All language subtitles for Bunheads.S01E06_English

- PREVIOUSLY ON "BUNHEADS"...
- Truly: YOU'RE HER.

- I'M...?
- THE POLE DANCER FROM RENO.

I'M NOT A POLE DANCER.
WHO SAID I WAS A POLE DANCER?

- WHO ARE YOU?
- SHE IS MY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

THEY GOT MARRIED
IN LAS VEGAS.

- HI, TALIA.
- TELL ME EVERYTHING.

WE GOT HERE,
HE GOT IN A CAR ACCIDENT
AND NOW HE'S DEAD.

- YOU SHOULD GO UP FRONT TODAY.
- WHAT? NO.

- COME ON!
- I DON'T STAND IN
THE FRONT, MELANIE, EVER.

WELL, YOU SHOULD TODAY.

SO YOU CAN DANCE
IN FRONT OF MY BROTHER.

IF CHARLIE WANTS TO NOTICE ME, HE CAN NOTICE ME BACK HERE.

- IN THE BACK.
- HE'S NOT THAT OBSERVANT.

- I THINK MY DAD'S GAY.
- BASED ON WHAT?

JUST A FEELING.

HE WON'T COME OUT.
THINKS IT'S A GIANT SECRET

BUT EVERYONE KNOWS.
IT'S TOO BAD--

THERE'S SOME LOVELY
SINGLE GAY MEN IN THIS TOWN.

AND SASHA WOULD BE
SO MUCH HAPPIER IF HE
SMILED ONCE IN A WHILE.

IT'S PRETTY LATE.
DO YOU PARENTS KNOW
WHERE YOU ARE?

- NOPE!
- Fanny: AND IT WAS FUN!

PUTTING IT TOGETHER,
WORKING WITH THE KIDS.

JUST BECAUSE YOU TEACH
DOESN'T MEAN IT'S OVER.

Michelle: HEY!

DID SOMEONE
SEE THE VIRGIN MARY
IN THE ROSIN BOX AGAIN?

ONE TIME AND I NEVER
SAID I WAS SURE.

- THE DOOR'S LOCKED.
- RIGHT, THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO

WHEN THEY DON'T WANT YOU
TO COME IN AND TOUCH
THEIR STUFF.

CLASS IS AT 10:00 AND IT'S
ALWAYS OPEN A HALF HOUR EARLY
SO WE CAN WARM UP.

- IS FANNY IN THERE?
- WHY WOULD SHE BE IN THERE
IF IT'S LOCKED?

- WELL, MAYBE SHE DIDN'T
UNLOCK IT FOR A REASON.
- WHAT REASON?

MAYBE SHE'S TESTING TO SEE

HOW DEDICATED
YOU ARE TO BALLET.

- WHAT?
- HOW BAD YOU WANT IT.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- WELL, THE DOOR IS LOCKED

AND THE ONLY WAY TO GET
MORE BALLET IS TO FIND
ANOTHER WAY IN.

ARE YOU WILLING TO DIG A TUNNEL
UNDER THE STUDIO WITH NOTHING
BUT A PLASTIC SPOON,

AND THEN CUT A GIANT HOLE
IN THE FLOOR WITH THE CHAIN SAW
YOU DRAGGED ALONG,

AND THEN ONCE INSIDE,
REPAIR THE FLOOR WITH NOTHING
MORE THAN A GLUE GUN,

SOME BOBBY PINS
AND YOUR WITS?

WELL, I SEE
SHE HAS HER ANSWER.

- PLEASE DON'T WAIT
WITH US ANYMORE.
- OKAY FINE.

- FANNY!
- OH GEE, CALLING OUT!

- WE SHOULD HAVE
THOUGHT OF THAT.
- HEY, YOU'D BETTER WATCH IT.

WITH SNARK LIKE THAT
YOU'LL WIND UP WITH YOUR OWN
DIRTY-GIRL SITCOM ON N.B.C.

- I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO FIND YOU A TEACHER,
GRASSHOPPER.

- Woman: I LIKED IT.
- Woman #2: YOU DID?

- I DID.
- BUT WHY?

THE EMOTIONAL STRUGGLE
BETWEEN RIGHT OR WRONG?

A WOMAN WRESTLING
WITH HER OWN IDENTITY?

- 'CAUSE IT'S DIRTY.
- WHAT?

I LIKE MY BOOKS DIRTY.

- I NEED A BETTER
REASON THAN THAT.
- I DO NOT HAVE ONE.

IT'S A NATIONAL PHENOMENON.
THAT'S A REASON.

- NOT TO READ A BOOK.
- LOOK, I DON'T NEED A REASON.

WHEN JUDY BLUME PUT OUT
THAT BOOK "WIFEY," I WAS
FIRST IN LINE TO BUY IT.

WHY? IT'S DIRTY.
THE WOMAN WHO GAVE YOU

"ARE YOU THERE GOD?
IT'S ME, MARGARET"
WRITES A DIRTY BOOK,

I'M GOING TO READ IT.
TWICE-- ONCE TO MY KID.

- OH GOD. TRULY?
- HUH?

- WHAT ABOUT YOU?
- OH WELL, I HAVEN'T
FINISHED IT YET.

- WHY NOT?
- I'M HAVING THE TILE
IN MY BATHROOM RE-DONE

AND I DIDN'T WANT THE WORKMEN
TO SEE IT LAYING OUT,

SO I THOUGHT
I'D PUT IT IN THE GARAGE,
BUT IT'S NOT ATTACHED,

SO I WALKED OUTSIDE
AND MY NEIGHBOR WALKED BY
WITH HIS DOG AND I PANICKED

AND THREW IT IN THE TRASH.
WE TALKED FOR A WHILE AND
I WENT BACK INSIDE TO WAIT,

BUT HIS DOG IS OLD
AND TAKES A LONG TIME TO--

ANYHOW, I FELL ASLEEP
AND THE NEXT MORNING
WAS TRASH DAY SO--

- HEY.
- YOU THREW AWAY
OUR READING ASSIGNMENT?

- NOT ON PURPOSE.
- BOOK CLUBS HAVE RULES, TRULY.

- I KNOW. I'M SORRY.
- WHAT BOOK ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT?

- "FIFTY SHADES OF GREY."
- GREAT.

SORRY TO INTERRUPT THE END
OF LITERATURE AS WE KNOW IT,

- BUT HAS ANYONE SEEN FANNY?
- OH!

AM I SUPPOSED TO--

RIGHT.

THAT'S QUITE A GATHERING
YOU'VE GOT THERE.

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
- NOTHING.

SO ARE YOU THE OFFICIAL
LIFE-ALERT PUSHER?

- THOSE WOMEN ARE SMART
AND SKILLED.
- AND OLD.

- THEY ARE NOT OLD.
- COMPARED TO YOU
AND METHUSELAH.

I FIND THEIR CONVERSATION
STIMULATING.

Woman: TRULY, WHAT KIND OF STONE DID YOUR UNCLE PASS LAST WEEK?

- KIDNEY!
- NOT GALLSTONE?

NO, KIDNEY.
THERE'S A PICTURE
OF IT ON MY PHONE!

- WOW.
- SHUT UP.

GONNA REMINISCE ABOUT
THE DAYS WHEN A CUP OF COFFEE

- COST TWO BITS?
- IT'S A BOOK CLUB.

- YOU DIDN'T READ THE BOOK.
- SO?

SO YOU'RE HANGING
WITH THE NICKEL-SLOT
CROWD, TRULY.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
STAY HOME ALONE, BUY CATS
ON THE INTERNET?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO OUT
WITH PEOPLE YOUR OWN AGE,
DO FUN THINGS.

- MEET GUYS.
- YOU WANT ME TO BE
A SLUT LIKE YOU?

YES, I GET
A COUPON TO SIZZLER
FOR EVERY CONVERT.

THANK YOU FOR THE ADVICE,
BUT THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS.

I JUST THINK IT WOULD BE
GOOD FOR YOU TO HANG OUT
WITH PEOPLE

WHO REMEMBER SHAUN CASSIDY
AND NOT JACK CASSIDY.

