All language subtitles for Bunheads.S01E15_English

PREVIOUSLY ON "BUNHEADS"...

YOUR FATHER HAS
A SPECIAL SOMEONE.

WE GOTTA MAKE MONEY
OFF THIS PLACE.

- BY DOING WHAT?
- WHAT ABOUT...

A THEATER?

THE CLOSET DOOR OPENED.

HE SAYS HE'S MOVING
TO SAN JOSE,

SHE SAYS SHE'S
MOVING TO ENCINO.

I'M SUPPOSED TO PICK
WHERE I WANT TO GO.

WE'RE BUILDING
AN AMPHITHEATER.

NOW THIS
I'M INTERESTED IN.

- YOU'RE INTERESTED IN?
- PARTNERING.

- WHO GAVE YOU FLOWERPOTS?
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THIS IS MY BROTHER SCOTTY.
SCOTTY, THIS IS GODOT.

WELL HELLO,
YOUNG MAN.

SASHA'S AWOL TOO
BY THE WAY.

WELL, I KNOW
WHERE SHE IS.

APARTMENT HUNTING.
AND SHE FOUND ONE.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES.

KEEP IT LIGHT,
WATCH YOUR SPACING.

DANCE AS ONE.

( piano playing )

I'M THINKING OF
GETTING BANGS.

OH YEAH?

SOMETHING DIFFERENT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YOU NEED A CHANGE?

WELL, YEAH.

YOUR LIFE IS BORING?

- GINNY--
- YOUR FRIENDS
ARE BORING?

OH BOY.

NEW LIFE,
NEW FRIENDS,

NEW BANGS.

MOVING THE FEET,
NOT THE MOUTHS, LADIES.

GINNY PLEASE,
GET OVER THIS
COZETTE THING.

I'M SORRY I DIDN'T
TELL YOU ABOUT ROLLER DERBY,

BUT I DIDN'T
TELL ANYONE.

NOT MY PARENTS
OR MY BROTHER.

YOUR BROTHER?

- I JUST MEAN--
- YOU DIDN'T TELL CHARLIE?

BUT YOU'RE SO
CLOSE WITH HIM.

YOU TELL CHARLIE
EVERYTHING.

- I WAS JUST--
- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU
DIDN'T TELL CHARLIE.

IF YOU DIDN'T
TELL CHARLIE,

THEN CLEARLY,
I'M OVERREACTING.

AREN'T I?

AREN'T I OVERREACTING?

- UH...
- THERE'S NO GOOD
ANSWER, BOO.

SAY YOUR BEST FRIEND
SUDDENLY HAD A SECRET LIFE

THAT YOU DIDN'T
KNOW ABOUT.

WHEN YOU FOUND OUT,
WOULD YOU FEEL MAD,
BETRAYED?

LIKE MAYBE
YOUR BEST FRIEND
WASN'T ACTUALLY

YOUR BEST FRIEND
AT ALL?

- WELL--
- OR...

ONCE YOU FOUND OUT SHE DIDN'T
TELL HER BROTHER EITHER,

WOULD YOU FEEL FINE
AND FORGET IT EVER HAPPENED?

- I MISSED YOU.
- WHAT?

Fanny: A CLOSED MOUTH
IS A PRETTY MOUTH.

- SORRY.
- WHATEVER.

I TALKED TO HER TWICE.
IT'S NOT LIKE
WE'RE BEST FRIENDS.

- SHE NAMED YOU.
- COME ON.

CLEO-SMACKTRA?
HOW MANY SECONDS OF THOUGHT

DID SHE PUT
INTO THAT ONE?

ARE YOU GUYS
FIGHTING AGAIN?

I DON'T KNOW.
I AM THE LAST ONE

TO KNOW ANYTHING
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.

UNBELIEVABLE.
I TURN MY BACK
FOR FIVE MINUTES.

COZETTE JUST HAPPENED
TO BE AT THE RINK
WHEN I WAS THERE.

IT'S NOT LIKE
I CALLED HER UP AND SAID

"I'LL TELL YOU ALL
MY SECRETS, COZETTE."

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
THE C-WORD ANYMORE.

OF COURSE,
RIGHT TO COZETTE.

THAT'S THE CHOREOGRAPHY.

SHE PROBABLY CAST SOME KIND
OF SPELL ON MADAME FANNY

TO MAKE IT
HAPPEN LIKE THAT.

COZETTE CAN DO ANYTHING.
COZETTE'S A WIZARD.

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO HEAR THE C-WORD?

I'M SORRY ABOUT GINNY.

I LOVE HER,
BUT SHE'S STUBBORN.

JUST GIVE HER TIME.

YOU DIDN'T DO
ANYTHING WRONG.

WHO'S GINNY?

SHE'S MAGIC
AND PERFECT,

AND WORLDLY,
AND SO SO HIP.

SHE'S CARNABY STREET
IN POINTE SHOES.

WHEN DID WE EVEN
MEET COZETTE?

I'M COZETTE.

( piano song ends )

WHAT A WONDERFUL
FIRST TRY.

IT REMINDS ME OF A TIME
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG SOLOIST

IN "LES SYLPHIDES"

AND I WAS HAVING
A TERRIBLE FIGHT

WITH A NYMPH--

OR A NYMPHO, WHICH IS
A MORE ACCURATE DESCRIPTION

AND THE ACTUAL REASON
FOR OUR FIGHT.

ANYHOW WE WOUND UP HAVING
WORDS DURING REHEARSAL.

AND DO YOU KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED?

WE BOTH WATCHED OPENING NIGHT
FROM THE CONCESSION STAND
IN THE LOBBY.

SO WITH THAT IN MIND...

( piano music playing )

( theme music playing )

OH, I FORGOT.

I BROUGHT
MY OWN BAGS.

- LET'S GO.
- ( groaning )

YOU'VE GOT
TO BE KIDDING.

COULD YOU GUYS
OPEN UP ANOTHER REGISTER?

COME ON.

AND THAT'S THE STAGE

WITH SEATING
ALL AROUND.

OH, AND WE'RE GOING
TO HANG LANTERNS

IN ALL THE TREES.

THEY'LL BE DIMMED
BEFORE THE PERFORMANCES.

PRETTY. NO,
NOT YOU, SAUL.

WHY WOULD I
CALL YOU PRETTY?

I HOPE THE STAGE
IS BIG ENOUGH.

DO YOU THINK THE STAGE
IS BIG ENOUGH?

FOR THE HALFTIME SHOW, OR?

YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
IT'S FINE.

WHOA, HEY.
IF YOU NEED A BIGGER STAGE,

LET'S MAKE
A BIGGER STAGE.

THEY'RE TWO WEEKS
LATE ON RENT.

GO FIND SOMEONE THAT
SPEAKS LITHUANIAN DEADBEAT

AND TELL THEM
TO GET OUT.

- I AM SO EXCITED.
- I KNOW.

I'M WEARING
THAT SHIRT YOU HATE

AND YOU HAVEN'T ASKED ME
WHAT BUM I HAD TO ROLL

TO GET IT YET.

WHAT DO YOU GIRLS
THINK OF THE STAGE?

IT'S REALLY COOL.

I'VE NEVER DANCED
OUTSIDE BEFORE.

IF THE STAGE IS
GONNA BE BIGGER,

WE HAVE TO TELL
FAT BOB AND SKINNY DON.

Fanny: AND I SWORE TO THEM THAT
WE'D FINALIZED EVERYTHING.

THIS WILL NOT
MAKE THEM HAPPY.

LADIES, WE ARE NOT
HERE TO MAKE THEM HAPPY.

THIS IS FOR US
AND THE KIDS.

HEY! FAT BOB
AND SKINNY DON.

OH, WE DON'T USUALLY
CALL THEM THAT TO THEIR FACE.

- IS SOMETHING WRONG?
- WE WANT TO MAKE
THE STAGE BIGGER.

THEY WANT TO MAKE
THE STAGE BIGGER.

WE ALREADY
ORDERED THE WOOD.

LAST WEEK.

MADE THE CALL,
WROTE THE CHECK.

WELL, CAN YOU ORDER MORE,

OR IS THAT THE LAST
WOOD IN THE WORLD?

UH, YEAH, THE SARCASM
HAS NOT GONE UNNOTICED.

BUT SEE, NOW,
THERE'S GONNA BE
SOME LAG TIME.

- TWO, THREE...
- FOUR, FIVE...

- WEEKS.
- MONTHS.

- MONTHS?
- COME ON.

GIVE ME THE BOTTOM LINE HERE,
FAT BOB AND SKINNY DON.

OH, JEEZ, WELL--

SAVE IT FOR SPIELBERG, OLIVIER.

