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1
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:08,814
(laughs)
2
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,512
(snorting)
3
00:00:12,546 --> 00:00:15,576
(continues snorting
and laughing)
4
00:00:17,618 --> 00:00:18,588
WE NEED TO TALK.
5
00:00:18,619 --> 00:00:20,049
(stops laughing)
6
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,818
OH.
7
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:24,485
(Polly) WHO IS THIS GUY
WITH MY TONGUE IN HIS MOUTH
8
00:00:24,525 --> 00:00:26,355
AND HIS HANDS WANDERING
SOMEWHERE OUT OF FRAME,
9
00:00:26,394 --> 00:00:27,904
YOU MAY ASK?
10
00:00:27,928 --> 00:00:29,498
WELL, AFTER I STOPPED
SEEING SCOTT,
11
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:31,430
THE DATING FLOODGATES OPENED.
12
00:00:31,465 --> 00:00:33,565
BUT NOT IN A SLUTTY WAY.
13
00:00:33,601 --> 00:00:35,241
IN A CLASSY WAY,
14
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:37,439
LIKE HOW THE QUEEN
MIGHT OPEN HER FLOODGATES.
15
00:00:37,471 --> 00:00:39,541
OKAY, FINE,
HE WASN'T SUPER CLASSY,
16
00:00:39,573 --> 00:00:42,213
BUT DOESN'T HE LOOK LIKE STING,
LIKE--LIKE HIS EYES
17
00:00:42,243 --> 00:00:43,943
A LITTLE BIT?
YOU HAVE TO SQUINT TO GET IT.
18
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,747
ANYWAY, THIS ONE IS DIFFERENT.
19
00:00:45,779 --> 00:00:47,749
HIS NAME IS RYAN.
HE'S A CUTE PHYSICAL THERAPIST
20
00:00:47,781 --> 00:00:49,351
THAT HELPED ME OUT
WITH MY BACK PROBLEMS.
21
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:51,523
SO WE WENT OUT TO DINNER,
WE HIT IT OFF,
22
00:00:51,552 --> 00:00:52,692
AND IT'S GOING GREAT.
MY BACK STILL HURTS,
23
00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,520
BUT HE'S A REALLY GOOD KISSER.
24
00:00:54,555 --> 00:00:55,885
WHY'D YOU STOP?
25
00:00:55,923 --> 00:00:57,293
UM...
26
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:59,085
OH, GOD, PLEASE TELL ME
YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
27
00:00:59,127 --> 00:01:01,797
AT A TALL SWARTHY MAN AND A LADY
DRESSED LIKE A FORTUNE-TELLER.
28
00:01:01,829 --> 00:01:04,129
THERE'S A TINY WOMAN
WITH A TINY DOG.
29
00:01:04,165 --> 00:01:05,995
(dog barks)
OHH.
30
00:01:07,568 --> 00:01:10,138
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
WHY IS SHE NOT IN BED?
31
00:01:10,171 --> 00:01:12,211
OH, SHE COULDN'T SLEEP,
SO WE TOOK HER OUT FOR COFFEE.
32
00:01:12,240 --> 00:01:15,610
I LIKE COFFEE NOW!
YOUR CHILD HAS
A SOPHISTICATED PALATE.
33
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:17,553
IT WAS THE COFFEE THAT
MADE ME THINK SHE WAS A WOMAN.
34
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:20,978
MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE!
MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE!
35
00:01:21,014 --> 00:01:23,054
THANKS, GUYS! GREAT JOB.
MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE!
36
00:01:23,083 --> 00:01:26,153
ENJOY. OKAY.
(singsongy) BYE!
37
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:28,187
MOMMY'S KISSING SOMEONE!
MOMMY'S...
38
00:01:32,025 --> 00:01:36,055
COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE!
COFFEE! COFFEE! COFFEE!
OKAY.
39
00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:40,396
OKAY, SO, UH, SWEETIE, THE MAN
YOU SAW MOMMY OUTSIDE WITH
40
00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:44,274
IS MOMMY'S SPECIAL NEW FRIEND.
LIKE WITH BENEFITS?
41
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:46,265
(laughs) OKAY. SOMEBODY
HAS BEEN WATCHING SITCOMS
42
00:01:46,307 --> 00:01:49,237
WHEN THEY ARE NOT
SUPPOSED TO.
43
00:01:49,277 --> 00:01:53,977
RYAN... IS MORE THAN MY FRIEND
BUT NOT MY BOYFRIEND, OKAY?
44
00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:55,754
DOES DADDY HAVE
A SPECIAL FRIEND?
45
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:58,923
I DO NOT THINK THAT HE DOES HAVE
A SPECIAL FRIEND RIGHT NOW.
46
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,422
BUT YOU GET TO LIVE HERE
WITH ME, GRANDMA, AND GRANDPA,
47
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,685
AND HE'S ALL ALONE.
48
00:02:03,724 --> 00:02:05,434
YEAH, BUT, NAT,
IF YOU THINK ABOUT IT,
49
00:02:05,459 --> 00:02:08,129
NOBODY'S REALLY ALONE,
BECAUSE OF THE... INTERNET.
50
00:02:08,162 --> 00:02:10,802
IT'S NOT FAIR.
I WANT DADDY TO BE HAPPY.
51
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:14,770
I'M SURE THAT DADDY IS
GONNA BE MEET SOMEONE SOON,
52
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:18,042
AND THEN... WE'LL BOTH
HAVE SPECIAL FRIENDS.
53
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,611
MAYBE SHE'LL BE A COUGAR.
54
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:22,310
OKAY, MAYBE I WILL LEARN HOW
TO USE THE PARENTAL CONTROLS
55
00:02:22,343 --> 00:02:24,283
ON THE TV.
56
00:02:24,312 --> 00:02:25,512
MWAH.
57
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:27,816
TWO CAPPUCCINO, POR FAVOR!
58
00:02:27,848 --> 00:02:30,648
WELL, YOU SEE,
WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A SLINKY
59
00:02:30,684 --> 00:02:34,994
WITH INTERCONNECTED HELIXES,
AND THE IDEA IS
60
00:02:35,022 --> 00:02:39,232
TO FIND THE ORIGIN
OF WHERE IT... BEGINS.
61
00:02:39,260 --> 00:02:41,130
OH, (bleep) THIS (bleep)
WITH THE (bleep).
62
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,301
WHY WOULD YOU PLAY
WITH THE KID'S TOYS?
63
00:02:43,331 --> 00:02:45,001
I WASN'T PLAYING WITH IT.
64
00:02:45,032 --> 00:02:48,042
I THOUGHT IT WOULD MAKE
A NICE... EYE-CATCHING SCARF.
65
00:02:54,275 --> 00:02:56,975
DID YOU JUST PULL A SPRIG
OF TARRAGON OUT OF YOUR BRA?
