All language subtitles for iCarly s01e02 iHate Carly.eng

- I'm really glad we're doing
this show again.

When we started,
we were just kids having fun,

but now we can make
a real impact.

You know, push culture forward.

- Can you help me
take this off?

- Yeah.

There we go.

Wow, you're already getting
a ton of likes

on your bunny makeup tutorial.

- I'm not doing this for likes.

I'm doing this
to connect with people.

To lift up, to inspire.

It's not about me.

But what are
they saying about me?

- "Fire," "Straight fire,"
"That's lit,"

"I love fire,"
"Burn everything"...wait.

- Are there any
that aren't about fire?

- Yeah, here's one,
but you know what?

I'm not gonna read it.

- What is it? Just tell me.

- Don't freak out, but it looks
like your hater is back.

- iHateCarly57.

- There's always
gonna be haters

that try to tear you down,

but you know
what I say to them?

I say,
"Mom, I'm doing my best!"

- I can handle the haters.

I've had haters since I was 12.

But this person is relentless.

They make fun of what I wear,
what I eat, what I drink.

I'm starting
to second-guess everything.

Do you think my walk is funny?

- For a bunny or a person?

- And the worst part is,

at the end
of all of their comments,

they say, "Do better."

- Ugh.
- It's like, "Do better?

How about you do better?"

- At least
they're not threatening

to break into your bedroom

and braid your hair
like that other weirdo.

- Yeah, but in all fairness,
that hair braiding Instagram

is, quite frankly, spectacular.

- Ooh, y'all doing,
like, a furry thing?

- Yep.
- No.

- Don't worry, I'm not here

to kink-shame your fursona.

- Hey, aren't you supposed
to be on a brunch date?

- Oh, no, I didn't go.
He gave me the ick.

- What's the ick?
- The ultimate turn-off.

You can be
totally into someone,

then you see one
bad improv show...

- Or they're
way too into theme parks.

- Or fiscal irresponsibility.

- Listen to us.
We sound awful.

There's just too much
negativity in the world.

Which is why I'm going
to respond

to this iHateCarly57 person

with love and light.

- Love and light?

I'm more of a block
and report guy myself.

- I'm going to embrace them,

not physically,
but spiritually.

Their profile picture's
the Space Needle,

so they're local.

Maybe we'll even meet up.

- Yeah, nice afternoon
at the farmers' market,

picking out artisanal jam

with someone
who can't stand you.

[phone dings]

- Oh, they already replied.

With "Do better."

To my olive branch.

Oh, I'll do better.

I'll lodge that branch
so far up--

- Ah, yes, love and light.

- "Skybucks, today, 2:00 p.m.

"Be there.

"Unless it's inconvenient
for you,

in which case
we can reschedule."

- ♪ I know you see

♪ Somehow the world
will change for me ♪

[together]
♪ And be so wonderful

- ♪ So wake up the members
of my nation ♪

[together]
♪ It's your time to be

- ♪ There's no chance
unless you take one ♪

♪ And the time to see
the brighter side ♪

♪ Of every situation

♪ Some things
are meant to be ♪

♪ So give me your best
and leave the rest to me ♪

[upbeat music]

- All right, I've got eyes
on the entrance.

- Why are you talking
into your sleeve?

- Why are you wearing
a fake mustache?

- I like the mystery.

- You seem really excited
to just be at a coffee place.

- Yeah, because I can't wait
to meet the person

who always tells you
to, "Do better."

So good.

- It could be
any of these people.

- Don't worry,
any sign of trouble,

I brought a taser
and some pepper spray.

- That definitely won't
be necessary.

We're just gonna talk.

I'm gonna go around
and look for him.

Remember, be inconspicuous.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, I got eyes on a suspect.

- Oh, she's shady.
- Let's take her down.

- Hey, Harper, have you seen
anyone acting suspicious.

- Yeah, those two
MENSA candidates.

You know, on the one hand,
I'm annoyed

that you're doing this
at my place of work.

But on the other hand,
thank you

for giving me a front row seat

to something that is sure
to be a total disaster.

I'm here for you,

Oh, but that guy's
a good tipper. Bye.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God,

It's Nora Dershlit.

- Who's Nora Dershlit?
- She's a lunatic!

She kidnapped us and locked us
in our basement twice.

Freddie made out with her.

- Nah, she kissed me.

I was an innocent bystander.

- I will not call her Mom.

- Carly?
[gasps]

- Leave it to me!

Aha!
[grunts]

Ahh, tingles!

- Oh, I thought that was you.

Hey, Fredward.

Love the flavor saver.

- I should have guessed
you were iHateCarly57.

- What?

I don't hate you.
I think you're great.

But not in a creepy, stalky,
"gonna lock you up

and keep you as my
personal prisoner" kind of way.

That was old Nora.
New Nora is in a good place.

