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Nana was a suffragette
Never thought to fail
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Nana was a suffragette
3
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Spent the night in jail
4
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Singing, "Votes for women
Is just a beginning
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"You haven't seen anything yet"
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Oh, Nana was a suffragette.
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I'll have a three-inch oval, Thomas,
if I may.
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A three-inch...?
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00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,600
A nail. A nail.
10
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Oh, yes, of course. A nail.
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00:00:38,120 --> 00:00:42,080
Goodness knows what the ladies are
going to put on this stage tonight.
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00:00:42,120 --> 00:00:44,760
I offered Mrs Unwin my ever-popular
13
00:00:44,800 --> 00:00:48,880
Death Of Nancy At The Hands
Of Bill Sikes from Oliver Twist.
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00:00:48,920 --> 00:00:53,280
I do it to great acclaim
every year at the ham-dram.
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00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,880
What did she say? No.
16
00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,440
Why's that?
17
00:00:56,480 --> 00:01:01,080
Apparently it wasn't appropriate
for the suffrage panto.
18
00:01:01,120 --> 00:01:03,360
I'll have the ball pein now.
19
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:08,160
I'm sorry to hear that!
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The ball pein, the ball pein.
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It's a type of hammer.
22
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Oh, yes!
23
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:15,800
Oh, it must be in the kitchen.
24
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I shall fetch it for you.
25
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What exactly would I be looking for?
26
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I'll come with you. What do they
teach you at that paying school?
27
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I'm here! I'm here!
28
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,560
Oh! Nobody's here.
29
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I'm here, Helen!
30
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Oh, yes. I meant...somebody.
You know...somebody!
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Oh, I see, yes, yes, I see.
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Oh, should I leave until...?
33
00:01:39,680 --> 00:01:42,040
No, no need, Gwen.
What are you doing?
34
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I'm knitting Joan of Arc
for the suffrage panto.
35
00:01:46,880 --> 00:01:49,960
Yes, I am profoundly regretting
allowing Margaret
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00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:53,680
to stage this "suffrage panto"
she's supposed to be writing.
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00:01:53,720 --> 00:01:57,800
My irritation is compounded
by the over-excitement of Emily
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at playing the role of Joan of Arc.
39
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En garde, vous English dogs!
40
00:02:02,320 --> 00:02:04,600
Ooh, hello! Ooh!
41
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:07,520
Is this a real sword?
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Ooh, yes. No. I borrowed it
from Mrs Trenneman next door.
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She keeps it by the bed.
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In case of burglars?
45
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No. In case her husband
ever comes back.
46
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En garde vous English spaniel!
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00:02:19,600 --> 00:02:21,360
Emily, please wave that
somewhere else!
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00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:24,960
I agreed to sell the tickets
on the basis
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that half the moneys would go
to the Bute Fund for Confused Dogs.
50
00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:30,040
But every time I ask Margaret
51
00:02:30,080 --> 00:02:32,920
to see a script, she scurries
away, mumbling to herself.
52
00:02:32,960 --> 00:02:35,120
She has been in a bit of
a downward dollop lately.
53
00:02:35,160 --> 00:02:37,280
Really? Yes, very discomfuffled.
54
00:02:37,320 --> 00:02:39,440
What with Cedric away
at boarding school
55
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and Mr Osbert in his study
day and night.
56
00:02:41,640 --> 00:02:43,840
Well, that's none of our business.
57
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:46,560
You mean she's not
seeing him at all?
58
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,680
He's been in there for a month,
apparently.
59
00:02:48,720 --> 00:02:52,000
The closest she gets is overseeing
the maid handle his night soil.
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00:02:52,040 --> 00:02:56,200
Frankly, I'd rather handle that
than handle the husband.
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00:02:56,240 --> 00:02:58,600
En garde, vous English hounds!
62
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Emily, calm down!
You'll sprain something.
63
00:03:01,600 --> 00:03:04,920
Have we started rehearsals? Gwen,
have you finished the costumes yet?
64
00:03:04,960 --> 00:03:09,400
Er, well, yes, no, well, nearly.
Mrs Von Heckling, yours is done.
65
00:03:09,440 --> 00:03:11,160
Oooh!
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00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:13,160
It's Mother's old bedspread.
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00:03:13,200 --> 00:03:15,120
Oh.
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00:03:16,640 --> 00:03:19,480
Yes, it's just that Joan has
taken up most of my time.
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00:03:19,520 --> 00:03:23,440
I've created an optional pyre which
can be attached to the costume
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00:03:23,480 --> 00:03:26,520
should Margaret want her to burn
at the stake as part of the action.
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00:03:26,560 --> 00:03:28,600
She did mention
she might write that in.
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00:03:29,840 --> 00:03:31,840
Ta-dah!
73
00:03:31,880 --> 00:03:34,280
What on earth are you supposed
to be, Mother?
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00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,760
Apart from an eternal
embarrassment?
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00:03:36,800 --> 00:03:42,920
I am the Ancient Greek poetess
Sappho, of the Isle of Lesbos.
76
00:03:44,360 --> 00:03:51,440
Tonight I watched the moon
and then Pleiades go down.
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The night is now half gone.
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00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,720
Youth goes.
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I am in bed...alone.
80
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:03,000
Oh, Mrs Von Heckling.
81
00:04:03,040 --> 00:04:06,320
And am I still Judith and
Holofernes, whoever they are?
82
00:04:06,360 --> 00:04:10,800
Judith was an Old Testament heroine
who beheaded General Holofernes
83
00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:14,040
because she was brilliant
and he was a beast!
84
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:15,360
This is him.
85
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SHE GASPS
No! No, I'm not touching that.
