All language subtitles for Casting.Couch.2013.720p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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- Hi, I'm Lindsay griffin.

- I'm Chelsea Morgan.

- Kristin fox.
- Taylor Hawkins.

- I'm Kimmy.
- Alex Taylor.

- Hi.

- Dallas Mitchell reading
for the role of Brooke.

- I'm Justin,

But some people
call me brilliant.

- And for those of
you that don't yet,

You will.

- ♪ Be anyone,
tell no one ♪

♪ Get laid

- Today's the day that
I officially realized

That my life sucks.

Yes, I'm hung over.

Yes, last night
was my birthday.

And yes,
I woke up alone again.

Well, not totally alone.
Come say hi, newt.

- Uh, hi.

- And right now, I should be
going on my next audition.

But I'm not going to.

Go ahead, newt.
Ask me why.

- Why? - Because I
won't get the part.

I never get the part.

And honestly,
I really don't want the part

In this shitty,
low-budget independent movie

With a bunch of shitty
fucking wannabe actors.

Do you know what
I really want?

Go ahead, newt.
Ask me.

- What do you
really want, Justin?

- To get laid by a
ridiculously hot chick.

- I have no idea what
he's talking about.

He wants to shoot some
kind of documentary.

But he offered me ten bucks
and a chipotle burrito

For every day I follow
him around with my camera.

- What, don't act
like you're all cool.

You're unemployed.

- This is true.

- Problem is, type of
girls that I want to bang

Don't want to bang me.

These Hollywood hotties
want a guy with power.

They want someone who
can change their life.

And by life,
I mean career.

The perfect hangover cure.

This documentary is
about a group of dudes

Who hold a fake casting
session for a fake movie

So that we can
get laid for real.

Come on, newt.
Let's go get chase.

Hey, roomie.

- Get out.

- He's like a kitten
in the morning.

I need you get
over Jordan, man.

- I'm over her.

- Well, it doesn't
look like it.

- It's really over this time.

- My roommate?
Maybe you've heard of him.

Chase Lockwood?

He's a major star
in china and India

For some "b" horror
alien film he did.

He might even be a bigger
star in west Hollywood

For starring in
what I like to call

The bisexual
parody of twilight.

He was the "Edward."

That's what you
always say, bro.

People that break up 17 times
are not meant to be together.

- You don't understand.

- Understand what?

- She was the best sex ever.

- You know,
it did sound pretty good.

Paper-thin.

Now, Chase's ex-girlfriend,
Jordan Holliday,

She's a smoking-hot chick.

But I'm sure you know that,

Seeing as she is
a huge movie star.

- ♪ She's so hot ♪

♪ So I’m a take
her home to make ♪

- But she's the biggest bitch
west of the Mississippi.

Think her exact words were...

- "I need a man,
not a boy."

- Love my roommate.
Love living in his condo.

But he's totally
one of those actors.

And we're stating
he's a model too--

Not for anything good.

In fact, he may be the
vainest person in Los Angeles,

Complete with a
zoolander complex.

- ♪ She's so hot ♪

♪ So I’m a take
her home to make ♪

- In fact,
if you ask him,

He'll tell you he
invented zoolander.

- Do I have a
zoolander complex?

No.

But I did come
up with the idea.

- So I was sitting
in a Starbucks,

And I was telling
this chick the idea,

And I was probably talking
really loud, you know,

Because I was excited.

And I looked over,

And there's fucking Ben
stiller standing there,

Listening to me while he
waited for his coffee.

- And what was Ben
stiller drinking?

- And then he walked out
with his frappuccino.

- But my roommate's
gonna be a very valuable
asset to the plan.

If I'm gonna cast
a fake movie,

I'm gonna need a somewhat
recognizable actor attached.

At least he has credits.

♪

I need you, man.

- I need good sex.

- Exactly.
I'll help you.

Not by playing
with your pecker.

You're gonna
get me Jordan back.

- No.
I'll get you someone hotter.

Not possible.

- Okay, someone
equally as hot.

Another actress.
You could make her jealous.

- I'm listening.

- Every audition I go to,

There's a line of
girls out the door.

And then when you get inside,

It's a bunch of douche
bags holding the auditions.

- So Justin tells
me he has a plan.

- These guys aren't even cool.

They do have the attention of
over 100 smoking-hot chicks.

- Justin's a nice guy.

He's got a kind face.
He's instantly likeable.

But if I had to describe
him in a phrase,

He's ultra medium.

- I mean,
I'm a good-looking guy.

- He's not good-looking,

But he's not bad,
I guess.

- I'm hilarious.

- He's not funny,

But he's not not funny.

- I've got a job.

- His job sucks ass.

But at least he's got one.

- So why can't I have
one of these girls?

- Oh, Justin, okay.

I'll play along with
your little game.

- So chase is in.

Him and I are gonna be the
leads in this fake movie.

But now we need a crew.

Time to assemble the team

Ocean's eleven style.

- I love how Justin makes
an ocean's eleven reference.

He totally views himself
like George Clooney.

Well, news flash,
J bone.

You're no Clooney.

But I could see how he'd think

I'd be the brad Pitt.

♪

- ♪ We're living
here in Hollywood ♪

♪ Under the skies of blue

- These guys:
also brilliant.

- What's up, biotches?

What's up with the camera?

- Today is the first day
of the rest of our lives.

- Hell yeah,
it is!

Ross, we got company.

- And a camera?

- And a camera.

- What's up, fellas?

- Yo.

- Hey, buddy.

- So apparently,
our lives are about to change.

- Okay.

- Get this.

I want to hold a fake
audition for a fake movie

So that we can meet and
cast a lot of hot bitches.

- I fucking love it.

- I don't know how
I feel about it.

- That's because you think
with your head too much, man.

Use your cock and balls
like the rest of us.

- That's where you
guys would come in.

You'd be the writers.
- Of the fake movie?

- Exactly.
- Genius!

- I know, right?

- So you want us to
write a fake script?

- Well, not an entire script.

I don't need a
whole screenplay,

Just an idea

And then a few
scenes we can use

During a casting session.

Ross and Austin,
also known as Rostin,

Just got done writing a
bomb-ass vampire web series.

These guys write
hot girl parts

Better than anyone
I've ever known.

- You don't know any
other writers, do you?

- Not as good as Rostin.

- Aw, thanks, Broski.

- All right, what's it
supposed to be about?

- It's up to you.
Whatever you want.

You're essentially the brains
behind this fake project.

It just needs to star
a bunch of hot girls,

Like, four or five,
basically one for each of us.

And they should be
described in detail

To look like the
girls of our dreams.

- Do we get an imdb credit
for writing a fake movie?

- This is fucking phenomenal.

Each one of us will,
in great detail,

Write out an audition notice
for our "perfect girl."

- It's got to be
a horror film.

- Yes, horror
films love sluts.

- And there's got to be
a big group of girls.

- Ooh, and they get lost

While they're
camping in the woods.

- No, not out in the woods.

- Mud wrestling tournament.

- Be realistic.
- What?

This isn't a real movie.

Slumber party.

- Jackpot.
- Bam.

- The bloody slumber party.

- Yeah, I could star in that.

- Five girls having
a slumber party

All get brutally murdered
in a house overnight.

- Not bad.

- Chase and I play two

Of their boyfriends.

We show up and save the day.

- I'm gonna write
in my perfect girl.

- And I'll finally write mine.

- And we're gonna
write in one more girl,

Because we're gonna
need a happy producer.

- I've never
produced anything.

- But you're good with money.

- But this isn't a real movie.

- But it is a
real documentary.

- Yeah, I noticed the camera.

What's up, newt?
- Hey, Ben.

- Focus.
- I'm listening.

- Ross and Austin
are writing scenes

For the fake movie.

It's called the
bloody slumber party.

- Yeah, I get it.

- So you're in?
- No.

And I don't think
girls will be, either.

- Of course there will be.
This is I.a.

There's tons of sexy
hopefuls out there.

- Creating a fake movie
is not gonna make girls

Want to date you.

- Have you ever tried?

- He had a point.

You have a point.

- You see?

- But what are we gonna do

When they find out that
there's no real movie?

- I don't know.

Stretch it out as
long as we can.

- How long is that?

- Long enough for
a kickoff party

And a table read.

- How do you have a table
read without a script?

- Maybe that's where
it'll all end, then,

At the table read.

We'll tell them the truth.

- It's a terrible idea.

- But the girls
will still be happy.

- Why the hell would
they still be happy?

- Because, obviously,
they were all actresses

In this documentary.

- Girls aren't
gonna go for this.

He'll probably get sued.

I'm in.
- Praise Jesus.

I've known Ben
since kindergarten.

The first time I
fingered a girl

Was at his eighth
grade birthday party.

He's a cool guy,

But he's never had much
luck with the ladies.

It's because he's anal,

And he used to be
an advertising dork.

But now that he's laid off,
he should be a movie producer.

I bet his ratio of pussy
to pussyless nights

Would change drastically.

- But we're gonna make all
the girls sign something.

- He's a smart guy.
I knew he was a no-brainer.

Like what?
- I don't know.

Some kind of release form.

You can't put girls
in a documentary

Without their consent.