- HERE.
- WHAT IS THIS?

- IT'S FROM FANNY.
- FANNY? WHERE IS SHE?

- JUST READ IT.
- TRULY, THERE'S
A CLASS FULL OF KIDS

- LOCKED OUTSIDE
THE DANCE STUDIO.
- KEYS ARE IN THE ENVELOPE.

- BUT-- UGH.
- READ THE NOTE.

AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,
THESE ARE THE PEOPLE THAT
LIKE ME AND ACCEPT ME.

THESE WOMEN FIND ME INTERESTING
AND INVITED ME INTO THEIR CLUB.

AND YES, MAYBE THAT MEANS I HAVE
TO READ A TERRIBLE TERRIBLE,
SIMPLY AWFUL, DREADFUL BOOK,

BUT AT THE END
OF THAT BOOK IS CAKE...
AND FRIENDSHIP,

- WHICH IS, I'M SURE, SOMETHING
YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND.
- I UNDERSTAND CAKE.

CELIA NEEDS HER MYLANTA.

[ theme music playing ]

- YOU'RE GONE?
- I'm not gone, I still exist.

- I'm just not there.
WITHOUT SAYING A WORD.

- I LEFT YOU A NOTE.
- YOU LEFT TRULY A NOTE.

I KNEW YOU'D COME
SOMETHING FROM ME EVENTUALLY.

- NOT FAIR.
- What did you mooch?

NOTHING.
OUTSIDE THE STUDIO TO COME IN.

- WHAT'S THE POINT, MICHELLE?
- THE POINT IS YOU HAVE CLASSES!

I KNOW.
THAT YOU'RE THERE,

SO I CAN GET AWAY FOR A WEEK
AND THEN YOU CAN TEACH THEM.

- WHAT?
I have a little help.or once

IT'S GLORIOUS THAT FINALLY
A WOMAN IN HER TWILIGHT YEARS

WHO HASN'T HAD A VACATION
SINCE EISENHOWER WAS IN OFFICE

CAN, JUST FOR A SMALL MOMENT
IN TIME, GET AWAY,

RELAX, RECHARGE.

AND ALL WHILE
A YOUNG VIBRANT WOMAN

WHO NORMALLY DOES NOTHING
BRANGELINA'S WEDDINGVER

- CAN TAKE OVER.
HOW MANY KIDS THEY HAVE?

TAKE A WALK! BUY A RING!
EAT SOME CAKE! IT'S TIME.

- I'LL CALL YOU LATER.
- BUT I CAN'T TEACH.

- I HAVE PLANS THIS WEEKEND.
- WHAT PLANS?

MY FRIEND TALIA IS
CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY.WE'RE

WE HAVE THIS WHOLE WEEKEND
IT'S GONNA BE BIG.

- MMM.
- What?

HAVEN'T WE PASSED THE AGE
WHERE WE ACKNOWLEDGE BIRTHDAYS?

NO, WE DIDN'T THINK SO.

IT SOUNDS A LITTLE SAD--
A WOMAN OF YOUR AGE?

HOW OLD DO YOU THINK I AM?

ALL RIGHT. I'M SORRY.
I GUESS IF YOU HAVE TO HAVE

A BIRTHDAY PARTY LIKE
AN EIGHT-YEAR-OLD,

AND WEAR A CINDERELLA COSTUME
AND A TIARA...

- ONE YEAR!
DO THAT ALL THAT AT NIGHT.LD

- BUT...
- Classes are during the day.

- BUT...
sit vigil at the studio.

I'M JUST SAYING THAT FOR ONCE
LET AN OLD WOMAN MEDITATE

ON THE FINAL MOMENTS SHE HAS
LEFT IN THIS EARTHLY REALM.

[ sighs ]
WHAT'S WITH THE POLE?

AH YES.
IT'S A BEAUTY, ISN'T IT?

I GOT TO THINKING
ABOUT ALL THE THINGS
YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT.

AND WHEN YOU WENT
ON AND ON ABOUT THAT
CARDIO-STRIPTEASE CLASS,

WELL, THE IDEA JUST STUCK.

WHEN DID I GO ON AND ON ABOUT
CARDIO-STRIPTEASE CLASSES?

- The other day.
- NO.

- Yes.
- NO.

- Night?
- NO.

OH, I'M SORRY.
THAT WAS FERGIE.

ANYHOW, THE IDEA STUCK
AND I JUST ORDERED THE POLE.

- WHEN WERE YOU
TALKING TO FERGIE?
- SHE MENTIONED IT ON "LENO."

ANYHOW, IT'S A VERY HOT TREND.

IT'S FUN AND SEXY
AND VERY POPULAR
WITH THE HOUSEWIVES.

- LIKE THE TV SHOW?
- NO, ACTUAL HOUSEWIVES.

- THOSE STILL EXIST?
- AND THEY LIKE TO SLIDE
ON POLES.

OKAY, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO
TEACH A CARDIO-STRIPTEASE CLASS.

THERE'S A DVD AND A BOOK.
THEY CAME WITH THE POLE.

- [ sarcastically ] OH GOODY.
- You'll learn the routine,

AND THEN LIVEN IT UP IN YOUR
OWN MICHELLE WAY, I'M SURE.

YOU MEAN WITH SARCASM
AND GENERAL HOSTILITY
TOWARD THE WORLD?

I THINK IT'S GOING
TO BE VERY POPULAR.

I PUT A SIGN-UP
SHEET AT THE OYSTER BAR
FOR ONE FREE CLASS,

AND BY THE TIME RICO BROUGHT
MY COFFEE THE SHEET WAS FULL.

- Yeah, but, Fanny--
- ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY.

DON'T TAKE PICTURES.

[ sighs ]
OKAY, WHATEVER HAPPENS NEXT,

BLAME FERGIE.
EVERYONE AT THE BARRE.

- Ginny: TOUCH IT.
- NO WAY.

BOO, YOU'RE EXPOSED
TO THIS STUFF ALL THE TIME.
YOU WORK HERE. TRY IT.

NUH-UH,
I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE.

IT'S FRIED.
HOW BAD COULD IT BE?

- SO?
- CAN YOU SPEAK?

- IS IT VEGETABLE?
- IT'S PROBABLY CLAMS.

MEL, JUST FORM WORDS.
GO ON-- WORDS.

'CAUSE THERE'S LOTS
OF CLAMS BACK THERE.

I THINK SHE'S TRYING
TO SAY SOMETHING.

I THINK SHE'S SIGNALING
FOR A MERCY KILLING.

IS HER FACE TURNING
A WEIRD COLOR?

OKAY, WHATEVER.

SO BE AT MY HOUSE
AT 7:00 TONIGHT.
THE MOVIE STARTS AT 10:00.

AND YOUR PARENTS WILL
DEFINITELY BE GONE?

MY MOM HAS
AN OUT-OF-TOWN CONFERENCE,
SHE'S DRAGGING MY DAD ALONG.

WE'RE LOOKING AT $60
FOOD ALLOWANCE AND COMPLETE
FREEDOM TILL SUNDAY NIGHT.

I LOVE THE MOVIE TRUCK--
HITTING DIFFERENT TOWNS
ON DIFFERENT NIGHTS.

IT'S SO BOHEMIAN.
AND CHARLIE'S GOING, RIGHT?

YEAH, MEL,
DID YOUR IDIOT BROTHER
GET US TICKETS YET?

- I DON'T THINK SHE CAN TALK.
- JUST NOD YOUR HEAD YES OR NO.

IT'S RATED "R."
ARE THEY CHECKING I.D.s?

IT'S A MOVIE INSIDE A TRUCK.
I THINK THEY'RE JUST
CHECKING PULSES.

- I THOUGHT YOU WANTED TO GO.
- Sasha: I DO, I'M JUST SAYING

I DON'T THINK WE NEED
AN ELABORATE PLAN OR DISGUISES.

- CHARLIE'S FEET!
- OKAY, WE'RE GOING
TO NEED A LITTLE MORE.