66
00:02:57,010 --> 00:02:58,680
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW YOU GO TO
THE STORE, AND THEY ONLY
67
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,352
SELL IT IN THOSE HUGE BAGS?
68
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:03,581
AND SOMETIMES YOU JUST WANT...
A LITTLE TEASPOON OR SO.
69
00:03:03,617 --> 00:03:04,647
WELL,
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
70
00:03:04,685 --> 00:03:06,215
BAY LEAF.
71
00:03:06,254 --> 00:03:09,494
SO NATALIE JUST ASKED ME
WHY I'M SEEING SOMEBODY
72
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,063
AND HER DADDY IS NOT.
73
00:03:11,091 --> 00:03:12,431
I DIDN'T TELL HER
IT'S BECAUSE
74
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:13,730
HER DADDY EATS SARDINES
OUT OF THE CAN
75
00:03:13,761 --> 00:03:15,501
LIKE A CAT FROM A CARTOON.
76
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:16,999
WELL, YOU BETTER TELL HER
TO GET USED TO SEEING HER DADDY
77
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:19,400
ALONE FOR A WHILE,
BECAUSE YOU, MY DEAR,
78
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:20,833
ARE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.
79
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,068
THAT IS TRUE.
80
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,742
YOU ARE LIKE
A SUPERMODEL PHYSICIST
81
00:03:24,772 --> 00:03:27,412
WHO HUMBLY WORKS AT A MARKET
SO THAT REGULAR PEOPLE
82
00:03:27,441 --> 00:03:29,341
DON'T KILL THEMSELVES
OUT OF JEALOUSY.
83
00:03:29,377 --> 00:03:31,777
YES, THAT IS WHY I WORK THERE.
84
00:03:31,812 --> 00:03:33,852
I'M NOT GONNA LIE.
85
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:36,781
LATELY I HAVE BEEN ON
KIND OF A HOT STREAK,
86
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:40,447
BUT IS IT POSSIBLE THAT I HAVE
FORGOTTEN THOSE IN MY LIFE
87
00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:44,458
WHO ARE, LET'S SAY, UM...
ROMANTICALLY CHALLENGED?
88
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:48,102
HOW YOU DOING? YOU KNOW, THERE'S
ROOM IN THIS SUIT FOR TWO.
89
00:03:48,128 --> 00:03:50,128
NOTHING? REALLY?
90
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:53,303
WELL, THERE'S NO POINT IN
SITTING AROUND FEELING GUILTY.
91
00:03:53,334 --> 00:03:56,644
BE PROACTIVE. GO OUT
AND FIND SOMEONE FOR JULIAN.
92
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:57,970
IT'LL BE GOOD FOR BOTH OF YOU.
93
00:03:58,005 --> 00:03:59,265
YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE YOU COULD FIND HIM
94
00:03:59,307 --> 00:04:00,567
ONE OF THOSE
LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS,
95
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:03,078
AND YOU COULD BE THE ONE
AT A DISTANCE.
96
00:04:03,110 --> 00:04:05,150
BUT ISN'T ME SETTING UP JULIAN
KIND OF DIPPING A TOE
97
00:04:05,178 --> 00:04:08,218
INTO A MURKY
INTIMACY CESSPOOL?
98
00:04:08,248 --> 00:04:11,048
HUH. IT'S JUST ONE EX
DOING ANOTHER EX A SOLID.
99
00:04:11,084 --> 00:04:12,994
YOU KNOW?
100
00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:14,460
THAT'S RIGHT.
I SAY "SOLID" NOW.
101
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:15,818
YOU DON'T HAVE TO MAKE
A BIG DEAL ABOUT IT.
102
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:17,826
YOU KNOW, I WOULD LOVE
TO DO HIM A SOLID.
103
00:04:17,858 --> 00:04:19,588
AND YOU. GIVE ME THAT SLINKY.
NO, NO, I ALMOST HAVE IT.
104
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:20,657
GIVE IT, GIVE IT, GIVE IT. NO.
105
00:04:20,694 --> 00:04:22,304
IT'S NOT...
106
00:04:22,330 --> 00:04:25,000
THESE ARE EASY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO FIND...
107
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:26,502
THE ORIGIN OF...
108
00:04:26,534 --> 00:04:29,074
WHAT, WAS THIS THING
IN A (bleep) TORNADO?
109
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,242
GET IT OFF!
110
00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:31,840
OH.
111
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:35,412
I-I-I'M--I'M... DONE.
I'M DONE.
112
00:04:35,443 --> 00:04:36,943
(children speaking indistinctly)
113
00:04:36,977 --> 00:04:37,947
(toy squeaks)
114
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,148
(sighs)
115
00:04:39,179 --> 00:04:42,349
LOOK, GRANDMA!
QUICKIE BAKE OVEN!
116
00:04:42,383 --> 00:04:43,953
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
A TOY OVEN
117
00:04:43,984 --> 00:04:46,594
TO CRUSH THE SPIRIT OF BRILLIANT
LITTLE MINDS LIKE YOURS.
118
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:48,860
"WHAT DO YOU WANNA BE
WHEN YOU GROW UP?"
119
00:04:48,889 --> 00:04:52,589
"I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE I'M
SHACKLED TO A TINY TOY STOVE."
120
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,156
CALM DOWN, GRANDMA.
121
00:04:54,194 --> 00:04:56,364
IT'S THE ONLY BOX HERE
WITH COOKIES ON IT.
122
00:04:56,397 --> 00:04:59,127
OH, THERE IT IS.
123
00:04:59,166 --> 00:05:00,296
(Slinky clanking)
124
00:05:00,334 --> 00:05:02,504
OH, YEAH. YEAH.
125
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:07,044
SO... FUNNY STORY.
YEAH?
126
00:05:07,074 --> 00:05:08,444
I WAS MAKING OUT WITH A GUY
IN A CAR LAST NIGHT,
127
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:09,776
AND NATALIE SAW ME.
(laughs)
128
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,040
NOT THAT FUNNY.
129
00:05:11,078 --> 00:05:12,508
OH, IT'S...
130
00:05:12,546 --> 00:05:13,506
WELL, UNLESS IT'S A THINKER.
IS IT A THINKER?
131
00:05:13,547 --> 00:05:15,047
'CAUSE I LOVE THOSE.
132
00:05:15,082 --> 00:05:16,322
IT WAS A TOTAL ACCIDENT,
OKAY?
133
00:05:16,350 --> 00:05:17,690
I WOULD NEVER JUST GET IT ON
WITH A GUY
134
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:18,888
WHILE OTHER PEOPLE WATCHED.
135
00:05:18,919 --> 00:05:20,549
I'M NOT SOME CHICK
FROM ARIZONA STATE
136
00:05:20,588 --> 00:05:21,958
TRYING TO MAKE MONEY
WITH A WEBCAM.
137
00:05:21,989 --> 00:05:24,829
HEY, IT HAPPENS.