New Nora really worked
on herself.

- Ahh!

Say hello
to Señor Pepper Spray!

Ahh!

Don't worry!

The salt will neutralize
the pepper spray!

Oh, God, I was so wrong!

- Whoa, whoa, hey, hey,
right here, right here!

- Your friends have to leave!

- They're not my friends!
I don't know these people.

- Sorry, Harper.

- Lucky guess.

- Can I have
a banana nut muffin to go?

- Sure. You got the last one.

- Oh, I was gonna
order the same.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

You know what?
You take it.

- Oh, I can't take
your banana nut muffin.

- No, really, take it.

And you can have my coffee too.

And I think I might have
some almonds in my purse.

- That's really nice of you,
but I'm good.

- Well, at least
we can share it.

Here.

- Wow, maybe we could share
a table too?

- I really shouldn't be
flirting right now.

I'm kind of on a mission.

- Sounds serious.
- It is.

I'm trying to find some jerk

who keeps posting mean things
about me online.

- Why would somebody post
mean stuff about you?

- It's dumb.

I'm Carly of "iCarly."

I have a channel online.

Have you heard of the Internet?

- Oh, you mean the place
where I compulsively look

at real estate
and convince myself

that I have
every disease imaginable?

Yes, I'm familiar.

I'm Justin.

Maybe I can help you
find this jerk.

- Excuse me, has anyone
seen a mustache?

Oh, here it is.

I really hope
this is my mustache.

- It's definitely that guy.
- Oh, no, that's Freddie.

Hey, would you want
to hang out sometime

when my weird friends
aren't there?

- Yeah, I'd like that.
- Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Okay, here.

If you could just
put your number in my phone.

- Carly? Come on!

We're taking Spencer
to the emergency room,

and you need to talk him
out of driving.

Let's go.
- I'll call you.

- Okay.

- How's the muffin?

- Do better.

[upbeat music]

- I followed every lead.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

- Yeah, why do we have
so much red yarn?

- Have you ever seen
an HBO drama, Harper?

This is how they catch people.

Lookee here, Nora.

Why were you
at the coffee shop, huh, Nora?

They're always low on oat milk.

- Yeah, that's 'cause
I steal it for you.

Is that a passport photo
of Muffin Man?

Why are you putting
him up there?

- He brightens up the place.

- Your stalker game,
c'est magnifique.

- It's not stalking.

It's research
for our date tonight.

You want to see a satellite
picture of his back yard?

- Oh, is that a hot tub?

Okay, I'm good with him.

You know, my sciatica.

- Plus, he's never
even seen "iCarly."

So he has no preconceived
notions about how amazing I am.

He gets to discover it.

- Okay.

Well, just look out
for the ick.

- Is anyone home?
- Yeah, we're right here.

- Ah, I still can't see!

- Too bad. I'm super naked.

- No, you're not. I'd know.

Being without sight has
heightened my other senses.

I'm completely in tune
with my surroundings.

Did you rearrange
the furniture?

Don't say a word.

I'm honing my sensory skills,

and I need to do this
on my own.

Hello, Millicent.

- It's Freddie.

- [whispering]
Is Harper naked?

Now, who wants to help guide me
until my sight returns?

- Oh, not it.
- Can't. Got a date.

- Thanks for volunteering.
- I didn't.

- No, I could sense
that you did.

After all,
I gave you seed money

for your first start-up.

- [groans]
Fine, I'll help you.

- Thank you.

Now, can you
describe the sunset?

- Well, the sun is just
touching the horizon,

and as it sinks further,
the bright, hot gold

gently fades
to a warm, soothing pink.

- You don't truly appreciate

the miracles that happen
every day

till they're taken away.

- Mm.

- Now help me pee.

♪

- Well, right now, I'm working
on my passion project,

designing this new shelter for
kids experiencing homelessness.

But usually I work
on more corporate stuff.

Like this chain
of taco restaurants

where I can now eat free
for life.

- Okay, what's
the guac situation?

If you say endless,
you're perfect.

- That's very sweet,
but I'm not.

I'm far from it.

A long time ago,
I had a big disappointment,

and I took it really hard.

You would not have wanted
to know me then.

But it drove me to be
the person that I am today.

- What happened?

- Oh, there was this girl once
that kind of broke my heart.

- She sounds terrible.

- I thought so too for a while,

but she's actually
pretty great.

- Okay, now I'm getting
a little jealous.

[both laugh]

So how's your paella?

- Mine's delicious.

- Nora?

- Hi, guys.

What a coincidence.

Oh, I love this place.

It's so romantic.

- Are you here with anybody?
- No.

Should I join you?
[squeals]

[chair scraping rhythmically]

I wish they had a guy
who played violin here.

Oh, I'll just do it.

