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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:08,814 (laughs) 2 00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,512 (snorting) 3 00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,576 (continues snorting and laughing) 4 00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:18,588 WE NEED TO TALK. 5 00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,049 (stops laughing) 6 00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,818 OH. 7 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,485 (Polly) WHO IS THIS GUY WITH MY TONGUE IN HIS MOUTH 8 00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,355 AND HIS HANDS WANDERING SOMEWHERE OUT OF FRAME, 9 00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:27,904 YOU MAY ASK? 10 00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:29,498 WELL, AFTER I STOPPED SEEING SCOTT, 11 00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,430 THE DATING FLOODGATES OPENED. 12 00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,565 BUT NOT IN A SLUTTY WAY. 13 00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,241 IN A CLASSY WAY, 14 00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,439 LIKE HOW THE QUEEN MIGHT OPEN HER FLOODGATES. 15 00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,541 OKAY, FINE, HE WASN'T SUPER CLASSY, 16 00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,213 BUT DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE STING, LIKE--LIKE HIS EYES 17 00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,943 A LITTLE BIT? YOU HAVE TO SQUINT TO GET IT. 18 00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,747 ANYWAY, THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT. 19 00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,749 HIS NAME IS RYAN. HE'S A CUTE PHYSICAL THERAPIST 20 00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,351 THAT HELPED ME OUT WITH MY BACK PROBLEMS. 21 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,523 SO WE WENT OUT TO DINNER, WE HIT IT OFF, 22 00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:52,692 AND IT'S GOING GREAT. MY BACK STILL HURTS, 23 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,520 BUT HE'S A REALLY GOOD KISSER. 24 00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,885 WHY'D YOU STOP? 25 00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,293 UM... 26 00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:59,085 OH, GOD, PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE NOT LOOKING 27 00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:01,797 AT A TALL SWARTHY MAN AND A LADY DRESSED LIKE A FORTUNE-TELLER. 28 00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:04,129 THERE'S A TINY WOMAN WITH A TINY DOG. 29 00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,995 (dog barks) OHH. 30 00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,138 WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? WHY IS SHE NOT IN BED? 31 00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,211 OH, SHE COULDN'T SLEEP, SO WE TOOK HER OUT FOR COFFEE. 32 00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,610 I LIKE COFFEE NOW! YOUR CHILD HAS A SOPHISTICATED PALATE. 33 00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:17,553 IT WAS THE COFFEE THAT MADE ME THINK SHE WAS A WOMAN. 34 00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,978 MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE! MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE! 35 00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,054 THANKS, GUYS! GREAT JOB. MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE! 36 00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:26,153 ENJOY. OKAY. (singsongy) BYE! 37 00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,187 MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE! MOMMY'S... 38 00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:36,055 COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! OKAY. 39 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:40,396 OKAY, SO, UH, SWEETIE, THE MAN YOU SAW MOMMY OUTSIDE WITH 40 00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:44,274 IS MOMMY'S SPECIAL NEW FRIEND. LIKE WITH BENEFITS? 41 00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,265 (laughs) OKAY. SOMEBODY HAS BEEN WATCHING SITCOMS 42 00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:49,237 WHEN THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO. 43 00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:53,977 RYAN... IS MORE THAN MY FRIEND BUT NOT MY BOYFRIEND, OKAY? 44 00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:55,754 DOES DADDY HAVE A SPECIAL FRIEND? 45 00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,923 I DO NOT THINK THAT HE DOES HAVE A SPECIAL FRIEND RIGHT NOW. 46 00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,422 BUT YOU GET TO LIVE HERE WITH ME, GRANDMA, AND GRANDPA, 47 00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,685 AND HE'S ALL ALONE. 48 00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,434 YEAH, BUT, NAT, IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 49 00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,129 NOBODY'S REALLY ALONE, BECAUSE OF THE... INTERNET. 50 00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,802 IT'S NOT FAIR. I WANT DADDY TO BE HAPPY. 51 00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,770 I'M SURE THAT DADDY IS GONNA BE MEET SOMEONE SOON, 52 00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:18,042 AND THEN... WE'LL BOTH HAVE SPECIAL FRIENDS. 53 00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,611 MAYBE SHE'LL BE A COUGAR. 54 00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,310 OKAY, MAYBE I WILL LEARN HOW TO USE THE PARENTAL CONTROLS 55 00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,283 ON THE TV. 56 00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,512 MWAH. 57 00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,816 TWO CAPPUCCINO, POR FAVOR! 58 00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,648 WELL, YOU SEE, WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A SLINKY 59 00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:34,994 WITH INTERCONNECTED HELIXES, AND THE IDEA IS 60 00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:39,232 TO FIND THE ORIGIN OF WHERE IT... BEGINS. 61 00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,130 OH, (bleep) THIS (bleep) WITH THE (bleep). 62 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,301 WHY WOULD YOU PLAY WITH THE KID'S TOYS? 63 00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,001 I WASN'T PLAYING WITH IT. 64 00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:48,042 I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE A NICE... EYE-CATCHING SCARF. 