- GIVE ME THE NUMBER.
- 10.

- 10?
- DONE.

AND YOU KNOW,
A BIGGER STAGE

IS GONNA NEED
MORE LIGHTS.

- FINE.
- THAT MEANS TWO...

- THREE...
- FOUR EXTRA BANKS.

- DO IT.
- WAIT, MILLY,

THAT'S TOO MUCH.
WE DON'T NEED MORE LIGHTS.

YEAH, WE'LL JUST
SHOVE THE UGLY KIDS

IN THE DARK SPOTS.

MORE LIGHTS WILL
MAKE IT BEAUTIFUL.

IT HAS TO
BE BEAUTIFUL.

EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL
AT THE BALLET.

YOU DONE
FLEECING ME YET?

- PROBABLY NOT.
- GO BUILD SOMETHING.

WELL, IF WE'RE
GETTING NOISE COMPLAINTS

TELL THEM THEY CAN'T
RUN THEIR HEART-LUNG
MACHINE

BETWEEN 10:00 AND 6:00.

MICHELLE,
I HAVE TO SAY

IT WAS A STROKE OF GENIUS
GETTING MILLY

INVOLVED WITH THIS.

WOW, THANKS.

AND THAT SHIRT MAKES YOU
LOOK LIKE A FREEWAY UNDERPASS.

Milly:
TELL ME AGAIN THE TOTAL
PROFIT AFTER EXPENSES.

( laughing )
TELL ME AGAIN.

I LOVE MONEY.

LET ME JUST
GET YOU THOSE CHECKS

AND I'LL GET
OUT OF YOUR HAIR.

IS THERE ANYTHING
ELSE WE NEED?

OH, NO. YOU'VE BEEN AN
ABSOLUTE GODSEND, MILLY.

REALLY. EVERYTHING
YOU'VE DONE HAS BEEN

JUST ABOUT PERFECT.

JUST ABOUT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN
"JUST ABOUT?"

NO. ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

THE COSTUMES THE PARENTS
ARE MAKING ARE GOING TO
BE LOVELY.

WE WON'T EVEN MISS
THE PROFESSIONALLY
MADE ONES.

SHOULDN'T WE HAVE THOSE?

WELL, IN A PERFECT WORLD.

I LIVE IN
A PERFECT WORLD.

I THINK
WE'LL BE FINE.

LOOK, IF I SPEND
ALL THIS MONEY
ON A THEATER

AND THEN THE DANCERS
SHOW UP LOOKING LIKE

A BUS AND TRUCK
TOUR OF "OLIVER,"

I MIGHT AS WELL
BE INVESTING IN
PUBLIC TELEVISION.

- ORDER THE COSTUMES.
- ARE YOU SURE?

I AM POSITIVE.

YOU WON'T BE SORRY.

THESE BEAUTIFUL COSTUMES
WILL PUT THOSE

SECONDHAND USHER
OUTFITS TO SHAME.

SO EVIL.

USHERS. DO WE HAVE THOSE?

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE DON'T NEED THEM.

SMART.
YOU SEE, MICHELLE?

THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE
A BUSINESS PARTNER FOR.

TO TELL YOU EXACTLY
WHERE TO CUT THE COSTS.

NO USHERS.

WAIT, I WANT USHERS.

- WELL, MAYBE NEXT YEAR.
- THIS YEAR.

LET'S GIVE IT
SIX MONTHS.

NOW, I WANT THEM NOW.
HOW MANY?

- 10?
- 20.

20 USHERS,
ALL BOYS.

TALL, BUILT,
FIND THEM.

( cellphone rings )

STONE HERE.

FATHER LUKE,
THANKS FOR CALLING ME BACK.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR
RELIGIOUS TRADITION

CALLS FOR HANGING
A LOT OF PARAPHERNALIA,

BUT IT'S DESTROYING
MY WALLS.

I MEAN, IT'S THREE NAILS
FOR EVERY CRUCIFIX.

YOU'RE KILLING ME.

- WE GOOD?
- WE'RE PERFECT.

AND EVIL.

GOOD-BYE, MILLY.

COSTUMES,
USHER UNIFORMS,

USHERS.

WE NEED
ALL THOSE THINGS.

I'M JUST WONDERING,

ARE YOU PUTTING OUT
FOR ALL OF THIS?

'CAUSE THERE'S DEFINITELY
SOME SORT OF

QUID PRO QUO
GOING ON HERE.

DON'T BE VULGAR.

I'M DOING IT
FOR THE ART.

AND FOR THE CHILDREN.

HEY, I'M NOT JUDGING.

AS LONG AS THE LADY'S
PAYING FOR IT,

WHY NOT TAKE
THE VICUNA?

ALL RIGHT,
LET'S BEGIN.

FIRST POSITION,
PLIES.

- RAINCOAT?
- BRING IT.

- BIKINI?
- BRING IT.

- PAJAMA JEANS?
- BRING THEM.

- HANDCUFFS?
- TOSS THEM IN.

HARD HAT, WAFFLE IRON,
BANANARAMA BOX SET?

WHAT THE HELL ARE WE
GONNA DO WITH A WAFFLE IRON?

SCOTTY, COME ON.
TELL ME WHAT THIS THING IS.

HEY, IT'S MY LAST NIGHT.

AND THE RULES ARE
WHOEVER HAS THE LAST NIGHT

GETS TO CHOOSE
THE LAST NIGHT
BLOWOUT ACTIVITY.

- DON'T FLOUT THE RULES.
- BUT I NEED DETAILS.

I TOLD YOU,
IT'S IN THE DESERT.

- IT'S LIKE BURNING MAN.
- WHICH MEANS NOTHING.

- YOU'VE HEARD OF BURNING MAN.
- YES, I'VE HEARD
OF BURNING MAN,

BUT SINCE I'VE NEVER
BEEN TO BURNING MAN,

I CAN ONLY GUESS
WHAT TAKES PLACE.

LIKE DO THEY
REALLY BURN A MAN?

AND WHO IS THIS MAN?
IS HE ANNOYING?

- DOES HE HAVE IT COMING?
- YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO FIND OUT.

OKAY, WELL AT LEAST
ANSWER ME THIS.

WHEN WE GET THERE,
WILL THERE BE A BATHROOM?

DEFINE BATHROOM.

( sighs )
NICE SEEING YOU.

CALL ME WHEN
YOU GET HOME.

OH, COME ON.
DID I COMPLAIN

WHEN YOU VISITED ME
AND MADE ME GO SEE

DRAG QUEEN BINGO?

VEHEMENTLY.

'CAUSE IT WAS HORRIBLE
AND I LOST.

YEAH, THAT WAS FUN.

WELL, COME ON,
THIS WILL BE FUN TOO.

COME ON, IT'LL BE LIKE
ALL THOSE COOL ROAD TRIPS

WE TOOK AS KIDS.

WHAT COOL ROAD TRIPS?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
THE GRAND CANYON,

NEW ORLEANS,
SUN STUDIOS,

THE SMOKY MOUNTAINS.

- FAKE.
- SMOKY MOUNTAINS
ARE FAKE?

THE TRIPS WERE FAKE.

WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

MOM USED TO TAKE US
ON FAKE TRIPS.

- YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT?
- NO.

SHE'D PUT US IN THE CAR
REALLY LATE AT NIGHT

AND THEN DRIVE US
AROUND FOR HOURS

UNTIL WE FELL ASLEEP.
AND THEN WHEN WE WOKE UP,

SHE'D CONVINCE US
THAT WE JUST HAD
A REALLY FUN ADVENTURE.

NO. THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

I REMEMBER THAT THING
WITH THE BALLOONS.

- NEVER HAPPENED.
- YES.

THERE WERE LIKE THESE
HUGE RED BALLOONS

WITH RIBBONS
HANGING DOWN.

- I'M AFRAID NOT.
- THE WIND KICKED UP

AND WE HELD THE RIBBONS
AND WE RODE ON THEM?

- NO BALLOONS?
- SHE GASLIGHTED US, DUDE.

THAT WAS MY SECOND FAVORITE
CHILDHOOD MEMORY.

DON McLEAN DIDN'T PLAY
YOUR FIFTH BIRTHDAY PARTY.

I'LL GIVE YOU
SOME SPACE.

I JUST MOVED IN
SO I NEED TO GET
THE POWER TURNED ON.

BY TOMORROW WOULD BE
GREAT ACTUALLY.

A CREDIT CARD?
WELL, I DO.

I MEAN, IT'S TECHNICALLY
MY PARENTS',

BUT THEY TAKE IT
AT THE MALL, SO...

CAN WE JUST
SKIP THE DEPOSIT?

I'M VERY RESPONSIBLE.

