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1
00:00:00,300 --> 00:00:03,340
Er, that's... that's my chicken.
Jesus! All right! Paul!
2
00:00:06,960 --> 00:00:08,640
That's it Paul!
He touched your bird!
3
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:10,759
He disrespected you on your
birthday.
4
00:00:10,760 --> 00:00:12,500
I'm gonna go out and
kick him till he dies!
5
00:00:12,501 --> 00:00:14,239
Oh, Paul! Kick the cupboard.
6
00:00:14,240 --> 00:00:15,839
Imagine it's his bollocks.
7
00:00:15,840 --> 00:00:18,239
Paul, don't kick my cupboard.
8
00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,999
Kick it again, Paul.
Imagine it's his arsehole
9
00:00:21,000 --> 00:00:22,599
LAUGHTER
10
00:00:22,600 --> 00:00:25,080
It's a compliment really
when you think about it.
11
00:00:25,081 --> 00:00:26,759
He must see...
12
00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:32,079
What? How many people's arses
d'you think you see a day?
13
00:00:32,080 --> 00:00:37,359
A million? So he sees
a million people's arses every day
14
00:00:37,360 --> 00:00:41,679
and mine's the one he decides to
pinch. I've still got it.
15
00:00:41,680 --> 00:00:44,919
You're an attractive young lady,
Laura.
16
00:00:44,920 --> 00:00:48,959
Yes, I know. I don't need you
to tell me that, Shelly.
17
00:00:48,960 --> 00:00:51,719
Honestly, Shell!
SHOUTING AND BANGING FROM KITCHEN
18
00:00:51,720 --> 00:00:53,038
PAUL: When it's your birthday,
19
00:00:53,039 --> 00:00:55,280
you don't expect to be treated
like you're somebody
20
00:00:55,281 --> 00:00:58,799
who isn't having a birthday.
I know, Paul. I know, Paul.
21
00:01:00,680 --> 00:01:02,999
Careful!
I'm the birthday boy!
22
00:01:03,000 --> 00:01:04,959
I know you are, I know you are.
23
00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:07,160
I've gotta check on my princess.
24
00:01:10,320 --> 00:01:12,198
Are you all right, darling?
How are you feeling?
25
00:01:12,199 --> 00:01:13,480
I think I'm gonna have a bruise.
26
00:01:15,480 --> 00:01:17,280
Laura!
27
00:01:18,320 --> 00:01:19,560
Will you kiss it better?
28
00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:28,040
Thank you, Paul.
29
00:01:31,360 --> 00:01:34,639
Oh, look at him now.
Maybe we should leave it.
30
00:01:34,640 --> 00:01:38,439
- He's just being a prick.
- He's ruined my birthday, Becky!
31
00:01:38,440 --> 00:01:40,200
D'you know how many birthdays
I get a year?
32
00:01:40,201 --> 00:01:42,119
- Yes.
- And no-one,
33
00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:45,599
no-one touches my bird!
Um, I'm not your bird, Paul.
34
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:46,919
Yes, you are.
35
00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:49,079
I'm a feminist.
No, no, you're not.
36
00:01:49,080 --> 00:01:50,799
Yes, I am.
No, no, you're not.
37
00:01:50,800 --> 00:01:51,840
Yes, I am, Paul.
38
00:01:51,841 --> 00:01:53,319
No you're not.
39
00:01:53,320 --> 00:01:56,520
I'm a feminist,
I'm just not a dykey one.
40
00:01:58,080 --> 00:01:59,719
Paul, are we gonna kill this freak
41
00:01:59,720 --> 00:02:01,639
or not?
Listen, Darren, mate...
42
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,999
Shut up! Yep. OK.
43
00:02:08,000 --> 00:02:10,679
But, er, you know, we just got
Paul the Home Alone films
44
00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,679
for his birthday. We could have some
beers, watch 'em in order...
45
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,879
Shut the fuck up!
46
00:02:15,880 --> 00:02:17,919
What's he doing down there?
47
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:19,320
He's just sort of sitting.
48
00:02:19,321 --> 00:02:21,559
SCOFFS: Bastard!
49
00:02:21,560 --> 00:02:23,960
I think he's basically waiting
so he can have another go on me.
50
00:02:23,961 --> 00:02:25,759
Paul. Coming.
51
00:02:25,760 --> 00:02:27,680
Paul!
52
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,519
We don't just walk into 'em.
We take our time.
53
00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:32,720
Go with him, Laur.
54
00:02:32,721 --> 00:02:37,159
Calm down, Paul!
You'll get an ulcer. Come on, Paul!
55
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:40,919
Let's watch Home Alone!
You like it. It's funny!
56
00:02:40,920 --> 00:02:44,719
Right, Shelly,
how do I look? You look lovely.
57
00:02:44,720 --> 00:02:46,599
Good. OK, let's do this.
58
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,080
D'you think we should go down there
and stop him.
59
00:02:48,081 --> 00:02:49,320
Nah.
60
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,839
Home Alone?
SHE LAUGHS
61
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,880
I dunno. It was worth a try.
62
00:03:03,040 --> 00:03:04,999
PAUL: Oi! Gay boys!
