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>> TOSH.0 FEATURES VIDEOS FROM
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THE INTERNET.
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WE DISCOURAGE ANYONE FROM
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ATTEMPTING THESE.
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ENJOY!
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[LAUGHTER]
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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>> LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
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NEXT TO OXICONTIN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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I AM YOUR HOST, DANIEL TOSH.
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I'M AWARE THIS SHOW IS NOT FOR
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EVERYONE.
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IF FUNNY JOKES ARE NOT YOUR CUP
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OF TEA, THEN MAYBE YOU SHOULD
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JUST KEEP WATCHING "RULES OF
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ENGAGEMENT."
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[LAUGHTER]
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ON TONIGHT'S EPISODE, THE
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GREATEST ACTOR YOU'VE NEVER
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HEARD OF.
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BRIAN ATENE, STOPS BY.
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I SEEK OUT MY OWN GOLDEN VOICED
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HOBO.
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AND WE TAKE A LONG HARD LOOK AT
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BLACK TWITTER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IS THAT KID STILL LAUGHING?
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[LAUGHTER]
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STOP LAUGHING AND CHANGE MY OIL.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THANK GOODNESS THEY WEREN'T
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MEXICANS BECAUSE THEY ALL DRIVE
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LOW RIDERS AND THAT KID WOULD'VE
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REALLY GOTTEN HURT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THAT'S HOW AMERICAN KIDS PLAY IN
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THE SNOW.
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HERE'S HOW THE RUSSIANS DO IT.
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ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR [BLEEP]
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MIND?
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"NO, NO, NO.
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IT'S SAFE.
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WE DOUBLE-KNOTTED THE BED SHEET
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AROUND THE CHIMNEY."
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[LAUGHTER]
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OH, MY BAD.
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I CANNOT BELIEVE WE WON THE COLD
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WAR.
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THEY ARE FEARLESS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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AT LEAST THEY WERE SMART ENOUGH
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TO TRY IT ON A WOMAN FIRST.
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HANG IN THERE, SVETLANA.
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SHE'S DATING JASON BOURNE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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TEN MINUTES LATER HE COMES DOWN,
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"OH THE STAIRCASE WOULD HAVE
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BEEN FINE."
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[LAUGHTER]
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"I THOUGHT THERE WERE AGENTS
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FOLLOWING US."
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"THERE WEREN'T."
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CHECK OUT THIS NEXT CHICK'S
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MELONS.
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>> WOW!
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>> WOW IS RIGHT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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"CAN'T WE JUST SNUGGLE?"
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"NOPE.
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GET OUT THE TARP."
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GOTTA BE A BETTER WAY TO TELL IF
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IT'S RIPE.
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DO NOT GO DOWN ON HER WHEN SHE'S
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ANGRY.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SHE'S GOING TO HAVE AN ANT
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PROBLEM.
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SHE SEEMS LIKE THE PERFECT
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EMPLOYEE FOR MY NEW SIDE
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PROJECT.
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>> WELCOME TO PASSION JUICE.
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PASSION JUICE IS MY PASSION.
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WHAT CAN I GET YOU?
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>> A LARGE FRUITY MANGO BLAST.
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>> ONE LARGE FRUITY MANGO BLAST.
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>> DON'T YOU HAVE A LARGE?
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>> OH!
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>> WHAT GOES IN THERE, MANGO?
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>> OH!
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> THESE HAWAIIANS COME IN AND
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ORDER PINEAPPLE.
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IT'S ALL PINEAPPLE.
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>> SHUT UP!
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>> THAT'S WHY I DO SO MANY KEGEL
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EXERCISES.
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THIS NEXT PRISONER'S ON SUICIDE
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WATCH, SO LET'S WATCH WHILE HE
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ATTEMPTS SUICIDE.
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I DON'T THINK YOU CAN GET OUT
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THAT WAY.
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I KNOW, IT'S GROSS!
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HE SHOULD HAVE PUT DOWN A SEAT
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COVER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I THINK SOMEONE POOPED IN THE
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POOL.
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WHAT'S HE, LUIGI?
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[LAUGHTER]
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MSNBC REALLY NEEDS TO SHOW MORE
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BLOOPERS ON LOCKUP.
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HOW DO NEW MOMS GET RID OF BABY
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WEIGHT?
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WITH A BABY WEIGHT.
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**
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YEP, THAT'S A REAL BABY.
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YEA, I'M NO PEDIATRICIAN, BUT
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THAT BABY'S GONNA HAVE A GREAT
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CORE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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LETS PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE CLOCK
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AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY COMMENTS
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WE CAN POST BEFORE HER BABY
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BREAKS.
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DO YOU THINK IT'S A ROUTINE OR
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IS SHE JUST FREESTYLIN?
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[LAUGHTER]
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MAYBE SHE HATES HER BABY.
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DID ANYONE CONSIDER THAT?
