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[APPLAUSE]
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>> THANK YOU.
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ALL RIGHT.
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STOP!
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DO YOU THINK HE'S BEING TICKLED
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BY THE GHOST OF MICHAEL JACKSON?
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> THIS IS "TOSH.O"!
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[CHEERS & APPLAUSE]
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>> NEED SOME LIKE DRAMATIC PULL
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BACK THERE.
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TODAY, ANDY DICK STOPS BY FOR
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WHAT SEEMS LIKE SEVEN HOURS.
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WE FINALLY TAKE CARE OF CHRIS
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CROCKER, THE LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE
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GUY.
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AND A SPECIAL APPEARANCE FROM A
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COP AND TWO GIRLS.
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I KNOW.
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LAST WEEK WE WERE OFF.
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AND CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,
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I WAS NOT DEAD.
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I WAS JUST HANGING OUT WITH JEFF
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GOLDBLUM AND HARRISON FORD.
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IT DOES SEEM LIKE A LOT OF
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CELEBRITIES HAVE BEEN DROPPING
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DEAD BUT NOT EVERYBODY HAS
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PASSED AWAY.
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HERE'S SOME CELEBRITIES STILL
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ALIVE.
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KURT LODER.
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REALLY!
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WOW!
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HAILEY JOEL OSMENT.
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I KNOW.
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SEEMS LIKE HIS STILL GROWING UP
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AWKWARDLY IN FRONT OF OUR EYES.
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GOOD OLD HACKSAW JIM DUGGAN IS
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WITH US.
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AND THE MICRO MACHINE GUY.
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AND I REGRET TO INFORM YOU, FRED
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DURST IS STILL ALIVE.
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NO ONE WILL RECOGNIZE YOU UNLESS
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YOU TURN YOUR HAT AROUND.
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HE PUTS HIS PITCHER ON A TWITTER
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ACCOUNT IN MEMORY OF MICHAEL
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JACKSON.
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WHEN I THINK OF HOW MANY
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CHILDREN HE HAS TOUCHED WITH HIS
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MUSIC.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> SORRY.
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IT'S JUST SO UNEXPECTED THAT HE
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DIED.
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I MEAN, I SAW HIM TWO WEEKS AGO
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JOGGING.
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HE LOOKED REALLY GOOD.
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I REMEMBER SAYING TO JEFF
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GOLDBLUM, IF I LOOK LIKE THAT AT
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50 --
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> TOO SOON?
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NOT LIKE I'M DOING JOKES ABOUT
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MY EX-GIRLFRIEND FROM DAVE AND
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BUSTERS.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> ANYONE?
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SOMEONE CLOSE TO MICHAEL JACKSON
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WAS IN THE INTERNET NEWS THIS
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WEEK.
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GARY COLEMAN.
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YEAH.
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I KNOW GARY COLEMAN IS NOT
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EMANUEL LEWIS, BUT IT'S CLOSE.
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HIS WIFE IS ARRESTED FROM
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BEATING HIM UP.
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SHE GOT FRUSTRATED WHEN SHE
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COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHAT GARY
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WAS TALKING ABOUT.
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[LAUGHTER]
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ALL RIGHT.
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LET'S GO TO CHURCH.
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>> LOOKS LIKE THEY'VE BEEN
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HITTING THE BLOOD OF CHRIST
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PRETTY HARD.
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LET'S HOW MANY COMMENTS WE CAN
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POST IN 20 SECONDS.
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JUST ANOTHER SUNDAY AT THE
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CRYSTAL METHODIST CHURCH.
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IT'S LIKE GOD IS TASERING THEM
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WITH LOVE.
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SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID
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PICTURE.
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SCIENTOLOGY IS THE CRAZY
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RELIGION.
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TRY FALLING ASLEEP IN THIS
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CHURCH.
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EVERYONE LOOK AT STACY.
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SHE'S IN THE ZONE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE KNEW THERE
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WAS SCOUTS IN THE CROWD.
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DID THE PASTOR SKIP BY US?
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THAT'S A RECORD, BY THE WAY.
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EIGHT COMMENTS.
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ALL RIGHT.
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LET'S CRANK IT UP A NOTCH WITH A
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NEW SEGMENT CALLED "ASIANS DOING
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CHRISTOPHER WALKEN IMPRESSIONS."
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>> GRAB A FREE WRENCH CHICKEN.
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HUNT IT DOWN WITH A KNIFE.
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>> KNIFE UNDER THE PILLOW,
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WAITING IN THE SHOWER.
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>> OH, OH.
