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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:23,767 --> 00:00:25,467 [audience ohs] 2 00:00:25,500 --> 00:00:28,230 [laughter] 3 00:00:28,267 --> 00:00:31,227 [hip-hop music] 4 00:00:31,267 --> 00:00:36,267 [cheers and applause] 5 00:00:40,667 --> 00:00:43,067 - EVERYONE FROM JACKASS IS DYING. 6 00:00:43,100 --> 00:00:46,430 [audience groans and laughs] 7 00:00:46,467 --> 00:00:48,267 WELCOME TO TOSH.0, 8 00:00:48,300 --> 00:00:50,030 AN EMMY-CONSIDERED SHOW. 9 00:00:50,067 --> 00:00:51,397 WE'RE NOT NOMINATED, BUT I'M TOLD 10 00:00:51,433 --> 00:00:53,733 WE ARE BEING CONSIDERED. 11 00:00:53,767 --> 00:00:56,467 TONIGHT ON THE SHOW, WE HAVE A FART-FELT WEB REDEMPTION, 12 00:00:56,500 --> 00:00:58,030 I HELP YOU STAY POSITIVE, 13 00:00:58,067 --> 00:00:59,597 AND I TAKE YOUR PHONE CALLS. 14 00:00:59,633 --> 00:01:00,803 NOW LET'S GO BACK AND WATCH 15 00:01:00,833 --> 00:01:02,333 HOW A GOOD FRIEND KEEPS THE CAMERA ROLLING 16 00:01:02,367 --> 00:01:05,767 AND DOESN'T HELP AT ALL. 17 00:01:05,800 --> 00:01:07,500 [audience ohs] 18 00:01:07,533 --> 00:01:11,173 IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S OKAY. 19 00:01:11,200 --> 00:01:12,830 WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT A $20 TOY 20 00:01:12,867 --> 00:01:14,967 COULDN'T HANDLE A TWO-STORY FALL? 21 00:01:15,067 --> 00:01:18,397 [audience ohs] 22 00:01:18,433 --> 00:01:20,303 WHAT ABOUT HIS PARENTS? 23 00:01:20,333 --> 00:01:24,473 THEY HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THEIR SON DIED ON A RAZOR SCOOTER. 24 00:01:24,500 --> 00:01:26,470 HE'S NOT DEAD. 25 00:01:26,500 --> 00:01:29,900 BUT HE'LL DRIVE HIS NEXT SCOOTER WITH A STRAW. 26 00:01:29,933 --> 00:01:31,933 I COULD MAKE THAT ON A SEGWAY. 27 00:01:31,967 --> 00:01:34,067 [wheels screech] 28 00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:43,967 WAS THAT THE FIRST 900 ON A SEGWAY? 29 00:01:44,067 --> 00:01:46,167 SUCK IT, TONY HAWK. 30 00:01:46,200 --> 00:01:48,330 HERE'S PROOF THAT MOST CAR ACCIDENTS HAPPEN 31 00:01:48,367 --> 00:01:49,897 WITHIN TEN FEET OF YOUR HOME. 32 00:01:57,567 --> 00:01:59,197 [audience ohs] 33 00:01:59,233 --> 00:02:00,803 ACCORDING TO J.D. POWER AND ASSOCIATES, 34 00:02:00,833 --> 00:02:04,233 THAT TRUCK HAS THE BEST KILLING CAPACITY IN ITS CLASS. 35 00:02:06,567 --> 00:02:08,897 [laughter and applause] 36 00:02:08,933 --> 00:02:11,073 "UH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MY INTERNAL BLEEDING. 37 00:02:11,067 --> 00:02:14,097 JUST MAKE SURE THE TRUCK'S OKAY." 38 00:02:14,133 --> 00:02:16,903 ALL RIGHT, NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY "GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT." 39 00:02:16,933 --> 00:02:21,073 THAT'S WHERE YOU AT HOME GUESS WHAT HAPPENS NEXT. 40 00:02:23,500 --> 00:02:28,130 [audience ohs] 41 00:02:33,133 --> 00:02:36,733 DID YOU GUESS HE WAS GONNA GET RUN OVER BY ANOTHER TRUCK? 42 00:02:36,767 --> 00:02:40,267 OH, DEJA VU REALLY HURTS. 43 00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:42,170 RUN ME OVER ONCE, SHAME ON YOU. 44 00:02:42,200 --> 00:02:44,070 RUN ME OVER TWICE-- COME ON, GUYS. 45 00:02:44,067 --> 00:02:46,397 STOP RUNNING ME OVER. 46 00:02:46,433 --> 00:02:47,533 RELAX. 47 00:02:47,567 --> 00:02:49,827 THAT OLD MAN IS BUILT FORD TOUGH. 48 00:02:49,867 --> 00:02:53,067 NOW GET OFF THE DRIVEWAY BEFORE THE THIRD TRUCK COMES. 49 00:02:53,067 --> 00:02:54,797 I APPLAUD THIS NEXT GAL FOR NOT LETTING 50 00:02:54,833 --> 00:02:57,273 INCLEMENT WEATHER GET IN THE WAY OF HER WOMANLY DUTIES. 51 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,570 [audiencohs] 52 00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:06,670 THAT'S WHY FEMALES SHOULD BE REQUIRED 53 00:03:06,700 --> 00:03:11,330 TO WEAR HELMETS AT ALL TIMES. 54 00:03:11,367 --> 00:03:12,897 [audience ohs] 55 00:03:12,933 --> 00:03:17,703 I'M GLAD THEY FINALLY RELEASED THE KATRINA BLOOPER REELS. 56 00:03:17,733 --> 00:03:19,533 NOW SHE'S IN REAL TROUBLE. 57 00:03:19,567 --> 00:03:25,097 WHAT'S HER HUSBAND GONNA HAVE FOR DINNER? 58 00:03:25,133 --> 00:03:26,173 ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE IF YOU LADIES 59 00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:29,730 CAN DO A LITTLE BETTER ON DRY LAND. 60 00:03:29,767 --> 00:03:32,227 - [gasps] WHOA! 61 00:03:32,267 --> 00:03:35,767 - DID SHE JUST GET SHOT? 62 00:03:35,800 --> 00:03:39,200 THIS IS WHY YOU GIRLS ARE SO EASY TO KIDNAP. 63 00:03:39,233 --> 00:03:41,973 IF YOU SLOW IT DOWN, YOU CAN SEE THE PROBLEM. 64 00:03:42,067 --> 00:03:43,327 YEP, THERE IT IS. 65 00:03:43,367 --> 00:03:46,067 SHE'S A WOMAN. 66 00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,227 NO, I GET IT. 67 00:03:47,267 --> 00:03:48,967 SOMETIMES PUTTING ONE FOOT IN FRONT OF ANOTHER 68 00:03:49,067 --> 00:03:51,067 CAN BE DIFFICULT. 69 00:03:51,067 --> 00:03:52,727 SHE'S STILL MORE ATTRACTIVE THAN THE OTHER GIRL 70 00:03:52,767 --> 00:03:55,467 AND ISN'T THAT REALLY WHAT MATTERS? 