All language subtitles for Future.Man.S03E08.WEBRip.x264-ION10

MAN: Previously
on "Future Man"...

‐ Another escape on your watch,
Saint Jackalope?

‐ Get bent, Mathers.

RANDALL: You know,
if they cancel the show,

the network will take me
and Stanley away.

SUSAN:
That's not gonna happen.

JOSH:
This isn't Haven,

but I believe that something
is happening tonight

at midnight
that will take us there.

‐ I think the universe
is ending.

We're looking at temporal
decay, time overlapping,

future and past
existing simultaneously.

It's like a black hole
but for time.

Eventually,
it'll get so big,

it'll suck every timeline
into it.

MAN: Original Tim
ripped a whole in space‐time.

The rip makes time travel
possible,

but its continued use makes
the apocalypse inevitable.

[thunder booming]

JOSH: Ahh!

WOLF: Ahh!

‐ You came.

WOLF: I knew you would.

‐ [coughing]
It burns.

‐ My lungs are on fire.

This air is poison.

‐ Where are we?
Is this‐‐is it the past?

Is it the future?

‐ Is it even Earth?

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ [gasps]

I had sex
with Marilyn Monroe.

And Jesus.

‐ Why can't you keep
a goddamn rhythm?

[crowd jeering]

‐ I'm so alone.

‐ Ahh!
‐ Oof! Oh! Oh!

‐ People as weak as you,

well, they need protection,
not scorn.

‐ Oh, shit.

I was a loser.

[dramatic music]

‐ [breathing heavily]

Balance is within.
Balance is within.

Balance is within.
WOLF: [groans]

‐ Balance is within.
‐ We gotta go!

‐ Go? To where? How?

Wait, the cubes.

We can put the cubes together,
and Susan will come.

He's gonna help us, okay?
Get your cubes‐‐

‐ You, zip it.
You're not the boss of me!

You took advantage of me
when I was in a weakened state.

You made me feel so small!

‐ You do that to me
all the time!

‐ Well,
it's not a nice thing to do!

We're going back to Iowa State.

‐ What? Why?
‐ To save the universe.

‐ Since when is that a thing
you care about?

‐ I don't know.
Spending eternity

in an existential
netherworld changes a person!

‐ What?

‐ The weak deserve
our protection.

‐ No! I want to go home!

I want‐‐I want to see‐‐
I want to see my parents!

I want to forget!

I‐‐I'm out of
the savior business!

Oh, fuck.
That's‐‐that's the same thing

I told Jesus
when I broke up with him.

‐ Killer burn!

Going home to Mommy
and Daddy's gonna have to wait.

‐ We can do both.

We use the cubes
to summon Susan.

He's expecting Haven.

We take him to Iowa State,
show him the way.

Josh, you go home from there

knowing that you honored
the deal in good faith.

Wolf, you stay,
fulfilling your new calling

as a man who serves others,
not just himself.

Our journeys, they only
conflict if we allow them to.

‐ Okay.

Ready? Three, two, one!

SUSAN: All right,
another meteor arrives in ten,

so let's make this quick.

I got a rendition team
on standby.

Show me the stronghold.
I assume it's subterranean?

‐ Sorry, Susan.

This isn't Haven,
but we're gonna take you there.

JOSH: Oh, fire.
WOLF: Holy shit.

We should probably leave soon.

JOSH: Uh‐huh.

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ ♪

[thunder booming]

SUSAN: Wow, this is Haven.

WOLF: No,
it's Iowa State University,

home of the Cyclones,
gateway to Haven.

Also, it's the end
of space‐time,

and the universe
is collapsing in on itself.

SUSAN: Hmm?
What is that horrible noise?

JOSH: That's new.

SUSAN: Can someone tell me
what's happening here?

WOLF: Overlapping timelines,
other realities

colliding into our own
faster and faster and faster

until they all become one,
and that one gets‐‐

‐ Sucked into a big fucking
time hole.

You're telling me
the Big Suck is real?

WOLF: Very, and from the looks
of things outside,

it's happening right now.