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>> THAT'S SPOT ON.
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GOOD FOR YOU.
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>> THE ONE AND ONLY.
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>> ALL RIGHT.
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I DON'T MEAN TO BE A STICKLER,
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BUT I'M NOT SURE THAT LAST GUY
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WAS ASIAN.
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[LAUGHTER]
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>> WE GO TO THE FAVORITE'S NEW
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GAME SHOW, "IS IT RACIST?"
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>> LOOK AT THE CAM, MAN.
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YOU SEE BENJAMIN, FRANKLIN.
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THEM AIN'T NONE OF YOUR FRIENDS.
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>> IT'S NOT EASY, IS IT?
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IT MIGHT BE RACIST BUT MAYBE
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WE'RE RACIST FOR ASKING THIS.
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IN ANY CASE, WATCHING THIS
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INSPIRED ME TO MAKE A RESPONSE
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VIDEO.
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>> YOU'LL NOTICE CORPORATE
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CHECKING ACCOUNTS, HAVE A ROTH
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IRA, DIVERSIIED STOCK
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PORTFOLIOS.
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YOU CAN SEE I SET UP A TRUST
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FUND FOR MY NIECE AND NEPHEW.
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AND I DON'T WEAR ANY JEWELRY.
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I HAVE BEEN AGAINST DIAMONDS
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EVER SINCE THE U.N. RESOLUTION
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IN 2000.
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I DIGRESS.
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THIS IS CALLED A COLLEGE DEGREE.
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AND THIS IN MY WALLET IS MADE
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FROM FOAM LEATHER.
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NOTICE I HAVE TWO CREDIT CARDS.
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ONE FOR CORPORATE EXPENSES AND
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ONE FOR INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL.
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BE CAREFUL, TOO MANY CREDIT
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CARDS WILL RUIN YOUR CREDIT
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SCORE.
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I HAVE $47.
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THAT'S USED FOR TIPPING.
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TIPPING IS SOMETHING YOU DO WHEN
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SOMEONE PROVIDES YOU WITH A
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SERVICE.
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LIKE AT A RESTAURANT OR A HOTEL.
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BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M TOLD THAT
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PEOPLE THAT HAVE A LOT OF CHANGE
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AND CARRY TONS OF CASH TEND TO
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BE THE WORST TIPPERS.
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THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
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>> IS IT RACIST?
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YOU CAN VOTE.
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GO TO OUR WEBSITE,
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comedycentral.com/tosh.o/WHITES
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RULE.
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[LAUGHTER]
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I DON'T THINK THAT'S OUR REAL
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ADDRESS.
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MOVING ON.
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SUMMER IS IN FULL SWING.
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READY FOR THE ALL-STAR BREAK FOR
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BASEBALL?
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SOMETHING TELLS ME CINCINNATI'S
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MAYOR MALLORY DIDN'T GET THE
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NOTE.
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>> READY FOR A READY.
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>> OH, SOMEONE DOESN'T HAVE A
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DAD.
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NICE THROW, SWING STATE.
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LET'S USE AN INSTANT REPLAY TO
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EXAMINE THIS TOSS IN THIS WEEK'S
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BREAKDOWN.
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OH, MAYOR MALLORY, HAD TO BE
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FIRED UP.
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SUN OUT, STADIUM PACKED.
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NO RACE RIOTS IN THE DOWNTOWN
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AREA.
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HE WAS LIVING OUT A BOYHOOD
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DREAM.
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HE COCKS BACK, TAKES A STEP,
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SNEAKS IN A SECOND STEP JUST TO
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MAKE SURE THERE'S NO POWER
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BEHIND HIS THROW.
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FOR THE MATHELETES, THE MOUND IS
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60 FEET, SIX INCHES AWAY.
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HE GOT IN FRONT OF THE MOUND.
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AFTER TWO STEPS, NO MORE THAN 50
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FEET FROM HOME PLATE.
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THAT'S WHAT WE IN THE THROWING
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BUSINESS CALL NOT THAT FAR.
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HERE'S THE WINDUP.
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AT THIS POINT HE'S THINKING THE
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BALL IS STILL IN MY HANDS.
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I'M SURE I SHOULD HAVE LET GO BY
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NOW.
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AS LONG AS I DON'T RELEASE MY
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GRIP, I CAN TRY IT AGAIN.
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[BLEEP].
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TOO LATE.
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A LITTLE OFF COURSE.
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MAYBE I PUT SPIN AND IT WILL
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BREAK RIGHT.
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200 FEET OUTSIDE.
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AWESOME.
