All language subtitles for Girls5eva.S01E03.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- Ah.

- What?

It's still dark.
What's going on?

Oh, it's the Egg Hunter app.

It says you're ready
to be fertilized

with an ad for Turf Builder.

Weed & Feed?

Why don't you get
the paid version?

I guess I could do it.

Hey, no, it's too early,

and ovulation takes
a couple days,

so let's just wait till I lay
a couple more eggs or whatever.

How do you know so little
about the female body?

I went to Catholic school.

I only know what they
show in paintings.

- Hello, I'm new here.
- I'm not telling you my name.

Our special today
is penne à la vodka

and Red Bull, and our
soup is Italian divorce.

I'll be back with your NDAs.

Great, so great.

Hey, guys, what are we doing?

Larry owns everything.
We got Scottie Pippen'd.

What kind of world
are we living in

where people are taking
down other people's content?

Okay, I dug up our old
agreement with Larry,

and I think he used

an old Ringling
Brothers contract.

Not even for
humans... for bears.

Why did we sign it?

We were kids. We didn't know.

I really liked my signature.

Bottom line is, he owns
all the copyrights,

and he can sue if we
sing any Girls5eva songs

- without his permission.
- Great.

- So now what?
- I have to keep working here?

I can't take this any longer.

Wickie, it's your first day.

Look, our songs were great.
We just need more of them.

How did we even
get the old ones?

Up next, "No Hat Required."

It's either about condoms

or a late 1920s shift
in men's fashion.

- Either way, try to sound horny.
- Always.

Lar, I-I wrote a song,
if we need it after.

Um, it's about something
that doesn't kill you

- making you stronger.
- What, like vampires?

Stay in your lane.

- We got Swedes who handle this.
- It's stupid.

Look, we only have the
room for two more minutes,

so sing fast.

We'll slow it in post. Go!

Swedes?

Pardon.

I got it. Let me see.

"Lyrics by Alf Mu-usic."

Well, that sounds Swedish.

Oops. Dawn, if you
had a mustache,

would you want me
to tell you that?

Our songs were
written by Alf Music?

Oh, my God, he's
written for everyone!

Black Eyed Peas,
Britney, Katy Perry!

He's the one who
came up with rhyming

- "fire" and "tiger."
- No!

Oh, he has more Grammys
than LeVar Burton.

What, you don't follow
who wins for audio books?

How do we find Alf Music

and get him to write
us another hit?

Eff it.

I am booking us four
tickets to Stockholm.

- He lives an hour away.
- Siri, undo!

- Apparently he's a reclusive,

and he never leaves
his compound,

and he recently turned down
a collaboration with Future

because he's only
concerned with the present.

Jesus, this guy's the big times.

Ooh, I found the
main studio line.

There's always a way to
meet a man with an ego.

Ooh.

- Music-Music International.
- How may I hang up on you?

- This is Jonathan Barron

from MasterClass.

We wish to invite Alf Music

to be our definitive teacher

on our class on birthing a hook.

Alf is out of the country,
but I'll relay the message.

Not a problem.

We'll just call
David Guetta instead.

- Burn.
- David Guetta?

I am superior. Set
the meeting, Emil.

- We're in.

The doorway is arched, and
the entryway is arched.

We could live like
kings in Indianapolis.

That house is $48.

It has a in-ground trampoline.

Maxie, come sit with us.

- Oscar is sitting there.
- Right.

Your invisible friend.
Can you sit on his lap?

No, I would hurt him.

Oh, Jesus, the Egg Hunter app.

Insert in five, four...

- It's so aggressive.

My phone was... off.

Timing isn't bad though.

They just put the final
tile in the backsplash.

I know what that does to you.
I'll set up Max with the iPad.

Uh, don't you want to see

if the couple
embraces clean lines?

What is up with you?

Are you not in for another baby?

I thought we had a plan.

Two kids, then two dogs.

Then once they're in
college and dog cemeteries,

we do a thousand
puzzles, and then we die.

It's... it's just the group.

You know, things are
more complicated now.

I... I could use some
time to figure things out.

If you don't put
the addition on now,

it'll be too late.

I get it. I'm 40.

We also need to think about Max.

Are we really gonna
deprive him of a sibling?

I just don't want him to
turn out weird, you know?

Max isn't gonna be weird.

If I didn't have my
property brother,

- my life would be meaningless.
- Oh, Jesus.

I've never been this
excited to meet a man.

I mean, Mark Ruffalo
at a pet store

came close, but...

I'm sorry, but I
requested no conversation.

