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1
00:00:01,080 --> 00:00:04,639
? Boo, boo, boo, boo ?
2
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:08,560
? Boo, boo, boo, boo ?
3
00:00:08,850 --> 00:00:12,670
? Boo, boo, boo, boo ?
4
00:00:13,020 --> 00:00:16,650
? Boo, boo, boo, boo ?
5
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:20,750
? Boo, boo, boo, boo ?
6
00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:23,290
? Boo, boo, boo, boo ?
7
00:00:23,740 --> 00:00:24,739
[laughs]
8
00:00:24,740 --> 00:00:25,889
Ooh! [growls]
9
00:00:25,890 --> 00:00:27,319
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
10
00:00:27,320 --> 00:00:29,330
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
11
00:00:33,080 --> 00:00:34,359
[panting]
12
00:00:34,360 --> 00:00:36,270
Really feel like
I crushed it today.
13
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,200
Let's see what a celebrity thinks.
14
00:00:38,350 --> 00:00:40,440
Hi. This is Padma Lakshmi.
15
00:00:40,590 --> 00:00:42,040
You'll never look like me,
16
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:45,200
but keep trying to meet
that impossible standard.
17
00:00:45,350 --> 00:00:47,600
Thanks, Padma.
See ya tomorrow.
18
00:00:47,620 --> 00:00:49,856
- Good morning, everyone.
- [all hiss]
19
00:00:49,891 --> 00:00:51,210
Close the door, you psycho.
20
00:00:51,360 --> 00:00:54,620
It's 11:00 a.m.
and you're still in pajamas?
21
00:00:54,710 --> 00:00:56,860
Quiet. We're watching
"Teen Housewives."
22
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,610
You look terrible, Brendell.
What's wrong?
23
00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:04,370
The twins were up all night
and I've got glee club tryouts.
24
00:01:04,390 --> 00:01:08,040
Really, Tylan?
On my half birthday?
25
00:01:08,140 --> 00:01:09,640
Oh, my God. Tylan's a dick.
26
00:01:09,790 --> 00:01:12,810
He's a bad husband,
but an amazing father.
27
00:01:12,960 --> 00:01:15,140
Everybody up.
We're getting out of the house.
28
00:01:15,290 --> 00:01:16,980
Family outing.
Where do you wanna go?
29
00:01:17,130 --> 00:01:21,390
Can we go to the bookstore?
My animal book is acting weird.
30
00:01:21,410 --> 00:01:24,060
The cow goes,
"Barnyard Kids Books makes us
31
00:01:24,080 --> 00:01:26,469
pee in plastic bottles.
Unionize now."
32
00:01:26,470 --> 00:01:28,250
That's a great idea.
33
00:01:28,470 --> 00:01:30,320
The bookstore has something
for everyone.
34
00:01:30,480 --> 00:01:34,880
Music, toys, teen mags, toys,
and I think books.
35
00:01:36,830 --> 00:01:38,500
[gasps]
36
00:01:38,650 --> 00:01:40,449
Oh, my God! Stephen King!
37
00:01:40,450 --> 00:01:42,249
You write books so good!
38
00:01:42,284 --> 00:01:44,170
Thanks, lady,
but there's a long line
39
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:46,660
because I'm immensely popular.
40
00:01:46,750 --> 00:01:49,420
Okay, but I just love
the twist at the end
41
00:01:49,440 --> 00:01:53,462
when Carrie goes back to
her own planet. [all gasp]
42
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:54,939
[crowd muttering]
43
00:01:54,940 --> 00:01:57,796
Nice going. I'm ruined!
44
00:01:58,430 --> 00:02:01,000
Why do they always make me
bring my own table?
45
00:02:01,020 --> 00:02:05,212
Haunted table. That's it!
The King is back!
46
00:02:05,450 --> 00:02:08,290
So here's Pete Townshend
smashing his guitar,
47
00:02:08,510 --> 00:02:10,360
Hendrix burning his guitar,
48
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:13,790
and Prince, um...
loving his guitar.
49
00:02:13,940 --> 00:02:15,860
These are the heroes
that convinced me to pass up
50
00:02:15,884 --> 00:02:18,454
a full ride
to Oakdale Community College,
51
00:02:18,520 --> 00:02:22,887
- form my own band, and...
- [laughter]
52
00:02:24,700 --> 00:02:28,970
Fine, but you don't get to see
naked John and Yoko!
53
00:02:29,120 --> 00:02:30,570
Ew.
54
00:02:31,720 --> 00:02:35,200
Hey, look at me.
I'm a businessman.
55
00:02:35,220 --> 00:02:38,078
I have a mistress in Des Moines.
56
00:02:38,390 --> 00:02:41,989
Ugh, my lumbar is barking.
[device vibrating]
57
00:02:42,120 --> 00:02:44,530
Mia, check it out. Ab toner.
58
00:02:44,680 --> 00:02:46,270
- [skin rips]
- Dude, you're bleeding.
59
00:02:46,290 --> 00:02:48,290
No pain, no...
ooh, that looks bad.
60
00:02:48,480 --> 00:02:52,130
A '57 Chevy massage
sofa floor model!
61
00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:54,500
Just like we always talk about!
62
00:02:56,210 --> 00:02:58,280
[chuckles]
63
00:02:58,300 --> 00:03:01,280
ALL: Oh.
64
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:05,140
Whoa.
65
00:03:05,290 --> 00:03:07,140
[all grunting]
66
00:03:07,290 --> 00:03:10,220
- Oh, we have to have this.
- Yeah, she's a beaut.
