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>> TOSH.O IS I TENDED FOR
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MATURE AUDIENCES.
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COMEDY DOES NOT CONDONE THE
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ACTIVITIES ON THE SHOW.
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ENJOY.
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[LAUGHTER] [WHOOPING]
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[APPLAUSE]
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* *
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* *
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TOSH: HE FORGOT HIS ET.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.O.
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TONIGHT'S OVERPRICE CONCERT
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TEAM FEATURES J.J.
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THAT'S THE PERFECT WOMAN TO
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TRICK A WOMAN INTO THINKING
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YOU'RE SENSITIVE.
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ON THE SHOW I REDEEM THE
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UNREDEEMABLE.
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I SHOW HIGHLIGHTS FROM MY
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BASKETBALL LEAGUE AND
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SECRETLY FILM MY STAFF
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EATING DOG FOOD.
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NOW LET'S FIND OUT WHY YOU
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NEVER TRY TO OUT-GRAND THE
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CANYON.
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>> OH, NO!
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>> YOU SEE WHAT YOU'RE
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FOOLISH ENOUGH TO DO, BLACK
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PEOPLE?
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YOU JUST SHOVED US OUT OF
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NORMAL SPORTS.
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NOW WE ARE JUMPING OFF
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MOUNTAINS.
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[LAUGHTER].
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TOSH: BY THE WAY YOU GET
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EXTRA POINTS IF YOU GO
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FARTHER THAN YOUR BIKE.
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I BET HIS SCREAM SOUNDING
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MAJESTIC ECHOING OFF THE
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BEYOND WALL.
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NEVER CHEER UNTIL THERE'S A
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SAFE LANDING BECAUSE NOW YOU
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ALL LOOK STUPID.
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THERE'S NO SHAME IN BAILING
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OUT WHEN THINGS GET
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DANGEROUS.
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I DO IT ALL THE TIME.
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>> WHAT DO YOU DO?
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>> I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING
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YET, BUT I'M AN ACTRESS.
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>> OH.
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[LAUGHTER].
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TOSH: THAT'S WHY I ALWAYS
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WEAR A HELMET CAM ON THE
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FIRST DATE.
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ALL RIGHT.
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GOOD LUCK SNEAKING INTO HOME
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ROOM IF THIS NEXT GUY IS
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YOUR DAD.
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[LAUGHTER].
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TOSH: YOUR MOVE, SCHOOL
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BULLIES.
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IF YOU DON'T WANT TO LAY
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DOWN COVER FIRE FOR YOUR
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CHILD, THEN DON'T LIVE IN
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DETROIT.
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ACTUALLY THAT'S NOT AMERICA.
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KNOW HOW I KNOW?
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BECAUSE WE DO OUR SHOOTINGS
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INSIDE THE SCHOOL, AND WHY
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IS HE DROPPING OFF HIS KID
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IN THE FIRST PLACE.
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DOESN'T HE OWN A WIFE?
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[LAUGHTER].
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TOSH: OK.
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DID YOU KNOW AS WE SPEAK
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THERE ARE SLUTS IN CHINA
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TRYING TO DIG THEIR AWAY TO
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THE U.S. OF A?
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[LAUGHTER].
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TOSH: WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU
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FLOODED RIFE PATTIES, MAKE
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FETISH PORN.
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FIRST SAILOR OUTFIT IS
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RUINED.
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GOOD THING THEY'RE HAD GOOD
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AT LAUNDRY.
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EITHER OR SNAP THINGS
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TOGETHER FOR APPLE.
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ALL RIGHT.
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SOMEBODY HELP HER.
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[LAUGHTER].
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TOSH: FACE DOWN, ASS UP,
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THAT'S THE WAY WE BOTH GOT
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STUCK.
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YOUR PRIUS MAY SAVE THE
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ENVIRONMENT BUT IT WILL
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NEVER MAKE A WOMAN DO THIS.
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[SCREAMING].
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TOSH: JUST LIKE THE GRI AT
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THE FERRARI DEALERSHIP SAID
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IT WOULD HAPPEN.
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IMAGINE THE NOISE THAT SHE
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WOULD MAKE IF THAT GUY'S
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BELOW AVERAGE SIZE PENIS WAS
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INSIDE HER?
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THAT BUMPER STICKER MIGHT BE
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TOO MUCH.
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MOVING ON, IN A FIGHT TO
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PROTECT YOURSELF AT ALL
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TIMES IS JUST A SUGGESTION.