And you can't put
me in it, either.

Clang!

- He's super successful.
He owns a company.

- What kind of company?

- I don't know.
What kind of company?

- I don't know,
but he's got the best pot.

- Fantastic.

- But he has produced
a movie before, right?

- Yeah, and the
ladies love him.

- ♪ Four, three, two, one

- Oh, why,
thank you, Bambi.

- Sure thing, big J.

- Ain't she a peach?

- She's not ugly.

- And if you like brunettes...

Hey, Ariel!

Say hi to the boys.

- Hi, boys.

Boeing!

- I wonder if Johnson
needs a pool boy.

- A fake casting session, huh?

Yeah, that sounds
like a fun idea.

- So you're in?

Whoa.

I don't need any
more hot chicks.

- He doesn't.

Everyone that knows
Johnson loves Johnson,

And Johnson knows
a lot of people.

He's kind of like the
Hugh hefner of the 818.

- So what do you need from
me as the executive producer?

- Just your name.

- And maybe your place for
a killer kick-off party.

- That kid was so pathetic.

I just couldn't tell him no.

Plus I like chase.
He's my boy.

And he helped me make
a lot of money too.

- You rock, dude.
- I know.

I'm best at producing smiles.

♪

- We've got almost
everyone we need.

- But we still need to
figure out some logistics.

- Like what?

- Like where are we
gonna shoot most of this,

Where are we gonna
hold auditions,

Who's gonna direct it?

- Oh, yeah.
We totally need a director.

- Can newt just direct it?

- I don't know.
Can you, newt?

- I'd rather not.

- You know any good directors?

Not
good directors.

- Yeah, you should see
some of his movies.

- What?
I got some awesome fans.

- For some reason, chase
forwards me his fan e-mails.

They're usually from
dudes or Indians,

Not the feather kind,
the ones with dots.

- And you've never worked
as an actor in this town,

So you don't know
any directors.

- Actually, I did
this one play.

- Oh, yeah.
That was really funny.

- The director, Parker,
he's kind of crazy.

- Crazy good like an
artist or crazy bad?

- Crazy like he
yelled in my face.

- What'd he say?

- "You're fired."
- Yeah, he fired me.

- Oh, so this guy might
actually know what he's doing.

- Every now and then,
Ben’s a real dick.

I mean,
I guess we could ask him.

He is scary and moody,
though, but he does
have a nice theatre.

I think he lives there.
- Perfect.

- All right, guys, well,
I got to bounce.

I got lunch with Rihanna,
so peace.

- Is that true?

- Who knows?

Well, let's head over to
the theatre and ask him.

- When he sees the swarm
of attractive women

He'll get to direct,
I'm sure he'll do it.

- No fucking way.
- Why not?

- Because first of all,
I don't even like you.

- All I did was
improve one extra line.

- And it ruined the
perfect comedic timing

That I had masterminded.

- I'm sorry.

- That's what they all say.

And secondly,
I don't even like women.

- You don't?
- You don't?

- No, they're annoying,
and they don't have a penis.

- Wow.
I had no idea you were gay.

- No one knows.

I'm cool like that.

- What if we added
a gay character?

- We can't do that.

- Why not?
- Yeah, why not?

- I mean, it's supposed to
be about a bunch of hot girls

Getting slaughtered
at a slumber party.

- Well, why don't you
make the killer a gay guy?

- I guess we could talk
to Rostin about it.

- And I want to kiss a
bunch of straight guys

At these fake auditions.

- We haven't exactly ironed
out all the details yet.

- And I want an assistant.

I remember Justin had
a really cute friend

That came to see
his play last year,

Got wasted with us after.

- Assistant?
- Yes.

I want a personal assistant.

- You know this
isn't a real movie

You're directing, right?

- Do you want to use my name,
my credits, my theatre?

- Yeah.

- Then obey my commands.

That's how I do it.

Who was your friend
that came out with us

After opening night?

He was an assistant director
if I remember correctly.

What was his name?

- Ryan?
- Ryan.

That's it.
Bingo.

- So if we get you
a male character

And Ryan comes on board as
your assistant director--

- Personal assistant.
- Whatever.

You'll come on board?

- I'll think about it.

- So you want me to be
the assistant director

Of a film that you're
not really making.

- Precisely.

- Cool.
I'm down.

- Hey, boys.

I don't think we've met.

- Hey, I'm Ben.

- Cool.
I'm Katie.

- Nice to meet you.

- So what you guys doing?

- We're making a movie.

- Yay!
Can I be in it?

- Oh, it's not a real movie.

- Well, not exactly.

- Then I had this
brilliant thought.

- Ben always thinks his
thoughts are brilliant.

- What if we brought
Katie on board too,

You know,
for safekeeping?

- Safekeeping?

- As producer,

I'm always looking out
for our best interests,

And we do run the risk of
insulting the feminine race,

So having a female on board

Would certainly
lessen the blow.

- Sometimes he is
actually kind of smart.

- She could be
our bridge keeper,

A gateway, if you will,
to the other world

We know as women.

- I like it.

- I love it.

Do you guys have a
casting director yet?

Both: we do now!

- We're a few short of 11,

But pretty solid crew,
if I don't say so myself.

- I should probably
go tanning.

- And the fake little
movie sprouted legs.

- Fuck yeah, it has!
- It's actually pretty good.

- We're not really capable
of writing utter shit.

- It all centres
around five girls...

- Hot sluts.

- Who are enjoying
a slumber party...

- Until a monster comes along

And rips their
fucking heads off!

- Eh, something
along those lines.

- I thought I was
playing the lead.

- It's not a real movie.

Has anyone told chase yet?

- But I'm in it, right?

- So we added
chase Lockwood in

As the lead girl's boyfriend.

He comes in and saves the day!

- Can I have brass knuckles?

- Whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm supposed to be one of the
fake actors in the fake movie.

- And Justin was being such a
little bitch about everything,

So we told him he could
play Chase's best friend.

- We should be brothers.
- Nope.

- Vampires?
- Nope.

- Supermodels?

- Shut the fuck up, Justin.

- Okay.

What about the gay character?

I forgot to tell them

We need to write in a
gay character for Parker.

- I don't write homos...

Any more.

- We don't have a
choice at this point.

- So I agreed.

The fierce monster turned
into a fierce gay guy.

- Motive, guys?

- One of the girls

Saw her boyfriend
kissing another guy,

And that made
her really upset.

- So upset that she
had to have a sleepover

With all of her best friends

And only wear lingerie.

- And since the
boyfriend wasn't ready

To come out of the
closet just yet,

He obviously had to
kill all of the girls

Before his secret
spread too far.

- So my character gets
killed by an angry gay guy?

Both: yes.

- Fuck.

- Long live the angry gay guy!

I'm in.

- ♪ It's too late ♪

♪ To turn back now

♪ So turn it up,
and make it loud ♪

♪ It's the crowd ♪

♪ If you let them see

♪ It's not for you
or you or you ♪

♪ It's for me ♪

♪ It's for me ♪

♪ It's for me ♪

♪ It's for me ♪

♪ It's too late
to turn back now ♪

- Here's where the fun begins.

So the name of the movie is
the bloody slumber party.

- Sounds like a bunch of
girls on their period.

- Okay.

And I need each
one of you guys

To send me a
detailed description

Of the girl of your dreams.

That way,
we can send it to Katie

And get a little
casting notice up.

- Big tits.
- I second that.

Great, guys.

- Gross.

The only thing tatas
do for me is remind me

Of when I drank
my mother's milk.

- Seriously, guys.

There's five girls
being cast, right?

- Yes.
- Right.

- So that's one
for each of us,

And they can look like and
be like whatever we want.

- Yes, Parker?

- And as I understand it,
there's to be one boy?

- Two, actually.
- Why two?

- Well, if we're gonna
have two dudes kiss,

We've got to cast them both.

- No, no, that's okay.
We can just cast the one.

I'll make a cameo appearance.

- Why is that Parker guy
always staring at me?

- Guys, focus.

I know this plan will work,
but if we're gonna get laid,

We're gonna have to take this
casting notice seriously.

- So one by one,
the boys described to me

Their perfect girl.

- Ahem.

- And boy.

- A good girl-next-door type,
preferably brunette,

Good smile,
great sense of humour,

And a little quirky,
has boobs,

And isn't crazy.

- You know,
blonde or brunette,
doesn't really matter.

She has to be a bombshell,
though, obviously,

And she has to tolerate this
kid that's in a man's body.

Oh, and she has
to like anal play.

- Brunette.

Petite.

Slender to mildly athletic.

Gorgeous face.
Great smile.

Sweet ass.

Small but with some pop.

It just should fit
perfectly in my hand.

I'm an ass guy.
Love ass.

Not so much for tits,
but ass.

- I want to date
the perfect blonde,

The kind whose looks and
smiles lights up a room,

About 5'2"to 5'7"

With lots of positive energy.

Totally cool, though,
if she has daddy issues

Or is a little unstable.

Makes her easier
to manipulate.

The perfect guy.

So tough to describe.

Preppy to jockish.
Around 25.

Muscular.

No, no, not muscular.
Well-toned.

