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TOSH.O IS INTENDED FOR MATURE
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AUDIENCES.
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COMEDY CENTRAL DOES NOT CONDONE
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THE ACTIVITIES PERFORMED AND
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DISCOURAGINGS ANYONE FROM
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ATTEMPTING THEM.
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ENJOY.
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[ MUSIC ]
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YOU SUNK MY LIFEBOAT!
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STILL NOT AS BIG A BOMB
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AS THAT HORRIBLE BATTLESHIP
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MOVIE.
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NOW AVAILABLE ON BLU RAY/DVD
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COMBO PACK.
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WELCOME TO TOSH.0.
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TONIGHT'S OVER-PRICED CONCERT
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TEE WITH SEXY STUBBLE FEATURES.
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TEGAN AND SARA.
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THAT'S TEGAN, THAT'S SARA.
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HERE'S THE SONG "NINETEEN" FROM
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MY FAVORITE ALBUM OF THEIRS, THE
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CON.
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"AND WHEN I LAY BESIDE YOU.".
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IT HARDLY SEEMS POSSIBLE, BUT
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SOMEHOW THOSE LESBIAN TWIN
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SISTERS FROM CANADA ARE ABLE TO
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CAPTURE EVERY SINGLE EMOTION
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I'VE EVER FELT.
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TONIGHT ON THE SHOW.
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WE REDEEM THIS LITTLE SWEET
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FIRECRACKER.
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I TEACH YOU THE RIGHT WAY TO
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CONFRONT YOUR UNCLE.
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AND WE SEE YOU DO SOME SHOTS!
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SHOTS!
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SHOTS!
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SHOTS!
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SHOTS!
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SHOTS! HOW DOES THAT SONG GO?
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I DON'T LIKE THAT GROUP AT ALL.
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NOW, LET'S WATCH THESE GUYS SAVE
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SOME MONEY ON BAIT.
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MARK SANCHEZ WOULD STILL BE
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HOLDING THE GRENADE.
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MMM, THESE CRAB CAKES ARE
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DELICIOUS.
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WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?
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SHRAPNEL.
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STILL A BETTER IDEA THAN HAVING
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SETH MACFARLANE HOST THE OSCARS.
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HEY, YOU KNOW ON THE VOICE WHEN
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THEY TURN AROUND AND THE PERSON
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LOOKS COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM
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WHAT THEY IMAGINED?
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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SHOW IT.
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VERY CONVINCING PIG.
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NOW LET'S PUT 20 SECONDS ON THE
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CLOCK AND SEE HOW MANY FUNNY
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COMMENTS WE CAN MAKE.
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NICE TO SEE JESSICA SIMPSON BACK
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TO WORK.
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AH, THE FEMALE ORGASM IS A
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BEAUTIFUL AND MYSTERIOUS THING.
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IT'S LIKE SHE'S CALLING TO THE
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HOG.
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IN MY PANTS.
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ALRIGHT, SHOW SOME RESPECT.
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THAT'S ALABAMA'S STATE SONG.
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I'D RATHER WATCH HER HOST THE
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OSCARS THAN SETH MACFARLANE.
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AH.
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I HAD FOUR MORE SETH MACFARLANE
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JOKES.
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GONNA SAVE 'EM.
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THIS NEXT ONE'S ON YOU FOR NOT
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HAVING ANY UPPER BODY STRENGTH.
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>> THERE YOU GO.
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3-2-1.
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OH, MY GOD.
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HIS EAR BUDS ARE IN SO MAYBE HE
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DOESN'T KNOW HOW LOUD HE'S
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DYING.
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A TRUE FRIEND WOULD KICK HIM IN
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THE NUTS RIGHT NOW.
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>> OH, MY GOD.
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I'M SO DIZZY.
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NO, NO, YOU'RE NOT DIZZY.
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THAT'S JUST A SEVERE
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CONCUSSION.
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IT WILL STOP IN A FEW YEARS WHEN
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YOU SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE CHEST.
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JUST ASK YOUR MOM, GRAPE STOMP
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LADY.
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HERE'S A NICE CHANGE AFTER
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WATCHING THE MIAMI DOLPHINS HAVE
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A SEASON LONG ABORTION.
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[ MUSIC ]
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AT LEAST HER BLOWHOLE IS STILL
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NICE AND TIGHT.
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FOR AN EXTRA 10 DOLLARS YOU CAN
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SWIM IN THE AFTERBIRTH ZONE.
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LOOK AT ALL THE DOLPHIN STUFF
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THEY CAN DO RIGHT AWAY.
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GET IT TOGETHER, HUMAN BABIES.
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AH.
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THE TRIBE ATE WELL THAT NIGHT,
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MY FRIENDS!
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WANT TO SEE A COUPLE HUNDRED
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ASIAN BOYS GO THROUGH PUBERTY AT
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THE EXACT SAME MOMENT?
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[ MUSIC ]
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OKAY.
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IF I KNOW ASIA LIKE I THINK I
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KNOW ASIA, A COUPLE OF THOSE
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CHICKS HAVE WIENERS.
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DON'T GET TOO COCKY, LADIES.
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THEY REACTED THE SAME WAY WHEN
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APPLE MOVED THE HEADPHONE
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JACK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE IPHONE
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5.
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IT'S GONNA BE A LONG NIGHT FOR
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THE SCHOOL JANITOR.
