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[CLAPPI
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[CLAPPING]
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>> I SPY SOMETHING MADE OF WOOD.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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A 30-MINUTE ESCAPE FROM YOUR
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CRUMMY LIVES.
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BY THE WAY, I'VE BEEN CLEAN AND
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SOBER FOR SIX DAYS
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THANK YOU.
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I'M KIDDING.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW
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THIS CHEER SQUAD GETS A WEB
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REDEMPTION
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WE TAKE A LESSON FROM MY
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FAVORITE NEW SEXPERT
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AND I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA TO
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MAKE YOU EAT BUTTER.
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NOW SERIOUSLY, CAN ANYONE TELL
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ME WHY THIS GUY WAS FILMING IN
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THE FIRST PLACE?
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THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU
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DRIVE TOO CLOSE TO HACKSAW JIM
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DUGGAN.
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YOU THINK THAT'S SCARY?
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IMAGINE GETTING HOME AND
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REALIZING YOU'RE A 2X4 SHY OF
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FINISHING YOUR DECK.
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WHY CAN'T THAT HAPPEN WHEN MY
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GIRLFRIEND'S IN THE CAR?
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BECAUSE SHE'S A VAMPIRE, AND
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SHE'S 4,000 YEARS OLD, AND SHE
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WANTS TO DIE.
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I'M A LONG PIECE OF WOOD COMING
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THROUGH YOUR WINDSHIELD.
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BOOM!
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IF YOU HAD ALLSTATE YOU'D BE
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BETTER PROTECTED FROM MAYHEM
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LIKE ME.
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ALRIGHT.
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NOW GIVE ME FREE CAR INSURANCE
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FOR AT LEAST A YEAR.
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THIS NEXT GUY HAS THE EYE OF THE
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TIGER.
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>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
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REAL MATURE, TIGER.
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IT'S NICE TO FINALLY SEE HOBBES
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PISSING ON SOMETHING FOR A
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CHANGE.
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THAT'S HOW TONY FROSTS HIS
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FLAKES.
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TIGER WOODS DID THE SAME THING
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TO A LOT OF GIRLS
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NOW HE SUCKS AT GOLF.
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THAT REALLY IS AN EFFECTIVE WAY
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TO MARK YOUR TERRITORY.
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>> THAT'S MY COOKIE.
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>> WHATEVER.
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THIS IS MINE.
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CAN YOU SET ME UP?
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>> YEP.
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THAT IS THE SECOND BIGGEST LOAD
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OF PISS EVER SHOT ON CARLY.
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HERE'S WHY JUMPING FROM THE
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SNACK SHACK IS NOT ALLOWED.
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HEY, I ASSUME THE STANDS ARE
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EMPTY BECAUSE THEY'RE AT A
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BASEBALL GAME.
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HE'S GONNA TRY TO MAKE IT TO THE
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FENCE AND GRAB ON TO IT.
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WHO WANTS ACTION?
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FOR THAT TO HAVE WORKED YOU HAVE
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TO BE BITTEN BY A RADIOACTIVE
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SPIDER.
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LOOKS LIKE HE'LL BE LANDING IN
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HANDICAPPED SPOTS FROM NOW ON.
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AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR THE MAIN
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EVENT, THE MUFFIN TOPS ON THE
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PILLOW TOP.
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FIRST ONE TO EJACULATE WINS.
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IF YOU TOOK A BLACK LIGHT TO
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THAT ROOM IT WOULD GLOW LIKE THE
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SUN.
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I WOULD SAY THIS VIDEO'S GAY BUT
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THERE'S NO BED SKIRT ON THAT
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MATTRESS.
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SO IT'S NOT GAY.
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I BET THAT MEMORY FOAM WISHES IT
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COULD FORGET THIS.
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THAT'S NOTHING.
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I HAD A ROYAL RUMBLE ON MY BED
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LAST NIGHT.
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I REALLY DID.
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THAT'S A GREAT WAY TO GET IN
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SHAPE.
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MICHELLE OBAMA WOULD BE PROUD.
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ALRIGHT.
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YOU GUYS WANT TO SEE AN OLD MAN
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GET STRUCK BY LIGHTENING?
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YOU WANTED TO SEE IT
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HEY, THAT WILL PROBABLY NEVER
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HAPPEN TO HIM AGAIN.
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EVEN GOD GETS IMPATIENT WHEN OLD
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PEOPLE ARE IN THE CROSSWALK.
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ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, HIS IPHONE
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IS FULLY CHARGED NOW.
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ALRIGHT, THAT WAS ACTUALLY MY
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FAULT.
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I COULD HAVE STOPPED IT.
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[SCREAMI
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[SCREAMING]
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>> SORRY I'M LATE.
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I MISSED IT?
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>> WHERE ARE WE GOING TO FIND
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21.1 GIG WATTS AGAIN.
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>> OH, THAT'S HEAVY.