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DON'T PUT YOUR -- QUIT YOUR
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NIGHT JOB WORKING THE DOOR
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AT A STRIP CLUB.
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IT'S NOT EVEN KING HIPPO CAN
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WIN 'EM ALL.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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[LAUGHTER].
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TOSH: THERE COULD NOT HAVE
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BEEN A WORSE TIME FOR HIS
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INVILLETY POTION TO WEAR
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OFF.
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NOW YOU SEE WHY YOU NEVER
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ENTER A POLICE STATION WITH
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AN EXPOSED WEAPON.
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THAT JAILBIRD HAS JUST BEEN
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RELEASED AND YOU DON'T GO
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HOME WITH A SOUVENIR JUMP
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SUIT.
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THIS IS A HOLDING AREA, SIR,
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SO PLEASE HOLD YOUR AREA.
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FINALLY THEY'RE GIVING HIM
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HIS STUFF BACK.
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HOPEFULLY THERE'S A SPORTS
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BRA IN THERE.
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THIS IS NOT IDEAL FOOT WARE.
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IN HIS DEFENSE, NO ONE LOOKS
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SANE IN FLIPPERS.
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SERVES HIM RIGHT I SAY.
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COPS ARE ALWAYS BREAKING
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INTO MY PARTIES, TAKING
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THEIR CLOTHES OFF.
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LOOK LIKE ANOTHER ONE FOR
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THE COURT-APPOINTED
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ATTORNEY.
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YOUR CLIENT IS THE ONE IN
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SWIM FINS.
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THERE'S NO AUDIO, BUT I'M
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PRETTY SURE ONE COP SAID I'M
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GETTING TOO OLD FOR THIS
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[BLEEP].
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HE'S BEEN FREE FOR HOURS
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WAIT ARE -- WAITING FOR THE
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TIDE TO COME IN.
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I'M JUST GLAD THERE ARE COPS
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THAT LET HIM PUT ON FLIPPERS
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AND DANCING AROUND INSTEAD
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OF THROWING HIM TO GROUND
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AND TASTESING HIM.
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WE WILL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT
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FIRST PEOPLE THINK THERE'S
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NO PLACE FOR CONSERVATIVES
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IN W50D.
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AS LONG AS YOUR PROJECT
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MAKES MONEY NO ONE CARES
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WHAT YOU BELIEVE.
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I'M GOING TO START PLAYING
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YOU MESSAGES LEFT BY A RIGHT
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WING FRIEND IN A NEW SEGMENT
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CALLED FAIR AND BALANCED
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VOICE MALES FROM COMEDIAN,
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GREG HAAN.
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>> GEORGE WASHINGTON TO
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GEORGE BUSH TOTAL DEBT $10
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TRILLION.
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ONE MAN, BARACK OBAMA, FOUR
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YEARS, HIS DEBT $6 TRILLION.
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UNBELIEVABLE.
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JACK STEWART DOES NOT
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COMPREHEND THAT.
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WHO THINKS CLINTON ERASEED
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THE DEBT.
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ALL RIGHT.
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LET'S GET SOME SUSHI.
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>> WE JUST SAW THE
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GIRLSCOUTS WITH THEIR LITTLE
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TABLE AND WE AND MY FRIEND
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WERE LIKE LET'S GET THE
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MONEY IN THE ENVELOPE.
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>> WHY DID YOU DO IT?
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>> I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T LIKE
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MONEY?
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>> BUT IT'S A CRIME.
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>> I KNOW IT'S A CRIME, BUT
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A TINY CRIME.
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>> WHAT WERE YOU GOING TO
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USE IT FOR?
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>> I FILLED UP MY GAS TANK.
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I WAS PLANNING ON BUYING A
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NECKLACE AND NEW PHONE BUT I
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GUESS NOT.
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>> WHAT DO YOU THINK, THINGS
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WILL PAY FOR THEMSELVES?
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THAT'S STEPHANIE WITH AN F.
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IF SHE HAD DONE THAT IN THE
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MIDDLE EAST THEY WOULD HAVE
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CHOPPED HER HANDS OFF, WHICH
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WOULD HAVE BEEN HORRIBLE
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BECAUSE SHE LOOKS LIKE SHE
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GIVES GOOD HANDS JOBS.
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THEY CALL IT PETTI THEFT
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BECAUSE WHO CARES?