- Oh, he's such a cutie.
- Oh.

- And I don't lie about that.
- I'll call a pig a pig.

Thanks, I know.

- Max is the best.
- Wow.

Yeah, he's a classic
New York lonely boy.

- What?
- New York lonely boy.

A son born to older parents

who's more comfortable
around adults than kids.

Yeah, they're all over
the city, eating sushi.

They usually wear a fedora,
high-fiving a doorman.

That sounds like
some Manhattan shit.

We're Queens people.

Our heat comes from one
really hot, vertical pipe.

No, they're in all the boroughs

except Staten Island

'cause there's never been
an only child from there.

How do you know about this?

Half my patients have one,

but you're in good company.
John Slattery has one.

Kyle MacLachlan has one.
Matthew Broderick is one.

That is it.

Leaping labia!

- Oh, my God.
- Yes.

First MasterClass question, Alf.

How would you like to be a part

of the biggest comeback
in pop music history?

Sounds neat. Fun question.

Teaching is quite easy.

Well, guess what.

- It's us.
- We reunited.

I do not recognize you,
which can mean only...

You are Girls5eva!

- Coffee order, sir.
- Who wants what from the truck?

We're the PAs.

A white frittata
or mushroom omelet

or the soup is ham.

We already did the reveal, guys.

G5E, look at you.

And only one is dead.

That's pretty good, actually.

So you remember us?

How could I forget
my only failure.

Other than my nine marriages.

I wouldn't use the word failure.

Oh, is there a word in
English worse than failure?

Because in Swedish, it
is...

It describes a
state in one's life

when you must shit
and your only hut.

- Oh.
- Huh.

My whole career has been touched

by Odin's golden thumb...

- Platinum, double platinum...

But you are the one exception.

Only the one hit.

- You are my white whales.
- That's very rude.

Well, we're back together, so...

From your song, "Seize
the Tonight ."

- Yeah.
- Oh.

You use my own beautiful
words against me.

I am intrigu-ed, but real talk.

It has been an entire Zendaya
since you have recorded music.

A test. Sing my charade!

- Oh, my goodness.
- What?

Okay.

- What?

It was the concept
of generosity.

- Ugh!
- Crap!

I almost said that.

But you have more than one good.

- You have the goods.
- Oh, my God.

- The muse has mounted me.
- Oh!

- Emil will be in touch!
- Okay.

Let him know if you
prefer email or text.

FYI, my mouth looks
good when it says "wow."

Dawn, I quit the restaurant.

Look at us, making big moves

with major players.

- Alf's gonna write us a hit.

And then teens
will TikTok to it.

Like...

- Oh!

- I don't know.
- Whoa, Dawn.

Charli D'Amelio
will figure it out.

Then we get invited
to Jingle Ball,

then world tour,
then standing ovation

during the Grammys
in memoriam montage.

I skipped over a bunch of stuff.

Don't worry.

We die at 90 in a
yacht explosion.

Wait, is that a...

Gloria was right. Oh, no.

I will not adjust
my pace for you!

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How was the studio?
- Amazing, amazing!

Hey, Maxie, baby.

Wow, that is a cool
drawing of you and Daddy.

- It's me and Oscar.
- Your imaginary friend?

- What... isn't he a little boy?
- He's a doorman.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, um, hey, hey,
hey, let's, um...

- Let's do something fun, huh?
- Okay, Mommy.

- Let's dance!
- Yes, let's dance!

Let's dance!

Okay, you want to do
the Elmo Slide or...

Alexa play "The Daily."

Today on "The
Daily," our broken...

- Shut up, Michael Barbaro!
- Alexa, shut up!

Ugh, I'm gonna give
you to Goodwill.

- Alexa, off.
- Aw, man.

- Are you okay?

We are not giving Max
a normal childhood.

He's a New York lonely boy.

- We need to make a baby now.
- I'll get the iPad.

- No, um... it'll be fine.
- I'll fix him.

Help yourself to smoked salmon.

- We have it in fish or vape.

Fuck me. This is pole caught.

Whoa, what is this award?

Alf's Bjorky,

the ultimate Nordic music prize.

Resist the urge

to stare directly into it.

- Alf will be with you...
- Now.

- Oh.
- Smart house, heard it all.

I birthed a seriously hot hook.

It arrived during a sauna fever.

Let's lay it down fresh.

Just feel it, you
know, messy, messy.

Raw as surstromming.

- Okay.
- I'll lead it off.

- Of course, of course.
- And... playback.