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[LAUGHTER]
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THAT BABY IS GONNA GROW UP TO BE
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EITHER A TRAPEZE ARTIST OR A MOM
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MURDERER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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BE CAREFUL!
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SHE'LL BREAK HER BABY'S BACK
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RIBS.
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BBQ SAUCE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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SOMETHIN' TELLS ME THAT BABY'S
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DISMOUNT IS GOING TO BE INTO A
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DUMPSTER.
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I SAID DUMPSTER.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IT'S A LOT HARDER WITH DEVIL
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STICKS.
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**
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IT'S NO SURPRISE THAT THE
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COUNTRY WHO INVENTED SUDOKU
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CONSIDERS WALKING TO BE AN
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ACCEPTABLE SPORT.
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THEY DIDN'T LOOK AS ORGANIZED
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WHEN GODZILLA WAS CHASING THEM.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> LOOK AT THEM.
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DROP A COUPLE BOMBS ON A COUNTRY
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AND THEY START GETTING THEIR
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[BLEEP] IN LINE.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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EVERYONE IS DOING THE DOUGIE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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YOU ARE NOT A TRUE FAN OF THIS
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SHOW IF YOU DON'T THINK THAT'S
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THE GREATEST VIDEO WE'VE EVER
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PUT ON THE AIR.
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LET'S ALL GATHER ROUND AND FORM
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A CIRCLE JERK IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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IRELAND, A COUNTRY SO FULL OF
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DRUNKS, THEY STILL THINK U2 IS A
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GOOD BAND.
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THEY'RE CELEBRATING ARTHUR'S
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DAY, MY FAVORITE MADE-UP
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HOLIDAY, WHICH MEANS THEY HAVE
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EVEN MORE GUINNESS COURSING
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THROUGH THEIR POTATO CLOGGED
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VEINS THAN USUAL.
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[LAUGHTER]
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IT MUST BE EASY TO BE THE BEST
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BREAKDANCER IN A PLACE WHERE
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THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS BLACK
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PEOPLE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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DON'T JUDGE, THIS IS HOW THE
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WAHLBERG BOYS GOT THEIR START.
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FACT: PROPER PUSH-UP FORM IS
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ESSENTIAL WHEN THERE IS A REAL
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DANGER OF YOUR BARE PENIS
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DRAGGING OVER COBBLESTONE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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O'BRIEN'S BUDDY SEES THAT IT'S A
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PANTS OFF DANCE OFF AND ACCEPTS
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THE CHALLENGE.
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THERE IS NOTHING GAY ABOUT THIS,
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BUT HERE COMES THE MOVE THEIR
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ADOPTED GRANDKIDS WILL HEAR
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ABOUT, THE HANDSTAND JOB.
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[LAUGHTER]
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STARTING TO GET A LITTLE GAY
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HERE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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HE'S PERFORMING A SOLO ON
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O'BRIEN'S SKIN FLUTE.
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DO YOU THINK HE TAKES REQUESTS?
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THE CROWD LOVES IT!
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BECAUSE THEY KNOW IF ONE OF
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THOSE BOYS CREAMS, A LEPRECHAUN
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WILL APPEAR.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'M JUST GLAD IRELAND'S VIRAL
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VIDEOS ARE MORE FUN TO LOOK AT
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THAN THEIR WOMEN, AND FOR THAT,
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WE THANK YOU.
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[APPLAUSE]
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH BRIAN
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ATENE'S WEB REDEMPTION, BUT
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FIRST HERE'S TO THE HAPPY
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COUPLE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> GOOD DAY, MR. Q BRICK.
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I'M BRIAN ATENE.
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I'M A 20-YEAR-OLD FROM THE
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JULLIARD SCHOOL.
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IN A MOMENT, I WILL PERFORM YOU
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FROM "THE OUTSIDERS."
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>> I'M GOING TO WALK AGAIN.
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NOT EVEN ON THESE CRUTCHES.
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YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
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I SCARED!
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I SCARED!
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>> IF THEY WERE CASTING FOR THE
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ROLE OF CORKY ON "LIFE GOES ON,"
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HE NAILED IT.
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BRIAN ATENE HAS WHAT WE IN THE
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BIZ CALL, "THE IT FACTOR."
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HE'S LIKE MATT LEBLANC, BUT
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WITHOUT ALL THE LUCKY BREAKS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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THAT WAS BRIAN'S AUDITION FOR
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"FULL METAL JACKET."
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BUT STANLEY KUBRICK DECIDED TO
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GO WITH SOMEBODY WHO WOULDN'T
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RUIN HIS MOVIE.
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IT'S NOT EASY TO MAKE IT IN
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HOLLYWOOD.
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IF IT WERE, THE RESTAURANT
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INDUSTRY HERE WOULD COLLAPSE.
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THERE ARE 9 MILLION PEOPLE
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COMPETING FOR 36 JOBS.
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YOU THINK THINGS ARE BAD IN
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DETROIT?