86
00:04:18,960 --> 00:04:22,640
Oh, Eva, it's only a swede
with a dab of pig's blood.
87
00:04:24,400 --> 00:04:27,760
Hello, Thomas.
I have Joan of Arc's sword.
88
00:04:27,800 --> 00:04:30,920
Goodness, Emily, you are quite
convincing as the warrior saint.
89
00:04:30,960 --> 00:04:32,840
D'you think? Indeed.
90
00:04:32,880 --> 00:04:34,520
Would you like a go?
91
00:04:45,320 --> 00:04:47,640
What strong wrists
Joan must have had.
92
00:04:48,880 --> 00:04:52,080
Certainly she did not suffer
from hereditary ganglions!
93
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:55,880
Oh, Margaret, you're here!
Thank goodness!
94
00:04:55,920 --> 00:04:59,560
Yes, yes, I come with great...
great news.
95
00:04:59,600 --> 00:05:02,320
You have a script?
Well, what I have is news.
96
00:05:02,360 --> 00:05:04,320
Wonderful news. Yes?
97
00:05:04,360 --> 00:05:08,560
I learnt today that a halt has been
called on all suffrage action.
98
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:11,440
Why? A new conciliation bill.
99
00:05:11,480 --> 00:05:13,320
Parliament has all but promised
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00:05:13,360 --> 00:05:15,720
one million land-owning women
the vote.
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THEY GASP
102
00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,440
We've got the vote?
No, no, not strictly speaking.
103
00:05:21,480 --> 00:05:24,280
But we most surely will.
It's a formality at this point.
104
00:05:24,320 --> 00:05:26,080
The Home Secretary
has given his word.
105
00:05:26,120 --> 00:05:29,320
And a politician's word is his bond!
106
00:05:29,360 --> 00:05:30,720
Exactly, Frank.
107
00:05:30,760 --> 00:05:34,280
How incredible to imagine that soon
millions of women will be...
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One million.
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00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:39,120
One millions of women will
be pouring into polling stations,
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00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:41,960
shoulder to shoulder,
and not just with other women.
111
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,200
But with men!
112
00:05:44,240 --> 00:05:46,080
How revolting!
113
00:05:46,120 --> 00:05:49,720
So does this mean that my Justina,
Ernestina, Constance, Clemence,
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00:05:49,760 --> 00:05:51,240
Charity, Chastity, Liberty,
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00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,800
Virginity, Abstinence,
Moderation, Patience,
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00:05:53,840 --> 00:05:56,920
Providence, Prudence and Suffrage
will all be able to vote?
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Yes!
118
00:05:58,200 --> 00:06:00,040
Oh! What about John?
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00:06:00,080 --> 00:06:01,960
What about John?
120
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,600
Will he be able to vote?
Well, he can already vote, Eva.
121
00:06:04,640 --> 00:06:06,760
But he's three.
122
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:10,560
And it is for this reason
and this reason alone
123
00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:13,200
that we won't be doing
the suffrage panto.
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00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:17,040
In solidarity with our fellow
suffragettes in London.
125
00:06:17,080 --> 00:06:19,480
But it's tonight!
I've sold all the tickets.
126
00:06:19,520 --> 00:06:20,640
I am Sappho.
127
00:06:20,680 --> 00:06:22,840
And I've got a sword
and Gwen's made a pyre.
128
00:06:22,880 --> 00:06:25,600
I don't mind really either way.
129
00:06:25,640 --> 00:06:29,040
I could still do my Death Of
Nancy At The Hands Of Bill Sikes
130
00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:30,440
from Oliver Twist.
131
00:06:30,480 --> 00:06:32,160
Oh, yes! No, thank you, Frank.
132
00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:34,680
Unnecessary and somewhat
inappropriate.
133
00:06:34,720 --> 00:06:36,280
Margaret, I couldn't care less
134
00:06:36,320 --> 00:06:39,280
about disappointing a braying mob
of pantophiles,
135
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:43,040
but I refuse to let down
the confused dogs of Banbury.
136
00:06:43,080 --> 00:06:47,400
Well, when the audience arrive,
we'll just explain to them.
137
00:06:47,440 --> 00:06:50,400
I'm highly suspicious
of your enthusiasm
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00:06:50,440 --> 00:06:52,480
for this Conciliation Bill,
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00:06:52,520 --> 00:06:53,800
which has been rejected.
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00:06:55,280 --> 00:06:58,880
How do you know? It was in the
very small print of the newspaper,
141
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:02,080
which I make a point of reading
with my magnifying lorgnette.
142
00:07:03,600 --> 00:07:05,400
I put it to you, Margaret Unwin,
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00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,920
that you are using
this Conciliation Bill
144
00:07:07,960 --> 00:07:10,960
to cover up for the fact
that you have not yet written
145
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:12,080
the suffrage panto.
146
00:07:12,120 --> 00:07:14,680
But Margaret has written the panto,
haven't you, Margaret?
147
00:07:14,720 --> 00:07:15,920
If you haven't, that's fine,
148
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,400
but you have, haven't you? Have you?
149
00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:21,080
Haven't you? Of course she has!
Hasn't she?
150
00:07:21,120 --> 00:07:23,160
She has! Oh, yes. Have you?
151
00:07:23,200 --> 00:07:25,800
Tell us you have! Yes, all right!
152
00:07:25,840 --> 00:07:27,680
All right, Helen.
153
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,240
I haven't written it!
154
00:07:30,440 --> 00:07:31,840
I rest my case.
155
00:07:31,880 --> 00:07:33,600
Oh, never mind, Margaret.
156
00:07:33,640 --> 00:07:36,560
Oh, it's shambolic.
I'm so ashamed.
