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>> TOSH.0 HAS VIDEOS FROM THE
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INTERNET.
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COMEDY CENTRAL DISCOURAGING
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ANYBODY FROM ENJOYING THEM.
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ENJOY!
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>> TEA BAG MOMMY.
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>> GOOD BOY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> ALRIGHT, NOW GO, DONKEY,
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PUNCH YOUR SISTER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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DUE TO AFFIRMATIVE ACTION,
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HOWARD UNIVERSITY IS GETTING
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REPPED TONIGHT.
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AMERICA'S NUMBER 1 STEP TEAM
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FIVE YEARS RUNNING!
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SUCK IT, HILLMAN.
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HUUUUT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THAT'S ALL THE STEPPING I KNOW.
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TONIGHT THE GUY WHO SHOT HIMSELF
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GETS A WEB REDEMPTION.
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WE CELEBRATE JESUS' FAVORITE
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FOOTBALL PLAYER.
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AND I SHOW YOU WHAT'S BEEN
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GETTING ME HARD LATELY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALRIGHT, IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO SEE
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A CHILD DO WHAT HE'S TOLD.
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>> TEA BAG MOMMY.
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>> SEE, USUALLY WHEN YOUR BALLS
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DROP, IT'S NOT ON YOUR MOM'S
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FACE.
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IT'S NEVER TOO EARLY TO
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INTRODUCE YOUR KIDS TO INCESTUAL
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PEDOPHILIA.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I FOR ONE THINK HAVING A BABY'S
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BALLS ON YOUR FOREHEAD MIGHT
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FEEL KIND OF REFRESHING.
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[LAUGHTER]
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BUT NOT AS REFRESHING AS MY
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DELICIOUS RECIPE FOR HOME-BREWED
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SUN TEA.
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[LAUGHTER]
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MADE FROM THE SWEATIEST STUFF ON
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EARTH.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THE CRAZIEST PART OF THIS NEXT
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VIDEO IS THAT PEOPLE STILL WATER
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SKI.
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>> IN THE MEANTIME, CARL COMING
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IN.
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SECOND -- OH, NO!
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OH, WHAT HAPPENED?
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>> HE STILL WENT PRETTY FAR.
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>> ARE YOU OKAY, KYLE?
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>> ALRIGHT, FOR THAT TO WORK,
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YOU NEED TO BE CHEWING JUICY
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FRUIT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> SOMEONE NEEDS TO GET IN
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THERE.
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MEDICAL PERSONNEL AND TRAINED
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SWIMMERS ONLY, PLEASE.
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>> YEA, TRAINED SWIMMERS ONLY.
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UNTRAINED SWIMMERS, PLEASE STAY
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IN YOUR BOATS.
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>> YEA, IT'S GOING ON YOUTUBE.
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NOT IF VIACOM OWNS IT.
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THAT'S VERY INSIDE.
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YOU KNOW THE NICE THING ABOUT
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BLEEDING IN A LAKE IS, IS IT'S
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COMPLETELY STERILE.
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THOSE THINGS ARE ONLY LIKE 90%
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PISS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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REMEMBER, KEEP YOUR FEET OFF THE
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TABLE.
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AWW.
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HE MUST HAVE THOUGHT HE WAS ONE
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OF THE FOUR BLACK GUYS THAT GOES
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TO STANFORD.
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[LAUGHTER]
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GOOD NEWS.
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YOU JUST BECAME ELIGIBLE FOR A
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DISABILITY SCHOLARSHIP.
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[LAUGHTER]
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LUCKILY EVERY PERSON THERE IS A
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DOCTOR.
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I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK THIS
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NEXT VIDEO MIGHT BE AN INSURANCE
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SCAM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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NOT AS BIG A SCAM AS KIM
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KARDASHIAN'S MARRIAGE TO THE
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NINTH BEST NEW JERSEY NET.
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HUGH HEFNER HAS HAD MORE
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BELIEVABLE RELATIONSHIPS THAN
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THAT ARMENIAN PIG.
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[LAUGHTER]
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[APPLAUSE]
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HE BETTER FILE A CLAIM WITH HIS
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ACTING TEACHER.
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WITH THE RIGHT LAWYER IN HIS
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CORNER, HE'S GOT A REALLY GOOD
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CASE.
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[SPEAKING SPANISH]
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>> I'VE LIVED IN MIAMI AND LOS
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ANGELES AND I DON'T SPEAK A LICK
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OF SPANISH.
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IF YOU DIDN'T GET THAT, YOU'VE
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NEVER BEEN STUCK BEHIND A CITY
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BUS.
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THIS NEXT GUY FORGOT TO FACTOR
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IN THE PART ABOUT HUMANS NOT
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BEING ABLE TO FLY.
