugo reading
239
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:54,400
the newspaper, and talking about
trust funds, and a successful day.
240
00:20:59,200 --> 00:21:03,000
He was immensely lovable, and
warm, but I could not come back.
241
00:21:12,100 --> 00:21:15,800
The love between women, is a
refuge, an escape into harmony.
242
00:21:17,333 --> 00:21:19,443
In the love between a
man and a woman, there is
243
00:21:19,467 --> 00:21:20,867
resistance, conflict.
244
00:21:22,233 --> 00:21:25,700
I am trapped between the beauty
of June, and the genius of Henry.
245
00:21:28,067 --> 00:21:30,233
Every encounter of June Miller,
that we have is this,
246
00:21:32,200 --> 00:21:34,600
very exciting, charismatic,
247
00:21:36,300 --> 00:21:40,567
androgynous, kind of stalky, earthy
figure, who was very very attractive.
248
00:21:43,233 --> 00:21:48,676
So there was this tantalizing
flirtation, and kissing but not evidence
249
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:52,833
of a full sexual relationship. Just
this powerful attraction, on Nin's side.
250
00:21:55,200 --> 00:21:57,600
When June left,
she went back to New York.
251
00:21:59,067 --> 00:22:04,009
I waited sometimes where we
used to meet, expecting to feel again
252
00:22:04,033 --> 00:22:07,300
the joy of seeing her walk
towards me, out of a crowd.
253
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:18,367
I went for a massage, the
masseuse was small and pretty.
254
00:22:20,433 --> 00:22:23,800
I saw her breasts when she
leaned over me, small but full.
255
00:22:27,267 --> 00:22:29,000
I was stirred, madly.
256
00:22:31,233 --> 00:22:33,567
Aware of the frustration
of my desire.
257
00:22:37,667 --> 00:22:41,500
I knew that June did not reach the same
sexual center in me that a man reaches.
258
00:22:43,100 --> 00:22:44,767
So what then had she
moved in me?
259
00:22:47,033 --> 00:22:49,400
But there is no life in the love
between women.
260
00:22:50,800 --> 00:22:54,200
The animal strength which
satisfies women, lies in brutal men.
261
00:22:55,967 --> 00:22:57,633
In the realists, like Henry.
262
00:23:00,033 --> 00:23:03,167
A letter from Henry,
I received one every day.
263
00:23:05,133 --> 00:23:09,167
Deep down, I'm afraid of
this man. His sensual being,
264
00:23:10,900 --> 00:23:14,733
the ferocity enveloped in
tenderness, his ever rich mind.
265
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,833
Writers make love
to what they need.
266
00:23:22,300 --> 00:23:25,233
-Henry wrote to me, I could-
-stay here all night writing.
267
00:23:27,033 --> 00:23:30,976
I see you before me constantly, with
your head down, and your long lashes
268
00:23:31,000 --> 00:23:32,000
lying on your cheek.
269
00:23:35,967 --> 00:23:39,300
It seems to me, that from the very
moment when you held out your hand,
270
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:41,400
I was yours.
271
00:23:43,233 --> 00:23:45,867
I met Henry in a small dark bar.
272
00:23:48,067 --> 00:23:52,167
Suddenly he leans over, and
engulfs me in an endless kiss.
273
00:23:55,733 --> 00:23:57,267
I do not want the kiss to end.
274
00:24:11,933 --> 00:24:15,033
Later a small dark room,
so shabby like an alcove,
275
00:24:16,167 --> 00:24:18,300
the richness of Henry's
voice and mouth.
276
00:24:19,167 --> 00:24:21,833
The feeling of sinking
into warm blood.
277
00:24:28,367 --> 00:24:31,633
And he overcome with my
warmth and moisture,
278
00:24:33,033 --> 00:24:37,076
Slow penetration,
with pauses and with twists,
279
00:24:37,100 --> 00:24:39,000
make me gasp with pleasure.
280
00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:43,167
I have no words for it,
it is all new to me.
281
00:24:44,500 --> 00:24:47,567
That afternoon in Henry's room,
was like a white hot furnace.
282
00:25:01,333 --> 00:25:04,567
Before I had only the white heat
of the mind and the imagination,
283
00:25:05,667 --> 00:25:09,100
now it is of the blood,
sacred completeness.
284
00:25:12,567 --> 00:25:16,000
I come out dazed in a mellow
spring evening, and I think,
285
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,567
now I would not mind dying.
286
00:25:30,867 --> 00:25:33,333
So it was Henry Miller,
who awakened you?
287
00:25:35,467 --> 00:25:39,009
Sexually. And who inspired
your work, your writing,
288
00:25:39,033 --> 00:25:40,609
and you inspired his?
289
00:25:40,633 --> 00:25:42,800
It was my writer's soul,
that loved Henry.
290
00:25:45,467 --> 00:25:49,533
He was doing his best writing,
there was, such a splendor to it.
291
00:25:52,600 --> 00:25:54,867
I want to feel your presence
for a few hours.
292
00:25:56,667 --> 00:25:58,767
To feed you, cool you,
293
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:04,833
fill you with every breath on earth
of the trees which reap the blood.
294
00:26:08,333 --> 00:26:10,767
I realized that I don't want
you to come back.
295
00:26:16,533 --> 00:26:20,543
As a muse, I couldn't have asked
for more, and yes as a woman,
296
00:26:20,567 --> 00:26:22,633
I was fully awake,
and then fully alive.
297
00:26:27,000 --> 00:26:28,300
I have only three desires now.
298
00:26:30,267 --> 00:26:31,800
To eat, to sleep, and to fuck.
299
00:26:34,667 --> 00:26:35,867
I want to dance.
300
00:26:37,633 --> 00:26:41,867
I want drugs. I want to bite
into life, and be torn by it.
301
00:26:51,700 --> 00:26:54,133
And as soon as she begins
to have fantastic sex,
302
00:26:55,533 --> 00:26:59,300
she realizes,
this is what I can write about.