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YOU SHOULD SEE THE DEVASTATION
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AFTER PILOT SEASON WHEN THE ONLY
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ONE THAT'S BOOKED SOMETHING IS
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SCOTT CAAN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I'M AN INCREDIBLE ACTOR, BUT IT
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TOOK TEN YEARS OF AUDITIONS
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WITHOUT BEING CAST BEFORE COMEDY
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CENTRAL WAS DESPERATE ENOUGH TO
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GIVE ME A SHOT.
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I ALWAYS GOT THE SAME NOTE: MY
267
00:09:26,067 --> 00:09:26,767
CHEEKBONES WERE MEANT FOR MALE
268
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:28,467
MODELING, NOT ACTING.
269
00:09:28,467 --> 00:09:29,767
[LAUGHTER]
270
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:30,697
THE TRUTH IS, THERE ARE ONLY A
271
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:32,470
FEW GREAT ACTORS.
272
00:09:32,467 --> 00:09:34,067
EVERYONE ELSE IS JUST READING.
273
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:35,567
IF PAUL WALKER CAN DO IT, I'M
274
00:09:35,567 --> 00:09:37,197
PRETTY SURE 95% OF THE
275
00:09:37,200 --> 00:09:38,370
POPULATION IS OVERQUALIFIED.
276
00:09:38,367 --> 00:09:39,667
[LAUGHTER]
277
00:09:39,667 --> 00:09:40,527
AND STOP SAYING YOU CAUGHT THE
278
00:09:40,533 --> 00:09:42,873
ACTING BUG.
279
00:09:42,867 --> 00:09:43,927
YOU MEAN THE ONE WHERE YOU DON'T
280
00:09:43,933 --> 00:09:44,633
WORK HARD, YOU MAKE TONS OF
281
00:09:44,633 --> 00:09:45,373
MONEY, AND EVERYONE KISSES YOUR
282
00:09:45,367 --> 00:09:46,597
ASS?
283
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,270
YEAH, WE'VE ALL GOT THAT BUG.
284
00:09:49,267 --> 00:09:50,097
BUT I STILL THINK BRIAN DESERVES
285
00:09:50,100 --> 00:09:52,900
A BIG BREAK.
286
00:09:52,900 --> 00:09:54,070
THAT'S WHY I FLEW HIM TO
287
00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:54,767
HOLLYWOOD FOR ONE LAST SHOT AT
288
00:09:54,767 --> 00:09:55,397
FAME IN THIS WEEK'S WEB
289
00:09:55,400 --> 00:09:57,070
REDEMPTION.
290
00:09:57,067 --> 00:10:02,297
[APPLAUSE]
291
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:02,730
>> BRIAN OH.
292
00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:05,373
[LAUGHTER]
293
00:10:05,367 --> 00:10:07,097
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
294
00:10:07,100 --> 00:10:07,730
DANIEL.
295
00:10:07,733 --> 00:10:11,073
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
296
00:10:11,067 --> 00:10:13,727
>> I'M FROM PHILADELPHIA.
297
00:10:13,733 --> 00:10:15,503
>> YOU STILL TALK THE EXACT
298
00:10:15,500 --> 00:10:15,800
SAME.
299
00:10:15,800 --> 00:10:18,230
>> THAT'S ACTOR SPEAK.
300
00:10:18,233 --> 00:10:19,233
>> ARE YOU THIRSTY?
301
00:10:19,233 --> 00:10:19,733
>> YEAH.
302
00:10:19,733 --> 00:10:21,773
I'D LIKE SOME COFFEE.
303
00:10:21,767 --> 00:10:24,727
>> LET ME SEE IF MY ASSISTANT IS
304
00:10:24,733 --> 00:10:25,073
AROUND.
305
00:10:25,067 --> 00:10:27,027
CAN WE PLEASE GET A COFFEE FOR
306
00:10:27,033 --> 00:10:27,333
HIM?
307
00:10:27,333 --> 00:10:28,703
ARE YOU STILL ACTING?
308
00:10:28,700 --> 00:10:29,370
>> NO.
309
00:10:29,367 --> 00:10:31,027
I'M THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WAITER.
310
00:10:31,033 --> 00:10:32,573
>> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WAIT
311
00:10:32,567 --> 00:10:32,967
SOMETHING.
312
00:10:32,967 --> 00:10:34,467
>> I'D SAY ABOUT 20 YEARS.
313
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:38,067
>> HOW IN THE WORLD DO YOU NOT
314
00:10:38,067 --> 00:10:42,467
HAVE A CAREER AND DAK SHEPHERD
315
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:43,397
DOES?
316
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:47,030
>> I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS.
317
00:10:47,033 --> 00:10:48,003
>> EXACTLY.
318
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:48,630
THANK YOU.
319
00:10:48,633 --> 00:10:50,103
ARE YOU GOING TO STAY THERE FOR
320
00:10:50,100 --> 00:10:50,530
A LITTLE BIT?