67
00:03:10,370 --> 00:03:13,175
Normally I'd try and butter
you up to get you to buy it,
68
00:03:13,176 --> 00:03:15,980
but you guys are clearly too
smart and good-looking for that.
69
00:03:16,210 --> 00:03:17,660
Oh, man.
[all giggle]
70
00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:19,380
Watch your boy haggle.
71
00:03:19,470 --> 00:03:21,300
We will pay anything
for this sofa.
72
00:03:21,320 --> 00:03:23,400
You got our relaxed asses
over a barrel.
73
00:03:23,550 --> 00:03:26,499
Listen, I'll give it to you for,
I don't know, 200 bucks?
74
00:03:26,500 --> 00:03:28,890
I don't have that kind
of money in my mom's purse.
75
00:03:28,980 --> 00:03:31,330
Okay, I'll hold it
until you get the cash.
76
00:03:31,480 --> 00:03:34,000
Watch this.
You've got a deal!
77
00:03:34,230 --> 00:03:35,319
[sighs]
78
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:36,659
Why aren't there any ways
79
00:03:36,660 --> 00:03:39,569
- that teenagers can make money?
- Papa Moms is hiring.
80
00:03:39,570 --> 00:03:41,420
Nothing! There's nothing!
81
00:03:41,570 --> 00:03:43,020
Why don't you buy us
the sofa, Mia?
82
00:03:43,070 --> 00:03:45,910
I sponsor nine kids
and one alpaca in Honduras.
83
00:03:45,920 --> 00:03:48,410
Oh, and I just had to have
this nose ring.
84
00:03:48,430 --> 00:03:51,020
[bell dings]
ALL: Mr. Mitch!
85
00:03:51,170 --> 00:03:52,840
Can I interest you
in a pedi-cab ride?
86
00:03:52,860 --> 00:03:56,079
It's all the fun of speeding in
a convertible, but way slower.
87
00:03:56,080 --> 00:03:59,509
Wait, that's not your regular job.
You're our teacher.
88
00:03:59,510 --> 00:04:01,100
These days,
teachers need side hustles
89
00:04:01,260 --> 00:04:02,589
to buy classroom supplies.
90
00:04:02,590 --> 00:04:04,370
I'm also a telephone psychic.
[phone rings]
91
00:04:04,520 --> 00:04:06,358
Mystic Mitch.
Whatcha wanna know?
92
00:04:06,393 --> 00:04:10,040
Yeah, you'll get that promotion
and find true love.
93
00:04:10,190 --> 00:04:12,430
No, not him...
Yeah, him.
94
00:04:12,450 --> 00:04:14,360
Good news, kids,
you're getting desks.
95
00:04:14,420 --> 00:04:18,440
It's so unfair that I deliver pizzas
and make more than a teacher.
96
00:04:18,460 --> 00:04:20,530
- You do?
- Sorry, I thought you knew.
97
00:04:20,550 --> 00:04:22,380
But I'm not raising
the next generation...
98
00:04:22,610 --> 00:04:25,109
oh, the kids in Honduras.
I am. Never mind.
99
00:04:25,110 --> 00:04:27,220
We have a huge problem, Mr. Mitch.
100
00:04:27,370 --> 00:04:28,820
We need to buy a massage sofa.
101
00:04:28,950 --> 00:04:32,300
Have you considered participating
in the lucrative gig economy?
102
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,710
Well, of course. What's that?
103
00:04:34,810 --> 00:04:37,140
You know, grocery shopping
for lazy people,
104
00:04:37,290 --> 00:04:38,629
driving for lazy people,
105
00:04:38,630 --> 00:04:40,380
putting stuff together
for lazy people.
106
00:04:40,400 --> 00:04:44,410
- But we are lazy people.
- Oh. Then just charge scooters.
107
00:04:44,560 --> 00:04:46,390
You pick up scooters
with dead batteries,
108
00:04:46,410 --> 00:04:48,730
charge 'em up,
and the company pays you.
109
00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:51,060
- Sounds complicated.
- No, we could do this.
110
00:04:51,080 --> 00:04:52,489
Thanks, Mr. Mitch.
111
00:04:52,490 --> 00:04:54,750
Inspired by a teacher.
Who could've figured?
112
00:04:57,070 --> 00:04:58,149
[all grunt]
113
00:04:58,150 --> 00:04:59,650
[pedi-cab creaks]
114
00:04:59,740 --> 00:05:01,530
- [phone rings]
- Mystic Mitch.
115
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,260
You'll find the body
in the old ravine.
116
00:05:03,480 --> 00:05:04,909
ALL: Whoa!
117
00:05:04,910 --> 00:05:09,320
Nah, I'm just playing a mind
game with a troubled detective.
118
00:05:09,340 --> 00:05:11,410
Look what I found.
119
00:05:11,430 --> 00:05:13,600
My old high school band
has to be in here.
120
00:05:13,750 --> 00:05:15,750
Come on,
Jack and the Die Youngs.
121
00:05:15,770 --> 00:05:18,259
- Damn it.
- Toot toot!
122
00:05:18,260 --> 00:05:20,590
[gasps]
Locomotive Larry!
123
00:05:20,610 --> 00:05:22,670
[breathing heavily]
[light guitar music]
124
00:05:22,690 --> 00:05:25,949
This is a song about the wheels
on the bus and how they go!
125
00:05:25,950 --> 00:05:28,620
? The wheels on the bus
go round and round ?
126
00:05:28,770 --> 00:05:32,030
[watch beeps] Hey!
My community service is over.
127
00:05:32,180 --> 00:05:34,940
So long, brats.
Toot toot!
