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1
00:00:08,875 --> 00:00:11,675
Stan, it's 5:00 a.m.
2
00:00:12,017 --> 00:00:14,212
On opening day of the state fair!
3
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:17,882
Just 25 measly miles
between me and those gates.
4
00:00:20,286 --> 00:00:24,756
♪ 25 miles until I get to heeeaven ♪
5
00:00:24,758 --> 00:00:25,989
Ah!
6
00:00:27,961 --> 00:00:31,495
♪ 25 miles until I reach the gaaates ♪
7
00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:38,970
♪ 25 miles until I get
to the state fair ♪
8
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:42,306
♪ Where me, ole Stanny-boy ♪
9
00:00:42,308 --> 00:00:45,910
♪ Can plaaaaaay ♪
10
00:00:46,980 --> 00:00:49,313
Gross. Dad, put a shirt on.
11
00:00:49,315 --> 00:00:50,982
And... what's with the denim?
12
00:00:50,984 --> 00:00:53,317
This is my state fair outfit, ya doofus.
13
00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:54,718
It's opening day.
14
00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:58,055
The only day the lumberjacks
are there signing autographs.
15
00:00:58,057 --> 00:01:00,825
And this year,
I'm getting my poster signed.
16
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:03,395
Huh. Weird.
17
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,129
That's how you're spending
your yearly bonding day
18
00:01:05,131 --> 00:01:06,598
- with Jeff?
- Wait. What?
19
00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,067
♪ 'Cause my wife wants her dad to see ♪
20
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,936
♪ I'm not worthless ♪
21
00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,271
♪ Yes! ♪
22
00:01:13,273 --> 00:01:19,611
♪ It's Stan and Jeff's
bondage daaaaaay! ♪
23
00:01:19,613 --> 00:01:22,013
No! That can't be today.
24
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,082
Hey, this guy's hot.
25
00:01:24,084 --> 00:01:27,619
When I was little,
I used to play pretend lumberjack.
26
00:01:27,621 --> 00:01:29,153
Play pretend?
27
00:01:29,155 --> 00:01:31,623
Hayley, he's doing it again.
He's being an idiot.
28
00:01:31,625 --> 00:01:34,426
Dad! He looked up that word
the last time you said it,
29
00:01:34,428 --> 00:01:36,560
and he might still know what it means.
30
00:01:36,562 --> 00:01:38,963
Look, I can't have this boy
with me around the L-Jacks.
31
00:01:38,965 --> 00:01:40,031
He's embarrassing.
32
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:41,433
Well, that was our bet.
33
00:01:41,435 --> 00:01:43,301
You said our marriage
wouldn't last a year.
34
00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:45,703
It was a safe bet.
Half of marriages end in divorce.
35
00:01:45,705 --> 00:01:47,238
Why can't yours?
36
00:01:47,240 --> 00:01:49,507
So now you have to hang out
with Jeff one day a year.
37
00:01:49,509 --> 00:01:52,243
Fine. Okay. But he's such an...
38
00:01:52,245 --> 00:01:53,311
ignoramus?
39
00:01:53,313 --> 00:01:55,313
- Sure. Give it a spin.
- Ignoramus!
40
00:01:55,315 --> 00:01:57,849
Ooh! Are we playing dinosaurs?!
41
00:01:57,851 --> 00:02:00,118
- Sure.
- Rawr!
42
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:04,922
I'm the great and powerful Ignoranus!
43
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:09,794
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
44
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:13,731
♪ I got a feelin'
that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪
45
00:02:13,733 --> 00:02:16,801
♪ The sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ♪
46
00:02:16,803 --> 00:02:21,373
♪ And he's shinin'
a salute to the American race ♪
47
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:26,610
♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
48
00:02:26,612 --> 00:02:29,280
- ♪ Good... ♪
- ♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
49
00:02:29,282 --> 00:02:30,315
Aah!
50
00:02:31,751 --> 00:02:34,886
♪ Good morning, U.S.A. ♪
51
00:02:37,290 --> 00:02:39,023
The fair has many distractions,
52
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:41,893
but we're here for one
thing and one thing only.
53
00:02:41,895 --> 00:02:44,763
The jackin' zone.
54
00:02:45,699 --> 00:02:48,632
Oh, maaan! I crinkled it all up!
55
00:02:48,634 --> 00:02:50,634
I'm a stupid idiot.
56
00:02:50,636 --> 00:02:51,903
Tissue for your tears, sir?
