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1
00:00:03,771 --> 00:00:06,541
MOM, I'M FREAKING OUT.
2
00:00:06,574 --> 00:00:07,884
I FIND OUT TODAY
IF NATALIE'S A CANDIDATE
3
00:00:07,908 --> 00:00:09,878
FOR THE GIFTED
MAGNET SCHOOL PROGRAM.
4
00:00:09,910 --> 00:00:11,580
MMM!
I MEAN, IF SHE GETS IN,
5
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,082
SHE'LL GET AN AMAZING
AND FREE EDUCATION,
6
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:16,515
PLUS IT PUTS YOU ON TRACK
FOR ALL THE BEST COLLEGES.
7
00:00:16,550 --> 00:00:19,190
DID I JUST EAT
A CHICKEN'S ASS?
8
00:00:19,220 --> 00:00:20,850
MY BROTHER AND I
USED TO FIGHT OVER THOSE.
9
00:00:20,888 --> 00:00:22,518
FUN. (smacks lips) UGH.
10
00:00:22,556 --> 00:00:25,226
(bottles rattle)
NATALIE IS SO TALENTED,
11
00:00:25,259 --> 00:00:27,499
AND THESE DAYS, YOU HAVE
TO HAVE A PLAN FOR YOUR KID,
12
00:00:27,528 --> 00:00:29,098
OTHERWISE YOU COULD END UP
WITH AN EDUCATION
13
00:00:29,130 --> 00:00:31,370
BASED ON, OH, I DON'T KNOW.
14
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,329
GEOGRAPHIC CONVENIENCE.
15
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:37,237
THANK YOU, SISTERS, FOR LETTING
POLLY ENROLL MID-YEAR.
(bell tolls)
16
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,371
AND SHE'S JEWISH,
BUT SHE'LL PLAY ALONG.
17
00:00:39,407 --> 00:00:41,877
THIS IS GONNA BE
MY VIETNAM.
18
00:00:41,909 --> 00:00:43,109
(bell tolls)
(murmuring)
19
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:44,784
I WAS BLAMED EVERY DAY
AT LUNCH
20
00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:46,412
FOR THE DEATH
OF THEIR SAVIOR.
21
00:00:46,447 --> 00:00:49,217
(sighs) ALL I KNOW IS
IF THERE IS AN ORANGE FOLDER
22
00:00:49,250 --> 00:00:50,880
IN THAT BACKPACK,
IT MEANS SHE IS ELIGIBLE.
23
00:00:50,918 --> 00:00:52,448
THIS COULD BE LIFE-CHANGING.
24
00:00:52,486 --> 00:00:54,186
I MEAN, LIKE WHEN CHARLIE BUCKET
FINDS THAT GOLDEN TICKET
25
00:00:54,222 --> 00:00:55,722
IN "WILLY WONKA,"
AND THEN GRANDPA JOE DANCES
26
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:58,026
OUT OF THAT GROSS
OLD-PEOPLE BED LIKE THAT.
27
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,128
WELL, SHE'S DEFINITELY
GONNA GET IN.
28
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:01,360
SHE'S A BRILLIANT GENIUS.
29
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:04,095
AT LONG LAST,
IT'S HAPPENED.
30
00:01:04,132 --> 00:01:09,072
I HAVE FINISHED...
"MY VERY OWN BROOKLYN."
AAH!
31
00:01:09,103 --> 00:01:11,873
OH!
THAT'S FANTASTIC! OH!
32
00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:13,605
(Polly) MY STEPFATHER MAX
HAS BEEN OBSESSED
33
00:01:13,641 --> 00:01:14,881
WITH WRITING
AN AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL PLAY
34
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:17,478
FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS.
35
00:01:17,511 --> 00:01:20,451
THE CUCKOO CLOCK IS A METAPHOR
FOR HIS CHILDHOOD.
36
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:21,721
CUCKOO CLOCK.
37
00:01:21,749 --> 00:01:24,549
HIS BEARD HAD COME IN,
BUT DEEP INSIDE,
38
00:01:24,585 --> 00:01:27,455
HE WAS STILL
THE SCARED LITTLE BOY.
39
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,818
THANK YOU, DARLING.
40
00:01:29,857 --> 00:01:31,627
BEARD...
41
00:01:31,659 --> 00:01:35,799
"AN ADULT MAX PUTS HIS HAND
ON THE SHOULDER OF YOUNG MAX.
42
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:39,569
'I'LL CARE FOR YOU,' HE SAYS.
LIGHTS DIM."
43
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:40,970
THE END?
44
00:01:41,001 --> 00:01:43,671
OF ACT ONE.
45
00:01:43,704 --> 00:01:46,114
(sighs)
"INTERIOR--
BROOKLYN APARTMENT."
46
00:01:46,140 --> 00:01:47,780
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO?
47
00:01:47,808 --> 00:01:48,808
I'M GONNA GET TOGETHER SOME
OF THE OLD COMPANY,
48
00:01:48,842 --> 00:01:50,642
AND WE'RE GONNA STAGE A READING.
49
00:01:50,678 --> 00:01:52,408
MM.
RIGHT?
50
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,006
BUT WHO'S THE--UH,
TANYA TO PLAY MY GRANDMOTHER.
51
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,247
TANYA'S OUT OF COMMISSION.
HER BROW LIFT WENT HAYWIRE.
52
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,494
SHE CAN ONLY LOOK UP.
53
00:01:58,519 --> 00:01:59,949
OKAY, THEN SHE'LL BE THE WOMAN
54
00:01:59,987 --> 00:02:01,987
WHO POINTS TO GERMAN PLANES
OVERHEAD.
55
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:03,492
UH... I...
56
00:02:03,524 --> 00:02:05,134
I MEAN, COME ON.
(speaks indistinctly)
57
00:02:05,159 --> 00:02:06,629
(brakes squeal)
58
00:02:07,995 --> 00:02:10,355
OKAY.
59
00:02:10,398 --> 00:02:13,968
(gasps) LACEY GOT
INTO THE MAGNET PROGRAM!
WE ARE SO EXCITED.
60
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,271
YAY!
UH-OH. YOUR "CHECK ENGINE"
LIGHT'S ON.
61
00:02:16,304 --> 00:02:19,274
UGH. "CHECK ENGINE. CHECK OIL."
THIS CAR IS SO NEEDY.
62
00:02:19,307 --> 00:02:20,767
WELL, F.Y.I.,
63
00:02:20,808 --> 00:02:21,978
THERE'S 19 ORANGE FOLDERS
THAT ALREADY WENT OUT,
64
00:02:22,009 --> 00:02:23,209
SO THERE'S ONLY ONE LEFT.
65
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:24,714
I WILL KEEP
MY FINGERS CROSSED FOR YOU,
66
00:02:24,745 --> 00:02:27,145
SINCE I DON'T NEED TO
CROSS THEM FOR ME ANYMORE.
67
00:02:27,181 --> 00:02:29,121
OHH! THANK YOU.