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A SURE-FIRE WAY TO CALM THOSE
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KIDS DOWN IS TO HIRE SETH
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MACFARLANE TO HOST THAT SHOW.
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WHAT'S NEXT?
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>> I'M TALKING WITH BILL WHO IS
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WITH KILLACYCLE.
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THE WORLD'S QUICKEST DRAG BIKE.
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THEY'RE SAFER THAN ANYTHING ELSE
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OUT THERE.
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HE'S GOING TO DO A BURNOUT FOR
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US.
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MAN AND MACHINE IN PERFECT
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HARMONY.
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LET'S FIND OUT IF THE KILLACYCLE
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LIVES UP TO ITS NAME IN THIS
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WEEK'S BREAKDOWN.
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[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT
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MOTORCYCLES, BUT A SIDEWALK
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CANNOT BE THE BEST PLACE TO
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BREAK THE LAND SPEED RECORD.
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ALRIGHT.
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NO PROTECTIVE LEATHER CLOTHING?
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CHECK.
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NO HELMET?
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CHECK.
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UNATHLETIC SCIENTIST?
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CHECK.
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WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?
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OH, GOT AWAY FROM HIM A LITTLE
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THAT IS ONE TOUCHY THROTTLE.
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FOR HIS SAKE I HOPE HE SHOT BACK
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TO 1955.
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BACK WHEN PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY
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ENJOY A SETH MACFARLANE MUSICAL
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NUMBER.
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OKAY.
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I CAN'T TELL IF THAT WAS THE
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SOUND BARRIER OR HIS LEGS BEING
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SHATTERED.
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HE WOULD HAVE BEEN SAFER SITTING
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IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
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THAT'S WHY IT'S NOT CALLED THE
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TOTALLY-EASY-TORIDE-A-CYCLE.
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THANK GOODNESS HE T-BONED A
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PARKED CAR.
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OTHERWISE, HE'D BE HALFWAY TO
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SEATTLE BY NOW.
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HEY, THAT REMINDS ME.
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COMEDY CENTRAL ONCE BOUGHT
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CARLOS MENCIA A CUSTOM CHOPPER
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FOR OVER A HUNDRED AND FIFTY
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GRAND.
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THAT'S THE APPROPRIATE RESPONSE.
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OH, WHAT A BLOW TO THE
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SCIENTIFIC COMMUNITY.
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MURDERED BY HIS OWN CREATION,
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JUST LIKE DAVE THOMAS.
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GOD DARN YOU, SOURDOUGH BACON
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CHEESEBURGER!
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YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
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THAT'S ME WITH DAVE.
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WE WERE LIKE THIS.
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RELAX.
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IF ANYONE HAD ACTUALLY DIED IN
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THIS VIDEO FOX NEWS WOULD'VE
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SHOWN IT FIRST.
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NOW, LAY STILL FOR THE CHALK
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OUTLINE.
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OH, I'M SURE HE'D GIVE US A
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THUMBS-UP IF HIS BRAIN COULD
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STILL SEND SIGNALS TO HIS ARMS.
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TOO BAD THERE ISN'T A MUCH
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FASTER VEHICLE THAT COULD WHISK
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HIM AWAY TO THE HOSPITAL.
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JUST REMEMBER THAT HIS
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EXPERIENCE IS NOT TYPICAL AND
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MOST INVENTIONS ARE NOT
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SUCCESSFUL.
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AND FOR THAT, WE THANK YOU,
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INVENT HELP.
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WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST,
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IT'S YOUR DICK OF THE WEEK.
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[ LAUGHTER ]
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>> BACK IN '96, YES.
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WE WERE ALL JOKING AND WEARING
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COMPLETELY SOGGY UNDERWEAR.
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>> WELL, I WOKE UP TO GO GET ME
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A COLD POP AND I THOUGHT
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SOMEBODY WAS BARBECUING.
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I SAID OH, LORD JESUS, IT'S A
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FIRE, AND I RAN OUT.
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I DIDN'T GRAB NO SHOES OR
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NOTHING, JESUS.
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I RAN FOR MY LIFE, AND THEN THE
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SMOKE GOT ME.
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I GOT BRONCHITIS.
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AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
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HMM.
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LET'S PRAY SHE DIDN'T LOSE HER
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SECRET PANCAKE RECIPE IN THE
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BLAZE.
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THAT SURVIVOR IS SWEET BROWN,
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AND THE KFOR NEWS TEAM STRUCK
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BLACK GOLD WHEN THEY INTERVIEWED
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HER ABOUT AN APARTMENT FIRE.
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I DON'T KNOW WHAT FIRE IS MADE
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OF.
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HELL, NOBODY DOES.
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ALL I KNOW IS THAT FIRE IS
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AWESOME.
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I'M NOT A PYROMANIAC, BUT I AM A
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PYROENTHUSIAST.
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AND CONTRARY TO WHAT THE KINGS
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OF LEON MAY TELL YOU, IF YOUR
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SEX IS ON FIRE, YOU HAVE
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CHLAMYDIA AND YOU SHOULD
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PURCHASE SOME TOPICAL CREAM.
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AND PLEASE STOP OFFERING
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INSURANCE MONEY EVERY TIME A
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FIRE "MYSTERIOUSLY" BREAKS OUT.