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COME ON DOC, DOC.
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JUST SO YOU KNOW, WE'RE FOUR
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YEARS AWAY FROM HOVERBOARDS?
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2015.
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MARK YOUR CALENDARS.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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TWO TEENAGE BOYS AND A MASSIVE
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SEX TOY?
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THAT'S EITHER A PARTY AT BRADLEY
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COOPER'S HOUSE OR THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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DON'T YOU HATE IT WHEN THERE'S A
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KNOCK AT THE DOOR AND YOU END UP
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GETTING SLAPPED WITH A RUBBER
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DONG?
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DONG?
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AT LEAST IT'S NOT A JEHOVAH'S
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WITNESS.
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THAT IS A GIANT BLACK DILDO.
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OR AS BLACK PEOPLE CALL IT, AN
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AVERAGE BLACK DILDO.
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HOW HUMILIATING.
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YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT BLACK
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MAMBA HAS BEEN.
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KINDA DO.
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SMELLS LIKE MOM.
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ALRIGHT.
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NEVER GET SEPARATED FROM YOUR
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PIECE.
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THAT'S A DIL-DON'T!
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JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT IT
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COULDN'T GET ANYMORE
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HOMOEROTIC.
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I'D BE HAPPY TO TAG IN ANYTIME.
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WHENEVER I SEE SOMEONE GRIP A
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WIENER LIKE THAT, IT'S A SAFE
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BET I'M GONNA LIKE WHAT COMES
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NEXT.
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NO LUBE?
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UH.
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A TRUE FRIEND WOULD SPIT ON IT
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BEFORE HE STARTED RAMMING.
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AND NOW YOU KNOW WHAT PRISON IS
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LIKE.
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I WONDER IF THAT'S HOW HE
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THOUGHT HE'D LOSE HIS VIRGINITY.
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THE LINE BETWEEN PRANK AND RAPE
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IS PRETTY BLURRY RIGHT NOW.
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HEY PAL, CHOKE UP ON THAT THING
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AND EVEN OUT THOSE STROKES OR
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HE'S NOT GONNA FINISH.
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IT'S BETTER TO GIVE THAN TO
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RECEIVE.
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AND THAT DEFINITELY SEEMS TRUE
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WHEN IT COMES TO GETTING
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SODOMIZED BY YOUR BEST FRIEND ON
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THE FRONT LAWN.
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BUT HEY, THAT'S JUST DUDES BEING
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DUDES.
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NOW LET'S NEVER SPEAK OF THIS
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AGAIN.
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AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH THE
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CHEERLEADERS' WEB REDEMPTION BUT
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FIRST
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HERE IS THE COOLEST WAY TO GET
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IN AND OUT OF YOUR CAR.
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[CHEERING]
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AT LEAST THE BRUISE WON'T SHOW
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UP.
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THOSE ARE THE CHEERLEADERS FROM
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WESTFIELD HIGH SCHOOL IN
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HOUSTON, AND THEY ARE REALLY
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AWFUL AT CATCHING.
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WHY ARE CHEERLEADERS EVEN
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NECESSARY?
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OUR TEAM DOESN'T NEED
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ENCOURAGEMENT, IT NEEDS LOTS AND
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LOTS OF TALL BLACK PLAYERS.
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PEP RALLIES ONLY FUN BECAUSE YOU
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GET OUT OF CLASS.
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IF YOU TOLD ME THE WHOLE SCHOOL
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WAS DISMISSED EARLY TO WATCH
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WATER BOIL, I'D CHEER ABOUT THAT
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TOO.
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WHY ARE WE ROOTING FOR THE JOCKS
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AT SCHOOL?
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I'M SUPPOSED TO CHEER FOR THE
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GUY WHO BULLIES EVERYONE AND
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BANGS THE HOT GIRLS?
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NO THANKS.
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THEY NEED A PEP RALLY LATER IN
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LIFE, WHEN THEY GROW UP TO BE
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DEPRESSED ALCOHOLICS WHO CLING
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TO THE PAST.
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I DON'T UNDERSTAND THESE
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STUDENTS WHO GET INVOLVED IN
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EXTRA CURRICULAR ACTIVITIES.
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THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO SHOULD BE AT
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SCHOOL AFTER HOURS ARE THE
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TEACHERS AND ANY STUDENTS THEY
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ARE BANGING.
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STUDENT GOVERNMENT IS POINTLESS.
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IF YOU RUN FOR CLASS PRESIDENT,
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THAT'S REASON ENOUGH FOR ME NOT
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TO VOTE FOR YOU.
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WHAT DO THEY EVEN DO?
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IT'S A PUPPET REGIME!
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THEY HAVE NO REAL POWER.
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GO HOME, WATCH TV, AND COPY YOUR
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HOMEWORK OFF WIKIPEDIA LIKE A
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NORMAL KID.
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I LEFT SCHOOL AT NOON TO SURF
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EVERY DAY AND I'M A MILLIONAIRE.
