All language subtitles for Kevin Can Fuck Himself s01e06 The Grand Victorian.eng

Previously on
"Kevin Can F... Himself"...Ridgeway: Patty O'Connor?

Detective Tammy Ridgeway,
Worcester PD.

Detective Ridgeway
is looking for the local dealer.

Yeah, you.
We give her somebody different.

I need those pills
for him,

'cause I'm gonna
kill Kevin.

I'm actually good at doing
terrible things to people.

I quit.

Gragh!

And what are you doing
next Friday? What?

You must not have
heard of me.I've heard of you.

Give me some
pills, honey.

♪

You know any
natural-born killers?I think I might.

♪

And just so you know,
this isn't

some random guy that
we're asking you to...

♪

He's awful.

I mean, it -- it might seem like
he's just an idiot -- and he is.

Don't get me wrong.
He is an idiot.

But he is also manipulative
and an asshole and --

Nick: Shut up.
Hm?

Stop talking.

How much?

Seven grand. Cash.

[Pills rattle]And these.

As a down payment.

[Laughs]

Okay.
I can do it.

Wow, that's...

Oh, you guys got a picture
or anything?

Allison, picture.Oh, yes.

Yeah, um, I have a picture

and, um, his name,
his employer.

He does, uh, fiber-optic
installation and maintenance.

And I managed to get my hand on
his schedule

for the next few weeks,
although it's not exact

because if you've ever waited
around for a cable guy,

you know --Shut up.

♪

I just thought
that it might help.

Let me see
his picture.

Yeah, I mean, probably

the less specifics we know
the better, right?

Sure.

What kind of timeline
we looking at?

♪

Soon?
Y-Yeah.

♪

Soon works.
Don't contact me.

When it's done,
you'll definitely know.

I'll come find you
for payment.

So that's it?

You want a receipt?

No.
Of course not.

Come on.

Oh, hey,
you take care of Tammy?

Who?Her and her partner
are not letting this go,

and it's starting
to piss me off.

Yeah, I'm on it.

But after this,
you and me, we good?

♪

You bet.

♪

I'm nothing if not
reasonable.

♪

[Laughter]

[High-pitched ringing]

Jesus.

This is something out of
a horror movie.

I mean, it feels like

hands are reaching through
the chair to squeeze my neck.

I think I like it.

Really?

I mean,
it's tacky and awful,

but I've never
had a massage before.

I'm not sure
this counts.

Ah, I feel like my body's
been tense for years,

and I can finally
just relax.

Relax?

After the meeting
we just had?

Mm.

No, it's like the --

the one time I was on a plane
for a swim meet.

I was terrified.

Once we took off,
I was totally calm

because, once you're up there,
it's done.

It's decided.

You either stay in the air
or you fall,

but either way,
it's out of your hands

and into the pilot's,
you know?

It's his responsibility.

You know, I don't love that
Nick told me to shut up.

There aren't that many
polite people

who definitely murdered their
stepdad and got away with it.

I guess.

He did say it
like five times.

We want the guy to be
a little unhinged.

You're not really gonna buy
one of these, are you?

They're so expensive.

Well, I have no choice.

If I don't get this
for Kevin's birthday,

he's just gonna
get it himself.

Said the only thing missing
is a Robert Kraft setting

and laughing his ass off.[Laughs]

Hey, what?

Just --

This is quite a present
for a guy

who got you a rubber-band ball
on Valentine's.

He knew I was always
losing my hair ties.

He thought they were
rubber bands.

Almost thoughtful.

Alright,
now it's getting fresh.

Whoa! Okay.

♪

No buyer's remorse?

No.

It's done.

I, uh -- I got him
the brown leather chair.

He said black is classy,
but to hell with it

'cause I also got him
that ice-cream cake

that he demanded even though
he's lactose intolerant, so...

Kevin's birthday --
always an event.

Oh, what do you mean, the two
dinners he juggles every year?

You know about that?

Patty, he insists that we eat at
the Vic House every year

which happens to be right next
door to Tricky Ricky's Fun Zone,

and 10 minutes in, he says that
he left something in the car

and I don't see him
for an hour and a half.

So, yeah.
Yeah, Patty, I know.

I-I just don't know
why he bothers.