71 00:03:55,500 --> 00:03:56,900 CHECK OUT THIS NEXT ASSHOLE. 72 00:03:56,933 --> 00:04:00,703 [audience groans] 73 00:04:00,733 --> 00:04:02,103 [audience ohs] 74 00:04:02,133 --> 00:04:06,273 - [screaming] 75 00:04:06,300 --> 00:04:08,230 [audience ohs] 76 00:04:08,267 --> 00:04:11,667 - HIS BOYFRIEND IS GONNA LOVE THIS. 77 00:04:11,700 --> 00:04:13,600 HE JUST CUT HIS WIPING TIME IN HALF. 78 00:04:13,633 --> 00:04:15,273 BUT TO MAKE THAT GOOCH REALLY BEAUTIFUL, 79 00:04:15,300 --> 00:04:17,330 YOU NEED TO BLEACH IT. 80 00:04:17,367 --> 00:04:19,927 I MEAN, IN THIS DAY AND AGE, MANSCAPING HAS BECOME THE NORM. 81 00:04:19,967 --> 00:04:21,597 AND IT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR THAT YOU LADIES 82 00:04:21,633 --> 00:04:24,803 GET TO GO TO A RELAXING SPA WHILE MEN HAVE TO HUNCH OVER 83 00:04:24,833 --> 00:04:27,273 IN THEIR BATHROOM AND GET PUBES ALL OVER THE SINK. 84 00:04:27,300 --> 00:04:28,800 I SAY, "NO MORE." 85 00:04:28,833 --> 00:04:32,073 THAT'S WHY I OPENED UP THE WORLD'S FIRST BALLBERSHOP. 86 00:04:35,533 --> 00:04:36,933 - WHOO! 87 00:04:36,967 --> 00:04:38,227 HOW YOU WANT YOUR HAIR DONE? 88 00:04:38,267 --> 00:04:39,527 - JUST TAKE A LITTLE OFF THE BOTTOM 89 00:04:39,567 --> 00:04:41,127 AND A LOT OFF THE TOP, PLEASE. 90 00:04:41,167 --> 00:04:43,127 - ONE HAIRY TRUMAN COMING UP! 91 00:04:43,167 --> 00:04:44,867 YOU WANT THE BACK ROUNDED OR SQUARED? 92 00:04:44,900 --> 00:04:45,900 - ROUND THAT [bleep] UP. 93 00:04:45,933 --> 00:04:47,503 - AH, A GENTLEMEN'S CUT. 94 00:04:47,533 --> 00:04:48,773 - AND CAN YOU GO A LITTLE LOWER? 95 00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,870 - HEY, THIS IS A BALLBERSHOP, NOT A TAINTERSHOP. 96 00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:54,230 - I SHAVED DR. MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.'S BALLS ONE TIME. 97 00:04:54,267 --> 00:04:55,797 - MAN, YOU LYING! 98 00:04:55,833 --> 00:04:58,133 YOU AIN'T NEVER SHAVED NO MARTIN LUTHER KING THE JR.'S BALLS. 99 00:04:58,167 --> 00:04:59,297 - I DID! 100 00:04:59,333 --> 00:05:01,573 THE MAN HAD BEAUTIFUL BALLS. 101 00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:04,530 ROCKY MARCIANO IS THE GREATEST FIGHTER WHO EVER LIVED. 102 00:05:04,567 --> 00:05:06,097 - OH, THERE THEY GO. THERE THEY GO. 103 00:05:06,133 --> 00:05:08,073 EVERY TIME WE START TALKING ABOUT BOXING, 104 00:05:08,067 --> 00:05:10,127 A WHITE MAN GOT TO PULL ROCKY MARCIANO OUT THEIR ASS. 105 00:05:10,167 --> 00:05:11,397 ROCKY MARCIANO. 106 00:05:11,433 --> 00:05:13,533 LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING ONCE AND FOR ALL. 107 00:05:13,567 --> 00:05:15,167 ROCKY MARCIANO WAS GOOD, 108 00:05:15,200 --> 00:05:17,730 BUT COMPARED TO JOE LOUIS, ROCKY MARCIANO AIN'T [bleep]. 109 00:05:17,767 --> 00:05:19,467 - HE BEAT JOE LOUIS'S ASS. 110 00:05:19,500 --> 00:05:20,570 - KNOCK IT OFF, LITTLE D. 111 00:05:20,600 --> 00:05:22,070 YOU GET BACK TO SWEEPING THOSE PUBES. 112 00:05:22,067 --> 00:05:23,067 ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE ALL SET. 113 00:05:23,100 --> 00:05:24,130 - HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU? 114 00:05:24,167 --> 00:05:26,067 - NO SHAMPOO? UH, $15. 115 00:05:26,067 --> 00:05:27,367 - AND DON'T FORGET THE TIP, 116 00:05:27,400 --> 00:05:29,200 YOU BABY-BALLED BASTARD. 117 00:05:29,233 --> 00:05:31,603 - [laughs] 118 00:05:31,633 --> 00:05:34,133 - PLAYING EVERY CHARACTER'S NOT THAT HARD. 119 00:05:34,167 --> 00:05:38,897 INSERT BLACK COMEDIAN'S NAME HERE. 120 00:05:38,933 --> 00:05:42,433 EDDIE MURPHY, TYLER PERRY, MARTIN LAWRENCE... 121 00:05:42,467 --> 00:05:45,067 ANYBODY WITH THE LAST NAME "WAYANS." 122 00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,370 WHAT'S NEXT? 123 00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:50,130 [cheers and applause] 124 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:57,530 [audience ohs] 125 00:05:57,567 --> 00:05:59,467 DO YOU STILL HAVE TO TIP YOUR WAITRESS 126 00:05:59,500 --> 00:06:02,300 IF SHE BURNS ALIVE? 127 00:06:02,333 --> 00:06:03,803 LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK AT THIS HOT-ASS, 128 00:06:03,833 --> 00:06:06,073 UNDERAGE LATINA IN THIS WEEK'S BREAKDOWN. 129 00:06:06,100 --> 00:06:09,170 [applause] 130 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,070 THIS IS A QUINCEANERA, WHICH IS A PARTY 131 00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:13,067 MEXICAN PEOPLE THROW FOR 15-YEAR-OLD GIRLS 132 00:06:13,067 --> 00:06:14,827 WHEN THEY GET THEIR TUBES TIED. 133 00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:16,227 IT'S AS IMPORTANT TO THEIR CULTURE 134 00:06:16,267 --> 00:06:19,167 AS WISPY MUSTACHES AND LOPEZ TONIGHT. 135 00:06:19,200 --> 00:06:21,700 AH, HERE COMES THE TRADITIONAL DRINK OF THE QUINCEANERA-- 136 00:06:21,733 --> 00:06:24,473 THE IRISH CAR BOMB. 137 00:06:24,500 --> 00:06:26,970 I HOPE HER KIDS ARE HERE TO SEE THIS MAGICAL MOMENT. 