157
00:07:36,600 --> 00:07:39,840
The truth is, I did write
a script, and then I burnt it!
158
00:07:39,880 --> 00:07:43,720
Goodness, Margaret! Whatever for?
Did you not have any kindling?
159
00:07:45,520 --> 00:07:47,320
I left a copy outside Osbert's study
160
00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,880
in the hope that he might
glance through it.
161
00:07:49,920 --> 00:07:51,880
When I returned, in the morning,
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00:07:51,920 --> 00:07:54,760
I found this propped up
against his night soil.
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00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,960
The first two pages address
grammatical syntax errors
164
00:08:01,000 --> 00:08:02,920
and then he goes on to say,
165
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:05,800
"The writer's derivative,
shoddy Latin verse
166
00:08:05,840 --> 00:08:08,280
"disguises none of
the crippling mediocrity
167
00:08:08,320 --> 00:08:11,160
"at the heart of
this Tuppenny Gaiety.
168
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:13,600
"Disjointed, ill-conceived drivel.
169
00:08:13,640 --> 00:08:16,120
"Respectfully,
your husband, Osbert."
170
00:08:16,160 --> 00:08:18,800
"PS - Have we changed butchers,
171
00:08:18,840 --> 00:08:22,240
"as my sausages
seem fatter than usual?"
172
00:08:22,280 --> 00:08:25,600
And he was right.
My pantomime was awful.
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00:08:25,640 --> 00:08:28,200
Oh, I'm sure it wasn't. It was!
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00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,520
Oh, no, it wasn't! Oh, yes, it was!
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ALL: Oh, no, it wasn't!
Yes, it was!
176
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:37,600
I'm sure Mr Osbert didn't mean
to be mean, Margaret.
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00:08:37,640 --> 00:08:40,000
Have you changed butchers?
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00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:42,480
Margaret...?
He wasn't being mean, Gwen.
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00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:45,240
He's just an undiscovered genius.
He's quite sure of that.
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00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:46,440
Margaret...?
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00:08:46,480 --> 00:08:48,600
I can still be Sappho.
182
00:08:48,640 --> 00:08:49,760
No, you cannot!
183
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,080
Margaret...I've got a script.
184
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:54,000
Have you? Well, yes.
185
00:08:54,040 --> 00:08:56,160
It's just a bit of fun
I wrote for the children.
186
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,440
Yes, yes, not quite what we need.
187
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:01,520
But it's better than the charred
remains of your...tuppeny huppeny.
188
00:09:02,720 --> 00:09:04,280
What's it about, Eva?
189
00:09:04,320 --> 00:09:07,240
I don't think we need to ask.
It won't be right. How do you know?
190
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,120
I'm sure a play about tiggy
pumpkins and wibbly kittens
191
00:09:10,160 --> 00:09:11,480
will not be appropriate.
192
00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:14,080
Oh, is it about tiggly kittens
and piggy pumpkins, Eva?
193
00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:17,200
No, it's about a princess.
194
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,880
Ooh! Do tell us more, Eva.
195
00:09:19,920 --> 00:09:24,960
Well, it's about a princess
who nobody knows is a princess.
196
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,960
I think we'll need
a little more than that, Eva.
197
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,480
Nobody knows she's a princess
because she's an orphan
198
00:09:30,520 --> 00:09:33,240
that's been forced to work as
a scullery maid in a big house.
199
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,440
Oh, Eva, that's wonderful!
200
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:37,720
Really? Have you written
any of this down?
201
00:09:37,760 --> 00:09:41,520
Well, yes, I've got a script
with me, as a matter of fact.
202
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:46,040
Oh, well done, Eva!
Congratulations, Eva. A script.
203
00:09:46,080 --> 00:09:48,320
How clever of you!
Don't you think, Margaret?
204
00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:53,600
I hope there aren't too many words
to learn. Words make my teeth hurt!
205
00:09:53,640 --> 00:09:56,600
No, no. The princess has
got most of the lines,
206
00:09:56,640 --> 00:09:59,000
and I know them off
by heart already.
207
00:09:59,040 --> 00:10:03,560
You can always read off the page
like we do at the am-dram ham-dram.
208
00:10:03,600 --> 00:10:08,880
Just bring it to life with hand
acting - or "hacting" as we call it.
209
00:10:08,920 --> 00:10:13,920
For example, if you're performing
a line such as "I think I will!"
210
00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,120
there's a gesture that goes
with it. Like this -
211
00:10:17,160 --> 00:10:19,440
"I think I will!"
212
00:10:19,480 --> 00:10:22,000
ALL: I think I will!
213
00:10:22,040 --> 00:10:23,440
I think I will!
214
00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,560
Ooh, that's very good, Thomas.
You're a natural!
215
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,920
I think I will!
Goodness, yes, that's... Goodness!
216
00:10:28,960 --> 00:10:32,640
I was fortunate enough
to see the late, great actor
217
00:10:32,680 --> 00:10:34,400
Leonard Hevescleaver
218
00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:37,960
finger his way through
The Merry Wives of Windsor.
219
00:10:42,040 --> 00:10:44,880
Myrtle, you could play
the wicked aunt.
220
00:10:44,920 --> 00:10:47,320
Is she an alluring femme fatale?
221
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,880
No, she's the wicked aunt.
222
00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:51,680
No, thank you!
223
00:10:51,720 --> 00:10:55,200
Are there any suffragettes
in this play, Eva?
224
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,400
This is a suffrage panto, after all.
225
00:10:57,440 --> 00:10:59,200
Well, there are the ugly cousins.
226
00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:02,200
The ugly cousins?
What exactly is it about?