IT'S TRUE. SHE'S NEVER
BEEN DRUNK OR PREGNANT.

LOOK, CAN I JUST
GIVE YOU CASH?

OH. I DON'T
THINK THE ATM

WILL GIVE ME
THAT MUCH.

REALLY?

WOW, I'VE NEVER ACTUALLY
GONE INSIDE A BANK BEFORE.

YES. IT WILL BE
AN ADVENTURE.

THANK YOU.

ANYONE KNOW
WHERE A BANK IS?

THAT IS A VERY LONG
TO-DO LIST.

CABLE, PHONE, INTERNET,
ELECTRICITY...

- WHAT ABOUT GAS?
- WHAT ABOUT IT?

IS YOUR WATER HEATER
ELECTRIC OR GAS?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.
- IT'S PROBABLY GAS.

CALLING THE GAS COMPANY.

THIS IS
A LOT OF WORK.

BUT IT'S WORTH IT.
THE APARTMENT IS AWESOME.

I MEAN, IT NEEDED
A LITTLE JEUJE.

A PAINT JOB, NEW SINK,

I'M PULLING UP
THE CARPETS.

PEOPLE WHO COVER UP
THEIR HARDWOOD FLOORS

DESERVE THEIR OWN
POORLY DECORATED
SECTION OF HELL.

WOW, YOU SEEM
SO GROWN UP.

HEY, DID I LEAVE
MY DANCE BAG IN
YOUR MOM'S CAR?

I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHO WOULD KNOW?

- HOW WOULD SHE KNOW?
- SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING
ABOUT YOU.

I FIGURE SHE CAN USE
HER MELANIE LOJACK SYSTEM

AND TRACK THAT SUCKER
RIGHT DOWN.

OH, HERE.
FOR YOU,

AND YOU, AND YOU.

- WHAT'S THIS?
- I AM OFFICIALLY
INVITING YOU

TO MY HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

SORRY IT'S SO LAST MINUTE,
BUT I THOUGHT HEAT AND LIGHT

WOULD MAKE IT
MORE FESTIVE.

WOULD IT BE OKAY
IF I BRING CARL?

NO. NO ONE
BRINGS ANYONE.

IT'S JUST
THE FOUR OF US.

YES, AND ALL THE OTHER
PEOPLE I'M INVITING.

WHO?
WHO ARE YOU INVITING?

WELL, FREAK,
SOME GIRLS FROM CLASS,

MICHELLE, THE THREE PEOPLE
I LIKE AT SCHOOL,

AND MY NEIGHBORS SO
THEY CAN'T COMPLAIN
ABOUT THE NOISE.

( laughing )

ARE YOU INVITING
COZETTE?

WELL,
SHE'S IN OUR CLASS.

- IF SHE COMES,
COUNT ME OUT.
- SERIOUSLY?

- GINNY, COME ON.
- WHAT COME ON?

FOUR'S COMPANY.
FIVE'S A CROWD.

FINE. IF GINNY'S NOT GOING,
I'M NOT GOING.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.
- I WANT TO.

IT'S NOT ON
MY ACCOUNT, I HOPE.

OF COURSE IT'S
ON YOUR ACCOUNT.

- THEN GO. YES.
- NO.

OH MY GOD.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN
PROPERLY INTRODUCED.
I'M SASHA.

I WAS PLANNING ON
INVITING YOU

TO A HOUSEWARMING
PARTY I'M HAVING

SO WE CAN GET
TO KNOW EACH OTHER,

BUT MY FRIENDS OVER THERE
ARE RE-ENACTING

THE LAST THIRD
OF "BENJAMIN BUTTON"

AND WILL SOON
TURN FOUR.

SO WOULD IT BE OKAY
IF WE JUST GRABBED

A COFFEE
SOMETIME INSTEAD?

- COOL BEANS.
- I'M INTERPRETING
THAT AS A YES.

SO, THANK YOU.

NO COZETTE. OKAY?

KIM, KHLOE?

TRUCE FOR THE EVENING?

GOOD.

SO, DO I GET
TO BRING CARL?

IT'S AN ANNUAL
EVENT IN THE DESERT

THAT IS A CELEBRATION
OF SELF-EXPRESSION.

YEAH, BUT WHAT DOES IT
SAY ABOUT BATHROOMS?

OH, LOOK AT THESE PICTURES.
MY GOD, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH YEAH YEAH.
IS THERE A PICTURE
OF THE BATHROOMS?

"AN EXPERIMENT IN
COMMUNAL LIVING."

I'VE DONE THAT BEFORE.
YOU WIND UP NEVER HAVING
A CLEAN TOWEL.

OOH, WHAT'S THAT
OVER THERE?

- A ROCK.
- OH, I THOUGHT IT
WAS A BATHROOM.

ARE YOU PLANNING ON EATING
A GREAT DEAL OF ROADSIDE FOOD

AND HAVING SOME TERRIBLE
REACTION ONCE YOU GET THERE?

I JUST HAVE A THING
ABOUT BATHROOMS, OKAY?

I WANT ONE WITHIN
A GOOD 10-MILE RADIUS.

YOU'RE AN ARTIST.
YOU NEED TO BE OPEN
TO NEW THINGS.

THAT'S HOW I FELT
ABOUT WOODSTOCK.

YOU WENT TO WOODSTOCK?

I DIDN'T WANT TO
AT FIRST.

BUT IT TURNED OUT
TO BE ONE OF THE BEST

EXPERIENCES
OF MY LIFE.

BECAUSE I GAVE MYSELF
OVER TO IT.

ALL I REMEMBER IS THIS
WARM GOOEY HAZE OF A WEEKEND

FILLED WITH LOVE
AND CONNECTION.

AND AT THE END OF IT,

I WOUND UP
WITH A BABY.

HUBBELL WAS CONCEIVED
AT WOODSTOCK?

NO, LITERALLY.
I OPENED MY BAG
AS I WAS LEAVING

AND SOMEBODY HAD SLIPPED
A BABY INSIDE.

OH MY GOD.
WHAT'D YOU DO?

I JUST LEFT IT
AT THE LOST BABY TABLE

IN THE PARKING LOT.
A LOT OF BABIES WERE PUT

IN THE WRONG
PURSE THAT DAY.

WOODSTOCK, HUH?

- MM.
- WHAT'S THE BATHROOM
SITUATION THERE?

- ( sighs )
- ( cellphone rings )

- HELLO?
- Check your mailbox.

- IS IT TICKING?
- I put something
in it for you.

- SASHA?
- Yes, just make sure
you go and check

your mailbox because
sometimes you don't.

WHY DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT MY MAILBOX?

Because sometimes
we walk by

and all the mail
is spilling out

like you haven't
checked it in forever,

and we wonder
if you're dead,

but no one wants to look.

HEY, WHAT IF
I NEED HELP?

If you're dead,
it's too late for help.

GOOD POINT. WAIT A MINUTE,
REHEARSAL'S IN FIVE MINUTES.

- So?
- AREN'T YOU HERE?

- REALLY?
- WHAT?

SO YOU HAD TO CALL?
YOU WERE GONNA SEE ME

- IN THREE SECONDS.
- I WANTED TO INVITE YOU

TO MY HOUSEWARMING
PARTY.

BUT YOU ALREADY SENT ME
AN INVITATION.

YES, BUT YOU NEVER
CHECK YOUR MAIL,

SO WHO KNOWS
IF YOU'D FIND IT.

YOU'RE CALLING TO TELL ME
TO CHECK MY MAIL

TO FIND IT,
SO CHANCES ARE
I'LL FIND IT.

REMEMBER WHEN WE HID
THAT BUNCH OF ROTTING
BANANAS IN YOUR DANCE BAG?

YOU DID?
THAT'S THE SMELL?

CHECK YOUR BOX.

I FOUND PICTURES.

GAH, MUST UNSEE.

"ETERNAL SUNSHINE"
MY MIND.

YOU LIVED IN VEGAS.
HOW CAN THIS BE SHOCKING?

OKAY, IF THAT
HAPPENED IN VEGAS,

EVEN VEGAS WOULD BE SAYING,
"TELL SOMEONE ABOUT THIS.

DON'T LET IT
STAY IN VEGAS."

HEY, PARTNERS.

Fanny: MILLY, WHAT
A NICE SURPRISE.

I JUST CAME BY
TO DROP OFF

A COUPLE MORE CHECKS.

WHO KNEW USHER UNIFORMS
COULD BE SO EXPENSIVE?

- REALLY?
- WHAT, ARE THEY MADE
OF VICUNA OR SOMETHING?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY'RE MADE OF,

BUT AT THOSE PRICES,
I'M GONNA START

SELLING THEM MYSELF.