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WHAT DO YOU THINK THE MAYOR OF
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CLEVELAND WAS THINKING AFTER
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THAT?
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IF THAT'S ME, I'M THINKING IT'S
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A GOOD TIME TO INVADE
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CINCINNATI.
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WHAT'S THIS?
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FOR DIRTINESS, THE UMPIRE
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EJECTED THE MAYOR FROM A GAME
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THAT HE'S NOT REALLY PLAYING IN.
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AND I ASSUME THAT'S THE SAME UMP
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THAT TOSSED THIS VIDEO ONLINE
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FOR OUR ENJOYMENT.
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GOOD LOOKING OUT, BLUE!
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[APPLAUSE]
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THERE'S ONE VIDEO I HAVE ALWAYS
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WANTED TO PUT ON THIS SHOW.
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IT'S ONE OF THE INTERNET'S MOST
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POPULAR VIDEOS OF ALL TIME.
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BUT IT'S VILE CONTENT MAKES
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AIRING IT IMPOSSIBLE.
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SO LET'S DO THE NEXT BEST THING.
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LET'S RECORD THE BIGGEST EVER
242
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REACTION VIDEO TO IT.
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THAT'S RIGHT.
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STUDIO AUDIENCE, YOU'RE ABOUT TO
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MAKE YOUR TELEVISION DEBUT
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REACTING TO TWO GIRLS, ONE COP.
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[APPLAUSE]
248
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**
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>> WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
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CHRIS CROCKER.
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>> AND IS THERE ANYBODY OUT
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THERE MAKING FUN OF BRITNEY?
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AFTER ALL SHE'S BEEN THERE.
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ALL YOU PEOPLE CARE ABOUT IS
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READERS AND MAKING MONEY OFF OF
256
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HER.
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SHE'S A HUMAN!
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LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
259
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>> SOMEONE IS MENSTRUATING.
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CHRIS CROCKER HAS OTHER VIDEOS
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AND THEY'RE AWFUL.
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SEQUELS ALWAYS SUCK.
263
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IT'S LIKE SMOKING CRACK.
264
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THE FIRST TIME IT'S GREAT.
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YOU'RE ON TOP OF THE WORLD.
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MAYBE EVEN MARRY WHITNEY
267
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HOUSTON.
268
00:11:09,500 --> 00:11:12,670
BEFORE THAT, WHITNEY GETS TOO
269
00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:13,827
SKINNY AND NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR
270
00:11:13,833 --> 00:11:16,173
THE FOLLOW UP TO "MY
271
00:11:16,167 --> 00:11:16,597
PREROGATIVE."
272
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:18,730
THE POINT IS, NOTHING IS EVER AS
273
00:11:18,733 --> 00:11:22,403
GOOD AS THE ORIGINAL.
274
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,130
REMEMBER DAVID AS DENNIS?
275
00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,403
THIS KID IS UNBEARABLE WHEN HE'S
276
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:27,670
SOBER.
277
00:11:27,667 --> 00:11:30,327
SORRY, DAD.
278
00:11:30,333 --> 00:11:31,833
DAVID IS ONLY FUNNY WHEN HIS
279
00:11:31,833 --> 00:11:34,073
HIGH OUT OF HIS MIND.
280
00:11:34,067 --> 00:11:39,067
WHAT ABOUT THE NUMA NUMA GUY'S
281
00:11:39,067 --> 00:11:40,627
FOLLOW UP VIDEO?
282
00:11:40,633 --> 00:11:40,973
ENOUGH.
283
00:11:40,967 --> 00:11:42,127
I'M SICK OF IT.
284
00:11:42,133 --> 00:11:45,433
TWO SECONDS IN AND I'M OVER IT.
285
00:11:45,433 --> 00:11:47,303
AND THIS GUY SOLD OUT WORSE THAN
286
00:11:47,300 --> 00:11:49,730
THE BLACK EYED PEACE.
287
00:11:49,733 --> 00:11:51,073
IS IT'S POSSIBLE FOR LIGHTNING
288
00:11:51,067 --> 00:11:54,127
TO STRIKE TWICE ON THE INTERNET?
289
00:11:54,133 --> 00:11:56,073
DID ALL CHRIS' TEARS DRY UP?
290
00:11:56,067 --> 00:11:58,767
WE DECIDED TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE
291
00:11:58,767 --> 00:12:00,927
TO GET THAT GOAL IN THIS WEEK'S
292
00:12:00,933 --> 00:12:04,203
WEB REDEMPTION.
293
00:12:04,200 --> 00:12:05,900
>> CHRIS.