He wants you and Neil to think
you're both his favorite,

so he runs back and forth.

Jesus.

He must think I'm an idiot,
huh?

No, I think he thinks
he's a mastermind.

Also, Neil's fallen for it
for 10 years.

So I guess you've been in
the crowd at Tricky Ricky's?

Well, y-yeah.

I mean,
I'm, you know, sorry.

Don't be.

I look forward to
Kevin's birthday every year

'cause I get to have
a nice dinner by myself

and I have some wine
and I bring I book that I start

and I never finish.

It's, honestly,
the one night a year

I can look forward
to some peace.

Wow.

That's what
you look forward to?

Well, this year,
I need it more than ever.

You really think
that I didn't know?

I am realizing I used to think
you were kind of stupid.

Well, back at you.

Uh, you wanna grab some lunch,
or...?

I mean, you got a while before
your sad dinner alone.

Yeah, I can't.
I have to -- I have work.

Ah, yeah. New job.
Yeah.

Is the yuppie diner as thrilling
as the package store?

You know, it's -- it's --
everything's boring.

You know, work is work.

Work is work, yeah.

Well, this is me, so, um,

I will see you
after Tricky Ricky's.

Actually, I'm, uh --
I'm gonna skip this one.

Just I'm not really
feeling up to it.

What, are you sick?

I can bring you some soup
from the diner.

No, I'm not sick.I can bring you home
some soup.

No, I'm -- I just -- I'm gonna
stay in, watch a movie.

You're not the only one
who likes her alone time.

Absolutely.

Love alone time.

♪

God,
I feel like I'm 17 again.

I know.

♪

I thought we weren't gonna
do this anymore.

No, you didn't.

♪

This is so stupid.

What am I even -- this is...

Who cares? Who cares?

Oh, God.

♪ You're someone else's
steady girl♪

♪ I gaze on from afar♪

I like working here.

I like you working here.

[Radio playing indistinctly]

I have this thing I gotta do
after I close,

but, um, maybe we can meet
back up here later.

Um, normally, I would.

But not tonight?

I -- It's, uh --
it's kind of a special night.

It's a long story,
but, um --

Okay.
Message received.

Rain check?

Of course.

I think the boss scheduled us
together again this weekend,

so I'm sure
we'll find some time.

Okay.

Oh, good.
I caught you.

Hey.

I wanted to give you this
for your sad, lonely dinner.

Oh, wow.

I told you, it's not sad,
but, um, thank you.

"The Pearl."

Yeah, it's a novella,

so you actually have an outside
shot of finishing this one.

God, Patty, are you --
you being thoughtful?

No, please, shut up.

I just had it
lying around.

It's nothing.

Are you wearing a blouse
for your night in?

And this whole --

You know, I mean,
sometimes you gotta do

something dumb
to feel good about yourself.

Right?

Yeah. Yep.

[Chuckles]
You do.

Have a great night.

Yes.

Bye.

♪

What a birthday, huh?

Just me and my girl,
the guys be damned.

It's my favorite
tradition.

Yep.

Neil wanted to hang tonight,
but I said,

"Bro, I can hang with yous
any night.

This is my birthday, and that's
meant for my favorite person."

Aww.

Who gives the best gifts.

Ah.

Right this way.Ah.

Thank you so much.

[Laughter]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Enjoy.

[Laughter]

And for my girl, we don't go to
just any restaurant.

No, no, no.
This -- This is tie food.

Pretty sure that name's
already taken.

Good evening.

Can I start you off
with anything to drink?

Um, well,
it's a special occasion,

so how about a-a nice
bottle of red?

Um, no.

Since it's my birthday
and I'm the most important one,

I choose two glasses
of the Pinot.

So the cheapest?

Yes.

[Laughter]

Box or bottle,
it all goes down the same.

Am I right, babe?

Well, it's gotta be
more expensive for a reason.

Like a car with airbags,
which would be nice.

Oh, sweetie,
you are way too trusting.

These people spot suckers like
you coming from a mile away.

Something wrong?

Dang it.
You know what?

I think I left something
in my car.

Well, by all means,
go get it.

Oh.

[Laughter]

[Sighs]

Thank you.