63
00:03:05,000 --> 00:03:06,399
Oh, God.
64
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,240
They're ignoring you, Paul.
65
00:03:09,960 --> 00:03:13,919
Oi, look at you!
You're a bunch of gay boys!
66
00:03:13,920 --> 00:03:15,639
BECKY: Gay boys?
67
00:03:15,640 --> 00:03:17,279
Excuse me.
We're talking to you!
68
00:03:17,280 --> 00:03:20,039
Leave it, Paul.
It's not worth it.
69
00:03:20,040 --> 00:03:21,478
DARREN: Paul.
They're disrespecting you.
70
00:03:21,479 --> 00:03:22,880
PAUL: Are you listening to me
71
00:03:22,881 --> 00:03:26,319
or am I gonna have to come over there
and shout it in your fucking brains?
72
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,119
BECKY GROANS
MAN: Go back inside.
73
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:30,479
PAUL: No! I won't! It's my birthday!
74
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,800
Happy birthday. Thank you.
75
00:03:34,600 --> 00:03:36,679
STEVE BREAKS WIND
76
00:03:36,680 --> 00:03:39,319
That was a goodie.
HE LAUGHS
77
00:03:39,320 --> 00:03:42,199
BECKY LAUGHS
78
00:03:42,200 --> 00:03:44,720
I don't know why I find that funny.
79
00:03:45,720 --> 00:03:47,560
Shall we have sex?
80
00:03:48,680 --> 00:03:50,999
I dunno. They might come back up.
I'll be quick.
81
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:52,440
I won't.
82
00:04:03,520 --> 00:04:04,880
The other Paul ate the chicken.
83
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,080
Did he?
84
00:04:08,880 --> 00:04:10,719
That's annoying.
85
00:04:10,720 --> 00:04:12,759
I've been thinking about that for
hours.
86
00:04:12,760 --> 00:04:14,360
SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE
87
00:04:17,280 --> 00:04:19,959
One day, shall we buy
an egg with a chick in it,
88
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,919
hatch it, grow it up,
89
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:25,199
feed it with its own eggs,
then kill it, pluck it,
90
00:04:25,200 --> 00:04:27,200
then roast it on a spit and eat it?
91
00:04:28,280 --> 00:04:30,800
Feed it with its own eggs?!
92
00:04:34,520 --> 00:04:38,559
MOBILE PLAYS
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME
93
00:04:38,560 --> 00:04:39,600
Who is it?
94
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,678
Oh, I dunno.
I haven't got their number.
95
00:04:43,679 --> 00:04:44,960
Well, answer it!
96
00:04:44,961 --> 00:04:46,919
No, It might be a weirdo.
97
00:04:46,920 --> 00:04:48,640
It won't be a weirdo.
Just answer it.
98
00:04:48,641 --> 00:04:52,040
I'm not answering the phone
to a weirdo.
99
00:04:54,640 --> 00:04:56,760
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME CONTINUES
100
00:05:04,160 --> 00:05:05,880
Are you dancing to your own
ringtone?
101
00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:08,360
Yep.
HE LAUGHS
102
00:05:08,361 --> 00:05:10,080
Laura does that.
103
00:05:13,840 --> 00:05:15,479
I'm just doing it ironically.
104
00:05:15,480 --> 00:05:16,520
Hm.
105
00:05:20,120 --> 00:05:21,440
What time does Nando's shut?
106
00:05:25,480 --> 00:05:26,680
I'm not walking for ten minutes
107
00:05:26,681 --> 00:05:30,399
just to go Nando's.
Somerfield's have got a rotisserie.
108
00:05:30,400 --> 00:05:32,439
Ooh. KFC!
109
00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:34,599
We could share a Bargain Bucket.
110
00:05:34,600 --> 00:05:36,360
I'm not sharing a Bargain Bucket
with you.
111
00:05:36,361 --> 00:05:38,239
We'll split it equally.
112
00:05:38,240 --> 00:05:40,119
How many times have I heard that?!
113
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:41,919
Why has no one started a business
114
00:05:41,920 --> 00:05:43,518
where you can just call them
day or night
115
00:05:43,519 --> 00:05:45,360
and they bring you a chicken?
STEVE BREAKS WIND
116
00:05:45,361 --> 00:05:46,960
Ugh!
117
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:49,600
You'd think Branson would do it.
118
00:05:49,601 --> 00:05:51,639
CAR HORN BEEPS OUTSIDE
119
00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:53,439
TYRES SCREECH
MAN: Fuck you!
120
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:57,119
SHOUTING, CAR HORN BEEPS
121
00:05:57,120 --> 00:06:01,839
PAUL: I was trying to cross the road
to deal with these bastards!
122
00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:05,479
Why is chicken the only meat
you can eat from a bucket?
123
00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:07,439
CAR HORN BEEPS, SHOUTING
124
00:06:07,440 --> 00:06:09,279
Oh, I'd love a bucket of beef.
125
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,599
Or a bucket of pork. Lamb.
126
00:06:11,600 --> 00:06:14,639
Oh! Mmm, a bucket of lamb.
127
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,559
Mmm! Mmm!