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AT WORST YOU GET A SLAP ON
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THE WRIST.
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AT BEST YOU HAVE A $5
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HANDBAG.
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SOME STORES HAVE LOSS
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PREVENTION PERSONNEL.
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THEY'RE HIRED TO FOLLOW
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BLACK PEOPLE AROUND.
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I DON'T AGREE WITH IT EITHER,
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BUT IF NOT FOR SHOPLIFTING
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THERE WOULDN'T DESECURITY
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VIDEOS.
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MY FAVORITE THING TO STEAL
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IS A KISS.
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THEY CAN'T MAKE YOU GIVE IT
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BACK.
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I BORROWED HOLLYWOOD FOR
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THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
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>> OH, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
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>> LET'S DO IT RIGHT HERE,
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BABY.
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>> LET'S WASH THAT PRISON
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STINK OFF FIRST.
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CAREFUL.
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THIS IS A RENTAL.
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AVIS GAVE ME AN UP GAID.
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SHOULD I FEEL SAFE AROUND
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YOU?
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>> YEAH, YOU'RE GOOD.
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>> WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
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>> FORT LAUDERDALE.
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>> DO YOU I AM BLAME FLORIDA
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FOR SOME OF THE DECISIONS
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YOU MADE IN YOUR LIFE.
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>> PARTLY.
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>> YOUR HAIR IS BETTER THAN
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THAT ORIGINAL VIDEO.
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>> YEAH.
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>> WHAT KIND OF DIRT BAG
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PHASE WAS THAT.
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WERE YOU EVER A GIRLSCOUT?
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>> NO I WASN'T.
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>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
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GIRLSCOUTS?
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>> I'M NOT SURE WHAT THEY
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DO.
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE PROFIT
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IS FOR.
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEIR
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PURPOSE IS.
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>> I'M PRETTY SURE THEY'RE
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FIGHTING IN THE MIDMITD.
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-- MIDDLE EAST.
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TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED THAT
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DAY.
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>> THERE WAS A GIRL INVOLVED
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THAT TOOK THE ENVELOPE ON
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THE TABLE WHERE THE
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GIRLSCOUT WAS SELLING
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COOKIES.
273
00:10:25,233 --> 00:10:26,833
>> HOW DID YOU GET CAUGHT?
274
00:10:26,833 --> 00:10:30,103
>> SHE WENT TO SCHOOL THE
275
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,630
NEXT DAY AND TALKED AND WE
276
00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:32,173
GOT ARREST.
277
00:10:32,167 --> 00:10:33,667
>> SO IT'S HER FAULT.
278
00:10:33,667 --> 00:10:36,367
IS THAT WHY YOU KILLED HER?
279
00:10:36,367 --> 00:10:37,767
HOW MUCH MONEY WAS THERE
280
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:38,497
TOTAL?
281
00:10:38,500 --> 00:10:40,470
>> $168.
282
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:41,827
>> OK AND YOU SPLIT THAT TWO
283
00:10:41,833 --> 00:10:42,333
WAYS?
284
00:10:42,333 --> 00:10:42,873
>> WE DID.
285
00:10:42,867 --> 00:10:44,867
>> AND THEN YOU SPENT 50 ON
286
00:10:44,867 --> 00:10:46,827
GAS, AND THEN YOU SAID YOU
287
00:10:46,833 --> 00:10:48,533
WERE GOING TO BUY A NECKLACE
288
00:10:48,533 --> 00:10:49,233
AND CELL PHONE.
289
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:50,303
HOW WERE YOU PLANNING ON
290
00:10:50,300 --> 00:10:51,830
DOING THAT WITH $25?
291
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,233
>> I WASN'T SURE.
292
00:10:53,233 --> 00:10:55,173
I HAD TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK,
293
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:56,767
SO I DIDN'T GET THE REST OF
294
00:10:56,767 --> 00:10:57,097
IT.
295
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:58,670
>> HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN
296
00:10:58,667 --> 00:11:00,597
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN IN
297
00:11:00,600 --> 00:11:01,100
TROUBLE?
298
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:02,700
>> AFTER THE GIRLSCOUT THING
299
00:11:02,700 --> 00:11:04,900
DID I EIGHT MONTHS, WAS OUT
300
00:11:04,900 --> 00:11:06,070
TWO MONTHS, GOT IN TROUBLE
301
00:11:06,067 --> 00:11:07,827
AGAIN, SAT IN JAIL YEAR AND
302
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,733
A HALF, FROM THERE TO REHAB,
303
00:11:09,733 --> 00:11:11,273
STRAIGHT FROM REHAB TO HOUSE
304
00:11:11,267 --> 00:11:11,697
ARREST.