‐ This is bullshit.
‐ No, it's not.

If what he's saying
is true, then‐‐

‐ Yeah, but‐‐
but how do we know?

I've been in a room
just like this

looking at a blackboard
with a bunch of shit on it

that's all made up.

We're not scientists.
You are a game show host.

‐ My Daytime Emmy
says "presenter."

‐ Okay.
You're a chef‐slash‐

wheel maker‐slash‐guy who used
to blow stuff up with bombs.

Let's check in
with our fearless leader.

‐ Amazing.
‐ Yeah, see?

No one's home there,

and I failed
high school chemistry twice.

You think that this team
of ragtag heroes

is gonna solve the mysteries
of the universe

in a 20‐minute jam session?

‐ Not with that attitude.
‐ We're doing it again.

We're trying
to make things better,

and we're just gonna end up
making things worse.

‐ This time is different.

This device allows me
to access any moment

across every timeline,
but it's telling me

that near here is a time
and place that is singular.

‐ So?
‐ So infinite universes

with infinite timelines,

do you know how many moments
in space exist uniquely?

‐ You obviously know that we
don't know the answer to that.

I barely understand
the premise of the question.

‐ 60. A trillion.
‐ None.

‐ Oh, the ultimate anomaly.

‐ So the portal that opens
at midnight is the only portal.

‐ And the Big Time that presses
that button at midnight

is the only Big Time.

We stop him,
we stop the rip in space‐time

from ever happening,
save the universe.

‐ And we can end
time travel forever.

‐ What?

No, please no more circles.
It's a sickness.

‐ This is the rip
that made time travel possible.

‐ This tracks.
SUSAN: Sure does.

‐ Just gonna add
one more circle.

SUSAN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
JOSH: Do not add one more‐‐

Wolf, please, I‐‐stop! Stop!

This was not the deal.
The deal was,

we get you to Haven,
and you give us our freedom.

‐ Well, I'm in.

Universe isn't gonna
save itself.

Tiger?

‐ Oh, my path is unclear.
I'll know when it appears.

‐ That's a soft yes
if ever I heard one.

‐ Futturman, I loved my job
in the entertainment

division of the government,
but the network has a way

of sucking the joy
out of any endeavor,

including hunting humans
for sport,

which is pretty cool,

but we end time travel,
I'm free.

Sure, I'll be stuck in 1999,
but I'll be stuck here

with the only ones
who I really care about.

This is my family, and it's
totally normal in my time.

‐ Well, uh,
I don't keep my family

in little cubes in my pocket,
and you guys clearly do not

need my help to go
and stop a guy in his dorm room

from doing whatever the fuck
he's about to do,

so please just send me home.

‐ All right.

This TTD is preprogrammed

to take you back to the moment
that you defeated Biotic Wars.

If you wear this
when you travel,

you will have no memory

of anything
that happened afterwards.

‐ Wow.
‐ If you're gonna use that,

use it before midnight,

'cause that's when
we're gonna close the portal,

end time travel
once and for all.

‐ Come on, Josh.
There's a Viking long ship

docked outside
this building right now.

You're seriously
just gonna walk away?

This has the trappings
of perhaps

our greatest adventure yet.

‐ I'm done adventuring.

I'm just‐‐
just ready to go home.

‐ Okay.

You better get going then.

‐ Ooh!

Does this version of you
do good‐byes or‐‐

‐ Endings and beginnings

are just constructs
of an imprisoned mind.

‐ I'm out.

‐ All right,
plan's pretty simple.

There's a mad computer genius

holed up
in his dorm room plotting

to rip the world
a new one at midnight.

We got 20 minutes,
there are three of us,

and we know exactly
where to find him,

and in my experience, computer
geniuses turtle pretty fast.

How could we possibly fail?

[explosion and clattering]

Okay, I see one way.

SUSAN: Mathers.

I'll hold them off. You go.

Stop Big Time.

I'm re‐doing my living room.
Go!

[thunder booming]

‐ [exhales]

I'm out?