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BUT SHAWNA'S A GOOD GIRL, WHICH
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IN AN URBAN SCHOOL MEANS SHE
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DOESN'T HAVE HER FINGERNAILS
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SHARPENED TO A POINT.
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AND IF SHE WANTS TO SHOW HER
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SCHOOL SPIRIT, MORE POWER TO
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HER.
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THAT'S WHY I INVITED HER SQUAD
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OUT TO HOLLYWOOD TO BRING IT ON
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IN THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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[CLAPPING]
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>> NICE.
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OH MY GOODNESS.
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WHEN DID THAT VIDEO HAPPEN?
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FALL OF 26.
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WERE YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL?
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YES.
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WE WERE JUNIORS.
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WHY WERE YOU GUYS IN THE PARKING
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LOT.
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WE WERE ACTUALLY DOING A NEWS
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REPORT FOR THE GAME OF THE WEEK.
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>> WHO WAS THE FLYER.
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ME.
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>> WERE YOU EVER ABLE TO CHEER
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AGAIN.
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>> I WAS GOOD.
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I WAS JUST A LITTLE SORT.
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>> TELL US EXACTLY WHAT
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HAPPENED.
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IN A BASKET TOSS.
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YOU'RE GOING TO BE TOSSED IN THE
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AIR.
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I HAD LIKE A PREFLU.
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I WAS REALLY SICK.
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I KNEW I WAS GOING TO FALL.
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I WAS FALLING BACK.
267
00:09:38,133 --> 00:09:39,403
I JUST HAD THE FEELING THEY WERE
268
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,330
GOING TO CATCH ME.
269
00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:43,303
AND THAT'S ALL I REMEMBER.
270
00:09:43,300 --> 00:09:45,570
AND THEN I JUST REMEMBER WAKING.
271
00:09:45,567 --> 00:09:46,627
>> SO YOU BLACKED OUT.
272
00:09:46,633 --> 00:09:48,303
>> I BLACKED OUT.
273
00:09:48,300 --> 00:09:51,170
>> ARE BLACK CHEERLEADERS WAY
274
00:09:51,167 --> 00:09:54,767
BETTER THAN WHITE CHEERLEADERS.
275
00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:57,797
>> THERE IS A VIDEO OF THE
276
00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:58,770
WOODLANDS HIGH SCHOOL.
277
00:09:58,767 --> 00:10:03,027
AND WE HAD A DEEJAY ON OUR SITE.
278
00:10:03,033 --> 00:10:06,903
>> AND THEN THEY WERE SHOWING US
279
00:10:06,900 --> 00:10:08,800
THIS IS WHAT HIGH SCHOOL LOOKS
280
00:10:08,800 --> 00:10:09,100
LIKE.
281
00:10:09,100 --> 00:10:11,070
>> OH YOU GO.
282
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:12,897
>> THEY WERE DOING THE TOOTSIE
283
00:10:12,900 --> 00:10:14,030
WITH THE DEEJAY.
284
00:10:14,033 --> 00:10:16,133
>> THAT PUMPS THE SQUAD UP.
285
00:10:16,133 --> 00:10:17,503
THE FOOTBALL TEAM.
286
00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:19,370
>> WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE SPORT TO
287
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:19,897
CHEER AT.
288
00:10:19,900 --> 00:10:21,100
>> FOOTBALL.
289
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:24,200
FOOTBALL, YEAH.
290
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:27,270
DID ANY OF YOU DATE ANY PLAYERS.
291
00:10:27,267 --> 00:10:29,297
YES IT'S SO EMBARRASSING.
292
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:30,970
>> DID SHE DATE A LOT OF
293
00:10:30,967 --> 00:10:31,327
PLAYERS.
294
00:10:31,333 --> 00:10:32,173
I DATED TWO.
295
00:10:32,167 --> 00:10:33,467
>> WHAT POSITION.
296
00:10:33,467 --> 00:10:35,427
>> I THINK ONE --
297
00:10:35,433 --> 00:10:36,673
>> MISSIONARY.
298
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:38,167
>> NO.
299
00:10:38,167 --> 00:10:41,467
>> ARE MOST MALE CHEERLEADERS
300
00:10:41,467 --> 00:10:41,767
GAY.
301
00:10:41,767 --> 00:10:42,797
>> I BELIEVE SO.
302
00:10:42,800 --> 00:10:46,270
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT MALE
303
00:10:46,267 --> 00:10:46,697
CHEERLEADERS.
304
00:10:46,700 --> 00:10:48,600
I THINK THEY PROTECT YOU BETTER.
305
00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:49,830
>> THEY WOULD HAVE CAUGHT YOU.
306
00:10:49,833 --> 00:10:54,203
>> YEAH.
307
00:10:54,200 --> 00:10:56,130
THOSE GUYS ARE -- LOSERS.