65 00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,975 DID YOU JUST PULL A SPRIG OF TARRAGON OUT OF YOUR BRA? 66 00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,680 WELL, YOU KNOW HOW YOU GO TO THE STORE, AND THEY ONLY 67 00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,352 SELL IT IN THOSE HUGE BAGS? 68 00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:03,581 AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT... A LITTLE TEASPOON OR SO. 69 00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:04,647 WELL, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 70 00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,215 BAY LEAF. 71 00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:09,494 SO NATALIE JUST ASKED ME WHY I'M SEEING SOMEBODY 72 00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,063 AND HER DADDY IS NOT. 73 00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,431 I DIDN'T TELL HER IT'S BECAUSE 74 00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,730 HER DADDY EATS SARDINES OUT OF THE CAN 75 00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,501 LIKE A CAT FROM A CARTOON. 76 00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,999 WELL, YOU BETTER TELL HER TO GET USED TO SEEING HER DADDY 77 00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,400 ALONE FOR A WHILE, BECAUSE YOU, MY DEAR, 78 00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,833 ARE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW. 79 00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,068 THAT IS TRUE. 80 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,742 YOU ARE LIKE A SUPERMODEL PHYSICIST 81 00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,412 WHO HUMBLY WORKS AT A MARKET SO THAT REGULAR PEOPLE 82 00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,341 DON'T KILL THEMSELVES OUT OF JEALOUSY. 83 00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,777 YES, THAT IS WHY I WORK THERE. 84 00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,852 I'M NOT GONNA LIE. 85 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,781 LATELY I HAVE BEEN ON KIND OF A HOT STREAK, 86 00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:40,447 BUT IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I HAVE FORGOTTEN THOSE IN MY LIFE 87 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:44,458 WHO ARE, LET'S SAY, UM... ROMANTICALLY CHALLENGED? 88 00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:48,102 HOW YOU DOING? YOU KNOW, THERE'S ROOM IN THIS SUIT FOR TWO. 89 00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,128 NOTHING? REALLY? 90 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:53,303 WELL, THERE'S NO POINT IN SITTING AROUND FEELING GUILTY. 91 00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:56,644 BE PROACTIVE. GO OUT AND FIND SOMEONE FOR JULIAN. 92 00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:57,970 IT'LL BE GOOD FOR BOTH OF YOU. 93 00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,265 YOU KNOW WHAT? MAYBE YOU COULD FIND HIM 94 00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:00,567 ONE OF THOSE LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS, 95 00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:03,078 AND YOU COULD BE THE ONE AT A DISTANCE. 96 00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,150 BUT ISN'T ME SETTING UP JULIAN KIND OF DIPPING A TOE 97 00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:08,218 INTO A MURKY INTIMACY CESSPOOL? 98 00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,048 HUH. IT'S JUST ONE EX DOING ANOTHER EX A SOLID. 99 00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,994 YOU KNOW? 100 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,460 THAT'S RIGHT. I SAY "SOLID" NOW. 101 00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:15,818 YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT. 102 00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,826 YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE TO DO HIM A SOLID. 103 00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,588 AND YOU. GIVE ME THAT SLINKY. NO, NO, I ALMOST HAVE IT. 104 00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:20,657 GIVE IT, GIVE IT, GIVE IT. NO. 105 00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,304 IT'S NOT... 106 00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,000 THESE ARE EASY. YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND... 107 00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:26,502 THE ORIGIN OF... 108 00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:29,074 WHAT, WAS THIS THING IN A (bleep) TORNADO? 109 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,242 GET IT OFF! 110 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,840 OH. 111 00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:35,412 I-I-I'M--I'M... DONE. I'M DONE. 112 00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,943 (children speaking indistinctly) 113 00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:37,947 (toy squeaks) 114 00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,148 (sighs) 115 00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,349 LOOK, GRANDMA! QUICKIE BAKE OVEN! 116 00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:43,953 OH, THAT'S RIGHT. A TOY OVEN 117 00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:46,594 TO CRUSH THE SPIRIT OF BRILLIANT LITTLE MINDS LIKE YOURS. 118 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,860 "WHAT DO YOU WANNA BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?" 119 00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:52,589 "I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE I'M SHACKLED TO A TINY TOY STOVE." 120 00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,156 CALM DOWN, GRANDMA. 121 00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,364 IT'S THE ONLY BOX HERE WITH COOKIES ON IT. 122 00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:59,127 OH, THERE IT IS. 123 00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,296 (Slinky clanking) 124 00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,504 OH, YEAH. YEAH. 125 00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,044 SO... FUNNY STORY. YEAH? 126 00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,444 I WAS MAKING OUT WITH A GUY IN A CAR LAST NIGHT, 127 00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:09,776 AND NATALIE SAW ME. (laughs) 128 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,040 NOT THAT FUNNY. 129 00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,508 OH, IT'S... 130 00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:13,506 WELL, UNLESS IT'S A THINKER. IS IT A THINKER? 131 00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,047 'CAUSE I LOVE THOSE. 132 00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,322 IT WAS A TOTAL ACCIDENT, OKAY? 133 00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:17,690 I WOULD NEVER JUST GET IT ON WITH A GUY 134 00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:18,888 WHILE OTHER PEOPLE WATCHED. 135 00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,549 I'M NOT SOME CHICK FROM ARIZONA STATE 136 00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:21,958 TRYING TO MAKE MONEY WITH A WEBCAM. 