305
00:11:11,700 --> 00:11:14,700
THANK YOU FORGETING ME OFF
306
00:11:14,700 --> 00:11:15,800
HOUSE ARREST BY THE WAY.
307
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,500
>> WHAT DO I DO?
308
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:18,770
I BREAK PEOPLE OUT.
309
00:11:18,767 --> 00:11:20,127
HOW WAS THE FOOD IN JAIL?
310
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,073
>> IT WAS AWFUL.
311
00:11:21,067 --> 00:11:21,727
>> YEAH?
312
00:11:21,733 --> 00:11:22,173
>> YEAH.
313
00:11:22,167 --> 00:11:23,667
>> YOU WANT AN APPLE?
314
00:11:23,667 --> 00:11:24,427
>> NO.
315
00:11:24,433 --> 00:11:25,633
>> YOU SURE?
316
00:11:25,633 --> 00:11:26,403
>> I'M POSITIVE.
317
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,930
>> I'VE SEEN THIS IN A LOT
318
00:11:27,933 --> 00:11:28,873
OF MOVIES.
319
00:11:28,867 --> 00:11:29,267
SEEMS COOL.
320
00:11:29,267 --> 00:11:30,627
ARE YOU FINISHED WITH
321
00:11:30,633 --> 00:11:31,803
STEALING?
322
00:11:31,800 --> 00:11:33,530
>> YES.
323
00:11:33,533 --> 00:11:37,873
>> YOU HESITATED.
324
00:11:37,867 --> 00:11:43,067
DID BEING IN THE PRISON
325
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,827
TERRIFY.
326
00:11:44,833 --> 00:11:45,203
>> YEAH.
327
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,800
>> WHAT ARE SHOWS SHOWERS
328
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,070
LIKE?
329
00:11:48,067 --> 00:11:48,827
>> THEY'RE CLOSE.
330
00:11:48,833 --> 00:11:50,373
>> DO YOU STILL SMOKE?
331
00:11:50,367 --> 00:11:51,067
>> MM-HMM.
332
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:52,197
>> WHY DON'T YOU QUIT?
333
00:11:52,200 --> 00:11:53,170
>> NOT READY.
334
00:11:53,167 --> 00:11:54,097
>> I QUIT.
335
00:11:54,100 --> 00:11:55,930
THAT'S WHY I USE THESE.
336
00:11:55,933 --> 00:11:56,973
>> WHAT'S THAT?
337
00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,097
>> USED CIGARETTES.
338
00:11:58,100 --> 00:11:58,900
>> I USED TO HAVE ONE OF
339
00:11:58,900 --> 00:12:01,270
THOSE.
340
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,567
>> OH, THAT'S GOOD.
341
00:12:02,567 --> 00:12:03,597
>> WATER VAPOR.
342
00:12:03,600 --> 00:12:05,970
>> NO DANGERS OF SMOKING BUT
343
00:12:05,967 --> 00:12:08,597
STILL ALL THE COOLNESS.
344
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:09,070
WHATEVER.
345
00:12:09,067 --> 00:12:09,867
SUIT YOURSELF.
346
00:12:09,867 --> 00:12:10,567
>> IT'S GROSS.
347
00:12:10,567 --> 00:12:11,727
>> WHAT DO YOU LIKE TO DO
348
00:12:11,733 --> 00:12:12,333
FOR FUN?
349
00:12:12,333 --> 00:12:14,473
>> NOT REALLY MUCH I CAN DO
350
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:16,167
FOR FUN ON HOUSE ARREST.
351
00:12:16,167 --> 00:12:16,897
WATCH TV.
352
00:12:16,900 --> 00:12:17,770
>> PLAY VIDEO GAMES.
353
00:12:17,767 --> 00:12:19,197
>> IF I HAD A CONSOLE TO
354
00:12:19,200 --> 00:12:19,870
PLAY THEM YES.
355
00:12:19,867 --> 00:12:22,427
>> WELL, STEAL ONE.
356
00:12:22,433 --> 00:12:23,303
PROBABLY WONDERING WHY I
357
00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:23,970
BROUGHT YOU HERE.