138 00:06:27,067 --> 00:06:28,297 SHE'S BEEN A MOTHER FOR YEARS, 139 00:06:28,333 --> 00:06:30,903 BUT TODAY SHE BECOMES A WOMAN. 140 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:34,803 AWW, FIESTA FOUL. 141 00:06:34,833 --> 00:06:36,203 AYE, PAPI. 142 00:06:36,233 --> 00:06:39,573 THAT SIZZLING SOUND IS EITHER HER OR THE FAJITAS. 143 00:06:39,600 --> 00:06:43,200 HERE COME THE FIRST RESPONDERS. 144 00:06:43,233 --> 00:06:45,433 NOW IT'S A PARTY. 145 00:06:45,467 --> 00:06:47,527 DID HE JUST SCORE A GOAL? 146 00:06:47,567 --> 00:06:50,267 THAT GUY'S BEEN WAITING TO TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF ALL NIGHT. 147 00:06:50,300 --> 00:06:54,100 FIRE BEATS FABRIC, MUCHACHO. 148 00:06:54,133 --> 00:06:57,333 WHOEVER BLOWS HER OUT GETS TO MAKE A WISH. 149 00:06:57,367 --> 00:06:59,167 LISTEN, I KNOW IT'S WAY MORE FUN THAN A PINATA, 150 00:06:59,200 --> 00:07:00,700 BUT STOP BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF HER 151 00:07:00,733 --> 00:07:04,073 AND SOMEONE GET SOME AGUA BEFORE HER SKIN MELTS. 152 00:07:04,067 --> 00:07:05,867 LET'S KEEP IT GOING, BECAUSE AFTER THE PARTY, 153 00:07:05,900 --> 00:07:08,700 IT'S THE BURN WARD LOBBY. 154 00:07:08,733 --> 00:07:10,303 I'M JUST GLAD THERE ARE A TON OF HOUSEKEEPERS THERE 155 00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:11,703 TO CLEAN UP AFTERWARDS. 156 00:07:11,733 --> 00:07:15,303 AND FOR THAT, WE SAY, "CABO SAN LUCAS." 157 00:07:15,333 --> 00:07:17,333 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE WEB REDEMPTION. 158 00:07:17,367 --> 00:07:19,327 BUT FIRST, HERE'S THE BEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN 159 00:07:19,367 --> 00:07:21,697 ON A MOVING WALKWAY. 160 00:07:21,733 --> 00:07:24,873 - FINAL CALL FOR PASSENGERS OF AIR FRANCE 161 00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:30,370 AND LUFTA AIRLINES FLIGHT AF1383 162 00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,670 FROM PARIS, GATE D-- 163 00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:35,730 [cheers and applause] 164 00:07:38,167 --> 00:07:39,197 - CHRISTIAN SUMMERS THINKS 165 00:07:39,233 --> 00:07:40,303 PLAYING VIDEO GAMES IS FUN. 166 00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:42,373 ACCORDING TO HIS SCHOOL BUS DRIVER, 167 00:07:42,400 --> 00:07:44,870 HE ALSO THINKS PASSING GAS IS FUN. 168 00:07:44,900 --> 00:07:46,200 - IT WAS A ACCIDENT. 169 00:07:46,233 --> 00:07:47,673 - WE LAUGH WHEN IT HAPPENS. 170 00:07:47,700 --> 00:07:50,330 - CHRISTIAN NOW FEARS HIS FLATULENCE. 171 00:07:50,367 --> 00:07:53,067 IF HE'S CAUGHT PASSING GAS ON THE BUS AGAIN, 172 00:07:53,067 --> 00:07:54,427 HE COULD GET DETENTION. 173 00:07:54,467 --> 00:07:56,597 - DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH MORE GAS HE HAS. 174 00:07:56,633 --> 00:07:59,203 - THAT'S CHRISTIAN AND HE WAS CONCEIVED IN A DUTCH OVEN. 175 00:07:59,233 --> 00:08:01,603 HIS GAS IS SO BAD THAT WHEN HE LETS ONE RIP, 176 00:08:01,633 --> 00:08:03,673 IT'S THE LEAD STORY ON THE LOCAL NEWS. 177 00:08:03,700 --> 00:08:06,530 A SCHOOL BUS IS THE PERFECT PLACE TO PLAY THE STINK WHISTLE. 178 00:08:06,567 --> 00:08:07,797 YOU THINK HE'S GONNA FLOAT AN AIR BISCUIT 179 00:08:07,833 --> 00:08:09,833 IN SCIENCE CLASS AROUND ALL THOSE BUNSEN BURNERS? 180 00:08:09,867 --> 00:08:11,297 THAT'S DANGEROUS. 181 00:08:11,333 --> 00:08:13,303 IT'S NOT FAIR THAT THE HUSKY KIDS ALWAYS GET ACCUSED 182 00:08:13,333 --> 00:08:15,733 OF UNLEASHING A THUNDER DUMPLING. 183 00:08:15,767 --> 00:08:17,197 IT'S NOT THAT THEY FART MORE. 184 00:08:17,233 --> 00:08:20,373 THEIR ASSES JUST HAVE AMAZING ACOUSTICS. 185 00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,800 BLOWING THE MUD TRUMPET IS A GAMBLE EACH TIME. 186 00:08:22,833 --> 00:08:25,373 IS IT GONNA BE HILARIOUS OR AM I GONNA BE WALKING AROUND 187 00:08:25,400 --> 00:08:27,930 WITH A PUDDING HAMMOCK IN MY PANTS? 188 00:08:27,967 --> 00:08:29,727 EVERYBODY BUTT-BURPS. 189 00:08:29,767 --> 00:08:31,897 IT'S YOUR BODY'S SMELLY WHISPER TO THE WORLD. 190 00:08:31,933 --> 00:08:33,073 ATTENTION, EVERYONE. 191 00:08:33,100 --> 00:08:34,500 IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN, 192 00:08:34,533 --> 00:08:36,833 THERE'S A HUGE LOG OF [bleep] SWIMMING INSIDE OF ME. 193 00:08:36,867 --> 00:08:39,797 YOU SHOULD APPRECIATE IT AS YOU WOULD A GLASS OF WINE. 194 00:08:39,833 --> 00:08:41,833 SO TAKE IN THAT FULL-BODY FLATULENCE 195 00:08:41,867 --> 00:08:43,827 WITH IT'S RICH BOUQUET OF RANCID CHEESE 196 00:08:43,867 --> 00:08:46,727 AND A HINT OF VLADE DIVAC'S GYM BAG. 197 00:08:46,767 --> 00:08:49,067 FARTING IS FUNNY, AND GIRLS DON'T FART. 198 00:08:49,100 --> 00:08:50,430 YOU DO THE MATH. 199 00:08:50,467 --> 00:08:52,867 MAYBE IF YOU DID FIRE OUT OF YOUR BROWN BALLOON KNOT, 200 00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:55,970 I'D WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU MORE THAN SIX MINUTES A DAY. 201 00:08:56,067 --> 00:08:59,067 INSTEAD, WOMEN QUEEF, WHICH IS UTTERLY DISGUSTING 202 00:08:59,067 --> 00:09:01,597 AND NOT A LAUGHING MATTER. 