♪

♪

[Sighs]

♪

Oh, God.

[Sighs] What the hell
was I thinking?

There you are.
Mm?

Sneaking in
through the back?

Uh, kind of.

I wasn't sure
you'd come.

Well, when the law tells you to
show up someplace, you do it.

I like you.

You want something
to drink?

♪

Are you trying to ply me
with liquor or something?

Maybe.

[Chuckles]
No need, officer.

I-I confess.

♪

Two vodka sodas.Coming up.

Is one of those for m--
I like beer.

Mm,
you think you like beer.

You just need to
broaden your horizons.

♪

Right.

So you wanted
to talk to me.

What?

You -- You said that
you wanted to talk to me,

like you had
some questions --

Yeah, I mean, siblings,
favorite movies, pets,

just kind of your typical
first-date questionnaire.

Though I'm always up for going
straight to childhood trauma.

♪

Here you go.
Two vodka sodas.

♪

I am gonna need this.

♪

Oh.

That'll grow on you.
Trust me.

[Glasses clink]

He's not coming.
He's coming.

Of course he's coming.I know he's not coming.

Then why'd I text him 14 times
and no responses?

Will you not be an idiot?
Of course he's coming.

He would never miss this.

We did a double pinky promise
and everything.

Oh, there he is,
the birthday boy.

Hey, everybody, this old
son-of-a-gun's my best friend.

Mine!

They know, man.
They know.

So the big three-six,
huh, Kev?

You beat Jesus
by three years.

Yeah, plus I got
way better abs.

We were, uh, getting
a little nervous, Kev.

I thought maybe
you were gonna stand us up.

Were -- Were you doing
something fun, or...?

Well, it's never fun
breaking it to Allison

that she's gotta stay home
all night.

Definitely not invited
to my birthday.

No sir.
Oh, yeah.

The human
weighted blanket.

More like
the human wetted blanket.

Not today.

I said
today belongs to Neil

and the one thing
that'll bring us closer --

a giant foam cowboy hat.

Together: She's beautiful.

So, uh, Neil, you brought
the tickets, right, buddy?

Pulled them out of the safety
deposit box this morning.

Ah.
Five years' worth.

We're only 200 shy
of the promised land.

So should we hit
the appetizer zone now

and start to
build our strength up?

Hell yes.
Neil, you know what to do.

Poppers and sticks,
salsa and chips,

weenies and wings,
taters and rings.

Coming right up.

Garckon?

[Laughter]

Don't miss.

Don't talk to me
while I'm doing it.

Okay, go ahead.

Okay.

Oh!

I'm sorry.

I didn't realize
you were so competitive.

It's fine.

Do you want me to
go out into the parking lot

and try to find your dart,
so you can throw it again?

Ridgeway, I figured you, uh --
you'd be over here.

Mm. Fitz, Parker.

This is Patty.

Fitz: You dragged a civilian
to this thing?

That's just cruel.

Nice to meet you.

So you're Tammy's
newest recruit, huh?

Good luck.

Lotta wash outs,
lately.

I will shoot you,
Fitz.

It's, um --
It's good to meet you.

♪

[Laughter]

♪

♪

Boy, we have got to
clean out that car.

It's a disaster in there.

Wow, is it?

Well, hopefully, you didn't
drop anything else in there

while you were rooting around
for the first thing.

I may have.
We'll see.

Do you know what you want,
or do you need a minute?

Uh, I think we're ready.

I'll probably have
something light.

I'm not too hung--
oh, my God.

Sean Avery?

It can't be.
Son of a --

Sir? Sir?

Okay, well, um, I will have
the chicken marsala,

and he will have the --

Excuse me, do you guys know
what's good here?

I'm actually from
out of town.

Oh, you --
you're from out of town.

You shouldn't --
we don't even --

Star struck, huh?

You must be a fan.

Uh, no.

That's Sean Avery.

He was a dirty loser
when he played in the NHL,

and then he had the gall to
slander the proud city of Boston

by calling its fans
chicken.

It's just a game,
pal.

Not to any Boston fan,
it's not.

I was just passing through
and heard there was

some famous meal that's free
if you finish it.

The Mighty Moo?

I love a free meal.

Yeah, right.