308
00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:57,833
>> NOT LOSERS.
309
00:10:57,833 --> 00:10:59,573
THEY'RE MUSICIANS.
310
00:10:59,567 --> 00:11:00,967
THAT HAVEN'T HAD SEX.
311
00:11:00,967 --> 00:11:02,067
>> THANK YOU.
312
00:11:02,067 --> 00:11:05,497
>> DID ANY OF YOU EVER GET
313
00:11:05,500 --> 00:11:06,530
SPIRIT FINGERED.
314
00:11:06,533 --> 00:11:08,333
>> SPIRIT FINGERED.
315
00:11:08,333 --> 00:11:09,773
>> OR TOSS WAS AWFUL.
316
00:11:09,767 --> 00:11:10,627
WE CAN ALL AGREE WITH THAT.
317
00:11:10,633 --> 00:11:11,773
>> YEAH.
318
00:11:11,767 --> 00:11:13,727
YOUR ROUTINE WAS GARBAGE.
319
00:11:13,733 --> 00:11:17,133
WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO GET A NEW
320
00:11:17,133 --> 00:11:18,803
ROUTINE NOT BEFORE THE FAKE
321
00:11:18,800 --> 00:11:21,200
CHEER COMPETITION WE SET UP FOR
322
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,630
YOU.
323
00:11:22,633 --> 00:11:23,803
>> OKAY.
324
00:11:23,800 --> 00:11:29,600
>> IF WHITE CHEERLEADERS STEAL
325
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:33,400
FROM BLACK CHEERLEADERS WHO DO
326
00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,400
BLACK CHEERLEADERS STEAL FROM.
327
00:11:36,400 --> 00:11:37,730
>> GAYS.
328
00:11:37,733 --> 00:11:41,133
>> JONATHAN SERVER WHO I'VE
329
00:11:41,133 --> 00:11:41,633
NEVER SEEN.
330
00:11:41,633 --> 00:11:44,773
THANK YOU FOR THE COCKTAIL.
331
00:11:44,767 --> 00:11:47,267
KNOCK IT OFF.
332
00:11:47,267 --> 00:11:49,197
>> THEY THINK YOU'RE STEALING
333
00:11:49,200 --> 00:11:53,600
SOME OF THEIR FIERCE MOVES.
334
00:11:53,600 --> 00:11:54,670
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WELL ITEM
335
00:11:54,667 --> 00:11:58,467
TO THE 2011 FAKE CHEERLEADING
336
00:11:58,467 --> 00:11:58,927
CHAMPIONSHIPS.
337
00:11:58,933 --> 00:11:59,873
>> ARE YOU READY.
338
00:11:59,867 --> 00:12:00,467
>> YES.
339
00:12:00,467 --> 00:12:04,167
>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE COMPETING
340
00:12:04,167 --> 00:12:09,427
AGAINST THE MIAMI DOLPHIN
341
00:12:09,433 --> 00:12:11,233
CHEERLEADERS.
342
00:12:11,233 --> 00:12:12,133
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN BEAT THEM.
343
00:12:12,133 --> 00:12:15,903
>> YEAH.
344
00:12:15,900 --> 00:12:20,630
WE CAN BEAT THOSE WHITE BITCHES.
345
00:12:20,633 --> 00:12:21,473
*
346
00:12:21,467 --> 00:12:22,397
*
347
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,230
*
348
00:12:23,233 --> 00:12:26,203
*
349
00:12:26,200 --> 00:12:27,070
*
350
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:28,097
*
351
00:12:28,100 --> 00:12:28,930
*
352
00:12:28,933 --> 00:12:33,673
*
353
00:12:33,667 --> 00:12:34,427
*
354
00:12:34,433 --> 00:12:35,433
*
355
00:12:35,433 --> 00:12:36,303
*
356
00:12:36,300 --> 00:12:37,430
*
357
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:38,073
*
358
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:39,867
>> OKAY THEY NAILED IT.
359
00:12:39,867 --> 00:12:41,397
YOU BETTER BRING YOUR A GAME.
360
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:43,170
GET OUT THERE.
361
00:12:43,167 --> 00:12:45,597
>> FROM TOSH HIGH SCHOOL PLEASE
362
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:49,470
WELCOME THE TOSH HIGH SCHOOL
363
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:51,797
CHEERLEADER.
364
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:52,870
*
365
00:12:52,867 --> 00:12:53,797
*
366
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:54,800
*
367
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,700
*
368
00:12:56,700 --> 00:12:57,600
*
369
00:12:57,600 --> 00:12:58,600
*
370
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:06,970
*
371
00:13:06,967 --> 00:13:08,297
*
372
00:13:08,300 --> 00:13:09,700
*
373
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,870
>> YOU'RE FROM ORLANDO.
374
00:13:12,867 --> 00:13:15,727
YEAH FROM FLORIDA THE GOLDEN
375
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:18,503
KNIGHT.