57
00:02:51,905 --> 00:02:53,305
Is this a paper towel?
58
00:02:53,307 --> 00:02:56,240
Well. I am a lumberjack.
59
00:02:56,242 --> 00:02:59,043
Wow! That's quite a jaw you have.
60
00:03:00,446 --> 00:03:03,415
Say, have you ever thought
about jackin', my friend?
61
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,919
R-r-r-really?! Like with a big old axe?
62
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:10,654
Totally! With an axe, a beard.
63
00:03:10,656 --> 00:03:12,456
All the lumberjack things.
64
00:03:12,458 --> 00:03:14,926
We compete in the Langley
woods off route 80.
65
00:03:14,928 --> 00:03:16,794
We've even got an amateur division,
66
00:03:16,796 --> 00:03:18,396
and there's an opening in doubles.
67
00:03:18,398 --> 00:03:20,865
You could, uh,
join up with your son here.
68
00:03:20,867 --> 00:03:21,933
This guy's not my son.
69
00:03:23,203 --> 00:03:25,070
This is my son.
70
00:03:26,540 --> 00:03:29,541
Whoa. Babe alert.
71
00:03:31,878 --> 00:03:33,477
Thanks for pretending you're my mom
72
00:03:33,479 --> 00:03:35,479
so I can get my ears pierced,
Mrs. Smith.
73
00:03:35,481 --> 00:03:39,083
No problem.
I want my son's friends to look hot.
74
00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:41,619
Snot, look!
75
00:03:42,355 --> 00:03:44,155
It's one of those contests!
76
00:03:44,157 --> 00:03:47,359
Whoever keeps their hand on
the truck longest wins it.
77
00:03:47,361 --> 00:03:50,228
Wow. A truck would be a godsend.
78
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:53,697
My mom has had to pick up
a lot of farm work lately.
79
00:03:53,699 --> 00:03:55,433
Winning this truck
could be the difference
80
00:03:55,435 --> 00:03:57,435
between life and death for us.
81
00:03:57,437 --> 00:03:59,904
And if we win it, we could park it
82
00:03:59,906 --> 00:04:02,440
on Tuttle's front lawn for a joke!
83
00:04:05,779 --> 00:04:07,111
- Oh! Let me in there!
- It's starting!
84
00:04:07,113 --> 00:04:08,646
- Check it out!
- Ooh, ooh, ooh!
85
00:04:08,648 --> 00:04:10,982
This kind of contest brings
out the worst in people.
86
00:04:10,984 --> 00:04:12,450
Don't trust anybody.
87
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:14,786
They're just trying to get
your hand off the truck.
88
00:04:14,788 --> 00:04:16,454
Got it.
89
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,856
Oh, to help us pass the time,
why don't you show us
90
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:21,793
your famous Sicilian
grandmother impression, Snot?
91
00:04:21,795 --> 00:04:22,994
Ah-ha!
92
00:04:22,996 --> 00:04:25,196
Whenaya gonna get a-married-uh?
93
00:04:25,198 --> 00:04:26,864
That kid took his hand off!
94
00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:28,400
Steve! How could you?
95
00:04:28,402 --> 00:04:30,134
Take a hike, rookie.
96
00:04:32,072 --> 00:04:35,339
Hop in, Schmuley! We gotta get
this cow to Lancaster county!
97
00:04:42,182 --> 00:04:45,249
Oh, Buckle would be
a great lumberjack partner.
98
00:04:45,979 --> 00:04:46,985
Yello?
99
00:04:46,987 --> 00:04:48,519
Buckle, my man! How'd you like...
100
00:04:48,521 --> 00:04:52,190
Ha! You've reached my machine!
101
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,058
Leave a message!
102
00:04:55,395 --> 00:04:58,062
Nobody makes me laugh
harder than you, Buckle.
103
00:04:58,064 --> 00:04:59,730
You're a real dick.
104
00:05:01,334 --> 00:05:04,068
Lewis, I'm looking
for a partner to jack with.
105
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:06,070
Oh, no, no, no. I-I mean lumber jack.
106
00:05:06,357 --> 00:05:08,339
Hello? Dick, what's up?
107
00:05:08,341 --> 00:05:10,541
Hooper, my bud. Dooper.
108
00:05:10,543 --> 00:05:12,943
Bullock, sir, I need your help.
Hello, Tuttle.