321
00:10:50,533 --> 00:10:53,333
[LAUGHTER]
322
00:10:53,333 --> 00:10:55,133
>> DID YOU ALWAYS WANT TO BE AN
323
00:10:55,133 --> 00:10:55,473
ACTOR?
324
00:10:55,467 --> 00:10:56,097
>> NO.
325
00:10:56,100 --> 00:10:57,530
I THINK I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A
326
00:10:57,533 --> 00:10:58,703
FILM DIRECTOR.
327
00:10:58,700 --> 00:11:00,530
>> DID YOU EVER PURSUE IT?
328
00:11:00,533 --> 00:11:01,773
>> YEAH, I DID.
329
00:11:01,767 --> 00:11:02,697
NOTHING BECAME OF IT.
330
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,270
>> HOW LONG AGO DID YOU PUT THAT
331
00:11:04,267 --> 00:11:05,097
VIDEO ONLINE?
332
00:11:05,100 --> 00:11:09,230
>> THE VIDEO WAS MADE IN 1984.
333
00:11:09,233 --> 00:11:15,273
THE IRONY IS IT WAS NEVER SENT
334
00:11:15,267 --> 00:11:19,067
IN TO STANLEY KIBRIK.
335
00:11:19,067 --> 00:11:22,497
>> YOU OVERACCENT A LOT.
336
00:11:22,500 --> 00:11:23,870
>> NOT ONLY CRUTCHES.
337
00:11:23,867 --> 00:11:25,597
>> DID YOU REALLY ATTEND
338
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:25,970
JULLIARD?
339
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:29,227
>> BRIAN ATENE ATTENDED THE
340
00:11:29,233 --> 00:11:35,503
JULLIARD SCHOOL ON SCHOLARSHIP.
341
00:11:35,500 --> 00:11:39,500
AT THAT TIME I KNEW KEVIN
342
00:11:39,500 --> 00:11:39,830
SPACEY.
343
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:40,833
HE IS GAY.
344
00:11:40,833 --> 00:11:42,433
>> ARE YOU GAY?
345
00:11:42,433 --> 00:11:43,633
>> DO YOU THINK I'M GAY?
346
00:11:43,633 --> 00:11:45,433
>> I'M NOT GOING BACK TO WORK
347
00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:47,233
WHEN THIS AIRS.
348
00:11:47,233 --> 00:11:49,703
>> HEAVEN FORBID THE OLIVE
349
00:11:49,700 --> 00:11:50,930
GARDEN DOESN'T TAKE YOU BACK.
350
00:11:50,933 --> 00:11:52,773
>> WHAT WAS YOUR LOW POINT?
351
00:11:52,767 --> 00:11:54,267
>> BEING ON THE TOSH PROGRAM.
352
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:56,067
>> HERE'S WHAT I DID FOR YOU.
353
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,727
I GOT YOU AN AUDITION -- WHERE'S
354
00:11:58,733 --> 00:11:59,773
MY ASSISTANT?
355
00:11:59,767 --> 00:12:01,767
WHERE'S MY SCRIPT?
356
00:12:01,767 --> 00:12:04,867
THANK YOU.
357
00:12:04,867 --> 00:12:05,897
HERE'S YOURS.
358
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:07,070
I GOT DISTRACTED.
359
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:08,197
>> THIS IS REAL WORK.
360
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:10,130
>> THIS WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU.
361
00:12:10,133 --> 00:12:11,073
>> YEAH.
362
00:12:11,067 --> 00:12:17,067
>> OR SLAM THEM SHUT.
363
00:12:17,067 --> 00:12:18,797
DAK, GOOD DAY, MR. SISCO.
364
00:12:18,800 --> 00:12:19,800
>> GREAT.
365
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,800
CAN YOU GUYS GET ON WITH THIS?
366
00:12:21,800 --> 00:12:22,370
>> OF COURSE.
367
00:12:22,367 --> 00:12:26,167
>> O'BRIEN, DON'T YOU DIE ON ME.
368
00:12:26,167 --> 00:12:27,697
NO!
369
00:12:27,700 --> 00:12:28,800
>> OKAY.
370
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:29,900
DANIEL, YOU WERE AWFUL.
371
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:33,070
BRIAN, YOU GOT THE PART.
372
00:12:33,067 --> 00:12:35,267
>> HA!
373
00:12:35,267 --> 00:12:38,227
>> GOOD JOB, BUDDY.
374
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:43,573
YOU'RE KNOWN AS THE KUBRIK.
375
00:12:43,567 --> 00:12:44,467
WELCOME TO COUGAR TOWN.
376
00:12:44,467 --> 00:12:46,227
IF I COULD GIVE YOU IF I ADVICE,
377
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:47,333
NAIL COURTNEY COX.
378
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,833
YOU WOULD GET A RECURRING ROLE
379
00:12:50,833 --> 00:12:51,233
GUARANTEED.
380
00:12:51,233 --> 00:12:51,573
BRIAN?
381
00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:52,067
>> YEAH.