68
00:02:29,149 --> 00:02:30,849
(sighs)
69
00:02:30,884 --> 00:02:33,154
(indistinct conversations)
70
00:02:33,187 --> 00:02:35,217
HI, MOMMY.
HI. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
71
00:02:35,256 --> 00:02:37,656
LET ME SEE THE BACKPACK.
72
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:39,461
(exhales deeply)
(drum roll playing)
73
00:02:39,493 --> 00:02:42,933
(dramatic orchestral score
playing)
74
00:02:47,201 --> 00:02:49,571
(gasps)
75
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:53,073
YOU GOT IT! YOU GOT
THE LAST ORANGE FOLDER!
76
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:55,406
(laughs)
(all speaking at once)
77
00:02:55,443 --> 00:02:59,713
GO, POLLY! GO STRAIGHT HOME
AND TELL YOUR PARENTS! GO!
78
00:02:59,747 --> 00:03:03,277
(instrumental "(I've Got a)
Golden Ticket" playing)
79
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:07,857
(music slows to a stop)
80
00:03:07,888 --> 00:03:10,918
OH, CRAP. I FORGOT NATALIE.
81
00:03:14,628 --> 00:03:16,898
HMM.
OKAY, WE HAVE TO HAVE
NATALIE'S APPLICATION IN
82
00:03:16,930 --> 00:03:19,100
BY 3:00 TOMORROW,
WHICH SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM
83
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,902
BECAUSE I AM THE MOTHER
OF A GIFTED CHILD.
84
00:03:21,935 --> 00:03:23,765
YEAH. YOU PUT HER NAME
IN THE ADDRESS LINE.
85
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,074
OH, YEAH,
OFF TO A ROUGH START.
86
00:03:26,106 --> 00:03:27,706
YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT
NATALIE WAS GIFTED,
87
00:03:27,741 --> 00:03:29,841
BUT WHEN, LIKE,
THESE NERDY EXPERTS AGREE,
88
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:31,207
IT FEELS AMAZING.
89
00:03:31,245 --> 00:03:32,775
LIKE WE ARE GIFTED.
UH, YEAH.
90
00:03:32,813 --> 00:03:34,423
LIKE, I'M TAKING GUITAR LESSONS
ONLINE.
91
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:36,578
I CAN OPEN ALMOST ANY LOCK.
MM.
92
00:03:36,617 --> 00:03:38,287
I'M EXTREMELY BUOYANT.
93
00:03:38,319 --> 00:03:40,849
AND I CAN PICK UP
ANYTHING WITH MY FEET.
(thud)
94
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:42,218
(whispers) WOW.
95
00:03:42,256 --> 00:03:43,386
HUH?
96
00:03:43,424 --> 00:03:44,894
NOW YOU'RE JUST
SHOWBOATING.
97
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,125
OH, NO,
SHOWBOATING WOULD BE, LIKE,
98
00:03:46,159 --> 00:03:47,759
BRUSHING MY TEETH
OR SOMETHING,
99
00:03:47,795 --> 00:03:50,355
WHICH I CAN ALSO DO.
100
00:03:50,398 --> 00:03:52,298
SHOULD'VE TAKEN MORE ADVANTAGE
OF THAT FOOT THING
101
00:03:52,333 --> 00:03:55,243
WHEN WE WERE MARRIED.
102
00:03:55,269 --> 00:03:57,739
THE NEXT DAY, MAX GOT
SOME BAD NEWS FROM LOIS...
(barks)
103
00:03:57,771 --> 00:03:58,871
THE FLAKY ACTRESS WHO WAS
SUPPOSED TO PLAY THE PART
104
00:03:58,906 --> 00:03:59,936
OF HIS GRANDMOTHER.
105
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:01,143
ONE ADULT DIAPER COMMERCIAL,
106
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:02,744
AND SHE'S TOO BIG
FOR THE THEATER.
107
00:04:02,776 --> 00:04:04,306
THIS IS VERY STRESSFUL,
ELAINE.
I KNOW.
108
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:06,375
PEOPLE FROM OUR OLD ACTING CLASS
ARE COMING.
MM.
109
00:04:06,414 --> 00:04:08,584
PEOPLE WHO KNOW
I DIDN'T MAKE IT AS AN ACTOR.
110
00:04:08,616 --> 00:04:10,616
BUP, BUP. SH-SHE'S ASSUMING
THE POSITION.
111
00:04:10,651 --> 00:04:12,321
GIVE HER PRIVACY.
112
00:04:12,353 --> 00:04:13,893
(dog yaps)
113
00:04:13,921 --> 00:04:15,721
I COULD PLAY
YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
114
00:04:15,756 --> 00:04:17,456
HUH?
115
00:04:17,491 --> 00:04:19,631
WELL, IT COULD--
116
00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:22,630
IT COULD ADD A DIFFERENT DYNAMIC
TO THE--TO THE--TO THE--
(whispers) YES.
117
00:04:22,663 --> 00:04:24,133
THE REASON HE KEEPS REPEATING
"TO THE"
118
00:04:24,164 --> 00:04:25,934
IS BECAUSE OF HIS UNSPOKEN FEAR
119
00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:27,896
MY MOM IS MORE TALENTED
THAN HE IS.
120
00:04:27,935 --> 00:04:32,265
"ELAINE GREEN'S BLANCHE
IS EXTRAORDINARILY CAPTIVATING."
121
00:04:32,306 --> 00:04:35,236
"AND A STARK CONTRAST...
122
00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:38,405
TO MAX GREEN'S BIZARRE,
EFFEMINATE STANLEY KOWALSKI."
123
00:04:38,446 --> 00:04:41,476
OKAY.
OH, HONEY,
REVIEWS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.
124
00:04:41,515 --> 00:04:43,475
JESUS IS SO NICE.
125
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:46,017
I HOPE NOTHING BAD
HAPPENS TO HIM.
126
00:04:47,688 --> 00:04:49,418
OH, BOY.
127
00:04:49,457 --> 00:04:51,787
I MEAN, WHO WOULD BE BETTER
AT THIS THAN ME?
128
00:04:51,825 --> 00:04:53,985
I KNOW ALL THE GRANDMA STORIES
GOING IN--
129
00:04:54,027 --> 00:04:57,127
THE BAD BREATH PIANO LESSON,
THE ICE CREAM BRIBE
130
00:04:57,164 --> 00:05:00,704
TO GET YOU TO THROW
THE DEAD CAT IN THE EAST RIVER.
131
00:05:00,734 --> 00:05:02,004
YOU'RE RIGHT. YOU'RE IN.
132
00:05:02,035 --> 00:05:04,035
AAH!
YOU'RE MY BUBBE MESCHEL.
133
00:05:04,071 --> 00:05:07,811
OH, GOD, THAT'S FANTASTIC!
OKAY, TAKE IT EASY.
TAKE IT EASY, HONEY.