128
00:05:34,960 --> 00:05:36,349
ALL: Aww.
129
00:05:36,350 --> 00:05:39,846
So his wuv was
court-mandated?
130
00:05:39,881 --> 00:05:42,540
Daddy, you're a singer.
You sing to me every night.
131
00:05:42,690 --> 00:05:44,370
[whispers]
That's my private persona.
132
00:05:44,530 --> 00:05:47,860
My public persona is all about
rockin' hard and dying young.
133
00:05:47,950 --> 00:05:51,530
Well, you failed at both,
so get up there.
134
00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:54,290
BOTH: ? The wheels on the bus
go round and round ?
135
00:05:54,390 --> 00:05:55,960
? Round and round,
round and round ?
136
00:05:56,050 --> 00:05:58,460
? The wheels on the bus
go round and round ?
137
00:05:58,560 --> 00:06:00,460
? All through the town ?
138
00:06:00,560 --> 00:06:02,540
Who's riding on the bus?
139
00:06:02,560 --> 00:06:04,650
I don't know.
Some screamin' babies?
140
00:06:04,880 --> 00:06:06,710
? The babies on the bus go ?
141
00:06:06,730 --> 00:06:09,640
? Wah wah wah, wah wah wah,
wah wah wah ?
142
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:12,490
- [laughter]
- That's them to a T.
143
00:06:12,640 --> 00:06:16,000
BOTH: ? E-I-E-I-O ?
144
00:06:16,220 --> 00:06:17,670
[all cheering]
145
00:06:17,820 --> 00:06:20,405
Yo, Bradley.
Who knew Jing and her pop
146
00:06:20,406 --> 00:06:21,580
were so friggin' talented?
147
00:06:21,730 --> 00:06:25,296
It's just good to hear
wive music again.
148
00:06:26,790 --> 00:06:28,790
We were a hit, Daddy.
149
00:06:28,810 --> 00:06:30,960
We should make a band
and be famous like you tried
150
00:06:30,980 --> 00:06:32,700
before you fell in love
with plumbing.
151
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,980
Today was fun for me too,
sweetheart,
152
00:06:35,210 --> 00:06:38,819
but I wouldn't want to ruin a
father/daughter memory chasing fame.
153
00:06:38,820 --> 00:06:40,710
The music business
is a cruel mistress.
154
00:06:40,850 --> 00:06:42,760
One minute you and Wayne
promise the music
155
00:06:42,850 --> 00:06:43,999
will always come first,
156
00:06:44,000 --> 00:06:45,500
then the night
before your big break,
157
00:06:45,590 --> 00:06:47,070
he tells you
his girlfriend's pregnant
158
00:06:47,160 --> 00:06:48,640
and he's quitting
to become a dentist,
159
00:06:48,664 --> 00:06:50,860
so you knock his teeth out
and say, "Fix those!"
160
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:52,840
and never speak
to each other again.
161
00:06:52,860 --> 00:06:55,600
Daddy, can you stop talking?
I'm tired.
162
00:06:55,700 --> 00:06:58,289
But don't turn out the light.
You know I'm afraid of the dark.
163
00:06:58,290 --> 00:07:01,020
Aww, there's nothing to be
afraid of, sweetie.
164
00:07:01,700 --> 00:07:04,130
Daddy will never let anything
happen to you.
165
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:05,539
[screams]
166
00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:06,990
[both scream]
167
00:07:07,020 --> 00:07:08,710
Sorry, what I meant
to scream was,
168
00:07:08,800 --> 00:07:10,540
"Jayden's parents called!
169
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:12,620
They want you to play
his birthday party."
170
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:16,120
- Daddy, we're a band!
- Let's chase fame!
171
00:07:16,140 --> 00:07:18,100
Whoo-hoo!
172
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,378
Be careful what you wish for.
173
00:07:27,600 --> 00:07:29,839
[kids shouting]
174
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,790
Surprisingly good turnout
for Jayden.
175
00:07:32,010 --> 00:07:34,100
He's always biting kids
at recess.
176
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,010
Ah, crap,
it's a non-sugar house.
177
00:07:36,030 --> 00:07:38,530
I've never played
for a sober crowd before.
178
00:07:38,630 --> 00:07:40,110
Remember, it's three songs,
179
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:41,780
Happy Birthday
shout-out to Jayden,
180
00:07:41,800 --> 00:07:43,710
and we're gone
before the zucchini cake.
181
00:07:43,860 --> 00:07:44,949
All right, listen up, dorks.
182
00:07:44,950 --> 00:07:46,540
I know you're not allowed
to watch TV,
183
00:07:46,690 --> 00:07:48,140
so this is gonna
blow your mind.
184
00:07:48,140 --> 00:07:49,950
Give it up for Jack and Jing!
185
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,120
- [all cheering]
- Whoo! Yeah!
186
00:07:52,220 --> 00:07:54,790
? You should always brush
all your teeth after meals ?
187
00:07:54,810 --> 00:07:56,460
? After meals! ?
188
00:07:56,550 --> 00:07:58,870
? Gargle, floss,
and rinse-spit after meals ?
189
00:07:58,890 --> 00:08:01,060
[spits]
[laughter]
190
00:08:01,210 --> 00:08:02,820
? So do not try to fight us ?
191
00:08:02,970 --> 00:08:04,650
? Or you'll get gross gingivitis ?
192
00:08:04,880 --> 00:08:05,989
? And have a mouth ?
193
00:08:05,990 --> 00:08:07,650
? That's filled with bleeding gums ?
194
00:08:07,810 --> 00:08:09,640
BOTH: ? Bleeding gums! ?