303
00:27:01,400 --> 00:27:05,009
I mean she just breaks free,
and unleashes the shackles.
304
00:27:05,033 --> 00:27:07,133
Of both her imagination,
and her body.
305
00:27:19,933 --> 00:27:26,276
But, you aren't a published writer
yet, you're just a woman writing
306
00:27:26,300 --> 00:27:29,367
a diary. You still had your nose
pressed against the window,
307
00:27:30,533 --> 00:27:32,667
you're a banker's
wife, a muse, but you're
308
00:27:33,633 --> 00:27:35,267
serving them dinner,
and giving them money.
309
00:27:37,367 --> 00:27:39,300
I believe someone called you a,
310
00:27:42,533 --> 00:27:44,200
little bourgeois banker's wife?
311
00:27:45,833 --> 00:27:49,233
While I was writing the diaries,
they were my material.
312
00:27:51,667 --> 00:27:54,100
And, I was learning to create
art out of them.
313
00:27:55,867 --> 00:27:57,100
To describe an adventure?
314
00:28:05,967 --> 00:28:08,533
I come back to Hugo pleased,
and so joyous.
315
00:28:09,633 --> 00:28:12,667
He says, "I have never
been so happy with you".
316
00:28:15,267 --> 00:28:18,843
I am always concerned with Hugo,
as though he were my child.
317
00:28:18,867 --> 00:28:22,700
It is because I love him best,
I wish he was 10 years old.
318
00:28:29,400 --> 00:28:34,543
I cheat him, I deceive him,
yet the world does not sink into
319
00:28:34,567 --> 00:28:35,800
sulphur colored mists.
320
00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,133
I just cry and laugh.
321
00:28:47,900 --> 00:28:51,533
He desires me, my
conscious dies at that moment.
322
00:28:52,933 --> 00:28:56,733
Hugo bears down on me, and I
immediately obey Henry's whispered words,
323
00:28:58,533 --> 00:29:02,567
I close my legs about Hugo,
and he exclaims in ecstasy,
324
00:29:03,833 --> 00:29:05,167
"you're driving me wild".
325
00:29:10,300 --> 00:29:12,667
Henry whispers to me,
what my body must do.
326
00:29:13,867 --> 00:29:16,833
I obey,
and new instincts rise in me.
327
00:29:18,433 --> 00:29:20,933
I am woman,
a man has made me submit.
328
00:29:25,900 --> 00:29:28,509
How did you conceal this
from your husband?
329
00:29:28,533 --> 00:29:31,167
Wasn't, keeping a journal
a dangerous thing?
330
00:29:33,400 --> 00:29:35,067
Well yes, and,
331
00:29:36,933 --> 00:29:39,567
there came a time,
that Hugo found it.
332
00:29:44,867 --> 00:29:47,600
One day he read my diary,
the red one.
333
00:29:49,900 --> 00:29:51,600
I told him that it was fiction.
334
00:29:53,500 --> 00:29:58,809
Hugo finds the diary about
Henry, in which Nin is talking wildly
335
00:29:58,833 --> 00:30:02,933
about their love making, and how
sensual she feels when she's with Henry.
336
00:30:05,433 --> 00:30:09,300
She becomes terrified that, the
life that they have built together,
337
00:30:10,733 --> 00:30:15,909
is going to be shattered. And
so she tells Hugo, that this diary,
338
00:30:15,933 --> 00:30:19,333
the diary that he has read,
is a diary of her fantasy life.
339
00:30:20,900 --> 00:30:24,733
And that there is a second
diary, which is the real, diary.
340
00:30:30,400 --> 00:30:33,276
I ran quickly,
bought a green journal,
341
00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:37,033
while he was at work, I wrote quickly
and secretly, to bring it up to date.
342
00:30:39,467 --> 00:30:41,600
The imaginary account,
of my sensual life.
343
00:30:45,567 --> 00:30:51,276
Does writing about this, extremely
unconventional web of relationships
344
00:30:51,300 --> 00:30:55,067
also justify it? Does it absolve
you of any issues of morality?
345
00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,033
Well you see,
it allowed me to live and,
346
00:31:02,533 --> 00:31:04,700
to watch myself live,
at a distance.
347
00:31:07,067 --> 00:31:09,233
I called it, the double monde.
348
00:31:11,500 --> 00:31:14,100
It turned me
into an observer, reporting.
349
00:31:14,900 --> 00:31:16,400
Did it make your
betrayals bearable?
350
00:31:19,567 --> 00:31:21,733
Perhaps some things are
buried in the bone.
351
00:31:23,433 --> 00:31:26,300
And then June Miller
came back from New York.
352
00:31:31,733 --> 00:31:34,600
June arrived last night,
I was stunned.
353
00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:41,067
I am like a person drowning.
354
00:31:45,467 --> 00:31:48,200
And I found no pain,
at the sound of her voice,
355
00:31:49,467 --> 00:31:50,533
no bliss.
356
00:31:53,633 --> 00:31:57,300
June is my adventure, and my
passion, but Henry is my love.
357
00:32:00,933 --> 00:32:02,567
I cannot face them both.
358
00:32:07,033 --> 00:32:09,200
At first,
June had wanted to fight me.
359
00:32:13,867 --> 00:32:16,567
At the first sight of my eyes,
she trusted me again.
360
00:32:23,500 --> 00:32:27,200
On the bed with June,
she began to kiss me saying,
361
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:31,333
"how little you are,
I could break you in two.
362
00:32:38,000 --> 00:32:39,833
We kissed
each other, passionately.
363
00:32:45,300 --> 00:32:47,367
Her light moth kisses
showered on me,
364
00:32:48,700 --> 00:32:51,000
she said,
"you look beautiful now".
365
00:32:52,233 --> 00:32:54,700
I said, "let me see your body".
366
00:32:57,233 --> 00:33:01,167
I was aware of a standstill,
June said "not yet".