376
00:13:18,500 --> 00:13:19,400
*
377
00:13:19,400 --> 00:13:30,630
* [CLAPPING AND APPLAUSE]
378
00:13:30,633 --> 00:13:33,373
>> WHAT DID I MISS.
379
00:13:33,367 --> 00:13:37,397
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOU'RE 2011
380
00:13:37,400 --> 00:13:44,230
FAKE CHEERLEADERS ARE THE MIAMI
381
00:13:44,233 --> 00:13:45,073
DOLPHIN CHEERLEADERS.
382
00:13:45,067 --> 00:13:47,797
>> I
383
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:48,800
I WANT TO APOLOGIZE TO THE OTHER
384
00:13:48,800 --> 00:13:49,500
26 MIAMI DOLPHIN CHEERLEADERS
385
00:13:49,500 --> 00:13:50,330
THAT I COULD NOT AFFORD TO FLY
386
00:13:50,333 --> 00:13:50,873
OUT HERE.
387
00:13:50,867 --> 00:13:52,567
DON'T WORRY.
388
00:13:52,567 --> 00:13:53,127
I WILL COME ON YOU
389
00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,303
I WILL COME TO YOU
390
00:13:54,300 --> 00:13:57,100
PROMPTER, THAT WASN'T COOL.
391
00:13:57,100 --> 00:13:58,130
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,
392
00:13:58,133 --> 00:14:08,203
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY STAPLER?
393
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:11,870
OH!
394
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:12,967
[SCREAMI
395
00:14:12,967 --> 00:14:13,397
[SCREAMING]
396
00:14:13,400 --> 00:14:20,730
>> I HATE YOU.
397
00:14:20,733 --> 00:14:24,803
>> BECAUSE OF THE SUCCESS OF MY
398
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:35,400
VIDEOS ON CUNNILINGUS I'VE BEEN
399
00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:37,430
CONSIDERED THE EXPERT.
400
00:14:37,433 --> 00:14:39,633
SOME GUYS THINK YOU GO LIKE
401
00:14:39,633 --> 00:14:39,933
THIS.
402
00:14:39,933 --> 00:14:42,733
THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT WAY.
403
00:14:42,733 --> 00:14:45,303
SOME GUYS THINK THEY'RE EATING
404
00:14:45,300 --> 00:14:46,630
OATMEAL OR SOMETHING.
405
00:14:46,633 --> 00:14:49,133
THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT WAY.
406
00:14:49,133 --> 00:14:51,673
YOU'VE GOT TO BE SLOW AND
407
00:14:51,667 --> 00:14:52,067
SENSITIVE.
408
00:14:52,067 --> 00:14:54,497
FROM SIDE TO SIDE WITH THE HEAD
409
00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:54,770
UP.
410
00:14:54,767 --> 00:14:58,797
AND UP AND DOWN.
411
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:04,170
A LITTLE KISSING.
412
00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:07,067
I THINK I'M TURNING MY SHIRT ON,
413
00:15:07,067 --> 00:15:07,367
GEEZ.
414
00:15:07,367 --> 00:15:08,067
COME ON LADIES, WOULDN'T YOU
415
00:15:08,067 --> 00:15:08,767
LIKE TO HAVE THAT GUY BETWEEN
416
00:15:08,767 --> 00:15:09,227
YOUR LEGS?
417
00:15:09,233 --> 00:15:10,333
LET'S BE HONEST, VAGINAS ARE
418
00:15:10,333 --> 00:15:10,973
BOTH GROSS AND CONFUSING.
419
00:15:10,967 --> 00:15:11,967
THAT'S WHY I DECIDED TO SNATCH
420
00:15:11,967 --> 00:15:12,697
UP SOME POINTERS FROM THAT OLD
421
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:13,600
MAN.
422
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:14,370
LIVE VIA SKYPE, PLEASE WELCOME,
423
00:15:14,367 --> 00:15:16,897
CHICAGO AL.
424
00:15:16,900 --> 00:15:18,070
YEAH, IT'S GREAT TO BE HERE.
425
00:15:18,067 --> 00:15:19,067
HEY, THANKS FOR TAKING A BREAK
426
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:22,397
FROM ALL THAT MUFF DIVING.
427
00:15:22,400 --> 00:15:24,070
HOW MUCH LETTUCE WOULD YOU SAY
428
00:15:24,067 --> 00:15:26,727
YOU'VE LICKED IN YOUR LIFETIME?
429
00:15:26,733 --> 00:15:29,073
I CAN'T REALLY HONESTLY SAY,
430
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:29,897
EXCEPT THAT IT'S BEEN UH, UH
431
00:15:29,900 --> 00:15:31,500
DOZENS.
432
00:15:31,500 --> 00:15:34,230
OH.
433
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:35,373
THAT'S A LOT OF LABIA.