CAR HORN BEEPS
128
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:23,119
GRUNTS
129
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:25,120
CAR SPEEDS OFF
130
00:06:35,880 --> 00:06:37,399
So what is Salon Wolves?
131
00:06:37,400 --> 00:06:39,879
HE MUMBLES
132
00:06:39,880 --> 00:06:42,040
Nope. Didn't get a word of that.
133
00:06:44,680 --> 00:06:48,280
SLOWLY: Barney's old band.
134
00:06:58,760 --> 00:07:00,640
I didn't know Barney was musical.
135
00:07:01,720 --> 00:07:03,960
Drums. Oh.
136
00:07:07,560 --> 00:07:09,519
Yeah they got this, um...
137
00:07:09,520 --> 00:07:10,759
this song.
138
00:07:10,760 --> 00:07:13,119
Sure it's in here.
139
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:14,600
It's such a load of crap, innit?
140
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:16,159
Bloody hell!
141
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,039
Yeah, so they've got this one
really nice song
142
00:07:19,040 --> 00:07:20,520
and the rest of them are dog shit.
143
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:23,840
Where is it? What are you doing?
144
00:07:24,800 --> 00:07:26,559
I've got their CD.
145
00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:27,880
Sure it's in here.
146
00:07:31,680 --> 00:07:33,599
Bollocks!
HE GROANS
147
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:36,439
Never get that back in. Urgh.
148
00:07:36,440 --> 00:07:39,360
HE SIGHS AND GROANS
149
00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:42,800
Shit!
150
00:07:50,480 --> 00:07:52,479
DOORBELL RINGS
151
00:07:52,480 --> 00:07:55,119
Anyway, they're really good.
They've got this song that goes...
152
00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:56,160
Don't sing it.
153
00:07:59,080 --> 00:08:04,000
There's somebody chucking stuff.
It's not right, it's not safe.
154
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:10,520
They've started chucking stuff. Oh,
oh, it's crazy down there, Becks.
155
00:08:11,680 --> 00:08:12,919
DAN: Steve.
156
00:08:12,920 --> 00:08:14,320
Steve!
157
00:08:19,160 --> 00:08:20,480
What's going on?
158
00:08:25,280 --> 00:08:28,519
Look at me, Becks.
I'm like Rapunzel.
159
00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:30,800
MEN SHOUT OUTSIDE
160
00:08:33,240 --> 00:08:36,079
Oh, yeah. Bit of good news.
161
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:39,399
You know Paul's friend, the other
Paul? He said he'd shag you.
162
00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:42,039
Oh. That's nice. Yeah.
163
00:08:42,040 --> 00:08:44,079
He reckons you're a six.
164
00:08:44,080 --> 00:08:45,639
What a sweetie.
165
00:08:45,640 --> 00:08:47,800
Oh, did you see
the one that pinched my arse, Shell?
166
00:08:47,801 --> 00:08:48,799
Yeah.
167
00:08:48,800 --> 00:08:50,839
He's like an eight or a nine,
isn't he?
168
00:08:50,840 --> 00:08:54,039
I'm not boasting, Becks
but he looks like Jude Law.
169
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:55,359
Except he's black.
170
00:08:55,360 --> 00:08:57,079
Yeah, a black Jude Law.
171
00:08:57,080 --> 00:08:58,760
SIGHS: We were gonna go down
The Goose,
172
00:08:58,761 --> 00:09:01,719
but Laura got her arse pinched
and Paul went mental.
173
00:09:01,720 --> 00:09:02,880
What's that?
174
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,959
HE LAUGHS
175
00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,120
Kevin McCallister.
176
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:18,160
Anita's getting
a bit aggie about the noise.
177
00:09:21,280 --> 00:09:22,360
Is Shelly in there?
178
00:09:24,920 --> 00:09:25,919
Yeah.
179
00:09:25,920 --> 00:09:31,400
Mind if I hide in here? I thought
I told you to shut them up!
180
00:09:33,120 --> 00:09:35,199
Yes, sweetheart. Sorry.
181
00:09:35,200 --> 00:09:38,559
Just dealing with it now.
Go back to bed.
182
00:09:38,560 --> 00:09:40,199
It's utterly unacceptable.
183
00:09:40,200 --> 00:09:43,239
I know, darling.
I'm dealing with it. Go on.
184
00:09:43,240 --> 00:09:44,560
Well, are you dealing with it
185
00:09:44,561 --> 00:09:47,319
or are you standing around
talking to your bum chum?
186
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,119
All right, Anita? Daniel.
187
00:09:49,120 --> 00:09:51,919
Yep. OK.
I'll be up in a minute, darling.
188
00:09:51,920 --> 00:09:56,119
Just let me sort everything out for
you. Go on. Hop back into bed.
189
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:58,360
Go on, love.
190
00:09:59,920 --> 00:10:01,200
DOOR SLAMS
191
00:10:03,240 --> 00:10:04,560
She normally shaves it.
192
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,839
I don't like violence, Becky.
I know you don't.
193
00:10:09,840 --> 00:10:12,999
I know.
It reminds me of when I was little.
194
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,278
All right, Shell!