382
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:53,127
>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GOING
383
00:12:53,133 --> 00:12:54,073
TO PLAY TODAY?
384
00:12:54,067 --> 00:12:56,367
>> THE CREEPY PHOTOGRAPHER.
385
00:12:56,367 --> 00:12:57,867
>> THE CREEPY PHOTOGRAPHER.
386
00:12:57,867 --> 00:12:59,327
THE WAY TO PLAY IT IS TO BE
387
00:12:59,333 --> 00:12:59,703
YOURSELF.
388
00:12:59,700 --> 00:13:01,970
[LAUGHTER]
389
00:13:01,967 --> 00:13:02,767
>> CREEPY.
390
00:13:02,767 --> 00:13:05,097
ONE DAY IN HOLLYWOOD, YOU'RE
391
00:13:05,100 --> 00:13:05,700
ALREADY TYPE CAST.
392
00:13:05,700 --> 00:13:06,930
>> THANKS FOR DOING THAT.
393
00:13:06,933 --> 00:13:07,703
>> THANK YOU.
394
00:13:07,700 --> 00:13:11,530
>> OF COURSE, ARE YOU NERVOUS AT
395
00:13:11,533 --> 00:13:11,833
ALL?
396
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:13,233
>> I'M SCARED!
397
00:13:13,233 --> 00:13:14,903
>> ARE YOU READY TO GIVE IT
398
00:13:14,900 --> 00:13:15,630
ANOTHER SHOT?
399
00:13:15,633 --> 00:13:16,103
>> YES.
400
00:13:16,100 --> 00:13:17,530
>> YOU'RE GOING TO BE THE
401
00:13:17,533 --> 00:13:18,303
GREATEST ACTOR EVER.
402
00:13:18,300 --> 00:13:20,070
>> THANK YOU.
403
00:13:20,067 --> 00:13:22,397
>> BRIAN ATENE TO THE STAGE,
404
00:13:22,400 --> 00:13:22,730
PLEASE.
405
00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:27,533
**
406
00:13:27,533 --> 00:13:29,633
>> PROMISE ME THIS WON'T GET
407
00:13:29,633 --> 00:13:30,073
CREEPIER.
408
00:13:30,067 --> 00:13:32,067
>> HONEY, I PROMISE.
409
00:13:32,067 --> 00:13:33,527
>> SHOULD WE START WITH A GLASS
410
00:13:33,533 --> 00:13:40,373
OF SHERRY BEFORE YOU GET
411
00:13:40,367 --> 00:13:40,727
UNDRESSED?
412
00:13:40,733 --> 00:13:45,273
>> THAT'S A RAP.
413
00:13:45,267 --> 00:13:45,967
>> THAT WAS HIS ENTIRE SCENE,
414
00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:46,727
BUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE WHOLE
415
00:13:46,733 --> 00:13:47,773
EPISODE OF "COUGAR TOWN," AND
416
00:13:47,767 --> 00:13:48,527
WHO DOESN'T, IT PREMIERES IN A
417
00:13:48,533 --> 00:13:50,303
FEW WEEKS.
418
00:13:50,300 --> 00:13:52,200
SO CHECK YOUR LOCAL LISTINGS.
419
00:13:52,200 --> 00:13:54,070
[LAUGHTER]
420
00:13:54,067 --> 00:13:55,697
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WERE
421
00:13:55,700 --> 00:13:56,500
INSANE ENOUGH TO LET THAT MANIAC
422
00:13:56,500 --> 00:13:57,800
ON THEIR SET.
423
00:13:57,800 --> 00:13:59,430
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,
424
00:13:59,433 --> 00:14:01,103
HERE'S OUR NEWEST CORRESPONDENT
425
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:01,770
KIGE WITH SOME VERY HELPFUL
426
00:14:01,767 --> 00:14:07,067
TRAVEL TIPS.
427
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:17,133
>> I KNOW A LOT OF YOU.
428
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:19,203
YOU'RE GOING ON SPRING BREAK IN
429
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:19,700
A FEW WEEKS.
430
00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:21,730
I THOUGHT I'D GIVE YOU A COUPLE
431
00:14:21,733 --> 00:14:23,073
IDEAS OF PLACES TO GO ON SPRING
432
00:14:23,067 --> 00:14:23,367
BREAK.
433
00:14:23,367 --> 00:14:27,767
NUMBER 1, JAMAICA.
434
00:14:27,767 --> 00:14:34,267
NUMBER 2, WEST PALM BEACH,
435
00:14:34,267 --> 00:14:34,627
FLORIDA.
436
00:14:34,633 --> 00:14:37,103
THOSE ARE THE TWO, THE BEST
437
00:14:37,100 --> 00:14:46,130
PLACES TO GO FOR SPRING BREAK IN
438
00:14:46,133 --> 00:14:48,473
>> HEY, GOING TO MAKE YOU WORK
439
00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:50,397
FOR YOUR DOLLAR.
440
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:51,430
SAY SOMETHING WITH THAT GREAT
441
00:14:51,433 --> 00:14:52,433
RADIO VOICE.
