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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:12,600 --> 00:00:25,570 [ DISCLAIMER ] 2 00:00:25,567 --> 00:00:26,567 >> YOU OKAY? 3 00:00:26,567 --> 00:00:31,497 [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] 4 00:00:37,933 --> 00:00:38,873 >> Tosh: GREAT. 5 00:00:38,867 --> 00:00:40,567 NOW THERE'S A CRATER IN FRONT ME 6 00:00:40,567 --> 00:00:41,497 OF PEN. 7 00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:42,800 WELCOME TO "TOSH.0." 8 00:00:42,800 --> 00:00:45,170 RIP UP ALL YOUR BOOKS, TIME TO 9 00:00:45,167 --> 00:00:46,127 WATCH TELEVISION. 10 00:00:46,133 --> 00:00:47,773 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW WE REDEEM 11 00:00:47,767 --> 00:00:49,727 THIS HOMELAND SECURITY EXPERT, I 12 00:00:49,733 --> 00:00:52,173 HAVE A BALL CELEBRATING MOVEMBER 13 00:00:52,167 --> 00:00:54,597 AND GIVE MY STAFF A MUCH NEEDED 14 00:00:54,600 --> 00:00:55,130 PURGE. 15 00:00:55,133 --> 00:00:56,303 SOMETIMES IN PE IT'S MORE ABOUT 16 00:00:56,300 --> 00:01:00,100 LEARNING YOUR LIMITS. 17 00:01:00,100 --> 00:01:00,970 WHATEV. 18 00:01:00,967 --> 00:01:02,597 CARTWHEELS ARE STUPID ANYHOW. 19 00:01:02,600 --> 00:01:04,500 THE ONLY FLOOR ROUTINE TO BE 20 00:01:04,500 --> 00:01:05,570 JUDGED ON THE RICHTER SCALE. 21 00:01:05,567 --> 00:01:08,067 I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT 22 00:01:08,067 --> 00:01:10,067 IT'S POOR SHUFFLEBOARD STRATEGY. 23 00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:10,867 SOMEONE'S GOING TO KNOCK HER 24 00:01:10,867 --> 00:01:14,127 OUT. 25 00:01:14,133 --> 00:01:16,633 GIVE THAT BIG OLE BISCUIT A 26 00:01:16,633 --> 00:01:17,173 TOWEL. 27 00:01:17,167 --> 00:01:22,867 IF YOU'RE NOT FAMILIAR WITH 28 00:01:22,867 --> 00:01:25,127 SHUFFLE BOARD YOU WEREN'T FORCED 29 00:01:25,133 --> 00:01:27,233 TO GO TO FORT MEYERS ONCE A YEAR 30 00:01:27,233 --> 00:01:28,273 AS A KID. 31 00:01:28,267 --> 00:01:29,597 BAD THINGS HAPPEN WHEN YOU DRIVE 32 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:32,170 AND FILM AT THE SAME TIME. 33 00:01:32,167 --> 00:01:33,867 >> SIT DOWN. 34 00:01:33,867 --> 00:01:36,067 >> Tosh: HE'S TERRIFIED TO BE 35 00:01:36,067 --> 00:01:37,097 RIDING WITH A FEMALE DRIVER. 36 00:01:37,100 --> 00:01:40,700 >> STOP. 37 00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:45,700 HE JUST [BLEEP] IN MY CAR! 38 00:01:45,700 --> 00:01:48,070 >> Tosh: BAD OWNER. 39 00:01:48,067 --> 00:01:49,197 THAT DOG DID EVERYTHING BUT SAY 40 00:01:49,200 --> 00:01:51,930 PULL OVER. 41 00:01:51,933 --> 00:01:53,533 DON'T WORRY, THOSE CLOTH SEATS 42 00:01:53,533 --> 00:01:54,773 WILL SOAK THAT DIARRHEA RIGHT 43 00:01:54,767 --> 00:01:55,897 UP. 44 00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:58,400 WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL HER CAR 45 00:01:58,400 --> 00:01:59,870 ALREADY IS FILLED WITH GARBAGE. 46 00:01:59,867 --> 00:02:02,327 SO AWKWARD WHEN YOUR BEST FRIEND 47 00:02:02,333 --> 00:02:03,333 [BLEEP]S IN YOUR CAR. 48 00:02:03,333 --> 00:02:05,133 MY MANAGER CHRISTIE SMITH ONCE 49 00:02:05,133 --> 00:02:06,473 POOPED IN MY CAR. 50 00:02:06,467 --> 00:02:07,297 SHE'LL SAY SHE DIDN'T. 51 00:02:07,300 --> 00:02:09,300 SHE DID. 52 00:02:09,300 --> 00:02:10,070 ALL RIGHT. 53 00:02:10,067 --> 00:02:11,227 HERE'S HOW GAY COUPLES HAVE TO 54 00:02:11,233 --> 00:02:16,773 SNEAK AROUND IN RUSSIA. 55 00:02:16,767 --> 00:02:18,927 WHAT IS THIS AN OLD HONEYMOONERS 56 00:02:18,933 --> 00:02:24,573 EPISODE? 57 00:02:24,567 --> 00:02:26,067 NEVER USE YOUR SATIN SHEETS TO 58 00:02:26,067 --> 00:02:27,967 MAKE A GETAWAY ROPE. 59 00:02:27,967 --> 00:02:30,067 IT'S JUST TOO SLICK. 60 00:02:30,067 --> 00:02:32,127 YOU CAN CHEAT ON YOUR PARTNER 61 00:02:32,133 --> 00:02:35,873 BUT YOU CAN'T CHEAT ON GRAVITY. 62 00:02:35,867 --> 00:02:40,397 THAT'S WHY I OATH BANG MARRIED 63 00:02:40,400 --> 00:02:42,130 WOMEN WHO LIVE ON THE GROUND 64 00:02:42,133 --> 00:02:42,803 FLOOR. 65 00:02:42,800 --> 00:02:44,500 JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT CAR 66 00:02:44,500 --> 00:02:45,970 DEALERSHIPS COULDN'T GET MORE 67 00:02:45,967 --> 00:02:50,527 UNBEARABLE. 68 00:02:50,533 --> 00:02:52,403 NICE DANCE MOVES YOU LYING PIECE 69 00:02:52,400 --> 00:02:56,170 OF [BLEEP]. 70 00:02:56,167 --> 00:02:58,067 TALKED NOERJTS FAMILY OUT OF A 71 00:02:58,067 --> 00:02:59,167 FORD FUSION. 72 00:02:59,167 --> 00:03:01,067 MAKES YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE. 73 00:03:01,067 --> 00:03:02,767 DOING THE ROBOT SELLING ASIAN 74 00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:03,197 CAR. 75 00:03:03,200 --> 00:03:05,870 I SEE WHAT YOU DID THERE. 