That's a 32-ounce steak,
2 baked potatoes,

all the fixings,
a jumbo shrimp cocktail,

and a roll.And a roll.

Couldn't be any bigger
than the steaks

I'm used to eating in
New York City, right?

Waiter, one Mighty Moo.

Yes, sir.

The nerve.

I should show that jerk
how we eat in New England.

Kevin, don't.
Look at him, okay?

He works out, okay?

You can't eat all that.

Did you just --

you really think I can't
out-eat that pretty boy?

No,
that's not what I meant.

You just said
that you weren't hungry.

Well, suddenly,
my appetite has returned.

Garckon,
I've made a decision.

I'll have
what he's having --

to eat for dinner.

[Laughter]

And in the name of the father,
Belichick,

the son, Edelman,
and the holy spirit,

retired nose tackle
and beloved locker-room presence

Vince Wilfork, I vow to win
this eating contest.

Two Mighty Moos.

I'll let the kitchen know.

Very good.

Also, I left something
in my car.

[Laughter]

♪

God.

God, pick up. Pick up.

[Cellphone rings]

You need to get that?

[Indistinct conversations]

Hello?

Patty, he's here.

I saw him. Nick.

What?

Nick is here.

Y-You got to speak up,
hon.

I can't hear a thing.

Nick is here.

I'm freaking out.

He can't do it
here in the open.

He realizes that, right?
That's insane?

Uh-huh. [Chuckles]

"Uh-huh"? Wha--

Why is it so loud?

I thought -- I thought you
stayed in to watch a movie.

No, I-I'm at the movies,
getting a lot of --

getting a lot of dirty looks,
too.

No phones, you know?

Okay, okay, well,
just go outside

at the next boring part,
okay?

It's important.

Oh, God damn.

Okay, call me back.

I thought that was you.
So funny.

Oh, so funny.

Mm.

When we came in, I said, um,
"That's Addison."

Allison.

No.

Yep.

Why did I
think it was Addison?

It's a better name.

Uh, no way.
Allison's classic.

Welp, good to see you.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, um, why don't you come
join us for a drink?

No. I'm great.

Oh, come on.
Just one drink.

Mnh-mnh, no.
I-I don't --

Please.

I'll be mad if you don't.

♪

Lead the way.

Man: Manager to
the junior ball pit.

Manager to the junior BP,
please.

Alright, I know I said I'd spend
the rest of the night here,

but I actually have to
split time with the restaurant.

What could possibly be as
important as the cowboy hat?

Only eating the Mighty Moo

and defeating NHL legend
Sean Avery [spits]

in the name of
Boston sports.

Wait, did you say
the Mighty Moo?

Yeah.

That's a 32-ounce steak,
2 baked potatoes

with all the fixings,
a jumbo shrimp cocktail,

and a roll.
And a roll.

A big-boy meal.

And Allison thought
I couldn't finish it.

Ah.
But I've got a plan.

I set an alarm on my phone to
remind me to switch locations.

I just -- I need your help
distracting Neil.

[Laughter]

Yeah, I can do that.

[Laughter]This way,
we'll win the tickets,

we'll get the hat,
we'll take the photo,

and I can also win
the steak-eating contest.

Order up for Neil.

You really think
this is gonna work?

Of course it'll work.

As long as I don't eat anything
while I'm here.

Happy birthday,
best buddy.

We ordered 36
of everything.

Your dad's idea.

[Laughter]

♪

What a nice evening.Yeah.

Just a book
and a glass of wine.

So peaceful.

But I know I'd get
too self-conscious.

God, I can't even go to
a workout class alone.

Oh, well, no,
I'm actually --

I'm here for
my husband's birthday.

He's just grabbing something
from the car.

Oh, that's so nice.

I'd love to meet him.

Oh, Jenn,
you would love him.

He is -- He is, uh,
a lot of laughs.

Well, this is the only place in
town for a real occasion, right?

Mm.Sam and I had our --
our first date here.

Yeah, yeah.

It's our first time back
in a while.

Hm.
Makes me feel like I'm 17 again.

Well, I hated being 17.

Oh, my God.
Me, too.

You could not pay me
to go back to high school.

By the way,
I love your blouse.

I mean, I'm always terrified
to wear white.