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>> ALL RIGHT, KEEP YOUR EYES ON
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THIS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
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>> WHO'S NEXT?
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THAT LINE JUST GOT A LOT
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SHORTER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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NOTHING GAYER THAN WHEN THEY
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FIND YOUR CORPSE IN A WING SUIT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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MIGHT AS WELL JUST WEAR STREET
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CLOTHES.
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HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT'S TOUGH TO
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SWIM IN?
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A WING SUIT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AH, HE SHOULD'VE TRIED FLAPPING.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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THAT CIRQUE DU SOLEIL PERFORMER
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HAS SOME DADDY ISSUES.
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[LAUGHTER]
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NOW, LET'S LIE TO OUR
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GIRLFRIENDS ABOUT WHERE WE WERE,
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AND HEAD TO THE WONDERFUL WORLD
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OF BLACK STRIP CLUBS IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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[APPLAUSE]
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I THINK IT'S SAFE TO ASSUME
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WE'RE IN ATLANTA -- WHERE THE
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PLAYERS PLAY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WHY DO BLACK PEOPLE ALWAYS LOOK
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LIKE THEY'RE HAVING SO MUCH MORE
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FUN THAN US?
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[LAUGHTER]
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REMEMBER, JUST 'CAUSE SHE DANCES
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GO-GO, THAT DON'T MAKE HER A HO,
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NO.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO CLIMB A
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POLE.
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ALL YOU NEED ARE POWERFUL THIGHS
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AND AN EMPTY SOUL.
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OKAY, I'M JUST GOING TO ASK THE
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QUESTION, IS IT RACIST FOR BLACK
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PEOPLE TO MAKE MONKEY NOISES AT
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OTHER BLACK PEOPLE?
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[LAUGHTER]
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[ANIMAL NOISES]
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LISTEN TO THE MC.
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SO THAT'S WHAT CHRIS TUCKER'S
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BEEN DOING THESE DAYS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AH, GOOD FOR SMOKEY.
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BY THE WAY, HE'S NOT BEING
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OFFENSIVE.
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HER STRIPPER NAME IS ACTUALLY
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"THIS BITCH."
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[LAUGHTER]
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IT'S EASY TO ENFORCE THE
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NO-TOUCHING RULE WHEN YOU'RE 30
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FEET ABOVE THE GROUND.
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NOW GET BACK DOWN SO WE CAN ALL
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STARE AT YOUR [BLEEP] WITHOUT
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USING BINOCULARS.
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[BLEEP]
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CAREFUL, YOU'RE A SINGLE MOM.
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AH, MUST HAVE BEEN A RAIN DANCE.
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DON'T GET TOO EXCITED.
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IT'S ABOUT $37 IN SINGLES.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HE'S TAKING A MOMENT TO REFLECT.
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I'M JUST SHOCKED WE FINALLY
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FOUND SOMETHING THAT CAN KEEP A
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BLACK AUDIENCE QUIET, AND FOR
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THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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[APPLAUSE]
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE GUY
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WHO SHOT HIMSELF, BUT FIRST
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BECAUSE SO MUCH IS RIDING UNDER
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YOUR TIRES.
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[APPLAUSE]
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>> I JUST [BLEEP] SHOT MYSELF.
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OH, SON OF A BITCH.
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I JUST SHOT MYSELF.
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>> NICE SHOT.
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THAT HEAT PACKING HICK IS TEX,
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AND LIKE EVERY GUY NAMED TEX, HE
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LOVES GUNS.
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GUN PLAY IS AMERICA'S NATIONAL
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PASTIME.
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THERE'S NOTHING MORE ENJOYABLE
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THAN WATCHING A GOOD GUN FIGHT
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ON TV, OR IN THE MOVIES, OR ON A
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HIGH SCHOOL SURVEILLANCE CAMERA.
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PERSONALLY, I'M A PROPONENT OF
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GUN CONTROL.
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NOT TO SAVE LIVES.
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I JUST DON'T WANT GUY RITCHIE TO
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MAKE ANY MORE MOVIES.
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PLUS, ANYTHING ARIZONA'S IN
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FAVOR OF IS PROBABLY BAD FOR
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AMERICA.
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YOU DON'T NEED GUNS TO MAKE A
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STATEMENT.
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TRUCKS PACKED WITH FERTILIZER
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WORK JUST FINE.
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AND YOU DEFINITELY DON'T NEED A
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FULLY AUTOMATIC WEAPON TO HUNT.
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OMAHA STEAKS WILL MAIL MEAT TO
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YOUR HOUSE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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YOU'RE NOT GONNA USE YOUR GUN,
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IT'S JUST GOING TO SIT IN YOUR
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DRAWER UNTIL EVENTUALLY YOUR
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TEENAGE SON KILLS HIMSELF WITH
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IT.