Sorry, Alf.

This song is five
stars, wow, wow, wow,

but could I just go
grab a tea real quick

- to slick my instrument?
- Sure, sore Wickers.

I need to take a
smoke break anyway.

Okay. Let's take five hours.

Group meeting now.

Oh, my goodness.

- What is wrong with you two?
- Yeah!

I don't know about that song.

- What?
- Yes, thank you.

Do we really want
to call ourselves

- side pieces for life?
- Oh, right.

Because it should be
"side pieces five life."

I mean, my nieces
shouldn't aspire

to be side pieces. They
are built to be farmers.

I thought Alf was gonna write us

- a fun song like our old stuff.
- Are you kidding?

That song is exactly
like our old stuff.

How have I never noticed this?

Do earworms bore
holes in your brain?

We performed "Dream
Girlfriends" last week.

There's a whole verse
about how we agree

that female
stand-ups are a drag.

- Oh, my God.
- Are we part of the problem?

Did we cause Hillary
to lose Pennsylvania?

- Oh, grow up!
- This is pop music,

- not Vermont public radio.
- Yeah.

We were no wronger
than anyone else.

Britney, " I'm A Slave 4 U,"
Destiny's Child "Cater 2 U,".

ABBA, "Dancing Queen"

- was only 17.
- Right.

You two are just being prudes.

Oh, no, ma'am, no.

- I power walk to "WAP", okay?
- Mm-hmm.

I am positively sex-positive.

I will whip out a titty

right now like a
hard-boiled egg.

I get why we sang this
stuff as teenagers,

but we have adult ear holes now.

Don't mess this up for me.

I have a lot riding
on this group.

And I don't?

I'm putting off having a
second baby for this group.

So what do you want?

A song that's all...

Well, you're
undermining your point

because that sounds
freaking amazing.

Then let me sing it.

It would be like...

- Oh, honey.
- Well, what do you want to do?

Tell a guy with a
thousand Grammys

that we don't like his song?

Yeah, what do you want to do?

Smart house.

You have a problem with my song?

I worked quite hard on
it. 40 minutes, 20 metric.

No, it's fire.

right before "cram it wherever."

Yeah, let's lay
that down, ladies.

Vanta, vanta. You too

why do you look like children
during darkness months?

Well, since you took
Wickie's note about "wow,"

I'm not crazy about calling
myself a side piece.

No judgment on side pieces
if that's a piece's choice.

It just doesn't feel very
reflective of my life.

Music isn't facts, Dawn.

Okay, "Despaticito"? Like,
that's not a real word.

My song is not accurate
to your experience?

Well, certainly not my verse
where I bed down a teenage boy.

I mean, I'm deep-fried gay, Alf.

I could write a bridge
where you experiment

with a tattoo waitress for
your boyfriend's birthday.

I love women when they
are gay like this.

- I may not be gay like that.
- I might be.

We don't know.

- What?
- I have spent my whole career

writing songs for women,

but now you make me feel
as if I know nothing.

- We didn't mean to offend you.
- You have not offended me.

You have challenged me.

This is garbage for Girls5eva.

- Oh!

I will write you a song
fresh and authentic

from an adult
woman's perspective.

But maybe leave
out the mom stuff.

It won't sell. I'm
not a magician.

Please do. It's so gross.

- That was empowering.
- We got lucky.

Whatever he comes back
with, we are taking.

- Well, obvs.

I have never been
the problem here.

- Did I put my breasts back?
- Yeah, I did.

I knew that I did, but I
always worry that I didn't

like leaving a curling iron on.

Okay, what flavor
do you want, buddy?

- Earl Grey.
- Earl Grey?

Jesus, okay. They
don't have that.

What about... what
about chocolate?

- No, thank you, Mama.
- Mama, can we go there?

Uh, just come have
some chocolate, Max.

I don't want to!

- Have a childhood!
- Don't fight it.

Sorry, I didn't
mean to bother you,

but it looks like
you've got yourself

a New York lonely boy there.

Um... yeah.

I guess I do, John Slattery.

All I can say is
congratulations.

A New York lonely boy
is the greatest gift

- a parent could ask for.
- It is?

- Heck, yeah.
- I had five siblings.

I was too busy fighting for food

to develop a single
goddamn interest,

but this kid, he
teaches us things.

He knows Mandarin. He
makes sourdough bread.

He makes these little movies.

- Oh, with the marionettes.
- It's very imaginative.

Yeah, loves museums.

Oh, he's really good
at a dinner party.

And what was that thing
you said the other night?