134
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,141
COME HERE. COME ON.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
135
00:05:09,176 --> 00:05:10,676
WHOA, YOU HAVE BAGGIES,
YOUNG LADY,
136
00:05:10,711 --> 00:05:12,511
ATTACHED TO THAT LEASH.
137
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:14,006
YOU KNOW, THE FRENCH NEVER
CLEAN UP AFTER THEIR DOGS,
138
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:16,017
AND EVERYONE THINKS
THEY'RE SOPHISTICATED.
139
00:05:17,351 --> 00:05:19,021
(sighs)
140
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,492
(keys jangle)
141
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,461
(engine grinding)
142
00:05:22,490 --> 00:05:24,960
NO, NO, NO, YOU WHORE.
DON'T DO THIS TO ME.
143
00:05:24,992 --> 00:05:26,062
(engine resumes grinding)
144
00:05:26,093 --> 00:05:27,733
OHH!
145
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,461
WHY?
146
00:05:29,497 --> 00:05:31,497
(sighs)
(beep)
147
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,172
OH, MY GOD. (panting)
148
00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:34,740
WHOO!
149
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,398
* MADEMOISELLE, WELL,
YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY *
150
00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:38,037
* OR NO JOB
151
00:05:38,071 --> 00:05:39,641
JULIAN, MY CAR WON'T START,
152
00:05:39,673 --> 00:05:40,713
AND I HAVE TO GET
NATALIE'S APPLICATION IN,
153
00:05:40,741 --> 00:05:42,011
AND MAX AND ELAINE AREN'T HERE,
154
00:05:42,042 --> 00:05:43,312
AND WHY AM I LEAVING YOU
THIS MESSAGE?
155
00:05:43,343 --> 00:05:44,813
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
156
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:46,175
WHAT A COMPLETE WASTE OF TIME
THIS IS?!
157
00:05:46,213 --> 00:05:48,723
DISREGARD.
(beep)
158
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:52,919
(sighing)
159
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:06,503
HI. I'M JUST DROPPING OFF
MY DAUGHTER'S APPLICATION.
160
00:06:06,534 --> 00:06:09,874
OH. I'M JUST TRYING ONE OF THOSE
ALL NATURAL DEODORANT ROCKS.
161
00:06:09,903 --> 00:06:11,913
IT'S PROBABLY TIME TO
SWITCH BACK TO OLD FAITHFUL.
162
00:06:11,939 --> 00:06:13,609
CAN I GET A SIP
OF THAT WATER?
163
00:06:13,641 --> 00:06:15,041
THERE'S ONLY ONE COPY.
164
00:06:15,075 --> 00:06:17,645
HMM? SHOULD THERE BE MORE
THAN ONE?
165
00:06:19,279 --> 00:06:21,619
DO YOU HAVE
A COPY MACHINE?
166
00:06:21,649 --> 00:06:23,279
THERE'S ONE
IN THE TEACHER'S LOUNGE.
167
00:06:23,316 --> 00:06:25,586
GREAT.
(whispers)
BUT IT'S FOR TEACHERS.
168
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:26,749
OH.
169
00:06:26,787 --> 00:06:28,387
(papers rustle)
170
00:06:30,924 --> 00:06:33,464
OH, I'M A TEACHER
SOMEWHERE ELSE,
171
00:06:33,494 --> 00:06:36,404
SO WE GOTTA STICK TOGETHER,
RIGHT, GUYS? HUH? LIKE COPS.
172
00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:41,232
(panting)
173
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:43,798
OKAY. HERE YOU GO.
I ALREADY LOCKED THEM
IN DR. SKRUTZ'S OFFICE.
174
00:06:43,837 --> 00:06:46,607
THE APPLICATION PROCESS
IS CLOSED.
175
00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:49,040
WHO MADE UP ALL THESE
STUPID FORMS ANYWAY?
176
00:06:49,076 --> 00:06:52,606
YOU--YOU DID.
YOU DID, LINDA. YAY!
177
00:06:52,646 --> 00:06:54,476
SERIOUSLY,
WHAT IS YOUR DEAL?
178
00:06:54,515 --> 00:06:56,375
DO I REMIND YOU
OF SOMEBODY YOU DON'T LIKE?
179
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,746
YES.
OH.
180
00:06:57,785 --> 00:07:00,415
MY PRETTY SISTER.
SHE'S SO DISORGANIZED.
181
00:07:00,454 --> 00:07:02,024
I CAN'T STAND HER.
182
00:07:05,459 --> 00:07:07,599
TAKE IT. TAKE IT.
183
00:07:07,628 --> 00:07:08,998
TAKE IT. TAKE IT.
184
00:07:09,029 --> 00:07:10,299
TAKE IT.
185
00:07:10,330 --> 00:07:12,300
TAKE IT, PLEASE.
186
00:07:12,332 --> 00:07:13,702
YOU'RE NOT TAKING IT,
LINDA.
187
00:07:18,606 --> 00:07:20,836
SO, UM,
I HAD A QUESTION FOR YA.
188
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:24,244
WHAT IF I WERE TO BRING
MY GUITAR TONIGHT--
NO, THANK YOU.
189
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,107
NO, I-I-I MEAN, I COULD DO SOME
INTERSTITIAL STUFF, YOU KNOW?
190
00:07:26,146 --> 00:07:27,746
WANNA KEEP THE VIBE GOING
BETWEEN ACTS.
191
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:28,681
LIKE IF THERE'S A SAD MOMENT,
I COULD PLAY...
192
00:07:28,716 --> 00:07:31,446
(hums melancholy tune)
193
00:07:31,485 --> 00:07:33,785
THEN THERE'S A HAPPY MOMENT,
IT'D BE... * DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO
OKAY, LISTEN TO ME.
194
00:07:33,821 --> 00:07:35,991
OKAY, THIS IS NOT
TOM STOPPARD'S "ROCK 'N' ROLL,"
195
00:07:36,023 --> 00:07:37,793
DO YOU UNDERSTAND? THIS IS
A SENTIMENTAL LOVE LETTER
196
00:07:37,825 --> 00:07:39,585
TO MY FRACTURED YOUTH.
197
00:07:39,627 --> 00:07:41,997
I'LL JUST KEEP THE AXE
IN THE TRUCK IN CASE.
198
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:46,699
YOU WILL NOT.
HONEY, HONEY,
ABOUT BUBBE'S MONOLOGUE--
199
00:07:46,734 --> 00:07:48,304
YOU WROTE IT AS WEEPY,
200
00:07:48,335 --> 00:07:50,265
BUT WHAT MAKES HER
REALLY COMPELLING
201
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:52,143
IS HER DEFIANCE.
202
00:07:52,172 --> 00:07:54,142
OH, OKAY.
SHE WAS NEVER COMPELLING.
203
00:07:54,174 --> 00:07:56,184
READ ME IN.
YEAH, OKAY.
204
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:03,682
"ALL THE PAIN, THE ANGUISH--
205
00:08:03,717 --> 00:08:07,487
"YOU TOOK IT OUT ON ME,
AN INNOCENT BOY...