195
00:10:14,279 --> 00:10:16,438
I've heard enough about your
childhood to last me a lifetime.
196
00:10:16,439 --> 00:10:18,400
But, Laura, I mean,
what's the point?
197
00:10:18,401 --> 00:10:20,679
People go to war
and they kill each other.
198
00:10:20,680 --> 00:10:24,039
And then there's terrorists
and ash clouds.
199
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:26,799
Why does everything
have to be so mean?
200
00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:29,719
I don't get it.
I just don't get it, Laur.
201
00:10:29,720 --> 00:10:32,479
All right, Shell,
it's fine for you not to get it.
202
00:10:32,480 --> 00:10:34,400
Just don't go on about
your fucking stepdad.
203
00:10:35,560 --> 00:10:37,919
My parents used to
leave me at home a lot.
204
00:10:37,920 --> 00:10:40,159
Did they? Yeah.
205
00:10:40,160 --> 00:10:44,919
And we got burgled. It was terrible.
Nothing like the film.
206
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:46,920
They tied me to the banisters
and killed my dog.
207
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:49,920
OK.
208
00:10:51,400 --> 00:10:52,680
I still think about it.
209
00:10:52,681 --> 00:10:56,040
MOBILE PLAYS
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME
210
00:10:57,960 --> 00:11:01,199
Who's that?
Dunno. I haven't got their number.
211
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:03,799
You should answer that.
Could be your mum.
212
00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:06,639
But no cos I've got her number
in my phone, haven't I?
213
00:11:06,640 --> 00:11:08,479
But I haven't got this number.
214
00:11:08,480 --> 00:11:10,039
Oh, right. Yeah.
215
00:11:10,040 --> 00:11:11,599
Becky? Could be Becky.
216
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:14,159
No. Again...
HE CHUCKLES
217
00:11:14,160 --> 00:11:16,279
I've got her number.
And she's in there.
218
00:11:16,280 --> 00:11:18,599
She wouldn't be ringing me,
would she, Dan?
219
00:11:18,600 --> 00:11:20,079
Yeah. Of course.
220
00:11:20,080 --> 00:11:22,599
DOOR OPENS
PAUL: His mates are coming!
221
00:11:22,600 --> 00:11:23,640
Could be your...
222
00:11:23,641 --> 00:11:26,079
Dan.
DARREN: Paul, it's under control.
223
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,680
He's called his mates.
224
00:11:29,200 --> 00:11:30,679
Are you winning?
225
00:11:30,680 --> 00:11:31,918
His mates are coming.
226
00:11:31,919 --> 00:11:34,200
It's under control, Paul.
My dad's gonna bring his dog.
227
00:11:34,201 --> 00:11:37,159
OK. This is all getting a bit silly,
don't you think?
228
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,759
Steve, I've been molested.
229
00:11:38,760 --> 00:11:41,479
He's ruined the birthday
of a human being.
230
00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:43,599
Yes I know,
but how about we un-ruin it
231
00:11:43,600 --> 00:11:47,199
by sharing a cab to Nando's
and taking it all out on a chicken?
232
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,599
HE SCREAMS
You're embarrassing yourself, Paul.
233
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,280
Now get up, grow a dick and get
outside.
234
00:11:51,281 --> 00:11:54,240
I'm coming!
MAN: Oi, gay boy! Come outside!
235
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,439
SHOUTS: Fuck the lot of you!
236
00:11:57,440 --> 00:11:59,999
JEERING AND LAUGHTER
237
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:01,879
CHEERING
238
00:12:01,880 --> 00:12:04,639
Er... MAN OUTSIDE: Whoa!
239
00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:08,359
What was that?! Fuckin' hell!
Missed.
240
00:12:08,360 --> 00:12:11,559
MOBILE PLAYS:
"Pass Out" By Tinie Tempah
241
00:12:11,560 --> 00:12:12,879
Yeah?
242
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:14,959
LAURA: Paul! Yeah, I'm coming.
243
00:12:14,960 --> 00:12:16,880
SHELLY: Stay up here, Paul.
That's my lamp!
244
00:12:16,881 --> 00:12:19,360
All right, Steve.
It was a shit lamp.
245
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:24,959
That cost me a fiver! Bloody hell,
they're chucking stuff up now!
246
00:12:24,960 --> 00:12:30,879
I spent £5 on that. Oh,
bloody hell! I'll fix the drawer.
247
00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:32,559
SHOUTING OUTSIDE
248
00:12:32,560 --> 00:12:35,440
Thanks, Dan. Thanks, Dan.
249
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:44,039
LAUGHTER
MAN: Oooh, nearly!
250
00:12:44,040 --> 00:12:46,320
LAUGHTER
251
00:12:49,560 --> 00:12:52,400
Can you pass me a pen?
We should do his card.
252
00:12:55,080 --> 00:12:56,119
Pen.
253
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:57,840
Hmm? Oh.
254
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:06,039
MAN: Fuck you, you fucking twat!
OK, what shall I put?
255
00:13:06,040 --> 00:13:08,759
I dunno. To Paul?
256
00:13:08,760 --> 00:13:10,480
Dear Paul?