Just not chunky.
Fuck chunky.

- I bet I already know
what chase will say.

It's always the same.

- I like a chick who's...

- Blond...
- blond...

- Nice lips...
- sexy lips...

- Tan...
- fake tan.

Well, it doesn't
have to be fake.

Just tan,
I guess.

- And big boobs.

- And big,
beautiful fucking titties.

- Well, that was
an experience.

- Okay, maybe this is
an outside opinion,

But did you guys ever think

That doing all
this could be, um,

Wrong?

Okay, then.

- Well, I'd be flattered
if I were chosen.

- Thank you, Katie.
That's what I'm saying.

- Uh, I did notice one
possible little problem

That we might be
facing, though.

- What?

- Well, nobody
described a, um--um--

- A what?

- An ethnic girl.

- You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

- He's got a good argument.
- But why does it even matter?

- Well, we don't want people
to think we're racist.

- Who's gonna think that?

- I don't know.

Anyone who looks at
the casting notice

Or distributors one day.

I mean, we are planning
to market and sell this

As a documentary
eventually, right?

- He has a point.
- Thank you, newt.

- No, shut up, newt!

Just hold the camera,
and hold the red button

When I tell you to!

- Sometimes I think
Justin forgets

Who's holding the camera.

- I see where
you're coming from,

But this project is about us
getting exactly what we want.

I don't think we need
to worry about catering

To all different colors
and kinds of people.

I mean, unless one of you
guys wants to pick someone

Who isn't white.

- Yeah.
Sure, why not?

I'll bite the bullet.

- Well, that's
certainly kind of you.

Bite the bullet?

We're trying to be as
politically correct

And considerate as
possible in this project.

- I've always wanted
to bang an Asian chick.

- And mark me down
for open ethnicity.

- Okay, so it's settled.

Katie, you have all the notes?

- Right here.
- Perfect.

Tonight you, me, and Ben
will post the casting notice

On the breakdown site.

Probably can get over
1,000 submissions.

- Maybe 1 million.

- Doubtful.

- You gonna say I'm starring
in this thing, right?

- Yes, sir.
- Milli.

- We'll call in all the girls
that are seven and above.

Auditions will be next week.

Any final questions?

- But we're not actually
gonna make the movie, right?

- ♪ Let's meet tonight
if you want to ♪

♪ You bring the girls

♪ I'll bring my crew ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah

♪ We'll get it feeling right ♪

♪ Rock me tonight
if you feel so ♪

♪ No inhibitions,
just let go ♪

♪ Yeah

- You know, you should put
me as a producer as well.

- Why?
- Because it's power.

Be a lot easier
for me to get laid

If I'm a producer
and not just an actor
with a say in casting.

- But I thought I was
supposed to be the producer.

- We could both be producers.

- Okay, which one is it,
one or two?

- Two.
- Wait.

- What?

- How about if
I'm the producer

And you're, like,
a co-producer?

- What's the difference?

- I've been doing my
homework and researching

A variety of job titles
in this industry,

And I found that producer is
sort of like a head honcho.

I used to think it was
the executive producer,

But that's more
of a money guy,

And co-producer is
certainly a step below.

I want to be the only
producer on this thing

If I'm actually
gonna produce it.

It's a power and
control kind of thing.

I'm good at having both.

- Fine.
Make me co-producer.

- Thank you.

- You're such a
retard sometimes.

- Okay, and Johnson
is exec, right?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Now we're into the story and
the character descriptions.

- ♪ Hey, hey

♪ Baby,
I know you want to party now ♪

♪ We got it going,
can't shut us down ♪

♪ I'm gonna make you say,
"ooh, baby, I like it," yeah ♪

♪ Baby,
I know you want to party now ♪

- Okay, guys.
You know what?

I'm a little offended.

I mean, you have two
blondes and two brunettes,

No redheads.

- Oh, no.
Not the ethnic card again.

- Oh, I'm just
messing with you.

But you know, it might
be good not to have,
like, two blondes.

I mean, a little
diversity is always nice.

- You want to give
up your blonde?

- Fuck no.
- Maybe chase will.

- Hey, chase, you want to
date a redhead instead?

- Uh, yeah, sure. Whatever.

- I figure when it
comes down to it,

He doesn't really care.

- Redhead, blonde,
I don't really care.

Besides, if I like Justin’s
blonde chick better,

I'm just gonna steal
her from him anyways.

- And that should do it.

- Hey, how come I
don't get a girl?

- You never said
you wanted one.

- Why wouldn't I?

- We can add in one more
character, can't we?

- I don't think so.

Then Ross and Austin
would have to change
the whole story.

- But it's not a real story.

- Well, how about this?

We could add in one more girl
but not actually cast her.

Cool?

- I guess.

- Okay, newt,
what do you like?

- Big-bottom girls.

- Really?
- Really?

- Yeah.
- It's true.

- I won't ask.

And off it goes.

- And so it begins.

♪

- Well, that was a nightmare.

- That was some fun shit.

- I just spent the last week

In a room full of boys

Looking at literally
thousands of female
pictures and resumes.

- I think I could
get into casting.

- But instead of calling in
100 girls for each role...

- I think we should have
called in at least 100.

- I helped them narrow it down
to just the cream of the crop

So we could actually get
through these auditions.

- And I'm only letting them
use the theatre for one day.

♪

- You boys ready?
- Bring them in.

- Lot of anticipation
for today.

We got to organize to
run like clockwork.

- So we're starting with me.

My girls are coming in to
read for the role of "Abby,"

The ultra-slutty
hot Asian whore.

Oh, yeah.

- Guys, up first,
this is amber.

All: hi, amber.
- Hi.

- I'll be reading with you,
so whenever you're ready.

- Okay.

I brought a surprise
for jenny. - What?

- A whole bag of dildos!

- No one said the
script was award-worthy.

- What?
Why?

This isn't a
bachelorette party.

- Well, she needs to get
her mind off it somehow.

- We weren't shooting
for an Oscar here.

- Trust me, Rachel.

Once you turn this thing on
and stick it up your vag,

You'll be hooked.

- She was cute.

I'd fuck her but only
if she came into my room

And I didn't have
to work for it.

- She wasn't bad.
- You can have her, then.

- Hi, everybody.

- Now we're talking.

- Whenever you're ready.

You'll be reading with me.

- Who wrote this?
- I did. I did.

- We did, actually.

- It is so good.
You guys are so awesome.

- Well, I tried.

- We tried.

- Whenever you're ready.

- She was good at
stroking the ego.

I wonder if she was good at
stroking at stroking my...

Whole bag of dildos?

- I'm gonna guess yes.

- O.m.g.

You haven't heard?

- Heard what?

Her boyfriend is, like,
gay.

- Shut up.
How do you know?

- She told me she saw
him kiss another guy.

That's why Lola is,
like, throwing her
this slumber party.

She is so upset.

- That's awful.
- I know, right?

But these little bad
boys will do the trick.

- Thanks.
We'll let you know.

- No.
Thank you.

- She deserves an award...
- for the best cleavage ever.

- She made me want to vomit.

- Does it matter
that she can't act?

- Does it matter?

If she looks like that,
she can act however she wants.

- We aren't casting
for their talent.

- Next, please.

- Guys, this is Candace.

- Candace Schmandace.
She was too eager.

- How's everybody doing?

- Stop being pathetic.

- No, you have
a wonderful day.

- And then came the tripper.

Oops.

Sorry.

- Nothing is more attractive

Than a girl who
can't walk good...

- Or a guy who
can't speak well.

I'm so embarrassed.

Guess I'm a little nervous.

- You think?
Next.

- A whole bag of dildos.

- A whole bag of dildos.

- A whole bag of dildos.

- Well, wasn't that lovely?

I think I'm gonna take a few

Of those head shots
home with me tonight.

- This might be the
best day of my life.

- It's my turn.
Pressure's on.

Look, here's the thing.

My perfect girl probably
wouldn't even be an actress,

And if she was, she'd
consider herself an artist,

Not an actress.

- I think Ross might be gay.

- I'm sure lots
of guys say it,

But brains really are just
as important to me as beauty.

- Hi.
I'm Bella Michaels.

- Me likely.

- Oh, boy.

Now I get to read
the other role.

A whole bag of dildos.

- What?
Why?

This is not a
bachelorette party.

- She needs to get her
mind off it somehow.

- Off what?

- Me gusta.

- I've never used one before.

- Seriously?

- Yeah.
They frighten me.

I'll protect you.

- That's awful.

- This is hard.

So is that.

- Thanks so much, guys.

- Wow.
I mean, whoa.

They were all really good.

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

You guys didn't think so?

- You can't fall for
every girl that walks
into the room today.

- Who's falling?
I'm just commenting.

- No, I know exactly
what you're doing.

Step it up a notch, bitch.

This is the time to
be extra critical.

- I am.
I'm just saying.

That last one, especially.
She had great chemistry.

Maybe not with me but, like,
you know, with the whole room

And with Katie.

Katie's actually doing
a really nice job today.

- ♪ Oh, oh, oh,
ooh-whoa ♪

- And we're lucky

To have a cool girl like
her working with us.

- Gentlemen, this is Brittany.