434
00:15:35,367 --> 00:15:37,067
HOW LONG DO YOU USUALLY SPEND
435
00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:38,597
PLEASURING A WOMAN'S SWEATBOX?
436
00:15:38,600 --> 00:15:39,670
IT COULD LAST AN HOUR.
437
00:15:39,667 --> 00:15:40,867
ALRIGHT.
438
00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:42,427
YOU'VE GOT ME BEAT BY 59 MINUTES
439
00:15:42,433 --> 00:15:44,673
AND SOME CHANGE.
440
00:15:44,667 --> 00:15:45,667
DO YOU CLEAN THE CANOE BEFORE
441
00:15:45,667 --> 00:15:47,897
YOU PADDLE?
442
00:15:47,900 --> 00:15:52,300
YEAH, OF COURSE, BUT THAT YOU
443
00:15:52,300 --> 00:15:53,370
KNOW, I GO UNDER THE ASSUMPTION
444
00:15:53,367 --> 00:15:54,467
THAT SHE'S GONNA HAVE GOOD
445
00:15:54,467 --> 00:15:55,567
HYGIENE BEFORE SHE WALKS IN, BUT
446
00:15:55,567 --> 00:15:56,727
YOU NEVER CAN BE SURE.
447
00:15:56,733 --> 00:16:01,073
SO WHEN I WASH 'EM WITH THE
448
00:16:01,067 --> 00:16:02,127
CLOTH, I UH JUST WANT TO DO THE
449
00:16:02,133 --> 00:16:03,203
SURFACE THING BUT YOU DON'T
450
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:06,430
REALLY, YOU KNOW, SANITIZE IT.
451
00:16:06,433 --> 00:16:07,133
SO, YOU CAN SCRUB HERPES OFF
452
00:16:07,133 --> 00:16:08,503
WITH A CLOTH?
453
00:16:08,500 --> 00:16:10,300
I THOUGHT SO.
454
00:16:10,300 --> 00:16:12,930
HEY, YOU EVER PUT A DENTAL DAM
455
00:16:12,933 --> 00:16:14,073
OVER THE BLUE WAFFLE?
456
00:16:14,067 --> 00:16:15,067
UH, I USE SARAN WRAP ACTUALLY.
457
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:16,167
I REALLY HAVE.
458
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:20,067
AND IT'S NOT TOO BAD.
459
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:20,727
YOU KNOW, THE PLASTIC TASTES A
460
00:16:20,733 --> 00:16:21,533
LITTLE FUNKY BUT THE PROBLEM IS
461
00:16:21,533 --> 00:16:22,303
IT BREAKS.
462
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:23,230
I'M SURE SARAN WRAP APPRECIATES
463
00:16:23,233 --> 00:16:24,873
THE PLUG.
464
00:16:24,867 --> 00:16:25,527
WE HAVE A HUGE HOMOSEXUAL
465
00:16:25,533 --> 00:16:26,973
AUDIENCE.
466
00:16:26,967 --> 00:16:28,527
ANY TIP ON BLOWING THE OLE
467
00:16:28,533 --> 00:16:34,603
TICKLE WHISTLE?
468
00:16:34,600 --> 00:16:35,600
TELL 'EM, YOU KNOW, WATCH THE
469
00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:36,630
TEETH FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
470
00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:37,333
YOU KNOW THEY GOTTA WATCH THE
471
00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:38,333
TEETH CAUSE THEY'LL BITE.
472
00:16:38,333 --> 00:16:39,833
AND UH, I EVEN HAD A LADY SORTA
473
00:16:39,833 --> 00:16:44,733
[BLEEP].
474
00:16:44,733 --> 00:16:45,833
THEY THOUGHT THE SENSITIVITY
475
00:16:45,833 --> 00:16:47,433
AREA OF THE PENIS WAS THE TIP OF
476
00:16:47,433 --> 00:16:50,633
THE PENIS WITH THE HOLE AND
477
00:16:50,633 --> 00:16:51,833
THAT'S SENSITIVE, MAN.
478
00:16:51,833 --> 00:16:54,603
YEAH, IT'S NOT A CAPRI SUN.
479
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,170
CAN YOU TELL THE DIFFERENCE
480
00:16:56,167 --> 00:16:56,927
BETWEEN RACES BASED ON A WOMAN'S
481
00:16:56,933 --> 00:16:57,703
[BLEEP].
482
00:16:57,700 --> 00:16:59,230
YOU KNOW THAT'S INTERESTING.
483
00:16:59,233 --> 00:17:03,733
[BLEEP.]
484
00:17:03,733 --> 00:17:04,833
IS IT TRUE YOU NEED TO WAIT AN
485
00:17:04,833 --> 00:17:06,333
HOUR TO GO SWIMMING AFTER
486
00:17:06,333 --> 00:17:09,073
MUNCHING ON THE TORO TACO?
487
00:17:09,067 --> 00:17:15,397
I DON'T FEEL LIKE SWIMMING AFTER
488
00:17:15,400 --> 00:17:16,600
EATING [BLEEP].