367
00:33:04,267 --> 00:33:05,767
I ought to strangle you.
368
00:33:09,767 --> 00:33:12,000
She began to extract
confidences from me.
369
00:33:13,433 --> 00:33:18,409
I was wary, I depicted the
quality of my love for Henry,
370
00:33:18,433 --> 00:33:21,033
while deforming completely
the facts about him.
371
00:33:24,467 --> 00:33:27,167
What a superb game,
the three of us were playing.
372
00:33:28,300 --> 00:33:32,743
Who is the demon? Who
the liar? Who loves the most?
373
00:33:32,767 --> 00:33:34,100
What has he done for me?
374
00:33:39,500 --> 00:33:43,743
They had both betrayed her,
so Anais Nin herself,
375
00:33:43,767 --> 00:33:47,343
had a sort of sexual
involvement with June.
376
00:33:47,367 --> 00:33:52,809
But it was very twisted. And it resulted
in the end of Henry and June's marriage.
377
00:33:52,833 --> 00:33:56,976
So Anais now got Henry all to
herself, and they could just be
378
00:33:57,000 --> 00:33:58,233
writers together.
379
00:34:00,667 --> 00:34:05,133
June told Henry "I know everything,
that you love Anais, and Anais loves you".
380
00:34:08,367 --> 00:34:11,833
June left and,
and Henry rushed over to me.
381
00:34:13,600 --> 00:34:15,000
And we plunged into work.
382
00:34:16,867 --> 00:34:20,767
There is in our relationship,
both humanists, and monstrosity.
383
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:26,233
Our love is humane, I sense
when he is cold, I get him blankets.
384
00:34:28,267 --> 00:34:30,100
But our work, is monstrous.
385
00:34:31,467 --> 00:34:35,100
When we write we
heighten, exaggerate, color,
386
00:34:37,500 --> 00:34:40,976
There are satanic joys,
known to writers only.
387
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:42,333
June is a story teller.
388
00:34:43,733 --> 00:34:45,333
Dragged in our romances.
389
00:34:46,700 --> 00:34:50,033
I, begin to notice
discrepancies in her stories.
390
00:34:51,767 --> 00:34:54,200
Childish lies,
she lives without magic.
391
00:34:56,900 --> 00:35:00,667
He is rewriting his novel, Tropic
of Cancer, immersed in the past.
392
00:35:02,333 --> 00:35:04,867
I gave him my ideas on June,
and he uses them.
393
00:35:07,067 --> 00:35:12,276
When June leaves with great
dignity, it's as though Anais and Henry
394
00:35:12,300 --> 00:35:15,467
say to themselves, "alright
well, let's really destroy her.
395
00:35:16,467 --> 00:35:19,567
Let's take who this person was as a
human being, and write her as a character".
396
00:35:20,600 --> 00:35:25,776
And so I feel like Anais Nin, and Henry
Miller got famous, off the back of writing
397
00:35:25,800 --> 00:35:27,267
about June Miller.
398
00:35:28,033 --> 00:35:31,576
And it says something about
how cruel writers can somehow be,
399
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,667
I think they both did her over.
400
00:35:45,600 --> 00:35:49,376
I think that she considered herself
to be a diarist, and had fantasies
401
00:35:49,400 --> 00:35:53,033
of being a published author. But I
don't think it was until she met Miller,
402
00:35:54,367 --> 00:35:58,367
That she really began to realize
that as a possibility, for herself.
403
00:36:00,533 --> 00:36:04,843
What she wants to do,
is put sex into writing.
404
00:36:04,867 --> 00:36:09,676
She can't stop writing, she can't stop
having sex, she can't stop gathering
405
00:36:09,700 --> 00:36:15,309
experiences to herself. She needed the
writing to make sense of the experience.
406
00:36:15,333 --> 00:36:18,900
But also, she was having the
experience, to do the writing.
407
00:36:21,567 --> 00:36:26,543
A woman artist, has to feel
creation and life in our own way,
408
00:36:26,567 --> 00:36:30,200
or in our own womb. She has to
create something different from a man.
409
00:36:31,400 --> 00:36:34,409
To create within the mystery
storms, and terrors of sex,
410
00:36:34,433 --> 00:36:37,833
women must not fabricate, she
has to descend into a real womb and,
411
00:36:39,300 --> 00:36:43,876
and expose its secrets, and
labyrinths. She's the mermaid with her
412
00:36:43,900 --> 00:36:46,233
fish tail dipped
into the unconscious.
413
00:36:59,600 --> 00:37:02,667
So this way of life simply,
carried on?
414
00:37:05,600 --> 00:37:06,900
Yes when,
415
00:37:08,600 --> 00:37:12,433
when Hugo went away on business, Henry
would come and live with me in the house.
416
00:37:15,033 --> 00:37:18,776
Did you feel much guilt? I know
you had therapy throughout this time.
417
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,867
Well yes,
I had therapy for many years.
418
00:37:22,433 --> 00:37:27,309
This here gave me absolution,
and helped me to see,
419
00:37:27,333 --> 00:37:28,967
I should feel no Catholic guilt.
420
00:37:30,533 --> 00:37:32,167
It was a great influence
on my writing.
421
00:37:33,633 --> 00:37:37,376
Jung said "proceed from the dream
outwards", and that is always how
422
00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,300
I've tried to write.
423
00:37:41,967 --> 00:37:44,400
I say this is a wild dream.
424
00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:48,900
But it is this dream,
I want to realize.
425
00:37:50,700 --> 00:37:52,733
Life and literature combined.
426
00:37:54,367 --> 00:37:55,900
Love, a diamond.
427
00:37:57,300 --> 00:38:00,600
You with your chameleon soul,
giving me a thousand loves.
428
00:38:02,433 --> 00:38:06,667
Being anchored always in no matter
what storm, home wherever we are.
429
00:38:08,700 --> 00:38:11,100
In the mornings,
continuing where we left off.
430
00:38:12,700 --> 00:38:14,833
Resurrection after resurrection.