358
00:12:23,967 --> 00:12:24,367
>> I AM.
359
00:12:24,367 --> 00:12:26,427
>> WHAT IF I TOLD YOU I HAD
360
00:12:26,433 --> 00:12:27,933
ONE LAST SCORE THEN WE GET
361
00:12:27,933 --> 00:12:29,903
OUT OF HERE, LEAD A NORMAL
362
00:12:29,900 --> 00:12:30,730
LIFE TOGETHER?
363
00:12:30,733 --> 00:12:31,873
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
364
00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:32,697
>> CAN'T RISK IT.
365
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:33,830
>> CAN'T RISK IT?
366
00:12:33,833 --> 00:12:34,673
COME ON.
367
00:12:34,667 --> 00:12:36,267
IT'S ME AND YOU BABY AND THE
368
00:12:36,267 --> 00:12:38,227
BEACHES OF MEXICO AND NOT
369
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:38,733
ACAPULCO.
370
00:12:38,733 --> 00:12:39,403
THAT'S WHERE WHITE PEOPLE
371
00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:46,370
GET MURDERED.
372
00:12:46,367 --> 00:12:46,767
[BEEPING].
373
00:12:46,767 --> 00:12:47,927
>> NO, NO, NO!
374
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:48,903
WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO COME
375
00:12:48,900 --> 00:12:51,630
UP WITH SOMETHING ELSE.
376
00:12:51,633 --> 00:12:54,133
I'M GOING NEED YOU IN ZONE
377
00:12:54,133 --> 00:12:54,473
8.
378
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:56,167
I WILL BE IN ZONE 5.
379
00:12:56,167 --> 00:13:03,797
I WILL VISIT ZONE 13.
380
00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:07,130
LET GO.
381
00:13:07,133 --> 00:13:09,403
GET THE MISSILE.
382
00:13:09,400 --> 00:13:12,800
THAT'S A JOKE.
383
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,130
KNOCK IT OFF.
384
00:13:14,133 --> 00:13:16,503
JUST STICK TO THE PLAN.
385
00:13:16,500 --> 00:13:17,870
IF ANYTHING GOES WRONG,
386
00:13:17,867 --> 00:13:19,827
DON'T SAY ANYTHING STUPID TO
387
00:13:19,833 --> 00:13:20,503
THE LOCAL NEWS.
388
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:24,930
WE ARE GOING TO GETNESS
389
00:13:24,933 --> 00:13:25,773
GIRLS WHERE IT HURTS THE
390
00:13:25,767 --> 00:13:36,497
MOST.
391
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:39,070
>> HEY, THERE FELLOW
392
00:13:39,067 --> 00:13:39,397
GIRLSCOUTS.
393
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:41,070
>> HEY, I'M JUST HERE TO
394
00:13:41,067 --> 00:13:41,827
PICK UP MY GIRLSCOUT
395
00:13:41,833 --> 00:13:58,733
COOKIES.
396
00:13:58,733 --> 00:14:04,973
[KARATE NOISES].
397
00:14:04,967 --> 00:14:11,767
[LAUGHTER].
398
00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:13,967
>> I LOVE IT WHEN A PLAN
399
00:14:13,967 --> 00:14:14,467
COMES TOGETHER.
400
00:14:14,467 --> 00:14:16,467
>> I LOVE YOU SO [BLEEP]
401
00:14:16,467 --> 00:14:17,127
MUCH BABY.
402
00:14:17,133 --> 00:14:18,573
>> WE WILL WORK ON THAT
403
00:14:18,567 --> 00:14:26,367
LATER.
404
00:14:26,367 --> 00:14:28,667
YOU'RE STILL HERE.
405
00:14:28,667 --> 00:14:29,967
THREE DEAD BODIES, NO
406
00:14:29,967 --> 00:14:32,397
COOKIES MISSING, JUST
407
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:32,870
DOESN'T ADD UP.
408
00:14:32,867 --> 00:14:39,367
WHAT'S THAT?
409
00:14:39,367 --> 00:14:41,767
WELL, THAT'S JUST CRUEL.
410
00:14:41,767 --> 00:14:43,097
THEY STOLE EVERYTHING BUT
411
00:14:43,100 --> 00:14:46,770
THE [BLEEP] OIL.
412
00:14:46,767 --> 00:14:49,327
THIS GUY REALLY IS THE
413
00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:56,573
MASTER OF THE GREEN SCREEN.