137 00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,829 HEY, IT HAPPENS. WE'RE YOUNG AND HIP. 138 00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,458 NATALIE'S ACCIDENTALLY SEEN ME DO STUFF IN THE CAR BEFORE. 139 00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:30,425 (sobbing) 140 00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,396 THING IS, I TALKED TO HER AFTERWARD, 141 00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:36,465 AND SHE MENTIONED THAT SHE THINKS IT'S UNFAIR 142 00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:40,044 THAT I AM DATING PEOPLE AND THAT YOU... ARE NOT, 143 00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,413 UNLESS YOU ARE AND ARE JUST MORE DISCREET 144 00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:45,653 THAN I HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE. OH, NO. I'M QUITE ALONE. 145 00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,749 WELL, WE SHOULD FIX THAT. I MEAN, NOT JUST FOR NATALIE. 146 00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,882 I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THAT YOU'RE SETTLED AND HAPPY. 147 00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,988 AND ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY THAT YOU HAVE YOUR EYE ON? 148 00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,820 WELL, THERE IS THIS ONE WOMAN WHO COMES IN HERE EVERY DAY 149 00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,026 AND ORDERS A LARGE COOKIES-'N-CREAM. 150 00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:00,188 ALWAYS PAYS WITH CREDIT CARD ENDING IN 8709. 151 00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,397 I THINK I KEPT ONE OF HER RECEIPTS. 152 00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,000 (cell phone rings) 153 00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,371 (ring) 154 00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:06,699 (beep) 155 00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,204 HEY, RYAN, WHAT A NICE SURPRISE. 156 00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:12,106 POLLY, DO YOU WANNA GO TO A $4 MATINEE 157 00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,579 AND NOT WATCH THE MOVIE? 158 00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:16,738 UH... (chuckles) 159 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,107 (whispers) THERE. I CAN'T--I CAN'T TELL WHERE YOU'RE POINTING 160 00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,175 with the giant foam hand. 161 00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,212 ALL RIGHT. RIGHT THERE. 162 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,423 HOLY CRAP. 163 00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,193 "HOLY CRAP," YES, YOU WANNA GO TO THE MOVIE, 164 00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,191 OR "HOLY CRAP" YOU JUST SAW SOME RELIGIOUS... CRAP? 165 00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,694 LET ME--LET ME--LET ME CALL YOU BACK. 166 00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,256 WOW, SHE LOOKS LIKE DAMN, 167 00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,625 HAD A BABY WITH... (high-pitched voice) WHAT? 168 00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,795 I KNOW. I'D LOVE TO BE MR. JULIAN COOKIES-'N-CREAM. 169 00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,044 DON'T YOU THINK WE'D BE GREAT TOGETHER? 170 00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,739 OH, D-- 171 00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:46,471 OH, MY GOD. I CAN TOTALLY SEE YOU TWO TOGETHER. 172 00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,377 I MEAN, HE'S A MODEL/LAWYER, 173 00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,308 AND YOU'RE A... 174 00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,113 WELL, YOU KNOW. 175 00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:03,259 THERE'S NO WAY JULIAN COULD GET A GIRL LIKE THIS. 176 00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:04,830 SHE'S GORGEOUS. SHE WEARS LADY SUITS. 177 00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,388 AND I KNOW A NICE SUIT, OKAY? I HAVE SEEN THEM 178 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,057 ON WOMEN ON TV WHO PLAY PROFESSIONALS 179 00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,656 WHEN I'M WATCHING MY STORIES. 180 00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:13,668 HEY, IN A DEATH MATCH BETWEEN DRAMA CHARACTERS 181 00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,241 WITH NOUNS FOR NAMES, WHO'S GONNA WIN? 182 00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,008 "HOUSE," "CASTLE," OR "BONES"? 183 00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:21,008 WELL... PEOPLE NEED BONES. STOP IT. 184 00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,581 OKAY, GUYS, COME ON. WE NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET A GIRL 185 00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:25,410 TO HOOK UP WITH A GUY WHO IS WAY BENEATH HER. JENN? 186 00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,345 SURE. I'LL HOOK UP WITH HIM. 187 00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,020 WAIT. WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT? 188 00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:32,089 (singsongy) I AM AN INCREDIBLE MATCHMAKER. 189 00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,749 (Max) IT'S TRUE. I AM. 190 00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,117 I SET UP MY GIRLFRIEND PENELOPE. 191 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,485 YOU KNOW HER. SHAPED LIKE A FIRE HYDRANT. 192 00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,264 NEVER STOPS TALKING. BIG. 193 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,931 ANYHOO, SHE'S MARRIED TO A LOVELY GUY 194 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,601 WHO IS A VERY DISTANT COUSIN OF TOM SELLECK. 195 00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,431 TOM WAS AT THE WEDDING. WHAT A HANDSHAKE. 196 00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,096 OKAY. 197 00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,795 ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GET JULIAN AN OPENING WITH THIS GIRL 198 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,868 THAT MAKES HIM SEEM FANTASTIC. 199 00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,276 STEAL SOMETHING OF HERS AND HAVE HIM RETURN IT 200 00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,278 OR STAB HER AND HAVE HIM DRAG HER TO THE HOSPITAL. 201 00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,180 YEAH. DON'T DO THOSE. 202 00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,312 OR... HE COULD GO UP AND TALK TO HER. 203 00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:04,348 SAID A MAN WHO HAS NEVER DONE THAT IN HIS OWN LIFE. 204 00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:07,794 SO MANY OPTIONS. 