- She looks familiar.

- I don't know.
- Trust me, Rachel.

Once you stick this up
your vag, you'll be hooked.

- Oh, I think you're right.

I'm getting wet just
thinking about it.

- Um, what?

- I'm improvising.
Just keep going.

- Uh, that's wonderful.

- I bet it is.

It looks so big and so hard.

- Yup, it's very hard.

- Like a rock.

Rock-hard.

I love a big, rock-hard
fake penis in my hand.

- Who doesn't?

- Please don't stop.

- You can stop now.

- Damn it!

- Well, that was interesting.

- What's on her resume?

- Yeah, I think
she's a porn star.

- I knew it.
- How can you tell?

- She was a lead in fuck
my butt 3, 4, and 5.

- Not exactly my type.

- This is Margo.

- Does she even
want to be here?

- Her boyfriend is gay.

- What?
How do you know?

I said,
how do you know?

- This girl could kick my ass.

- And this is Alex.

♪

- Wow.

- Heard what?

- Her boyfriend is gay.

- Shut up.

- No, you shut up.

Holy hot girl!

- Damn.

- Okay, now,
I can really

See myself with this girl.

- Yeah, they frighten me.

- Such a sweetheart.

- Totally a sweetheart.

- Where are you from?
- Alabama.

- I thought I heard a
little twang in there.

- You sure did.

You can't hide that
cuteness anywhere.

- Oh, you boys are so sweet.

- And that was a very nice
read. You're really talented.

- Stop.
Y'all are gonna make me blush.

- Well, we can't have
any of that in here,

Now, can we?

- No, absolutely not.

This is a blush-free room.

A blush-free room?

- The shit that falls out of
that guy's mouth sometimes,

I swear.

- You guys are making my day.

I was having such
a terrible one.

- Oh, no.
What happened?

- Oh, no.

I am not gonna vent to y'all.

- No, no, no, no!
Do it!

We love venting.
- Ignore his tone.

You don't have to tell us
anything you don't want to.

- Well, I had to take
my dog to the vet,

And then on the way there,
I got a flat tire,

And then my boyfriend
broke up with me.

- Oh, no.

Is your dog gonna be okay?

- Fuck the dog!

- You just broke up
with your boyfriend?

- Yeah.

Well, I should
probably get going.

I've taken up way too
much of y'all time.

- No, no,
not at all.

Just, uh,
thank you so much for coming,

And I hope your
doggy gets better.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

- Doggy?

Maybe Ross is gay.

- I hope she's all right.

- I hope her douche
bag ex-boyfriend

Realizes what he just lost.

- Yeah, I'd probably even
fuck her in front of Ross.

- Finally, the
moment of truth.

Time for my girls.

We're looking to cast "jenny,"
the smoking sexy blonde.

You know the type:

The one whose looks and smile

Deserve their own
slow-motion entrance.

- All right, guys.
This is Lindsay griffin.

- ♪ You're beautiful ♪

- I mean, wow.

- She is so hot she
could be from Venus.

- Has anyone ever told
you you look like barbie?

- All the time.
- Really?

- No.

- And personality too.
I like it.

So you'll be reading as jenny.
I'll be reading as George.

Feel free to use
me as your partner.

Yes, there is a kiss written
into this audition scene,

So pucker up, baby,
and prepare to lay one on me.

- Has this guy ever had
someone twiddle his fiddle?

- Quick, let's hide in here.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

So what are you
more upset about,

Your boyfriend coming
out of the closet

Or the fact that there's
a killer on the loose?

- I don't know.

They're both pretty
awful, though.

- I think I saved you
just in the nick of time.

- You did.
I was definitely a goner.

- I've never saved
anyone's life before.

- I guess I'm
just a lucky girl.

- I feel lucky
having saved you.

- I guess we're
just both lucky.

- Yeah, lucky.

- Thanks, guys.

- Are you kidding me?

- And we even wrote it in.

- Better luck
next time, buddy.

- ♪ Listen here,
I'm glad to be alone ♪

♪ To be alone

♪ Listen here,
I'm glad to be alone ♪

- You've got to be
fucking kidding me.

I mean, am I not as
attractive as I think I am?

- Nope.

- Don't worry, dude.

There's a lot more coming in.

- I just don't get why I--

- Calm down, pip-squeak.

I'll solve your
little dilemma.

He's gonna owe me.

Hi, and you are...

- Kristin.
- Kristin.

I'm the director.

Now, I'm gonna be
honest with you.

I'm just not feeling
the passion from any
of the Jennys yet,

So that I'm gonna really
need you to do is,

Really get into this
character for me, okay?

Can you do that?

- You got it, dude.

- Great.

You'll be reading
with Justin here.

Owe me big,
he will.

- I guess I'm
just a lucky girl.

- I feel lucky that
I got to save you.

- I guess we're
both just lucky.

- Yeah.
Lucky.

- Yeah.

- I don't do
nothing for nothing.

Nice job.

- Thanks.

- Hey, I got a
question for you.

- Sure.

- Would you be
willing to do nudity?

- It didn't say
there'd be nudity

In the casting.

- Well, yeah, I know,
but you just seem

Like the kind of
chick that would.

- Seriously?

- What the fuck, man?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Calm down, dude, all right?

I've been to lots
of castings before.

I was gonna get her to
take her top off for you.

- And that's the last time
we let chase ask questions.

- At least I had Parker
on my side for the rest.

Hope I don't owe him anything.

♪ Oh,
I've never known ♪

♪ Just what it means

♪ To be alone

- Wow.

That was a really great scene.

- I know.
I got really into it.

- How was it, guys? Did it
look as good as it felt?

- Yeah, like a scene
straight out of the notebook.

- I love that movie.
- Who doesn't?

- I don't.

- Well, really great
working with you, summer.

- Thanks.
You too.

Bye, boys.

- Decisions,
decisions, decisions.

Getting pretty damn good
at this character too.

You know,
this bloody slumber party idea

Is really starting
to grow on me.

- All right.
Up next, Jordan?

- Oops.

- Guys, this is
Jordan Holliday.

- What the fuck
is she doing here?

- We called in
Chase's ex-girlfriend.

- She's not auditioning.
Get her out of here!

- Really, chase?

They should cast me in this.

I'm the biggest name
they're gonna get.

- Katie, please escort
that bitch out of here.

- Man, you are such a boy.

- Katie did some of
the casting e-mails.

I honestly didn't
see that one coming.

- He said it was the
best sex he ever had?

Mm.

- What kind of
sick joke was that?

- Dude, wasn't on purpose.

- Kind of funny, though.
- No, man, that sucks.

- Actually, it's a good thing.

- How the fuck is
that a good thing?

- Because she saw
all these hot girls

Coming in and out of here.

You can use it to
make her jealous.

Talking out of my ass,
but hey, it could work.

I am sorry, though, bro.

- No, fuck it.
It's cool.

Let's get my girls in here.

- Dodged that one.

- All right,
let's check out some redheads.

Nothing like a
good fire crotch.

- Hey, chase.

I've seen almost
all your movies.

- Cool.

- It's a real
pleasure to meet you.

- I mean,
she's kind of a redhead,

But with titties like that,

I don't care if
she's a brown head.

- Chelsea, you'll
be reading Lola,

And chase will be
reading with you as brad.

- Oh, my gosh.

You're reading with me?

- Same shit.
Different day.

Yup.

Different day.
Same shit.

- I'm so glad you showed up!

There's a killer in here!

- What killer?
Where?

- He just killed Abby
and ran up the stairs!

- Well, then you
better stay down here.

I'll go find him.

- No, don't.
He has an ax.

- But I know karate.

- People actually
pay him to do this.

- Oh, brad. You're the
best boyfriend ever.

- I try.
- And you succeed.

- I don't know how much
more of this I can take.

- I should be getting
paid for this.

- He just killed Abby,
and he ran upstairs!

- Oh, well,
then you better stay here.

I'll go find him.

- No, no, no, no, don't!
He has an ax.

- But I know karate.

- Wait!
- What?

- I'm scared.

- Aw, don't you worry
your pretty little face.

I'll protect you.

- Oh, brad, you're the
best boyfriend ever.

I try.

- You succeed.

Oh, shit.
I almost just kissed you.

I'm so sorry.

- It's cool, babe.

- Okay, thank you.
- Thank you.

- Damn, bro!
I am jelly!

Can I be you for, like,
a day?

Yeah, sure.

You know, you can read
with the next one.

I got to take a piss.

- Sweet!

Bring me a ginger!

- Speaking of redheads,

Katie's kind of cute,

Don't you think, newt?

- I'd bang her.

- ♪ Or is it just a heartbeat?

- Ryan is a lucky guy.

- Hey, newton,
we're just gonna move on.

Your girls are here now.

Do you want me to
have them come in?

- Uh, sure.
- Okay.

- Hey, newt, since we didn't
write sides for your girls,

Let's just tell them

It's a really secret
part of the script

That requires a really
strong scream queen.

- Uh, okay.

- Okay.

- Okay, whenever you're ready,

Let us hear it.

- Yeah, I enjoyed that.

- Room full of hot
brunettes out there.

- I guess that
means it's my turn.