294
00:12:05,900 --> 00:12:06,300
>> HI.
295
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:07,130
>> TINA.
296
00:12:07,133 --> 00:12:07,673
>> TEEN WHATEVER.
297
00:12:07,667 --> 00:12:08,727
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
298
00:12:08,733 --> 00:12:11,433
>> NICE TO MEET YOU.
299
00:12:11,433 --> 00:12:12,933
>> SO YOU'RE STRAIGHT?
300
00:12:12,933 --> 00:12:14,073
LISTEN, WE HAVE A GREAT PLACE TO
301
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:14,927
DO AN INTERVIEW.
302
00:12:14,933 --> 00:12:16,603
I SET IT UP.
303
00:12:16,600 --> 00:12:17,500
I THINK IT WILL MAKE US BOTH
304
00:12:17,500 --> 00:12:18,630
FEEL VERY MUCH AT HOME.
305
00:12:18,633 --> 00:12:19,803
>> IN PRIVATE.
306
00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:21,770
>> VERY PRIVATE.
307
00:12:21,767 --> 00:12:24,127
KIND OF LIKE A SLUMBER PARTY.
308
00:12:24,133 --> 00:12:25,073
>> GIRL'S NIGHT.
309
00:12:25,067 --> 00:12:26,297
>> TELL ME HOW YOUR LIFE CHANGED
310
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:27,100
AFTER THAT VIDEO.
311
00:12:27,100 --> 00:12:30,130
>> ONE MORNING I GRABBED MY WEB
312
00:12:30,133 --> 00:12:31,833
CAMERA AS I ALWAYS DO WHEN I'M
313
00:12:31,833 --> 00:12:32,103
MAD.
314
00:12:32,100 --> 00:12:34,500
I FILMED IT IN FRONT OF MY
315
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:35,630
WINDOW WITH THE CURTAINS.
316
00:12:35,633 --> 00:12:37,433
>> AND YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT
317
00:12:37,433 --> 00:12:38,803
YOU FILMED IT UNDER YOUR
318
00:12:38,800 --> 00:12:39,170
CURTAINS?
319
00:12:39,167 --> 00:12:40,427
>> A LOT OF PEOPLE --
320
00:12:40,433 --> 00:12:43,073
>> WHAT THE -- AM I DOING WITH
321
00:12:43,067 --> 00:12:43,897
THIS -- SHEET?
322
00:12:43,900 --> 00:12:45,130
YOU THINK BRITNEY WANTS TO BE
323
00:12:45,133 --> 00:12:45,833
LEFT ALONE?
324
00:12:45,833 --> 00:12:46,473
>> NO.
325
00:12:46,467 --> 00:12:48,427
>> SO IT WAS JUST IN THE MOMENT?
326
00:12:48,433 --> 00:12:49,803
IT WASN'T FAKE THOUGH?
327
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:51,470
>> NO, IT WASN'T.
328
00:12:51,467 --> 00:12:57,067
>> DOES THE CARPET MATCH THE --
329
00:12:57,067 --> 00:12:59,497
>> I HAVE LEUKEMIA PUBES.
330
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,330
THERE'S NOTHING THERE.
331
00:13:01,333 --> 00:13:04,603
>> WHAT DO YOU THINK OF HEIDI
332
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,670
AND SPENCER?
333
00:13:06,667 --> 00:13:10,827
>> SHE'S A ROLE MODEL OF MINE.
334
00:13:10,833 --> 00:13:11,573
SHE'S THE --
335
00:13:11,567 --> 00:13:13,467
>> MAYBE A LITTLE MORE MASCULINE
336
00:13:13,467 --> 00:13:15,727
OR INTIMIDATING WHEN YOU'RE
337
00:13:15,733 --> 00:13:18,233
TELLING SOMEONE TO LEAVE PEOPLE
338
00:13:18,233 --> 00:13:19,633
ALONE, SWITCH IT UP.
339
00:13:19,633 --> 00:13:21,773
>> LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
340
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:22,727
>> LIKE THAT?
341
00:13:22,733 --> 00:13:23,603
>> NO.
342
00:13:23,600 --> 00:13:25,300
THAT'S TERRIFYING.
343
00:13:25,300 --> 00:13:31,200
I INVITED OVER A FAMOUS
344
00:13:31,200 --> 00:13:31,570
PAPARAZZO.
345
00:13:31,567 --> 00:13:32,197
FACE YOUR DEMONS.
346
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:33,670
TALK TO THEM.