431
00:38:17,267 --> 00:38:21,233
When, Anais experienced
that first taste,
432
00:38:22,900 --> 00:38:26,900
of sexual pleasure, and sexual
fulfilment, it blew the doors wide open.
433
00:38:28,400 --> 00:38:33,543
And she, had a glimpse into what
is essentially a very mysterious
434
00:38:33,567 --> 00:38:37,809
part of human life. That we still
to this day, are not particularly
435
00:38:37,833 --> 00:38:39,200
comfortable in talking about.
436
00:38:41,567 --> 00:38:45,743
So she went on an odyssey,
searching to throw off
437
00:38:45,767 --> 00:38:48,433
the fevers and the shackles.
438
00:38:49,500 --> 00:38:51,200
Through various men.
439
00:39:04,967 --> 00:39:09,276
So you had freed yourself
from guilt, and now you could do
440
00:39:09,300 --> 00:39:10,767
as a man does,
and take many lovers.
441
00:39:12,000 --> 00:39:14,700
It was not just Henry Miller,
was it? There are others too,
442
00:39:19,733 --> 00:39:22,443
Gonzalo, the South
American revolutionary?
443
00:39:22,467 --> 00:39:23,667
Oh, Gonzalo.
444
00:39:24,733 --> 00:39:25,533
[FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
445
00:39:29,367 --> 00:39:31,167
Then you're my tiger of dreams.
446
00:39:33,733 --> 00:39:34,567
My tiger,
447
00:39:36,767 --> 00:39:37,600
[FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
448
00:39:40,433 --> 00:39:43,600
- What do I have to do?
- He whispered, while we danced.
449
00:39:44,967 --> 00:39:47,400
You are the perfume
and essence of all things.
450
00:39:48,767 --> 00:39:51,367
You have bruised your head,
against the world's reality.
451
00:39:52,567 --> 00:39:56,633
You don't see the city,
houses, men, you see beyond.
452
00:40:00,667 --> 00:40:03,867
But I don't want,
always what is beyond.
453
00:40:07,333 --> 00:40:09,900
I want this world.
454
00:40:12,667 --> 00:40:17,133
This world but, with
grandchildren, and heroism.
455
00:40:20,567 --> 00:40:24,833
I want to go to Spain with
you now, I want to see war.
456
00:40:26,333 --> 00:40:30,776
When she met Gonzalo,
interestingly he was,
457
00:40:30,800 --> 00:40:33,167
in a sense,
the traditional Spanish man.
458
00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:39,409
And he brought out,
the passive, feminine,
459
00:40:39,433 --> 00:40:42,100
woman in her.
And she thoroughly enjoyed it.
460
00:40:43,300 --> 00:40:49,176
And I think she was also attracted
to what, initially seemed to be his,
461
00:40:49,200 --> 00:40:54,776
radical politics, and his fieriness,
and his kind of seriousness,
462
00:40:54,800 --> 00:40:58,909
and his passion. Which was a
counter point, both to Henry and to Hugo,
463
00:40:58,933 --> 00:41:01,033
I would say.
In terms of temperament.
464
00:41:04,000 --> 00:41:07,267
Here is Gonzalo, ardently
breathing out the fire of revolution.
465
00:41:08,867 --> 00:41:11,267
He wants to kiss me wildly,
and talk vehemently.
466
00:41:12,667 --> 00:41:16,100
With Gonzalo I entered that
dream of communism, its essence.
467
00:41:17,400 --> 00:41:20,700
The white ghost of communism,
as it must have been in Russia.
468
00:41:23,367 --> 00:41:27,409
Little idiot Anais,
you're given a spider web,
469
00:41:27,433 --> 00:41:29,967
and you want to make a
sail out of it, and sail a boat.
470
00:41:30,967 --> 00:41:35,400
Oh I want a boat, I want to get
outside of the world with Gonzalo.
471
00:41:37,000 --> 00:41:40,767
He is a pirate, an anarchist,
lover, and warrior.
472
00:41:42,533 --> 00:41:46,067
Anais Donclay, at dawn
he must put on his armor.
473
00:41:47,433 --> 00:41:49,067
He will leave you for a crusade.
474
00:41:50,333 --> 00:41:52,167
So what did Gonzalo feel in you?
475
00:41:54,433 --> 00:41:56,067
The writing, the diaries.
476
00:41:57,667 --> 00:42:01,776
I was surrendering to great
passion, and reporting back
477
00:42:01,800 --> 00:42:04,067
through the diaries,
the experience of a woman.
478
00:42:06,867 --> 00:42:10,933
Revolution is another orgasm,
sainthood is another orgasm.
479
00:42:12,500 --> 00:42:17,009
They are made of wafers, on
the lip, of blood and wounds,
480
00:42:17,033 --> 00:42:21,876
experiencing while blabbering
odd or dead words, in epilepsy,
481
00:42:21,900 --> 00:42:26,200
or insanity. All pulsations
leading to explosion.
482
00:42:27,733 --> 00:42:32,133
Gongs of pleasure, sound
in church bells, or death mills.
483
00:42:35,600 --> 00:42:38,867
I wanted a houseboat on the
sand, to look Gonzalo and to write.
484
00:42:40,000 --> 00:42:43,833
I wrote on the title page, Les
mots flottants, the floating words.
485
00:42:45,600 --> 00:42:47,400
I had to find
a houseboat for them.
486
00:42:48,967 --> 00:42:50,800
Was Henry jealous, of Gonzalo?
487
00:42:51,733 --> 00:42:54,600
Yes, and they both fought
desperately for my attention.
488
00:42:55,867 --> 00:42:59,343
There was a Saturday night, when
Henry insisted that I was with him,
489
00:42:59,367 --> 00:43:01,400
so Gonzalo insisted
on the same night.
490
00:43:02,767 --> 00:43:05,943
That evening, I put a
sleep drug in Henry's tea,
491
00:43:05,967 --> 00:43:07,400
and by 10 o'clock,
he was asleep.