76 00:03:05,867 --> 00:03:07,827 YOU WANT TO SEE SOME GOOD 77 00:03:07,833 --> 00:03:12,073 DANCING, HEAD DOWN TO CERRITOS 78 00:03:12,067 --> 00:03:15,067 AUTO SQUARE AND FEET DANIEL 79 00:03:15,067 --> 00:03:28,697 TOSH'S CHRYSLER 300 DEALERSHIP. 80 00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:34,400 [LAUGHTER] 81 00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,830 >> Tosh: WE MAKE MOST OF OUR 82 00:03:36,833 --> 00:03:38,573 MONEY ON AFTERMARKET WINDOW 83 00:03:38,567 --> 00:03:39,127 TINTING. 84 00:03:39,133 --> 00:03:40,273 NOW ARE YOU READY FOR THE MOST 85 00:03:40,267 --> 00:03:41,267 EXCITING MOMENT IN FISHING 86 00:03:41,267 --> 00:03:43,897 HISTORY? 87 00:03:43,900 --> 00:03:45,630 I CAN'T HEAR YOU. 88 00:03:45,633 --> 00:03:46,233 [CHEERING] 89 00:03:46,233 --> 00:03:49,073 >> Tosh: SHUT UP, YOU'RE GONNA 90 00:03:49,067 --> 00:04:00,597 SCARE THE FISH! 91 00:04:00,600 --> 00:04:02,300 >> YOU SHOULDN'T TRY TO CATCH 92 00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:08,400 THINGS WITH SWORDS FOR NOSES. 93 00:04:08,400 --> 00:04:11,300 GUESS CAPTAIN PHILLIPS ISN'T AS 94 00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:13,070 BRAVE AS HOLLYWOOD WOULD HAVE 95 00:04:13,067 --> 00:04:13,797 YOU BELIEVE. 96 00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:15,230 TO BE FAIR THERE WASN'T ROOM 97 00:04:15,233 --> 00:04:18,073 ENOUGH IN THE BOAT FOR ALL FOUR. 98 00:04:18,067 --> 00:04:19,867 NOTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS WHEN 99 00:04:19,867 --> 00:04:24,067 GO HUNTING. 100 00:04:24,067 --> 00:04:26,527 [ SCREAMING ] 101 00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:28,073 >> Tosh: YOU AIN'T EVER GOING TO 102 00:04:28,067 --> 00:04:33,567 TAKE ME ALIVE, DEER. 103 00:04:33,567 --> 00:04:36,797 HOW THE HECK A BIG OLE DUCK BE 104 00:04:36,800 --> 00:04:37,270 THERE. 105 00:04:37,267 --> 00:04:40,697 BECAUSE IT'S A REINDEER AND 106 00:04:40,700 --> 00:04:41,630 REINDEERS CAN FLY. 107 00:04:41,633 --> 00:04:43,333 THAT'S RIGHT A CHRISTMAS JOKE A 108 00:04:43,333 --> 00:04:44,933 WEEK EARLIER THIS YEAR. 109 00:04:44,933 --> 00:04:46,203 GET USED TO IT. 110 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,670 ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S COMING UP 111 00:04:47,667 --> 00:05:06,797 NEXT? 112 00:05:06,800 --> 00:05:08,200 >> Tosh: IS THAT THOR COMING 113 00:05:08,200 --> 00:05:10,570 BACK TO THIS REALM? 114 00:05:10,567 --> 00:05:12,927 NOW LET'S WATCH THAT ADRENALINE 115 00:05:12,933 --> 00:05:14,573 JUNKIE OD IN THIS WEEK'S 116 00:05:14,567 --> 00:05:18,097 BREAKDOWN. 117 00:05:18,100 --> 00:05:20,430 I WOULD LOVE TO TRY BASE JUMPING 118 00:05:20,433 --> 00:05:22,233 BUT SINCE MY I.Q.'S OVER 50 I'M 119 00:05:22,233 --> 00:05:24,933 NOT ALLOWED, LEGALLY. 120 00:05:24,933 --> 00:05:35,633 WHEN YOU LIVE IN MORALON LAND 121 00:05:35,633 --> 00:05:36,933 YOU HAVE TO TAKE EXTREME 122 00:05:36,933 --> 00:05:37,403 MEASURES. 123 00:05:37,400 --> 00:05:39,170 LET'S GO TO THE CRASH SITE. 124 00:05:39,167 --> 00:05:42,067 >> WELL, THAT DIDN'T GO GOOD. 125 00:05:42,067 --> 00:05:43,067 >> Tosh: YOU MEAN THAT DIDN'T GO 126 00:05:43,067 --> 00:05:44,067 WELL. 127 00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:48,097 AT LEAST HE'S ALIVE. 128 00:05:48,100 --> 00:05:50,200 MIDDLE-AGED MEN SHOULD ONLY JUMP 129 00:05:50,200 --> 00:05:51,730 OFF A CLIFF WHEN HIS WIFE 130 00:05:51,733 --> 00:05:53,403 DISCOVERS HIS SECRET FAMILY. 131 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,400 >> SORRY, MOM. 132 00:05:56,400 --> 00:05:58,200 >> Tosh: SORRY, MOM? 133 00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:01,930 AS LONG AS YOU DIDN'T LAND IN 134 00:06:01,933 --> 00:06:05,173 HER HYDRANGEAS I BET SHE'S OVER 135 00:06:05,167 --> 00:06:05,627 IT. 136 00:06:05,633 --> 00:06:06,873 CRAZEIEST THING IS HIS MOM'S 137 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:07,597 STILL ALIVE. 138 00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:10,070 >> THINK I LOST MY LEG ON THAT 139 00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:10,667 ONE. 140 00:06:10,667 --> 00:06:12,067 >> Tosh: QUIT BEING DRAMATIC. 141 00:06:12,067 --> 00:06:15,767 HOW BAD CAN IT POSSIBLY BE? 142 00:06:15,767 --> 00:06:17,367 IS IS IT BAD? 143 00:06:17,367 --> 00:06:19,727 I CAN'T LOOK BASED ON YOUR 144 00:06:19,733 --> 00:06:22,303 REACTIONS I'M GUESSING HIS SHOE 145 00:06:22,300 --> 00:06:25,900 CAME UNTIED? 146 00:06:25,900 --> 00:06:27,870 TRY WIGGLING YOUR BONES. 147 00:06:27,867 --> 00:06:29,327 HE'LL NEVER BASE JUMP AGAIN OR 148 00:06:29,333 --> 00:06:31,673 REGULAR JUMP. 149 00:06:31,667 --> 00:06:33,627 LEAST NATURE DID ALL THE SAWING 150 00:06:33,633 --> 00:06:34,373 FOR YOU. 151 00:06:34,367 --> 00:06:36,597 NOW YOU CAN USE YOUR FOOT AS A 152 00:06:36,600 --> 00:06:37,130 SNACK. 153 00:06:37,133 --> 00:06:39,133 ROLL IT AROUND IN SOME CUMIN, 154 00:06:39,133 --> 00:06:41,233 THROW IT IN THE SMOKER. 