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ARSON IS A SERIOUS CRIME AND/OR
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A GREAT WAY TO MAKE A QUICK
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HUNDRED GRAND.
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YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL BAD FOR?
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ANYONE WHO HAS TO WATCH THE
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OSCARS THIS YEAR.
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YES, BUT ALSO BURN VICTIMS.
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THEY ARE ALWAYS RUNNING OUT OF
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ALOE VERA, AND IT'S A HUGE PAIN
254
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TO CONSTANTLY HAVE TO GO TO THE
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DRUG STORE.
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I'M STILL AMAZED PEOPLE GET PAID
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TO PUT OUT FIRES.
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WE ALL KNOW THE SECRET FORMULA
259
00:09:00,900 --> 00:09:01,900
-- FIRE PLUS WATER EQUALS NO
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FIRE.
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JUST GIVE EVERYONE THEIR
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OWN HOSE.
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SWEET BROWN ONLY WANTED A COLD
264
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:09,770
POP WHEN THE SMOKE GOT HER.
265
00:09:09,767 --> 00:09:11,797
THAT'S WHY I FLEW HER TO SOCAL
266
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:13,130
WHERE WE DEFY GOD'S WILL BY
267
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:14,573
PUTTING OUT THE WILDFIRES HE
268
00:09:14,567 --> 00:09:15,627
SENDS TO CLEANSE US OF OUR SINS
269
00:09:15,633 --> 00:09:19,703
FOR THIS WEEK'S WEB REDEMPTION.
270
00:09:19,700 --> 00:09:21,830
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
271
00:09:21,833 --> 00:09:23,273
>> SWEET BROWN.
272
00:09:23,267 --> 00:09:24,797
THANKS FOR MEETING ME HERE.
273
00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,370
CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAPPENED.
274
00:09:26,367 --> 00:09:28,727
>> CAN YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE
275
00:09:28,733 --> 00:09:29,073
HAND.
276
00:09:29,067 --> 00:09:30,697
>> DROP DOWN, SHUT EMDOWN, OPEN
277
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:31,230
UP SHOT.
278
00:09:31,233 --> 00:09:38,403
>> THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DMX SONG.
279
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:44,500
>> OH, LORD JESUS.
280
00:09:44,500 --> 00:09:45,930
IS THIS NORMAL?
281
00:09:45,933 --> 00:09:48,533
>> EVER SINCE 9/11 THEY GET A
282
00:09:48,533 --> 00:09:53,973
LITTLE SKITTISH BEFORE EVERY
283
00:09:53,967 --> 00:09:54,267
CALL.
284
00:09:54,267 --> 00:09:56,067
>> SWEET BROWN, HOW DID YOU GET
285
00:09:56,067 --> 00:09:56,467
THAT NAME?
286
00:09:56,467 --> 00:09:58,227
>> WELL, MY MAMA GAVE IT TO ME.
287
00:09:58,233 --> 00:10:00,333
>> HOW LONG AGO WAS THAT VIDEO?
288
00:10:00,333 --> 00:10:01,673
>> IT'S BEEN SINCE APRIL.
289
00:10:01,667 --> 00:10:02,727
>> OKAY.
290
00:10:02,733 --> 00:10:03,703
WALK ME THROUGH EVERYTHING THAT
291
00:10:03,700 --> 00:10:04,330
HAPPENED THAT DAY.
292
00:10:04,333 --> 00:10:07,533
>> I WAS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW,
293
00:10:07,533 --> 00:10:08,973
I THOUGHT SOMEBODY WAS
294
00:10:08,967 --> 00:10:10,927
BARBECUING, AND I SAID OH, LORD
295
00:10:10,933 --> 00:10:11,633
JESUS, IT'S A FIRE.
296
00:10:11,633 --> 00:10:13,103
>> WHAT TIME OF DAY WAS THIS?
297
00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:15,430
>> IT WAS 3:30 IN THE MORNING.
298
00:10:15,433 --> 00:10:17,303
>> WHY DID YOU THINK THERE WAS A
299
00:10:17,300 --> 00:10:19,370
BARBECUE GOING ON AT 3:30 IN THE
300
00:10:19,367 --> 00:10:19,697
MORNING?
301
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:21,100
>> IT WAS THE DAY BEFORE EASTER.
302
00:10:21,100 --> 00:10:22,970
IT WAS 3:30 IN THE MORNING, LIKE
303
00:10:22,967 --> 00:10:23,697
MID MORNING.
304
00:10:23,700 --> 00:10:26,230
YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE, YOU KNOW,
305
00:10:26,233 --> 00:10:28,533
BARBECUE EARLY IN THE MORNING?
306
00:10:28,533 --> 00:10:29,103
>> OKAY.
307
00:10:29,100 --> 00:10:31,870
AND YOU SAID WHEN YOU WOKE UP
308
00:10:31,867 --> 00:10:33,097
YOU WERE GOING TO THE
309
00:10:33,100 --> 00:10:34,530
REFRIGERATOR TO GET YOURSELF
310
00:10:34,533 --> 00:10:35,603
SOME POP?
311
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:36,400
>> NO.
312
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:41,370
I WAS GOING TO THE GET A POP.
313
00:10:41,367 --> 00:10:43,797
>> I WERE YOU GETTING A POP IN
314
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:44,900
THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.