227
00:11:02,240 --> 00:11:03,680
The orphaned princess goes
228
00:11:03,720 --> 00:11:06,200
to live with her wicked aunt
and ugly cousins.
229
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,200
I thought they could be
the suffragettes.
230
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:09,600
Then I shall be one of those!
231
00:11:09,640 --> 00:11:11,560
Oh, can I be the other?
Yes, lovely!
232
00:11:11,600 --> 00:11:13,040
Yes, and then what happens?
233
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:16,080
The poor orphan princess,
who I'll play.
234
00:11:16,120 --> 00:11:17,800
Obviously!
235
00:11:17,840 --> 00:11:21,560
So the beautiful poor orphan
princess, me,
236
00:11:21,600 --> 00:11:24,320
is made to do all of the work
in the house.
237
00:11:24,360 --> 00:11:26,760
Oh, Eva, this is so clever
and brilliant!
238
00:11:26,800 --> 00:11:28,360
Yes, Eva, carry on.
239
00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,480
Is there a ball in a castle,
by any chance?
240
00:11:31,520 --> 00:11:33,760
Yes! Yes there is, Margaret!
241
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,880
And a prince looking for a bride.
Yes!
242
00:11:35,920 --> 00:11:38,520
Margaret, how did you know?
243
00:11:38,560 --> 00:11:42,520
Hmm! Frank, because
you've done the ham-dram,
244
00:11:42,560 --> 00:11:44,200
could you play the prince?
245
00:11:44,240 --> 00:11:46,280
Oh, no, not for me.
246
00:11:46,320 --> 00:11:47,960
Why not ask Thomas?
247
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,720
He's definitely got the finger!
248
00:11:49,760 --> 00:11:51,960
I think I will!
249
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:55,280
Yes, I suppose we could give him
a moustache,
250
00:11:55,320 --> 00:11:57,480
make him look more...like a man.
251
00:12:00,000 --> 00:12:02,920
Can none of you see?
We cannot perform this.
252
00:12:02,960 --> 00:12:06,560
It is a direct plagiarisation
of Cinderella.
253
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,800
A plagia-what? A plagiarisation.
254
00:12:08,840 --> 00:12:11,040
It means stealing
somebody else's idea.
255
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:14,800
I think somebody's jealous
because somebody's written a script
256
00:12:14,840 --> 00:12:16,040
and somebody else hasn't!
257
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:17,240
Who?
258
00:12:18,560 --> 00:12:20,080
I'm not jealous.
259
00:12:20,120 --> 00:12:22,080
If you don't want to take part,
then don't.
260
00:12:22,120 --> 00:12:24,240
I won't.
That's such a shame, Margaret,
261
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:27,080
cos I was thinking you'd make
a wonderful magical witch.
262
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,960
I don't want to play the fairy
godmother! It's the magical witch!
263
00:12:30,000 --> 00:12:33,320
The fairy godmother!
In this juvenile piece of theatre.
264
00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:34,440
What does juvenile mean?
265
00:12:34,480 --> 00:12:36,800
Childish...and I'll have
my costumes back.
266
00:12:36,840 --> 00:12:39,160
But why, Margaret?
267
00:12:39,200 --> 00:12:42,600
Cos I'm starting my own
breakaway production.
268
00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:44,440
Will it be a mime show?
269
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,480
No, it will be a...speculative,
incendiary,
270
00:12:47,520 --> 00:12:50,120
experimental, improvised,
probably in French.
271
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:54,040
Improvised?
Are you a Bolshevik, Margaret?
272
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:56,760
Don't be absurd, Helen.
273
00:12:56,800 --> 00:13:01,120
If you wish to endorse a pageant
celebrating the corruption
274
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:04,600
of a noble working woman by
imperialist greed,
275
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:05,800
then do so.
276
00:13:05,840 --> 00:13:08,480
We do wish to and we shall so!
277
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:10,000
I pity you, Margaret.
278
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:12,560
You're labouring under
the delusion that things matter
279
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:14,120
and that the world can be changed.
280
00:13:14,160 --> 00:13:17,080
Whereas you think they don't
and they can't.
281
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:18,800
I play by the rules,
and I win by them,
282
00:13:18,840 --> 00:13:21,760
which is why I am extremely rich
and happy and you are not.
283
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:26,880
I don't care about wealth
and happiness.
284
00:13:28,080 --> 00:13:31,280
I care about truth.
285
00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:34,840
The truth is Eva's written a play
and you haven't!
286
00:13:34,880 --> 00:13:38,920
Ladies, we only have this
afternoon to stage this...
287
00:13:38,960 --> 00:13:40,960
What's it called again, Eva?
288
00:13:41,000 --> 00:13:42,520
The Dirty Princess.
289
00:13:42,560 --> 00:13:46,680
Wonderful! Just perfect.
Don't you think, Margaret?
290
00:13:46,720 --> 00:13:50,160
I will be in the kitchen...
if anyone wishes to take part
291
00:13:50,200 --> 00:13:52,440
in my extemporised production,
292
00:13:52,480 --> 00:13:55,720
Joan of Arc's Yuletide Suffrage -
the Panto.
293
00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:58,920
No, thank you, Margaret. I'll be
too busy with my scripted play.
294
00:13:58,960 --> 00:14:02,160
When do you propose performing
your coup de theatre?
295
00:14:02,200 --> 00:14:05,080
Tonight. I think you'll find
the stage is occupied.
296
00:14:05,120 --> 00:14:07,240
Well, we could do a double bill
if you like?
297
00:14:07,280 --> 00:14:09,800
Oh, could we? Thank you, Eva.
298
00:14:09,840 --> 00:14:13,560
Can I be Joan? En garde, vous...
Sit down, Emily!