347
00:13:33,667 --> 00:13:35,897
THIS PERSON IS FAMOUS FOR NOT
348
00:13:35,900 --> 00:13:36,730
LEAVING BRITNEY ALONE.
349
00:13:36,733 --> 00:13:37,973
COME ON IN.
350
00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:40,097
DANO IS THE ONE THAT TOOK THE
351
00:13:40,100 --> 00:13:41,400
PICTURE WHEN BRITNEY WAS
352
00:13:41,400 --> 00:13:43,430
FREAKING OUT WITH THE UMBRELLA.
353
00:13:43,433 --> 00:13:44,133
>> OKAY.
354
00:13:44,133 --> 00:13:45,703
HE'S THE ONE THAT I EXPOSED WHEN
355
00:13:45,700 --> 00:13:46,870
SHE WAS GOING THROUGH A HARD
356
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:47,167
TIME.
357
00:13:47,167 --> 00:13:47,527
>> YES.
358
00:13:47,533 --> 00:13:48,933
>> I'M SO EXCITED.
359
00:13:48,933 --> 00:13:50,103
IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO
360
00:13:50,100 --> 00:13:50,630
TELL HIM?
361
00:13:50,633 --> 00:13:52,133
>> NOT MUCH I WANT TO TELL HIM
362
00:13:52,133 --> 00:13:53,973
BUT A LOT I WANT TO DO TO HIM.
363
00:13:53,967 --> 00:13:54,597
>> OKAY.
364
00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:57,800
NOT IN MY HAPPY TENT.
365
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:01,430
DANO, DO YOU PROMISE NOT TO TAKE
366
00:14:01,433 --> 00:14:03,903
ANYMORE PHOTOS OF BRITNEY?
367
00:14:03,900 --> 00:14:04,430
>> NO.
368
00:14:04,433 --> 00:14:05,803
>> LEAVE HER ALONE.
369
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:06,200
RIGHT NOW.
370
00:14:06,200 --> 00:14:07,300
>> THIS WAS A BAD IDEA.
371
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:09,530
>> WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
372
00:14:09,533 --> 00:14:12,503
>> THAT'S OKAY.
373
00:14:12,500 --> 00:14:14,200
THAT'S GOOD FOR MY SHOW.
374
00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,670
I NEED THE PUBLICITY.
375
00:14:16,667 --> 00:14:19,227
IT'S BEEN A SLOW START.
376
00:14:19,233 --> 00:14:19,603
OKAY.
377
00:14:19,600 --> 00:14:20,970
NEED TO FIND SOMEONE NEW.
378
00:14:20,967 --> 00:14:21,927
>> YOU'RE RIGHT.
379
00:14:21,933 --> 00:14:24,803
>> I BROUGHT YOU SOME WARDROBE.
380
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:25,670
>> A SHIRT?
381
00:14:25,667 --> 00:14:26,567
>> YEAH.
382
00:14:26,567 --> 00:14:27,667
>> DO YOU MIND PUTTING THAT BACK
383
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:27,927
ON?
384
00:14:27,933 --> 00:14:29,303
>> I DON'T MIND.
385
00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:31,170
I'M GOING TO NEED THIS.
386
00:14:31,167 --> 00:14:36,327
I'M GOING TO NEED SOME PRIVACY.
387
00:14:36,333 --> 00:14:38,073
>> OKAY.
388
00:14:38,067 --> 00:14:38,867
>> WHY?
389
00:14:38,867 --> 00:14:40,667
>> WELL, THE WORLD WANTS TO
390
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:41,197
KNOW.
391
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,530
CHRIS, YOU READY TO GIVE ANOTHER
392
00:14:44,533 --> 00:14:45,233
SHOT?
393
00:14:45,233 --> 00:14:52,473
>> LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!
394
00:14:52,467 --> 00:14:53,167
PLEASE!
395
00:14:53,167 --> 00:14:54,867
LEAVE HER ALONE.
396
00:14:54,867 --> 00:14:59,127
>> WE KNOW WHO AMERICA NEEDS TO
397
00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:01,073
LEAVE ALONE NOW.
398
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,697
>> LEAVE HER ALONE RIGHT NOW.
399
00:15:03,700 --> 00:15:04,370
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO --
400
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:14,727
[APPLAUSE]
401
00:15:14,733 --> 00:15:16,703
[LAUGHTER]
402
00:15:16,700 --> 00:15:18,230
>> OKAY.
403
00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:20,603
WHAT YOU HAVE ALL WATCHED IS THE
404
00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:25,830
FIRST TELEVISED ENOUGH FILM.