257
00:13:12,120 --> 00:13:16,239
Dear Paul?!
Who the fuck do you think you are?
258
00:13:16,240 --> 00:13:17,719
All right!
259
00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:20,079
LAUGHTER AND CLANGING OUTSIDE
260
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:21,360
To...
261
00:13:26,320 --> 00:13:27,360
Ugh.
262
00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:34,440
SHOUTING CONTINUES OUTSIDE
263
00:13:37,240 --> 00:13:38,560
It was a present.
264
00:13:47,560 --> 00:13:49,839
OK. Happy birthday?
265
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,159
No, think of something funny.
266
00:13:52,160 --> 00:13:53,480
Let's just put "happy birthday".
267
00:13:53,481 --> 00:13:55,999
No! We're funny, we can think of
something funny to put in it.
268
00:13:56,000 --> 00:13:58,280
HE TUTS
269
00:14:00,520 --> 00:14:02,920
CLATTERING AND
GRUNTS FROM OUTSIDE
270
00:14:11,040 --> 00:14:14,279
Shall I just sign it
and we can fill it in later?
271
00:14:14,280 --> 00:14:15,280
Yeah.
272
00:14:23,520 --> 00:14:27,079
MAN: Here we go.
WHOOPING
273
00:14:27,080 --> 00:14:28,439
Bloody hell! Shit!
274
00:14:28,440 --> 00:14:31,559
Oi!
LAUGHTER
275
00:14:31,560 --> 00:14:34,679
We haven't done anything!
It wasn't us!
276
00:14:34,680 --> 00:14:35,760
We're staying out of it!
277
00:14:35,761 --> 00:14:38,199
MAN: Where's the bald bastard?
We dunno.
278
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,239
We've just been sitting up here
279
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:42,439
eating cheese, haven't we?
BECKY: Yeah, yeah,
280
00:14:42,440 --> 00:14:43,960
we don't wanna get involved
in stuff like that.
281
00:14:43,961 --> 00:14:46,679
Please stop
throwing things stuff at us!
282
00:14:46,680 --> 00:14:48,680
Leave us alone!
283
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:56,599
Hello.
284
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,399
Here he is.
The world's most pointless person.
285
00:14:59,400 --> 00:15:02,279
Steve just asked me to fix his
drawer.
286
00:15:02,280 --> 00:15:05,919
I've got one of my stomach aches, thanks
to you and your noisy little cronies.
287
00:15:05,920 --> 00:15:07,600
Oh, sorry.
288
00:15:09,680 --> 00:15:12,439
You don't think it might be... What?
289
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:14,560
Nothing. No, Sorry.
290
00:15:15,840 --> 00:15:18,199
You sure it's not the... What?
291
00:15:18,200 --> 00:15:20,559
Nothing. Sorry. Good.
292
00:15:20,560 --> 00:15:22,400
I just mean... I'm wondering
if the corned beef might...
293
00:15:22,401 --> 00:15:25,279
Daniel. Yep. Sorry.
294
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,160
I'm just thinking about your
stomach.
295
00:15:27,161 --> 00:15:29,919
Em, if it's, you know...
296
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:31,240
If eating all that...
297
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:35,319
What d'you think
caused your stomach ache?
298
00:15:35,320 --> 00:15:36,280
You did.
299
00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:39,999
You don't think it's all the
corned... No!
300
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,119
Sorry.
301
00:15:41,120 --> 00:15:43,000
Now get upstairs and find
the Gaviscon.
302
00:15:43,001 --> 00:15:45,399
SOBBING
Oh God! Shelly!
303
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:48,839
LAUGHTER AND SHOUTING
CONTINUES OUTSIDE
304
00:15:48,840 --> 00:15:51,919
Oh, I can't stop thinking about
chicken.
305
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:54,079
Oh, it's definitely here somewhere.
306
00:15:54,080 --> 00:15:56,040
It's got this song on it, I, um...
307
00:16:04,080 --> 00:16:05,640
Ah, here it is!
308
00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:10,679
It's got this song on it.
309
00:16:10,680 --> 00:16:12,839
I listened to it the first time
we met.
310
00:16:12,840 --> 00:16:14,600
Did you?
311
00:16:18,480 --> 00:16:24,719
♪ When I saw you
standing there so pretty
312
00:16:24,720 --> 00:16:27,719
♪ I cleaned my... ♪
They threw a bin at me!
313
00:16:27,720 --> 00:16:28,800
SWITCHES MUSIC OFF
314
00:16:29,840 --> 00:16:32,559
You OK? They descended on me.
Did you see it?
315
00:16:32,560 --> 00:16:34,879
They all came on me at once.
Oo-er.
316
00:16:34,880 --> 00:16:37,519
I don't know what's going on, Steve.
317
00:16:37,520 --> 00:16:39,000
Come into the bathroom, Paul!
318
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,119
That's it. How dizzy are you?
Are you very dizzy.
319
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:44,159
I'm not dizzy!
320
00:16:44,160 --> 00:16:46,238
You must be a bit dizzy,
they threw a bin at you.
321
00:16:46,239 --> 00:16:47,358
I'm not dizzy, Laura!