109
00:05:12,945 --> 00:05:14,745
Ms. Peaches, you may not remember me,
110
00:05:14,747 --> 00:05:17,048
but you taught me art
in elementary school.
111
00:05:18,084 --> 00:05:20,218
Huh. Girl Smith?
112
00:05:20,220 --> 00:05:21,820
Probably Hayley or Francine.
113
00:05:21,822 --> 00:05:23,754
Could be someone else.
114
00:05:23,756 --> 00:05:24,823
Hey, Dad.
115
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:26,224
Hey, Hayley.
116
00:05:26,226 --> 00:05:28,226
Will you please be my
lumberjack partner?
117
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:30,428
Oh. This is the thing
Jeff was telling me about.
118
00:05:30,430 --> 00:05:32,697
He said he really wanted
to do this with you.
119
00:05:32,699 --> 00:05:34,032
Yeah, anybody but him.
120
00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:37,235
Dad, just do it with him.
He might actually be helpful.
121
00:05:37,237 --> 00:05:40,638
And if he's not, I will never
make you do bonding day again.
122
00:05:44,307 --> 00:05:45,309
Damn it!
123
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:47,978
Hanging out with Jeff to never
hang out with Jeff again?
124
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,248
It's a gotdang Catch-Jeffy-2!
125
00:05:50,250 --> 00:05:52,050
The world's so sucky!
126
00:05:55,522 --> 00:05:58,122
I've considered your offer.
I think it's a fair deal.
127
00:05:58,124 --> 00:05:59,724
You know I can hear you, right?
128
00:05:59,726 --> 00:06:01,459
We share a wall.
129
00:06:02,929 --> 00:06:04,995
Howdy, partner!
130
00:06:06,799 --> 00:06:09,734
Wow. It's amazing how many
people got phone calls
131
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:11,802
and suddenly ran off for no reason.
132
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:14,005
Oh, there was a reason.
133
00:06:14,007 --> 00:06:16,407
Ever heard of..."arson"?
134
00:06:16,409 --> 00:06:19,343
You... had their homes burned down?
135
00:06:19,345 --> 00:06:21,279
Well, I don't wanna brag.
136
00:06:21,281 --> 00:06:23,679
Get off my truck! My wife's in labor!
137
00:06:23,714 --> 00:06:25,149
No late joiners.
138
00:06:25,151 --> 00:06:27,418
The contest already started, buddy.
139
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,487
And ended! That was this morning.
140
00:06:29,489 --> 00:06:31,089
I didn't want a hot hardbody.
141
00:06:31,091 --> 00:06:32,757
That's why I parked in the shade.
142
00:06:32,759 --> 00:06:36,761
What do you think, mom?
She does look pregnant.
143
00:06:36,763 --> 00:06:39,430
In labor, my ass!
144
00:06:39,432 --> 00:06:40,899
Put your cervix on the glass!
145
00:06:42,302 --> 00:06:44,502
Welcome, lumberjacks!
146
00:06:44,504 --> 00:06:47,505
We have a very exciting
doubles heat for you today!
147
00:06:47,507 --> 00:06:49,640
Next up on the standing block chop,
148
00:06:49,642 --> 00:06:52,777
a team making their amateur debut...
149
00:06:52,779 --> 00:06:56,247
Stan Smith and Jeff Fister!
150
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,249
Fister. That's how I signed you up.
151
00:06:58,251 --> 00:07:00,719
'Cause you're worthless,
just like a fist.
152
00:07:00,721 --> 00:07:03,788
Ready positions!
153
00:07:05,858 --> 00:07:07,325
Oww!
154
00:07:08,729 --> 00:07:10,328
Look at him go!
155
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,397
Not since Woody Woodpecker himself
156
00:07:12,399 --> 00:07:15,266
have I seen anybody chewin'
up wood like this!
157
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,603
Oh, my God.
This Fister guy is better than me.
158
00:07:21,674 --> 00:07:23,808
It's a record!
159
00:07:25,145 --> 00:07:27,545
Wow! Fister! That was amazing!
160
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:30,749
Fister's not his name!
That was my hilarious joke!
161
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:33,618
Plus, I got that log started like 90%.
162
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:36,087
So, really, you guys
should be impressed by me.
163
00:07:36,089 --> 00:07:37,555
And my Jack hands.
164
00:07:37,557 --> 00:07:39,958
Fellow L-Jacks call 'em "Jack Hands,"
165
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:41,760
as my friends can attest, Jeff.