205 00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,121 (whirling sound) 206 00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,286 (laughs) 207 00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,293 (chuckles) WHAT YOU GOT THERE? 208 00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,455 GOT A NEW SLINKY. YEAH. I CAN SEE THAT. 209 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,464 VERY NICE SLINKY. YEAH. 210 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,126 AND I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE THAT THERE'S NO-- 211 00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,565 THERE'S NO BOX OR RECEIPT. 212 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:22,802 UNH-UNH. 213 00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,866 ELAINE, PERCHANCE DID YOU, UM, 214 00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,906 STEAL THAT SLINKY? IT'S A SAMPLE. 215 00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:31,481 SAMPLE? I SEE. THERE'S NO WAY THAT SLINKY... GAVE SAMPLES. 216 00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,481 YEAH. LISTEN TO ME. THE TARRAGON, 217 00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,053 THE SAGE THAT YOU PULL OUT OF YOUR BOOBS-- 218 00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,552 THOSE GROW IN THE WILD, SO THERE IS A CONTEXT 219 00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:38,745 WHERE THOSE ARE FREE. 220 00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,246 YEAH. BUT THIS, MY DARLING, 221 00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:43,387 WAS MADE BY SOMEONE IN CHINA AND SHIPPED ON A BOAT. 222 00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,263 WHAT DOES A CHINESE GUY GOT TO DO WITH IT? 223 00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,992 THERE ARE INTERNATIONAL COMPLICATIONS, 224 00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,897 AND THAT MAKES ME ANXIOUS. 225 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,260 YOU'RE BACKSLIDING 226 00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:54,268 INTO SOME ANXIETY-PROVOKING TERRITORY. 227 00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:55,501 RIGHT? 228 00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,465 (funk rock music playing) 229 00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,375 (New Wave music playing) 230 00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:13,287 (Grunge rock music playing) 231 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:22,131 THESE ARE LITTLE, ITTY-BITTY, TEENY SHMEGEGGE. 232 00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:25,032 "ITTY-BITTY SHMEGEGGE" IS NOT A LEGAL DEFENSE. 233 00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,465 THAT'S MY WHOLE POINT. I DON'T NEED A LEGAL DEFENSE. 234 00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,270 I AM IN MY OWN HOME. 235 00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,473 NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED TO ME EXCEPT YOU HOCKING ME. 236 00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:36,406 THE HONORABLE ELAINE GREEN IS GOING TO TAKE A BATH. 237 00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:37,883 CASE CLOSED. 238 00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,611 YOU WEREN'T THE JUDGE IN THAT SCENARIO. 239 00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:43,148 ITTY-BITTY! 240 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:46,893 * YOGURT'S GOOD, AND IT GOES IN YOUR BODY * 241 00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,390 SINCE IT'S HARD FOR A 6-FOOT TALL DESSERT 242 00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,161 TO ASK OUT A GORGEOUS WOMAN, 243 00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,490 IT'S MY JOB TO CONVINCE THIS COMPLETE STRANGER 244 00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,234 WHAT A GREAT GUY JULIAN IS. 245 00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,730 (sighs) 246 00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,802 HI. 247 00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,500 EXCUSE ME. YES? 248 00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,673 UM... JUST... I-- I WAS JUST WONDERING, 249 00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,774 ARE YOU AWARE HOW MUCH CARBOXYMETHYLCELLULOSE 250 00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,106 IS IN THIS YOGURT? 251 00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,180 CARBOXYMETHYLCELLULOSE? 252 00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,639 YEAH. IT'S A THICKENING AGENT, 253 00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:12,308 ALSO USED IN PERSONAL LUBRICANTS AND LAXATIVES. 254 00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,675 HI. I'M POLLY. 255 00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:17,215 WOW, YOU ARE EVEN PRETTIER UP CLOSE. 256 00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:21,349 (indistinct conversations) 257 00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,358 POLLY! 258 00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,090 SO? HOW'D IT GO? DID WE SET A DATE? 259 00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,125 OH, I CAN'T DO WEDNESDAYS. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU. 260 00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,600 THAT'S WHEN I COLLECT BOTTLES AND CANS 261 00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,928 FOR "THE BOY SCOUTS." 262 00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,274 I MADE SOME SOLID PROGRESS. 263 00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,699 I MEAN, I WAS, YOU KNOW, SLOW PLAYING IT, 264 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,144 BUT, UH, SHE SEEMS SUPER RECEPTIVE. 265 00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,709 OH, POLLY, THANK YOU. THANK YOU. A GIRL LIKE THIS-- 266 00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,369 SHE COULD CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE. 267 00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,937 I MEAN, MAYBE I'D START GOING TO NIGHT SCHOOL, 268 00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,435 AND THEN MAYBE MY DREAM-- 269 00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,706 I'D GET TO OPEN ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE FANTASY CAMP. 270 00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,717 HUH? OH! IT ALL STARTS WITH HER. 271 00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,789 WOW. YOU SOUND... REALLY INSPIRED. 272 00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,149 WELL, YEAH. HAVE YOU SEEN HER? 273 00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,446 SHE'S A LIFE-CHANGER. 274 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,387 I MEAN, I'D GO GAY FOR THIS CHICK. 