WE'RE YOUNG AND HIP.
138
00:05:24,858 --> 00:05:27,458
NATALIE'S ACCIDENTALLY SEEN ME
DO STUFF IN THE CAR BEFORE.
139
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:30,425
(sobbing)
140
00:05:32,566 --> 00:05:34,396
THING IS,
I TALKED TO HER AFTERWARD,
141
00:05:34,435 --> 00:05:36,465
AND SHE MENTIONED THAT
SHE THINKS IT'S UNFAIR
142
00:05:36,504 --> 00:05:40,044
THAT I AM DATING PEOPLE
AND THAT YOU... ARE NOT,
143
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,413
UNLESS YOU ARE AND ARE
JUST MORE DISCREET
144
00:05:42,443 --> 00:05:45,653
THAN I HAVE TURNED OUT TO BE.
OH, NO. I'M QUITE ALONE.
145
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:48,749
WELL, WE SHOULD FIX THAT.
I MEAN, NOT JUST FOR NATALIE.
146
00:05:48,782 --> 00:05:50,882
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW
THAT YOU'RE SETTLED AND HAPPY.
147
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,988
AND ISN'T THERE SOMEBODY
THAT YOU HAVE YOUR EYE ON?
148
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,820
WELL, THERE IS THIS ONE WOMAN
WHO COMES IN HERE EVERY DAY
149
00:05:55,856 --> 00:05:58,026
AND ORDERS
A LARGE COOKIES-'N-CREAM.
150
00:05:58,058 --> 00:06:00,188
ALWAYS PAYS WITH CREDIT CARD
ENDING IN 8709.
151
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:02,397
I THINK I KEPT
ONE OF HER RECEIPTS.
152
00:06:02,430 --> 00:06:04,000
(cell phone rings)
153
00:06:04,031 --> 00:06:05,371
(ring)
154
00:06:05,399 --> 00:06:06,699
(beep)
155
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,204
HEY, RYAN,
WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
156
00:06:09,236 --> 00:06:12,106
POLLY, DO YOU WANNA GO
TO A $4 MATINEE
157
00:06:12,139 --> 00:06:14,579
AND NOT WATCH THE MOVIE?
158
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:16,738
UH...
(chuckles)
159
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,107
(whispers) THERE.
I CAN'T--I CAN'T TELL
WHERE YOU'RE POINTING
160
00:06:18,145 --> 00:06:19,175
with the giant foam hand.
161
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:20,212
ALL RIGHT. RIGHT THERE.
162
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,423
HOLY CRAP.
163
00:06:26,153 --> 00:06:28,193
"HOLY CRAP," YES, YOU WANNA
GO TO THE MOVIE,
164
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:31,191
OR "HOLY CRAP" YOU JUST SAW
SOME RELIGIOUS... CRAP?
165
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:32,694
LET ME--LET ME--LET ME
CALL YOU BACK.
166
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:35,256
WOW, SHE LOOKS LIKE DAMN,
167
00:06:35,295 --> 00:06:37,625
HAD A BABY WITH...
(high-pitched voice) WHAT?
168
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:40,795
I KNOW. I'D LOVE TO BE
MR. JULIAN COOKIES-'N-CREAM.
169
00:06:40,834 --> 00:06:42,044
DON'T YOU THINK
WE'D BE GREAT TOGETHER?
170
00:06:42,069 --> 00:06:43,739
OH, D--
171
00:06:43,771 --> 00:06:46,471
OH, MY GOD. I CAN TOTALLY
SEE YOU TWO TOGETHER.
172
00:06:46,507 --> 00:06:48,377
I MEAN, HE'S A MODEL/LAWYER,
173
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:50,308
AND YOU'RE A...
174
00:06:50,343 --> 00:06:52,113
WELL, YOU KNOW.
175
00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:03,259
THERE'S NO WAY JULIAN
COULD GET A GIRL LIKE THIS.
176
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:04,830
SHE'S GORGEOUS.
SHE WEARS LADY SUITS.
177
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,388
AND I KNOW A NICE SUIT, OKAY?
I HAVE SEEN THEM
178
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,057
ON WOMEN ON TV
WHO PLAY PROFESSIONALS
179
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,656
WHEN I'M WATCHING MY STORIES.
180
00:07:10,698 --> 00:07:13,668
HEY, IN A DEATH MATCH
BETWEEN DRAMA CHARACTERS
181
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:15,241
WITH NOUNS FOR NAMES,
WHO'S GONNA WIN?
182
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:18,008
"HOUSE," "CASTLE," OR "BONES"?
183
00:07:18,038 --> 00:07:21,008
WELL... PEOPLE NEED BONES.
STOP IT.
184
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,581
OKAY, GUYS, COME ON. WE NEED
TO FIND A WAY TO GET A GIRL
185
00:07:22,610 --> 00:07:25,410
TO HOOK UP WITH A GUY
WHO IS WAY BENEATH HER. JENN?
186
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:27,345
SURE. I'LL HOOK UP WITH HIM.
187
00:07:27,380 --> 00:07:29,020
WAIT. WHO ARE WE TALKING ABOUT?
188
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:32,089
(singsongy) I AM
AN INCREDIBLE MATCHMAKER.
189
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:33,749
(Max) IT'S TRUE.
I AM.
190
00:07:33,787 --> 00:07:35,117
I SET UP
MY GIRLFRIEND PENELOPE.
191
00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,485
YOU KNOW HER.
SHAPED LIKE A FIRE HYDRANT.
192
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,264
NEVER STOPS TALKING.
BIG.
193
00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,931
ANYHOO, SHE'S MARRIED
TO A LOVELY GUY
194
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,601
WHO IS A VERY DISTANT COUSIN
OF TOM SELLECK.
195
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:46,431
TOM WAS AT THE WEDDING.
WHAT A HANDSHAKE.
196
00:07:46,466 --> 00:07:48,096
OKAY.
197
00:07:48,135 --> 00:07:50,795
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GET JULIAN
AN OPENING WITH THIS GIRL
198
00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:52,868
THAT MAKES HIM SEEM
FANTASTIC.
199
00:07:52,906 --> 00:07:55,276
STEAL SOMETHING OF HERS
AND HAVE HIM RETURN IT
200
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:57,278
OR STAB HER AND HAVE HIM
DRAG HER TO THE HOSPITAL.
201
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,180
YEAH. DON'T DO THOSE.
202
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,312
OR... HE COULD GO UP
AND TALK TO HER.
203
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:04,348
SAID A MAN WHO HAS NEVER
DONE THAT IN HIS OWN LIFE.
204
00:08:04,384 --> 00:08:07,794
SO MANY OPTIONS.
205
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:09,121
(whirling sound)
206
00:08:09,156 --> 00:08:10,286
(laughs)
207
00:08:10,323 --> 00:08:12,293
(chuckles)
WHAT YOU GOT THERE?