414
00:14:56,567 --> 00:14:56,927
* *
415
00:14:56,933 --> 00:15:01,473
* *
416
00:15:01,467 --> 00:15:02,197
>> LIKED THEM BETTER WHEN
417
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:04,400
THEY WERE CALLED CARAMEL
418
00:15:04,400 --> 00:15:04,870
DELIGHTS.
419
00:15:04,867 --> 00:15:05,867
[APPLAUSE]
420
00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:07,467
TOSH: AND TO BE CLEAR, A
421
00:15:07,467 --> 00:15:09,067
JUDGE HAD TO RELEASE HER
422
00:15:09,067 --> 00:15:11,067
INTO MY CUSTODY FOR 24 HOURS
423
00:15:11,067 --> 00:15:12,227
TO SHOOT THAT.
424
00:15:12,233 --> 00:15:13,333
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
425
00:15:13,333 --> 00:15:14,933
BUT FIRST IT'S TIME FOR ONE
426
00:15:14,933 --> 00:15:17,173
OF YOUR LEAST FAVORITE
427
00:15:17,167 --> 00:15:19,067
SEGMENTS THE ULTIMATE NAME
428
00:15:19,067 --> 00:15:19,327
DROP.
429
00:15:19,333 --> 00:15:22,533
>> [BLEEP] [BLEEP].
430
00:15:22,533 --> 00:15:25,833
>> [BLEEP].
431
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:34,903
>> I KNOW ED I NO KNOCKERS.
432
00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:40,700
HE PUT HIS HAND IN MY FACE.
433
00:15:40,700 --> 00:15:46,130
I'M ANNIE'S COUSIN.
434
00:15:46,133 --> 00:15:48,833
[BLEEP].
435
00:15:48,833 --> 00:15:51,403
>> THIS IS A FREE [BLEEP]
436
00:15:51,400 --> 00:15:52,130
COUNTRY.
437
00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:53,573
>> I'LL NOT YOUR [BLEEP]
438
00:15:53,567 --> 00:16:03,127
OUT.
439
00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:17,103
[APPLAUSE]
440
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:22,430
[APPLAUSE]
441
00:16:22,433 --> 00:16:26,273
>> HERE YOU GO.
442
00:16:26,267 --> 00:16:28,397
>> LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOING TO
443
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:30,230
MISS THE ENTIRE TWO-GAME
444
00:16:30,233 --> 00:16:30,933
SEASON.
445
00:16:30,933 --> 00:16:32,073
PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO
446
00:16:32,067 --> 00:16:33,927
SECTION I UP SPORTS BY
447
00:16:33,933 --> 00:16:35,333
HAVING THEM PLAY THEM.
448
00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:37,403
THERE'S LINGERIE FOOTBALL,
449
00:16:37,400 --> 00:16:39,100
FOSCHI BOXING AND STRIPPER
450
00:16:39,100 --> 00:16:42,800
GOLF BUT LATEIS HAVE NOTHING
451
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,100
TO MASTURBATES TO WHILE
452
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:45,800
WATCHING SPORTS.
453
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:48,700
THAT'S WHY I CREATED THE
454
00:16:48,700 --> 00:16:51,600
BOMB -- BOTTOMLESS
455
00:16:51,600 --> 00:17:00,070
BASKETBALL LEAGUE.
456
00:17:00,067 --> 00:17:05,827
[APPLAUSE]
457
00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:09,573
TOSH: IT'S ALWAYS TOUGH
458
00:17:09,567 --> 00:17:16,067
PLAYING AGAINST THAT CAST.
459
00:17:16,067 --> 00:17:20,067
>> LOOKING AT YOURSELF
460
00:17:20,067 --> 00:17:23,397
ENGINE, OUGHT I FILL HAS
461
00:17:23,400 --> 00:17:27,900
SOME INTERESTING RESULTS.
462
00:17:27,900 --> 00:17:29,830
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M WEIRD
463
00:17:29,833 --> 00:17:33,173
SEXUALLY?
464
00:17:33,167 --> 00:17:35,127
HOW DO I KNOW IF THE PORN
465
00:17:35,133 --> 00:17:39,073
I'M LOOKING AT IS TOO WEIRD?
466
00:17:39,067 --> 00:17:40,367
HOW WEIRD IS TOO WEIRD
467
00:17:40,367 --> 00:17:42,867
PORN-WISE?