315
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:46,570
>> BECAUSE I WAS THIRSTY.
316
00:10:46,567 --> 00:10:49,727
>> YOU GOTTA GO WITH WATER,
317
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:50,633
SWEET BROWN.
318
00:10:50,633 --> 00:10:54,233
>> I DIDN'T WANT NO WATER.
319
00:10:54,233 --> 00:10:54,803
I WANT POP.
320
00:10:54,800 --> 00:10:56,730
>> CAN I OFFER YOU A POP?
321
00:10:56,733 --> 00:10:58,133
>> YES.
322
00:10:58,133 --> 00:10:59,073
I'M THIRSTY.
323
00:10:59,067 --> 00:11:00,067
>> HERE YOU GO.
324
00:11:00,067 --> 00:11:01,067
WHAT KIND YOU WANT?
325
00:11:01,067 --> 00:11:03,097
>> SPRITE, BABY, SPRITE.
326
00:11:03,100 --> 00:11:04,370
>> HERE'S A GRAPE CRUSH.
327
00:11:04,367 --> 00:11:07,497
>> WHAT TIME DID THE FIRE START?
328
00:11:07,500 --> 00:11:09,430
>> THE WOMAN HAD A HOVER ROUND
329
00:11:09,433 --> 00:11:11,273
AND SHE WAS TRYING SOME CHICKEN.
330
00:11:11,267 --> 00:11:13,067
I GUESS THE HOVER ROUND WENT
331
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:13,327
DEAD.
332
00:11:13,333 --> 00:11:14,803
>> THAT'S A PERFECT STORM FOR A
333
00:11:14,800 --> 00:11:15,100
FIRE.
334
00:11:15,100 --> 00:11:16,500
>> IT WAS LIKE A FIRE STORM.
335
00:11:16,500 --> 00:11:18,370
SHE COULDN'T MAKE IT TO THE
336
00:11:18,367 --> 00:11:19,697
STOVE TO GET THE CHICKEN.
337
00:11:19,700 --> 00:11:21,670
>> YOU KNOW I HAVE AN ISSUE WITH
338
00:11:21,667 --> 00:11:23,597
HER MAKING CHICKEN THIS LATE AT
339
00:11:23,600 --> 00:11:23,900
NIGHT.
340
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:26,770
>> I BET YOU AIN'T GOING TO EAT
341
00:11:26,767 --> 00:11:28,967
NO MORE CHICKEN, NOT IF IT'S
342
00:11:28,967 --> 00:11:29,767
FROM KFC.
343
00:11:29,767 --> 00:11:31,267
>> DID YOU GET OUT IN PLENTY OF
344
00:11:31,267 --> 00:11:32,327
TIME BEFORE THE FIRE GOT YOU?
345
00:11:32,333 --> 00:11:34,073
>> YOU KNOW, I WAS RUNNING FOR
346
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:36,167
MY LIFE, AND I FORGOT MY DADDY.
347
00:11:36,167 --> 00:11:37,897
>> YOU REALIZE THAT YOU HAD LEFT
348
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:38,970
SOMEONE BACK IN THE APARTMENT?
349
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:40,867
>> YEAH, MY DADDY WAS IN THE
350
00:11:40,867 --> 00:11:41,197
CLOSET.
351
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:42,730
>> WHY WAS YOUR DADDY IN THE
352
00:11:42,733 --> 00:11:43,073
CLOSET?
353
00:11:43,067 --> 00:11:44,927
IN THIS DAY AND AGE, HE TIME TO
354
00:11:44,933 --> 00:11:45,333
COME OUT.
355
00:11:45,333 --> 00:11:48,533
>> HE CREMATED.
356
00:11:48,533 --> 00:11:49,673
>> DADDY MADE IT OUT.
357
00:11:49,667 --> 00:11:51,097
>> HE COULD MAKE IT OUT.
358
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,900
HE CREMATED IN THE FIRE.
359
00:11:52,900 --> 00:11:54,700
>> YOU CAN'T BE CREMATED TWICE.
360
00:11:54,700 --> 00:11:57,330
>> HE CAN'T GOT NO SMOKE DAMAGE
361
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,133
OR NOTHING.
362
00:11:59,133 --> 00:12:00,933
DADDY ALL RIGHT.
363
00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:04,373
>> HAVE YOU EVER SEEN THE MOVIE
364
00:12:04,367 --> 00:12:04,767
BACKDRAFT.
365
00:12:04,767 --> 00:12:07,497
>> ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT WITH
366
00:12:07,500 --> 00:12:08,600
BILL PAXTON?
367
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:09,100
>> YEAH.
368
00:12:09,100 --> 00:12:09,900
>> I CRIED.
369
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:11,170
>> ARE YOU SURPRISED THAT THE
370
00:12:11,167 --> 00:12:12,497
VIDEO BECAME SO POPULAR?
371
00:12:12,500 --> 00:12:14,170
>> I WAS SO SURPRISED WHEN YOU
372
00:12:14,167 --> 00:12:16,067
SEE MY SON IN THE BACK LIKE OH,
373
00:12:16,067 --> 00:12:16,767
MY GOD.
374
00:12:16,767 --> 00:12:17,427
BABY, I GOT THIS.
375
00:12:17,433 --> 00:12:19,173
>> THAT YOUR SON IN THE BACK.