IT TASTES EXACTLY
LIKE CHARLIE'S FEET.

OKAY, APPALACHIA,
HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR
BROTHER'S FEET TASTE LIKE?

STOP.
THAT'S RHETORICAL.

I'M GOING HOME.

7:00 SHARP.
DON'T BE LATE.

IT'S NOT BAD.

I'M NOT SCARED OF YOU.

YOU SEE THIS?

THAT'S A NOMI MALONE.
INTIMIDATING, RIGHT?

MAKE IT RAIN!

- AHHH.
- I'M SORRY, YOU LEAVE VEGAS

- THEN WIND UP ON THE POLE?
- TALIA!

TALIA, TALIA--

OH GOD, TALIA!

- [ laughs ] HI!
- HI!

HI!

HI!
HOW'S BORIS?

YOUR CAR? I THOUGHT
YOU NAMED IT KYLE.

- NO, THAT WAS A BOYFRIEND.
- KYLE WASN'T A CAR?

HE HAD MILES ON HIM,
BUT HE WAS HUMAN.

WELL, BORIS IS FINE.
AND I COME BEARING
A SURPRISE GIFT.

- YOUR LAST CHECK FROM THE SHOW.
- COOL! WOW.

- WEIRD.
- WHY?

IT'S MY LAST CHECK,
IT'S JUST-- IT'S LIKE...
REALITY.

I'M FINALLY REALIZING
NO MORE SPANGLES
IN MY BUTT CRACK.

THAT PHRASE HAS NEVER BEEN
SAID SO WISTFULLY BEFORE,
LIKE EVER.

- WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH IT?
HOARD IT? FRAME IT?
- BLOW IT?

AND WE'LL BE
RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
FROM "THE SUZE ORMAN SHOW."

WE'RE SPENDING IT--
EVERY CENT.
BIRTHDAY ROAD TRIP

AND WE'LL COME BACK
WITH NOT EVEN A DIME LEFT.

AND SINCE YOU'RE STRIPPING NOW
YOU'RE JUST ONE BACHELOR PARTY
AWAY FROM BEING SET.

- ROAD TRIP, YEAH RIGHT.
- YEAH, RIGHT ON!

YOU KNOW THE CRAZY LADY
I LIVE WITH?

- YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW?
- YEAH WELL, THE LOON
FROM LOONTOWN

UP AND DISAPPEARED
THIS WEEKEND AND I HAVE
TO TEACH ALL HER CLASSES.

- SO THAT'S WHAT THE POLE'S FOR?
- YEAH, HERE AT PARADISE
DANCE ACADEMY

WE SPECIALIZE
IN GIRLS WITH DADDY ISSUES,
SO WE START 'EM YOUNG.

- SO WE'RE NOT ROAD-TRIPPING?
- MMM.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS,
ACCORDING TO LOONY,

WE ARE AT THE AGE
BIRTHDAYS ANYMORE.

- WE'RE DEAD?
- I GUESS.

SCREW THAT.
WE WILL ALWAYS DO BIRTHDAYS.

- WE'LL JUST BLOW IT OUT
HERE IN PARADISE.
- REALLY?

ABSOLUTELY.
WE CAN LOOK HOT ANYWHERE.

AND CONSIDER THE ADVANTAGES
OF LOOKING AS HOT AS WE CAN LOOK
IN THIS PLACE.

WE'LL KNOCK
THIS TOWN ON ITS ASS

AND THEN KICK IT IN THE FACE
IF IT EVEN TRIES TO FIGHT BACK.

- OH, I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH.
- AWWW.

- I WANT TO SHOW YOU MY PLACE.
I HAVE CUSTOM-MADE CURTAINS.
- GET OUT.

- AND FRESH FRUIT IN MY FRIDGE.
- WHO ARE YOU?

- HUH.
- PARADISE--

DON'T LET THE NAME
FOOL YOU-- SERIOUSLY,
'CAUSE IT'S NOT.

OKAY, SO IT'S QUIET.
QUIET IS NICE FOR A CHANGE.

- SURE.
- WHAT'S THAT?

- THAT IS THE SURF WAX STORE.
- WHAT DO THEY SELL?

- SURF WAX.
- AND?

- AND?
- SURF WAX.

- SURF WAX.
- AND?

SURF WAX.
I CAN KEEP THIS UP
AS LONG AS YOU CAN.

- WEIRD.
- WHAT'S WEIRDER IS THAT IT
USED TO BE A FLIP-FLOP STORE,

- WHERE THEY SOLD FLIP-FLOPS.
- AND?

- REALLY?
- HEY, THIS LOOKS INTERESTING.

- UH, TALIA?
- OH MY GOD!

THESE CLOTHES ARE
SO CUTE. C'MON.

LET'S START BLOWING
THAT PAYCHECK.

WHOA, THERE, TEX.
WE CAN'T GO IN THERE.

- WHY NOT?
- YOU KNOW HOW IN A FAIRY TALE

THERE'S LIKE A BRIDGE
THAT LEADS TO A CASTLE WHERE
THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS

THAT'S LOCKED IN A TOWER,
BUT THERE'S A CRAZY
LITTLE TROLL

THAT LIVES UNDER THE BRIDGE,
AND IN ORDER TO RESCUE
THE PRINCESS

- YOU HAVE TO DEAL
WITH THE TROLL?
- YEAH.

WELCOME TO SPARKLES.
WHERE THE MOTTO IS

"IF YOU'RE A PRINCESS,
YOU'RE SCREWED."

OH MY GOD, ARE THOSE
DUCKS ON A DRESS?

OH, THESE ARE CLASSIC.

MICHELLE, DO YOU SEE THESE?
WHO WOULD THINK TO MAKE
A DRESS LIKE THIS?

- CAN I HELP YOU?
- ONCE UPON A TIME--

I WAS JUST LOVING
THE DUCK DRESS.

OH, AND THIS.

AND THIS AND-- OH MY GOD.
MICHELLE, LOOK HOW CUTE!

I MAKE EVERYTHING MYSELF
AND I CAN ALTER ANYTHING
THAT DOESN'T FIT FOR FREE.

GOLD MINE.
THIS PLACE IS A GOLD MINE.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN
IN HERE FOR A WHILE.

- UH, I'VE BEEN BUSY-- WHAT?
- [ shrieks ]

THE PRICES!
HAVE YOU SEEN THE PRICES?
ARE THESE THE REAL PRICES?

- YES.
- EVERYTHING.
WE'RE BUYING EVERYTHING.

MICHELLE, START GRABBING STUFF.
WE HAVE A LOT OF TRYING ON
TO DO BEFORE TONIGHT.

TONIGHT?
WHAT'S HAPPENING TONIGHT?

- IT'S HER BIRTHDAY.
- OH.

I WILL HAVE
A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THANK YOU, TRULY.

- WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?
- OH, WE'RE JUST GOING
TO GO OUT.

- THAT SOUNDS FUN.
- IT'S NOT JUST FUN.

THE WAY WE CELEBRATE,
IT'S EPIC.

WE'RE VERY INTO BIRTHDAYS.
THIS PURSE? I'M GETTING TWO.

WHAT'S WITH
THE DECAPITATED
BEAR HEAD?

- I'M MAKING A COAT.
- YOU'RE KIDDING.

NO. LOOK.

THAT IS THE MOST DISTURBED THING
I THINK YOU'VE EVER DONE.

- DOES IT COME IN MY SIZE?
- YOU WANT TO TRY IT ON?

- YES.
- SO WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO GO
FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY TONIGHT?

OH BOY.
WE HAVEN'T FIGURED
THAT OUT YET.

- WE USUALLY JUST SEE
WHERE THE NIGHT TAKES US.
- [ gasps ]

REMEMBER THE TIME
WE GOT DRUNK AND SNUCK
ON STAGE WITH TOM JONES

AND DANCED FOR 10 MINUTES
BEFORE HE NOTICED WE WEREN'T
SUPPOSED TO BE THERE?

THREE QUARTERS OF "DELILAH"
AND HALF OF "WHAT'S NEW,
PUSSYCAT?"