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IF YOU SUPPORT THE SECOND
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AMENDMENT, THEN LET ME EXERCISE
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MY SUPPORT OF OUR FIRST
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AMENDMENT.
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YOU'RE A [BLEEP] IDIOT.
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DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT THE THIRD
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AMENDMENT IS?
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THE RIGHT TO KICK SOLDIERS OUT
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OF YOUR HOUSE WHEN THE
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REVOLUTIONARY WAR IS OVER.
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THE CONSTITUTION ISN'T RELEVANT
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ANYMORE.
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BUT AT LEAST OUR FOREFATHERS
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SETTLED THEIR DISPUTES LIKE MEN.
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IF WE STILL HAD GOOD OLD
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FASHIONED DUELS, EITHER CONAN OR
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LENO WOULD BE DEAD AND TBS WOULD
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HAVE MORE ROOM FOR MORE RERUNS
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OF TYLER PERRY'S HOLY [BLEEP]
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BLACK PEOPLE WILL WATCH ANYTHING
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WITH MY NAME IN FRONT OF IT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AFRICA HAS IT RIGHT.
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JUST GIVE EVERY 12 YEAR OLD AN
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AK-47 AND LET THINGS WORK
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THEMSELVES OUT.
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TEX LOST A QUICK DRAW CONTEST
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AGAINST A PAPER TARGET AND ENDED
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UP WITH A BULLET BURIED IN HIS
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THIGH.
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SO WE FLEW HIM OUT TO THE
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DRIVE-BY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD
268
00:09:01,867 --> 00:09:04,067
FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
269
00:09:04,067 --> 00:09:10,127
[APPLAUSE]
270
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:12,433
>> HOW DID, TEX.
271
00:09:12,433 --> 00:09:15,303
I KNEW I'D FIND YOU IN THE GUN
272
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,900
SECTION OF WALMART.
273
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:22,570
ARE YOU PACKING?ETHING
274
00:09:22,567 --> 00:09:22,967
>> NO.
275
00:09:22,967 --> 00:09:25,197
>> I'D LIKE TO PACK YOU DOWN
276
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:26,600
JUST TO MAKE SURE.
277
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:27,300
THAT'S OKAY.
278
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:33,100
>> WHAT DO WE HAVE THERE, TEX?
279
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,730
>> LET'S GET SOME GUNS.
280
00:09:34,733 --> 00:09:36,433
>> NO SEVEN-DAY WAITING PERIOD
281
00:09:36,433 --> 00:09:39,673
FOR CELEBRITIES.
282
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:42,597
WHY DID YOUR PARENTS NAME YOU
283
00:09:42,600 --> 00:09:43,070
TEX?
284
00:09:43,067 --> 00:09:46,667
>> MY NAME IS ABNER.
285
00:09:46,667 --> 00:09:49,467
I WANTED TO LIKE HAVE SOMETHING
286
00:09:49,467 --> 00:09:52,167
WITH A LITTLE ZIP.
287
00:09:52,167 --> 00:09:54,097
I TEX ABNER.
288
00:09:54,100 --> 00:09:56,630
>> TELL ME EVERYTHING THAT
289
00:09:56,633 --> 00:09:57,333
HAPPENED THAT DAY.
290
00:09:57,333 --> 00:09:59,803
>> I PUT MY FINGER ON THE
291
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,070
HOLSTER BEFORE MY FINGER WAS ON
292
00:10:01,067 --> 00:10:02,727
THE TARGET.
293
00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:05,233
THE GUNSHOT AND THE BULLET WENT
294
00:10:05,233 --> 00:10:06,903
THROUGH MY THIGH.
295
00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:08,370
>> DID IT HIT YOUR NEAR?
296
00:10:08,367 --> 00:10:10,597
>> I'M A GOD-FEARING MAN.
297
00:10:10,600 --> 00:10:11,670
THERE'S NO REASON THIS BULLET
298
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:16,727
SHOULD MAKE A 90-DEGREE TURN BUT
299
00:10:16,733 --> 00:10:18,133
I'D DID IT?
300
00:10:18,133 --> 00:10:20,173
>> DID IT HIT ANYTHING?
301
00:10:20,167 --> 00:10:21,597
>> I'M NOT AGAINST DROPPING
302
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:25,130
TROWEL AND SHOWING IT.
303
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:28,573
>> GODDAMNIT I WANT YOU TO DROP
304
00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:28,897
TROWEL.
305
00:10:28,900 --> 00:10:29,500
>> WHAT SOME LEGS.
306
00:10:29,500 --> 00:10:32,370
>> I'VE BEEN ON THE ELLIPTICAL
307
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:32,967
TRAINER.
308
00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:34,367
>> IT GOES THROUGH HERE, MAKES A
309
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,297
TURN TO THE RIGHT.