322
00:16:47,359 --> 00:16:48,838
Sit down, I don't want you falling
over.
323
00:16:48,839 --> 00:16:50,000
I can't sit down.
324
00:16:50,001 --> 00:16:52,839
SHELLY: He can't sit down, Becky!
BECKY: Oh, no.
325
00:16:52,840 --> 00:16:55,199
Paul, sit down,
keep calm and keep breathing.
326
00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:58,159
You have to keep breathing
otherwise you'll die.
327
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:00,719
That's it Paul, in and out.
328
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:02,559
You're gonna be all right.
329
00:17:02,560 --> 00:17:04,959
Just went on me own Steve,
saying stuff to 'em
330
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,920
and it was all under control,
it was all fine.
331
00:17:06,921 --> 00:17:08,399
Look up, Paul.
332
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:10,240
I was running it, Steve,
I was calling 'em stuff,
333
00:17:10,241 --> 00:17:12,399
it was good.
OK, now look down.
334
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:15,519
And suddenly, out of nowhere,
he had all these mates
335
00:17:15,520 --> 00:17:18,719
and they all came on me at once
and they all started running
336
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,320
and one of them picked up a bin
and threw it at me.
337
00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:24,799
Ow!
338
00:17:24,800 --> 00:17:26,640
It hit him on the face, Becky. Argh!
339
00:17:26,641 --> 00:17:29,759
I'm gonna do a little eyesight test
on you now, OK?
340
00:17:29,760 --> 00:17:32,840
Paul, how many fingers am I holding
up?
341
00:17:34,280 --> 00:17:36,439
Paul... how many fingers am I holding
up?
342
00:17:36,440 --> 00:17:37,720
Stop shouting at me!
343
00:17:37,721 --> 00:17:40,999
Calm down, mate. Come on. Keep calm
344
00:17:41,000 --> 00:17:42,240
or you'll rupture something.
345
00:17:42,241 --> 00:17:45,279
Do something, someone!
It was three.
346
00:17:45,280 --> 00:17:47,318
Step back, everyone.
I'm going to dress the wound.
347
00:17:47,319 --> 00:17:48,958
MAN: Where is the little faggot?
Paul. Paul!
348
00:17:48,959 --> 00:17:50,920
DOG GROWLS
You're being an embarrassment!
349
00:17:50,921 --> 00:17:53,199
Get outside, you little cocksucker!
350
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,680
No I'm coming!
Well, hurry up, then!
351
00:17:54,681 --> 00:17:56,879
DOG BARKS
All right, boy.
352
00:17:56,880 --> 00:17:58,359
Not yet. Not yet.
353
00:17:58,360 --> 00:18:01,240
What am I gonna do, Steve?
Look at me.
354
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,439
Just... Just calm down
and we'll get you a plaster.
355
00:18:05,440 --> 00:18:08,359
For heaven's sakes, Steve! We need
to sterilise the wound first.
356
00:18:08,360 --> 00:18:10,839
Have you got any TCP? Fucking TCP?!
357
00:18:10,840 --> 00:18:12,839
Look at me!
SHE SCREAMS
358
00:18:12,840 --> 00:18:14,240
You're a useless piece of shit
sometimes.
359
00:18:14,241 --> 00:18:17,039
SHELLY WAILS
Will you shut up, Shelly?!
360
00:18:17,040 --> 00:18:19,319
I'm going to
burst a blood vessel in a minute.
361
00:18:19,320 --> 00:18:22,079
Paul! What the fuck are you doing?
Yeah, I'm coming!
362
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:25,079
Grow a fucking dick, mate. Jesus!
363
00:18:25,080 --> 00:18:27,719
SHELLY WHIMPERS
Don't listen to 'em.
364
00:18:27,720 --> 00:18:31,120
Where were you when I needed you,
Steve? You're my best man.
365
00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,519
PANTING: All these blokes
just came on me at once.
366
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:37,079
Oo-er.
HE CHUCKLES
367
00:18:37,080 --> 00:18:40,599
We'll look after you.
Just stay up here, yeah?
368
00:18:40,600 --> 00:18:42,919
Come on, Paul. It's not that bad.
369
00:18:42,920 --> 00:18:45,199
I need some disinfectant, Steve.
Or bleach.
370
00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:47,000
I need to clean the wound
before it goes green.
371
00:18:47,001 --> 00:18:50,400
I want to go to bed, Steve.
It's my birthday. I wanna go to bed.
372
00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:53,158
HE SCREAMS
Does that hurt?
373
00:18:53,159 --> 00:18:54,118
Yes! Good.
374
00:18:54,119 --> 00:18:56,240
You've got to be cruel to be kind.
Becks, I need a swab.
375
00:18:56,241 --> 00:18:59,039
HE SCREAMS
How can they do this to me?!
376
00:18:59,040 --> 00:19:02,159
I don't know, mate. How can they do
this to me on my birthday?
377
00:19:02,160 --> 00:19:03,800
Well, If you will go out with
someone like me,
378
00:19:03,801 --> 00:19:05,919
you've got to accept
the consequences, Paul.
379
00:19:05,920 --> 00:19:07,800
It's like when they killed JFK
cos he had a fit wife.