208
00:08:12,325 --> 00:08:14,455
GOT A NEW SLINKY.
YEAH. I CAN SEE THAT.
209
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,464
VERY NICE SLINKY.
YEAH.
210
00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,126
AND I CAN'T HELP BUT NOTICE
THAT THERE'S NO--
211
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:21,565
THERE'S NO BOX
OR RECEIPT.
212
00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:22,802
UNH-UNH.
213
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:25,866
ELAINE, PERCHANCE
DID YOU, UM,
214
00:08:25,906 --> 00:08:27,906
STEAL THAT SLINKY?
IT'S A SAMPLE.
215
00:08:27,941 --> 00:08:31,481
SAMPLE? I SEE. THERE'S NO WAY
THAT SLINKY... GAVE SAMPLES.
216
00:08:31,511 --> 00:08:33,481
YEAH.
LISTEN TO ME.
THE TARRAGON,
217
00:08:33,513 --> 00:08:35,053
THE SAGE THAT
YOU PULL OUT OF YOUR BOOBS--
218
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:37,552
THOSE GROW IN THE WILD,
SO THERE IS A CONTEXT
219
00:08:37,585 --> 00:08:38,745
WHERE THOSE ARE FREE.
220
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,246
YEAH.
BUT THIS, MY DARLING,
221
00:08:40,287 --> 00:08:43,387
WAS MADE BY SOMEONE IN CHINA
AND SHIPPED ON A BOAT.
222
00:08:43,423 --> 00:08:45,263
WHAT DOES A CHINESE GUY
GOT TO DO WITH IT?
223
00:08:45,292 --> 00:08:46,992
THERE ARE
INTERNATIONAL COMPLICATIONS,
224
00:08:47,027 --> 00:08:49,897
AND THAT MAKES ME ANXIOUS.
225
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,260
YOU'RE BACKSLIDING
226
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:54,268
INTO SOME ANXIETY-PROVOKING
TERRITORY.
227
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:55,501
RIGHT?
228
00:08:55,535 --> 00:08:58,465
(funk rock music playing)
229
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:05,375
(New Wave music playing)
230
00:09:10,317 --> 00:09:13,287
(Grunge rock music playing)
231
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:22,131
THESE ARE LITTLE, ITTY-BITTY,
TEENY SHMEGEGGE.
232
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:25,032
"ITTY-BITTY SHMEGEGGE"
IS NOT A LEGAL DEFENSE.
233
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:27,465
THAT'S MY WHOLE POINT.
I DON'T NEED A LEGAL DEFENSE.
234
00:09:27,500 --> 00:09:30,270
I AM IN MY OWN HOME.
235
00:09:30,303 --> 00:09:33,473
NOTHING BAD HAS HAPPENED TO ME
EXCEPT YOU HOCKING ME.
236
00:09:33,506 --> 00:09:36,406
THE HONORABLE ELAINE GREEN
IS GOING TO TAKE A BATH.
237
00:09:36,443 --> 00:09:37,883
CASE CLOSED.
238
00:09:37,911 --> 00:09:40,611
YOU WEREN'T THE JUDGE
IN THAT SCENARIO.
239
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:43,148
ITTY-BITTY!
240
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:46,893
* YOGURT'S GOOD,
AND IT GOES IN YOUR BODY *
241
00:09:46,920 --> 00:09:48,390
SINCE IT'S HARD
FOR A 6-FOOT TALL DESSERT
242
00:09:48,421 --> 00:09:50,161
TO ASK OUT A GORGEOUS WOMAN,
243
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,490
IT'S MY JOB TO CONVINCE
THIS COMPLETE STRANGER
244
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,234
WHAT A GREAT GUY JULIAN IS.
245
00:09:53,260 --> 00:09:54,730
(sighs)
246
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:56,802
HI.
247
00:09:56,830 --> 00:09:58,500
EXCUSE ME.
YES?
248
00:10:00,533 --> 00:10:03,673
UM... JUST... I--
I WAS JUST WONDERING,
249
00:10:03,704 --> 00:10:05,774
ARE YOU AWARE HOW MUCH
CARBOXYMETHYLCELLULOSE
250
00:10:05,806 --> 00:10:07,106
IS IN THIS YOGURT?
251
00:10:07,140 --> 00:10:09,180
CARBOXYMETHYLCELLULOSE?
252
00:10:09,209 --> 00:10:10,639
YEAH.
IT'S A THICKENING AGENT,
253
00:10:10,678 --> 00:10:12,308
ALSO USED IN PERSONAL LUBRICANTS
AND LAXATIVES.
254
00:10:12,345 --> 00:10:14,675
HI. I'M POLLY.
255
00:10:14,715 --> 00:10:17,215
WOW, YOU ARE EVEN PRETTIER
UP CLOSE.
256
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:21,349
(indistinct conversations)
257
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,358
POLLY!
258
00:10:23,390 --> 00:10:25,090
SO? HOW'D IT GO?
DID WE SET A DATE?
259
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:27,125
OH, I CAN'T DO WEDNESDAYS.
I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.
260
00:10:27,160 --> 00:10:28,600
THAT'S WHEN I COLLECT
BOTTLES AND CANS
261
00:10:28,628 --> 00:10:30,928
FOR "THE BOY SCOUTS."
262
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,274
I MADE SOME SOLID PROGRESS.
263
00:10:32,299 --> 00:10:33,699
I MEAN, I WAS, YOU KNOW,
SLOW PLAYING IT,
264
00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:36,144
BUT, UH, SHE SEEMS
SUPER RECEPTIVE.
265
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:38,709
OH, POLLY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. A GIRL LIKE THIS--
266
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,369
SHE COULD CHANGE
MY WHOLE LIFE.
267
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:41,937
I MEAN, MAYBE I'D START
GOING TO NIGHT SCHOOL,
268
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:43,435
AND THEN MAYBE MY DREAM--
269
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:46,706
I'D GET TO OPEN
ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE FANTASY CAMP.
270
00:10:46,747 --> 00:10:48,717
HUH? OH!
IT ALL STARTS WITH HER.
271
00:10:48,749 --> 00:10:51,789
WOW. YOU SOUND...
REALLY INSPIRED.
272
00:10:51,819 --> 00:10:53,149
WELL, YEAH.
HAVE YOU SEEN HER?
273
00:10:53,186 --> 00:10:54,446
SHE'S A LIFE-CHANGER.
274
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:56,387
I MEAN, I'D GO GAY
FOR THIS CHICK.
275
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:59,193
SOMEBODY WHO YOU REFUSED
TO CHANGE ANYTHING FOR
276
00:10:59,226 --> 00:11:01,856
MIGHT FEEL A LITTLE JEALOUS
OR ANGRY FROM THAT.
277
00:11:01,895 --> 00:11:04,695
OH, MY--NO, NO, POLLY, I DON'T
WANT YOU TO FEEL THAT WAY,
278
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,972
ALL RIGHT? THIS IS
A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SITUATION.