203 00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,603 LADIES, KNOCK IT OFF WITH YOUR POON POOTS. 204 00:09:03,633 --> 00:09:06,503 WE DON'T WANT SEX INTERRUPTED WITH YOUR VAGINA'S IMPRESSION 205 00:09:06,533 --> 00:09:08,803 OF A CLOGGED WET-DRY VAC. 206 00:09:08,833 --> 00:09:11,733 IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM FAIR THAT CHRISTIAN GOT IN TROUBLE 207 00:09:11,767 --> 00:09:14,197 FOR DOING SOMETHING THAT GAVE MIKE MYERS A CAREER. 208 00:09:14,233 --> 00:09:16,873 HE DIDN'T DESERVE TO GET THROWN UNDER THE FART BUS, 209 00:09:16,900 --> 00:09:18,970 SO WE'VE BROUGHT HIM OUT TO L.A. TO CLEAR THE AIR 210 00:09:19,067 --> 00:09:20,127 IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION. 211 00:09:20,167 --> 00:09:24,167 [cheers and applause] 212 00:09:28,667 --> 00:09:30,067 [sighs] 213 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,070 ALL RIGHT, THAT IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. 214 00:09:32,100 --> 00:09:34,170 I JUST ENJOY SPANKING KIDS WITH A PADDLE. 215 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:35,430 NOW GET IN HERE, FARTSY. 216 00:09:35,467 --> 00:09:37,867 HAVE A SEAT, CHRISTIAN. 217 00:09:37,900 --> 00:09:38,970 - [flatulence] 218 00:09:39,067 --> 00:09:41,627 - OH, THAT'S RICH! 219 00:09:41,667 --> 00:09:44,297 GIVE ME THAT. 220 00:09:44,333 --> 00:09:46,733 [flatulence] 221 00:09:46,767 --> 00:09:48,867 WHY ARE YOU SO GASSY? 222 00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:50,070 - I DON'T KNOW. [flatulence] 223 00:09:50,067 --> 00:09:51,267 - CAN YOU SPEAK UP? 224 00:09:51,300 --> 00:09:52,270 I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER-- 225 00:09:52,300 --> 00:09:53,300 - I DON'T KNOW. [flatulence] 226 00:09:53,333 --> 00:09:54,703 - ONE MORE TIME. 227 00:09:54,733 --> 00:09:56,273 - I DON'T KNOW. [flatulence] 228 00:09:56,300 --> 00:10:02,300 [varying flatulence continues] 229 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,130 - IT REALLY DOES STILL MAKE ME LAUGH. 230 00:10:06,167 --> 00:10:07,497 I DON'T CARE HOW OLD YOU GET. 231 00:10:07,533 --> 00:10:08,703 THAT'S JUST GOOD FUN. 232 00:10:08,733 --> 00:10:10,773 TELL ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS, CHRISTIAN, 233 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,530 WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY. 234 00:10:12,567 --> 00:10:14,597 - I JUST FARTED ON THE BUS. 235 00:10:14,633 --> 00:10:17,533 - HOW DID PEOPLE REACT WHEN YOU FARTED ON THE BUS? 236 00:10:17,567 --> 00:10:19,067 - THEY STARTED LAUGHING. 237 00:10:19,100 --> 00:10:20,970 - DID THEY POINT AT YOU AND SAY, "HE DID IT"? 238 00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:22,070 - MM-HMM. 239 00:10:22,100 --> 00:10:23,370 - HOW OLD WAS THE BUS DRIVER? 240 00:10:23,400 --> 00:10:25,730 - 43. - A WOMAN OR MAN? 241 00:10:25,767 --> 00:10:26,797 - WOMAN. 242 00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:28,533 - WOMEN DON'T APPRECIATE FARTS. 243 00:10:28,567 --> 00:10:29,867 THEY NEVER WILL. 244 00:10:29,900 --> 00:10:31,730 DID THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MAKE FUN OF YOU AFTER THIS? 245 00:10:31,767 --> 00:10:33,567 - "FART BOY." - THEY CALL YOU "FART BOY"? 246 00:10:33,600 --> 00:10:35,800 THAT'S NOT A BAD NICKNAME. DO YOU LIKE IT OR NO? 247 00:10:35,833 --> 00:10:37,003 - I THOUGHT IT WAS PRETTY FUNNY. 248 00:10:37,033 --> 00:10:39,203 - I KIND OF LIKE IT TOO. "FART BOY." 249 00:10:39,233 --> 00:10:40,633 MAYBE ONE DAY YOU'LL GROW INTO FART MAN. 250 00:10:40,667 --> 00:10:43,027 - YEP. - THEN FART GRANDPA. 251 00:10:43,067 --> 00:10:44,967 - [flatulence] - DID YOU JUST FART? 252 00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:46,970 - NO. - I THINK YOU DID. 253 00:10:47,000 --> 00:10:49,530 POSSIBLY? - I MOVED MY LEG AND-- 254 00:10:49,567 --> 00:10:52,597 - AH, WELL, MAKE YOUR LEG MAKE THAT NOISE AGAIN. 255 00:10:52,633 --> 00:10:54,003 OH, THAT'S WEIRD HOW IT DOESN'T WORK NOW. 256 00:10:54,033 --> 00:10:56,973 EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT YOUR FART SMELT LIKE THAT DAY. 257 00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,100 - I DON'T KNOW. 258 00:10:58,133 --> 00:10:59,873 - HAVE YOU EVER CRAPPED YOUR PANTS? 259 00:10:59,900 --> 00:11:01,070 - NO. 260 00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,230 - THREE TIMES AS AN ADULT, 261 00:11:03,267 --> 00:11:04,597 I'VE CRAPPED MY PANTS. 262 00:11:04,633 --> 00:11:05,803 DO YOU LIKE SMELLING YOUR OWN FARTS? 263 00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:06,933 YOU EVER TRY TO LIGHT YOUR FART? 264 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:08,567 DO YOU ONLY FART ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION? 265 00:11:08,600 --> 00:11:10,330 ARE YOU A WET OR DRY DEALER? 