155 00:06:41,233 --> 00:06:43,073 THAT'S GOOD EATING. 156 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:44,627 ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY CALM DOWN. 157 00:06:44,633 --> 00:06:45,873 THERE'S GOOD NEWS. 158 00:06:45,867 --> 00:06:48,867 HE DIDN'T LOSE HIS LEG. 159 00:06:48,867 --> 00:06:52,267 HE JUST HAD IT PATCHED UP IN 160 00:06:52,267 --> 00:06:54,227 THIS GUY'S WORK SHOP. 161 00:06:54,233 --> 00:06:57,773 I'M NOT DOCTOR BUT D-ROSE WOULD 162 00:06:57,767 --> 00:06:59,727 TELL TO YOU STAY OFF IT A COUPLE 163 00:06:59,733 --> 00:07:02,133 DAYS AND FOR THAT WE THANK YOU. 164 00:07:02,133 --> 00:07:07,303 FIRST IT'S MY FAVORITE GAMBLING 165 00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:10,400 ONLINE EXPERT EAT DAT [BLEEP] 166 00:07:10,400 --> 00:07:10,870 445. 167 00:07:10,867 --> 00:07:15,097 >> WHAT'S GOING ON, HOMEY. 168 00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:17,400 JAYS AN CARDINALS. 169 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:20,170 WHOO [BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP] 170 00:07:20,167 --> 00:07:24,827 THIS GAME. 171 00:07:24,833 --> 00:07:27,233 >> IN THIS VIDEO YOU HAVE A 172 00:07:27,233 --> 00:07:29,733 STRANGER, A RAPIST COME INTO THE 173 00:07:29,733 --> 00:07:30,273 DOOR. 174 00:07:30,267 --> 00:07:32,067 A YOUNG WIFE SAT HOME BY 175 00:07:32,067 --> 00:07:34,927 HERSELF. 176 00:07:34,933 --> 00:07:36,773 AND THE RAPIST KNOWS SHE'S AT 177 00:07:36,767 --> 00:07:37,697 HOME BY HERSELF. 178 00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:39,870 THE YOUNG LADY TELLS THE MAN 179 00:07:39,867 --> 00:07:42,567 THAT HER HUSBAND IS GONE BUT HER 180 00:07:42,567 --> 00:07:45,927 BROTHER IS INSIDE. 181 00:07:45,933 --> 00:07:49,673 SHE GOES AND SHE PRESSES THE 182 00:07:49,667 --> 00:07:54,497 SECURITY OFFICER JAY -- AND THE 183 00:07:54,500 --> 00:07:55,930 RAPIST THINKS ANOTHER MALE 184 00:07:55,933 --> 00:07:59,803 FIGURE IS IN THE HOUSE AND HE 185 00:07:59,800 --> 00:08:01,400 RETREATS AS SOON AS HE HEARS 186 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:02,600 ANOTHER MALE'S VOICE. 187 00:08:02,600 --> 00:08:03,930 THIS MAY HAVE SAVED HER LIFE. 188 00:08:03,933 --> 00:08:07,103 >> Tosh: THE HARDEST PART OF 189 00:08:07,100 --> 00:08:08,370 KEEPING YOUR HOME SAFE IS 190 00:08:08,367 --> 00:08:09,267 FINDING A BOOMBOX. 191 00:08:09,267 --> 00:08:11,167 THE WRITER, DIRECTOR AND STAR OF 192 00:08:11,167 --> 00:08:14,567 THE INFOE MERCIAL IS SECURITY 193 00:08:14,567 --> 00:08:18,267 JAY AND HE CREATED THE GREATEST 194 00:08:18,267 --> 00:08:21,567 CRIME PREVENTION DEVICE. 195 00:08:21,567 --> 00:08:24,397 HIS DETERRENT WOULD BE NUMBER 196 00:08:24,400 --> 00:08:26,130 ONE IN THE URBAN SECURITY 197 00:08:26,133 --> 00:08:26,533 CHARTS. 198 00:08:26,533 --> 00:08:28,133 HOW COME THEY NEVER MAKE THE 199 00:08:28,133 --> 00:08:29,133 INTRUDERS FEMALE. 200 00:08:29,133 --> 00:08:30,203 THAT'S JUST SEXIST. 201 00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,570 THE FIRST THING THEY TEACH IN 202 00:08:31,567 --> 00:08:32,927 CRIMINAL SCHOOL IS EVERYONE WITH 203 00:08:32,933 --> 00:08:34,503 A TINY SECURITY SIGN STUCK ON 204 00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:36,200 THEIR FRONT LAWN IS LYING. 205 00:08:36,200 --> 00:08:37,570 YOU WANT THE BEST SECURITY 206 00:08:37,567 --> 00:08:38,827 SYSTEM LOAD A GUN. 207 00:08:38,833 --> 00:08:41,133 THEY'RE SAFE, EASY TO USE AND 208 00:08:41,133 --> 00:08:42,873 THEY ADD AN INTERESTING LITTLE 209 00:08:42,867 --> 00:08:47,067 WHAT-IF SCENARIO TO ALL YOUR 210 00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:50,967 LATE-NIGHT DOMESTIC SQUABBLES. 211 00:08:50,967 --> 00:08:54,067 THE EASIEST PLACE TO BREAK INTO 212 00:08:54,067 --> 00:08:55,867 IS A TREE HOUSE. 213 00:08:55,867 --> 00:08:58,597 IF YOU REALLY WANT TO BE SAFE 214 00:08:58,600 --> 00:09:01,070 DON'T LIVE IN A NEIGHBORHOOD 215 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,967 WHERE OVERZEALOUS VOLUNTEERS 216 00:09:02,967 --> 00:09:04,297 TAKE MATTERS INTO THEIR OWN 217 00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:04,870 HANDS. 218 00:09:04,867 --> 00:09:06,227 ZIMMERMAN. 219 00:09:06,233 --> 00:09:12,433 THE SCARIEST HOME INVASION WILL 220 00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:13,533 BE WHEN YOUR GIRLFRIEND TRIES TO 221 00:09:13,533 --> 00:09:14,303 MOVE IN. 222 00:09:14,300 --> 00:09:15,970 HE KNOWS WHAT THE REPUBLICANS 223 00:09:15,967 --> 00:09:18,727 PROVED WHEN THEY CHOREOGRAPHED 224 00:09:18,733 --> 00:09:19,273 9-11. 225 00:09:19,267 --> 00:09:20,567 FEAR IS GOOD FOR BUSINESS THAT'S 226 00:09:20,567 --> 00:09:24,227 WHERE I FLEW HIM TO LAX FOR THIS 227 00:09:24,233 --> 00:09:28,073 WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 228 00:09:28,067 --> 00:09:29,127 >> WHO'S OUT THERE? 