Well, just Shout Wipes.

Little --
Little miracles.

So I'm just gonna, uh --
just -- little girls' room.

♪

♪

♪

♪

♪

Num-num-num-num-
num-num-num.

[Laughter]

Hey, Kev, what gives?

I know the Wing King
of Worcester

can't be stuffed already.

Maybe -- Maybe we should
eat in shifts.

That way, one of us can always
be out playing games.

Play games
on an empty stomach?

Leaving our Skee-Ball tosses
weak, lifeless,

and unable to reach
the hundo hole?

You're right.

We need to eat this stuff
twice as fast as we normally do.

Come on, Wing King.

It's your time to soar.

For the love of the game.

[Chuckles]

Aw, that's good.

[Laughter]

God, it's so good.

[Indistinct conversations]

♪

Patty, is that you?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Hey, I'm Tammy.

I-I just popped by to say hello
on my way to the restroom.

♪

I also have to have to...
piss.

♪

♪

How was the movie?

So I had a thing.
I didn't want to explain it.

It's not a big deal.

Are you drunk?

No.

What the hell,
Patty?

Didn't you even hear me say
that Nick is here tonight?

Like, theNick at
Kevin's birthday party?

What if he tries
to do it here?

Oh, don't be dramatic.
He's not gonna do it here.

That's crazy.Yeah, well, Patty,
he is crazy.

"It's good that he's unhinged,"
remember?

Yeah, and he got away with
killing his stepdad.

He's crazy,
not brain-dead.

He's not gonna do it in
a restaurant full of witnesses.

Maybe I should
talk to him.

What?Well, just so that
he understands

that this is not what --Allison, no.

The guy
got away with murder.

Stop pissing him off.

Okay.

If I just --

Shut up.

It's up to him now.

You know?

You got what you wanted,
right?

Plane's taking off.
You got your pilot.

I lied. Okay?

I was terrified
the entire flight,

and now I'm starting to think
that you chose the wrong pilot.

I chose?

You made it clear you were
doing this no matter what,

so I made the best move
that I could.

Now you're all shocked
that it's a little bit messy.

Well, guess what, Allison.
You're asking for messy.

You're begging for it.

No, no, no.

You're right.
You're right.

I am the one
taking dumb risks.

So why don't you just
go back out there

to the Worcester PD dart league
or whatever the hell that is.

Okay, I --
I'm out with one cop,

and it's actually
very good for us.

What are you
talking about?

Detective Ridgeway
is the one who's been

coming around the salon,
asking all those questions.

So you're getting drunk with her
as a precaution, or --

Yes. No. I-I mean...

When she wanted
to get together,

I thought that she was gonna
grill me again,

but sh-she likes me.

So we can use that.

Is this a date?

No.

Well, you just said that --It's not a real date.

It's just --
I-I think --

it's just --
it's not a real date.

Okay, Jesus Christ.
What the hell is happening?

Hi. How are ya?

Have a great dinner.

You go handle
your own shit.

I'm fine.

Patty, come...

Damn it.

♪

♪

[Laughter]

I was just in the restroom.I was just in my car.

[Laughter]

Hey, his steak looks
a little small.

Guess I should've expected
cheating from a Boston fan.

Uh, waiter,
there seems to be a mistake.

This man should not
have any cups near him

since he couldn't win one
while he played.

[Laughter]

The Stanley Cup
is a hockey thing --

No, I, uh -- I got it.
I understand.

Hey, Kev, um, maybe we should
get out of here.

I-I'm starting to come down
with something.

Allison, there are three days
out of the year

when only I'm allowed
to get sick.

My birthday,
St. Patrick's Day...

Both: And the day after
St. Patrick's Day.

Listen to your wife,
pal.

She's trying
to bail you out.

Yeah, Kev --
No. No.

This man
belittled the city that I love.

If I let him
get away with that,

I'll never be able to
look in the mirror again.

And if I can't look
in the mirror,

then I can't shave.

[Laughter]

Here we go.

[Gasps]

Your time starts now.

[Laughter]

That was weird.

They just handed him
his knife.

♪

♪

♪

Can I get you
another drink?

I was just about
to get one myself.

Oh. Sure.