442
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:56,433
>> YOU'RE LISTENING TO MAGIC
443
00:14:56,433 --> 00:14:56,773
98.9.
444
00:14:56,767 --> 00:14:58,567
THANK YOU.
445
00:14:58,567 --> 00:14:59,067
GOD BLESS YOU.
446
00:14:59,067 --> 00:14:59,727
>> ARE YOU SICK OF THIS GUY YET?
447
00:14:59,733 --> 00:15:00,133
I AM.
448
00:15:00,133 --> 00:15:00,833
HE ALREADY HAS BEEN OFFERED A
449
00:15:00,833 --> 00:15:01,433
JOB AS THE VOICE OF THE
450
00:15:01,433 --> 00:15:02,803
CLEVELAND CAVALIERS.
451
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:03,530
BUT DON'T GET TOO ATTACHED TO
452
00:15:03,533 --> 00:15:04,973
HIM, CAVS FANS.
453
00:15:04,967 --> 00:15:06,497
AS SOON AS HE GETS REALLY GOOD,
454
00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:07,270
I'M SURE HE'S GOING TO TAKE HIS
455
00:15:07,267 --> 00:15:08,527
TALENTS TO SOUTH BEACH.
456
00:15:08,533 --> 00:15:10,373
[LAUGHTER]
457
00:15:10,367 --> 00:15:11,097
CLEARLY THIS GUY IS ONE IN A
458
00:15:11,100 --> 00:15:12,470
MILLION.
459
00:15:12,467 --> 00:15:13,527
MOST PEOPLE ARE HOMELESS FOR A
460
00:15:13,533 --> 00:15:14,173
REASON, BECAUSE THEY ARE
461
00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:15,127
TALENTLESS.
462
00:15:15,133 --> 00:15:21,703
AND I WENT OUT TO PROVE IT.
463
00:15:21,700 --> 00:15:22,670
>> EXCUSE ME.
464
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:26,197
BEFORE I GIVE YOU $1, CAN YOU
465
00:15:26,200 --> 00:15:27,130
READ THIS?
466
00:15:27,133 --> 00:15:28,303
>> SURE.
467
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:29,570
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
468
00:15:29,567 --> 00:15:30,067
GENTLEMEN.
469
00:15:30,067 --> 00:15:31,297
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
470
00:15:31,300 --> 00:15:34,700
NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST, DANIEL
471
00:15:34,700 --> 00:15:35,070
TOSH.
472
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:36,197
>> REALLY GOOD.
473
00:15:36,200 --> 00:15:36,970
>> THANK YOU.
474
00:15:36,967 --> 00:15:39,767
>> CAN I GET YOU TO READ THIS?
475
00:15:39,767 --> 00:15:40,867
>> SURE.
476
00:15:40,867 --> 00:15:43,167
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
477
00:15:43,167 --> 00:15:43,697
GENTLEMEN.
478
00:15:43,700 --> 00:15:45,900
WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
479
00:15:45,900 --> 00:15:47,630
NOW, HERE'S YOUR HOST, DANIEL
480
00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:48,373
TOSH.
481
00:15:48,367 --> 00:15:52,297
>> CAN YOU READ THIS?
482
00:15:52,300 --> 00:16:06,470
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
483
00:16:06,467 --> 00:16:10,627
>> THESE GUYS SOUND -- * WAIT
484
00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:12,473
TILL THE SUNSHINES NELLY *
485
00:16:12,467 --> 00:16:14,097
* WAIT TILL THE CLOUDS GO
486
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:16,570
DRIFTING BY *
487
00:16:16,567 --> 00:16:19,497
* WE WILL BE HAPPY NELLY, DON'T
488
00:16:19,500 --> 00:16:26,730
YOU CRY *
489
00:16:26,733 --> 00:16:30,073
* DOWN WHERE THE PLANE WILL
490
00:16:30,067 --> 00:16:30,497
WANDER *
491
00:16:30,500 --> 00:16:32,300
* SWEET ARE YOU AND I *
492
00:16:32,300 --> 00:16:38,770
* WAIT TILL THE SUNSHINES
493
00:16:38,767 --> 00:16:39,267
NELLY *
494
00:16:39,267 --> 00:16:44,227
* BYE AND BYE *
495
00:16:44,233 --> 00:16:52,103
* BYE AND BYE *
496
00:16:52,100 --> 00:16:58,070
[APPLAUSE]
497
00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:58,597
>> HERE'S A DOLLAR.
498
00:16:58,600 --> 00:16:59,200
>> I GUESS I WAS WRONG.
499
00:16:59,200 --> 00:17:00,070
TURNS OUT EVERYONE THAT LIVES ON
500
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:01,967
THE STREETS IN LOS ANGELES IS
501
00:17:01,967 --> 00:17:03,127
ADDICTED TO METH AND HAS A
502
00:17:03,133 --> 00:17:05,173
BEAUTIFUL, SILKY SMOOTH VOICE.