195
00:08:09,660 --> 00:08:10,809
[all cheering]
196
00:08:10,810 --> 00:08:14,240
- Ow!
- Jayden likes you.
197
00:08:14,330 --> 00:08:15,569
[snoring]
198
00:08:15,570 --> 00:08:18,410
[cheers and applause]
199
00:08:18,500 --> 00:08:20,420
Time to juice the scoots.
200
00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:24,500
[mischievous music]
201
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:27,510
[electricity crackling]
202
00:08:27,730 --> 00:08:29,750
- [beeping]
- We got juice.
203
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,420
- BOTH: Yes!
- Whoo-hoo!
204
00:08:31,510 --> 00:08:33,070
[gasps]
205
00:08:33,090 --> 00:08:35,740
What happened to "Family Feud?"
206
00:08:35,760 --> 00:08:38,090
Relax, Grandma.
There's Steve Harvey.
207
00:08:38,190 --> 00:08:42,030
[as Steve Harvey] Uh, what's a body
part that starts with the letter P?
208
00:08:42,170 --> 00:08:46,320
[laughs]
Steve's not gonna like this.
209
00:08:48,420 --> 00:08:50,850
Tomorrow at 3:00 for Miley's
big girl bed party,
210
00:08:50,870 --> 00:08:52,530
and no songs
with the word "peanuts" in it
211
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,689
because she's allergic.
Got it.
212
00:08:54,690 --> 00:08:58,450
You two are booked solid.
And I am quite the momager.
213
00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:02,020
Oh wait, I get it.
It's mom and manager!
214
00:09:02,040 --> 00:09:04,940
Mom... mom-man... mom-mana...
ah, crap, I lost it.
215
00:09:04,960 --> 00:09:07,110
Okay, Jing,
we wowed 'em today,
216
00:09:07,120 --> 00:09:09,050
but it's no time
to get complacent.
217
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,840
"Farmer in the Dell"
is a crowd-pleaser.
218
00:09:10,864 --> 00:09:12,219
That's why we pull it,
219
00:09:12,220 --> 00:09:14,610
and replace it with "Head,
Shoulders, Knees, and Toes."
220
00:09:14,630 --> 00:09:15,869
They won't know what hit 'em.
221
00:09:15,870 --> 00:09:18,994
- Okay.
- Eep! Oh, sorry,
222
00:09:19,029 --> 00:09:19,901
I thought you were
gonna throw that bowl at me.
223
00:09:20,120 --> 00:09:21,970
You're a lot easier
to work with than Wayne.
224
00:09:22,120 --> 00:09:25,219
- I just like having fun with you.
- I'm having fun with you too.
225
00:09:25,220 --> 00:09:27,070
And I feel like a musician again,
226
00:09:27,290 --> 00:09:30,150
but without the pressure
of trying to become rock stars.
227
00:09:30,240 --> 00:09:32,960
Right this way. It's your
afternoon meet and greet.
228
00:09:32,980 --> 00:09:35,890
Meet and greet?
Wow, just like rock stars!
229
00:09:35,910 --> 00:09:38,320
Bradley, how you doin', my man?
230
00:09:38,470 --> 00:09:39,970
[grunting]
231
00:09:39,990 --> 00:09:41,870
Okay, pose. Smile.
You're meeting your heroes.
232
00:09:41,894 --> 00:09:43,159
Please exit through the back.
233
00:09:43,160 --> 00:09:44,810
Hey, Jing, as members
of the Jing Ring,
234
00:09:44,830 --> 00:09:46,400
can we take a piece of trash?
235
00:09:46,420 --> 00:09:50,420
Help yourself, Lil Joey.
Anything for my stans.
236
00:09:50,650 --> 00:09:54,800
- Wow. They're a Heinz family.
- Nothin' but the best.
237
00:09:55,760 --> 00:09:57,159
[children shouting and laughing]
238
00:09:57,160 --> 00:09:59,420
? Bath time just cannot be beat ?
239
00:09:59,440 --> 00:10:00,920
? Doo-dah, doo-dah ?
240
00:10:00,940 --> 00:10:02,940
? Gotta wash your stinky feet ?
241
00:10:03,090 --> 00:10:05,160
? Or I'm gonna barf, blegh! ?
242
00:10:05,180 --> 00:10:06,609
[laughter]
243
00:10:06,610 --> 00:10:08,680
BOTH: ? Don't run in front
of the ice cream truck ?
244
00:10:08,780 --> 00:10:10,230
? If you want your treat ?
245
00:10:10,340 --> 00:10:12,610
? Look left and right
and all around ?
246
00:10:12,760 --> 00:10:16,170
? Or you'll be dead meat ?
247
00:10:16,270 --> 00:10:17,029
I'm dead.
248
00:10:17,030 --> 00:10:18,480
[laughter and cheering]
249
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,860
Look both ways. Thank you.
[cheering]
250
00:10:22,020 --> 00:10:24,850
And that's why we don't
talk to strangers.
251
00:10:24,940 --> 00:10:26,630
We love you, Oakdale!
252
00:10:26,850 --> 00:10:28,370
[cheers and applause]
253
00:10:28,460 --> 00:10:30,460
To the limo! Go, go, go!
254
00:10:32,030 --> 00:10:33,780
Whoa!
[fabric ripping]
255
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,874
I got browns and grays.
256
00:10:38,050 --> 00:10:40,030
- [scooter dings]
- Scooters' charged.
257
00:10:40,050 --> 00:10:43,510
- Quick. Let's ride 'em.
- No, we're trying to make money.
258
00:10:43,660 --> 00:10:45,110
Oh, yeah, money good.