Uh, who was your friend
from earlier?

Just
my nosy-ass neighbor.

She was kind of rude.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey!

I'll take a beer and whatever
sort of vodka thing she wants.

Woman: You got it.

Did she say something to you,
o-or --

No, it-- it's fine.

I'm fine.

Got it.

♪

[Laughter]

He just keeps eating.

He's like the Cookie Monster
but with steak.

He's like
the Cookie Steak Monster.

Wouldn't that just be
the Steak Monster?

Whose side are you on?

This is a time to support me,
not correct me.

[Laughter]

Oh, boy. Hoo, boy.

I feel the meat sweats
kicking in.

Hey, uh, why don't I
go get some more napkins?

For your meat sweats.

Oh, thank you.

Now, that's supportive.

See? It's not so hard.

Hey.

We just wanted to come
and meet the birthday boy.

Oh, why not?

Kevin, this is my new boss,
Sam, and his wife.

Oh, Jenn.
Ah.

Move that hand, lady.

Any limb that enters
my designated Munch Zone

may not be returned whole.

Wait a second.

Is that the Mighty Moo?

What do you think,
Einstein the Genius?

You didn't need to say
"the genius."

The name Einstein implies that
on its own.

Hi, guys. Sean Avery.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, my God.
I am a huge fan.

[Wheezes]

Jenn, you're a --
you're a Rangers fan?

I also love the Giants
and the Knicks.

[Spits]

In New England?

That -- Jenn, you are a riddle
wrapped in a mystery.

[Choking]

Ah, I just heart N-Y,
you know?

And I heart
meeting locals.

[Laughter]

Oh, my God.
He's choking.

Oh, no.

[Gasps]

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

You saved my life.

Thank you.

I -- I --

[Alarm ringing]

I left something in my car.

[Laughter]

Allison?

You okay, sweetie?

Yeah.
Thank you. Sorry.

Um, I should just go
and clean my blouse.

Nick, Nick.

Something wrong
with your table?

No, stop.
I need you to listen to me.

Okay?

I'm just a busboy.
Really.

So you definitely
shouldn't be talking to me.

Hey, I just need to know
we're on the same page.

What did I ju--Allison.

Oh.

Is there a problem?

No.

Things okay, here?

Oh, Jesus, Sam.

Hey,
she's all yours, bro.

No, wait. Shit.

Sam, what are you doing?

What I --
Who the hell was that?

That was s-some guy
from our neighborhood

who has a problem
with Kevin.

Imagine that.

I had it. Okay?
I'm fine.

So you can just go back
to -- to Jenn.

Yeah, I knew it.

You don't get to
be mad about Jenn.

Oh, don't I?

We worked together
like two hours ago,

and this is the small thing
you had after work tonight?

Well, your perfect,
special night

is your husband's
birthday.

Okay, fine.

Doesn't that make this even,
then?

No. Because I'm not the one
who created this situation.

You wanted it this way.

Oh, oh,
like I forced you?

No, you didn't force me,

but you decide
when we're friends

or not speaking
or having sex in the back room.

It's what you want.
You're always in control.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry.

You think I'm ever
in control of anything?

Yeah, Allison,
I know you are.

You should, too.

♪

[Panting]

♪

♪

Ugh! I need --
I need tickets.

Kid, kid, come here.

This is your lucky night.

Give me those tickets
and like 20 bucks change.

Are you crazy?

These babies are gonna
keep me in gum balls

and spider rings
till I go to college.

Screw off.

Screw off?

[Blows raspberry]

[Laughter]

There you are, Kev.We were worried sick.

Yeah,
in his case, literally.

Don't look
in the ice machine.

Barfed in there.

Well,
I have amazing news.

While you two had your thumbs
up your hundo holes,

I was stacking simoleons.

Well, that's fine,
but thanks to you,

we lost our lucky machine.

Why'd you ditch us?

And why you wearing
a tie?

And how come
you're all sweaty?

And why do you
smell like meat?

Neil, Neil,
look, I'm sure --

I'm sure he can answer
all those questions in order.

Can't you, Kev?

Of course.

I ditched you
because I knew

we would win more tickets
if we split up.

My tie represents that
partying is my business.