AND THEN THAT LADY THREW
THAT ROOM KEY AND IT
HIT YOU IN THE HEAD

AND YOU HAD TO GO
TO THE HOSPITAL AND GET
THREE STITCHES.

BUT THE DOCTOR WAS
REALLY CUTE AND HE TOOK US
OUT TO DINNER AFTERWARDS.

- DR. LOBSTER.
- DR. LOBSTER.

- THAT HAD TO MAKE THE TOP-FIVE
BIRTHDAY LIST, RIGHT?
- NUMBER FOUR.

- REALLY, WHAT WAS FIVE?
- COMIC-CON-- PRINCESS LEIA
COSTUME CONTEST.

- ONE-TWO SWEEP.
- RIGHT. NUMBER THREE?

- SNEAKING
ONTO THE PLANE WITH...
- BON JOVI!

- RIGHT.
- SO SO RIGHT.

- TWO?
- TWO WAS WHEN I KISSED
GEORGE CLOONEY.

YOU KISSED GEORGE CLOONEY?

- YEAH.
- WHAT WAS IT LIKE?

- LIKE KISSING GEORGE CLOONEY.
- AND THAT WAS TWO?

- KISSING GEORGE CLOONEY
WAS TWO.
- YEP.

- WHAT WAS ONE?
- OH WELL, ONE...

- WE NEVER TALK ABOUT ONE.
- NO, IT WAS SO MONUMENTAL...

- THAT WE DON'T
WANT TO REPEAT IT.
- AND WE CAN'T REMEMBER IT.

FOR MY LAST BIRTHDAY
FANNY TOOK ME

TO COLONIAL WILLIAMSBURG.
I GOT A BONNET.

OH, THAT SOUNDS...

- VAGUELY AMISH.
- I BET TONIGHT'S GOING
TO BE REALLY FUN.

- MAKE SURE TO TELL ME
ALL ABOUT IT.
- WHEN?

- WHEN WE TALK.
- WHEN DO WE TALK?

- WE'RE TALKING NOW.
- BUT THAT'S 'CAUSE SHE DIDN'T
UNDERSTAND ABOUT THE TROLL.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES
WHEN YOU'RE GOING OUT,

THE TWO OF YOU,
IT'S NICE TO HAVE
ANOTHER PERSON ALONG

TO KEEP AN EYE
ON YOUR BAG IF YOU
GET UP TO DANCE

OR TO WATCH THE BATHROOM DOOR
IN CASE YOU NEED TO USE
THE MEN'S ROOM?

- UH-HUH?
- A THIRD PERSON
LIKE IN "CHARLIE'S ANGELS."

- THERE WERE THREE OF THEM.
- YEAH, BUT ONLY TWO STAYED ON
THE SHOW FOR THE ENTIRE RUN

- SO REALLY THERE WERE TWO.
- THERE WERE THREE
IN THE PICTURE.

- BUT TWO IN LOYALTY AND SPIRIT.
- BUT THREE IN REALITY
AND NUMBER.

- I WAS THINKING IF YOU
NEEDED A THIRD...
- WE DON'T.

- ...I COULD COME ALONG...
- TWO IS FINE.

...AND WATCH THE MEN'S
ROOM DOOR FOR YOU.

- YOU DON'T WANT
TO COME WITH US.
- WHY NOT?

- YEAH, WHY NOT?
- WOW,

ARE WE SO
NOT COMMUNICATING TODAY.

- YOU SAID I NEED TO GO OUT
WITH PEOPLE MY OWN AGE.
- YEAH, BUT NOT WITH ME.

- YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON
MY OWN AGE THAT I KNOW.
- BUT--

I'LL GIVE YOU 20% OFF
OF EVERYTHING.

- AND SOME FREE MOOD RINGS.
- I LOVE MOOD RINGS.

- COME ON, SHE'LL BE HANDY.
- HOW?

LIKE IF A BUTTON FALLS OFF
OR A ZIPPER BREAKS,
I CAN FIX IT.

YEAH, PLUS SHE'S CUTE.
LIKE A PURSE DOG.

- IT'LL BE LIKE HAVING
A SHIH TZU.
- OH PLEASE?!

[ whispers ]
PLEASE LET ME BE
YOUR SHIH TZU?

OKAY, BUT IF SHE'S COMING,
WE HAVE TO CHANGE
THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS,
BUT LET'S DO IT!

- I SHOULD NOT HAVE
WORN THESE SHOES.
- THEY'RE CUTE.

THEY'RE TIGHT AND THEY
MAKE ME WALK FUNNY.

- THEY MAKE YOU WALK SEXY.
- REALLY?

- IN A HANNA-BARBERA
KIND OF WAY.
- HUH?

YOU'LL BE DOING
A LOT OF SITTING.

- Woman: TELL ME
AGAIN THAT I'M CRAZY!
- Man: YOU'RE CRAZY!

- Woman: WHEN I HAVE NOTHING
BUT PROOF ON MY SIDE?!
- Man: WHAT PROOF?

- WHAT DO WE DO?
- I GUESS WE KNOCK?

- Man: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- Woman: I CAN'T BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE FOR MY ACTIONS.

- APPARENTLY I'M CRAZY! NO!
- Man: PUT THAT DOWN!

- [ ceramic shatters ]
- Man: THAT'S JONATHAN ADLER, YOU LUNATIC!

- YOU FIRST.
- I'M NOT GOING TO KNOCK.

- WE CAN'T JUST STAND HERE.
- SHOULD WE GO?

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- I'M TEXTING SASHA.

Woman:
YOU COME OVER HERE
AND YOU SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

OH, I HOPE HE DOESN'T
COME OVER HERE AND SAY THAT
TO HER FACE.

- [ door opens ]
- GET IN.

MOVE QUICKLY UP THE STAIRS,
DO NOT SAY A WORD.

- COME ON, BOO.
- Woman: AND WHO,
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD,

- NEEDS THIS MANY
THROW PILLOWS?!
- HI, MR. AND MRS. TORRES.

- BOO!
- I DIDN'T WANT TO BE RUDE.

- Boo: OW.
- Ginny: SORRY.

- OW.
- SORRY.

- SORRY.
- OW!

- OW!
- SORRY.

SHE'S GOING TO BE SORRY
FOR THE NEXT 40 PLUCKS.

JUST ISSUE A BLANKET APOLOGY
AND MOVE ON.

- [ yelling continues ]
- WHAT'S UP WITH YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE PLUCKING
YOUR EYEBROWS IF YOU CAN'T
TAKE THE PAIN.

BECAUSE CHARLIE IS
GOING TO BE THERE TONIGHT

AND GINNY'S GOING
TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE
DITA VON TEESE.

- WAIT, I AM?
- AREN'T YOU?

I THOUGHT I WAS MAKING
YOU LOOK LIKE KAT VON D.

- I THOUGHT CHARLIE
LIKED DITA VON TEESE.
- WHO DOES CHARLIE LIKE?

- NEO FROM THE MATRIX.
- OKAY, NEVER MIND.

THEY'RE ALMOST
THE SAME PERSON.
I'LL DO A COMBO.

- ALMOST DONE, NOW I JUST
NEED MY ACCENT COLOR.
- [ yelling continuing ]

WHAT TIME IS IT?
WE NEED TO LEAVE.

- MAYBE THEY'RE
NOT GOING TO GO OUT.
- OH, THEY'RE GOING OUT.

THIS IS A WORK THING.
MY MOTHER NEVER MISSES
A WORK THING.

SHE'D RATHER LET
HER ROOTS GROW OUT
THAN MISS A WORK THING.

- MAYBE GOLD.
- MELANIE, PAINTING
YOUR PINKY ANOTHER COLOR

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE AN ACCENT.
IT JUST LOOKS LIKE YOU
RAN OUT OF POLISH.

- I DIDN'T INVENT THE CONCEPT.
- EVEN WORSE-- YOU'RE COPYING
SOMEONE ELSE'S MORONIC IDEA.

WOW, PLEASANT PERSON,
PARTY OF ONE.