259
00:10:45,130 --> 00:10:47,390
What kind of bang we got
in that account, Mia?
260
00:10:47,480 --> 00:10:52,420
500... cents?
They shouldn't do it that way.
261
00:10:52,470 --> 00:10:53,920
$5? That sucks.
262
00:10:53,970 --> 00:10:56,400
Yeah, to get 200,
we're gonna need...
263
00:10:56,550 --> 00:10:58,730
uh, carry the 12...
264
00:10:58,890 --> 00:11:02,660
- I before E except after C...
- Duncan, your nose is bleeding.
265
00:11:02,890 --> 00:11:04,233
We're never gonna get that sofa.
266
00:11:04,234 --> 00:11:06,170
- Why do I pray?
- There's no need for prayer.
267
00:11:06,320 --> 00:11:07,739
Your boy Yangzi's a money god.
268
00:11:07,740 --> 00:11:10,570
$5 is all I need
to make that salesman
269
00:11:10,571 --> 00:11:11,820
an offer he can't refuse.
270
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:13,750
You refuse?
Sir, I'm begging you.
271
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:16,999
- Please do not refuse.
- I can't sell it to you,
272
00:11:17,000 --> 00:11:18,760
but I don't see a problem
keeping it on hold.
273
00:11:18,910 --> 00:11:20,179
Oh, wait, I do see a problem.
274
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,180
Those four gentlemen
trying it out.
275
00:11:22,330 --> 00:11:24,020
[dramatic sting]
276
00:11:24,170 --> 00:11:25,930
The Stay At Home Dads?
277
00:11:26,080 --> 00:11:27,910
Get your ass
off our floor sample.
278
00:11:27,930 --> 00:11:29,380
- [hisses]
- Language.
279
00:11:29,420 --> 00:11:31,860
I'm sorry.
I don't see a sold tag.
280
00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,940
We have dibs, you beta males.
281
00:11:34,030 --> 00:11:35,630
There's nothing wrong
with staying home
282
00:11:35,650 --> 00:11:37,410
and raising your children
without any thanks.
283
00:11:37,470 --> 00:11:40,870
Which is why we need this
massaging sofa in my man cave,
284
00:11:41,020 --> 00:11:42,259
if I'm ever allowed to have one.
285
00:11:42,260 --> 00:11:43,780
I'm sorry your wives
won't touch you,
286
00:11:43,930 --> 00:11:45,209
but I'll die for this sofa.
287
00:11:45,210 --> 00:11:46,950
- [phone beeps]
- Bridget, it's Tom.
288
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:49,379
Tom!
Can you authorize the card for me?
289
00:11:49,380 --> 00:11:50,549
I need $200.
290
00:11:50,550 --> 00:11:52,990
I know it's only Wednesday.
I spent it.
291
00:11:53,025 --> 00:11:53,860
What do you think groceries cost?
292
00:11:53,880 --> 00:11:55,440
- Oh, she hung up.
- Jackpot!
293
00:11:55,530 --> 00:11:58,220
Naomi's giving me
my allowance tomorrow.
294
00:11:58,370 --> 00:11:59,459
A day early.
295
00:11:59,460 --> 00:12:00,629
- All right, Ron!
- Yeah!
296
00:12:00,630 --> 00:12:03,460
- Ron!
- We'll be back tomorrow
297
00:12:03,461 --> 00:12:07,100
for the sofa after nap time.
That's noon in adult time.
298
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,540
How are we gonna pick up
enough scooters
299
00:12:10,564 --> 00:12:11,809
to charge by tomorrow?
300
00:12:11,810 --> 00:12:13,880
We don't have a vehicle.
[bell dings]
301
00:12:13,900 --> 00:12:15,069
Get your pedi-cab.
302
00:12:15,070 --> 00:12:16,890
The won't-get-you-there-in-time
pedi-cab.
303
00:12:16,910 --> 00:12:19,860
The sweat-on-my-back-
in-your-face pedi-cab.
304
00:12:20,980 --> 00:12:23,990
Hey, kids,
you're smiling coyly today.
305
00:12:25,230 --> 00:12:26,990
? Who always calls me honey ?
306
00:12:27,140 --> 00:12:28,730
? And gives me ice cream money? ?
307
00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,730
? My daddy ?
308
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:32,069
? Who always makes me glad ?
309
00:12:32,070 --> 00:12:34,400
? That I get to be her dad? ?
310
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:35,950
? My daughter ?
311
00:12:36,150 --> 00:12:39,080
This is the sweetest song
I've ever heard.
312
00:12:39,170 --> 00:12:42,820
- Kimberly, are you crying?
- It was just so beautiful.
313
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:44,580
It's actually
a slowed down version
314
00:12:44,670 --> 00:12:47,720
of the diarrhea song,
but it works. [phone rings]
315
00:12:47,770 --> 00:12:50,090
A.H.E., an abbreviation
for Annie Harris Entertainment.
316
00:12:50,110 --> 00:12:52,510
A.H. speaking.
Are you serious?!
317
00:12:52,670 --> 00:12:53,999
Okay, I'm gonna hang up
318
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:55,850
without saying goodbye
like they do on TV.
319
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:58,020
[gasps]
You're playing Ticklepalooza.
320
00:12:58,110 --> 00:12:59,519
Ticklepalooza?
321
00:12:59,520 --> 00:13:01,600
That's the festival that
launched The Hooley Dooleys,
322
00:13:01,624 --> 00:13:03,680
Blippi the Clown,
and Caspar Babypants.