492
00:43:08,633 --> 00:43:11,233
I dressed, and crept to Gonzalo.
493
00:43:12,900 --> 00:43:16,409
And he was so frightened, by
what Henry would do, if he woke,
494
00:43:16,433 --> 00:43:17,467
that he couldn't perform.
495
00:43:19,433 --> 00:43:22,033
At 5:30 am,
I rushed back to Henry.
496
00:43:23,067 --> 00:43:25,133
He hadn't woken,
the luck of the bandits.
497
00:43:27,033 --> 00:43:30,000
I gave Henry everything
that he wanted and,
498
00:43:31,300 --> 00:43:33,100
then went home and gave
Hugo a gift.
499
00:43:34,933 --> 00:43:36,567
Was it just sex or love?
500
00:43:40,933 --> 00:43:42,533
I had at that time an,
501
00:43:44,367 --> 00:43:48,033
emotional love tapeworm,
never enough.
502
00:43:51,500 --> 00:43:54,000
When you vibrate
deeply, sexually,
503
00:43:55,500 --> 00:43:56,933
when you love passionately,
504
00:43:58,467 --> 00:44:02,909
then it is like a warm current, in the
body, which creates a warm contact
505
00:44:02,933 --> 00:44:05,933
with all.
I feel so many people.
506
00:44:07,767 --> 00:44:11,567
Physically, amorously, cause
I am in a state of warmth,
507
00:44:13,367 --> 00:44:16,300
like a mystic,
it is immensely overflow.
508
00:44:18,433 --> 00:44:23,700
But mainly it was Gonzalo More,
Henry Miller, and my husband Hugo
509
00:44:25,433 --> 00:44:29,000
They were the three main men,
during my lady time in Paris.
510
00:44:34,533 --> 00:44:37,533
It feels as if Paris,
was a love affair too.
511
00:44:38,867 --> 00:44:40,467
That all this, couldn't of
happened anywhere else.
512
00:44:42,600 --> 00:44:46,033
Well there was, there was
such a magic about Paris.
513
00:44:47,367 --> 00:44:51,533
The smell of pate, and charcoal
burners, tobacco, and cafe o'lait,
514
00:44:53,367 --> 00:44:54,233
and the people.
515
00:44:55,633 --> 00:44:58,543
We went to the madness
club house, with an omelet,
516
00:44:58,567 --> 00:44:59,833
with a big pockets.
517
00:45:00,600 --> 00:45:03,676
And then to play chess at
the cafe, where the old actors
518
00:45:03,700 --> 00:45:07,509
meet for a game, to the tunes
of those tired classical musicians
519
00:45:07,533 --> 00:45:09,367
playing quartets,
and we stayed until dawn.
520
00:45:10,633 --> 00:45:16,243
As the tired prostitutes wore
down, and the music inside of me.
521
00:45:16,267 --> 00:45:19,533
I feel the mad hope of jazz,
it ended in my blood.
522
00:45:31,667 --> 00:45:32,933
[RADIO BROADCAST]
523
00:45:33,600 --> 00:45:36,243
England is determined
that the violence must cease.
524
00:45:36,267 --> 00:45:39,476
Premier Deladier told the foreign affairs
commission, to the chamber of deputies
525
00:45:39,500 --> 00:45:42,843
that France does not wish to live
any longer, in the state of insecurity,
526
00:45:42,867 --> 00:45:44,467
prevailing in the last few
years. And both Allies,
527
00:45:45,533 --> 00:45:47,967
have said that they cannot trust the
word of the present German government.
528
00:45:48,933 --> 00:45:52,176
The bombs aren't literally falling
around her, but they might as well be,
529
00:45:52,200 --> 00:45:53,233
at that point.
530
00:45:54,400 --> 00:45:57,033
It suddenly dawns on her,
that perhaps being in Europe,
531
00:45:58,967 --> 00:46:02,533
in the midst of World War II,
is not the best idea.
532
00:46:06,467 --> 00:46:08,667
At the first air raids,
I would not hide.
533
00:46:09,967 --> 00:46:13,300
I wanted to encounter war,
and feel its burning face.
534
00:46:14,933 --> 00:46:19,333
A shell fell in my courtyard, Hugo
was ordered back to the United States.
535
00:46:21,767 --> 00:46:23,767
It was time for us to leave
for New York.
536
00:46:26,433 --> 00:46:29,200
The parting from Paris,
the parting from a form of life,
537
00:46:30,433 --> 00:46:33,700
from mysterious nights,
the menace of war,
538
00:46:34,700 --> 00:46:39,033
the sound of anti-aircraft guns,
of airplanes passing, of sirens.
539
00:46:48,633 --> 00:46:50,767
When Gonzalo came to see me,
I was weeping.
540
00:46:51,867 --> 00:46:53,867
I felt too wrenching from Henry.
541
00:47:27,833 --> 00:47:30,133
I carried the diaries,
in a little blue cloth bag.
542
00:47:38,600 --> 00:47:40,800
The time on the train,
was so long and sad.
543
00:47:41,833 --> 00:47:45,667
A glimpse of the tragic face
of Spain, its hunger, its ruins.
544
00:47:47,600 --> 00:47:51,443
At the frontier, locked up in the
cloth bag, lies the hidden story
545
00:47:51,467 --> 00:47:52,333
of these eight years.
546
00:47:55,733 --> 00:47:59,000
When I felt so uprooted,
torn, split,
547
00:48:00,400 --> 00:48:04,600
I reread two volumes, and
felt again, the force of my life,
548
00:48:05,833 --> 00:48:09,800
the fire of it. I warmed
myself, to my one flame.
549
00:48:11,267 --> 00:48:15,433
It was, I felt small and sick,
and powerless at that moment.
550
00:48:23,767 --> 00:48:27,509
I think Paris was this gorgeous
bubble, I think the war was
551
00:48:27,533 --> 00:48:28,533
a real reckoning.