229 00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:30,403 >> Tosh: ME, DANIEL. 230 00:09:30,400 --> 00:09:31,600 >> YOU'RE A RAPIST. 231 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:32,730 >> Tosh: I'M NOT A RAPIST. 232 00:09:32,733 --> 00:09:34,203 >> YOU'RE A RAPIST. 233 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,970 >> Tosh: I'M NOT A RAPIST. 234 00:09:35,967 --> 00:09:36,697 IS JAY HERE. 235 00:09:36,700 --> 00:09:43,300 >> COME ON IN. 236 00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:46,530 COME ON. 237 00:09:46,533 --> 00:09:49,273 >> Tosh: OH. 238 00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:51,727 >> HAND IT OVER. 239 00:09:51,733 --> 00:09:52,573 >> Tosh: OH. 240 00:09:52,567 --> 00:09:54,067 YOU ALWAYS CARRY ONE OF THESE 241 00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,497 WHEN I GO TO ATLANTA. 242 00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:59,700 WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME? 243 00:09:59,700 --> 00:10:04,670 >> OUT. 244 00:10:04,667 --> 00:10:06,127 >> Tosh: JAY, NICE TO MEET YOU. 245 00:10:06,133 --> 00:10:11,973 >> HOW YOU DOING, TOSH. 246 00:10:11,967 --> 00:10:17,997 NIC TO MEET YOU TOO? 247 00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,700 >> Tosh: AREN'T YOU GOING 248 00:10:20,700 --> 00:10:21,370 OVERBOARD? 249 00:10:21,367 --> 00:10:22,327 >> CAN'T BE TOO SAFE. 250 00:10:22,333 --> 00:10:24,003 >> Tosh: IS THERE CRIME IN 251 00:10:24,000 --> 00:10:24,630 ATLANTA? 252 00:10:24,633 --> 00:10:25,203 >> YES. 253 00:10:25,200 --> 00:10:26,700 >> Tosh: ARE THERE ARE POLICE? 254 00:10:26,700 --> 00:10:28,830 >> THE ONES THAT STILL ARE 255 00:10:28,833 --> 00:10:29,203 ALIVE. 256 00:10:29,200 --> 00:10:30,400 >> Tosh: ARE YOU AN OFFICER? 257 00:10:30,400 --> 00:10:32,100 >> A SECURITY OFFICER. 258 00:10:32,100 --> 00:10:33,500 >> Tosh: SO SECURITY'S YOUR 259 00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:33,970 BUSINESS? 260 00:10:33,967 --> 00:10:34,927 >> I TAKE SERIOUSLY. 261 00:10:34,933 --> 00:10:36,233 >> Tosh: WHAT MADE YOU CREATE 262 00:10:36,233 --> 00:10:37,173 THE VIDEO? 263 00:10:37,167 --> 00:10:39,327 >> IT STARTED WITH ME NEEDING 264 00:10:39,333 --> 00:10:41,073 SOME KIND OF SOUND EFFECT IN MY 265 00:10:41,067 --> 00:10:43,667 HOUSE SO I COULD DETER BURGLARS 266 00:10:43,667 --> 00:10:44,597 AN THUGS AND THIEVES FROM 267 00:10:44,600 --> 00:10:45,670 BREAKING IN. 268 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,127 I HAD A NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE 269 00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,533 EVERYBODY BROKE INTO MY HOME AND 270 00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:50,333 A HAD STUDIO EQUIPMENT SO I 271 00:10:50,333 --> 00:10:52,203 ENDED UP GETTING MY STUDIO 272 00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:54,600 EQUIPMENT TOGETHER AND MAKING 273 00:10:54,600 --> 00:10:56,070 DOG SOUNDS. 274 00:10:56,067 --> 00:10:58,097 >> Tosh: THAT WAS YOU NOT A REAL 275 00:10:58,100 --> 00:10:58,570 DOG. 276 00:10:58,567 --> 00:11:00,067 >> NOT A REAL DOG, IT WAS ME. 277 00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:02,797 >> Tosh: WHO MAKES A BETTER DOG 278 00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:07,230 NOISE, YOU, DMX OR MICHAEL 279 00:11:07,233 --> 00:11:07,773 WINSLOW. 280 00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:10,067 >> I WOULD GIVE IT TO ME BECAUSE 281 00:11:10,067 --> 00:11:12,497 I COULD BE THE BIGGEST OR 282 00:11:12,500 --> 00:11:13,670 LIGHTEST VOICE 283 00:11:13,667 --> 00:11:15,067 I KIND POODLE. 284 00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:16,667 >> Tosh: DOES THE CD WORK? 285 00:11:16,667 --> 00:11:19,627 >> MY SON SAID HIS FRIENDS 286 00:11:19,633 --> 00:11:20,903 THOUGHT THEY THOUGHT THE DOOR 287 00:11:20,900 --> 00:11:23,070 WAS CRACKED OR SOMETHING AND ONE 288 00:11:23,067 --> 00:11:24,827 DAY I DECIDED MAYBE I CAN HELP 289 00:11:24,833 --> 00:11:26,373 OTHER PEOPLE WHO CAN'T AFFORD A 290 00:11:26,367 --> 00:11:27,067 DOG. 291 00:11:27,067 --> 00:11:31,767 >> Tosh: A DOG'S A LOT OF 292 00:11:31,767 --> 00:11:32,267 RESPONSIBILITY. 293 00:11:32,267 --> 00:11:37,227 >> YOU HAVE TO CLEAN THEM 294 00:11:37,233 --> 00:11:38,473 >> Tosh: THOUGH YOU THEY GIVE 295 00:11:38,467 --> 00:11:39,367 YOU LOVE. 296 00:11:39,367 --> 00:11:40,827 HOW MUCH DOES IT COST TO 297 00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:41,433 PRODUCE? 298 00:11:41,433 --> 00:11:43,703 >> ABOUT FOUR DOLLARS A CD. 299 00:11:43,700 --> 00:11:45,070 >> Tosh: I THOUGHT FOUR DOLLARS 300 00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:46,667 THE WHOLE PRODUCTION VALUE. 