It says here you've got
lots of improve experience.

- That I do.

- Can you tell me a
little bit about that?

- Uh--

- I love how Ben acts

Like he knows what
he's talking about.

I did improve for over a year.

He didn't ask me a
god-damn thing about it.

- Justin sucked at improve.

There's a reason
why he's a waiter.

- Well, I'd love to see you
do the audition monologue,

But feel free to improve
wherever it takes you.

Where are you?

Where are you?

Come and get me.
I dare you.

You've killed all
of my best friends.

Show yourself to me.

- I think I'm in love.

- What?

Are you chicken?

Huh?

I know who you are, Blaine!

Come and get me!

Where are you?

- I'm getting dizzy.

- Come and get me.
I dare you.

- Great.
Great.

That's really all
we needed to see.

Thanks.

- I'm sold, hook, line,
and sinker.

Nail in the coffin.
Sign me up.

I want to eat her pussy.

- Thank you so much.

- No, thank you.

- You're ridiculous.
- Did you not see her?

- We all saw her.

- Was she not
oozing with hotness?

Come on, chase.
I saw you staring.

Wasn't she fantastic?

- She was hot.

- Somebody take me
out of the oven,

'Cause I'm done.

- I guess in this project
we save the best for last.

I'm gonna go make
a little speech,

Save us all a little time.

- What's he gonna say?

- My guess, it's gonna be
something about sucking cock.

- Or ass play.

- Okay, I want to make
something crystal clear.

This is a gay character
you'll be reading for.

You will be required
to kiss a guy.

So for any of you cool
dudes with a girlfriend

Who says you're okay with
it but then you end up

Not being okay with
it during filming,

We're gonna make you
kiss a guy right here

Right now in the audition.

It's in the script.

So if any of you cool dudes
have a problem with that,

Feel free to leave right now.

- Gross.

- What did you say?

- Uh, nothing.

- For the record,
I'm not excited about this.

- Okay, let's do this.
Let the good times roll.

Katie, will you please
bring the first one in?

Oh, and I'll be
reading with them.

- Obviously.

- All right, so you'll
be reading for Blaine.

- Okay.
- Ready?

- Uh-huh.

- You know you want to.

- I do.

- So then do it.

- But I have a girlfriend.

- She's not here.

- But...

She will be any minute.

- Well, then,
we don't have much time.

Kiss me.

- Okay.

- Jenny!
Jenny, no!

It's not what it looks like!

- I'm actually a little
proud of that scene.

Anyone?
Newt?

No?
Got it.

- That was so wrong.
- This whole day is wrong.

- What, I think he liked it.

Yeah, he lifted his leg.

- What are you
laughing at, chase?

I saw that movie you did,
the gay version of twilight.

Looked like you
liked kissing dudes.

- Um, it's called acting.

- Oh, is that
what you call it?

- Hey, that vampire movie
got me a lot of pussy.

- Ugh, I hate that word.

- What, pussy?

- No.
Vampire.

Dumb-ass.

- All right.

Well, this is Nathan.

- Well, hello, Nathan.

- A little piece of me
dies as each guy walks in.

- So then we don't
have much time.

Kiss me.

- Okay.

- I'm not homophobic.

I'm just scared of gay people.

- Okay, guys,
this is Trent.

- What's up?

- Did I mention
I'm team Jacob?

So you're Blaine.
- Okay.

- Okay, cool.

You know you want to.

- I do.

- So do it.

- But I have a girlfriend.

- She's not here.

- She will be any minute.

- So then we don't
have much time.

Kiss me.

- Okay.

- Mmm.
Like a sugar cookie.

- Hey, Parker, there's
one more guy out there.

You want me to bring him in?

- I thought there were
only three out there.

- Well, he just showed up.

- Well, fantastic.

Send him in.

- This is getting
out of contrizzy.

- Um, what?

- Hello, Parker.

Gentlemen.

- Wtf?

- What are you doing here?

- What?

I saw your little
casting notice.

I thought I'd come out.

You always did promise
to cast me in something.

- You're not right
for this role.

- But I'm an actor,
a genius actor.

Isn't that what
you used to say?

- Yes, we dated,
but it was a long time ago,

Before I was successful.

- You shouldn't make promises
that you cannot keep.

- He was my masseur.

He had the best hands.

- In some circles,
I'm famous for my hands.

- It is truly amazing what
that man is capable of.

- They're like magic weapons.

- But he's possessive,
jealous, and scandalous.

- He called me scandalous?

Well.

- You are not auditioning.

- What?

Because I'm not
a twink anymore?

- Uh, what's a twink?

- According to homolingo.com,

A twink is a boyish-looking
young gay man

Who is slender with
little to no body hair,

Often blond but
doesn't have to be,

And who dresses in
ultra-slim-fit attire

As if entering a club
or barking on a hike.

I did not know that.

- Fine.

But you haven't
seen the last of me.

♪

- That dude was cray cray.

- He better cast me
in his little movie.

Otherwise, I just might share
something with the world.

What, you ask?

Let me just say
that we all have

Our own dark,
little secrets,

Don't we?

- Auditions concluded.

And let me tell you something.

This plan is going perfectly.

Tons of sexy chicks in today,

All totally believing in
the bloody slumber party.

Now we're gonna head
back to my place

To discuss casting.

♪

- Thanks, Ross.

- Yeah, no problem.

She was on her feet all day.

It was the right thing to do.

- You see what
Ross is doing here?

He is kind of like
a magnetic force

To chicks with boyfriends.

He's the king of
the friend zone.

- Okay, guys, so I'm thinking,
to get this plan in motion,

We should all call the
person that we want to cast.

- Shouldn't Katie do that?

- Yeah, I am the
casting director.

- Yeah, in a real movie,
I would say yes,

But in a fake move,
I'm gonna say, "fuck, no.

That's retarded."

- Point taken.

And I can't wait to hear

Dallas's sweet and
sexy voice again.

- While I have
everyone's attention,

There is something
I'd like to address.

- We're not cutting
the gay character.

- No.
No, obviously.

It's a great character.

Good job on the script, guys.

I mean,
it's really good.

- Uh, thank you.

- What are you really
getting at, cheese dick?

- I think--

I think we should
make this movie.

- Are you fucking kidding me?

- That was never
part of the plan.

- But it would be a shitty
plan with a shitty movie.

- Hey!
- What?

It's no masterpiece.

- In our defence, we weren't
going for brilliance.

- Yeah, and it's not like we
had a lot of time to write it.

- It's a really good story.

I'm sure,
with a little bit more time,

We could reorganize the plan.

- So we're not making
the movie, or we are
making the movie?

- We're not making
this movie, Justin.

What we are making
is a documentary

About casting a fake
movie, right, newt?

- Uh, that's what I was--
- shut up, newt!

Come on, guys.
This could be great.

- Back to casting,

I think I'm gonna go with
the Jacob look-alike.

Give me two weeks,
enough alcohol,

And I'll have him converted.

- Really?

Nobody thinks this
is a good idea?

- I would rather
cut off my balls

And spoon feed
them to my mother

Than direct the
bloody slumber party

Starring Justin no-name
the career waiter.

- Fine.

Well, I want to cast
that chick summer.

We had good chemistry, and I
think she kind of likes me.

- She had a lot
of air upstairs.

- Yeah, I don't even think
she'll know what's going on.

- Exactly.

And she seems like
the type of girl

That would let me throw
a piece of Bologna
at her bare ass.

- My Bologna has a first name.

- Fair enough.

You can cast whomever
you want in this game.

How about you guys?

- Oh, the southern belle.
- Alex.

- Yes, Alex. She was
definitely my favourite.

- Yeah, you should
totally cast her.

No, she wasn't my girl,

But I just wouldn't
mind seeing her again.

- What about you?
Who's your favourite Asian?

- Uh, I don't know.

They kind of all
looked the same to me.

- We're going to hell.

- I guess I'll take
the really hot one.

- Oh, yeah, that one with
the amazing, juicy cleavage.

- Yeah, I think
her name was...

Kimmy?

- Hey, I'd feed
her some kumquats.

- What about you, Broski?

You should cast that
red-headed chick.

She was totally into you.

- Yeah, what was her name?
I think her name was--

- Sure, that's fine.

- She should be an easy lay.

- Yeah, sure.
I mean, whatever.

- I think chase is
still pretty bummed

About Jordan showing up.

He hasn't been the same since.

I actually feel
kind of bad for him.

- Uh, so you guys don't
need anything else from me?

- No, I don't think so.

We might need you to
help us out a little bit

With our game at
the party, though.

- When is the party?

- Oh, I just
talked to Johnson.

- Hey, little man.

Any time you want to
bring over a bunch
of little hotties,

You're more than welcome to.

- When everyone
makes their calls

And they're casting
their person,

Make sure that they can come
to the party this Saturday.

- Yeah, we're calling
it a kick-off party,

A good time for everyone
to meet and mingle.

- Yeah, and
obviously get wasted.

- Obviously.

- Hey, personal assistant?

- Assistant director.

- Are you coming
to the party also?

- Uh, no, we can't--
- sure.

We'll bring the vino.

- Awesome.
- Fantastic.