503
00:17:05,167 --> 00:17:08,367
SPEAKING OF SEXY VOICES, EVERY
504
00:17:08,367 --> 00:17:09,427
TIME I HEAR SARAH MCLACHLAN'S
505
00:17:09,433 --> 00:17:11,973
SPCA COMMERCIAL, IT DEPRESSES
506
00:17:11,967 --> 00:17:12,697
ME, BUT I BELIEVE YOU CAN PUT
507
00:17:12,700 --> 00:17:14,130
HER MUSIC BEHIND EVEN THE
508
00:17:14,133 --> 00:17:15,203
HAPPIEST ANIMAL VIDEO AND IT
509
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:21,730
WILL IMMEDIATELY BECOME SAD.
510
00:17:21,733 --> 00:17:23,873
* AND ALL YOUR TIME WAITING *
511
00:17:23,867 --> 00:17:32,227
[LAUGHTER]
512
00:17:32,233 --> 00:17:34,933
**
513
00:17:34,933 --> 00:17:42,073
[LAUGHTER]
514
00:17:42,067 --> 00:17:42,827
I NEVER THOUGHT A MONKEY PISSING
515
00:17:42,833 --> 00:17:45,173
IN HIS MOUTH WOULD MAKE ME CRY.
516
00:17:45,167 --> 00:17:46,267
DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR BLOG
517
00:17:46,267 --> 00:17:47,067
AND UPLOAD A CLIP FOR A CHANCE
518
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:48,927
TO BE OUR VIEWER VIDEO.
519
00:17:48,933 --> 00:17:49,673
THIS WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
520
00:17:49,667 --> 00:18:03,427
FROM JIM HANNA.
521
00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:06,373
[BLEEP]
522
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,067
[LAUGHTER]
523
00:18:08,067 --> 00:18:11,327
>> I THOUGHT WE WERE COOL, MAN.
524
00:18:11,333 --> 00:18:13,533
WE'VE BEEN FRIENDS SINCE YOU
525
00:18:13,533 --> 00:18:14,103
WERE BORN.
526
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:14,600
EIGHT WEEKS AGO.
527
00:18:14,600 --> 00:18:17,230
[LAUGHTER]
528
00:18:17,233 --> 00:18:21,073
I HOPE YOU KNOW I'M MOVING OUT.
529
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:27,597
GOOD LUCK WITH THE RENT,
530
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:28,430
[BLEEP].
531
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:29,173
>> THAT'S NOT VERY BELIEVABLE.
532
00:18:29,167 --> 00:18:29,927
WHY DOES SOMEBODY THAT OLD NEED
533
00:18:29,933 --> 00:18:30,473
TO HAVE A ROOMMATE?
534
00:18:30,467 --> 00:18:36,067
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
535
00:18:36,067 --> 00:18:40,297
[APPLAUSE]
536
00:18:40,300 --> 00:18:41,370
>> HAVE YOU GUYS NOTICED WE HAVE
537
00:18:41,367 --> 00:18:42,967
ALL NEW MUSIC THIS SEASON?
538
00:18:42,967 --> 00:18:43,827
THANK YOU ASIAN GUY FROM THE
539
00:18:43,833 --> 00:18:45,533
NEPTUNES.
540
00:18:45,533 --> 00:18:46,933
THOSE BEATS ARE FRESH.
541
00:18:46,933 --> 00:18:50,803
[LAUGHTER]
542
00:18:50,800 --> 00:18:51,700
NEXT WEEK, THIS GUY GETS A WEB
543
00:18:51,700 --> 00:18:59,800
REDEMPTION.
544
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:00,600
REGINALD DENNY WILL NEVER SLOW
545
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:02,570
DOWN AGAIN.
546
00:19:02,567 --> 00:19:04,167
MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TO SEE MY
547
00:19:04,167 --> 00:19:04,867
NEW STAND-UP SPECIAL, "HAPPY
548
00:19:04,867 --> 00:19:05,597
THOUGHTS," PREMIERING ON COMEDY
549
00:19:05,600 --> 00:19:07,230
CENTRAL MARCH 6TH.
550
00:19:07,233 --> 00:19:07,973
BE SURE YOU FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER
551
00:19:07,967 --> 00:19:08,697
SO WE CAN LIVE CHAT DURING THE
552
00:19:08,700 --> 00:19:10,530
SHOWS.
553
00:19:10,533 --> 00:19:12,103
AND KEEP UP WITH OUR DAILY BLOG
554
00:19:12,100 --> 00:19:14,800
OVER AT TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM.
555
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:16,400
OKAY, A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK I
556
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,970
MAKE TOO MANY JOKES ABOUT RACIAL
557
00:19:17,967 --> 00:19:19,427
STEREOTYPES, BUT THE TRUTH IS
558
00:19:19,433 --> 00:19:20,303
BLACK PEOPLE LOVE ME.