299
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:15,680
I could always pop between...
Sit down, Gwen!
300
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:19,000
Would I upset things terribly
if I joined Margaret?
301
00:14:19,040 --> 00:14:21,560
Yes, you would.
Margaret, count me in.
302
00:14:24,960 --> 00:14:28,200
So are you familiar with
improvisation, Myrtle?
303
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:29,440
SHE CHUCKLES
304
00:14:29,480 --> 00:14:35,400
Sometimes one feels one's whole life
has been one long improvisation.
305
00:14:35,440 --> 00:14:38,320
Sometimes sorrowful...
306
00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,400
sometimes joyful...
307
00:14:41,440 --> 00:14:43,920
always...
308
00:14:43,960 --> 00:14:45,960
passionate!
309
00:14:46,000 --> 00:14:47,240
Yes, yes. Good, good.
310
00:14:47,280 --> 00:14:49,440
But have you done
any actual improvisation?
311
00:14:49,480 --> 00:14:51,000
No.
312
00:14:52,160 --> 00:14:55,240
A princess would do this.
313
00:14:56,280 --> 00:14:58,160
Like this, Frank?
314
00:14:58,200 --> 00:14:59,720
Elbows a bit higher.
315
00:15:01,360 --> 00:15:02,640
Perfect!
316
00:15:02,680 --> 00:15:05,760
What about me, Frank,
for the wicked old aunt?
317
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:09,280
When I played the king
in the ham-dram Hamlet,
318
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:10,920
I did it like this...
319
00:15:13,640 --> 00:15:17,360
To show the audience
I was the baddie, do you see?
320
00:15:21,160 --> 00:15:23,760
Is it like this, Frank?
321
00:15:23,800 --> 00:15:25,640
Maybe just what you were
doing before.
322
00:15:25,680 --> 00:15:27,160
I wasn't doing anything before.
323
00:15:27,200 --> 00:15:29,320
Yes, do that.
324
00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,560
Don't tell Mummy,
325
00:15:30,600 --> 00:15:34,360
but I plan to do my ugly suffragette
cousin as Joan of Arc.
326
00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:36,640
Clean ze grate, you English dog!
327
00:15:36,680 --> 00:15:37,800
Magnificent.
328
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:41,120
Would you like to practise
your lines?
329
00:15:41,160 --> 00:15:44,280
Ah, yes, please.
Perhaps the scene where...
330
00:15:44,320 --> 00:15:47,520
The prince falls in love with the
dirty princess at the ball? Yes, yes.
331
00:15:47,560 --> 00:15:49,760
I could read in as the princess?
332
00:15:49,800 --> 00:15:51,880
Yes, please.
333
00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,160
So, um...
334
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,800
"They stand very
cl...ose together...
335
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,760
"looking deep into
each others' eyes.
336
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,480
"I never want this ball to end."
337
00:16:02,520 --> 00:16:04,160
"Nor me,
338
00:16:04,200 --> 00:16:08,440
"only my chauffeur is waiting
in the Model T Ford, so I must go."
339
00:16:08,480 --> 00:16:10,680
"Must you really?" "I must."
340
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:13,240
"They continue to look deep
into each others' eyes,
341
00:16:13,280 --> 00:16:15,280
"until suddenly,
overcome with passion,
342
00:16:15,320 --> 00:16:17,840
"he leans forward and..."
I'm back, I'm back!
343
00:16:17,880 --> 00:16:20,080
HE HITS RANDOM NOTES ON PIANO
344
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:22,400
I've brought a few costume elements
345
00:16:22,440 --> 00:16:25,240
to give a token flavour
to your characters.
346
00:16:25,280 --> 00:16:28,120
A monocle for you, Thomas,
347
00:16:28,160 --> 00:16:30,160
a duster for Eva,
348
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:35,640
and spectacles and a raggedy shawl
for Emily's ugly cousin.
349
00:16:35,680 --> 00:16:37,680
What about me,
as the other ugly cousin?
350
00:16:37,720 --> 00:16:40,280
Oh, you don't need anything, Gwen.
351
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,280
I'm playing the wicked old aunt
as well.
352
00:16:42,320 --> 00:16:44,240
You still don't need anything.
353
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:46,280
Sorry, Gwen.
354
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:49,400
Well, I suggest we reconvene
at 8pm, ready for the show.
355
00:16:49,440 --> 00:16:51,920
But, Helen, what about rehearsals?
356
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:53,960
Just stand at the front
and speak up.
357
00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,200
If I may interject, Mrs Bute,
358
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:58,720
in the ham-dram, we have a director,
359
00:16:58,760 --> 00:17:02,080
who directs the hacting
of the hactors.
360
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,760
We don't have time for all that.
361
00:17:04,800 --> 00:17:08,760
Then, with all due respect,
you will not have a show.
362
00:17:08,800 --> 00:17:12,120
Oh, very well,
if I must do everything...
363
00:17:12,160 --> 00:17:15,920
We were about to look at Thomas
and Eva's scene with the glove.
364
00:17:15,960 --> 00:17:17,520
Good. Carry on!
365
00:17:18,840 --> 00:17:20,560
Er, so...
366
00:17:20,600 --> 00:17:21,720
um...
367
00:17:23,560 --> 00:17:29,200
Dear sweet prin...
Dear sweet princess...
368
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:31,960
May I...
What are you doing there, Gwen?
369
00:17:32,000 --> 00:17:33,920
Sorry, sorry.
370
00:17:36,240 --> 00:17:37,720
Sorry!
371
00:17:37,760 --> 00:17:40,240
Extraordinary! Continue.