206
00:08:07,521 --> 00:08:10,691
(strained voice)
WHEN YOU REALLY HATED YOURSELF."
207
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,864
(imitates Russian accent)
WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
208
00:08:12,893 --> 00:08:15,063
8 YEARS OLD,
209
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:21,025
MY FAMILY AWOKE TO THE SOUND
OF THE APPROACHING COSSACKS.
210
00:08:21,068 --> 00:08:25,838
IT WAS AN UGLY SOUND--
STRANGE MEN LAUGHING,
211
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:28,683
LOOKING TO DO
THE DEVIL'S WORK.
212
00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:32,679
I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS LIFE.
IT WAS HANDED TO ME BY GOD,
213
00:08:32,713 --> 00:08:34,853
AND I HAVE DONE WHAT I CAN
TO MAKE IT WORK,
214
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:37,552
TO DO MY BEST TO SURVIVE.
(sentimental violin playing)
215
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:40,815
INNOCENT BOY.
216
00:08:40,854 --> 00:08:44,994
WHAT ABOUT MY INNOCENCE?
217
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,685
NEVER LOOK BACK.
218
00:08:46,727 --> 00:08:48,227
(gasps)
219
00:08:48,261 --> 00:08:50,761
NEVER LOOK BACK.
220
00:08:51,799 --> 00:08:53,229
(normal voice) YEAH.
221
00:08:53,266 --> 00:08:55,366
(whispers) WOW.
222
00:08:55,402 --> 00:08:56,602
(exhales)
223
00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,867
ELAINE. WOW. (exhales)
224
00:08:59,907 --> 00:09:02,707
MAX, YOU ARE LUCKY TO HAVE HER.
SHE'S GONNA STEAL THE SHOW.
225
00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,413
YEAH, WELL,
SHE'S A GOOD COLD READER.
226
00:09:04,444 --> 00:09:06,954
YEAH.
BUT I-I THINK WE SAW WHERE
THE PROBLEMS ARE,
227
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:08,850
AND WE CAN ADDRESS THOSE.
OOH.
228
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:10,522
NO, NO, NO, SHE'S GONNA
TAKE IT TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
229
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:12,190
I FELT THAT ONE.
IT WAS DEEP.
230
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:14,719
YOU...
231
00:09:14,755 --> 00:09:17,555
CHAIRS.
CHAIRS. YEAH.
232
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:20,691
CHAIRS.
OH, CHAIRS. YEAH.
233
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,798
(door opens)
OKAY, LET'S BRING OUT
NUMBER TWO.
234
00:09:22,830 --> 00:09:24,730
THAT'S NUMBER ONE.
235
00:09:24,765 --> 00:09:26,725
(door closes)
I MISSED THE MAGNET APPLICATION
DEADLINE,
236
00:09:26,767 --> 00:09:29,037
SO OUR DAUGHTER'S FUTURE'S
SHOT,
237
00:09:29,069 --> 00:09:30,469
AND SHE'S GONNA BE
A FULL-NUDE STRIPPER,
238
00:09:30,503 --> 00:09:31,813
BECAUSE THEY MAKE MORE
THAN JUST TOPLESS,
239
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,369
AND THOSE ARE THE FACTS.
240
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:35,576
OKAY, CALM DOWN.
HOW CAN WE FIX THIS?
241
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:37,209
I DON'T KNOW, OKAY?
BUT WE HAVE TO FIGURE IT OUT,
242
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:38,414
BECAUSE I WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO LIVE WITH MYSELF
243
00:09:38,445 --> 00:09:39,645
IF SHE DOES NOT GET IN.
244
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:42,050
OOH, I HAVE A THEORY
THAT MIGHT HELP.
245
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:45,922
AH, WHAT IF SUBCONSCIOUSLY,
YOU ARE SABOTAGING NATALIE?
246
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,490
HOW DOES THIS HELP ME
RIGHT NOW?
247
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:52,762
WELL, NOW YOU KNOW. I MEAN,
IT'S A NORMAL HUMAN IMPULSE.
248
00:09:52,793 --> 00:09:55,433
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT HER
GOING TO COLLEGE,
249
00:09:55,462 --> 00:09:57,162
WHICH MEANS
SHE'S LEAVING YOU ONE DAY,
250
00:09:57,197 --> 00:10:00,597
SO YOU'RE SABOTAGING HER NOW
BECAUSE YOU LOVE HER,
251
00:10:00,634 --> 00:10:02,474
AND YOU WANNA KEEP HER
WITH YOU.
252
00:10:02,502 --> 00:10:03,902
DO YOU REALIZE THE IRONY
OF YOU SAYING THIS TO ME
253
00:10:03,937 --> 00:10:06,137
AS I'M MOVING IN YOUR HOUSE
AT MY AGE?
254
00:10:06,173 --> 00:10:07,943
WELL, I DIDN'T,
BUT I DO NOW.
255
00:10:07,975 --> 00:10:09,835
STOP IT. SHUT UP.
STOP TALKING TO ME RIGHT NOW.
256
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:13,107
I WISH THERE WAS SOME WAY WE
COULD JUST SLIP NATALIE'S FILE
257
00:10:13,146 --> 00:10:14,846
IN THERE WITH ALL THE OTHERS,
BUT WE CAN'T,
258
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,482
BECAUSE THEY'RE ALL LOCKED
IN DR. SKRUTZ'S OFFICE.
259
00:10:18,986 --> 00:10:20,446
(exhales)
260
00:10:20,487 --> 00:10:22,357
WHAT KIND OF LOCK
IS THIS GUY ROCKIN'?
261
00:10:22,389 --> 00:10:24,359
DEAD BOLT? PUSH BUTTON?
7 PIN?
262
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,861
UH--
263
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,663
'CAUSE I CAN'T DO
ANY OF THOSE. HMM.
264
00:10:27,695 --> 00:10:29,455
BUT IF HE HAS
SOMETHING REALLY SIMPLE,
265
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:32,166
I THINK I CAN GET US IN.
266
00:10:32,199 --> 00:10:34,469
HOW "BUBBE MESCHEL"
IS THIS SCARF?
267
00:10:34,501 --> 00:10:35,801
OH, IT'S--IT'S AMAZING.
YEAH. LOOK AT IT.
268
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,096
THANK YOU, HONEY.
269
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:38,967
OKAY.
(laughs)
270
00:10:39,006 --> 00:10:42,036
THANK YOU. I'M JUST DOING
SOME LAST-MINUTE REWRITES HERE.
271
00:10:42,075 --> 00:10:45,805
(typing)
WHAT? YOU CUT MY MONOLOGUE DOWN
TO ONE LINE?
272
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,506
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
IT FELT A LITTLE LONG,
273
00:10:47,547 --> 00:10:50,717
AND I DIDN'T WANT IT TO, UH,
YOU KNOW, GET IN THE WAY
274
00:10:50,751 --> 00:10:54,191
OF MAX'S TRIUMPHANT MOMENT,
YOU KNOW?