166
00:07:41,762 --> 00:07:45,196
It's what happens when you
jack so hard and fast, Jeff.
167
00:07:46,860 --> 00:07:48,034
As we reach the middle
168
00:07:48,055 --> 00:07:49,836
of the lumberjacking season,
169
00:07:49,915 --> 00:07:52,337
no team has been more fun to watch
170
00:07:52,339 --> 00:07:54,272
than Smith and Fister.
171
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:58,476
Let's see them work their magic
in doubles speed-climbing.
172
00:08:00,747 --> 00:08:02,613
Fister taking charge,
173
00:08:02,615 --> 00:08:05,816
carrying Smith like a reverse kangaroo!
174
00:08:09,222 --> 00:08:12,757
I am Smith, vertical wood cheetah!
175
00:08:13,626 --> 00:08:17,228
Oh, you looked so sexy
scaling that tree, babe.
176
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:19,030
Minus my dad humping your back.
177
00:08:19,032 --> 00:08:20,298
Thanks, babe.
178
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:22,767
But you know what's really sexy?
179
00:08:22,769 --> 00:08:26,037
Finally getting to have some
quality time with your dad.
180
00:08:26,039 --> 00:08:27,505
What are you talking about?
181
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,774
He's using you to look good
in front of the lumberjacks,
182
00:08:29,776 --> 00:08:31,642
and he's not giving you any credit.
183
00:08:31,644 --> 00:08:33,778
Jeff, I'm taking the L-Jacks
back to my place
184
00:08:33,780 --> 00:08:34,913
for some F-Jacks.
185
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:38,316
That's flapjack,
as any real jack-jock would already know
186
00:08:38,318 --> 00:08:40,518
and not need explained, at the dear cost
187
00:08:40,520 --> 00:08:42,653
of slowing down the
exit of the Jack Pack.
188
00:08:42,655 --> 00:08:44,388
Peace out!
189
00:08:44,390 --> 00:08:45,990
That's a real D-Bag move.
190
00:08:45,992 --> 00:08:48,793
Maybe you should think about
ditching my dad and going solo.
191
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,194
I don't know, babe.
192
00:08:50,196 --> 00:08:53,264
I'm so close to him
realizing I'm not worthless.
193
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,400
Of course you're not worthless.
194
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,667
You're my whole world.
195
00:08:57,207 --> 00:08:58,669
Can you find your own ride home?
196
00:08:58,671 --> 00:09:01,406
I'm getting trashed with Danuta
at the Pickle Palace tonight.
197
00:09:01,408 --> 00:09:03,007
She's in a sexual relationship
198
00:09:03,009 --> 00:09:04,208
with some of the bartenders there.
199
00:09:04,210 --> 00:09:06,076
Peace out!
200
00:09:06,078 --> 00:09:08,613
Wow. Danuta.
201
00:09:08,615 --> 00:09:10,148
Good for her.
202
00:09:13,553 --> 00:09:15,085
How many times must I tell you?
203
00:09:15,087 --> 00:09:17,488
This is not a contest.
This is my life...
204
00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:19,557
Hey, is that breast milk?
Can I get a pull?
205
00:09:19,559 --> 00:09:21,492
If you people get out of my garage,
206
00:09:21,494 --> 00:09:24,028
you can have all the
breast milk you want!
207
00:09:24,030 --> 00:09:26,164
Puh-lease. When I win this truck,
208
00:09:26,166 --> 00:09:29,100
women will be chucking
breast milk at me.
209
00:09:30,115 --> 00:09:31,636
Mm. Oh.
210
00:09:32,639 --> 00:09:35,506
Now, me and Jeff
don't always eat Flappy-Js...
211
00:09:35,508 --> 00:09:37,776
another word for F-Jacks,
Jeff, try to keep up...
212
00:09:37,778 --> 00:09:39,910
with our shirts off,
but I just thought you guys
213
00:09:39,912 --> 00:09:43,047
should see how much better
my body is than my partner's.
214
00:09:43,049 --> 00:09:45,249
Your partner's?
215
00:09:47,486 --> 00:09:48,919
Shyeah right.
216
00:09:48,921 --> 00:09:51,322
Jeff's the only one choppin' and sawin'.
217
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:52,991
He might as well be on his own.
218
00:09:52,993 --> 00:09:54,725
Psh. Yeah, okay, whatever.
219
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,661
Can you guys believe this nonsense?