JUST KNOW HOW GRATEFUL
WE ARE TO YOU

FOR YOUR PATRONAGE.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE,
FINISH WARMING UP.

REHEARSAL
IN FIVE MINUTES.

UM, FANNY,
I WAS WONDERING

- IF THIS MIGHT
BE A GOOD TIME.
- FOR WHAT?

WELL, FOR MY
BACKER'S REHEARSAL.

- YOUR WHAT?
- MY BACKER'S REHEARSAL.

IT'S A SPECIAL
ADVANCE PERFORMANCE
FOR INVESTORS.

YEAH, WE KNOW WHAT
A BACKER'S REHEARSAL IS.

- SO YOU READ "PLAYBILL"?
- WHAT?

"PLAYBILL."
I STARTED READING IT

THE MINUTE I BECAME
A PLAYER IN THE BIZ,
SO TO SPEAK,

AND NOW I'M
TOTALLY ADDICTED.

DID YOU KNOW
THE LEAD IN "MEMPHIS"
JUST BOOKED A SITCOM?

- WE DID NOT KNOW THAT.
- IT'S TRUE.

SO IS NOW A GOOD TIME?

IT SEEMS LIKE YOU'RE
ABOUT READY TO REHEARSE
NOW ANYHOW, SO...

MILLY, THIS WOULD
ABSOLUTELY NOT--

FANNY, CAN I--

OVER HERE
FOR A SEC.

IS SHE OUT
OF HER MIND?

ISN'T IT ENOUGH I LET HER PUT
HER NAME ON THE AMPHITHEATER?

EXCUSE ME,
ON THE PERFORMANCE CENTER?

PRETEND TO BE LOOKING
AT OUR SCHEDULE.

A PERFORMANCE CENTER
ISN'T A THEATER.

IT'S WHERE MICHAEL PHELPS
GOES TO TRAIN.

- I KNOW.
- IT'S WHERE THEY TEST

- EXPENSIVE GERMAN
SPORTS CARS.
- DON'T DISAGREE.

IT'S WHERE MEN WITH
DEFECTIVE EQUIPMENT
HAVE PUMPS INSTALLED

SO THAT THEY CAN
LEAVE THEIR WIVES
FOR A YOGA TEACHER.

OKAY, COME BACK
TO ME HERE.

THIS IS AN INVASION.

SHE CAN SEE THE SHOW
WHEN IT'S READY.

- JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE.
- OKAY, DEVIL'S ADVOCATE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR MILLY,
WE WOULDN'T HAVE A THEATER,

OR LIGHTS,
OR COSTUMES.

AND LET'S NOT FORGET
THE WELL-BUILT USHERS.

THAT'S DEFINITELY A PERK.

SHE JUST WANTS
TO SEE A REHEARSAL

AND WE'RE ALREADY
DOING A REHEARSAL.

LETTING HER WATCH
A LITTLE PRETTY DANCING

SEEMS LIKE
A SMALL PRICE TO PAY.

WELL...

WE HAVE SOME GOOD NEWS.

WE CHECKED OUR SCHEDULE,

AND IT LOOKS LIKE WE CAN DO
YOUR BACKER'S REHEARSAL

- RIGHT NOW.
- REALLY?

- REALLY.
- GREAT.

- THERE'S JUST ONE
SMALL PROBLEM.
- WHAT?

WELL, BACKER'S REHEARSALS

USUALLY HAVE BEAUTIFUL
SPREADS OF FOOD.

SUSHI PLATTERS,
CHAMPAGNE,

ONE TIME I SAW
A CREPE GUY.

IT'S JUST A SHAME THAT
THIS IS ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE.

- WE COULDN'T ARRANGE THAT.
- LET ME MAKE A CALL.

AT LEAST WE'RE GONNA EAT.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I DON'T SUPPOSE
YOU'D BELIEVE

I'M SIGNING UP
FOR CLASS?

CHANNELING MY INNER
BARYSHNIKOV?

NO.

THEN I GUESS
I WAS HOPING

I'D RUN INTO YOU.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU
AROUND LATELY.

OH, YEAH.

- THINGS HAVE BEEN CRAZY.
- I FIGURED.

I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR
TEXTS ARE MORE THAN
THREE LETTERS LONG.

- SORRY.
- I CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT
HALF OF THEM.

WHAT DOES "CTN" MEAN?

- CAN'T TEXT NOW.
- OH, OF COURSE.

OR CAN'T TALK NOW
DEPENDING ON CONTEXT.

I THINK
YOU'VE SENT BOTH.

I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'VE JUST BEEN CRAZY
WITH STUFF, YOU KNOW?

WELL, ARE YOU
BUSY TONIGHT?

- I WAS THINKING--
- I CAN'T TONIGHT.

- I'M--
- YEAH.

- OKAY.
- BUT WE'LL DO
SOMETHING SOON.

I PROMISE.

I'LL TEXT YOU.
FOUR LETTERS THIS TIME.

SO MILLY,
WE'LL BE GETTING STARTED

IN JUST A SECOND.

- IT'S VERY EXCITING.
- OH, I KNOW.

- FOR EVERYONE.
- AND YOU'LL BE
HAPPY TO KNOW

I UNWRAPPED
MY HARD CANDY,

SO THE NOISE WON'T
BE DISTRACTING

DURING THE PERFORMANCE.

I'M THRILLED.

OKAY, CLASS.
WE HAVE A SPECIAL GUEST
FOR REHEARSAL TODAY.

OUR BENEVOLENT BENEFACTOR,
OUR ANGEL,

MILLICENT STONE.

( applause )

PLEASE, CALL ME MILLY
AND PRETEND I'M NOT HERE.

PLACES, EVERYONE.

WE'LL JUST RUN THE OPENING,
RAY-RAY'S SOLO,

AND THEN THE ENDING.

THOSE NEED THE MOST
WORK ANYHOW.

- SOUNDS--
- ( screeching, scraping )

WHAT IS SHE DOING?

A VERY POORLY STAGED
VERSION OF "MEIN HERR"?

( scraping continues )

AND MUSIC, PLEASE.

( "Sleeping Beauty Waltz"
playing )

SHE'S NOT--

NO...

SHE'S TAKING NOTES.

- I'M GONNA--
- NO, YOU'RE NOT.

- ( inhales )
- IT'S OKAY.

( breathes deeply )

( applause )

WONDERFUL WORK,
EVERYONE.

VERY VERY NICE.

NOW REMEMBER,
WE TECH NEXT WEDNESDAY

AND DRESS ON THURSDAY.

I'LL SEE YOU ALL THEN.

DANCERS TO THE CHAIR, PLEASE.

WHAT THE HELL
IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

LET'S GO.
TIME IS MONEY.

( cellphone rings )

YES?

CAN'T NOW.
HAVE A NOTE SESSION.

OKAY, SO A LOT
OF GOOD STUFF HERE.

JUST A FEW THINGS.

FIRST OFF, IT'S VERY CONFUSING
THAT YOU'RE NOT WEARING TUTUS.

PEOPLE EXPECT TUTUS
WHEN YOU GO TO THE BALLET.

- MILLY!
- BACK IT UP, BACK IT UP.

MILLY, IT WASN'T
A DRESS REHEARSAL.

THEY WEREN'T IN COSTUME

BECAUSE IT WAS NOT
A DRESS REHEARSAL.

SO THEY WEREN'T DRESSED.

I PROMISE THERE WILL BE
TUTUS FOR THE SHOW.

OH. OH, GOOD.
SO WE'RE ON THE SAME PAGE.

GREAT. SO THANK YOU
FOR YOUR HELPFUL THOUGHTS--

HOLD ON.

THERE'S TOO MUCH
OF THIS STEP...

YOU GET THE GIST.
SO LESS OF THAT

FOR THE WHOLE GROUP.

AND DON'T DO
THE SPINNY THING.

IT MAKES ME DIZZY.

AND YOU, YOU DID
THIS ONE MOVE

WHERE IT LOOKED
LIKE YOU WERE TRIPPING.

THAT WAS WHEN
I TRIPPED.

GOOD CATCH, MILLY.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
THE TRIPPING SHOULD CHANGE.

- RIGHT, FANNY?
- SURE.

AND HERE'S A QUESTION.
WHERE ARE THE DWARVES?

DWARVES?

WE'RE DOING "SLEEPING BEAUTY."
THERE ARE SUPPOSED

- TO BE DWARVES.
- IN "SNOW WHITE."

THE DWARVES ARE
IN "SNOW WHITE."

WE ARE NOT DOING
"SLEEPING BEAUTY AND
THE SEVEN DWARVES."

OH, I ALWAYS GET
THOSE MIXED UP.