266 00:11:10,367 --> 00:11:12,197 I GET STAINS IN MY UNDERWEAR. I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU. 267 00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:15,073 SINCE THIS INCIDENT, HAVE YOU STARTED DOING KEGEL EXERCISES? 268 00:11:15,067 --> 00:11:17,067 WOULD YOU CONSIDER CHILI A CEREAL? 269 00:11:17,067 --> 00:11:18,467 DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE THREE O'CLOCK HIGH? 270 00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:19,600 - NO. 271 00:11:19,633 --> 00:11:21,173 - ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW THIS IS VERY SERIOUS. 272 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,130 THAT'S WHY I CALLED YOUR FATHER DOWN HERE. 273 00:11:23,167 --> 00:11:25,397 ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT THAT? - NO. 274 00:11:25,433 --> 00:11:27,433 - THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THESE KIDS TODAY. 275 00:11:27,467 --> 00:11:29,067 SEND IN MR. SUMMER. 276 00:11:29,100 --> 00:11:32,530 NOW! 277 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:36,297 HELLO. - HELLO. 278 00:11:36,333 --> 00:11:38,403 - [flatulence] 279 00:11:38,433 --> 00:11:41,173 DO YOU MIND IF I "ASS" YOU A FEW QUESTIONS? 280 00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,730 - RIGHT. 281 00:11:42,767 --> 00:11:44,667 - WHAT'S YOUR FART POLICY IN THE HOUSEHOLD? 282 00:11:44,700 --> 00:11:47,130 - WE'RE GUYS. WE DO IT. 283 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,567 - WOULD YOU SAY YOUR SON IS A CHIP OFF THE OLD BUTT? 284 00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:51,300 - ABSOLUTELY. 285 00:11:51,333 --> 00:11:54,473 - WERE YOU SURPRISED AT HOW POPULAR THE VIDEO BECAME? 286 00:11:54,500 --> 00:11:56,070 - IN A WAY, YES, I WAS. 287 00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,567 - WHAT IS EMILY VALDEZ UP TO? 288 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:00,500 SHE SEEMS LIKE QUITE A NUMBER. 289 00:12:00,533 --> 00:12:02,203 - YEAH, SHE IS PRETTY HOT. 290 00:12:02,233 --> 00:12:03,873 - WAS SHE PRETTY IN PERSON? 291 00:12:03,900 --> 00:12:04,870 - CROOKED EYE. 292 00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:05,870 - SHE HAD A CROOKED EYE? 293 00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,400 - [laughs] 294 00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:08,833 - OOH, I'LL BE HONEST WITH YOU. 295 00:12:08,867 --> 00:12:10,067 THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO HEAR. 296 00:12:10,067 --> 00:12:11,367 COMPLETE DEAL BREAKER. 297 00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,700 - THAT'S THE FIRST THING HE NOTICED. 298 00:12:12,733 --> 00:12:14,573 - THAT'S WHAT YOU NEED IN A WINGMAN. 299 00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:15,700 YOU NEED SOMEBODY LIKE THAT. 300 00:12:15,733 --> 00:12:17,303 - YEAH, EXACTLY. 301 00:12:17,333 --> 00:12:19,433 - ALL RIGHT, ALL THIS FART TALK HAS GOT ME HUNGRY. 302 00:12:19,467 --> 00:12:21,267 SOMETIMES I LIKE TO TAKE A STUDENT OFF CAMPUS 303 00:12:21,300 --> 00:12:23,500 JUST TO GET TO KNOW THEM ON A MORE PERSONAL LEVEL. 304 00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:24,503 LET'S MAKE A RUN FOR THE BORDER. 305 00:12:24,533 --> 00:12:26,633 - DO I HAVE TO? - YES! 306 00:12:26,667 --> 00:12:29,797 I'M TELLING YOU, GET IN THERE ON THE BEANS. 307 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:31,473 THIS IS THINKING OUTSIDE THE BUN. 308 00:12:31,500 --> 00:12:33,100 THIS IS A SOLID FOURTH MEAL. 309 00:12:33,133 --> 00:12:35,473 MMM! 310 00:12:35,500 --> 00:12:36,630 YOU SLOWING DOWN? 311 00:12:36,667 --> 00:12:37,897 - NO. 312 00:12:37,933 --> 00:12:41,273 - I LIKE TO EAT HEAVY AND I'M GOOD TO GO. 313 00:12:41,300 --> 00:12:42,430 - ALL RIGHT, THIS MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN THE BEST MEAL, 314 00:12:42,467 --> 00:12:43,497 BUT WE DON'T WANT TO MISS THE BUS. 315 00:12:43,533 --> 00:12:44,803 YOU WANT TO GET A BURRITO TO GO? 316 00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:48,773 MAKE IT TWO! 317 00:12:48,800 --> 00:12:52,070 YEAH, SHORT BUS. 318 00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:54,227 I DON'T LIKE TO BE BEHIND YOU. 319 00:12:58,167 --> 00:12:59,197 ALL RIGHT, THE WORLD WANTS TO KNOW. 320 00:12:59,233 --> 00:13:00,433 YOU READY TO GIVE IT ANOTHER SHOT? 321 00:13:00,467 --> 00:13:01,727 - YES, I AM. [flatulence] 322 00:13:01,767 --> 00:13:03,467 - GET TO THE BACK OF THE BUS. 323 00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:05,530 YOU KNOW THE RULES. 324 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:08,067 NOT YOU. THE FARTER. 325 00:13:08,067 --> 00:13:09,627 - OOH-WHOO! 326 00:13:09,667 --> 00:13:12,067 SMELL LIKE DEATH BACK HERE! 327 00:13:12,067 --> 00:13:13,067 - COME BACK HERE. 328 00:13:13,067 --> 00:13:14,167 WE'LL MAKE ROOM FOR YOU. 329 00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:15,830 - HOW COME EVERY TIME I COME ON THE BUS, 330 00:13:15,867 --> 00:13:17,797 YOU ON THE BUS WITH THAT LITTLE RAT? 331 00:13:17,833 --> 00:13:19,373 LOOK AT THIS FILTHY-ASS DOG. 332 00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:22,070 WHOO! OH, GOD. 333 00:13:22,067 --> 00:13:23,727 YOU SMELL LIKE A BUFFALO. 