Woman: SASHA! COME DOWN HERE PLEASE!

GREAT.

I KNOW THEY FIGHT A LOT,
BUT THIS ONE SOUNDS BAD.

- I WONDER IF IT'S ABOUT
THE TIMOTHY SITUATION.
- MUST BE.

- WE DON'T KNOW
IF THAT'S TRUE OR NOT.
- WE KNOW.

- EVERYONE KNOWS.
- SASHA'S DAD AND TIMOTHY MARSH
ARE BOYFRIENDS.

- THEY'RE IN LOVE.
- FORBIDDEN LOVE.

- FORBIDDEN BY WHO?
- SASHA'S MOM.

- OH. YEAH WELL--
- AND NOW TIMOTHY'S MOVING AWAY.

- AND THEY'LL NEVER GET
TO REALLY BE TOG ETHER.
- SAD.

- SO SO SAD.
- SHH!

- IT'S QUIET.

- [ knocks ]
- [ girls yell ]

- EVERYBODY DECENT?
- JOSH!

- Boo: YOU SCARED US
HALF TO DEATH.
- I DID?

- WE THOUGHT YOU WERE SASHA.
- WHY ARE YOU SCARED OF SASHA?

BECAUSE SHE'S USING
HER PARENTS' CORPSES
AS A COUCH.

NO, SHE'S NOT. I JUST SAW HER. SHE'S HAVING A YOGURT.

- SHE LET ME IN.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I BROUGHT YOU GUYS
SOME OVERNIGHT KITS.
- JOSH.

NOTHING BIG,
JUST SOME MUFFINS,
COOKIE DOUGH,

PRE-LOADED PEZ DISPENSERS,
SOME APPLES FOR BOO...

- JOSH!
- TWO DECKS OF CARDS IF YOU
WANT TO PLAY SOME CANASTA,

CUCUMBER EYE MASKS--
POP THEM IN THE FREEZER
FOR A FEW MINUTES

FOR THE BEST RESULTS--
FUZZY SOCKS IN CASE
YOUR FEET GET COLD

- AND A DVD OF "GREASE."
- WOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON
IN THE WORLD

WHOSE BOYFRIEND
IS BASICALLY A GIRL.
I MEANT THAT IN A GOOD WAY.

- I SURE HOPE SO.
- YOU HAVE THE BEST
BOYFRIEND EVER.

- I DO, DON'T I?
- OH MY GOD, I LOVE
COOKIE DOUGH!

- IT'S MY CRACK.
- YOU WANT TO STAY?

NOPE, IT'S GIRLS' NIGHT OUT.
I AM GONNA EITHER GO HIT
A STRIP CLUB

OR DO SOME TRIG HOMEWORK.
I'M STILL DEBATING.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT
TO COME TO THE MOVIE WITH US?

BAG.
OUT.

- WHAT'S GOING ON DOWN THERE?
- [ crashes ]

- MY MOTHER'S REDECORATING.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN BESIDES
NEW FURNITURE?

- IT MEANS THE IDIOTS
ARE NOT GOING OUT.
- RATS!

- WELL, AT LEAST WE HAVE SNACKS.
- AND FUZZY SOCKS.

AND WE CAN
WATCH "GREASE"--
SING-ALONG.

WHAT ARE WE,
"REVENGE OF THE NERDS"?

- WE ARE GOING OUT.
- WHAT?

- HOW?
- LOOK, ONCE MY MOTHER IS
DONE WRECKING THE JOINT,

SHE'LL TAKE HER
HAPPY BYE-BYE PILLS
AND GO LIE DOWN.

AND THEN MY FATHER
WILL GO IN THE DEN,
PUT ON HIS HEADPHONES

AND WATCH OLD PERFORMANCES
OF HIS COLLEGE IMPROV GROUP

FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT.
THEY'LL NEVER KNOW WE'RE GONE.

- BUT--
- NO BUTS! NOW PAINT IT
IF YOU'RE GONNA PAINT IT,

PLUCK IT IF YOU'RE GONNA
PLUCK IT, BUT GET YOUR SHOES
AND BRING THE BAGS

'CAUSE WE ARE GOING OUT!

- COME ON, TRULY.
- NO.

- JUST LET US SEE THE DRESS.
- I CAN'T.

HONEY, YOU HAVE TO COME OUT
OF THE DRESSING ROOM IF YOU WANT
TO WATCH THE MEN'S ROOM FOR US.

- I FEEL LIKE A HOOKER.
- THEN WE'VE DONE OUR JOB.

TRULY!
HERE, BOY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A TREAT.
I TOLD YOU WE HAD TO CHANGE
THE WHOLE PACKAGE.

OKAY!
FINE, I'M COMING OUT.

- WOW. YOU LOOK TOTALLY
DOABLE IN THAT.
- I DO?

- YOU DO.
- YOU SURE?

THIS ISN'T SOME
CRUEL HAZING RITUAL YOU'VE
CONCOCTED TO HUMILIATE ME?

HOW DID WE NOT THINK
OF CONCOCTING A CRUEL
HAZING RITUAL TO HUMILIATE HER?

- WE ARE SO OFF OUR GAME.
- YOU LOOK GREAT.

I DO?
MICHELLE?

ANGELS,

THE MISSION TONIGHT
IS TO GO OUT THERE
AND ROCK THE CASBAH!

- WHOO!
- Both: WHOO!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
"ROCK THE CASBAH" MEANS.

STICK WITH THE "WHOO"
INSTINCT, TRULY.

- YOUR FIRST IMPULSE
WAS RIGHT ON THAT.
- OKAY.

- WHOO!
- All: WHOO!

[ chattering,
bells ringing ]

- BOO!
- SORRY.

DID I SCREW UP
MY EYEBROWS?

NO. I THINK YOU
LOOK LIKE KAT VON D.
OR DITA VON TEESE.

I THINK I LOOK LIKE ME
WITH UNEVEN EYEBROWS.

DON'T WORRY, BOO.
I'M SURE CHARLIE,
LIKE EVERY GUY IN AMERICA,

HAS VERY STRONG
EYEBROW-TWEEZING OPINIONS.

I BET HE MAKES ALL
HIS DECISIONS BASED
ON THE TWEEZE.

- SO ARE MINE OKAY?
- SURE.

GREAT, THE PRINCESS
AND ALL HER LITTLE PRINCESS
FRIENDS ARE HERE.

- WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
- WE'VE BEEN HERE FOR HOURS.

REALLY? FOR HOURS?
LIKE YOU'VE BEEN RIGHT HERE
FOR HOW MANY HOURS?

- ENOUGH HOURS.
- YOU WERE AT THE HOUSE
LIKE 10 SECONDS AGO.

AND THEN I CAME HERE
AND GOT YOUR TICKETS

AND THEN WAITED FOR YOU
WITH YOUR TICKETS LIKE I
TOLD YOU I WAS GOING TO DO.

- SO HAND 'EM OVER
AND STOP BITCHING.
- HERE, NOW GO AWAY.

FOR THE REST OF THE NIGHT
I DON'T KNOW YOU AND YOU
DON'T KNOW ME.

WE LOOK IDENTICAL,
MORON!

- BOO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- BEING INVISIBLE.

- IT'S WHAT I DO BEST.
- CAN WE JUST GO INSIDE?

YOU OFFICIALLY SUCK!
THE PLACE IS FULL,

WE ALMOST DIDN'T FIND SEATS
AND THE SEATS WE DO HAVE
AREN'T TOGETHER.

I'M NEVER DOING ANYTHING FOR YOU
OR YOUR FRIENDS EVER AGAIN!

I THOUGHT
YOU DIDN'T KNOW ME.

SOMEDAY, BOO,
SOMEDAY YOU WILL TELL ME
WHAT EXACTLY YOU LIKE

ABOUT MY BROTHER.
BECAUSE SERIOUSLY,
I DON'T GET IT.

I DON'T THINK
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GET IT.
THAT WOULD BE GROSS.

HE'S RIGHT.
NO SEATS TOGETHER.