310
00:10:35,300 --> 00:10:38,870
GOD LIKES ME AND SAID YOU'RE A
311
00:10:38,867 --> 00:10:40,297
DUMB MOTHER [BLEEP] BUT I LIKE
312
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:40,570
YOU.
313
00:10:40,567 --> 00:10:42,667
SO THERE YOU HAVE IT IN ALL IT'S
314
00:10:42,667 --> 00:10:42,967
GLORY.
315
00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:44,697
>> WERE YOU BY YOURSELF OUT
316
00:10:44,700 --> 00:10:45,000
THERE?
317
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,700
>> YES, I WAS BY MYSELF.
318
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,200
BY THE WAY, I HAVE ASPIRATIONS
319
00:10:48,200 --> 00:10:49,700
OF GOING INTO POLICE WORK, WHICH
320
00:10:49,700 --> 00:10:52,400
IS WHY I TRAINED SO RIGOROUSLY
321
00:10:52,400 --> 00:10:55,800
WITH FIREARMS BECAUSE I'D LIKE
322
00:10:55,800 --> 00:10:58,130
TO BE PROFICIENT AT IT BEHIND
323
00:10:58,133 --> 00:11:01,203
THE BADGE DOING THE RIGHT THING.
324
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:02,870
HOPEFULLY THEY WON'T SEE THAT
325
00:11:02,867 --> 00:11:03,197
VIDEO.
326
00:11:03,200 --> 00:11:04,900
>> I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
327
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:08,170
>> I JUST [BLEEP] SHOT MYSELF.
328
00:11:08,167 --> 00:11:11,227
>> WHAT DO YOU DRIVE?
329
00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:11,573
PRIUS?
330
00:11:11,567 --> 00:11:12,567
>> JEEP CHEROKEE.
331
00:11:12,567 --> 00:11:13,897
>> YOU JUST DROVE YOURSELF TO
332
00:11:13,900 --> 00:11:15,200
THE EMERGENCY ROOM?
333
00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,900
>> THIS IS ALL I SAW.
334
00:11:17,900 --> 00:11:19,100
I HAD NO IDEA --
335
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,470
>> YOU THOUGHT THAT WAS THE
336
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:22,527
ENTRY WOUND.
337
00:11:22,533 --> 00:11:25,703
>> I HAD NO IDEA HOW I WAS
338
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:27,570
WALKING BUT I WAS WALKING.
339
00:11:27,567 --> 00:11:28,827
>> DO YOU THINK YOU COULD WHIP
340
00:11:28,833 --> 00:11:30,073
TEXAS WALKER?
341
00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,097
>> I DON'T THINK I COULD WHIP
342
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:34,330
HIM BUT I HAVE DRANK MY OWN PEA
343
00:11:34,333 --> 00:11:36,403
AND IT TASTES LIKE WARM FLAT
344
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:36,700
BEER.
345
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:38,100
>> YOU KNOW ON THAT SHOW THEY
346
00:11:38,100 --> 00:11:40,530
SUBSTITUTE APPLE JUICE IN.
347
00:11:40,533 --> 00:11:43,073
>> POTENTIALLY BUT YEAH, I DRANK
348
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:45,167
MY OWN PISS.
349
00:11:45,167 --> 00:11:48,967
>> YOU A MEMBER OF THE NRA?
350
00:11:48,967 --> 00:11:50,067
>> YES.
351
00:11:50,067 --> 00:11:51,897
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF OBAMA?
352
00:11:51,900 --> 00:11:53,500
>> I'D RATHER NOT ANSWER.
353
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:54,570
>> WHERE DO YOU KEEP YOUR GUNS
354
00:11:54,567 --> 00:11:55,067
AT HOME?
355
00:11:55,067 --> 00:11:56,267
>> NOT ANSWERING THAT ONE.
356
00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:57,927
>> IF YOU WERE GOING TO FINISH
357
00:11:57,933 --> 00:12:00,933
THE JOB OR YOURSELF WHAT GUN
358
00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:02,933
WOULD YOU USE?
359
00:12:02,933 --> 00:12:07,103
>> I'D GO OUT WITH THE DESERT
360
00:12:07,100 --> 00:12:07,400
EAGLE.
361
00:12:07,400 --> 00:12:09,170
IT'S ISRAELI.
362
00:12:09,167 --> 00:12:09,697
HOW ABOUT THEM JEWS?
363
00:12:09,700 --> 00:12:11,470
[LAUGHTER]
364
00:12:11,467 --> 00:12:12,397
>> WHAT DO YOU HUNT?
365
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,470
>> IF IT BLEEDS, I'D PROBABLY
366
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:15,067
HUNT IT.
367
00:12:15,067 --> 00:12:18,197
HOWEVER I DO OCCASIONALLY HUNT
368
00:12:18,200 --> 00:12:19,230
MUSHROOMS AS WELL.