[singing like a violin]

♪

- And that's why a Roth IRA
is a better option for you

than a 401[k].

- Wow.

I never really knew
anything about money.

Other than having a lot of it.

- As promised,
all of the dinner rolls.

- Oh, I take it
that the date went well?

No ick?

- Not with Justin.

He has such positive energy.

It's just contagious.

Nothing can bring me down.

[phone dings]

Ugh. It's iHateCarly57.

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

They just posted
something nice about me.

- Aww.
- Such a betrayal.

- Things are looking up.

I met a great guy,
and I'm so talented,

my nemesis did a 180.

I should write
a self-help book called,

"If You're Just Nice to People,
They'll Eventually Like You

Because Deep Down,
All Humans Are Good at Heart."

I'll come up
with a better title.

- Okay, everybody,
let's Merengue March.

- Oh, there is nothing like
working up a sweat to Zumba.

It's not a workout,
it's a party!

Hold me tighter
so I don't lose balance.

- I'm trying.

Your sweat's
making you slippery.

- I call that Zumba Juice.
- Oh.

- Cumbia Crawl!

- This is not I imagined
my life going.

- Reggaeton Rump-shaker.

- All right, help me
shake my rump.

- Nah. Nah, I'm taking a break.

- Al right, fine. Take a beat.

Hey, maybe go pick up
my dry cleaning?

- Are you sure
you still can't see?

- Not a thing.
I'm sure it'll come back soon.

You know, you're a good friend
for doing all this, Freddie.

- I'll go get
your dry cleaning.

- Thanks. Whew!

Ooh.

Okay.

A seven letter word
for divine occurrence.

Hmm...

- Forgot
the dry-cleaner ticket.

- I can see!

It's a miracle!
That's seven letters.

- I can't believe you used me.
We merengued.

- Okay, I'm sorry.
My sight came back earlier.

- Oh, that's great, cause now
you can see me kill you.

- Oh, come on, you can't say
you didn't enjoy it.

We got to be so close.

- Yeah, close enough to get pee
on my shoes.

- And no one can take that
away from us.

- Welcome to Chez Carly.

This is the dining room,
and this is the living room,

and this is my murder board.

That I forgot
I had your picture on.

I can explain that.

- Actually, maybe I should be
the one to explain

Um...
- Wait, wait, wait.

Okay, so you're not
into bunnies.

No biggie.

You don't have to leave.
- I'm sorry, Harper.

I really like you.

You're smart, fun,
interesting, beautiful,

but I got the ick.

- Fair.

Live by the ick,
die by the ick.

Sup, y'all?

- Um--
- Hey, Carly.

I know you're feeling down
about your hater,

but look at this way.

Your work provoked a reaction.

I wish I had a hater.

That's the true sign
of success.

- Oh, Justin, this is
Freddie's daughter, Millicent.

She secretly worships me.
- False.

- It's nice to meet you.

Uh, is there some place
that I can go P-E-E?

- I can spell, you weirdo.

- Yeah, just right
through there.

- Okay.

- Let's play a game.
It's called "Go Away."

- No, reading these
old comments about you

is way more fun.

"Is it a rash?

No, it's iCarly. Do better."

Wow, really great stuff.

Like.
[phone dings]

"DB, not worth my time
to put 'do better.'"

Gotta smash that like button.

[phone dings]
Like.

- Wait, do you hear that?

- Like.
[phone dings]

I'm just gonna like them all.

Like. Like. Like.
[phone dinging]

Like. Like. Like.

- Why is Justin's phone going
off every time you hit like?

Unless he's...

both: iHateCarly57.

- Justin is iHateCarly57.

What are we gonna do?

He could murder us right
in front of my murder board.

- Not us.
He's not iHateMillicent57.

- Oh, you think he's gonna
wanna leave any witnesses?

- All right, we need to take
this guy down.

I know capoeira.

[yells]

- That's just dancing.

- But you stopped and watched.

- Harper!
- What?

I was listening
to my rejection playlist.

- Justin is iHateCarly57,
and he's in our apartment.

- Oh.

Well, good thing
Millicent's here.

She knows capoeira.

- This is not a dance-off!
Get over here.

Okay, here's the plan.

When he gets out here,
we're gonna Michelle Obama him.

You go low, I'll go high.

- Hi.
[all scream]

- I know who you are!

Stay back, or the girl will
dance toward you!

- I don't want to die
in a bunny suit.

- I'm not gonna hurt anybody.

- I know you're my hater.

- Carly, I'm sorry.
I can explain.

- Come on, Millicent.
Help me tie him up.

- That seems like
a waste of good yarn.

- After we met, I realized
how wrong I had been about you.

- You lied about
seeing the show.

And you lied about being
iHateCarly57.

Was anything you said true?

What about the homeless kids?
Or the tacos?

- No, no, Carly, I swear,

everything since we met
has been real.