380
00:19:07,801 --> 00:19:10,199
- Laura! Fuck off!
- Paul!
381
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,280
Paul, stop it!
382
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,119
I'm just trying to heal you, Paul.
383
00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:17,520
There's nothing left of me to give!
384
00:19:18,840 --> 00:19:22,880
SHOUTING OUTSIDE, SHELLY WHIMPERS
385
00:19:24,760 --> 00:19:26,960
Shall we look for some dressing?
386
00:19:28,040 --> 00:19:29,320
Yeah.
387
00:19:30,400 --> 00:19:33,919
Sit down, Paul.
I don't want you getting dizzy.
388
00:19:33,920 --> 00:19:35,839
Thanks, Laura.
389
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:41,119
Now, I'm gonna put some water on this
tissue and dab it on your face, OK?
390
00:19:41,120 --> 00:19:42,399
OK.
391
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:45,039
What are you doing?
You're such a pillock!
392
00:19:45,040 --> 00:19:47,879
LAUGHS: You said,
"Let's look for some dressing,"
393
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,599
as in wound dressing, and I...
394
00:19:49,600 --> 00:19:53,280
Yes. I know. I get the joke.
395
00:19:55,040 --> 00:19:57,000
How have we even got this?
396
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:00,759
Hmm...
397
00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:05,239
It's your birthday.
Dan, look in that cupboard,
398
00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,639
see if they've got any bleach.
DAN: Yep.
399
00:20:07,640 --> 00:20:10,239
PAUL: You can't put bleach on my
face, Laura!
400
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,960
We've got to clean the wound, Paul.
401
00:20:11,961 --> 00:20:13,839
Have we got any wound dressing?
402
00:20:13,840 --> 00:20:16,639
Honestly, it's revolting.
Yeah. It's in the first-aid kit.
403
00:20:16,640 --> 00:20:17,919
HE LAUGHS
404
00:20:17,920 --> 00:20:21,479
PAUL SCREAMS: Ow!
That's boiling hot!
405
00:20:21,480 --> 00:20:23,920
No, it's not. Jesus!
406
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:32,360
One minute.
407
00:20:38,560 --> 00:20:40,119
Ooh, I forgot about that!
408
00:20:40,120 --> 00:20:41,480
So did I!
409
00:20:49,360 --> 00:20:52,120
Can we eat it with our fingers?
Yeah, course!
410
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,799
Oh, my knickers are getting wet
just thinking about it.
411
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,279
Becky! Don't say things like that!
412
00:21:01,280 --> 00:21:03,439
Mmm! I'm gonna eat its arsehole.
413
00:21:03,440 --> 00:21:04,800
Rebecca! Oh, soup.
414
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:09,759
MAN: You're sat up here
with your dick in your hand!
415
00:21:09,760 --> 00:21:11,520
MUFFLED RAISED VOICES
416
00:21:14,440 --> 00:21:15,680
Thanks.
417
00:21:17,840 --> 00:21:19,599
MAN: Fuck's sake, Paul!
418
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:21,879
SHOUTING CONTINUES
419
00:21:21,880 --> 00:21:24,719
PAUL: It's not fair. It's not fair!
420
00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,440
It's my lucky day!
421
00:21:30,120 --> 00:21:32,399
So are we watching Home Alone or...?
422
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,759
MOBILE PLAYS
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME
423
00:21:36,760 --> 00:21:39,040
Is that the same number? Yeah.
424
00:21:42,960 --> 00:21:45,560
MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME CONTINUES
All right?
425
00:21:49,280 --> 00:21:50,760
No, he's not here.
426
00:21:51,960 --> 00:21:54,120
He's visiting a horse.
427
00:21:56,760 --> 00:21:58,400
Can I ask who's calling?
428
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,440
CLEARS THROAT
429
00:22:06,520 --> 00:22:07,640
You got any bread?
430
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:10,239
Well, who was it?
431
00:22:10,240 --> 00:22:12,120
- I wanna dunk.
- Dan, who was it?
432
00:22:12,121 --> 00:22:14,360
That'll do. Er... Dan?
433
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:18,200
Dan!
434
00:22:21,400 --> 00:22:25,479
Dan, tell us who it was or you can
go back upstairs to Anita.
435
00:22:25,480 --> 00:22:28,440
Um, it was Julie, your ex.
436
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,439
What?
437
00:22:31,440 --> 00:22:33,839
- She doesn't like you, does she?
- Hmm
438
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,159
At all.
439
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,719
She hates you, in fact.
Thinks you're well ugly.
440
00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:38,959
All right.
441
00:22:38,960 --> 00:22:41,440
Oh, God.
Paul's gonna go back down there.
442
00:22:42,720 --> 00:22:44,440
Paul!
Oh, Steve, don't be a dick.
443
00:22:47,480 --> 00:22:52,559
Paul. Paul, I want you to calm down
and stay up here, OK?
444
00:22:52,560 --> 00:22:55,199
We'll put Home Alone on
and we'll tell 'em we're sorry
445
00:22:55,200 --> 00:22:57,239
and ask then nicely to leave us
alone.