376
00:12:19,167 --> 00:12:19,767
>> THAT WAS MY SON.
377
00:12:19,767 --> 00:12:21,567
>> BECAUSE HE KEPT WALKING BACK
378
00:12:21,567 --> 00:12:21,967
AND FORTH.
379
00:12:21,967 --> 00:12:23,497
>> LIKE A CRAZY PERSON BACK
380
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:23,800
THERE.
381
00:12:23,800 --> 00:12:26,400
>> MAMA, DON'T DO THIS.
382
00:12:26,400 --> 00:12:27,070
BABY, I GOT THIS.
383
00:12:27,067 --> 00:12:30,227
>> YOU DON'T CAMP, I DON'T CAMP.
384
00:12:30,233 --> 00:12:31,873
SMOKY THE BEAR IS FOR FOREST
385
00:12:31,867 --> 00:12:32,197
FIRES.
386
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,800
WE NEED A MASCOT FOR THE URBAN
387
00:12:35,800 --> 00:12:38,070
COMMUNITY TO TEACH EVERYONE IN
388
00:12:38,067 --> 00:12:39,097
THE CITY ABOUT THE DANGERS OF
389
00:12:39,100 --> 00:12:40,270
FIRE AND I THINK IT SHOULD BE
390
00:12:40,267 --> 00:12:40,527
YOU.
391
00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:42,373
>> I WANT IT TO BE LIKE A CAMP
392
00:12:42,367 --> 00:12:44,397
FIRE GROUND AND ME AND MY LITTLE
393
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:45,370
ANIMATED ANIMALS.
394
00:12:45,367 --> 00:12:47,897
WE WALK IN AND I'M LIKE OOH,
395
00:12:47,900 --> 00:12:48,600
SOMEBODY BARBECUING.
396
00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:49,830
>> WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
397
00:12:49,833 --> 00:12:51,703
>> BUT I WANT LITTLE ANIMATED
398
00:12:51,700 --> 00:12:52,070
ANIMALS.
399
00:12:52,067 --> 00:12:53,297
>> WE'RE NOT GOING TO DO
400
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:54,170
ANIMATED ANIMALS.
401
00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:55,397
>> SWEET BROWN.
402
00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:56,230
>> WHY?
403
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,133
BECAUSE I WANT MY ANIMALS TO
404
00:12:58,133 --> 00:12:58,503
BURN UP.
405
00:12:58,500 --> 00:13:00,600
>> WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS.
406
00:13:00,600 --> 00:13:10,630
>> OKAY.
407
00:13:10,633 --> 00:13:12,873
>> THIS WATER IS FOR FIRE
408
00:13:12,867 --> 00:13:14,167
SPRAYING, NOT SIDEWALK CLEANING.
409
00:13:14,167 --> 00:13:15,267
THAT'S WASTEFUL.
410
00:13:15,267 --> 00:13:25,597
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
411
00:13:25,600 --> 00:13:28,230
THIS IS A PUBLIC SPACE, NOT YOUR
412
00:13:28,233 --> 00:13:28,603
FIREPLACE.
413
00:13:28,600 --> 00:13:30,630
THAT'S DANGEROUS.
414
00:13:30,633 --> 00:13:42,273
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THIS.
415
00:13:42,267 --> 00:13:42,567
WHOA!
416
00:13:42,567 --> 00:13:44,467
YOU'RE ABOUT TO BURN DOWN A
417
00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:45,967
WHOLE BLOCK.
418
00:13:45,967 --> 00:13:51,567
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
419
00:13:51,567 --> 00:13:59,097
>> BOOM CHAKALAKA.
420
00:13:59,100 --> 00:14:01,500
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
421
00:14:01,500 --> 00:14:03,230
THAT WAS ABOUT TO BE ON FIRE?
422
00:14:03,233 --> 00:14:06,973
>> YOU HAVE ENOUGH TO MELT THE
423
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:07,297
CLOTHES.
424
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:11,900
AIN'T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT.
425
00:14:11,900 --> 00:14:14,630
[APPLAUSE]
426
00:14:14,633 --> 00:14:15,403
THAT SWEET BROWN MONSTER RUINED
427
00:14:15,400 --> 00:14:15,930
MY GAMING CONSOLE!
428
00:14:15,933 --> 00:14:17,273
I TRIED BLOWING IN IT AND
429
00:14:17,267 --> 00:14:18,897
EVERYTHING.
430
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:19,600
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK, BUT FIRST
431
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,530
IT'S YOUR PUSSY OF THE WEEK.
432
00:14:20,533 --> 00:14:43,733
ALRIGHT.
433
00:14:43,733 --> 00:14:44,803
>> I LOST IT AGAIN.
434
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:46,200
THAT WAS A GOOD GAME.
435
00:14:46,200 --> 00:14:46,700
>> YEAH.
436
00:14:46,700 --> 00:14:48,470
THAT WAS A GOOD GAME.
437
00:14:48,467 --> 00:14:49,897
>> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I
438
00:14:49,900 --> 00:14:51,400
SURE FEEL LIKE SOME ICE CREAM.
439
00:14:51,400 --> 00:14:52,100
>> SURE.
440
00:14:52,100 --> 00:14:52,930
THAT SOUNDS GOOD.
441
00:14:52,933 --> 00:14:55,173
>> LET'S GO GET SOME.