275
00:10:54,221 --> 00:10:58,391
AND ALSO, YOU, HONESTLY--
YOU'RE KINDA PUSHING A BIT.
276
00:10:58,425 --> 00:11:00,055
WHAT?
YES.
277
00:11:00,093 --> 00:11:03,563
REALLY? 'CAUSE...
I FELT LIKE I KINDA NAILED IT.
278
00:11:03,596 --> 00:11:05,196
I MEAN, I MADE JULIAN CRY.
279
00:11:05,232 --> 00:11:07,842
WELL, YOU KNOW, HE CRIES
WHEN HE DROPS A HOT DOG.
280
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:12,038
HONEY, I REALLY FEEL LIKE
YOUR NEUROTIC ANXIETY
281
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:15,042
IS GETTING IN THE WAY
OF YOUR ARTISTIC PERSPECTIVE.
282
00:11:15,075 --> 00:11:17,475
AND I FEEL THAT YOUR MANIA
FOR THE SPOTLIGHT
283
00:11:17,510 --> 00:11:19,250
IS GETTING IN THE WAY
OF YOUR RESPECT
284
00:11:19,279 --> 00:11:23,179
FOR THE PLAYWRIGHT'S VISION.
(paper rustles)
285
00:11:23,216 --> 00:11:24,476
FINE.
286
00:11:24,517 --> 00:11:25,547
(paper rustles)
287
00:11:25,585 --> 00:11:27,685
I'M A PROFESSIONAL.
288
00:11:27,721 --> 00:11:30,391
I CAN SELL ANYTHING.
289
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:32,063
TERRIFIC. THANK YOU.
290
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,762
PUSHING?
291
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:36,534
LIKE A TINY WOMAN
HAVING A GIANT BABY.
292
00:11:36,563 --> 00:11:38,803
HOW IS YOUR MOM,
ANYWAY?
293
00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:43,438
OKAY, YOU WATCH MY 6
WHILE I WORK ON THIS LOCK.
294
00:11:43,470 --> 00:11:46,210
WHAT?
6, 9, 12, 3,
295
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,569
LIKE A CLOCK.
296
00:11:47,607 --> 00:11:49,877
BUT THE CLOCK IS, LIKE,
LYING DOWN FLAT?
297
00:11:49,910 --> 00:11:51,540
(whispers) YEAH, THE CLOCK
IS LYING DOWN FLAT.
298
00:11:51,578 --> 00:11:53,908
YOU DON'T THINK THERE'S
ANY CHANCE THAT I WAS, LIKE,
299
00:11:53,947 --> 00:11:56,017
SABOTAGING NATALIE
SUBCONSCIOUSLY, DO YOU?
300
00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,889
I DON'T BELIEVE
IN THE SUBCONSCIOUS.
301
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,418
I BARELY BELIEVE
IN THE CONSCIOUS.
302
00:11:59,452 --> 00:12:01,022
THANK GOD FOR YOU.
303
00:12:01,054 --> 00:12:03,764
HOW LONG IS THIS
GONNA TAKE?
304
00:12:03,791 --> 00:12:05,591
HOW LONG IS WHAT
GONNA TAKE?
305
00:12:05,625 --> 00:12:07,055
NICE!
OH, YEAH.
306
00:12:07,094 --> 00:12:08,464
(gasps)
(door closes)
307
00:12:08,495 --> 00:12:11,295
OH, LOOK AT THESE FRAMES.
THIS IS WHAT I WANTED.
308
00:12:11,331 --> 00:12:13,201
WHO CARES ABOUT THE FRAMES?
HELP ME.
309
00:12:13,233 --> 00:12:15,743
YEAH, BUT LOOK AT--
(footsteps approach,
keys jangle)
310
00:12:15,769 --> 00:12:17,269
(both) SKRUTZ.
311
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:19,114
OKAY, NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
312
00:12:19,139 --> 00:12:21,369
COME ON.
313
00:12:21,408 --> 00:12:23,578
(door opening)
OW.
314
00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,380
(keys jangle)
315
00:12:26,413 --> 00:12:29,723
(cell phone rings)
316
00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:31,319
(ring)
317
00:12:31,351 --> 00:12:33,251
(beep)
NEIL SKRUTZ.
318
00:12:33,286 --> 00:12:36,816
YES. PARTY OF ONE AT 7:30 P.M.
THANK YOU--
319
00:12:36,857 --> 00:12:39,887
(cell phone beeps)
320
00:12:39,927 --> 00:12:42,597
LET ME GUESS.
(cell phone clatters)
321
00:12:42,629 --> 00:12:44,899
YOUR FOLDER'S LATE, AND YOU'RE
TRYING TO SLIP IT IN.
322
00:12:44,932 --> 00:12:48,302
YES.
323
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:50,995
LOOK, I'M NATALIE'S MOTHER,
324
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:53,138
AND MY DAUGHTER
SHOULD NOT BE PENALIZED
325
00:12:53,173 --> 00:12:54,643
BECAUSE I SCREWED THIS UP.
326
00:12:54,674 --> 00:12:57,014
IS THERE ANY--PLEASE--WAY
THAT YOU WOULD RECONSIDER?
327
00:12:57,044 --> 00:12:58,454
OH, I COULD DO MANY THINGS.
328
00:12:58,478 --> 00:13:00,278
I COULD PLAY SAMUEL BARBER'S
"ADAGIO IN D"
329
00:13:00,313 --> 00:13:01,783
ON THE PENNY WHISTLE.
330
00:13:01,815 --> 00:13:04,515
I COULD RELEASE ALL THE BEARS
FROM THE ZOO.
331
00:13:04,551 --> 00:13:07,091
THAT'D BE WEIRD.
I COULD RECONSIDER,
BUT I AM NOT GOING TO,
332
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:10,660
BECAUSE WE MUST ALL LIVE WITH
THE CHOICES THAT WE'VE MADE.
333
00:13:10,690 --> 00:13:12,630
NO, PLEASE, NO.
LISTEN, BUD, I GOT--
334
00:13:12,659 --> 00:13:14,929
EASY, EASY, EASY. IT'S ALL GOOD.
I AM NATALIE'S FATHER.
335
00:13:14,962 --> 00:13:16,502
(whispers)
YES, HE'S HER FATHER.
336
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:19,469
AND, UH, I THINK I HAVE
A SOLUTION TO THIS PROBLEM,
337
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:22,839
AND HIS NAME IS ANDREW JACKSON.
SAY... HMM?
338
00:13:22,870 --> 00:13:24,640
HELLO.
ALTHOUGH IF I COULD GET
A LINCOLN BACK,
339
00:13:24,671 --> 00:13:26,441
THEN I COULD PUT
SOME GAS IN MY TRUCK.
340
00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:28,283
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE
THE FIRST PARENTS
341
00:13:28,308 --> 00:13:29,778
TO TRY TO GET AROUND
THE SYSTEM?