I only put on the tie once
I reached maximum groove status

on the "Dance Dance Revolution"
machine.

My dancing -- my dancing
is why I'm so sweaty.

And, of course,
that particular machine

happens to be
right next to the grill.

And the grill
smells like meat.

He covered everything,
Neil.

I guess I just thought
tonight

was supposed to be about us
being together.

Oh, my God.

It is.
It is, buddy.

It's about us being together
inside a giant foam cowboy hat.

Together: She's beautiful.

You're right.

Somehow
I lost sight of that.

[Alarm ringing]

What's that?

That's just my, um --
it's my, uh --

my ticket alarm
to remind me to stay focused.

Ticket alarm?

Of course.
Mine rang earlier.

Let's go.

Yeah. Alright.

Come on, big guy.

Send this chump packing,
huh?

I can't.
It's too much steak.

Parker:
Forget it, Fitz.

I'm gonna do what I should've
done a long time ago.

I'm gonna bet
on New York.

[Groans]

What?
I'll take that bet.

100 bucks on Kevin.

He won't let me down.

[Growls]

Mmm.

So...good.

[Groans]

And that's a hat trick.

[Laughter]

Come on, Kevin.
He hasn't swallowed yet.

You --
You can still come back.

-Come on, Kevin. Keep chewing.
-You got this.

-Don't give up.
-Almost there.

-[Distorted] Come on.
-[Distorted] Come on, Kevin.

-Focus.
-Kevin, wake up.

Man:
You have to wake up.

Kevin.

Boston sports legend

and current Celtics TV analyst
Brian Scalabrine?

The man who started
nine games

for the 2008
championship season?

Is it really you,
"White Mamba"?

Yes, it's me.

[Gasps]

What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be surrounded
by bikini models

on a friggin' yacht
somewhere?

So, normally, I would be,

but this is
more important.

This city, it needs me.

And it needs you, too.

You have to wake up,
Kevin.

I can't.

I'm too full.

Yes, you can.
You have to.

Do it for KG.

Do it for "The Truth."

Or do it
for Kendrick Perkins

and his incredibly
pointy goatee.

But most of all,
do it for yourself.

[Laughter]

♪

[Growls]

-Come on.
-Do it.

Yankees suck!

Together: Yankees suck!

Yankees suck! Yankees suck!

Yankees suck! Yankees suck!

Ah! Ah! Ah!

-Yeah! Yeah! Whoo!
[ Cheers and applause ]

You've got a Get Out of Jail
Free card in this town

from here on out,
buddy.

You deserve this
more than I ever did.

I'm sorry I doubted you.

[Laughter]

Well, gang,
it's been a blast.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I left something
in my car.

[Laughter]

♪

Boy, this was one hell
of a birthday.

[Laughs]
And I love my gift, babe.

I'm glad.

You just got to
bring it back tomorrow

and exchange it for
the right color.

Simply doesn't get any better
than shiny black leather.

Pure class.

[Laughter]

Where you off to?

I left something
in my car.

Hey.

I like you.

Okay.

So I invited you to
this really fun thing,

and you came,

and I think you were having
a really good time.

I mean --

And then your neighbor showed up
and then something changed

and you started acting
really shitty.

And usually when someone
acts like that,

I write them off,

but I like you.

Yeah.

You said that.

So just tell me,
you know?

What the hell?

♪

♪

[Horn blares]

Jesus Christ, lady.
You know --

No, shut up.

You listen to me
for once.

I'm not sitting around, waiting
for you to make your move, okay?

It's too important.
You do this?

I need to know what's happening,
when it's happening,

and if I don't like it,
you don't do it.

What if I --
Shut up.

You do it my way,

or you don't get the money.

Okay.

Okay.

♪

♪

Announcer: On the next
"Kevin Can F--- Himself"...

Make it look like
a robbery,

and as soon as it's done,
You'll get the money.

[Gasps]

Your relationship
to Kevin McRoberts.

I'm his wife.

You hate your husband.Bob: Is there anyone

you could think of who might
want to hurt him?

Everybody loves Kevin.

You realize we're not
even at

the hard part of
all this, right?

I am fine.
Happy, even.

Great. Me, too.

[Glass breaking]

What was that?

♪

♪

♪

♪

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