334 00:13:23,767 --> 00:13:25,367 WHAT YOU FEEDING THAT STINKING DOG? 335 00:13:25,400 --> 00:13:27,470 HE SMELL LIKE BUTTERMILK AND SARDINES. 336 00:13:27,500 --> 00:13:28,600 YOU SUPPOSED TO BE POOTING. 337 00:13:28,633 --> 00:13:30,603 A WOMAN SUPPOSED TO POOT, NOT FART. 338 00:13:30,633 --> 00:13:31,803 DON'T NOBODY COME IN THE FART SECTION 339 00:13:31,833 --> 00:13:33,573 FOR THE NEXT 35 TO 45 MINUTES! 340 00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,570 - GET TO THE BACK OF THE BUS. 341 00:13:42,167 --> 00:13:45,667 - NO, I WILL NOT. 342 00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:47,630 I HAVE A DREAM 343 00:13:47,667 --> 00:13:50,527 THAT SOMEDAY, PEOPLE WILL NOT BE JUDGED 344 00:13:50,567 --> 00:13:52,367 BY THE SMELL OF THEIR FARTS, 345 00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:55,200 BUT BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR COLON. 346 00:13:55,233 --> 00:13:56,433 - PREACH! 347 00:13:56,467 --> 00:13:59,067 - I HAVE A DREAM THAT ONE DAY, 348 00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:03,470 HE WHO SMELT IT WON'T BE AFRAID THAT HE ALSO DEALT IT. 349 00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,630 I HAVE A DREAM THAT WHEN WE LET FARTS RING, 350 00:14:06,667 --> 00:14:11,227 WE WILL BE ABLE JOIN HANDS AND SING IN THE WORDS 351 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,367 OF THE OLD FARTING SPIRITUAL. 352 00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:15,200 FART AT LAST. FART AT LAST. 353 00:14:15,233 --> 00:14:18,903 THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, WE SHALL FART AT LAST. 354 00:14:18,933 --> 00:14:20,133 [cheers and applause] 355 00:14:20,167 --> 00:14:21,867 - LET US OUT! LET US OUT! 356 00:14:21,900 --> 00:14:23,600 - WHOO! 357 00:14:23,633 --> 00:14:26,333 [flatulence] AH! 358 00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:28,067 OH, MAN! 359 00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:29,100 THAT ONE'S WET. 360 00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:32,833 I THINK I [bleep] MYSELF. 361 00:14:32,867 --> 00:14:36,767 HAVE I MENTIONED THAT WE ARE EMMY-CONSIDERED? 362 00:14:36,800 --> 00:14:42,170 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST, INCOMING. 363 00:14:42,200 --> 00:14:43,700 - MISSED THE TOP. 364 00:14:43,733 --> 00:14:45,473 [audience ohs] 365 00:14:45,500 --> 00:14:48,170 [laughter] 366 00:14:48,200 --> 00:14:50,870 [applause] 367 00:14:53,633 --> 00:14:55,773 - HAVE YOU EVER HAD A DREAMS THAT'S-- 368 00:14:55,800 --> 00:14:58,870 THAT YOU--UM, YOU HAD-- YOU--YOU WE-- 369 00:14:58,900 --> 00:15:02,330 YOU COULD--YOU DO--YOU WI-- YOU WANTS--YOU-- 370 00:15:02,367 --> 00:15:05,397 YOU COULD DO SO-- YOU--YOU DO--YOU COULD-- 371 00:15:05,433 --> 00:15:06,903 YOU--YOU WANTED-- 372 00:15:06,933 --> 00:15:11,573 YOU WANT HIM TO DO YOU SO MUCH YOU COULD DO ANYTHING? 373 00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,430 - I COULDN'T HAVE PUT IT BETTER MYSELF. 374 00:15:14,467 --> 00:15:16,797 THERE IS SO MUCH NEGATIVITY ON THE INTERNET. 375 00:15:16,833 --> 00:15:19,573 IT'S REFRESHING TO SEE SOMEBODY WITH A POSITIVE ATTITUDE. 376 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:22,200 BEFORE EACH SHOW, I WATCH THIS NEXT VIDEO 377 00:15:22,233 --> 00:15:23,733 TO MOTIVATE ME TO COME OUT HERE 378 00:15:23,767 --> 00:15:26,167 AND BRING HUMOR TO YOU MISERABLE BASTARDS. 379 00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:28,270 MAYBE IT'LL HELP YOU AS MUCH AS IT'S HELPED ME. 380 00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:31,270 [inspiring music] 381 00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:37,300 * 382 00:16:01,300 --> 00:16:03,070 IF THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU WANT TO GO OUT 383 00:16:03,067 --> 00:16:06,197 AND GLUE A MONKEY TO A DOG, I DON'T KNOW WHAT WILL. 384 00:16:06,233 --> 00:16:07,503 IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU 385 00:16:07,533 --> 00:16:09,073 THAT YOU CAN ACHIEVE ANYTHING IN LIFE. 386 00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:10,900 LOOK AT WHAT OLIVIA MUNN HAS ACCOMPLISHED. 387 00:16:10,933 --> 00:16:13,103 SHE'S A SLIGHTLY ABOVE-AVERAGE-LOOKING GIRL 388 00:16:13,133 --> 00:16:15,603 WHO PLAYED A VIDEO GAME ONCE AND NOW HAS TRICKED THE WORLD 389 00:16:15,633 --> 00:16:17,433 INTO BELIEVING SHE DESERVES THE TOP SPOT 390 00:16:17,467 --> 00:16:20,067 IN AN IRRELEVANT PG PORN MAGAZINE. 391 00:16:20,100 --> 00:16:21,670 ONLY IN AMERICA. 392 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:23,270 MAYBE I'M WRONG, BUT I PREFER SOMEONE 393 00:16:23,300 --> 00:16:24,900 WHO'S PRETTY OR TALENTED. 394 00:16:24,933 --> 00:16:26,803 YOU WANT INSPIRATIONAL AND SEX APPEAL? 