342
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,279
NO.
NO. YES.
343
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,651
YES. NO. YEAH, I DON'T--
UH, PROBABLY NOT.
344
00:13:32,679 --> 00:13:34,849
I HAVE BEEN OFFERED
GIFT BASKETS,
345
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,052
SEXUAL FAVORS...
346
00:13:36,083 --> 00:13:38,123
(clenches teeth)
DON'T PUSH ME.
347
00:13:38,151 --> 00:13:39,551
I WAS EVEN OFFERED TICKETS
TO "THE BOOK OF MORMON"
348
00:13:39,586 --> 00:13:40,986
WITH THE ORIGINAL CAST.
349
00:13:41,021 --> 00:13:42,691
(gasps)
OH.
350
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,192
MM.
I TOOK THOSE.
351
00:13:44,224 --> 00:13:45,464
YOU'RE A THEATER BUFF.
YOU'RE UP, BUDDY.
352
00:13:45,492 --> 00:13:46,862
(under breath)
GET OFF, GET OFF.
353
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:49,734
"BUFF"? I STUDIED
WITH HERBERT BERGHOF.
354
00:13:49,762 --> 00:13:53,132
(chuckles) MY MOTHER TRIED
TO SLEEP WITH HERBERT BERGHOF.
355
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,126
YOU KNOW, ALL OF
MY PARENTS' FRIENDS
356
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,797
ACTUALLY STUDIED
AT H.B. STUDIOS,
357
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,465
AND THEY'RE ALL GONNA BE
AT MY HOUSE TONIGHT,
358
00:13:57,504 --> 00:13:59,574
BECAUSE MY STEPFATHER IS DOING
A READING OF HIS NEW PLAY.
359
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:00,706
YOU SHOULD COME.
360
00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,410
MIGHT BE
A LITTLE AWKWARD.
361
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,812
IT WILL ONLY BE AWKWARD
IF YOU SAY "NO."
362
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:06,384
AND NATALIE IS ACTUALLY
IN IT.
363
00:14:06,413 --> 00:14:09,083
SHE'S IN--IN THE PLAY.
SHE'S IN THE PLAY.
364
00:14:09,116 --> 00:14:12,346
IF--IF YOU SAW HER,
AND YOU MET HER TONIGHT...
365
00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,585
THEN YOU WOULD OVERLOOK
ALL OF THIS
366
00:14:13,620 --> 00:14:15,560
AND YOU WOULD CONSIDER
HER APPLICATION.
367
00:14:15,588 --> 00:14:18,828
8:00?
(paper rustles)
368
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:21,658
I SUPPOSE I COULD MISS
MY AROMATHERAPY WORKSHOP.
369
00:14:21,694 --> 00:14:23,364
(exhales)
THAT SOUNDS MISS-ABLE.
370
00:14:23,396 --> 00:14:24,856
ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO,
OUTTA HERE.
371
00:14:24,898 --> 00:14:26,698
THANK YOU.
YOU WILL NOT REGRET THIS.
372
00:14:26,733 --> 00:14:28,243
OH, AND IF YOU EVER DO
KINDA LOSE YOUR MIND
373
00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,698
AND RELEASE THE BEARS,
LET ME KNOW,
374
00:14:29,736 --> 00:14:31,866
'CAUSE I'M TERRIFIED OF BEARS.
NO.
375
00:14:31,905 --> 00:14:33,865
BUT I'M AFRAID OF BEARS.
I KNOW I'M AFRAID OF BEARS.
(indistinct)
376
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:43,720
(whistles) HEY, SWEET PEA.
HELLO.
377
00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:45,720
SO EVERYTHING IS SET
IN THE LIVING ROOM.
378
00:14:45,752 --> 00:14:47,222
ONE QUICK THOUGHT.
379
00:14:47,254 --> 00:14:49,064
I THINK WE REALLY DO NEED
SOME BACKGROUND MUSIC.
380
00:14:49,089 --> 00:14:51,259
SHOULD I TURN ON THE STEREO,
OR--
381
00:14:51,291 --> 00:14:53,191
IF I SEE A GUITAR,
YOUR RECTUM SEES A GUITAR.
382
00:14:53,226 --> 00:14:54,356
COPY THAT.
383
00:14:54,394 --> 00:14:56,734
THANK YOU.
384
00:14:56,763 --> 00:14:59,033
PLEASE TELL ME YOU HAD TIME
TO WRITE NATALIE INTO THE PLAY.
385
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:01,766
HER FUTURE IS DEPENDENT
ON DAZZLING SKRUTZ.
386
00:15:01,801 --> 00:15:03,471
OKAY, WELL, I RAN OUT OF TIME,
SO I GAVE HER THE PART
387
00:15:03,503 --> 00:15:05,113
OF BUBBE'S SISTER IDA.
388
00:15:05,138 --> 00:15:06,438
NOW I KNOW IT'S A BIT
OF A STRETCH,
389
00:15:06,473 --> 00:15:08,783
BUT ANYTHING FOR
OUR FUTURE HARVARD GRADUATE.
390
00:15:10,343 --> 00:15:12,583
HEY, HONEY,
HOW'S IT GOING OVER THERE?
391
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:15,222
WHAT'S... CHAZERAI?
392
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,918
NO, NO, HONEY.
(guttural voice) CHAZERAI.
393
00:15:16,950 --> 00:15:19,290
YOU HAVE TO HIT THE "CH."
CHAZERAI.
394
00:15:19,319 --> 00:15:21,089
CHAZERAI.
395
00:15:21,121 --> 00:15:22,121
(chuckles)
396
00:15:22,155 --> 00:15:24,215
(chuckles) OY.
397
00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:28,257
IT'S JUST, I'M SUPPRESSING ANGER
ABOUT MY MONOLOGUE BEING CUT,
398
00:15:28,295 --> 00:15:30,095
AND I HAVE NO PLACE
TO PUT IT RIGHT NOW,
399
00:15:30,130 --> 00:15:32,670
BECAUSE THIS IS IMPORTANT
TO MAX.
400
00:15:32,699 --> 00:15:34,299
COME ON.
401
00:15:34,334 --> 00:15:35,774
AND I'M PERFORMING TONIGHT.
402
00:15:35,802 --> 00:15:38,172
SO I CAN'T TAKE A LITTLE PILL
OR ANYTHING.
403
00:15:38,205 --> 00:15:39,635
(horn honking)
JUST LEFT OUT ON MY OWN.
404
00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:41,342
HEY, HEY, HEY. HELLO. HELLO.
405
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,344
DID YOU JUST LEAVE
THAT DOG POOP?
406
00:15:43,376 --> 00:15:46,506
(dog yapping)
YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.
407
00:15:46,546 --> 00:15:48,616
I AM SUPPRESSING
MY ANGER.
408
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,418
MADAM, YOU ARE A LUNATIC.
409
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:52,920
OH, I'M A LUNATIC, AM I?