323
00:13:03,690 --> 00:13:06,850
You mean Caspar Babypants
of the hit song "Noodles and Butter"?
324
00:13:06,860 --> 00:13:08,310
Who the hell else would I mean?
325
00:13:08,440 --> 00:13:10,960
And it's where the Baby Shark
kids were arrested.
326
00:13:11,110 --> 00:13:13,850
Jing, this is everything
we've been working toward
327
00:13:13,870 --> 00:13:16,540
since last Saturday
at the bookstore.
328
00:13:16,630 --> 00:13:18,130
Wait till Lil Joey hears this.
329
00:13:18,280 --> 00:13:20,530
He's gonna say
it's friggin' awesome.
330
00:13:20,540 --> 00:13:23,880
Hey, Jing!
I just heard about Ticklepalooza!
331
00:13:24,030 --> 00:13:26,179
That's friggin' awesome!
332
00:13:26,214 --> 00:13:29,310
- Told ya.
- When did that building go up?
333
00:13:32,040 --> 00:13:33,840
Daddy, I'm ready to be tucked in.
334
00:13:33,930 --> 00:13:36,260
Tucked in?
Tomorrow's Ticklepalooza!
335
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:38,670
We've got one night to come up
with a whole new act.
336
00:13:38,770 --> 00:13:40,510
Here's some song topics
I'm kicking around:
337
00:13:40,530 --> 00:13:43,100
fingers don't belong up noses,
don't chew gum in Singapore,
338
00:13:43,200 --> 00:13:45,120
something about not petting
a dog you don't know.
339
00:13:45,144 --> 00:13:48,240
- Are any of these landing for you?
- Can't we just play the hits?
340
00:13:48,280 --> 00:13:49,940
Do you think
people go see the Stones
341
00:13:49,960 --> 00:13:51,700
[chuckling] just to hear the hits?
342
00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:54,710
But Mom says when I get off
my sleep schedule,
343
00:13:54,860 --> 00:13:56,239
I become a hellion.
344
00:13:56,240 --> 00:13:59,470
When we get discovered,
you're not gonna need a mom.
345
00:13:59,620 --> 00:14:00,809
You're scaring me, Daddy.
346
00:14:00,810 --> 00:14:02,710
I thought you wanted this
as bad as I do.
347
00:14:02,870 --> 00:14:05,370
Here, rub some of these
sugar cubes on your gums.
348
00:14:05,460 --> 00:14:07,060
Legend has it
that's how Caspar Babypants
349
00:14:07,200 --> 00:14:09,400
stayed up for three weeks
to write "Noodles and Butter."
350
00:14:09,424 --> 00:14:11,370
I don't wanna stay up
for three weeks.
351
00:14:11,470 --> 00:14:14,130
You know, you're being
a real Wayne right now.
352
00:14:14,230 --> 00:14:17,140
I'm starting to think
Wayne wasn't the problem.
353
00:14:17,160 --> 00:14:18,970
You don't care
about my band at all.
354
00:14:19,070 --> 00:14:22,160
Your band?
Without me, there is no band.
355
00:14:22,310 --> 00:14:26,300
- My cute face puts butts on the grass.
- Get a grip, pigtails.
356
00:14:26,310 --> 00:14:28,070
Without my music,
you're just a cute face
357
00:14:28,220 --> 00:14:31,180
that pops up and says, "Moo."
I can get a cow to do that.
358
00:14:31,230 --> 00:14:32,730
[phone beeps]
Chapman's Cattle?
359
00:14:32,820 --> 00:14:34,270
That's it! I quit, man!
360
00:14:34,400 --> 00:14:37,347
- Not if I quit first.
- [yells] Get my milk!
361
00:14:37,382 --> 00:14:39,830
Oh, I'll get your milk
because I love you!
362
00:14:39,850 --> 00:14:43,740
[yells] I love you too!
363
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:44,849
No, I don't need milk.
364
00:14:44,850 --> 00:14:46,670
I'm just fighting
with a five-year-old.
365
00:14:46,690 --> 00:14:49,924
Yup. Yup.
Yeah, it's a band thing.
366
00:14:52,270 --> 00:14:54,840
Not going? What do you
mean you're not going?
367
00:14:54,930 --> 00:14:56,930
- Ask her.
- Okay, Jing.
368
00:14:57,090 --> 00:14:58,349
- Why are...
- Don't ask her!
369
00:14:58,350 --> 00:15:00,180
She's nothing but fibs and lies!
370
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:03,260
- And he's a meanie!
- Oh, that is it.
371
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:05,110
Ah, Jack, she's your daughter.
372
00:15:05,260 --> 00:15:07,260
And I love her more
than anything in the world.
373
00:15:07,280 --> 00:15:10,040
I just never want
to talk to her again!
374
00:15:10,270 --> 00:15:12,075
She's a
five-year-old girl.
375
00:15:12,076 --> 00:15:14,578
She's fragile and sensitive.
376
00:15:14,613 --> 00:15:16,290
And Jing, your father's
a middle-aged man.
377
00:15:16,440 --> 00:15:19,720
- He's fragile and sensitive.
- Ah, forget it.
378
00:15:19,780 --> 00:15:22,020
The day we sing together again
is when heck freezes over.
379
00:15:22,044 --> 00:15:25,279
No problemo.
I've already written three songs
380
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,210
for my poorly-received
solo album.
381
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:29,470
As a wife and mother,
this destroys me,
382
00:15:29,620 --> 00:15:32,300
but as your manager,
I don't care if you get along!
383
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:34,900
I got you sponsored
by a kids' health database
384
00:15:35,050 --> 00:15:38,140
called "Pediafile" and we don't
want to give 'em a bad name.