OKAY, NEXT.

WHAT'S WITH
ALL THE MIRRORS?

WHO NEEDS TO LOOK
AT THEMSELVES THAT MUCH?

ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S IT. WE'RE DONE.

WAIT, I HAVE
MORE PAGES.

YOU WANTED
TO SEE A REHEARSAL,

YOU SAW IT,
WE'RE DONE.

LOOK, FANNY,

"PLAYBILL" SAYS A PRODUCER
GETS TO GIVE NOTES.

YOU ARE NOT A PRODUCER.

I GAVE MONEY.

A PRODUCER IS SOMEONE
WHO GIVES MONEY.

AND A PRODUCER GETS
TO HAVE AN OPINION

AND GIVE NOTES,

AND THEY USUALLY HAVE
A CHAIR WITH THEIR NAME ON IT

WHICH I HAVE ORDERED,
AND IT SHOULD BE HERE
BY WEDNESDAY.

AND THAT IS WHAT IS WRONG
WITH THE ARTS TODAY.

PEOPLE WITH
NO KNOWLEDGE AT ALL

THROW A WAD OF CASH ON THE TABLE
LIKE A DRUG DEALER

AND THEN EVERYBODY LISTENS.

WELL, NOT ME
AND NOT HERE.

YOU ARE NOT SCOTT RUDIN

AND THIS IS NOT
A JOHNNY DEPP MOVIE.

THIS IS MY STUDIO
AND MY PRODUCTION

AND YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NO RIGHT TO GIVE NOTES.

AND IF THAT'S A PROBLEM,

YOU CAN JUST WRITE
A LETTER TO "PLAYBILL"

AND WORK IT OUT
WITH THEM.

WHY ARE YOU ALL
LISTENING TO HER?

YOU SAID SHE WAS
OUR ANGEL.

EVERYBODY OUT.

EVERYBODY!

IF YOU WON'T LET ME
HAVE MY INPUT,

THEN I WANT
MY MONEY BACK.

YOU KNOW THAT MONEY'S
ALREADY SPENT.

I'LL SUE.

THEN YOU'LL JUST BE KNOWN
AS THAT MEAN LITTLE WOMAN

THAT SUED
THE TOWN BALLET SCHOOL

AND CRUSHED ALL
THE CHILDREN'S DREAMS.

I DON'T CARE.
YOU CAN TALK TO

THAT WOMEN'S CENTER ON HOWELL
IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME.

THEY'RE A DRY-CLEANERS NOW.

FINE!
SUE!

CALLING LAWYERS NOW.

CALL LAWYERS.

Phone: Call lawyers.

UH, SO,
THAT WAS KIND OF--

I KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE'RE BRINGING ALL THIS.

IT'S A PARTY.
IT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO.

BUT THE POINT OF
CHIPS AT A PARTY

IS TO SOAK UP BOOZE.

THIS PARTY'S BEING THROWN
BY A 16-YEAR-OLD.

THAT'S JUST IT.
SASHA'S A KID.

SHE WON'T HAVE
GOTTEN ENOUGH FOOD

AND THE PARTY WILL SUCK
AND EVERYONE WILL CALL
HER MARY RICHARDS.

YES, GRANDMA.
I'M SURE ALL THE KIDS

WILL BE CALLING HER
MARY RICHARDS.

- OH, HEY.
- HEY, JUST GETTING BREAD
FOR THE BRUSCHETTA.

- ( music playing )
- ( kids chattering )

THIS IS A 16-YEAR-OLD'S
APARTMENT?

Michelle: OR OZ.
IT COULD BE OZ.

- SHE'S GOT A FIREPLACE.
- AND WOOD.

THERE'S WOOD BURNING
IN THE FIREPLACE.

I HAD A FIREPLACE
WHEN I LIVED IN OREGON.

THE RATS
NESTED IN IT.

( gasps )
CHECK OUT THE FOOD TABLE.

OH, SHE'S GOT
THOSE METAL CONTAINERS

WITH THE CANDLE THINGIES
UNDER THEM.

CHAFING DISHES,
SHE'S GOT CHAFING DISHES.

- EXCUSE ME?
- YES?

COULD YOU PLEASE
GET ME A PILLOW?

SURE.

BUT DON'T TAKE
A NICE ONE.

THEN I'LL HAVE TO RUN
BACK TO MY PLACE.

( gasps )
LET'S CHECK OUT
THE BATHROOM.

DOES SHE LET
PEOPLE GO IN THERE?

I'M GOING IN.

OKAY, NOW DO I
ADD THE NUTS?

MARTHA SAYS
WHEN THE EGG WHITE

HAS BEEN PROPERLY BEATEN,
NO CLEAR LIQUID

SHOULD REMAIN
AT THE BOTTOM OF THE BOWL.

I SEE NO
CLEAR LIQUID.

- THEN FOLLOW MARTHA.
- ADDING THE NUTS.

PIPES LOOK GOOD.

THAT ADDS A LOT
OF RESALE VALUE.

TAKE YOUR BROKER'S
VEST OFF, GINNY.

OH, SHOOT.
I FORGOT THE ICE RING

- FOR THE PUNCH.
- OOH, I'LL GET IT.

IT'S SO PRETTY.

THE PANSIES
ARE EDIBLE.

MONOGRAMMED TOWELS.
SHE HAS MONOGRAMMED TOWELS.

- I SAW.
- DON'T YOU NEED, LIKE,

SIX WEEKS TO GET
SOMETHING MONOGRAMMED?

NO IDEA.
I WRITE MY NAME
ON MY UNDERPANTS

WITH A SHARPIE.

HEY, ISN'T THAT YOUR
CHEERLEADING FRIEND?

Sasha: AUBREY.
I DIDN'T EVEN INVITE HER.

CHEERLEADERS
CAN SENSE PARTIES.

IT'S INNATE.
IT'S LIKE THEIR ABILITY

TO MAKE PEOPLE
FEEL SMALL.

SASHA!

I HOPE IT'S OKAY
THAT I CAME

'CAUSE WHEN I HEARD
MY FRIEND SASHA

WAS HAVING A PARTY,
I JUST HAD TO BE HERE.

OF COURSE.
FRIEND.

OH, HEY, BOO,
WILL YOU STIR FOR ME?

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

HI, I'M AUBREY.

I'M GINNY.
WE'VE MET BEFORE.

NO.

- SEVERAL TIMES.
- I DON'T THINK SO.

WE'RE IN THE SAME
CHEM CLASS.

- ARE YOU SURE?
- WE'RE LAB PARTNERS.

NOT RINGING
ANY BELLS.

- HEY, AUBREY!
- MADDIE, HI!

HOW ARE YOU?

IT'S LIKE BREATHING
TO THEM.

YOU MADE IT.

- WE MADE IT.
- YOU'RE THE 16-YEAR-OLD?

WHAT'S WITH
THE HOSTILE TONE?

I'M A LITTLE PISSED
BY ALL THIS.

IGNORE HIM.
BUT STILL, THIS PLACE.

AND THE FURNITURE,
AND YOU HAVE A BUCKET.

- OF COURSE.
- NOT OF COURSE.

I'VE NEVER
OWNED A BUCKET.

I HAVEN'T EITHER.
YOU BORROW BUCKETS.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
- IGNORE HIM.

YOU BROUGHT UP
THE BUCKET.

COME ON. I WANT TO
SHOW YOU SOMETHING.

WOW. WHAT A GREAT ROOM.

I LOVE THE DRESSER
AND THE PILLOWS.

AND HOW THE FRESH-CUT FLOWERS
PICK UP THE PINK IN THE FROG--

YOU'VE ALREADY
BEEN IN HERE,
HAVEN'T YOU?

TOTALLY. WENT THROUGH
YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER
AND EVERYTHING.

HEY, CAN YOU SHOW ME
HOW TO DO THAT THING

WHERE YOU FOLD UP YOUR
SOCKS INTO TINY LITTLE BALLS?

THIS IS WHAT
I WANTED YOU TO SEE.

DID YOU STEAL IT
FROM THE STUDIO?

NO. I HAD IT
PUT IN.

AT JOFFREY,
THERE WAS THIS GIRL

WHO TOLD ME HER DAD
PUT A BARRE IN HER ROOM

SO SHE COULD
PRACTICE EVERY NIGHT,

AND SHE WAS
REALLY GOOD.

SO I FIGURED
IF I'M GONNA
GET THAT GOOD,

I NEED A BARRE TOO.

VERY NICE.

SEE? SERIOUS.

YOU ARE.

SEEMED LIKE SOMETHING
YOU WOULD DO.

SO, HEY, DO YOU HAVE
YOUR HOME INVASION
ESCAPE PLAN SET YET?