372
00:17:41,640 --> 00:17:45,200
May I have the pleasure
of trying this glove
373
00:17:45,240 --> 00:17:47,240
onto your beautiful,
delicate hand?
374
00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,920
Yes, you may.
375
00:17:52,160 --> 00:17:53,400
SHE GASPS
376
00:17:54,480 --> 00:17:56,200
It fits!
377
00:17:56,240 --> 00:17:58,160
Thank you, Frank.
378
00:17:58,200 --> 00:18:00,120
Go on.
379
00:18:01,520 --> 00:18:03,600
Will you marry me? Yes.
380
00:18:05,480 --> 00:18:08,920
Down on your knees, Thomas. Sorry?
Get on your knees and look at Eva!
381
00:18:08,960 --> 00:18:12,520
Ah, yes. Will you marry me? Yes.
382
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:15,560
Right, it's Gwen now.
Is it? Which part?
383
00:18:15,600 --> 00:18:17,400
Doesn't matter. Just do it!
384
00:18:17,440 --> 00:18:19,040
Quicker! Quicker! Quicker!
385
00:18:19,080 --> 00:18:21,200
You cannot be this slow
on the night!
386
00:18:21,240 --> 00:18:23,480
Which is in exactly
36 minutes' time!
387
00:18:23,520 --> 00:18:26,080
Begin. Begin. Begin.
388
00:18:26,120 --> 00:18:28,120
I haven't got a script.
Here, use mine.
389
00:18:28,160 --> 00:18:29,760
Oh, thank you!
390
00:18:29,800 --> 00:18:32,800
Right, oh, and they lived
happily ever after.
391
00:18:32,840 --> 00:18:34,760
No, no, that's
the Magical Witch's line.
392
00:18:34,800 --> 00:18:37,600
Well, will the Magical Witch
please say her line?
393
00:18:37,640 --> 00:18:40,680
You're the Magical Witch, Mummy.
Yes, right, of course, well...
394
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:42,960
I'll do that on the night.
No need now.
395
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,960
Next time, Gwen, please try
to get it right!
396
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:48,600
Helen, are you sure you don't
want to rehearse your bits?
397
00:18:48,640 --> 00:18:50,920
Eva, reading a few lines
in front of the lower orders
398
00:18:50,960 --> 00:18:52,280
hardly requires rehearsal.
399
00:18:54,040 --> 00:18:56,280
It's not quite working.
Pleiades...
400
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,600
Yes, not quite working.
Not quite working.
401
00:18:58,640 --> 00:19:03,000
I am Joan of Arc, channelling God
in medieval French.
402
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:08,280
You are Sappho, fresh from writing
an epic Greek poem - in Greek, OK?
403
00:19:08,320 --> 00:19:09,760
Rudimentary Greek is fine.
404
00:19:09,800 --> 00:19:12,400
Can I try it
with a Yorkshire accent?
405
00:19:12,440 --> 00:19:15,120
Yes, yes, yes! Why not?
406
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,240
Je frapperai ceux qui...
Tonight...
407
00:19:18,280 --> 00:19:24,080
I watched the moon
and then Pleiades go down...
408
00:19:24,120 --> 00:19:27,000
Je volent leurs communes...
Tonight...
409
00:19:27,040 --> 00:19:30,920
I watched the moon
and then Pleiades go down...
410
00:19:30,960 --> 00:19:33,920
Je vais de moi ce qui...
Tonight!
411
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,960
I watched the moon
and then Pleiades go down...
412
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,280
You can't say the same thing
over and over again.
413
00:19:40,320 --> 00:19:41,440
It's not improvising.
414
00:19:41,480 --> 00:19:44,440
But it's Sappho's poetry.
Yes, but it's not improvising!
415
00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,440
I don't want to play
this game any more.
416
00:19:46,480 --> 00:19:48,720
Yes, that's better.
Fresher, more believable.
417
00:19:48,760 --> 00:19:50,440
Yes, keep going, keep improvising.
418
00:19:50,480 --> 00:19:55,440
I'm not improvising. I'm going to
be in The Dirty Princess. Au revoir!
419
00:19:55,480 --> 00:19:57,440
A bien...
DOOR SLAMS
420
00:19:57,480 --> 00:19:58,880
..tot.
421
00:19:58,920 --> 00:20:00,880
And on, Thomas!
422
00:20:00,920 --> 00:20:03,440
I have decided to return.
423
00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:05,080
Oh, Myrtle, thank goodness,
424
00:20:05,120 --> 00:20:07,360
Gwen's not coping at all
with two parts.
425
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,920
Sorry, Gwen! Would you play
the wicked aunt?
426
00:20:09,960 --> 00:20:13,120
Is she simply wicked
or deliciously wicked?
427
00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:17,360
Was she always wicked,
or did she become wicked
428
00:20:17,400 --> 00:20:21,200
from being spurned
by many young lovers?
429
00:20:21,240 --> 00:20:23,600
Mother, stand there, read this!
430
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,720
People are arriving already.
Shall we let them in?
431
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:32,640
All right! Yes, everybody calm!
We will reconvene backstage.
432
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:35,680
Or "backstage", as we say.
433
00:20:38,080 --> 00:20:40,600
Oh, what if I forget my lines?
You've only got the one.
434
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:42,480
You'll help me, won't you,
Miss Emily?
435
00:20:42,520 --> 00:20:44,680
Please, Gwen, ssh!
I'm trying to warm up.
436
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:46,240
ALL HUM
437
00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:52,360
Thomas, why don't you cover
front of house?
438
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:54,560
Cover the front... what with?
439
00:20:54,600 --> 00:20:57,680
Oh, just go and tear the tickets!
440
00:20:57,720 --> 00:21:01,640
I must give Mrs Unwin
her five-minute call.