279
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,700
I MEAN,
SHE'S CRAZY BEAUTIFUL.
280
00:11:08,736 --> 00:11:12,306
AWESOME.
WAY TO DIG YOURSELF OUT.
281
00:11:12,339 --> 00:11:14,209
THANKS.
282
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,911
THAT WAS THE MOMENT I REALIZED
WHY PEOPLE DON'T SET UP...
283
00:11:16,944 --> 00:11:18,984
(imitates gunshot)
THEIR EXES--BECAUSE OF
THE POTENTIALLY BAD FEELINGS
284
00:11:19,012 --> 00:11:20,312
THEY CAN DREDGE UP,
285
00:11:20,347 --> 00:11:21,577
LIKE THE DESIRE
TO TAKE THAT SPOON
286
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:23,884
AND SHOVE IT UP HIS CONE HOLE.
287
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:27,347
(Elaine)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MR. PRESIDENT.
288
00:11:27,387 --> 00:11:28,817
DON'T YOU THINK
I'M PRETTY?
289
00:11:28,856 --> 00:11:31,586
OH, WE ARE SO MUCH PRETTIER
THAN HER.
290
00:11:31,624 --> 00:11:34,764
I MAY NOT BE...
LIFE-CHANGING PRETTY.
291
00:11:34,795 --> 00:11:35,925
WELL, I CHANGED MY LIFE
FOR YOU.
292
00:11:35,963 --> 00:11:37,833
I GAVE UP
MY SECOND BATHROOM.
293
00:11:37,865 --> 00:11:39,825
SHE'S BETTER THAN ME, WHICH IS
WHY I COULDN'T TALK TO HER.
294
00:11:39,867 --> 00:11:43,237
SHE IS NOT BETTER THAN YOU,
AND I'LL GIVE IT A WHIRL.
295
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:45,110
I CAN TALK TO ANYONE,
ANYWHERE, ANYTIME,
296
00:11:45,138 --> 00:11:46,508
EVEN UNDERWATER.
297
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:47,739
I'M DOING IT.
298
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:49,505
GREAT.
299
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:53,082
HI. I'M ELAINE.
300
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:54,253
OLIVIA.
301
00:11:54,281 --> 00:11:57,251
OLIVIA.
I KNEW AN OLIVIA ONCE.
302
00:11:57,284 --> 00:11:59,794
TRIED TO SUFFOCATE ME
AT SUMMER CAMP,
303
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:01,290
SO I TOLD THE COUNSELOR
SHE WAS PREGNANT.
304
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:02,921
SHE WAS ONLY 8 AT THE TIME,
SO NOTHING CAME OF IT.
305
00:12:02,956 --> 00:12:04,756
(chuckles)
(laughs)
306
00:12:04,792 --> 00:12:07,192
YEAH. SIMPLER TIMES.
307
00:12:07,227 --> 00:12:08,697
YOU'RE FUNNY.
308
00:12:08,728 --> 00:12:10,958
I KNOW. RIGHT?
(tap)
309
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:13,268
YOU'RE SO PRETTY.
310
00:12:13,300 --> 00:12:15,540
(indistinct conversations)
311
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,138
(singsongy, clenched teeth)
I GOT HER NUMBER.
312
00:12:17,170 --> 00:12:19,770
(singsongy)
I GOT HER iPad.
313
00:12:19,807 --> 00:12:21,067
WHAT?
314
00:12:21,108 --> 00:12:22,438
ARE YOU INSANE?
315
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:24,605
WHAT? THAT'S WHAT
YOU TOLD ME TO DO!
316
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:25,814
WELL, JUST BECAUSE
I'M TALKING
317
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:27,306
DOESN'T MEAN
I'M SAYING ANYTHING.
318
00:12:27,347 --> 00:12:29,377
I WAS EXAGGERATING
FOR AN EFFECT.
319
00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:31,786
I ALSO TOLD YOU TO STAB HER
AND DRAG HER TO THE HOSPITAL,
320
00:12:31,819 --> 00:12:33,149
BUT I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU
TO DO IT.
321
00:12:33,186 --> 00:12:34,746
WELL, APPARENTLY
MY EX-HUSBAND LIKING SOMEONE
322
00:12:34,788 --> 00:12:36,058
WHO MAKES ME LOOK LIKE
A BLOB OF RAW HAMBURGER
323
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:37,929
IS MESSING WITH MY HEAD.
324
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:39,728
BUT NEXT TIME, I'LL KNOW
NOT TO TAKE YOUR SUGGESTIONS.
325
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:41,429
GET IN THE CAR.
GET IN THE CAR NOW.
326
00:12:41,461 --> 00:12:44,061
THAT ONE I'LL TAKE.
327
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:45,667
(door creaks)
328
00:12:45,698 --> 00:12:47,468
HEY.
329
00:12:47,500 --> 00:12:51,170
WELL, I HOPE YOU LIKE SEX,
BECAUSE YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE
330
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,114
A LOT OF IT, MISTER.
(door closes)
331
00:12:53,140 --> 00:12:54,910
AS A RESULT OF A SMALL
MISUNDERSTANDING WITH MY MOM,
332
00:12:54,942 --> 00:12:57,982
I AM NOW IN POSSESSION
OF HER... (singsongy) iPad.
333
00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,251
LIKE YOU STOLE IT?
334
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,480
BAD PEOPLE STEAL, OKAY?
335
00:13:01,514 --> 00:13:03,084
GOOD PEOPLE ARE MERELY
INVOLVED IN, UH,
336
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,746
ROMANTIC HIGH-JINKS.
337
00:13:04,784 --> 00:13:05,994
IF MEG RYAN TOOK IT,
338
00:13:06,019 --> 00:13:07,419
YOU WOULD STILL BE
ON HER SIDE, RIGHT?
339
00:13:07,454 --> 00:13:08,664
AND THEN YOU COULD BE
TOM HANKS AND RETURN IT,
340
00:13:08,688 --> 00:13:09,788
AND THAT WOULD BE
YOUR MEET-CUTE,
341
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:10,923
AND THEN I WOULD
STILL BE MEG RYAN
342
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:12,428
AND NOT SOME
THIEVING LUNATIC.
343
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:14,529
POLLY, SHE'S PROBABLY
CALLED THE COPS ALREADY.
344
00:13:14,561 --> 00:13:16,601
OKAY, THERE ARE TRACKING DEVICES
ON THESE THINGS.
345
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,969
SO... DOES SHE KNOW EXACTLY
WHERE THIS iPad IS?
346
00:13:18,999 --> 00:13:20,529
DOES SHE KNOW
THAT I TOOK IT?
347
00:13:20,567 --> 00:13:21,997
DOES SHE SEE ME RIGHT NOW
ON THAT TINY, LITTLE CAMERA?