- WHAT'S THAT?
- AH, IT'S THE FIRST
THING I DO

ANYTIME I MOVE IN
SOMEPLACE NEW.

IT'S A TOTAL
SINGLE GIRL MUST.

SEE? I LOOK AROUND A ROOM

AND I THINK
THE HOME INVADER

IS COMING IN THROUGH
THE FRONT DOOR,

SO WHERE DO I GO?

YOU DON'T WANT TO
HIDE IN THE CLOSET

'CAUSE HE WILL
CHECK THE CLOSET

AND THEN YOU'RE TRAPPED,
SO OBVIOUSLY, YOU'RE--

SEE YA.
NOW, YOU'RE ON
THE FIRST FLOOR

WHICH MEANS YOU CAN
JUMP OUT THE WINDOW

WHICH IS AWESOME
EXCEPT IT ALSO MEANS

THE HOME INVADER CAN
COME IN THROUGH THE WINDOW.

WHICH MEANS YOU NEED
A SECOND ESCAPE ROUTE.

PLUS, YOU HOPE IT'S NOT
A GROUP OF HOME INVADERS

LIKE IN "TAKEN," SO...

AND NOBODY EVER
ATTACKED ME

AND I WAS SAFE
AND I GOT A KITTEN.

LET'S SEE THAT
BUCKET AGAIN.

I GOT THE BREAD.

EXCUSE ME A SECOND.
DON'T GO THROUGH MY CLOSET.

THAT MUST MEAN THERE'S
SOMETHING GOOD IN THERE.

WELL WELL WELL,
SOMEBODY'S GOT
A MINI-ME.

STOP.

SHE TOTALLY
LOOKS UP TO YOU.

YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M
EIGHT FEET TALL.

I THINK IT'S CUTE.

AND A LITTLE
DANGEROUS.

( laughs )

SO YOUR VACUUM CLEANER
DOESN'T NEED BAGS?

NO.

AND THERE'S NO
LOSS OF SUCTION?

NONE THAT I'VE NOTICED.

WOW.

HERE, LET ME GET
MORE ICE FOR YOU.

HI, I'M AUBREY.

- GINNY.
- GOOD FOR YOU.

- WHAT?
- I WISH I COULD BE
ONE OF THOSE GIRLS

WHO JUST
DOESN'T CARE.

WHEN I GET AN APARTMENT,

I'M GONNA PAINT
ALL THE WALLS BLACK

AND HANG SILVER TINSEL
FROM THE CEILING.

- THAT'S TERRIFYING.
- NOT AS TERRIFYING

AS YOUR FAINTING COUCH.

MARTHA SAID A FAINTING COUCH
IS THE PERFECT WAY

TO CREATE SEATING
WITHOUT BLOCKING
NATURAL LIGHT.

SHE'S JUST JEALOUS.

WE ALL ARE.
THIS PLACE IS AMAZING.

WE SHOULD TOTALLY
MAKE IT OUR HANGOUT.

LIKE IN THAT IRISH MOVIE
WHERE MINNIE DRIVER WAS FAT.

AND THEY HAD THAT
CLUBHOUSE IN THE WOODS

WHERE THEY WOULD
ALL GO FOR PARTIES

AND SECRET TRYSTS?

YES, THIS COULD BE OUR
SECRET IRISH TRYSTY PLACE.

DONE. HEY,
STAY OVER TONIGHT.

WE'LL INITIATE
THE CLUBHOUSE.

- OH, I CAN'T.
- ME EITHER.

- PARENTS SHOT
THE IDEA DOWN.
- IT WAS YOUR IDEA.

THE WHOLE "NO ADULT
SUPERVISION" THING

- IS A NO GO.
- YEAH, IT WAS A BIG DEAL.

THERE WAS OATH SWEARING
AND EVERYTHING.

OH. OKAY.

BUT WE CAN HANG OUT
DURING THE DAY.

AND WE'LL WORK OUT
A SYSTEM EVENTUALLY.

- SEE YOU TOMORROW?
- YES. THANKS FOR COMING.

TAKE LEFTOVERS.

- HEY.
- YOU GUYS GOING?

WE HAVE A MYSTERIOUS
SOMETHING TO GET TO.

- IT WAS A GREAT PARTY.
- THANKS.

LET ME GET YOU
A FAVOR.

- CHOCOLATE CHIP.
- AND THEY'RE WARM.

OH MY GOD.

LISTEN, KID,

ONE MORE
PIECE OF ADVICE.

DON'T BOND WITH
THE OLD LADY NEXT DOOR.

- MRS. WEIDEMEYER?
- YOU SEE HER DOOR OPEN,

DIVE FOR COVER.
AND WHATEVER YOU DO,

DO NOT TELL HER
YOU HAVE A CAR.

OLD LADIES ARE
GIANT CON ARTISTS.

- CON ARTISTS?
- THEY START SMALL.

TRIPS TO THE MARKET
AND THE YARN SHOP,

BUT BEFORE YOU KNOW IT
YOU'RE PICKING UP

THEIR PRESCRIPTIONS
AT 11:00 AT NIGHT

AND DRIVING THEM
TO THE HOSPITAL

WHEN THEIR HIPS BREAK.
AND YOU THINK--

THEY ONLY HAVE TWO HIPS,
HOW MANY CAN THEY BREAK?

18.

'CAUSE THEY BREAK
THE SAME HIPS

OVER AND OVER.

GOT IT.

SWEETIE,

MY THROAT'S
A LITTLE DRY.

COULD YOU GET ME
A LOZENGE?

SURE.

- THAT GIRL IS NOT NORMAL.
- I'M NOT DISAGREEING.

THERE WASN'T A BONG
IN THE ENTIRE PLACE.

WHEN I WAS HER AGE,
EVERYTHING IN MY ROOM

WAS EITHER A BONG
OR SOMETHING I COULD

MAKE INTO A BONG.

I WAS 25 BEFORE
I OWNED AN APPLIANCE.

IT WAS A USED MICROWAVE
THAT HAD PERMANENT

SOUP STAINS
AND I'M PRETTY SURE

RADIATED MY OVARIES.

- WE SHOULD HIT IT.
- MMM.

SO REMEMBER,
RULES OF THE ROAD,

- NO PUTTING
YOUR SEAT BACK.
- COME ON.

- YOU'LL FALL ASLEEP.
- SO?

SO IT'S NOT FAIR
THAT YOU GET TO
SLEEP AND I DON'T.

AND IF YOU PUT
YOUR SEAT BACK,
YOU WILL GO TO SLEEP.

ALL RIGHT,
I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I PROMISE
I WON'T FALL ASLEEP

IF YOU PROMISE ME THERE'S
A BATHROOM AT THIS THING.

FINE.
PUT YOUR SEAT BACK.

( doorbell rings )

( sighs )

HELLO, MILLY.
GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT.

THANK YOU FOR
THE INVITATION.

MAY I TAKE
YOUR PURSE?

WHY?

I JUST THOUGHT YOU'D BE
MORE COMFORTABLE WITHOUT IT.

- REALLY?
- REALLY.

I'LL KEEP IT.
THANK YOU.

MY KITCHEN REMODEL
IS TAKING FOREVER

SO I HAD TO ORDER IN.
I HOPE YOU LIKE BLONDIE'S.

I DO LIKE THEM.
THEY PAY ON TIME

AND DON'T
COMPLAIN TOO MUCH.

YOU RENT TO THEM TOO?

MY CLIENT LIST
IS CONFIDENTIAL.

HAVE A SEAT, MILLY.

WATER?

IT'S THE STAFF
OF LIFE.

OKAY IF WE JUST
SERVE OURSELVES?

IT'S INFORMAL,
I KNOW.

BUT WE'RE NOT SITTING
IN DOWNTON ABBEY, ARE WE?

NO.

NOT BY A LONG SHOT.

( bottle clangs )

I'LL CUT TO THE CHASE
HERE, MILLY.

I OVERREACTED EARLIER.

WHEN YOU TRIED
TO TAKE MY PURSE?

AT THE BACKER'S REHEARSAL.

I AGREE.

BUT YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

YOU FORCED ME
TO ACT THAT WAY.

HOW DO YOU FIGURE?

YOU HAVEN'T HAD
A LOT OF EXPERIENCE

WITH CREATIVE
ENDEAVORS.

CREATING ART
IS NOT DEMOCRATIC.

THESE CARROTS
LOOK GOOD.

MY DANCE STUDIO
IS MY KINGDOM.

AND I AM
THE REIGNING MONARCH,

AND I AM NOT
ACCUSTOMED TO INPUT.

YOU CAN CREATE
ALL YOU WANT.