- I'm having such a good
time on this project.

And none of you guys are
worried about pissing
these people off?

- No, they also get to
be in this documentary.

- And meet a bunch
of great guys.

- Well, some of us are great.

- All right, then.
Just checking.

- I don't know why I didn't
think of this idea earlier.

This is Hollywood,
the land where magic happens.

This party is
going to be epic.

- Hey, what's up?
Is this Chelsea?

Yeah, what's going on?
This is chase Lockwood.

Yeah, hey.
What's going on?

So I'm calling you because--

- Hi, is this Kimmy?

Hi, Kimmy,
this is Austin.

I'm the writer for the
bloody slumber party.

Yes, it's good
to hear from you.

- Hi, this is Parker calling.

I'm the director of the movie
the bloody slumber party.

That's right.

- Hey, is this Dallas?

Hey, this is Ben,
the producer on the--

- Summer, what's going on?
This is Justin.

I'm calling on behalf of
the bloody slumber party.

I'm one of the co-producers.

- Hey, Alex, it's Ross from
the bloody slumber party.

- We're actually really
excited about casting you,

Casting the role.

- Yeah, congratulations.

- ...And meet the
rest of the cast.

- We would love to
give you the part.

- ...Kickoff
party on Saturday.

- Yeah, we're having a kick-off
party this Saturday night.

- You know what?

I'll have somebody e-mail
you all the details.

- Gonna be a lot of girls
there. - Really, really great.

We're excited too. - Don't
eat anything beforehand.

There's gonna be
plenty of alcohol.

- We're excited to
see you on Saturday.

- All right, well, we'll
see you on Saturday, okay?

- Can't wait to see you.
- I'll see you then.

- All right, bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.

- Later.
- Okay, bye.

♪

- To getting laid.
- Here, here.

- Don't I get a shot?
- No.

- Hey, boys.

- Hey, Katie.

- I'm basically the
wingman tonight.

Or wingwoman.

Whatever.

- Katie is going
to be our liaison.

- Dangerous liaison.

I love it!

- Guys, I got a surprise.

- Flavoured condoms?

- Close.

I made facebook and
twitter accounts

For the bloody slumber party.

- Cool.

- I knew there was a
reason I hired Ben.

Always using his noggin.

- I figure this
justifies the project,

Lends a more
colourful illusion.

- Hi.

- Hey, girls.
Welcome.

As the girls arrived,

I had the brilliant idea
that we should greet them all

Individually.

♪

- And I had the brilliant idea

To get them to like
the facebook page.

♪

- Let's get this shit going.

- I'd like to welcome you all

To the bloody slumber party
cast and kick-off party.

Thank you.
Thank you for that.

I'm Justin.
I'm producing.

- Co-producing.

- Well, if we're
getting technical,

I'm a co-producer.

I'll also be playing George.

- If we're really
getting technical,

You're just a douche bag.

- Ladies, I'd like to
introduce you here to Ben.

He's the head producer.
- Hi.

- Parker, the director.

Ross and Austin,
the writers.

- Hi.
- Yo.

- And I'm sure you're
familiar with chase Lockwood.

He's gonna be playing
brad the boyfriend.

- I've seen, like,
all of his movies,

And I'm kind of a big fan.

- And this is Johnson,
the executive producer.

- Hello, ladies.

Welcome to the cast,
and welcome to mi casa.

Have a drink or seven,

But enjoy yourselves.

- I want to be Johnson
when I grow up.

- As you may or may
not have noticed,

Newt here is our
cinematographer.

We've already started rolling

To capture some great
behind-the-scenes footage,

Have some great bonus
features for the DVD.

- That was all me,
that idea, that speech.

- So don't be shy,
enjoy the camera,

And feel free to
introduce yourselves.

- Hi, I'm Alex.

I'm playing the
sweet girl next door.

I'm Kimmy.

- Well, I do live
next door to someone.

- I'm summer.

I'm playing jenny.

And I'm the lead, right?

- I'm Abby,
the slutty one.

- Hello, I'm Dallas Mitchell.

I'm playing Brooke,

The infamous scream queen
and the last one to survive.

Typecast.

- I'm Lola-- I mean, Chelsea.

I'll be playing Lola.

- Yes, the lungs of a banshee.

- The slumber party
is at my house,

Because I'm the rich,
spoiled one.

- Trent.
Playing Blaine.

- It's my first lead role.

- Yeah, I know.

I got to kiss a dude.

Super stoked.

- Yeah.

Again.

- What's going on, fellas?

This ain't no gymnasium.

We're not holding no
sixth grade dance.

- ♪ It's a tank without
a pool and we breaking
all the rules ♪

♪ Walking by the pool with
a bottle full of honey ♪

♪ Looking for some tail

- He's right.

- ♪ Let me get up

♪ On a high horse for a minute

♪ I know I'd be
the best thing ♪

- Uh-oh.
Game on.

- Hey, Dallas,

Can I show you something?

- Um, sure.

- Hello, ladies.

- Hey.
- Hi again.

- Glad you both could make it.

- So fun, right?

Yeah.

- Uh-oh.

We've been spotted.
10:00.

- She looks a little nuts.

- Not as crazy as that
Kimmy chick, though.

- ♪ I see a hot chick
walking quickly my way ♪

- Yeah, I guess.

- Oh, here she comes.

Kill it, stud.

- What's up?

- I've got to be
totally honest with you.

I am really, really excited
to be working with you.

- Sweet.

- ♪ And I want to
see you naked ♪

- Hey, guys.

- Hey, little man.

You did well.

- Huh?

- I think summer here

Is just perfect for the lead.

- Oh.
- Aw, you're so sweet.

- I totally agree.

She's got the looks
and the talent.

- That's what my daddy says.

- Perfect.

- How long do we
have to stay here?

- Oh, shut up.

- Hey, personal assistant,

Will you go get Trent

And bring him over
here for me, please?

- No, I'm good.

- Fine.
Katie, will you do it?

- Um, okay.

I was gonna go get
a drink anyways.

- No, uh--

- You know,
you would look so much better

Without this hat.

- Ugh.
Please don't touch me.

- Hey, newt?

So this is where the
kick-off party is?

- Uh, yeah.

- Is that thing on?

- Uh, be right back.

- What do you mean,
Jordan’s here?

- What are you doing, man?
I'm in the zone.

- What the fuck is
Jordan doing here?

- She bought it?
- Bought what?

- I told her we cast
her in the movie.

We wrote a part in for her.

- Why the fuck
did you do that?

- Hey, to get her here.

You want to get her back,
make her jealous.

- She can't be in the movie!

- Uh, guys,
there is--

Both: shut up, newt!

- It's a good thing
I'm not suicidal.

- Dude, you could bang
half the chicks here,

Especially that Chelsea chick.

You want to make
Jordan jealous?

I'll help you.

- What are you gonna do?

- I don't know. I'll think
of something, a plan.

Now, go.

Hey, Jordan.
How you doing?

- So what's up?
What's my part?

- You know,
the crazy hot one.

- What's the story?

- Psychopath killer
slaughtering hot girls.

- You mean there's
more than one hot girl?

It's just a thing
my agent says,

A bug he's put into my head.

It's always important
to be the hottest.

Helps you build a fan base.

And you know, I've got, like,
473,000 twitter followers.

It's kind of like
when you're looking

At all the presents
under the Christmas tree.

They're all pretty
and exciting,

But there's always that
one special present,

The one with the biggest bow.

Just can't take
your eyes off of it.

I'm that fucking present.

And where's the script?

- You know, you should talk
to Ross and Austin about that.

They're the writers.

They probably have a copy
in their car or something.

See ya.

- This bench is so cute.

- Yeah, I thought so, right?

This place is cool.
Johnson's got style.

- That he does.

- So you want to
see the website I'm
building for the movie?

- You're building the website?

- Well, I am the producer.

- I mean, yeah, but not all
producers are tech-savvy.

- I used to work in marketing,
so this is just fun for me.

- That's so cool.

- Yeah.
How about you?

Do you do anything
besides act?

- Yeah, I'm an elementary
school teacher.

Of
course you are.

- Why are you laughing?

- 'Cause that's just perfect.

- What is?
- You are.

I mean,
the job is for you.

Children--

- Fuck.

Wait, now you're laughing.

- Probably blushing too.

- You really need to put
more meat on these bones.

- Oh, dude,
you are killing me.

- What?
I'm just saying.

Don't you think
he's too skinny?

- I don't know, man.
I really don't--

- I'm very
uncomfortable right now.

- There's a lot of
me in this business.

Maybe you're just
not cut out for it.

- What business?
What are you talking about?

This is a joke.
- Hey.

- No, fuck it.
I'm out of here.

- And that is when
Ross pissed himself.

- Shut up, man.

I was incredibly wasted.

I don't usually get like that.

- Hey, it's all right.

We all have our
own crazy stories.

- Yeah?
- Of course.

- I think it's time for
you to tell one, then.

- Yeah, tell us.

What's the craziest
thing you've ever done?

- Well, this one time,
at cheerleading camp--

- Hey, babe.
Let's get out of here.

- Katie, I need you now.

- Uh, just a little longer?
- No, I'm going.