348
00:13:22,035 --> 00:13:23,935
I'M SO SORRY. I'M SORRY.
349
00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,211
OH, MY GOD.
THE COPS ARE PROBABLY
350
00:13:25,238 --> 00:13:27,138
ON THEIR WAY
OVER HERE RIGHT NOW!
WHAT?
351
00:13:27,174 --> 00:13:29,184
I GOTTA TAKE THIS THING
TO A BACK OF A BUS OR SOMETHING.
352
00:13:29,209 --> 00:13:33,109
HELP ME FIND MY TAPE!
OH, WHERE'S MY BUS SCHEDULE?
I DON'T KNOW!
353
00:13:33,146 --> 00:13:34,776
(papers rustling)
WHY DO YOU HAVE
A BUS SCHEDULE?
354
00:13:34,814 --> 00:13:36,954
OH. (chuckles) FUNNY STORY.
IT'S ONLY BECAUSE
355
00:13:36,984 --> 00:13:39,324
I DON'T HAVE A STOLEN iPad
TO LOOK IT UP ON!
356
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:40,792
YEAH, WELL, HOW WAS I SUPPOSED
TO KNOW THAT YOU WERE
357
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,820
GONNA PICK SOMEBODY
WHO'S SO OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE?
358
00:13:42,856 --> 00:13:46,556
OUT OF MY LEAGUE? YOU THINK
SHE IS OUT OF MY LEAGUE?
359
00:13:46,593 --> 00:13:48,303
YOU PROBABLY THINK
YOU WERE OUT OF MY LEAGUE.
360
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:49,898
I AM.
361
00:13:49,930 --> 00:13:50,900
YOU LIVE AT HOME
WITH YOUR PARENTS.
362
00:13:50,931 --> 00:13:52,571
I HAVE MY OWN ABODE.
363
00:13:52,599 --> 00:13:55,569
WITH A YOGURT COSTUME
HANGING IN THE SHOWER!
364
00:13:55,602 --> 00:13:57,002
YOU SMELL LIKE CHEESE.
365
00:13:57,037 --> 00:13:58,837
CHEESE-SELLIN' GIRL.
366
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:02,212
CHEESE-SELLIN' WOMAN WHO HAPPENS
TO BE DATING A GREAT-ASS GUY
367
00:14:02,242 --> 00:14:04,342
WHO SHE LOVES
SPENDING TIME WITH.
(cell phone rings, beep)
368
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:06,647
HEY, BABY, TERRIBLE TIMING.
369
00:14:06,679 --> 00:14:08,979
H-HEY, POLLY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE WORKING TODAY.
370
00:14:09,016 --> 00:14:11,676
YEAH, POLLY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE WORKING TODAY.
371
00:14:11,718 --> 00:14:14,248
THIS GUY IS REALLY CUTE.
(giggles)
372
00:14:14,287 --> 00:14:15,857
I'M ALMOST THERE.
I'M PULLING IN.
373
00:14:15,889 --> 00:14:17,489
I'M RIGHT BEHIND THAT CAR.
SEE ME?
374
00:14:17,524 --> 00:14:18,594
OH...
375
00:14:18,625 --> 00:14:20,255
(knock on door)
376
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:23,003
(whispers) IT'S HER.
377
00:14:23,030 --> 00:14:24,600
GOTTA GO.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
378
00:14:24,631 --> 00:14:26,371
ARE YOU BLOWING ME OFF?
379
00:14:26,399 --> 00:14:29,069
NO. I AM--BYE.
(cell phone beeps)
380
00:14:29,102 --> 00:14:30,442
(beep)
381
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,110
(Olivia) UH,
I CAN HEAR YOU IN THERE!
382
00:14:33,140 --> 00:14:38,010
(high-pitched Spanish accent)
MISTER JULIAN NO ESTá AQUí!
383
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,775
ABRE ESTA PUERTA AHORA!
384
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,522
GREAT. SHE SPEAKS GERMAN,
TOO.
385
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:44,449
(sighs)
386
00:14:48,155 --> 00:14:50,455
(both) HI.
387
00:14:50,490 --> 00:14:51,690
I... SUPPOSE
YOU'RE WONDERING
388
00:14:51,724 --> 00:14:52,794
IF WE HAVE YOUR iPad.
389
00:14:52,825 --> 00:14:54,955
YES. YES, WE DO.
390
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,955
AND I BET
YOU'RE WONDERING WHY--
391
00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:58,727
I ASSUME YOU
AND THAT GYPSY WOMAN
392
00:14:58,765 --> 00:15:00,065
STOLE IT AT THE YOGURT PLACE
393
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:02,470
AND THEN BROUGHT IT BACK
TO THIS...
394
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:04,642
WHAT I CAN ONLY GUESS
IS YOUR SON'S FIRST APARTMENT.
395
00:15:04,671 --> 00:15:07,211
SON? HOW OLD DO YOU THINK
I AM?!
396
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:08,640
DON'T ANSWER THAT.
397
00:15:08,675 --> 00:15:11,075
MISS, I AM SO SORRY, OKAY?
398
00:15:11,111 --> 00:15:12,781
I HAD NO IDEA WHAT WAS
HAPPENING UNTIL JUST NOW.
399
00:15:12,812 --> 00:15:15,622
TRUE.
SEE, MY FRIEND THOUGHT
THIS WOULD BE A GOOD WAY
400
00:15:15,648 --> 00:15:18,888
FOR ME TO MEET YOU
AND THEN ASK YOU OUT.
401
00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:20,948
A WAY TO ASK ME OUT?
YEAH.
402
00:15:20,988 --> 00:15:24,058
YOU STEAL A PERSON'S iPad
IN ORDER TO ASK HER OUT?
403
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:25,591
WHAT KIND OF PERSON DOES THAT?
404
00:15:25,625 --> 00:15:27,325
A MOTHER.
405
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,830
A RESPONSIBLE SINGLE MOTHER
WHO'S JUST TRYING
406
00:15:29,862 --> 00:15:32,472
TO SEE HER DAUGHTER SMILE.
407
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:35,999
YOU KNOW, SEE, THE--
THE TWINKLE IN HER EYE--
408
00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:39,406
SPARK--JUST LIGHTS
YOUR HEART AFLAME.
NOT BUYING IT.
409
00:15:39,439 --> 00:15:44,739
I ASSUME WE'RE NOT...
PRESSING CHARGES HERE, RIGHT?
410
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:46,447
(beep)
411
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:49,179
FIGURED OUT WHAT WAS WRONG
WITH THE LINT TRAP ON THE DRYER.
412
00:15:49,216 --> 00:15:51,676
IT'S CLOGGED WITH OREGANO.
A LITTLE... (smacks lips)
413
00:15:51,718 --> 00:15:52,688
RIGHT?
414
00:15:52,719 --> 00:15:54,019
WHO WAS THAT ON THE PHONE?