441
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:04,800
Five minutes, Mrs Unwin.
I am ready now, Frank.
442
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,000
Dear God!
443
00:21:11,040 --> 00:21:14,680
What's the matter?
Never seen a saint before?
444
00:21:16,160 --> 00:21:18,120
A full house, ladies!
445
00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:21,160
A full house for my first play!
446
00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,520
God, absurd! "My first play"(!)
PIANO PLAYS
447
00:21:24,560 --> 00:21:28,960
That's the go-ahead from Thomas.
House lights down.
448
00:21:35,680 --> 00:21:38,920
On you go, Mrs Bute! Break a leg!
449
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:40,600
What?
450
00:21:40,640 --> 00:21:43,640
The Magical Witch opens
the play with a little rhyme
451
00:21:43,680 --> 00:21:45,160
and a soft-shoe shuffle.
452
00:21:45,200 --> 00:21:47,280
Soft-shoe shuffle!
453
00:21:47,320 --> 00:21:49,920
Yes, of course. Yes, I know.
454
00:21:49,960 --> 00:21:51,680
I know.
455
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:03,400
SHE BREATHES HEAVILY
456
00:22:06,240 --> 00:22:08,360
I can't hear her.
457
00:22:08,400 --> 00:22:10,760
Must be a very soft shoe.
458
00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:16,040
Mummy?
459
00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:17,480
Just need a moment.
460
00:22:18,760 --> 00:22:20,360
Mummy, are you all right?
461
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:21,960
Helen, can you go on?
462
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:25,800
Yes, absolutely, if I just stay here
in this chair behind the curtain.
463
00:22:25,840 --> 00:22:30,960
This is stage fright. I had it once
during Lady Windermere's Fan.
464
00:22:32,160 --> 00:22:35,560
The only cure is to go on stage...
465
00:22:35,600 --> 00:22:37,600
and not be frightened.
466
00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,080
Don't be ridiculous, Frank!
467
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:41,480
I do not have stage fright.
I'm perfectly fine.
468
00:22:41,520 --> 00:22:43,720
There is something wrong
with the audience.
469
00:22:43,760 --> 00:22:45,160
They're the wrong...sort.
470
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,800
You sold the tickets!
471
00:22:46,840 --> 00:22:49,400
Gwen, you're going to have to go
on in Helen's place.
472
00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:53,960
Oh, no, don't make me go on, Eva!
It's like a tornado down there!
473
00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:57,400
Well, that's it, then! No panto!
No Christmas! No nothing!
474
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:58,760
Oh, Eva, no!
475
00:22:59,840 --> 00:23:01,640
Not no Christmas!
476
00:23:03,040 --> 00:23:05,240
Margaret, won't you help us?
Yes, please, Margaret.
477
00:23:05,280 --> 00:23:07,960
Please be the Magical Witch thingy?
We can't do it without you!
478
00:23:08,000 --> 00:23:12,400
Please, Margaret, step down
from your high horse and help us!
479
00:23:12,440 --> 00:23:15,920
To sacrifice what you are,
to live without belief,
480
00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:18,440
that is a fate
more terrible than dying.
481
00:23:18,480 --> 00:23:19,760
The wig has gone to her head.
482
00:23:19,800 --> 00:23:22,000
You are selfish, Margaret!
Plagiarise that!
483
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,880
You're using the word "plagiarise"
484
00:23:23,920 --> 00:23:26,520
in an entirely
inappropriate context.
485
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:29,960
That doesn't even mean anything -
you're just making things up.
486
00:23:30,000 --> 00:23:32,040
ALL ARGUE AT ONCE
Ladies...
487
00:23:32,080 --> 00:23:34,240
LADIES!
488
00:23:34,280 --> 00:23:36,200
I have suffrage news from London.
489
00:23:36,240 --> 00:23:38,320
Mrs Unwin, you must read this.
490
00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:44,080
"300 suffragettes marched
on Parliament yesterday
491
00:23:44,120 --> 00:23:47,640
"to protest the rejection
of the Conciliation Bill."
492
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:49,040
Told you it had been rejected.
493
00:23:49,080 --> 00:23:50,880
"The battle between police
494
00:23:50,920 --> 00:23:53,560
"and suffragettes went on
for six hours.
495
00:23:53,600 --> 00:23:57,560
"Their suffering was pitiful
and horrible in the extreme,
496
00:23:57,600 --> 00:24:00,840
"with several sustaining
severe injuries
497
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:03,000
"at the hands of the police."
498
00:24:05,040 --> 00:24:08,720
MEN SINGING
Why are we waiting...?
499
00:24:08,760 --> 00:24:12,200
Frank, do you think you could go on
and do a few minutes of ham-dram?
500
00:24:12,240 --> 00:24:14,520
Keep the theatre-goers entranced?
501
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:18,360
The Death Of Nancy
At The Hands Of Bill Sikes?
502
00:24:18,400 --> 00:24:20,320
Yes, yes, if you will.
503
00:24:20,360 --> 00:24:22,240
I think I will!
504
00:24:24,680 --> 00:24:26,880
Ladies and gentlemen!
APPLAUSE
505
00:24:26,920 --> 00:24:30,440
Everyone, Eva, I owe you an apology.
506
00:24:30,480 --> 00:24:32,840
Yes, you do.
Yes, I've been...
507
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:35,440
Selfish, jealous, mean-spirited.
508
00:24:35,480 --> 00:24:36,720
If you'd been one of my 15,
509
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:39,080
you'd have been on the naughty
step until tea time.
510
00:24:40,640 --> 00:24:42,200
I accept your apology.
511
00:24:42,240 --> 00:24:43,520
Thank you.