405
00:15:25,833 --> 00:15:29,703
LIKE MOST INTERNET SNUFF VIDEOS
406
00:15:29,700 --> 00:15:31,070
YOU THINK IT WAS REAL.
407
00:15:31,067 --> 00:15:31,527
IT WAS FAKE.
408
00:15:31,533 --> 00:15:32,533
CHRIS IS A GOOD SPORT.
409
00:15:32,533 --> 00:15:33,673
HE'S STANDING OVER THERE.
410
00:15:33,667 --> 00:15:33,967
CHRIS?
411
00:15:33,967 --> 00:15:35,067
[APPLAUSE]
412
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:37,297
>> THANK YOU, CHRIS.
413
00:15:37,300 --> 00:15:37,870
TAKE A BOW.
414
00:15:37,867 --> 00:15:39,567
OR A CURTSEY.
415
00:15:39,567 --> 00:15:40,467
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANDY
416
00:15:40,467 --> 00:15:42,397
DICK.
417
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:46,500
>> AND NOW, IT'S TIME FOR THE
418
00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:49,070
PRANK OF THE WEEK.
419
00:15:49,067 --> 00:15:57,367
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY WATER?
420
00:15:57,367 --> 00:15:59,797
[BLEEP].
421
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:00,900
>> OH, MY GOD!
422
00:16:00,900 --> 00:16:02,600
>> AND THAT WAS THE PRANK OF THE
423
00:16:02,600 --> 00:16:07,770
WEEK BROUGHT TO YOU BY BURGER
424
00:16:07,767 --> 00:16:12,897
>> HELLO, PHOENIX ONLINE
425
00:16:12,900 --> 00:16:15,070
UNIVERSITY CLASS OF '09
426
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:15,427
GRADUATES.
427
00:16:15,433 --> 00:16:16,903
I WAS HONORED TO DELIVER YOUR
428
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:18,070
COMMENCEMENT ADDRESS.
429
00:16:18,067 --> 00:16:19,597
WHEN I LOOK OUT INTO THIS WEB
430
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,070
CAM, I'M REMINDED THAT EVERYBODY
431
00:16:21,067 --> 00:16:22,297
GOT HERE IN THEIR OWN WAY FOR
432
00:16:22,300 --> 00:16:23,570
SOME SAFARI.
433
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:25,367
FOR OTHERS, FIRE FOX.
434
00:16:25,367 --> 00:16:27,827
FOR A SELECT FEW IMMIGRANTS,
435
00:16:27,833 --> 00:16:30,603
HAND ME DOWN COMMUTERS, IT WAS
436
00:16:30,600 --> 00:16:31,070
NETSCAPE.
437
00:16:31,067 --> 00:16:34,097
ALL WITH ONE GOAL IN MIND.
438
00:16:34,100 --> 00:16:35,870
ALL TO TELL PEOPLE THAT YOU DO
439
00:16:35,867 --> 00:16:37,127
HAVE A COLLEGE DEGREE WITHOUT
440
00:16:37,133 --> 00:16:38,203
TELLING THEM FROM WHERE.
441
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:40,070
I REMEMBER WHEN GRADUATED FROM A
442
00:16:40,067 --> 00:16:40,867
REAL COLLEGE.
443
00:16:40,867 --> 00:16:42,327
IT WAS IN A ROOM WITH REAL
444
00:16:42,333 --> 00:16:44,833
PEOPLE AND MY FAMILY WASN'T
445
00:16:44,833 --> 00:16:45,233
EMBARRASSED.
446
00:16:45,233 --> 00:16:46,403
DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT THE DEGREE
447
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,700
YOU PRINTED.
448
00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:49,900
TACK IT UP ON YOUR CUBICAL WALL
449
00:16:49,900 --> 00:16:52,300
AND LOL WHEN PEOPLE MAKE FUN OF
450
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:53,200
IT.
451
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,270
BEFORE MY COMPUTER CRASHES, I'D
452
00:16:55,267 --> 00:16:57,497
LIKE TO APPLAUD THE 16% OF YOU
453
00:16:57,500 --> 00:16:59,670
THAT MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRE
454
00:16:59,667 --> 00:17:01,497
WALL.
455
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:04,630
UPDATE THE FACEBOOK STATUS TO
456
00:17:04,633 --> 00:17:07,073
COLLEGE GRADUATE.
457
00:17:07,067 --> 00:17:07,667
CONGRATULATIONS, GRADUATES!