369
00:12:19,233 --> 00:12:20,803
>> YOU EVER HUNT ON MUSHROOMS?
370
00:12:20,800 --> 00:12:22,470
>> PROBABLY NOT A GOOD IDEA.
371
00:12:22,467 --> 00:12:24,627
>> IF YOU'D GO ANYWHERE TO HUNT,
372
00:12:24,633 --> 00:12:26,073
WHERE WOULD IT BE?
373
00:12:26,067 --> 00:12:27,427
>> PROBABLY BACK IN TIME.
374
00:12:27,433 --> 00:12:29,233
IN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY,
375
00:12:29,233 --> 00:12:32,673
THAT PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAPPEN.
376
00:12:32,667 --> 00:12:34,527
YOU CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST,
377
00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:34,833
RIGHT?
378
00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:35,773
>> I DON'T KNOW.
379
00:12:35,767 --> 00:12:36,697
I HOPE SO.
380
00:12:36,700 --> 00:12:38,070
DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE FOR KIDS
381
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:39,627
THAT MIGHT WANT TO GET INTO
382
00:12:39,633 --> 00:12:41,273
SHOOTING THEMSELVES?
383
00:12:41,267 --> 00:12:42,367
PROBABLY NOT WHAT I WANTED TO
384
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:42,927
SAY --
385
00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:46,303
>> NOT WHAT YOU WANTED TO SAY.
386
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:48,670
>> ANY ADVICE FOR KIDS AT SCHOOL
387
00:12:48,667 --> 00:12:50,897
THAT WANT TO BUY GUNS?
388
00:12:50,900 --> 00:12:52,830
>> TALK TO A COUNSELOR.
389
00:12:52,833 --> 00:12:54,673
>> ANY ADVICE FOR KIDS THAT WANT
390
00:12:54,667 --> 00:12:55,427
TO SHOOT SOMETHING?
391
00:12:55,433 --> 00:12:57,073
KIDS WANT TO LEARN TO PROPERLY
392
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:57,827
USE A GUN.
393
00:12:57,833 --> 00:13:00,403
ANY ADVICE FOR HIM?
394
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:01,200
OR HER.
395
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,300
>> I'M BIG INTO WOMEN KNOWING
396
00:13:02,300 --> 00:13:04,930
HOW TO USE GUNS.
397
00:13:04,933 --> 00:13:16,433
IF A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE COMES, I
398
00:13:16,433 --> 00:13:18,873
WANT THEM TO SURVIVE.
399
00:13:18,867 --> 00:13:21,167
>> I'D LIKE TO PUT ON SLEEVES.
400
00:13:21,167 --> 00:13:24,727
IF I FEEL LIKE DOING A PERSONAL
401
00:13:24,733 --> 00:13:26,403
APPEARANCE OR SOMETHING, THEN
402
00:13:26,400 --> 00:13:27,630
I'LL LEAVE THE HAT ON.
403
00:13:27,633 --> 00:13:28,973
>> ALL RIGHT, TEX.
404
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:30,667
BEFORE WE LET YOU PAY WITH GUNS
405
00:13:30,667 --> 00:13:32,067
AGAIN, I NEED TO MAKE SURE YOU
406
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:35,467
KNOW WHAT THINGS YOU CAN AND
407
00:13:35,467 --> 00:13:36,067
CANNOT SHOOT.
408
00:13:36,067 --> 00:13:37,827
I GOT TO GET A NEW TARGET.
409
00:13:37,833 --> 00:13:39,633
MINE IS ALL SOGGY.
410
00:13:39,633 --> 00:13:42,403
WHAT ARE YOU SHOOTING AT?
411
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,430
I'M SURE SHE'S DEAD.
412
00:13:44,433 --> 00:13:44,773
JESUS.
413
00:13:44,767 --> 00:13:46,067
YOU NEED TO SHOOT JESUS.
414
00:13:46,067 --> 00:13:48,667
IF HE DOESN'T DIE, THEN WE CAN'T
415
00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,467
GO TO HEAVEN.
416
00:13:50,467 --> 00:13:50,767
OKAY.
417
00:13:50,767 --> 00:13:51,367
BLACK JESUS.
418
00:13:51,367 --> 00:13:53,727
>> DOES THAT MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
419
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:54,933
>> THAT'S GOOD.
420
00:13:54,933 --> 00:13:56,803
KILL HIM.
421
00:13:56,800 --> 00:13:58,200
>> DON'T GET SO EXCITED TO SHOOT
422
00:13:58,200 --> 00:13:59,130
BLACK JESUS.
423
00:13:59,133 --> 00:14:00,903
ARE YOU GOING TO SHOOT YOURSELF?
424
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:01,430
>> NO.