BUT IF YOU DON'T HAVE
A STAGE TO PUT IT ON,

IT'S USELESS.

WHAT'S ON THIS?

- TARRAGON.
- YUCK.

LOOK, MILLY,

WE EACH HAVE
A ROLE HERE

AND THEY'RE
BOTH IMPORTANT,

BUT YOU
STEPPED ON MINE.

WHEN YOU'RE THE MONEY PERSON,
YOU GET TO DO THAT.

YOU GET
TO STEP ON PEOPLE?

DIPLOMATICALLY SPEAKING.

THERE'S NO DIPLOMATIC WAY
TO STEP ON PEOPLE.

IS THIS ALL
YOU ORDERED?

YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT,
IS THAT IT, MILLY?

- YOU'RE ALWAYS RIGHT.
- CLOSE TO ALWAYS.

- REALLY?
- YES.

WELL, GUESS WHAT
THE STAFF OF LIFE IS, MILLY.

IT'S NOT WATER.
IT'S BREAD.

I'M PRETTY SURE
IT'S WATER.

- IT'S BREAD.
- IT'S BOTH.

THEY'RE BOTH IMPORTANT.
PEOPLE DIE WITHOUT WATER.

WE'RE GETTING OFF
THE SUBJECT HERE.

YOU BROUGHT UP BREAD.

FOR THIS
PARTNERSHIP TO WORK,

YOU NEED TO
MEET ME HALFWAY.

YOU CAN AT LEAST
DO THAT.

NOT IF I DON'T WANT TO.

BY THE WAY,
DO YOU HAVE ANY BREAD?

SEE, THIS IS WHY
NOBODY LIKES YOU.

THIS PIG-HEADED
STUBBORNNESS OF YOURS.

NO. THE REASON
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE ME

IS BECAUSE
I HAVE MONEY.

THAT'S NOT WHY
PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOU.

IF YOU LOST ALL
YOUR MONEY TOMORROW,

PEOPLE WOULD STILL
DISLIKE YOU.

NO. THEY WOULD DISLIKE ME

BECAUSE WHEN I HAD MONEY
THEY WERE JEALOUS.

NO ONE LIKES
PEOPLE WITH MONEY.

THEY LIKE WARREN BUFFETT.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

THE MAN OWNS
SEE'S CANDY.

EVERYONE LIKES
SEE'S CANDY.

THEY LIKE THE CANDY,
NOT THE MAN.

ONLY HIS FAMILY
LIKES THE MAN

BECAUSE WHEN THE MAN DIES
THEY'LL GET MONEY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT,
MILLY?

WHAT'S THE BOTTOM LINE
HERE?

BOTTOM LINE?

I'M TIRED OF BEING CONSIDERED
JUST A BUSINESSPERSON.

I WANT TO BE CONSIDERED
IMPORTANT IN THE ARTS.

IT'S A BALLET STUDIO
IN A SMALL TOWN.

IT'S A STARTING POINT.

THERE'S A LOT TO KNOW.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT
GIVING MONEY.

WELL, I WANT TO KNOW
ALL THERE IS.

IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES.

FINE.

THEN I WILL GIVE YOU
BOOKS, DVDS.

I WILL PERSONALLY TEACH YOU
ABOUT DANCE AND BALLET.

AND I'LL HAVE MY PIANIST

TEACH YOU EVERYTHING
YOU WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MUSIC.

WOW.

WHAT?

SOUNDS MONDO
TIME-CONSUMING.

IT IS MONDO
TIME-CONSUMING.

MM.

LET ME ASK YOU THIS,
MILLY.

DO YOU WANT
TO KNOW THE ARTS

OR JUST BE PERCEIVED

AS SOMEONE WHO
KNOWS THE ARTS?

WHAT KIND OF TIME COMMITMENT
WOULD THE SECOND ONE BE?

- HARDLY ANY.
- I'M LISTENING.

LET'S MAKE A DEAL.

I WILL GLADLY TELL
ANYONE YOU WANT

THAT YOU ARE
A MASTER OF THE ARTS.

IN EXCHANGE, YOU WILL LEAVE
THE CREATIVE END

COMPLETELY TO ME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

FANNY, I THINK
WE HAVE A DEAL.

GOOD.

WILL YOU TELL PEOPLE
IT WAS MY IDEA

TO WEAR THE TUTUS?

ABSOLUTELY.

IT WAS A LOVELY PARTY.

SO GROWN UP.

HEAVENS, I DIDN'T EVEN
THINK YOU WERE OLD ENOUGH

TO HAVE A CAR.

( chuckles )

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?

NOPE. NO CAR.
JUST FEET.

OH.

( knocking on door )

OH. HEY.

- HEY.
- WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?

I HEARD YOU WERE
HAVING A PARTY.

OH, YEAH.

GUESS MY INVITATION
GOT LOST?

SO CAN I COME IN?

SURE.

WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT IT?

AUBREY WAS
CHEERING AT MY GAME.

SHE ASSUMED
I WAS INVITED.

WHEN DID YOU START
PLAYING BASKETBALL
AGAIN?

THREE WEEKS AGO.

- OH.
- YEP.

IT'S KIND OF BEEN A WHILE
SINCE WE'VE TALKED.

SO WHERE ARE WE
ANYWAY?

MY APARTMENT.

YOUR WHAT?

MY APARTMENT.

IT WAS A HOUSEWARMING PARTY.

YOU GOT AN APARTMENT
AND NEVER TOLD ME.

A WHOLE APARTMENT.
YOU ACTUALLY MOVED?

- IT WAS SUDDEN.
- SO IF I HAD

SHOWN UP AT YOUR HOUSE
WITH A BOOM BOX

AND PETER GABRIEL
BLASTING...

THE NEW OWNERS WOULD HAVE
CALLED THE POLICE.

RIGHT. OKAY.

SO, CLEARLY THIS ISN'T
GOING TO HAPPEN, RIGHT?

HEY, THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.

OKAY?

I'VE BEEN DEALING
WITH A LOT OF STUFF.

MY PARENTS COMPLETELY
ABANDONED ME.

I'M SUDDENLY
ON MY OWN,

AND I HAD TO GET FURNITURE,

AND REDO THE FLOORS,

AND I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE EVER

SET UP UTILITIES,
BUT IF YOU DON'T

HAVE A CREDIT CARD,
IT'S A PROBLEM.

AND EVERY TIME
I THOUGHT ABOUT
MY APARTMENT AND YOU,

AND YOU IN MY APARTMENT
WITH ME,

IT WAS WEIRD
AND CONFUSING.

AND I'M LIKE, "WHAT?
IS HE GONNA THINK

I'M INVITING HIM OVER
TO MY BIG PARENT FREE

SEX PALACE NOW?"

AND IT FREAKED ME OUT.

AND I HAD A PARTY TO PLAN
AND LETTUCE TO WASH

SO I HAD TO PUT
YOU OVER THERE

IN A CORNER
BECAUSE I JUST

COULDN'T DEAL
WITH IT YET.

WOW.

YOU'RE WEIRDER
THAN I THOUGHT.

AND I THOUGHT YOU
WERE PRETTY WEIRD.

AND WHY WOULD I
JUST ASSUME

THAT THIS IS
A SEX PALACE, HUH?

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THE HELL
A SEX PALACE IS.

DON'T GET ME WRONG,
IT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE
A BAD THING,

BUT I WOULDN'T
HAVE JUST ASSUMED

THAT THIS IS
ONE OF THEM.

- HEY!
- WHAT?

SO WHAT?

THIS ISN'T GONNA HAPPEN?

OH MY GOD,
YOU'RE NUTS.

YOU'RE SERIOUSLY
CERTIFIABLE.

I HAVE BEEN
CALLING AND TEXTING

AND THROWING
MY SELF-RESPECT
OUT THE WINDOW

AND BASICALLY
STALKING YOU,

AND YOU JUST TOLD ME
I WAS OUTRANKED BY LETTUCE.

SO YEAH, IT DOESN'T
REALLY SEEM LIKE

YOU WANT THIS
TO HAPPEN.

- WELL, I DO.
- OH YEAH?

- YEAH!
- FINE. WHEN?

- FRIDAY.
- 8:00?

- FINE.
- GREAT.

- BYE!
- BYE!

IS THE MAN
ON FIRE YET?

WE'RE NOT THERE.

GO BACK TO SLEEP.

WHERE ARE WE?

TOOK A LITTLE DETOUR.

JUST HAVE TO RUN
A QUICK ERRAND.

I'LL BE BACK
IN A SECOND.

WHAT? I TOLD YOU
TO STAY IN THE CAR.

I THOUGHT I'D
GET SOME FRIES.