442
00:14:55,167 --> 00:14:55,727
PAUSE IT FOR A SECOND.
443
00:14:55,733 --> 00:14:56,803
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE VIDEOS
444
00:14:56,800 --> 00:14:58,930
THAT'S SUPPOSED TO TEACH KIDS AN
445
00:14:58,933 --> 00:14:59,603
IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON. AND I
446
00:14:59,600 --> 00:15:00,530
THINK WE CAN ALL LEARN A LITTLE
447
00:15:00,533 --> 00:15:01,503
SOMETHING ABOUT MORALS AND
448
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:04,700
VALUES IF WE JUST KEEP WATCHING.
449
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:07,300
>> IS IT OKAY IF I ASK YOU
450
00:15:07,300 --> 00:15:07,670
SOMETHING?
451
00:15:07,667 --> 00:15:09,797
>> YEAH.
452
00:15:09,800 --> 00:15:10,100
SURE.
453
00:15:10,100 --> 00:15:12,070
>> UNCLE JOE, I THINK YOU'RE A
454
00:15:12,067 --> 00:15:14,897
GREAT PERSON, AND YOU'RE REALLY
455
00:15:14,900 --> 00:15:18,530
NICE, AND I LIKE YOU A LOT, BUT
456
00:15:18,533 --> 00:15:21,303
I GET A LITTLE BOTHERED WHEN YOU
457
00:15:21,300 --> 00:15:26,270
USE GOD'S NAME IN VAIN LIKE
458
00:15:26,267 --> 00:15:28,267
G-DAMMIT SO I WAS WONDERING IF
459
00:15:28,267 --> 00:15:29,767
YOU WOULD RESPECT MY FEELINGS
460
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,567
AND STOP SAYING THOSE THINGS.
461
00:15:31,567 --> 00:15:31,967
>> YEAH.
462
00:15:31,967 --> 00:15:32,797
I'M SORRY.
463
00:15:32,800 --> 00:15:34,570
I DIDN'T KNOW IT BOTHERED YOU.
464
00:15:34,567 --> 00:15:36,367
I WON'T SAY IT AGAIN.
465
00:15:36,367 --> 00:15:37,597
>> OKAY.
466
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:38,230
THANK YOU.
467
00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:39,133
I APPRECIATE IT.
468
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:41,073
>> SURE.
469
00:15:41,067 --> 00:15:41,627
SEE, THAT WASN'T SO BAD.
470
00:15:41,633 --> 00:15:45,173
BUT THERE'S NO WAY YOU WILL EVER
471
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:46,427
GUESS THE HUMONGOUS LEFT TURN TO
472
00:15:46,433 --> 00:15:47,833
CRAZYTOWN THAT THIS VIDEO IS
473
00:15:47,833 --> 00:15:50,073
ABOUT TO TAKE.
474
00:15:50,067 --> 00:15:51,697
>> ACTUALLY, I HAVE ONE MORE
475
00:15:51,700 --> 00:15:52,970
THING I HAVE TO MENTION.
476
00:15:52,967 --> 00:15:54,227
DO YOU REMEMBER YESTERDAY WHEN I
477
00:15:54,233 --> 00:15:57,703
WENT OUT TO WALK THE DOG?
478
00:15:57,700 --> 00:15:59,200
WELL, RIGHT BEFORE THAT I WAS ON
479
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:00,830
LINE CHATTING WITH MY FRIEND
480
00:16:00,833 --> 00:16:02,303
USING A WEB CAM.
481
00:16:02,300 --> 00:16:03,300
>> UH-HUH.
482
00:16:03,300 --> 00:16:05,800
>> AND I LEFT IT ON WHEN I WENT
483
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,470
OUT TO WALK THE DOG, AND MY
484
00:16:07,467 --> 00:16:10,127
FRIEND WAS ON LINE THE WHOLE
485
00:16:10,133 --> 00:16:13,333
ENTIRE TIME I WAS GONE.
486
00:16:13,333 --> 00:16:14,373
YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT
487
00:16:14,367 --> 00:16:16,167
THE WEB CAM BEING ON BECAUSE OF
488
00:16:16,167 --> 00:16:20,067
THE SCREEN SAVER, BUT SHE SAID
489
00:16:20,067 --> 00:16:22,297
THAT A FEW MINUTES AFTER I LEFT,
490
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:25,830
YOU CAME IN AND TOOK SOME
491
00:16:25,833 --> 00:16:27,333
UNDERWEAR FROM MY DRAWER AND PUT
492
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:29,073
THEM ON YOUR HEAD AND THEN YOU
493
00:16:29,067 --> 00:16:36,267
DROPPED YOUR PANTS AND TOUCHED
494
00:16:36,267 --> 00:16:36,627
YOURSELF.
495
00:16:36,633 --> 00:16:37,333
THIS IS A VERY STRANGE BASKIN
496
00:16:37,333 --> 00:16:42,233
ROBBINS COMMERCIAL.
497
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:44,173
RIGHT NOW I BET HE'S THINKING,
498
00:16:44,167 --> 00:16:45,067
"I'M GOING TO HAVE TO MURDER MY
499
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,067
NIECE.
500
00:16:47,067 --> 00:16:47,827
BUT FIRST, ANOTHER BITE OF ROCKY
501
00:16:47,833 --> 00:16:51,433
ROAD."