458
00:17:07,667 --> 00:17:10,727
[APPLAUSE]
459
00:17:10,733 --> 00:17:12,973
>> MAYBE NEXT YEAR I'LL DO TRUCK
460
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:14,167
DRIVING SCHOOL.
461
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:14,927
ALL RIGHT.
462
00:17:14,933 --> 00:17:16,873
LIVE VIA WEB CHAT, PLEASE
463
00:17:16,867 --> 00:17:19,497
WELCOME ANDY DICK.
464
00:17:19,500 --> 00:17:19,800
ANDY?
465
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,100
>> I GIVE YOU THE 10.
466
00:17:22,100 --> 00:17:22,400
HELLO.
467
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,230
I CAN'T HEAR VERY WELL.
468
00:17:23,233 --> 00:17:24,433
HOW ARE YOU?
469
00:17:24,433 --> 00:17:25,403
>> I'M WELL.
470
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:28,870
HEY, I HEAR YOU HAVE AN OLD
471
00:17:28,867 --> 00:17:31,067
AUDITION TAPE OF YOURS FROM
472
00:17:31,067 --> 00:17:32,197
"NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2" THAT
473
00:17:32,200 --> 00:17:34,270
WE'RE GOING TO PLAY?
474
00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:34,827
YEAH?
475
00:17:34,833 --> 00:17:38,373
>> NO, NO.
476
00:17:38,367 --> 00:17:38,627
NO.
477
00:17:38,633 --> 00:17:41,403
I SENT SOMETHING CALLED "40
478
00:17:41,400 --> 00:17:43,630
MINUTES WITH ANDY."
479
00:17:43,633 --> 00:17:45,433
DON'T PLAY THE OTHER THING
480
00:17:45,433 --> 00:17:46,503
THAT -- I DON'T KNOW HOW THAT
481
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:47,470
LEAKED OUT THERE.
482
00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,497
>> YOU WALKED IT INTO MY OFFICE.
483
00:17:49,500 --> 00:17:50,830
>> IT'S EMBARRASSING.
484
00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:53,733
I'M LIKE THIS --
485
00:17:53,733 --> 00:17:55,673
>> IT WAS FOR THE ROLE OF
486
00:17:55,667 --> 00:17:57,597
HITLER, WHICH I'M SURE ISN'T IN
487
00:17:57,600 --> 00:17:59,400
THE MOVIE.
488
00:17:59,400 --> 00:18:02,130
HERE'S ANDY DICK'S AUDITION TAPE
489
00:18:02,133 --> 00:18:08,303
FOR "NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM 2."
490
00:18:08,300 --> 00:18:12,170
>> DO YOU THINK I HAVE -- I CAN
491
00:18:12,167 --> 00:18:14,367
DO THIS PART.
492
00:18:14,367 --> 00:18:19,927
>> IT'S LIKE -- HONESTLY.
493
00:18:19,933 --> 00:18:22,173
OKAY.
494
00:18:22,167 --> 00:18:26,367
ANDY DICK, FOR HITLER IN "NIGHT
495
00:18:26,367 --> 00:18:26,867
AT THE MUSEUM 2."
496
00:18:26,867 --> 00:18:28,827
I ALMOST SAID NIGHT AT THE
497
00:18:28,833 --> 00:18:29,133
JEWSY.
498
00:18:29,133 --> 00:18:30,103
DON'T FILM RIGHT NOW.
499
00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:33,300
I WANT TO SAY INAPPROPRIATE AND
500
00:18:33,300 --> 00:18:34,970
TOO SOON.
501
00:18:34,967 --> 00:18:36,497
TOO SOON WITH THE WHOLE LITTLER
502
00:18:36,500 --> 00:18:38,730
AND THE JEWS.
503
00:18:38,733 --> 00:18:41,073
I LIKE JEWS.
504
00:18:41,067 --> 00:18:46,527
I'M JUST -- MY AGENT IS JEWISH,
505
00:18:46,533 --> 00:18:48,273
MY CLEANING LADY IS JEWISH.
506
00:18:48,267 --> 00:18:48,627
STOP.
507
00:18:48,633 --> 00:18:50,233
I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT I'M NOT
508
00:18:50,233 --> 00:18:51,903
GOING TO DO SOME OF THESE LINES
509
00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:54,970
LIKE THIS ONE HERE.
510
00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:56,727
WHAT REASON?
511
00:18:56,733 --> 00:18:57,403
I'LL GIVE YOU SEVEN MILLION.
512
00:18:57,400 --> 00:18:59,430
[LAUGHTER]
513
00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:01,373
>> AND THEN THIS ONE.