385
00:15:38,290 --> 00:15:41,570
Fine, I'll do it,
but we go in separate cars.
386
00:15:41,720 --> 00:15:44,650
And he can only have
the green gummy bears backstage.
387
00:15:44,740 --> 00:15:46,560
Lime?!
This isn't gonna work!
388
00:15:46,580 --> 00:15:49,730
- Jack.
- F-i-i-i-n-e.
389
00:15:49,820 --> 00:15:52,579
I guess one of us has
to be the adult. [groans]
390
00:15:52,580 --> 00:15:55,898
That's the only hit
you'll ever have!
391
00:15:55,980 --> 00:15:57,419
You're all hooked up, Mr. Mitch.
392
00:15:57,420 --> 00:15:59,910
Lead the way
to the scooter hot spots.
393
00:15:59,930 --> 00:16:01,500
[grunts]
394
00:16:01,650 --> 00:16:04,430
[upbeat music]
395
00:16:04,580 --> 00:16:10,530
?
396
00:16:17,930 --> 00:16:20,690
Activate killer robotic dogs!
397
00:16:20,780 --> 00:16:22,690
- [robot dogs whir]
- Bark. Bark.
398
00:16:22,780 --> 00:16:24,019
Bark, bark.
399
00:16:24,020 --> 00:16:26,780
Bark, bark, bark, bark,
bark, bark.
400
00:16:27,010 --> 00:16:28,460
Ball!
401
00:16:28,530 --> 00:16:29,699
[robot dogs beep]
402
00:16:29,700 --> 00:16:35,530
?
403
00:16:35,630 --> 00:16:37,700
[all cheering]
404
00:16:37,850 --> 00:16:40,460
Be careful what you wish for.
405
00:16:40,610 --> 00:16:44,970
[cheers and applause]
406
00:16:45,250 --> 00:16:47,340
But seriously, folks,
people tell me
407
00:16:47,490 --> 00:16:49,830
I need to come out of my shell,
but I can't.
408
00:16:49,850 --> 00:16:51,300
There's no zipper.
[laughter]
409
00:16:51,330 --> 00:16:53,920
Ooh!
The Cheerios on this guy!
410
00:16:54,060 --> 00:16:56,110
Good set.
Did you not see the light?
411
00:16:56,260 --> 00:16:58,760
- What?
- Nothing, nothing. Good set.
412
00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:01,010
Listen, I know you two
are having your differences,
413
00:17:01,020 --> 00:17:03,840
but look at all
the smiling families
414
00:17:03,930 --> 00:17:06,960
- excited to see you.
- You're right, honey.
415
00:17:06,961 --> 00:17:10,029
- They do look excited to see me.
- Those aren't for you.
416
00:17:10,030 --> 00:17:13,349
- The sign says "For Talent Only."
- Stop topping me!
417
00:17:13,350 --> 00:17:15,850
- Stop making it so easy.
- You're on!
418
00:17:15,870 --> 00:17:17,109
- Ooh!
- Ah!
419
00:17:17,110 --> 00:17:19,690
[cheers and applause]
420
00:17:19,710 --> 00:17:20,799
[both growl]
421
00:17:20,800 --> 00:17:22,280
? Who always calls me honey ?
422
00:17:22,300 --> 00:17:24,040
? And gives me
ice cream money? ?
423
00:17:24,200 --> 00:17:25,880
? My daddy ?
424
00:17:26,030 --> 00:17:27,459
? Who makes me feel glad ?
425
00:17:27,460 --> 00:17:29,480
? That I get to be her dad? ?
426
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:30,719
? My daughter ?
427
00:17:30,720 --> 00:17:33,960
Total pros. Hiding their
hatred for each other.
428
00:17:34,060 --> 00:17:36,322
Just like Chip and Joanna Gaines.
429
00:17:36,357 --> 00:17:38,470
There's something goin' on
between Joanna and Clint.
430
00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:39,319
Totally.
431
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:42,380
- ALL: Oh.
- It's beautiful.
432
00:17:42,470 --> 00:17:44,400
And we owe it all to you,
Mr. Mitch.
433
00:17:44,550 --> 00:17:47,330
My calves don't fit
in my track suit anymore.
434
00:17:47,480 --> 00:17:49,650
My girl's gonna love
these bad boys.
435
00:17:49,660 --> 00:17:51,059
Plug it in, Bex.
436
00:17:51,060 --> 00:17:54,230
To Grandmother's house I go!
437
00:17:54,240 --> 00:17:57,840
BOTH: ? We love each other
in every way ?
438
00:17:57,990 --> 00:17:59,169
? You're my shorty ?
439
00:17:59,170 --> 00:18:00,900
? And I'm your bae ?
440
00:18:00,990 --> 00:18:02,900
ALL: Aww.
441
00:18:02,990 --> 00:18:04,570
You hear that, Jing?
442
00:18:04,660 --> 00:18:07,720
- They love my song.
- Oh, it's on.
443
00:18:07,830 --> 00:18:11,580
? Who works as a plumber
and couldn't be more dumber? ?
444
00:18:11,670 --> 00:18:12,849
? My daddy ?
445
00:18:12,850 --> 00:18:14,840
? Who's afraid of the dark ?
446
00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:16,099
? And is the family narc? ?
447
00:18:16,100 --> 00:18:19,250
- ? My daughter ?
- I'm telling Mommy you said that.
448
00:18:19,270 --> 00:18:21,190
- Uh-oh.
- Do we have a problem?
449
00:18:21,350 --> 00:18:24,160
'Cause the last thing I need
is traumatized kids.