446
00:22:57,240 --> 00:23:00,080
Little bastard. It's funny.
447
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:03,919
What the fuck is this?!
448
00:23:03,920 --> 00:23:06,639
It's your... It's your birthday
card. Well, where's the message?
449
00:23:06,640 --> 00:23:09,919
We were trying to think of
something funny to write.
450
00:23:09,920 --> 00:23:13,679
What's funny about giving a human being
a birthday card without a message?
451
00:23:13,680 --> 00:23:15,640
You're worse than my fucking
mother!
452
00:23:15,641 --> 00:23:17,800
- Oh, Paul!
- I'm living in a nightmare!
453
00:23:20,520 --> 00:23:24,600
Oh, no. Come on, Paul.
Paul, that was my granddad's. Paul.
454
00:23:28,360 --> 00:23:30,920
Fucking...it.
455
00:23:33,120 --> 00:23:35,239
Don't get blood on your shoes, Paul!
456
00:23:35,240 --> 00:23:36,919
Fuck yourself!
457
00:23:36,920 --> 00:23:39,999
Oh, Paul, come back here with that.
458
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:41,999
Steve, come on,
I'll get you another one.
459
00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:44,399
Paul, that was my granddad's!
460
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:46,679
I've got a fairy you can have.
461
00:23:46,680 --> 00:23:48,960
SHELLY SOBS
462
00:24:30,440 --> 00:24:35,080
♪ All the other guys
463
00:24:37,880 --> 00:24:41,560
♪ I will spend forever
464
00:24:43,200 --> 00:24:46,640
♪ Thinking how great you look
tonight
465
00:24:49,720 --> 00:24:53,159
♪ I can't believe you like me
466
00:24:53,160 --> 00:24:55,520
♪ But I think you might
467
00:25:04,280 --> 00:25:07,959
♪ When you spoke to me
468
00:25:07,960 --> 00:25:10,559
♪ I couldn't stop looking at you
469
00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:16,999
♪ And the way your lips move
when you speak
470
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:22,599
♪ I just wanted
to take your lips and kiss them
471
00:25:22,600 --> 00:25:28,680
♪ But I didn't
cos I'm awkward and I'm weak
472
00:25:31,040 --> 00:25:34,840
♪ And I will spend forever
473
00:25:36,440 --> 00:25:39,520
♪ Thinking how great you looked
tonight
474
00:25:42,240 --> 00:25:45,159
♪ I can't believe you like me... ♪
475
00:25:45,160 --> 00:25:47,839
Sorry, Dan. Sorry, Shelly.
Do you mind?
476
00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,879
- Blimey, you all right?
- He got elbowed.
477
00:25:49,880 --> 00:25:51,280
SIREN WAILS
478
00:25:52,960 --> 00:25:56,279
You're so stupid! For fuck's sake!
479
00:25:56,280 --> 00:26:00,960
Don't get involved.
Jesus, I said don't get involved.
480
00:26:03,920 --> 00:26:06,479
♪ ..Oh, I will spend forever... ♪
481
00:26:06,480 --> 00:26:09,479
Oh, oh, oh, ouch!
It's just a shitty old star!
482
00:26:09,480 --> 00:26:11,840
They're two for a quid
in the pound shop.
483
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:15,520
MUSIC STOPS
484
00:26:16,960 --> 00:26:18,040
For fuck's sake!
485
00:26:21,040 --> 00:26:23,240
We should've just stayed here
and finished the soup!
486
00:26:25,200 --> 00:26:27,039
I said that.
487
00:26:27,040 --> 00:26:29,080
I said we should have
just stayed up here!
488
00:26:33,800 --> 00:26:37,199
Why would you go out there? What do
you know about being in a fight?
489
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,400
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
490
00:26:48,440 --> 00:26:49,840
You stupid bloody idiot.
491
00:26:55,200 --> 00:26:56,880
SIREN WHOOPS
492
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:11,200
Are you OK? Not really.
493
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:15,400
How's your little nose?
494
00:27:20,720 --> 00:27:21,760
Oh, God.
495
00:27:37,400 --> 00:27:38,720
BECKY LAUGHS
496
00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:43,599
You're such a twat.
497
00:27:43,600 --> 00:27:45,360
HE LAUGHS
498
00:27:53,120 --> 00:27:55,759
LAUGHS: Ow!
499
00:27:55,760 --> 00:28:00,079
LAUGHTER
500
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:04,599
♪ My heart goes boom-bang-a-bang
Boom-bang-a-bang when you are near
501
00:28:04,600 --> 00:28:07,719
♪ Boom-bang-a-bang all the time
502
00:28:07,720 --> 00:28:12,519
♪ It's such a lovely feeling
503
00:28:12,520 --> 00:28:16,399
♪ When I'm in your arms
504
00:28:16,400 --> 00:28:20,159
♪ Don't go away
I wanna stay my whole life through
505
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,560
♪ Boom-bang-a-bang close to you. ♪
506
00:28:22,585 --> 00:28:24,685
Subtitles by APOLLO
www.addic7ed.com
507
00:28:24,735 --> 00:28:29,285
Repair and Synchronization by
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