301 00:11:46,667 --> 00:11:47,267 >> NO. 302 00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:48,597 >> Tosh: HOW MANY UNITS HAVE YOU 303 00:11:48,600 --> 00:11:49,170 SOLD. 304 00:11:49,167 --> 00:11:50,427 >> I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS HOW 305 00:11:50,433 --> 00:11:52,503 MANY UNITS I'VE SOLD. 306 00:11:52,500 --> 00:11:54,630 >> Tosh: HAS IT GONE PLATINUM. 307 00:11:54,633 --> 00:11:56,373 >> NO, NOT YET. 308 00:11:56,367 --> 00:11:57,497 >> Tosh: ARE YOU LIKE EDDIE 309 00:11:57,500 --> 00:11:58,670 MURPHY IN THE BOOTH DOING ALL 310 00:11:58,667 --> 00:12:00,697 THE VOICES OF OTHER GUYS OR ARE 311 00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:01,530 OTHER ACTORS. 312 00:12:01,533 --> 00:12:04,603 >> I'M DOING ALL THE VOICES. 313 00:12:04,600 --> 00:12:06,430 >> GET EM, JAY. 314 00:12:06,433 --> 00:12:07,773 >> Tosh: WHO'S YOUR DREAM 315 00:12:07,767 --> 00:12:08,667 CELEBRITY CAMEO? 316 00:12:08,667 --> 00:12:11,197 >> RUSSEL SIMMONS OR DONALD 317 00:12:11,200 --> 00:12:11,870 TRUMP. 318 00:12:11,867 --> 00:12:13,497 >> Tosh: I'D GO MORGAN FREEMAN. 319 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,230 >> OKAY. 320 00:12:14,233 --> 00:12:15,333 >> Tosh: CAN YOU IMAGINE HIS 321 00:12:15,333 --> 00:12:16,903 VOICE THOUGH PEOPLE MAY NOT WANT 322 00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:18,730 TO LEAVE LIKE MORGAN FREEMAN'S 323 00:12:18,733 --> 00:12:20,303 IN THIS APARTMENT I NEED TO GET 324 00:12:20,300 --> 00:12:21,870 IN THERE AND HELP HIM. 325 00:12:21,867 --> 00:12:23,127 THAT COULD A PROBLEM. 326 00:12:23,133 --> 00:12:24,533 WHAT'S THE BACKUP PLAN IF THE CD 327 00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:25,533 HAPPENS TO SKIP? 328 00:12:25,533 --> 00:12:27,973 >> THE CUSTOMER THAT PURCHASED 329 00:12:27,967 --> 00:12:28,827 THE PRODUCT WOULD HAVE TO 330 00:12:28,833 --> 00:12:30,133 PURCHASE A NEW CD. 331 00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:31,703 >> Tosh: IN THAT MOMENT THEY'D 332 00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:33,830 HAVE TO GO OUT AND PURCHASE A 333 00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:35,703 NEW CD? 334 00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:37,400 HAVE YOU EVER DONE PERSONAL 335 00:12:37,400 --> 00:12:38,500 SECURITY? 336 00:12:38,500 --> 00:12:40,930 >> I DO MY BEST TO DO WHAT A CAN 337 00:12:40,933 --> 00:12:43,903 AND MAKE EVERYONE FEEL SECURE. 338 00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:50,130 >> Tosh: YOU'RE LIKE LIAM. 339 00:12:50,133 --> 00:12:54,933 >> HOPEFULLY THE KNIFE'S IN THE 340 00:12:54,933 --> 00:12:57,733 POCKET AND NOT IN THE FRONT. 341 00:12:57,733 --> 00:12:59,373 >> Tosh: YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO 342 00:12:59,367 --> 00:13:00,427 CUT HIMSELF. 343 00:13:00,433 --> 00:13:01,373 THAT'S YOUR SIGN? 344 00:13:01,367 --> 00:13:06,767 >> BREAK-INS, SECURITY OFFICER 345 00:13:06,767 --> 00:13:07,527 JAC.COM RAPE. 346 00:13:07,533 --> 00:13:10,473 FOR BREAK-INS AN RAPES HELPING 347 00:13:10,467 --> 00:13:11,567 WON AND CHILDREN. 348 00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:12,297 >> Tosh: HELPS SOME MEN. 349 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:13,870 >> SOME MEN GET RAPED SOMETIMES. 350 00:13:13,867 --> 00:13:15,697 >> Tosh: WE DON'T QUANTITY TO 351 00:13:15,700 --> 00:13:16,400 TALK IT. 352 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:21,100 >> BUT I'M NOT GOING UP IN NO 353 00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:23,070 PEN TO HELP SOMEONE. 354 00:13:23,067 --> 00:13:24,527 >> Tosh: I HAVE ONE WORD FOR 355 00:13:24,533 --> 00:13:25,473 YOU. 356 00:13:25,467 --> 00:13:27,067 >> WHAT YOU GOT? 357 00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:29,767 >> Tosh: APPS. 358 00:13:29,767 --> 00:13:31,627 WE HAVE SECURITY OVER J-A-Y AT 359 00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:34,803 YOUR FINISH TIPS AND I'M GOING 360 00:13:34,800 --> 00:13:37,900 TO TAKE 98 CENTS PER APP YOU 361 00:13:37,900 --> 00:13:38,400 SELL. 362 00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:41,200 >> THE APP THAT KEEPS YOU SAFE 363 00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,100 FROM MORE CRIME. 364 00:13:42,100 --> 00:13:43,430 RELIGION IS A PERSONAL CHOICE 365 00:13:43,433 --> 00:13:44,903 AND WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR DOOR 366 00:13:44,900 --> 00:13:46,170 TELL IT TO GO TO HELL. 367 00:13:46,167 --> 00:13:48,727 >> QUIET OUT THERE WE'RE A BUNCH 368 00:13:48,733 --> 00:13:51,173 OF JEHOVA WITNESSES TRYING TO 369 00:13:51,167 --> 00:13:51,697 PRAY. 370 00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:53,470 DON'T COME BACK LATER. 