415
00:15:54,054 --> 00:15:56,164
THAT WAS NATALIE'S SCHOOL.
416
00:15:56,189 --> 00:15:59,359
I HAVE DONE A BAD THING.
417
00:15:59,392 --> 00:16:00,832
NATALIE GOT CAUGHT TAKING
418
00:16:00,860 --> 00:16:02,260
ANOTHER KID'S PRETTY PRINCESS
CALCULATOR,
419
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,025
AND SHE SAID,
"GRANDMA TAKES THINGS,
420
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,374
SO IT MUST BE OKAY."
421
00:16:05,398 --> 00:16:07,368
SHE SAW YOU TAKE
THAT SLINKY.
422
00:16:07,400 --> 00:16:09,440
OR THE CORIANDER.
THE--THE WHAT?
423
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,039
I DON'T KNOW.
424
00:16:11,071 --> 00:16:12,941
I ALSO INADVERTENTLY
CONVINCED POLLY
425
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:16,612
TO COMMIT AN ACTUAL...
WELL, THE ONLY WORD IS "CRIME."
426
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:17,943
I KNEW WHEN I MARRIED YOU,
427
00:16:17,977 --> 00:16:19,177
I'D HAVE TO PUT
AN ATTORNEY ON RETAINER.
428
00:16:19,212 --> 00:16:21,852
AM I JUST
A HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL?
429
00:16:21,881 --> 00:16:23,681
I MEAN, YEAH,
I CAN PLAY A ROLE.
430
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:25,786
I'VE DONE SOME MODELING,
BUT YOU PUT THE TWO TOGETHER,
431
00:16:25,818 --> 00:16:28,018
AND EVERYTHING TURNS
TO CRAP.
432
00:16:28,055 --> 00:16:29,785
SHOULD I JUST GO PUT
MY HEAD IN THE OVEN?
433
00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:32,732
ELAINE, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THAT PEOPLE LOOK UP TO YOU.
434
00:16:32,759 --> 00:16:34,059
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
435
00:16:34,094 --> 00:16:35,964
OH, WELL,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
436
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,365
MR. SMARTY PANTS,
PERFECT PERSON.
437
00:16:38,398 --> 00:16:39,898
WHAT'S IT LIKE
TO BE RIGHT ALL THE TIME?
438
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,632
RIGHT NOW, NOT THAT GREAT.
439
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,138
WELL, I'M GONNA GO TAKE
ANOTHER BATH.
OKAY.
440
00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,411
JUST PLEASE NO HERBS
IN THE BATHTUB,
441
00:16:45,438 --> 00:16:48,078
BECAUSE THE, UH, DRAIN
LOOKS LIKE BRUSCHETTA.
442
00:16:48,108 --> 00:16:50,038
(exhales)
443
00:16:51,111 --> 00:16:52,381
(whispers) DO WHAT YOU WANT.
444
00:17:00,353 --> 00:17:02,923
AAH! GOD! WHOA!
AAH! (laughs)
445
00:17:02,955 --> 00:17:04,815
UM... HI.
446
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:06,757
I KNOW I'M HARD TO REACH,
BUT, UM,
447
00:17:06,793 --> 00:17:09,833
YOU WAITING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE
IS A LITTLE CREEPY.
448
00:17:09,862 --> 00:17:11,432
OH, I KNOW. MY BAD.
I-I DON'T NORMALLY DO THIS.
449
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:13,674
IT'S JUST THAT I THOUGHT
WE HAD A REALLY GOOD TIME,
450
00:17:13,700 --> 00:17:15,070
AND YOU KEEP
BLOWING ME OFF.
451
00:17:15,102 --> 00:17:16,372
I OWE YOU AN EXPLANATION.
452
00:17:16,403 --> 00:17:17,743
I KNOW I'VE NOT BEEN
AROUND LATELY,
453
00:17:17,770 --> 00:17:20,740
BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO GET MY EX LAID,
454
00:17:20,773 --> 00:17:23,413
WHICH IMMEDIATELY DOES SOUND
WEIRD WHEN I SAY IT OUT LOUD.
455
00:17:23,443 --> 00:17:26,513
NO! NO, I MEAN...
IT'S DYSFUNCTIONAL,
456
00:17:26,546 --> 00:17:31,046
BUT, UH, OBVIOUSLY,
YOU CARE A LOT FOR YOUR EX.
457
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:32,754
I WOULD NEVER DO
SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
458
00:17:32,785 --> 00:17:35,355
BUT I GET IT.
THAT'S REAL MATURE OF YOU.
459
00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,918
BUT WEIRD, RIGHT?
460
00:17:36,956 --> 00:17:39,626
NOT LIKE WEBBED FEET WEIRD,
BUT...
461
00:17:39,659 --> 00:17:40,959
(laughs)
STILL, YEAH.
462
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:42,933
SO COULD I CALL YOU SOON?
463
00:17:42,962 --> 00:17:46,402
APPARENTLY, YOU'RE VERY INTENT
ON GETTING PEOPLE LAID, SO YES.
464
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,933
(laughs)
465
00:17:49,469 --> 00:17:52,169
(sitar music playing)
466
00:17:55,675 --> 00:17:57,875
OH, NO. WHAT HAPPENED?
467
00:17:57,910 --> 00:17:59,250
ME.
468
00:17:59,279 --> 00:18:02,449
TRAPPED IN A SPIDER WEB
OF MY OWN MAKING.
469
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:05,082
OH, AND SOME PENISES.
GOT BORED.
(sighs)
470
00:18:05,118 --> 00:18:08,048
WELL, THE WHOLE iPad,
FANCY LADY THING WAS A BUST.
471
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,117
ALL MY FAULT.
472
00:18:10,157 --> 00:18:13,787
NO. IT'S ALL MY FAULT.
473
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,596
I... LIKE THIS. KEEP GOING.
474
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:19,728
I HAVE GOT TO BE MORE AWARE
OF MY INFLUENCE.
475
00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,296
MM-HMM.
ON YOU AND NATALIE.
476
00:18:21,334 --> 00:18:22,674
WAIT. WHAT HAPPENED
WITH NATALIE?
477
00:18:22,702 --> 00:18:24,842
UH... NOTHING.
WELL, SOMETHING.
478
00:18:24,871 --> 00:18:27,241
SOMETHING OR NOTHING?
NO, NOTHING. IT'S...
WELL, SOMETHING.
479
00:18:27,274 --> 00:18:29,114
I'M NOT GONNA TAKE
ANOTHER BATH.
480
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,482
MY FINGERNAILS
ARE COMING OFF.
481
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:31,840
NOTHING.
482
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,408
WHAT WAS ALL YOUR FAULT
AGAIN?
483
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,416
I FEEL TERRIBLE.
JULIAN IS SO MAD AT ME.
484
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:37,849
DO I SMELL LIKE CHEESE?