That's a shitty good‐bye.

I got time.

JOSH: Guys, quick,
we're gonna lose him.

There. There he is.

SUSAN: Act like you've stalked
the internet

measuring time
and space before.

TIGER: Yeah,
stick to the shadows, rook.

JOSH: Okay, sorry.

That was weird.

Oh, the dorm.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

‐ Shit,
unstoppable murder bot.

I hate that guy.

‐ I must face him.

That's my path.

‐ Okay, okay, look, uh,

I understand you went through
a little something in Haven.

We all did, but that's
a straight‐up suicide mission.

‐ Haven't they all been
suicide missions?

‐ I mean, we call them
suicide missions,

because it sounds cool,
but, well,

to be honest, most of them
are homicide missions.

This, this is suicide.

‐ Perhaps. I mean,
I know I can't defeat him,

but I can make sure
he doesn't defeat us.

Go.

Complete your transformation
from selfish to selfless.

‐ I need you to know

that no matter what happens,

you will always be like
an incredibly hot

former stepsister to me.

‐ I have complicated feelings
for you as well.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[electricity crackling]

‐ Susan.

Susan.

♪ ♪

[electricity crackling]

♪ ♪

Oh, Susan.

Only you would try
to hide on a stage.

‐ "The Matrix," all right,
Keanu Reeves, Carrie Ann Moss,

I mean, it's so good.

‐ We've identified witnesses.
Awaiting your command.

‐ Terminate them.
‐ Copy.

WOLF: These aren't
time rogues; they're nerds.

JOSH: Not cool.
WOLF: You're telling me.

Look at these dweebs.

JUAN: The theme is,
"The Next Millennium."

WOLF: Make the theme "Girls,"
and maybe some will show up.

Am I right?

[echoing]
Right? Right? Right? Right?

Redemption,
thy name is Wolf.

[dramatic music]

I got time.

‐ Ahh!

[gasping]

Fuck that hurts.

‐ [sighs]

I'm bringing you in,
Saint Jackalope,

and with the capital
that earns me,

you're looking at
the next network president.

‐ You're just a bureaucrat
whose only real skill

is blind ambition,

none of the traits
of a network president.

MATHERS: I may not have
your flair for theater,

but I do know a little bit
about entertainment.

I'm not just gonna
cancel your show

without a proper send‐off.

There will be a series finale
featuring "The DieCathlon's"

very own host

as its final contestant.

‐ Fuck, that's a good idea.

‐ Oh, you thought you were
so clever,

hacking your cerebellum,
turning off your DNA address.

How would I possibly know
where you'd turn up?

Unfortunately...

The network
has all kinds of ways

of tracking its property.

NUT‐FACE JOSH: God damn it,
Gandhi, now is not the time

to meditate!
Come on, guys.

My best friend Osama bin Laden
says paradise awaits.

Haven this way, let's go.

‐ Oh, shit.

WOMAN ON TV: A very excited
crowd here at Times Square.

NUT‐FACE JOSH: I don't know
about you guys.

But I am ready to want
for nothing.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Haven awaits.

‐ You know, for an unstoppable
killing machine,

someone's got a sweet tooth.

Trail ends here,

but for you, my friend,
the journey is just beginning.

Ahh!

[dramatic music]

WOLF: [grunts]

BOTH: [grunting]

‐ Ahh!

Ugh!

[grunting]

‐ Awesome.

‐ Keg's dusted,
and so are you.

Keg toss!

Trying to shoot my nerd?

‐ Ugh!

‐ My nerd?

They say the sodium
in this stuff will kill you.

Guess my name's sodium.

Ahh! Augh!

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

Mm‐mm.

‐ Bet you wish you'd turned
this thing's field level down.

‐ Look, just wipe her memory
and reprogram her.

Have her do
small engine repair.

Just don't kill her.

‐ Her? You mean it,
and you can kiss it good‐bye.

‐ No!

‐ [screaming]

SUSAN: She's not an it.

Her name is Stanley,

and she's my daughter,
you son of a bitch.