371 00:13:53,467 --> 00:13:56,297 WE'LL BE PRAYING THEN TOO. 372 00:13:56,300 --> 00:13:58,970 >> WHY KEEP THE SETTINGS WHEN HE 373 00:13:58,967 --> 00:14:00,197 CAN TUNE IT FOR YOU. 374 00:14:00,200 --> 00:14:02,230 >> THE $40 MILLION TRANSACTION 375 00:14:02,233 --> 00:14:04,333 WENT THROUGH. 376 00:14:04,333 --> 00:14:06,133 >> AND IF YOU WORK FROM HOME THE 377 00:14:06,133 --> 00:14:08,073 LAST THING YOU NEED ARE 378 00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:08,597 DISTRACTIONS. 379 00:14:08,600 --> 00:14:10,600 >> POLICE, OPEN THE DOOR. 380 00:14:10,600 --> 00:14:11,870 >> GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL 381 00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:12,697 IN HERE, FELLAS. 382 00:14:12,700 --> 00:14:14,070 SEE YOU BACK AT THE STATION. 383 00:14:14,067 --> 00:14:15,927 >> AND REMEMBER, NEVER GET HIGH 384 00:14:15,933 --> 00:14:17,703 ON YOUR OWN SUPPLY. 385 00:14:17,700 --> 00:14:21,230 NEED MORE PRIVACY WHILE TUGGING 386 00:14:21,233 --> 00:14:25,633 ON YOUR MEAT THIMBLE. 387 00:14:25,633 --> 00:14:28,673 >> WHAT ARE YOU DOING? 388 00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:31,767 >> OKAY, I'M A MATH TUTOR. 389 00:14:31,767 --> 00:14:33,767 CARRY THE NUMBER AND SUB TRACT 390 00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:34,497 BY FIVE. 391 00:14:34,500 --> 00:14:36,070 >> SORRY TO INTERRUPT. 392 00:14:36,067 --> 00:14:37,827 >> WHAT ABOUT THE FRIENDLY 393 00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:40,933 NEIGHBOR THAT WANTS TO COME 394 00:14:40,933 --> 00:14:41,433 OVER. 395 00:14:41,433 --> 00:14:44,773 >> THERE AIN'T NO KIDS IN HERE 396 00:14:44,767 --> 00:14:46,767 JUST SOME LOOSE OLD SENIOR 397 00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:47,367 CITIZENS. 398 00:14:47,367 --> 00:14:48,897 >> MOVE TO THAILAND, BUDDY. 399 00:14:48,900 --> 00:14:51,070 ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE THREE MORE 400 00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:52,167 COPIES OF THE APP HAS IT WILL 401 00:14:52,167 --> 00:14:54,397 TAKE UP SPACE ON YOUR PHONE OR 402 00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,500 NEVER BEFORE SEEN EMOTICONS AND 403 00:14:57,500 --> 00:15:00,500 A CAREER SUBSCRIPTION TO EBONY 404 00:15:00,500 --> 00:15:03,600 MAGAZINE AND BOOTS AND ONE, TWO, 405 00:15:03,600 --> 00:15:05,830 THREE AND SIX OF MR. BELVEDERE 406 00:15:05,833 --> 00:15:10,173 AND AN UNNEUTERED PIT BULL. 407 00:15:10,167 --> 00:15:12,267 VOID WHERE PROHIBITED WHICH IS 408 00:15:12,267 --> 00:15:13,097 EVERYWHERE. 409 00:15:13,100 --> 00:15:14,430 >> Tosh: HE WORKS IN MY OFFICE 410 00:15:14,433 --> 00:15:16,703 AND HE'S NOT A PEDOPHILE BUT A 411 00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:19,330 METHOD ACTOR. 412 00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:21,403 FIRST, BOSS, I APPRECIATE THE 413 00:15:21,400 --> 00:15:22,930 SECOND CHANCE AFTER THE CRANE 414 00:15:22,933 --> 00:15:25,373 AND TIRE FIASCO BUT I THINK 415 00:15:25,367 --> 00:15:27,167 OUGHT TO KNOW YOUR WIFE'S CAR 416 00:15:27,167 --> 00:15:28,367 MIGHT BE SLIGHTLY SCRATCHED. 417 00:15:28,367 --> 00:15:31,067 >> HERE WE GO, COME ON, OVER. 418 00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:31,897 OH, OH, OH. 419 00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:37,300 UP AND OVER. 420 00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:38,870 WE'RE OUT. 421 00:15:38,867 --> 00:15:40,697 UH-OH. 422 00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:51,070 [BLEEP] 423 00:15:51,067 --> 00:15:53,827 >> THIS WEEK'S TEST GROUP IS THE 424 00:15:53,833 --> 00:15:55,073 WOLFERINGS AN AUSSIE FOOTBALL 425 00:15:55,067 --> 00:15:56,427 TEAM THAT'S TAKING BALL SKILLS 426 00:15:56,433 --> 00:16:00,203 TO A NEW LEVEL BY TACKLING 427 00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,200 TESTICULAR CANCER FOR AGAINST. 428 00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:03,400 THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS. 429 00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:06,170 ARE YOU ALL READY? 430 00:16:06,167 --> 00:16:07,297 THIS IS THE BIG MOMENT. 431 00:16:07,300 --> 00:16:08,900 TOWELS OFF, PLEASE. 432 00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:09,630 [LAUGHTER] 433 00:16:09,633 --> 00:16:11,073 >> Tosh: GROW UP. 434 00:16:11,067 --> 00:16:12,827 WE TAKE SOME THINGS SERIOUSLY 435 00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,673 AROUND HERE AND TESTICLES TEND 436 00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,267 TO BE HIGH ON MY LIST. 437 00:16:17,267 --> 00:16:19,697 BALL SACKS ARE LIKE WRINKABLY 438 00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:20,870 SNOWFLAKES EACH ONE IS UNIQUE 439 00:16:20,867 --> 00:16:23,967 AND THEY'RE FUN TO PUT ON YOUR 440 00:16:23,967 --> 00:16:25,397 TONGUE BUT IT'S ALSO IMPORTANT 441 00:16:25,400 --> 00:16:28,570 TO CHECK EMFOR LUMPS. 