502
00:16:51,433 --> 00:16:54,103
>> THAT WAS UNCOOL.
503
00:16:54,100 --> 00:16:55,700
YOU NEED TO MAKE SURE THAT THAT
504
00:16:55,700 --> 00:16:58,800
NEVER HAPPENS AGAIN.
505
00:16:58,800 --> 00:17:01,900
I DON'T WANT TO EMBARRASS YOU
506
00:17:01,900 --> 00:17:03,230
UNNECESSARILY, AND I THINK WE'RE
507
00:17:03,233 --> 00:17:05,833
BOTH MATURE ENOUGH TO RESOLVE
508
00:17:05,833 --> 00:17:07,973
THIS, AND WE CAN KEEP THIS A
509
00:17:07,967 --> 00:17:09,897
PRIVATE MATTER IF YOU CAN
510
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,970
PROMISE ME THAT THIS WILL NEVER
511
00:17:11,967 --> 00:17:16,427
EVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
512
00:17:16,433 --> 00:17:17,973
>> I PROMISE IT WILL NEVER
513
00:17:17,967 --> 00:17:19,897
HAPPEN AGAIN.
514
00:17:19,900 --> 00:17:20,430
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
515
00:17:20,433 --> 00:17:21,203
THIS VIDEO SENDS OUT THE
516
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:22,670
COMPLETE WRONG MESSAGE.
517
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:23,597
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO REPORT YOUR
518
00:17:23,600 --> 00:17:24,470
PEDOPHILE UNCLE TO THE POLICE
519
00:17:24,467 --> 00:17:26,767
IMMEDIATELY, NOT ASK NICELY FOR
520
00:17:26,767 --> 00:17:27,767
HIM TO STOP RIFLING THROUGH YOUR
521
00:17:27,767 --> 00:17:30,197
PANTY DRAWER.
522
00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,500
GETTING ICE CREAM IS NOT THE
523
00:17:31,500 --> 00:17:33,070
RIGHT TIME TO HAVE A SERIOUS
524
00:17:33,067 --> 00:17:34,497
CONVERSATION.
525
00:17:34,500 --> 00:17:36,200
THAT'S LIKE ME TAKING MY FAMILY
526
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,270
TO DISNEY AND TELLING THEM, I
527
00:17:37,267 --> 00:17:38,227
KNOW THE WHEREABOUTS OF
528
00:17:38,233 --> 00:17:38,933
NATALEE HOLLOWAY RIGHT BEFORE
529
00:17:38,933 --> 00:17:41,233
THE TOWER OF TERROR DROPS.
530
00:17:41,233 --> 00:17:42,233
THAT'S LIKE HAVING A PICNIC IN
531
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:48,733
THE PARK WITH MY GIRLFRIEND AND
532
00:17:48,733 --> 00:17:54,973
LOOK, HONEY.
533
00:17:54,967 --> 00:17:58,067
[ MUSIC ]
534
00:17:58,067 --> 00:18:01,127
>> I [BLEEP] YOUR SISTER LAST
535
00:18:01,133 --> 00:18:01,433
NIGHT.
536
00:18:01,433 --> 00:18:03,973
>> WHAT?
537
00:18:03,967 --> 00:18:07,497
>> SHHHH.
538
00:18:07,500 --> 00:18:09,130
>> I'LL BE OUT IN A SECOND.
539
00:18:09,133 --> 00:18:10,373
>> WHILE YOU'RE SITTING DOWN,
540
00:18:10,367 --> 00:18:11,767
I'VE GOT SOME BAD NEWS FOR YOU.
541
00:18:11,767 --> 00:18:18,227
YOUR SON DIDN'T SURVIVE THE
542
00:18:18,233 --> 00:18:18,633
OPERATION.
543
00:18:18,633 --> 00:18:22,403
HANG IN THERE.
544
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:23,170
I DIDN'T TOUCH MY PENIS, BECAUSE
545
00:18:23,167 --> 00:18:23,897
LIKE MOST DOCTORS, I DON'T LIKE
546
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:24,500
TO WASH MY HANDS BETWEEN
547
00:18:24,500 --> 00:18:25,730
SURGERIES.
548
00:18:25,733 --> 00:18:26,503
APPARENTLY THIS SHOW STILL HAS A
549
00:18:26,500 --> 00:18:27,730
VIEWER VIDEO SEGMENT.
550
00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:28,673
SO, DON'T FORGET TO GO TO OUR
551
00:18:28,667 --> 00:18:30,267
BLOG AND UPLOAD A CLIP. THIS
552
00:18:30,267 --> 00:18:30,897
WEEK'S WINNER COMES TO US
553
00:18:30,900 --> 00:18:35,630
FROM JASON HORTON.
554
00:18:35,633 --> 00:18:37,573
>> SURE, LET ME GET YOU SOME
555
00:18:37,567 --> 00:18:38,067
COFFEE.
556
00:18:38,067 --> 00:18:38,327
HERE.
557
00:18:38,333 --> 00:18:39,633
THANK YOU.
558
00:18:39,633 --> 00:18:40,733
WAIT A MINUTE.
559
00:18:40,733 --> 00:18:51,273
DID YOU SPIT IN THIS?
560
00:18:51,267 --> 00:18:51,527
NO.
561
00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:52,273
I LIKE MY COFFEE LIKE I LIKE MY
562
00:18:52,267 --> 00:18:58,367
WOMEN.