‐ [screaming]

‐ [gasping and coughing]

You're conditioned to kill.

It's what you do.

It's who you are,
but somewhere,

somewhere in your programming

there's a curious bit of code
wondering,

"Is that all I am?"

You're‐‐you're remembering

a life in Sparta,

a life that was all your own,

life before wartime

holding on to who we think
we are.

It's a great‐‐

it's a great comfort,

but it's also a cage.

‐ [screaming]

‐ All right, Stanley, she's‐‐

she's very dead.

That's‐‐
that's just overkill, sweetie.

Oh, actually, you know what?
That's my bad.

I've got you set way past
normal kill.

There we go.

‐ Daddy, you saved me.

‐ No, sweetie, you saved me.

‐ Augh.

[groans]

‐ Thank you for saving us.

‐ No, no, thank you.

I know your struggle.

I know the pain
of being unloved.

But I know now that my path
lies in helping others.

‐ Well, what should
we call you?

‐ Oh,

I don't need recognition.

I'm nobody.

‐ No, I mean should we call you
an ambulance,

or do you want to take a taxi
to the hospital?

NUT‐FACE JOSH: Jesus Christ,
hurry up. No, not you, Jesus.

I know you're doing the best
you can in those sandals.

What's your excuse,
Roberto Clemente?

‐ Wow, what a dick.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

WOMAN ON TV:
Let's go back to...

♪ ♪

‐ Whoa!

‐ What exactly are you
doing, dude?

‐ I had to use the whole dorm's
network to get all the movies

so I could be the guy
who had all the movies.

How was I supposed to know that
one of the files was corrupt?

Fucking sliding doors.

Sometimes I wonder
what my life would be like

if I didn't download
that movie.

‐ So wait, all of this is
because you're trying to give

everyone a new computer virus

to cover up for the one
you already gave them?

‐ Yeah, but they don't know
I gave it to them yet,

and I can blame it all on Y2K.

I got time. Last semester
was hell for me, no friends.

Everyone calls me Big Time,
because once I mentioned

I was JV tetherball captain.

‐ Oof, Big Time.
‐ I know, and that was before

I destroyed
everyone's computers.

If they find out about this,

next semester
will be even worse.

‐ You know, I really understand
the feeling

of wanting to press a button
and undo all your mistakes.

‐ We got time.

BIG TIME:
This is a good plan.

It'll work.

JOSH: Where are they?

BIG TIME:
Come on, come on.

I can fix this.

I can fix this. I can fix this.
I can fix this.

‐ Do you know how many times

those exact words
have come out of my mouth?

But you can't fix it.

What's done is done.

All you can do now is‐‐

is try to handle
these consequences

with a little bit of grace
and a little bit of courage.

‐ You don't understand.
This is the end of the world.

‐ I know that it feels
like that to you,

but it isn't.

The world has a sick,
sick sense of humor,

and it will surprise you
how it reacts

to all your little ways
to fix things.

You end up in a very,

very weird place
with a very different vibe,

and that tetherball thing
comes back in a big way.

‐ What?
‐ The point is,

you can't cover up
your mistakes, okay?

You can own them.
You can learn from them.

You can make them a part
of who you are.

That is how
you build character.

Let this moment be the origin
story for your character.

MAN: Get close to somebody
you love.

‐ Say good‐bye to the old you.

Grow up. Move on.

MAN ON TV:
And we're gonna count...

‐ We can't go back.

MAN ON TV:
Are you ready?

TIGER: Oh, no. Oh, no.

WOLF: Oh, if we're out here,
we're out of time.

MAN ON TV:
Six, five,

four, three, two, one.

[fireworks booming]

‐ The anomalies have stopped.

Just the calm before
the real shit storm.

‐ We die together,

a good death.

‐ Oh, hey.

I have a useless
pocket watch for you

and a souvenir headband
for you.

Look, we've, uh,

we've never been good
at good‐byes,

so why start now?

‐ You stopped him.
JOSH: You were right, Tiger.

Our journeys only conflict
if we allow them to.