468
00:17:42,867 --> 00:17:46,167
HOW DO I UNSEE PORN THAT I
469
00:17:46,167 --> 00:17:48,797
SAW ACCIDENTALLY?
470
00:17:48,800 --> 00:17:51,770
HOW DO I STOP PORN-RELATED
471
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:54,467
NIGHT TRORS?
472
00:17:54,467 --> 00:17:56,327
-- TERRORS?
473
00:17:56,333 --> 00:17:58,073
HOW DO I KNOW IF THE PORN I
474
00:17:58,067 --> 00:17:59,597
WATCHED IS HAUNTED?
475
00:17:59,600 --> 00:18:00,700
HOW COME I CAN'T LAUGH
476
00:18:00,700 --> 00:18:05,930
ANYMORE?
477
00:18:05,933 --> 00:18:07,133
TOSH: THAT IS A GOOD
478
00:18:07,133 --> 00:18:09,673
REMINDER FOR EVERYONE DURING
479
00:18:09,667 --> 00:18:11,697
THIS NEXT COMMERCIAL BREAK
480
00:18:11,700 --> 00:18:13,470
TO MAKE SURE YOUR BROWSER IS
481
00:18:13,467 --> 00:18:19,827
ON PRIVACY MODE.
482
00:18:20,067 --> 00:18:22,697
PARAGRAPH
483
00:18:22,700 --> 00:18:26,070
[APPLAUSE]
484
00:18:26,067 --> 00:18:26,967
DOES ANYBODY WANT TO PLAY
485
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:29,767
THE NEW HALO FOUR WITH ME?
486
00:18:29,767 --> 00:18:31,797
MY GAMER TAG IS I ACTUALLY
487
00:18:31,800 --> 00:18:33,570
HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH WOMEN.
488
00:18:33,567 --> 00:18:36,627
NEXT WEEK I BREAK MY RULE
489
00:18:36,633 --> 00:18:37,503
ABOUT TALK TO GO CAB
490
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:38,070
DRIVERS.
491
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:39,797
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHO I AM.
492
00:18:39,800 --> 00:18:41,900
I'M CATCH YOU DAVE IN MY
493
00:18:41,900 --> 00:18:43,200
BLACK AND YELLOW CAB.
494
00:18:43,200 --> 00:18:43,930
YEAH.
495
00:18:43,933 --> 00:18:44,273
UH-HUH.
496
00:18:44,267 --> 00:18:45,667
YOU KNOW WHO I AM.
497
00:18:45,667 --> 00:18:47,597
I'M TAXI DAVE, TAXI DAVE IN
498
00:18:47,600 --> 00:18:50,070
MY BLACK AND YELLOW, BLACK
499
00:18:50,067 --> 00:18:51,727
AND YELLOW CAB.
500
00:18:51,733 --> 00:18:52,633
TOSH: THAT WENT ON FOR SIX
501
00:18:52,633 --> 00:18:58,733
MORE MINUTES.
502
00:18:58,733 --> 00:19:00,473
CHECK OUT OUR BLOG WHICH
503
00:19:00,467 --> 00:19:02,267
QUITE FRANKLY HAS BEEN A
504
00:19:02,267 --> 00:19:02,867
DISAPPOINTING REVENUE
505
00:19:02,867 --> 00:19:04,727
STREAM.
506
00:19:04,733 --> 00:19:05,933
I'M CONSIDERING ADDING A
507
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,803
POCKET WATCH THAT WAS
508
00:19:07,800 --> 00:19:10,170
ENGRAVED WITH MY INITIALS
509
00:19:10,167 --> 00:19:12,527
AND TONIGHT'S SPOILER ALERT
510
00:19:12,533 --> 00:19:18,733
IS AS FOLLOWS: CONNIE IS
511
00:19:18,733 --> 00:19:19,073
GAY.
512
00:19:19,067 --> 00:19:20,927
I DECIDED THE BEST WAY TO
513
00:19:20,933 --> 00:19:23,403
FIX PEOPLES EATING HABITS IS
514
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:24,970
REPLACE THEIR SNACKS WITH
515
00:19:24,967 --> 00:19:26,297
POISON UNTIL THOSE ANIMALS
516
00:19:26,300 --> 00:19:28,270
WERE AFRAID TO EAT ANYTHING.
517
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,697
FIRST I SET UP A CAMERA IN
518
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,900
OUR KITCHEN AND PUT OUT
519
00:19:32,900 --> 00:19:34,630
FANCY DOG TREATS.