563
00:18:58,367 --> 00:18:59,067
I DON'T LIKE COFFEE.
564
00:18:59,067 --> 00:18:59,697
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
565
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:00,470
ALLEN KING: INSIDE THE COMEDY
566
00:19:00,467 --> 00:19:09,897
MIND.
567
00:19:09,900 --> 00:19:10,330
WELCOME BACK.
568
00:19:10,333 --> 00:19:12,773
HOW'S YOUR PALEO DIET GOING?
569
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,467
YEAH, TEXT ME.
570
00:19:14,467 --> 00:19:15,527
LAST WEEK I INTRODUCED THE WORLD
571
00:19:15,533 --> 00:19:16,433
TO
572
00:19:16,433 --> 00:19:17,133
SHOT.0'.
573
00:19:17,133 --> 00:19:18,273
AND ASKED MY FANS TO COME UP
574
00:19:18,267 --> 00:19:18,967
WITH SOME SHOTS OF THEIR OWN.
575
00:19:18,967 --> 00:19:19,597
SURPRISE, SURPRISE.
576
00:19:19,600 --> 00:19:20,200
IT TURNS OUT YOU ARE ALL
577
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:30,330
ALCOHOLICS.
578
00:19:30,333 --> 00:19:50,573
[ MUSIC ]
579
00:19:50,567 --> 00:19:53,397
>> OH OH, IT WENT UP HIS NOSE.
580
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:54,600
>> OH, NO.
581
00:19:54,600 --> 00:20:06,500
>> OH, NO.
582
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:13,330
>> TOSH.O.
583
00:20:13,333 --> 00:20:14,273
MAYBE NOT OUR BEST IDEA.
584
00:20:14,267 --> 00:20:15,027
I KEEP FORGETTING HOW YOUNG OUR
585
00:20:15,033 --> 00:20:16,573
DEMO IS.
586
00:20:16,567 --> 00:20:17,427
NEXT WEEK WE GIVE THIS CHICK A
587
00:20:17,433 --> 00:20:19,673
HAND.
588
00:20:19,667 --> 00:20:21,527
>> AS YOU CAN SEE, I DON'T HAVE
589
00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:22,533
ANY ARMS.
590
00:20:22,533 --> 00:20:24,303
TODAY WE'RE GOING TO BE MAKING A
591
00:20:24,300 --> 00:20:27,200
PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY
592
00:20:27,200 --> 00:20:27,570
SANDWICH.
593
00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,427
THAT IS HOW YOU MAKE A PEANUT
594
00:20:29,433 --> 00:20:31,173
BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH.
595
00:20:31,167 --> 00:20:31,497
OKAY.
596
00:20:31,500 --> 00:20:32,230
JUST LIKE YOU, I ALREADY HAVE A
597
00:20:32,233 --> 00:20:33,873
TON OF QUESTIONS.
598
00:20:33,867 --> 00:20:34,927
FOLLOW ME ON TWITTER SO WE CAN
599
00:20:34,933 --> 00:20:35,833
LIVE CHAT DURING THE SHOW.
600
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,773
I RARELY USE CAPITAL LETTERS.
601
00:20:37,767 --> 00:20:39,697
CHECK OUT OUR BLOG AT
602
00:20:39,700 --> 00:20:40,600
TOSH.COMEDYCENTRAL.COM WHERE
603
00:20:40,600 --> 00:20:41,430
THERE IS A CONVENIENT LINK TO
604
00:20:41,433 --> 00:20:42,473
OUR STORE.
605
00:20:42,467 --> 00:20:43,397
AND DON'T FORGET TO SEE ME ON
606
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:44,300
TOUR.
607
00:20:44,300 --> 00:20:45,170
I'VE BEEN TOLD I'M EQUALLY GOOD
608
00:20:45,167 --> 00:20:46,597
LOOKING IN PERSON.
609
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:47,430
AND FINALLY, THE CAT'S OUT OF
610
00:20:47,433 --> 00:20:48,903
THE BAG.
611
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:50,030
I AM EXECUTIVE PRODUCING A SHOW
612
00:20:50,033 --> 00:20:51,703
CALLED BRICKLEBERRY.
613
00:20:51,700 --> 00:20:53,000
VARIETY CALLED IT "TIRESOME AND
614
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,200
TOO EAGER TOO OFFEND."
615
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,230
BUT THAT'S OUT OF CONTEXT.
616
00:20:56,233 --> 00:20:57,873
THE FULL ARTICLE WAS VERY
617
00:20:57,867 --> 00:20:59,797
NEGATIVE.
618
00:20:59,800 --> 00:21:03,770
>> HERE'S THIS WEEK'S SPOILER
619
00:21:03,767 --> 00:21:04,067
ALERT.
620
00:21:04,067 --> 00:21:04,767
A RUSSIAN DRUG CARTEL INVADES
621
00:21:04,767 --> 00:21:05,227
BRICKLEBERRY.
622
00:21:05,233 --> 00:21:05,633
GOODNIGHT.
623
00:21:05,633 --> 00:21:06,073
SLEEP TIGHT.
624
00:21:06,067 --> 00:21:06,767
AND I WILL BE DREAMING OF YOU
625
00:21:06,767 --> 00:21:08,367
WITH ALL MY MIGHT.
38719
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