425
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,233
BEEN THERE, DONE THAT.
426
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:05,073
>> YOU DID GREAT, TEX.
427
00:14:05,067 --> 00:14:07,067
THE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF GUN
428
00:14:07,067 --> 00:14:08,067
SAFETY IS NOT GETTING SHOT.
429
00:14:08,067 --> 00:14:09,127
>> YEAH, IT IS.
430
00:14:09,133 --> 00:14:12,103
>> IF YOU CAN PASS THIS FINAL
431
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:18,300
TEST, YOU MIGHT BE THE ONE.
432
00:14:18,300 --> 00:14:20,300
>> WHAT?
433
00:14:20,300 --> 00:14:22,630
>> AM I IN THE MATRIX?
434
00:14:22,633 --> 00:14:24,873
>> NOBODY CAN TELL YOU WHAT THE
435
00:14:24,867 --> 00:14:25,427
MATRIX IS.
436
00:14:25,433 --> 00:14:28,103
YOU HAVE TO FEEL IT FOR
437
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:28,530
YOURSELF.
438
00:14:28,533 --> 00:14:30,073
WE'RE WILLING TO WIPE THE SLATE
439
00:14:30,067 --> 00:14:30,297
CLEAN.
440
00:14:30,300 --> 00:14:31,900
GIVE YOU A FRESH START.
441
00:14:31,900 --> 00:14:33,730
THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW, ARE YOU
442
00:14:33,733 --> 00:14:36,133
READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT?
443
00:14:36,133 --> 00:14:45,073
>> UM.
444
00:14:45,067 --> 00:14:49,067
>> IMPRESSIVE.
445
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:50,227
>> DID YOU HEAR THAT,
446
00:14:50,233 --> 00:14:52,833
MR. ANDERSON?
447
00:14:52,833 --> 00:14:55,333
THAT IS THE SOUND OF
448
00:14:55,333 --> 00:14:55,803
INEVITABILITY.
449
00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:57,330
IT'S THE SOUND OF YOUR OWN
450
00:14:57,333 --> 00:14:58,073
DEATH.
451
00:14:58,067 --> 00:15:00,067
GOOD-BYE, MR. ANDERSON.
452
00:15:00,067 --> 00:15:05,967
>> MY NAME IS TEX.
453
00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:20,327
[GUN SHOTS].
454
00:15:20,333 --> 00:15:30,103
[SCREAMING].
455
00:15:30,100 --> 00:15:32,230
>> OH, MY GOSH!
456
00:15:32,233 --> 00:15:32,603
WAKE UP.
457
00:15:32,600 --> 00:15:36,130
MY BABY!
458
00:15:36,133 --> 00:15:38,273
>> IT'S POOR CITY PLANNING HERE
459
00:15:38,267 --> 00:15:39,227
IN THE MATRIX.
460
00:15:39,233 --> 00:15:41,233
[APPLAUSE]
461
00:15:41,233 --> 00:15:41,973
>> FOR THE RECORD, THAT WAS NOT
462
00:15:41,967 --> 00:15:42,797
A MATRIX PARODY.
463
00:15:42,800 --> 00:15:43,530
THAT WAS A MATRIX REVOLUTIONS
464
00:15:43,533 --> 00:15:46,333
PARODY.
465
00:15:46,333 --> 00:15:47,533
NOBODY DOES THOSE.
466
00:15:47,533 --> 00:15:48,273
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST
467
00:15:48,267 --> 00:15:51,267
IT'S OUR DICK OF THE WEEK.
468
00:15:57,933 --> 00:16:05,573
[LAUGHTER]
469
00:16:05,567 --> 00:16:08,667
>> DON'T HIT YOURSELF IN THE
470
00:16:08,667 --> 00:16:12,267
HEAD.
471
00:16:14,233 --> 00:16:22,903
[LAUGHTER]
472
00:16:22,900 --> 00:16:37,570
>> STRAP IT ON.
473
00:16:37,567 --> 00:16:42,967
>> OH, GOOD.
474
00:16:46,333 --> 00:16:48,633
>> GET UP!
475
00:16:48,633 --> 00:16:49,373
THAT'S CALLED TEBOWING AND IT'S
476
00:16:49,367 --> 00:16:50,067
ONE MORE REASON TO HATE TIM
477
00:16:50,067 --> 00:16:51,297
TEBOW.
478
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:52,330
BEFORE AND AFTER EVERY GAME, HE
479
00:16:52,333 --> 00:16:53,073
TAKES A KNEE AND REFLECTS WITH
480
00:16:53,067 --> 00:16:54,367
GOD.