395 00:16:26,833 --> 00:16:28,133 YOU GUYS CAN KEEP OLIVIA. 396 00:16:28,167 --> 00:16:29,867 I'M ROLLING WITH A NEW HIP-HOP ARTIST 397 00:16:29,900 --> 00:16:32,130 THAT REALLY PUTS THINGS INTO PERSPECTIVE. 398 00:16:32,167 --> 00:16:34,967 PLEASE WELCOME M.C. CRIPPLE WITH SWAGG. 399 00:16:35,067 --> 00:16:36,967 [rap music] 400 00:16:37,067 --> 00:16:38,767 - * I'VE HAD SEX WITH NORMIES 401 00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,770 * THEY WERE PELTING MY ASS 402 00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,170 * AND ONCE THEY GO CRIPPLE 403 00:16:42,200 --> 00:16:44,570 * WELL, THEY JUST AIN'T NEVER BEEN BACK * 404 00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:46,630 * MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED 405 00:16:46,667 --> 00:16:48,727 * VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED 406 00:16:48,767 --> 00:16:50,327 * SO WHAT? I CAN'T WALK * 407 00:16:50,367 --> 00:16:52,597 * MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED 408 00:16:52,633 --> 00:16:54,703 * VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED 409 00:16:54,733 --> 00:16:58,103 * VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED 410 00:16:58,133 --> 00:17:02,073 - "MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED. 411 00:17:02,067 --> 00:17:03,797 "SO WHAT? I CAN'T WALK. 412 00:17:03,833 --> 00:17:06,903 MY VAGINA AIN'T HANDICAPPED." 413 00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:10,573 PLEASE DON'T BE DISRESPECTFUL AND DANCE TO THAT SONG. 414 00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,530 BE SURE TO GO TO OUR BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP 415 00:17:12,567 --> 00:17:14,197 FOR A CHANCE TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO. 416 00:17:14,233 --> 00:17:16,633 THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US FROM THE OTHER OTHER GUYS. 417 00:17:16,667 --> 00:17:19,367 - FIRST OF ALL, CONGRATULATIONS ON WINNING 418 00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:20,730 THE TWINS OF THE YEAR AWARD. 419 00:17:20,767 --> 00:17:22,867 - THANK YOU. WE'RE VERY HONORED. 420 00:17:22,900 --> 00:17:25,970 - SO HOW WOULD YOU TWO DESCRIBE YOUR RELATIONSHIP? 421 00:17:26,067 --> 00:17:28,427 - WE'RE JUST TOTALLY CONNECTED, YOU KNOW? 422 00:17:28,467 --> 00:17:30,597 OUR BRAINS ARE SO IN TUNE WITH EACH OTHER. 423 00:17:30,633 --> 00:17:32,273 - TOTALLY. - IT'S CRAZY. 424 00:17:32,300 --> 00:17:34,230 SOMETIMES WE EVEN FINISH EACH OTHER'S SENTENCES. 425 00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:37,767 - [bleep] 426 00:17:37,800 --> 00:17:39,970 - I CUNT BELIEVE THEY BLEEPED THAT OUT. 427 00:17:40,067 --> 00:17:41,767 WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE CUNT. 428 00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:45,800 [applause] 429 00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:53,700 [applause] 430 00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:55,233 - WELCOME BACK. 431 00:17:55,267 --> 00:17:56,697 HOPE YOU'RE ENJOYING YOUR SUMMER VACATION. 432 00:17:56,733 --> 00:18:00,073 I DON'T GET ONE, BECAUSE I'M ADULT. 433 00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:02,327 NEXT WEEK, THE PHILLY TASE FAN GETS A WEB REDEMPTION. 434 00:18:08,133 --> 00:18:11,203 WHEN ARE WE JUST GONNA REDEEM THE ENTIRE CITY OF PHILLY? 435 00:18:11,233 --> 00:18:12,633 HEY, BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER 436 00:18:12,667 --> 00:18:14,197 SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOWS. 437 00:18:14,233 --> 00:18:15,373 KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG 438 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:17,130 OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM. 439 00:18:17,167 --> 00:18:19,527 TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR MY NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE. 440 00:18:19,567 --> 00:18:22,597 AND TOSH.0 WILL BE SPONSORING ITS FIRST-EVER MARATHON 441 00:18:22,633 --> 00:18:24,073 IN HERMOSA BEACH JULY 8TH. 442 00:18:24,067 --> 00:18:26,067 PLEASE COME OUT AND SHOW YOUR SUPPORT. 443 00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:27,627 AND FINALLY, A LOT OF CELEBRITIES 444 00:18:27,667 --> 00:18:29,467 KEEP IN TOUCH WITH THEIR FANS THROUGH TWITTER, 445 00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:31,170 BUT I LIKE TO BE A LITTLE MORE PERSONAL. 446 00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:32,500 SO I TWEETED OUT MY PHONE NUMBER 447 00:18:32,533 --> 00:18:34,873 AND LET YOU CALL ME AT WORK TO ASK ME ANYTHING. 