552
00:48:29,467 --> 00:48:31,533
And it was reality,
slamming down.
553
00:48:33,733 --> 00:48:37,609
So Anais Nin goes to New York,
which she describes as,
554
00:48:37,633 --> 00:48:42,609
brutal, and mechanistic, and hard, and
full of concrete, and poverty, and strife.
555
00:48:42,633 --> 00:48:45,800
She describes American
as robots, and she is rootless.
556
00:48:50,833 --> 00:48:53,500
New York, I feel like a ghost.
557
00:48:56,467 --> 00:49:00,533
Hugo's bank takes care of us, so I
enter a palace of Byzantine luxury.
558
00:49:01,967 --> 00:49:05,967
The more comforts, warmth,
luxurious beds, service,
559
00:49:07,467 --> 00:49:08,667
the lonelier I feel.
560
00:49:11,367 --> 00:49:13,300
As one can only feel
in a palace.
561
00:49:19,500 --> 00:49:22,300
I landed in my diaries,
but without my soul.
562
00:49:28,500 --> 00:49:32,367
The machine in Europe, it is killing
people, and here it is canning them.
563
00:49:34,533 --> 00:49:38,133
It would have been better for all of us
to die in flame, than this kind of death.
564
00:49:47,800 --> 00:49:49,600
And then the others arrived.
565
00:49:50,967 --> 00:49:52,267
Gonzalo, and Henry,
566
00:49:54,600 --> 00:49:56,467
I paid their fares, their rents.
567
00:49:57,633 --> 00:50:02,909
I was overstretched financially,
but I felt responsible for them all.
568
00:50:02,933 --> 00:50:04,667
But you managed,
you supported them all.
569
00:50:05,900 --> 00:50:10,576
With a little bit of help, you see
Henry was offered 100 dollars a month,
570
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:12,967
to write erotic stories
about a wealthy client.
571
00:50:15,000 --> 00:50:18,000
At first he wrote all these
wild stories but,
572
00:50:19,700 --> 00:50:22,976
but then he got annoyed, because of course
he wanted to do his proper writing, so
573
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:25,167
so he suggested that
I give it a go.
574
00:50:27,367 --> 00:50:29,867
I wrote a few stories,
and sent them off and,
575
00:50:31,000 --> 00:50:32,300
and then I received
a phone call.
576
00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:43,476
It's fine, but leave out the
poetry, and the descriptions
577
00:50:43,500 --> 00:50:46,233
of anything but the sex.
I just want the sex.
578
00:50:51,300 --> 00:50:54,176
So I began to write,
a bit tongue in cheek.
579
00:50:54,200 --> 00:50:58,100
I was so outlandish and inventive,
I thought it would be too much.
580
00:50:59,500 --> 00:51:01,200
I spent days studying
the Karma Sutra.
581
00:51:02,400 --> 00:51:05,233
And listening to friends'
most extreme adventures.
582
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:09,600
And what does the beast do?
583
00:51:11,667 --> 00:51:14,700
I had a feeling that here
was a Pandora's box which,
584
00:51:16,367 --> 00:51:18,500
contained women's sensuality.
585
00:51:19,700 --> 00:51:23,700
So different from a man's,
and from which man's language,
586
00:51:25,533 --> 00:51:26,600
seemed inadequate.
587
00:51:27,800 --> 00:51:30,367
- Would you like me to read some of the stories?
- Please.
588
00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:43,609
She remembered Martinez, the flick
of his tongue covering the distance,
589
00:51:43,633 --> 00:51:45,267
from the pubic hair
to the buttocks.
590
00:51:46,667 --> 00:51:48,933
How do I look to him,
she asked herself.
591
00:51:50,633 --> 00:51:54,067
She got up and brought a long
mirror, and stood it against the chair.
592
00:51:55,533 --> 00:51:58,800
Then she sat down in front of
it, and slowly opened her legs.
593
00:51:59,867 --> 00:52:01,633
The sight was enchanting.
594
00:52:03,367 --> 00:52:07,609
She thought it was like the
gum plant leaf, with its secret milk,
595
00:52:07,633 --> 00:52:09,433
that the pressure
of the finger could bring out.
596
00:52:10,400 --> 00:52:13,867
The odorous moisture, that came
like the moisture of the seashells.
597
00:52:17,267 --> 00:52:21,609
Women discovered in Anais
Nin's writing, a kind of delicacy,
598
00:52:21,633 --> 00:52:25,133
and a poise and intelligence,
that are really unique.
599
00:52:26,700 --> 00:52:30,509
It wasn't about how do men
see women? It was about how do,
600
00:52:30,533 --> 00:52:34,343
women see women? How
do, women experience the world
601
00:52:34,367 --> 00:52:36,000
and experience their sexuality?
602
00:52:36,767 --> 00:52:41,567
She described a woman being able to
pleasure herself, for herself, with herself.
603
00:52:43,400 --> 00:52:48,609
And, also men were there,
but it was women
604
00:52:48,633 --> 00:52:49,767
as the center of everything.
605
00:52:51,500 --> 00:52:55,333
And with her fingers, she opened
the two little lips of the vulva.
606
00:52:56,833 --> 00:53:01,433
And she began stroking it, with
cat like softness, back and forth.
607
00:53:03,667 --> 00:53:04,767
She writes in her sort of,
608
00:53:06,733 --> 00:53:12,009
dream state. She just slips
into this far more, free fall,
609
00:53:12,033 --> 00:53:18,643
impressionistic state. Which
is quite original, it's sexy,
610
00:53:18,667 --> 00:53:22,643
there are no boundaries.
There's bestiality,
611
00:53:22,667 --> 00:53:27,909
there's paedophilia, there's
necrophilia, there's lesbian scenes,
612
00:53:27,933 --> 00:53:32,709
there's everything. She's just running
through this gimmick of fantasies.
613
00:53:32,733 --> 00:53:35,167
Some of it, presumably
based on her inexperience.