AND I'LL PROBABLY END UP SITTING
NEXT TO SOME LOSER

WHO'S BEEN
LIFTING THINGS ALL DAY
AND DIDN'T BOTHER TO SHOWER.

OH MY GOD,
DEBBIE DOWNER, RELAX.

- WE'LL GET FOUR SEATS
TOGETHER.
- HOW?

CHILDREN.
GINNY, SEE THAT SEAT UP THERE
NEXT TO THE OLD GUY?

- YEAH?
- GO UP THERE
AND GET HIM TO MOVE.

- HOW?
- HE'S OLD. YOU CAN PROBABLY
JUST MAKE WATER SOUNDS

AND HE'LL HAVE TO RUN
FOR THE BATHROOM. MEL,
YOU GO UP FRONT AND BE TALL.

GOT IT, BE TALL.
AND THEN?

BE TALL IN FRONT OF PEOPLE
AND THEY WILL SWITCH WITH YOU

- AND YOU'LL END UP
WITH GINNY.
- BRILLIANT.

I'LL GO IN THE BACK AND WORK MY WAY FORWARD.

BOO, OVER THERE. WORK YOUR WAY IN. GOT IT?

FAN OUT AND WE'LL
MEET IN THE MIDDLE.

Boo:
SORRY SORRY.

I COULD REALLY
REALLY USE SOME POPCORN.

YEAH, POPCORN.
POPCORN IS AWESOME.
I'M ON IT.

HI THERE.

I KNOW, I'M TALL.
GENES, RIGHT?

THE INHERITED ONES,
NOT THE LOWRISE KIND.

WE COULD SWITCH.
I DON'T MIND.

HI. I WAS WONDERING
IF YOU WOULD...

- WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOUR EYEBROWS?
- ...SWITCH WITH ME?

NOPE.
[ spits ]

YEAH, I THINK
IT'S ABOUT VAMPIRES.

THEY BATTLE FLESH-EATING
ZOMBIES-- VERY SCARY.

ESPECIALLY FOR CHILDREN
AND, WELL, ANYONE
WITH A BAD TICKER.

- A BAD WHAT?
- TICKER-- ISN'T THAT
WHAT YOU CALL IT?

HEY, I COULD REALLY
USE A SODA.

NOT INTO OLDER WOMEN, HUH?

- WHY ARE YOU HOLDING
A FREAKIN' BABY?
- DON'T ASK.

- BUT HOW--
- MY LAST PLAN TO SWITCH SEATS
BACKFIRED, OKAY?

I SAID DON'T ASK.

- 60? 61?
- NO.

NO NO.

PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME
GUESS HOW OLD YOU ARE.

HEY, I REALLY COULD
USE SOME NACHOS.

- SO GO GET SOME.
- RATS.

I'M GONE FOR TWO SECONDS

AND YOU'RE HITTING
ON ANOTHER GIRL?

- I'M GOING HOME.
- WAIT!

- AT THE BUZZER. MEL!
- I WASN'T TALKING TO HER.

- LIAR!
- WHERE'S BOO?

- SHE HASN'T MOVED.
- SHE'S PUTTING DOWN ROOTS.

RAISING A FAMILY.

- WE GOTTA GET RID OF THIS GUY.
- HE'S NOT BUDGING FOR ANYTHING.

- WE'RE SO CLOSE.
- WAIT, LET ME TRY SOMETHING.

EXCUSE ME,
COULD WE HAVE YOUR SEAT

- SO WE CAN ALL SIT TOGETHER?
- WELL, SURE.

- I DID NOT THINK OF THAT.
- I'LL TEXT BOO.

CHARLIE! DUDE!

A SEAT!

OH, UM, I'LL TALK
TO YOU AFTER, RIGHT?

SURE.

- NO WAY.
- WOW.

- WHAT DO I DO?
- STAY THERE.

WAIT, IS SHE STILL
HOLDING A BABY?

SOMEHOW THAT DOESN'T
SURPRISE ME AT ALL.

- [ gasps ] OH MY GOD.
- HEY BOO.

UH, HEY HI.
WHAT'S UP?

- IS THAT A BABY?
- NO.

[ cooing ]

OKAY, PEOPLE,
WHO'S MISSING A BABY?

- WANT SOME?
- OKAY.

HOW IS EVERYTHING
IN THIS TOWN CLOSED
BY 6:00?

BRANSON IS OPEN LATER--
BRANSON. MY GOD,

EVEN THE OSMONDS' DINNER SHOW
DOESN'T START UNTIL 7:00.

I'VE GOTTA TAKE
THESE SHOES OFF.

NO NO NO.
PARTY RULE NUMBER ONE:

NEVER TAKE YOUR SHOES OFF
UNTIL THE END OF THE NIGHT.

YOUR FEET WILL SWELL
AND YOU'LL NEVER GET THEM
BACK ON AGAIN.

THEN YOU'RE THE LOSER
CARRYING HER SHOES AROUND.

- HERE'S THE MOVIE TRUCK.
- YAY, ACTIVITY.

- Michelle: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
- UNBELIEVABLE.

- PLUS TICKET DUDE'S A LADY.
- CAN'T EVEN SEDUCE OUR WAY IN.

- JUST OUR LUCK.
- WE COULD BRIBE HER.

- WITH WHAT MONEY?
- WITH THE MONEY

YOU WERE GONNA USE FOR MY
FABULOUS BIRTHDAY DINNER.
AND THERE'S MY CHECK.

- IT'S GONE.
- TALIA.

- WE SPENT IT AT SPARKLES.
- WHAT DID WE BUY?

MY OUTFIT, YOUR OUTFIT,
TRULY'S OUTFIT.

- TRULY OWNS THE STORE!
- IT WAS A GIFT.

IT'S NOT A GIFT UNLESS
YOU BUY IT FOR THE PERSON.

SO YOU'RE BUYING GIFTS
FOR TRULY FROM HER OWN STORE,

BUT YOU'RE NOT
BUYING ME DINNER?

SHE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE
AND YOU'RE MAKING HER FEEL BAD.

- AND LOOK HOW CUTE SHE LOOKS.
- OKAY FINE. SORRY, TRULY.

- ENJOY IT.
- THERE'S A BACK.

- WAIT, TRULY, WHAT?
- THERE'S A BACK DOOR
AND IT'S PROPPED OPEN.

- WE COULD JUST SNEAK IN.
- LOOK AT YOU,

ACTING ALL GROWN UP
AND FIGURING OUT HOW
TO SNEAK IN PLACES,

WEARING SHORT DRESSES
AND ACTING AGE-APPROPRIATE.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

- [ screams, chainsaw roaring ]
-I LOOK AWAY FOR ONE SECOND

- AND HE'S GOT A PILE OF SALAMI.
- NO, THE GUY WITH NO ARMS

HAD ARMS A MINUTE AGO.
THEY'RE ON THE SIDE THERE, SEE?

THE EFFECTS AREN'T SUPER GREAT,
SO IT KIND OF LOOKS
LIKE SALAMIS.

- IF I HAD A NICKEL
FOR EVERY ARM--
- [ laughs ]

- YOU'RE FUNNY.
- [ screaming,
maniacal laughter ]

[ chainsaw roaring ]

[ sighs ]

- WE'RE LEANING AGAINST A WALL.
- IT'S COOL.

- YEAH, IT'S SOMETHING.
- IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

- SINCE I'VE STOOD IN BACK
AND WATCHED A MOVIE.
- WAIT.

TRULY FRANCES
ABIGAIL DOMINICA III,

DID YOU SNEAK BOOZE
INTO THIS MOVIE TRUCK?

I STOLE IT FROM SAM'S DESK
AT SPARKLES.

I WORSHIP YOU.

- WOO!
- WOO!

- Crowd: SHHH!
- [ softly ] WOO.

- HEY, WHAT IS THIS CALLED?
- "MOUNTAIN OF ARMS."

"MOUNTAIN OF ARMS"?
AS IN SOMEONE BUILDS A...

- [ chainsaw roars ]
- ...MOUNTAIN OF ARMS.

- WE GOTTA GO.
- WHAT?