I'LL GET YOU FRIES.
GO BACK TO THE CAR.

I MIGHT WANT SOMETHING
WITH MY FRIES.

WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT
WITH YOUR FRIES?

I DON'T KNOW.
MORE FRIES?

GO BACK TO THE CAR
AND I'LL BRING YOU

SOMETHING YOU'LL LIKE.

IT'LL BE A SURPRISE.
LIKE A GAME.

- YOU LIKE GAMES.
- YOU'RE BEING WEIRD.

WHAT'S GOING ON?
IS THE GUN BEHIND
THE TOILET OR SOMETHING?

YOU'VE GOT TO
BE KIDDING ME.

- MICHELLE...
- YOU DROVE ALL
THE WAY TO--

- WHERE ARE WE?
- SACRAMENTO.

SACRAMENTO?
SACRAMENTO?

PLEASE, MICHELLE,
GO BACK TO THE CAR.

TELL ME, SCOTTY,
TELL ME WHY YOU DROVE

200 MILES TO SEE MOM.

A WOMAN I'VE BEEN
ACTIVELY SUCCESSFULLY

AVOIDING
FOR 12 1/2 YEARS?

THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU.
I JUST HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.

- WHAT?
- PLEASE.

GO BACK
TO THE CAR.

MOM.

HANG ON.

( mouthing )

I'M KIND OF IN
A HURRY, MOM.

IF I DON'T FINISH
THIS ARTICLE NOW,

I'LL HAVE TO START
ALL OVER AGAIN.

YOU KNOW THAT.

( sighs )
GOD.

SUSAN SARANDON
IS SO INTERESTING.

SHOULD HAVE BEEN
MORE POLITICAL.

WOMEN WHO ARE POLITICAL
ARE SO MUCH MORE INTERESTING

THAN WOMEN
WHO ARE NOT.

YOU WANT
SOMETHING TO DRINK?

COFFEE AND FRIES,
PLEASE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- ORDERING COFFEE AND FRIES.

- WHY?
- 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T
SIT IN A DINER

AND NOT ORDER ANYTHING.
IT'S SUPER RUDE.

JUST GO BACK
TO THE CAR.

IGNORE ME.
I'M NOT HERE.

- HOW ARE THE CHEESEBURGERS?
- COMPARED TO WHAT?

I'LL HAVE
A CHEESEBURGER.

IS THAT MICHELLE?

YES.

WHY DID YOU
BRING MICHELLE?

MOM, PLEASE.
LET'S JUST DO THIS, OKAY?

I'M NOT PREPARED
FOR MICHELLE.

I DIDN'T DRESS
FOR MICHELLE.

GOD. ANYWAY,

DID I TELL YOU
ABOUT THE CONDO?

TALK AND LOOK, MOM.

WELL, IT'S PERFECT FOR ME.

IT HAS TWO BEDROOMS

SO YOU CAN STAY IN ONE
IF YOU EVER VISIT.

AND A BONUS ROOM I'M GOING TO
TURN INTO MY RECORDING STUDIO.

HER RECORDING STUDIO?

I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA
MAKE AN ALBUM, RIGHT?

HER RECORDING STUDIO?

NO, YOU DIDN'T.
YOU'RE NOT HERE.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO SING.

AND RUFUS
HAS PRO TOOLS.

RUFUS IS MY NEW BOYFRIEND.
YOU DIDN'T ASK.

HE'S YOUNGER.
NOT AS YOUNG AS

SUSAN SARANDON'S BOYFRIEND,

BUT HE'S YOUNGER THAN ME.

WELL, GREAT.

- YOU HAVE THE--
- HE'S 35.

I HAVE A 35-YEAR-OLD
BOYFRIEND.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

NOT AT ALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUN?
OCEANOGRAPHY.

- WHAT?
- NOTHING.

SO, YOU'RE BUYING A CONDO.

I AM!

MY FRIEND JENNY,

SHE WAS LOOKING
AT IT FIRST.

SHE WANTED TO TURN
THE BONUS ROOM INTO
A GYM,

BUT IT'S GONNA MAKE A MUCH
BETTER RECORDING STUDIO.

I THOUGHT I'D TRY
COUNTRY AND WESTERN

BECAUSE I LOOK
GOOD IN HATS.

SILLY REASON, RIGHT?

- YES.
- NO.

YES.

- HERE'S YOUR COFFEE.
- THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.

THOSE ARE UNFAMILIAR WORDS.

SCOTTY, TELL SHANIA TWAIN

EYES ON HER OWN PAPER.

MOM, PLEASE.

OH YES.

IT'S JUST YOUR STANDARD
LEGAL BLAH BLAH BLAH.

( sighs )
I DON'T SEE WHERE

THE GUARDIAN'S SIGNATURE
IS SUPPOSED TO GO.

THE WHAT?

RIGHT THERE, I THINK.

THE GUARDIAN'S
SIGNATURE?

MY PEN'S DEAD.
YOU GOT A PEN?

HELLO? GUARDIAN SIGNATURE,
WHAT'S A GUARDIAN SIGNATURE?

SCOTTY SCOTTY SCOTTY
SCOTTY SCOTTY SCOTTY
SCOTTY.

( sighs )

I'M MOM'S GUARDIAN.

I HAVE TO SIGN ALL HER
FINANCIAL TRANSACTIONS, OKAY?

HOW MANY WAYS
CAN I SAY NO?

LOOK, SHE GOT
INTO A SITUATION.

THAT'S SHOCKING.

SHE BOUGHT A HOUSE
WITH A BOYFRIEND--

NOT RUFUS.

AND HE WAS
SUPPOSED TO PAY HALF,

BUT THEY BROKE UP

AND MOM DIDN'T WANT TO
GET STUCK WITH A HOUSE.

BUT THE ONLY WAY
TO GET HER OUT OF IT

WAS TO HAVE HER
DECLARED INCOMPETENT

WHICH INVOLVED ME
BECOMING HER GUARDIAN.

ARE YOU OUT OF
YOUR FREAKING MIND?

PLEASE, JUST
STAY OUT OF THIS.

HOW DID YOU LET HER
CON YOU INTO THIS?

SHE HAD TO GET RID OF THE HOUSE
IN ORDER TO GET THE CONDO.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE I UNDERSTAND
THE FULL CRAZY HERE.

SHE HAD HERSELF
DECLARED INCOMPETENT

TO GET OUT OF
A PLACE TO LIVE

IN ORDER TO GET
A DIFFERENT PLACE TO LIVE.

WELL, SHE WAS
SUPPOSED TO--

NO. I HAVEN'T GOTTEN
TO THE CRAZY YET.

SHE HAD HERSELF
DECLARED INCOMPETENT

TO GET OUT OF
A PLACE TO LIVE

AND YOU HELPED HER!

SHE CERTAINLY CAN'T
EXPECT ME TO LIVE

IN A PLACE WITH
SO MANY MEMORIES.

WHO CO-SIGNS ON A HOUSE

WITH A GUY THEY KNOW
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK OUT WITH?

WELL,
SHE DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

IT NEVER WORKS OUT.

IT WILL WITH RUFUS.

SCOTTY, LEAVE HERE
WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

JUST LET ME SIGN THIS.

SHE WILL GET YOU
INTO TROUBLE.

'CAUSE THAT'S
WHAT SHE DOES.

SHE DRAGS EVERYONE
INTO HER HOLE OF DESTRUCTION,

THEN SOMEHOW
SHE CLIMBS OUT

- AND LEAVES YOU THERE.
- SO DRAMATIC.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE
THE COUNTRY SINGER.

MOM CALLED ME
AND NEEDED HELP.

WHAT WAS I
SUPPOSED TO DO?

CHANGE YOUR NUMBER A LOT.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.

SHE ACTS LIKE
I CALL HER.

I'M NOT THAT DESPERATE.
I HAVE FRIENDS.

I'M MAKING A RECORD.

I DON'T SEE HOW IT'S ANY
OF HER BUSINESS ANYHOW.

SHE HASN'T CARED
FOR 12 YEARS.

12 1/2.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
IT MATTERS TO HER NOW.

THERE, MOM.

TAKE IT.

MICHELLE?

I JUST WANTED
TO SEE YOUR FACE.

( grunts )

WELL, DOOR-TO-DOOR
SERVICE

AND I DO ACCEPT
GRATUITIES.

YOU CAN'T FREEZE
ME OUT FOREVER.

YES, I CAN.

BUT I WON'T.

I SHOULD GET GOING.

GIVE ME SOME WARNING
BEFORE YOU GET MARRIED AGAIN.

THERE'S USUALLY
NOT THAT MUCH TIME.

( chuckles )

I'LL SLEEP
AT MY PLACE TOMORROW.