220
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,400
See? They all know it's true.
221
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:05,203
- Jeff's better off without you.
- That's ridiculous.
222
00:10:05,205 --> 00:10:07,271
And there's no way to know
for sure who's better anyway.
223
00:10:07,273 --> 00:10:10,541
So you'll just have to trust me
and the guys that I'm better.
224
00:10:10,543 --> 00:10:12,076
There's a solo competition.
225
00:10:12,078 --> 00:10:14,145
Bring it on.
226
00:10:14,147 --> 00:10:16,481
I would "bring it on," obviously,
227
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:18,216
but it's probably not the season.
228
00:10:18,218 --> 00:10:19,818
He's right. It's not the season.
229
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,752
Well, you lucked out this time, Jeff.
230
00:10:21,754 --> 00:10:23,822
Your embarrassment
will just have to wait.
231
00:10:23,824 --> 00:10:25,457
Season starts Tuesday.
232
00:10:27,894 --> 00:10:29,093
Roger, you gotta help me!
233
00:10:29,095 --> 00:10:31,629
- Gooo awayyyy.
- Roger, please.
234
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,232
You gotta teach me everything
you know about solo jacking.
235
00:10:34,234 --> 00:10:35,566
And to be clear, I mean...
236
00:10:35,568 --> 00:10:36,901
Singles competition timber sports.
237
00:10:36,903 --> 00:10:38,837
What else could you mean? But why?
238
00:10:38,839 --> 00:10:41,506
- Ugh. It's a whole thing with Jeff...
- Say no more.
239
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,708
Well, I do want to give
a few more details.
240
00:10:43,710 --> 00:10:45,710
Do you remember when we first met Jeff
241
00:10:45,712 --> 00:10:47,846
and he was only wearing one flip-flop?
242
00:10:47,848 --> 00:10:49,914
- _
- So, not only was the watermelon seedless...
243
00:10:49,916 --> 00:10:51,516
Stop, stop, stop!
244
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:54,653
You wanna look good in front of
those gorgeous-ass lumberjacks.
245
00:10:54,655 --> 00:10:56,320
Just give me a second.
246
00:10:56,322 --> 00:10:59,990
Huge Jeanman-Jackman. Lumberjack coach.
247
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:03,594
Listen, I used to be the
greatest coach of Lumber Jerks
248
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:06,865
in the Pacific Northwest
'til I punched a student in the face.
249
00:11:06,867 --> 00:11:09,800
And then I punched another.
Got a teensy drinking problem.
250
00:11:09,802 --> 00:11:11,669
I've punched every single one of 'em.
251
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:14,805
Gaaah! I wanna sock your ugly mug
so bad, I can taste it!
252
00:11:14,807 --> 00:11:17,408
But I respect boundaries.
I'm not your coach.
253
00:11:17,410 --> 00:11:20,144
You're hired. Ugh! Unh!
254
00:11:20,881 --> 00:11:23,448
Oops. I shouldn't have done
that before I did this.
255
00:11:24,685 --> 00:11:26,551
When my hair's a-danglin',
256
00:11:26,553 --> 00:11:27,952
I've been a-drinkin'.
257
00:11:27,954 --> 00:11:29,554
And now I can do this.
258
00:11:29,556 --> 00:11:32,090
- Unh!
- And back to this!
259
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:34,225
And back and forth! Enh!
260
00:11:34,227 --> 00:11:35,359
Unh! Unh!
261
00:11:35,361 --> 00:11:37,428
Ad infinitum!
262
00:11:37,430 --> 00:11:40,098
Unh! Unh! Unh!
263
00:11:50,042 --> 00:11:51,242
Whoo-ooh!
264
00:11:51,244 --> 00:11:53,778
Hair's a-danglin'!
265
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:10,128
Ugh! I instantly regret
throwing my pickle!
266
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:11,662
Ah, that's my cue.
267
00:12:11,664 --> 00:12:13,598
Get your replacement pickles here!
268
00:12:13,600 --> 00:12:15,533
Pickles for chuckin' and chewin'!
269
00:12:15,535 --> 00:12:18,069
I oughta punch your pickle!
270
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:19,670
Ooh! Oh, no, you don't.
271
00:12:19,672 --> 00:12:22,741
Hoppity-boppity-boppity-boppity-
boppity-boppity-boppity-boppity!
272
00:12:29,750 --> 00:12:31,882
Smith and Fister are neck-and-neck
273
00:12:31,884 --> 00:12:34,619
as they saw through their final cookie!