IT'S 11:40.
MY HOUSE ALARM
SETS AT MIDNIGHT

AND IT DOESN'T GO
BACK OFF UNTIL 6:00 A.M.

- WE NEED TO GET BOO.
- I'LL DO IT.

- WHAT?
- MICHELLE IS HERE.

[ crowd groans ]

OH MY GOD,
IT'S ANOTHER ARM.

IT'S LIKE ED WOOD!
IT'S LIKE SOMEONE LITERALLY
WENT TO A WAREHOUSE

- LOOKED AROUND, SAW 50,000 ARMS
AND THOUGHT, "DONE"!
- TANK TOP!

- DRINK.
- HEY, WE SHOULD
MAKE A MOVIE.

"SKYSCRAPER OF TEETH"!
"ZIGGURAT OF LEGS"!

- "THE TOWER OF TORSOS."
- YES! "TOWER OF TORSOS"!

HEY, TALIA WAS
IN A MOVIE CALLED THAT.

IT WAS CALLED
"BLOOD DUNGEON TWO."

SAME THING.
AND SHE TOOK HER TOP OFF.

- REALLY?
- WHICH IS WHY I WAS KILLED
IN THE FIRST SCENE.

- FIRST BOOBS EQUALS FIRST KILL.
- WHAT KILLED YOU?

I HAVE NO IDEA.
I DON'T THINK ANYONE
KNEW EXACTLY,

BUT IT WAS LARGE,
IT GLOWED

AND I SLEPT WITH IT
AFTER WE WRAPPED.

[ chuckles ]

- SHE'LL TELL MADAME FANNY.
- MAYBE SHE WON'T.

- WE COULD SNEAK PAST HER.
- SHE'S 18 FEET TALL,
SHE'S TOTALLY GOING TO SEE US.

- WELL, IS SHE A NARC?
- SHE DOESN'T LOOK NARC-Y TO ME.

SHE COULD BE A COVERT NARC,
LIKE SHE ACTS LIKE
SHE'S YOUR FRIEND,

YOU HANG OUT
AND DO NARC-ABLE
THINGS WITH THEM,

AND THEN YOU GO HOME
AND YOU'VE BEEN
TOTALLY NARCED.

- SO WHAT DO WE DO?
- WE WAIT FOR THE MOVIE
TO BE OVER AND THEY LEAVE,

- THEN WE RUN BACK TO MY HOUSE.
- [ chainsaw rumbles ]

- I THINK HIS CHAINSAW DIED.
- EXCELLENT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS REALLY POETIC
HOW THE KILLER CUT OFF

HIS OWN ARMS TO FINISH
THE MOUNTAIN,

- BUT THEN THERE WAS NO WAY
OF GETTING THEM TO THE TOP.
- [ laughs ]

OKAY, SOMEONE GET BOO
SO WE CAN GO.

- FOUND HER.
- EXCELLENT.

- WAIT!
- Michelle: BOO!

"MOUNTAIN OF ARMS"!
OH MY GOD, RIGHT?

"MOUNTAIN OF ARMS"!
OH MY GOD.

- [ whispering ] DID SHE SEE US?
- I DON'T THINK SHE
SAW ANYTHING.

- WE HAVE TO LEAVE.
- I HAVE TO THANK CHARLIE
FOR THE TICKETS.

- BOO.
- CHARLIE!

- HEY.
- SHE'S TRYING TO KILL ME.

11:55, HOW FAST
CAN WE ALL RUN?

THAT'S IT,
I'M GETTING HER.

- HEY.
- OH, HEY, BOO!

- HI, I JUST WANTED
TO THANK YOU FOR THE--
- OH, GIMME YOUR HAND.

MY PHONE DIED
AND MY HANDS ARE GREASY

- FROM THE POPCORN.
- OH.

- TEXT ME THAT
WHEN YOU GET HOME, OKAY?
- OKAY.

- COME ON!
- I CAN'T LOOK.
WHAT DOES IT SAY?

- "SHARI"
AND THEN SHARI'S NUMBER.
- WHO'S SHARI?

- THAT'S SHARI.
- Ginny: THAT'S TOTALLY WHAT
DITA VON TEESE LOOKS LIKE.

WE DEFINITELY DIDN'T GET
THAT RIGHT, BOO. SORRY.

YEAH, IT'S A REAL TRAGEDY.
LET'S MOVE!

Truly:
WAIT, WHERE ARE WE?

Talia:
MORE IMPORTANTLY,
WHERE DID WE PARK?

WE PARKED NEAR A TREE
THAT LOOKS LIKE A HOBBIT.

ALL THE TREES HERE
LOOK LIKE HOBBITS.

I LIKE THAT WORD "HOBBIT."
HOBBIT.

IT HAS A NICE
IN-MY-MOUTH-FEEL

WHEN I SAY IT-- H-HOBBIT.

OH, THERE'S MY CAR!

I'M THINKING
WE SHOULD WALK HOME.

- OR SLEEP HERE.
- YES, SLEEP IS GENIUS.

I COULD TAKE OFF MY SHOES
AND START SLEEPING.

NO! YOU SAID WE WOULD
STAY UP ALL NIGHT AND IT
HASN'T BEEN ALL NIGHT,

- SO YOU CAN'T TAKE
YOUR SHOES OFF.
- BUT I WANNA.

- ME TOO.
- CUPCAKE A.T.M.!

- TRULY?
- DID YOU SAY
"CUPCAKE A.T.M."?

I READ ABOUT IT.
IN LOS ANGELES THERE
IS A PINK A.T.M.

AND IT DISPENSES ALL KINDS
OF CUPCAKES 24 HOURS A DAY.

- [ squeaks ]
- WHO IS SHE?

I HAVE NO IDEA,
BUT I LIKE HER.

PROBLEM IS WE MADE
MR. TOM COLLINS GO BYE-BYE,
ALL EMPTY.

AND I MAY HAVE DRUNK
ALL THE BITTERS.

- I'M SOBER.
- UNPOSSIBLE.

YOU MATCHED US
DRINK FOR DRINK.

YES, AND THEN I SPIT IT
BACK IN THE BOTTLE.

- OH MY GOD!
- I'M NOT A DRINKER.

- BACK IN THE BOTTLE?!
- SERIOUSLY, THAT'S DISGUSTING.

BUT IT'S A GOOD THING
'CAUSE I CAN DRIVE,

SO WE CAN GO GET
A.T.M. CUPCAKES, RIGHT?

BACK IN THE BOTTLE?

[ groans ]

UHH YEAH HA.

OKAY.

- CUPCAKES!
- WHOO-HOO!

Boo:
IT'S 12:15-- NO, 12:16.

- Sasha: IT IS?
- YES, I'VE BEEN
YELLING THAT AT YOU

- FOR THE PAST THREE BLOCKS.
- I THOUGHT YOU WERE SAYING
"RUN FASTER."

"12:15" DOESN'T SOUND
ANYTHING LIKE RUN FASTER.

- IT'S BLINKING RED.
- DAMN IT!

- CAN WE TURN THE ALARM OFF?
- FROM THE INSIDE.

- LET'S DO THAT.
- YEAH, MEL, LET'S DO THAT.

EVERYONE THINK REAL HARD
AND USE ALL YOUR
PSYCHIC POWERS

TO TURN THE ALARM OFF.
ARE YOU DOING IT?

OKAY? IS IT WORKING?
NO? REALLY? SHOCKING.

- SORRY.
- I KNEW WE'D GET CAUGHT
IF WE SNUCK OUT.

JUST LEMME
FIGURE THIS OUT.

OVER HERE!

- THERE.
- YES?

- WE'LL GET UP THERE
AND CLIMB IN.
- OH OKAY,

- LEMME GET MY CATAPULT.
- IF THERE WAS A TREE
TO CLIMB MAYBE.

OR A MOUNTAIN OF ARMS.
WE CAN MAKE A MOUNTAIN
OF ARMS AND CLIMB UP THAT.

THE CAR, YOU IDIOTS.
WE'LL CLIMB UP THE CAR.