512
00:24:44,760 --> 00:24:47,920
May I suggest we have
a minute's silence
513
00:24:47,960 --> 00:24:53,720
for those brave suffragettes
who fought for us yesterday?
514
00:25:04,560 --> 00:25:07,000
FRANK: Bill! Don't look at me
like that, Bill!
515
00:25:07,040 --> 00:25:10,320
Leave the boy alone! He's just a boy!
516
00:25:10,360 --> 00:25:12,920
Come 'ere, Nancy!
THUD
517
00:25:12,960 --> 00:25:17,360
HE BARKS LIKE A DOG
Quiet, Bullseye!
518
00:25:17,400 --> 00:25:19,400
Not Bullseye! Don't hurt the dog!
519
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,000
You mangy cur! Owww!
520
00:25:22,040 --> 00:25:24,360
BANGING
521
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:26,240
Take that and that!
522
00:25:26,280 --> 00:25:28,000
HE HOWLS LIKE A DOG
523
00:25:28,040 --> 00:25:30,040
Yes, well, I think
that's about a minute.
524
00:25:31,640 --> 00:25:33,960
Eva, with your permission,
525
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:36,680
I should like to make a few
amendments to your script
526
00:25:36,720 --> 00:25:38,440
and then I shall join
you all on stage.
527
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:42,400
Oh, what a relief!
Is Christmas back on?
528
00:25:42,440 --> 00:25:45,200
Yes, Gwen.
Oh, Mother will be pleased.
529
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:46,920
It's the only time she ever smiles.
530
00:25:46,960 --> 00:25:49,680
I resign. You can't.
531
00:25:49,720 --> 00:25:51,560
Why not? You're fired.
532
00:25:52,840 --> 00:25:55,560
THOMAS: ..Trying this glove
onto your dainty hand.
533
00:25:55,600 --> 00:25:56,720
You may.
534
00:25:56,760 --> 00:25:59,040
(GASPS) It fits! It fits!
535
00:25:59,080 --> 00:26:02,200
Indeed it does, dear,
sweet princess. However...
536
00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:05,720
although I admire your beauty
and your proletarian work ethic,
537
00:26:05,760 --> 00:26:07,040
it is not a princess I seek,
538
00:26:07,080 --> 00:26:09,280
but a passionate woman
of political conscience.
539
00:26:09,320 --> 00:26:11,680
Your cousin,
the fearless suffragette!
540
00:26:19,000 --> 00:26:21,680
And so... Oh, goodness!
The suffragette
541
00:26:21,720 --> 00:26:24,520
and the prince lived happily...
Happily ever after!
542
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,200
Happily together,
543
00:26:26,240 --> 00:26:29,680
bringing justice and fairness
to this great nation of ours.
544
00:26:29,720 --> 00:26:32,560
For marriage is not a fairy tale.
545
00:26:32,600 --> 00:26:34,800
It is the union of like minds
546
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:37,560
carrying the double-handed
torch of enlightenment
547
00:26:37,600 --> 00:26:39,480
into the dark corners of ignorance.
548
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:43,040
And now...I shall burn at the stake.
549
00:26:46,400 --> 00:26:49,320
I'm burning. I'm burning.
550
00:26:49,360 --> 00:26:52,120
And we, as suffragettes,
stand shoulder to shoulder
551
00:26:52,160 --> 00:26:55,560
so we should stand face to face
with our men,
552
00:26:55,600 --> 00:26:59,720
seeing beyond the tiresome
charade of gender,
553
00:26:59,760 --> 00:27:02,640
and deep into one another's
unique souls.
554
00:27:02,680 --> 00:27:05,280
I'm still burning, still burning...
555
00:27:05,320 --> 00:27:08,400
Perhaps we may find more
than we ever imagined.
556
00:27:08,440 --> 00:27:09,920
I am now burnt.
557
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:16,200
Osbert?
558
00:27:16,240 --> 00:27:18,480
Really, really, really...
559
00:27:18,520 --> 00:27:19,920
quite good.
560
00:27:21,120 --> 00:27:25,040
So do I marry the prince or not? No.
561
00:27:26,120 --> 00:27:28,080
What are you doing?
562
00:27:29,480 --> 00:27:32,320
Improvising! Well, stop it!
563
00:27:37,520 --> 00:27:41,040
Frank, Frank, come on.
AUDIENCE CHEERS
564
00:27:44,680 --> 00:27:46,880
And now for a song!
Thank you, Thomas.
565
00:27:50,480 --> 00:27:54,600
Suffragettes, come one, come all
This Christmas tide attend the call
566
00:27:54,640 --> 00:27:59,640
Show you have the wherewithal
to stand and be political
567
00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:03,920
Up, up, up the women
Up, up, up we go
568
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:06,400
Up, up, up the women
569
00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:12,040
Choose your side
Are you friend or foe?
570
00:28:12,080 --> 00:28:14,800
AUDIENCE APPLAUDS
571
00:28:14,840 --> 00:28:17,200
Merry Christmas, everyone!
572
00:28:23,440 --> 00:28:26,640
AUDIENCE CHEERS
573
00:28:27,680 --> 00:28:29,880
Nana was a suffragette
574
00:28:29,920 --> 00:28:31,920
Never thought to fail
575
00:28:31,960 --> 00:28:34,480
Nana was a suffragette
576
00:28:34,520 --> 00:28:36,600
Spent the night in jail
577
00:28:36,640 --> 00:28:41,960
Singing "Votes for women
Is just a beginning
578
00:28:42,000 --> 00:28:46,200
"You haven't seen anything yet"
579
00:28:46,240 --> 00:28:50,000
Oh, Nana was a suffragette.
44278
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