You can stay if you want.
I don't care.

- Pretty please?

- Okay, I'll see you later.

- Whatever.

- What's up with peter
the party pooper?

- I don't know.

He hasn't been in the
best moods lately.

What's up?

- Come quick.
I need your help.

- And then he was like, "oh,
my god."

- Kimmy, come with me.

Johnson, this is Kimmy,

The slutty one.

- Oh, nice to meet you.

- Come take a shot
with me and Justin.

We're celebrating.

- Celebrating what?

- The movie, silly.

It's gonna be so exciting.

He's going to be a
huge producer, Justin.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey.

Oh, shit.

Hey.

What the "f" is
she doing here?

- So you're the writers?

- Yes, I am.
- We are.

- Cool.
Nice to meet you.

- Hi.
I'm Alex.

- Are you in the movie?

- Yeah, I play Rachel.

- I'm hotter than her, right?

So can I see a script?

- Uh--
- uh, not till the table read.

- Right, not until
the table read.

- Fuck.

Whatever.
I got to go call my agent.

- What is going on?

- How's the party?

- What?

- How's the party?

- It sucks.

And so will this movie if
it ever even gets made.

- Hmm.

- Hey, guys.
Could we sit here?

- Finders keepers.
Get your own bench.

- Seriously?
- What?

- No, it's okay.
You guys can sit here.

I could use a trip to the
little girl's room anyway.

- Oh, me too.
- Great.

Dallas.
- Summer.

- Shall we?
- We shall.

- Way to fuck that
one up, punchy.

- I bet you can't drink
the rest of this flask.

- For sure I can.

- Then do it.

Told you.

- Well done.

- Man.

That Asian has some
banging titties.

- You know that titties

Are just big balls
of fat, right?

- Well, what do we have here?

- What are you doing here?

- Poor little straight boy.
Is he trying to get you drunk?

- Get out of here, Calvin.

- You know he's just gonna
convert you, then leave you.

- Convert me?
What the fuck?

- He's talking nonsense.
- He's hoping to make you gay.

- I'm not gay.
- Nobody said that you were.

- I don't feel so good.

I'm going home.

- I'll take you home.

- Yeah, then he's gonna
tell you he's a masseur.

Nice try.

I'm the only real
masseur around here.

- Those fucking
fantastic hands.

- Good night,
straight boy.

- What are you
doing here, Calvin?

- What?
I saw the event on facebook.

- Hey, I got your text.
What's up?

- Oh, good.

I need you to do some
more scheming for me.

- Great.
I love scheming.

That's hilarious.

I can't believe you
woke up like that.

- I know. I probably
smelled like butter.

Yum.

- I'm gonna hit the
restroom real quick.

I'll be right back.

- Yeah, that's a
good idea, bro,

Before you piss
yourself all over again.

- Mm-hmm, very funny.
- Oh.

- Uh, you look kind of cold.
Do you want my jacket?

- Are you sure?
- Yeah, it's totally fine.

- Oh, thank you.
- Great.

- I would have never
guessed you were so wild.

- Oh, I'm just really
amped up tonight.

I want to get crazy.

- Oh, well,
lucky me.

- Chase, I need you for a sec.

Get Chelsea in the hot
tub in five minutes.

- What?
Why?

- Don't ask questions.
Just do it.

It'll be easy.

- I don't know if
that's a good idea.

- All part of Justin’s
jealousy plan.

- Oh, hey.
- What was that all about?

- Uh, nothing.

- I don't really like her.

- Okay.

- Yeah, this is bullshit. I
don't even know how to leave.

- Jordan, right?

- Yeah.
Who are you?

- Your new best friend.

- Huh?

- You want a role in
this movie, right?

- Maybe.

- Well, it's the
hottest girl part.

- Okay.

- Chase misses you.

He had them create
your character.

Meet him by the hot
tub in five minutes.

He'll explain everything.

- Just cast me in
your damn movie.

- There isn't a role for you.

- Then create one.
- I can't.

- Why not?
You're the director.

- The story doesn't
call for it.

- Oh, the story?
Tell it to me.

- Well, it's complicated.

- Well, tell me.

- No.

- Then I'll do it.

- Don't.

- I will.
I'll tell everyone.

- You wouldn't.
- Oh, I would.

You know I would.
- No!

- I will tell everyone that
you like country music.

Fits you good.

- You just got to put
the collar down, though.

Do you want a button?

- Hey.

What's wrong?

- Nothing.

- Ross, I can
tell you're upset.

You can talk to me.

- Fine.

It's Austin.

He's obviously not into Kimmy.

He's into my girl, Alex.

- Ouch.

That hurts.

- I thought she was
really digging me too.

- Well, then go over there,
and tell Austin to back off.

- Oh, I can't.

- Why?

'Cause you're a nice guy?

- Well, apparently.

- Exactly.

Go over there,
and be a man.

Us girls, we like a guy
who gets what he wants.

♪

- What the fuck, chase?

- No.
Jordan.

Jordan!

- Everybody, I would
like to introduce you

To our newest cast
member, Calvin.

- Um, what?

- Now I'm going home.

♪

- Austin, can I talk to you?

Stay away from her.

- What?

- Stop flirting with Alex.

I don't know what you're
talking about, Broski.

- I'm not your Broski, Broski.

- No, I don't think
we have insurance.

- What?
No!

Ross, stop!

- Guys!

Guys!

Stop it!

- Fuck yeah!

Pool party!

Come on!

- ♪ And you're god-damn right ♪

♪ Well,
I'm a single man ♪

♪ And show me how
you suck it tonight ♪

- Why the fuck not?

- Remember when I said...

Epic?

- Hey, cameraman.

Don't be such a nerd.
- Huh?

- Get your ass in here.

- Okay.

♪

- Whoo-hoo!

♪

- I've got a good
feeling about this.

- Hey, Justin.

Maybe you should
turn that thing off.

- It could go all the way!

- What the hell are
you guys doing here?

- They wanted to show everyone
how you woke up alone.

- Yes, last night's kick-off
party was the best ever.

No, summer and I
didn't have sex, but...

She touched it.

- Did she make you cum?

- Not exactly.

- Then it wasn't
a real hand job.

- She worked it like
she was getting paid.

- She did get an
acting job out of it...

Or so she thinks.

- So now what?

- Was gonna ask
you the same thing.

- Did Trent really quit?

- Yeah, but he's been
replaced with Calvin,

So we're all good.

- Long live the fake movie.

- What about Jordan?

- She won't return my calls.

- All right.
I'll take care of it.

But I'm gonna need
a favor from you.

- What favor?

- I'm gonna need you to
call your buddy Bellagio.

We're gonna need a
hotshot photographer asap

For the poster shoot.

- I need you to
add more lights.

Not lines, lights.

Personal assistant.

- ♪ You know I would

♪ Get out with a
lot of the world ♪

♪ I got a story that
I know you will love ♪

♪ Oh, oh,
oh-oh whoa

♪ So here we go like a show ♪

♪ I’m a blow you away ♪

♪ With my American lie

♪ Anything can be bought

♪ Nothing's out of line ♪

♪ It's my american ♪

- I'm here.

Normally I don't
do poster shoots,

Especially something so
"b" horror and low-budget.

- Is there something
in my tooth?

- Yeah, right there.
Right there.

- But chase and I
go back a long way,

And he did promise
me an 8 ball.

- Did I get it?

- No.

- Hey, bro.
Thanks for coming.

- No prob.

What's up, ladies?

Let's get snappy.

- So while this
Bellagio character

Started the poster shoot,

I get these bad boys ready:
release forms.

We got to have them signed

If we ever want to
release this documentary.

- Yeah, I mean,
getting these signatures

Is a little sketchy, but--

But--

I got nothing.

- ♪ I'm so much cooler
than your boyfriend ♪

♪

- How'd you get Jordan here?

- I told her we
recast Chelsea.

She's gonna be
playing Lola instead.

- And she bought it?

- She's here,
isn't she?

- Good point.
But so is Chelsea.

- You think they know
about each other?

- I'm gonna guess yes.

- Doesn't matter who's
playing who right now.

Just keep reminding Jordan

That she's the
hottest character.

- Yeah.
She likes that shit.

- I think Jordan likes
the power in spite.

Spite's a cool word.

- Dallas is so
freaking beautiful.

This was a great idea, man.

- Yeah.

And summer basically

Already wants to
be my girlfriend.

- You know, she'd
probably sleep with anyone

Who could advance her career.

- No way, man.
She's way into me.

- Sure.

Dude, why are you wearing
sunglasses inside?

- I'm a movie star now.

Need to start
dressing the part.

- Right.

- Hey, buddy.

- What do you want?

Look, I'm really sorry.

- No, you're not.

- Yes.
Yes, I am.

- Just leave me alone.

- Look, Ross, I never meant
to upset you in any way.

It's just that I actually
have feelings for this girl.

- Seriously?

- Dude, you know me better
than anyone else here.

I've never felt this
way about anyone before.

- Yeah, well,
good timing.

- Ross.

- ♪ I'm so much cooler
than your girlfriend ♪

- Uh, hey, Katie.

What you doing?

- Staring out the window.