410
00:15:52,952 --> 00:15:54,452
(blows raspberry)
411
00:15:54,487 --> 00:15:57,657
(continues blowing raspberry)
412
00:15:57,690 --> 00:15:59,460
(blows raspberry)
413
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:01,592
(blows raspberry)
414
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:02,858
(doorbell rings)
415
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:04,825
DR. SKRUTZ,
YOU ARE JUST IN TIME.
416
00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:08,174
WE'RE JUST ABOUT TO START.
I'M SORRY.
I'M A BIT FRAZZLED.
417
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:11,501
I WAS JUST PULLING UP WHEN I
GOT INTO THIS ALTERCATION...
(door closes)
418
00:16:11,538 --> 00:16:13,608
WITH A CRAZY,
CURLY-HAIRED WOMAN
419
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:16,180
WALKING HER YORKIE.
PEOPLE ARE JERKS.
420
00:16:16,209 --> 00:16:19,379
RIGHT? I MEAN, COME ON IN.
HAVE A GLASS OF WINE.
421
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,777
YES, SKRUTZ IS
IN THE HOUSE.
422
00:16:22,815 --> 00:16:24,445
WE ARE GOLDEN--
SHUT UP. YOU DON'T KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENING.
423
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,194
THERE'S A SITUATION A-BREWIN',
AND THESE PEOPLE
424
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,159
HAVE ALREADY TORN THROUGH
THE SMOKED SALMON
425
00:16:28,188 --> 00:16:29,558
LIKE SEAGULLS
ON A TRASH BARGE.
OH.
426
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:31,519
DO SOMETHING--ANYTHING
TO KEEP THEM OCCUPIED.
427
00:16:35,028 --> 00:16:36,858
HELLO, MY LADY.
(clears throat)
428
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:39,696
IT IS SHOWTIME.
(plays guitar)
429
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:41,532
I WANT!
MA-MOO-MEE-MOO.
430
00:16:41,568 --> 00:16:43,968
I... WANT. I WANT!
EVERY FEATHERY BIRD.
431
00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:46,513
EVERY FEATHERY BIRD.
EVERY FEATHERY BIRD.
I... WANT, I WANT, I WANT.
432
00:16:46,539 --> 00:16:48,139
I--
I--
433
00:16:48,175 --> 00:16:50,535
WHAT HAPPENED
WHEN YOU WERE WALKING THE DOG?
434
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:52,847
BECAUSE THE MAGNET DIRECTOR WHO
KINDA HOLDS MY DAUGHTER'S LIFE
435
00:16:52,879 --> 00:16:54,309
IN HIS HANDS RIGHT NOW
SAID HE GOT FLIPPED OFF
436
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,347
BY A CRAZY WOMAN WITH A YORKIE.
437
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,153
OHH. UH-HUH. MM-HMM. YEAH.
UH-HUH?
438
00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:01,846
UH, WELL... (laughs)
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
439
00:17:01,888 --> 00:17:02,758
MOM, IF HE FINDS OUT THAT
YOU'RE NATALIE'S GRANDMOTHER,
440
00:17:02,789 --> 00:17:04,759
THIS WHOLE THING IS BLOWN.
441
00:17:04,791 --> 00:17:07,261
MOM CANNOT BE IN THE PLAY NOW.
SKRUTZ CAN'T SEE HER.
NO!
442
00:17:07,294 --> 00:17:08,564
AND THERE IT IS.
443
00:17:08,595 --> 00:17:10,055
YOU CAN'T LET ME
HAVE MY MOMENT
444
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:13,527
WITHOUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY
SABOTAGING ME.
445
00:17:13,566 --> 00:17:15,266
(strums chord)
THIS FIRST SONG
446
00:17:15,302 --> 00:17:17,572
IS ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND OLIVIA
WHO CAN'T BE HERE TONIGHT.
447
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,674
SHE'S STUCK IN SANTE FE
ON BUSINESS. HOPE YOU LIKE IT.
448
00:17:20,707 --> 00:17:22,677
**
449
00:17:22,709 --> 00:17:26,779
* YOUR TURQUOISE JEWELRY
SPARKLES IN THE SUN *
450
00:17:26,813 --> 00:17:30,283
* YOU PUT A SMILE,
MM, ON EVERYONE *
451
00:17:30,317 --> 00:17:33,517
* YOU TOOK AWAY MY OLIVIA
452
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:37,623
* NOW I'LL HAVE A HARD TIME
FORGIVIN' YA *
453
00:17:37,657 --> 00:17:40,287
* SO BURN, BURN, BURN
454
00:17:40,327 --> 00:17:45,367
* MM, YEAH, SANTA FE,
BURN, BURN, BURN *
455
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:46,768
* SANTA FE
456
00:17:46,799 --> 00:17:48,869
OH, YOU SABOTAGED YOURSELF.
457
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,371
I OFFERED TO BE
IN YOUR PLAY.
458
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:53,073
I GAVE A GREAT PERFORMANCE,
AND YOU JUST CUT IT OUT,
459
00:17:53,106 --> 00:17:55,036
CAUSING ME TO SUPPRESS
MY ANGER.
460
00:17:55,074 --> 00:17:56,644
INEFFECTIVELY. INEFFECTIVELY.
461
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,276
YOU KNOW, I WANTED YOU
TO SHINE, MAX,
462
00:17:58,311 --> 00:18:00,111
BUT I AM A SENSITIVE PERSON.
I HAVE CREATIVE NEEDS
463
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:02,747
I WANTED TO EXPRESS
IN THIS PLAY, TOO, YOU KNOW.
EVERY FEATHERY BIRD.
464
00:18:02,782 --> 00:18:04,822
EVERY FEATHERY BIRD.
I HAD A VERY HARD LIFE!
465
00:18:04,851 --> 00:18:07,051
OH, PLEASE,
I HAD A HARD LIFE AS WELL.
466
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:09,286
HOW MANY CATS HAVE YOU THROWN
INTO THE RIVER?
467
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:11,262
HOW MANY?
YOU KNOW, MY MOTHER
HAD ELECTRIC SHOCK SEVEN TIMES.
468
00:18:11,291 --> 00:18:13,631
I WAS 5'10"
WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD.
469
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,430
I WAS--
TALLER THAN MY FATHER!
470
00:18:15,462 --> 00:18:17,762
I WAS 300 POUNDS.
I WAS A FREAK OF NATURE!
471
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:19,497
THEY HAD TO MAKE
A SPECIAL OUTFIT FOR ME
472
00:18:19,532 --> 00:18:20,902
JUST AT CAMP.
I DIDN'T HAVE SPECIAL OUTFITS.
LOOK--
473
00:18:20,933 --> 00:18:22,473
I COULDN'T EVEN WEAR
THE BLUE SHORTS.
474
00:18:22,502 --> 00:18:24,472
OH, NO. THEY HAD SPECIAL
GREEN SHORTS JUST FOR THE FATTY!
475
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,074
AND YOU ACCESS THAT PAIN
IN YOUR ACTING,
476
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:29,175
WHICH IS SOMETHING
I COULD NEVER DO.