614
00:53:45,867 --> 00:53:47,867
While writing the erotica,
I remembered this,
615
00:53:49,000 --> 00:53:53,500
I was seven or eight years, my father
always took us to the attic to be whipped.
616
00:53:55,400 --> 00:53:58,267
We all hated this,
and begged to be forgiven.
617
00:53:59,600 --> 00:54:04,509
Now I ask myself, if the hand that
administered the powerful spankings,
618
00:54:04,533 --> 00:54:07,033
must have awakened
a region of pleasure.
619
00:54:12,933 --> 00:54:15,533
I never before was aware,
of a link between them.
620
00:54:16,600 --> 00:54:19,767
Until one night I entered one of those
booths, where they show erotic films.
621
00:54:20,800 --> 00:54:25,200
And I saw a scene where a woman bent another
over, and began spanking her sharply.
622
00:54:30,033 --> 00:54:34,676
I felt the most amazing pleasure.
I grew wet between the legs,
623
00:54:34,700 --> 00:54:37,200
and began to palpitate,
almost reaching orgasm.
624
00:54:58,400 --> 00:55:01,967
I entered into a period,
of erotic madness.
625
00:55:05,900 --> 00:55:07,900
Some were young, too young.
626
00:55:12,333 --> 00:55:14,133
Deliver me from obsessive love.
627
00:55:15,700 --> 00:55:17,967
People think I only crave
love or worship.
628
00:55:19,567 --> 00:55:22,467
Nobody knows I am crying out
for my very existence.
629
00:55:23,800 --> 00:55:26,000
I only exist in the body
of my lover.
630
00:55:28,800 --> 00:55:30,467
How can I go anywhere, alone?
631
00:55:32,867 --> 00:55:35,300
I have written not to be alone.
632
00:55:40,300 --> 00:55:43,843
I see her as this,
quite broken individual.
633
00:55:43,867 --> 00:55:47,676
Who had lots of pathologies, which
are clearly survival mechanisms.
634
00:55:47,700 --> 00:55:49,900
She's not,
she's not this abusive woman,
635
00:55:50,767 --> 00:55:53,909
who's deliberately mistreating
others, she's someone who is skating
636
00:55:53,933 --> 00:55:56,943
on thin ice, psychologically.
637
00:55:56,967 --> 00:55:59,967
With huge amounts of ambition,
and desire, and energy, and of course,
638
00:56:01,400 --> 00:56:04,743
you know what does a woman
have to sell, if she's got nothing?
639
00:56:04,767 --> 00:56:06,467
Her sexuality,
because there's nothing left.
640
00:56:07,433 --> 00:56:13,276
As she started getting into the
affairs, I myself was a young woman,
641
00:56:13,300 --> 00:56:17,943
and was shocked.
And I had to grapple with my own
642
00:56:17,967 --> 00:56:19,133
feelings of judgment.
643
00:56:20,300 --> 00:56:23,733
When it came to reading about
her affair with her father,
644
00:56:24,967 --> 00:56:27,967
I, threw the book
across the room.
645
00:56:29,467 --> 00:56:32,400
And, had to take
a few deep breaths.
646
00:56:33,633 --> 00:56:36,467
I await my father
with deep joy and patience.
647
00:56:37,867 --> 00:56:42,300
I recognize in him the king, the leader
of the mental world I had created alone.
648
00:56:44,700 --> 00:56:49,100
I am dazzled, his hair was
perfumed, his nails immaculate.
649
00:56:51,367 --> 00:56:54,767
She meets him again, when
she's 33, and he's about 53.
650
00:56:55,967 --> 00:56:59,333
And he is a dashing man,
who flirts with her.
651
00:57:00,533 --> 00:57:05,409
Now what a fascinating thing,
for her to,
652
00:57:05,433 --> 00:57:07,500
perhaps turn the tables, on him.
653
00:57:10,467 --> 00:57:12,267
He was watching me, constantly.
654
00:57:13,633 --> 00:57:16,433
He said, "what a tragedy
I meet the woman of my life,
655
00:57:17,900 --> 00:57:19,000
and it is my daughter".
656
00:57:21,300 --> 00:57:23,167
We looked at each other,
as if in a dream,
657
00:57:25,567 --> 00:57:29,033
we kissed, and that kiss
unleashed a wave, of desire.
658
00:57:31,600 --> 00:57:34,933
"We must avoid possession",
he said, "but oh let me kiss you".
659
00:57:37,500 --> 00:57:40,433
He uncovered himself,
and with a strange violence,
660
00:57:41,767 --> 00:57:46,476
I lifted my negligee,
and lay over him.
661
00:57:46,500 --> 00:57:49,867
Anais he cried,
"I've lost my god".
662
00:58:08,000 --> 00:58:08,833
Were you happy?
663
00:58:10,467 --> 00:58:11,300
Happy?
664
00:58:17,933 --> 00:58:20,133
I have never described before,
665
00:58:21,467 --> 00:58:25,500
the act of self-murder, which takes
place after my being with someone.
666
00:58:29,000 --> 00:58:33,709
A sense of shame,
for the most trivial defect.
667
00:58:33,733 --> 00:58:37,733
Lack, sleep, error,
for being too passionate.
668
00:58:40,333 --> 00:58:42,800
For not being free,
or being too impulsive.
669
00:58:44,900 --> 00:58:48,033
For not being myself,
or being too much so.
670
00:58:51,600 --> 00:58:54,333
-That is, very touching,
it sounds so… Desperate.
671
00:58:56,267 --> 00:58:57,100
It was.
672
00:59:00,967 --> 00:59:05,533
I had finished with Gonzalo,
and, I had finished with Henry,
673
00:59:07,400 --> 00:59:09,867
Hugo was more of a brother
to me, most of the time.
674
00:59:10,833 --> 00:59:15,409
And the diaries? At this point
everyone, knew about them,
675
00:59:15,433 --> 00:59:17,309
but they didn't get published.