442 00:16:28,567 --> 00:16:30,597 >> EXAMINING YOUR TESTICLES IS 443 00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:31,130 EASY. 444 00:16:31,133 --> 00:16:32,073 LOOK FOR ANYTHING THAT WASN'T 445 00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:33,627 THERE THE LAST TIME. 446 00:16:33,633 --> 00:16:34,873 >> Tosh: QUESTION, WHEN DO WE 447 00:16:34,867 --> 00:16:36,897 GET TO JERK OFF? 448 00:16:36,900 --> 00:16:38,830 >> MAYBE USING A MIRROR IF YOU 449 00:16:38,833 --> 00:16:41,503 NEED TO SEE THEM MORE CLEARLY. 450 00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:43,770 LOOK HOW THEY HANG, ANY SWELLING 451 00:16:43,767 --> 00:16:46,527 OR LUMPS OR BUMPS? 452 00:16:46,533 --> 00:16:48,733 >> Tosh: MIRROR, MIRROR ON MY 453 00:16:48,733 --> 00:16:49,933 BALLS WHO'S THE SMOOTHEST OF 454 00:16:49,933 --> 00:16:50,833 THEM ALL. 455 00:16:50,833 --> 00:16:53,073 YOU ARE, DANIEL. 456 00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,527 >> HOW DO THEY HANG? 457 00:16:54,533 --> 00:16:58,073 DOES ONE HANG LOWER THAN THE 458 00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:59,067 OTHER? 459 00:16:59,067 --> 00:17:00,897 ACTUALLY, MOSTLY IT'S NORMAL. 460 00:17:00,900 --> 00:17:02,530 >> Tosh: I'M GLAD HE SAID IT'S 461 00:17:02,533 --> 00:17:04,773 NORMAL FOR YOUR BALLS TO HANG 462 00:17:04,767 --> 00:17:06,267 DIFFERENTLY BECAUSE ONE OF MINE 463 00:17:06,267 --> 00:17:07,427 STARTING REACHING FOR A SHOE 464 00:17:07,433 --> 00:17:08,373 THIS MORNING. 465 00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:11,327 >> WAY THUMB AND TWO FINGERS 466 00:17:11,333 --> 00:17:14,103 HOLD THE SKIN OF THE SCROTUM AND 467 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:16,870 LET IT SLIDE THROUGH LIKE A 468 00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:19,067 PEELED BOIL EGG IN A BAG OF 469 00:17:19,067 --> 00:17:19,667 FLUID. 470 00:17:19,667 --> 00:17:21,067 >> Tosh: PEELED BOILED EGG IN A 471 00:17:21,067 --> 00:17:22,567 BAG OF FLUID? 472 00:17:22,567 --> 00:17:25,167 ARE WE SURE HE'S A DOCTOR? 473 00:17:25,167 --> 00:17:29,067 MAYBE HE'S THE GUY THAT TAPES 474 00:17:29,067 --> 00:17:31,327 THE ANKLES. 475 00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:34,433 CANNER IS NO JOKE. 476 00:17:34,433 --> 00:17:39,433 THAT'S WHERE EACH NOVEMBER MEN 477 00:17:39,433 --> 00:17:43,433 GROW MUSTACHES. 478 00:17:43,433 --> 00:17:45,733 I'M SORRY YOUR CANCER IS EATING 479 00:17:45,733 --> 00:17:47,873 YOU FROM THE INSIDE OUT. 480 00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:51,167 I'LL GROW A MUSTACHE. 481 00:17:51,167 --> 00:17:53,497 I TOOK MOVEMBER AND TOOK IT 482 00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:54,070 DOWNTOWN. 483 00:17:54,067 --> 00:17:56,627 I'M RAISING AWARENESS BY GROWING 484 00:17:56,633 --> 00:17:59,073 A'STACHE IN MY PANTS. 485 00:17:59,067 --> 00:18:02,067 NOT JUST ANY'STACHE I TURNED MY 486 00:18:02,067 --> 00:18:07,397 SACK INTO THE HULKAMANIA. 487 00:18:07,400 --> 00:18:08,070 BEHOLD. 488 00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:10,067 LOOK AT THAT FIVE AND A HALF 489 00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:11,667 INCH PYTHON. 490 00:18:11,667 --> 00:18:14,067 WHY'S IT BLOND? 491 00:18:14,067 --> 00:18:16,197 I WAS ALREADY BLEACHING DOWN 492 00:18:16,200 --> 00:18:16,730 THERE. 493 00:18:16,733 --> 00:18:18,303 WHY NOT, BUBBA. 494 00:18:18,300 --> 00:18:21,070 GETTING YOURSELF A GOOD OLD 495 00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:23,067 GANDER ON? 496 00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,497 DRINK IT IN. 497 00:18:25,500 --> 00:18:27,730 IT'S TIME FOR OUR VIEWER VINE OF 498 00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:29,903 THE WEEK. 499 00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:34,100 >> JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. 500 00:18:34,100 --> 00:18:39,530 JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL. 501 00:18:39,533 --> 00:18:40,633 >> Tosh: REAL SAFE. 502 00:18:40,633 --> 00:18:45,473 HIS BLOOD IS PURE RED WINE. 503 00:18:45,467 --> 00:18:47,397 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK BUT FIRST 504 00:18:47,400 --> 00:18:48,930 THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN 505 00:18:48,933 --> 00:18:51,073 BEING A FREE SPIRIT AND EATING 506 00:18:51,067 --> 00:18:58,397 PIGEONS OVER AN OVERPASS. 507 00:18:58,400 --> 00:18:59,570 >> Tosh: WELCOME BACK. 508 00:18:59,567 --> 00:19:01,927 YES, I SMOKE CRACK. 509 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:03,673 ALL I CAN DO IS APOLOGIZE AND 510 00:19:03,667 --> 00:19:04,597 MOVE ON. 511 00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:06,600 NEXT WEEK ON THE SHOW, I REDEEM 512 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,300 THE LORD OF THE FRIEND ZONE. 513 00:19:08,300 --> 00:19:09,730 >> HEY, THERE, KATIE. 