450
00:18:25,610 --> 00:18:26,779
[snores]
451
00:18:26,780 --> 00:18:32,210
- Bex, I want my night toast.
- Coming up, Grandma.
452
00:18:33,040 --> 00:18:35,460
[electricity crackling]
453
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:38,789
Oh, no!
454
00:18:38,790 --> 00:18:42,700
- I smell burnt toast.
- You're just having a stroke.
455
00:18:42,790 --> 00:18:44,590
Go back to sleep.
456
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:50,040
Uh, those scooters
are charging really fast.
457
00:18:50,060 --> 00:18:51,630
Yeah, I'm excited too.
458
00:18:51,780 --> 00:18:55,100
[electricity crackling]
459
00:18:57,230 --> 00:19:01,290
[all screaming]
460
00:19:01,310 --> 00:19:04,570
My phone's out there!
461
00:19:04,720 --> 00:19:09,220
- No!
- He's gone, man. He's gone.
462
00:19:09,240 --> 00:19:10,970
? Who acts like a baby ?
463
00:19:10,990 --> 00:19:13,409
? And is stuck in the '80s? ?
? My daddy ?
464
00:19:13,410 --> 00:19:15,230
? Who cries when she loses ?
465
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,309
? And can't tie her shoeses? ?
? My daughter ?
466
00:19:18,310 --> 00:19:19,810
? Who's losing all his hair ?
467
00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:21,159
? And showers in a chair? ?
468
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:22,589
? Whose nose is always runny ?
469
00:19:22,590 --> 00:19:25,476
? And thinks there's
an Easter Bunny? ?
470
00:19:25,511 --> 00:19:29,500
Huh? What?
Whose lap have I been sitting on?
471
00:19:29,660 --> 00:19:30,749
[children sobbing]
472
00:19:30,750 --> 00:19:32,770
No Easter Bunny? Ma!
473
00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:34,920
Tell me he's bustin' my basket.
474
00:19:34,940 --> 00:19:37,680
- Get 'em out of here!
- ALL: Boo!
475
00:19:37,770 --> 00:19:42,190
[gasps]
[electricity crackling]
476
00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:51,030
Okay, I was never here, right?
477
00:19:51,180 --> 00:19:52,599
[bell dings]
478
00:19:52,600 --> 00:19:54,290
[crowd screaming]
479
00:19:54,440 --> 00:19:56,940
Daddy!
I'm scared of the dark!
480
00:19:56,960 --> 00:19:58,610
[crowd screaming]
481
00:19:58,630 --> 00:20:01,520
I'll never let anything
happen to you, honey!
482
00:20:01,540 --> 00:20:05,130
Look out!
Reunited band coming through!
483
00:20:05,360 --> 00:20:07,860
For the love of God,
somebody flip me!
484
00:20:08,010 --> 00:20:11,230
- [crowd screaming]
- Run!
485
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,770
Hey, kiddo, can I tuck ya in?
486
00:20:14,920 --> 00:20:18,090
Yeah, it's not like
the Easter Bunny's gonna do it.
487
00:20:18,110 --> 00:20:19,930
Yeah, sorry about that.
488
00:20:19,940 --> 00:20:23,760
I'm 42 years older.
I should've been more mature.
489
00:20:23,780 --> 00:20:26,605
Sometimes grown-ups have lifelong anger
490
00:20:26,606 --> 00:20:29,430
at lost dreams, and it
comes out in weird ways.
491
00:20:30,100 --> 00:20:31,790
Will you read me a bedtime story?
492
00:20:33,120 --> 00:20:35,120
[soft music]
493
00:20:35,280 --> 00:20:37,870
Start with the Js.
494
00:20:38,020 --> 00:20:41,040
J. Geils.
Jackson 5.
495
00:20:41,190 --> 00:20:44,040
Jefferson Airplane.
Jefferson Starship.
496
00:20:44,140 --> 00:20:46,790
Ah, go down to the one
in crayon!
497
00:20:46,800 --> 00:20:49,530
Jing and Jack.
Aww.
498
00:20:49,550 --> 00:20:51,140
You put your name first?
499
00:20:51,290 --> 00:20:54,640
- I'll change it.
- Don't you dare.
500
00:20:54,870 --> 00:20:57,079
- Unless you want to.
- [groans]
501
00:20:59,260 --> 00:21:02,560
[moaning]
502
00:21:02,670 --> 00:21:04,120
Sorry we had to use the money
503
00:21:04,190 --> 00:21:06,260
to buy my grandma
a new toaster.
504
00:21:06,360 --> 00:21:07,840
Nah, this is just as good.
505
00:21:07,860 --> 00:21:09,700
Yeah, there's something
about the human touch
506
00:21:09,724 --> 00:21:11,530
that's just more satisfying.
507
00:21:11,750 --> 00:21:14,690
- Okay, our turn.
- Yeah, switch.
508
00:21:17,350 --> 00:21:19,200
Oh, yeah, I'm a ball of stress.
509
00:21:19,350 --> 00:21:20,519
[knock at door]
510
00:21:20,520 --> 00:21:23,020
Huh.
Who could that be at this hour?
511
00:21:23,870 --> 00:21:25,870
[as the Terminator]
Pet me if you want to live.
512
00:21:25,894 --> 00:21:28,120
- Pass.
- Oh, it's on.
513
00:21:28,210 --> 00:21:29,439
Kill them all.
514
00:21:29,440 --> 00:21:32,319
[robot dogs beep]
[all scream]
515
00:21:34,121 --> 00:21:37,088
516
00:21:37,138 --> 00:21:41,688
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