676
00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:20,933
The thing that,
made me very sad was that,
677
00:59:22,500 --> 00:59:26,967
everything that I wrote, the stories,
the novels, originated from the diaries.
678
00:59:29,500 --> 00:59:31,367
But I couldn't get the diaries
past the censor.
679
00:59:33,300 --> 00:59:36,909
She suddenly changes from the person
who only wants to have love affairs,
680
00:59:36,933 --> 00:59:41,509
and see where that takes her, to being
someone that says now I want to get this work
681
00:59:41,533 --> 00:59:42,900
out and no one will take it.
682
00:59:44,567 --> 00:59:47,200
So she just buys her own press,
and publishes her own work.
683
00:59:48,400 --> 00:59:52,843
Gonzalo was a trained printist,
so he helps, but she types it,
684
00:59:52,867 --> 00:59:54,967
and hand cranks all
the work herself.
685
00:59:58,600 --> 01:00:03,233
Work has degraded me, I have no
time for obsessions. I began typesetting.
686
01:00:04,767 --> 01:00:08,809
I go to work regularly at the
press, morning and afternoon.
687
01:00:08,833 --> 01:00:13,476
Setting by me, printing by
Gonzalo. We work with fervor,
688
01:00:13,500 --> 01:00:14,300
and intensity.
689
01:00:16,067 --> 01:00:20,533
June, 1942, the book was
finished at 11:45 at night.
690
01:00:27,533 --> 01:00:30,967
My brother once described me as a still
hummingbird, determined to be famous.
691
01:00:32,000 --> 01:00:34,900
And I was determined,
20 years of work behind me.
692
01:00:37,433 --> 01:00:42,476
I wrote to colleges, asking for invitations
to speak, and I sent them copies
693
01:00:42,500 --> 01:00:44,133
of my books,
and photographs, and,
694
01:00:45,433 --> 01:00:49,267
and slowly, very slowly I began
to get a following for my fiction.
695
01:00:52,267 --> 01:00:56,276
And by the end of the 1940's, she
had quite a few things published.
696
01:00:56,300 --> 01:01:00,843
Short stories, novels like House
of Incest, and Winter of Artif, e
697
01:01:00,867 --> 01:01:02,633
and some volumes
of the early diaries.
698
01:01:03,933 --> 01:01:08,443
And on these university tours,
she was met with a lot
699
01:01:08,467 --> 01:01:12,443
of avid, young feminist
students, in particular.
700
01:01:12,467 --> 01:01:16,609
Who had been very inspired
by the diary, and by the sense
701
01:01:16,633 --> 01:01:20,476
that Nin had lived, what
seemed impossible at the time,
702
01:01:20,500 --> 01:01:22,667
this truly liberated life,
as a woman.
703
01:01:23,600 --> 01:01:27,033
And so for certain feminists,
she was somewhat of an icon.
704
01:01:32,733 --> 01:01:34,667
You said you're still
with your husband.
705
01:01:36,267 --> 01:01:39,843
- Do you sort of muddle along?
- Not muddle along as a person.
706
01:01:39,867 --> 01:01:43,543
- Oh I'm sorry, I didn't.
- F. Scott Fitzgerald said that there are no second acts,
707
01:01:43,567 --> 01:01:44,467
in American lives.
708
01:01:45,533 --> 01:01:47,200
Of course we know that
he is wrong.
709
01:01:49,067 --> 01:01:50,367
He looks like Hugo,
20 years ago.
710
01:01:51,267 --> 01:01:52,733
Everybody says that.
711
01:01:54,300 --> 01:01:58,333
His name is Rupert Pole, he works
for the forestry commission in California.
712
01:02:01,933 --> 01:02:04,833
I have two husbands,
it's complicated.
713
01:02:07,500 --> 01:02:10,933
What's really interesting about
Nin, is that from the 40's onwards,
714
01:02:11,933 --> 01:02:17,009
she has two husbands. One on the
east coast, Hugo the original husband,
715
01:02:17,033 --> 01:02:21,309
one on the west coast, Rupert
Pole. And she flies between
716
01:02:21,333 --> 01:02:23,876
the two husbands. Neither of
them know about each other.
717
01:02:23,900 --> 01:02:26,200
In her day it was so shocking, that it
could never come out, so she had to have
718
01:02:27,500 --> 01:02:30,533
two check books, two sets
of prescriptions, either side
719
01:02:31,567 --> 01:02:35,733
of the Atlantic, she had to have a lie
box, so she knew what she was telling
720
01:02:36,933 --> 01:02:39,976
each husband. She's behaving
like a character in her book,
721
01:02:40,000 --> 01:02:44,376
so she's maintained these
facades of lies. And she has these
722
01:02:44,400 --> 01:02:47,643
multiple diaries where one
of them, is the real diary.
723
01:02:47,667 --> 01:02:51,609
In which she writes about what she's
truly getting up to. And the other one
724
01:02:51,633 --> 01:02:55,509
is just like a prop, in a drama.
What's astounding really,
725
01:02:55,533 --> 01:03:00,343
is that she was able to keep
those two lives going for so long,
726
01:03:00,367 --> 01:03:03,300
we're talking around about
30 years, that she kept up,
727
01:03:04,467 --> 01:03:05,867
this traveling back and forth.
728
01:03:07,967 --> 01:03:12,476
The salacious details of
her life, tend to obscure
729
01:03:12,500 --> 01:03:16,376
how good a writer she actually
was. And you don't get to be
730
01:03:16,400 --> 01:03:20,809
a New York Times best seller,
without being a good writer.
731
01:03:20,833 --> 01:03:25,043
People wanted to read this
stuff, and people still want to read
732
01:03:25,067 --> 01:03:26,533
this stuff.
733
01:03:27,433 --> 01:03:30,643
And that's a testament, I
think to the power of her writing,
734
01:03:30,667 --> 01:03:32,533
and how interesting
her ideas are.
62409
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