448 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:36,330 [phone rings] 449 00:18:36,367 --> 00:18:38,697 HEY, WHAT'S UP? 450 00:18:38,733 --> 00:18:41,133 YEAH. 451 00:18:41,167 --> 00:18:44,197 [dial tone] 452 00:18:44,233 --> 00:18:45,673 I'VE NEVER DONE GAY PORN. 453 00:18:45,700 --> 00:18:48,070 NOW, HAVE I EVER FILMED MYSELF MAKING LOVE TO ANOTHER MAN? 454 00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,527 THAT'S A DIFFERENT QUESTION, BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK THAT. 455 00:18:50,567 --> 00:18:51,867 HELLO? - WHO IS THIS? 456 00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:53,430 - THIS IS DANIEL. WHO IS THIS? 457 00:18:53,467 --> 00:18:56,597 - OH, MY GOD! 458 00:18:56,633 --> 00:18:58,803 I CAN'T HAVE THIS CONVERSATION. 459 00:18:58,833 --> 00:19:01,903 I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE 12 OR NOT. 460 00:19:01,933 --> 00:19:03,803 OH, WELL, THEN IT'S 7 INCHES. 461 00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:07,473 [dial tone] 462 00:19:07,500 --> 00:19:10,500 THANK YOU, DEON. 463 00:19:13,967 --> 00:19:16,067 I APPRECIATE THAT I HAVE THE SUPPORT OF YOU 464 00:19:16,067 --> 00:19:17,767 AND ALL OF THE BLACK FOLKS. 465 00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,730 [phone rings] 466 00:19:21,767 --> 00:19:23,527 UGH. 467 00:19:23,567 --> 00:19:27,327 I THINK--I THINK I'D GO STRAWBERRY. 468 00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,527 DO YOU KNOW THERE'S LESS CALORIES 469 00:19:28,567 --> 00:19:29,867 IN STRAWBERRY CALYPSO LEMONADE 470 00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:31,070 THAN IN REGULAR LEMONADE? 471 00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:33,397 TELL ME WHAT A [bleep] MIND FREAK THAT IS. 472 00:19:33,433 --> 00:19:38,473 [phone rings] HELLO? 473 00:19:38,500 --> 00:19:39,770 [bleep], A LITTLE. 474 00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:40,800 [phone rings] 475 00:19:40,833 --> 00:19:44,533 HELLO? 476 00:19:44,567 --> 00:19:47,367 WHAT'S YOUR QUESTION, BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE? 477 00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:50,400 - UH... 478 00:19:50,433 --> 00:19:51,703 - [laughs] 479 00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,133 WHERE AM I BASED OUT OF? 480 00:19:53,167 --> 00:19:54,327 ARE YOU A MANIAC? 481 00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:55,397 WELL, LET ME TELL YOU, 482 00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:58,533 MY BASE CAMP IS HERE IN CALIFORNIA. 483 00:19:58,567 --> 00:20:00,067 THAT IS SO TIGHT. 484 00:20:00,067 --> 00:20:01,097 [phone rings] - HELLO? 485 00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:06,233 - HEY, IT'S DANIEL. WHAT'S UP? 486 00:20:09,567 --> 00:20:12,227 FIVE MINUTES UNDER THE RECOMMENDED BAKING TIME 487 00:20:12,267 --> 00:20:14,367 AND THEN LET THEM SIT ON THE SHEET 488 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:16,970 FOR A GOOD THREE TO FOUR MINUTES BEFORE YOU SCOOP THEM OFF. 489 00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:20,770 I REALLY DO. 490 00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,000 YOU KNOW WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT? 491 00:20:22,033 --> 00:20:24,233 I WENT CRAZY UNDERDONE 492 00:20:24,267 --> 00:20:26,797 AND THEN ROLLED THEM IN A FRESH CREPE, 493 00:20:26,833 --> 00:20:29,773 UH, AND THEN PUT POWDERED SUGAR, 494 00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:32,070 A LITTLE CHOCOLATE SYRUP, SOME WHIPPED CREAM, 495 00:20:32,100 --> 00:20:34,900 AND STRAWBERRIES, AND BLEW MY MIND. 496 00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:38,503 THEN SHORTLY AFTER THAT, BLEW MY B-HOLE. 497 00:20:38,533 --> 00:20:39,573 [phone rings] 498 00:20:39,600 --> 00:20:44,030 HEY, WHAT'S UP? 499 00:20:44,067 --> 00:20:47,167 I AM NOT DATING ANYONE AND THERE IS A CHANCE 500 00:20:47,200 --> 00:20:51,200 THAT YOU COULD DATE ME. 501 00:20:51,233 --> 00:20:53,573 NO. 502 00:20:53,600 --> 00:20:54,570 [laughter and applause] 503 00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:56,170 THAT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL. 504 00:20:56,200 --> 00:20:58,500 I MET SOMEONE SPECIAL AND SHE'S HERE WITH ME TONIGHT. 505 00:20:58,533 --> 00:21:00,073 SEE YOU NEXT WEEK. 506 00:21:00,067 --> 00:21:05,067 [cheers and applause] 507 00:21:12,933 --> 00:21:13,903 - HAVE YOU EVER CRAPPED YOUR PANTS? 508 00:21:13,933 --> 00:21:15,073 - NO. 509 00:21:15,067 --> 00:21:17,067 - THREE TIMES AS AN ADULT, 510 00:21:17,067 --> 00:21:18,097 I'VE CRAPPED MY PANTS. 511 00:21:18,133 --> 00:21:20,333 ONE LA CROSSE, WISCONSIN, 512 00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:23,967 ONE AUSTIN, TEXAS, AND ONE IN MY KITCHEN. 513 00:21:24,067 --> 00:21:25,967 THAT ONE I'M NOT PROUD ABOUT. 514 00:21:26,067 --> 00:21:29,127 THAT'S WHY I NORMALLY WEAR A DARKER PAIR OF UNDERWEAR. 515 00:21:29,167 --> 00:21:30,127 YOU EVER TRY TO LIGHT YOUR FART? 516 00:21:30,167 --> 00:21:32,227 - NO. - YOU SHOULDN'T DO THAT. 517 00:21:32,267 --> 00:21:34,497 I HAVE TO SAY THAT 'CAUSE WE'RE ON TV. 518 00:21:34,533 --> 00:21:38,333 NOW, THE REALITY IS IT'S REALLY TRICKY TO DO. 519 00:21:38,367 --> 00:21:41,367 YOU NEED A GOOD FRIEND. THAT'S WHAT I SAY. 37186

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