489
00:17:16,600 --> 00:17:17,370
I'M SURE SHE FEELS LIKE CURLING
490
00:17:17,367 --> 00:17:17,867
UP IN THE SHOWER.
491
00:17:17,867 --> 00:17:18,597
HOW DO YOU PREFER YOUR MOLDED
492
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:19,270
FOLDS OF BALONEY, BALD OR
493
00:17:19,267 --> 00:17:23,067
BIEBER?
494
00:17:23,067 --> 00:17:23,667
YOU KNOW, I LIKE 'EM BOTH.
495
00:17:23,667 --> 00:17:24,667
I PREFER SLENDER WOMEN.
496
00:17:24,667 --> 00:17:27,297
THEY TEND TO SWEAT LESS.
497
00:17:27,300 --> 00:17:28,270
LOUD AND CLEAR!
498
00:17:28,267 --> 00:17:31,697
LOUD AND CLEAR!
499
00:17:31,700 --> 00:17:33,330
HEY, WHY DO YOU HAVE A TOWEL
500
00:17:33,333 --> 00:17:38,203
DISPENSER MOUNTED ON YOUR WALL?
501
00:17:38,200 --> 00:17:38,930
OH, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE MAKE JOKES
502
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:40,333
ABOUT IT CAUSE I DO YOUTUBE
503
00:17:40,333 --> 00:17:44,703
VIDEOS AND THEY SAY, "WHAT IS
504
00:17:44,700 --> 00:17:45,470
THAT TO WIPE YOU JACKING OFF IN
505
00:17:45,467 --> 00:17:46,227
FRONT OF THE CAMERA?" AND
506
00:17:46,233 --> 00:17:46,773
ACTUALLY IT'S NOT.
507
00:17:46,767 --> 00:17:47,867
IT'S MY BROTHER USED TO SELL
508
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:48,897
THESE DISPENSERS AND I EAT HERE.
509
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:51,200
I EAT FOOD HERE.
510
00:17:51,200 --> 00:18:00,070
AND I, SO I WANTED A TOWEL, NOW
511
00:18:00,067 --> 00:18:00,567
A LOT OF THEM TO EAT.
512
00:18:00,567 --> 00:18:01,527
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELSE
513
00:18:01,533 --> 00:18:02,133
HORRIFYING TO SAY?
514
00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:09,233
HERE'S ONE YOU MIGHT ENJOY.
515
00:18:09,233 --> 00:18:10,233
I EAT [BLEEP] WITHOUT HAVING A
516
00:18:10,233 --> 00:18:10,833
WOMAN AROUND.
517
00:18:10,833 --> 00:18:11,903
AND YOU KNOW HOW YOU DO THAT?
518
00:18:11,900 --> 00:18:12,430
YOU GROW A GOATEE.
519
00:18:12,433 --> 00:18:13,173
AND WHEN IT'S LONG ENOUGH YOU
520
00:18:13,167 --> 00:18:14,127
FLIP IT UP AND YOU EAT THE HAIR,
521
00:18:14,133 --> 00:18:21,073
I SWEAR TO IT, IT TASTES LIKE
522
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:21,667
EATING [BLEEP].
523
00:18:21,667 --> 00:18:22,767
ALRIGHT, THAT'S ENOUGH.
524
00:18:22,767 --> 00:18:23,497
THANKS FOR JOINING US, CHICAGO
525
00:18:23,500 --> 00:18:24,470
AL.
526
00:18:24,467 --> 00:18:25,197
IT'S BEEN GOOD TO HAVE YOU HERE.
527
00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:26,070
GOOD BEING HERE.
528
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:26,767
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
529
00:18:26,767 --> 00:18:27,627
AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR THE CHANCE
530
00:18:27,633 --> 00:18:28,273
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
531
00:18:28,267 --> 00:18:29,297
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
532
00:18:29,300 --> 00:18:30,270
ALL THE WAY FROM THE COUNTRY OF
533
00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:36,297
LATVIA.
534
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:38,770
[FOREIGN LANGUAGE SPOKEN]
535
00:18:38,767 --> 00:18:39,897
LATVIA, THEIR NATIONAL TREE IS
536
00:18:39,900 --> 00:18:40,670
OAK AND THEIR FAVORITE PAST TIME
537
00:18:40,667 --> 00:18:42,097
IS FLOOR BALL.
538
00:18:42,100 --> 00:18:43,130
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
539
00:18:43,133 --> 00:18:46,833
NIGHT AFTER NIGHT WITH ALLEN
540
00:18:46,833 --> 00:19:04,073
HAVE
541
00:19:04,067 --> 00:19:04,697
WELCOME BACK HASH TAG, POUND
542
00:19:04,700 --> 00:19:05,430
SIGN, LITTLE TIC-TAC-TOE BOARD.