274
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,821
This is gonna be really close!
275
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,160
A tie! A tie!
276
00:12:42,162 --> 00:12:43,962
Fister and Smith both qualify
277
00:12:43,964 --> 00:12:47,565
for the world championship in Alaska!
278
00:12:47,567 --> 00:12:49,434
Roger, your training worked!
279
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,036
Hit me again!
I wanna smoke Jeff in Alaska.
280
00:12:52,038 --> 00:12:55,506
I'm happy to hit you, Stan,
but it's gonna be with the truth.
281
00:12:55,508 --> 00:12:57,041
You'll never win in Alaska.
282
00:12:57,043 --> 00:12:58,909
Of course I will. You saw me out there.
283
00:12:58,911 --> 00:13:02,046
I did. But Alaska?
That's the championships.
284
00:13:02,048 --> 00:13:04,515
They're gonna check to make
sure the wood isn't butter.
285
00:13:04,517 --> 00:13:06,184
How can wood be butter?
286
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,519
I have been replacing all your wood
287
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:11,122
with a simulacrum made
of the product... butter.
288
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,725
Butterwood. The trick wood
you've been chopping and sawing.
289
00:13:14,727 --> 00:13:17,395
We've been cheating.
You're a terrible lumberjack!
290
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,665
Aw. Don't be sad.
291
00:13:20,667 --> 00:13:23,635
How 'bout a couple of quick
punches to cheer me up?
292
00:13:31,745 --> 00:13:32,820
Gah!
293
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:35,213
Coat's loud as hell, man.
294
00:13:35,215 --> 00:13:36,881
My puffy patagonia?
295
00:13:36,883 --> 00:13:39,417
Won't fit in my suitcase,
so I'm wearing it on the plane.
296
00:13:39,419 --> 00:13:40,552
Why aren't you ready?
297
00:13:40,554 --> 00:13:42,086
Oh, I'm not going to Alaska.
298
00:13:42,088 --> 00:13:43,287
What? Why?!
299
00:13:43,289 --> 00:13:45,022
I have to get my veneers replaced.
300
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,359
I know, I know.
Doesn't look like I have veneers
301
00:13:47,361 --> 00:13:49,561
or would even be a
person who gets veneers.
302
00:13:49,563 --> 00:13:51,963
But now you know my
very expensive secret.
303
00:13:54,500 --> 00:13:56,033
Roger, I need your help.
304
00:13:56,035 --> 00:13:57,835
I can't beat Jeff without cheating!
305
00:13:57,837 --> 00:14:00,772
I gotchya.
Hand me that turbo booster over there.
306
00:14:00,774 --> 00:14:03,707
You're gonna turbo
boost Jeff's chainsaw.
307
00:14:03,709 --> 00:14:06,578
This puppy will make his
saw too powerful to control.
308
00:14:06,580 --> 00:14:08,980
Turbo boost him right
out of the championship.
309
00:14:08,982 --> 00:14:10,448
Thank you so much.
310
00:14:10,450 --> 00:14:13,451
Please, Stan, just leave.
My head, your voice.
311
00:14:14,520 --> 00:14:16,588
And your [BLEEP] jacket!
312
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:42,680
Oh, mama. Look at that saw!
313
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,916
I gotta feel the heft of that baby.
314
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,954
Ohh. Just a little
tugaroo won't kill anyone.
315
00:14:49,956 --> 00:14:51,889
Wait! It's been turbo-boosted!
316
00:14:51,891 --> 00:14:53,557
You can't possibly control it!
317
00:14:53,559 --> 00:14:55,693
I think I can control it.
318
00:14:55,695 --> 00:14:57,762
No! You're not
a professional lumberjack!
319
00:14:57,764 --> 00:14:58,998
You're just a pilot!
320
00:14:59,833 --> 00:15:02,033
♪ Lumberjack superhero ♪
321
00:15:02,035 --> 00:15:05,103
Put that down!
You'll never be a lumberjack!
322
00:15:05,105 --> 00:15:08,306
Now get inside and
study your pilot books!
323
00:15:08,308 --> 00:15:09,974
I don't want your life!
324
00:15:13,399 --> 00:15:15,379
Screw you, Dad!
325
00:15:33,066 --> 00:15:36,000
Get those people out of our garage, Bob!
326
00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:39,003
What sort of limp-dick man
did I even marry, Bob?!