514
00:19:01,367 --> 00:19:06,197
WHEN I CAN'T FIND SOMETHING, I
515
00:19:06,200 --> 00:19:13,900
ALWAYS CHECK THE ATTIC.
516
00:19:13,900 --> 00:19:17,400
[BLEEP].
517
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:19,530
>> WHO IS THE CAPTAIN?
518
00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:21,173
>> DONNA.
519
00:19:21,167 --> 00:19:24,067
>> THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M
520
00:19:24,067 --> 00:19:24,627
DOING HERE.
521
00:19:24,633 --> 00:19:26,073
>> YOU GO AND I'LL GO AFTER YOU.
522
00:19:26,067 --> 00:19:28,897
>> I NEED TWO MINUTES.
523
00:19:28,900 --> 00:19:30,700
>> YEAH.
524
00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,930
>> GIVE ME A HILE.
525
00:19:32,933 --> 00:19:38,773
[APPLAUSE]
526
00:19:38,767 --> 00:19:39,927
>> THANK YOU.
527
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,973
>> TO SEE MORE OF THE AUDITION,
528
00:19:41,967 --> 00:19:43,697
GO TO ADAM.COM.
529
00:19:43,700 --> 00:19:44,770
AND GO TO
530
00:19:44,767 --> 00:19:45,827
comedycentral.com/tosh.o TO
531
00:19:45,833 --> 00:19:47,073
UPLOAD YOUR OWN VIDEO FOR A
532
00:19:47,067 --> 00:19:49,567
CHANCE TO BE THE VIEWER OF THE
533
00:19:49,567 --> 00:19:50,127
WEEK.
534
00:19:50,133 --> 00:19:51,733
THIS WEEK'S SUBMISSION COMES
535
00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:53,473
FROM ACTIONPAL.COM.
536
00:19:53,467 --> 00:19:55,567
>> HOW MUCH IS IT?
537
00:19:55,567 --> 00:19:58,627
>> $14.
538
00:19:58,633 --> 00:20:03,273
>> THAT'S HIGH, RIGHT?
539
00:20:03,267 --> 00:20:04,597
>> YES.
540
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:07,730
>> GET SOME IN YOUR FACE.
541
00:20:07,733 --> 00:20:08,073
[BLEEP].
542
00:20:08,067 --> 00:20:08,567
>> THAT'S FUNNY.
543
00:20:08,567 --> 00:20:11,627
THANK YOU.
544
00:20:11,633 --> 00:20:13,973
WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE BATTLE
545
00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:19,027
BOTS.
546
00:20:19,033 --> 00:20:23,573
[APPLAUSE]
547
00:20:23,567 --> 00:20:26,327
>> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR
548
00:20:26,333 --> 00:20:26,803
WATCHING.
549
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:28,230
MAKE SURE YOU WATCH THE NEXT
550
00:20:28,233 --> 00:20:30,133
SHOW WHEN WE GIVE THE BALLOON
551
00:20:30,133 --> 00:20:31,333
GUY A WEB REDEMPTION.
552
00:20:31,333 --> 00:20:33,973
>> IT'S FAIR TO SAY THIS IS THE
553
00:20:33,967 --> 00:20:36,067
GREATEST MOMENT OF MY LIFE.
554
00:20:36,067 --> 00:20:37,627
>> I MADE A FRIEND FOR LIFE.
555
00:20:37,633 --> 00:20:39,673
MAKE SURE YOU GO TO OUR WEBSITE,
556
00:20:39,667 --> 00:20:45,327
TOO, WHERE WE HAVE OUR FINAL
557
00:20:45,333 --> 00:20:46,173
FLOWER SHOP VIDEO.
558
00:20:46,167 --> 00:20:47,967
AND NOW FOR THE MOST UNFORTUNATE
559
00:20:47,967 --> 00:20:50,197
DOMAIN NAME OF THE WEEK.
560
00:20:50,200 --> 00:20:52,930
IT GOES TO THE SCHAEFFLER GROUP
561
00:20:52,933 --> 00:20:55,003
AND THEIR WEBSITE, FAG.COM.
562
00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:57,370
THEY MAKE BALL BEARINGS.
563
00:20:57,367 --> 00:21:01,867
THEY WERE FOUNDED IN 1905.
564
00:21:01,867 --> 00:21:04,627
MAKE SURE YOU LOCK UP FAG.COM.
565
00:21:04,633 --> 00:21:05,473
GOOD CALL.
566
00:21:05,467 --> 00:21:07,067
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
567
00:21:07,067 --> 00:21:07,927
WE'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
34459
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