543
00:19:05,433 --> 00:19:06,303
CONGRATULATIONS TO YOUR NBA
544
00:19:06,300 --> 00:19:06,970
CHAMPION DALLAS MAVERICKS.
545
00:19:06,967 --> 00:19:07,897
WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED THAT THE
546
00:19:07,900 --> 00:19:09,470
TEAM WITH THE THREE BEST PLAYERS
547
00:19:09,467 --> 00:19:10,167
IN THE WORLD WOULD WIN IT ALL?
548
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:10,867
WE RECORDED THIS BEFORE GAME
549
00:19:10,867 --> 00:19:11,627
FIVE.
550
00:19:11,633 --> 00:19:14,373
THAT'S CONFIDENCE.
551
00:19:14,367 --> 00:19:15,297
NEXT WEEK, THE METAL CLUB GETS A
552
00:19:15,300 --> 00:19:21,370
WEB REDEMPTION.
553
00:19:21,367 --> 00:19:22,567
*
554
00:19:22,567 --> 00:19:23,597
*
555
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:25,830
*
556
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:26,573
IN FAIRNESS, THAT AUDIENCE WAS A
557
00:19:26,567 --> 00:19:27,267
LITTLE SLEEPY FROM ALL THE
558
00:19:27,267 --> 00:19:29,497
SQUARE PIZZA.
559
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:30,570
BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
560
00:19:30,567 --> 00:19:31,297
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE
561
00:19:31,300 --> 00:19:32,200
SHOWS.
562
00:19:32,200 --> 00:19:33,830
KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG OVER
563
00:19:33,833 --> 00:19:35,973
AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
564
00:19:35,967 --> 00:19:36,927
TICKETS ARE NOW ON SALE FOR MY
565
00:19:36,933 --> 00:19:39,073
NEW TOSH TOUR ON ICE.
566
00:19:39,067 --> 00:19:41,697
AND TOSH.0 WILL BE SPONSORING
567
00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:42,370
ITS FIRST EVER MARATHON IN
568
00:19:42,367 --> 00:19:43,297
HERMOSA BEACH THIS SUMMER.
569
00:19:43,300 --> 00:19:45,070
GO TO OUR BLOG FOR MORE DETAILS.
570
00:19:45,067 --> 00:19:46,497
FINALLY, IT'S TIME TO GET INTO
571
00:19:46,500 --> 00:19:47,600
SWIMSUIT SHAPE.
572
00:19:47,600 --> 00:20:04,370
AND THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO DO
573
00:20:04,367 --> 00:20:05,127
THAT THEN BY EATING ONE POUND
574
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:05,773
OF RICH, CREAMY, UNSALTED
575
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,367
BUTTER.
576
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:09,727
>> 1, 2, 3.
577
00:20:09,733 --> 00:20:20,003
COME ON, EAT IT.
578
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:22,000
>> THE FIRST HALF POUND IS
579
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:25,670
ALWAYS THE HARDEST.
580
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:31,697
OH MY GOD.
581
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:35,030
OH MY GOD.
582
00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:38,033
OH!
583
00:20:38,033 --> 00:20:46,873
>> EW!
584
00:20:46,867 --> 00:20:47,897
[LAUGHT
585
00:20:47,900 --> 00:20:48,300
[LAUGHTER]
586
00:20:48,300 --> 00:20:52,630
>> WOOHOO!
587
00:20:52,633 --> 00:20:57,473
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE IF I
588
00:20:57,467 --> 00:20:58,197
CAN PULL OFF THE SACK OF FLOUR
589
00:20:58,200 --> 00:21:00,200
CHALLENGE.
590
00:21:00,200 --> 00:21:04,300
GOODNIGHT.
591
00:21:04,300 --> 00:21:15,930
[CHEERING AND APPLAUSE]
592
00:21:15,933 --> 00:21:17,633
>> I WAS GOOD.
593
00:21:17,633 --> 00:21:20,373
I WAS A LITTLE SORE ON MY BACK.
594
00:21:20,367 --> 00:21:21,927
>> DID YOU GO ON MY BACK.
595
00:21:21,933 --> 00:21:24,133
>> NO.
596
00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:24,733
NO.
597
00:21:24,733 --> 00:21:26,133
THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE DONE.
598
00:21:26,133 --> 00:21:28,603
ARE ALL OF THE GIRLS ON THE
599
00:21:28,600 --> 00:21:30,270
DANCE TEAM WHORES.
600
00:21:30,267 --> 00:21:31,967
>> I WOULD GO TO BE A
601
00:21:31,967 --> 00:21:32,597
CHEERLEADER.
602
00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:36,130
THE REALITY I DON'T HOLD A WOMAN
603
00:21:36,133 --> 00:21:38,273
UP ABOVE MY HEAD.
604
00:21:38,267 --> 00:21:41,067
>> BUT THE REALITY I PHYSICALLY
36737
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