- THAT'S NEVER GOING TO WORK.
- BOO, BOO.

OKAY.

- C'MON,
- YEAH, TALK TO THE WINDOW,
THAT WILL HELP.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M TRYING TO SAVE US ALL
FROM LECTURES AND GROUNDINGS,

SO YOU CAN EITHER
HELP OR SHUT IT!

- DID YOU GROW
IN THE LAST 10 SECONDS?
- NO, I'M GONNA JUMP.

OH OKAY, THIS I'M GONNA
WANNA GET ON VIDEO.

- [ crashes ]
- OH MY GOD!

DON'T WAKE MY PARENTS UP!

- I HAD AN IDEA.
- YOU DID.

- NONE OF YOU HAD IDEAS.
- THIS IS TRUE.

- I COULD--
- [ laughter continues ]

ALL RIGHTY THEN.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT
JAMES BOND MOVIE WHERE THEY
SPRAY-PAINTED THAT GIRL GOLD

AND THEN SHE SUFFOCATED 'CAUSE
ALL HER PORES WERE CLOGGED?

- YES.
- THAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN
TO ME, BUT IN REVERSE.

FROSTING IS GOING
TO CLOG MY PORES

FROM THE INSIDE OUT.
I WILL STOP BREATHING

AND COLORED SPRINKLES
WILL SHOOT OUT MY NOSE.

- HOW MANY DID YOU EAT?
- OH MY GOD.

- THIS MANY.
- THIS MANY.

- OHHH.
- YOU COULD ALWAYS
OUT-EAT ME.

- YOU COULD ALWAYS OUT-DANCE ME.
- YEAH WELL, THAT WAS THEN.

ARMS.

- FROSTED ARMS.
- OH GOD, PLEASE TELL ME
SHE REMEMBERS HER DREAMS.

LOOK, SHE KEPT HER HEELS
ON THE WHOLE NIGHT.

- THE STUDENT
SURPASSES THE TEACHER.
- SO ON THE BIRTHDAY SCALE?

THIS ONE DEFINITELY
CRACKED THE TOP 10.

- REALLY? WOW.
- NOT THE TOP FIVE,

BUT I THINK IT
KNOCKED OUT THE TIME

THAT WE BROKE
INTO THAT TEMPLE

AND SKINNY-DIPPED
IN THE MITZVAH BATHS.

SO HOW DOES IT FEEL
GETTING OLDER?

FANTASTIC.

I LIKE GETTING OLDER.
SOME WOMEN SAY THEY DON'T,

BUT ME, I FEEL LIKE
EVERY TIME A PART OF ME SAGS

LOWER TO THE GROUND,
AN ANGEL GETS ITS WINGS.

- IT'S NICE YOU'RE STILL DRUNK.
- I THINK IT'S THE BITTERS.

- OH, LAST ONE.
- SPLIT IT.

- MMM, 60/40?
- FINE.

- A CUPCAKE A.T.M.
- A 24-HOUR CUPCAKE A.T.M.

WHAT A COUNTRY.

MMM.

- IT'S SWEET.
- MMM.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SWEET.
IT'S A CUPCAKE.

- NO. I MEAN THIS.
- WHAT?

THIS PLACE,
THIS TOWN, YOUR PAD.

- YOU HAVE A GAZEBO.
- FANNY HAS A GAZEBO.

YOUR ASS IS SITTING
IN IT RIGHT NOW.

- TRUE, VERY TRUE.
- I LOVE IT HERE.

- YOU DO?
- DON'T YOU?

YOU KNOW, THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO
BE A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING HERE.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE
A WHOLE DIFFERENT LIFE.

I WAS SUPPOSED
TO BE MARRIED-- A SADIE.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE
A HUSBAND

- AND WE WERE SUPPOSED TO--
- TO WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW--
BE REALLY HAPPY.

NOW I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THE PLAN IS.

YOU CAN'T BE REALLY HAPPY HERE
WITHOUT BEING A SADIE?

- SO NEXT YEAR...
- UH-HUH, MM-HMM.

- ...FOR MY BIRTHDAY--
- I PROMISE I WILL BE
MORE PREPARED.

- I'LL DO SOME PLANNING.
- OKAY.

I'LL CHECK OUT WHAT'S
GOING ON IN THE OTHER TOWNS.

- IS THERE MORE TO SOLVANG
THAN WINDMILLS?
- THERE'S NOT.

I'LL CHECK OUT CARMEL,
SCOPE OUT THE NIGHT LIFE
IN LOS OLIVOS,

SEE WHAT THE KIDS ARE
UP TO IN CARPINTERIA.

AND I'LL SEE IF
I CAN'T LIVEN THIS PLACE UP
A LITTLE BIT BEFORE THEN.

IF ANYBODY CAN...

THREE MORE MINUTES.

BOY, THOSE TWO CAN
SLEEP IN ANY POSITION,
CAN'T THEY?

BOO?

- OH JEEZ.
- HEY!

- PATHETIC.
- NO, DON'T!

FORGET HIM, BOO.
YOU'LL MEET SOMEONE ELSE
JUST AS DUMB,

DRIVING JUST AS CRAPPY
A CAR ANY DAY NOW.

- I WAS SUPPOSED
TO TEXT THAT TO HIM.
- AND THEN WHAT?

- AND THEN HE WOULD THANK ME.
- AND AFTER HE THANKS YOU

FOR TEXTING HIM SOME
OTHER GIRL'S NUMBER,
THEN WHAT?

I JUST LIKE HIM.

I KNOW.

YOU'RE PROBABLY
RIGHT THOUGH.

I KNOW.

LOOK ONE MORE TIME
AND THE HAND GOES TOO.

SO I GOT MY LETTER TODAY...

FROM THE JOFFREY.

- THE OFFICIAL INVITATION.
- OH.

YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNEW
THAT WAS COMING.

IT WASN'T 100%.

SO ARE YOU GOING TO GO?

I'M CERTAINLY NOT GOING
TO STICK AROUND HERE
ALL SUMMER.

- WHAT DID YOUR PARENTS SAY?
- I'LL TELL THEM WHEN
I GET BACK.

- SASHA.
- LOOK, THEY WON'T EVEN
NOTICE I'M GONE.

- TRUST ME.
- YOU CAN'T JUST UP AND LEAVE.

I'LL LEAVE A NOTE
ON THE THROW PILLOWS.

- BUT--
- IT'S TIME.

C'MON!
LET'S MOVE IT!

- DAD?
- HUH?

I STAYED OUT ALL NIGHT
AND WRECKED MOM'S CAR.

GOOD NIGHT.

[ footsteps ascending ]

[ folk music playing ]

♪ ISTANBUL WAS
CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ NOW IT'S ISTANBUL,
NOT CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ BEEN A LONG TIME GONE,
CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ NOW IT'S TURKISH DELIGHT
ON A MOONLIT NIGHT ♪

♪ EVERY GAL
IN CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ LIVES IN ISTANBUL,
NOT CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ SO IF YOU'VE A DATE
IN CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ SHE'LL BE WAITING
IN ISTANBUL ♪

♪ EVEN OLD NEW YORK
WAS ONCE NEW AMSTERDAM ♪

♪ WHY THEY CHANGED IT
I CAN'T SAY ♪

♪ PEOPLE JUST LIKED IT
BETTER THAT WAY ♪

♪ SO TAKE ME BACK
TO CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ NO, YOU CAN'T GO BACK
TO CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ BEEN A LONG TIME GONE,
CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ WHY DID CONSTANTINOPLE
GET THE WORKS? ♪

♪ THAT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS
BUT THE TURKS ♪

[ vocalizing ]

- ♪ ISTANBUL
- ♪ Istanbul

♪ SO TAKE ME BACK
TO CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ NO, YOU CAN'T GO BACK
TO CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ BEEN A LONG TIME GONE,
CONSTANTINOPLE ♪

♪ WHY DID CONSTANTINOPLE
GET THE WORKS? ♪

♪ THAT'S NOBODY'S BUSINESS
BUT THE TURKS ♪

♪ ISTANBUL!