275 00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:59,193 SOMEBODY WHO YOU REFUSED TO CHANGE ANYTHING FOR 276 00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,856 MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE JEALOUS OR ANGRY FROM THAT. 277 00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,695 OH, MY--NO, NO, POLLY, I DON'T WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY, 278 00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,972 ALL RIGHT? THIS IS A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION. 279 00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,700 I MEAN, SHE'S CRAZY BEAUTIFUL. 280 00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:12,306 AWESOME. WAY TO DIG YOURSELF OUT. 281 00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,209 THANKS. 282 00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,911 THAT WAS THE MOMENT I REALIZED WHY PEOPLE DON'T SET UP... 283 00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,984 (imitates gunshot) THEIR EXES--BECAUSE OF THE POTENTIALLY BAD FEELINGS 284 00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,312 THEY CAN DREDGE UP, 285 00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,577 LIKE THE DESIRE TO TAKE THAT SPOON 286 00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,884 AND SHOVE IT UP HIS CONE HOLE. 287 00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,347 (Elaine) HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT. 288 00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:28,817 DON'T YOU THINK I'M PRETTY? 289 00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,586 OH, WE ARE SO MUCH PRETTIER THAN HER. 290 00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:34,764 I MAY NOT BE... LIFE-CHANGING PRETTY. 291 00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:35,925 WELL, I CHANGED MY LIFE FOR YOU. 292 00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,833 I GAVE UP MY SECOND BATHROOM. 293 00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,825 SHE'S BETTER THAN ME, WHICH IS WHY I COULDN'T TALK TO HER. 294 00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:43,237 SHE IS NOT BETTER THAN YOU, AND I'LL GIVE IT A WHIRL. 295 00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,110 I CAN TALK TO ANYONE, ANYWHERE, ANYTIME, 296 00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,508 EVEN UNDERWATER. 297 00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,739 I'M DOING IT. 298 00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:49,505 GREAT. 299 00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:53,082 HI. I'M ELAINE. 300 00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,253 OLIVIA. 301 00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:57,251 OLIVIA. I KNEW AN OLIVIA ONCE. 302 00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,794 TRIED TO SUFFOCATE ME AT SUMMER CAMP, 303 00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,290 SO I TOLD THE COUNSELOR SHE WAS PREGNANT. 304 00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,921 SHE WAS ONLY 8 AT THE TIME, SO NOTHING CAME OF IT. 305 00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,756 (chuckles) (laughs) 306 00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,192 YEAH. SIMPLER TIMES. 307 00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,697 YOU'RE FUNNY. 308 00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,958 I KNOW. RIGHT? (tap) 309 00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:13,268 YOU'RE SO PRETTY. 310 00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,540 (indistinct conversations) 311 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,138 (singsongy, clenched teeth) I GOT HER NUMBER. 312 00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,770 (singsongy) I GOT HER iPad. 313 00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,067 WHAT? 314 00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,438 ARE YOU INSANE? 315 00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,605 WHAT? THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO! 316 00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:25,814 WELL, JUST BECAUSE I'M TALKING 317 00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,306 DOESN'T MEAN I'M SAYING ANYTHING. 318 00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,377 I WAS EXAGGERATING FOR AN EFFECT. 319 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,786 I ALSO TOLD YOU TO STAB HER AND DRAG HER TO THE HOSPITAL, 320 00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,149 BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU TO DO IT. 321 00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,746 WELL, APPARENTLY MY EX-HUSBAND LIKING SOMEONE 322 00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,058 WHO MAKES ME LOOK LIKE A BLOB OF RAW HAMBURGER 323 00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,929 IS MESSING WITH MY HEAD. 324 00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,728 BUT NEXT TIME, I'LL KNOW NOT TO TAKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS. 325 00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,429 GET IN THE CAR. GET IN THE CAR NOW. 326 00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:44,061 THAT ONE I'LL TAKE. 327 00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,667 (door creaks) 328 00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,468 HEY. 329 00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,170 WELL, I HOPE YOU LIKE SEX, BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE 330 00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,114 A LOT OF IT, MISTER. (door closes) 331 00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,910 AS A RESULT OF A SMALL MISUNDERSTANDING WITH MY MOM, 332 00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,982 I AM NOW IN POSSESSION OF HER... (singsongy) iPad. 333 00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,251 LIKE YOU STOLE IT? 334 00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,480 BAD PEOPLE STEAL, OKAY? 335 00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,084 GOOD PEOPLE ARE MERELY INVOLVED IN, UH, 336 00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,746 ROMANTIC HIGH-JINKS. 337 00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:05,994 IF MEG RYAN TOOK IT, 338 00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,419 YOU WOULD STILL BE ON HER SIDE, RIGHT? 339 00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:08,664 AND THEN YOU COULD BE TOM HANKS AND RETURN IT, 340 00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:09,788 AND THAT WOULD BE YOUR MEET-CUTE, 341 00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:10,923 AND THEN I WOULD STILL BE MEG RYAN 342 00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,428 AND NOT SOME THIEVING LUNATIC. 343 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,529 POLLY, SHE'S PROBABLY CALLED THE COPS ALREADY. 344 00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:16,601 OKAY, THERE ARE TRACKING DEVICES ON THESE THINGS. 