- Yeah, I can see that.

Are you okay?

- Ryan just dumped me.

- What?

What?

I'm sorry to hear that.

- He did it over the phone.

- What, who does that?

- Ryan, apparently.

- Yeah, apparently.

- You know, it's probably
for the best, though.

I mean, he's been a real
stick in the mud lately.

A little stick.

Little stick.

- You deserve
better than that.

- Thank you.

- And I'm here for you

If you need a
shoulder to cry on.

Or someone to buy you a drink.

- Thank you.

But you know, actually,
I'm not all that sad.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

But I could use someone
to get a drink with.

- You can have Alex.

- What?

- If she likes you too,
go for it.

I really think she does, man.

Like, we have been texting
nonstop since the party.

- Good.
I'm happy for you.

- Oh, Broski!

I'm gonna need a hug.

- Later?
- Now.

- Later.
- Now.

- Later.
- Now.

- Later!
- Okay.

- I need to see sex.

I need more sex in your faces.

Nice. Nice.
Beautiful.

That's it.
Come on.

Ooh, yeah.

More sex in the eyes.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Mm.

Good.

Now in the lips.

Show me sex lips.

Sex lips.

Oh, yeah.
Oh, nice.

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Beautiful.
Love it.

Love it, girls.

And I'm out of batteries.

Got to take ten,

Hit the loo,
and change my batts.

Ciao, ladies.

- I wish I was British.

- Okay, everyone,
take ten,

And don't forget to
sign the release form

If you haven't already.

- Give me that thing.

- Yes, ma'am.

- Did you type
this up yourself?

- I did.
Why?

- Well, it looks
pretty professional.

- You would expect
anything less?

- I mean,
these movies usually operate

On a much crappier level.

- Well, there's nothing
crappy allowed on my sets.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

That's just how I roll.

How I roll?
Really?

That couldn't have
sounded cool coming
from a jew like me.

Hey.

Not to mix business
with pleasure,

But when all this
is over and done,

Would you let me
buy you dinner?

- Um, sure.

As long as it's not
somewhere crappy.

- She rocks my socks
off day and night.

- So where do I sign?

- Oh, right there.

You know, summer,

Justin's just a
co-producer on this film.

I'm the real producer.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

We should totally, like,
hang out sometime

And talk about your character,

Maybe some future projects.

- I would love that.

- That'd be great.

Poor Justin.

Someone had to
prove him wrong.

- Here's my number

Right next to the "call me."

- Thanks.

- Hey, summer,
looking great.

- Thanks.

- Told you.
- Told me what?

- She just wants to
advance her career, man.

"Call me."

- That's awesome.
- How is that awesome?

- 'Cause it means she's easy.

The way to her heart
is through her career?

I'll figure something out.

- Is he going for her heart

Or her vagina?

Just looking out, bro.

- Progress in motion.

♪

Normally a table read is at
the beginning of a movie,

But when you're
making a documentary

About a movie with a
non-existent screenplay,

It's at the end,

Such as this case.

- Dude, what the
fuck are you wearing?

- Movie star stuff.
You like it?

- No.

- Oh, but it's okay
when you wear it?

- Yeah, at, like,
a red carpet or premier,

Not a table read.

And when I wear that shit,

I make it look good.

- Whatever.
I feel cool.

- Hey, whatever tickles
your tiny pickle, man.

So this is your place, Ben?
- Yes, sir.

- Cool.

And who are those people?

- I hired some
more fake people.

I'm going for theatrics.

- I guess I'm the art
director. - Hair and make-up.

- Someone said the director
needed an assistant.

- Okay, and that guy?

- I'm what you call
a second shooter.

I got here in no time
and at the right price.

I'm Riley sacks, the fastest
second shooter in the west.

Call Riley sacks any time,
any way,

And he'll be there
with a camera

Faster than you
can say tumbleweed.

Don't be a jack.

Call Riley sacks,

The fastest second
shooter in the west.

Very fair prices,
premium quality.

Discounts available
for product placement.

- I told him to focus
mainly on my close-ups.

Ding!

- Hey, guys,
what's so funny?

- Ross just fell
coming up the stairs.

- Yeah, I bet you
would have loved it

If I fell flat on my
face, too, wouldn't you?

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh?

- Those two were
making me sick

The whole drive here.

All right,
let's get this shit over with.

What's the plan?

- There really isn't a plan.

Well, Katie is gonna
hand out the scripts.

- But I thought there
wasn't a script.

- It's for dramatic
effect, right?

- Right.

Good documentaries
require good drama.

- All right, well,
I have had it

With this little
game of a project.

- Dude, what is up your ass?

- Nothing, obviously.

- Oh, I get it.

Gross.

- You're just pissed
because Trent quit.

- Oh, I'm over that.

Now I just want to get
back on with my life.

- The cast will be
here in a few minutes.

- Wait a minute, guys.

Does anyone realize
what we're about to do?

- Huh?

- We're huge liars.

- I like to think of myself as
more of a creative concocter.

It's just a little white lie.

- No.
No. No.

This is big.
This is, like, a red lie.

- There's different
colors of lies?

- Fuck yeah,
there is.

There's, like,
12 of them.

- Really?
- Yeah.

A pink lie has to do with sex,

Like if you make up some
story about some slut

Letting you jizz
all over her face.

- He's right.
Look it up.

- And then there's blue,
which means--

- Stop!
Just stop talking nonsense.

- The girls are gonna
be here any second.

We're about write ourselves
out as fucking bullshitters.

- Shit.
He's right.

- We can't do this.
I can't do this.

I actually really
like my girl.

- Fuck, I do too, guys.
I don't--

- So what are you saying?

- I don't know.

I don't know.

Maybe we should actually
make this movie.

- Oh, hell no.

- That's what I've been
saying all this time.

- No, guys.
We can't.

We don't have a script.

- Well, we have all
these blank ones.

- I don't feel good.

Fuck.
Fuck, this isn't good.

- Hey, calm down.
Calm down.

It's gonna be okay.

- No.
No, it's not.

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna say?

- I'm here.

- I just came to
watch the explosion.

- I am so glad that everyone
was able to make it.

Katie, please go ahead
and pass out the scripts.

- Certainly.

- No, no, no, no.
No one open them.

No one open them,
not yet.

- Tick, tock, tick, tock.

- Okay, everyone turn
to the first page,

And let's begin.

Yes, Jordan?

- My pages are blank.

- Yeah, mine are too.

- So are mine.

- The moment of truth.

That's because
there is no script.

- What?
- Huh?

- Um, are we
supposed to improve?

I won an improve
competition once.

- Nope.

No improve.
No script.

No story at all,
for that matter.

- Um, I don't get it.

- There is no bloody
slumber party.

- I don't get it either.

- We're not actually
starting a movie.

We're finishing a
movie right now,

And you all were the stars.

- We are?

- Yep.
Congratulations.

You all have been fantastic.

In fact,
you still are.

The cameras are still rolling.

Thank you all very much.

You've done a great job.

- Chase, what the
fuck is going on?

- It's a documentary, Jordan.

I'm gonna call
it American lie.

It's about a group of guys who
hold a fake casting session

So we can meet, mingle, and
date the girls of our dreams.

It's like a real
American pie story...

Sure to be a cult classic.

- Yes, Calvin?

- Parker likes country music.

- Classic.

♪

You know, I never
thought this documentary

Would turn into a
romantic comedy,

But in a weird way,
it kind of did.

Although, in real life,
some endings are good,

And some are not so good.

- Hey, Alex.
Austin.

Just wanted to talk to you.

Hey, Alex.

I would just really
like to see you again.

Austin again.
Listen.

It's me again.

Just give me a call
back when you get this.

- Sucks for Austin.

Alex never talked
to him again.

Ben got it even worse, though.

Not only did he lose
any and all chance

He might have had with Dallas,

But she's suing him.

And, unfortunately for Ben,
he's the sole producer.

He's the only one the
lawyers are attacking.

- Chase and Jordan
got back together.

Funny.

I thought she'd be the
most pissed of them all.

- I just hated seeing
him with another girl.

- Oh, I hated being
with anybody but you.

- 'Cause I'm the best sex
you've ever had, right?

- Oh, there's no comparison.

Yeah, man.
I've missed your body.

- Oh, fuck,
you make me wet.

- Uh, guys?

Guys?

- How about this cute story?

- I'm just glad
this little project

Brought us together.

- You are so sweet.
- No, you're so sweet.

- No, you're sweeter.
- No, you're sweeter.

- No, you're the sweetest.
- No, you're the sweetest.

- Nauseating, right?

And then there's
Parker’s truth.

- Yes.
I admit it.

I like country music.
Is that so wrong?

Does it really
make me that awful?

I can still be a
dark and moody artist

Any time I want.

So what if I like it?

I love it.

I want some more of it.

- And what about me?
What's my outcome?

Well, let's just say
summer was thrilled

To be in my movie.

She really didn't care about
the bloody slumber party.

She just wanted to
star in a movie.

And she did,
my movie, this movie.

And now she thinks
I'm brilliant.

- Brilliant?

- What?
Don't believe me?

- Babe, turn off the camera,
and come back to bed.

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