485
00:18:37,884 --> 00:18:39,994
YOU DO.
IT'S A SITUATION.
486
00:18:40,019 --> 00:18:43,359
WHAT?
LOOK, YOU SET OUT TO DO
SOMETHING NICE FOR JULIAN,
487
00:18:43,390 --> 00:18:46,930
BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT,
IT BECAME LESS ABOUT HIM
488
00:18:46,959 --> 00:18:48,659
AND MORE ABOUT YOU.
489
00:18:48,695 --> 00:18:51,295
WELL, IT SUCKS THAT
HE WOULD CHANGE FOR HER...
MM-HMM.
490
00:18:51,331 --> 00:18:52,471
AND NOT FOR ME.
491
00:18:52,499 --> 00:18:55,199
BUT SO WHAT? BIG DEAL.
492
00:18:55,235 --> 00:19:00,035
EVERYBODY DESERVES TO FIND
SOMEONE WHO MAKES THEM BETTER.
493
00:19:00,072 --> 00:19:01,542
MAX MAKES ME BETTER.
494
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,714
OH, AND I DEFINITELY
MAKE HIM BETTER.
495
00:19:03,743 --> 00:19:05,953
YOU GOT ALL THAT
FROM A BATH?
496
00:19:05,978 --> 00:19:08,878
11 BATHS.
497
00:19:08,915 --> 00:19:11,345
(door creaks)
HEY.
498
00:19:11,384 --> 00:19:13,654
HEY. UM... CAN WE TALK?
499
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:17,186
OF COURSE.
I'D LIKE THAT.
500
00:19:17,224 --> 00:19:20,234
I... (sighs) JUST WANT
TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT EARLIER.
501
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:24,000
(door creaks)
I REALIZED THAT
I KIND OF WAS MA--
502
00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,400
HEY THERE.
503
00:19:26,766 --> 00:19:27,996
OH, MY GOD.
I'M SO SORRY.
504
00:19:28,034 --> 00:19:30,004
I HAD NO IDEA
THAT YOU TWO WERE, UM...
505
00:19:30,036 --> 00:19:32,036
DID SOME SORT OF MAJOR SPILL
HAPPEN THAT REQUIRED
506
00:19:32,071 --> 00:19:33,841
THE TWO OF YOU
TO WASH OFF?
507
00:19:33,873 --> 00:19:36,413
SPILL? NO.
508
00:19:36,443 --> 00:19:38,983
SO YOU GUYS WERE...
IN, UH...
509
00:19:39,011 --> 00:19:40,751
RECREATIONAL FASHION?
510
00:19:40,780 --> 00:19:42,220
WHAT CAN I SAY?
I HAVE A SOFT SPOT
511
00:19:42,249 --> 00:19:44,979
FOR WELL-MEANING, LOVABLE,
BEARDED MESSES.
512
00:19:45,017 --> 00:19:46,587
(exhales)
513
00:19:46,619 --> 00:19:48,759
AND I'VE GOT A SOFT SPOT
RIGHT HERE.
514
00:19:48,788 --> 00:19:50,518
YES, YOU DO.
(laughs)
515
00:19:50,557 --> 00:19:51,757
WELL, THEY'VE GOTTA INVENT
516
00:19:51,791 --> 00:19:53,261
A SHOULDER MOUNT
FOR THESE THINGS.
517
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:54,433
My arm is on fire.
518
00:19:54,461 --> 00:19:55,731
BUT IF I HOLD IT ANY LOWER,
519
00:19:55,762 --> 00:19:57,402
I LOOK LIKE JAY LENO.
520
00:19:57,430 --> 00:19:58,930
Uh...
AH.
521
00:19:58,965 --> 00:20:00,425
PRETTY.
Yeah.
Okay, that's better.
522
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,937
(laughs) I feel like
I'm 8 feet tall.
523
00:20:02,969 --> 00:20:05,839
I AM SO SORRY
FOR HOW I ACTED THIS WEEK.
524
00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,242
AND THANK YOU FOR BEING
SO UNDERSTANDING.
525
00:20:08,275 --> 00:20:10,205
Hey, listen,
I was inspired by you.
526
00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:12,213
Okay? I thought
about what you said,
527
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:14,445
and I think it's a really good
idea to be close to your ex,
528
00:20:14,481 --> 00:20:17,351
so I went over to her house
to help hang some tapestry,
529
00:20:17,384 --> 00:20:20,694
and we... ended up
getting back together.
530
00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:21,920
Say hi, Denise.
531
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:24,694
(mouth full) Hi, Polly.
532
00:20:24,724 --> 00:20:27,264
GREAT. YOU GUYS
ARE SUCH A CUTE COUPLE.
533
00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:28,464
(giggles)
534
00:20:28,495 --> 00:20:30,225
(sighs)
535
00:20:30,263 --> 00:20:33,103
Pol--Polly? Polly?
536
00:20:36,403 --> 00:20:38,613
OKAY, WE ARE HERE
537
00:20:38,638 --> 00:20:41,468
'CAUSE I LOVE YOU, AND I WANT
TO SET A GOOD EXAMPLE.
538
00:20:41,508 --> 00:20:42,978
CAN WE GET COFFEE AFTER?
539
00:20:43,009 --> 00:20:44,639
NO.
YEAH. NO.
540
00:20:44,677 --> 00:20:46,207
(mouths words)
541
00:20:46,245 --> 00:20:48,315
HELLO, MA'AM.
542
00:20:48,348 --> 00:20:51,718
I AM HERE BECAUSE I HAVE DONE
A VERY BAD THING.
543
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:54,721
I HAVE STOLEN THIS SLINKY
FROM YOUR STORE,
544
00:20:54,754 --> 00:20:57,794
AND I AM HERE TO RETURN IT
BECAUSE I REALIZED
545
00:20:57,824 --> 00:20:59,564
HOW WRONG IT IS.
546
00:20:59,592 --> 00:21:01,732
"WHAT'S THE CATCH?" YOU MAY ASK.
547
00:21:01,761 --> 00:21:03,431
WELL... THERE ISN'T ONE.
548
00:21:03,463 --> 00:21:06,103
I ONLY ASK THAT
YOU PAY IT FORWARD.
549
00:21:07,534 --> 00:21:09,744
SEE, THAT'S HOW GROWNUPS
HANDLE A SITUATION
550
00:21:09,769 --> 00:21:11,469
WHEN THEY MAKE A MISTAKE.
551
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:14,174
I THINK ALL OF US
LEARNED SOMETHING HERE TODAY.
552
00:21:14,206 --> 00:21:16,176
(laughs)
553
00:21:16,208 --> 00:21:17,578
(alarm blaring)
554
00:21:17,610 --> 00:21:18,950
ELAINE?
555
00:21:18,978 --> 00:21:20,348
RUN!
WHAT--
556
00:21:20,380 --> 00:21:23,780
RUN!
41000
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