481
00:16:54,367 --> 00:16:55,467
BUT IF TEBOW WAS REALLY A GOOD
482
00:16:55,467 --> 00:16:58,597
CHRISTIAN HE'D HONOR THE SABBATH
483
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,330
AND KEEP IT HOLY BY NOT WORKING
484
00:16:59,333 --> 00:17:00,133
EVERY SUNDAY.
485
00:17:00,133 --> 00:17:01,733
I GET THAT TEBOW'S A LEADER ON
486
00:17:01,733 --> 00:17:03,733
THE FIELD, BUT YOU KNOW WHO'D BE
487
00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:04,803
EVEN BETTER IN A HUDDLE?
488
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:06,400
A PROFESSIONAL QUARTERBACK.
489
00:17:06,400 --> 00:17:07,170
HE'S NOT A PASSER WHO'S A THREAT
490
00:17:07,167 --> 00:17:07,497
TO RUN.
491
00:17:07,500 --> 00:17:08,230
HE'S A TIGHT END WHO LINES UP IN
492
00:17:08,233 --> 00:17:10,073
THE WILDCAT.
493
00:17:10,067 --> 00:17:12,097
HE SEEMED GOOD IN COLLEGE
494
00:17:12,100 --> 00:17:12,770
BECAUSE HE WAS SHOTPUTTING
495
00:17:12,767 --> 00:17:13,527
6-YARD DUMP SCREENS TO A SAFETY
496
00:17:13,533 --> 00:17:14,133
VALVE.
497
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,303
OH, HE WON THE HEISMAN?
498
00:17:15,300 --> 00:17:16,800
GREAT, SO DID CHARLIE WARD, AND
499
00:17:16,800 --> 00:17:17,530
HE SAT ON THE KNICKS BENCH FOR
500
00:17:17,533 --> 00:17:19,433
EIGHT YEARS.
501
00:17:19,433 --> 00:17:20,173
HE'S THE ONLY ATHLETE WHO BRAGS
502
00:17:20,167 --> 00:17:23,627
ABOUT BEING A VIRGIN.
503
00:17:23,633 --> 00:17:24,373
AT LEAST TONY ROMO BANGS DUDES.
504
00:17:24,367 --> 00:17:25,097
KNOCK IT OFF WITH THE BIBLE
505
00:17:25,100 --> 00:17:26,170
VERSES AND ABSTINENCE TALK.
506
00:17:26,167 --> 00:17:28,797
I HAVE IT ON GOOD AUTHORITY THAT
507
00:17:28,800 --> 00:17:29,500
YOUR V-CARD GOT SWIPED PLENTY
508
00:17:29,500 --> 00:17:31,330
DOWN IN GAINESVILLE.
509
00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:32,403
DENVER IS BETTER OFF WITHOUT
510
00:17:32,400 --> 00:17:33,130
HIM, BUT TRY TELLING THAT TO A
511
00:17:33,133 --> 00:17:33,833
STADIUM FULL OF CHANTING HILL
512
00:17:33,833 --> 00:17:35,303
PEOPLE.
513
00:17:35,300 --> 00:17:36,600
[LAUGHTER]
514
00:17:36,600 --> 00:17:37,370
EVERYONE IS TEBOWING THESE DAYS,
515
00:17:37,367 --> 00:17:39,727
BUT I DON'T THINK THEY
516
00:17:39,733 --> 00:17:41,273
UNDERSTAND WHAT IT REALLY MEANS.
517
00:17:41,267 --> 00:17:42,297
WHEN YOU DROP DOWN IN PRAYER
518
00:17:42,300 --> 00:17:43,070
LIKE HIM, IT SHOULD BE AFTER
519
00:17:43,067 --> 00:17:44,867
YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING AWFUL,
520
00:17:44,867 --> 00:17:46,967
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT TIM TEBOW
521
00:17:46,967 --> 00:17:48,067
REPRESENTS, BEING AWFUL.
522
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:53,067
[LAUGHTER]
523
00:18:09,700 --> 00:18:15,770
[BOOING]
524
00:18:15,767 --> 00:18:21,897
[LAUGHTER]
525
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:24,970
>> WHO TEBOWS AFTER TAKING A
526
00:18:24,967 --> 00:18:25,297
DUMP?
527
00:18:25,300 --> 00:18:28,130
>> I'M NOT.
528
00:18:28,133 --> 00:18:28,603
TEBOW AIN'T GAY.
529
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:29,330
>> THAT OFFICIALLY PUTS IN END
530
00:18:29,333 --> 00:18:29,903
TO TEBOWING FOR GOOD.
531
00:18:29,900 --> 00:18:30,630
SPEAKING OF NAMING DUMB [BLEEP]
532
00:18:30,633 --> 00:18:31,603
AFTER PEOPLE, LAST WEEK, I
533
00:18:31,600 --> 00:18:33,600
INTRODUCED YOU TO QADAFFI'ING,
534
00:18:33,600 --> 00:18:34,270
AND YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN BUSY
535
00:18:34,267 --> 00:18:35,097
SHOVING STUFF UP YOUR FRIENDS'
536
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,270
ASSES ALL WEEK LONG.