Never trust a
restaurant on a corner.

- He's right.
- They always phone it in.

Every day's like father's
day. He's our best friend.

- Don't worry.
- They don't stay lonely forever.

Before you know it,

they're dating a
23-year-old named Lucy.

She's a landscape architect,

but she also submits
fiction to "The New Yorker."

So I won't ruin my son by
not having another baby?

No, if anything, the
baby will ruin him.

Want to meet my friend Oscar?

Sure I would. Hello, Oscar.

They all have these
adult imaginary friends.

I thought we had
a ghost for weeks

until some therapist told me

it's because they idolize
their grandfathers.

These kids are incredible.

- Thank you so much.
- Pleasure.

Now go get him a weird
jazz hat and a $40 pen.

Go ahead, buddy.

Come on, Oscar!

Remember, no edits.

Hey, as long as he took
our notes, I'm happy.

- Jinx.
- That's not how jinx works.

Wait, whatever it is,

let's be sexy
sailors in the video

cause I already learned knots.

I apologize for before.

I behave like ,

- a sickly little prince.
- Oh.

But I stayed up all night

and created something
wholly original...

- Okay.
- For Girls5eva.

Ooh... it's a spooky one.

Vanta, vanta. I'm...

I'm sorry, Alf...

But what is this?

An authentic anthem
for Girls5eva.

How so?

Typically, when I write
songs about women,

I just take a Buzzfeed quiz
about Disney princesses.

- I'm a Jasmine.
- Me too.

But you made me realize
I need to go deeper,

so I observed you in my
driveway... smart house.

Oh.

You have a square car

that is not fit for
any music video,

not even for a commercial
about Maryland.

I saw you freshen your armpit
with a Listerine breath strip.

You excitedly took a
call from spam risk.

- Hello?

Oh, my insurance has run out.

They hung up first.

Well, that's not indicative
of the whole group.

My thought as well, so I
followed you last night.

- You are the most fascinating.
- Thank you.

I witnessed your
harrowing journey

to buy Baked Lay's
from a Duane Reade.

Your boots could not
accommodate the ramp,

but instead of leaving,

you choose to scoot
up it like a toddler.

No one helped you,

nor did it seem like
you expected them to.

Well, that's the
end of my thing.

Inside, it seemed like your
prayers had been answered,

but the machine, she
had a different plan.

Shit! Help!

Instead of abandoning the shoe,

you just replaced it with
an inverted cola bottle,

a shoe you are
still wearing today.

Ugh, they were $3,000.

What lives are these?

There was no VIP,
no bottles popping,

no featurings of Pitbull,
and it was Friday.

One has got to get
down on Friday.

It was so sad to me.

- Look...

- I may live in a hell hole...
- Hey!

And I may spend part of
each day trying to locate

where one of my implants
medically migrated to...

- Swung over to the left side.
- But I am not sad.

Well, you must take
this or leave this.

I can give you no more.

I play this for Justin
Bieber's pastor,

and he called it
Jingle Ball material.

- Jingle Ball!
- No.

I'm sorry, Alf, but
I'm not sad either.

I like my life,

and I love my New
York lonely boy.

Same. Not sad.

I mean, sometimes
I get horned up

when I listen to
murder podcasts,

- but that's been a while.
- Guys, what are we doing?

- We need a song.
- Then I'll write it.

I used to write before
Larry shot me down.

I wrote the jingle for my
brother's first business.

Okay, not going lie.

That is actually
a panty-dropper.

So you are saying no to me?

Thank you, Alf, but Girls5eva...

- Is officially leaving it.

No.

Thank you.

I have never yet before

felt the sting of Loki's
iron sickle of rejection.

I must use it. Emil,
get me Ed Sheeran.

- Oh.

- Guess what.
- I'm gonna write songs.

That's exciting.

And I decided I don't
want to get pregnant.

I like what we have, and
Max is gonna be fine.

I know.

I ran into Kyle
MacLachlan today,

but, Dawn...

I still want another baby.

I love being a dad.

That's the only
thing I'm good at

besides mastering the AeroPress.

So this conversation isn't over.

Really?

You're
so sure of yourself.

- Why am I horny?
- You're ovulating.

How do you know so little
about the female...

Oh, shut up!

Hat required!

- Pass.
- Intercourse detected.

Let's turn up your
cartoons, Max.

- Wait, what are you watching?
- The situation is stable.

"Chernobyl."

Sure. Why not?

I insist it's stable.

- Goodnight, everybody!
- Goodnight!