- Then why do you hate me?

- I don't. I mean, I did.

Look, when I was 11,
my dream was to be on "iCarly."

I loved how you showcased
other people's talents,

so I sent you a video,
and you never played it.

And I've held a grudge
ever since.

- "iCarly" was pretty big.

We were, like,
the only web show.

We had thousands
of submissions.

And Freddie tended to weed out
the cute guys.

- Look, it hurt then.

But meeting you in person,
I got over it.

And if you think about it,
it's kind of a funny story

of how we met, right?

It's a hate-cute.

- I'm sorry, Justin,
but it's just all too much.

Also, I wish I hadn't
apologized just then.

I need to work on that.

Now get out of here!

You were right
about one thing though.

I can "do better."

- Ooh!

- Flipped it, reversed it,

never once rehearsed it.

[upbeat music]

♪

- I can't wait
to get together tonight.

It was so great meeting you
at the eye wash station

at the emergency room.

But I was thinking,

sure, we could go to some
fancy restaurant

and put on a dating persona,

but I'm just not into
all that artifice.

You know, I want you
to get to know the real me.

Yeah, I was thinking we could
hang at my place tonight.

You know, my eyesight is back,

so I'm really looking forward
to actually seeing you.

[laughs]
Okay, I'll see you later.

Buh-bye.

What is this--oh!

No.

No!

Oh, I've done it again!

- [sighs]
- Uh-oh.

I know what that sigh means.

- No, you don't.
- You miss Justin.

- Oh, then yeah,
you totally do.

- You want to keep dating him?
- Why not?

I mean, let's face it,

he still hasn't given me
the ick.

And I'm no better than him
if I hold this against him.

Life's too short
to hold a grudge.

- And yet you won't forgive me
for that leggings incident.

- You didn't tell me you could
see my whole butt through 'em.

- I thought that's why
you bought them!

- Ugh.

I just wish
I could go back in time

and tell 13-year-old me

to put Justin on the show.

Wait a minute.

I can tell 26-year-old me
to do it.

And she just agreed.

- Freddie! Freddie?
- No.

- Wha--come on.

I just want to tell you
I love you, man, that's all.

Also, I blinded myself again,
and I need you to be my eyes

on a date tonight
with a gorgeous woman

who just might be my soul mate,

but it's hard to tell
because we only talked

for five minutes
at the emergency room.

But I'm a romantic.

We'll see
where the night takes us.

- You expect me
to fall for this again?

- Yeah--no, there's nothing
to fall for.

I really can't see.

She's gonna be here any minute.

- Think fast.
- Oh!

- You might be
telling the truth.

- That's my fault.
I deserve it.

Can you help me up?
Oh, thank you.

Now, listen,
this is embarrassing,

but I have forgotten
hot eye wash lady's name.

All I need you to do
is pretend to be my butler,

dig through her purse, and look
at her driver's license.

Your hands are really soft.

You're not Freddie, are you?

Oh!

I remember now. It's Sarah.

Sarah, hi.
What a funny--

[sighs]
Are you there?

- Thank you so much
for doing this.

- I believe in second chances.

I let Millicent
cut my hair twice.

- I know it's no excuse,
but part of the reason

why it hurt so bad
when you rejected my video

is 'cause this piece
is really personal to me.

- Well I'm honored that
you're sharing it with me.

Is the camera ready, Freddie?

- I literally
just press record.

In five, four, three, two...

- Welcome back to "iCarly,"

where today, we have
a really special guest.

Justin has had this prepared
for a long time

and is finally
going to bare his soul.

- We stan this vulnerability.

- This is a poem that I wrote

during a really difficult
period of my life.

- Well, thanks so much
for doing it on the show--

- Third period.

[snapping]

Homework.

The bane of my exis...

tence.

Pudding cups.

Reward for my persis...

tence.

Biology.

Number one.

Frustration.

Hangry.

Tater tots are my salvation.

Prisoner of school.

Life.

Shh.

- Oh...
- My...

- Ick.

[dance music]

- Maybe "RuPaul's Drag Race"
can be my boyfriend.

- [laughs]

- [grunting]

Oh. Hey.

What are you doing here?
[laughs]

- I live here.
What are you doing here?

- Oh, you know,
I was just scaling the side

of the building and noticed
your window was open, so boop.

[laughs]

- You scaled the building?
- Please don't tell my parents.

They think
I'm at Cold Stone Creamery.

- You still live
with your parents?

That's so...normal.

- I'm sorry.

I hadn't thought
of you guys in ages,

but then I got a taste
at the coffee shop

and ten years of therapy
flew right out the window.

- Look, I'm really sorry
to hear that, Nora,

but you need to go.

- [groans]

Can I use your front door?
- Yes.

- And can I take this?
- No.

- Can I take this?
- No.

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