537
00:18:37,267 --> 00:18:43,867
[LAUGHTER]
538
00:18:43,867 --> 00:18:47,667
>> QADDAFI!
539
00:18:47,667 --> 00:18:52,097
>> QADDAFI!
540
00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:52,500
>> QADDAFI.
541
00:18:52,500 --> 00:18:55,530
[LAUGHTER]
542
00:18:55,533 --> 00:18:57,303
>> QADDAFI!
543
00:18:57,300 --> 00:18:57,670
[BLEEP].
544
00:18:57,667 --> 00:18:58,827
>> QADDAFI!
545
00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:02,333
>> WHAT THE [BLEEP].
546
00:19:02,333 --> 00:19:03,773
>> QADDAFI!
547
00:19:03,767 --> 00:19:04,127
[BLEEP].
548
00:19:04,133 --> 00:19:06,533
>> QADDAFI!
549
00:19:06,533 --> 00:19:12,533
>> OH, MY GOD!
550
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:13,673
>> QADDAFI.
551
00:19:13,667 --> 00:19:17,197
>> QADDAFI!
552
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,300
[LAUGHTER]
553
00:19:19,300 --> 00:19:21,230
>> WOO!
554
00:19:21,233 --> 00:19:22,873
>> I LIKE THE SHOWMANSHIP.
555
00:19:22,867 --> 00:19:23,667
THAT'S THE BEST POSSIBLE LEGACY
556
00:19:23,667 --> 00:19:25,827
FOR THAT DICTATOR.
557
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:26,503
BUT NOTHING WILL TOP THE
558
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:29,070
ORIGINAL VIDEO, BECAUSE THAT WAS
559
00:19:29,067 --> 00:19:31,127
A REAL KNIFE, AND HE DIED.
560
00:19:31,133 --> 00:19:31,833
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
561
00:19:31,833 --> 00:19:33,803
PULP COMICS.
562
00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:36,100
[APPLAUSE]
563
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:50,570
[APPLAUSE]
564
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:51,127
>> WELCOME BLACK.
565
00:19:51,133 --> 00:19:51,833
NEXT WEEK IS OUR BIG SEASON
566
00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:52,673
FINALE.
567
00:19:52,667 --> 00:19:53,627
WE DID 30 EPISODES THIS YEAR.
568
00:19:53,633 --> 00:19:54,303
THAT IS WAY MORE THAN YOU
569
00:19:54,300 --> 00:19:55,770
DESERVE.
570
00:19:55,767 --> 00:19:56,727
MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN BECAUSE I
571
00:19:56,733 --> 00:19:57,333
WILL MAKING A SHOCKING
572
00:19:57,333 --> 00:19:59,473
ANNOUNCEMENT.
573
00:19:59,467 --> 00:20:00,197
I'M GONNA TELL YOU GUYS IN FIVE
574
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:02,030
SECONDS.
575
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:02,773
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN
576
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:03,497
LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS.
577
00:20:03,500 --> 00:20:05,030
KEEP UP WITH OUR BLOG AT
578
00:20:05,033 --> 00:20:06,673
TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
579
00:20:06,667 --> 00:20:07,427
AND COME SEE ME ON TOUR OVER THE
580
00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:08,803
HOLIDAYS.
581
00:20:08,800 --> 00:20:09,730
FINALLY, THE OTHER DAY, I SAW A
582
00:20:09,733 --> 00:20:10,373
VIDEO OF A PREGNANT LADY
583
00:20:10,367 --> 00:20:12,367
DANCING.
584
00:20:12,367 --> 00:20:13,927
NEEDLESS TO SAY, IT REALLY
585
00:20:13,933 --> 00:20:17,033
TURNED ME ON, SO I ORDERED MY
586
00:20:17,033 --> 00:20:17,733
STAFF TO FIND MORE AND CUT
587
00:20:17,733 --> 00:20:19,933
TOGETHER A LITTLE MONTAGE.
588
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:31,330
**
589
00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:44,673
**
590
00:20:44,667 --> 00:20:52,927
**
591
00:20:52,933 --> 00:20:54,773
[LAUGHTER]
592
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:55,527
I WISH THEY COULD STAY PREGNANT
593
00:20:55,533 --> 00:20:56,733
FOREVER.
594
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:58,833
GOOD JOB, FATSOS.
595
00:20:58,833 --> 00:20:59,373
[BLEEP] ALL, Y'ALL.
596
00:20:59,367 --> 00:21:02,297
GOODNIGHT.
597
00:21:02,300 --> 00:21:07,400
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
36373
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