514 00:19:09,733 --> 00:19:14,203 IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY. 515 00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:14,770 >> YAY. 516 00:19:14,767 --> 00:19:16,067 MAYBE WAS THE SILLY VOICE. 517 00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:18,767 EITHER WAY I KNEW IT WAS THE 518 00:19:18,767 --> 00:19:21,467 BEGINNING OF OUR AWESOME 519 00:19:21,467 --> 00:19:22,097 FRIENDSHIP. 520 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:22,900 >> OR MAYBE MORE? 521 00:19:22,900 --> 00:19:25,570 >> PLEASE, SIR, I WANT SOME 522 00:19:25,567 --> 00:19:26,067 MORE. 523 00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:26,697 >> YAY. 524 00:19:26,700 --> 00:19:27,700 >> Tosh: THAT KATIE IS A LUCKY 525 00:19:27,700 --> 00:19:28,700 GUY. 526 00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:30,670 FOLLOW ME ON THE PUBLICLY TRADED 527 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:32,067 COMPANY KNOWN AS TWITTER. 528 00:19:32,067 --> 00:19:34,667 KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG WHICH 529 00:19:34,667 --> 00:19:36,727 RECENTLY WAS RAILED NUMBER SIX 530 00:19:36,733 --> 00:19:37,403 WORLDWIDE. 531 00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:39,600 DID YOU KNOW I DO STANDUP 532 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:40,200 COMEDY. 533 00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:40,970 CHECK IT OUT SOMETIME I'M 534 00:19:40,967 --> 00:19:42,727 GETTING BETTER AND BRICKLEBERRY. 535 00:19:42,733 --> 00:19:44,073 FINALLY, HAVE YOU SEEN THE 536 00:19:44,067 --> 00:19:44,297 PURGE? 537 00:19:44,300 --> 00:19:45,930 IT'S A MOVIE THAT HAD A GREAT 538 00:19:45,933 --> 00:19:48,233 CONCEPT BUT TERRIBLE EXECUTION. 539 00:19:48,233 --> 00:19:49,933 DOES STAR ETHAN HAWKE WHO IS 540 00:19:49,933 --> 00:19:50,933 ALWAYS DELIGHTFUL. 541 00:19:50,933 --> 00:19:52,833 FOR ONE DAY A YEAR ALL CRIME 542 00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:55,433 LEGAL FOR 12 HOURS INCLUDING 543 00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:56,873 MURDER YET ODDLY NO SEX CRIMES 544 00:19:56,867 --> 00:19:58,327 ARE COMMITTED. 545 00:19:58,333 --> 00:20:01,033 YOU SEE THE NEW FOUNDING FATHERS 546 00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:02,973 THOUGHT IN WAS WAY TO GET THE 547 00:20:02,967 --> 00:20:05,197 VIOLENCE OUT OF OUR SYSTEM IT 548 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:07,200 WOULD GET RID OF CRIME AND 549 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:08,370 REDUCE POVERTY. 550 00:20:08,367 --> 00:20:09,697 THAT'S THE FORWARD THINKING I 551 00:20:09,700 --> 00:20:12,370 CAN GET BEHIND AND ONE A SEASON 552 00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:14,697 I'VE INSTITUTED A 12-SECOND 553 00:20:14,700 --> 00:20:16,570 PURGE IN OUR OFFICE. 554 00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:17,767 >> I SEE YOU ALL SUPPORT THE 555 00:20:17,767 --> 00:20:20,027 PURGE. 556 00:20:20,033 --> 00:20:22,373 EVERYONE NOTICED YOU PUT UP A 557 00:20:22,367 --> 00:20:23,827 NEW CHANDELIER IN YOUR OFFICE. 558 00:20:23,833 --> 00:20:25,673 >> HAD A GOOD YEAR. 559 00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:28,267 REMEMBER, TODAY ALLOWS PEOPLE A 560 00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:29,567 RELIEF OF EVERYTHING THEY'VE HAD 561 00:20:29,567 --> 00:20:30,227 PENT UP INSIDE THEM. 562 00:20:30,233 --> 00:20:31,903 >> OH, LOOK AT THE TIME. 563 00:20:31,900 --> 00:20:34,070 THE PURGE STARTS IN FIVE 564 00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:34,627 SECONDS. 565 00:20:34,633 --> 00:20:40,333 >> IT SNUCK UP ON ME. 566 00:20:40,333 --> 00:20:43,303 >> NO, NO, NO! 567 00:20:43,300 --> 00:20:47,570 >> RELEASE THE BEASTS. 568 00:20:47,567 --> 00:20:49,097 >> Tosh: GOD, BLESS OUR NEW 569 00:20:49,100 --> 00:21:00,870 FOUNDING FATHERS. 570 00:21:00,867 --> 00:21:02,167 TURN THE LIGHTS ON AND GO BACK 571 00:21:02,167 --> 00:21:03,067 TO WORK. 572 00:21:03,067 --> 00:21:04,897 WITH ALL THAT PUKING, YOU'D 573 00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:08,070 THINK THEY'D BE A LOT SKINNIER. 574 00:21:08,067 --> 00:21:08,627 GOOD NIGHT. 575 00:21:16,500 --> 00:21:16,770 >> 576 00:21:16,767 --> 00:21:17,897 >> DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE HOME 577 00:21:17,900 --> 00:21:18,330 ALONE? 578 00:21:18,333 --> 00:21:19,903 >> YES I DID. 579 00:21:19,900 --> 00:21:22,430 >> Tosh: DID YOU THINK HE DID A 580 00:21:22,433 --> 00:21:24,803 GOOD JOB OF SECURING HIS HOME? 581 00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:26,700 >> I THINK HE DID FOR A YOUNG 36286

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