327
00:15:39,005 --> 00:15:41,139
Tammy's really letting
Bob have it in there.
328
00:15:41,141 --> 00:15:44,408
This is getting pretty real, Mom.
Maybe...
329
00:15:44,410 --> 00:15:46,010
Don't you say it, Steve!
330
00:15:46,012 --> 00:15:49,347
Maybe this isn't a contest?
331
00:15:53,419 --> 00:15:54,886
Please just leave!
332
00:15:54,888 --> 00:15:58,690
You people are ruining my marriage!
333
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,093
Steve.
334
00:16:02,095 --> 00:16:04,696
Aaaaaaaah!
335
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,432
Please forgive us, Bob!
336
00:16:10,570 --> 00:16:12,837
Bobby, baby, we did it!
337
00:16:12,839 --> 00:16:15,707
We were in it together all along,
you fools!
338
00:16:15,709 --> 00:16:18,242
We win the hardbody!
339
00:16:18,244 --> 00:16:20,111
Honey, return that baby!
340
00:16:20,113 --> 00:16:23,915
We're one-half owner
of an old orange truck!
341
00:16:24,718 --> 00:16:28,119
Klaaaaaaus wiiiiins!
342
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:29,454
Klaus?
343
00:16:30,843 --> 00:16:32,056
That's right.
344
00:16:32,058 --> 00:16:33,457
It's me! Klaus!
345
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:37,128
The proud new owner of
a Klaus-orange hardbody.
346
00:16:37,130 --> 00:16:40,131
And I'll be doing celebratory
burnouts in my new old truck
347
00:16:40,133 --> 00:16:42,600
as soon as I find my
misplaced driving cane.
348
00:16:42,602 --> 00:16:44,068
Oh, I know where that cane is.
349
00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:46,404
Steve knows where it is!
350
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:52,944
M-m-m-m-my p-p-p-puffy
351
00:16:52,946 --> 00:16:55,747
p-pat... patagonia jacket saved me!
352
00:16:55,749 --> 00:16:57,415
Shh! You'll attract predators.
353
00:16:57,417 --> 00:17:01,019
How did you survive with such a,
no offense, flat jacket?
354
00:17:01,021 --> 00:17:05,289
I slowed my fall with this axe.
And that tree.
355
00:17:05,291 --> 00:17:06,558
Whoa!
356
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:08,226
They're gonna be looking for us.
357
00:17:08,228 --> 00:17:11,229
We need to build a signal tower. Here.
358
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:13,698
You're just whippin' axes
at me now, Jeff?
359
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,767
Is there anything you won't stoop to
360
00:17:15,769 --> 00:17:17,835
to keep me from beating
you at the championships?
361
00:17:17,837 --> 00:17:21,373
Stop it, Mr. S. There's not
gonna be a championship.
362
00:17:21,375 --> 00:17:23,507
Every other lumberjack is dead.
363
00:17:23,509 --> 00:17:25,509
Oh, my God.
364
00:17:25,511 --> 00:17:27,579
Guaranteed silver.
365
00:17:27,581 --> 00:17:29,447
Look, I know we're not a team anymore,
366
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,983
but we're gonna have to
work together to survive.
367
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:34,318
You start clearing
that tree for firewood.
368
00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:38,857
I'm gonna find my chainsaw
and get goin' on a signal tower.
369
00:17:40,126 --> 00:17:42,060
Wait, wait, wait! Don't start that saw!
370
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,813
Guess I'm not getting
my turbo booster back.
371
00:18:02,453 --> 00:18:05,749
And there goes my goddamn toast.
372
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,751
What the hell was that?
373
00:18:07,753 --> 00:18:09,754
Alright! Enough with the third degree!
374
00:18:09,756 --> 00:18:11,489
I sabotaged your saw!
375
00:18:11,491 --> 00:18:12,556
Why?
376
00:18:12,558 --> 00:18:14,092
Because I'm a cheater.
377
00:18:14,094 --> 00:18:16,360
A cheater cheater pumpkin eater.
378
00:18:16,362 --> 00:18:19,631
And I admit you're a
better lumberjack than me.
379
00:18:19,633 --> 00:18:21,365
I never cared about that.
380
00:18:21,367 --> 00:18:24,102
I just wanted to show you
I was good at something
381
00:18:24,104 --> 00:18:26,170
so you'd want to hang out with me.
382
00:18:26,172 --> 00:18:28,640
Jeff, you are good at something.