559
00:19:20,300 --> 00:19:23,270
YEAH.
560
00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:25,827
AND I ASKED THEM WHY ON TWITTER.
561
00:19:25,833 --> 00:19:27,073
THE ONLY PROBLEM IS, TWITTER
562
00:19:27,067 --> 00:19:28,067
DOESN'T HAVE A BUTTON THAT LET'S
563
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:29,367
YOU SORT PEOPLE BY RACE.
564
00:19:29,367 --> 00:19:31,067
I KNOW.
565
00:19:31,067 --> 00:19:32,327
TOTAL FLAW.
566
00:19:32,333 --> 00:19:34,103
[LAUGHTER]
567
00:19:34,100 --> 00:19:35,270
SO I HAVE TO GUESS IF MY
568
00:19:35,267 --> 00:19:37,297
FOLLOWERS ARE BLACK BASED ONLY
569
00:19:37,300 --> 00:19:39,970
ON PROFILE PICS AND TONE.
570
00:19:39,967 --> 00:19:42,627
YOUR CARDIGAN GAME IS SICK.
571
00:19:42,633 --> 00:19:43,503
WELL, THEN, I KNOW YOU LOVE
572
00:19:43,500 --> 00:19:45,570
COLLA!
573
00:19:45,567 --> 00:19:47,467
[LAUGHTER]
574
00:19:47,467 --> 00:19:48,427
THE WHITE GIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE.
575
00:19:48,433 --> 00:19:50,433
GOTTA LOVE THAT WHITE MEAT.
576
00:19:50,433 --> 00:19:53,273
I LIKE DARK MEAT.
577
00:19:53,267 --> 00:19:54,797
I KNOW IT'S NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU.
578
00:19:54,800 --> 00:19:59,070
[LAUGHTER]
579
00:19:59,067 --> 00:20:02,127
I CAN'T WIN.
580
00:20:02,133 --> 00:20:05,003
HAHA.
581
00:20:05,000 --> 00:20:06,070
YOU KEEP IT GANGSTA AND SPEAK YO
582
00:20:06,067 --> 00:20:06,827
MIND, THEM GAY JOKES IS KILLIN'
583
00:20:06,833 --> 00:20:07,603
ME THO.
584
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:10,970
MAKES ME WONDER HMMM.
585
00:20:10,967 --> 00:20:15,927
[LAUGHTER]
586
00:20:15,933 --> 00:20:18,003
YOUR BOYISH AND SOMEWHAT FEY
587
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:18,670
CHARM, COMBINED WITH YOUR
588
00:20:18,667 --> 00:20:21,197
"NOTHING IS SACRED" ATTITUDE.
589
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:21,900
HOW DO I KNOW THAT'S A BLACK
590
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:23,130
PERSON?
591
00:20:23,133 --> 00:20:25,173
I CAN TELL.
592
00:20:25,167 --> 00:20:26,997
[LAUGHTER]
593
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:27,730
I WATCH YOUR SHOW BECAUSE YOU
594
00:20:27,733 --> 00:20:29,103
MAKE FUN OF ALL RACES.
595
00:20:29,100 --> 00:20:29,800
PS, YOU SHOULD GO A LITTLE
596
00:20:29,800 --> 00:20:31,500
HARDER ON THE ASIANS.
597
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,530
[LAUGHTER]
598
00:20:32,533 --> 00:20:35,733
DULY NOTED.
599
00:20:35,733 --> 00:20:39,103
[LAUGHTER]
600
00:20:39,100 --> 00:20:40,200
YOUR FREAKING HILARIOUS!
601
00:20:40,200 --> 00:20:40,900
YOU MAKE A DULL DAY SO MUCH
602
00:20:40,900 --> 00:20:43,430
BRIGHTER!
603
00:20:43,433 --> 00:20:44,473
NOW, I KNOW IT'S A PICTURE OF A
604
00:20:44,467 --> 00:20:45,227
WHITE GIRL, BUT I ASSUME THAT'S
605
00:20:45,233 --> 00:20:46,933
JUST HIS BABY MOMMA.
606
00:20:46,933 --> 00:20:50,833
[LAUGHTER]
607
00:20:50,833 --> 00:20:51,603
YOU REMIND ME OF MY BOY, SHIFTY,
608
00:20:51,600 --> 00:20:52,330
WHO GOT LOCKED UP EIGHT MONTHS
609
00:20:52,333 --> 00:20:53,803
AGO.
610
00:20:53,800 --> 00:20:54,930
[LAUGHTER]
611
00:20:54,933 --> 00:20:56,533
I MISS SHIFTY.
612
00:20:56,533 --> 00:20:59,833
WE ALL MISS SHIFTY.
613
00:20:59,833 --> 00:21:00,573
THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT.
614
00:21:00,567 --> 00:21:01,067
GOD BLESS YOU.
615
00:21:01,067 --> 00:21:03,367
GOOD NIGHT.
616
00:21:03,367 --> 00:21:07,527
[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
37214
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