Besides,
I think it was about time

I moved out
of my parents' house anyhow.

‐ [grunts]

Well, that's all of them.

Get these bad boys on ice,
you can set yourself up

with a nice little
black market organ business.

Me and Kiefer knew a guy in
Little Armenia back in the day.

Oh, he would take these off
your hands tout de suite.

‐ I think I'm actually gonna
dispose of any evidence

that ties me to 3491,
but thanks.

Well,
maybe not all the evidence.

Guys, actually,

these are the murderers
I was telling you about.

‐ Oh, I have data‐sorbed
so much about you three.

You know, I think deep down

Susan
was rooting for you all along.

‐ Don't tell them.

Anyway,
who's ready for a road trip?

‐ We are 254.8 miles
from the icon

of the American capitalist
experiment,

Mall of America.

I suggest we chart
a course with alacrity.

‐ How do you not love this kid?
It's impossible.

Anyway, vehicle,
move in a forward fashion.

Set a vector.

Hello, vehicle?

Hello, vehicle.
I'm your new owner, Susan.

And I would like to chart
a course.

‐ You think they're
gonna be okay?

SUSAN: Respond to me, vehicle.
JOSH: Yeah.

SUSAN: Vehicle?

JOSH: Well, guys,
stuck in the year 2000.

WOLF: Dawn of a new millennium.

JOSH: Gotta say,
I did not expect this

to turn out in this way.

WOLF: Fun of the ride,
isn't it?

JOSH: Yeah.

TIGER: You know, it's taken me
10,000 lifetimes

to learn how to say this,
but I finally can.

It's "Futturman,"
not "Foo‐tturman."

I know that now.

JOSH: Very good.

TIGER: And I'm happy
to know you.

JOSH: You too.

Wolf, anything else
you care to add?

WOLF: I'm proud of everything
you've accomplished.

JOSH: Oh, thanks.

WOLF: With my penis.
JOSH: Okay.

Hey, um, question,

how did you guys design,
mass produce,

and send a video game
back through time

when you were living
in a sewer.

WOLF: Well, Josh,
the answer to that

is remarkably simple,
see...

[indistinct chatter]

WOMAN: Whoo!

[indistinct chatter]

WOMAN: Whoo!

‐ [sighs]

‐ You don't know me.

I'm from the future,

and in another timeline.
we were best of friends.

We accomplished
amazing things together.

You're better than this place,

but I'm here to take you away
from all this.

‐ Okay.

WOLF: You got a gym bag?

‐ Nope.

‐ You just drove here
like that?

‐ Yeah.

‐ Classic Blaze.

We're told we only have
one life to live,

but that's not really true.

And that's why Corey Wolfhart's
Home for Wayward Nerds

is the philanthropic endeavor
I'm most excited about for Q3.

We grow, change, evolve,

sometimes in ways
that surprise even ourselves.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

How bad is it?

‐ People in the street are
calling him the Squiggler.

However, I don't know why.

WOLF: I'm coming for you,
Squiggler.

♪ ♪

TIGER: We can create newer,
better versions of who we are,

open to all of life's
wonders and possibilities...

[sheep bleating]

Finding strength
we didn't know we had,

peace where before
there was chaos.

JOSH:
You just have to be willing

to get out of your room
when the chance arrives,

and maybe let go
of some things

you didn't think
you could live without.

‐ Are we pushing him too high?
‐ Not high enough.

‐ Well, with that kind of
mixed messaging,

how do we not fuck this kid up?

WOMAN:
[laughs]

Hey,
there's that weirdo again.

MAN: Oh.

What's your problem, man?

Hey, beat it, you perv.

Yeah, keep walking.

We'll always be here for you,
Joshie.

‐ Always.
‐ [laughs]

‐ That's right.
‐ Yeah!

JOSH: Figuring out just who
you are can take time...

WOMAN: Someone went a little
nuts with the Sunny D.

JOSH: For some a lot more
than others,

but we all get there sooner
or later.

[sweeping orchestral music]

♪ ♪