383
00:18:28,642 --> 00:18:30,508
You're an amazing lumberjack.
384
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:32,043
And if we make it out of here,
385
00:18:32,045 --> 00:18:35,046
I promise I'm going to
tell that to the world.
386
00:18:35,048 --> 00:18:36,114
Thanks.
387
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,915
But if you'll get out of my way,
388
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:40,118
I got a babe to get home to.
389
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:45,389
♪ Now, when I die, I will have seen ♪
390
00:18:45,391 --> 00:18:46,924
♪ The wonders of the sea ♪
391
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:48,660
♪ And I will have
climbed the mountains ♪
392
00:18:48,662 --> 00:18:51,129
♪ In the western coun-ter-y ♪
393
00:18:51,131 --> 00:18:54,732
♪ But most of all I won't forget
the wild and wondrous thing ♪
394
00:18:54,734 --> 00:18:58,336
♪ The falling of the timber
when it's early in the spring ♪
395
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:01,880
♪ Way, hey, another brand-new day ♪
396
00:19:01,915 --> 00:19:04,542
Look at him go, puffy patagonia.
397
00:19:04,544 --> 00:19:06,410
He might just save us yet.
398
00:19:06,412 --> 00:19:09,613
♪ Way, hey, another brand-new day ♪
399
00:19:11,285 --> 00:19:14,218
♪ On the wild and windy
shores of old super-i-ay ♪
400
00:19:14,220 --> 00:19:18,189
Huh. Jeff Fischer. The Stoner.
401
00:19:19,293 --> 00:19:24,696
_
402
00:19:26,833 --> 00:19:29,834
Well, Pat, we both know
I can't let Jeff save us.
403
00:19:29,836 --> 00:19:31,703
Whoa!
Is that a signal flare in your pocket
404
00:19:31,705 --> 00:19:33,104
or are you just happy to see me?
405
00:19:33,106 --> 00:19:36,040
Ha ha ha! Cut it out, Pat.
This is serious.
406
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:42,113
New plan, Jeff! No signal tower!
407
00:19:44,518 --> 00:19:45,984
Oops. Too low.
408
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,288
Catch him, Pat!
409
00:19:52,526 --> 00:19:54,192
There's the wreck.
410
00:19:54,194 --> 00:19:56,194
Dibs on any unmelted credit cards.
411
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:58,730
Gold fillings for me again? Ohh.
412
00:19:58,732 --> 00:20:01,265
Hand me my pliers, will ya?
413
00:20:03,469 --> 00:20:07,671
So, after I got a fire blazing
to warm Jeff's weak body,
414
00:20:07,673 --> 00:20:09,140
I built a signal tower.
415
00:20:09,142 --> 00:20:11,475
Of course, of course. So heroic.
416
00:20:11,477 --> 00:20:13,077
Then, just as I finished,
417
00:20:13,079 --> 00:20:15,012
I saw Jeff messin' with a flare gun.
418
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:16,548
Kablooey. Flare went off
419
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:18,883
and Jeff burned down all my hard work.
420
00:20:18,885 --> 00:20:20,352
Does this look about right?
421
00:20:21,755 --> 00:20:25,023
Usually you can see the outline
of my manhood through my pants.
422
00:20:25,025 --> 00:20:26,958
Mind e-mailing me a second draft?
423
00:20:27,742 --> 00:20:30,027
He's waking up.
Maybe I can get a statement.
424
00:20:30,029 --> 00:20:31,363
Leave him alone, you vulture!
425
00:20:31,365 --> 00:20:33,698
Is there nothing you
won't do for a headline?!
426
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:36,701
Jeff, you're okay! Thank God.
427
00:20:36,703 --> 00:20:38,903
Listen. Hayley was right about you.
428
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,105
I was crazy to think you're worthless.
429
00:20:41,107 --> 00:20:43,775
And from now on,
I want to hang out more.
430
00:20:43,777 --> 00:20:46,778
Much more. Maybe even twice a year.
431
00:20:46,780 --> 00:20:49,513
What do you say to that... Son?
432
00:20:49,515 --> 00:20:51,315
I say...
433
00:20:51,317 --> 00:20:53,652
[BLEEP] you, Mr. S.
434
00:20:55,144 --> 00:20:57,414
_
435
00:20:58,392 --> 00:21:00,191
Bye! Have a great time!
436
00:21:02,005 --> 00:21:03,745
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