520
00:19:34,633 --> 00:19:35,403
MY STAFF WILL EAT ANYTHING
521
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:36,700
IF YOU SET IT ON A NICE
522
00:19:36,700 --> 00:19:39,570
PLATE.
523
00:19:39,567 --> 00:19:41,427
THAT GUY'S FAVORITE COOKIE
524
00:19:41,433 --> 00:19:43,233
IN THE WORLD IS A FIGURE
525
00:19:43,233 --> 00:19:46,073
NEWTON.
526
00:19:46,067 --> 00:19:50,427
-- FIG NEWTON.
527
00:19:50,433 --> 00:19:54,403
THAT THE ONE OF OUR EDITORS.
528
00:19:54,400 --> 00:19:57,230
SHE'S CHEWING IT, PROCESSING
529
00:19:57,233 --> 00:19:58,073
IT.
530
00:19:58,067 --> 00:20:00,297
YOU THINK THIS GUY COULD
531
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:00,870
HANDLE THIS.
532
00:20:00,867 --> 00:20:01,297
NOPE.
533
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:02,900
THAT'S COMING OUT.
534
00:20:02,900 --> 00:20:04,170
THEN THERE'S RICKY.
535
00:20:04,167 --> 00:20:04,827
OH, RICK.
536
00:20:04,833 --> 00:20:05,733
I HATE TO DO THIS TO YOU,
537
00:20:05,733 --> 00:20:07,833
RICKY.
538
00:20:07,833 --> 00:20:09,633
HE'S TAKING A BITE OF IT,
539
00:20:09,633 --> 00:20:12,673
AND HE'S LIKE OH, THAT'S NOT
540
00:20:12,667 --> 00:20:13,597
BAD.
541
00:20:13,600 --> 00:20:14,500
LET ME GET ONE MORE OF
542
00:20:14,500 --> 00:20:17,270
THOSE.
543
00:20:17,267 --> 00:20:19,967
I LIKE THAT HE SHAKES HIS
544
00:20:19,967 --> 00:20:21,097
HEAD HERE BEFORE HE HAS A
545
00:20:21,100 --> 00:20:21,600
THIRD.
546
00:20:21,600 --> 00:20:26,370
THAT'S A THIRD DOG TREAT.
547
00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:28,027
HIS COAT IS GOING TO LOOK
548
00:20:28,033 --> 00:20:28,473
AMAZING.
549
00:20:28,467 --> 00:20:30,267
NEXT, FOR REASONS THAT DON'T
550
00:20:30,267 --> 00:20:32,827
CONCERN YOU, I OWN A BOTTLE
551
00:20:32,833 --> 00:20:36,433
OF STRAWBERRY FLAVORED
552
00:20:36,433 --> 00:20:37,073
SPRAY.
553
00:20:37,067 --> 00:20:40,367
I SQUIRTED IT INTO MY
554
00:20:40,367 --> 00:20:41,627
FRIEND'S WATER BOTTLE.
555
00:20:41,633 --> 00:20:45,533
LET'S SEE IF HE NOTICES.
556
00:20:45,533 --> 00:20:54,473
[LAUGHTER].
557
00:20:54,467 --> 00:20:57,327
>> HE SAID IT TAITH LIKE
558
00:20:57,333 --> 00:21:01,833
PROPEL, SO CONGRATULATIONS.
559
00:21:01,833 --> 00:21:04,203
OFFICE MORALE IS AT A LOW.
560
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:06,600
TO SEE THE REST OF THIS
561
00:21:06,600 --> 00:21:08,630
EPISODE, FLIP OVER TO BBC
562
00:21:08,633 --> 00:21:08,973
AMERICA.
563
00:21:08,967 --> 00:21:09,297
CHEERS.
564
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:19,730
[APPLAUSE]
565
00:21:20,067 --> 00:21:20,927
TOSH: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
566
00:21:20,933 --> 00:21:23,603
THE BOY SCOUTS NOT ALLOWING
567
00:21:23,600 --> 00:21:24,300
GAY PEOPLE IN THEIR
568
00:21:24,300 --> 00:21:24,800
ORGANIZATION?
569
00:21:24,800 --> 00:21:25,600
>> THEY DON'T?
570
00:21:25,600 --> 00:21:26,670
>> THAT'S WHAT YOU SHOULD
571
00:21:26,667 --> 00:21:27,527
DO.
33772
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