345 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,969 SO... DOES SHE KNOW EXACTLY WHERE THIS iPad IS? 346 00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,529 DOES SHE KNOW THAT I TOOK IT? 347 00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:21,997 DOES SHE SEE ME RIGHT NOW ON THAT TINY, LITTLE CAMERA? 348 00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,935 I'M SO SORRY. I'M SORRY. 349 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,211 OH, MY GOD. THE COPS ARE PROBABLY 350 00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,138 ON THEIR WAY OVER HERE RIGHT NOW! WHAT? 351 00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,184 I GOTTA TAKE THIS THING TO A BACK OF A BUS OR SOMETHING. 352 00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:33,109 HELP ME FIND MY TAPE! OH, WHERE'S MY BUS SCHEDULE? I DON'T KNOW! 353 00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,776 (papers rustling) WHY DO YOU HAVE A BUS SCHEDULE? 354 00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,954 OH. (chuckles) FUNNY STORY. IT'S ONLY BECAUSE 355 00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:39,324 I DON'T HAVE A STOLEN iPad TO LOOK IT UP ON! 356 00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,792 YEAH, WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE 357 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,820 GONNA PICK SOMEBODY WHO'S SO OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE? 358 00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:46,556 OUT OF MY LEAGUE? YOU THINK SHE IS OUT OF MY LEAGUE? 359 00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,303 YOU PROBABLY THINK YOU WERE OUT OF MY LEAGUE. 360 00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,898 I AM. 361 00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:50,900 YOU LIVE AT HOME WITH YOUR PARENTS. 362 00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,571 I HAVE MY OWN ABODE. 363 00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:55,569 WITH A YOGURT COSTUME HANGING IN THE SHOWER! 364 00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,002 YOU SMELL LIKE CHEESE. 365 00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,837 CHEESE-SELLIN' GIRL. 366 00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:02,212 CHEESE-SELLIN' WOMAN WHO HAPPENS TO BE DATING A GREAT-ASS GUY 367 00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,342 WHO SHE LOVES SPENDING TIME WITH. (cell phone rings, beep) 368 00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,647 HEY, BABY, TERRIBLE TIMING. 369 00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,979 H-HEY, POLLY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE WORKING TODAY. 370 00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,676 YEAH, POLLY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE WORKING TODAY. 371 00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,248 THIS GUY IS REALLY CUTE. (giggles) 372 00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,857 I'M ALMOST THERE. I'M PULLING IN. 373 00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,489 I'M RIGHT BEHIND THAT CAR. SEE ME? 374 00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,594 OH... 375 00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,255 (knock on door) 376 00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,003 (whispers) IT'S HER. 377 00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,600 GOTTA GO. Wait, wait, wait, wait. 378 00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,371 ARE YOU BLOWING ME OFF? 379 00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:29,069 NO. I AM--BYE. (cell phone beeps) 380 00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,442 (beep) 381 00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,110 (Olivia) UH, I CAN HEAR YOU IN THERE! 382 00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:38,010 (high-pitched Spanish accent) MISTER JULIAN NO ESTá AQUí! 383 00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,775 ABRE ESTA PUERTA AHORA! 384 00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,522 GREAT. SHE SPEAKS GERMAN, TOO. 385 00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,449 (sighs) 386 00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:50,455 (both) HI. 387 00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:51,690 I... SUPPOSE YOU'RE WONDERING 388 00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:52,794 IF WE HAVE YOUR iPad. 389 00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,955 YES. YES, WE DO. 390 00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,955 AND I BET YOU'RE WONDERING WHY-- 391 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,727 I ASSUME YOU AND THAT GYPSY WOMAN 392 00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,065 STOLE IT AT THE YOGURT PLACE 393 00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,470 AND THEN BROUGHT IT BACK TO THIS... 394 00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,642 WHAT I CAN ONLY GUESS IS YOUR SON'S FIRST APARTMENT. 395 00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:07,211 SON? HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?! 396 00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,640 DON'T ANSWER THAT. 397 00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:11,075 MISS, I AM SO SORRY, OKAY? 398 00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,781 I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS HAPPENING UNTIL JUST NOW. 399 00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:15,622 TRUE. SEE, MY FRIEND THOUGHT THIS WOULD BE A GOOD WAY 400 00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,888 FOR ME TO MEET YOU AND THEN ASK YOU OUT. 401 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,948 A WAY TO ASK ME OUT? YEAH. 402 00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:24,058 YOU STEAL A PERSON'S iPad IN ORDER TO ASK HER OUT? 403 00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,591 WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT? 404 00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,325 A MOTHER. 405 00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,830 A RESPONSIBLE SINGLE MOTHER WHO'S JUST TRYING 406 00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:32,472 TO SEE HER DAUGHTER SMILE. 407 00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:35,999 YOU KNOW, SEE, THE-- THE TWINKLE IN HER EYE-- 408 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:39,406 SPARK--JUST LIGHTS YOUR HEART AFLAME. NOT BUYING IT. 409 00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:44,739 I ASSUME WE'RE NOT... PRESSING CHARGES HERE, RIGHT? 410 00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,447 (beep) 411 00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,179 FIGURED OUT WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE LINT TRAP ON THE DRYER. 412 00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:51,676 IT'S CLOGGED WITH OREGANO. A LITTLE... (smacks lips) 413 00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:52,688 RIGHT? 414 00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,019 WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE? 415 00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,164 THAT WAS NATALIE'S SCHOOL. 