(sighs)
477
00:18:29,209 --> 00:18:32,679
DON'T... YOU SEE IT'S WHY YOU'VE
ALWAYS BEEN BETTER THAN ME?
478
00:18:32,712 --> 00:18:34,612
AND...
479
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:37,617
THAT'S WHY I CUT YOUR PART.
480
00:18:41,621 --> 00:18:45,161
WELL, MAYBE I SOMEHOW
SUBCONSCIOUSLY...
481
00:18:45,192 --> 00:18:47,362
SABOTAGED YOU.
482
00:18:48,995 --> 00:18:51,955
OH, MAX, I'M SORRY.
483
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:54,198
I'M SORRY, TOO, BABY.
OH.
484
00:18:54,234 --> 00:18:56,504
YOU'RE FANTASTIC. I NEVER SHOULD
HAVE CUT YOUR MONOLOGUE.
485
00:18:56,536 --> 00:18:58,836
YOUR WORDS GOT ME THERE,
BABE.
486
00:18:58,871 --> 00:19:00,911
YES. YES, THEY DID.
487
00:19:02,409 --> 00:19:06,049
(crying)
488
00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:07,878
WHAT THE HELL'S
THE MATTER WITH YOU?
489
00:19:07,914 --> 00:19:09,324
WELL, THE TWO OF YOU TALKING
490
00:19:09,349 --> 00:19:11,049
ABOUT SUBCONSCIOUSLY
SABOTAGING EACH OTHER
491
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:12,723
MAKES ME THINK
MAYBE I DID THAT TO NATALIE.
492
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,022
I MEAN, IT'S POSSIBLE.
493
00:19:14,053 --> 00:19:15,623
YOU RAISED ME,
AND YOU PEOPLE ARE NUTS.
494
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:17,215
IT IS POSSIBLE.
SEE?
495
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,627
YOU KNOW, I SHOULD NEVER
HAVE SAID THAT TO YOU.
496
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:20,458
COME HERE. COME HERE.
I'M NOT...
497
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:23,503
MAYBE I WAS JUST PROJECTING
A LITTLE BIT.
498
00:19:23,530 --> 00:19:25,500
YEAH, WE WERE--
YOU--YOU CAN'T...
499
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:28,242
YOU KNOW, I HAVE A THEORY
ABOUT PROJECTING.
500
00:19:28,268 --> 00:19:31,168
NO, NO. NO MORE THEORIES.
(clicks teeth)
LISTEN, POLLY,
501
00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:33,744
YOU HAVE DONE EVERYTHING
POSSIBLE FOR YOUR DAUGHTER.
502
00:19:33,773 --> 00:19:36,213
(voice breaking) THANKS.
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER,
503
00:19:36,243 --> 00:19:37,983
BECAUSE MOM CAN'T BE
IN THE PLAY,
504
00:19:38,010 --> 00:19:39,880
BECAUSE SHE FLIPPED OFF SKRUTZ,
SO WE HAVE NO BUBBE MESCHEL.
505
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:42,322
OKAY, THAT PART
WASN'T CLEAR TO ME--
506
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,849
YES, WE... (gasps)
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
507
00:19:43,883 --> 00:19:46,853
WHAT IS HAPPENING
RIGHT NOW?
(humming)
508
00:19:46,886 --> 00:19:48,986
UM, I'M GONNA--
MAKE IT STOP. MAKE IT STOP.
509
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,721
I'M GONNA HAVE
TO HEAR HER READ FIRST.
USE THAT EMOTION.
510
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,387
(imitates Russian accent)
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME.
511
00:19:52,425 --> 00:19:54,055
I GUESS I WAS WRONG.
512
00:19:54,093 --> 00:19:56,703
BUBBE, I KNOW I PROMISED
TO CLEAN THE BASEMENT,
513
00:19:56,729 --> 00:19:59,669
BUT THE GUYS ARE WAITING
FOR ME AT THE BASEBALL FIELD.
514
00:19:59,699 --> 00:20:03,439
ELSIE, THE BOY IS TRYING
TO GET THROUGH TO YOU!
515
00:20:03,470 --> 00:20:06,110
(laughter)
516
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:10,606
TAKE THIS LAST COIN,
MAXIE,
517
00:20:10,643 --> 00:20:13,713
SO MY MEMORY WILL LIVE ON.
518
00:20:13,746 --> 00:20:16,276
TAKE IT. I'M SICK
OF THIS CHAZERAI.
519
00:20:16,316 --> 00:20:18,216
OKAY, BUBBE.
520
00:20:18,251 --> 00:20:21,091
(whispers) OKAY.
521
00:20:26,225 --> 00:20:27,255
THAT IS THE END.
522
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:29,034
...OF THE FIRST READING.
523
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,601
BELIEVE ME, WE'LL BE DOING
THIS PLAY AGAIN,
524
00:20:31,631 --> 00:20:35,031
BECAUSE EVEN IF WE SABOTAGE
EACH OTHER,
525
00:20:35,067 --> 00:20:37,537
WE NEVER GIVE UP TRYING.
(mouthing words)
526
00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:44,310
I HAVE NEVER SEEN A FAMILY THAT
WANTED TO BE GIFTED SO BADLY.
527
00:20:44,344 --> 00:20:46,954
LET'S JUST ASSUME
THAT'S A COMPLIMENT.
528
00:20:52,118 --> 00:20:53,448
WELL, WHATEVER HAPPENS,
YOU'RE STILL A GREAT MOM,
529
00:20:53,486 --> 00:20:54,716
AND NATALIE IS A GREAT KID.
530
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:56,064
AND A GREAT OLDER
JEWISH WOMAN.
531
00:20:56,088 --> 00:20:57,888
BUT LET'S HURRY THIS UP.
532
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,834
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE
WITHIN 50 FEET OF DR. SKRUTZ.
533
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:02,089
OKAY. HERE GOES.
534
00:21:02,128 --> 00:21:04,728
(sighs)
WHAT IS THIS?
535
00:21:04,764 --> 00:21:07,104
SORRY. THEY REALLY DRILL
THAT STUFF INTO YOU.
536
00:21:07,133 --> 00:21:09,143
WELL, IT CAN'T HURT.
I NEVER KNOW IF IT'S
RIGHT TO LEFT OR LEFT TO--
537
00:21:09,168 --> 00:21:10,538
I'M GONNA DO A STAR.
538
00:21:13,540 --> 00:21:14,710
(mouthing words)
539
00:21:15,875 --> 00:21:17,075
(gasps)
THERE.
540
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,909
(Elaine) OH!
(all screaming)
541
00:21:18,945 --> 00:21:22,275
(all cheering and laughing)
542
00:21:22,315 --> 00:21:24,575
PART OF MY BRAIN,
PART OF YOUR BRAIN,
543
00:21:24,617 --> 00:21:26,487
EQUALS YOUR BRAIN!
40602
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