416 00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:59,359 I HAVE DONE A BAD THING. 417 00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,832 NATALIE GOT CAUGHT TAKING 418 00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,260 ANOTHER KID'S PRETTY PRINCESS CALCULATOR, 419 00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,025 AND SHE SAID, "GRANDMA TAKES THINGS, 420 00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,374 SO IT MUST BE OKAY." 421 00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,368 SHE SAW YOU TAKE THAT SLINKY. 422 00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,440 OR THE CORIANDER. THE--THE WHAT? 423 00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,039 I DON'T KNOW. 424 00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,941 I ALSO INADVERTENTLY CONVINCED POLLY 425 00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,612 TO COMMIT AN ACTUAL... WELL, THE ONLY WORD IS "CRIME." 426 00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,943 I KNEW WHEN I MARRIED YOU, 427 00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,177 I'D HAVE TO PUT AN ATTORNEY ON RETAINER. 428 00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,852 AM I JUST A HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL? 429 00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,681 I MEAN, YEAH, I CAN PLAY A ROLE. 430 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,786 I'VE DONE SOME MODELING, BUT YOU PUT THE TWO TOGETHER, 431 00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,018 AND EVERYTHING TURNS TO CRAP. 432 00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,785 SHOULD I JUST GO PUT MY HEAD IN THE OVEN? 433 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,732 ELAINE, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT PEOPLE LOOK UP TO YOU. 434 00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,059 WELCOME TO MY WORLD. 435 00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,964 OH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH, 436 00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,365 MR. SMARTY PANTS, PERFECT PERSON. 437 00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,898 WHAT'S IT LIKE TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME? 438 00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,632 RIGHT NOW, NOT THAT GREAT. 439 00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,138 WELL, I'M GONNA GO TAKE ANOTHER BATH. OKAY. 440 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,411 JUST PLEASE NO HERBS IN THE BATHTUB, 441 00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,078 BECAUSE THE, UH, DRAIN LOOKS LIKE BRUSCHETTA. 442 00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,038 (exhales) 443 00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,381 (whispers) DO WHAT YOU WANT. 444 00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,923 AAH! GOD! WHOA! AAH! (laughs) 445 00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,815 UM... HI. 446 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,757 I KNOW I'M HARD TO REACH, BUT, UM, 447 00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,833 YOU WAITING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE IS A LITTLE CREEPY. 448 00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,432 OH, I KNOW. MY BAD. I-I DON'T NORMALLY DO THIS. 449 00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,674 IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT WE HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME, 450 00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,070 AND YOU KEEP BLOWING ME OFF. 451 00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,372 I OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION. 452 00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:17,743 I KNOW I'VE NOT BEEN AROUND LATELY, 453 00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:20,740 BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO GET MY EX LAID, 454 00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,413 WHICH IMMEDIATELY DOES SOUND WEIRD WHEN I SAY IT OUT LOUD. 455 00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,513 NO! NO, I MEAN... IT'S DYSFUNCTIONAL, 456 00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:31,046 BUT, UH, OBVIOUSLY, YOU CARE A LOT FOR YOUR EX. 457 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,754 I WOULD NEVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT, 458 00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:35,355 BUT I GET IT. THAT'S REAL MATURE OF YOU. 459 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,918 BUT WEIRD, RIGHT? 460 00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,626 NOT LIKE WEBBED FEET WEIRD, BUT... 461 00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:40,959 (laughs) STILL, YEAH. 462 00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:42,933 SO COULD I CALL YOU SOON? 463 00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:46,402 APPARENTLY, YOU'RE VERY INTENT ON GETTING PEOPLE LAID, SO YES. 464 00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,933 (laughs) 465 00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:52,169 (sitar music playing) 466 00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,875 OH, NO. WHAT HAPPENED? 467 00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,250 ME. 468 00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:02,449 TRAPPED IN A SPIDER WEB OF MY OWN MAKING. 469 00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,082 OH, AND SOME PENISES. GOT BORED. (sighs) 470 00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:08,048 WELL, THE WHOLE iPad, FANCY LADY THING WAS A BUST. 471 00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,117 ALL MY FAULT. 472 00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:13,787 NO. IT'S ALL MY FAULT. 473 00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,596 I... LIKE THIS. KEEP GOING. 474 00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:19,728 I HAVE GOT TO BE MORE AWARE OF MY INFLUENCE. 475 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,296 MM-HMM. ON YOU AND NATALIE. 476 00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:22,674 WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED WITH NATALIE? 477 00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,842 UH... NOTHING. WELL, SOMETHING. 478 00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,241 SOMETHING OR NOTHING? NO, NOTHING. IT'S... WELL, SOMETHING. 479 00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,114 I'M NOT GONNA TAKE ANOTHER BATH. 480 00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,482 MY FINGERNAILS ARE COMING OFF. 481 00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,840 NOTHING. 482 00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,408 WHAT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT AGAIN? 483 00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,416 I FEEL TERRIBLE. JULIAN IS SO MAD AT ME. 484 00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,849 DO I SMELL LIKE CHEESE? 485 00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,994 YOU DO. IT'S A SITUATION. 486 00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:43,359 WHAT? LOOK, YOU SET OUT TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR JULIAN, 487 00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:46,930 BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT, IT BECAME LESS ABOUT HIM 488 00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,659 AND MORE ABOUT YOU. 489 00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,295 WELL, IT SUCKS THAT HE WOULD CHANGE FOR HER... MM-HMM. 490 00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,471 AND NOT FOR ME. 491 00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:55,199 BUT SO WHAT? BIG DEAL. 492 00:18:55,235 --> 00:19:00,035 EVERYBODY DESERVES TO FIND SOMEONE WHO MAKES THEM BETTER. 493 00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,542 MAX MAKES ME BETTER. 494 00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,714 OH, AND I DEFINITELY MAKE HIM BETTER. 495 00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,953 YOU GOT ALL THAT FROM A BATH? 496 00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,878 11 BATHS. 497 00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,345 (door creaks) HEY. 498 00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,654 HEY. UM... CAN WE TALK? 499 00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:17,186 OF COURSE. I'D LIKE THAT. 500 00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:20,234 I... (sighs) JUST WANT TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT EARLIER. 501 00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:24,000 (door creaks) I REALIZED THAT I KIND OF WAS MA-- 502 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,400 HEY THERE. 503 00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,996 OH, MY GOD. I'M SO SORRY. 504 00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,004 I HAD NO IDEA THAT YOU TWO WERE, UM... 505 00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,036 DID SOME SORT OF MAJOR SPILL HAPPEN THAT REQUIRED 506 00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,841 THE TWO OF YOU TO WASH OFF? 507 00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,413 SPILL? NO. 508 00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,983 SO YOU GUYS WERE... IN, UH... 509 00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,751 RECREATIONAL FASHION? 510 00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,220 WHAT CAN I SAY? I HAVE A SOFT SPOT 511 00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,979 FOR WELL-MEANING, LOVABLE, BEARDED MESSES. 512 00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,587 (exhales) 513 00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,759 AND I'VE GOT A SOFT SPOT RIGHT HERE. 514 00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,518 YES, YOU DO. (laughs) 515 00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:51,757 WELL, THEY'VE GOTTA INVENT 516 00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,261 A SHOULDER MOUNT FOR THESE THINGS. 517 00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,433 My arm is on fire. 518 00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,731 BUT IF I HOLD IT ANY LOWER, 519 00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:57,402 I LOOK LIKE JAY LENO. 520 00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,930 Uh... AH. 521 00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:00,425 PRETTY. Yeah. Okay, that's better. 522 00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,937 (laughs) I feel like I'm 8 feet tall. 523 00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:05,839 I AM SO SORRY FOR HOW I ACTED THIS WEEK. 524 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,242 AND THANK YOU FOR BEING SO UNDERSTANDING. 525 00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,205 Hey, listen, I was inspired by you. 526 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,213 Okay? I thought about what you said, 527 00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,445 and I think it's a really good idea to be close to your ex, 528 00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:17,351 so I went over to her house to help hang some tapestry, 529 00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:20,694 and we... ended up getting back together. 530 00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:21,920 Say hi, Denise. 531 00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:24,694 (mouth full) Hi, Polly. 532 00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,264 GREAT. YOU GUYS ARE SUCH A CUTE COUPLE. 533 00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,464 (giggles) 534 00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:30,225 (sighs) 535 00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:33,103 Pol--Polly? Polly? 536 00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,613 OKAY, WE ARE HERE 537 00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:41,468 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND I WANT TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE. 538 00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:42,978 CAN WE GET COFFEE AFTER? 539 00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,639 NO. YEAH. NO. 540 00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,207 (mouths words) 541 00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,315 HELLO, MA'AM. 542 00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:51,718 I AM HERE BECAUSE I HAVE DONE A VERY BAD THING. 543 00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,721 I HAVE STOLEN THIS SLINKY FROM YOUR STORE, 544 00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,794 AND I AM HERE TO RETURN IT BECAUSE I REALIZED 545 00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,564 HOW WRONG IT IS. 546 00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,732 "WHAT'S THE CATCH?" YOU MAY ASK. 547 00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,431 WELL... THERE ISN'T ONE. 548 00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:06,103 I ONLY ASK THAT YOU PAY IT FORWARD. 549 00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:09,744 SEE, THAT'S HOW GROWNUPS HANDLE A SITUATION 550 00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,469 WHEN THEY MAKE A MISTAKE. 551 00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:14,174 I THINK ALL OF US LEARNED SOMETHING HERE TODAY. 552 00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:16,176 (laughs) 553 00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:17,578 (alarm blaring) 554 00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:18,950 ELAINE? 555 00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:20,348 RUN! WHAT-- 556 00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,780 RUN! 41000

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